Original subtitles

Hey!

Rise and shine, Princess. It's your big day.

Hope you got your beauty sleep.

Ugh! She did it again.

Please, let me go on a crusade!

Anything's safer than guarding that princess.

All in.

Call.

Two pair.

Not so fast.

Three me's.

That's only two.

One, two, me.

Money's mine.

Not when I got the knife.

Hmm.

See you guys tomorrow.

You've had your fun. Now it's time to get married.

Would Your Highness care to get in?

- Morning, Princess! - Lovely day, miss!

How's it hanging, Princess?

- Sorry I can't make your wedding. - You wanna switch places?

No, I'm good.

- Enjoy your special day. - You, too.

Morning, Princess. Care to try my new cure-all?

It wards off deadly plague.

I'm actually hoping for death. Thanks, though.

Gah! Quit judging me, Dad.

Mmm.

This one needs royaling up. More columns, more frosting.

And neither of these looks like me.

Make them both look like me. Then, get rid of one!

Ugh. Cakes.

Did you make sure to add extra frosting?

Of course, I... Hey! Where were you?

Oh, I understand, darling.

On my wedding day, I also had butterflies in stomach.

I shouldn't have eaten so many.

I just wanted to have a last bit of fun before the happiest day of my life.

Silence! The delegation from Bentwood arrives any moment.

Take off those common clothes and come down looking like a princess!

As you wish, Father.

Anybody looks at her, they get their head chopped off.

Oh, boy, did I look at her!

What?

Great. I have to wear this crazy veil and pretend I'm a virgin?

It's not a veil, ma'am. It's your corset.

See? It pushes all the mincemeat to the top of the pie.

All this wedding hassle for a stupid political alliance?

I thought that I'd get married for true love, or because I was wasted.

Lots of reasons to get married, ma'am.

I got married for a goat.

Now, let's hurry. The prince will be here any minute to marry you

and, time permitting, meet you.

Eh? Huh?

How do I look? Spiffy, right?

I had the dogs lick me clean twice.

Announcing the King and Queen of Bentwood,

Lorenzo the First and Bunny.

Welcome, Your Highnesses.

My new King-and-Queen-in-laws.

Or should I just call you brother and sister?

We are brother and sister. What of it?

And their son-slash-nephew,

hero of the Battle Against That Bird That Flew Into The Room One Time,

groom-to-be, Prince Guysbert of Bentwood.

Va-va-voom!

You never do that for me.

- I hate this feeling. - Sobriety, ma'am?

No, I just feel like my life is ending. I can't even smile.

Don't worry. We'll make your cheeks look nice and rosy.

Whores rouge. Ladies leech.

You ever wish you could live in a place where people are really, truly happy?

Elfo! Kissy! No tummy touching!

Kissy, save your lips for the prepackaged candy assortments.

And, Elfo, it's like you don't appreciate your assembly-line job.

Yeah, uh, it's kinda not the one I wanted.

I'm kinda not always... happy?

But we're singing.

Yeah, singing while you work's not happiness. It's mental illness.

Wha...

Ugh! I'm sick of being happy all the time.

Just once, I wish...

I wish I could go somewhere where people are miserable.

Hmm.

What is going on with this gift?

Open the gates of... I mean, the ribbon.

Princess Tiabeanie,

you are hereby cursed from the deepest depths of the underworld!

Oh! What?

You look great, though. Nice to meet you. They call me Luci.

- Guards! Guards! - Shh! Shh!

A weird ghost guy is attacking and complimenting me.

Shut up! Silenzio!

First up, not a ghost.

Ghosts are losers that got murdered.

- I am a demon. - You're a demon?

That's right. In fact, your personal demon.

Get used to it,

'cause you are stuck with me for all eter...

...nity.

And so the demonic binding begins.

Yes, our emissary will steer her towards the darkness.

It may take months, even years.

So, we'll need chairs.

Dark chairs.

Oh, Elfo, you're so naughty.

Why is everyone always saying that?

Just because I'm not jolly all the time doesn't make me a weirdo.

Hey! Get outta here, Weirdo!

But it's like you do the slightest thing here,

- and everyone freaks out. - Mmm-hmm.

It's like they all have peppermint sticks up their asses.

Oh, yeah.

- Your whining really turns me on. - There's more where that came from.

We spend all day making candy to earn candy.

It doesn't make any sense!

You're so sad. You're a sad little elf!

Kissy! What in humping heavens is going on?

Nothing, Father!

Weirdo doesn't take his pants off for nothing. Elfo?

Oh! Ow.

This is the last straw. You're going to be punished.

What are you gonna do? Give me a paddling with a big wollypop?

This is serious. You'll be hanged from the Gumdrop Tree.

Oh, this is all me fault, my boy. I got something to tell ya.

Oh! Pops!

Well, it's gonna take a while, so let me pull up this chair.

Hey.

- Now, what was I saying? - Ow!

Oh, yeah, it all started when I first laid eyes on your mother.

I mean, hands.

I couldn't keep them to myself,

and all of a sudden, she gave me a right hook,

- and I was in love. - Pops!

Whoa!

Olé!

I'm already cursed enough.

I don't need some demon making my life worse.

Oh!

That's no ladies' mace.

Yeah, look, you're stuck with me forever, so just take a deep breath and...

Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

And that, my friend, is how one returns a gift.

If you don't calm down, this is gonna be a long forever.

Okay, you win.

I told you elves are too light to hang.

The last guy we hanged died of old age.

Fine. Stab him!

Father, stop!

You can't just kill every guy that kisses me.

Sure I can.

Run, Elfo! Run far away!

Come with me!

Kissy, you've come this far. Don't you want to see the outside world?

Elfo, I've never said this before, but I can't go all the way.

Elfo, no! It is forbidden.

I don't know why we keep that lever there.

Elfo, I warn thee.

For centuries, no elf has ever left Elfwood.

- Except Leavo. - Speak no more of Leavo, Speako!

Please don't open it.

All will be forgiven as long as you obey the Jolly Code.

Ugh... Scribeldy-scrobeldy-screw the Jolly Code!

Wha...

I wanna taste something other than sweetness.

I want to cry salty tears,

learn bitter truths.

I want to take a big, meaty bite out of life and dip it in mustard.

Mustard, vinegar, anchovies? These are the ravings of fools.

Take one step further, you're on your own.

No elf has ever returned, not even Returno.

Elfo, you'll die out there.

I'd rather die a big death than live a small life.

Wow.

For the first time in my life, I feel completely calm and...

Personal demon.

- So, you'll do my bidding? - Uh, no.

I'm a princess. I can't do my own bidding. How are you even useful?

Okay. Hmm.

You know that voice in your head that says to do the right thing?

I'm the guy yelling over it.

Yeah, I'm the guy that makes you feel good about doing bad things.

- You're like a terrible friend? - I never said I'm your friend.

Look at this cake.

It's not even about me. It's about the stupid alliance.

Shame you're a princess and too dainty to do anything about it.

I think you'll be very pleased with the revised cake, Your Highness.

Nice likeness. Competent latticework.

Moving down, sugar columns seem structurally sound.

Back looks good. And just a cursory glance at the bottom tier.

And it says...

"Get Bent, Dad."

Isn't that... What?

Bean!

Caramel can be a coating, a filling, or a candy unto itself.

Now, a cousin to caramel is nougat, which essentially is...

Oh. Hi, I'm Elfo. And you are?

Busy. We're at war here.

What's war?

Wee!

Now we're meeting new people.

Yikes.

Huh?

Hi, I'm Elfo.

Yeow!

Well, I like war, but I wouldn't say I love it.

Wha...

Ooh.

- I'm glad you can't see this. Bye! - Huh?

- Oh! - Ah!

Tonight is wedding night, so is time we had talk.

- I know I am not your mother. - Please don't.

- But I do have sex with your father. - God, Oona. Ew.

I do not need a sex talk from my stepmother.

Tonight, you will be expect to perform your wifely duties.

I mention because it was difficult for me with the tentacles.

I don't have tentacles.

Your husband will have tentacles.

Are you trying to say testicles?

I don't know. Just leave your eggs on the nightstand and get out of there.

Hmm.

Man, I'm starving.

I should've grabbed one of those gumdrops when they were hanging me.

I'm Elfo, by the way. What's your name?

We are but humble people.

We have no names, but you can call me Farmer.

Our food is not flavorful,

but we humbly offer it for your sustenance.

Are you kidding me? This stuff looks amazing.

All I've ever eaten is candy.

Candy? Are you a king?

No.

Mmm. Mmm! Oh!

I am sorry our food will bring you no joy.

This is delicious!

I beg you, sir. We are far too humble to receive praise.

I can't help it. You deserve praise.

- We deserve to be beaten with our food. - I would rather eat it.

- It's so incredibly good! - Now you've praised us too far.

- You must leave our humble home! - Get out, praiser.

Thanks again! It was delicious!

You're ruining our lives!

Announcing King Zog, Queen Oona and... Who cares?

What do you see?

Ooh! Everybody got shoes.

How long is this gonna last? I'm not exactly comfortable in a church.

That's communion wine.

- You could use some, though. - I really shouldn't.

Times when you really shouldn't are exactly when you really should.

Drinking wine with a demon. Not exactly the wedding day I wished for.

Hmm!

I'm supposed to be surrounded by people I like.

I don't even have my real mother.

Who needs a mother when you've got bridesmaids?

- No bridesmaids? - No.

- How about friends? - Uh-uh.

Only drinking buddies.

To drinking buddies.

Better than bridesmaids. Better than mothers.

I was raised by a pack of drinking buddies.

And I came out perfect.

Dearly beloved, as we stand here in this overly large building,

designed to make us feel small and inadequate,

we ask the invisible God we think is up there,

to watch over us if He, She,

or It is even capable of things like watching over us...

This religion is still in its early stages.

Nobody knows anything for sure,

but if I talk with confidence, you dopes will believe anything I say.

Whoa! Pops.

I'm just kicking back with my new cat.

Me? Ow. Meow. That's what cats say, right?

I'm not here to answer cat questions.

Now get up and make your dad proud, you drunk.

- Are you trying to make a jerk out of me? - Yes.

Wow!

It's so small.

Oh, wait, I'm far away.

Do you, Guysbert, most Exalted Prince of Bentwood,

Slayer of Metallica,

take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Duh...

Okay.

And do you, Princess Tiabeanie, a single woman,

take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?

No!

Ah.

I didn't mean for that. I'm so sorry.

He's dead.

Uh, I think I'm still alive. No, wait. Nevermind.

I want my gift back.

- Wait! Wait! Wait! - Don't leave! Stab that guy.

- This wedding is all messed up. - We've got to save the alliance.

- What are we gonna do? - We've got another son.

Why didn't you say so? What's his name?

- God... Uh, Merkimer. - Merkimer.

Okay, watch this. Here we go.

Everybody, sit down.

In consultation with Guysbert's grieving parents,

we've decided the princess can still marry.

What?

Presenting Guysbert's younger brother,

the new heir to the throne of Bentwood, Prince Merkimer.

Don't be sad.

She would have left him for me anyway.

Uh... Actually, I'd be fine if someone could just slide my head up a bit.

Hush! There's a wedding in progress.

Do you, Prince Merkimer of Bentwood...

You gotta be kidding me. Father, you can't make me...

The king can make anyone!

You do. You do.

Say "man and wife."

I now pronounce you man and...

Uh... Hi, I'm Elfo.

What are all your names?

What the hell is that?

- An elf. - A magical elf.

Elves haven't been seen in centuries.

Imagine the possibilities.

With elf magic, I could progress far beyond card tricks.

A shiny gold Zog to whoever seizes the elf.

Oh, I'll get you, wee elf!

Oh!

Ah!

Ah!

Whoa!

So how'd it go?

That good, huh?

The wedding is ruined. The demon is performing exquisitely.

But look. There's a complication. They've been joined by a tiny dork.

Ow.

It's fire, Cloyd. It's hot.

I know. I was there.

Elfo has left the building with Bean.

No worry. I'm an expert hunter, and I'll track down the woman I love.

Keep the champagne chilled.

I shall return before the last uncle passes out.

My Knights of the Zog Table will aid you. Knights!

Pendergast, who are your best trackers?

That would be Stryker and Bolt, sire.

But they're lost, so, it'll be Turbish and Mertz.

We won't get tired this time.

It was sweet of you to wreck my wedding, but you're kind of slowing us down.

Mind if I give you a ride?

Mind? I don't mind at all.

Well, it took all day, but I finally got my winnings...

Oh, no.

Stand back, chumps.

Watch as a non-chump chumps these chumps.

Before today, we had neither riches nor magic.

Then today, for one blessed second, we almost had both.

And now you got bupkis!

Oh, no.

Ow, ow, ow!

Ow, ow, ow!

Oh! Ah!

Why me?

No one could survive that many tumbles.

Oh.

I've never had a nightmare. Is this one?

The footprints stop dead right here.

- Where did they go? - Only one place they could have gone.

Start digging.

I have theory. Maybe they go up.

I won't even dignify that with an upward glance.

Ugh.

Hey, there.

I haven't seen you in this tree before. You looking for a good time?

A fairy? Maybe she can help us. Do you do magic?

Sure, I've done a trick or two. What do you have in mind?

I was forced into a wedding, and I wish I had my freedom to...

Hey, I'm gonna stop you right there.

Wishes sound free. I don't do free.

But you look like sweet kids. You ever heard of the Wishmaster?

I've never heard of anything.

It's true. He just thinks you're a real friendly lady.

An old girlfriend of mine used to work the mountain.

She said this Wishmaster guy was the real deal. Thataway.

This is so helpful. How can we ever repay you?

Cash. Leave it on the branch.

Cool night air, sky full of stars...

This sucks. How much further?

It's getting late, boys. We'd better stay here.

Okay, so if we get three wishes,

I want to be in charge of my own destiny,

to have my mom back, obviously,

and to find a boyfriend who's a great listener.

What do you wish for, Elfo?

To be a great listener.

And whatever that thing is you said about your mom.

I would get rid of all the diseases plaguing mankind,

and replace them with worse ones.

Ooh! And make Elfo die alone.

Hey, he's making fun of my dreams.

That's what friends do.

We got a long journey in the morning. Let's get some shut-eye.

You two sleep down by my feet. I call it the friend zone.

Get comfortable. You ain't never getting outta here.

What's this weird feeling I don't want to drink away?

That's hope. That's hope!

You know what we say in Hell? "Hope's for dopes."

Well, good night, everybody.

I'll be entering your dreams tonight in the form of a laughing skull.

Yeah, that's me. That's me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry about that.

An elf with a human girl? That ain't right.

Ah...

Mmm... Guys, hey! Wake up.

Come on. We've got a long way to go to the Wishmaster's lair.

Mmm...

Oh.

I wish you guys would help.

Save it for the Wishmaster.

Seek ye me?

Yes, are you...

The Washmaster.

Wait, the what-master?

You heard me. The Washmaster.

People far and wide seek me out to wash their clothes.

No!

Well, now we know something we didn't know yesterday.

Ah, there you are, my love. I've come to take you back to our wedding.

Oh!

Ah!

I might as well give up and accept

that I'll never be anything more than a wealthy queen

of a fabulous faraway kingdom.

It's my destiny.

Bean, no!

You are beautiful, and your skin is so soft,

and your hair smells like butterscotch, but you're wrong!

Pardon my language, but destiny is baloney!

Your future is not foretold. It's what you make of it.

He's right, my darling.

Let's make a future together.

I've loved you since the moment you killed my brother.

Give me your hand in marriage, Bean.

Ah...

- You're magic, right? - Yep.

Not that kind of magic, though.

- What about you? - Maybe I am.

Nope.