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What a year it's been, North Jackson.

Lots of ups and downs, but we've all made it.

Those of you who screwed up, I'll see you in summer school.

To the rest of you, see you next year

and have a wonderful summer.

But, before you're dismissed, I want to give a shout out to a special kid.

Robin Shandrell. You did good this year.

He's been through a lot, but he's muscled through

and managed to make straight "A's" this last six weeks.

Real proud of you, bud. If you see him around today,

give Robin Shandrell a big round of applause. He's earned it.

You've made a big impact on me,

and I hope I've done the same for you.

This is your interim acting principal,

Neal Gamby, signing off.

Have a great summer, Tigers!

To the end.

Cheese!

Oh, wonderful! Wonderful! That's the one! That's it!

Belinda Brown. I brought something for you.

Okay, Jesus. Oh, Lord Jesus.

This is your pump.

- You've got to be fucking kidding me. - Uh...

I'm... I'm really loving your new digs, B.

You work in the private sector now, huh?

You're goddamn right,

but I don't need bitch-asses like you fucking up my campus.

- I'm calling security. - Please don't. Don't.

I don't mean any harm. I swear, I'm just here to apologize.

Bullshit. You shot Gamby down,

and now you've come for me too. Is that it?

I didn't shoot him, Belinda.

I know why he thinks it's me.

It makes sense. I have a record of fucking people over,

and I'm sorry.

But I've paid the price for it, Belinda.

Why are you telling me like I care?

I just need somebody to help clear my name.

I have no other option.

All I have is my word,

and you know that that doesn't mean shit.

Look at your sorry ass.

Get off my campus,

and be glad I didn't punch you in your motherfucking face.

Good morning, sweet baby.

And just like that...

they're gone!

Woo-hoo!

- Congratulations, everyone! - Woo-hoo-hoo!

- Happy summer! - Happy summer!

So, what's this mean, Gamby?

You gonna be the man next year? You gonna run this school?

Well, Superintendent Haas did get your recommendations,

and I told him I was more than willing to stand in,

but they haven't made their choice just yet.

Hey, look at him. Just think, we don't have to sit through

- one more Russell speech ever again. - Mm-hmm.

Whoo. Or those awful jokes he would tell

and then he would laugh at his own punchlines.

You know, I heard he was planning on

wearing a Korean robe to graduation.

- No. - Oh, did you hear that, Amanda?

- That's what you heard? - Yup.

Sounds made up to me.

Sounds to me like you're showing off for your big-dick boyfriend.

- Right, guys? - Come on, Jen, don't be like this.

Why don't you guys just go straight to your house

and just talk about, ooh, this so-called "robe."

Fine. We'll talk about Lee Russell and his made-up robe.

Yeah. Talk about Lee Russell all night.

Fucking laugh and whisper till the sun comes up.

- We'll just talk about... - Lee Russell.

Yeah, talk about... Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee.

Okay, guys! Can we please stop talking about fuckin' Lee Russell!

Please, enjoy the meal, everyone.

Happy summer to everyone.

God! You fuck!

Damn! Somebody eat all the fucking mac and cheese?

That shit goes first, man.

You sad as fuck that Mr. Russell is gone.

Y'all have feelings for each other.

It's got to go somewhere, right?

I'm getting more crab.

That crab ain't gonna help you feel better.

- Hey, Ms. Swift. - Hey.

Mr. Gamby, there's... there's a man here to see you.

He says he's with a tiger.

- A fucking tiger? - God damn it, Swift.

Every time you come around, something annoying happens.

My best bet's gonna be in here,

keeping the animal in an area

that can be isolated and controlled

in the unlikely event that the creature's set loose.

Now, I have no fucking idea how something

like that would ever fucking happen,

but I gotta dot my "I's."

Okay, well, we're not gonna need

a live tiger for graduation.

That was ordered by the old principal.

He was a man obsessed with showboating.

Yeah, I don't give a shit. Tiger comes, tiger goes.

I still get my 25 large.

25 fucking grand? That's how much he spent?

- You bet. - Tiger stays.

Yes.

♪ Free bottle, don't you waste it ♪

So, Gamby says you're a writer.

Oh god, no, I'm not a writer.

I mean, I gave it a go, but hm-mmm.

You should write Nicholas Sparks books.

- She rips right through them. - Hey, whose bright idea was it

to make the grad party coed

I just told Janelle she could invite all her friends.

- It's a really big deal for them. - ight. Well, who's that one little jackass

that keeps bouncing around by her?

- That's Colin. - He may be her boyfriend.

She's been liking a lot of his Twitters.

- I think he looks cute. - He is cute.

Yeah, real cute, trying to 69 my daughter's brains out.

- Neal! Jesus! - Jesus Christ.

I'm about to throw that little motherfucker outta here.

- Colin is gone. - Whoa! No, you're not.

- Yup, yup. - Nope, nope, nope. Relax, relax, relax.

Please, just let them have fun.

Settle down.

- Want a cookie? - No.

That's a goddamn miracle.

- What? - He listens to you.

- "He listens to you." - Ooh.

♪ Red eyes ♪

- Are you okay? - Hmm?

Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Yeah, feel good.

My daughter's graduating middle school.

I finally got the girl. I got the job of my dreams.

- Stoked. - Oh, yeah?

You don't look stoked.

Come on, what's wrong?

I just can't shake the idea that Lee betrayed me.

You know? I thought we were real friends.

I know. It's crazy,

but you can't let him bring you down anymore.

Try and move on, try and get him out of your head.

Besides, you have a graduation to orchestrate.

- That is pretty cool. - Very cool.

Not just anybody can orchestrate a graduation.

- Mm-mmm. - That's a job for a principal.

All right, think. Just think.

Think there, Russell. Think. You're the smartest person I know, Lee.

You're the smartest person I know.

You've always been smart.

Who framed you? Someone outsmarted you.

Who did it? Think, think, think, think, think.

Think, think. Just think.

Fucking think! Think! Think!

Calm down.

Think. Someone put the mask in your car.

The mask. The mask. It was in the trunk. It was in the trunk of your car.

They put the mask in the trunk of your...

- Open the window... - My ex-wife's car.

What the hell are you doing here?

You put it in the trunk.

Bitch!

Jen, what the hell are you doing here?

Just wanted to bring by some things that you left at my house.

I didn't leave anything at your house.

Really? Then what are these?

Those are not my panties. Those are little boys' underwear.

Fine. Who cares?

Are you okay?

When you left me last semester, it fucked up my head.

But then I got you back and then I felt at peace again,

but now, all this stuff, all this...

uck, you and Snodgrass,

and I'm fucked in my head again. And the only thing

that's gonna fix that is if me and you get married.

Okay, well, we're not gonna get married, Jen, okay?

And I'm very sorry for fucking you inside of your head.

I didn't mean to do that. Look, this year has been very tough.

I've done a lot of shit that I've regretted,

and hurting you is definitely one of 'em.

Can I just go in your house and use the bathroom for a minute?

Oh yeah, of course you can. I gotta get ready for graduation.

Thanks. I'm not gonna shit, though. I just wanna go in for a second.

Even if you do make a poop, just flush it, make sure it goes away.

Thanks, Neal.

That's sweet.

I'll just see how it goes in there.

- Russell. - No, sir.

- Get the fuck outta here. - I know. I know. I know...

- you said you never wanna see me again. - You're dead to me.

- Leave. - Just listen to me!

I know that you don't believe a word that comes out of my mouth,

but I didn't shoot you, Gamby.

- It was... - Russell.

her.

You crazy fucking bitch. You did it, didn't you?

- What the fuck is going on here? - Didn't you?

Admit it. Yes, you did it.

That little smile on your fucking face.

You put the mask in my car, didn't you?

You were jealous of mine and Gamby's relationship. Just say it.

Abbott is your shooter, Gamby.

This crazy bitch, she shot you that...

God damn it!

Fuck!

- Jen, what the fuck? - You hurt me, Gamby,

and when people hurt me, I get really, really sad.

- You killed Russell! - Yes, I know! I fucking hated him.

Duh! Okay? And now I'm gonna kill you and me.

- Oh, no, no! - I can't do another fall semester, Gamby.

- I just fucking can't. - Oh, fuck! Jen, no!

- You picked the wrong bitch. - No! God! Stop!

Okay, look, you want to do a murder-combo-death-suicide thing, fine.

That's okay. I've done some terrible stuff this year.

Maybe me being dead is what's supposed to happen,

but not here, not next to Russell.

- I mean, that's gross, right? - That is gross.

I have a special place, Jen. It's beautiful.

It's... it's the perfect place for two lovers to commit suicide together.

- It's beautiful? - Yeah, it's so awesome.

Okay, take me to it.

There'll be no... no hums.

Here we are. This is my special place.

It's incredible, right?

Yeah, it's beautiful.

What are you doing?

I'm getting down on bended knee for you.

- Shit! - You liar!

God damn it!

- Oh, Christ. - Ow! Fuck!

Gamby, you asshole! I'm gonna go to graduation,

- and I'm gonna fucking kill Snodgrass. - Don't you dare.

I'm doing it, so see ya.

Have fun dying in a fucking hole.

You fucking dumb bitch! You're crazy!

I know I'm crazy, 'cause I fucking love you!

Help! Help!

Help!

- Help! - Gamby?

- Russell! - Gamby!

- Russell! - Where are you?

I'm in the bottom of a fucking hole!

Well, I don't know where the fucking hole is!

Just follow my voice! Marco!

- Marco! - Oh, my God.

I'm so glad you're not dead.

Oh, my God, I'm so glad you're not dead.

Jen's gonna kill Amanda. We have to get to graduation.

- Say you're sorry. - For what?

For not believing in our friendship.

Jesus Christ.

I'm sorry I didn't believe in our friendship.

- It was mean. - Okay, it was mean.

Now will you get the fucking ladder and get me out of here?

And stop telling me what to do.

The ladder's in my tool shed!

It's in my tool shed above my computer printers!

Thank you.

One, two, three. Say, "Cheese."

Cheese.

That's crazy, seeing it up close.

At least she ain't dangerous.

What? She's a fucking tiger.

Dangerous? Huh?

Now, don't get it riled up now.

Don't you look at me. Don't you fucking look at me.

What the hell is wrong? Chill with that shit.

Oh, hey, bro. This tiger will eat your fucking face off.

That's why we keep her in a cage.

You do that shit one more time, I'm hauling ass

and leaving all y'all motherfuckers up in here.

Remember, we want clothes underneath those gowns.

All right? No butts, Dave.

- Smile. Big... - Big smiles. This is an exciting day.

- Hey. - What are you doing?

- Stupid. Break a leg, everybody! - No beach balls.

- Break a leg! Mm-hmm. - Hold this a sec.

Hey.

- Hey. Hey, whoa, Jen. - When did we stop being friends?

Was it when you fucked Bill Hayden when you knew I had feelings for him?

I didn't know that you liked him.

Or was it when you fucked Neal Gamby

when you knew that he and I were meant to be together?

- Please help me remember. - I don't really know what's going on.

I'll tell you what's happening. I'm about to make the news, bitch.

- No, let's not. - Snodgrass and Abbott,

rivals since the year began.

Oh, God!

- You bitch! - Get the fuck off of me!

I'm gonna ruin that pretty little face of yours.

- Shit. Shit. - It's okay. It's okay.

Fuck. There's Abbott's car, illegally parked.

Maybe we should make it so she can't use it to get away.

- Good idea. Hold on. - Oh, no.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God. Well, I just meant

maybe we should slash her tires or something, but this is good.

You little fucking mermaid.

Oh!

Ow!

A diagnosis like that could've been career-ending.

It could've sent my family into a tailspin.

That tiger does not look happy.

I don't know why y'all trying to put some shit in a cage.

Whose idea was this, anyway?

- What the fuck? - Oh, my God.

Holy smokes! God, are you okay?

- Neal! - Oh, my God. Fuck!

I thought you were gonna be murdered.

- Oh! - Oh, fuck. I'm so happy to see you.

- You too. Oh. - Blood.

Russell wasn't the shooter. It was Abbott.

She just tried to kill me.

- Yeah, she tried to kill us too. - I told you she was crazy.

Lady, what the fuck?

- Don't do that! - If I can't have a beautiful life,

at least I'll have a beautiful death.

No, no, no.

Fucking eat me!

Oh, shit. Here it go.

Stay perfectly still. If you run, this fucker will chase you.

Eat me!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Go!

How's this? Oh, do it. Come on!

You open this fucking door!

Come on!

Close it! Close the thing! Oh!

- What the fuck are we gonna do, Gamby? - We're clear!

Fuck this shit. I'm going home.

Neal! Let me out of here!

- Crazy bitch! - What do we do about

- all those people in graduation? - Oh, God.

Safety's always foremost in the mind of a principal.

Minimizing loss and injury should be the first goal.

We evacuate.

...for my young son, my wife,

but I refused to give in.

I worked too damn hard to let this disease cut my time short,

I knew I had to fight. I...

- I knew that... - Back up, back up. Back up, please.

Everyone please remain calm.

Faculty members, if you would all please rise,

and please get into the assigned positions for a Code Orange.

This is not a drill. There has been an incident.

Students, please. Stay calm. Sit down.

I didn't say... no! Don't tell people to stand.

That is not what we do in a Code Orange! What the fuck, Delores?

Who the hell do you think you are, messing up my son's graduation?

Oh, okay, you know what? This isn't really

a question-answer thing right now,

because this is a serious situation.

But if you must know, a woman that I had secret sexual relations with

pretty much the whole entire school year tried to murder me.

She shot me at the end of last semester,

then returned to finish me off here,

and also tried to kill my very dear friend, Lee Russell,

and my new girlfriend, Amanda Snodgrass.

- Hey. - Hey, baby.

And the woman also let out the tiger

that many of you were taking pictures with,

and he ate a person.

Uh, uh, relax, it's okay. The situation is under control,

and the tiger is contained, so we're good.

All we have to do now is evacuate safely and make sure nobody gets hurt.

We're gonna use these side doors,

because out those doors, the carnivorous creature roams.

Without further ado, as the acting

principal of North Jackson High School,

it is with great honor that I begin

the evacuation of this graduation.

Man, that tiger ate the shit out of that trainer.

Yeah, I got EMT and Animal Control on the way.

Crisis averted! Ah!

It seems like we got everybody out of the school.

You gonna put me in a cage, you blonde bitch?

Oh, will you shut the fuck up?

Oh, damn.

She hit that button.

- No, she didn't. - Yes, she did.

Here she comes!

She's gonna eat your fucking face off.

- What are we running for? - What?

- I can end this right here. - Yes, shoot his ass.

- You want some? - No.

- Yes. - Not like that.

- Put the gun down. - Oh. What the fuck are you doing?

Shh. I'm harmonizing.

With the tiger?

Learning that the truth can set a man free.

I'm mastering myself,

becoming one with the world around me.

I've already defied death once today.

I will do it again.

Just relax, brother.

I, too, have been where you are.

Stand down.

- Oh, shit! - Yes!

The fucking tiger's eating Russell!

Goddamn battle cat's loose in the school!

Run! Get the fuck outta here!

Russell!

Russell!

Oh, my God. Fuck.

Shithead got a piece of me.

Don't move, okay?

Uh, just... just save your energy.

I can't believe I got ate by a tiger.

Are you fucking kidding me?

- It's insane. - Oh, I can see it now.

"A principal gets eaten by a fucking tiger,

a mascot of the school."

I always wanted press, but god, this is so stupid.

Shh, shh, shh. Just save your energy. Don't talk, okay?

Well, if I die right now, Gamby,

I sure as hell don't wanna be staring at you just silently.

Okay, that's fair enough.

This is the favorite year of...

of my whole life.

- Mine too. - I know what we did was wrong,

but... I liked it.

It was fun.

- Yeah, it was fun. - Yeah.

It gave us a chance to get to know each other.

Let us become friends.

Never had a friend like you before, Russell.

I love you, Gamby.

You're my friend too, man.

You fucking what?

Come on, man. Just... just fucking say it.

Honestly we're here, just say it.

Say what? I told you that you're my friend too.

Oh, I just told you that I fucking love you.

Okay, I heard you. I just don't say that to my male friends.

I only say that to superhot babes and to my family.

Jesus. I'm about to die, motherfucker.

- You're not gonna die, Russell. - I am.

I'm gonna fucking bleed out on this stupid fucking school floor.

Okay, fine, fine.

Say it.

- I... - Hey.

Look at me.

Look at me.

Now... just... say it.

I love you, Russell.

One more time.

I love you.

I love you too, Gamby.

Oh. She's back.

- Oh, Jesus Christ. - I fucking hate tigers.

Buddy, just go, just get out of here. Honestly.

Just save yourself, okay?

No, Russell. I'm not gonna leave you in here by yourself.

Fuck this $25,000 tiger.

Fucking cock-sucking fucking tiger.

You're gonna eat my fucking friend?

Well, bitch...

Fuck you!

_

- Don't be nervous. - I'm not.

High school is very intimidating, okay?

But you'll get used to it. You'll learn to survive

and then you'll leave. That's how life works, sweetheart.

- I know. I'm excited. - Well, watch that as well.

You don't wanna go in here with super-high expectations

then you shit the bed and don't like it,

because it's not like a teen movie.

- It's real life. It's tough. - Wish you still worked here.

You'll be in good hands.

Shamrocks. What a lame mascot.

- I love you, sweetheart. - I love you too.

- Good luck. - Good luck with your first day, too.

Hmm.

Hey, how's it going?

Neal Gamby. I'm the new principal.

- Yoo-hoo. Am I in the wrong office? - Oh! No.

Sorry. No, this is your office. I'm Vice Principal Miggs.

I just was seeing what it was like to sit in this chair, you know?

Yeah, no reason to apologize.

Pleasure to meet you. Why don't you hop on out of there?

Oh. Yes, sir.

So, Vice Principal Miggs, huh?

- Yes. - Well, I'm Neal Gamby.

- Hello. - So,

what's the story with the old principal here?

He was a bit of a banana, so we're very happy to see you, sir.

Mmm.

Do you mind if I shoot you straight right out of the gate?

Please.

I'm the new sheriff in town, and you're my deputy,

and if we want this school to function properly,

well, we're gonna have to work together as a team.

Simpatico.

Now, I'm not really sure what your ambitions are,

but from the looks of it, I can imagine they

probably have something to do with this chair.

And that's cool. I understand that.

But for now, this is my chair.

This throne belongs to me, and if you choose to defy me,

I'll feed you to the fucking sharks.

Do I make myself clear?

- Loud and clear, boss. - Now, if you just give me a moment

to set some things up, we can begin.

Yes, sir.

The door... open or closed?

Open.

You look so good in this, girl. Enjoy.

I'm gonna go have a smoke.

- Oh. You so crazy. - What are you talking about?

Well, you take damn four bathroom breaks an hour.

Now you're gonna throw in smoking breaks too?

No, hell you're not, little girl.

Get your ass back behind this register.

- Excuse me? - Excuse me.

I am the regional manager of all Apricot Lane Boutiques.

Above you. Now, you wanna start something?

Create a little commotion right now?

I will make your ass straight disappear, just vaporize...

you and that 30% discount you get on all your clothes.

Say something, it's gone. All of it, gone.

Okay.

Now cover me. I'm gonna go have a smoke.

"The wizard marched out of his kingdom.

"Not the one he desired, but the one he earned.

"And the warrior, finding peace within himself

"finally found the treasure he was searching for.

"The kingdom was lost, but across galaxies

"and across dimensions,

"a friendship was forged between good and evil,

"the likes of which this land had never seen...

nor would see again."

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

- No, way. - I think they thought...

that the book was awesome.

- Oh, really? - Yeah.

- God, I hope so. - The cover's not too bad.

I'm stoked that my dad is coming to the next reading.

- Mmm, good. - Are you nervous about meeting him?

- No. - I think it'll be fun.

He's pretty laid back. Do you know that he likes to get high?

He's a really nice guy. He might come at you

pretty quick and hard...

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