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This programme contains strong language.
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Oh, for God's sake.
It's even out here as well.
3
00:00:05,920 --> 00:00:09,119
Sawdust everywhere, Alan.
What a mess. It's no' that bad.
4
00:00:09,120 --> 00:00:11,520
It's like a hamster's den, Alan.
Look at it.
5
00:00:15,480 --> 00:00:16,920
Right, come on.
6
00:00:19,080 --> 00:00:20,799
DOORBELL RINGS
7
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Did you put your pyjamas in here?
No.
8
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You what?
What were you going to sleep in?
9
00:00:25,720 --> 00:00:28,559
Just my pants. Oh, you cannae spend
the night at somebody else's house
10
00:00:28,560 --> 00:00:30,959
and sleep in your pants.
How no'?
11
00:00:30,960 --> 00:00:34,399
Cos we're guests, Alan. Will I go
back and get a pair of boxers?
12
00:00:34,400 --> 00:00:36,359
No, just leave it.
Christ's sake.
13
00:00:36,360 --> 00:00:39,759
And you watch your language while
you're in here as well, please.
14
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Sorry.
15
00:00:41,040 --> 00:00:43,039
Hi, there. How's it all going?
16
00:00:43,040 --> 00:00:44,879
Oh, don't ask. Dust everywhere.
17
00:00:44,880 --> 00:00:47,960
Oh, really? Aye. All the way up
the crack of my arse.
18
00:00:49,040 --> 00:00:51,560
Right. Well, in you come.
19
00:01:14,080 --> 00:01:16,759
Have you had a look in Next?
They've got some nice stuff.
20
00:01:16,760 --> 00:01:20,079
Oh, yeah. That's an idea.
My friend Maggie works there.
21
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:21,839
I get a discount.
Oh!
22
00:01:21,840 --> 00:01:24,199
I got pants for four pound, Eric.
Did you?
23
00:01:24,200 --> 00:01:26,719
Aye, good stretchy ones,
and a white vest,
24
00:01:26,720 --> 00:01:28,279
but it got sent back.
25
00:01:28,280 --> 00:01:30,839
She said it made me look like
I was in the BNP.
26
00:01:30,840 --> 00:01:33,599
Huh. I tell you where I like -
John Lewis.
27
00:01:33,600 --> 00:01:36,719
Oh, I like John Lewis.
Aye, they've got some nice stuff.
28
00:01:36,720 --> 00:01:38,680
Aye. Fucking dear, though, Eric.
29
00:01:40,160 --> 00:01:44,040
OK, everyone done?
That was lovely, Beth, thanks.
30
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SHE CLEARS THROAT
Oh, thanks very much, Beth.
31
00:01:48,560 --> 00:01:51,079
I thoroughly enjoyed that.
You're very welcome.
32
00:01:51,080 --> 00:01:54,199
Your mash was brilliant.
Dead smooth.
33
00:01:54,200 --> 00:01:57,000
Normally, I've got to squash
the lumps out of hers with a fork.
34
00:01:58,440 --> 00:02:02,319
Oh, did I give you too many carrots?
Oh, no, I don't really eat veg.
35
00:02:02,320 --> 00:02:05,879
No? Oh, I'm always on at him to try
and eat better, Beth.
36
00:02:05,880 --> 00:02:08,039
Oh, I'm just the same with Eric.
37
00:02:08,040 --> 00:02:10,119
She's always on at me, full stop.
38
00:02:10,120 --> 00:02:11,919
Aye, so is she!
39
00:02:11,920 --> 00:02:14,159
Women, eh, Eric?
40
00:02:14,160 --> 00:02:15,680
Pain in the arse.
41
00:02:18,160 --> 00:02:19,680
DOORBELL RINGS
42
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Christine.
Do you like rhubarb?
43
00:02:29,840 --> 00:02:33,679
Eh?
Rhubarb. Do you like rhubarb?
44
00:02:33,680 --> 00:02:35,519
Erm, I don't mind it.
45
00:02:35,520 --> 00:02:37,719
Ho-ho-ho! Look at this!
46
00:02:37,720 --> 00:02:40,199
Oh!
It's out of Pat's garden.
47
00:02:40,200 --> 00:02:43,279
It's rampant in behind her hut.
Right.
48
00:02:43,280 --> 00:02:44,799
She didn't even know it was there.
49
00:02:44,800 --> 00:02:48,359
She only discovered it when she went
up to tip the oil out of her fryer.
50
00:02:48,360 --> 00:02:51,079
Aye, I see.
Aye. Well, where will I put it?
51
00:02:51,080 --> 00:02:53,399
Sorry?
Where'll I put it?
52
00:02:53,400 --> 00:02:55,599
Maybe put it in the kitchen for now, eh?
53
00:02:55,600 --> 00:02:59,159
She says she's washed it, but I've
seen cats go in behind that hut
54
00:02:59,160 --> 00:03:00,720
with their tails up.
55
00:03:05,800 --> 00:03:07,559
Oh, hi, Christine.
56
00:03:07,560 --> 00:03:08,839
Do yous like rhubarb?
57
00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:10,599
Sorry?
Rhubarb.
58
00:03:10,600 --> 00:03:13,439
I've got rhubarb here
fae Pat's garden. Oh.
59
00:03:13,440 --> 00:03:15,879
Look at that, Eric.
Oh, aye.
60
00:03:15,880 --> 00:03:18,999
Let's see it. Are you a rhubarb man,
are you, Alan?
61
00:03:19,000 --> 00:03:21,479
Naw.
Smells a bit funny, does it no'?
62
00:03:21,480 --> 00:03:24,559
I'll just take it through to the
kitchen and give it a quick wash.
63
00:03:24,560 --> 00:03:26,599
So, does she grow a lot of stuff,
then, does she?
64
00:03:26,600 --> 00:03:28,959
No, she didn't even know it was there.
65
00:03:28,960 --> 00:03:31,239
We think it's maybe all come from a seed
66
00:03:31,240 --> 00:03:33,640
that was dropped in a bird shite.
67
00:03:36,520 --> 00:03:41,039
So, how are you doing, Christine?
Och, no' bad, Michelle, no' bad.
68
00:03:41,040 --> 00:03:43,759
And how's your daughter getting on?
Aye, she's all right.
69
00:03:43,760 --> 00:03:47,239
She's still living in Wales,
and she's got a urine infection.
70
00:03:47,240 --> 00:03:50,399
Don't know which one's worse.
What about yourselves?
71
00:03:50,400 --> 00:03:53,359
Oh, busy, busy. Just trying to get
this house in order.
72
00:03:53,360 --> 00:03:55,319
Oh, aye, what's the latest?
73
00:03:55,320 --> 00:03:58,039
Sanding the floors.
What you sanding the floors for?
74
00:03:58,040 --> 00:03:59,839
Well, we're going to strip them
right back,
75
00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:01,959
and then we're going to varnish them.
76
00:04:01,960 --> 00:04:05,879
Eh? We're gonnae have wooden floors.
What, nae carpets?
77
00:04:05,880 --> 00:04:08,799
Nope.
Bare wood floors?
78
00:04:08,800 --> 00:04:12,719
I really like it. I think
it's, like, really natural.
79
00:04:12,720 --> 00:04:16,919
I'll tell you what's natural, love.
A fucking carpet in your hoose.
80
00:04:16,920 --> 00:04:19,279
Michelle, would you like a cup
of tea? Oh, I won't, thanks.
81
00:04:19,280 --> 00:04:22,679
It's too late for me, but I'll maybe
take a glass of water to my bed,
82
00:04:22,680 --> 00:04:25,239
if that's OK.
Are you staying the night?
83
00:04:25,240 --> 00:04:29,359
We are. Beth and Eric very kindly
offered us a room for the night,
84
00:04:29,360 --> 00:04:31,799
seeing as there's so much dust
and stuff in that house.
85
00:04:31,800 --> 00:04:34,759
No problem, Michelle.
We were gonnae go to a hotel.
86
00:04:34,760 --> 00:04:37,439
My mate gets a discount
on one in East Kilbride,
87
00:04:37,440 --> 00:04:39,720
where he takes a girl out his office
at lunchtime.
88
00:04:42,720 --> 00:04:45,999
Anyway, it's just for tonight.
The dust drives me nuts.
89
00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:48,759
I actually think I might be
a wee bit asthmatic.
90
00:04:48,760 --> 00:04:51,439
I've got an inhaler
that I found on the bus.
91
00:04:51,440 --> 00:04:53,839
Do you want me to nip next door
and see if I can find it?
92
00:04:53,840 --> 00:04:56,159
Oh, no, no.
Don't go to any trouble.
93
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Fair enough.
Does it not bother you, Alan?
94
00:04:58,880 --> 00:05:00,479
I mean, you've been in there all day.
95
00:05:00,480 --> 00:05:02,479
No, I've had one of they wee masks on.
96
00:05:02,480 --> 00:05:04,679
Ah, that stops the dust going up
your nose, doesn't it?
97
00:05:04,680 --> 00:05:07,279
Aye. Doesnae stop it fae
going up your arse, though.
98
00:05:07,280 --> 00:05:08,640
Eh... Uh-huh.
99
00:05:18,200 --> 00:05:20,239
Good big mugs you've got, Beth.
100
00:05:20,240 --> 00:05:22,839
Oh, right. Glad you like them.
101
00:05:22,840 --> 00:05:25,879
I've got a big one I sometimes
have my soup in, Alan.
102
00:05:25,880 --> 00:05:28,479
Oh, have you?
Aye, a big Sports Direct one.
103
00:05:28,480 --> 00:05:30,519
Pat got me it for my birthday.
104
00:05:30,520 --> 00:05:32,600
Eric, Sports Direct.
105
00:05:35,840 --> 00:05:38,119
Er...
106
00:05:38,120 --> 00:05:39,839
Aye, it's good in there.
107
00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:42,559
Good for bags.
I'm needing a new bag.
108
00:05:42,560 --> 00:05:44,919
Aye? Well, you should go in there,
then.
109
00:05:44,920 --> 00:05:46,959
Aye, but is it bags or rucksacks?
110
00:05:46,960 --> 00:05:49,599
Well, just...
Because I'm no' wanting a rucksack.
111
00:05:49,600 --> 00:05:52,239
No?
No, I'm carrying enough on my front
112
00:05:52,240 --> 00:05:54,480
without sticking a load
on my back as well.
113
00:05:57,720 --> 00:05:59,919
Oh, here, let me do that.
No, no.
114
00:05:59,920 --> 00:06:02,359
Och, leave it, Michelle, she'll do it.
115
00:06:02,360 --> 00:06:05,159
No, honestly, Beth.
It's just a few mugs.
116
00:06:05,160 --> 00:06:08,319
I feel like we've sat here all night
and done absolutely nothing.
117
00:06:08,320 --> 00:06:10,519
Aye. It's been brilliant.
118
00:06:10,520 --> 00:06:12,000
ERIC CHUCKLES
119
00:06:19,000 --> 00:06:21,079
Honestly, you didn't need to bother.
120
00:06:21,080 --> 00:06:23,159
Oh, no, it's the least I can do.
121
00:06:23,160 --> 00:06:25,919
In fact, see as soon as we're all
sorted, Beth,
122
00:06:25,920 --> 00:06:28,159
I'm going to treat you to a bite to eat.
123
00:06:28,160 --> 00:06:30,879
Michelle!
No arguments. I insist.
124
00:06:30,880 --> 00:06:34,559
You know, there's a great wee place
in town does a lovely afternoon tea.
125
00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:37,199
Beautiful cakes and pastries and stuff.
126
00:06:37,200 --> 00:06:39,879
Sounds very nice.
I think you'll really like it.
127
00:06:39,880 --> 00:06:42,159
I've been with Alan,
but I've been meaning to go back.
128
00:06:42,160 --> 00:06:45,759
Food was good, was it?
Yeah. Well, the bits I had, yeah.
129
00:06:45,760 --> 00:06:48,439
You know what Alan's like.
130
00:06:48,440 --> 00:06:52,799
Even a bit of linoleum, Alan -
but bare floorboards?
131
00:06:52,800 --> 00:06:56,559
Why don't you just shift your toilet
oot into a hut while you're at it?
132
00:06:56,560 --> 00:07:00,639
Listen, we should really be getting
up to our beds and get out your way.
133
00:07:00,640 --> 00:07:03,959
Oh, no, not at all, Michelle.
Sit as long as you want.
134
00:07:03,960 --> 00:07:08,479
Eric, you ever sit in a chair
all day and just watch cartoons?
135
00:07:08,480 --> 00:07:11,879
No, no, we'll go up the stairs and
give you some time to yourselves.
136
00:07:11,880 --> 00:07:15,399
Ah, bless you, Michelle.
You get away up, hen,
137
00:07:15,400 --> 00:07:17,920
and I'll get a couple of hours
with Beth, one to one.
138
00:07:19,880 --> 00:07:21,879
Oh, ya bastard!
Alan!
139
00:07:21,880 --> 00:07:24,079
Sorry, I've got sawdust
right up my arsehole.
140
00:07:24,080 --> 00:07:26,759
Oh, you cannae go to your bed like that.
141
00:07:26,760 --> 00:07:28,439
Some of it's coming oot.
142
00:07:28,440 --> 00:07:33,159
Oh, Michelle, you'll no' get
a wink, him lying next to you,
143
00:07:33,160 --> 00:07:35,039
clawing at himself like that.
144
00:07:35,040 --> 00:07:38,399
It's everywhere! It'll get all over
your sheets, Beth.
145
00:07:38,400 --> 00:07:40,559
Oh, we'll get up early.
I'll strip the bed, Beth.
146
00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:42,599
We'll take them and wash them.
No, no.
147
00:07:42,600 --> 00:07:44,439
Don't be daft. We'll see to that.
148
00:07:44,440 --> 00:07:47,679
If it gets into your mattress,
then you know what'll happen next.
149
00:07:47,680 --> 00:07:49,999
What?
Mites.
150
00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:52,959
And then you'll all have your hands
doon your pants.
151
00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:56,119
Would you like a shower, Alan?
It is bad.
152
00:07:56,120 --> 00:07:59,039
Oh, has he been working in there
all day?
153
00:07:59,040 --> 00:08:00,399
Well, yeah.
154
00:08:00,400 --> 00:08:03,079
Oh, well, it's no' a shower
you're needing, son.
155
00:08:03,080 --> 00:08:05,799
It's a hot bath, a good hot bath,
156
00:08:05,800 --> 00:08:09,479
soak your muscles
and then clean oot your bum.
157
00:08:09,480 --> 00:08:11,959
You're welcome to a bath
if you'd like, Alan.
158
00:08:11,960 --> 00:08:14,199
No, no. He can have a quick shower.
159
00:08:14,200 --> 00:08:17,359
I dae prefer a bath.
Have a bath if you want, Alan.
160
00:08:17,360 --> 00:08:19,239
I'll run you a bath. No bother.
161
00:08:19,240 --> 00:08:20,959
MICHELLE SIGHS
162
00:08:20,960 --> 00:08:23,679
I do sympathise with you, Alan.
163
00:08:23,680 --> 00:08:27,679
I got a large amount of sand trapped
in my swimsuit when I was in
164
00:08:27,680 --> 00:08:31,920
the Algarve. It took Sophie hours to
clean me off with the shower head.
165
00:08:38,520 --> 00:08:40,440
WATER RUNS
166
00:08:42,240 --> 00:08:44,719
OK, and there's more towels there
if you need them.
167
00:08:44,720 --> 00:08:46,319
Right. Thanks, Beth.
168
00:08:46,320 --> 00:08:49,319
And just help yourself
to shower gel and what have you.
169
00:08:49,320 --> 00:08:50,799
Have you got Lynx?
170
00:08:50,800 --> 00:08:52,319
Er, no.
171
00:08:52,320 --> 00:08:53,999
Is it Boots?
172
00:08:54,000 --> 00:08:56,440
I don't know.
Never mind.
173
00:08:57,800 --> 00:09:02,119
All right? Aye, well, I was just
thinking, once I come oot my bath
174
00:09:02,120 --> 00:09:05,119
and I've dried myself, what am I
going to put on? What do you mean?
175
00:09:05,120 --> 00:09:07,119
Well, I cannae put this stuff back on.
176
00:09:07,120 --> 00:09:09,039
Did you not bring
anything else with you?
177
00:09:09,040 --> 00:09:10,719
No, I was just gonnae sleep in my pants,
178
00:09:10,720 --> 00:09:13,399
but it's the dust INSIDE my pants
that's making me itchy.
179
00:09:13,400 --> 00:09:16,399
OK. Well, I can probably lend
you a pair of Eric's pyjamas.
180
00:09:16,400 --> 00:09:18,999
No, I can't wear jammies.
Why not?
181
00:09:19,000 --> 00:09:21,039
They make my legs too hot.
182
00:09:21,040 --> 00:09:23,520
OK, so, what about a dressing gown?
183
00:09:26,960 --> 00:09:31,399
Aye. OK. So, you put on
Eric's dressing gown, and...
184
00:09:31,400 --> 00:09:34,439
Aye, I'll put that on to come doon
and say night-night,
185
00:09:34,440 --> 00:09:36,400
and then I'll just sleep in the buff.
186
00:09:37,960 --> 00:09:41,039
Rhubarb crumble, rhubarb yoghurt,
187
00:09:41,040 --> 00:09:44,599
and then sometimes,
I just like to keep it simple.
188
00:09:44,600 --> 00:09:48,559
Just stewed, with a wee bit
of custard, Michelle.
189
00:09:48,560 --> 00:09:51,839
Then, of course,
there's your rhubarb chutney.
190
00:09:51,840 --> 00:09:55,119
That, with a big bit of your good
Cathedral City -
191
00:09:55,120 --> 00:09:56,999
oh, now you're talking.
192
00:09:57,000 --> 00:09:58,719
DOORBELL RINGS
193
00:09:58,720 --> 00:10:00,680
Who's that?
I'll get it!
194
00:10:03,600 --> 00:10:06,239
Hey!
Hi, Colin.
195
00:10:06,240 --> 00:10:11,559
Beth. Cathy and I have just been
for a meal.
196
00:10:11,560 --> 00:10:12,599
Right.
197
00:10:12,600 --> 00:10:17,439
Veal, Beth. Absolutely incredible.
198
00:10:17,440 --> 00:10:21,679
Some size of portions as well.
Cathy actually couldnae finish hers.
199
00:10:21,680 --> 00:10:25,239
Well, she could, but she wanted
to leave space for a bit more wine.
200
00:10:25,240 --> 00:10:26,359
Really?
201
00:10:26,360 --> 00:10:30,919
Anyway, the wee waiter guy
comes along to clean up the plates,
202
00:10:30,920 --> 00:10:34,559
and he says, "Are you wanting that
away with you in a wee bag?"
203
00:10:34,560 --> 00:10:37,999
And Cathy says, "No, you're all right.
204
00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:40,639
"We don't eat leftovers."
205
00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:45,959
And I says, "Hang on, Cath,
we don't eat leftovers,
206
00:10:45,960 --> 00:10:49,639
"but we know a woman who does!"
207
00:10:49,640 --> 00:10:51,359
Ah!
208
00:10:51,360 --> 00:10:55,760
Er... Thank you, Colin.
209
00:10:57,040 --> 00:10:58,120
Yeah.
210
00:11:01,720 --> 00:11:03,359
Would you like to come in?
211
00:11:03,360 --> 00:11:04,999
Er, Alan and Michelle are here.
212
00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:11,319
Is she? I mean, are they?
Right, wait. I'll just text Cath.
213
00:11:11,320 --> 00:11:12,879
See if she's finished.
214
00:11:12,880 --> 00:11:14,919
Where is she?
Mmm?
215
00:11:14,920 --> 00:11:17,520
Oh, she's just nipped in to be sick.
216
00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:22,240
ALAN SQUEAKS AGAINST BATHTUB
217
00:11:24,880 --> 00:11:26,480
WATER SPLASHES
218
00:11:28,160 --> 00:11:31,279
Hello, hello.
Hi, everyone.
219
00:11:31,280 --> 00:11:34,759
Hi, Cathy.
Oh, there's Michelle. Hi, Michelle.
220
00:11:34,760 --> 00:11:36,839
We've been eating veal.
Oh.
221
00:11:36,840 --> 00:11:40,039
How are you doing, Michelle?
You're looking well.
222
00:11:40,040 --> 00:11:41,959
What have you been eating?
Veal.
223
00:11:41,960 --> 00:11:44,639
It's cow before it's beef, Christine.
224
00:11:44,640 --> 00:11:47,279
Eric, bit of veal?
Aye, I don't mind it.
225
00:11:47,280 --> 00:11:50,319
Well, Beth's got a bit in there
for you. Tender as anything.
226
00:11:50,320 --> 00:11:53,159
I mean, you know, they have
a rough time in those trucks,
227
00:11:53,160 --> 00:11:57,799
but it really is worth it.
Oh, this is your lucky night, Beth.
228
00:11:57,800 --> 00:12:00,439
I brought her in a big load of rhubarb,
229
00:12:00,440 --> 00:12:03,759
and now you're coming in
and giving her meat!
230
00:12:03,760 --> 00:12:05,479
Do you like rhubarb, Cathy?
231
00:12:05,480 --> 00:12:07,839
No.
Tea or coffee, anyone?
232
00:12:07,840 --> 00:12:10,639
Oh, I had a coffee
at the restaurant, Beth,
233
00:12:10,640 --> 00:12:14,199
so it'll just need to be a glass
of wine for me.
234
00:12:14,200 --> 00:12:16,519
Right. Colin?
Tea.
235
00:12:16,520 --> 00:12:19,359
No, coff... No, actually, I'll...
236
00:12:19,360 --> 00:12:21,919
I'll have a glass of wine, too.
237
00:12:21,920 --> 00:12:26,039
So, what brings you in here tonight,
then, Michelle?
238
00:12:26,040 --> 00:12:28,359
Oh, we're doing a bit of work
in the house, and Beth said
239
00:12:28,360 --> 00:12:31,520
we could stay, just cos there's
quite a lot of mess.
240
00:12:32,560 --> 00:12:35,919
You're staying the night?
Yeah.
241
00:12:35,920 --> 00:12:37,639
Colin, she's staying the night.
242
00:12:37,640 --> 00:12:39,639
Aye, Alan's up having a bath.
243
00:12:39,640 --> 00:12:42,200
Alan's having a bath?!
COLIN: You in next, Michelle?
244
00:12:43,760 --> 00:12:45,879
Well, why is Alan having a bath?
245
00:12:45,880 --> 00:12:48,319
Well, he's...
Dusty baws, Cathy.
246
00:12:48,320 --> 00:12:50,599
What is it you're doing to the house?
247
00:12:50,600 --> 00:12:52,199
Oh, sanding the floors.
248
00:12:52,200 --> 00:12:55,559
Aye, they're having wooden floors,
wi' no carpet.
249
00:12:55,560 --> 00:12:57,919
Oh, sounds smashing!
250
00:12:57,920 --> 00:13:00,599
Yeah, it's great for sliding
in your socks, eh, Michelle?
251
00:13:00,600 --> 00:13:02,199
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, what...?
252
00:13:02,200 --> 00:13:03,919
What is it you're doing again, Michelle?
253
00:13:03,920 --> 00:13:06,799
Well, we've got rid of all of
the carpets, and we're sanding
254
00:13:06,800 --> 00:13:08,879
the floors,
and then going to varnish them,
255
00:13:08,880 --> 00:13:11,319
and get some nice big rugs to go down.
256
00:13:11,320 --> 00:13:13,599
But that... That sounds quite nice,
Colin.
257
00:13:13,600 --> 00:13:15,679
Hang aboot, hang aboot.
258
00:13:15,680 --> 00:13:19,279
You're getting rid of a carpet,
sanding a floor,
259
00:13:19,280 --> 00:13:22,239
and then putting a rug doon
on top of it?
260
00:13:22,240 --> 00:13:24,719
This is fucking madness.
261
00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:27,279
Why didn't you just go to a hotel,
Michelle?
262
00:13:27,280 --> 00:13:29,559
Oh, well, Beth offered.
263
00:13:29,560 --> 00:13:32,919
No, I offered her and Alan
if they wanted to stay the night.
264
00:13:32,920 --> 00:13:35,719
Stay any time you want.
It's been a good wee night.
265
00:13:35,720 --> 00:13:38,719
Oh, has it, Eric, yeah?
Oh, that's nice. Yeah.
266
00:13:38,720 --> 00:13:40,999
Yeah, nice for you too, Michelle,
267
00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:43,559
sitting there while Beth
runs around after you.
268
00:13:43,560 --> 00:13:47,199
Oh, well, I've told her I'll
treat her to a nice afternoon tea,
269
00:13:47,200 --> 00:13:49,919
just to see thanks.
Oh, there's one they do, Beth,
270
00:13:49,920 --> 00:13:52,399
where you get a glass of prosecco
along with it.
271
00:13:52,400 --> 00:13:55,239
We'll maybe do that, eh?
I'd love that.
272
00:13:55,240 --> 00:13:58,119
All right?
Hey, look who it is!
273
00:13:58,120 --> 00:14:00,199
How you doing?
You had your bath?
274
00:14:00,200 --> 00:14:02,479
I did, aye.
Oh, hi, Alan. Look at you
275
00:14:02,480 --> 00:14:06,160
in your big dressing gown,
like a freshly bathed baby.
276
00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:11,079
Is that you got it all cleared oot?
Aye. I feel better.
277
00:14:11,080 --> 00:14:14,159
Mm. Did you get some talcum powder
on, did you?
278
00:14:14,160 --> 00:14:18,640
See, I like that after a bath,
Michelle. Helps your pants slide up.
279
00:14:19,760 --> 00:14:21,839
What'll I dae with these?
What is it?
280
00:14:21,840 --> 00:14:24,879
Well, it's the stuff I had on. Well,
are you no' gonnae put it back on?
281
00:14:24,880 --> 00:14:26,719
Well, I cannae.
Why?
282
00:14:26,720 --> 00:14:29,759
Well, it's all covered in dust.
What's the matter?
283
00:14:29,760 --> 00:14:31,959
Eh, this is all the stuff I was wearing.
284
00:14:31,960 --> 00:14:34,079
Oh, well, you'll need
to get that washed.
285
00:14:34,080 --> 00:14:36,679
His pants were full of sawdust, Colin.
286
00:14:36,680 --> 00:14:39,199
Oor machine's oot the back door
at the minute, so...
287
00:14:39,200 --> 00:14:41,079
We're waiting on a new one
getting delivered.
288
00:14:41,080 --> 00:14:44,079
Well, Beth'll stick it in the wash
for you, will you no'?
289
00:14:44,080 --> 00:14:45,879
Erm, no, honestly.
290
00:14:45,880 --> 00:14:48,039
Well, are you wanting them washed, Alan?
291
00:14:48,040 --> 00:14:50,999
Aye, at least let her do your pants,
freshen them up.
292
00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:53,439
Give them to me, Alan.
I'll put them in my handbag.
293
00:14:53,440 --> 00:14:55,599
Oh! Pants in your handbag, Michelle?
294
00:14:55,600 --> 00:14:57,879
Not the first time you've done that, eh?
295
00:14:57,880 --> 00:15:01,319
Remember that time when we were in
Caffe Nero, and I had to go in
296
00:15:01,320 --> 00:15:03,319
and take my pants off, Beth?
297
00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:04,559
BETH SIGHS
298
00:15:04,560 --> 00:15:07,439
Look, just give them to me. I'll
stick them in the washing machine,
299
00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:09,200
and then shove them in the dryer.
300
00:15:23,200 --> 00:15:24,560
Thanks, Beth.
301
00:15:29,960 --> 00:15:34,079
So, the next thing I see is this cat
sneaking along
302
00:15:34,080 --> 00:15:37,919
behind the hut,
tail straight up in the air,
303
00:15:37,920 --> 00:15:41,439
one thing and one thing only
on its mind.
304
00:15:41,440 --> 00:15:44,319
Where's the best spot for a quiet pish?
305
00:15:44,320 --> 00:15:48,759
Beth, Beth, remember that time
we went to the B&Q together?
306
00:15:48,760 --> 00:15:52,480
Er, yes...
That was such a laugh!
307
00:15:54,240 --> 00:15:58,119
Oh, do you remember we went to the
Mazda garage on the way back too?
308
00:15:58,120 --> 00:15:59,280
Oh!
309
00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:04,919
We've been through a lot together,
Michelle. Mm.
310
00:16:04,920 --> 00:16:06,800
Yeah. We've even...
311
00:16:09,760 --> 00:16:11,440
There's other shops we've been to.
312
00:16:14,800 --> 00:16:18,399
Look, I might head up to my bed,
if that's all right, now, Beth.
313
00:16:18,400 --> 00:16:22,479
Alan, are you coming? Oh, she's
wanting you up the stairs, Alan!
314
00:16:22,480 --> 00:16:25,679
Sight of those big milky legs
in the dressing gown
315
00:16:25,680 --> 00:16:27,159
got you going, has it, Michelle?
316
00:16:27,160 --> 00:16:29,439
Eric, get your earplugs in!
317
00:16:29,440 --> 00:16:31,639
Don't go at it too hard, Alan.
318
00:16:31,640 --> 00:16:34,559
I'm just through the wall
fae that spare room.
319
00:16:34,560 --> 00:16:36,919
Alan... I can even hear
some of Eric's farts.
320
00:16:36,920 --> 00:16:39,119
You no' having a glass
of wine, Alan? Yeah!
321
00:16:39,120 --> 00:16:40,559
Have a glass of wine, Alan.
322
00:16:40,560 --> 00:16:41,999
I don't like wine.
323
00:16:42,000 --> 00:16:47,439
Well, how about a nice big
glass of milk before bedtime?
324
00:16:47,440 --> 00:16:48,999
Aye, I like milk.
325
00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:50,599
Well, look, I'm going up to my bed.
326
00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:54,239
You can come up whenever you like.
I'll show you upstairs, Michelle.
327
00:16:54,240 --> 00:16:58,000
You stay and have your milk, Alan.
328
00:17:07,280 --> 00:17:08,719
Right, there you go.
329
00:17:08,720 --> 00:17:10,879
And the bathroom's just
through there on your left.
330
00:17:10,880 --> 00:17:13,799
Oh, that's brilliant. Thanks.
Do you need an alarm or anything?
331
00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:15,879
Oh, no. I wake up early anyway.
332
00:17:15,880 --> 00:17:17,519
Oh, me too. I'm the same.
333
00:17:17,520 --> 00:17:21,079
Sorry to interrupt, Beth. It's just
that Christine and Alan
334
00:17:21,080 --> 00:17:23,999
were wondering, could they have
a hot chocolate?
335
00:17:24,000 --> 00:17:26,399
Oh, right. Well, tell them
I'll be down in a minute.
336
00:17:26,400 --> 00:17:28,520
Righto, Beth. Will do.
337
00:17:29,600 --> 00:17:32,439
Oh, I love this room, Michelle.
338
00:17:32,440 --> 00:17:36,119
Do you?
Mm. I stayed in here a few times.
339
00:17:36,120 --> 00:17:37,559
Oh, I've been sick on that rug.
340
00:17:37,560 --> 00:17:40,479
Right. So, have you got everything
you need, then, Michelle?
341
00:17:40,480 --> 00:17:42,039
Oh, I'm fine, thanks.
342
00:17:42,040 --> 00:17:44,039
We'll be really quiet downstairs.
343
00:17:44,040 --> 00:17:45,959
Shh! Well, we'll try.
344
00:17:45,960 --> 00:17:48,639
Can't promise anything, because
when me and Beth get together,
345
00:17:48,640 --> 00:17:50,719
all bets are off!
346
00:17:50,720 --> 00:17:52,480
She's a fucking headcase.
347
00:18:02,120 --> 00:18:04,999
Aye, give it a good big squirt, Beth.
348
00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:07,519
Let me do it, let me do it!
349
00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:09,599
Oh, look at that, Alan, huh?
350
00:18:09,600 --> 00:18:11,080
Yummy!
351
00:18:12,280 --> 00:18:13,679
SHE IMITATES CREAM SQUIRTING
352
00:18:13,680 --> 00:18:17,079
Careful, Cathy!
He's got nothing on underneath that.
353
00:18:17,080 --> 00:18:18,799
Have you not, Alan?
354
00:18:18,800 --> 00:18:20,119
SHE IMITATES CREAM SQUIRTING
355
00:18:20,120 --> 00:18:22,519
Oh, big creamy willy.
356
00:18:22,520 --> 00:18:23,959
Cathy, leave him alone.
357
00:18:23,960 --> 00:18:26,599
Aye, we'd better watch here.
Could be a full moon tonight.
358
00:18:26,600 --> 00:18:27,879
CATHY HOWLS
359
00:18:27,880 --> 00:18:29,999
Keep it down! Michelle's asleep.
360
00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:31,359
Sorry, Michelle!
361
00:18:31,360 --> 00:18:32,439
Cathy!
362
00:18:32,440 --> 00:18:35,919
She was looking tired.
I could see her eyes drooping
363
00:18:35,920 --> 00:18:39,199
when we were discussing the chutney.
Mm.
364
00:18:39,200 --> 00:18:40,839
Alan, would you like another squirt?
365
00:18:40,840 --> 00:18:42,080
Aye, on you go.
366
00:18:43,880 --> 00:18:46,239
Oh! This is a treat for me,
so it is.
367
00:18:46,240 --> 00:18:48,199
Is it, Alan?
Aye, Michelle's stopped buying it
368
00:18:48,200 --> 00:18:50,119
because I kept doing it
straight into my mouth.
369
00:18:50,120 --> 00:18:52,839
Oh, is she quite bossy, is she,
Alan? Aye, a bit.
370
00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:55,679
We thought she would be,
didn't we? Did we?
371
00:18:55,680 --> 00:18:58,799
Is that her natural hair colour,
or is it dyed?
372
00:18:58,800 --> 00:19:02,479
Of course it's dyed!
Fucking blonde.
373
00:19:02,480 --> 00:19:04,399
She's a bit stressed oot at the minute
374
00:19:04,400 --> 00:19:06,359
with this stuff for the house.
Is she, Alan?
375
00:19:06,360 --> 00:19:09,399
She looks quite stressed.
Quite tired, quite bloated.
376
00:19:09,400 --> 00:19:11,079
Aye, you're doing a lot to the place.
377
00:19:11,080 --> 00:19:13,439
Oh, she was telling me
you're thinking of putting decking
378
00:19:13,440 --> 00:19:16,159
out the back. Aye, a wee bit for her
to sunbathe in the summer.
379
00:19:16,160 --> 00:19:19,559
Oh, that's lovely, eh?
Get the bikini on.
380
00:19:19,560 --> 00:19:23,399
Well, I'll say this for her.
She's got it all planned out.
381
00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:26,479
Oh, yes. I've got a few ideas
for my place, Alan.
382
00:19:26,480 --> 00:19:27,879
Have you?
Aye.
383
00:19:27,880 --> 00:19:31,160
I'm thinking of putting a handrail
on my front step.
384
00:19:37,800 --> 00:19:40,679
BETH YAWNS
Oh! Excuse me.
385
00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:42,799
Quite tired myself, actually.
386
00:19:42,800 --> 00:19:44,799
Are you, Beth?
You knackered, are you?
387
00:19:44,800 --> 00:19:47,599
You're not going to bed, are you?
Away up to your bed if you want.
388
00:19:47,600 --> 00:19:50,279
Er, no. What?
She can't go to bed now.
389
00:19:50,280 --> 00:19:55,319
Why? Because I'm here, and I'm her
friend, and friends stay up and chat
390
00:19:55,320 --> 00:19:58,800
about money and clothes and Tenerife.
391
00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:04,079
All right, Cathy,
I won't go to my bed just yet.
392
00:20:04,080 --> 00:20:07,360
That's right, Beth, good.
You just sit down, relax.
393
00:20:08,400 --> 00:20:12,359
When was the last time we sat up
and had a proper girly chat?
394
00:20:12,360 --> 00:20:13,639
Oh, Cathy!
395
00:20:13,640 --> 00:20:16,599
So, how's things with Eric, hmm?
396
00:20:16,600 --> 00:20:18,239
Do you get any sex at all?
397
00:20:18,240 --> 00:20:19,359
Excuse me!
398
00:20:19,360 --> 00:20:22,279
Sorry, do you mind?
Friends' catch-up going on.
399
00:20:22,280 --> 00:20:24,119
Me and Michelle are twice
during the week,
400
00:20:24,120 --> 00:20:26,920
and as many as I can manage
at the weekend.
401
00:20:27,840 --> 00:20:30,599
Well, that's good, Alan.
That's good work. You...
402
00:20:30,600 --> 00:20:32,159
You stick in there.
403
00:20:32,160 --> 00:20:33,599
If you don't mind...
404
00:20:33,600 --> 00:20:35,839
It's all right, Beth,
we can talk about these things.
405
00:20:35,840 --> 00:20:37,479
Aye, me and Cath, we're...
406
00:20:37,480 --> 00:20:38,519
Colin!
407
00:20:38,520 --> 00:20:40,679
CATHY TAPS GLASS
What about a little drinky-poo?
408
00:20:40,680 --> 00:20:42,679
What you got stuck in
that drinks cabinet?
409
00:20:42,680 --> 00:20:44,559
Er, we're not starting on that now.
410
00:20:44,560 --> 00:20:45,799
Oh, I see.
411
00:20:45,800 --> 00:20:48,599
Oh, so some people can have cups
of tea and anything they want,
412
00:20:48,600 --> 00:20:51,399
but I want a nice relaxing shot of
tequila, and I'm not allowed?
413
00:20:51,400 --> 00:20:53,999
Oh. Oh, boo, boo.
414
00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:56,679
BOO!
Cathy! Keep it down.
415
00:20:56,680 --> 00:20:59,599
Oh, sorry, Eric, sorry.
Fucking Goldilocks is sleeping.
416
00:20:59,600 --> 00:21:01,319
Sorry about that. Shh!
417
00:21:01,320 --> 00:21:03,439
Cathy! That's enough.
418
00:21:03,440 --> 00:21:07,559
Beth, have you decided what you're
going to do with that rhubarb?
419
00:21:07,560 --> 00:21:10,039
No, Christine. Not yet.
420
00:21:10,040 --> 00:21:13,639
Cos I think you would like it
stewed, Alan. I really do.
421
00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:17,519
Here, tell you what we used to do
with rhubarb when I was a kid.
422
00:21:17,520 --> 00:21:19,439
What?
Eat it raw.
423
00:21:19,440 --> 00:21:22,399
You remember that?
Aye, that's right.
424
00:21:22,400 --> 00:21:25,519
Aye. See, we never had that much
money back then for sweeties
425
00:21:25,520 --> 00:21:29,519
and chocolates and stuff, so rhubarb
was like a real treat for us.
426
00:21:29,520 --> 00:21:31,559
That's right,
we used to dip it in the sugar.
427
00:21:31,560 --> 00:21:33,959
Aye, that's right. Aye, you'd get
the stick of rhubarb,
428
00:21:33,960 --> 00:21:36,359
and you got a wee poke of sugar,
you'd dip it in...
429
00:21:36,360 --> 00:21:39,239
And sook it.
That's right, aye!
430
00:21:39,240 --> 00:21:42,439
Oh, but it had to be caster sugar,
Eric. That was the best.
431
00:21:42,440 --> 00:21:44,919
Oh, I used to love that.
You ever had it, Alan?
432
00:21:44,920 --> 00:21:47,600
No.
Oh, you want to try it.
433
00:21:48,720 --> 00:21:50,240
Here, Beth...
434
00:21:54,320 --> 00:21:56,719
Give it another rinse under
the hot tap, Beth,
435
00:21:56,720 --> 00:21:59,080
and make sure none of
that cat pee's clung to it.
436
00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:03,599
We used to steal the rhubarb
out the gardens.
437
00:22:03,600 --> 00:22:04,919
Did you, Eric?
438
00:22:04,920 --> 00:22:07,319
Were you a thieving little boy,
were you, Eric?
439
00:22:07,320 --> 00:22:10,719
Well, we just came across stuff
that was growing.
440
00:22:10,720 --> 00:22:12,759
Brambles!
441
00:22:12,760 --> 00:22:15,719
I still stick them in my handbag
if I see them.
442
00:22:15,720 --> 00:22:18,279
My dad used to take me bramble picking.
443
00:22:18,280 --> 00:22:21,960
Well, I'd pick them, and he'd sit
in the car with his vodka.
444
00:22:23,600 --> 00:22:26,599
I like a tomato out of a greenhouse.
445
00:22:26,600 --> 00:22:30,119
Oh, aye,
that actually tastes like a tomato.
446
00:22:30,120 --> 00:22:31,719
Home-grown's the best.
447
00:22:31,720 --> 00:22:36,439
Aye. I used to grow watercress
in my kitchen windowsill, Alan.
448
00:22:36,440 --> 00:22:38,959
But unless you're doing egg mayonnaise,
449
00:22:38,960 --> 00:22:40,799
there's fuck all point to it.
450
00:22:40,800 --> 00:22:44,639
Right.
Hey! Here we go!
451
00:22:44,640 --> 00:22:46,839
Oh, thank you!
452
00:22:46,840 --> 00:22:50,119
There we go.
Oh, cheers, Christine.
453
00:22:50,120 --> 00:22:53,080
Boy, oh boy, oh boy, this takes me back.
454
00:22:56,200 --> 00:22:57,759
Oh!
Mm!
455
00:22:57,760 --> 00:22:59,800
Cathy, would you like some?
456
00:23:03,040 --> 00:23:05,480
Naw. You sure? Aye.
457
00:23:07,960 --> 00:23:09,279
Oh, ta.
458
00:23:09,280 --> 00:23:11,760
Go on, Alan, are you not having any?
459
00:23:12,840 --> 00:23:15,239
Naw, he doesnae like any fruit
or veg, Cath.
460
00:23:15,240 --> 00:23:17,359
Don't you?
Naw, no' really.
461
00:23:17,360 --> 00:23:19,919
Well, what does Michelle
have to say about that?
462
00:23:19,920 --> 00:23:23,519
She's always on aboot it.
But I just don't like it.
463
00:23:23,520 --> 00:23:26,079
What's she like? she's always
banging on about something,
464
00:23:26,080 --> 00:23:28,199
isn't she?
You not having any, Beth?
465
00:23:28,200 --> 00:23:31,399
Beth, have a bit! Come on,
take a trip down memory lane
466
00:23:31,400 --> 00:23:33,479
to your old rhubarb days.
467
00:23:33,480 --> 00:23:35,519
Are you sure you don't want
to try a bit, Alan?
468
00:23:35,520 --> 00:23:36,599
Eh...
469
00:23:36,600 --> 00:23:38,839
Go on, Alan,
have a bit in your dressing gown.
470
00:23:38,840 --> 00:23:41,799
Here, if you dip it in the sugar,
it's good.
471
00:23:41,800 --> 00:23:44,879
Oh, yeah! You like sugar, don't you?
472
00:23:44,880 --> 00:23:47,440
Oh, aye. Go on, Alan.
Just try a wee bit.
473
00:23:49,480 --> 00:23:51,679
SHE SUCKS LOUDLY
474
00:23:51,680 --> 00:23:53,879
All right.
Oh, here he goes!
475
00:23:53,880 --> 00:23:56,920
Here he goes!
Oh!
476
00:23:58,120 --> 00:23:59,440
HE CRUNCHES LOUDLY
477
00:24:09,320 --> 00:24:10,520
Well?
478
00:24:12,280 --> 00:24:13,479
It's all right.
479
00:24:13,480 --> 00:24:14,839
THEY CHEER
480
00:24:14,840 --> 00:24:17,720
See? It's not that bad, eh?
Good boy, Alan.
481
00:24:18,840 --> 00:24:21,719
Why don't we give him
a chunk of apple or something?
482
00:24:21,720 --> 00:24:23,959
Try him with that.
Or a tangerine.
483
00:24:23,960 --> 00:24:25,599
Would you try a tangerine, Alan?
484
00:24:25,600 --> 00:24:30,000
Michelle's going to be so proud
of you, eating Pat's rhubarb.
485
00:24:31,960 --> 00:24:33,400
In fact...
486
00:24:41,360 --> 00:24:42,719
Michelle!
487
00:24:42,720 --> 00:24:44,399
What?
Michelle!
488
00:24:44,400 --> 00:24:46,399
Oh, Cathy, what is it?
489
00:24:46,400 --> 00:24:48,599
You have got to see this.
490
00:24:48,600 --> 00:24:50,759
See what?
Come on!
491
00:24:50,760 --> 00:24:52,840
Up you get, up you get, come on!
492
00:24:54,960 --> 00:24:58,519
Hey, Alan, your pants no' finished
in that machine yet?
493
00:24:58,520 --> 00:25:00,959
I keep on forgetting
you've got no pants on.
494
00:25:00,960 --> 00:25:04,039
I've no' had any on since my bath.
495
00:25:04,040 --> 00:25:07,079
Cathy. Cathy, just let go!
496
00:25:07,080 --> 00:25:10,799
Beth, out the way!
Michelle wants to come downstairs.
497
00:25:10,800 --> 00:25:12,440
Cathy, what are you doing?!
498
00:25:13,840 --> 00:25:17,559
Here she is! Oh, Michelle,
you want a bit of rhubarb?
499
00:25:17,560 --> 00:25:18,839
It's been washed.
500
00:25:18,840 --> 00:25:21,359
Cathy! Michelle's here
to see you eating, Alan.
501
00:25:21,360 --> 00:25:22,399
Sorry about this.
502
00:25:22,400 --> 00:25:24,079
Alan, what's going on?
503
00:25:24,080 --> 00:25:25,599
I've been eating rhubarb.
504
00:25:25,600 --> 00:25:27,759
We all have, Michelle.
No' just Alan.
505
00:25:27,760 --> 00:25:29,440
Go on, eat it again. Show her!
506
00:25:35,280 --> 00:25:37,479
You woke me up so I could see that?
507
00:25:37,480 --> 00:25:39,639
Isn't it brilliant?!
On you go back to bed.
508
00:25:39,640 --> 00:25:41,719
It's fine, Beth.
"It's fine, Beth!"
509
00:25:41,720 --> 00:25:43,159
Michelle says it's fine.
510
00:25:43,160 --> 00:25:45,999
Oh, Beth and Michelle,
Beth and Michelle, best buddies!
511
00:25:46,000 --> 00:25:49,439
Out for prosecco,
doing up houses, having baths.
512
00:25:49,440 --> 00:25:51,119
Cathy, this is nonsense!
513
00:25:51,120 --> 00:25:52,759
She's my friend, Michelle.
514
00:25:52,760 --> 00:25:53,959
Alan, I think we'll go.
515
00:25:53,960 --> 00:25:55,239
Eh?
We're going.
516
00:25:55,240 --> 00:25:57,599
Michelle, you don't need to do that.
Just go back up to bed.
517
00:25:57,600 --> 00:25:59,279
I'll sort things down here.
518
00:25:59,280 --> 00:26:01,759
Oh, let her go, she's had all
she wants. She's had her dinner,
519
00:26:01,760 --> 00:26:03,959
he's had his bath,
and now she wants to fuck off home.
520
00:26:03,960 --> 00:26:06,639
Well, there's friendship right there.
521
00:26:06,640 --> 00:26:09,239
Alan!
Oh, there she goes, ungrateful cow.
522
00:26:09,240 --> 00:26:11,799
Oh, he's even walking out
with Eric's dressing gown!
523
00:26:11,800 --> 00:26:13,279
Leave the dressing gown.
524
00:26:13,280 --> 00:26:15,319
What?
Just leave the dressing gown!
525
00:26:15,320 --> 00:26:16,640
But... LEAVE IT! All right.
526
00:26:21,200 --> 00:26:22,519
SHE CRUNCHES LOUDLY
527
00:26:22,520 --> 00:26:25,119
Sugar in the mornin',
sugar in the evenin'
528
00:26:25,120 --> 00:26:27,359
Sugar at suppertime
529
00:26:27,360 --> 00:26:32,039
Be my little sugar,
and love me all the time
530
00:26:32,040 --> 00:26:34,719
Honey in the mornin',
honey in the evenin'
531
00:26:34,720 --> 00:26:37,639
Honey at suppertime
532
00:26:37,640 --> 00:26:41,520
Be my little sugar,
and love me all the time
533
00:26:42,600 --> 00:26:50,599
Be my little sugar,
and love me all the time
534
00:26:50,600 --> 00:26:52,320
? Sugar time! ?
535
00:26:52,370 --> 00:26:56,920
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