Original subtitles

It's what separates

the wheat of beasts from the

chaff of chaps... free will.

Man's most potent mirage.

Do I have the free will to turn

this desert into an ocean?

Allow that I should weave

thee a tale of a land angel, a

sand-seeker who perchanced upon

a crossroads.

He stood at the fork, awash in

the feculent knowledge that

which path he chose would brand

his life evermore.

He opened the ear of his soul's

eye to providence, unwilling to

move until he was sure which

direction was holy most.

Finally, he felt a cosmic hand

guiding him to the path on the

left.

Hey, freak.

We don't cotton to weirdos in

our town.

So scram before I make you taste

pain.

Dead?

What do you see?

What's the afterlife look like?

What visions?

He's dead.

Computer, explain.

Xav-v-v-v-ier, according to

my research, something very

weird happened here.

If I could just know

what led up to all of this.

Can you get ahold of some

brain matter for a memory

extraction?

Never thought you'd

ask.

Before we sing our glorious

praise to the Lord, it is my sad

duty to announce that our

sign-language translator has

donated her hands to the needy

groper society.

In her place, we have Popo, a

very special gorilla from the

research center who has been

studying sign language under the

tutelage of my wife, June, for

three years.

D Rise and shine and give God... d

This gorilla is good.

She's blessed with the holy spirit.

That animal... so beautiful.

What are these feelings coming over me?

Is she capable of feeling the

same way of me?

[Grunting]

Strange.

I feel like someone is raping me

with their eyes.

Ooh, that woman.

So beautiful.

I just know she feels the same

way about me.

She was totally checking me out.

Yeah, we're soul mates.

I shall now vow to make her my

bride.

There... vow locked in.

You are my spiritual guide.

What should I do?

Dare I follow my heart down this

unnatural path?

Let me show you what shall

pass unto thee if your heart you follow.

I just need a quarter.

What have I done?!

I'm too overcome to speak

about my husband's mysterious death.

But Popo has asked to say a few

words.

What's that, Popo?

She's saying that this time of

great loss illuminates the bonds

we share as a community.

And for that, we must give

praise to the Lord.

Now she's being very eloquent,

saying some very touching things.

She's being moving.

Still being moving.

It's so moving!

This go-rilla is go-ing places!

Popo is giving thanks for

everyone who could make it here.

Popo is offering faith in Jesus

as an alleviation to the deep

fears in you...

I vow that when I

marry her, I'll give her 100

flowers every five minutes.

[Grunts]

Vow locked in.

...society don't acknowledge.

It's very touching.

Oh, it's so touching.

She's tugging deeply

ingrained heartstrings now.

Praise the Lord!

Popo is urging you to dismiss

the power of your rational mind.

She's using fear of death,

playing on your insecurities.

There's a rock- solid elegance to

the arguments.

So elegant.

Popo is shattering your souls.

Shattering souls.

Popo is taking obvious metaphors

too literally.

Now she's doing sign language.

She's moving her hands.

She's signing in tongues.

She's lifting her voice, such as it were.

She's raising our spirits.

Now she's touching her feces as

they come out of her bottom.

Now she's sniffing her finger.

Oh, she overexerted herself.

Daddy!

Honey, I've been moved by a beast.

Come, sit.

You're 16 now, and I know you've had sex.

Of course.

You know that, daddy.

Well, we're Christians, and I

want you to sign a revirgination

pledge to me and the big man upstairs.

Who are these people?

Where did June go?

I vow to see her again.

[Grunts]

Vow locked in!

I got a contract at church.

Oh, neat. Let me see.

No need to read every word, honey.

It's all standard language.

Boilerplate.

It just says you vow to be a

born-again virgin and never have

sex out of wedlock.

Sure, daddy.

And initial here and here.

Bite down on this.

And write your measurements here.

I'm a virgin again.

Not yet.

[Knock on door]

Hymen guy.

Oh, good. He's here.

Hymen guy.

Who's this?

You wanted to be a virgin again.

He's gonna make that dream a

reality for you.

But I don't want a new hymen.

I want to go out.

You should have read the contract.

Now, you got a bunch of choices.

We got the tropical beach.

That's pina colada- cherry flavored.

We got the growler, the gobbler,

fangs for the ovaries.

We got the Apple Dumpling Gang,

signed by Don Knotts himself.

The French stickler for her

pleasure and his Au Bon pain.

We got the Nature's Candy, made

from recycled elephant hymen and raisins.

The Gray Lady.

It really delivers.

This is the Rice Rocket.

You don't want it.

It's Jap crap.

The We Shall Overcome.

The Mud Flaps.

Turn it inside out.

It's a duvet.

Moons over my h-ovaries.

That's an anal hymen.

The Lox Box, for frigid Jews.

They all come with the free

banana, except for the We Shall Overcome.

We want the basic model.

Nothing fancy.

Standard double-wide.

Daddy, this one has an MP3 player.

Can I?

I could never say no to a

virgin.

Turn it on.

We're back.

WCRST... Succotash and the bird

in the morning.

The Christian zoo radio

hooty-hoo, featuring Succotash

and the bird in the morning.

Accept the Savior, get into the

glorious kingdom of heaven.

Succotash, Succotash.

Call us up, win some cash!

We got Christ, we got faith, we

got traffic on the 1s, weather on the what?

We got Popo the preachin'

gorilla in the studio.

How you doing today, Popo?

King of making a splash in the

preaching scene.

Make a splash, make a splash, Succotash.

Call us up, win some cash!

Well, it's 5:55.

Let's check in on the 5 W's.

We got who, what, when, where,

why... how's the weather this morning?

Weather's on the traffic.

Traffic's on the... no time.

Succotash, Succotash.

Win some cash!

Accept Christ into your heart.

Look down on us from the

glorious kingdom of heaven.

Popo, I understand you're

starting your own 700 club.

Seven's a prime number.

You're in the prime of your life.

Life could change.

Win a chunk of change.

Succo-cash, Succotash.

Call us up, win some cash.

Got a caller on line 7. Are you there?

Yeah. Did I win some cash?

Oh! So close...

Was the phrase that pays.

And we give praise. Bow your heads.

Thanks for coming in, Popo.

Coming up, we got traffic on the 1s.

It's traffic every one second.

There's traffic!

There's traffic!

No traffic! There's traffic!

Sigalert raybirds!

[Applause]

Popo is blessing you all for tuning in.

And she's now welcoming her first guest.

Seems to be a famous Christian

hollywood actor.

Thanks so much for having me, Popo.

You're quite an inspiration.

I hereby vow to never disappoint you.

Huh?

[Grunting]

Huh? Huh? It's not working!

[Grunting]

The author is lobbing lobbing

hollow praise at Popo.

Popo says she understands the

actor has a clip of his upcoming movie.

Yes.

This is a passion project for me.

It's about a good Christian who

sacrifices everything.

And in this scene... well, just take a look.

Welcome to the afterlife.

You will experience an eternity

of infinite joy in this realm.

But my sexy wife is still

down there, and those Philipino

gators are about to eat her!

I'm sorry. You can't go back.

I'm not taking no for an answer!

Get me the hell out of heaven.

In the name of the father, the

son, and the - holy sh...

lifting "seventh hellven"

part eight to number one at the

box office for the ninth

straight week, thanks to the

popo-ularity of Popo the

gorilla, who some believe is the

second or even third coming of

the Messiah.

Messiah or not, Popo has

literally converted everyone on

the planet to Christianity.

That's over 5 billion served.

Poor monkey.

And as you may not know, every

human on the earth is right now

gathering in a celebration to

accept Popo as our universal savior.

We go there live.

Popo is saying that once we

all accept her, we will ascend

into glory.

Popo says 10.

Popo says 9.

Glory?

I can't lose my love to glory.

I've got to get her.

Popo says 1.

All: We surrender to Popo!

Popo!

God has taken her!

All: What the... weird!

You know, to be honest, I was a

tiny bit skeptical about this

whole "Popo's the Messiah" thing

before that happened.

But now I really do surrender

to Popo!

We're all special.

So if I have sex with that

gorilla, the entire world will

go to heaven?

Balls never lie.

The world's hymen shall be

restored... innocence regained.

Hot dog!

I'm getting me some

world-soul-saving ape snoochidoo!

Sucker.

Just tell them what they want to

hear... "follow your heart."

Come on.

You've got to me able to open

your mouth wider than that.

Xavier!

I've analyzed the brain j-j-juice.

The thoughts... they're coming

from within your head!

Get out of your head!

[Echoing] Get out of your head!

And that's when he realized

that to stand and consider all

possibilities is to drown in a

tunneling sea of infinite

potentiality.

So he changed his mind and took

the path on the right.

His right.

If you are facing him, it's your

left.

Push! Honey, push!

It's some kind of monster!

Just two more Xaviers left.

Out there.

[Echoing] Somewhere.

[Bell tolling]

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