Original subtitles

XAVIER: "Mom" spelled backwards is "wow."

And "wow" spelled backwards is...

woe is me, that I can't seem to find my mom.

But you don't see me crying about it.

I won't cry.

It's mind over...

[sobbing] Mommy!

I didn't just cry.

Denial is not just an ocean of Africanized tears.

I swore I'd ramble and traverse a continent

till I found my mother.

But I've reached land's end.

[Echoing] End... End... End.

Providence, where now is mine purple.

Thanks for giving me my first job, Mr. Eddie.

I won't let you down.

15 cents off tuna-safe dolphin tacos!

Ow!

Oh, no... the wailing of a dolphin!

This creature's been beachered.

I've got to free this wily Willy and toss him off.

Don't worry, everyone.

I speak dying dolphin.

Uh... chong, chong, dish no wah wah dong dong?

Dolphin's best be the mind stand of the briny gulf,

but you're not the sharpest pudding in the fanny pack.

I'll miss you, too.

Be free and be me by swimming back to your mommy.

[Zap!]

Something feels abnormal with the baby inside me.

We can't abort it this late in the pregnancy.

The most we could do is torture it a bit.

Let's try that.

Damn it, McGultry, you're fired.

How am I gonna tell my mom I got fired?

Porpoiseoid!

I didn't save that doll fish just to see a murderizer

drag its poor orca corpse through the streets.

If you're going to slay an animal,

you had better be prepared to eat the whole thing.

What are you?

I'm Dr. Do-a-lot-le.

I live my life on fly-fingers principle.

I wouldn't raise a finger to hurt a fly.

But if you don't bone appetite,

these fly fingers will make you go on a seafood diet.

Okay, just don't hurt me.

[Chomp! Chomp!]

The crushing pain of life will be over soon.

I told you, if you're going to kill something,

you'd better eat it.

Now chow down, or I'll break my vow of nonviolence

against your face.

Let me out! Let me out!

[Screaming]

Yeah, of course, a furry creature

back in the shimmering object.

You just need some rest, okay?

You'll cure my brain?

I never want to see those visions again.

We'll take you to a nice place.

They got a man came in believing he's a horse,

and they've already worked him down

to thinking he's just a goose.

They got a guy who thinks he's some pepper,

and they pay a fella to stand next to him and sneeze.

They even got a woman who thinks she gave birth to an it...

strange old slut.

Mommy.

They got a boy who was raised by a cricket

and a cricket that was raised by a tick.

They got a dental tranny...

man with the choppers of a lady...

call him the tooth fairy.

Boy, his mouth is so soft.

Welcome.

I'm not your maid, and I'm not your mom.

We use only positive reinforcement here.

If you don't like it, we hit you with the prod.

If you refuse to eat, we insert a feeding tube.

If you eat the feeding tube, we hit you with the prod.

If you complain about the prod,

we hit you with the prod.

If you refuse to take your meds orally,

you'll be fed your mouth rectally.

Here's the fun-house mirrors for the anorexic.

These are the patients who think they're Mohammed.

They're self-blurring.

The nymph whore, cutters, greasers, rockers,

mods, dagos, wops.

This is the reverse-psychology wing.

Hey, get down from there!

I think my hallucination snuck into the hospital!

Harry, fire up the lobotomizer!

Now to sneakishly search

each nook and cranny for my mammy.

Yoo-hoo! Cranny!

This area's for patients only.

Can I help you?

I'm here to, uh, check myself in, yeah.

I suspect I'm crazy, with a capital and sideways "z"

that's also flipped upside-down, interestingly.

That would make you... Crany?

Damn it, he sees right through me.

He can tell I'm sane.

Got to hoodwink this wink into thinking I'm king crazythink.

It'll take some mental elbow grease,

but no pain-ity, no insanity.

Who are you talking to?

Frittata, I'm in. He's buying it, Helen.

No one!

Why would I be talking to someone?

I'm too... too...

[cuckoo!]

[Meow!]

[Engine sputters]

Hang on. Just got to pull the choke here.

[Engine turns over]

There we go. Yep, convertible... jealous?

Fascinating.

Subject to begin the evaluation process.

Look at this ink blot, and tell me what you see.

Go with it.

Don't hold back.

Absorb yourself into it.

Get away, you sickening inkling.

I don't have to be an evil demon.

I am whatever you choose to see me as.

Oh, yeah?

What if I want you to be my bike?

Oh, whee!

What about a pony?

Yahoo!

A bike for the pony?

I want some ice cream.

Hey, pony, can I borrow a couple of bucks?

No? Broke-ass pony.

I want you should be a pony,

only this pony has a couple of spare bucks.

I'll take that.

Now, where's the ice-cream store?

I can just become ice cream, if you want.

You needn't complicate this.

I don't need your charity.

Here, just take the ice cream.

Wait, is this some kind of a trap?

Only one yummy way to find out.

Yummy shrimp.

Brain freeze!

This notion nosh is gonna go right to my mental hips.

What else is happening there? Go deeper.

Hey, muchacho, where did you do to my ice cream, chachi?

I am your ice cream.

But it's really just you.

Make up your mind.

First you say I'm scream, then you'm scream.

What, we all'm scream?

You're not the crispiest meat hat in chican, do you?

If you're calling me stupid,

you're just calling yourself stupid.

Well, I'm rubber and you're rubber cement.

Anything you say sticks and stones, dumb bones.

I'm just a projection of your feelings.

Yeah, put it all on me.

Someone's in denial.

Will you please just shut up?!

I don't know what it is.

He drives up the... I think I'm really losing it.

Maybe this will help.

What do you see on this card?

[Screaming]

She must be around here.

My mom-dar is throbbing white-hot.

Unhand that nut bag.

Hey, this is just the fringe beneflex of the job.

It's no big whoop.

I was just giving her the big-whoop cure,

the old shock-and-awe therapy.

You get it, with the...

This is no way to cure people.

I've tried curing the dead that way,

and it only leads to heartbreak.

Hey, don't worry.

You know, if I knock her up,

i'll give her a uterus lobotomy, the old brain 'bortion, you know?

It's how we do around here.

Are you okay, random lady?

Mommy!

[Baby giggles]

Mother, I've found you.

Don't you recognize me?

Don't bother.

She don't talk at all, thank God.

Won't even open her mouth.

Believe me, I tried.

Ain't said a word since that lobotomy

cut out all the thingamajigs that was tormenting her.

I like her jugs... dibs.

I've got to get that part of her brain

back in her head so she remembers me.

Where do they discard the medical waste?

Yeah, I don't got time to chitchat, okay?

The boss says I got to give the coital cure

to this whole wing before lunch.

I'm coming, boss.

I'm coming.

XAVIER: Oh, so many.

Let's try... I don't know... this one.

Cellophane grape shields slits throats and...

Nope.

[Screams]

Nope.

Hey, pa, I forgot how pizza works.

Dumb wop.

Could have used a goombotomy.

Goal!

Damn it, I had money on that game.

[Rooster crows]

Oh, chicken. Yum.

I think my hallucination snuck into the...

That fella's nuttier than my pants at a coffin sale.

[As Xavier] How'd that get in there?

That's better.

I've got a good feeling about this one.

Son, how'd you find me?

Mom, it worked!

I faked my death to get away from you.

I hate you!

You can say that, Mommy, but don't mean it.

I never want to see you again.

Aah!

[Gasps]

Say, big man.

I've had every other freak in here.

Let me give you the coital cure.

Come on, you look like you need a little...

[boing!]

[Honk! Honk!]

[Whistle!]

You should know you were my first,

not counting rape.

You were so huge.

Congratulations.

Mother and son in carnal embrace...

this will put me on the map.

But my mother is...

I'm afraid you are mistaken.

You see, Nurse Escher came here years ago as a patient,

escaping the turmoil of her bestial child.

After her lobotomy, I left the brain remains in the bio-waste room.

I was your patient?

My finest, because you're so huge.

Look for yourself.

I thought that was a yogurt stain.

I slept with my son?!

I sexed off with my mommy?

I'll go down in history...

First scientist to prove that

lobotomy removes Oedipal taboo.

Go on, react.

I'm no longer a mama's boy.

She made a mama's man.

For the first time in my life,

I'm gonna let my fist do the talking.

[High-pitched voice] Oh, if I wasn't a peaceful man, I'd...

[growls]

[Normal voice] No!

This is rubbing against my pole, my principle of nonviolence.

But you made me do it.

I'm your pent-up violence unleashed.

This thing is crazy.

It's on a rampage.

No one get near it. Fear it!

You're in denial.

Come on, hon, let's blow this nut stand.

And don't follow me.

It wants me to follow it.

It's using reverse psychology on me.

Well, I'll reverse retaliate with the psychology

of a thousand backwards minds.

I'll just Oedipal these out

and knit-wit a braingea hot-thought balloon.

I know that inky stink thinker is out there,

spreading amok on his brutal havoc crackers.

Rorschach attack! Look out!

It's pure violence con carnate!

I tried to tell you.

I'm only violent if you're violent.

But I'm not violent at all.

Look.

But you killed those people.

Did I?

What he doesn't know is

that I'm using reverse psychology on him.

I can tell you're trying to use reverse psychology on me.

That proves he doesn't know.

Oh, yeah?

If I was using reverse psychology,

why, oh, why, would I do this?

My treatment worked.

Thanks for my job back, Mr. Eddie.

I won't disappoint.

Yow!

Please, stop it.

You're doing a great job.

Why do you reverse want me to keep killing these poor people?

You monster!

This is my best trick yet.

Fine, just, uh, tell me what you don't not want me to do.

I want not that you should not turn into

the opposite of a nice, non-big ice-cream cone... big one.

Okay, I'll do it.

I mean, no way, I won't do it.

I got dibs.

Oh, did you chumps want a lick?

Psyche.

[Chuckles] I feel him kicking.

I think it's time.

I'm having our incest baby.

This is disgusting.

How I'm blushing with pride.

Push, honey, push.

This is some kind of monster.

Interesting.

I think you're ready to see yourself for the first time...

Not how you imagine yourself,

but how you truly are.

Hot dang, I'm cured.

Cured?

Who said there was anything wrong with you?

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