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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:05,040 This programme contains strong language 2 00:00:05,040 --> 00:00:08,920 - DOORBELL RINGS - Beth, that's Ian and Gordon! 3 00:00:12,120 --> 00:00:13,800 - Hello, Eric. - Christine. 4 00:00:15,440 --> 00:00:17,000 Ooh, hi, Christine. 5 00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:19,480 Beth, this came to me by mistake. 6 00:00:19,480 --> 00:00:22,120 - Private and confidential. - Ooh. 7 00:00:22,120 --> 00:00:25,160 Terrible rate you're getting in these ISAs nowadays, isn't it? 8 00:00:26,800 --> 00:00:29,200 Well, that's very kind of you, Christine, but we're... 9 00:00:29,200 --> 00:00:31,760 - Off out, are we? - Just for a bite to eat. 10 00:00:31,760 --> 00:00:35,640 Aw, that's nice. What's the occasion? 11 00:00:35,640 --> 00:00:38,040 - Nothing. - Beth's birthday. 12 00:00:38,040 --> 00:00:40,160 Well, it was her birthday during the week, 13 00:00:40,160 --> 00:00:43,040 so Ian and Gordon offered to take us to dinner. 14 00:00:43,040 --> 00:00:48,520 Oh, that's lovely. That is nice, eh? 15 00:00:48,520 --> 00:00:51,120 Oh, happy birthday, Beth. 16 00:00:51,120 --> 00:00:54,000 Sorry I missed it. What day was it? 17 00:00:54,000 --> 00:00:56,320 - It was Tuesday. - Oh, Tuesday. 18 00:00:56,320 --> 00:01:00,680 No, I was away in town handing in my sample that day. 19 00:01:00,680 --> 00:01:03,760 - CAR HORN HONKS - Well, that's them now, so... 20 00:01:03,760 --> 00:01:06,160 - Where is it you're going? - Oh, it's nothing fancy. 21 00:01:06,160 --> 00:01:11,040 - It's just like a pub that does food. - Oh, I like a pub that does food. 22 00:01:11,040 --> 00:01:14,560 - Yeah, very informal. - That's the best way, Beth. 23 00:01:14,560 --> 00:01:16,520 Very flexible, too. 24 00:01:16,520 --> 00:01:19,960 - Sorry? - Well, not like a restaurant where, say, 25 00:01:19,960 --> 00:01:22,720 you booked for four and then five of you turn up. 26 00:01:22,720 --> 00:01:24,480 Then there's a problem! 27 00:01:24,480 --> 00:01:28,960 No, these places are much more accommodating, aren't they? 28 00:01:28,960 --> 00:01:31,280 CAR HORN HONKS 29 00:01:31,280 --> 00:01:32,800 Would you like to...? 30 00:01:32,800 --> 00:01:35,880 I'll just get my coat. Thanks, Eric. 31 00:01:40,145 --> 00:01:43,145 SYNC by DakinPEx SUBSCENE 32 00:01:53,520 --> 00:01:55,880 - ON RADIO: - Lead me 33 00:01:55,880 --> 00:01:58,440 ? Out on the moonlit floor... ? 34 00:01:58,440 --> 00:02:02,560 Ah, this is a real treat for me, Gordon, 35 00:02:02,560 --> 00:02:05,000 being driven in for my dinner. 36 00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:07,120 I must thank you for organising it. 37 00:02:07,120 --> 00:02:09,840 Well, it's for Mrs Baird, really, isn't it? 38 00:02:11,320 --> 00:02:14,240 This a regular haunt of yours, then, is it? 39 00:02:14,240 --> 00:02:17,400 Erm, we've been twice. No, er, three times. 40 00:02:17,400 --> 00:02:18,680 No, no... 41 00:02:20,040 --> 00:02:23,800 ..twice. Last time, it were two courses for �7.95! 42 00:02:23,800 --> 00:02:28,560 - Oh, that's good, isn't it, Beth? - Ooh, yeah. - Mm. 43 00:02:28,560 --> 00:02:31,080 A lot cheaper than buying a present. 44 00:02:31,080 --> 00:02:33,240 You didn't really need to bother, though, Gordon. 45 00:02:33,240 --> 00:02:35,720 I could have just as easily cooked us something at home. 46 00:02:35,720 --> 00:02:37,800 No, not on your birthday! 47 00:02:37,800 --> 00:02:41,520 Well, her birthday was Tuesday, Gordon, 48 00:02:41,520 --> 00:02:44,320 so she's right - she could have cooked. 49 00:02:44,320 --> 00:02:46,920 And she'd have done us three courses 50 00:02:46,920 --> 00:02:49,240 and it wouldnae have cost you a fucking penny. 51 00:02:52,160 --> 00:02:53,720 - HE WHISPERS: - Dad? - Mm-hm. 52 00:02:53,720 --> 00:02:55,560 You haven't got Mum a cake, have you? 53 00:02:55,560 --> 00:02:59,120 - Cake? No. - Right. 54 00:03:01,000 --> 00:03:03,280 We could stop at the garage and get a swiss roll. 55 00:03:03,280 --> 00:03:06,000 - No, no, I was just checking. - Or there's Costa's. 56 00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:08,720 We can go in there and get her one of those big Jaffa Cakes. 57 00:03:08,720 --> 00:03:11,320 No, no, it's fine, it's fine. Forget it. 58 00:03:18,400 --> 00:03:21,320 - Have you booked a table? - No, you just sit where you like. 59 00:03:21,320 --> 00:03:23,840 - You order at the bar, don't you? - What's he saying? 60 00:03:23,840 --> 00:03:25,080 It's not waitress service. 61 00:03:25,080 --> 00:03:27,440 What do you mean it's not waitress service? 62 00:03:27,440 --> 00:03:29,400 Well, you sit down, the tables have got a number, 63 00:03:29,400 --> 00:03:31,680 you take that number up to the bar and order your food. 64 00:03:31,680 --> 00:03:34,600 Christ, have I to put my hair in a net and go into the kitchen 65 00:03:34,600 --> 00:03:37,600 - and cook it for them, as well? - Where do yous want to sit? 66 00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:40,680 It's your birthday, Mrs Baird. You decide. 67 00:03:40,680 --> 00:03:42,120 What about there? 68 00:03:42,120 --> 00:03:44,880 - No. - Eh? - I'm not sitting at the back. 69 00:03:44,880 --> 00:03:48,000 - Why? - I want to see what folk have got on their plates. 70 00:03:48,000 --> 00:03:49,680 Oh, for God's sake! 71 00:03:49,680 --> 00:03:53,720 - Well, what about that one there? - Ah, that's fine. - No. 72 00:03:53,720 --> 00:03:56,160 Next to the fruit machine, Beth? 73 00:03:56,160 --> 00:03:59,200 - So...? - You're no' wanting that, Beth. 74 00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:03,560 Men standing next to you rummaging aboot in their pockets for change. 75 00:04:03,560 --> 00:04:08,680 - Mum, you decide. It's your birthday. - Well, not today itself, it's not. 76 00:04:08,680 --> 00:04:11,560 Well, we're out for your birthday. Where do you want to sit? 77 00:04:11,560 --> 00:04:13,200 Look, I really don't mind. 78 00:04:13,200 --> 00:04:15,560 Right, that's good. Come on, we'll sit over here. 79 00:04:15,560 --> 00:04:16,880 This'll do us fine. 80 00:04:20,040 --> 00:04:21,640 Oh, thank you. 81 00:04:23,680 --> 00:04:26,000 Oh-ho! Big menu, eh? 82 00:04:26,000 --> 00:04:28,920 It's absolutely terrific, Mr Baird. I don't know where to start. 83 00:04:28,920 --> 00:04:33,560 - Erm, which ones are on the deal? - Oh, just them three there. - Ah. 84 00:04:34,680 --> 00:04:37,960 - Would you like me to hang that up for you, Mrs Baird? - Oh, thank you. 85 00:04:37,960 --> 00:04:41,560 - Pleasure. - Empty the pockets, Beth. There might be junkies in. 86 00:04:44,320 --> 00:04:48,080 Do you know, I think this is the place that Pat came to. 87 00:04:48,080 --> 00:04:50,440 - Right. - She had the gammon steak. 88 00:04:50,440 --> 00:04:53,480 - Oh, did she? - Great big slab of a thing. 89 00:04:53,480 --> 00:04:56,240 - Lovely. - Two fried eggs on the top, 90 00:04:56,240 --> 00:04:59,360 but still you had the fat peeking out the side. 91 00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:03,360 - What are you fancying? - I might just get the nachos or something. 92 00:05:03,360 --> 00:05:05,560 Oh, what are you having, Gordon? What's he having? 93 00:05:05,560 --> 00:05:07,200 He's thinking about nachos. 94 00:05:07,200 --> 00:05:10,440 - Oh, lovely, Gordon. - Oh, I've seen them. 95 00:05:10,440 --> 00:05:13,680 It's like somebody's ripped up a cardboard box 96 00:05:13,680 --> 00:05:15,680 and grated some cheese on it. 97 00:05:15,680 --> 00:05:18,120 - I quite fancy a burger. - Are you having a starter? 98 00:05:18,120 --> 00:05:19,880 Nah, I might have a pudding instead. 99 00:05:19,880 --> 00:05:24,960 - Can you do that? - Well, I presume so. It just says, "Two courses - �7.95." 100 00:05:24,960 --> 00:05:28,080 Some of the starters are practically the same size as main courses! 101 00:05:28,080 --> 00:05:31,280 Can you do that, Beth? Any two courses? 102 00:05:31,280 --> 00:05:33,360 I don't know. It'll say somewhere on the menu. 103 00:05:33,360 --> 00:05:36,160 - Whereabouts on the menu? - I don't know! 104 00:05:36,160 --> 00:05:39,120 Oh, wait till I get my specs on. 105 00:05:39,120 --> 00:05:41,040 Aw, isn't this lovely? 106 00:05:42,240 --> 00:05:43,880 Are you going to have a starter? 107 00:05:43,880 --> 00:05:46,480 Well, I quite fancy the breaded mushrooms. 108 00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:49,600 - Instead of a pudding? - Well, maybe as well as. 109 00:05:49,600 --> 00:05:52,600 - So, you're having three courses? - Oh, can you do that? 110 00:05:52,600 --> 00:05:55,880 Give me a fucking chance, will you? 111 00:05:55,880 --> 00:05:57,640 Oh, here it is here. 112 00:05:57,640 --> 00:05:59,080 There it is. See? 113 00:05:59,080 --> 00:06:04,560 "Any two courses on the meal deal menu - �7.95." 114 00:06:04,560 --> 00:06:06,240 Where's the meal deal section? 115 00:06:06,240 --> 00:06:08,400 What does it say about three courses, though? 116 00:06:08,400 --> 00:06:11,800 - Oh, don't confuse me. - I think, if you're looking for three courses, 117 00:06:11,800 --> 00:06:14,200 - you're on to the main menu. - Ah. 118 00:06:14,200 --> 00:06:16,640 Do you really think you need three courses, Eric? 119 00:06:16,640 --> 00:06:19,440 Oh, here it is. Here it is. There we are. 120 00:06:19,440 --> 00:06:24,000 "Any three courses, �9.50." 121 00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:27,240 Oh, I apologise, Mr Baird. There you go. 122 00:06:27,240 --> 00:06:29,840 Well, I'm just going to have a main and a pudding. 123 00:06:29,840 --> 00:06:32,240 Well, if nobody else is having a starter, I won't either. 124 00:06:32,240 --> 00:06:36,560 - Oh-ho-ho, Beth - they've got sticky toffee! - Mm. 125 00:06:36,560 --> 00:06:39,560 Do you want me to phone Pat and see what size it is? 126 00:06:39,560 --> 00:06:42,360 - OK, are we ready to order, then? - I think so, yeah. 127 00:06:42,360 --> 00:06:44,160 - I am. - Oh, yes, indeedy. 128 00:06:44,160 --> 00:06:47,520 - Right, tell me what you want and I'll go up to the bar and get it. - I'll have the nachos. 129 00:06:47,520 --> 00:06:49,280 No, the veggie burger. 130 00:06:49,280 --> 00:06:51,040 No, the nachos. No, wait... 131 00:06:51,040 --> 00:06:53,840 - Mum, what do you want? - I'll just have the fish, son. 132 00:06:53,840 --> 00:06:55,880 Battered haddock for me, Ian. 133 00:06:55,880 --> 00:06:59,600 - Me, too. I'll have the fish, please. - Aw, look. Two twins, eh? 134 00:06:59,600 --> 00:07:03,680 Me and you - both haddocks. The haddock girls. 135 00:07:03,680 --> 00:07:06,200 - I'll go for that, as well. - Trust you. 136 00:07:06,200 --> 00:07:08,600 OK, OK, OK, I'm going to have 137 00:07:08,600 --> 00:07:11,040 the sweetcorn fritters with mango salsa. 138 00:07:11,040 --> 00:07:15,080 - Where's that?! - Down there. - Ah. 139 00:07:15,080 --> 00:07:18,000 Oh, that sounds fucking horrible, son. 140 00:07:18,000 --> 00:07:20,040 Eh, you stay where you are. I'll get this. 141 00:07:20,040 --> 00:07:22,240 - No, no, this is our treat. - Don't be daft. 142 00:07:22,240 --> 00:07:24,520 No, we wanted to get it. It was supposed to be our treat. 143 00:07:24,520 --> 00:07:26,120 Away. 144 00:07:26,120 --> 00:07:29,200 Right, well, that's that sorted, thank goodness. 145 00:07:29,200 --> 00:07:33,120 Oh, er, sorry, just one last thing - what does everybody want to drink? 146 00:07:33,120 --> 00:07:34,880 - Oh. - SHE SIGHS 147 00:07:37,560 --> 00:07:39,560 - Two seconds, honey. - Ah, right. 148 00:07:42,200 --> 00:07:43,560 Colin! 149 00:07:43,560 --> 00:07:47,080 Oh, look who it is, eh? 150 00:07:47,080 --> 00:07:50,080 - How are you doing? - Hey! - Oh, bring it in. 151 00:07:50,080 --> 00:07:52,480 - Bring it on in, Eric. - Oh! 152 00:07:52,480 --> 00:07:55,320 HE CHUCKLES This is my neighbour. 153 00:07:55,320 --> 00:07:57,800 - This is my neighbour. - What you up to? 154 00:07:57,800 --> 00:08:01,160 - I'm just having a drink. - Ah, right. Where's Cathy? 155 00:08:01,160 --> 00:08:03,640 Cathy's no' here. She's away. 156 00:08:03,640 --> 00:08:07,920 - Where to? - A spa. - Oh, right. 157 00:08:07,920 --> 00:08:10,400 in one of they health farm places in Perthshire. 158 00:08:10,400 --> 00:08:12,480 Oh, that sounds lovely. Aye, she'll enjoy that. 159 00:08:12,480 --> 00:08:15,640 Aye, she will. She got a room on the ground floor 160 00:08:15,640 --> 00:08:18,520 so she can climb out the window for a smoke. 161 00:08:18,520 --> 00:08:22,520 This is my neighbour. What you doing here, anyway? 162 00:08:22,520 --> 00:08:25,160 Oh, it's Beth's birthday. We're in having a meal. 163 00:08:25,160 --> 00:08:27,880 - Away! - Aye. Well, it was during the week, actually. 164 00:08:27,880 --> 00:08:30,440 What, you were in during the week, as well? 165 00:08:30,440 --> 00:08:32,960 No, no, no, it was her birthday during the week. 166 00:08:32,960 --> 00:08:36,800 Ah. So, how come you're in today? 167 00:08:36,800 --> 00:08:39,400 - Right, what are we having? - Can I order some food? 168 00:08:39,400 --> 00:08:42,040 - Course you can. - Colin, do you want...? 169 00:08:43,200 --> 00:08:45,400 Hello there! 170 00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:48,280 - Oh, hi, Colin. - Oh, Christine! 171 00:08:48,280 --> 00:08:49,680 Didnae recognise you there 172 00:08:49,680 --> 00:08:52,640 without your broomstick and the flying monkeys. 173 00:08:53,880 --> 00:08:56,800 And there's Ian with his...with his pal there. 174 00:08:56,800 --> 00:08:58,400 Hello there. 175 00:08:58,400 --> 00:09:02,400 It's good to see you in a mainstream venue. 176 00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:05,000 So, what's the special occasion? 177 00:09:05,000 --> 00:09:06,760 Mrs Baird's birthday. 178 00:09:06,760 --> 00:09:09,560 Was. It was her birthday on Tuesday. 179 00:09:09,560 --> 00:09:11,320 Oh, it's your birthday, Beth? 180 00:09:11,320 --> 00:09:13,880 - I'm sorry. I didnae know. - That's fine. 181 00:09:13,880 --> 00:09:15,920 Oh, here, I'll give you a wee squeeze, eh? 182 00:09:15,920 --> 00:09:18,880 - No, no, honestly. - Aw, come on. Up you get. 183 00:09:18,880 --> 00:09:21,160 Let's get you hugged, eh? 184 00:09:21,160 --> 00:09:22,560 Oops! 185 00:09:22,560 --> 00:09:25,560 Sorry, no offence. It's no' what it seems. 186 00:09:25,560 --> 00:09:27,000 You're all right. 187 00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:31,240 Just because Cathy's away doesn't mean I'm firing into Beth. 188 00:09:31,240 --> 00:09:34,640 Couldnae anyway, no' unless I was really pished. 189 00:09:36,600 --> 00:09:41,080 - Where is Cathy? - She's away at the spa. 190 00:09:41,080 --> 00:09:45,240 - Oh. - Ah, lovely. - Aye, I was just telling Eric, 191 00:09:45,240 --> 00:09:50,160 she got one of they vouchers for this big, fancy place up in Perth. 192 00:09:50,160 --> 00:09:55,520 You want to see it. I mean, it's got steam rooms, Jacuzzis. 193 00:09:55,520 --> 00:10:00,040 You know, and a big room filled with oxygen, 194 00:10:00,040 --> 00:10:02,160 so it can clean out your blood. 195 00:10:02,160 --> 00:10:04,280 Oh, that sounds amazing. So a proper detox. 196 00:10:04,280 --> 00:10:06,720 Aye, well, you know, she's been drinking every night, 197 00:10:06,720 --> 00:10:10,440 so, you know, she gets the benefit of it, you know. 198 00:10:11,440 --> 00:10:13,280 So, you're left on your own, then, are you? 199 00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:16,480 Aye, but, you know, I don't mind it, though, Ian. 200 00:10:16,480 --> 00:10:18,840 You know, give me a bit of time to myself. 201 00:10:18,840 --> 00:10:23,240 You know, do a few bits and bobs, catch up with a few of my pals. 202 00:10:23,240 --> 00:10:27,000 - So, what you been up to, then? - Just been sitting in here. 203 00:10:27,000 --> 00:10:29,760 - Sorry to interrupt yous. - Whoa! 204 00:10:30,760 --> 00:10:33,480 - Did yous order three fish? - Yes, we did, 205 00:10:33,480 --> 00:10:36,760 and I hope your chef has got his oil up to temperature 206 00:10:36,760 --> 00:10:39,800 because I am not in the mood for soggy batter, hen. 207 00:10:39,800 --> 00:10:42,840 Nah, nah, what it is is we've only got two left. 208 00:10:42,840 --> 00:10:45,000 - You what?! - We've only got two fish left. 209 00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:46,920 Have you still got the corn fritters, though? 210 00:10:46,920 --> 00:10:50,200 - Oh, aye, plenty of them. - Well, it is your birthday, Beth, 211 00:10:50,200 --> 00:10:53,480 - so you've got to have one. - Hear, hear! 212 00:10:53,480 --> 00:10:55,440 And I'm fucking sure I'm having the other one. 213 00:10:55,440 --> 00:10:57,360 Right. Well, let's see the menu over again? 214 00:10:57,360 --> 00:11:00,080 Hang on, hang on. How big are they, the fish? 215 00:11:00,080 --> 00:11:02,560 They're quite big, aye. A lot of folk don't finish them. 216 00:11:02,560 --> 00:11:05,800 My friend struggled with one of your gammon steaks. 217 00:11:05,800 --> 00:11:09,800 - Right. - She eventually took it home in her handbag. 218 00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:12,600 Why don't we take the two and I'll just split them up 219 00:11:12,600 --> 00:11:15,400 - and share them about? - What? - Oh, that's a brilliant idea. 220 00:11:15,400 --> 00:11:18,360 Let's just do that. Bring us an extra plate and I'll sort it out. 221 00:11:18,360 --> 00:11:21,920 - What, you just want a plate on its own? - Yes. Is that all right? 222 00:11:21,920 --> 00:11:23,440 Well, aye, I suppose. 223 00:11:23,440 --> 00:11:27,440 Wait a minute. If he's having some of ours and a pudding, 224 00:11:27,440 --> 00:11:30,640 - what does he get charged for that? - What pudding are you having? 225 00:11:30,640 --> 00:11:33,520 - I'm not sure yet. - Oh, they've got sticky toffee, Eric. 226 00:11:33,520 --> 00:11:36,240 - What size is your sticky toffee? - Christine! 227 00:11:36,240 --> 00:11:38,240 He's already paid for a fish and a pudding. 228 00:11:38,240 --> 00:11:41,040 - So...? - So, he's not getting what he paid for. 229 00:11:41,040 --> 00:11:42,520 Aye, but he's getting a plate. 230 00:11:42,520 --> 00:11:44,360 She'll get a fucking punch in the jaw. 231 00:11:44,360 --> 00:11:47,320 Let's do that, then. Just get us an extra plate, thanks. 232 00:11:48,920 --> 00:11:53,160 - Anyway, happy birthday! - Exactly. Happy birthday! 233 00:11:53,160 --> 00:11:56,880 She better no' be away in there spitting in our meals, Beth. 234 00:11:56,880 --> 00:12:00,880 - Let's do a toast. - No, no! - Ah, come on, come on. 235 00:12:00,880 --> 00:12:03,600 Oh, wait, I've no' got a drink. 236 00:12:04,720 --> 00:12:06,280 Where's my drink? 237 00:12:08,480 --> 00:12:10,320 He is absolutely hammered. 238 00:12:10,320 --> 00:12:13,120 They shouldnae still be serving him. 239 00:12:13,120 --> 00:12:15,320 See, that's what happens, though. 240 00:12:15,320 --> 00:12:19,640 Folk just make a pig of themselves as soon as there's cheap drink. 241 00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:21,600 Oh, you're quite right, Christine. 242 00:12:25,440 --> 00:12:28,440 That's a good, big glass for �1.50, isn't it? 243 00:12:28,440 --> 00:12:31,560 Listen, he's all right. He's no' doing any harm. 244 00:12:31,560 --> 00:12:35,440 ? Happy birthday to you... ? 245 00:12:35,440 --> 00:12:37,360 Shh! Shh! 246 00:12:37,360 --> 00:12:38,960 ? Happy birthday... ? 247 00:12:38,960 --> 00:12:42,160 - Colin! - All right, all right. 248 00:12:42,160 --> 00:12:47,840 - We'll sing Happy Birthday later, OK? - OK, OK, fair enough. I'll just... 249 00:12:47,840 --> 00:12:52,640 I'll just maybe have a wee trip to the wee boys' room, eh? 250 00:12:52,640 --> 00:12:54,440 Here, Christine, 251 00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:59,840 you're not going to be the only one about to enjoy a single fish. 252 00:12:59,840 --> 00:13:02,680 HE LAUGHS 253 00:13:04,120 --> 00:13:08,840 That is a disgraceful state to get yourself into. 254 00:13:08,840 --> 00:13:12,560 Well, no wonder, if he's been sitting in here since lunchtime. 255 00:13:12,560 --> 00:13:15,280 Bad things can happen when you get into that sort of state. 256 00:13:15,280 --> 00:13:16,880 Last time I drank during the day, 257 00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:19,480 I ended up ordering garden furniture online. 258 00:13:21,880 --> 00:13:24,160 Eric, erm, do you not think you should go in there 259 00:13:24,160 --> 00:13:26,280 and see if he wants you to put him into a taxi? 260 00:13:26,280 --> 00:13:29,160 - Och, away! - Go on, Eric. - He's not THAT bad. 261 00:13:29,160 --> 00:13:33,840 - He's fucking blootered, Eric. - Go on. - Och! 262 00:13:36,840 --> 00:13:39,280 You know the worst thing, Beth? 263 00:13:39,280 --> 00:13:42,960 He has invited himself into your company 264 00:13:42,960 --> 00:13:46,080 without an ounce of shame. 265 00:13:47,080 --> 00:13:48,640 Unbelievable. 266 00:13:51,240 --> 00:13:54,240 DOOR OPENS 267 00:13:54,240 --> 00:13:56,040 Hey! 268 00:13:56,040 --> 00:14:00,720 - You all right, Colin? - Aye, there's just a lot to come out. 269 00:14:00,720 --> 00:14:04,280 Aye. Are you no' thinking about maybe getting up the road, eh? 270 00:14:04,280 --> 00:14:07,720 Oh, Eric, Eric. 271 00:14:07,720 --> 00:14:09,960 Eric, Eric. 272 00:14:09,960 --> 00:14:14,080 How often do we get the chance to get a drink, just the two of us? 273 00:14:14,080 --> 00:14:16,120 Aye, but it's Beth's birthday, so... 274 00:14:16,120 --> 00:14:18,240 Aye, all right. Get her a pint, as well. 275 00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:23,240 Eric, Eric... 276 00:14:23,240 --> 00:14:26,160 - You're a real pal, Eric. - Right. 277 00:14:28,360 --> 00:14:31,080 - I'm going to text Cath. - Now, Colin? 278 00:14:31,080 --> 00:14:35,520 I'm going to text Cath and tell her that I'm in the loo 279 00:14:35,520 --> 00:14:38,200 having a pish with my old pal Eric! 280 00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:40,720 No, no, no. Just let her enjoy her time at the spa, eh? 281 00:14:40,720 --> 00:14:43,720 Look, come on. We'll go downstairs and I'll get you a taxi, eh? 282 00:14:43,720 --> 00:14:45,040 All right, all right. 283 00:14:46,400 --> 00:14:47,520 Here... 284 00:14:48,760 --> 00:14:52,560 ..am I being a wee bit too much, am I? 285 00:14:52,560 --> 00:14:55,000 - No, no. - Cos you can tell me if I am. 286 00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:58,720 Am I, Eric? Am I being a bit OTT? 287 00:14:58,720 --> 00:14:59,800 A wee bit. 288 00:15:01,160 --> 00:15:05,040 Right, OK. That's fine. Fair enough. 289 00:15:05,040 --> 00:15:07,960 Let's go. Let's go right now. 290 00:15:09,000 --> 00:15:11,600 Hey! This is my neighbour! 291 00:15:11,600 --> 00:15:13,200 ? Neighbour... ? 292 00:15:14,480 --> 00:15:18,920 There we go. Oh, and, Mum, we've also got you a wee something. 293 00:15:18,920 --> 00:15:23,040 - Ooh, what is it? - Aw, that's nice. A wee surprise for you, Beth. 294 00:15:23,040 --> 00:15:27,360 - Saved yourself the price of a stamp there, boys, eh? - Aw. 295 00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:30,440 - What does it say? - "To the best mum in the world." 296 00:15:30,440 --> 00:15:33,680 - It was the only one they had left, so... - Cheeky wee shite. 297 00:15:33,680 --> 00:15:35,240 Oh, what's this? 298 00:15:35,240 --> 00:15:38,440 Oh, that's a wee voucher for you for that place you get your hair done. 299 00:15:38,440 --> 00:15:40,600 They've got a wee beauty therapy bit now. 300 00:15:40,600 --> 00:15:42,520 - Oh, thank you. - It looks lovely. 301 00:15:42,520 --> 00:15:44,760 Our friend Morven had reflexology there. 302 00:15:44,760 --> 00:15:47,560 - She had what? - Reflexology. You get it on your feet. 303 00:15:47,560 --> 00:15:49,200 Oh, is that with the wee fishes? 304 00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:52,240 - What? - Aye, you know - the wee fishes in the tank 305 00:15:52,240 --> 00:15:53,760 that you put your feet into 306 00:15:53,760 --> 00:15:56,480 and they nibble all the dead skin off your toes. 307 00:15:56,480 --> 00:15:59,320 - Oh, I don't know. - Oh, I had that. 308 00:15:59,320 --> 00:16:03,640 Aye. The guy said that they were full up for a fortnight after it. 309 00:16:05,000 --> 00:16:07,640 Hey! 310 00:16:07,640 --> 00:16:10,120 - Ah. - Christ, here's wee Tufty back. 311 00:16:10,120 --> 00:16:15,240 - Colin. - Beth, Beth, a little birdie told me it was your birthday. 312 00:16:15,240 --> 00:16:17,960 - Colin! - Happy birthday, missus. 313 00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:20,720 Come here till I wish you a happy birthday. 314 00:16:20,720 --> 00:16:22,520 You've already given her a kiss. 315 00:16:22,520 --> 00:16:24,640 He's already given her a kiss, Gordon. 316 00:16:24,640 --> 00:16:26,800 Come on, Beth. I washed my hands. 317 00:16:26,800 --> 00:16:29,960 - Colin, I'll ask Ian to phone you a taxi, OK? - Eh? 318 00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:32,760 I think Cathy would prefer it if you went up the road. 319 00:16:32,760 --> 00:16:36,280 - Aye. - No, she's at a spa. 320 00:16:36,280 --> 00:16:39,520 - Cathy's at a spa, Gordon. - Ignore him, Gordon. 321 00:16:39,520 --> 00:16:42,400 Ian, just call. 322 00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:45,000 Gordon, Gordon, you'll like this. 323 00:16:45,000 --> 00:16:48,880 You know, there was a guy in there earlier having a slash 324 00:16:48,880 --> 00:16:50,960 with his trousers round his ankles. 325 00:16:52,320 --> 00:16:54,800 You saw the lot. 326 00:16:54,800 --> 00:16:57,520 - Right, I've got a haddock. - Whoo! There she is, 327 00:16:57,520 --> 00:17:00,320 - with the fishes and the dishes. Whoo! Whoo! - Haddock! 328 00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:01,880 Here! 329 00:17:01,880 --> 00:17:06,320 Oh, look at that! Fucking yes, Beth! 330 00:17:06,320 --> 00:17:07,840 - Another haddock? - Erm... 331 00:17:07,840 --> 00:17:10,720 It's her birthday. Well, was. 332 00:17:10,720 --> 00:17:14,320 - HE SLURS: - Ian, you...you all right? You all right, aye? 333 00:17:14,320 --> 00:17:16,080 Yous having anything? 334 00:17:16,080 --> 00:17:18,560 - Sweetcorn fritters. - They're just bringing them. 335 00:17:18,560 --> 00:17:22,200 Right, OK. Right, apologies. Nae bother. 336 00:17:22,200 --> 00:17:25,840 - Just start. - I'm waiting on my tartare sauce. 337 00:17:25,840 --> 00:17:27,720 Where are the sauces, Beth? 338 00:17:27,720 --> 00:17:29,880 We'll ask the waitress when she comes back. 339 00:17:29,880 --> 00:17:31,800 - Right, I've got a burger. - That's mine. 340 00:17:31,800 --> 00:17:34,800 - Excuse me? - And sweetcorn fritters. - That's me. 341 00:17:34,800 --> 00:17:38,040 - Excuse me? - Two seconds. Whose is the extra plate, again? 342 00:17:38,040 --> 00:17:39,280 That's me. 343 00:17:39,280 --> 00:17:41,720 Whoa, whoa, whoa, there's nothing on that! 344 00:17:41,720 --> 00:17:43,440 - That's what he asked for. - Excuse me? 345 00:17:43,440 --> 00:17:45,280 I mean, I know he's on a diet, but come on! 346 00:17:45,280 --> 00:17:46,880 It's all right, Colin. It's all right. 347 00:17:46,880 --> 00:17:49,080 We're sharing. They're sharing their fish with him. 348 00:17:49,080 --> 00:17:52,880 - Excuse me? - Oh, right. I thought he got an empty plate! 349 00:17:52,880 --> 00:17:56,560 Beth, I thought... I thought he'd been given an empty plate. 350 00:17:56,560 --> 00:17:59,000 Look, I'm sorry. 351 00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:01,200 I'm sorry, darling. Just give us a hug, eh? 352 00:18:01,200 --> 00:18:04,200 - No, no, no. - Colin, no! - Excuse me! 353 00:18:04,200 --> 00:18:08,520 - Yes? - Do you have any tartare sauce? 354 00:18:08,520 --> 00:18:10,840 - Yep. Anything else? - Erm, tomato sauce, please. 355 00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:12,720 - OK. Anything else? - Vinegar, please. 356 00:18:12,720 --> 00:18:15,360 - Anything else? - Is it sachets? - Aye. 357 00:18:15,360 --> 00:18:18,840 Aw, well, fuck it, just bring us two of everything, then. 358 00:18:18,840 --> 00:18:21,280 Right, give us your plate over, Eric. 359 00:18:21,280 --> 00:18:24,280 Here, Eric, you can have some of these chips. 360 00:18:24,280 --> 00:18:27,480 Some of these massive ones are quite hard in the middle, 361 00:18:27,480 --> 00:18:30,400 - so you can have them. - Here you go. 362 00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:36,360 Oh, you should have given him the wee curly bit at the end, Beth. 363 00:18:36,360 --> 00:18:39,840 There's bugger all fish in that, Gordon. It's just pure batter. 364 00:18:40,920 --> 00:18:44,040 - That all right for you? - Mm, looks good. Yours? 365 00:18:44,040 --> 00:18:47,160 - Oh, yeah, it looks nice. - Let's have a wee look, Gordon. 366 00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:48,600 Let's see what you got. 367 00:18:48,600 --> 00:18:52,520 Aw, see, that's the thing about being vegetarian - 368 00:18:52,520 --> 00:18:56,360 you always end up with the shitest thing on the menu, don't you? 369 00:18:57,840 --> 00:19:00,880 Oh, here's my friend again. 370 00:19:00,880 --> 00:19:02,680 Here, see when you... 371 00:19:02,680 --> 00:19:05,000 See when you brought that plate over, 372 00:19:05,000 --> 00:19:07,960 I thought that was supposed to be his meal 373 00:19:07,960 --> 00:19:10,480 and you forgot to put food on it. 374 00:19:13,200 --> 00:19:16,160 Oh, right, there we are. Oh, that's it. 375 00:19:17,280 --> 00:19:18,600 Right. 376 00:19:23,800 --> 00:19:27,840 - Oh, bastard! Have you got yours, Ian? - No. 377 00:19:27,840 --> 00:19:30,520 Fucking nuisance, these things, aren't they? 378 00:19:31,760 --> 00:19:36,000 Oh, there we are! That's it now. That's it. 379 00:19:37,840 --> 00:19:39,320 That's it. 380 00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:45,080 Mm. Do you know, I remember the days 381 00:19:45,080 --> 00:19:48,640 when this would have been a luxury - going out for a meal. 382 00:19:48,640 --> 00:19:50,720 Special occasions only. 383 00:19:50,720 --> 00:19:54,160 - Well, it's Beth's birthday. - Ah, well, was. 384 00:19:54,160 --> 00:19:56,000 See when I was your age, 385 00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:58,560 we never went out for something to eat. 386 00:19:58,560 --> 00:20:01,040 No, we always got fed in the house. 387 00:20:01,040 --> 00:20:04,720 - Aye, and once in a blue moon, you'd get a chippy. - Aye. 388 00:20:04,720 --> 00:20:07,960 Oh, and you had the same every week, eh? 389 00:20:07,960 --> 00:20:09,880 You had mince on a Monday, 390 00:20:09,880 --> 00:20:14,880 and your cottage pie on a Tuesday to use up the mince from the Monday. 391 00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:17,760 SHE CHUCKLES Stewing steak on a Wednesday, 392 00:20:17,760 --> 00:20:21,200 pork chop on a Thursday and then your fish, 393 00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:24,640 done in a crumb, fried with an egg, on a Friday. 394 00:20:24,640 --> 00:20:27,760 Oh, nothing wrong with that, eh? 395 00:20:27,760 --> 00:20:29,880 Good Scottish diet. 396 00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:32,640 My mother made that every week 397 00:20:32,640 --> 00:20:34,720 till she had those heart attacks. 398 00:20:34,720 --> 00:20:39,560 I remember my mother used to cook lamb every Sunday. 399 00:20:39,560 --> 00:20:42,920 - I loved it. - Ooh, lamb. 400 00:20:42,920 --> 00:20:49,040 Do you know that lamb comes from an actual lamb, Gordon? 401 00:20:49,040 --> 00:20:51,760 We always had chicken on a Sunday 402 00:20:51,760 --> 00:20:53,760 and then, on the Monday, we'd have soup. 403 00:20:53,760 --> 00:20:58,440 Oh, yes, that's your proper way to make stock, you know - 404 00:20:58,440 --> 00:21:00,760 boil up the carcass of the bird. 405 00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:05,640 - Christine, Gordon's vegetarian. - Oh. Oh, sorry, son. Sorry. 406 00:21:05,640 --> 00:21:07,640 I meant skeleton. 407 00:21:07,640 --> 00:21:11,560 I tell you, I'm glad that I ran into you today. 408 00:21:11,560 --> 00:21:13,360 I really am. 409 00:21:13,360 --> 00:21:15,320 It's actually made my day. 410 00:21:15,320 --> 00:21:18,360 - Aw. - No, it has. 411 00:21:18,360 --> 00:21:20,600 I'm actually feeling quite emotional about it 412 00:21:20,600 --> 00:21:24,560 - just thinking about it, you know? - Aw, that's nice. 413 00:21:24,560 --> 00:21:26,400 Any word on that taxi, Ian? 414 00:21:26,400 --> 00:21:28,960 I mean, you're my neighbours, you know, 415 00:21:28,960 --> 00:21:33,560 but see just sitting here, you know, watching you eating your chips, 416 00:21:33,560 --> 00:21:35,520 it's made me realise that you're... 417 00:21:36,520 --> 00:21:38,640 ..you're actually my friends, as well. 418 00:21:38,640 --> 00:21:41,000 - Aw! - Phone it again, son. 419 00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:44,880 - Happy birthday to you... - Oh, for God... - Shh! 420 00:21:44,880 --> 00:21:47,840 - Colin! Shh! Shh! Shh! - Happy birthday to... 421 00:21:47,840 --> 00:21:49,960 What is it? What is it? It's Beth's birthday! 422 00:21:49,960 --> 00:21:52,680 I just want to wish her a happy birthday, right? 423 00:21:52,680 --> 00:21:55,840 Yeah, not just now. We'll do it later, eh? 424 00:21:55,840 --> 00:21:59,000 I'm sending Cathy a text. 425 00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:01,560 - Have you got enough? - Aye, I'm fine. 426 00:22:01,560 --> 00:22:03,840 - Have a few more. - Did you guys order a taxi? 427 00:22:03,840 --> 00:22:06,640 - ALL: - Yes! - Colin, that's your taxi. 428 00:22:06,640 --> 00:22:11,000 - Mm? - Colin. - What? 429 00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:12,400 Oh, right. 430 00:22:15,080 --> 00:22:17,560 Come on, I'll see you in to it. 431 00:22:17,560 --> 00:22:19,520 I need to get something out the car, anyway. 432 00:22:19,520 --> 00:22:21,680 - PHONE BEEPS - Wait. She's text me back. 433 00:22:21,680 --> 00:22:23,760 Let's see. What's that, Gordon? 434 00:22:23,760 --> 00:22:27,680 I cannae see what that is. Is that a picture of a flag? 435 00:22:27,680 --> 00:22:30,560 - What is it? - She's sent me a flag. 436 00:22:30,560 --> 00:22:32,760 He asked her what treatment she'd had done at the spa 437 00:22:32,760 --> 00:22:34,880 and she's just sent him a picture of a Brazil flag. 438 00:22:34,880 --> 00:22:37,560 Oh, right. Come on, Colin. Let's go. 439 00:22:37,560 --> 00:22:39,360 OK, OK. 440 00:22:39,360 --> 00:22:42,080 - Bye, Colin. - Bye, Beth. 441 00:22:43,840 --> 00:22:48,040 Beth, Beth... Happy birthday, Beth. 442 00:22:48,040 --> 00:22:51,800 - Thank you. - I'm very sorry I didn't get you anything. 443 00:22:51,800 --> 00:22:56,560 - Och, don't worry. - Beth, Beth... 444 00:22:56,560 --> 00:22:59,160 - Colin, come on! - All right, all right. 445 00:22:59,160 --> 00:23:00,840 Christine... 446 00:23:04,040 --> 00:23:08,240 - Right, let's go. - Come on. 447 00:23:08,240 --> 00:23:10,320 HE EXHALES 448 00:23:15,040 --> 00:23:17,120 Two minutes, my friend. 449 00:23:17,120 --> 00:23:19,320 OK, well, that's us, then. 450 00:23:19,320 --> 00:23:23,360 - Here, give us a hug, Gordon. - Aw, you're all right. 451 00:23:26,000 --> 00:23:28,840 Just hope people don't think we're a couple. 452 00:23:28,840 --> 00:23:32,080 - No. - I mean, you look it, but I don't. 453 00:23:32,080 --> 00:23:33,880 - Nae offence. - That's fine. 454 00:23:36,560 --> 00:23:39,240 - Do you think you can tell? - Tell what? 455 00:23:39,240 --> 00:23:41,800 If someone's, you know... 456 00:23:41,800 --> 00:23:44,600 - What is it you're meant to say? - Gay? 457 00:23:44,600 --> 00:23:48,360 - Aye, or bent or whatever. - Well, I can. 458 00:23:49,800 --> 00:23:51,680 You see, I can't. 459 00:23:51,680 --> 00:23:56,080 You know, well, I can sometimes tell lesbians, 460 00:23:56,080 --> 00:24:00,800 but see guys? You know, it could be anybody. 461 00:24:00,800 --> 00:24:03,920 Do you know, there was a guy once 462 00:24:03,920 --> 00:24:06,240 who gave me the eye in Starbucks, Gordon? 463 00:24:06,240 --> 00:24:08,440 - Really? - Mm-hm. He was... 464 00:24:08,440 --> 00:24:10,680 He was standing next to the marshmallows 465 00:24:10,680 --> 00:24:13,040 and he just looked at me. 466 00:24:13,040 --> 00:24:15,120 No. Looked at you how? 467 00:24:15,120 --> 00:24:17,880 It was like this. You know, it was like... 468 00:24:21,360 --> 00:24:24,400 - What is going on? - Erm, Colin's just telling me 469 00:24:24,400 --> 00:24:26,960 about the guy who were coming on to him in Starbucks. 470 00:24:26,960 --> 00:24:30,360 - Oh, right. - He looked at me like this, Ian. 471 00:24:33,680 --> 00:24:35,840 Right, well, erm, we should just go in. 472 00:24:35,840 --> 00:24:39,840 - What's that? - Erm, it's a cake for my mum. 473 00:24:39,840 --> 00:24:44,320 Away! Oh, come on, I cannae miss that. 474 00:24:44,320 --> 00:24:47,400 Two minutes, my friend! Two minutes! 475 00:24:51,160 --> 00:24:54,200 Do yous want the menus back to look at the desserts? 476 00:24:54,200 --> 00:24:57,160 - Oh, I'm not really that... - I'm wanting a sticky toffee pudding 477 00:24:57,160 --> 00:24:59,400 with one of your lattes in a big glass 478 00:24:59,400 --> 00:25:01,600 with two bits of tablet on the side, hen. 479 00:25:01,600 --> 00:25:04,040 I'll just leave these here. 480 00:25:05,960 --> 00:25:10,640 - Hey-hey! - Oh. - Aw, you're fucking joking! 481 00:25:10,640 --> 00:25:13,760 - I thought you were... - I couldn't leave without singing 482 00:25:13,760 --> 00:25:16,200 Happy Birthday! 483 00:25:16,200 --> 00:25:19,040 - Oh, no. - Aw, look at that! 484 00:25:19,040 --> 00:25:21,480 Hey, you kept that quiet, eh? 485 00:25:21,480 --> 00:25:24,440 Aw, that's nice. A birthday cake, eh? 486 00:25:24,440 --> 00:25:27,240 Oh, and look - Tesco's Finest. 487 00:25:27,240 --> 00:25:30,840 You've certainly been getting the five-star treatment today, Beth. 488 00:25:30,840 --> 00:25:33,600 You know, I feel bad I havnae got you anything, honestly. 489 00:25:33,600 --> 00:25:36,240 - Don't worry, we got her something. - Did you? 490 00:25:36,240 --> 00:25:40,920 I'm a last-minute invitation, so I havnae had a chance. 491 00:25:40,920 --> 00:25:43,560 Oh, the boys got me a voucher for a treatment. 492 00:25:43,560 --> 00:25:45,800 PHONE BEEPS 493 00:25:45,800 --> 00:25:49,760 Oh, it's Cathy. Aw, she's sent me a photo. 494 00:25:49,760 --> 00:25:52,680 Why don't we get this out of the box and sing Happy Birthday 495 00:25:52,680 --> 00:25:54,720 so Colin can get on his way? 496 00:25:56,040 --> 00:25:58,200 Aw, that's nice, Beth. 497 00:25:58,200 --> 00:26:01,600 You've certainly got a lot to choose from there, you know. 498 00:26:01,600 --> 00:26:03,720 - Oh, thanks, boys. - Pleasure. 499 00:26:03,720 --> 00:26:06,120 You could always get one of these done, Beth. 500 00:26:06,120 --> 00:26:09,040 - What's that? - Look at that. 501 00:26:10,320 --> 00:26:14,560 - Is that...? - It's Cathy's, aye. - What is it? 502 00:26:18,160 --> 00:26:21,600 Aw, for God's sake! 503 00:26:22,800 --> 00:26:25,200 Sorry, Eric. I can't show you. 504 00:26:25,200 --> 00:26:28,080 - Fair enough. - It's private. 505 00:26:28,080 --> 00:26:30,240 It's Cathy's chuff. 506 00:26:32,080 --> 00:26:34,800 OK, are we ready? Shall we do this? 507 00:26:38,920 --> 00:26:43,520 ALL: Happy birthday to you 508 00:26:43,520 --> 00:26:47,040 ? Happy birthday to you... ? 509 00:26:47,040 --> 00:26:48,360 At last! 510 00:26:48,360 --> 00:26:51,400 Happy birthday dear 511 00:26:51,400 --> 00:26:53,440 - Mrs Baird - Beth 512 00:26:53,440 --> 00:26:58,560 ? Happy birthday to you. ? 513 00:26:58,560 --> 00:27:01,600 - Come on, everybody! Hip hip! - ALL: Hooray! 514 00:27:01,600 --> 00:27:04,920 - Hip hip! - Hooray! - Hip hip! 515 00:27:06,400 --> 00:27:08,000 Jeez! 516 00:27:08,000 --> 00:27:10,000 SHE SNIGGERS 517 00:27:10,000 --> 00:27:11,800 Are yous all right? Is he all right? 518 00:27:11,800 --> 00:27:15,040 - Aye, aye, he's fine. - He's all right. - Sorry. 519 00:27:15,040 --> 00:27:18,480 Aw, what a shame. Is that your birthday cake, as well? 520 00:27:18,480 --> 00:27:19,640 Don't worry. 521 00:27:19,640 --> 00:27:23,040 - Whose birthday is it? - Mine. - Aw. 522 00:27:23,040 --> 00:27:25,320 Well, was. 523 00:27:26,920 --> 00:27:29,360 Happy birthday to you 524 00:27:29,360 --> 00:27:32,080 Happy birthday to you 525 00:27:37,520 --> 00:27:38,920 Get your finger out of it 526 00:27:38,920 --> 00:27:42,560 It don't belong to you 527 00:27:42,560 --> 00:27:44,240 Get your finger out of it 528 00:27:44,240 --> 00:27:47,880 It don't belong to you 529 00:27:47,880 --> 00:27:52,560 ? I wouldn't give you a piece even if it's your birthday, too. ? 530 00:27:52,610 --> 00:27:57,160 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 42520

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