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SHE SIGHS
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Ah, me!
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Weary pass these sombre days.
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I am wasting my life!
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KNOCKING
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Who stands without?
MUFFLED EXCLAMATION
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I know not this sinister
muffled voice!
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00:00:40,974 --> 00:00:43,065
There be evil spirits abroad.
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Stands a naughty saucing
demon without.
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I must bar the door!
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KNOCKING
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On second thoughts, so bored
am I that a frenzied encounter
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with a naughty saucing demon
might prove a welcome distraction.
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SINISTER MUSIC PLAYS
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Oh, it's only you, Mr Shakespeare,
back from the shops
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with our essential items.
MUFFLED SPEECH
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I was saying that I cannot believe
how many people out there aren't
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wearing bubonic plaguey beaks.
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So irresponsible!
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I know. I call such
folk Bubon-idiots.
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Brilliant, don't you think?
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I'm hoping it'll catch on.
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Mm. Not sure.
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I think it might.
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Smug, self-righteous fury
is a powerful
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linguistical poncing-toggler.
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So irresponsible!
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"I'm not wearing a plaguey beak",
they say.
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"I'm a freeborn Englishman.
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"Why did we bother triumphing
at Agincourt if we end up
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"enslaved in plaguey beaks
like snivelling Frenchies?"
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"It's my problem if I get it!"
Yes, but it's my problem
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if you give it to me,
you utter arsing-mungle!
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And if you don't wear a beak,
people will die!
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That's what I should have said.
Did you say it?
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I very nearly said it.
Well done.
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That very nearly told them!
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Well, I think they knew
what I was thinking.
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I tell you who I really hate.
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The ones who wear a plaguey beak,
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but around their necks,
like that's enough.
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It's not enough.
It's not anything!
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A plaguey beak isn't a scarf!
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It's not there to keep
your chin warm.
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You can't just wear a plaguey beak.
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You have to wear it over your nose
and futtocking mouth!
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Mind you, I can't stand the mask
police either.With you there, Kate.
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A pox on such virtue-prodding
mealy-smugs.
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00:02:21,902 --> 00:02:24,697
We must practice goodwill
and common sense.
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A harassed mum allowing
her screaming three-year-old
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to go unbeaked in the queue
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at the greengrocer's is of course
reckless and irresponsible
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but me momentarily removing mine
to enjoy a modest and essential
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six-course meal at Miss Lucy's
is entirely reasonable.
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00:02:41,614 --> 00:02:45,504
Absolutely. And also entirely safe,
if concluded before 10pm.
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00:02:46,030 --> 00:02:49,913
Exactly. After 10pm, that's when
the plague gets really infectious.
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As the Government's
chief alchemist says,
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"Follow the superstition."
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00:02:54,222 --> 00:02:57,337
Anyway, enough of
the virtue-prodding mealy-smugs.
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00:02:57,422 --> 00:02:59,358
Likewise, the Bubon-idiots.
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It's not going to catch on, Kate.
I think it might.
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We Brits love a collective bitch!
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So, how was your shopping,
Mr Shakespeare?
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Did you get all our essential items?
No, I didn't.
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00:03:10,158 --> 00:03:13,209
Still not a scrap of damp moss
for the privy to be found
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00:03:13,294 --> 00:03:14,617
in all of the South Bank.
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00:03:14,702 --> 00:03:18,592
Still? People are just mad!Every
tree stump and ancient gravestone
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stripped of moistly compliant
bum shank friendly vegetation
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00:03:23,470 --> 00:03:24,985
from Southwark to the bridge.
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00:03:25,070 --> 00:03:26,649
I hate hoarders.
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00:03:26,734 --> 00:03:29,721
Why? Just why? There be no shortage.
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So, here's an idea.
Let's create one.
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00:03:31,982 --> 00:03:35,358
It's actually hoarding that creates
the shortages.
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Although, of course, in such
uncertain times, it does make sense
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00:03:38,382 --> 00:03:42,078
to shop prudently, even for socially
responsible citizens such as us.
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Which is why I thought it sensible
to pick up another ham,
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some more turnips, a few potatoes,
more salted meat
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and an extra bundle of sugar sticks,
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which is definitely not hoarding.
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00:03:53,323 --> 00:03:55,641
Where's the booze?
There isn't any booze.
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You said you'd get booze.
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Tell me you got more booze!
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00:03:58,414 --> 00:04:00,569
Yes, Kate, I got more booze.
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The single most essential
plaguey lock-in item of all.
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00:04:06,542 --> 00:04:09,438
KATE SQUEALS
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00:04:09,523 --> 00:04:11,598
But...
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00:04:11,683 --> 00:04:13,817
..we must not crack before 5pm.
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00:04:13,902 --> 00:04:16,889
No, definitely not. We have to stop
the daytime drinking.
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00:04:16,974 --> 00:04:18,361
But beer's not booze.
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I mean, not serious booze.
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And absolutely essential,
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confined as we are day after day,
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firmly locked behind that which
though it be sometimes ajar
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contains no honey...Urgh.
..is always at an opening,
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00:04:32,923 --> 00:04:35,513
but be not a minor member
of the royal family
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and has a large knob, but
be not the Earl of Southampton.
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Not that I'd know, of course.
We're just good friends.
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Mr Shakespeare. If you mean door,
why don't you just say door?
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Because, as I think I may have
mentioned, it's what I do.
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And speaking of which, if
you'll excuse me, I must get back
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to work. With the theatres
closed once more and all London
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under brutal plaguey lock-in,
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00:04:56,974 --> 00:05:00,864
now is the time to write
a really great play.
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00:05:01,390 --> 00:05:03,558
I'm just grateful
we're not in Manchester.
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00:05:03,643 --> 00:05:05,721
Remember when they introduced
the two tier system?
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Absolutely. North and south.
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00:05:08,083 --> 00:05:10,278
We London elites
think we have it bad,
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00:05:10,363 --> 00:05:14,238
but tis said the northern folk
had to isolate in sealed barrels.
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I know. I had hoped to return
to my dear wife, Anne, and children
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00:05:18,043 --> 00:05:21,273
in Stratford, but all such
nonessential movement be banned.
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Besides the country folk
have erected barricades
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and stand at every
turnpike with pitchfork ready,
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shouting, "City toffs not welcome!
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"Don't bring your plague here,
you pestilent pamperloins."
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Yes, me thinks we city toffs
will remember that when
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they want us back to stay
in their horrid guest houses
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00:05:38,574 --> 00:05:40,089
and pay exorbitant prices
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00:05:40,174 --> 00:05:42,201
for their foul cream teas.
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00:05:42,286 --> 00:05:45,438
Anyway, with my servant
Bottom pressed into service
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collecting deadies, tis just you
and me, Kate, locked in together.
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And I must get on!
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Yes, you must.
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Can't make the same mistake
I made the last time they closed
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the theatres in
the plaguey year of 1593.
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00:05:58,030 --> 00:06:01,209
I only produced The Comedy of Errors
and Love's Labour's Lost,
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both of which...
Were absolute clunkers.
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Well, perhaps very slightly short
of mine sublime best.
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Totally incomprehensible
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and very, very dull.
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Little does the fond child
know that it's deliberate.
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Being incomprehensible and very,
very dull is one of my best tricks -
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the very proof of my genius!
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00:06:20,814 --> 00:06:24,569
For I've discovered that a certain
type of wanksome braining bonce
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doth ever despise honest tears
and laughter and will instead
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00:06:28,494 --> 00:06:31,801
seek out the wilfully obscure in
theatre so that they can pretend to
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understand it and thus look clever.
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I mean, face it, Mr Shakespeare,
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a Comedy of Errors wasn't a comedy.
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Although it was certainly an error.
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00:06:41,102 --> 00:06:44,478
And Love's Labour's Lost
was just convoluted bolingbrokes.
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00:06:44,563 --> 00:06:48,377
A king, a queen, three knights
and three princesses
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all hopelessly
and impossibly entangled.
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I mean, we all enjoy a love
triangle, but a love octagon
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is just desperate and try-hard,
and also ever so slightly pervy.
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You should raise your game.
I know, Kate.
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00:07:03,054 --> 00:07:05,785
I have to use this plaguey
lock-in time properly
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and create a classic.
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00:07:07,726 --> 00:07:09,689
The new king doth love the theatre.
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As you know, he has dubbed our
old Lord Chamberlain's company
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00:07:12,590 --> 00:07:14,169
The King's Men.
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A great honour, of course,
but now it's personal,
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which is quite scary.
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James be England's
first Caledonian king
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and as we all know, there is no-one
more touchy and minded to take
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offence than an expat Scot.
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00:07:27,246 --> 00:07:30,558
I know. His one dream is
to bind the separate
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00:07:30,643 --> 00:07:33,369
nations of England and Scotland
together in one union.
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00:07:33,454 --> 00:07:35,238
Which is clearly never going
to happen.
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I think it might.
The king be determined.
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Well, if it does,
I'll give it 400 years tops.
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In the meantime, the King
must be flattered and cosseted.
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Thus, I'm working on a new play set
in Scotland in which everyone
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is Scottish and the leading
character is both Scottish
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and the King... of Scotland.
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00:07:52,654 --> 00:07:56,544
Oh, that should cover it, but are
you qualified to write it?
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Excuse me? Is the world's
greatest playwright
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qualified to write a play?
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I really can't think.
To write THIS play.
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00:08:04,302 --> 00:08:06,777
I'm worried about
cultural appropriation.
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Cultural appropriation!
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00:08:08,590 --> 00:08:11,358
Well, should an English person
write a Scottish story?
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After all,
it's not your lived reality.
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00:08:13,966 --> 00:08:17,849
But art is by very definition
a product of the imagination!
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00:08:17,934 --> 00:08:21,824
My plays portray kings, commoners,
Moors, Jews, Papists, sorcerers,
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women, sprites, human donkeys,
Frenchmen, although of course never
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in a positive light.
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00:08:30,094 --> 00:08:32,441
But by your argument,
I would have none of them.
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00:08:32,526 --> 00:08:34,937
All of my plays
would have to be about
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00:08:35,022 --> 00:08:37,278
a literary genius
with a fine head of hair.
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00:08:37,363 --> 00:08:40,278
I just think it's an important
conversation to have, that's all.
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Well, we've had it.
Can we never, ever have it again?
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00:08:43,214 --> 00:08:45,177
History is on my side.Stop it!
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00:08:45,262 --> 00:08:48,377
I'm writing a bloody Scottish play,
and that's that.
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00:08:48,462 --> 00:08:52,352
With witches, despite outrageously
not being a witch!
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00:08:53,134 --> 00:08:56,718
I'm using that old multiple
murder plot I dreamt up
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00:08:56,803 --> 00:08:59,577
when we were staying in Stratters
that time and I thought
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00:08:59,662 --> 00:09:01,817
I'd poisoned my neighbour
with the milk.Mm.
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00:09:01,902 --> 00:09:04,889
Of course, the entire story
is in Holinshed's Chronicles,
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00:09:04,974 --> 00:09:06,617
which I've been reading
in the privy.
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00:09:06,702 --> 00:09:08,857
Maybe that helped a bit?
Coincidence, Kate.
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00:09:08,942 --> 00:09:11,609
It's all my idea,
as are all my plays,
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00:09:11,694 --> 00:09:14,361
whatever you may or may not
have been reading in the privy.
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00:09:14,446 --> 00:09:17,625
Anyway, I've used these months
of plaguey lock-in to work
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00:09:17,710 --> 00:09:19,673
and so far it's brilliant.
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00:09:19,758 --> 00:09:22,937
If also cultural theft.
Stop it, Kate!
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00:09:23,022 --> 00:09:24,153
I have my action,
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00:09:24,238 --> 00:09:28,128
my heroic battles and brutal
murders, my flawed and tragic hero.
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00:09:28,483 --> 00:09:31,278
King James will love all that,
but his is also
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00:09:31,363 --> 00:09:33,241
a sensitive and poetic soul.
201
00:09:33,326 --> 00:09:36,918
He will demand spiritual depth
to the monarch I depict,
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00:09:37,003 --> 00:09:40,893
so I need one truly great speech,
a forensically perceptive internal
203
00:09:41,683 --> 00:09:44,249
monologue on the utter nothingness
of existence
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00:09:44,334 --> 00:09:47,065
and the weary,
plodding progress of time.
205
00:09:47,150 --> 00:09:49,881
THEY BOTH SIGH
206
00:09:49,966 --> 00:09:53,401
But where am I to find inspiration
for such a speech?
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00:09:53,486 --> 00:09:57,198
Enveloped as we are in the utter
nothingness of existence
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00:09:57,283 --> 00:10:00,697
and the weary, plodding
progress of time.
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00:10:00,782 --> 00:10:04,672
Well, you must try, Mr Shakespeare.
We must both try to use this time
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00:10:04,878 --> 00:10:08,768
constructively. See it as a gift,
a unique opportunity.
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00:10:08,923 --> 00:10:12,537
I shall write a 12,000 line poem
and you must write the one
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00:10:12,622 --> 00:10:16,441
great speech that will raise
your Scottish play to genius.
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00:10:16,526 --> 00:10:20,416
Come, to our quills!
214
00:10:24,974 --> 00:10:28,601
KATE SIGHS
God, I'm bored!
215
00:10:28,686 --> 00:10:32,576
Locked in. Locked in,
month after month after month.
216
00:10:34,126 --> 00:10:36,729
Do you know it's nearly Christmas?
Goodness, is it really?
217
00:10:36,814 --> 00:10:40,704
Yes, I was keeping an Advent
calendar, but it was too depressing.
218
00:10:40,974 --> 00:10:43,833
Today, a little window
and tomorrow a little window.
219
00:10:43,918 --> 00:10:46,521
And tomorrow and tomorrow.
220
00:10:46,606 --> 00:10:50,297
Such a petty pace creeping
from day to day.
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00:10:50,382 --> 00:10:52,345
I know. Well put.
222
00:10:52,430 --> 00:10:55,353
When you think how many times
the city authorities assured us
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00:10:55,438 --> 00:10:57,977
that everything would be back
to normal by Christmas.
224
00:10:58,062 --> 00:11:01,113
And before that, it was going to be
back to normal by the summer.
225
00:11:01,198 --> 00:11:04,825
Remember those balmy days
last spring when we were assured
226
00:11:04,910 --> 00:11:07,321
that the plague was no worse
than the flu with
227
00:11:07,406 --> 00:11:08,985
pustulant bum boils?
228
00:11:09,070 --> 00:11:12,960
When each day the town crier brought
assurances that we can quickly beat
229
00:11:13,294 --> 00:11:17,184
this with English pluck and Armada
spirit, and we'll all be free
230
00:11:17,774 --> 00:11:21,337
and frolicking by June?Oh, and
we were all free and frolicking
231
00:11:21,422 --> 00:11:25,312
by June.For a week and a half.
Oh, ten glorious days!
232
00:11:25,483 --> 00:11:28,441
Mad frolicking! Potty frolicking!
233
00:11:28,526 --> 00:11:31,449
Everybody went completely
loopy doodah,
234
00:11:31,534 --> 00:11:34,521
the entire country utterly
arsing-mungled.
235
00:11:34,606 --> 00:11:36,121
Mingling willy nilly.
236
00:11:36,206 --> 00:11:39,129
God, I miss mingling my nilly
with a willy.
237
00:11:39,214 --> 00:11:41,305
I miss mingling my willy
with a nilly.
238
00:11:41,390 --> 00:11:43,518
And let's face it, Mr Shakespeare,
on occasion
239
00:11:43,603 --> 00:11:45,273
mingling your willy with a willy?
240
00:11:45,358 --> 00:11:47,769
How many more times, Kate?
The Earl of Southampton
241
00:11:47,854 --> 00:11:49,433
and I are just good friends.
242
00:11:49,518 --> 00:11:51,097
You write one sonnet.
243
00:11:51,182 --> 00:11:52,697
Uh, 27!
244
00:11:52,782 --> 00:11:56,672
But what a party it was!
One glorious crazed week
245
00:11:57,774 --> 00:11:59,801
and a half of drinks and debauching.
246
00:11:59,886 --> 00:12:03,257
And then the town crier sent us
all straight back into plaguey
247
00:12:03,342 --> 00:12:07,232
lock-in.The dreaded second wave.
Which killed the town crier.
248
00:12:07,374 --> 00:12:09,337
How many waves has it been now?
249
00:12:09,422 --> 00:12:12,857
I lost count about the time I lost
the will to futtocking live.
250
00:12:12,942 --> 00:12:14,393
15, I think.
251
00:12:14,478 --> 00:12:17,977
15 waves. In, out, in, out.
252
00:12:18,062 --> 00:12:19,897
Punctuated by brief periods
253
00:12:19,982 --> 00:12:23,872
of reckless and irresponsible
shaking it all about.
254
00:12:24,163 --> 00:12:28,053
But enough of idle chatter.
I must write my speech.Absolutely.
255
00:12:28,942 --> 00:12:32,441
Otherwise, your great Scottish play
will seem like a tale told
256
00:12:32,526 --> 00:12:34,398
by an idiot...Well,
I don't know about that.
257
00:12:34,483 --> 00:12:35,718
..full of sound and fury.
258
00:12:35,803 --> 00:12:38,969
Yes. Thank you...sig...
I get it, Kate!
259
00:12:39,054 --> 00:12:41,017
Now, can we please have
a little peace?
260
00:12:41,102 --> 00:12:44,992
Oh, well, pardon me for breathing.
261
00:12:48,590 --> 00:12:50,617
We are sharing this space,
you know.
262
00:12:50,702 --> 00:12:53,049
We did make the decision
to lock in together.
263
00:12:53,134 --> 00:12:55,161
We are both working from home.
264
00:12:55,246 --> 00:12:56,838
And I'm not stopping you.
265
00:12:56,923 --> 00:13:00,089
Just no more futtocking baking.
266
00:13:00,174 --> 00:13:03,318
I have produced some
very fine fruit loaves.Some?
267
00:13:03,403 --> 00:13:05,209
Kate, you've produced hundreds.
268
00:13:05,294 --> 00:13:07,038
There's only so much raisin bread
269
00:13:07,123 --> 00:13:10,038
two people can eat!We got through
all my date and walnut baguettes!
270
00:13:10,123 --> 00:13:12,569
Only because we used
them as draught excluders.
271
00:13:12,654 --> 00:13:16,158
I see you've already had two of
my fluffy scones.As a wobbly table
272
00:13:16,243 --> 00:13:17,881
wedge and a beer coaster.Oh!
273
00:13:17,966 --> 00:13:20,838
And while we're on the subject
of your locked-in culinary fetishes,
274
00:13:20,923 --> 00:13:23,641
promise me that you won't make
any more pickles.
275
00:13:23,726 --> 00:13:25,561
You said you liked my pickles!
276
00:13:25,646 --> 00:13:29,529
Yes, because who doesn't love an
impenetrably fibrous root vegetable
277
00:13:29,614 --> 00:13:32,985
suspended in vinegar.
Particularly 57 jars of them!
278
00:13:33,070 --> 00:13:36,761
I pretended to like your pickles
to stop you constantly asking me
279
00:13:36,846 --> 00:13:39,001
if I liked your pickles.
Didn't you get that?
280
00:13:39,086 --> 00:13:40,665
Just look out of the privy window.
281
00:13:40,750 --> 00:13:43,929
You'll see a huge pile of turnips
and mustard seed. That should give
282
00:13:44,014 --> 00:13:46,553
you a clue.Well, your home-brewed
mead be siphoned straight
283
00:13:46,638 --> 00:13:48,025
from the devil's cod-dangle!
284
00:13:48,110 --> 00:13:50,238
You drank it!Only because
we'd drank every other drop
285
00:13:50,323 --> 00:13:54,213
of alcohol in the house!
I am trying to work!So am I!
286
00:13:57,966 --> 00:13:59,289
Alas...
287
00:13:59,374 --> 00:14:00,761
It's a balcony singer!
288
00:14:00,846 --> 00:14:04,736
Oh, joy.Oh!
289
00:14:05,134 --> 00:14:07,545
Discourteously
290
00:14:07,630 --> 00:14:09,558
For I have loved you...
Oh!
291
00:14:09,643 --> 00:14:13,533
I remember when first his sweet song
was heard. So important,
292
00:14:14,862 --> 00:14:18,752
so empowering. We were all adjusting
to our new unfamiliar locked-in
293
00:14:19,726 --> 00:14:22,329
world, isolated and alone.
294
00:14:22,414 --> 00:14:26,304
And then a beautiful, solitary voice
rang out. People scurried
295
00:14:27,086 --> 00:14:30,558
to their doors and windows to listen
as the happy balcony singer
296
00:14:30,643 --> 00:14:33,721
shared his talent selflessly
and without thought of profit.
297
00:14:33,806 --> 00:14:37,696
How we cheered, how we danced
and waved to each other.
298
00:14:37,902 --> 00:14:40,057
A community once more.
299
00:14:40,142 --> 00:14:42,873
And then the bastable
did it again the next day.
300
00:14:42,958 --> 00:14:44,985
And again. And again.
301
00:14:45,070 --> 00:14:46,457
Yes.
302
00:14:46,542 --> 00:14:48,377
It did start to lose
its novelty a bit.
303
00:14:48,462 --> 00:14:51,918
Suddenly, he wasn't a selfless
unifier at all. Just a boring,
304
00:14:52,003 --> 00:14:54,521
loud-mouthed egotist showing off
on a balcony.
305
00:14:54,606 --> 00:14:58,398
A poor player strutting and fretting
his hour upon the stage.
306
00:14:58,483 --> 00:14:59,718
Greensleeves...
307
00:14:59,803 --> 00:15:02,478
Shut the futtock up,
you grimsome lovvie-kissie!
308
00:15:02,563 --> 00:15:04,158
Nobody cares any more!
309
00:15:04,243 --> 00:15:05,849
We are over it!
310
00:15:05,934 --> 00:15:06,873
Oh!
311
00:15:06,958 --> 00:15:09,198
SOBBING
312
00:15:09,283 --> 00:15:12,318
And is heard no more.
313
00:15:12,403 --> 00:15:14,718
That was a little harsh,
Mr Shakespeare.
314
00:15:14,803 --> 00:15:16,158
Art is still important.
315
00:15:16,243 --> 00:15:19,161
In fact, I was thinking
you should send a note
316
00:15:19,246 --> 00:15:22,878
to your celebrity friends,
Messrs Burbage, Condell and Kempe,
317
00:15:22,963 --> 00:15:26,137
suggesting some sort of shared
performance gesture,
318
00:15:26,222 --> 00:15:29,401
because surely what the nation
really needs right now
319
00:15:29,486 --> 00:15:31,577
is a group of pampered folderols
320
00:15:31,662 --> 00:15:35,358
making a public statement showing
how special they are and how deeply
321
00:15:35,443 --> 00:15:37,209
they feel about stuff.
322
00:15:37,294 --> 00:15:40,089
You don't think that might be viewed
as vainglorious signalling
323
00:15:40,174 --> 00:15:42,969
of personal virtue
and evidence of narcissism
324
00:15:43,054 --> 00:15:45,657
so all-consuming it
borders on mental illness?
325
00:15:45,742 --> 00:15:49,632
No, people aren't that cynical!
They see the good in things.
326
00:15:50,350 --> 00:15:52,953
Speaking of which -
Oh, my goodly godlingtons,
327
00:15:53,038 --> 00:15:56,928
I nearly forgot!
328
00:15:57,582 --> 00:16:01,472
SOLITARY CHEERING AND BANGING
329
00:16:13,582 --> 00:16:15,353
I have decided to stop clapping.
330
00:16:15,438 --> 00:16:19,328
No?!I think I must. It has been
only me for over a month.
331
00:16:20,046 --> 00:16:23,545
I had noticed.
It all started so joyfully,
332
00:16:23,630 --> 00:16:26,041
the whole town cheering
333
00:16:26,126 --> 00:16:29,689
the grotsome corpse collectors,
banging our pots,
334
00:16:29,774 --> 00:16:33,337
tooting our horns,
lord and groundling alike,
335
00:16:33,422 --> 00:16:36,025
all appearing in their doorways
once a week
336
00:16:36,110 --> 00:16:40,000
in a shared moment
of humble respect.
337
00:16:40,142 --> 00:16:43,833
And then it got a bit boring.
I'm afraid so.
338
00:16:43,918 --> 00:16:46,905
Slowly but surely,
the goodwill began to dissipate.
339
00:16:46,990 --> 00:16:50,297
Whispers were raised that while
it was all very well clapping
340
00:16:50,382 --> 00:16:53,241
the grotsome corpse collectors,
perhaps a greater mark of respect
341
00:16:53,326 --> 00:16:56,057
would be to pay them a decent wage
and provide them with slightly
342
00:16:56,142 --> 00:16:58,169
more substantial
protective clothing.
343
00:16:58,254 --> 00:16:59,961
People began to stop clapping.
344
00:17:00,046 --> 00:17:01,177
I only lasted a week.
345
00:17:01,262 --> 00:17:03,801
Happy, enthusiastic faces
in doorways
346
00:17:03,886 --> 00:17:06,809
turned to angry, resentful
ones behind curtains.
347
00:17:06,894 --> 00:17:08,921
Until only you remained, Kate.
348
00:17:09,006 --> 00:17:12,896
The last good soul in our parish,
banging your little iron saucepan
349
00:17:13,243 --> 00:17:17,133
with your little wooden spoon.
Ping, ping, ping.
350
00:17:17,923 --> 00:17:20,889
But it was important
and it mattered.
351
00:17:20,974 --> 00:17:23,961
We owe the grotsome corpse
collectors so much.
352
00:17:24,046 --> 00:17:27,097
Let us hope we remember
our debt in better times.
353
00:17:27,182 --> 00:17:29,657
I'm sure we will. For at heart,
354
00:17:29,742 --> 00:17:33,632
we are a generous and caring people,
sustained by love and common cause.
355
00:17:35,374 --> 00:17:38,361
Exactly. Well said.
356
00:17:38,446 --> 00:17:42,336
Oi, Jack Smidgens! I see you
sneaking around to Molly Trout's
357
00:17:42,542 --> 00:17:45,798
for a saucy frolic!
That is not an essential journey!
358
00:17:45,883 --> 00:17:48,985
It's futtocking essential to me,
you bald bastable!
359
00:17:49,070 --> 00:17:52,398
I am not bald!
I have a low face.
360
00:17:52,483 --> 00:17:55,449
Hey, you! Gertie Longirdle,
that's the third time you've walked
361
00:17:55,534 --> 00:17:58,521
your dog today! I shall report you
to the neighbourhood watch.
362
00:17:58,606 --> 00:18:00,377
Pervy, little snitching creep!
363
00:18:00,462 --> 00:18:02,718
I am not a pervy, little
snitching creep!
364
00:18:02,803 --> 00:18:06,265
I'm a concerned citizen monitoring
irresponsible dog walking.
365
00:18:06,350 --> 00:18:09,438
Haven't you heard? If you walk
your dog more than once a day,
366
00:18:09,523 --> 00:18:13,049
people will die!
367
00:18:13,134 --> 00:18:14,137
Incredible.
368
00:18:14,222 --> 00:18:16,057
I haven't seen my family in months.
369
00:18:16,142 --> 00:18:19,321
I missed my father's funeral.
I never even got the chance
370
00:18:19,406 --> 00:18:23,296
to say goodbye. And these utterly
selfish bastables can't constrain
371
00:18:23,923 --> 00:18:25,278
their dog walking,
372
00:18:25,363 --> 00:18:29,049
even though if they walk their dogs
too often, people will die.
373
00:18:29,134 --> 00:18:31,801
Although, to be fair, you
almost never see your family
374
00:18:31,886 --> 00:18:34,297
because you live in London
and they live in Stratford.
375
00:18:34,382 --> 00:18:38,272
And also, to be frank, you wouldn't
have said so much as goodbye
376
00:18:38,563 --> 00:18:41,118
to old Mr Shakespeare
as good riddance.
377
00:18:41,203 --> 00:18:44,985
Tis true. Dad was the least mourned
man in Stratford.
378
00:18:45,070 --> 00:18:47,609
The party went on all night.
379
00:18:47,694 --> 00:18:51,078
I felt sorry for my mum, though.
Anne wrote that she had
380
00:18:51,163 --> 00:18:52,729
to be helped away from the grave.
381
00:18:52,814 --> 00:18:54,265
Was she too distraught?
382
00:18:54,350 --> 00:18:56,569
No, she'd twisted an ankle
dancing on it.
383
00:18:56,654 --> 00:18:59,598
Well, Mr Shakespeare
was an old man.
384
00:18:59,683 --> 00:19:01,497
His time had come.
385
00:19:01,582 --> 00:19:05,472
Yes, that's what makes
bubonic plague so wicked.
386
00:19:05,934 --> 00:19:08,118
It disproportionately affects
the young.
387
00:19:08,203 --> 00:19:12,093
Yes, tis a fact that those
of 5 to 30 be most at risk
388
00:19:12,283 --> 00:19:14,809
with all their lives ahead of them.
389
00:19:14,894 --> 00:19:18,784
That is why the nation must act
selflessly to protect the young.
390
00:19:19,182 --> 00:19:21,337
If it were the other way round,
it wouldn't matter.
391
00:19:21,422 --> 00:19:23,961
A plague that only killed
the stooped and ancient
392
00:19:24,046 --> 00:19:26,329
and then but rarely would be fine.
393
00:19:26,414 --> 00:19:28,313
Those who had lived long and happy
394
00:19:28,398 --> 00:19:31,577
and supped full well already
on the resources of the world
395
00:19:31,662 --> 00:19:33,817
might easily shuffle off
this mortal coil
396
00:19:33,902 --> 00:19:36,569
a month or two early
without any great harm done.
397
00:19:36,654 --> 00:19:40,038
Tis hard to imagine any compelling
argument for such an equitably
398
00:19:40,123 --> 00:19:42,777
selective disease stopping
the nation in its tracks.
399
00:19:42,862 --> 00:19:45,081
Unless, of course, you were
vulnerable and elderly.
400
00:19:45,166 --> 00:19:46,681
Then you might think twice.
401
00:19:46,766 --> 00:19:50,238
Or if your granny was.
402
00:19:50,323 --> 00:19:53,657
Well, tis fortunate we are not
faced with such a moral dilemma.
403
00:19:53,742 --> 00:19:57,632
Yes, but if we ever were,
I like to think that the nation
404
00:19:57,966 --> 00:20:01,856
would still come together and
make great sacrifices to protect
405
00:20:02,254 --> 00:20:05,497
the weak, even though
they be but old and frail.
406
00:20:05,582 --> 00:20:07,673
Well, only time will tell, Kate.
407
00:20:07,758 --> 00:20:09,081
Only time will tell.
408
00:20:09,166 --> 00:20:11,769
And now I really must attempt
to write this speech.
409
00:20:11,854 --> 00:20:13,177
Yes, you must.
410
00:20:13,262 --> 00:20:17,152
I shall be quiet, I promise!
411
00:20:31,502 --> 00:20:35,001
I was thinking...Urgh...that
a really good way to pass the time
412
00:20:35,086 --> 00:20:38,976
might be, and this is going to sound
weird, so bear with me, to create
413
00:20:39,374 --> 00:20:43,264
a series of cutesomely wry
and self-aware semi-comical
414
00:20:43,854 --> 00:20:46,278
15-second dance routines.
415
00:20:46,363 --> 00:20:47,673
Not sure I get the point.
416
00:20:47,758 --> 00:20:49,081
Ah, but that is the point.
417
00:20:49,166 --> 00:20:50,681
It's a generational thing.
418
00:20:50,766 --> 00:20:52,921
I get it. And you don't.Get what?
419
00:20:53,006 --> 00:20:56,441
It.What?15-second dance routines
420
00:20:56,526 --> 00:20:59,641
so cutesomely wry, self-aware
and semi-comical
421
00:20:59,726 --> 00:21:03,097
that they baffle anyone
who doesn't get it.Get what?
422
00:21:03,182 --> 00:21:05,657
I can't explain. You're too old!
423
00:21:05,742 --> 00:21:08,793
Don't you see? You have to get it
to get it.
424
00:21:08,878 --> 00:21:10,777
Get what? Show me an example.
425
00:21:10,862 --> 00:21:14,752
All right. But it won't help.
426
00:21:15,086 --> 00:21:16,089
Ha! Heh!
427
00:21:16,174 --> 00:21:19,998
He! He! Hee! Woo!
428
00:21:20,083 --> 00:21:22,809
Woo! Oh! Woo! Oh! Wah!
429
00:21:22,894 --> 00:21:24,729
Oh! Ooh! Ah! Ooh!
430
00:21:24,814 --> 00:21:26,905
Hee-hee! Hee-hee! Hee-hee!
431
00:21:26,990 --> 00:21:30,105
Woo! Woo!
432
00:21:30,190 --> 00:21:31,769
See?
433
00:21:31,854 --> 00:21:33,369
Sorry, I still don't get it.
434
00:21:33,454 --> 00:21:36,377
I have absolutely no idea why
you are doing this silly dance
435
00:21:36,462 --> 00:21:40,352
that is so specifically a quarter of
a minute long.And you never will.
436
00:21:40,814 --> 00:21:44,377
No matter how many times I show
you or how often you make me
437
00:21:44,462 --> 00:21:48,281
try to explain it, to you it will
only ever be a tickle of a tune
438
00:21:48,366 --> 00:21:52,256
and a toggle of a dance, which
means nothing. But to me, young
439
00:21:52,846 --> 00:21:56,736
and knowingly self aware, I could
happily tickle-toggle all day.
440
00:21:57,902 --> 00:22:01,792
Of course, it would be even more
satisfying if there was some way
441
00:22:02,510 --> 00:22:06,009
that millions and millions of people
were able to watch me do it.
442
00:22:06,094 --> 00:22:08,057
Let's hope that day never dawns.
443
00:22:08,142 --> 00:22:10,361
It would be hard work indeed
finding the energy
444
00:22:10,446 --> 00:22:11,641
to write brilliant plays
445
00:22:11,726 --> 00:22:14,777
in a world where young people's
attention spans and intellectual
446
00:22:14,862 --> 00:22:18,198
ambition had shrunk to the point
where they ignored dense three-hour
447
00:22:18,283 --> 00:22:22,173
verse dramas in favour of 15 seconds
of tickle-toggling.
448
00:22:23,630 --> 00:22:27,520
Yes, I do see that.But since
that grim day be not yet here...
449
00:22:28,494 --> 00:22:32,384
Yes, yes! You must write
your big speech.
450
00:22:38,683 --> 00:22:40,398
I think I'll cut my hair.Oh!
451
00:22:40,483 --> 00:22:42,681
Nothing drastic.
Just give myself a fringe.
452
00:22:42,766 --> 00:22:45,918
Kate, you gave yourself new fringes
during the sixth, seventh
453
00:22:46,003 --> 00:22:47,417
and eighth waves.
454
00:22:47,502 --> 00:22:50,169
At one point, your forehead
was nearly as tall as mine.
455
00:22:50,254 --> 00:22:52,345
It looked better after I bleached it
with lemon juice.
456
00:22:52,430 --> 00:22:54,585
No, it didn't. Nor after
you'd shaved it into
457
00:22:54,670 --> 00:22:57,017
the style of the newly discovered
Mohawk tribe
458
00:22:57,102 --> 00:22:58,681
of the North American Seaboard.
459
00:22:58,766 --> 00:23:02,238
Now, seriously, Kate, I must
concentrate. If when the theatres
460
00:23:02,323 --> 00:23:06,213
finally reopen, my big new Scottish
play be short one brilliantly
461
00:23:06,403 --> 00:23:08,793
illuminating reflection on
the nothingness of existence
462
00:23:08,878 --> 00:23:10,329
and the pointless passage of time,
463
00:23:10,414 --> 00:23:13,401
the King will think the whole drama
shallow and sensationalist!
464
00:23:13,486 --> 00:23:16,345
Yes, I know. It is crucial you get
this speech right.But I can't
465
00:23:16,430 --> 00:23:19,673
concentrate on it because I'm adrift
in the nothingness of existence
466
00:23:19,758 --> 00:23:23,193
and the pointless passage of time!
Inspiration eludes me!
467
00:23:23,278 --> 00:23:26,073
And if I incur the King's
displeasure, he will give me
468
00:23:26,158 --> 00:23:29,478
a haircut so severe it will
include my entire head.
469
00:23:29,563 --> 00:23:31,998
Oh, my goodly godlingtons!
It's so obvious.
470
00:23:32,083 --> 00:23:34,521
What?This! This is your
inspiration!
471
00:23:34,606 --> 00:23:38,297
What?Us! Now! The nation
questioning the nothingness
472
00:23:38,382 --> 00:23:41,177
of existence and the pointless
passage of time.
473
00:23:41,262 --> 00:23:42,585
Draw your speech from that.
474
00:23:42,670 --> 00:23:44,478
Yes, Kate, of course!
475
00:23:44,563 --> 00:23:46,233
Absolutely. I can see it now.
476
00:23:46,318 --> 00:23:50,208
Macbeth, a once noble warrior,
corrupted by greed and the foul
477
00:23:50,606 --> 00:23:53,017
whispers of wraiths and witches,
his vaulting ambition
478
00:23:53,102 --> 00:23:55,577
come to naught,
his wife dead by her own hand,
479
00:23:55,662 --> 00:23:58,201
his kingdom assaulted,
all hope gone,
480
00:23:58,286 --> 00:24:01,337
decides to bake fruit bread,
give himself a funny haircut
481
00:24:01,422 --> 00:24:04,281
and create a wryly comic
15-second dance routine
482
00:24:04,366 --> 00:24:08,256
that you have to get
in order to get!
483
00:24:09,422 --> 00:24:13,312
I was only trying to help.
Well, please don't.
484
00:24:18,190 --> 00:24:20,921
But it hasn't all been pointless,
has it, Mr Shakespeare?
485
00:24:21,006 --> 00:24:24,896
What?The dreadful plague years of
1593 and 1603,
486
00:24:26,126 --> 00:24:30,016
when all the theatres shut,
assemblies were prescribed
487
00:24:30,163 --> 00:24:33,918
and the whole nation
huddled in its homes in fear?
488
00:24:34,003 --> 00:24:37,893
I like to think perhaps
it will cause a spiritual reset,
489
00:24:38,094 --> 00:24:41,984
a chance to step back and take stock
of the things we really value,
490
00:24:42,403 --> 00:24:44,857
that actually matter.
491
00:24:44,942 --> 00:24:48,798
Well, it's a nice thought.And,
also, perhaps it's given our
492
00:24:48,883 --> 00:24:52,773
tired old world a break from
restless human folly.
493
00:24:53,134 --> 00:24:56,889
After all, while we be locked
in our homes, there be no land
494
00:24:56,974 --> 00:25:00,857
cleared, no rivers dammed,
no forests felled.
495
00:25:00,942 --> 00:25:04,832
Nature has its moment and all God's
creatures a year without fear
496
00:25:05,742 --> 00:25:08,857
that man will destroy its
very habitat.
497
00:25:08,942 --> 00:25:11,609
That has to be a good thing,
doesn't it?
498
00:25:11,694 --> 00:25:13,401
Yes, Kate, it does.
499
00:25:13,486 --> 00:25:16,038
But it brings me no comfort, child.
500
00:25:16,123 --> 00:25:19,878
Because even if humanity
has by some miracle
501
00:25:19,963 --> 00:25:22,937
used this time to take stock of
the things that actually matter,
502
00:25:23,022 --> 00:25:26,718
and if perhaps nature has been given
momentary relief from its brutal
503
00:25:26,803 --> 00:25:29,977
servitude to man, it won't make
any difference
504
00:25:30,062 --> 00:25:33,625
because the second this is all over
and humanity is
505
00:25:33,710 --> 00:25:35,417
free to roam once more,
506
00:25:35,502 --> 00:25:39,392
we will be exactly as shallow
and facile and selfish
507
00:25:40,430 --> 00:25:44,057
and destructive as we ever were.
508
00:25:44,142 --> 00:25:46,361
We will have learnt nothing, Kate.
509
00:25:46,446 --> 00:25:48,857
Nothing.
510
00:25:48,942 --> 00:25:51,801
Because frankly, we never do.
511
00:25:51,886 --> 00:25:53,401
KATE SIGHS
512
00:25:53,486 --> 00:25:56,409
Unhappy thought indeed.
513
00:25:56,494 --> 00:25:58,038
Ah, me!
514
00:25:58,123 --> 00:26:02,013
Weary pass these sombre days.
515
00:26:02,382 --> 00:26:06,009
Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow
516
00:26:06,094 --> 00:26:09,984
creeps in this petty pace
from day to day to the last
517
00:26:11,022 --> 00:26:13,689
syllable of recorded time.
518
00:26:13,774 --> 00:26:17,664
And all our yesterdays have lighted
fools the way to dusty death.
519
00:26:19,243 --> 00:26:23,133
Out, out, brief candle.
520
00:26:24,163 --> 00:26:27,577
Life's but a walking shadow,
a poor player
521
00:26:27,662 --> 00:26:31,545
who struts and frets his hour
upon the stage...
522
00:26:31,630 --> 00:26:34,681
..and then is heard no more.
523
00:26:34,766 --> 00:26:38,656
Tis a tale told by an idiot,
full of sound and fury...
524
00:26:41,230 --> 00:26:45,120
..signifying nothing.
525
00:26:45,710 --> 00:26:49,600
SHE SIGHS
526
00:26:49,934 --> 00:26:52,038
Hang on.
527
00:26:52,123 --> 00:26:54,678
Hang the futtock on!
528
00:26:54,763 --> 00:26:56,121
What?
529
00:26:56,206 --> 00:27:00,096
Nothing. Just jotting something
down. You know, being brilliant.
530
00:27:00,494 --> 00:27:02,238
Well, you da bard!
531
00:27:02,323 --> 00:27:05,849
Oh, I'm da bard, all right!
532
00:27:05,934 --> 00:27:08,409
BELLS TOLL
Listen, Mr Shakespeare!
533
00:27:08,494 --> 00:27:12,384
I'd lost all track of days!
It's Christmas!
534
00:27:12,910 --> 00:27:15,678
By Saint Thomas's tiny testicles,
so it is!
535
00:27:15,763 --> 00:27:17,049
Merry Christmas, Kate!
536
00:27:17,134 --> 00:27:18,649
Merry Christmas.
537
00:27:18,734 --> 00:27:20,761
I'm afraid I have
no present for you.
538
00:27:20,846 --> 00:27:22,553
On the contrary, Kate.
539
00:27:22,638 --> 00:27:23,961
On the contrary.
540
00:27:24,046 --> 00:27:25,561
BELLS JINGLE
541
00:27:25,646 --> 00:27:29,536
Carol singers! Oh!
542
00:27:29,683 --> 00:27:32,238
CAROLLING
You see, Mr Shakespeare,
543
00:27:32,323 --> 00:27:35,929
community does count
and people need it more than ever!
544
00:27:36,014 --> 00:27:38,809
Coming together
to share in both their joy
545
00:27:38,894 --> 00:27:39,961
and their sorrow.
546
00:27:40,046 --> 00:27:42,521
But, Kate, that's all very well
but it's still irresponsible.
547
00:27:42,606 --> 00:27:45,017
Don't they realise
we're not supposed to mingle?
548
00:27:45,102 --> 00:27:48,992
It's all right. They're mingling
responsibly, look!
549
00:27:49,483 --> 00:27:52,825
Maintaining a two yard social
distance between each singer
550
00:27:52,910 --> 00:27:55,038
and all wearing plaguey beaks!
551
00:27:55,123 --> 00:27:57,497
A socially responsible Christmas.
552
00:27:57,582 --> 00:27:58,905
How wonderful!
553
00:27:58,990 --> 00:28:01,758
And just as much fun in its own way.
554
00:28:01,843 --> 00:28:04,281
Let us join them, Mr Shakespeare.
555
00:28:04,366 --> 00:28:08,256
Let us go outside and join our
community and stand together,
556
00:28:08,846 --> 00:28:12,736
two yards apart, suitably masked,
and raise our voices as one.
557
00:28:13,483 --> 00:28:17,373
Yes, Kate.For peace,
love and goodwill to all
558
00:28:17,486 --> 00:28:21,376
in the true spirit of Christmas!
559
00:28:22,734 --> 00:28:26,624
MUFFLED CAROL SINGING
560
00:28:27,305 --> 00:29:27,826
561
00:29:27,876 --> 00:29:32,426
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