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- Oh, whoa, whoa! Oh, ya! Jeez!
2
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There he goes, he's not wasting any time.
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"Pssssss.
4
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"Pssssssss!"
5
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Right, Cath, come on, in you go.
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CATHY CHUCKLES
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Well, that was good fun.
8
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Aye, but what about that crowd in the corner?
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I mean, it's a pub quiz, for God's sake,
10
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not the bloody final of Mastermind.
11
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Look, we raised a bit of money.
12
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Exactly, we raised a bit of money, we did a bit for charity,
13
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who cares who won?!
14
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�75 in Debenhams vouchers they walked away with.
15
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You're fucking joking!
16
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Eric, I'm just saying, that mob in the corner.
17
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Aye, who were they?
18
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I think a couple of them were teachers.
19
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Ah, well, they may be brainy but they were very flat-chested.
20
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Right - who's for coffee and who's for tea?
21
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- Coffee.
- Tea.
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Large vodka tonic.
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MUSIC: S.O.B by Nathaniel Rateliff & The Night Sweats
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SYNC by DakinPEx
SUBSCENE
25
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DOG BARKS
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- Oh, thanks, hen.
- Thanks.
27
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Aye, it's right enough - a male fox is a dog.
28
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- Mm-hm.
- Told you!
29
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Unbelievable!
30
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- And what did we put?
- A bull.
31
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How have I gone through life no' knowing that!
32
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A male fox is a dog
33
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and a female fox is a....
34
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- Vixen.
- How do you know that, Beth?
35
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- I just do.
- You knew tonnes of the nature ones.
36
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What was that other one she knew?
37
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Joey, joey!
38
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A baby kangaroo is a joey.
39
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Aw, remember Joey from Friends?
40
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I would still actually shag him, Beth.
41
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How do you know all that, Beth?
42
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I do actually have a brain, you know.
43
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I haven't spent my entire life in here making tea and washing clothes.
44
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- Tell them!
- No.
45
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- What?
- Tell them. - Tell us what?
46
00:02:10,389 --> 00:02:15,149
When I was younger, I was going to train to be a vet's nurse.
47
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Oh, I thought it was going to be something interesting.
48
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And why did you not do it?
49
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I don't know, I just ended up getting a job,
50
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- and getting married...
- Oh, aye, it's my fault!
51
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Oh, my God, Colin, can you imagine Beth helping the farmer
52
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pull the wee calf out of the cow's bottom?
53
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You could still go to college and do it, Beth.
54
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- Oh, no, no.
- No, she's too old, Colin.
55
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Mature student!
56
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Pound a pint, Beth.
57
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Look, it was a long time ago,
58
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and I'm not about to start any training for a job now.
59
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Quite right, Beth, it's easier just to do nothing.
60
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I tell you what,
61
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I'm a wee bit peckish.
62
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Oh, do you want a biscuit?
63
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No, no, no, no' a biscuit.
64
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I'm not hungry, Beth, I'm just enjoying drinking.
65
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We should've stopped off for something on the way home.
66
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Aye, you're right enough, Eric. Bag of chips, eh?
67
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- Oh, aye.
- Oooh, big, fat salty chips, Eric, hmm?
68
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And a glass of beautiful wine.
69
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What do you take with yours, Eric?
70
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Usually a battered sausage.
71
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He's such a greedy bastard, Beth.
72
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- Anyway...
- Shame we never thought.
73
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Here, I'll tell you what's even better than chippy chips.
74
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What?
75
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Home-made chips.
76
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Oh, Beth!
77
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- No.
- Come on, Beth.
78
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- Home-made chips done in the pan.
- Ooooh.
79
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Forget it!
80
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Home-made chips, served with salt and vinegar,
81
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and a big skoosh of tomato sauce.
82
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No. No way! I am not making chips at this time of night.
83
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Eric, tell them.
84
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Eric?
85
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RADIO PLAYS IN BACKGROUND
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KNOCK ON DOOR
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- Oh, hullo, Beth, you're in.
- Christine, you all right?
88
00:04:02,549 --> 00:04:05,589
Fine. Well, I'm fine.
89
00:04:05,589 --> 00:04:07,429
- Pat's not.
- What's wrong?
90
00:04:07,429 --> 00:04:09,949
- She got attacked by a dog.
- Oh, my God.
91
00:04:09,949 --> 00:04:12,589
- Her dog, friendly fire.
- What happened?
92
00:04:12,589 --> 00:04:15,309
She was just reaching into her fridge to get a bit
93
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of that smoked ham to tide her over till her dinner
94
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and, next thing she knew, it had sunk its teeth
95
00:04:21,309 --> 00:04:24,509
- into the back of her legs.
- Oh, that's terrible.
96
00:04:24,509 --> 00:04:27,109
Well, she will buy that dear ham, Beth.
97
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Come in, you'd better come in.
98
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I'll not stop long, Beth.
99
00:04:36,469 --> 00:04:38,189
I'm just on my way up to the hospital
100
00:04:38,189 --> 00:04:39,469
with a bag of stuff for her.
101
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I said to her, "Don't you worry, Pat, I am here for you any time,
102
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"day or night, you can count on me, I won't let you down."
103
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SHE SNIFFS
104
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What's that smell?
105
00:04:53,669 --> 00:04:55,709
Are you doing chips?
106
00:04:55,709 --> 00:04:57,709
Where did you say Ian was again?
107
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Amsterdam, for a long weekend.
108
00:04:59,869 --> 00:05:03,109
Och, Amsterdam, that's all drugs and sex shows
109
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and prostitutes there.
110
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We're booked to go in October.
111
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If it's no' one thing, it's another.
112
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Christine!
113
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What are you doing here?
114
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- I'm on my way to the hospital.
- What for?
115
00:05:15,189 --> 00:05:18,029
- Pat's dog's had a go at her.
- Aw, no!
116
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Mmm, went for the back of her leg
117
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and then got a slice of ham off her when she was down.
118
00:05:22,069 --> 00:05:25,309
- Is she all right?
- Not bad. She's had a tetanus
119
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and I'm just taking her up a clean pair of knickers and a tangerine.
120
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What about the dog?
121
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It's in the hut with its teddy.
122
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What are you pair doing here?
123
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Oh, we were away at a quiz night.
124
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- Oh, a quiz night?
- Yes.
125
00:05:36,509 --> 00:05:38,989
Oh, I like a quiz.
126
00:05:38,989 --> 00:05:41,029
- Go on, give us a question.
- Eh?
127
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Ask me a question.
128
00:05:42,949 --> 00:05:44,229
You staying long?
129
00:05:44,229 --> 00:05:46,309
- CATH LAUGHS
- Cheeky bastard.
130
00:05:46,309 --> 00:05:49,189
- So, did youse win?
- We came third. - Mm.
131
00:05:49,189 --> 00:05:51,109
- What did you get for that?
- A bottle of wine.
132
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- Cheap, horrible red wine.
- Where is it by the way?
133
00:05:54,229 --> 00:05:55,709
I've got it in my bag.
134
00:05:55,709 --> 00:05:57,709
You staying for some chips, Christine?
135
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Oh, mm, I don't know.
136
00:05:59,309 --> 00:06:01,549
I've got to get to Pat at the hospital.
137
00:06:01,549 --> 00:06:03,709
- BETH:
- You're welcome if you want to, Christine?
138
00:06:03,709 --> 00:06:05,309
Mmm...
139
00:06:05,309 --> 00:06:06,589
Right.
140
00:06:06,589 --> 00:06:09,189
OK, then, I'll maybe take a few.
141
00:06:09,189 --> 00:06:11,629
- Right, no bother.
- And a slice of bread.
142
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A slice of bread, right.
143
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In fact, two slices.
144
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Two slices. You mean like a chip butty?
145
00:06:17,229 --> 00:06:20,269
Oh, good idea, Beth. Aye, a chip butty.
146
00:06:21,749 --> 00:06:23,949
Oh, Beth, could you put the fan on?
147
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I don't want to have to wash my hair when I go home.
148
00:06:26,989 --> 00:06:31,829
Here, Christine, if I said to you what is a male fox called,
149
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what would you say?
150
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I'd say what the fuck are you asking me that for?
151
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Naw, it was a question in the quiz!
152
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Oh, I see!
153
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A male fox...
154
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Well, well, I don't...
155
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Is it no' just a fox?
156
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Ah, but is it?
157
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I mean, a female fox is a vixen.
158
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Oh, so it is.
159
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And a male fox...
160
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Oh, I don't know.
161
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Is it a stud?
162
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It's a dog.
163
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- A dog? How is it a dog?
- It just is.
164
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Well, what's a male dog called? And don't say a fucking fox.
165
00:07:06,949 --> 00:07:09,589
Well, a dog would just be a dog.
166
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Fucking foxes going into bins and then running away
167
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when you try to pat them.
168
00:07:14,909 --> 00:07:17,269
- BETH:
- Nearly there, almost done.
169
00:07:17,269 --> 00:07:20,029
Here, Beth, were you at this thing?
170
00:07:20,029 --> 00:07:22,309
They're saying a fox is a...
171
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What is it?
172
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- ERIC:
- A male fox is a dog.
173
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- A dog, aye.
- BETH: - That's right.
174
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And she should know, she studied to be a vet.
175
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A vet's nurse, Colin. She's not brainy enough to be an actual vet.
176
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I didn't study, I was just interested in it.
177
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Oh, I love animals.
178
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I think you'd be magic at it, Beth, you know, washing their fur
179
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before the operation and getting them shaved and whatnot.
180
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And, like, holding them down when they're angry.
181
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I've seen that. Angry cats not wanting the torch in their ears.
182
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Not just so keen on cats, they can have a temper, the wee shites.
183
00:07:59,429 --> 00:08:02,109
- Right, ask me another one.
- Right.
184
00:08:02,109 --> 00:08:05,749
- Who was the second man on the Moon?
- The second man on the Moon? - Aye.
185
00:08:06,829 --> 00:08:08,909
Oh, I canny think.
186
00:08:08,909 --> 00:08:11,869
Oh, you'll get it. Just think about it. Who was the first?
187
00:08:11,869 --> 00:08:14,709
- Oh, well, I know that.
- Yeah? - Of course.
188
00:08:14,709 --> 00:08:16,989
Louis Armstrong.
189
00:08:16,989 --> 00:08:18,789
OK, here we go.
190
00:08:18,789 --> 00:08:20,749
Christine, your chip butty's just coming.
191
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Aw, bless you, Beth.
192
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- I'm sure Pat won't mind me...
- ERIC: - Lovely.
193
00:08:24,789 --> 00:08:27,029
..getting a wee five minutes with my chips.
194
00:08:30,989 --> 00:08:34,269
Aw, you're not putting mayonnaise in your chips, are you?
195
00:08:34,269 --> 00:08:37,029
That's what the French do, Christine. In't it, Eric?
196
00:08:37,029 --> 00:08:38,829
Aye, that's right, French fries.
197
00:08:38,829 --> 00:08:41,029
Aye, they also shit into a hole in the ground
198
00:08:41,029 --> 00:08:43,589
- but that doesnae make it a good idea.
- Christine...
199
00:08:43,589 --> 00:08:46,829
..French cuisine is some of the best in the world, isn't it, Colin?
200
00:08:46,829 --> 00:08:47,869
That's right.
201
00:08:47,869 --> 00:08:51,749
That Nando's that we went to in Calais, it's the best I've been to.
202
00:08:51,749 --> 00:08:54,469
So, how are you getting up to the hospital, Christine?
203
00:08:54,469 --> 00:08:57,429
Oh, I thought I might just get a taxi, you know?
204
00:09:00,029 --> 00:09:02,549
Well, unless any of you could...
205
00:09:02,549 --> 00:09:05,029
Well, ah, you know, I've had a couple of drinks, so I'm out.
206
00:09:05,029 --> 00:09:08,589
- Naw, listen, I've had a few pints, so...
- I'm pissed. - ..sorry.
207
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Ah!
208
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Hot, hot, hot!
209
00:09:12,069 --> 00:09:14,749
Break it in half, Cathy,
210
00:09:14,749 --> 00:09:17,909
you've got to let the air in at the heart of the chip.
211
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And blow, that's it.
212
00:09:21,629 --> 00:09:23,869
That's it, that's it, blow.
213
00:09:24,949 --> 00:09:26,429
That's it, Eric.
214
00:09:26,429 --> 00:09:28,869
Oh, there you go, Christine. Here's yours coming.
215
00:09:28,869 --> 00:09:30,389
HE MIMICS A FANFARE
216
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- Give it here.
- CHRISTINE LAUGHS
217
00:09:32,709 --> 00:09:33,829
Oh...
218
00:09:33,829 --> 00:09:36,429
Oh, not bad, Beth, not bad.
219
00:09:36,429 --> 00:09:41,149
But you could've snuck a couple of wee ones in at the edge there.
220
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Here, Beth.
221
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I could go a wee slice of bread myself.
222
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Cathy?
223
00:09:48,029 --> 00:09:49,989
No, thanks, I don't eat carbs.
224
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CAR ENGINE RUMBLES OUTSIDE
225
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What's that?
226
00:10:02,549 --> 00:10:04,309
What is it?
227
00:10:04,309 --> 00:10:06,109
Is it the police?
228
00:10:06,109 --> 00:10:07,589
No.
229
00:10:07,589 --> 00:10:08,949
Is that...?
230
00:10:08,949 --> 00:10:10,429
- Is that Ian?
- Eh?
231
00:10:10,429 --> 00:10:12,389
- BETH:
- No, it can't be, he's in Amsterdam.
232
00:10:12,389 --> 00:10:14,429
It is. It's Ian and Gordon.
233
00:10:14,429 --> 00:10:17,029
- ERIC:
- What? - CHRISTINE:
234
00:10:17,029 --> 00:10:18,829
I don't know what they're doing.
235
00:10:18,829 --> 00:10:21,149
Eric, go out and see what's going on.
236
00:10:31,149 --> 00:10:33,709
- Ian.
- Dad.
237
00:10:33,709 --> 00:10:36,469
- You all right?
- Sorry, did we wake you up?
238
00:10:36,469 --> 00:10:38,389
No, no, no, we were up.
239
00:10:38,389 --> 00:10:39,989
Everything all right?
240
00:10:41,109 --> 00:10:43,789
- You all right, Gordon, son?
- Hello, Mr Baird.
241
00:10:43,789 --> 00:10:45,589
How come you're back?
242
00:10:45,589 --> 00:10:47,909
Och, we just thought we'd get an earlier flight.
243
00:10:47,909 --> 00:10:51,029
- Oh, right.
- Sorta seen everything we wanted to see, hadn't we?
244
00:10:51,029 --> 00:10:52,509
Well, I had.
245
00:10:54,069 --> 00:10:55,149
Right.
246
00:10:55,149 --> 00:10:57,069
Er, do you want to come in?
247
00:10:58,429 --> 00:10:59,909
Your mum's made chips.
248
00:11:07,109 --> 00:11:09,669
DOOR CLOSES
249
00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:12,629
- Oh, hi, Gordon!
- Everything all right?
250
00:11:12,629 --> 00:11:14,229
Aye, fine, fine.
251
00:11:14,229 --> 00:11:17,149
Look at this, Gordon. Bread, butter and chips.
252
00:11:17,149 --> 00:11:19,469
What more could you ask for, eh?
253
00:11:19,469 --> 00:11:20,789
A triple heart bypass?
254
00:11:20,789 --> 00:11:23,509
I hear you've been in Amsterdam.
255
00:11:23,509 --> 00:11:26,309
Two naughty boys in Amsterdam, eh?
256
00:11:26,309 --> 00:11:28,469
Well, one.
257
00:11:28,469 --> 00:11:31,269
Is this you just coming straight from the airport, is it?
258
00:11:31,269 --> 00:11:34,269
Aye, we left our car here, save paying for parking, you know?
259
00:11:34,269 --> 00:11:36,029
Did you smoke cannabis, Gordon?
260
00:11:36,029 --> 00:11:40,189
I smoked it once, it made me want to watch loads of cartoons.
261
00:11:40,189 --> 00:11:42,269
Ah, the old wacky baccy, eh?
262
00:11:42,269 --> 00:11:43,909
They put it in cakes, don't they?
263
00:11:43,909 --> 00:11:45,549
Imagine that, Christine.
264
00:11:45,549 --> 00:11:47,429
Oh, yes, I can.
265
00:11:47,429 --> 00:11:50,869
Folk spiking your Victoria sponge.
266
00:11:50,869 --> 00:11:53,629
One minute it's afternoon tea,
267
00:11:53,629 --> 00:11:57,109
the next you're starring in a snuff movie.
268
00:11:57,109 --> 00:12:01,149
It's only one area that's like that, the city's actually really nice.
269
00:12:01,149 --> 00:12:04,269
Yes, it is, Ian, it is a beautiful place.
270
00:12:05,349 --> 00:12:08,269
Remember I saw that woman with the cock?
271
00:12:08,269 --> 00:12:10,349
You're back a bit early, are you not?
272
00:12:10,349 --> 00:12:13,389
Yeah, we just sort of had enough, didn't we?
273
00:12:14,629 --> 00:12:15,669
Uh-huh.
274
00:12:18,669 --> 00:12:19,949
Can I use your toilet, please?
275
00:12:22,949 --> 00:12:24,709
SHE MOUTHS: What's going on?
276
00:12:24,709 --> 00:12:26,229
BATHROOM DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES
277
00:12:29,069 --> 00:12:30,709
Mm-hm.
278
00:12:34,429 --> 00:12:36,989
Aw, look, Beth's left her chips.
279
00:12:36,989 --> 00:12:39,629
Oh, that's a shame to let them go cold.
280
00:12:39,629 --> 00:12:42,349
Cathy, pass us they chips over, will you?
281
00:12:44,309 --> 00:12:46,989
Look, we had a bit of a disagreement
282
00:12:46,989 --> 00:12:49,469
and we decided that it would be better if we just came home.
283
00:12:49,469 --> 00:12:52,629
- Disagreement about what?
- Ugh, nothing that important.
284
00:12:52,629 --> 00:12:54,709
- Is it drugs?
- No! - Is it money?
285
00:12:54,709 --> 00:12:58,029
- Did you spend all your money on drugs?
- No!
286
00:12:58,029 --> 00:13:01,149
There's obviously something quite seriously wrong.
287
00:13:01,149 --> 00:13:02,189
Oh, aye.
288
00:13:02,189 --> 00:13:06,349
- You don't spend money on a weekend away and then come home early.
- No.
289
00:13:07,749 --> 00:13:10,029
Although I did when we went to Belfast
290
00:13:10,029 --> 00:13:11,829
and I didn't like the accents.
291
00:13:11,829 --> 00:13:14,589
Maybe they didn't come home out of choice.
292
00:13:14,589 --> 00:13:17,309
- What do you mean?
- Maybe they've been deported. - What?!
293
00:13:17,309 --> 00:13:20,429
Could be. I mean, we went there with the football,
294
00:13:20,429 --> 00:13:23,069
there was a couple of the boys got put on to the plane back home.
295
00:13:23,069 --> 00:13:25,149
- How, what did they do?
- Nothing.
296
00:13:25,149 --> 00:13:26,789
Shat in the canal.
297
00:13:26,789 --> 00:13:28,669
We went for a night out last night
298
00:13:28,669 --> 00:13:31,189
and Gordon didn't like the place that we went to.
299
00:13:31,189 --> 00:13:33,909
Yeah, but you don't jump on the next plane home just cos of that.
300
00:13:33,909 --> 00:13:35,509
TOILET FLUSHES
301
00:13:36,549 --> 00:13:37,949
All right?
302
00:13:37,949 --> 00:13:39,309
Yeah, fine.
303
00:13:40,749 --> 00:13:43,629
- Ah, are you going to tell me what's going on?
- Nothing.
304
00:13:44,789 --> 00:13:47,749
- Is it drugs?
- No, but if you keep asking that I'm going to need some.
305
00:13:47,749 --> 00:13:51,869
- Well, this place you went to, what went on there?
- Nothing.
306
00:13:51,869 --> 00:13:55,869
It was fine, it was just a bar, wasn't it?
307
00:13:58,709 --> 00:14:00,109
What was it called?
308
00:14:00,109 --> 00:14:01,309
The Hole.
309
00:14:02,429 --> 00:14:03,909
Oh.
310
00:14:03,909 --> 00:14:05,069
Huh.
311
00:14:05,069 --> 00:14:08,709
Remember that time I came home from Guernsey three days early?
312
00:14:08,709 --> 00:14:10,149
Oh, no' this.
313
00:14:10,149 --> 00:14:15,229
I will never, ever set foot in the Channel Islands again.
314
00:14:15,229 --> 00:14:17,949
Or play crazy golf in flip flops.
315
00:14:17,949 --> 00:14:19,389
Shhh!
316
00:14:19,389 --> 00:14:22,709
Cathy, leave them alone. It's none of our business.
317
00:14:22,709 --> 00:14:25,349
Leave them to it. Let them sort it between them.
318
00:14:25,349 --> 00:14:26,709
Mm-hm.
319
00:14:26,709 --> 00:14:29,669
It's quite natural for couples to have wee disagreements
320
00:14:29,669 --> 00:14:31,269
now and again.
321
00:14:31,269 --> 00:14:33,749
No need for us to poke our noses in.
322
00:14:39,429 --> 00:14:43,189
- Should I...?
- Aye, fire in, Cathy, see what the story is.
323
00:14:44,469 --> 00:14:46,509
HE SIGHS
324
00:14:47,749 --> 00:14:50,909
Oh, sorry, I didn't realise you were in here.
325
00:14:52,789 --> 00:14:55,189
I'll just get a glass of water.
326
00:14:56,989 --> 00:14:59,269
It was absolutely disgusting. Honestly, Mrs Baird,
327
00:14:59,269 --> 00:15:00,709
I've never seen anything like it.
328
00:15:00,709 --> 00:15:02,949
It's Amsterdam, what do you expect?
329
00:15:02,949 --> 00:15:05,309
Erm, this'll be fine.
330
00:15:17,389 --> 00:15:19,909
Oh, carry on, I'm not, I'm not listening.
331
00:15:21,029 --> 00:15:22,949
I just thought...
332
00:15:22,949 --> 00:15:24,589
..you might enjoy it.
333
00:15:24,589 --> 00:15:27,749
- Did he take you to a sex show, Gordon?
- Cathy! - Did he?
334
00:15:27,749 --> 00:15:30,469
- Was there actual penetration?
- No!
335
00:15:30,469 --> 00:15:33,349
It was not a sex show...
336
00:15:33,349 --> 00:15:35,349
- ..it was a bar.
- A gay bar?
337
00:15:35,349 --> 00:15:36,669
Yes, a gay bar.
338
00:15:36,669 --> 00:15:39,069
Were there, like, loads of men with their tops off, like,
339
00:15:39,069 --> 00:15:41,229
- rubbing up against each other?
- Cathy!
340
00:15:41,229 --> 00:15:43,229
I'm just trying to visualise it!
341
00:15:43,229 --> 00:15:47,349
You know, did they have like really short hair and great teeth?
342
00:15:47,349 --> 00:15:49,909
Look, I really wanted to go to Amsterdam
343
00:15:49,909 --> 00:15:52,989
and I was happy to go to that bar, I just didn't expect...
344
00:15:52,989 --> 00:15:54,669
I just...
345
00:15:54,669 --> 00:15:57,029
What were you doing in that cubicle?
346
00:15:57,029 --> 00:15:58,229
Boom!
347
00:15:58,229 --> 00:16:00,749
Cathy, why don't we go through to the living room?
348
00:16:00,749 --> 00:16:01,989
Oh, no way!
349
00:16:01,989 --> 00:16:04,549
Cathy, living room, now!
350
00:16:15,749 --> 00:16:17,669
Cathy!
351
00:16:17,669 --> 00:16:19,269
Living room, now!
352
00:16:24,349 --> 00:16:25,589
What's gone on?
353
00:16:25,589 --> 00:16:27,669
It's between Ian and Gordon.
354
00:16:28,989 --> 00:16:31,669
They went to a gay bar and Ian did something in a cubicle.
355
00:16:31,669 --> 00:16:32,709
Oh, dear.
356
00:16:32,709 --> 00:16:34,429
Well, what's wrong with that?
357
00:16:34,429 --> 00:16:36,669
If I was a man, I'd go in to a cubicle
358
00:16:36,669 --> 00:16:39,749
as opposed to standing at a trough with my willy out.
359
00:16:39,749 --> 00:16:42,269
Not that kind of cubicle, Christine!
360
00:16:42,269 --> 00:16:43,509
A booth.
361
00:16:43,509 --> 00:16:45,669
A gay sex booth.
362
00:16:45,669 --> 00:16:47,389
Oh.
363
00:16:47,389 --> 00:16:48,789
Oh, hell.
364
00:16:52,669 --> 00:16:54,469
You ever been to a gay bar, Eric?
365
00:16:54,469 --> 00:16:56,229
Me? No.
366
00:16:56,229 --> 00:16:58,509
- I have. Haven't I, Cathy?
- Yeah.
367
00:16:58,509 --> 00:17:00,829
In London. Fair play to them.
368
00:17:00,829 --> 00:17:03,549
It was actually a very welcoming and friendly place.
369
00:17:03,549 --> 00:17:07,029
There was music on, they had a fruit machine, they even had pints.
370
00:17:07,029 --> 00:17:10,589
- Really, aye?
- Aye, I got talking to this wee Moroccan guy
371
00:17:10,589 --> 00:17:13,909
- wi' a denim jacket on. I had a great night.
- Ah.
372
00:17:13,909 --> 00:17:17,989
- You didn't go to the toilet, though, did you?
- No chance.
373
00:17:17,989 --> 00:17:21,909
I shared a table with a lesbian in Costas, didn't I, Beth?
374
00:17:21,909 --> 00:17:23,189
You did.
375
00:17:25,629 --> 00:17:28,149
Look, I'm sorry.
376
00:17:28,149 --> 00:17:30,269
I should've asked you first, I get it.
377
00:17:30,269 --> 00:17:31,669
I just...
378
00:17:31,669 --> 00:17:34,309
I don't know why you'd even want to do that with someone else.
379
00:17:34,309 --> 00:17:35,789
It was just a bit of fun in a bar,
380
00:17:35,789 --> 00:17:37,709
it's not like I've actually cheated on you.
381
00:17:37,709 --> 00:17:38,909
You had his cock in your hand!
382
00:17:38,909 --> 00:17:40,069
Shhh!
383
00:17:43,349 --> 00:17:44,709
Look...
384
00:17:44,709 --> 00:17:47,429
..I'm really sorry.
385
00:17:47,429 --> 00:17:50,269
I don't want this to cause any trouble between us.
386
00:17:50,269 --> 00:17:52,109
I shouldn't have done it
387
00:17:52,109 --> 00:17:54,229
and I promise it won't happen again.
388
00:17:58,829 --> 00:18:01,709
Christine, should you no' be getting up the road to that hospital?
389
00:18:01,709 --> 00:18:03,669
This is important, Eric.
390
00:18:03,669 --> 00:18:06,069
Pat herself will be very interested to know
391
00:18:06,069 --> 00:18:07,749
what went on in that cubicle.
392
00:18:07,749 --> 00:18:09,709
I think she'd rather have some pyjamas.
393
00:18:09,709 --> 00:18:13,509
Well, you say that, Beth, but these wards are like saunas,
394
00:18:13,509 --> 00:18:15,509
she'll be fine in her pants.
395
00:18:15,509 --> 00:18:17,869
- They keeping her in overnight, are they?
- Aye.
396
00:18:17,869 --> 00:18:20,469
Well, best place for her. She's in safe hands.
397
00:18:20,469 --> 00:18:24,189
- I mean, thank God for the NHS, eh?
- Aye. - Oh, yes.
398
00:18:24,189 --> 00:18:26,709
- BETH:
- We've got Bupa, don't we? - Oh, aye. I mean, well,
399
00:18:26,709 --> 00:18:29,269
you canny muck about when it's to do with your health, you know?
400
00:18:32,549 --> 00:18:34,909
So, er...
401
00:18:34,909 --> 00:18:36,789
..everything all right?
402
00:18:36,789 --> 00:18:38,549
- Yeah.
- Fine.
403
00:18:38,549 --> 00:18:40,709
Sure?
404
00:18:40,709 --> 00:18:44,109
- Ah...
- You staying for a cup of tea?
405
00:18:44,109 --> 00:18:46,069
BOTH: OK.
406
00:18:46,069 --> 00:18:47,309
Anyone else?
407
00:18:47,309 --> 00:18:50,349
- I'll take a wee glass of wine, Beth.
- I'll have a beer.
408
00:18:50,349 --> 00:18:52,909
Oh, aye, me an' all!
409
00:18:52,909 --> 00:18:56,149
Gordon, would you mind, once you've had your cup of tea,
410
00:18:56,149 --> 00:18:58,429
giving me a run up to the hospital?
411
00:18:58,429 --> 00:19:00,029
Erm, sure, yeah.
412
00:19:00,029 --> 00:19:02,669
Pat's been involved in an altercation with a dog
413
00:19:02,669 --> 00:19:04,349
over a piece of ham.
414
00:19:04,349 --> 00:19:07,269
I'll fill you in on all the details on the way up.
415
00:19:07,269 --> 00:19:09,069
So, have you all been out tonight?
416
00:19:09,069 --> 00:19:10,349
Quiz night.
417
00:19:10,349 --> 00:19:12,349
Ask him the question, Colin, ask him.
418
00:19:12,349 --> 00:19:15,869
Right, what is a male fox called?
419
00:19:15,869 --> 00:19:18,069
GORDON: I know! A dog!
420
00:19:18,069 --> 00:19:19,949
- What?!
- A dog!
421
00:19:19,949 --> 00:19:23,229
- COLIN: Can you believe that?
- His general knowledge is amazing.
422
00:19:23,229 --> 00:19:25,109
I keep telling him he should go on Pointless.
423
00:19:25,109 --> 00:19:27,789
Aw, Pointless, is that the one with the big streak of pish
424
00:19:27,789 --> 00:19:29,309
- and the glasses?
- Aye.
425
00:19:29,309 --> 00:19:30,509
- BETH:
- Aw, I like him.
426
00:19:30,509 --> 00:19:34,109
Oh, Beth, you've got such shit taste in men.
427
00:19:35,909 --> 00:19:37,869
I applied to go on a quiz show.
428
00:19:37,869 --> 00:19:41,349
- Did you?
- Do you remember Wheel of Fortune?
429
00:19:41,349 --> 00:19:44,269
GORDON: Oh, with the, erm, with the wheel?
430
00:19:44,269 --> 00:19:46,469
Oh, oh, I loved that!
431
00:19:46,469 --> 00:19:49,589
Who was the woman who turned the letters?
432
00:19:49,589 --> 00:19:52,989
- Eh, Carol Smillie.
- Ah, that's it. Carol Smillie.
433
00:19:52,989 --> 00:19:55,749
I saw her once scraping bird shit off her windscreen
434
00:19:55,749 --> 00:19:57,029
with a debit card.
435
00:19:57,029 --> 00:19:59,109
She wasnae too smiley then, I can tell you.
436
00:19:59,109 --> 00:20:00,309
THEY LAUGH
437
00:20:00,309 --> 00:20:02,709
Here, Eric, do you ever watch Family Fortunes?
438
00:20:02,709 --> 00:20:04,229
Och, aye, it's all right.
439
00:20:04,229 --> 00:20:05,509
SHE MIMICS A BUZZER
440
00:20:05,509 --> 00:20:07,589
I tell you what, they get some crackers on that.
441
00:20:07,589 --> 00:20:08,989
SHE MIMICS A BUZZER
442
00:20:08,989 --> 00:20:10,789
Here, we go, listen to this.
443
00:20:10,789 --> 00:20:15,789
We said name something beginning with Z
444
00:20:15,789 --> 00:20:18,469
and this guy's said, wait for it...
445
00:20:18,469 --> 00:20:20,469
..xylophone! THEY LAUGH
446
00:20:21,909 --> 00:20:25,349
Here's another one. Name something made of wool.
447
00:20:25,349 --> 00:20:27,469
Oh, I know, I know. A jumper, a jumper.
448
00:20:27,469 --> 00:20:29,909
Aye, no, but this guy's said a sheep!
449
00:20:29,909 --> 00:20:32,189
THEY LAUGH
450
00:20:32,189 --> 00:20:35,029
CATHY MIMICS A BUZZER
451
00:20:35,029 --> 00:20:37,789
Have you ever heard anything like it, Eric?
452
00:20:37,789 --> 00:20:39,669
I mean, that's just the height of stupidity.
453
00:20:39,669 --> 00:20:42,109
Aw, it can't be easy going on one of those shows.
454
00:20:42,109 --> 00:20:44,829
Aye, especially if you've only got half a brain.
455
00:20:44,829 --> 00:20:47,149
It hasnae stopped Vernon Kay.
456
00:20:47,149 --> 00:20:48,509
Here's another one.
457
00:20:48,509 --> 00:20:53,229
They were asked to name a bird with a long neck
458
00:20:53,229 --> 00:20:54,989
and they said...
459
00:20:54,989 --> 00:20:56,429
..Naomi Campbell.
460
00:20:56,429 --> 00:21:00,149
THEY LAUGH
461
00:21:00,149 --> 00:21:03,469
I tell you, see tonight at the quiz, Ian,
462
00:21:03,469 --> 00:21:06,589
- your mum was a star.
- Aw, was she? - No, I wasn't.
463
00:21:06,589 --> 00:21:08,549
- She was.
- Aye, you were.
464
00:21:08,549 --> 00:21:11,509
You were, Beth! See at the science and nature round.
465
00:21:11,509 --> 00:21:14,229
Oooh, snakes, Gordon. Sssss.
466
00:21:14,229 --> 00:21:18,389
Do you know, Ian, that your mum was very nearly a vet's nurse?
467
00:21:18,389 --> 00:21:21,029
- I didn't know that.
- Aw, you'd have been brilliant at that.
468
00:21:21,029 --> 00:21:22,269
That's what I said.
469
00:21:22,269 --> 00:21:25,349
Have you ever seen the cat getting the torch in its ear?
470
00:21:25,349 --> 00:21:27,909
Do you like cats, Gordon?
471
00:21:27,909 --> 00:21:29,269
Don't mind them.
472
00:21:29,269 --> 00:21:32,629
Mmm, each to their own.
473
00:21:32,629 --> 00:21:35,909
COLIN: Eric, what would you have done
474
00:21:35,909 --> 00:21:38,349
if you could've done anything in the world?
475
00:21:38,349 --> 00:21:40,509
Oh, God, now you're asking.
476
00:21:40,509 --> 00:21:41,589
Er...
477
00:21:41,589 --> 00:21:45,309
Well, I do remember when I was a wee boy,
478
00:21:45,309 --> 00:21:47,349
I really wanted to be an astronaut.
479
00:21:47,349 --> 00:21:51,349
CHRISTINE: Fuck me, the rocket would never have got off the ground.
480
00:21:51,349 --> 00:21:54,429
- CATHY:
- If I could've been anything at all,
481
00:21:54,429 --> 00:21:57,669
I would've been a singer!
482
00:21:57,669 --> 00:21:59,669
Aw, can you sing?
483
00:21:59,669 --> 00:22:01,589
No.
484
00:22:01,589 --> 00:22:03,909
- But I tell you what I can do.
- What?
485
00:22:03,909 --> 00:22:06,469
I can do the crab, can't I, Colin?
486
00:22:06,469 --> 00:22:08,869
- Eh?
- Cathy... - You know the thing when I bend backwards
487
00:22:08,869 --> 00:22:11,149
- and I walk on my hands.
- Oh, aye, aye, aye.
488
00:22:11,149 --> 00:22:12,949
- Do you want to see?
- Er, no, Cathy!
489
00:22:12,949 --> 00:22:16,149
Yes. Come on, Colin, move this shit out the way.
490
00:22:16,149 --> 00:22:18,509
Move the pouffe.
491
00:22:18,509 --> 00:22:21,909
- Right, that's it.
- CHRISTINE: Mm-hm. - That's it.
492
00:22:21,909 --> 00:22:23,949
- COLIN: That's you.
- OK.
493
00:22:25,389 --> 00:22:27,629
- Get them to count, Col.
- All right.
494
00:22:27,629 --> 00:22:32,069
- ALL:
- One, two, three...
495
00:22:32,069 --> 00:22:34,149
THEY CHEER
496
00:22:37,829 --> 00:22:39,429
- Right, who's next? ERIC:
- Eh?
497
00:22:39,429 --> 00:22:42,709
- Christine, what's your party piece?
- Oh, she can do magic.
498
00:22:42,709 --> 00:22:45,389
- Can I?
- Oh, aye, every time you come round here
499
00:22:45,389 --> 00:22:46,989
all our food and drink disappears.
500
00:22:46,989 --> 00:22:48,749
THEY LAUGH
501
00:22:48,749 --> 00:22:50,189
You do yours then, Eric.
502
00:22:50,189 --> 00:22:52,629
Aw, I know what his is, I've seen it hundreds of times.
503
00:22:52,629 --> 00:22:55,709
- What is it, Mr Baird?
- The Vanishing Banknote!
504
00:22:55,709 --> 00:22:57,869
Colin, do you have a tenner upon you?
505
00:22:57,869 --> 00:22:59,909
Aye, hold on.
506
00:22:59,909 --> 00:23:01,189
- There you go.
- Thank you.
507
00:23:01,189 --> 00:23:03,149
Perfectly ordinary �10 note.
508
00:23:03,149 --> 00:23:04,309
Now, watch carefully.
509
00:23:05,509 --> 00:23:08,229
Notice how the hand never leaves the wrist.
510
00:23:08,229 --> 00:23:09,309
- CATHY:
- Aw, get on with it.
511
00:23:09,309 --> 00:23:11,349
- ERIC:
- Aye, all right. You watchin'?
512
00:23:13,629 --> 00:23:15,069
THEY GASP
513
00:23:16,629 --> 00:23:18,909
Aw, that's good, Eric.
514
00:23:18,909 --> 00:23:20,949
- Eh, how about that?!
- Oh, that's brilliant.
515
00:23:20,949 --> 00:23:23,749
- CATHY:
- Oh, do it again, do it again! - ERIC:
516
00:23:27,789 --> 00:23:29,909
Fantastic!
517
00:23:29,909 --> 00:23:31,349
No' bad, eh?
518
00:23:31,349 --> 00:23:33,149
Here, Eric, gies my tenner.
519
00:23:33,149 --> 00:23:35,029
That's why it's called The Vanishing Tenner.
520
00:23:35,029 --> 00:23:37,109
- IAN LAUGHS
- That's amazing!
521
00:23:37,109 --> 00:23:39,229
- CHRISTINE:
- Actually, I do have one.
522
00:23:39,229 --> 00:23:41,589
- What is it?
- It's a tongue twister.
523
00:23:41,589 --> 00:23:43,909
Oooh. Tongues, Gordon.
524
00:23:43,909 --> 00:23:44,949
Right.
525
00:23:46,269 --> 00:23:50,549
Round the ragged rock the ragged rascal ran.
526
00:23:50,549 --> 00:23:52,709
Aye, but faster than that.
527
00:23:52,709 --> 00:23:55,669
Ah. Round the ragged rock the ragged rascal ran.
528
00:23:55,669 --> 00:23:58,349
- Faster.
- Round the ragged rock the ragged rascal ran.
529
00:23:58,349 --> 00:24:00,749
- Round the ragged rock the ragged rascal ran.
- ERIC: Faster!
530
00:24:00,749 --> 00:24:03,309
Round the ragged rock the ragged rascal ran. Round the ragged...
531
00:24:03,309 --> 00:24:05,629
- Faster!
- ..ragged rascal ran. Round the ragged rock... - Christine.
532
00:24:05,629 --> 00:24:07,949
..ragged rascal ran. Round the ragged rock the ragged rascal ran.
533
00:24:07,949 --> 00:24:10,589
- Round the ragged rock...
- Christine, stop! - ..the ragged rascal ran.
534
00:24:10,589 --> 00:24:13,509
Aye, right, you ragged bastard, you better fucking run!
535
00:24:13,509 --> 00:24:15,229
CHRISTINE LAUGHS
536
00:24:22,469 --> 00:24:24,189
Colin, you do yours.
537
00:24:24,189 --> 00:24:25,789
I love this.
538
00:24:25,789 --> 00:24:27,909
Gordon, wait till you see this, it's unbelievable!
539
00:24:27,909 --> 00:24:30,229
- Right, let me get set.
- Shhh!
540
00:24:33,389 --> 00:24:35,189
Yes, Miss Moneypenny.
541
00:24:35,189 --> 00:24:36,629
CATHY LAUGHS
542
00:24:36,629 --> 00:24:39,069
Sean Connery, Beth, Sean Connery.
543
00:24:39,069 --> 00:24:40,909
Yes, Miss Moneypenny.
544
00:24:40,909 --> 00:24:45,109
Gordon, isn't that unbelievable? It's Sean Connery.
545
00:24:45,109 --> 00:24:46,709
Say something else.
546
00:24:48,469 --> 00:24:50,629
Hello, Miss Moneypenny.
547
00:24:51,629 --> 00:24:52,989
That's shite.
548
00:24:56,029 --> 00:24:58,909
- Beth, have you got one?
- No. - ERIC:
549
00:24:58,909 --> 00:25:01,029
- No, I don't.
- Does she, Eric? - No!
550
00:25:01,029 --> 00:25:03,669
Oh, yes, she does! What is it?
551
00:25:03,669 --> 00:25:05,909
- Go on, Beth, do the thing.
- What thing?
552
00:25:05,909 --> 00:25:08,069
You know the thing, the noise.
553
00:25:08,069 --> 00:25:10,669
- IAN: Aw, Mum, do that, it's so funny. GORDON:
- What is it?
554
00:25:10,669 --> 00:25:13,189
I'm not doing it. It's ridiculous.
555
00:25:13,189 --> 00:25:16,189
- What noise, Eric?
- Oh, come on Beth, just do it. It's great.
556
00:25:16,189 --> 00:25:19,469
- It's stupid.
- COLIN: Come on, Beth! IAN: Go on, Mum!
557
00:25:19,469 --> 00:25:22,669
Go on. Make the noise! Make the noise!
558
00:25:27,029 --> 00:25:28,189
Meow.
559
00:25:34,669 --> 00:25:39,429
Meowwwwwww.
560
00:25:44,669 --> 00:25:52,469
Meowwwwwwww.
561
00:25:52,469 --> 00:25:55,749
THEY LAUGH
562
00:26:01,509 --> 00:26:06,069
- Sorry, Beth, it was just...
- All right, all right!
563
00:26:06,069 --> 00:26:07,909
Ian, what about you?
564
00:26:07,909 --> 00:26:10,309
He's already done his turn in Amsterdam!
565
00:26:10,309 --> 00:26:12,189
- Aye!
- Oh!
566
00:26:12,189 --> 00:26:14,869
- What about you, Flash Gordon?
- Aw, no, I don't really have one.
567
00:26:14,869 --> 00:26:17,469
Oh, come, on Gordon, you must be able to do something.
568
00:26:17,469 --> 00:26:18,749
I swear, honestly!
569
00:26:18,749 --> 00:26:20,869
Would you like me to teach you to do the crab?
570
00:26:20,869 --> 00:26:23,429
- No.
- CHRISTINE: - I'd have a go, Cathy,
571
00:26:23,429 --> 00:26:27,029
but I think my chips would just come straight back up.
572
00:26:27,029 --> 00:26:28,869
Are you no' very bendy, Gordy?
573
00:26:28,869 --> 00:26:32,309
What about school? What were you good at at school?
574
00:26:32,309 --> 00:26:35,709
- Running.
- Oh, my God, do some running!
575
00:26:35,709 --> 00:26:38,229
Run around the room. In fact, run up the stairs.
576
00:26:38,229 --> 00:26:40,589
- BETH:
- He's not running up the stairs, Cathy.
577
00:26:40,589 --> 00:26:43,149
I actually got a bronze medal once for the hurdles.
578
00:26:43,149 --> 00:26:44,949
- Did you?
- That is amazing!
579
00:26:44,949 --> 00:26:48,629
- Well, just jump over something, jump over the couch!
- Cathy!
580
00:26:49,789 --> 00:26:52,349
IAN: Could go outside and do it. Mm?
581
00:26:52,349 --> 00:26:53,989
Yes!
582
00:26:53,989 --> 00:26:56,469
- ERIC:
- Oh, now you're talking! - Come on, let's go.
583
00:27:00,149 --> 00:27:02,509
I don't, I don't, even know what it is I'm meant to be doing.
584
00:27:02,509 --> 00:27:04,709
COLIN: Just, just hurdle something.
585
00:27:04,709 --> 00:27:06,389
Jump over a car!
586
00:27:06,389 --> 00:27:07,989
A bloody car?!
587
00:27:07,989 --> 00:27:10,189
I know, the hedge!
588
00:27:10,189 --> 00:27:12,709
- Can you jump over the hedge?
- Aye!
589
00:27:12,709 --> 00:27:14,549
Erm...
590
00:27:14,549 --> 00:27:16,069
Should be able to.
591
00:27:18,389 --> 00:27:21,349
- Here we go!
- Go on, Gordy! Hedge, hedge, hedge, hedge!
592
00:27:21,349 --> 00:27:23,669
IAN: Gordon, just be careful, will you?
593
00:27:23,669 --> 00:27:26,149
- ALL:
- Oh...
594
00:27:26,149 --> 00:27:27,629
Aww!
595
00:27:27,629 --> 00:27:29,829
- Come on, son!
- We could've jumped that!
596
00:27:29,829 --> 00:27:32,269
- CHRISTINE:
- Come on, Gordon. Go on yourself, son, come on!
597
00:27:32,269 --> 00:27:33,429
That's it, that's it.
598
00:27:33,429 --> 00:27:34,949
- ALL:
- Oh...
599
00:27:34,949 --> 00:27:36,269
Oh, my God, there's a fox! Beth!
600
00:27:36,269 --> 00:27:37,629
- ALL:
- Aww!
601
00:27:37,629 --> 00:27:38,909
- GORDON:
- Ah!
602
00:27:38,909 --> 00:27:41,269
Beth, Beth, grab it, let's bring it in.
603
00:27:41,269 --> 00:27:45,029
- Are you all right?
- Oh, my goodness, Gordon! What have you done?
604
00:27:45,029 --> 00:27:47,509
Ah, it's my wrist. I've done something to my wrist.
605
00:27:47,509 --> 00:27:50,189
- Ian, is he all right?
- He's done something to his wrist.
606
00:27:50,189 --> 00:27:51,749
I can't move my fingers.
607
00:27:51,749 --> 00:27:53,749
Ach, you'll be fine, he'll be fine!
608
00:27:53,749 --> 00:27:57,029
- I think he'll need to go up to A&E.
- Well, none of us can take him.
609
00:27:57,029 --> 00:27:58,869
- ERIC:
- We've had a drink, we cannae drive.
610
00:27:58,869 --> 00:28:01,189
We'll need to phone an ambulance then.
611
00:28:01,189 --> 00:28:02,829
- CHRISTINE:
- Ya beauty!
612
00:28:02,829 --> 00:28:04,269
What?
613
00:28:04,269 --> 00:28:07,109
Well, he can take up Pat's pyjamas for her.
614
00:28:07,109 --> 00:28:10,189
I'll get another shot at Beth's chips.
615
00:28:10,189 --> 00:28:12,949
- GORDON:
- Ah, it's really sore. Ah!
616
00:28:12,949 --> 00:28:14,069
Aw...
617
00:28:14,069 --> 00:28:15,589
- FOX GROWLS
- Ow, you sh...!
618
00:28:15,589 --> 00:28:17,029
Ow! Hey-hey, pretty baby
619
00:28:17,029 --> 00:28:19,949
With your fine old foxy self
620
00:28:19,949 --> 00:28:24,149
Hey-hey, pretty baby, with your fine old foxy self
621
00:28:25,189 --> 00:28:27,029
I wanna love you, baby
622
00:28:27,029 --> 00:28:29,749
Baby, all by myself
623
00:28:29,749 --> 00:28:30,789
Ow!
624
00:28:30,789 --> 00:28:35,349
Come on, come on, come on and follow me
625
00:28:35,349 --> 00:28:39,789
Come on, come on, come on and follow me
626
00:28:39,789 --> 00:28:42,189
? I wanna love you, baby... ?
627
00:28:42,239 --> 00:28:46,789
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