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CAR HORN BEEPS
Ooh, the car's here! Oh, right.
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How you feeling? Aye, I'm OK.
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00:00:09,320 --> 00:00:10,799
Are you sure?
4
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Yeah.
5
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Give me a hug.
6
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Oh, thanks, Cath.
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I don't know what I'd do without
you. I honestly don't.
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Oh, Col, don't you worry.
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We are going to give your dad a funeral
10
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that he would be proud of, with all
the dignity and respect
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that he deserves.
12
00:00:27,240 --> 00:00:28,760
Oh, Cath.
13
00:00:31,080 --> 00:00:32,639
You got hankies in your bag?
14
00:00:32,640 --> 00:00:33,759
No.
15
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We'll get the hearse to
stop at the garage.
16
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This programme contains some
strong language
17
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Aah, sit down, Beth.
18
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We won't stay long, Cathy. Mm-hm.
19
00:00:58,480 --> 00:01:01,399
Sit down, Christine, you're allowed
in today.
20
00:01:01,400 --> 00:01:02,919
Ooh, it's nice to get into the warm.
21
00:01:02,920 --> 00:01:05,520
That crematorium was freezin'!
22
00:01:07,200 --> 00:01:09,879
Which is surprising, cos you'd think
that given that the...
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Er, Christine?
24
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And their pews were a bit on the
hard side, as well.
25
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Tell you, if you wirnae weeping
before you went in,
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you would be after half an hour wi'
your arse sat on them.
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Er, it was a really nice service, Colin.
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Eh?
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I'm saying the service was lovely.
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Do you think so? Oh, yes, very nice,
Colin.
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The wee minister did an excellent
job, I thought. Aye, he did.
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He judged it just right.
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Hm. Mm, very sensitively done.
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Yeah. I thought so, too.
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How much did he charge ya, Colin?
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Right, who's for a drink?
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Just a tea for me. Tea?
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Er, I'll take a coffee.
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Oh, aye, I'll have a coffee as well,
Cath.
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You any decaf? All right, Ian,
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it's not fuckin' Costa!
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BREATHY LAUGH
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Is there anything you'd like us to
do, Colin?
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No, no, yous have been great.
45
00:02:01,040 --> 00:02:03,919
I really appreciate you coming
today. My...
46
00:02:03,920 --> 00:02:05,759
..my dad spoke very highly of you.
47
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Oh, really?
48
00:02:06,800 --> 00:02:09,799
Oh, yes, he was always asking after
you and the family.
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Ach, he was a good man.
50
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Only last week he said to me,
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"How's that wee chunky fella next
door with the queer son getting on?"
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Can't believe that's him gone, now.
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Was that his preference then, Colin?
To be cremated rather than buried?
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00:02:25,880 --> 00:02:27,479
Well, I...
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I've left strict instructions, for
when I die it's to be a burial,
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haven't I Beth? You have.
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Aye, a coffin with the satin inside
and my best cardigan on,
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in case I get exhumed.
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I just hope we did all right for him.
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00:02:40,240 --> 00:02:41,799
Aye, I'm sure you did, Colin.
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No, no, it was all done very nicely.
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I'm sure he'd have been very happy.
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00:02:45,240 --> 00:02:47,440
Well, I hope so. I really do.
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00:02:49,600 --> 00:02:52,720
Let's go and see how Cath's getting
on with the kettle.
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00:02:57,160 --> 00:02:59,559
He's not good, is he?
66
00:02:59,560 --> 00:03:01,679
It seemed to be that song they
played tipped him.
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00:03:01,680 --> 00:03:02,959
Aye, what was that?!
68
00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:05,679
Well, you know his dad was an
accordion player?
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00:03:05,680 --> 00:03:09,079
That was the song he always used to
play for Colin when he was a wee boy.
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It was just too much for him.
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A few tears and a blow at the nose
is natural.
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That was like something out of The
Exorcist!
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He was gettin' hysterical.
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00:03:17,320 --> 00:03:19,999
Thank God the minister switched it
off. Oh, him.
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00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:23,039
He was just wanting the whole thing
done and dusted so he could
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00:03:23,040 --> 00:03:25,119
get onto the next one.
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00:03:25,120 --> 00:03:27,039
It's no' a Bible he should have
under his arm,
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it's a debit card machine.
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00:03:28,680 --> 00:03:31,279
Look, not everybody wants a big
religious affair.
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00:03:31,280 --> 00:03:33,919
Well, they were in the right place
today, then, weren't they?
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I mean, not one prayer and then a
quick blast of The Lord's My Shepherd?
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00:03:38,920 --> 00:03:41,599
I've had better religious
experiences with two codeine
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00:03:41,600 --> 00:03:43,679
and a shot at the foot spa.
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Guess what? What?
85
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I was looking for tea bags
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and I found a bottle of brandy.
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Oh, look Cathy, I'd rather have a
tea to be honest.
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00:03:51,560 --> 00:03:54,199
Oh, Beth! Er, no. Honestly, Cathy.
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It's what Willie would've wanted!
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00:03:55,920 --> 00:03:58,439
Oh, aye, he was very fond of his brandy.
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00:03:58,440 --> 00:04:00,799
I remember seeing him one morning in
ASDA,
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00:04:00,800 --> 00:04:03,239
when he was self-scanning a
quarter bottle.
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Cathy, is he all right?
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00:04:05,920 --> 00:04:07,759
Who?
95
00:04:07,760 --> 00:04:09,559
Colin.
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00:04:09,560 --> 00:04:12,679
He's awful quiet.
He's definitely not his usual self.
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I know.
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00:04:13,840 --> 00:04:16,799
He's not even wanting sex or anything.
99
00:04:16,800 --> 00:04:18,799
But he's grieving, Cathy.
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00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:22,200
I know, but he was gagging for it
after the dogs got put down!
101
00:04:23,200 --> 00:04:26,199
Well, maybe the two of you just need
some time on your own?
102
00:04:26,200 --> 00:04:27,439
Now...
103
00:04:27,440 --> 00:04:29,919
..nice to see Ian in a shirt and
tie, isn't it?
104
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Look at you, Ian!
105
00:04:31,200 --> 00:04:34,639
You look like you're all ready for
working in a phone shop.
106
00:04:34,640 --> 00:04:36,439
Oh, here he is.
107
00:04:36,440 --> 00:04:37,839
Ah, you all right, Colin?
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Now, how is my brave boy?
109
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Is there anything I can do for you?
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No.
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INAUDIBLE
112
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No.
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WHISPERS: He still doesn't want to,
Beth.
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I was just saying your, er, your dad
was a man for his brandy, wasn't he?
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Eh? Oh, aye, aye, aye.
116
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Aye, he liked his brandy.
117
00:05:01,600 --> 00:05:03,959
Mm, a brandy's good for the nerves.
118
00:05:03,960 --> 00:05:08,559
Pat over the back gave me one in DFS
when I signed for that couch.
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00:05:08,560 --> 00:05:11,039
I tell you what else he was very
fond of...
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..music.
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He was a great man for his music.
122
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I mean, see that accordion?
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See when I was a wee boy?
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See, we used to get it out.
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He'd get it on his knee and he'd
start to play...
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Oh, fuck, he's going to go again.
127
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VOICE BREAKING: He'd always play me
the same wee song.
128
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Er, why don't we have a toast?
129
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A toast, aye. That's a good idea.
130
00:05:35,040 --> 00:05:37,319
Colin, shall we have a wee toast?
131
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Aye. Aye, all right, then. Good
man.
132
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Woohoo! I'll get a couple of
bottles of prosecco.
133
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No, Cathy, we'll just do it with this!
134
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You going to do it, then?
135
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What, me? Aye, I don't think I
could.
136
00:06:01,600 --> 00:06:03,159
Right, er...
137
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..erm...
138
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Oh, for Christ's sake! Will somebody
just say something?
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OK, OK...
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Er...
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00:06:13,120 --> 00:06:18,440
Er, well...so, it's been a sad day
today, seeing Willie off.
142
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He was a...he was a real character.
143
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Everybody here today will remember
him fondly for...
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00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:30,599
..for all the many things that,
er...
145
00:06:30,600 --> 00:06:36,279
..that he got up to and all the
happy times they had with him.
146
00:06:36,280 --> 00:06:40,800
Er, so, if you'd care to join me in
raising a glass...
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..to Willie.
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ALL: To Willie!
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Thank you, Eric.
150
00:06:50,920 --> 00:06:52,359
That was lovely.
151
00:06:52,360 --> 00:06:53,920
Aye, that was nice, Dad.
152
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Here, Colin.
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Do you no' think we could maybe say
a wee prayer for your dad?
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00:07:00,760 --> 00:07:02,719
Er, no.
155
00:07:02,720 --> 00:07:06,719
I mean, I don't want tae go on aboot
it, but that wee minister
156
00:07:06,720 --> 00:07:10,319
couldnae lead a fuckin' conga,
never mind a prayer!
157
00:07:10,320 --> 00:07:13,079
Look, Christine, I don't think
Colin wants that.
158
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Actually, that...that...that might
be nice.
159
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A...a prayer might be nice.
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Mh-hm.
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Right, come on, let's do it properly.
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There we go, that's it...
163
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Eric! Join hands.
164
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Jesus.
Beth, Beth...that's it.
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Heavenly Father,
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00:07:35,600 --> 00:07:39,999
we are gathered here today in Colin
and Cathy's front room
167
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to say farewell to Colin's dad,
168
00:07:42,760 --> 00:07:45,879
who has recently died and been cremated.
169
00:07:45,880 --> 00:07:49,080
Ashes are expected on Wednesday.
170
00:07:50,120 --> 00:07:52,719
It is Wednesday, Colin, aye?
171
00:07:52,720 --> 00:07:54,199
It's Wednesday, aye.
172
00:07:54,200 --> 00:07:56,639
Wednesday, Father.
KNOWING CHUCKLE
173
00:07:56,640 --> 00:07:59,519
Bit busy after that cold snap, maybes.
174
00:07:59,520 --> 00:08:03,959
So, we ask you for your comfort
at this sad time.
175
00:08:03,960 --> 00:08:06,999
Colin has been quite upset.
176
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In fact, he was crying very loudly
177
00:08:09,760 --> 00:08:12,519
when the music came on in the
Crematorium.
178
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So much so that the wee minister guy,
179
00:08:14,800 --> 00:08:19,759
who you would not have liked,
had to press pause on the CD.
180
00:08:19,760 --> 00:08:21,040
Ahem!
181
00:08:22,440 --> 00:08:26,840
So, we thank you for being with us
today.
182
00:08:30,080 --> 00:08:35,359
And could I just say, also, a wee
prayer for Father Di Marco,
183
00:08:35,360 --> 00:08:39,199
who has been under a great deal
of stress recently.
184
00:08:39,200 --> 00:08:43,319
I personally believe that what
happened in 1985
185
00:08:43,320 --> 00:08:46,560
should stay in 1985.
186
00:08:48,120 --> 00:08:49,279
Amen.
187
00:08:49,280 --> 00:08:51,280
ALL: Amen.
188
00:08:53,960 --> 00:08:57,159
I'll tell you the one that really
floored me when he died.
189
00:08:57,160 --> 00:09:02,079
And I can remember exactly where I
was when I heard the news.
190
00:09:02,080 --> 00:09:04,679
Seve Ballesteros.
191
00:09:04,680 --> 00:09:06,319
Beth, another brandy?
192
00:09:06,320 --> 00:09:07,679
No, thank you.
193
00:09:07,680 --> 00:09:10,639
The amount of people that he must
have inspired to go up that
194
00:09:10,640 --> 00:09:12,879
pitch n' putt is incredible!
195
00:09:12,880 --> 00:09:18,519
I see you've had, er...you've had
quite a...a few cards, Colin.
196
00:09:18,520 --> 00:09:21,479
Oh, aye, he was very well-liked.
PHONE BUZZES
197
00:09:21,480 --> 00:09:23,519
That's from Paddy Power,
198
00:09:23,520 --> 00:09:25,679
and he got one from a Ladbrokes.
199
00:09:25,680 --> 00:09:27,879
Er, Mum, is it OK if I maybe make a
move?
200
00:09:27,880 --> 00:09:29,119
Yes, I think so.
201
00:09:29,120 --> 00:09:31,559
Your dad and I are going to be going
shortly, too.
202
00:09:31,560 --> 00:09:32,799
What's that, Beth?
203
00:09:32,800 --> 00:09:34,679
Ian's just heading off. What?!
204
00:09:34,680 --> 00:09:37,399
Yeah, Gordon's coming to get me.
Said he'd text when he's outside.
205
00:09:37,400 --> 00:09:38,799
What, he's outside now?
206
00:09:38,800 --> 00:09:40,080
Well, yeah.
207
00:09:41,160 --> 00:09:42,999
I should maybe just...
208
00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:44,640
..go and say a quick hello.
209
00:09:49,000 --> 00:09:51,119
Hi, Gordon, honey!
210
00:09:51,120 --> 00:09:53,759
RADIO PLAYS "ANNIE'S SONG"
BY JOHN DENVER
211
00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:56,479
Hi, Cathy.
212
00:09:56,480 --> 00:09:58,159
How are you?
213
00:09:58,160 --> 00:10:00,999
Oh, not so good, Gordon, to be honest.
214
00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:04,879
It's Colin's dad's just died and we
had to have a funeral.
215
00:10:04,880 --> 00:10:07,399
Yeah, I was sorry to hear that.
216
00:10:07,400 --> 00:10:08,999
Were you quite close to him?
217
00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:10,359
To Willie?!
218
00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:11,640
Oh! Yeah. Yeah...
219
00:10:13,400 --> 00:10:14,719
How's Colin doing?
220
00:10:14,720 --> 00:10:15,919
He's terrible, Gordon.
221
00:10:15,920 --> 00:10:17,839
He's taken it very badly.
222
00:10:17,840 --> 00:10:19,279
Would you like to come in and see?
223
00:10:19,280 --> 00:10:21,319
No. Come on. No, honestly, we...
224
00:10:21,320 --> 00:10:22,839
Come on! Just for a minute!
225
00:10:22,840 --> 00:10:24,360
No, Cathy, I can't.
226
00:10:31,160 --> 00:10:33,159
Thanks very much for coming, Ian.
227
00:10:33,160 --> 00:10:35,279
Aye, no bother, Colin.
228
00:10:35,280 --> 00:10:36,879
And listen...
229
00:10:36,880 --> 00:10:39,719
..you cherish your parents while
they're still around.
230
00:10:39,720 --> 00:10:41,199
Aye, I will.
231
00:10:41,200 --> 00:10:42,559
Aye, look son...
232
00:10:42,560 --> 00:10:44,319
..I know they can maybe get
on your nerves.
233
00:10:44,320 --> 00:10:49,559
I mean, some people find your father
very, very boring and...
234
00:10:49,560 --> 00:10:51,999
..and your mum...
235
00:10:52,000 --> 00:10:54,239
..she's a bit on the dull side as
well, Ian.
236
00:10:54,240 --> 00:10:58,399
But, see, the thing is, see when
they're gone?
237
00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:00,119
You'll miss them.
238
00:11:00,120 --> 00:11:02,679
Ooh! Change of plan.
239
00:11:02,680 --> 00:11:04,960
Gordon would like to come in now.
240
00:11:07,560 --> 00:11:09,279
We'll have one more and then we'll go.
241
00:11:09,280 --> 00:11:12,400
Look who I found! Sit down, Gordon,
sit down.
242
00:11:13,600 --> 00:11:15,799
Ian, give me your jacket.
243
00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:18,239
Come o-o-on!
244
00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:20,279
That's it.
245
00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:21,400
Aah...
246
00:11:23,040 --> 00:11:25,000
Sorry to hear about your dad.
247
00:11:26,320 --> 00:11:27,999
Did the funeral go OK, did it?
248
00:11:28,000 --> 00:11:30,399
Oh, it was a...it was a nice wee
service.
249
00:11:30,400 --> 00:11:32,519
It was very disappointing, Gordon.
250
00:11:32,520 --> 00:11:33,719
Very disappointing.
251
00:11:33,720 --> 00:11:36,759
Gordon, would you like a brandy?
252
00:11:36,760 --> 00:11:38,239
I'm driving.
253
00:11:38,240 --> 00:11:40,840
Colin's father has died, Gordon.
254
00:11:42,040 --> 00:11:43,759
Er...OK.
255
00:11:43,760 --> 00:11:45,959
I'm sorry I couldn't make it.
256
00:11:45,960 --> 00:11:47,079
It's all right, Gordon.
257
00:11:47,080 --> 00:11:49,199
I'm rubbish at funerals anyway, to
be honest.
258
00:11:49,200 --> 00:11:51,119
Are you, Gordon? Are you rubbish?
259
00:11:51,120 --> 00:11:52,559
Did you ever meet my dad, Gordon?
260
00:11:52,560 --> 00:11:53,999
Er...no, I don't think I did.
261
00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:55,319
Er, you did.
262
00:11:55,320 --> 00:11:57,040
Remember that day I pointed him out
to you?
263
00:11:58,040 --> 00:11:59,920
Oh, the man sleeping on the grass!
264
00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:03,759
He...he was a real character, so he
was.
265
00:12:03,760 --> 00:12:05,880
It...it's...it's a sad day.
266
00:12:08,480 --> 00:12:10,439
Ian said he was a musician?
267
00:12:10,440 --> 00:12:13,439
That's right. It was the accordion
he played.
268
00:12:13,440 --> 00:12:16,799
Do you know I...I remember as a wee
boy, there was this...
269
00:12:16,800 --> 00:12:20,760
..there was this one song that he...
SOBBING: ..he used to play for me.
270
00:12:21,960 --> 00:12:25,599
Gordon, do you remember Seve
Ballesteros?
271
00:12:25,600 --> 00:12:27,959
There you go, Gordon.
272
00:12:27,960 --> 00:12:32,320
We've had a toast already, so just
take a sip and then give me a kiss.
273
00:12:36,440 --> 00:12:39,399
Ooh, you taste all boozy.
274
00:12:39,400 --> 00:12:43,280
You stink! You're going to have to
get a taxi, now!
275
00:12:44,960 --> 00:12:47,839
Beautiful V-neck pullovers.
276
00:12:47,840 --> 00:12:50,719
Every colour under the sun.
277
00:12:50,720 --> 00:12:51,919
You all right there, Colin?
278
00:12:51,920 --> 00:12:53,479
Aye.
279
00:12:53,480 --> 00:12:56,239
I'm just thinking, he would have
loved all this, you know.
280
00:12:56,240 --> 00:13:00,159
Everybody sat round with a wee glass
of something.
281
00:13:00,160 --> 00:13:03,119
And remember that Christmas we had
him stay, Cath?
282
00:13:03,120 --> 00:13:04,719
Oh, what, when he pissed the couch?
283
00:13:04,720 --> 00:13:06,519
Oh, aye, he was...he was in great
form.
284
00:13:06,520 --> 00:13:11,599
I can...I can still picture him sat
there with his paper hat and cigarette.
285
00:13:11,600 --> 00:13:13,919
Waiting for the Queen's speech to
come on,
286
00:13:13,920 --> 00:13:15,480
so he could give her the finger!
287
00:13:16,480 --> 00:13:18,599
Was that your last Christmas together?
288
00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:21,639
It was the last one he was allowed
to come here, yes.
289
00:13:21,640 --> 00:13:24,599
What age was he, Colin? I don't
think the minister said.
290
00:13:24,600 --> 00:13:26,159
He was 91.
291
00:13:26,160 --> 00:13:27,759
91, eh? Phew...
292
00:13:27,760 --> 00:13:29,159
91.
293
00:13:29,160 --> 00:13:32,159
That's what you call a good innings!
Oh, aye, aye.
294
00:13:32,160 --> 00:13:35,119
Seve was only 54, Gordon.
295
00:13:35,120 --> 00:13:38,199
If he was 91, then he was born when?
296
00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:39,839
Oh, a long time ago, Beth.
297
00:13:39,840 --> 00:13:42,599
1928 he was born.
298
00:13:42,600 --> 00:13:46,639
So, was he in, like, the war and
that? No, Christ, he'd have only been a boy.
299
00:13:46,640 --> 00:13:48,479
My grandpa was in the D-Day landings.
300
00:13:48,480 --> 00:13:49,839
Shh, Gordon.
301
00:13:49,840 --> 00:13:51,399
Ian, another brandy?
302
00:13:51,400 --> 00:13:53,959
SHE PINGS GLASS
He did National Service, though.
303
00:13:53,960 --> 00:13:56,479
Aye, well, that was the thing. I
mean you...you had to.
304
00:13:56,480 --> 00:13:58,559
See, if you'd been around then,
305
00:13:58,560 --> 00:14:01,959
you'd have had to go in the army
whether you liked it or not. Oh, no, Eric.
306
00:14:01,960 --> 00:14:03,759
They didn't take homosexuals.
307
00:14:03,760 --> 00:14:06,559
We've still got pictures of him
somewhere in uniform.
308
00:14:06,560 --> 00:14:07,919
Fuck, not them...
309
00:14:07,920 --> 00:14:09,999
Not now, Colin, too soon.
310
00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:11,399
Don't upset yourself.
311
00:14:11,400 --> 00:14:13,679
I can still remember him whistling
all the old songs
312
00:14:13,680 --> 00:14:15,559
that he'd picked up in the barracks,
you know?
313
00:14:15,560 --> 00:14:21,639
It's A Long Way To Tipperary, Pack
Up Your Troubles and what was the...
314
00:14:21,640 --> 00:14:23,839
..what was the marching one, again?
315
00:14:23,840 --> 00:14:27,039
HE WHISTLES COLONEL BOGEY MARCH
Oh, aye, aye, aye.
316
00:14:27,040 --> 00:14:28,319
Oh, yeah...
317
00:14:28,320 --> 00:14:33,719
ALL JOIN IN APART FROM CATHY
318
00:14:33,720 --> 00:14:36,320
Go on, Gordon. March! March!
319
00:14:38,040 --> 00:14:39,119
Pfff!
320
00:14:39,120 --> 00:14:40,479
Pfff! Pfff!
321
00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:42,519
Pfff! Pfff! Pfff!
322
00:14:42,520 --> 00:14:43,599
Pfff!
323
00:14:43,600 --> 00:14:44,640
SHE LAUGHS
324
00:14:45,680 --> 00:14:48,600
I remember him whistling that clear
as day.
325
00:14:52,120 --> 00:14:55,280
This isnae the same couch that he
pissed on, is it?
326
00:15:00,520 --> 00:15:01,959
Cathy...
327
00:15:01,960 --> 00:15:06,319
Oh, Beth! I mean, thank God I got
all this ice in!
328
00:15:06,320 --> 00:15:09,639
Listen, I don't think we'll
stay much longer. Sorry?
329
00:15:09,640 --> 00:15:11,439
Well, we'll head off and leave you
and Colin
330
00:15:11,440 --> 00:15:13,039
to have a bit of time to yourselves.
331
00:15:13,040 --> 00:15:15,199
No, you can't do that, Beth. Why?
332
00:15:15,200 --> 00:15:17,119
Because Willie's dead.
333
00:15:17,120 --> 00:15:18,439
I know!
334
00:15:18,440 --> 00:15:22,119
And I think Colin needs a bit of
time to himself to deal with it.
335
00:15:22,120 --> 00:15:25,119
You say that, Beth, but I think he's
taken a great deal of comfort
336
00:15:25,120 --> 00:15:29,159
from us all being around him and
enjoying our drinks!
337
00:15:29,160 --> 00:15:30,359
I really think, Cathy...
338
00:15:30,360 --> 00:15:33,839
I. Am. Colin's. Wife, Beth.
339
00:15:33,840 --> 00:15:34,959
I know what he needs.
340
00:15:34,960 --> 00:15:39,359
What he needs is for you to take
this ice,
341
00:15:39,360 --> 00:15:41,239
go back through to the sofa
342
00:15:41,240 --> 00:15:44,439
and stop trying to spoil the party!
343
00:15:44,440 --> 00:15:46,519
Now, Father Di Marco.
344
00:15:46,520 --> 00:15:49,439
His funerals are something else.
345
00:15:49,440 --> 00:15:53,039
People come from all over to attend
them. Really?
346
00:15:53,040 --> 00:15:56,359
Here, you should come tae one when
he gets back!
347
00:15:56,360 --> 00:15:57,839
Where is he?
348
00:15:57,840 --> 00:16:00,200
He's on a wee break in Argentina.
349
00:16:01,320 --> 00:16:04,439
Gordon, what do you think of Ian and
his tie?
350
00:16:04,440 --> 00:16:05,919
It's, er...
351
00:16:05,920 --> 00:16:07,519
..yes. Looks good.
352
00:16:07,520 --> 00:16:09,719
Ian, do you like Gordon in his shirt?
353
00:16:09,720 --> 00:16:10,839
Er...
354
00:16:10,840 --> 00:16:12,039
..yeah.
355
00:16:12,040 --> 00:16:13,999
Maybe you two should just stay the
night.
356
00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:16,239
Naw... Oh, no, you can if you want.
357
00:16:16,240 --> 00:16:19,159
I've...I've heard guys doing it
before.
358
00:16:19,160 --> 00:16:20,560
In hotels.
359
00:16:22,240 --> 00:16:26,439
Oh, here he is! Here's my boy with
the empty bladder.
360
00:16:26,440 --> 00:16:28,439
All right there, Colin?
361
00:16:28,440 --> 00:16:29,759
Aye.
362
00:16:29,760 --> 00:16:31,799
We, erm...
363
00:16:31,800 --> 00:16:33,599
We gave him a good send-off, didn't we?
364
00:16:33,600 --> 00:16:34,639
Course you did.
365
00:16:34,640 --> 00:16:36,719
Oh, aye, yeah. Do you think?
Definitely, aye.
366
00:16:36,720 --> 00:16:38,239
Well...
367
00:16:38,240 --> 00:16:42,759
It's a sad day but, in a way, it's a
good day, eh? Mh-hm. That's it.
368
00:16:42,760 --> 00:16:44,559
We're sad that he's gone,
369
00:16:44,560 --> 00:16:47,239
but it's good to be able to
celebrate his life.
370
00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:49,759
In some bits of the world, the whole
thing's a celebration.
371
00:16:49,760 --> 00:16:50,999
Aye, that's true.
372
00:16:51,000 --> 00:16:52,319
Like Mexico.
373
00:16:52,320 --> 00:16:53,759
Oh, Mexico.
374
00:16:53,760 --> 00:16:55,719
Pat's son went to Cancun and somebody
375
00:16:55,720 --> 00:16:57,880
wrote a T on the end of his luggage tag.
376
00:16:59,200 --> 00:17:00,559
New Orleans.
377
00:17:00,560 --> 00:17:03,039
I mean, the whole thing there's like
a big party.
378
00:17:03,040 --> 00:17:06,319
Oh, aye. They've got the bands and
all that, haven't they? The jazz bands.
379
00:17:06,320 --> 00:17:07,959
Ooh, I like the sound of that!
380
00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:11,239
Yeah, everybody has a bit of a dance
and joins in. Oh, yeah!
381
00:17:11,240 --> 00:17:13,239
Well, we should play some music!
382
00:17:13,240 --> 00:17:15,319
Do you really think that's a good
idea, Cathy?
383
00:17:15,320 --> 00:17:17,239
Oh, Colin, that would make you feel
better.
384
00:17:17,240 --> 00:17:18,839
Let's play some music!
385
00:17:18,840 --> 00:17:21,159
I mean, not jazz, cos that's just shit.
386
00:17:21,160 --> 00:17:22,439
Well, a hymn would be a...
387
00:17:22,440 --> 00:17:24,679
Shut up, Christine!
388
00:17:24,680 --> 00:17:25,759
Right...
389
00:17:25,760 --> 00:17:29,279
..Oh, I know, I know, I know!
Oh, I love this song!
390
00:17:29,280 --> 00:17:30,719
SMOOTH, SEXY MUSIC PLAYS
391
00:17:30,720 --> 00:17:32,399
Such a good idea, Gordon.
392
00:17:32,400 --> 00:17:37,199
Now, listen, we've had the funeral,
very sad.
393
00:17:37,200 --> 00:17:42,080
Poor Willie, in his coffin, off he
goes behind the curtain.
394
00:17:43,240 --> 00:17:45,679
Lots of sandwiches and speeches.
395
00:17:45,680 --> 00:17:48,199
But that's all finished, now.
396
00:17:48,200 --> 00:17:49,400
Now?
397
00:17:50,320 --> 00:17:52,040
We're going to have a party.
398
00:17:53,400 --> 00:17:55,199
MUSIC BECOMES LOUD AND UPBEAT
399
00:17:55,200 --> 00:17:57,400
Woo! Yes!
400
00:18:01,560 --> 00:18:03,919
Come on, Col! Woo!
401
00:18:03,920 --> 00:18:05,479
DOORBELL RINGS
402
00:18:05,480 --> 00:18:07,440
Who the fuck is that?!
403
00:18:15,280 --> 00:18:18,679
Oh! Hi, Cathy.
404
00:18:18,680 --> 00:18:19,919
Michelle.
405
00:18:19,920 --> 00:18:22,559
Erm, we heard about Colin's dad.
406
00:18:22,560 --> 00:18:23,719
Oh, yeah, yeah.
407
00:18:23,720 --> 00:18:24,799
It's...
408
00:18:24,800 --> 00:18:26,639
..it's really sad.
409
00:18:26,640 --> 00:18:27,999
I got you a wee card, so...
410
00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:30,559
Oh, look, thanks, Michelle!
411
00:18:30,560 --> 00:18:31,919
Come in.
412
00:18:31,920 --> 00:18:34,519
Oh, no, I won't just now. I just
thought...
413
00:18:34,520 --> 00:18:36,679
Come on, all the sad stuff's finished.
414
00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:38,120
We're having drinks now.
415
00:18:39,080 --> 00:18:41,639
Are you sure? Yes, in you come!
416
00:18:41,640 --> 00:18:43,279
OK, well, I'll just let Alan know.
417
00:18:43,280 --> 00:18:44,679
Where is he?
418
00:18:44,680 --> 00:18:46,839
Oh, Alan, Alan!
419
00:18:46,840 --> 00:18:49,239
Ala-a-an! Come in!
420
00:18:49,240 --> 00:18:52,320
Colin's dad's died and we're
celebrating!
421
00:18:56,320 --> 00:18:57,799
What's happened to the music?!
422
00:18:57,800 --> 00:18:59,720
I turned it off, Cathy.
423
00:19:00,880 --> 00:19:02,479
Michelle's here, everyone!
424
00:19:02,480 --> 00:19:03,959
Hi there.
425
00:19:03,960 --> 00:19:05,519
Hello, Michelle.
426
00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:07,199
Michelle brought you a card, Colin.
427
00:19:07,200 --> 00:19:08,800
A-a-aw...
428
00:19:10,240 --> 00:19:12,240
Aw, that's lovely.
429
00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:18,079
Sit down, Michelle. Sit down.
430
00:19:18,080 --> 00:19:20,999
Oh, here's Alan! Hug Alan, too.
431
00:19:21,000 --> 00:19:22,120
Hug Alan.
432
00:19:25,800 --> 00:19:28,519
There you go, nice cuddle.
433
00:19:28,520 --> 00:19:32,599
Oh, he's cuddly, isn't he, Michelle?
Big, whoargh...
434
00:19:32,600 --> 00:19:34,400
..cuddly Alan.
435
00:19:36,560 --> 00:19:39,359
We're really sorry to hear about
your dad, Colin.
436
00:19:39,360 --> 00:19:40,999
Oh, he was 91, Michelle.
437
00:19:41,000 --> 00:19:42,959
No' exactly a big shock.
438
00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:45,799
So, what would you like to drink?
Oh, no, we're fine, honestly.
439
00:19:45,800 --> 00:19:47,399
Alan, would you like a drink?
440
00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:48,799
Aye. What would you like?
441
00:19:48,800 --> 00:19:54,919
I'm having a brandy, Alan, in honour
of Willie and Seve Ballesteros.
442
00:19:54,920 --> 00:19:56,719
Brandy for Alan.
443
00:19:56,720 --> 00:19:57,999
Brandy, Michelle?
444
00:19:58,000 --> 00:19:59,599
Oh, no, thanks, honestly.
445
00:19:59,600 --> 00:20:02,640
An old man has died, Michelle,
take a fuckin' drink!
446
00:20:03,960 --> 00:20:05,199
UNDER BREATH: Fuck's sake...
447
00:20:05,200 --> 00:20:06,640
Right...
448
00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:11,879
Cheers, Alan! Cheers, Michelle!
449
00:20:11,880 --> 00:20:15,320
Cheers, everyone! Woohoo!
450
00:20:24,080 --> 00:20:25,959
So, was it the funeral today, was it?
451
00:20:25,960 --> 00:20:27,639
It was Alan, aye.
452
00:20:27,640 --> 00:20:29,719
Cremation, Alan. Right.
453
00:20:29,720 --> 00:20:31,039
Followed by a buffet.
454
00:20:31,040 --> 00:20:32,159
Oh, that's nice.
455
00:20:32,160 --> 00:20:34,519
Oh, very modest affair, Michelle.
456
00:20:34,520 --> 00:20:36,400
Couple of pound a head, max.
457
00:20:37,560 --> 00:20:39,199
So had he not been well, Colin?
458
00:20:39,200 --> 00:20:40,399
Well, obviously...
459
00:20:40,400 --> 00:20:43,479
He was all right until a few months
ago and then he had a fall.
460
00:20:43,480 --> 00:20:46,239
That's what happens with old folk.
461
00:20:46,240 --> 00:20:48,599
They just fall.
462
00:20:48,600 --> 00:20:49,999
Your mum fell, didn't she?
463
00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:52,319
She did. Er...
464
00:20:52,320 --> 00:20:53,439
So what happened?
465
00:20:53,440 --> 00:20:56,159
Well, it was downhill from there,
Michelle, to be honest.
466
00:20:56,160 --> 00:20:59,319
Erm, he took a wee funny turn, then...
467
00:20:59,320 --> 00:21:01,319
..then he was admitted to
hospital and...
468
00:21:01,320 --> 00:21:04,039
Colin's in a state of grief, Michelle.
469
00:21:04,040 --> 00:21:06,199
I think it's best you don't make him
go through the whole
470
00:21:06,200 --> 00:21:07,679
experience again.
471
00:21:07,680 --> 00:21:08,919
No, listen, I don't mind...
472
00:21:08,920 --> 00:21:10,999
Don't do it to yourself, Colin, please.
473
00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:12,159
Oh, sorry.
474
00:21:12,160 --> 00:21:14,599
Michelle, where did your mum fall?
475
00:21:14,600 --> 00:21:15,959
Er... Greenock.
476
00:21:15,960 --> 00:21:17,559
Shall we put some more music on?
477
00:21:17,560 --> 00:21:18,799
Did she bang her head?
478
00:21:18,800 --> 00:21:22,159
I'll put some more music on and
Gordon can watch me dance.
479
00:21:22,160 --> 00:21:24,319
No, Cathy, we don't need any more music.
480
00:21:24,320 --> 00:21:26,239
Is that the order of service?
481
00:21:26,240 --> 00:21:27,719
Do you mind if I have a wee look?
482
00:21:27,720 --> 00:21:30,719
Oh, go on, Michelle. Aye, have a
look Michelle.
483
00:21:30,720 --> 00:21:34,079
Look at that, no' even a crucifix or
nothing.
484
00:21:34,080 --> 00:21:37,119
I half expected to turn it over and
see a list of fried rice dishes
485
00:21:37,120 --> 00:21:38,639
on the back.
486
00:21:38,640 --> 00:21:41,479
William Cuthbertson White. That
your dad's name, was it?
487
00:21:41,480 --> 00:21:42,759
Willie.
488
00:21:42,760 --> 00:21:45,519
Aye, my uncle, he was Willie as well.
489
00:21:45,520 --> 00:21:49,319
Aye, you don't see so many Willie's
about these days, do ye?
490
00:21:49,320 --> 00:21:50,520
IAN SNORTS
491
00:21:55,040 --> 00:21:56,999
Sorry, sorry. It's just...
492
00:21:57,000 --> 00:21:58,920
..sometimes, if it's really
serious...
493
00:22:02,040 --> 00:22:03,399
It's all right.
494
00:22:03,400 --> 00:22:04,800
You're all right, Ian.
495
00:22:07,440 --> 00:22:09,719
I'll tell you worse than that.
496
00:22:09,720 --> 00:22:10,999
I worked wi' a guy
497
00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:12,519
called Willie Dick.
498
00:22:12,520 --> 00:22:14,680
BOTH LAUGH
499
00:22:16,400 --> 00:22:19,079
Willie Dick! I'm no joking.
500
00:22:19,080 --> 00:22:21,480
OTHERS LAUGH
501
00:22:22,600 --> 00:22:24,439
Here, have you ever done that thing
502
00:22:24,440 --> 00:22:26,639
where you find out what your porn
name is? Oh, aye!
503
00:22:26,640 --> 00:22:29,039
Oh, porn names! I love that game!
504
00:22:29,040 --> 00:22:31,119
Er, Ian, I don't think now's quite
the right...
505
00:22:31,120 --> 00:22:33,479
Gordon! What's the name of your
first pet? What?
506
00:22:33,480 --> 00:22:35,559
Yeah, you take the name of your
first pet
507
00:22:35,560 --> 00:22:38,159
and then you put your
mother's...what is it, Ian?
508
00:22:38,160 --> 00:22:42,799
You take the name of your first pet
and you put it together with your mum's maiden name
509
00:22:42,800 --> 00:22:46,999
and then those two names are the
name you would use if you were in a porno film.
510
00:22:47,000 --> 00:22:49,519
So, what's the name of your first
pet, Gordon?!
511
00:22:49,520 --> 00:22:50,879
Er... Toby.
512
00:22:50,880 --> 00:22:53,719
And what was your mum's maiden name
before she was married? Nicholls.
513
00:22:53,720 --> 00:22:55,719
So, you'd be Toby Nicholls.
514
00:22:55,720 --> 00:22:59,399
Mm-hm.
See, even his porn name is boring.
515
00:22:59,400 --> 00:23:01,639
Let's do another one.
516
00:23:01,640 --> 00:23:03,839
Beth, you do yours. No, Cathy.
517
00:23:03,840 --> 00:23:06,280
Oh, say it, go on, ple-e-ease?
518
00:23:10,280 --> 00:23:12,680
Fluffy Hunter.
519
00:23:20,480 --> 00:23:22,880
THEY LAUGH HYSTERICALLY
520
00:23:28,360 --> 00:23:30,439
All right, all right.
521
00:23:30,440 --> 00:23:32,919
It's a stupid game anyway, Cathy.
522
00:23:32,920 --> 00:23:35,120
Sorry, I... I need a glass of water.
523
00:23:36,160 --> 00:23:37,839
Fluffy Hunter!
524
00:23:37,840 --> 00:23:39,359
Oh, Christine, do yours.
525
00:23:39,360 --> 00:23:41,079
What is it? The pet?
526
00:23:41,080 --> 00:23:42,479
Yes, the pet!
527
00:23:42,480 --> 00:23:44,879
Oh, well, it was definitely a tortoise.
528
00:23:44,880 --> 00:23:46,319
I remember that.
529
00:23:46,320 --> 00:23:47,959
Was it George...?
530
00:23:47,960 --> 00:23:51,399
Aw, hang on, there was a gerbil
prior to that.
531
00:23:51,400 --> 00:23:53,159
What was he called...?
532
00:23:53,160 --> 00:23:54,880
Oh, come on, Christine!
533
00:23:58,440 --> 00:24:00,360
Hi, Colin. Hi, Gordon.
534
00:24:01,400 --> 00:24:02,599
How you feeling?
535
00:24:02,600 --> 00:24:04,639
I'm OK.
536
00:24:04,640 --> 00:24:06,119
Well...
537
00:24:06,120 --> 00:24:07,240
..not bad.
538
00:24:08,720 --> 00:24:10,040
Well, actually I'm...
539
00:24:11,040 --> 00:24:12,600
..I'm terrible, Gordon.
540
00:24:14,640 --> 00:24:15,680
Oh.
541
00:24:17,440 --> 00:24:19,120
Oh, right.
542
00:24:28,440 --> 00:24:30,080
Anything I can do?
543
00:24:31,560 --> 00:24:34,720
What can anyone do, Gordon? What can
anyone say?
544
00:24:35,920 --> 00:24:37,559
Maybe, don't have another brandy?
545
00:24:37,560 --> 00:24:40,839
You know, it...it didn't hit me
until today,
546
00:24:40,840 --> 00:24:46,400
but now that my dad has passed away
that's me on my own.
547
00:24:48,000 --> 00:24:50,560
I am now alone in the world.
548
00:24:51,720 --> 00:24:54,079
You're not alone, Colin.
549
00:24:54,080 --> 00:24:55,279
Am I not?
550
00:24:55,280 --> 00:24:57,639
No, you're never alone.
551
00:24:57,640 --> 00:24:59,239
We're all here.
552
00:24:59,240 --> 00:25:00,920
I'm here.
553
00:25:03,680 --> 00:25:04,880
C'mere.
554
00:25:08,040 --> 00:25:09,999
There we go.
555
00:25:10,000 --> 00:25:11,200
Good lad.
556
00:25:12,880 --> 00:25:14,879
Oh! Oh, so sorry.
557
00:25:14,880 --> 00:25:17,039
Just came to get a glass of water.
558
00:25:17,040 --> 00:25:18,880
Oh, c'mere. Come on.
559
00:25:20,240 --> 00:25:22,679
C'mere. Oh.
560
00:25:22,680 --> 00:25:24,320
Aw...
561
00:25:26,440 --> 00:25:27,760
Aw...
562
00:25:40,400 --> 00:25:41,720
Oh...
563
00:25:43,200 --> 00:25:45,839
So, if we say, for the purposes of this,
564
00:25:45,840 --> 00:25:48,399
that the cat predated the gerbil...
565
00:25:48,400 --> 00:25:52,239
Oh... ..although it was technically
a stray, I remem...
566
00:25:52,240 --> 00:25:53,999
Hey!
567
00:25:54,000 --> 00:25:55,879
You all right, Colin, aye?
568
00:25:55,880 --> 00:25:57,639
I'm no bad, Ian.
569
00:25:57,640 --> 00:26:00,159
I'm actually feeling a wee bit better.
570
00:26:00,160 --> 00:26:02,479
Just had a wee chat with Gordon, there.
571
00:26:02,480 --> 00:26:03,799
Oh, good! Good.
572
00:26:03,800 --> 00:26:06,519
And Michelle came through looking
for a hug, so...
573
00:26:06,520 --> 00:26:08,120
..we're naw too bad.
574
00:26:09,280 --> 00:26:13,759
You've just got to accept, don't
you, that...that things move on.
575
00:26:13,760 --> 00:26:15,999
I've got my memories, though.
576
00:26:16,000 --> 00:26:17,799
Well, we all do, by the sounds of
things.
577
00:26:17,800 --> 00:26:20,759
He seems to have left his mark on
all of us, hasn't he? Oh, aye, aye.
578
00:26:20,760 --> 00:26:22,199
Certainly has, aye.
579
00:26:22,200 --> 00:26:23,919
I didnae know him.
580
00:26:23,920 --> 00:26:26,159
You'll always have your memories, Colin.
581
00:26:26,160 --> 00:26:27,479
Oh, aye.
582
00:26:27,480 --> 00:26:29,359
In fact, do you know what?
583
00:26:29,360 --> 00:26:31,519
I can see him sitting just there,
584
00:26:31,520 --> 00:26:33,640
exactly where you're sat just
now, Christine.
585
00:26:35,520 --> 00:26:37,599
In fact...
586
00:26:37,600 --> 00:26:40,519
..stand up a minute. Eh?
587
00:26:40,520 --> 00:26:43,079
Stand up. Come on.
588
00:26:43,080 --> 00:26:44,639
Right...
589
00:26:44,640 --> 00:26:46,079
Where...
590
00:26:46,080 --> 00:26:49,080
..where is it...? Aye.
591
00:26:51,360 --> 00:26:52,640
There it is.
592
00:26:53,760 --> 00:26:55,359
What is it?
593
00:26:55,360 --> 00:26:57,639
That's his burn.
594
00:26:57,640 --> 00:27:00,679
That's where he burnt the carpet
wi' his cigarette.
595
00:27:00,680 --> 00:27:04,559
And we had to move the sofa over to
cover it up, didn't we, Cath?
596
00:27:04,560 --> 00:27:06,439
We did.
597
00:27:06,440 --> 00:27:07,840
Aye, look at that.
598
00:27:12,160 --> 00:27:14,599
I really appreciate you guys being
here today.
599
00:27:14,600 --> 00:27:15,719
It means a lot to me.
600
00:27:15,720 --> 00:27:18,079
Aye, you're all right.
601
00:27:18,080 --> 00:27:19,559
We're here for you, Colin.
602
00:27:19,560 --> 00:27:21,119
Without you guys today, I...
603
00:27:21,120 --> 00:27:23,719
..I don't think I'd have been able
to cope.
604
00:27:23,720 --> 00:27:26,719
But yous have really given me the
strength I needed. I...
605
00:27:26,720 --> 00:27:29,839
..I feel stronger just knowing
that yous are here.
606
00:27:29,840 --> 00:27:31,319
Oh, Colin.
607
00:27:31,320 --> 00:27:34,439
In fact, do you know what I think
I'd like to do?
608
00:27:34,440 --> 00:27:35,559
Not another hug...
609
00:27:35,560 --> 00:27:39,640
I think I'd actually like to listen
to that song.
610
00:27:41,160 --> 00:27:43,599
The one that we started playing in
the crematorium, but...
611
00:27:43,600 --> 00:27:46,199
Now, Colin, are you sure you want to
do that?
612
00:27:46,200 --> 00:27:47,399
Yes.
613
00:27:47,400 --> 00:27:48,599
Yes, Beth.
614
00:27:48,600 --> 00:27:51,159
I feel I'm ready to listen to it now.
615
00:27:51,160 --> 00:27:55,679
That was my dad's favourite song
and, as you say, today is as much
616
00:27:55,680 --> 00:28:00,079
about celebrating his memory as it
is saying goodbye to him.
617
00:28:00,080 --> 00:28:02,119
So, Cathy, stick it on.
618
00:28:02,120 --> 00:28:03,799
You sure? Aye.
619
00:28:03,800 --> 00:28:06,320
Go on! I want tae hear it!
620
00:28:08,160 --> 00:28:13,680
SCOTTISH ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYS
621
00:28:15,200 --> 00:28:20,839
COLIN SOBS
622
00:28:20,840 --> 00:28:23,400
I fucking knew it!
623
00:28:26,400 --> 00:28:32,560
We all need a hug in the morning
and one at the end of the day
624
00:28:34,080 --> 00:28:38,119
As many as possible squeezed in
between
625
00:28:38,120 --> 00:28:42,479
To keep life's troubles at bay
626
00:28:42,480 --> 00:28:46,639
No matter wherever you ramble
627
00:28:46,640 --> 00:28:50,279
Your problems be great or be small
628
00:28:50,280 --> 00:28:53,960
? A hug is the best cure of all. ?
629
00:28:54,010 --> 00:28:58,560
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