Original subtitles

From the outside, you can see we're just your average family.

Sure, we're a little disorganized.

Is that the garbage truck?

What time is it?

Mike, did you take out the trash?

It's Axl's turn.

Trash day! Bring out your trash!

Come on, guys, move! Trash truck's a block away!

Okay, okay, I know it probably looks a little insane

to be so nuts about trash day, but see,

due to recent cutbacks, trash pickup

only happens once every two weeks.

If you miss it, you're screwed.

We're never gonna make it!

Brick, what are you doing under there?

I'm tired of sleeping with Axl.

His bed's always squeaking. I want my own room.

How long have you been sleeping under there?

- A month. - Alright, whatever.

Just get rid of your trash.

You know, I don't understand why nobody obeys the chore chart.

'Axl was supposed to take out the garbage.'

Sue was supposed to clean up last night.

I mean, why do we even bother making a chore chart

if nobody pays any attention to it?

- There's nothing on it! - 'Yeah.'

Because I haven't bought the dry-erase markers yet.

But it's all up here and you're supposed to remember what I told you.

I swear, I spend my whole life cleaning up other people's crap.

- Oww! - Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

- Are you alright? - Hey, guys.

The truck's passing the Donahues'.

- Mom hit me with a beer bottle. - What?

Brick, don't tell people that. It sounds horrible.

I was tossing it to Sue and Brick got in the way.

Let me see that. No, you're fine.

- He's alright? - Yeah. Barely even a scratch.

He's not bleeding or anything. I'm sorry, honey.

Darn. I wanted a Band-Aid.

Can I put a Band-Aid on anyway?

I wanna use the new Super Mario ones.

Super Mario.

Okay, that's fine, honey. Mike, come on!

We can do this! We can do this! Hurry up!

We did it! We made...

The day started off lousy and then it got weird.

So out of the goodness of my heart

I'm gonna reach into my own wallet

and instead of buying that second pontoon boat

I'm gonna spend the money on buying some TV ad time.

I decided to dust off my old commercial

from when we were up to our jockstraps in good times.

Help, help! I'm being assaulted by high prices.

Just keep cool, little lady. I'm Don Ehlert of Ehlert Motors

and they're not gonna get away with that on my lot.

I'm shooting down high prices.

And bad service.

Uh, uh, Mr. Ehlert...

...you can't run that commercial.

- It's racist. - What are you talking about?

I'm shooting high prices.

It's racist to shoot high prices?

When high prices is, is a black man, yes, sir.

I just think maybe if you made a new commercial

you might appeal to an entirely new group of people.

You know, young people.

Non-racists.

You two write me up a new commercial

and have it on my desk tomorrow morning.

'Frankie, you have a call on line one.'

'Your son Brick's school is on line one.'

Well, I'm working too. Besides, it's your turn.

I went down to the school when Axl pantsed the band kids.

I did Sue and the squirrel attack.

Brick and the chalk-chewing.

Brick and the lying down in class.

Brick and the beeping in class.

Brick and the howling in class. Brick and the...

Hi, I'm Brick Heck's dad.

What did he do this time? Forget his lunch?

We were in kind of a hurry this morning.

Thank you.

- You tell me.

I hear your wife got a little rough with your son this morning.

What? Are you joking?

You guys strippers or something?

No, I'm afraid not.

'We got a call from the hall monitor.'

He said that your, your son told him

that his mother hit him with a beer bottle.

Oh!

Hi, dad!

Guys, this is all a huge misunderstanding.

- It was an accident. - Relax, Mr. Heck.

Just stay calm. When parents are stressed

lapses in judgment can occur.

Tell me about it.

We should never have let Brick anywhere

near the first-aid kit.

It's tiny. It's not even a scratch.

Here, Brick, unwrap it and show 'em.

Sir, we can't allow you to talk directly to your son.

- What? Is this for real? - Oh, it was for real, alright.

It started with the bandage and then just snowballed from there.

It didn't help that there was a new hall monitor at school.

Hey, buddy. What happened to your arm?

- I'm not supposed to tell. - What do you mean?

My mom says I'm not supposed to tell.

Well, if something happened at home you have to tell a grown-up.

Okay. My mom hit me with a beer bottle.

She was mad and my dad was mad and I always get in the way.

You can see how this sounded.

Everyone could see how it sounded except Brick.

And once a teacher hears something like that

he's legally required to report it.

Now I realize this may be uncomfortable for you to talk about, Mr. Heck

but has your wife ever been physically abusive to you?

Are you kidding?

She's, like, 5 feet tall. I could kick her ass.

And do you ever kick her ass?

No. No, of course not.

- Oh, Mike. Got your message. - Hi, honey.

Look it. See how little she is?

- T-take your shoes off, hon. - Oh.

Sorry, mom, you told me not to tell, but I told.

- Don't be mad. - Mad? No! Why would I be mad?

I am never mad. Never, ever, ever.

This is all a huge misunderstanding.

The beer bottle hit him when I tossed it gently.

Just, oh, so gently.

And do you often drink in the morning?

No, I think that was my husband's beer bottle.

'Mr. Heck, you're the one who drinks in the morning?'

Uh, no. God, this is ridiculous.

Look, hey, you know what, we have a teenage son

that is a huge pain in the butt.

Don't you think if we wanted to abuse somebody

we would have abused him?

Officer McCoy, if I could, please, step in here?

I have known this family for years.

Years and years and years.

And although they don't help with fundraisers--

- We work. - 'Or Teacher Appreciation Day'

or the back-to-school picnic 'they are a good family.'

Well, since the principal feels so strongly about this

we'll release him back into your custody.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Okay. So we're all done here? Everything's cleared up?

Oh, no. You're in the system now.

'A social worker will be coming by your house'

'to make an official evaluation.'

You know all those times you wished someone would come and take your kids away?

Well, the reality isn't really as great as the fantasy.

So the social worker's coming tomorrow afternoon for the home visit.

So if I tell the social worker that you hit me too

does that mean that I can, like, trade up to a better foster family or...

Shut up, shut up, shut up! They're gonna split us up!

They're gonna take us away!

Relax. Nobody's taking anybody anywhere.

This is a formality, so they can sign their paperwork.

'We're gonna answer their questions.'

Brick's gonna tell them what really happened

and they're gonna see what a normal family we really are.

Can I have dinner here in my room tonight?

And at that moment, it dawned on us

that our future rested in Brick's hands.

God help us.

So, Brick, your dad and I thought it might be fun

to have a little practice run at some of the questions

the social worker might ask you.

- Sprinkles? - Okay.

- Okay. - There you go.

So for example, uh, what would you say

if she asked you if your mom ever hits you?

- Not deliberately. - Okay, that's a good answer.

But you know what's a good answer too?

No.

Just...no.

No is good. Keep it brief. Keep it simple.

Okay, I'll just tell her whatever you tell me I should say.

Well, you wouldn't want her to think that we're coaching you.

- But aren't you coaching me? - What, this? No.

This isn't coaching. No, we're just practicing.

Okay, so to recap

if she asks you if we were coaching you, you would say...

- Yes. - Gosh.

You know, I think you could say no

for that question too. What do you think?

I'm liking no as a go-to answer.

So you're telling me to lie? Okay.

No, no, no. Nobody is telling you to lie.

I think we're just bending the immediate truth

just a teeny, teeny bit

to get to the truth that is the true truth.

- You understand? - No.

- You don't? - I don't know.

But you said no was my go-to answer.

Can I go watch TV now?

Sure.

What do you think?

I hope he goes to a nice family.

Well, I wasn't the only one stuck in a scary situation I didn't deserve.

Alright, let's get this show on the road.

Where's Frances?

Umm, actually, she had some, uh, family issues.

And I know she's lied in the past and said she had some family issues

but this time she really does.

- Alright, let's kick this pig. - Okay.

Action!

And down here, we got...

Damn it.

And down here, we got...

What the hell is my hand doing?

Doesn't feel natural.

I don't know what to do with my damn hand.

And down here, we've got the...

That's not right, is it? Uh...

And down...

Oh, screw this!

What are you lookin' at?

Quiet!

Ehlert Motors, where your every need will be...

Where your every need will...

Ah!

This...

This is your fault. The words you wrote are clumsy.

They don't roll off the tongue.

- Umm... - Yeah, like this.

- What the hell is that? - Vehicle?

Yeah, that's fancy. I don't talk like that.

Aah! Are you gonna help me or are you gonna just stand there?

So the day of the social worker visit had arrived

and we all pulled together to make a good impression.

- How do I look? - Take that off.

Damn it, Axl, take it off!

- Don't hit me. - Not funny, Axl. Not funny.

- Hey, why are you crying? - I'm just so scared.

Honey, I'm gonna give you a piece of advice that my dad gave me once.

He said, "Son, stuff those feelings down.

Stuff 'em down and eventually, they'll go away."

And I have not cried since.

Okay, what do you think? Shades open or closed?

No, closed looks like we're hiding something.

Open. Open.

Oh, my God, the raccoons tore into the garbage that never got picked up.

Sue, get out there and clean that up.

Okay, where is the Bible?

'I wanna put it on the coffee table.'

You know, we don't have a real book anywhere.

Just "People" magazine.

Mike, quick, turn all the TVs to PBS.

- What channel is that? - I don't know.

She's here.

Oh! Oh! You see?

It's clean. That's why I never wash the windows.

Are you okay? Oh, my God.

Listen, you can't get a welt on your head. Not now.

Okay, don't swell up, Sue. Don't swell.

What are we gonna do?

It's very nice to meet you.

It's very nice to meet you too.

Her head gets cold.

It's so nice to have you here, really.

- It's very-- - Yes, it's very nice.

I'm sorry. Go ahead.

Wh... No, no. You... That was your--

No, I interrupted. It's my fault.

- Please, honey. You go. - Thank you, dear.

It's just nice to have you here.

It really is.

- Can I get you something to drink? - Oh, I'd love some herbal tea.

Oh, no. I don't have herbal tea.

I mean, I, I know it's good for you but I just don't like it. I'm so sorry.

I'm so, so sorry. I don't have herbal tea.

Oh, honestly, it's okay.

Look, don't worry, it's-it's better if everyone just stays relaxed, okay?

So I'm gonna need to speak

with each member of the family individually.

Great. That sounds great. We're not nervous.

So how many hours a day would you say that you spend together as a family?

Just about every chance we get.

We love spending time together. We're together all the time.

Two.

I-I don't know. What's-what's the right answer?

So what are foster families like?

Are there any with, like, in ground pools or...

'Would you say that you drink alcohol on a regular basis?'

Oh, no, not at all. Hardly ever.

Three times a week. More if the Colts are losing.

I just love my family so much.

Are there any foster families available

with cute teenage girls 'cause they wouldn't be considered my sisters, right?

'Does your wife ever get angry?'

Uh...

Uh...

Uh...

Uh...

'And what do you do as a family for fun?'

Oh, uh, biking, canoeing, visiting ancient Native American

historical sites and looking for arrowheads.

- Watch TV. - Watch TV.

Watch TV?

I don't know. Is that the right answer?

I just, I just love my family so much.

Okay. Brick is up next.

Yep, our future was in his hands.

Brick, would you like to show me to your room?

Okay.

Let me show you the room that I share with my brother.

It wasn't going well for me

and it wasn't going well for Bob either.

It's Don Ehlert of Ehlert Motors.

Need a vehicle? Got bad credit? We don't care.

Come on down. We've got the lowest prices south of Canada.

Follow the arrows! Follow the signs to Ehlert Motors.

Mr. Ehlert, you did it!

You made it through the whole thing!

I did? Ha! I did!

Well, let me see it. Play it back.

'It's Don Ehlert of Ehlert Motors...'

What the hell is this? I don't look like that.

You made me look old and bald and...old.

No, he's...

In my old commercial I was beautiful, Bob!

What'd you do to me?

Uh...

Sir, well, you...

'Jackass.'

It's been a long time.

Wonder how Brick's doing in there.

Do not start to cry again, Sue. I swear, I will...

Thank you, Brick. It was very nice to meet you too.

Oh, you done already?

We were just reading some Bible verses. How did it go?

I told her everything that you told me to, I mean, the truth.

Well, I wanna thank you all for your honesty and candor.

I think I have everything I need so I will be contacting you shortly.

Umm, excuse me.

I know you can't tell us anything official right now but, um...

- Oh. - I promise I won't tell.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Heck.

I'm not able to discuss anything at this time until I file my report.

I understand. Of course. Umm, so...

It was lovely to meet you.

Okay.

It's funny, but...

...you don't remember me, do you?

Uh, should I?

Well, we went out, like, two or three times.

It was years ago.

Anyway, I really liked you but you never called me back.

Oh, well, it's nice to see you again.

You dated our social worker?

I don't even remember her. Oh, wait.

She could have been the one that liked Duran Duran

and was always touching my face.

Man, she got old.

How could you not have called her back?

What's wrong with her? She's attractive. She's smart.

You should have called, Mike. You should've called.

I didn't call her because I met you and I liked you better.

Well, if this whole thing goes south, it's on your head.

Frankie, she doesn't seem like the vindictive type.

Clearly, you know nothing about women.

Any scorned woman would kill for this chance!

We are screwed.

I tried to be as mellow as Mike

but the truth is I was a basket case.

What if this chick was still mad at Mike

and was gonna take it out on us?

Damn it, I was gonna take some action.

'You've reached the government offices of Social Services.'

'To schedule a hearing, press one.'

'To become a foster family, press two.'

Hey, quick, everybody! The new commercial's on.

'Help, help, I'm being assaulted by high prices.'

I'm shooting down high prices!

That's it?

Huh. That must have been easy.

I tried for days to go through proper channels

but I couldn't wait any longer.

Mike might not have pursued her but I sure was gonna.

Hi, I'd like to see Carole Barry, please.

Is she expecting you?

Is anyone ever really expecting anyone?

And should we be?

I mean, isn't being surprised the most fun?

So that's a no.

No appointment, no seeing.

Now you can call our 1800 number--

Uh, no, you really can't because I tried and...

- Can I just use your bathroom? - Employees only.

Oh, I... Nervous bladder.

I have a doctor's note.

Go. Go.

Miss Barry?

'Yes?'

Hi, it's Frankie Heck.

'Hi... May I help you?'

Uh, well, I, I just wanted to explain

umm, why my husband, Mike, never called you back.

I mean, I'm sure you have been wondering about it

all these years 'cause clearly you are lovely

and he liked you, he really did.

It's just that the timing just wasn't right.

Because, you see, we met going up to the Indy 500

and, umm, well...

To tell you the truth, umm...

...I slept with him on the second date

which I never really do.

But you know, I was a nice girl then as were you.

I mean, obviously, 'cause you didn't put out.

And good for you.

So I just hope that all of this doesn't make you

think differently about my family because--

'Frankie.'

I got over your husband a long time ago.

Thank God.

Well, you should count your blessings because believe me

he really is no picnic to live with.

But he's a good dad! Oh, such a great dad.

Frankie, I'm not supposed to tell you any information

until the report is filed.

- But you're fine. - We are?

Do you have any idea the kind of crazy families I see in my job?

Trust me, meeting yours was the best part of my week.

- My month. - Really?

Really. As soon as I file my report with my supervisor

your case will be officially closed

and then you can go on with your life.

Oh, thank you.

Oh! I'm so sorry to have bothered you.

I promise you I will not bother you again.

Actually, that was a lie.

I couldn't go home without actually

seeing it in writing.

I don't think I ever knew what relief meant until that moment.

There was an upside to all that happened though.

I had written proof that I was a good parent

and believe me, it came in handy.

Whoa! I cannot believe that you won't let me go car skiing.

It's safe. There's a spotter car that follows right behind.

Oh, my God. You are the worst mom ever.

Really?

The state of Indiana seems to disagree.

Yep, it was good to have it in writing.