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1
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- Oh, hi, Christine.
- I've just spoken to them.
2
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Who?
3
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That young couple that bought Archie's house.
4
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Ah, right, right.
5
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Hm, they were very interested to hear
6
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- a bit of the history of the house.
- The history?
7
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Well, she had no idea
8
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that his body had lain for so long in that living room.
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I was saying to her
10
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that maybe we should have a wee get-together at some point.
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Oh, aye, that would be nice.
12
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Oh, I told her we'd give her the chance to get in
13
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- and get settled first though.
- Ah, course.
14
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The last thing she's wanting
15
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is a load of folk inviting themselves over
16
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before she's had a chance to get her boxes emptied.
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Absolutely.
18
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So I told them to come across here about two o'clock.
19
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What?
20
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Thanks, Beth, you're a star.
21
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Oh, and by the way, that tooth came out,
22
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so don't bother cutting the crusts off mine.
23
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Two o'clock.
24
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This programme contains strong language.
25
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That's no' shut, Alan, you need to bang it.
26
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All right!
27
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You said bang it.
28
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Come on.
29
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So is that woman's house we're going to?
30
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What woman?
31
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Her wi' the joggy bottoms and hair like Rose West.
32
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- No, it's her neighbour.
- Right.
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Now, remember, wait until you're offered before you eat anything,
34
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and if there's something you don't like, use a napkin,
35
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don't spit it straight into the bin.
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DOORBELL RINGS
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- Hi, there.
- Hi, Mrs Baird?
38
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Beth, call me Beth! Are you, um...?
39
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I'm Michelle, pleased to meet you.
40
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Hi, Michelle.
41
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And...?
42
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Alan.
43
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Hi, Alan.
44
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Um, come in, come in!
45
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In you come.
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This is my husband, Eric.
47
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- How you doing?
- Hi, there. Michelle.
48
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Pleased to meet you.
49
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Alan.
50
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Um, right, sit down, sit yourselves down.
51
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Take a seat.
52
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No' there! Kidding you on!
53
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Only joking. On you go.
54
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Is he a bit of a joker, is he, Beth?
55
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That's exactly what he is.
56
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We were at a party one night and I sat on a whoopie cushion,
57
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remember that, Michelle?
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I do.
59
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She actually thought it was a real fart.
60
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I mean, mine sound nothing like that.
61
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So, Beth, thank you so much for the invite.
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That was really nice of you.
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Oh, that's OK.
64
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- How are you settling in then?
- Um, we're getting there, Eric.
65
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I mean, that's us all unpacked, the new carpets are down,
66
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and the bathroom's getting tiled at the moment.
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Three days in a row, I've had a wash at the sink, haven't I, Michelle?
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Uh-huh.
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She's using baby wipes.
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Well, I'm sure you'll get sorted soon enough.
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I hope so!
72
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I says to Alan, "Remind me again why we thought this was a good idea!"
73
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And I says, number one, nice area.
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Number two, driveway for the van.
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And number three, that place we were in was fucking tiny.
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DOORBELL RINGS
77
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Excuse me.
78
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Hi, Christine.
79
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Hello, Beth.
80
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A wee treat for you - banana loaf, Beth.
81
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Oh.
82
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Well, I thought since you were making the sandwiches,
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the least I could do is contribute a wee something.
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That's very kind of you.
85
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Not at all.
86
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Not at all, Beth.
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It was reduced to 19p and its sell-by was last Thursday,
88
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but it'll be fine if it's buttered heavy.
89
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Hello there, again.
90
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- Oh, hi.
- Hi, Christine.
91
00:04:05,800 --> 00:04:07,360
It's Michelle, isn't it?
92
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- That's right.
- And you are...?
93
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Alan.
94
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So you found it all right, then?
95
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Oh, no bother.
96
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Aye, it was basically just straight across the road,
97
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- wasn't it, Michelle?
- It was.
98
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What side is it you're on, Christine?
99
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Oh, wait till I think.
100
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What way am I facing?
101
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It's through that way.
102
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If I'm in my chair facing the window, then she's on my left.
103
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We're on the right, as you're looking at us, Michelle.
104
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Naw, naw, naw, you're wrong.
105
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If they're on the other side of the road looking out,
106
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then your house is on the left and ours is to the right.
107
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You're through that wall.
108
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And you'll be through that fucking windae
109
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if you keep pointing at me like that.
110
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Would you like a tea or a coffee?
111
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I'll take one, Beth.
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Alan.
113
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Aye, that would be magic, Beth. Take a tea off you?
114
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How do you like it?
115
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Milk and three sugars.
116
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- Michelle?
- Oh, I won't actually,
117
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I've had a couple of coffees already this morning.
118
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Aw, you're the same as me, Michelle.
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If I have more than two, it's like a trap door flying open.
120
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Or a glass of water, a soft drink or something?
121
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No, honestly, I'm fine.
122
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- I'll take a Fanta aff ya, an' all.
- Alan!
123
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So is there much needing done to the place, then, Alan?
124
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It's quite extensive, Eric, er, first things first,
125
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take down that wee porch at the front.
126
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You're what?!
127
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- Aye, Michelle's wanting rid of it, aren't you?
- We don't need it.
128
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You say that, Michelle, but what say maybes you've gone oot
129
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and then you come back and you've stood on a shit or something?
130
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Aye, right enough.
131
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No, look, I just want a proper front door.
132
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So where was it you were before here?
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East Kilbride, Eric.
134
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- Oh, right.
- Do you know East Kilbride?
135
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Um, a bit, I mean, not really.
136
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Aye, it's good, aye.
137
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Good place.
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Why did you move?
139
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Well, number one...
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nice area...
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- DOORBELL RINGS
- I'll get it!
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- Hey!
- Hi, Colin.
143
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Listen, I'm just heading up the dump. I was wondering
144
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if you had anything you wanted taken up.
145
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Um, no, I don't think so.
146
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Hold on, I'll ask Eric.
147
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And then of course, there was
148
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the septic toe incident in the Algarve, Michelle.
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Um, sorry to interrupt.
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Eric, Colin's at the door,
151
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and he's going up to the dump and he wants to know...
152
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? Any old iron, any old iron... ?
153
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Oh, sorry, I didn't realise you had company.
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Wait till you meet this tit, Michelle.
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- Hi, Christine.
- Hi, Colin.
156
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Colin, this is Alan and Michelle.
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They've just moved in across the road.
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Ah. Into old Archie's?
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- Yeah.
- Aye, that was terrible him lying all that time in the lounge.
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I mean, I saw the cat pawing at the blinds,
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- but, no, never for a minute did I...
- Um, Eric, so, anything?
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Eh, no, I don't think so.
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Right, well, no, thanks, then, Colin.
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Are you away up the dump, are you?
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Aye, you wanting anything taken up?
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No, but I'm looking for a wicker magazine rack.
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- Well...
- Is that your wee digger across the road there?
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- Aye.
- What are you doing with that?
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- Taking down the porch.
- Are you?
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Cannae believe it.
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Madness!
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We can't see the point in it.
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Ah, she'll no be saying that
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when he trails a big dogshite onto her hall carpet!
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Aye, I got it on loan from my work.
176
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What is it you do, Alan?
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Tool hire.
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Oh, do you?
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I tell you what I'm looking for, Alan, a good sharp pair of scissors.
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Naw, we don't do scissors.
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Aw, see, trying to separate sausages, Michelle.
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I hired a tile cutter a couple of year ago.
183
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- Oh, we've got them!
- Have you?
184
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- Aye. I can get you one if you want?
- Naw.
185
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- Fucking sails through the tiles, by the way.
- Alan...
186
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- Honest to God. Like a laser.
- Alan!
187
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No, no, it was, it was last year.
188
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Alan, budge up and give the man a seat.
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Colin, just shove him out the road.
190
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Oh, right, OK.
191
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So, whereabouts are you?
192
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- Two doors down.
- That way, Michelle.
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We're over there.
194
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Aye. That way.
195
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We've just moved in.
196
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Have youse met Cathy yet?
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Who's Cathy?
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The wife.
199
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No, we've not met her.
200
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We've really only met Christine this morning when she came over.
201
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I just went across as a courtesy, you know.
202
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And to see if Archie's daughter had taken that big shovel away.
203
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Wait, I'll send her a message, tell her to come in.
204
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Aw, wait, I think I have seen her.
205
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Aye?
206
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- Tall, long hair?
- Aye.
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Leather jacket with a big chunky belt?
208
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Aye!
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Staggering out of a taxi last night the back of 11?
210
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Aye, that's Cathy! She was away at the yoga.
211
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Oh, I was making tea, wasn't I? Colin, do you want a cup?
212
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Um, Alan, are you having one?
213
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Aye. And a Fanta. I'm having a can of Fanta aff her as well.
214
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You should ask for one. See if she says aye to you as well.
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Aye, go on, Beth.
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Banana loaf as well.
217
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It's a good big stodgy one, Michelle.
218
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Take more than a couple of coffees to shift it.
219
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Hi. Only me!
220
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Hi, Cathy! How are...
221
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Are they in there?
222
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..you?
223
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Here she is!
224
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Hi! I'm Cathy.
225
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Michelle, pleased to meet you.
226
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Michelle - it's so nice to have a proper woman on the street.
227
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Oh, and this must be...
228
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Alan.
229
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Alan.
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Alan.
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Alan. Lovely to meet you.
232
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Oh, if I'd known you were doing welcome drinks,
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I'd have invited you to ours.
234
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Would you like a cup of tea, Cathy?
235
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Or a wine, Beth, I'm easy.
236
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There's a banana loaf about to make an appearance, Cathy.
237
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Oh, none for me, thanks, Beth.
238
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Are you carb free?
239
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Oh, I try.
240
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I try too, Michelle.
241
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Aye, until she's fucked wi' the drink,
242
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and now she's doon the chippy in her slippers.
243
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Well, Alan's got a sweet tooth, he might have some.
244
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Oh, do you, Alan?
245
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Aye, I can eat three Twixes in a row. Ever do that. Eric?
246
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Eh, no.
247
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I do.
248
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Sometimes I go and park the van somewhere quiet,
249
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turn the engine off and just eat.
250
00:10:12,840 --> 00:10:15,000
They're doing quite a bit of work to the place.
251
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- Are you?
- Yeah.
252
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They're getting rid o' that porch!
253
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We did tons of work to the house when we moved in, didn't we, Col?
254
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Did you?
255
00:10:23,280 --> 00:10:26,680
We had to - it was basically just like this.
256
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Oi - plate!
257
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So what did you have done?
258
00:10:32,080 --> 00:10:35,200
Oh, we have spent a lot of money, Michelle.
259
00:10:35,200 --> 00:10:37,920
Converted the loft, had a new en suite
260
00:10:37,920 --> 00:10:40,280
so I can see what Colin's doing in the shower,
261
00:10:40,280 --> 00:10:42,440
and the kitchen - oh, my God!
262
00:10:42,440 --> 00:10:44,840
You want to see my kitchen, Michelle.
263
00:10:44,840 --> 00:10:47,240
I've got one of those taps with the hose
264
00:10:47,240 --> 00:10:48,480
that you get in restaurants.
265
00:10:48,480 --> 00:10:49,720
Oh, right.
266
00:10:49,720 --> 00:10:51,160
So do you do a lot of cooking?
267
00:10:51,160 --> 00:10:55,480
- No.
- Well, we were thinking about knocking through from the kitchen
268
00:10:55,480 --> 00:10:58,480
to the living room, you know, just to open the place up a wee bit.
269
00:10:58,480 --> 00:11:01,840
- Are you, aye?
- Aye, it means if I'm sitting watching the darts
270
00:11:01,840 --> 00:11:04,560
she can be standing at the cooker still talking to me,
271
00:11:04,560 --> 00:11:06,120
unless somebody's on a finish.
272
00:11:06,120 --> 00:11:07,560
Oh, aye,
273
00:11:07,560 --> 00:11:09,280
You a fan of the darts yourself, Eric?
274
00:11:09,280 --> 00:11:11,320
Oh, aye, well, I don't mind the darts.
275
00:11:11,320 --> 00:11:12,680
But I've no' got Sky, though.
276
00:11:12,680 --> 00:11:15,040
Oh, I have. That's why we got it.
277
00:11:15,040 --> 00:11:16,520
Formula 1 now as well.
278
00:11:16,520 --> 00:11:19,240
- Ooh!
- Our dining room opens on to the living room
279
00:11:19,240 --> 00:11:23,080
which opens onto the decking which is where we've got the hot tub.
280
00:11:23,080 --> 00:11:24,240
Well...
281
00:11:24,240 --> 00:11:26,440
Oh - had a hot tub.
282
00:11:26,440 --> 00:11:29,920
We had to drain it when I saw a bird dipping its head in it.
283
00:11:31,040 --> 00:11:32,680
Have you done anything to this place?
284
00:11:32,680 --> 00:11:35,120
- BETH TUTS
- Um, well...
285
00:11:35,120 --> 00:11:37,720
we got that extra radiator, didn't we?
286
00:11:37,720 --> 00:11:39,160
We did.
287
00:11:39,160 --> 00:11:43,480
Are you sure I cannae tempt you to a wee slice of this, Michelle?
288
00:11:43,480 --> 00:11:46,400
It's fine with a drink of something to wash it over.
289
00:11:46,400 --> 00:11:47,880
No, thanks.
290
00:11:50,800 --> 00:11:52,960
This must just be the same way as ours.
291
00:11:52,960 --> 00:11:54,600
Do you want a look round?
292
00:11:54,600 --> 00:11:56,320
Yeah, that'd be great, thanks.
293
00:11:56,320 --> 00:11:59,240
Give them the grand tour, Beth.
294
00:11:59,240 --> 00:12:02,200
Oh, I like your jeans, missus.
295
00:12:02,200 --> 00:12:04,080
Oh, thanks.
296
00:12:04,080 --> 00:12:07,320
Michelle, could you bring a sheet of kitchen towel back with you,
297
00:12:07,320 --> 00:12:09,640
fucking butter everywhere!
298
00:12:09,640 --> 00:12:11,120
Come on through.
299
00:12:17,000 --> 00:12:20,440
Aww! Eh?
300
00:12:20,440 --> 00:12:23,520
So do youse eat in here or do youse take it through onto your knee?
301
00:12:23,520 --> 00:12:25,240
Um, it depends, really.
302
00:12:25,240 --> 00:12:27,160
We were thinking about having a breakfast bar
303
00:12:27,160 --> 00:12:28,760
as well as an actual dining table.
304
00:12:28,760 --> 00:12:29,920
Ooh!
305
00:12:29,920 --> 00:12:32,760
Telly's going up on a bracket so you can swing it both ways
306
00:12:32,760 --> 00:12:34,120
and still see it.
307
00:12:34,120 --> 00:12:38,160
Sorry, I'm just getting that wine now that I asked you for.
308
00:12:38,160 --> 00:12:41,640
Um, we did think at one point about adding on a conservatory.
309
00:12:41,640 --> 00:12:43,560
We've got one.
310
00:12:43,560 --> 00:12:45,680
We've got a conservatory.
311
00:12:45,680 --> 00:12:47,880
It gets so warm, it's amazing.
312
00:12:47,880 --> 00:12:49,920
I dry all Colin's pants in it.
313
00:12:49,920 --> 00:12:53,440
What happens to your wet pants, Alan? Tumble drier, eh?
314
00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:57,360
Mm, pants off, and into the wash, and into the tumble drier?
315
00:12:57,360 --> 00:13:00,840
There you go, naughty boy, all warm and tight for you.
316
00:13:04,320 --> 00:13:06,880
Anyway, we decided not to in the end.
317
00:13:10,240 --> 00:13:12,720
Eric, did you say it was East Kilbride
318
00:13:12,720 --> 00:13:14,080
they were in before here?
319
00:13:14,080 --> 00:13:15,400
Aye.
320
00:13:15,400 --> 00:13:17,960
Colin - look up sex offenders in East Kilbride on your phone.
321
00:13:17,960 --> 00:13:19,160
Quick.
322
00:13:21,000 --> 00:13:24,920
Seen all you want? Same as yours, right enough, Alan?
323
00:13:24,920 --> 00:13:31,000
Aye, layout's identical - sink, hob, fridge,
324
00:13:31,000 --> 00:13:33,480
only difference is she's got a bog under her stairs,
325
00:13:33,480 --> 00:13:34,560
we've no' got one of them.
326
00:13:34,560 --> 00:13:36,440
We had it put in a couple of years ago.
327
00:13:36,440 --> 00:13:37,760
Did you, aye?
328
00:13:37,760 --> 00:13:40,640
It saves you running up and down the stairs for a piss, dun't it?
329
00:13:40,640 --> 00:13:42,160
Alan.
330
00:13:42,160 --> 00:13:43,440
Yes.
331
00:13:43,440 --> 00:13:46,000
You would love our house, Michelle.
332
00:13:46,000 --> 00:13:49,600
- Wouldn't she, Col?
- Oh, aye, it's a big step up fae this.
333
00:13:49,600 --> 00:13:51,240
You should come over some time.
334
00:13:51,240 --> 00:13:53,240
Aw, that would be lovely, thanks.
335
00:13:53,240 --> 00:13:54,920
Come and have a look now if you want.
336
00:13:54,920 --> 00:13:58,120
- Eh?
- Come and have a look now. - No. You're fine.
337
00:13:58,120 --> 00:13:59,680
- No, honestly.
- Come on!
338
00:13:59,680 --> 00:14:01,400
- No, honestly!
- Come now, Michelle!
339
00:14:01,400 --> 00:14:03,200
- All right!
- Beth? - What?
340
00:14:03,200 --> 00:14:06,200
You come too, in case anything needs tidied.
341
00:14:16,360 --> 00:14:20,600
I think you're right about the porch, Michelle, I hate them too.
342
00:14:20,600 --> 00:14:23,520
- So where do you put your shoes and stuff?
- Hm?
343
00:14:23,520 --> 00:14:26,160
Like, do you just take them off in the hallway?
344
00:14:26,160 --> 00:14:29,120
I don't know what happens to them, Michelle.
345
00:14:30,640 --> 00:14:34,360
Ooh! Oh, I like that wallpaper.
346
00:14:34,360 --> 00:14:35,960
Oh, thanks!
347
00:14:35,960 --> 00:14:39,880
I took a lot of my inspiration for this room from a hotel
348
00:14:39,880 --> 00:14:43,640
that Colin and I stayed in in Dubai.
349
00:14:43,640 --> 00:14:45,960
- Have you been to Dubai, Michelle?
- I have.
350
00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:49,120
Beth - you've not been, have you?
351
00:14:49,120 --> 00:14:50,760
No.
352
00:14:50,760 --> 00:14:52,560
See.
353
00:14:52,560 --> 00:14:56,680
Have a look around, get a feel for the space,
354
00:14:56,680 --> 00:14:59,480
oh, smell the leather couch.
355
00:15:03,800 --> 00:15:06,240
Here, is it no' about time we got the beers on the go?
356
00:15:06,240 --> 00:15:09,320
- Eh?
- Oh, come on - there's Alan just moved in
357
00:15:09,320 --> 00:15:10,560
and he's not had a beer yet.
358
00:15:10,560 --> 00:15:11,880
Alan, you fancy a beer?
359
00:15:11,880 --> 00:15:12,920
Aye.
360
00:15:12,920 --> 00:15:14,120
Good man, Alan.
361
00:15:14,120 --> 00:15:16,320
All the lads together having a swally.
362
00:15:16,320 --> 00:15:18,840
- You got a Foster's, Eric?
- Wait and I'll see what I've got.
363
00:15:23,480 --> 00:15:25,800
So, do you go up to the dump a lot?
364
00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:27,520
Aye, quite a bit, Alan.
365
00:15:27,520 --> 00:15:29,600
You'll need to tell me where it is.
366
00:15:29,600 --> 00:15:32,760
Pat over the back took the base of a single bed up there on a bus.
367
00:15:32,760 --> 00:15:35,120
That's where the van comes in handy.
368
00:15:35,120 --> 00:15:36,560
Taking stuff to places.
369
00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:39,000
Mm, have you met Pat yet, Alan?
370
00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:40,400
Naw, I don't think so.
371
00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:43,800
Aw, you'd know her if you saw her - a wee bit stooped,
372
00:15:43,800 --> 00:15:46,240
looks like she's hunting for coins.
373
00:15:46,240 --> 00:15:48,200
There you go.
374
00:15:48,200 --> 00:15:50,640
There you go, Alan, do you want a glass with that?
375
00:15:50,640 --> 00:15:52,600
Naw.
376
00:15:52,600 --> 00:15:55,680
Right, here we go - first of the day!
377
00:15:55,680 --> 00:15:59,560
Oof, it's nice and cold, thank you, Eric.
378
00:15:59,560 --> 00:16:01,520
Right, well, cheers, Alan.
379
00:16:01,520 --> 00:16:03,840
- Cheers, son.
- Cheers!
380
00:16:07,840 --> 00:16:09,120
Oh!
381
00:16:09,120 --> 00:16:10,160
Ah!
382
00:16:10,160 --> 00:16:11,200
Oh!
383
00:16:11,200 --> 00:16:12,240
Aw.
384
00:16:12,240 --> 00:16:14,480
So are you doing most of the work yourself then, Alan?
385
00:16:14,480 --> 00:16:15,560
I am, aye.
386
00:16:15,560 --> 00:16:17,040
Except the plumbing stuff.
387
00:16:17,040 --> 00:16:19,320
I says to Michelle, "I'm no' doing anything
388
00:16:19,320 --> 00:16:20,960
"where I might get shite on me."
389
00:16:20,960 --> 00:16:23,840
Well, listen, anything you need, just give us a shout.
390
00:16:23,840 --> 00:16:28,080
And I'll send Eric straight over to you.
391
00:16:28,080 --> 00:16:31,640
Oh, I tell you, it used to be when you moved in somewhere,
392
00:16:31,640 --> 00:16:33,240
all the neighbours would muck in
393
00:16:33,240 --> 00:16:35,440
and help you do the place up, remember that?
394
00:16:35,440 --> 00:16:37,040
Aye, you're right, Eric.
395
00:16:37,040 --> 00:16:40,120
When I lived in Johnstone, there was a man in the street
396
00:16:40,120 --> 00:16:44,160
and he came in and wallpapered my hall for no money whatsoever.
397
00:16:44,160 --> 00:16:45,960
Ah, that's the community spirit, eh?
398
00:16:45,960 --> 00:16:47,080
Aye.
399
00:16:47,080 --> 00:16:50,680
Aye. Took over a week to do it and he cleaned me out of Nescafe.
400
00:16:50,680 --> 00:16:51,720
Never again.
401
00:16:53,200 --> 00:16:56,160
Big double fridge, Michelle.
402
00:16:56,160 --> 00:16:57,960
Oh, I like that.
403
00:16:57,960 --> 00:17:01,080
And, of course, the wonderful island in the middle here.
404
00:17:01,080 --> 00:17:03,880
Oh, I would love one of them.
405
00:17:03,880 --> 00:17:08,400
Aren't they great? Look, I can walk right round it.
406
00:17:08,400 --> 00:17:11,320
MICHELLE LAUGHS Ooh!
407
00:17:11,320 --> 00:17:12,680
Oh - look at that hob!
408
00:17:12,680 --> 00:17:15,680
Look at the size of that gas ring in the middle.
409
00:17:15,680 --> 00:17:17,880
Isn't that amazing?
410
00:17:17,880 --> 00:17:20,760
It'd be great for doing a stir fry.
411
00:17:20,760 --> 00:17:22,760
Or just for lighting cigarettes.
412
00:17:22,760 --> 00:17:24,960
It is absolutely spotless.
413
00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:26,280
Oh, that's Colin.
414
00:17:26,280 --> 00:17:28,040
Does he do it all, does he?
415
00:17:28,040 --> 00:17:30,440
Yeah, he texts the cleaner every week.
416
00:17:32,520 --> 00:17:35,240
If you want, Michelle, I can look out the brochures that we used.
417
00:17:35,240 --> 00:17:36,480
Oh, what, for this?
418
00:17:36,480 --> 00:17:37,760
Yes.
419
00:17:37,760 --> 00:17:39,840
Aw, Cathy that is so sweet of you,
420
00:17:39,840 --> 00:17:42,840
but I think we'll probably just go for something a bit more practical.
421
00:17:44,480 --> 00:17:45,960
This is practical.
422
00:17:47,120 --> 00:17:49,240
Oh, no, I didn't mean it like that.
423
00:17:49,240 --> 00:17:52,560
This is practical - I can get crushed ice out of that.
424
00:17:52,560 --> 00:17:54,440
Cathy, no.
425
00:17:54,440 --> 00:17:56,720
And there's a fan as well, somewhere.
426
00:17:59,920 --> 00:18:01,280
Maybe we should go back...
427
00:18:01,280 --> 00:18:03,160
Yes, that's a good idea, Beth.
428
00:18:04,120 --> 00:18:07,160
I would show Michelle my toilet - you'd love that, Michelle,
429
00:18:07,160 --> 00:18:11,720
it's really practical - you can shit in it and then flush it away.
430
00:18:11,720 --> 00:18:14,000
Are you doing anything to the upstairs?
431
00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:17,240
Old Archie that had it, he was never upstairs -
432
00:18:17,240 --> 00:18:20,800
he had his commode and his basin in his living room.
433
00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:23,720
There's Artex on the ceiling in the bedroom that Michelle wants rid of.
434
00:18:23,720 --> 00:18:25,720
Aw, that can be a bugger to get rid of.
435
00:18:25,720 --> 00:18:27,320
I've got a mate that's a plasterer -
436
00:18:27,320 --> 00:18:29,200
I got him to come out and have a look at it.
437
00:18:29,200 --> 00:18:30,520
Oh, aye, and what did he think?
438
00:18:30,520 --> 00:18:32,680
He thought it looked fucking horrible as well.
439
00:18:32,680 --> 00:18:35,240
It'll be worth it when you get it all looking the way you want it.
440
00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:36,440
Oh, aye.
441
00:18:36,440 --> 00:18:38,840
I'm actually turning the back bedroom into a nursery.
442
00:18:38,840 --> 00:18:42,680
- Aw, are you?
- Ah, I said to Beth it won't be long
443
00:18:42,680 --> 00:18:45,800
before she's dragging a pushchair up that driveway.
444
00:18:45,800 --> 00:18:48,360
So is she up the duff just now, is she?
445
00:18:48,360 --> 00:18:49,720
Well, we're trying.
446
00:18:49,720 --> 00:18:51,920
Aw, that's the best bit, Alan, plenty of it.
447
00:18:51,920 --> 00:18:53,920
Enjoy it while it lasts, eh, Eric?
448
00:18:53,920 --> 00:18:55,200
Oh, aye.
449
00:18:55,200 --> 00:18:58,440
I thought I saw a new mattress getting delivered.
450
00:18:58,440 --> 00:19:01,560
That'll be taking a hammering, will it no', Alan?
451
00:19:01,560 --> 00:19:04,840
That's great, Alan - be nice to have more kids on the street.
452
00:19:04,840 --> 00:19:07,840
Our Ian's grown up and away living in a flat now.
453
00:19:07,840 --> 00:19:09,280
With a man.
454
00:19:11,880 --> 00:19:14,080
Here, you must be knackered, all this work
455
00:19:14,080 --> 00:19:16,600
and then you've to get your sleeves rolled up at night as well.
456
00:19:16,600 --> 00:19:18,680
Aye, Michelle's got a thing on her phone that pings
457
00:19:18,680 --> 00:19:21,720
and tells her when's the best time to get rode.
458
00:19:21,720 --> 00:19:24,360
Here, Eric, we'll need to listen for that.
459
00:19:26,360 --> 00:19:28,000
Hey!
460
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:31,200
Aw, here she is, how did you get on?
461
00:19:31,200 --> 00:19:34,840
- Aye, fine.
- Did you have a go on that big leather couch?
462
00:19:34,840 --> 00:19:38,040
Tell you, see that with a pair of crimplene slacks -
463
00:19:38,040 --> 00:19:40,280
you're sliding about like It's A Knockout.
464
00:19:42,720 --> 00:19:45,960
Well, I was going to ask if anyone wanted another cup of tea
465
00:19:45,960 --> 00:19:47,600
but I can see you've already...
466
00:19:47,600 --> 00:19:50,000
Well, we just wanted to give Alan a proper welcome.
467
00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:51,800
Here, Alan, son, watch this.
468
00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:55,120
Wait, wait.
469
00:19:56,240 --> 00:19:57,440
HE BURPS QUIETLY
470
00:19:57,440 --> 00:19:58,600
THEY LAUGH
471
00:19:58,600 --> 00:19:59,920
Thank you!
472
00:19:59,920 --> 00:20:01,760
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
473
00:20:01,760 --> 00:20:03,400
HE BURPS LOUDLY
474
00:20:03,400 --> 00:20:04,800
MICHELLE LAUGHS
475
00:20:04,800 --> 00:20:06,520
CHRISTINE LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY
476
00:20:08,360 --> 00:20:10,080
Michelle, would you like a drink?
477
00:20:10,080 --> 00:20:11,680
I'm having a beer.
478
00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:15,480
That's a beer, a tea and a Fanta I've had aff her.
479
00:20:15,480 --> 00:20:17,080
Good man, Alan!
480
00:20:17,080 --> 00:20:19,560
Well, I'd maybe take a wee glass of wine.
481
00:20:19,560 --> 00:20:21,640
Wine for Michelle, Beth!
482
00:20:28,680 --> 00:20:30,800
- She's a fucking cow.
- What?!
483
00:20:30,800 --> 00:20:32,600
She is trouble.
484
00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:33,880
I am telling you.
485
00:20:33,880 --> 00:20:35,880
Oh, Cathy, don't start.
486
00:20:35,880 --> 00:20:38,520
I say to her her jeans are nice, what do I get back?
487
00:20:38,520 --> 00:20:40,160
- IMITATES:
- "Aw, thank you."
488
00:20:40,160 --> 00:20:41,440
Cathy.
489
00:20:41,440 --> 00:20:45,720
I mention Dubai so I can tell her things, she says she's already been.
490
00:20:45,720 --> 00:20:48,160
And then I invite her into my house,
491
00:20:48,160 --> 00:20:49,600
I walk around my island
492
00:20:49,600 --> 00:20:51,560
and, like, switch lights on and off
493
00:20:51,560 --> 00:20:54,280
all for her, so she can say she prefers it in here!
494
00:20:54,280 --> 00:20:55,560
I mean, come on!
495
00:20:55,560 --> 00:20:56,760
Oh, for goodness' sake.
496
00:20:56,760 --> 00:21:00,360
I know exactly what she's up to.
497
00:21:00,360 --> 00:21:02,640
I've met women like that before -
498
00:21:02,640 --> 00:21:05,520
I've been on nights out with cabin crew.
499
00:21:05,520 --> 00:21:09,080
She's just moved in! She seems like a very nice girl.
500
00:21:09,080 --> 00:21:11,680
- And she's only been here two minutes...
- Aw.
501
00:21:11,680 --> 00:21:13,000
..so go easy!
502
00:21:15,080 --> 00:21:16,120
I'm warning you!
503
00:21:19,120 --> 00:21:21,440
Oh, here, Alan, we've had some laughs in this street,
504
00:21:21,440 --> 00:21:23,400
- have we no', Eric?
- Have we?
505
00:21:23,400 --> 00:21:25,840
Remember the time that you fell on the ice?
506
00:21:25,840 --> 00:21:26,960
Oh!
507
00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:29,480
- THEY LAUGH
- Oh, I remember that.
508
00:21:29,480 --> 00:21:32,600
Here, here, what about that time you locked yourself out your house?
509
00:21:32,600 --> 00:21:34,600
THEY LAUGH
510
00:21:34,600 --> 00:21:36,480
Oh, yeah!
511
00:21:36,480 --> 00:21:40,280
No, no, no, no, remember that time that your ceiling came in?
512
00:21:40,280 --> 00:21:41,680
THEY LAUGH
513
00:21:44,120 --> 00:21:46,280
What's fucking funny about that?
514
00:21:46,280 --> 00:21:48,120
The best, I'll tell you the best,
515
00:21:48,120 --> 00:21:49,800
right, remember that time
516
00:21:49,800 --> 00:21:52,160
you had the flat battery and I came out with the jump leads.
517
00:21:52,160 --> 00:21:54,000
Eric, Eric, Eric, shh,
518
00:21:54,000 --> 00:21:58,280
Michelle's not interested in our boring stories, are you, Michelle?
519
00:22:01,960 --> 00:22:03,600
What happened, Eric?
520
00:22:03,600 --> 00:22:06,680
Well, I said to Beth to park our car next to his,
521
00:22:06,680 --> 00:22:08,960
so she reversed up to his bonnet.
522
00:22:08,960 --> 00:22:11,840
So our boot was next to his bonnet.
523
00:22:11,840 --> 00:22:15,200
And no' as it should have been, bonnet to bonnet.
524
00:22:19,000 --> 00:22:20,800
Well, I wasn't thinking.
525
00:22:20,800 --> 00:22:21,960
Unbelievable.
526
00:22:21,960 --> 00:22:24,240
- Honestly. You want to have seen it!
- What a dozy cow!
527
00:22:27,480 --> 00:22:29,120
Youse'll love it here.
528
00:22:29,120 --> 00:22:31,960
Yes, you'll be very happy.
529
00:22:31,960 --> 00:22:35,600
I tell you what - it's a brilliant place to bring up a wee baby.
530
00:22:36,600 --> 00:22:37,640
Sorry?
531
00:22:38,920 --> 00:22:41,800
Well, Alan and Michelle are trying for a baby, aren't youse?
532
00:22:41,800 --> 00:22:43,720
- Well...
- Are you?!
533
00:22:43,720 --> 00:22:46,680
Aye, she's got a thing on her phone that pings
534
00:22:46,680 --> 00:22:49,320
when it's time for her to get pumped.
535
00:22:49,320 --> 00:22:51,400
What are you doing talking about this?
536
00:22:51,400 --> 00:22:52,760
Aw, we're just chatting...
537
00:22:52,760 --> 00:22:56,280
Well, I think it's lovely, Michelle. Isn't it nice, Eric?
538
00:22:56,280 --> 00:22:58,600
It'll be great to have kids on the street.
539
00:22:58,600 --> 00:22:59,960
That's what I said.
540
00:22:59,960 --> 00:23:03,200
I've got a granddaughter myself, Michelle,
541
00:23:03,200 --> 00:23:06,240
she's living in council accommodation in North Wales.
542
00:23:06,240 --> 00:23:09,480
What happened to the twins that were in that bungalow on the corner?
543
00:23:09,480 --> 00:23:11,080
Fostered out.
544
00:23:11,080 --> 00:23:13,520
Well, it's early days at the moment,
545
00:23:13,520 --> 00:23:16,120
so let's just see what happens, eh?
546
00:23:16,120 --> 00:23:17,320
Here's hoping!
547
00:23:17,320 --> 00:23:20,040
Oh, oh, oh, oh, I think I should take that, Michelle.
548
00:23:20,040 --> 00:23:21,080
Cathy!
549
00:23:22,800 --> 00:23:25,120
No vino for the bambino.
550
00:23:26,400 --> 00:23:28,200
See, if you do run into any trouble,
551
00:23:28,200 --> 00:23:30,520
and you need to get your sperm checked, Alan,
552
00:23:30,520 --> 00:23:33,480
there's a place I went that I'd highly recommend
553
00:23:33,480 --> 00:23:36,760
cos their selection of magazines was, well, was superb.
554
00:23:36,760 --> 00:23:40,000
You know I was done in just under, what, four minutes?
555
00:23:40,000 --> 00:23:42,880
If you're looking for a baby-sitter, Michelle,
556
00:23:42,880 --> 00:23:47,320
my good friend Pat over the back has recently switched to the vaping.
557
00:23:47,320 --> 00:23:49,840
Well, we've got plenty to be getting on with,
558
00:23:49,840 --> 00:23:52,000
with all the stuff needing done to the house, so...
559
00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:53,680
We were just saying, Beth,
560
00:23:53,680 --> 00:23:56,160
how everyone used to muck in and help with the old DIY.
561
00:23:56,160 --> 00:23:57,560
That's right.
562
00:23:57,560 --> 00:23:59,760
Ah, that's kind, but I think we'll be fine.
563
00:23:59,760 --> 00:24:01,800
Awww. Are you sure, Michelle?
564
00:24:01,800 --> 00:24:03,360
- Yeah.
- We can help.
565
00:24:03,360 --> 00:24:04,440
No, honestly.
566
00:24:04,440 --> 00:24:06,320
Cathy, she's fine.
567
00:24:06,320 --> 00:24:10,120
Aw, poor Michelle, so much to do, unpacking boxes,
568
00:24:10,120 --> 00:24:13,600
knocking down porches, lying on your back when your phone pings.
569
00:24:13,600 --> 00:24:14,800
SHOUTS: Cathy!
570
00:24:17,680 --> 00:24:19,760
I don't want your help.
571
00:24:19,760 --> 00:24:22,000
No, no, no, I insist.
572
00:24:22,000 --> 00:24:27,280
In fact, why don't we make a start on things right now.
573
00:24:27,280 --> 00:24:29,280
Cathy!
574
00:24:29,280 --> 00:24:31,040
Where's she going?
575
00:24:38,600 --> 00:24:40,160
MACHINE BEEPS
576
00:24:40,160 --> 00:24:41,480
What on earth?!
577
00:24:45,560 --> 00:24:48,560
What's she doing?
578
00:24:51,520 --> 00:24:55,520
No, no, Cathy! Cathy, stop!!
579
00:24:59,120 --> 00:25:01,680
SHE LAUGHS
580
00:25:03,240 --> 00:25:06,000
I'm actually going up the dump if you're needing anything shifted.
581
00:25:08,280 --> 00:25:09,560
Just a thought.
582
00:25:11,360 --> 00:25:13,120
SHE LAUGHS
583
00:25:15,800 --> 00:25:19,920
I'm gonna roll out the welcome mat for you
584
00:25:19,920 --> 00:25:23,520
Put on my Sunday best for you
585
00:25:23,520 --> 00:25:27,120
Cook up a great big stew for you
586
00:25:27,120 --> 00:25:29,680
That's what I'm gonna do
587
00:25:29,680 --> 00:25:34,280
For you, I'm gonna roll out the welcome mat for you
588
00:25:34,280 --> 00:25:37,040
Now that's what I'm gonna do
589
00:25:37,040 --> 00:25:38,440
For you!
590
00:25:38,440 --> 00:25:41,440
? That's what I'm gonna do For you! ?
591
00:25:41,490 --> 00:25:46,040
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