Original subtitles

Soon.

[Echoing] What is this place, and who am I?

I don't remember my name.

All I remember is that I don't know my name

and that I can't remember if I do know my, um,

uh, I have the strange feeling

that I've forgotten all of this before.

I forget if I remember that these doors

have always been here.

I tried the blue one.

Hurry! Take the gun, man!

Huh? What is this for?

Come on! Did you forget everything?!

We went over this!

You're in charge of security for the mayor!

No compadre your speeky-spaniol.

English?

This town elected a donkey mayor

as a scathing indictment of our jackass political system,

but the powers that be want him dead!

'Member? You've got to protect him.

[Gunshot, donkey brays]

It was him!

I saw him do it!

Why else would he have a gun?!

Hee-huh?

[Gavel bangs]

I swear, I didn't shoot the mayor.

You are not on trial for shooting the mayor.

You are on trial for being on trial.

But I'm innocent.

By proclaiming your innocence,

it proves you're on trial.

What say you, jury?

[All babbling]

It's a jury of your mental peers.

What sort of law is this?

Laws? Laws are illegal here!

Guilty!

I sentence thee to three glimpses into your own soul.

[Scoffs]

I could do that with my third eye tied behind my back.

Very well. Seven glimpses!

No-o-o-o!

And as your new mayor,

I declare the concerns of this township

shall no longer be donkey concerns

but shall be human concerns.

And I vow to protect the children of this town

from our local human-baby rapist...

and a gas-tax holiday!

[Crowd cheering]

Thank you!

[Applause]

XAVIER: I haven't forgotten you.

I know what your butt did to that boy!

This must mean I saved a life.

I'm some sort of life savior?

Wonder where's my reward.

Bingo doodle attainment of more enlightened level of being!

I have graduated to this advanced realm.

It feels so right.

I've never felt more... oh!

[Chomps]

What is all this? A test?

Reveal your intentions!

Show either your face or your body... ooh!

Soon.

I don't have to stand here

and take lip from the lipless.

I'm leaving, like a tree makes.

[Grunts]

You can consume my dust.

Don't let my anus mudcake your door on my way out.

You can flush me fromst the toilette of your mind,

because I'm pissed-tory.

You can kiss and lick and caress

and coddle and swallow my sweet ass goodbye.

And take your time.

I'll be here all day.

Fine. I'll rub it myself.

[Man speaking backwards]

I'm too late.

If I'd abetted this poor meat in time,

he'd still be a delicious man.

Healed?!

In this odd dominion,

driving backwards over people can mend them.

People, hurry!

Get in the way!

I'm committing vehicular man-burger helper,

and it tastes like pure liquid relief.

Best part is I'm helping the Earth,

getting negative-30 miles to the gallon.

[Siren wailing]

Oh, the cops want to horn in on my heal deal.

I'll let 'em co-bask in my reflected glory.

Huh, I seem to have bruises and lumps on my face.

Four words, men. Thanks.

Count 'em 'n' weep.

Ooh, free shrimp.

I don't feel so good.

My tummy hurts.

I've got to hit the head.

Is it through there?

This isn't it.

[Sniffs]

Smells like a real creep been in this room.

Is it through here?

I'll just go in here.

Hey!

Hey!

Animals out there.

So this place is all random, huh?

Okay, I'm gonna go in...

that door.

[Echoing] out-randomed.

Huh? A land of primitive simpletons.

I must be here to tutor these dark dim-dongs.

Attention, people.

I shall shine my rays o' enlightenment unto you,

brighter than the big glowing orange thing...

the, uh, whatchama...

you know, the big, dumb hot ball in the sky.

This freak insult sun god.

We must sacrifice a virgin.

If these be my last words,

then I'd like to leave this world with one thought...

Me no wanna die, mommy!

[Wailing]

We now sacrifice this demon to the great sun god,

Quetzecoitelakalaka...

[gagging]

The great sun god's name cannot be spoken,

for it is pronounced Quetzeco... [gagging]

Uh, let's just cut to sacrifice.

Ugh!

Please get my mommy so I can tell on you!

You can't shuffle off this mortal-goyle.

Guess my death wasn't in the tarot three cards, monty.

Zuma!

This sac-ri-farce is no way to appease the dei-dees.

Let's give this sadis-dick sun god

a taste of his own meta-meta sin, man.

Go summon him.

[Fanfare]

Let's see how you like it.

[Panting]

You people have angered the gods!

Why?!

But I have an idea.

We must sacrifice someone

to cuckold and pacify this Mexi-global war, mang.

[Chomps]

XAVIER: I can't be a hypo-grist.

I'll commit sacri-cide.

[Dramatic music plays]

I believe I said "good day," weird room.

[Light music plays]

[Birds chirping]

[Squishing]

I knew if I bode my time,

I'd eventually win my way with you, love.

But I loved him.

[Dramatic music plays]

If this is your idea of a joke,

I'd like to be subjected to a tragedy.

[Wind whistling]

Why are you doing this?!

Do you believe in God?

Yes.

Do you believe in God?

[Crying] Yes.

[Sheep bleat]

Do you believe in God?

That's a complicated question.

It depends on what you mean by "God."

You see, I... - Yes or no!

It helps no one to be reductive.

I believe that that we are here implies to some degree

that there are forces larger than us.

Now, we can get into the semanticalities of...

Yes or no!

The very notion of belief itself can be

rhetorically whittled to the bare nub of its meaning.

I'd like to talk to you a lot more about this.

Would you be interested in reading some of my literature?

No!

[Gunshot]

[Beep]

So, it was me all along.

Now I understand what's happening in here.

I just need to go through the black door.

God has put me through his reamer,

but I've come out the other side with his calling in my ear.

[Crying] This is how starving people cry.

A crying lady!

I'll help you. I'm a feminist.

I'll make sexism my bitch.

Sexism will be like...

[high-pitched voice] "Ooh, Xavier, you're so strong.

Kissy, kissy. You can hit me. I like it...

[normal voice] Rough"!

Honey, I found a corn nibl... huh?

Have you seen my ex-wife? She was just here.

I have some bad news and a snack for you.

How can I break this easy?

Do I smell food?

Mother! Sure! Help yourself!

You're so kind.

For the first time ever, I want to give you a hug, son.

Go on, get your hug.

Free grinder.

Hey, don't just tell him to take the hug.

Tell him to kick her in the face, too.

Don't just tell him to kick her in the face!

Tell him to kick Larry in the face as well!

Okay. I... wait.

Who's Larry?

Larry's the first demon.

Really?

I thought his name was Gus.

Gus? What kind of name is Gus?

Well, what's your name?

My name is Goldurn B. Taintnone...

as in 'tain't none of your goldurn beeswax! The 3rd.

Will you guys quit dickering?

[Lisping] Let us focus on getting this grinder.

Hey, you know what, everyone?

I actually have a grinder he can have.

Here. Don't spend it all in one place.

Wha? Don't bend it all in some space.

Wha? Don't spit in Oliver's face.

Wha? Bones lend Italians your waste.

Wha? Telephone game's a disgrace.

Wha? Chicka-ba goom wap mace.

Wha? Don't spend it all in one place.

What? How did that get there?

Huh. I'd love to hug you, mother.

[Whispering] Right into my plan.

D Slippytown Village Chili Slide Park, yeah d

Flume through the loop-de-legume con carne

and chill in our scalding three-alarm kiddie pool!

I bean slidin' down the beef pipe all day!

You'll jalapeno pants.

I've got nothing to add to that.

[Wind whistling]

[Insects buzzing]

That didn't work.

I'm not moving until you tell me what this is all about!

[Clanking]

Sir, do you know how to make all of this stop?

Hurry! Take the gun!

You've got to protect the mayor!

[Gunshot]

Only one door left to try.

Its always the last door holds thy deepest reward.

I don't want to play with dollies, Mommy.

I want to ramble the world to help folks.

[Crying]

What's wrong, little girl?

I can't go to heaven 'cause I'm gay.

I'll smuggle you to heaven

via the under-brown male-road.

Once I shove you up this trojan arse,

you'll be the first gay homo in heaven.

Ugh!

The Blacky Robinson Uncle-Tom Crusoe-Mo!

Yahoo! Yay!

[Alarm blaring]

Intruder alert!

There has been a breach in the system!

Heaven will self-destruct in 10 seconds

if the intruder does not reveal themselves.

10... 9...

Okay, it's me.

You have sacrificed yourself for the good of the whole.

You are the new messiah.

What will be your first act as messiah?

My first act is to drop the act!

Now let me get some white women

for the first black man in heaven!

I give up.

I lay my queen down and sore-end her.

I concede.

Try opening all the doors at once.

[Echoing] Yes. Overload the system!

- We... - are...

- all... - just...

- play... - ers...

- in... - the...

- game... - of...

life!

[Thud]

Congratulations.

You may now begin to play the game.

XAVIER: [Echoing] Of life.

[Applause]

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