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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074 Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today 2 00:01:02,560 --> 00:01:03,607 Give me that! 3 00:01:18,120 --> 00:01:19,804 Move! 4 00:01:20,360 --> 00:01:23,762 Hey, sir! Sir! Come back! 5 00:01:56,400 --> 00:01:57,925 I've gotta get outta here. 6 00:01:58,000 --> 00:01:59,684 Boo, boo, boo, hey, hey, hey. 7 00:01:59,800 --> 00:02:01,643 Girl, you got that list of questions? 8 00:02:01,720 --> 00:02:02,846 Yes. 9 00:02:02,920 --> 00:02:05,810 I think I have everything that I need. 10 00:02:05,880 --> 00:02:07,609 Be happy you ain't got this chlamydia, all right? 11 00:02:07,840 --> 00:02:09,968 Ooh, girl, I tried to take a piss earlier, 12 00:02:10,040 --> 00:02:12,168 it was like there was an angry dragon inside my snatch, 13 00:02:12,360 --> 00:02:14,124 you know, like some Game of Thrones shit! 14 00:02:14,200 --> 00:02:16,362 That's terrible, Kateesha. 15 00:02:16,440 --> 00:02:19,125 I can't help it when a tall, athletic brother 16 00:02:19,240 --> 00:02:21,561 come pushing up on this thickness. 17 00:02:21,640 --> 00:02:23,449 Ooh, yeah... Oh, shit! 18 00:02:23,720 --> 00:02:28,089 Oh, God, girl, I thank God every motherfucking day 19 00:02:28,160 --> 00:02:30,766 that the SuperSonics moved to Oklahoma. Shit. 20 00:02:31,320 --> 00:02:36,929 Okay, I'm gonna go so I won't be late for your interview. 21 00:02:37,160 --> 00:02:38,571 What the fuck are you wearing, girl? 22 00:02:38,880 --> 00:02:43,329 There ain't no camouflage, no fishnets and no fluorescent colors. 23 00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:46,324 How they gonna see you in the dark, bitch? How they gonna see you? 24 00:02:46,720 --> 00:02:48,245 I gotta go. 25 00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:13,764 Wow, so big. 26 00:03:33,960 --> 00:03:35,450 Oh, I'm sorry. 27 00:03:35,520 --> 00:03:38,205 If you're looking for the homeless shelter, it's two doors down. 28 00:03:38,320 --> 00:03:40,243 Oh, no, I'm... I'm Hannah Steale. 29 00:03:40,320 --> 00:03:42,527 I'm here to see Mr. Black. 30 00:03:43,440 --> 00:03:46,762 The college bitch. May I take your coat? 31 00:03:46,840 --> 00:03:49,286 Yes, please. Thank you. 32 00:03:50,040 --> 00:03:51,565 Ew... 33 00:03:53,440 --> 00:03:54,680 Follow me. 34 00:03:57,600 --> 00:03:58,806 In case you're wondering, 35 00:03:58,880 --> 00:04:00,848 I'm the hot secretary who's fucking the boss, 36 00:04:00,920 --> 00:04:02,843 which means there's no room for the dopey intern 37 00:04:02,920 --> 00:04:05,287 with the damaged hair and the cankles. 38 00:04:07,960 --> 00:04:09,086 Come here. 39 00:04:09,160 --> 00:04:11,242 Ugh! 40 00:04:12,320 --> 00:04:13,651 That's the smell of his balls 41 00:04:13,720 --> 00:04:15,688 after lunch and two games of racquetball. 42 00:04:15,760 --> 00:04:17,683 Mmm... 43 00:04:18,560 --> 00:04:20,289 Have a nice day, Ms. Steale. 44 00:04:20,360 --> 00:04:21,850 Plain-ass bitch. 45 00:04:40,520 --> 00:04:43,046 Ow! My neck. Ow. Ooh. 46 00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:47,047 You... 47 00:04:51,400 --> 00:04:53,084 Oh, shit! 48 00:05:00,560 --> 00:05:02,528 I guess I should've tried pulling. 49 00:05:02,640 --> 00:05:03,687 Ms. Kavahellnah. 50 00:05:03,760 --> 00:05:04,841 Christian Black. 51 00:05:05,920 --> 00:05:07,046 Are you okay? 52 00:05:07,160 --> 00:05:09,288 I think so, yeah. 53 00:05:09,400 --> 00:05:11,528 Good, 'cause you got fucked up! 54 00:05:13,080 --> 00:05:15,606 I mean, you hit that statue like a hard-charging rhino, 55 00:05:15,680 --> 00:05:17,489 and I say rhino because you're a lot fatter than I thought, 56 00:05:17,560 --> 00:05:20,608 and you got this bump on your nose that resembles a small horn. 57 00:05:21,000 --> 00:05:22,490 - Maybe you wanna get that squeezed. - Okay. 58 00:05:22,560 --> 00:05:24,085 A little Proactiv on it. 59 00:05:24,360 --> 00:05:25,930 I'm not Ms. Kavahellnah. 60 00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:27,490 You ain't Ms. Kavahellnah? 61 00:05:27,560 --> 00:05:30,404 - Who the fuck are you? - My name is Hannah Steale. 62 00:05:30,480 --> 00:05:31,970 I'm studying literature 63 00:05:32,040 --> 00:05:33,929 with Kateesha at the university. 64 00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:35,401 Oh. 65 00:05:35,520 --> 00:05:38,205 Please, have a seat. 66 00:05:38,280 --> 00:05:39,770 - Thank you. - You're welcome. 67 00:05:55,840 --> 00:05:56,841 No. 68 00:05:59,160 --> 00:06:01,401 - No. - So, what do you want? 69 00:06:01,480 --> 00:06:03,608 Jesus Christ! Just spit it out! 70 00:06:04,280 --> 00:06:05,850 A pencil. 71 00:06:05,920 --> 00:06:08,969 A pencil... You should've just said that in the beginning! 72 00:06:09,040 --> 00:06:11,441 Gosh! Here, take 'em! 73 00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:13,962 - Jesus! - Thank you. 74 00:06:14,200 --> 00:06:16,089 You gotta get your shit together, Ms. Steale. 75 00:06:18,080 --> 00:06:19,525 Shit. 76 00:06:19,600 --> 00:06:22,251 These are Kateesha's questions, okay? 77 00:06:24,840 --> 00:06:27,320 "You have mad stacks of cash. 78 00:06:28,120 --> 00:06:30,600 "How'd you get it, and can I get some?" 79 00:06:30,760 --> 00:06:33,366 Oh... Ms. Steale. 80 00:06:33,480 --> 00:06:34,561 I got my money 81 00:06:34,640 --> 00:06:36,847 the way most black entrepreneurs got theirs. 82 00:06:37,360 --> 00:06:39,408 - Real estate? - Drug dealing. 83 00:06:39,680 --> 00:06:43,048 See, you have to know your business inside and out. 84 00:06:43,760 --> 00:06:46,206 I smoked crack. Not for long, 85 00:06:46,880 --> 00:06:49,008 but just long enough to know what a penis tastes like. 86 00:06:50,360 --> 00:06:52,488 Tastes like raw rump roast. 87 00:06:52,560 --> 00:06:54,210 - Mmm. - Ew! 88 00:06:54,280 --> 00:06:57,648 I got all ashy, like E.T. when he was sick in the river. 89 00:06:58,360 --> 00:07:01,170 I lost six essential teeth. 90 00:07:01,840 --> 00:07:05,128 Have you ever tried to eat steak with one molar? 91 00:07:05,200 --> 00:07:07,521 No. Why would I do that? 92 00:07:08,000 --> 00:07:10,128 Gnaw and suck. 93 00:07:10,240 --> 00:07:13,244 Gnaw and suck. It's hard. 94 00:07:13,720 --> 00:07:17,486 - Could be that you're lucky. - No. 95 00:07:17,880 --> 00:07:19,803 Keanu Reeves is lucky. 96 00:07:20,120 --> 00:07:22,566 Flo Rida is lucky. 97 00:07:22,720 --> 00:07:24,927 Iggy Azalea is lucky. 98 00:07:25,080 --> 00:07:26,923 Yeah, he's lucky. 99 00:07:27,040 --> 00:07:28,201 Next question. 100 00:07:29,040 --> 00:07:33,329 "Is you gay, or is you gay as a motherfucker?" 101 00:07:33,720 --> 00:07:37,645 Just because you touch a penis doesn't mean you're gay. 102 00:07:37,720 --> 00:07:40,246 Especially if it's for money or crack. 103 00:07:40,720 --> 00:07:44,406 You're only gay if you enjoy touching penis. 104 00:07:44,880 --> 00:07:47,201 You touch a penis with attitude, like... "I don't really like this." 105 00:07:47,320 --> 00:07:50,369 That ain't gay. It's just exploratory. 106 00:07:51,480 --> 00:07:53,323 You said you're an English major. 107 00:07:53,400 --> 00:07:55,721 Was it Chaucer, Shelley or Keats 108 00:07:55,800 --> 00:07:57,882 that first made you fall in love with literature? 109 00:07:58,240 --> 00:08:00,322 - It was Seuss. - Seuss! 110 00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:03,051 - Cat in the Hat, Thing 1 and Thing 2. - ...and Thing 2! 111 00:08:03,120 --> 00:08:05,202 I mean, who doesn't wanna be them? 112 00:08:05,280 --> 00:08:07,328 Well, you know, me and my brother were Thing 1 113 00:08:07,400 --> 00:08:08,925 and Thing 2 for Halloween this year. 114 00:08:09,000 --> 00:08:11,002 - Really? - Yeah. Check this out. 115 00:08:12,280 --> 00:08:14,169 Oh, my God, look at both of you! 116 00:08:14,240 --> 00:08:16,288 We called 'em Thang 1 and Thang 2. 117 00:08:18,480 --> 00:08:19,845 That's amazing. 118 00:08:19,920 --> 00:08:21,524 What if I wanted to hire you? 119 00:08:21,920 --> 00:08:25,891 I don't know. I see the way the women dress around here. 120 00:08:25,960 --> 00:08:28,691 I don't exactly fit in. 121 00:08:28,760 --> 00:08:30,762 You know, despite the Salvation Army sweater, 122 00:08:30,840 --> 00:08:32,330 the greasy weaves, 123 00:08:32,440 --> 00:08:34,408 and your big ol' Usher nose, 124 00:08:34,480 --> 00:08:36,926 there's something oddly attractive about you. 125 00:08:37,320 --> 00:08:39,163 Yeah, you're like the little ugly runt 126 00:08:39,240 --> 00:08:40,969 in a litter full of pretty puppies. 127 00:08:41,120 --> 00:08:43,282 You know, the little ugly one that nobody wants to touch. 128 00:08:43,360 --> 00:08:46,807 You're, all hairless and big-eyed and wild-looking. 129 00:08:47,040 --> 00:08:49,691 But you just wanna take you home and give you love, 130 00:08:49,760 --> 00:08:51,762 or stuff you in a sack with a bunch of rocks 131 00:08:51,840 --> 00:08:54,401 and just toss your little ugly ass at the bottom of the ocean. 132 00:08:54,480 --> 00:08:55,766 Just put you out your misery. 133 00:08:56,400 --> 00:08:58,448 Oh. Okay. 134 00:09:01,440 --> 00:09:02,726 Thank you, Mr. Black. 135 00:09:02,800 --> 00:09:05,007 Please, call me Christian. 136 00:09:06,480 --> 00:09:09,051 - Christian. - I hope I answered all your questions. 137 00:09:09,120 --> 00:09:11,202 You certainly did. 138 00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:15,483 - Hannah. - Christian. 139 00:09:15,560 --> 00:09:16,971 Ooh, shit! 140 00:09:17,040 --> 00:09:18,530 Oh, God! 141 00:09:19,120 --> 00:09:20,281 Oh! 142 00:09:20,480 --> 00:09:22,084 Jesus Christ! 143 00:09:22,160 --> 00:09:23,844 Oh, God, make it stop! 144 00:09:27,920 --> 00:09:30,571 White girls, get that elevator fixed. 145 00:09:32,480 --> 00:09:34,005 Ooh, Hannah! 146 00:09:34,320 --> 00:09:36,561 So, how was he? 147 00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:40,123 He was all right, I guess. 148 00:09:40,200 --> 00:09:43,886 Oh, shit! You fucked him, girl! I knew that shit! 149 00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:46,685 Yeah, girl, get that dick, girl, get that dick. 150 00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:49,889 What? Uh! Get that dick! Yeah, yeah, yeah! 151 00:09:50,000 --> 00:09:52,685 Take it to town, motherfucker. Get that dick. 152 00:09:52,760 --> 00:09:54,808 Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! 153 00:09:54,880 --> 00:09:56,962 Shit, girl, yeah! Ooh! 154 00:09:57,040 --> 00:09:58,610 So, did he have a big dick? 155 00:09:58,680 --> 00:10:01,445 - What? - Ooh, girl, was it like real skinny, girl, 156 00:10:01,520 --> 00:10:03,443 or was it like real long, like skinny long? 157 00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:04,726 'Cause that's fucking weird. 158 00:10:04,840 --> 00:10:06,683 But, like, short and thick, girl? 159 00:10:06,760 --> 00:10:08,285 I can get down with that short, fat dick. 160 00:10:08,360 --> 00:10:11,011 No, there is... There's no... There's no dick. 161 00:10:11,080 --> 00:10:12,764 Remember what I told you, okay? 162 00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:16,123 If it's got like little red zit-like things on the head of that shit, 163 00:10:16,200 --> 00:10:17,964 you put that in your butt, okay? 164 00:10:18,040 --> 00:10:21,522 He gonna be like, "Oh, girl, no, it's just skin tags." 165 00:10:21,640 --> 00:10:23,881 "Bitch, you got 47 skin tags on your dick? 166 00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:25,041 "I ain't falling for that shit. 167 00:10:25,120 --> 00:10:27,043 "Again!" Okay? 168 00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:31,722 Mmm, but you gotta admit, girl, he is bangin'! Mmm! 169 00:10:32,040 --> 00:10:34,930 Yeah, I guess if you're into the wildly-successful, 170 00:10:35,040 --> 00:10:37,407 super-handsome, possibly-dangerous thing, 171 00:10:37,480 --> 00:10:39,369 then Christian Black is your guy. 172 00:10:39,440 --> 00:10:42,410 Bitch, I'm talkin' 'bout Lil Weezy! 173 00:10:42,480 --> 00:10:45,051 Ooh, girl, he got tats on his tats. 174 00:10:45,120 --> 00:10:47,282 And he ain't afraid to get a bitch pregnant. 175 00:10:47,360 --> 00:10:49,089 Let you keep the baby and everythin'. 176 00:10:49,320 --> 00:10:50,321 Mmm. 177 00:10:50,960 --> 00:10:52,246 You gonna eat that? 178 00:10:54,200 --> 00:10:58,922 Ooh, I wish I could find a man the size of this to satisfy me. 179 00:10:59,040 --> 00:11:01,611 This shit better be gluten-free. 180 00:11:35,040 --> 00:11:37,611 Hmm, Mr. Black. 181 00:11:37,800 --> 00:11:39,290 Oh, God. 182 00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:42,929 Mmm... God, Christian. 183 00:11:43,000 --> 00:11:44,001 Mmm... 184 00:11:52,480 --> 00:11:54,130 Oh, my God, you know what I wanna do. 185 00:12:18,040 --> 00:12:19,644 - Hi. - What the fuck? 186 00:12:20,000 --> 00:12:21,650 What a pleasant surprise, Ms. Steale. 187 00:12:22,280 --> 00:12:24,009 Please, call me Hannah. 188 00:12:24,080 --> 00:12:25,127 Okay, Ms. Steale. 189 00:12:26,200 --> 00:12:28,680 I was just in the area and wanted to pick up a few items. 190 00:12:29,200 --> 00:12:31,521 Are you stalking me, Mr. Black? 191 00:12:33,040 --> 00:12:34,087 Yes. 192 00:12:35,520 --> 00:12:37,602 I mean, unless you don't want me to. 193 00:12:37,680 --> 00:12:40,650 You do want me to, don't you? 194 00:12:42,440 --> 00:12:43,885 Just something to think about. 195 00:12:44,840 --> 00:12:47,286 Can I help you with something? 196 00:12:47,360 --> 00:12:48,441 Yes. 197 00:12:48,520 --> 00:12:50,761 I would like to pick up some cable ties and some tape. 198 00:12:51,080 --> 00:12:53,128 Well, you're in luck, we got some cable ties right here. 199 00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:55,288 - What color do you want? - Red. 200 00:12:56,600 --> 00:12:58,523 The color of passion. 201 00:12:59,200 --> 00:13:00,964 The tape is this way. Follow me. 202 00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:07,644 If I didn't know better, 203 00:13:07,720 --> 00:13:09,722 I might mistake you for a serial killer. 204 00:13:11,120 --> 00:13:12,645 Don't be ridiculous. If I was a serial killer, 205 00:13:12,720 --> 00:13:14,722 I'd need rope, ax, lye, ammonia, 206 00:13:14,800 --> 00:13:16,723 chlorophyll, wood chipper, plastic sheets 207 00:13:16,800 --> 00:13:18,723 and three large boxes of space Pampers. 208 00:13:19,280 --> 00:13:20,406 And a shovel. 209 00:13:21,560 --> 00:13:23,722 Second thought... 210 00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:25,928 I think I need to pick up a few more items. 211 00:13:26,720 --> 00:13:29,166 Well, looks like you're all set now. 212 00:13:29,240 --> 00:13:30,765 Thank you, Ms. Steale. 213 00:13:32,480 --> 00:13:36,326 Hey, if your roommate needs a photo to go with the story, 214 00:13:36,400 --> 00:13:38,767 I'll be around tomorrow. And the next day. 215 00:13:38,920 --> 00:13:39,921 And the day after that. 216 00:13:40,000 --> 00:13:41,968 I'm actually around all of next week. 217 00:13:42,080 --> 00:13:44,208 Here. Just contact me. 218 00:13:45,880 --> 00:13:47,325 "Christian Black. 219 00:13:48,080 --> 00:13:52,085 "I'm not a bidness man, I'm a bidness... man." 220 00:13:53,320 --> 00:13:55,641 Thank you so much for your help, Ms. Steale. 221 00:13:55,760 --> 00:13:57,888 Let me know when those space Pampers come in, okay? 222 00:13:57,960 --> 00:13:59,485 Save me three boxes! 223 00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:00,931 Got a long drive ahead of me. 224 00:14:01,000 --> 00:14:02,411 Bye! 225 00:14:02,480 --> 00:14:04,130 I'm gonna call you. 226 00:14:10,360 --> 00:14:12,124 - Jesse! - Hey. 227 00:14:12,280 --> 00:14:14,328 Thank you so much for doing this last minute. 228 00:14:14,440 --> 00:14:17,125 Hannah, listen, you are my best friend, okay? 229 00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:18,611 You know I'd do anything for you, right? 230 00:14:18,680 --> 00:14:19,966 Oh! 231 00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:22,767 - Yeah. I'd really love a handjob, though. - What? 232 00:14:22,880 --> 00:14:25,531 I said I really love this job. It's amazing. 233 00:14:25,600 --> 00:14:27,204 Oh, my God. Get in here. 234 00:14:27,280 --> 00:14:28,930 Later I wanna hit it. 235 00:14:29,120 --> 00:14:30,770 Uh... Um... 236 00:14:30,840 --> 00:14:32,490 I didn't catch the last thing. 237 00:14:32,600 --> 00:14:34,648 I said later I wanna hit the bar. 238 00:14:34,720 --> 00:14:36,006 - Oh. - Come on, Hannah, 239 00:14:36,080 --> 00:14:37,730 it's what platonic friends do. 240 00:14:37,800 --> 00:14:39,165 You know? You grab a beer, right? 241 00:14:39,240 --> 00:14:40,287 Then you make out and have sex 242 00:14:40,400 --> 00:14:43,051 until we question the status of our friendship or whatever, you know? 243 00:14:43,240 --> 00:14:45,811 - I guess. Come on. - Yeah. Come here. 244 00:14:45,920 --> 00:14:47,490 - Whoa! - Whoa! 245 00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:49,961 Hannah! Did you just kiss me on my lips? 246 00:14:50,040 --> 00:14:52,691 - Wait, I thought that... - No. Listen. Okay, let's get one thing clear. 247 00:14:52,800 --> 00:14:55,724 - We are just friends. Don't make it weird. - Oh, no, I thought... 248 00:14:55,840 --> 00:14:58,081 - It's okay, I'll fuck you later. - Wait. What? 249 00:14:58,200 --> 00:15:00,282 I said I'll see you later. 250 00:15:00,560 --> 00:15:02,005 - Jeez, Hannah. - Oh. 251 00:15:02,520 --> 00:15:04,170 Just go. 252 00:15:06,800 --> 00:15:08,325 Pow! Pow! 253 00:15:09,880 --> 00:15:12,087 Girl, he's staring at you like some real 254 00:15:12,160 --> 00:15:14,083 Fear-type shit right now, girl. 255 00:15:14,160 --> 00:15:15,605 He look like Marky Mark 256 00:15:15,680 --> 00:15:17,967 after he left the Funky Bunch and started acting, girl. 257 00:15:18,040 --> 00:15:19,405 All right, give me a smile. 258 00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:21,001 Cheese. 259 00:15:21,080 --> 00:15:23,321 All right, don't ever fucking smile again, okay? 260 00:15:23,680 --> 00:15:26,160 He asked me to go to coffee with him after the shoot. 261 00:15:26,240 --> 00:15:27,730 Oh, girl, that's cute! 262 00:15:27,880 --> 00:15:29,450 Last time I went to coffee, 263 00:15:29,520 --> 00:15:31,682 I got eaten out outside of McDonald's. 264 00:15:31,920 --> 00:15:34,651 That McCafé menu got a girl gushin'. 265 00:15:34,720 --> 00:15:36,006 All right, let's break the Internet. 266 00:15:45,960 --> 00:15:47,041 Eat. 267 00:15:47,400 --> 00:15:49,846 I'm not your dog, you can't tell me what to do. 268 00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:52,806 You're right. If you were my dog, I would do this. 269 00:15:54,120 --> 00:15:56,521 Bad girl! Bad, bad, bad girl! 270 00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:01,566 So, tell me about your family. 271 00:16:01,680 --> 00:16:02,886 Well... 272 00:16:03,720 --> 00:16:07,088 My dad left me when I was two years old, 273 00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:09,885 so I was mostly raised by my stepdad, Ron. 274 00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:12,923 That's painfully uninteresting. 275 00:16:13,280 --> 00:16:14,441 How about your mother? 276 00:16:14,560 --> 00:16:16,688 - She's been married eight times. - Yeah. 277 00:16:16,760 --> 00:16:18,649 She's an incurable romantic. 278 00:16:18,720 --> 00:16:20,324 Are you a romantic? 279 00:16:20,400 --> 00:16:21,686 I guess. 280 00:16:23,200 --> 00:16:24,406 I mean, I like long walks on the beach. 281 00:16:24,480 --> 00:16:26,050 I like baby talk, I like to cuddle. 282 00:16:26,120 --> 00:16:27,849 Ooh, and I love Nicholas Sparks movies. 283 00:16:27,920 --> 00:16:29,331 Even the one with Miley Cyrus? 284 00:16:29,400 --> 00:16:31,562 - That's my favorite one! - Bitch, I'm out! 285 00:16:36,480 --> 00:16:38,050 - Cheers. - Yeah. 286 00:16:40,720 --> 00:16:43,405 Ooh, that tastes like a white boy on spring break. 287 00:16:43,520 --> 00:16:45,921 I hate him. I'm gonna call him. 288 00:16:46,040 --> 00:16:47,769 You want another drink? 289 00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:50,081 Yes. Drink to forget. 290 00:16:50,160 --> 00:16:51,685 Yeah. 291 00:16:52,880 --> 00:16:54,325 Oh, yeah. 292 00:16:56,480 --> 00:16:57,891 That tastes horrible. 293 00:16:57,960 --> 00:17:00,008 The Molly must not be crushed up all the way. 294 00:17:00,120 --> 00:17:02,043 Let me fix it for you. 295 00:17:02,760 --> 00:17:04,125 I gotta go to the bathroom. 296 00:17:04,200 --> 00:17:05,440 You gotta what? 297 00:17:05,520 --> 00:17:07,966 I gotta go to the ladies' room. 298 00:17:08,040 --> 00:17:10,884 - Huh? - I have to take a shit! 299 00:17:16,760 --> 00:17:19,923 Hannah... Hannah, you feeling all right? A little woozy perhaps? 300 00:17:20,040 --> 00:17:22,327 - Whoa! - Huh? Unable to make good decisions? 301 00:17:22,400 --> 00:17:24,726 We should take it to the next level and you, like, suck my dick. 302 00:17:24,800 --> 00:17:27,521 Baby, you take it to the next level, you stop feelin' sick, okay? 303 00:17:27,600 --> 00:17:30,683 Oh, my God. You are my bestest friend. 304 00:17:30,760 --> 00:17:32,330 Yes. With benefits. 305 00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:35,290 Ah... Fuck my mouth with your fingers. 306 00:17:35,520 --> 00:17:36,601 Fuck! 307 00:17:37,800 --> 00:17:39,450 I'm never gonna get none. 308 00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:44,487 I'll fuck you. I ain't gonna like it, but I'll do it. 309 00:17:44,600 --> 00:17:46,329 Listen, I don't fuck white girls, okay? 310 00:17:46,440 --> 00:17:48,044 Nigga, who you callin' white? 311 00:17:50,200 --> 00:17:52,362 She just call me the N word? 312 00:17:53,600 --> 00:17:55,204 Kind of turned me on. 313 00:17:56,400 --> 00:17:58,323 Call me "nigga" again. 314 00:18:04,080 --> 00:18:06,082 Mmm-hmm. 315 00:18:12,480 --> 00:18:13,811 Well, hello there. 316 00:18:13,880 --> 00:18:15,882 Yeah, this is Hannah. 317 00:18:16,640 --> 00:18:17,801 Hannah, are you wasted? 318 00:18:17,880 --> 00:18:19,291 Yes, I am wasted. 319 00:18:19,360 --> 00:18:22,011 You're a hole-ass, you're might on the roney, 320 00:18:22,120 --> 00:18:24,361 you penis suck of yours. 321 00:18:24,440 --> 00:18:28,525 You sound like Yoda. Listen, I want you to go home right now. 322 00:18:28,600 --> 00:18:30,284 Don't tell me what to do, 323 00:18:30,360 --> 00:18:32,761 Mr. "Oh, let's go for coffee. 324 00:18:32,880 --> 00:18:34,803 "No, stay away from me!" 325 00:18:34,880 --> 00:18:37,326 Let me put this in words you can understand. 326 00:18:37,400 --> 00:18:40,370 Now, right home you go! 327 00:18:40,440 --> 00:18:41,441 No! 328 00:18:41,880 --> 00:18:42,961 I told him. 329 00:18:43,720 --> 00:18:45,961 - Mmm-hmm. - Bitch, you smell like shit. 330 00:18:50,160 --> 00:18:51,446 Ugh! 331 00:18:55,720 --> 00:18:58,041 Oh, Hannah! Hannah! Hey, it's cold out here. 332 00:18:58,120 --> 00:18:59,201 You can't come out like that. 333 00:18:59,280 --> 00:19:00,725 Oh, thank you. 334 00:19:00,800 --> 00:19:02,086 How you feelin'? 335 00:19:02,200 --> 00:19:03,850 Just a little bit drunk. 336 00:19:03,920 --> 00:19:06,400 Are you, like, Donald-Trump-running- for-president drunk 337 00:19:06,480 --> 00:19:08,687 or, like, Donald-Trump-saying- he-don't-like-Mexicans drunk? 338 00:19:08,760 --> 00:19:09,966 'Cause that's some crazy shit, man. 339 00:19:10,040 --> 00:19:12,327 A lot of Mexicans out there just crossing the border and shit! 340 00:19:12,400 --> 00:19:15,324 And you show them niggas love! Show them niggas love! 341 00:19:15,400 --> 00:19:16,401 Can I show you some love? 342 00:19:16,480 --> 00:19:17,527 What? No! 343 00:19:17,600 --> 00:19:20,968 Come on. Come on! Just one kiss, man! 344 00:19:21,040 --> 00:19:23,042 I don't know when you gonna be this drunk again! 345 00:19:23,120 --> 00:19:24,690 Come on, gimme that kiss! 346 00:19:24,760 --> 00:19:25,761 Ow! Stop! 347 00:19:25,840 --> 00:19:28,366 - Hey! Hey! She said no! - Stop! 348 00:19:30,080 --> 00:19:31,241 Christian! 349 00:19:31,440 --> 00:19:32,726 You just push me, nigga? 350 00:19:33,120 --> 00:19:35,248 Oh, you got some crazy shit coming, boy. 351 00:19:35,640 --> 00:19:36,721 Wait. Hold up. This nigga comin' back? 352 00:19:36,800 --> 00:19:37,847 Comin' to you, nigga. 353 00:19:37,920 --> 00:19:39,524 He comin' back! 354 00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:41,364 Damn! 355 00:19:44,640 --> 00:19:46,768 Christian, stay down! 356 00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:48,445 Okay. Okay. 357 00:19:48,800 --> 00:19:51,280 The nigga's a ninja! This nigga's a ninja. 358 00:19:51,640 --> 00:19:53,608 Worldstar! 359 00:19:53,680 --> 00:19:56,604 - Bitch! - He had such a beautiful face. 360 00:19:57,600 --> 00:19:59,125 Did he leave? 361 00:19:59,200 --> 00:20:01,043 You better run! 362 00:20:01,920 --> 00:20:03,285 Oh, I don't feel so good, Christian. 363 00:20:03,360 --> 00:20:04,407 Come on, let's get you home. 364 00:20:04,480 --> 00:20:06,608 Oh, no, I can't with you, 365 00:20:06,720 --> 00:20:09,769 because my roommate is in there. 366 00:20:10,120 --> 00:20:13,249 Don't worry. She's being well taken care of. 367 00:20:13,320 --> 00:20:14,890 What's your name again? 368 00:20:15,040 --> 00:20:17,088 My name is Eli. 369 00:20:17,160 --> 00:20:19,731 My friends call me Weekday. 370 00:20:19,800 --> 00:20:21,325 I'm Christian's brother. 371 00:20:21,400 --> 00:20:23,050 Ooh... Mmm... 372 00:20:23,120 --> 00:20:25,168 The poor one. 373 00:20:25,240 --> 00:20:26,287 Mmm-mmm... 374 00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:30,249 I know what you're saying, 375 00:20:30,320 --> 00:20:35,167 "Oh, he's financially poor, yet spiritually rich." 376 00:20:35,480 --> 00:20:36,606 Mmm... 377 00:20:36,680 --> 00:20:39,160 - Nah, that don't count. - What do you feel? 378 00:20:40,520 --> 00:20:43,171 - What do you feel? - Oh, my God. 379 00:20:43,240 --> 00:20:46,642 When does that end? Oh, my God! 380 00:20:46,840 --> 00:20:51,448 The weight of my penis makes my money too heavy to carry around! 381 00:20:51,560 --> 00:20:52,686 Yes! 382 00:20:52,800 --> 00:20:54,325 I'll see you later, woman. 383 00:20:55,840 --> 00:20:58,525 - Until we meet again. - How can I touch you? 384 00:20:58,600 --> 00:21:00,443 I mean, get in touch with you! 385 00:21:00,520 --> 00:21:01,931 My number 386 00:21:02,880 --> 00:21:04,211 is seven. 387 00:21:04,280 --> 00:21:05,281 Oh! 388 00:21:06,200 --> 00:21:09,568 That's a good number. Oh, God. 389 00:21:09,640 --> 00:21:11,165 I'mma call you! 390 00:21:14,480 --> 00:21:16,323 Good morning. 391 00:21:17,440 --> 00:21:18,930 I've been staring at you all night. 392 00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:20,206 I haven't blinked once. 393 00:21:20,800 --> 00:21:22,370 Gosh, my eyes are hurting. 394 00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:27,885 - How did I get here? - I brought you here, Hannah. 395 00:21:29,040 --> 00:21:30,201 Did you undress me? 396 00:21:30,280 --> 00:21:31,850 I sure did. Mmm... 397 00:21:32,240 --> 00:21:33,571 My God, we didn't... 398 00:21:33,880 --> 00:21:35,928 No, we didn't. 399 00:21:36,760 --> 00:21:38,489 And I have the blue balls to prove it. 400 00:21:39,280 --> 00:21:41,089 Look at these things. 401 00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:43,406 Ugh! 402 00:21:43,480 --> 00:21:47,087 What are those? What the fuck are those? 403 00:21:47,240 --> 00:21:48,765 Oh... It hurts so much. 404 00:21:48,840 --> 00:21:50,410 I don't know what to do! 405 00:21:50,480 --> 00:21:51,811 Why are you showing me this? 406 00:21:52,480 --> 00:21:53,891 I ordered you some breakfast. 407 00:22:03,640 --> 00:22:07,087 Here. Eat. You'll need your strength. 408 00:22:07,320 --> 00:22:11,086 But you licked this one, and did all sorts of other weird stuff to it. 409 00:22:11,160 --> 00:22:13,925 Can I get a fresh one? Maybe some jam. 410 00:22:14,040 --> 00:22:15,610 No, eat it. 411 00:22:15,760 --> 00:22:18,001 Why don't you just leave me alone, Christian? 412 00:22:18,120 --> 00:22:20,088 Because I'm incapable of leaving you alone. 413 00:22:20,560 --> 00:22:22,050 I'm a certified stalker. 414 00:22:22,120 --> 00:22:25,362 I have four restraining orders, and I'm currently working on a fifth. 415 00:22:25,440 --> 00:22:26,965 Listen to me. 416 00:22:27,040 --> 00:22:29,771 I don't do the romance thing. 417 00:22:30,280 --> 00:22:33,602 Anal, yes. Fisting, sure. 418 00:22:33,760 --> 00:22:37,401 Two in the pink, one in the stink, yeah. 419 00:22:37,480 --> 00:22:40,450 I do that. But I don't do romance. 420 00:22:42,480 --> 00:22:44,084 You know, I'd like to bite that lip. 421 00:22:44,160 --> 00:22:45,810 I wish you would. 422 00:22:49,440 --> 00:22:50,441 Ow! 423 00:22:50,520 --> 00:22:51,681 Ow! Mmm... 424 00:22:51,760 --> 00:22:52,886 Oh, my God! 425 00:23:04,720 --> 00:23:07,530 Come on, let's get you outta here. 426 00:23:08,640 --> 00:23:10,961 - God, that made me wet. - Oh! 427 00:23:11,280 --> 00:23:12,441 Oh, love it. 428 00:23:21,160 --> 00:23:23,003 Fuck the bullshit. 429 00:23:33,480 --> 00:23:35,323 How you doin'? 430 00:23:42,840 --> 00:23:44,365 Open your eyes. Lizard kisses, come on. 431 00:23:51,760 --> 00:23:53,000 Vampire bite! 432 00:23:57,680 --> 00:23:58,806 I love it! More! 433 00:23:58,880 --> 00:24:00,120 Yes! Yes! 434 00:24:01,240 --> 00:24:02,605 Oh, my God! 435 00:24:08,840 --> 00:24:10,604 You shut up and watch. 436 00:24:12,560 --> 00:24:13,891 Get outta here! 437 00:24:16,680 --> 00:24:18,011 Excuse me. 438 00:24:22,000 --> 00:24:25,049 I have to warn you, elevators make me horny. 439 00:24:28,040 --> 00:24:31,010 Ooh, Daddy, I want you to write a song about me. 440 00:24:31,320 --> 00:24:32,924 I wanna be your muse. 441 00:24:33,000 --> 00:24:34,604 Oh, this is a great time. 442 00:24:34,680 --> 00:24:37,206 I'm inspired to write a song 443 00:24:37,280 --> 00:24:38,611 about you right now. 444 00:24:38,680 --> 00:24:40,523 Ooh, that feels so good. 445 00:24:41,280 --> 00:24:45,251 'Cause I love havin' sex unprotected 446 00:24:45,360 --> 00:24:46,361 Ooh. 447 00:24:46,440 --> 00:24:50,889 And I love when my dick's in you naked 448 00:24:50,960 --> 00:24:52,371 Deeper, Daddy, deeper! Yeah! 449 00:24:52,480 --> 00:24:55,848 Goin' raw in you, you, you... 450 00:24:55,920 --> 00:24:57,285 Yes! Yes! 451 00:24:57,360 --> 00:25:00,728 Goin' raw in you, you, you, you 452 00:25:00,800 --> 00:25:04,202 Ooh, I think you going platinum in about two minutes! Oh! 453 00:25:04,360 --> 00:25:07,284 You're infected, yeah 454 00:25:07,600 --> 00:25:10,365 Need antiseptic, yeah 455 00:25:10,480 --> 00:25:12,130 'Cause, girl, you burned it 456 00:25:12,200 --> 00:25:14,441 Ooh, that like an E minor or something? 457 00:25:14,520 --> 00:25:16,443 Oh, you burned it! 458 00:25:17,080 --> 00:25:18,525 Oh, you burned 459 00:25:18,760 --> 00:25:20,364 Ah... You... 460 00:25:24,360 --> 00:25:25,361 Ooh, shit. 461 00:25:25,440 --> 00:25:27,169 Motherfucker! 462 00:25:30,480 --> 00:25:33,450 You done? I gotta get to church. 463 00:25:35,040 --> 00:25:36,201 - Hey! - Oh. 464 00:25:36,280 --> 00:25:37,441 You two are fucking. 465 00:25:39,480 --> 00:25:41,323 - Ooh. - Hey, bro. 466 00:25:44,080 --> 00:25:45,969 - How you doin'? - My brother. 467 00:25:46,200 --> 00:25:47,281 My brother, peace and blessings. 468 00:25:47,560 --> 00:25:49,642 Hannah, this is my little brother, Eli. 469 00:25:49,840 --> 00:25:51,365 - Little? - Yes. 470 00:25:51,440 --> 00:25:53,761 I'm Eli, like the movie about the book, 471 00:25:53,840 --> 00:25:55,126 because I'm deep. 472 00:25:55,240 --> 00:25:56,241 He is deep. 473 00:25:56,320 --> 00:25:57,321 Balls deep. 474 00:25:57,400 --> 00:25:58,686 Yeah. 475 00:25:58,760 --> 00:26:00,364 Kateesha told me a lot about you. 476 00:26:00,440 --> 00:26:02,568 Yeah, you're like... You're, like, a lot 477 00:26:02,640 --> 00:26:04,483 plainer than I thought you would be. 478 00:26:04,560 --> 00:26:06,403 Well, she plain but pretty. 479 00:26:06,520 --> 00:26:09,729 - You're like a brick wall, just boring and rigid... - Okay. 480 00:26:09,800 --> 00:26:12,201 And just ashy in some places. 481 00:26:12,280 --> 00:26:14,009 Okay, okay, okay, okay, enough with the small talk. 482 00:26:14,640 --> 00:26:17,041 We have a long drive ahead of us. 483 00:26:17,160 --> 00:26:19,322 We do. Great pleasure. It's been a pleasure. 484 00:26:20,160 --> 00:26:21,730 The moon shall rise again. 485 00:26:21,800 --> 00:26:24,326 Ooh, that so romantic, boo. What that mean? 486 00:26:25,320 --> 00:26:29,041 - Deuces, bitch. - Okay, I got you! I see you later! 487 00:26:29,120 --> 00:26:31,043 - Nice meeting you. - Bye. 488 00:26:32,640 --> 00:26:36,361 All right, so listen. Meet me at the office later. 489 00:26:36,480 --> 00:26:38,130 I have something special planned for you. 490 00:26:38,840 --> 00:26:40,524 - Okay? Deuces, bitch. - Mmm-hmm. 491 00:26:40,600 --> 00:26:42,443 - Who you calling a bitch? - Oh, shit! 492 00:26:42,680 --> 00:26:43,727 Damn, girl. 493 00:26:43,800 --> 00:26:45,768 I was just saying. He said it to her, 494 00:26:45,840 --> 00:26:46,921 and I thought it was cute. 495 00:26:47,040 --> 00:26:48,041 Mmm. 496 00:26:48,640 --> 00:26:50,130 Damn, bitch... I mean, girl. 497 00:27:00,960 --> 00:27:02,325 Are you ready for the ride of your life? 498 00:27:02,400 --> 00:27:04,607 Oh, my God! Are we gonna go in your helicopter? 499 00:27:10,160 --> 00:27:13,687 I can't believe you thought I was gonna take you on the chopper. 500 00:27:14,480 --> 00:27:16,209 We haven't even fucked yet. 501 00:27:20,720 --> 00:27:21,960 After you. 502 00:27:27,320 --> 00:27:29,163 Holy shit! You live here? 503 00:27:30,000 --> 00:27:33,049 What, a black man can't have a nice place like this? 504 00:27:33,120 --> 00:27:37,125 No, a black man cannot have a beautiful place like this. 505 00:27:37,200 --> 00:27:39,089 You know, Wesley Snipes had a place like this, 506 00:27:39,160 --> 00:27:40,764 before he stopped doing his own taxes. 507 00:27:42,360 --> 00:27:43,486 How about some wine? 508 00:27:43,560 --> 00:27:44,686 Yes, please. 509 00:27:44,760 --> 00:27:45,761 Okay. 510 00:27:48,920 --> 00:27:51,366 Do you know why I brought you here, Hannah? 511 00:27:51,480 --> 00:27:53,687 I'm assuming to make sweet love. 512 00:27:53,760 --> 00:27:56,366 I don't make love. I fuck. 513 00:27:56,520 --> 00:27:58,488 Hard and quick. 514 00:27:59,000 --> 00:28:00,161 Really quick. 515 00:28:00,400 --> 00:28:03,563 It's like a Ronda Rousey fight. You blink and it's over. 516 00:28:04,080 --> 00:28:05,889 Okay. 517 00:28:06,000 --> 00:28:08,321 But first you're gonna have to sign 518 00:28:08,400 --> 00:28:09,686 a nondisclosure agreement. 519 00:28:10,040 --> 00:28:11,121 What's that? 520 00:28:11,200 --> 00:28:14,010 It's basically lawyer talk for "shut the fuck up." 521 00:28:14,320 --> 00:28:16,129 Come with me. I'll explain. 522 00:28:16,240 --> 00:28:17,401 A nondisclosure agreement 523 00:28:17,520 --> 00:28:20,490 protects both you and me, but mostly me. 524 00:28:26,080 --> 00:28:29,209 Behind this door is my playroom. 525 00:28:29,280 --> 00:28:31,408 You mean, like, for your PlayStation and stuff? 526 00:28:34,760 --> 00:28:36,728 Ooh. That's a nice key. 527 00:28:39,320 --> 00:28:40,606 So tight. 528 00:28:46,680 --> 00:28:50,082 Keyhole don't wanna open! You ready to get opened? 529 00:28:57,960 --> 00:29:01,487 Reload, man! Reload! I told you to reload! 530 00:29:02,160 --> 00:29:03,571 I'm an Xbox man myself. 531 00:29:03,640 --> 00:29:04,766 Oh, you next, Black! 532 00:29:04,840 --> 00:29:05,921 You don't want none of this. 533 00:29:06,000 --> 00:29:07,525 Yo, when you done with Wendy Williams over there, 534 00:29:07,640 --> 00:29:09,642 jump on this game so I can shoot you in the face! 535 00:29:09,760 --> 00:29:12,366 I'm gonna be honest with you, Christian. She's not attractive. 536 00:29:12,440 --> 00:29:14,090 Like, the bitch look like she got lupus. 537 00:29:14,160 --> 00:29:16,924 Well, you look like a thumb that's been yanked out of somebody's asshole. 538 00:29:17,000 --> 00:29:19,924 Oh! 539 00:29:22,760 --> 00:29:23,761 Slam dunk! 540 00:29:23,840 --> 00:29:24,841 That's crazy. That's crazy. 541 00:29:24,920 --> 00:29:26,524 Yeah, well, how about... Ha! 542 00:29:27,600 --> 00:29:29,250 - I got nothing. - 'Cause I'm better than you. 543 00:29:29,480 --> 00:29:30,925 Okay, well, I got something 544 00:29:31,000 --> 00:29:32,286 I really wanna show you. 545 00:29:32,400 --> 00:29:34,528 Oh, my God. It's not more broke niggas, is it? 546 00:29:34,600 --> 00:29:36,011 - No more broke niggas. - No offense. 547 00:29:36,080 --> 00:29:38,811 And don't worry about those ingrown hairs on your penis. 548 00:29:38,920 --> 00:29:40,126 We can't see them through your pants. 549 00:29:40,200 --> 00:29:41,804 Don't give her all the dick, bro. 550 00:29:41,880 --> 00:29:43,564 - She don't deserve it. - Half the dick. 551 00:29:43,640 --> 00:29:45,847 Over there fucking Charles Barkley. 552 00:30:16,960 --> 00:30:18,325 Fuck this shit! I'm out! 553 00:30:18,400 --> 00:30:22,121 Please, Ms. Steale. Just keep an open mind. 554 00:30:42,520 --> 00:30:44,522 Tantalizing. 555 00:30:51,800 --> 00:30:53,564 Got these from my grandma. 556 00:31:02,760 --> 00:31:04,683 You're a sick motherfucker. 557 00:31:04,800 --> 00:31:07,531 No, Bill Cosby's a sick motherfucker. 558 00:31:07,600 --> 00:31:08,726 I'm just a dominant. 559 00:31:08,800 --> 00:31:10,404 What does that have to do with me? 560 00:31:10,760 --> 00:31:14,401 I want you to give yourself to me sexually. 561 00:31:14,800 --> 00:31:18,282 Hence all the whips, chains and freaky sex toys. 562 00:31:19,120 --> 00:31:20,849 And what would I get out of it? 563 00:31:21,760 --> 00:31:22,761 Me. 564 00:31:25,840 --> 00:31:27,330 Oh, my God! 565 00:31:27,760 --> 00:31:30,331 - Ooh. Let me get this straight. - Mmm-hmm. 566 00:31:30,520 --> 00:31:33,490 So, you wanna beat me with these paddles... 567 00:31:33,560 --> 00:31:35,528 - Whip. - Whips. 568 00:31:35,640 --> 00:31:37,165 You wanna chain me to this rack... 569 00:31:37,240 --> 00:31:39,049 Eh... Handcuff. 570 00:31:39,160 --> 00:31:41,367 And humiliate me in unimaginable ways, 571 00:31:41,440 --> 00:31:43,886 and in exchange for all this torture, 572 00:31:44,000 --> 00:31:45,570 I get you? 573 00:31:46,080 --> 00:31:47,206 Yeah, that's correct. 574 00:31:47,320 --> 00:31:48,845 And women go for this? 575 00:31:49,240 --> 00:31:50,651 Some women. 576 00:31:52,160 --> 00:31:56,210 - It's like Disneyland for grown-ups. - Yeah. 577 00:31:56,840 --> 00:31:58,046 So, what do you think? 578 00:31:58,160 --> 00:32:00,561 I'm pretty much cool with anything, 579 00:32:00,680 --> 00:32:04,002 as long as you promise you won't tell my dad I fucked a black guy. 580 00:32:07,000 --> 00:32:09,162 So, what do you think? 581 00:32:10,000 --> 00:32:12,048 Two things. Where's the cup, 582 00:32:12,120 --> 00:32:13,849 and when do we eat shit? 583 00:32:17,680 --> 00:32:19,842 What we supposed to do in here? 584 00:32:20,000 --> 00:32:22,765 Well, I thought we'd start with a little bit of rope play. 585 00:32:23,360 --> 00:32:24,521 No! 586 00:32:25,200 --> 00:32:28,403 Okay, well, how about I just mount you to that rack over there and spank you? 587 00:32:28,520 --> 00:32:30,124 Hell to the no! 588 00:32:30,880 --> 00:32:33,201 Perhaps a little bit of flogging? 589 00:32:33,280 --> 00:32:36,011 I don't even know what the hell flogging means, 590 00:32:36,080 --> 00:32:38,128 so fuck to the no! 591 00:32:38,720 --> 00:32:40,722 Okay, well, what are we supposed to do then? 592 00:32:40,800 --> 00:32:43,485 You need to find Jesus! That's what you can do. 593 00:32:45,800 --> 00:32:48,121 Okay, here's how it goes. 594 00:32:48,200 --> 00:32:50,726 I've drafted a standard contract that lays out the terms. 595 00:32:51,080 --> 00:32:53,481 Lots of sex, we have more sex. 596 00:32:53,560 --> 00:32:55,562 Yadda-yadda, we end with sex. 597 00:32:56,040 --> 00:32:59,010 You look it over, and you negotiate what you're willing to do. 598 00:32:59,480 --> 00:33:02,404 I hate to throw a monkey wrench 599 00:33:02,480 --> 00:33:04,164 into the whole works here, 600 00:33:05,400 --> 00:33:06,481 but I... 601 00:33:06,560 --> 00:33:07,641 You have low self-esteem? 602 00:33:07,720 --> 00:33:09,484 No. I... 603 00:33:09,560 --> 00:33:11,449 You have daddy issues. 604 00:33:12,960 --> 00:33:14,166 No. 605 00:33:15,280 --> 00:33:17,328 What I'm trying to tell you is, I'm a... 606 00:33:19,600 --> 00:33:21,250 - A virgin? - Yeah. 607 00:33:22,520 --> 00:33:25,444 Man! I can't believe this! 608 00:33:26,280 --> 00:33:27,486 I don't understand! 609 00:33:27,600 --> 00:33:30,410 Okay, tell me you've done something. 610 00:33:30,480 --> 00:33:31,606 Blowjob? 611 00:33:31,800 --> 00:33:34,280 - Where does the blowing come in? - Finger pop? 612 00:33:34,360 --> 00:33:36,522 - No. - Angry panda? 613 00:33:36,600 --> 00:33:39,126 - Why is it angry? - Why did you ask that? 614 00:33:39,680 --> 00:33:42,843 Oh, my God! Okay, tell me you've done anal. 615 00:33:42,920 --> 00:33:44,160 I know how it goes. 616 00:33:44,280 --> 00:33:46,647 You let guys put it in your little rusty bullet hole 617 00:33:46,760 --> 00:33:49,520 so you can tell your mama and your pastor that you're still a virgin. 618 00:33:49,600 --> 00:33:51,250 I've just been waiting. 619 00:33:51,320 --> 00:33:52,651 For what? 620 00:33:52,720 --> 00:33:55,007 Girl, you are 20-something years old! 621 00:33:55,120 --> 00:33:57,805 It don't get no better. It's going to spoil! 622 00:33:58,120 --> 00:34:02,569 It's fermenting down there. Just fermenting. Okay? 623 00:34:02,640 --> 00:34:04,642 You gonna tell me nobody wanted the pussy? 624 00:34:05,120 --> 00:34:08,886 Well, I just am very selective about who I've wanted to... 625 00:34:08,960 --> 00:34:10,041 Oh, selective? 626 00:34:10,120 --> 00:34:13,449 Oh, that sound like something somebody with a pussy that nobody wanted would say. 627 00:34:13,520 --> 00:34:15,409 - Hey. - Don't get me wrong. 628 00:34:15,480 --> 00:34:18,290 I don't want it all worn out like an old washing machine belt 629 00:34:18,360 --> 00:34:21,648 or hanging like wet straps in a car wash 630 00:34:21,720 --> 00:34:25,645 or flapping around like an inflatable figure outside of a mattress store. 631 00:34:25,720 --> 00:34:28,007 But I want it to have some experience. 632 00:34:30,080 --> 00:34:31,366 Okay, look. 633 00:34:32,520 --> 00:34:35,364 We're gonna fix this situation. Right now. 634 00:34:36,760 --> 00:34:38,842 I've been waiting my whole life for this. 635 00:34:40,000 --> 00:34:41,240 Come on. 636 00:34:41,320 --> 00:34:42,481 Yes! 637 00:34:56,280 --> 00:34:58,408 Oh... Very... 638 00:34:59,000 --> 00:35:00,490 Very Sasquatch of you. 639 00:35:00,560 --> 00:35:02,688 Have you never had sex with a virgin before? 640 00:35:02,760 --> 00:35:04,125 Not a hairy one. 641 00:35:12,000 --> 00:35:13,650 Ow! You nicked me! 642 00:35:13,720 --> 00:35:14,721 Shh... 643 00:35:20,360 --> 00:35:22,044 What the hell? 644 00:35:22,880 --> 00:35:24,882 Oh, yeah, I have an outie. 645 00:35:27,640 --> 00:35:29,165 Oh, wow! 646 00:35:29,960 --> 00:35:31,086 Whoa! 647 00:35:31,360 --> 00:35:32,691 That got flavor! 648 00:35:33,560 --> 00:35:36,609 - What? - You're the first person who's seen it. 649 00:35:36,720 --> 00:35:38,404 Little Eskimo kisses? 650 00:35:40,240 --> 00:35:42,891 Ooh, I never had anyone do that to it before. 651 00:35:44,960 --> 00:35:47,247 - Ooh! Watch the teeth! - Sorry. 652 00:36:03,000 --> 00:36:04,331 Got him. 653 00:36:05,000 --> 00:36:06,411 Okay. 654 00:36:20,760 --> 00:36:22,444 Sorry. I didn't have time to shower. 655 00:36:22,520 --> 00:36:23,601 Shit! 656 00:36:39,480 --> 00:36:40,481 Thank you. 657 00:36:42,160 --> 00:36:43,491 Ooh! 658 00:36:45,040 --> 00:36:46,963 Okay. You ready? 659 00:36:47,360 --> 00:36:49,806 I'm gonna take you to a whole 'nother galaxy! 660 00:36:49,880 --> 00:36:51,530 Oh, my God, I'm coming! 661 00:36:54,040 --> 00:36:56,520 Oh, God! 662 00:36:59,560 --> 00:37:02,848 God! God! God! God! 663 00:37:03,720 --> 00:37:05,324 - Whoo! - Already? 664 00:37:07,800 --> 00:37:09,131 Oh, that was amazing. 665 00:37:09,640 --> 00:37:12,246 Really? I guess I was expecting something 666 00:37:12,800 --> 00:37:14,086 different. 667 00:37:14,320 --> 00:37:16,561 Don't worry about it. It's your first time. Don't sweat it. 668 00:37:17,320 --> 00:37:20,130 You'll get better with experience. Just keep working on it. 669 00:37:21,440 --> 00:37:24,046 Oh, you know, it's customary for a woman 670 00:37:24,160 --> 00:37:25,810 to make a man an oversized sandwich 671 00:37:25,880 --> 00:37:27,166 to help him regain his strength. 672 00:37:27,480 --> 00:37:30,882 Either that or some leftover pizza, or maybe a Hot Pocket. 673 00:37:31,000 --> 00:37:33,002 You want me to make you a Hot Pocket now? 674 00:37:33,280 --> 00:37:35,203 I don't make the rules, I'm just telling you. 675 00:37:36,080 --> 00:37:37,809 You got a lot to learn, kid. 676 00:37:38,720 --> 00:37:39,767 Mmm... 677 00:37:43,520 --> 00:37:45,090 Are you asleep already? 678 00:37:46,000 --> 00:37:47,365 Nigga! 679 00:37:47,440 --> 00:37:48,566 Ugh! 680 00:38:16,120 --> 00:38:17,565 Christian? 681 00:38:19,400 --> 00:38:21,050 - Christian! - Oh, shit! 682 00:38:21,120 --> 00:38:22,246 Who the fuck is that? 683 00:38:22,400 --> 00:38:24,289 My mother. 684 00:38:24,440 --> 00:38:26,602 Oh! 685 00:38:27,560 --> 00:38:28,686 Great. 686 00:38:28,760 --> 00:38:31,889 Now I gotta get rid of two crazy bitches. Fuck. 687 00:38:33,440 --> 00:38:34,885 Mother! 688 00:38:35,040 --> 00:38:37,088 - Ah, Christian. - Hello. 689 00:38:37,240 --> 00:38:40,084 Oh, you better get dressed, or we're gonna be late for the regatta. 690 00:38:40,160 --> 00:38:41,969 I forgot that was today. 691 00:38:42,080 --> 00:38:43,570 You're not doing crack again, are you? 692 00:38:43,600 --> 00:38:45,329 - No, Mother. - I never raised you that way. 693 00:38:45,400 --> 00:38:48,324 However, it is a prominent trait in your genealogical pool. 694 00:38:48,400 --> 00:38:49,526 Hello. 695 00:38:49,600 --> 00:38:51,762 I'm standing my ground! I'm standing my ground! 696 00:38:53,920 --> 00:38:55,251 Oh, shit! 697 00:38:55,320 --> 00:38:58,164 Mother, what're you doing? That's Hannah Steale! 698 00:38:59,600 --> 00:39:01,250 How many times I gotta tell you? Black lives matter. 699 00:39:01,320 --> 00:39:02,810 Come on, let's get you up. 700 00:39:05,440 --> 00:39:07,522 - Hannah, this is my mother, Claire. - Oh. 701 00:39:08,920 --> 00:39:11,400 I am so sorry, Hannah. 702 00:39:12,960 --> 00:39:14,485 Oh, my, you have beautiful breasts. 703 00:39:14,600 --> 00:39:16,489 I would've thought they'd be more droopy, 704 00:39:16,600 --> 00:39:18,443 like a sock with a rock in the toe, 705 00:39:18,520 --> 00:39:20,807 like in those National Geographic magazines. 706 00:39:22,320 --> 00:39:24,084 You're gonna have to forgive my mother's behavior. 707 00:39:24,160 --> 00:39:28,210 Sometimes she can be factually inaccurate and quite racist. 708 00:39:28,280 --> 00:39:30,169 Do not apologize for me, Christian. 709 00:39:30,240 --> 00:39:31,730 I am your mother, and I love you 710 00:39:31,800 --> 00:39:33,529 like you were my own white child. 711 00:39:33,640 --> 00:39:35,642 But I still hide my wallet at night, just in case. 712 00:39:35,720 --> 00:39:37,210 As you should, Mother. 713 00:39:37,280 --> 00:39:39,328 It is awesome to meet you. 714 00:39:40,480 --> 00:39:43,768 - Are you two dating? - Oh, no, Mother, we're not dating. 715 00:39:43,840 --> 00:39:45,524 We're just fucking. Hard. 716 00:39:45,640 --> 00:39:47,927 And quick. Apparently, it's the best way. 717 00:39:48,480 --> 00:39:51,563 Well, I just can't tell you how pleased I am to meet you, Hannah. 718 00:39:51,640 --> 00:39:55,247 I mean, you're the first woman I've seen Christian with. 719 00:39:55,320 --> 00:39:56,810 I assumed that he was... 720 00:39:57,360 --> 00:40:00,204 What would Oprah say? "On the DL?" 721 00:40:02,320 --> 00:40:03,321 Christian, you can do so much better. 722 00:40:03,400 --> 00:40:04,447 Oh, Mother. 723 00:40:04,520 --> 00:40:06,170 You're one of the richest, most handsome men in the world. 724 00:40:06,240 --> 00:40:07,480 You could date white women. 725 00:40:07,560 --> 00:40:09,085 Like Tiger Woods and Seal. 726 00:40:09,160 --> 00:40:10,969 Okay, it's time for you to go, Mother. 727 00:40:11,040 --> 00:40:15,170 Or like Taye Diggs or Quincy Jones. Or even Ice-T. 728 00:40:15,480 --> 00:40:19,451 Hannah, Christian's Chinese sister, Mai, has come to town, 729 00:40:19,560 --> 00:40:22,326 so we're gonna hide the cats and have the family over for dinner. 730 00:40:22,440 --> 00:40:24,442 - You should come. - I'd be delighted. 731 00:40:24,520 --> 00:40:25,806 It was really nice to meet you. 732 00:40:25,880 --> 00:40:27,689 Okay, great. Time to go, Mom. 733 00:40:29,200 --> 00:40:30,247 Oh... 734 00:40:30,560 --> 00:40:32,562 Now, where is my wallet? 735 00:40:32,640 --> 00:40:34,369 Still there. 736 00:40:34,440 --> 00:40:36,169 - You just never know. - Yeah. 737 00:40:37,720 --> 00:40:38,767 Mmm... 738 00:40:38,840 --> 00:40:40,683 They're delicious. Mmm. 739 00:40:41,200 --> 00:40:42,247 All right. 740 00:40:43,920 --> 00:40:45,809 We had breakfast. Time to go. 741 00:40:45,920 --> 00:40:48,366 Ooh, look, your Uber's here. All right. 742 00:40:52,600 --> 00:40:54,204 Okay, what? 743 00:40:55,520 --> 00:40:56,567 Spit it out. 744 00:40:57,040 --> 00:40:59,088 Well, how did you get into this whole 745 00:40:59,200 --> 00:41:01,362 dominant-submissive thing? 746 00:41:02,400 --> 00:41:04,687 It was one of my mother's really close friends, 747 00:41:04,760 --> 00:41:06,444 and my music teacher. 748 00:41:07,200 --> 00:41:08,804 I was 16. 749 00:41:10,320 --> 00:41:11,560 She was older. 750 00:41:21,400 --> 00:41:24,006 Don't look so nervous, Christian. 751 00:41:24,080 --> 00:41:28,847 All I ask is that you do your very best. 752 00:41:29,200 --> 00:41:31,931 I thought I was supposed to be here for music lessons. 753 00:41:32,920 --> 00:41:34,570 Baby, you are. 754 00:41:34,640 --> 00:41:39,089 And your lesson starts right here. 755 00:41:42,640 --> 00:41:44,642 Hey, hey. Ooh. Snap. 756 00:41:45,000 --> 00:41:46,729 We got a regular John Holmes here, 757 00:41:47,640 --> 00:41:49,483 without the big dick and the stamina! 758 00:41:49,680 --> 00:41:52,923 Okay! Again! One, two, three! 759 00:41:53,080 --> 00:41:54,650 Ow! 760 00:41:54,720 --> 00:41:57,206 Do you know why I hit you in the head with that tambourine, Black? 761 00:41:57,280 --> 00:41:58,486 I have no idea. 762 00:41:58,560 --> 00:42:00,210 Well, were you rushing or were you dragging? 763 00:42:00,360 --> 00:42:01,805 I... I thought I was fucking. 764 00:42:01,880 --> 00:42:04,121 Oh! That wasn't fucking! 765 00:42:04,920 --> 00:42:06,604 Now, count off. 766 00:42:07,440 --> 00:42:08,965 One, two... 767 00:42:09,280 --> 00:42:11,169 Was I rushing or was I dragging? 768 00:42:11,280 --> 00:42:13,567 - Answer the question! - You were rushing! 769 00:42:13,960 --> 00:42:17,203 Is that a tear? Oh! Poor little guy. 770 00:42:17,280 --> 00:42:19,567 - Are you upset? - I'm upset. 771 00:42:19,680 --> 00:42:24,208 You worthless, adopted, unloved little piece of shit! 772 00:42:24,800 --> 00:42:29,408 Weeping and slobbering over my vagina like a 9-year-old girl! 773 00:42:29,480 --> 00:42:31,767 Now, for the last father-fucking time, 774 00:42:32,080 --> 00:42:34,924 - say it louder so I can hear it! - I'm upset! 775 00:42:35,000 --> 00:42:37,765 Oh, Black, get off the bed! You make me sick. 776 00:42:37,840 --> 00:42:39,888 - But I'm upset. - Get off the bed! 777 00:42:40,000 --> 00:42:43,163 - You're not ready for this! - I'm ready! 778 00:42:43,240 --> 00:42:44,401 Ugh! 779 00:42:44,560 --> 00:42:46,608 Willy? Willy, you're up next. 780 00:42:47,360 --> 00:42:48,407 Willy? 781 00:42:48,480 --> 00:42:50,528 You better get your shit together, Black! 782 00:42:50,600 --> 00:42:53,331 You're not gonna amount to anything, sexually or musically. 783 00:42:53,400 --> 00:42:54,890 And you know what the biggest 784 00:42:54,960 --> 00:42:56,803 disappointment of all is to me? 785 00:42:57,000 --> 00:43:00,846 I thought all you black men had rhythm and a big dick! 786 00:43:01,320 --> 00:43:03,209 Boy, was I mistaken! 787 00:43:04,400 --> 00:43:06,129 I have rhythm! 788 00:43:08,920 --> 00:43:11,651 You're all set, Ms. Steale. Courtesy of Mr. Black. 789 00:43:14,920 --> 00:43:16,046 What the heck? 790 00:43:20,000 --> 00:43:22,446 What is that? Is that a drone? 791 00:43:23,320 --> 00:43:25,004 All right, just sign here. 792 00:43:28,320 --> 00:43:30,322 Thank you very much. 793 00:43:36,040 --> 00:43:38,441 Ooh, girl, another gift? 794 00:43:38,760 --> 00:43:41,127 Damn, you must be giving that bomb head! 795 00:43:41,840 --> 00:43:45,322 Wait a minute, is that a Retina display MacBook Pro? 796 00:43:45,400 --> 00:43:47,289 Bitch, you lickin' that butthole! 797 00:43:47,360 --> 00:43:48,805 I didn't lick a butthole! 798 00:43:48,880 --> 00:43:50,291 Shit, you lucky, girl. 799 00:43:50,360 --> 00:43:54,126 Like, I licked six buttholes last week! I got a Dell! 800 00:43:54,760 --> 00:43:56,046 Desktop! 801 00:43:56,120 --> 00:43:58,043 I can't take that shit anywhere, girl. 802 00:43:58,320 --> 00:43:59,481 Hey, the mail come already? 803 00:43:59,560 --> 00:44:00,721 No. 804 00:44:00,800 --> 00:44:04,964 It's just a weird sex contract Christian wants me to sign. 805 00:44:05,040 --> 00:44:09,125 You sign that, but then you get that paper, boo, all right? 806 00:44:09,200 --> 00:44:13,205 A bitch gotta get hers. You keep licking that bootie, okay? 807 00:44:48,320 --> 00:44:50,402 We're done? 808 00:44:50,720 --> 00:44:52,722 - Wha... - Yeah, I read your text. 809 00:44:52,800 --> 00:44:55,201 Wow face, sparkly diamond, poop? 810 00:44:55,280 --> 00:44:56,361 Like, what does that even mean? 811 00:44:56,440 --> 00:44:58,204 You got me all fucked up with your emojis, like... 812 00:44:58,280 --> 00:44:59,520 Hey, how did you get in here? 813 00:44:59,600 --> 00:45:01,045 Does it matter? 814 00:45:01,120 --> 00:45:04,044 Yes, actually it does matter, because you don't live here and you don't have a key. 815 00:45:04,120 --> 00:45:08,489 You don't need a key to get in a hamper, Hannah. 816 00:45:08,640 --> 00:45:10,449 Here, now, help me outta here. 817 00:45:11,200 --> 00:45:14,090 You're lucky I wasn't in your medicine cabinet, 818 00:45:14,200 --> 00:45:15,850 or your jewelry box. 819 00:45:15,920 --> 00:45:17,081 I tried to hide in your nightstand, 820 00:45:17,160 --> 00:45:19,162 but you had this Gideon Bible in there and I couldn't fit. 821 00:45:20,640 --> 00:45:23,007 Wait a minute, did you break in through that window? 822 00:45:23,080 --> 00:45:24,047 This one? 823 00:45:24,120 --> 00:45:25,849 Oh, no, that could've been anybody. 824 00:45:26,320 --> 00:45:29,608 The brick on the ground says "Property of Christian Black." 825 00:45:29,680 --> 00:45:31,205 "Christian..." 826 00:45:31,280 --> 00:45:33,647 Yeah, yeah, it does. 827 00:45:34,040 --> 00:45:36,964 But, I mean, that could belong to any black Christian, right? 828 00:45:37,040 --> 00:45:38,280 I mean, okay, shh... 829 00:45:39,240 --> 00:45:42,130 Enough with the interrogation. 830 00:45:43,440 --> 00:45:44,726 Come here. 831 00:46:17,640 --> 00:46:20,371 Do not move, 832 00:46:21,160 --> 00:46:23,891 or I'll be forced to punish you. 833 00:46:39,720 --> 00:46:41,051 I said don't move! 834 00:46:41,120 --> 00:46:42,121 Okay. 835 00:46:42,720 --> 00:46:43,721 Ooh! 836 00:46:43,800 --> 00:46:47,327 That feels weird. What is that? It's so hairy. 837 00:46:56,760 --> 00:46:58,922 Yeah! Yes! 838 00:46:59,000 --> 00:47:01,526 Wait, wait, wait, don't move. Don't, don't... 839 00:47:13,360 --> 00:47:15,089 Damn it, that shit was cold! 840 00:47:19,560 --> 00:47:20,607 Are you ready, Ms. Steale? 841 00:47:20,680 --> 00:47:21,761 Yes, Christian. 842 00:47:30,280 --> 00:47:31,327 Ooh! 843 00:47:31,400 --> 00:47:32,845 You brought a condom, right? 844 00:47:33,600 --> 00:47:36,285 - A condom? - Yeah. 845 00:47:36,360 --> 00:47:38,124 Oh... Okay. Yeah, of course! 846 00:47:38,200 --> 00:47:40,362 Of course I got a condom. Hold on one second. 847 00:47:40,600 --> 00:47:41,840 God damn it! 848 00:47:42,240 --> 00:47:45,687 Just knowing you care enough to use protection excites me. 849 00:47:45,800 --> 00:47:47,404 Aha! Old trusty dusty! 850 00:47:51,040 --> 00:47:52,963 "March, 1982?" Aw, hell no. 851 00:47:53,760 --> 00:47:55,808 Yeah, I got one right here! Found it! 852 00:47:56,840 --> 00:47:59,411 Here, let me open it up so you can hear it. 853 00:48:05,920 --> 00:48:07,490 Okay. 854 00:48:07,560 --> 00:48:11,121 I'm just gonna scoot these little bad boys to the side. 855 00:48:11,480 --> 00:48:14,245 Oh! And then I'm gonna park this right there. 856 00:48:14,720 --> 00:48:16,882 Oh, my God, it feels so natural. 857 00:48:16,960 --> 00:48:19,201 It's like you're not wearing anything at all! 858 00:48:19,280 --> 00:48:21,089 It's lambskin foreskin. 859 00:48:23,760 --> 00:48:25,364 - Oh! Just relax. - What? 860 00:48:25,440 --> 00:48:26,601 No, not you. Now I'm talking to myself. 861 00:48:29,840 --> 00:48:31,763 Okay? Oh... Ready? 862 00:48:38,840 --> 00:48:40,683 That was like two strokes! 863 00:48:42,240 --> 00:48:44,447 This nigga's back here settin' records! 864 00:48:44,520 --> 00:48:46,682 They gonna put me on a Wheaties box! Oh! 865 00:48:46,760 --> 00:48:48,364 Thank God you're wearing a condom. 866 00:48:48,640 --> 00:48:51,007 I know, 'cause, boy, 867 00:48:51,080 --> 00:48:52,969 we wouldn't want to get you pregnant, right? 868 00:48:53,040 --> 00:48:56,408 I know. I'm not even taking any birth control and I'm ovulating. 869 00:48:56,480 --> 00:48:58,323 Did I tell you that twins run in my family? 870 00:48:58,400 --> 00:48:59,526 Twins? 871 00:48:59,600 --> 00:49:01,090 My sister had sextuplets. 872 00:49:01,160 --> 00:49:02,161 Sextu... 873 00:49:03,440 --> 00:49:07,081 Oh, really? Let me just get an after-sex mint. 874 00:49:07,960 --> 00:49:09,405 Here, Hannah, here. 875 00:49:09,480 --> 00:49:11,323 Have one of these. Here you go. 876 00:49:11,400 --> 00:49:12,606 Yeah. 877 00:49:12,720 --> 00:49:14,688 - Ugh! It tastes weird. - All done? 878 00:49:14,760 --> 00:49:15,886 Ah! 879 00:49:16,560 --> 00:49:18,722 Good girl. Phew! 880 00:49:58,200 --> 00:49:59,611 Shall we begin, Ms. Steale? 881 00:49:59,920 --> 00:50:02,241 Page one, paragraph one. 882 00:50:02,840 --> 00:50:04,251 This must change! 883 00:50:05,360 --> 00:50:06,725 There's a typo in the header. 884 00:50:08,920 --> 00:50:09,967 That's it? 885 00:50:10,040 --> 00:50:12,964 Mr. Black, I will end this negotiation right now! 886 00:50:13,760 --> 00:50:15,649 My apologies. 887 00:50:16,400 --> 00:50:18,243 Page four, section 13-20. 888 00:50:18,520 --> 00:50:20,841 With regards to anal fisting... 889 00:50:21,200 --> 00:50:23,680 - Is there a problem? - Absolutely not. 890 00:50:24,920 --> 00:50:26,445 And strike out vaginal fisting. 891 00:50:26,520 --> 00:50:27,726 I mean, if you're gonna do anal, 892 00:50:27,800 --> 00:50:30,690 you're obviously gonna have vaginal fisting. I mean, it's a given. 893 00:50:30,760 --> 00:50:32,285 Oh, for sure. I will put that... 894 00:50:32,360 --> 00:50:34,442 I'm putting that in there in bold. 895 00:50:34,520 --> 00:50:38,889 Next page, sex toys. "Are they acceptable to the submissive?" 896 00:50:39,440 --> 00:50:42,967 Dildos, I guess. Butt plugs, fine. 897 00:50:43,160 --> 00:50:44,321 - Fuck yeah! - Whoa, whoa, whoa... 898 00:50:44,400 --> 00:50:45,526 How did this slip through the cracks? 899 00:50:45,600 --> 00:50:46,726 What's with the genital clamps? 900 00:50:46,800 --> 00:50:48,802 Sorry, Ms. Steale, I... 901 00:50:48,880 --> 00:50:50,769 I can't seem to find those in my... 902 00:50:50,840 --> 00:50:52,968 Because you forgot to put them in there. 903 00:50:53,920 --> 00:50:55,490 Rookie move, Mr. Black. 904 00:50:56,320 --> 00:50:57,606 Silly me. 905 00:51:05,120 --> 00:51:08,602 Let's be clear. I will not share you with another woman. 906 00:51:10,080 --> 00:51:12,321 - I require at least two or three. - Five. 907 00:51:12,400 --> 00:51:14,129 - Seven. - Seven it is. 908 00:51:14,240 --> 00:51:16,481 You're not gonna shortchange me, Mr. Black. 909 00:51:16,640 --> 00:51:18,802 You drive a hard bargain, Ms. Steale. 910 00:51:19,240 --> 00:51:21,163 - Thank you. - You know, Ms. Steale, 911 00:51:21,240 --> 00:51:23,527 I'd like to fuck you into the middle of next month. 912 00:51:23,920 --> 00:51:26,082 Silly. You couldn't fuck me 913 00:51:26,160 --> 00:51:27,889 into the middle of the next minute. 914 00:51:27,960 --> 00:51:29,849 I'll fuck you into a different galaxy. 915 00:51:29,920 --> 00:51:32,082 You'll be like, "Oh, shit, it's cold in Pluto!" 916 00:51:32,160 --> 00:51:34,686 Yeah, well, I'm gonna fuck you at the Stephen Hawking exhibit. 917 00:51:34,760 --> 00:51:38,447 And I'm gonna ram your ass so hard that I cause a tear in the time-space continuum. 918 00:51:38,520 --> 00:51:41,325 I'll fuck you through slavery times, and you'll get your freedom papers. 919 00:51:41,480 --> 00:51:44,765 Yeah, well, I'm gonna rent me a DeLorean and fuck you back to the future. 920 00:51:44,840 --> 00:51:48,005 I'll fuck you into a whole 'nother planet, where that insect is from Men in Black. 921 00:51:48,080 --> 00:51:50,367 You'll be like, "Oh, shit! How many times you fuck me?" 922 00:51:50,440 --> 00:51:52,966 Three million, 746 hundred million times. 923 00:51:53,040 --> 00:51:54,087 And you'd be like, "Why?" 924 00:51:54,160 --> 00:51:56,162 And I'd be like, "Shut up," and I hit you with the neuron, like... 925 00:51:58,680 --> 00:52:00,045 You'd be like, 926 00:52:00,880 --> 00:52:03,645 "Oh, my God, why is my vagina so sore?" 927 00:52:03,720 --> 00:52:05,768 And I'd be like, "You fell." 928 00:52:06,640 --> 00:52:08,802 Well played, Mr. Black. 929 00:52:08,880 --> 00:52:10,041 I've done this before. 930 00:52:12,320 --> 00:52:15,164 And he's a major beneficiary of our university. 931 00:52:15,240 --> 00:52:18,130 Interestingly enough, he donates all cash. 932 00:52:18,720 --> 00:52:22,008 Usually in ones, fives, twenties, 933 00:52:22,080 --> 00:52:25,243 the odd rolled-up $100 bill that's got a little bit of powder on it. 934 00:52:25,600 --> 00:52:28,251 Please welcome Mr. Christian Black. 935 00:52:32,560 --> 00:52:35,291 What you talkin' 'bout my business, huh? Don't get cut. 936 00:52:38,240 --> 00:52:41,961 Thank you. Let's talk about life and your purpose. 937 00:52:42,560 --> 00:52:47,327 You all spent four hard years in this school getting your diploma, 938 00:52:47,400 --> 00:52:50,529 putting your parents in debt, 939 00:52:50,600 --> 00:52:51,601 for what? 940 00:52:52,040 --> 00:52:56,250 Between global warming and the world economy crashing, 941 00:52:56,360 --> 00:52:59,204 I don't even know why you're trying to better yourselves. 942 00:52:59,320 --> 00:53:02,449 Give up hope! Think about it. 943 00:53:02,520 --> 00:53:04,443 You are wasting time. 944 00:53:04,560 --> 00:53:07,291 You. You're a drug addict waiting to happen. 945 00:53:07,360 --> 00:53:10,569 Look at you. You can't wait to get outta here and smoke some weed. 946 00:53:10,640 --> 00:53:13,291 And you! You are a stripper! 947 00:53:13,640 --> 00:53:16,246 Your ass is twerkin' as I'm sitting here talking. 948 00:53:16,320 --> 00:53:18,084 You can find the rhythm in anything. 949 00:53:18,320 --> 00:53:19,401 And you, sir. 950 00:53:19,720 --> 00:53:22,644 Well, you're white. You'll be fine. 951 00:53:23,320 --> 00:53:25,687 So, in closing, I would like to say, 952 00:53:26,240 --> 00:53:29,687 "Thank God I'm not you." 953 00:53:31,200 --> 00:53:33,965 - Kateesha! Oh, my God, we did it! - Girl! 954 00:53:34,040 --> 00:53:35,246 I'm so proud of you. 955 00:53:35,320 --> 00:53:37,288 Who you telling? I was close, girl. 956 00:53:37,400 --> 00:53:41,928 I was one handjob away from losing valedictorian to that bitch, 957 00:53:42,000 --> 00:53:43,570 Lindsey Hung, right? 958 00:53:43,640 --> 00:53:45,404 - What are you talking... - Shut up. 959 00:53:45,920 --> 00:53:47,649 I see that bitch, she talkin' shit. 960 00:53:48,200 --> 00:53:49,565 She gonna need a gynecologist 961 00:53:49,640 --> 00:53:51,927 when I'm done fucking that bitch up! All right! 962 00:53:52,120 --> 00:53:53,565 Girl, I'll see you later. 963 00:53:53,640 --> 00:53:55,210 I'mma go punch a bitch in the throat. 964 00:53:55,400 --> 00:53:57,402 Lindsey! You bilingual bitch! 965 00:53:57,600 --> 00:53:58,886 So proud of you. 966 00:53:59,720 --> 00:54:00,846 Hannah! 967 00:54:00,920 --> 00:54:01,921 Dad! 968 00:54:03,240 --> 00:54:04,651 I'm so happy to see you. 969 00:54:04,760 --> 00:54:06,967 Oh! I'm so proud of you. 970 00:54:07,200 --> 00:54:09,487 You know, I thought you'd turn out not to be shit. 971 00:54:09,640 --> 00:54:11,244 But you ended up looking real good, 972 00:54:11,320 --> 00:54:13,084 being that you from a drunken whore. 973 00:54:13,160 --> 00:54:16,289 - Oh, yeah. - Yeah, your mama's over at the rehab. 974 00:54:16,360 --> 00:54:18,442 Twenty-seven times is the fucking charm. 975 00:54:18,560 --> 00:54:20,483 - Isn't it? - Yeah, it's the fucking charm. 976 00:54:20,560 --> 00:54:21,925 Hey, where are my other stepdads? 977 00:54:22,000 --> 00:54:23,604 Right over there. 978 00:54:24,800 --> 00:54:26,848 Jonny Quest, B. B. King. 979 00:54:26,920 --> 00:54:28,604 I don't know who that nigga is with his shirt off. 980 00:54:28,680 --> 00:54:30,364 That must be your birth daddy. 981 00:54:30,640 --> 00:54:33,530 Yeah, it's all good. What a great bunch of guys. 982 00:54:33,720 --> 00:54:36,405 And you know the old saying, "It takes a village." 983 00:54:36,480 --> 00:54:38,608 And it's true. Especially when it comes 984 00:54:38,680 --> 00:54:40,205 to your mom being a gutter slut 985 00:54:40,600 --> 00:54:42,409 and the village is a gangbang. 986 00:54:43,640 --> 00:54:45,847 - The village is a gangbang. - Hannah! 987 00:54:46,720 --> 00:54:47,846 Hi! 988 00:54:48,440 --> 00:54:50,169 Hey, hey, hey, hold up, player! 989 00:54:50,240 --> 00:54:52,447 Shit, how you gonna walk up and kiss the girl that I raised? 990 00:54:52,520 --> 00:54:53,931 What kind of shit is this? 991 00:54:54,000 --> 00:54:57,209 Ron, this is my boyfriend, Christian Black. 992 00:54:57,720 --> 00:54:58,926 Boyfriend! 993 00:54:59,000 --> 00:55:01,846 Ron, to be honest with you, I just fucked her a few times. 994 00:55:02,280 --> 00:55:05,124 "Boyfriend" makes it sound serious, like I went raw. 995 00:55:05,200 --> 00:55:06,645 I mean, I might've dipped, but... 996 00:55:06,720 --> 00:55:08,131 Are you thinkin' about marrying her? 997 00:55:08,240 --> 00:55:09,321 No. 998 00:55:09,400 --> 00:55:10,561 What if she get pregnant? 999 00:55:10,640 --> 00:55:13,007 Still no, but hell no. 1000 00:55:16,080 --> 00:55:17,320 I like this fella! 1001 00:55:18,480 --> 00:55:19,970 I like this nigga right here. 1002 00:55:20,040 --> 00:55:21,326 I fucks with your stepdad. 1003 00:55:21,400 --> 00:55:24,285 You know what, from player to player, Black, I really like you, man. 1004 00:55:24,360 --> 00:55:27,204 - You can fuck anybody you wanna fuck. - Thank you. 1005 00:55:27,280 --> 00:55:30,682 Yeah, just don't pass her around like we did her mama. 1006 00:55:30,760 --> 00:55:32,762 - That's all I ask you to do. - Yes, sir, out of respect. 1007 00:55:32,840 --> 00:55:34,763 We passed her mama around like a baton, man. 1008 00:55:34,840 --> 00:55:35,887 Yeah. 1009 00:55:35,960 --> 00:55:37,371 You never told me that about your mother. 1010 00:55:37,440 --> 00:55:39,681 Your mother fucked everybody in the neighborhood, 1011 00:55:39,760 --> 00:55:42,161 and then wanted to settle down with me, and I went for it. 1012 00:55:42,240 --> 00:55:43,730 You know what, I gotta hang out with you, man, 1013 00:55:43,800 --> 00:55:45,768 get your knowledge, man, 'cause you got a lot of wisdom. 1014 00:55:45,840 --> 00:55:48,161 I got a lot of wisdom and I been through a lot, 1015 00:55:48,280 --> 00:55:49,805 and I done been with a lot of hos 1016 00:55:49,880 --> 00:55:52,929 and the smells that's on my fingers 1017 00:55:53,120 --> 00:55:54,804 - over all the years... - Oh, shit! What! 1018 00:55:54,880 --> 00:55:57,247 - Still there. Never went away. - Oh! Damn! 1019 00:55:57,680 --> 00:56:00,604 Wow, sir! I smelled every last single one of them! 1020 00:56:00,680 --> 00:56:01,761 Yes, man. 1021 00:56:01,840 --> 00:56:04,730 It was like beautiful and horrible at the same time. 1022 00:56:04,840 --> 00:56:06,888 I've stuck my hands in some of 1023 00:56:06,960 --> 00:56:09,361 the nastiest bitches' pants all over the world. 1024 00:56:09,440 --> 00:56:10,487 Really? 1025 00:56:10,560 --> 00:56:13,404 - Asia, Malaysia, Congo. - Hmm. 1026 00:56:13,880 --> 00:56:15,530 That's Dubai right there. 1027 00:56:15,640 --> 00:56:17,324 Wow, I smell the hair. 1028 00:56:17,560 --> 00:56:19,961 Touched a bitch's booty hole in Dubai at the airport. 1029 00:56:20,040 --> 00:56:22,202 I bet you could probably spit a lot of game to me, my nigga. 1030 00:56:22,280 --> 00:56:24,846 Let's take a picture, let me get a picture of me and you. Make it a selfie. 1031 00:56:24,920 --> 00:56:26,046 No, no, baby. Just me and him. 1032 00:56:26,120 --> 00:56:28,726 Ready? One, two, three. Nigga! 1033 00:56:33,400 --> 00:56:34,731 Where are we going? 1034 00:56:36,960 --> 00:56:38,086 Congratulations, Hannah. 1035 00:56:38,160 --> 00:56:39,810 That's a car. 1036 00:56:40,280 --> 00:56:41,611 With a broken window? 1037 00:56:41,680 --> 00:56:42,920 Do you like it? 1038 00:56:46,120 --> 00:56:49,408 Yeah. It's nice. 1039 00:56:49,480 --> 00:56:51,209 You know what I went through to steal this car? 1040 00:56:52,320 --> 00:56:55,085 I mean... The car was a steal. 1041 00:56:56,960 --> 00:56:58,883 - Did you just roll your eyes at me? - No. 1042 00:56:59,000 --> 00:57:00,684 Listen, there's only two things I hate, 1043 00:57:00,840 --> 00:57:03,207 when you roll your eyes at me and Craisins. 1044 00:57:03,600 --> 00:57:07,810 Like, what is a Craisin? It's not a cranberry, it's not a raisin. 1045 00:57:07,880 --> 00:57:09,530 Like, it doesn't even make sense. 1046 00:57:10,720 --> 00:57:13,246 - You just rolled your eyes at me again! - No, I didn't. 1047 00:57:13,320 --> 00:57:15,288 Yes, you did. I have it on tape. 1048 00:57:15,360 --> 00:57:16,771 Check this out. Look at this. 1049 00:57:18,960 --> 00:57:21,850 Oh, what's she doing? She's rolling her eye. Look at that. 1050 00:57:22,800 --> 00:57:24,962 - How did you do that? - Come on, you, with me, now. 1051 00:57:25,040 --> 00:57:26,087 But... 1052 00:57:26,160 --> 00:57:28,401 Teach you a little lesson about rolling your eyes. Come on. 1053 00:57:32,840 --> 00:57:33,841 Oh. 1054 00:57:35,000 --> 00:57:37,321 Now, do you know why I'm gonna punish you? 1055 00:57:37,560 --> 00:57:40,040 Because you're a sicko who likes abusing women. 1056 00:57:40,360 --> 00:57:43,569 While there may be some truth to that, that's not the reason. 1057 00:57:44,320 --> 00:57:46,004 Because I rolled my eyes. 1058 00:57:46,080 --> 00:57:47,161 Bingo. 1059 00:57:49,720 --> 00:57:50,721 Oh! 1060 00:57:53,400 --> 00:57:57,883 This is gonna hurt you a whole lot more than it's gonna hurt me. 1061 00:58:01,240 --> 00:58:04,084 Ha! 1062 00:58:04,280 --> 00:58:06,487 Welcome to my world. 1063 00:58:07,480 --> 00:58:10,165 Oh, God! Fuck! 1064 00:58:10,720 --> 00:58:12,882 Ooh, that hurt! Oh! 1065 00:58:13,240 --> 00:58:14,446 Did you do it? 1066 00:58:14,560 --> 00:58:16,927 Ow. 1067 00:58:17,200 --> 00:58:19,851 Okay, 15 across, "winter beverage." 1068 00:58:19,920 --> 00:58:22,082 Nothing? You don't feel nothing? 1069 00:58:22,960 --> 00:58:24,246 I love knitting. 1070 00:58:30,560 --> 00:58:33,609 Are you gonna spank me? All this build-up is getting boring. 1071 00:58:33,680 --> 00:58:35,364 Okay, okay, you wanna play? 1072 00:58:35,440 --> 00:58:37,044 Oh, I got something for you. 1073 00:58:37,120 --> 00:58:38,246 Excuse me. 1074 00:58:40,760 --> 00:58:44,162 Enough of your games. It's about to get real dark in here. 1075 00:58:44,240 --> 00:58:45,321 Sure. 1076 00:58:47,720 --> 00:58:49,370 Are you gonna find something that actually works? 1077 00:58:49,440 --> 00:58:52,091 Big brother almighty! 1078 00:58:52,280 --> 00:58:53,520 Whoo! 1079 00:58:56,560 --> 00:58:58,528 That was my sorority paddle! 1080 00:58:58,960 --> 00:59:00,166 Oh! 1081 00:59:00,640 --> 00:59:02,244 You know, Hannah, 1082 00:59:03,440 --> 00:59:05,204 I didn't wanna have to do this to you, 1083 00:59:05,800 --> 00:59:07,723 but you've been a naughty girl. 1084 00:59:12,120 --> 00:59:14,043 Did you break my fucking stool? 1085 00:59:14,640 --> 00:59:15,687 No. 1086 00:59:17,360 --> 00:59:19,328 I think I'm pretty good at this. 1087 00:59:23,480 --> 00:59:24,481 Oh... 1088 00:59:24,560 --> 00:59:26,722 I don't... I don't understand. 1089 00:59:26,800 --> 00:59:29,929 I fucking hit you with everything. I don't get it. 1090 00:59:30,000 --> 00:59:31,126 Don't feel bad. 1091 00:59:31,200 --> 00:59:33,961 I haven't really felt anything down there since I got my butt implants. 1092 00:59:34,040 --> 00:59:37,408 I'll just... I'll see you back at my place tomorrow. Yeah. 1093 00:59:55,640 --> 00:59:58,849 When you're in this room, you do as I say. 1094 01:00:00,200 --> 01:00:02,362 - Is that understood? - Yes. 1095 01:00:02,440 --> 01:00:04,408 - Yes, who? - Yes, sir. 1096 01:00:04,560 --> 01:00:05,721 Good girl. 1097 01:00:07,560 --> 01:00:08,891 Hands up. 1098 01:00:23,240 --> 01:00:25,686 Turn around. On your knees. 1099 01:00:26,560 --> 01:00:27,800 Stay. 1100 01:00:37,520 --> 01:00:38,521 Don't look at me! 1101 01:00:52,720 --> 01:00:54,324 Raise your hand. 1102 01:01:10,720 --> 01:01:11,767 Did that hurt? 1103 01:01:11,840 --> 01:01:13,001 No. 1104 01:01:13,600 --> 01:01:18,447 Sometimes the pain is in your mind. 1105 01:01:35,520 --> 01:01:38,205 God damn it! Motherfuck! 1106 01:01:38,440 --> 01:01:42,161 And sometimes the pain is not in your mind! 1107 01:01:47,480 --> 01:01:48,720 Jerk! 1108 01:01:52,560 --> 01:01:55,928 I have a very important question to ask you, Ms. Steale. 1109 01:01:56,760 --> 01:01:58,762 - Where is bin Laden? - What? 1110 01:01:59,080 --> 01:02:03,483 Where is bin Laden? When was the last time you saw bin Laden? 1111 01:02:03,560 --> 01:02:05,688 Where is he? 1112 01:02:05,760 --> 01:02:07,569 I don't know! 1113 01:02:07,640 --> 01:02:09,961 He's been dead for five years! 1114 01:02:10,080 --> 01:02:11,923 I don't keep up on current events! 1115 01:02:17,640 --> 01:02:20,120 And now the real torture begins. 1116 01:02:21,920 --> 01:02:22,921 Where were we? 1117 01:02:26,080 --> 01:02:28,321 I can't remember the safe word. 1118 01:02:28,800 --> 01:02:30,370 Chapter 23. 1119 01:02:32,640 --> 01:02:35,803 "It was a cold, gloomy day in Seattle." 1120 01:02:36,160 --> 01:02:40,085 Oh, God, this book is 50 shades of fucking terrible. 1121 01:02:41,480 --> 01:02:43,369 Who wrote this, a third-grader? 1122 01:02:43,480 --> 01:02:46,006 Please go back to the water-torture thing! 1123 01:02:52,080 --> 01:02:53,889 - What's the safe word? - Stop it! 1124 01:02:53,960 --> 01:02:55,246 What's your safe word? 1125 01:02:55,320 --> 01:02:56,526 I don't know. 1126 01:02:57,200 --> 01:02:59,646 Please just... Are you gonna let me down now? 1127 01:02:59,720 --> 01:03:01,131 Yes, Ms. Steale. 1128 01:03:04,280 --> 01:03:07,489 If I could just find these keys. 1129 01:03:08,120 --> 01:03:11,124 You didn't see the keys... No, I know where they are. I just... 1130 01:03:11,200 --> 01:03:13,441 God, my arms are really starting to hurt. 1131 01:03:13,640 --> 01:03:15,005 I got an idea. 1132 01:03:15,800 --> 01:03:18,531 See, most people use a universal lock key in their sex dungeons 1133 01:03:18,600 --> 01:03:19,965 for reasons just like this. Hmm. 1134 01:03:20,040 --> 01:03:22,407 But what you got here is an over-molded swivel key. 1135 01:03:22,480 --> 01:03:23,641 All right, that's a custom job. 1136 01:03:23,720 --> 01:03:25,807 You're gonna need somebody else to take a look at this. 1137 01:03:25,880 --> 01:03:27,609 Yeah, I don't know what to tell you. 1138 01:03:27,720 --> 01:03:30,841 Next time, I'd put one of those tracker app things on the key so you don't lose it. 1139 01:03:30,920 --> 01:03:32,684 - What are they called? - Oh, I know the name. 1140 01:03:32,760 --> 01:03:35,366 It's on the tip of my tongue. It starts with a "T." 1141 01:03:35,440 --> 01:03:36,771 - Ta... - Maybe Ten? 1142 01:03:36,840 --> 01:03:38,171 Telepathy? 1143 01:03:38,240 --> 01:03:40,971 Hey, dipshits, it's called a Tile. 1144 01:03:41,080 --> 01:03:42,809 Tile! 1145 01:03:42,920 --> 01:03:44,001 Holy shit, you're good! 1146 01:03:44,080 --> 01:03:46,201 - You went to college! - Hell yeah! 1147 01:03:46,280 --> 01:03:47,611 Come on! 1148 01:03:47,680 --> 01:03:50,729 I've picked a lot of locks in my day, but I've never seen anything like this. 1149 01:03:50,800 --> 01:03:52,848 - Man, it's impressive. - Thank you. 1150 01:03:52,920 --> 01:03:55,446 Yeah. I got nothing. Who's next? 1151 01:03:55,560 --> 01:03:58,131 Who's next? What are you guys, Ocean's Eleven? 1152 01:03:58,200 --> 01:04:00,009 How many more fuckups are you gonna bring in here? 1153 01:04:00,840 --> 01:04:02,285 - Stand back! - Oh. 1154 01:04:03,160 --> 01:04:05,845 On the count of three, the Great Mysterio 1155 01:04:05,920 --> 01:04:08,764 shall command these shackles unlocked! 1156 01:04:09,000 --> 01:04:11,367 One! Do not divert your gaze. 1157 01:04:11,440 --> 01:04:13,602 Two! Illusion! 1158 01:04:13,960 --> 01:04:16,122 Three! Mysterio! 1159 01:04:16,400 --> 01:04:17,731 - Thank you. - Um... 1160 01:04:17,880 --> 01:04:18,881 Uh... 1161 01:04:19,000 --> 01:04:20,729 Yeah, that didn't work. All the locks are still there. 1162 01:04:20,800 --> 01:04:22,404 Nothing happened! 1163 01:04:22,480 --> 01:04:24,244 Oh. I got nothing, guys. 1164 01:04:24,360 --> 01:04:25,646 Jesus Christ. 1165 01:04:25,720 --> 01:04:29,770 Oh, speaking of disappearing, I have a bar mitzvah in one hour. Mysterio! 1166 01:04:31,720 --> 01:04:34,087 - Oh, damn! - Oh, my God. 1167 01:04:41,720 --> 01:04:43,848 This was not in the contract! 1168 01:04:49,000 --> 01:04:50,490 Where we going? 1169 01:04:51,120 --> 01:04:53,566 To my parents' house for dinner. 1170 01:04:54,320 --> 01:04:56,482 - You look lovely. - Thank you. 1171 01:04:59,840 --> 01:05:01,569 Where'd you learn to dance? 1172 01:05:01,640 --> 01:05:03,483 At this little club in Tampa. 1173 01:05:27,680 --> 01:05:28,681 Dance! 1174 01:05:38,840 --> 01:05:40,046 Yeah! 1175 01:05:41,840 --> 01:05:43,285 Ooh, wow. 1176 01:05:47,440 --> 01:05:48,441 Ah! Fuck! 1177 01:06:23,720 --> 01:06:24,721 What's that? 1178 01:07:27,880 --> 01:07:29,962 Oh, my God, he's got a baby dick! 1179 01:07:34,320 --> 01:07:37,927 It's just the lighting! It's bad lighting! It's creating shadow! 1180 01:07:44,760 --> 01:07:47,843 It's not little! You're just little people! 1181 01:07:52,560 --> 01:07:53,846 Hi. 1182 01:07:53,920 --> 01:07:55,126 Oh, you made it. 1183 01:07:55,600 --> 01:07:57,682 Hannah! It's so good to see you. 1184 01:07:58,000 --> 01:07:59,047 Hi. 1185 01:07:59,120 --> 01:08:00,804 Hannah, this is my dad, Gary. 1186 01:08:01,520 --> 01:08:03,966 Are we ever happy to meet you, Hannah. 1187 01:08:04,160 --> 01:08:05,491 - Really? - Oh, yes. 1188 01:08:05,800 --> 01:08:08,041 I was sure that Christian was gay. 1189 01:08:08,640 --> 01:08:11,610 He's well-groomed, loves Lady Gaga. 1190 01:08:11,880 --> 01:08:14,247 Can't take his eyes off of Anderson Cooper. 1191 01:08:14,360 --> 01:08:16,931 What kind of Republican watches CNN? 1192 01:08:17,040 --> 01:08:19,771 Hi! I'm Mai! 1193 01:08:19,840 --> 01:08:21,365 It's so nice to meet you! 1194 01:08:21,640 --> 01:08:23,688 I can't believe you're a Republican. 1195 01:08:23,760 --> 01:08:26,411 That's his deep, dark secret. 1196 01:08:26,480 --> 01:08:28,050 Shall we? 1197 01:08:29,520 --> 01:08:31,363 - I can't believe you're a Republican. - Sorry. 1198 01:08:31,520 --> 01:08:32,521 Ah... 1199 01:08:34,040 --> 01:08:35,644 Mrs. Black, this food looks amazing. 1200 01:08:35,720 --> 01:08:37,290 Oh, thank you, Hannah. 1201 01:08:37,360 --> 01:08:38,441 Well, it was important to me 1202 01:08:38,520 --> 01:08:42,445 that our adopted children were exposed to their native cultures. 1203 01:08:42,520 --> 01:08:45,763 So, for Eli, I have prepared Balangu. 1204 01:08:46,000 --> 01:08:48,048 It's a spicy goat dish from Nigeria. 1205 01:08:48,560 --> 01:08:50,801 And for Mai, of course, we have Peking Duck 1206 01:08:50,880 --> 01:08:52,848 from the Mandarin province of China. 1207 01:08:53,040 --> 01:08:54,201 I'm Korean! 1208 01:08:54,280 --> 01:08:55,441 Don't be fresh, Mai! 1209 01:08:55,920 --> 01:08:58,400 There are billions of starving Chinese children 1210 01:08:58,480 --> 01:09:00,847 who need their energy to make sneakers for Nike, 1211 01:09:00,920 --> 01:09:03,605 and they would kill for this meal. 1212 01:09:03,680 --> 01:09:07,127 For Christian, of course, we have fried chicken and Kool-Aid. 1213 01:09:07,320 --> 01:09:10,290 It's a very popular dish in Detroit, Michigan. 1214 01:09:10,360 --> 01:09:13,284 And your favorite, of course, hot sauce! 1215 01:09:13,360 --> 01:09:14,771 Oh, Mom. 1216 01:09:16,960 --> 01:09:19,281 So, Hannah, are you interested in having children? 1217 01:09:20,600 --> 01:09:23,331 Yes, I would, if I met the right person. 1218 01:09:23,680 --> 01:09:28,925 Oh, you have no idea what joy we have had from having our kids. 1219 01:09:29,360 --> 01:09:31,362 Mai's the one that I worried about the most. 1220 01:09:31,440 --> 01:09:33,886 I mean, she was so sweet. 1221 01:09:33,960 --> 01:09:38,090 I mean, it seemed almost inevitable that she'd grow up one day and run off with Gary. 1222 01:09:38,280 --> 01:09:40,123 Like that little director fellow, you know, 1223 01:09:40,200 --> 01:09:41,690 the one that married Mia Farrow? 1224 01:09:42,080 --> 01:09:44,606 Oh, sweetheart, please stop. She's our daughter. 1225 01:09:44,680 --> 01:09:46,569 She's a hot little number, though. 1226 01:09:48,680 --> 01:09:50,648 Hannah, I would really recommend 1227 01:09:50,720 --> 01:09:53,291 adopting underprivileged children. 1228 01:09:53,440 --> 01:09:57,445 Wow, that's really just so sweet of you, Mrs. Black. 1229 01:09:57,640 --> 01:10:00,371 It is a great conversation starter at charities, 1230 01:10:00,440 --> 01:10:02,761 it helps your social standing... 1231 01:10:02,840 --> 01:10:03,841 Give it to me. 1232 01:10:03,960 --> 01:10:07,250 ...and your vag doesn't get stretched out like an elastic band at Cirque du Soleil. 1233 01:10:07,320 --> 01:10:09,004 Okay, Mom. Mom, please. 1234 01:10:09,120 --> 01:10:11,566 There was just nothing I wouldn't do for my children. 1235 01:10:11,640 --> 01:10:13,722 I even learned to speak Mandarin for Mai. 1236 01:10:22,960 --> 01:10:24,450 That's not even a real language. 1237 01:10:24,920 --> 01:10:26,251 Hit that bottom! 1238 01:10:26,720 --> 01:10:28,688 Hannah, where is your family from? 1239 01:10:28,760 --> 01:10:29,761 Oh... 1240 01:10:29,840 --> 01:10:31,604 My mom lives in Georgia. 1241 01:10:31,920 --> 01:10:33,445 Oh, Atlanta! 1242 01:10:33,880 --> 01:10:36,121 Oh, then your mom must be a stripper. 1243 01:10:36,320 --> 01:10:38,322 She actually lives in Savannah, 1244 01:10:38,440 --> 01:10:40,090 and she's just a housewife. 1245 01:10:40,240 --> 01:10:42,368 Sure she is, dear. 1246 01:10:42,440 --> 01:10:45,125 I'm gonna go and visit her, actually, in a few days. 1247 01:10:46,320 --> 01:10:47,924 Drinks anyone? Drinkies? 1248 01:10:48,000 --> 01:10:50,082 - I'll have two. - I'd love to, Mom, 1249 01:10:50,160 --> 01:10:52,640 but I promised Hannah I'd show her the estate. 1250 01:10:52,720 --> 01:10:54,210 Home stretch! Yes! 1251 01:10:54,280 --> 01:10:55,566 Excuse us, please. 1252 01:10:56,160 --> 01:10:57,446 It's grocery time. 1253 01:10:58,800 --> 01:11:01,451 It's like I'm on air right now! 1254 01:11:03,000 --> 01:11:04,286 How come you didn't tell me about her? 1255 01:11:04,360 --> 01:11:05,521 Who, my mom? 1256 01:11:05,640 --> 01:11:07,244 My God, she has a nickname? 1257 01:11:09,840 --> 01:11:10,966 Do you love her? 1258 01:11:11,040 --> 01:11:12,724 Of course, she's my mother. 1259 01:11:12,800 --> 01:11:15,724 God, how long has this been going on? 1260 01:11:15,800 --> 01:11:17,325 Since birth. 1261 01:11:17,400 --> 01:11:19,289 Oh, come on, I can't compete with that! 1262 01:11:19,360 --> 01:11:20,725 Hey, you don't have to compete with it! 1263 01:11:20,800 --> 01:11:22,370 You're my boyfriend, she's my mom. 1264 01:11:22,440 --> 01:11:23,726 They're two totally different relationships! 1265 01:11:23,840 --> 01:11:26,571 No, they're not! Okay, Hannah, you're mine, okay? 1266 01:11:26,640 --> 01:11:30,406 There's no mother, no brother, no cousins, no second cousin removed, 1267 01:11:30,520 --> 01:11:32,727 no friends that you call cousin 'cause your parents are close! 1268 01:11:32,840 --> 01:11:35,320 - There's none of that. - No play cousins? 1269 01:11:35,400 --> 01:11:36,970 No play cousins. 1270 01:11:37,040 --> 01:11:38,610 Christian, what do you want? 1271 01:11:38,680 --> 01:11:41,047 I want Kevin Hart not to be in every movie! 1272 01:11:41,120 --> 01:11:42,645 Why? He's hilarious. 1273 01:11:42,720 --> 01:11:44,051 Come on, there's other black actors! 1274 01:11:44,120 --> 01:11:46,009 - How about them? - Like who? 1275 01:11:46,160 --> 01:11:48,049 It could've been Sam Jackson in Ride Along. 1276 01:11:48,120 --> 01:11:50,407 Who knows what kind of crazy wig he would have been wearing? 1277 01:11:50,520 --> 01:11:51,931 I thought you wanted me! 1278 01:11:52,000 --> 01:11:53,331 What do you want, love letters? 1279 01:11:53,400 --> 01:11:55,801 - Hickies? Edible Arrangements? - Mmm. 1280 01:11:55,880 --> 01:11:58,611 You know, that's not even real flowers. It's fucking fruit. 1281 01:11:58,680 --> 01:11:59,761 Yeah, but it's delicious. 1282 01:12:00,720 --> 01:12:02,484 And it's a start, okay? 1283 01:12:02,560 --> 01:12:05,882 And maybe we could advance to a Tiffany's engagement ring, 1284 01:12:05,960 --> 01:12:08,531 and a wedding where we invite 500 of our closest friends, 1285 01:12:08,600 --> 01:12:10,921 and then we have seven kids, and we live in a big house... 1286 01:12:11,000 --> 01:12:15,324 Whoa. You had this whole thing planned out, huh? 1287 01:12:15,400 --> 01:12:17,721 You know, is it me or is it hot in here? Shit. 1288 01:12:17,800 --> 01:12:19,848 You want me to be somebody that I'm not. 1289 01:12:19,920 --> 01:12:21,922 No, no, it's not me that's changing you. 1290 01:12:22,000 --> 01:12:23,650 It's you that's changing me! 1291 01:12:23,720 --> 01:12:25,370 Wait a minute. 1292 01:12:25,440 --> 01:12:27,283 That's a line from the movie Radio. 1293 01:12:28,080 --> 01:12:29,161 No, it's not. 1294 01:12:29,280 --> 01:12:31,123 Yeah, yeah, the movie with Cuba Gooding, Jr., 1295 01:12:31,240 --> 01:12:33,925 where he played this mentally disabled athlete. 1296 01:12:34,000 --> 01:12:35,923 "It's not us that's teaching Radio, 1297 01:12:36,000 --> 01:12:37,809 "it's Radio that's teaching us." 1298 01:12:37,880 --> 01:12:39,211 Nah, mine is way different. 1299 01:12:39,280 --> 01:12:40,645 It's the same premise. 1300 01:12:41,360 --> 01:12:42,521 You complete me? 1301 01:12:42,960 --> 01:12:45,167 Jerry Maguire, also starring Cuba Gooding, Jr. 1302 01:12:45,240 --> 01:12:48,164 I don't understand your whole fixation on him. 1303 01:12:48,240 --> 01:12:51,608 You know, all this time I thought I wasn't in the right place, 1304 01:12:51,840 --> 01:12:53,251 but I was! 1305 01:12:54,040 --> 01:12:55,530 That's Snow Dogs. 1306 01:12:55,640 --> 01:12:57,005 God damn it! 1307 01:12:57,080 --> 01:12:59,242 I gotta stop binging on Netflix. 1308 01:12:59,880 --> 01:13:00,927 Hannah! 1309 01:13:20,160 --> 01:13:22,527 That song sounds so sad. 1310 01:13:22,600 --> 01:13:25,285 Not as sad as Luther Vandross' Dance With My Father. 1311 01:13:25,360 --> 01:13:27,647 Oh, God, that song tears me up. 1312 01:13:28,880 --> 01:13:32,327 Every time I hear it, I just wanna go, "Where's my daddy?" 1313 01:13:32,640 --> 01:13:34,688 Christian, we have to talk. 1314 01:13:35,400 --> 01:13:37,084 You mean like white people? 1315 01:13:37,160 --> 01:13:38,605 What's wrong with that? 1316 01:13:39,160 --> 01:13:41,208 Well, they just talk a lot, you know? 1317 01:13:41,280 --> 01:13:42,884 They do it differently than black people do it. 1318 01:13:43,080 --> 01:13:45,321 White people don't like to argue, they like to discuss. 1319 01:13:45,520 --> 01:13:48,729 Then they start throwing around all these big SAT words 1320 01:13:48,800 --> 01:13:50,450 and putting a lot of emotional guilt on each other. 1321 01:13:50,520 --> 01:13:52,443 It's just too much to deal with. 1322 01:13:52,520 --> 01:13:55,000 I like it the black way, you know, where we curse each other out, 1323 01:13:55,080 --> 01:13:57,242 we may fight, and then we get cool again, 1324 01:13:57,320 --> 01:13:59,448 but we talk about each other behind each other's back, like, 1325 01:13:59,520 --> 01:14:00,760 "Oh, nah, I ain't fucking with that bitch." 1326 01:14:00,840 --> 01:14:01,966 But what you not gonna do... 1327 01:14:02,120 --> 01:14:03,770 - But what you not gonna do... - You not gonna do... 1328 01:14:03,840 --> 01:14:04,841 - You not about to "not" me! - Uh-uh... 1329 01:14:05,120 --> 01:14:06,929 Don't let me get to clappin', boo. 1330 01:14:07,000 --> 01:14:08,001 Oh, hell no. 1331 01:14:08,080 --> 01:14:10,208 See, that's... That's communication. 1332 01:14:10,280 --> 01:14:11,441 I feel better already. 1333 01:14:13,840 --> 01:14:15,569 - Christian. - Hey! 1334 01:14:23,720 --> 01:14:25,404 You're not upset because I haven't signed 1335 01:14:25,520 --> 01:14:26,931 the contract yet, are you? 1336 01:14:27,040 --> 01:14:29,884 I mean, it's not even legally enforceable. You know that, right? 1337 01:14:30,000 --> 01:14:33,049 What's important here are the rules. 1338 01:14:33,120 --> 01:14:35,566 And if you break them, you should be punished. 1339 01:14:35,680 --> 01:14:37,045 How are you gonna punish me? 1340 01:14:37,160 --> 01:14:38,491 First off, you'll get grounded. 1341 01:14:38,560 --> 01:14:40,403 I'll make you stand in the corner for an hour. 1342 01:14:40,600 --> 01:14:42,329 And then I will send you to your room 1343 01:14:42,400 --> 01:14:44,402 without no supper, young lady. 1344 01:14:44,840 --> 01:14:47,844 Christian, this is crazy. Why do you need to punish me? 1345 01:14:47,960 --> 01:14:50,327 Because I'm 51 shades of fucked up! 1346 01:14:51,560 --> 01:14:54,928 You know I'm five-four seconds from wildin'. 1347 01:14:55,000 --> 01:14:57,526 I got three fillets for fryin'. 1348 01:14:57,960 --> 01:15:01,726 I got 99 problems, but now a bitch is one! 1349 01:15:01,920 --> 01:15:03,888 That's 100 problems, Hannah! 1350 01:15:05,920 --> 01:15:08,526 I can only deal with so much. 99's fine. 1351 01:15:08,600 --> 01:15:11,843 A hundred jus... I can't even count that far. 1352 01:15:12,760 --> 01:15:13,921 Okay. 1353 01:15:15,400 --> 01:15:16,811 Then you show me the worst. 1354 01:15:17,400 --> 01:15:19,209 I wanna see how bad it can get. 1355 01:15:19,480 --> 01:15:21,209 No more of this pussy-ass punishment 1356 01:15:21,280 --> 01:15:22,725 you've been doling out thus far. 1357 01:15:22,800 --> 01:15:24,245 I wanna go all the way. 1358 01:15:26,400 --> 01:15:29,210 Is that something that you think you can do? 1359 01:15:29,560 --> 01:15:30,800 Thank you. 1360 01:15:33,280 --> 01:15:34,441 Yes. 1361 01:15:35,600 --> 01:15:37,409 Bend over. 1362 01:15:43,000 --> 01:15:44,001 Hmm. 1363 01:15:46,880 --> 01:15:47,881 Mmm-mmm. 1364 01:15:50,520 --> 01:15:51,521 Hmm. 1365 01:15:54,720 --> 01:15:55,801 Aha. 1366 01:15:59,440 --> 01:16:03,604 Nothin' says ass-whuppin' like good ol' Joe Jackson. 1367 01:16:05,200 --> 01:16:06,611 Hannah... 1368 01:16:07,680 --> 01:16:10,809 I'm gonna spank you six times. 1369 01:16:12,520 --> 01:16:15,285 I need you to count with me. 1370 01:16:21,200 --> 01:16:23,248 God damn it, motherfucker! 1371 01:16:23,360 --> 01:16:25,522 I said count with me! 1372 01:16:27,360 --> 01:16:29,408 One! Two! 1373 01:16:30,320 --> 01:16:34,484 Jesus! It hurts so bad I can't keep count! Where were we? 1374 01:16:34,680 --> 01:16:35,647 I don't know! 1375 01:16:35,720 --> 01:16:37,404 God damn it, Hannah! 1376 01:16:37,480 --> 01:16:39,482 I don't know how to count, okay? 1377 01:16:39,560 --> 01:16:41,244 My crackhead mother never taught me. 1378 01:16:42,360 --> 01:16:44,761 How about this? Let's try in Spanish. 1379 01:16:44,960 --> 01:16:46,291 - Spanish? - Si. 1380 01:16:48,320 --> 01:16:51,688 Tres. Cuatro. 1381 01:16:52,040 --> 01:16:56,090 I'm not too sure, but I think cinco comes after tres. 1382 01:16:56,280 --> 01:16:59,124 Are you kidding me? Cuatro comes after tres. 1383 01:16:59,360 --> 01:17:01,886 Well, don't get mad at me. I don't know Spanish. 1384 01:17:01,960 --> 01:17:05,801 Look, my crackhead mother never taught me how to count or how to speak Spanish. 1385 01:17:06,000 --> 01:17:08,048 - Now we gotta start from scratch! - No! 1386 01:17:17,920 --> 01:17:18,967 Whoo! 1387 01:17:22,240 --> 01:17:25,881 I am tired. Oh, God, that is exhausting. 1388 01:17:26,360 --> 01:17:28,442 Oh, I'm gonna be sore tomorrow. 1389 01:17:29,040 --> 01:17:31,884 Oh. Come on, let's get you up. 1390 01:17:32,600 --> 01:17:34,284 Don't touch me! 1391 01:17:34,760 --> 01:17:35,921 Hey! 1392 01:17:36,400 --> 01:17:38,926 Does it make you happy to see me like this? 1393 01:17:39,200 --> 01:17:42,522 I mean, not really. You look like a sad Gollum. 1394 01:17:42,600 --> 01:17:45,888 Like you's all bent over, and you're crying. You look a little crazy. 1395 01:17:46,520 --> 01:17:47,851 Come on, don't hate me. 1396 01:17:47,920 --> 01:17:49,046 Hate you? 1397 01:17:49,400 --> 01:17:51,129 I loathe you. 1398 01:17:51,400 --> 01:17:54,449 Whoa. That's a thesaurus word right there. 1399 01:17:54,920 --> 01:17:57,082 I hate you the way black people hate cops. 1400 01:17:57,240 --> 01:17:58,241 Wow. 1401 01:17:58,360 --> 01:18:01,523 I hate you the way Republicans hate ObamaCare! 1402 01:18:01,600 --> 01:18:02,840 Baby, come on now. 1403 01:18:03,000 --> 01:18:07,608 I hate you the way Kanye West hates everybody else! 1404 01:18:07,760 --> 01:18:09,808 Well, I'm kind of with him on Taylor Swift. 1405 01:18:09,920 --> 01:18:11,524 What is that bitch singing about? 1406 01:18:11,840 --> 01:18:14,525 You will never do that to me again. 1407 01:18:14,600 --> 01:18:16,204 You said it was cool. 1408 01:18:16,360 --> 01:18:20,001 I know niggas, grimy niggas who do not value themselves, 1409 01:18:20,160 --> 01:18:22,162 and they will have no problem coming down here 1410 01:18:22,240 --> 01:18:23,651 to fuck your little ass up! 1411 01:18:23,760 --> 01:18:26,525 - Whoa. Slow it up now. - Just one "Cuckoo!" 1412 01:18:27,040 --> 01:18:29,281 And they will swoop down on you 1413 01:18:29,360 --> 01:18:32,045 like pigeons on old garlic bread! 1414 01:18:32,360 --> 01:18:34,408 You can't be cuckooin' on this mo'fuck! 1415 01:18:34,520 --> 01:18:36,807 You gotta calm them niggas down. 1416 01:18:37,000 --> 01:18:38,490 You know what? 1417 01:18:40,640 --> 01:18:42,165 Let's try something else. 1418 01:18:43,800 --> 01:18:46,246 Aw, this is cute. I get it, a little role-play. 1419 01:18:46,320 --> 01:18:47,401 It's cute. 1420 01:18:47,480 --> 01:18:49,130 Handcuffs. All right. 1421 01:18:49,200 --> 01:18:51,328 You thought you were gonna do this shit to me? 1422 01:18:51,480 --> 01:18:53,482 You messed with the wrong bitch. 1423 01:18:53,560 --> 01:18:55,005 You sound angry. 1424 01:18:55,200 --> 01:18:59,569 This is for Kerry Washington from De-jango Unchained! 1425 01:18:59,640 --> 01:19:04,089 It's fucking... That is Django! The "D" is silent! 1426 01:19:04,160 --> 01:19:08,768 This is for Lupita Nyong'o in 12 Years a Slave! 1427 01:19:10,040 --> 01:19:13,601 God damn it! It stings so bad! 1428 01:19:13,680 --> 01:19:15,603 All she wanted was some soap! 1429 01:19:16,840 --> 01:19:19,241 Even the antibacterial soap! 1430 01:19:19,320 --> 01:19:21,243 This is for Denzel Washington. 1431 01:19:21,360 --> 01:19:22,964 Wait, he's not even a woman. 1432 01:19:23,040 --> 01:19:24,280 You're just getting crazy. 1433 01:19:24,360 --> 01:19:26,169 But they made him cry in Glory. 1434 01:19:27,520 --> 01:19:29,284 Who makes Denzel Washington cry? Nobody! 1435 01:19:29,360 --> 01:19:30,407 You talkin' 'bout like this? 1436 01:19:30,480 --> 01:19:32,482 See, look, I have a Glory tear. 1437 01:19:32,560 --> 01:19:36,207 If it wasn't for Denzel Washington, Flight would've been a fucking Soul Plane! 1438 01:19:36,320 --> 01:19:37,970 Shit! 1439 01:19:38,040 --> 01:19:40,202 Why the fuck did they make Soul Plane anyway? 1440 01:19:41,400 --> 01:19:45,200 And this is for the little white girl in Fifty Shades of Grey! 1441 01:19:46,880 --> 01:19:48,723 Johnson. Dakota Johnson. 1442 01:19:48,880 --> 01:19:51,008 She had to be naked the whole fucking movie! 1443 01:19:51,080 --> 01:19:52,366 That shit was just gratuitous! 1444 01:19:53,640 --> 01:19:55,404 Whoo! Ah! 1445 01:19:56,720 --> 01:20:00,566 It burns! It burns! It feels like someone lit a... 1446 01:20:00,720 --> 01:20:03,405 My ass on fire! Oh, God, it hurts! 1447 01:20:04,720 --> 01:20:05,960 We done? 1448 01:20:06,040 --> 01:20:09,487 Oh, no, nigga. No, we not finished yet! 1449 01:20:09,560 --> 01:20:12,404 We not finished with you yet, nigga! 1450 01:20:12,600 --> 01:20:13,806 What? Where you goin' with this? 1451 01:20:13,880 --> 01:20:16,406 I'm about to get medieval on your ass. 1452 01:20:17,120 --> 01:20:19,407 Welcome to my world, motherfucker. 1453 01:20:24,400 --> 01:20:26,084 Oh, God! 1454 01:20:29,920 --> 01:20:31,684 Oh, God! 1455 01:20:33,760 --> 01:20:36,923 This hurts so much. 1456 01:20:37,120 --> 01:20:38,770 I wish I'd died. 1457 01:20:40,120 --> 01:20:42,521 Don't touch it! Don't touch it! 1458 01:20:42,600 --> 01:20:44,489 Oh, it's tickling. 1459 01:20:44,920 --> 01:20:47,048 Christian, I thought you'd like it. 1460 01:20:47,120 --> 01:20:48,645 What's there to like! 1461 01:20:49,000 --> 01:20:54,803 What kind of sick pervert beats you for their own enjoyment? 1462 01:20:55,600 --> 01:20:59,366 Christian, you don't want somebody like me. 1463 01:21:00,360 --> 01:21:01,964 You're exactly what I want. 1464 01:21:03,160 --> 01:21:06,369 A broke college graduate with a liberal arts degree 1465 01:21:06,600 --> 01:21:08,602 and no future prospects. 1466 01:21:10,960 --> 01:21:12,450 It's exactly what I want. 1467 01:21:13,160 --> 01:21:16,289 Christian, I've fallen head over heels in love with you. 1468 01:21:16,640 --> 01:21:18,768 Uh... Whoa! 1469 01:21:18,840 --> 01:21:22,640 Slow it up. That is not in the contract. 1470 01:21:22,720 --> 01:21:25,883 Like, it specifically says, and I quote, 1471 01:21:25,960 --> 01:21:28,247 "Bitch don't love a nigga." 1472 01:21:28,640 --> 01:21:30,722 Okay? And I double-bolded that. 1473 01:21:30,800 --> 01:21:33,485 I knew I should have had you sign this contract. 1474 01:21:34,400 --> 01:21:37,483 Christian, I think it'd be best if you leave. 1475 01:21:37,960 --> 01:21:39,564 Get out! 1476 01:21:39,640 --> 01:21:42,120 Fine, you want me to leave? You want me to leave? Fine, I will leave! 1477 01:21:42,200 --> 01:21:43,850 Okay? Wait, time-out. 1478 01:21:44,080 --> 01:21:45,081 Um... 1479 01:21:45,160 --> 01:21:46,924 I live here. 1480 01:21:47,000 --> 01:21:49,321 Shouldn't you be the one leaving? Am I wrong? 1481 01:21:50,680 --> 01:21:52,921 Take an umbrella 'cause... 1482 01:21:53,000 --> 01:21:54,525 Bitch, it's raining. 1483 01:21:59,200 --> 01:22:00,406 I need my car back. 1484 01:22:00,480 --> 01:22:02,130 I already sold that piece of shit. 1485 01:22:02,200 --> 01:22:03,406 I'll send you a check for $37. 1486 01:22:03,520 --> 01:22:05,090 That is way below Blue Book! 1487 01:22:08,680 --> 01:22:09,681 Hannah! 1488 01:22:09,760 --> 01:22:11,524 Christian, you have to let me go. 1489 01:22:11,920 --> 01:22:12,921 Please, listen to me! 1490 01:22:13,000 --> 01:22:14,126 No, you listen to me. 1491 01:22:14,240 --> 01:22:16,846 You'll find someone. Somebody who wants to be open 1492 01:22:16,920 --> 01:22:19,366 to all the demeaning things that you wanna do to them. 1493 01:22:19,520 --> 01:22:20,601 Hannah! 1494 01:22:20,680 --> 01:22:21,681 Christian. 1495 01:22:22,320 --> 01:22:23,321 Ooh. 1496 01:22:23,400 --> 01:22:24,401 Ah! 1497 01:22:24,840 --> 01:22:25,841 God! 1498 01:22:33,400 --> 01:22:37,485 How is he gonna love you? He doesn't even love himself. 1499 01:22:37,560 --> 01:22:41,360 Did you see his haircut, girl? 1500 01:22:41,440 --> 01:22:45,490 How could you think this was gonna end well? 1501 01:22:48,200 --> 01:22:49,725 Never look back. 1502 01:22:55,880 --> 01:22:57,006 Christian. 1503 01:22:57,280 --> 01:22:58,441 Hannah. 1504 01:22:59,720 --> 01:23:02,246 While running down 47 flights of stairs, 1505 01:23:03,080 --> 01:23:04,650 I had plenty of time to think. 1506 01:23:05,640 --> 01:23:09,561 And when I passed out on the 23rd floor, I realized I owed you an apology. 1507 01:23:09,920 --> 01:23:12,526 I just want to say I'm sorry for the way I treated you. 1508 01:23:12,600 --> 01:23:14,364 Especially for the whole waterboarding thing. 1509 01:23:15,000 --> 01:23:17,571 Turns out you were right about bin Laden. 1510 01:23:17,680 --> 01:23:19,921 - Who knew? - Everyone. 1511 01:23:20,000 --> 01:23:21,001 Hmm? 1512 01:23:21,080 --> 01:23:22,320 You hurt me, Christian. 1513 01:23:22,400 --> 01:23:24,687 I know. But I have softer whips. 1514 01:23:24,760 --> 01:23:26,603 You know the kind with the pink fur on it? 1515 01:23:27,400 --> 01:23:28,447 It takes the sting off. 1516 01:23:28,520 --> 01:23:30,124 That's not what I'm talking about. 1517 01:23:30,600 --> 01:23:32,967 - You want romance. - I deserve it. 1518 01:23:33,080 --> 01:23:34,127 Well, what's more romantic 1519 01:23:34,200 --> 01:23:36,168 than running down 47 flights of stairs? 1520 01:23:36,280 --> 01:23:37,520 You know I pulled a hamstring? 1521 01:23:37,800 --> 01:23:39,006 Did you die? 1522 01:23:39,080 --> 01:23:41,686 No, but that's gonna keep me out of the Red Room for at least a week. 1523 01:23:42,320 --> 01:23:43,560 Bye, bitch. 1524 01:23:43,640 --> 01:23:46,041 Okay, okay, okay. Hannah, wait, wait. Hannah! 1525 01:23:46,120 --> 01:23:48,088 No, Christian. You are incapable 1526 01:23:48,160 --> 01:23:49,525 of having a normal relationship. 1527 01:23:49,600 --> 01:23:51,409 I know, but I'm trying, okay? 1528 01:23:51,480 --> 01:23:54,290 I want to be like that old man whose wife has Alzheimer's, 1529 01:23:54,360 --> 01:23:55,521 and he wakes up every day 1530 01:23:55,600 --> 01:23:57,250 and he tells her the story about their lives together. 1531 01:23:57,480 --> 01:23:59,608 And then they take a nap, but they don't wake up. 1532 01:24:00,120 --> 01:24:01,406 Because they're dead. 1533 01:24:01,480 --> 01:24:02,925 That's The Notebook. 1534 01:24:03,000 --> 01:24:05,565 That's the one with Ryan Gosling and the girl with the big-ass forehead? 1535 01:24:05,640 --> 01:24:06,641 Oh. 1536 01:24:07,200 --> 01:24:08,326 He never forgot her. 1537 01:24:08,480 --> 01:24:10,562 You don't even like Nicholas Sparks movies. 1538 01:24:10,800 --> 01:24:12,882 I used to hate them, but now I love 'em. 1539 01:24:13,240 --> 01:24:14,844 Even The Last Song. 1540 01:24:15,800 --> 01:24:17,370 Why was that even a movie? 1541 01:24:17,440 --> 01:24:18,726 You know that wasn't even a book? 1542 01:24:19,040 --> 01:24:21,601 Well, if I'm gonna give you another chance, things have to be different. 1543 01:24:21,680 --> 01:24:23,011 I know. 1544 01:24:23,880 --> 01:24:26,326 I have something very important I wanna tell you. 1545 01:24:27,680 --> 01:24:28,681 I lo... 1546 01:24:30,760 --> 01:24:32,649 I lo... 1547 01:24:34,360 --> 01:24:35,521 I... 1548 01:24:39,160 --> 01:24:42,004 What I'm trying to say is, I love 1549 01:24:43,560 --> 01:24:45,005 Empire. 1550 01:24:45,080 --> 01:24:47,845 That Cookie just says the craziest things. 1551 01:24:48,440 --> 01:24:49,646 Okay. 1552 01:24:51,360 --> 01:24:52,566 I love you. 1553 01:24:53,480 --> 01:24:55,164 I knew you loved me. 1554 01:25:05,560 --> 01:25:07,767 I have one last surprise for you. 1555 01:25:07,880 --> 01:25:10,201 But you're gonna have to pack a bag. 1556 01:25:10,360 --> 01:25:11,771 Are we gonna go on your private jet? 1557 01:25:11,840 --> 01:25:13,205 Oh, my God, what kind of jet is it? 1558 01:25:13,280 --> 01:25:15,760 No, no, no. Don't tell me. I want to be surprised. 1559 01:25:20,680 --> 01:25:21,727 Ah! 1560 01:25:21,800 --> 01:25:25,168 I can't believe you thought I'd take you on a private jet. 1561 01:25:25,240 --> 01:25:27,641 I love you and all, but you don't even have a ring yet. 1561 01:25:28,305 --> 01:25:34,774 Please rate this subtitle at www.osdb.link/chj Help other users to choose the best subtitles 112788