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1
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I wonder what's going on there. Beth! Come here and see this.
2
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Oh, what's happened?
3
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I don't know.
4
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Don't let them see you.
5
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Don't want to look like the nosey neighbours.
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- Right, that's them going, will we go down and see what's happening?
- Yes.
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Colin! What's going on?
8
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Everything all right?
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We've been broken into.
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Oh, no!
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- Oh, you're joking.
- I know.
12
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Oh, you poor thing.
13
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Have they taken much?
14
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The usual. Laptops, jewellery,
15
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it's the sentimental stuff that gets to you, though.
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I know.
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That big fake Rolex I got in Thailand - just gone.
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It could have happened to any of us.
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Aye, well, not really, though, Eric. I mean, they're not going to
20
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target your place, you know, they want stuff they can actually sell.
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Uh.
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Just shows you though, eh, you can have all the fancy alarms
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and security cameras you like, they're always going to find a way.
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How did they get in?
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I left the patio doors open.
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SYNC by DakinPEx
SUBSCENE
27
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Hi, Cathy.
28
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Oh, Beth.
29
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Oh, Cathy, I'm so sorry.
30
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Oh, how are you feeling?
31
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- I'm in shock, Beth.
- Oh!
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If it wasn't for my Botox, it would really show.
33
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Have you lost much?
34
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Mainly expression around my eyebrows.
35
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House stuff, Cath, stuff out the house, she means.
36
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They said we've to make a list but I'm finding it really difficult.
37
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Well, you're upset.
38
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And I can't find a fucking pen! Oh, Beth, I'm devastated, I really am.
39
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Oh, come here, you.
40
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Look, the most important thing is that you're both OK.
41
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Well, that's right, you're right, Eric.
42
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I mean, I feel fine, actually.
43
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It was actually a good opportunity to get a word with the police there.
44
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- Right.
- Cos I said to them about those jonnie bags
45
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we found lying at the foot of the road - he said it was
46
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most likely as a result of someone getting pumped in the back of a car.
47
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Well, well, look, let's just focus on getting you back to normal, shall we?
48
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- Exactly.
- Yes, Eric, normal! Life will carry on as normal.
49
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I refuse to be affected by this.
50
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I refuse to live in fear because of what's happened to us.
51
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That's good.
52
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DOORBELL RINGS
53
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I'll get it.
54
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- What did the police say, then?
- Oh, they were excellent.
55
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Really?
56
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Within two minutes, they could tell me it was an opportunist,
57
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working alone, looking for high-value items to sell for drugs.
58
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God, that's amazing.
59
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And what are the chances of them catching him?
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Practically nil.
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Oh, hi, Christine.
62
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Hello, Beth.
63
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Colin, I've just heard what happened.
64
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I know. I mean, what can you say?
65
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Oh, fucking scum!
66
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Christine!
67
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There was a bungalow on the other side got done last month.
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- I never heard about that.
- Oh, aye.
69
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Came in in the middle of the night while they were asleep in their beds.
70
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That's why I always sleep with all my jewellery on.
71
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- Do you?
- Oh, aye -
72
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when I come down in the morning for my breakfast, I'm like Mr T.
73
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Oh, dear.
74
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Did they take much?
75
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The usual - laptops, money, iPad.
76
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Thank God it wasn't me -
77
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they would have been off with that wee toastie machine of mine.
78
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I mean, it sits there in full view.
79
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I-I still can't believe it.
80
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I think I'm still in shock.
81
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Hot sweet tea, Cathy, that's what you want for shock.
82
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Do you want me to go and make you a cup of tea, Cathy?
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No, thanks, Beth.
84
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I'd take one though, Beth.
85
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You're not in shock.
86
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No, but I was excited when I saw the police car.
87
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I'll make you a tea, Christine,
88
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it'll be good to take my mind off things.
89
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Oh, thanks, Cathy. God bless you.
90
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Three sugars.
91
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- What a shame.
- I know, she's taken it bad.
92
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She has, aye.
93
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Here, Beth, you go through and see if she's got any biscuits.
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CATHY SCREAMS
95
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- What is it?
- They've been in the drawer.
96
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They've been in the cutlery drawer.
97
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How do you know?
98
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I had Valiums in there beside the teaspoons and they've gone.
99
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- Are you sure?
- Yes.
100
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I keep some in there, some in the living room,
101
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some in the bathroom, some in the hall cupboard,
102
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some in the vase on the landing and the rest in the car.
103
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Just to help me reverse park.
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Come on, we'll go back through to the living room and sit down.
105
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No, Colin, I can't be in this house!
106
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I mean, the thought of them being in here is making me - oh!
107
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Come on, calm...
108
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I don't think we should stay here either, Beth?
109
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Why not?
110
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Well, if we're not getting a tea, there's no point.
111
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Come on!
112
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Do you know that, if you get caught thieving in Saudi Arabia,
113
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you get your hands cut off?
114
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- Can you imagine that, Eric?
- Aye, I know.
115
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That'd certainly put them off burgling and what have you.
116
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Mind you, stumps - no fingers - no fingerprints,
117
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might just make the whole thing a lot easier for them.
118
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How you feeling, Cathy?
119
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A bit better, I think that brandy's helped a bit.
120
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That's good.
121
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As I say, it's helped a bit.
122
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Would you like another one?
123
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Well, if you think I should.
124
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I'll maybe take a wee one as well, Beth.
125
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The last thing Cathy's needing on top of all of this is to be drinking alone.
126
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- Colin?
- No, no.
127
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Och, aye.
128
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Crime in this country is out of control.
129
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Nobody's got any respect for each other nowadays.
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As I said before, fucking scum.
131
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I would never stoop to stealing.
132
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Nor me, Cathy, no matter how bad things got.
133
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Yeah, you've got to keep your dignity.
134
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I've always said, if it ever came to it,
135
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I would be a drug dealer before I would be a thief.
136
00:06:30,817 --> 00:06:34,097
- Quite right.
- I would not get nutted myself, though.
137
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Or sell outside schools.
138
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During term time.
139
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I tell you what, they were lucky we were away cos, see,
140
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if I'd got my hands on them...
141
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Mmm, aye, I can just see the headlines in the paper now -
142
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Man Bores Burglars To Death.
143
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Beth, you've not got a wee biscuit on the go, have you?
144
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It's worse if you're living on your own - I mean,
145
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that just doesnae bear thinking about.
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Pat keeps a knife under her bed.
147
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In case she's broken into?
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It's really for buttering crackers but it could double up.
149
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- If we were in America, we could have guns!
- She's right.
150
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They're ten a penny there. They sell them in supermarkets.
151
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Do they?
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Jesus, can you imagine? I just popped in for a pint of milk
153
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and ended up buying a Kalashnikov as well.
154
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- What's wrong with that?!
- Oh, no, no, no.
155
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What, people having guns inside their own houses?
156
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No, that's a recipe for disaster, that!
157
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He's right. I mean, I cannae keep track of my remote control,
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never mind a fucking pistol.
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You'd have to use it responsibly, Eric.
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It would only be if someone attacked me that I would shoot them.
161
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Or if they attacked Colin.
162
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Or if they didn't attack either of us but were just being a cow -
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you know, just a little warning shot at their feet.
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Ch, ch - BANG!
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Hiya Mum!
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Hi, boys.
167
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Hello, Mrs Baird, how are you?
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Don't ask.
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What's going on?
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Cathy and Colin have been broken into.
171
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Oh, no, what a shame.
172
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- Are they OK?
- Fine.
173
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Well, Cathy's a bit down about it, to be honest.
174
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Bang-bang! Bang, bang, bang, ba...
175
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- Oh, hi, Gordon.
- Hi.
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- Hello, boys.
- Hiya.
177
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I'm so sorry to hear about what happened, are you OK?
178
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I'm in shock.
179
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Oh, thanks, Gordon. I feel safe with you, honey.
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What happened?
181
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We were at the time-share -
182
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we have two weeks high season anywhere in Europe.
183
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It's the Platinum Plan, Gordon.
184
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- I came through the door, put the cases down.
- Samsonite, honey.
185
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Went through the hall, into the living room and that's
186
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- when I knew something was up.
- Aye?
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The place was a mess, Ian.
188
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Not like in here, where it just needs a good tidy. I mean, a mess.
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There was stuff all emptied out the drawers,
190
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a DVD player pulled out the wall.
191
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Important medicine removed from its hiding place!
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What an absolute nightmare.
193
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Thank you, Gordon, that means a lot, honey.
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Let me give you just a small kiss.
195
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Have they got any idea who did it?
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I'll tell you who did it...
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All right, Christine, we know who did it. Fucking scum, thank you.
198
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The police have been, but, eh,
199
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- they don't think there's much hope of catching them.
- Pf!
200
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They're only interested in sitting in the comfort of their cars,
201
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with the speed gun in one hand and a bacon roll in the other.
202
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Did anyone ever watch The Bill?
203
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So what have you two been up to?
204
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- We've been in town getting suits.
- Suits?
205
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It's Morven and Lynn's wedding.
206
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- Is that the lesbians?
- Mm-hm.
207
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Oh, that's lovely.
208
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I'm all in favour of the equal rights.
209
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- I'm going to a wedding myself.
- Are you?
210
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Aye, but a proper one, though. See, the trouble I'm having, trying
211
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to find something for round my neck to go with that dress I've got.
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I'm sure I could find you something.
213
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Would you like to get married, Gordon, if they keep allowing it?
214
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- Erm...
- So are we getting a look at them?
215
00:10:06,897 --> 00:10:08,257
- Oh, no.
- Go on!
216
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No, I've got a photo on my phone I can show you.
217
00:10:10,177 --> 00:10:13,657
Don't be so lazy and nasty, Ian, go and get them!
218
00:10:16,297 --> 00:10:20,937
Gordon, if you had the choice between prison
219
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and getting your hand cut off, what would you take?
220
00:10:30,137 --> 00:10:33,577
Colin's got a lovely Hugo Boss one, Gordon.
221
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It's midnight navy with purple lining. It's really classy, in't it?
222
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Oh, yeah. Every time he wears it, I just want to shag him.
223
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Oh! Woo!
224
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Right, let's get a look at them.
225
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Oh, I like a man in a suit!
226
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Makes them look distinguished.
227
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Well, not Eric.
228
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He just looks like a probation officer.
229
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Oh, yes. Very smart.
230
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See, that'll do you for funerals, too, as well as gay weddings.
231
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Try them on!
232
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Oh, not just now, Cathy.
233
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Come on, those off and that on!
234
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It's a bit like being on that Gok Wan show, in't it?
235
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Oh, I love him!
236
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Beth - Gok Wan, eh?
237
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- Yeah, I don't mind him.
- Who's Gok Wan?
238
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Och, you know, with the big specs and the teeth. He does that programme
239
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where he gets folk to strip naked and then they burst into tears.
240
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Dear God!
241
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He's no oil painting himself so he's ideal for it.
242
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Oh! Put the trousers on!
243
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- Nah!
- Not you.
244
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Gordon, put the trousers on.
245
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- Come on, slip your jeans off.
- No.
246
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Jeans off! Jeans off! Jeans off!
247
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No, honestly, they're a bit long, anyway, the trousers.
248
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Are they? Did you buy long trousers, Gordon?
249
00:11:45,457 --> 00:11:46,537
I can get them taken up.
250
00:11:46,537 --> 00:11:48,417
Oh, don't be daft, I can do that for you.
251
00:11:48,417 --> 00:11:49,657
You don't need to, Mrs Baird.
252
00:11:49,657 --> 00:11:53,257
Oh, it's fine. If you're putting them on, I'll just pin them up, get it done.
253
00:11:53,257 --> 00:11:56,057
There you go - your own personal seamstress.
254
00:11:56,057 --> 00:12:00,577
Here, Beth - I've got a pair of cords that are needing let out.
255
00:12:00,577 --> 00:12:03,377
They're fine before I've had a meal, Gordon,
256
00:12:03,377 --> 00:12:06,537
but, see, once I've eaten, they just cut me in half.
257
00:12:06,537 --> 00:12:09,377
Right, let's get you out of these, mister.
258
00:12:11,697 --> 00:12:16,737
You're not shy, are you? Oh, his legs are lovely and smooth.
259
00:12:18,897 --> 00:12:22,217
Colin's are hairy, but he does clipper all around his ball area.
260
00:12:23,377 --> 00:12:26,097
It's an electric razor I use, Eric, it's...
261
00:12:26,097 --> 00:12:29,137
..it's... Well, it's actually quite a pleasant sensation.
262
00:12:31,017 --> 00:12:34,737
Oh, they are lovely, aren't they, Col?
263
00:12:34,737 --> 00:12:36,497
They don't look that long.
264
00:12:36,497 --> 00:12:38,017
What shoes are you wearing, Gordon?
265
00:12:38,017 --> 00:12:39,057
Brogues.
266
00:12:39,057 --> 00:12:40,617
Oh, I hate lacing shoes.
267
00:12:40,617 --> 00:12:42,097
Half an inch off, Ian?
268
00:12:43,177 --> 00:12:45,417
Eh, eh! Cathy, can you get out the way, please?
269
00:12:45,417 --> 00:12:48,297
- Can I measure him, Beth?
- Eh - you don't need to do that.
270
00:12:48,297 --> 00:12:52,617
She's just trying to help, she enjoys helping men.
271
00:12:52,617 --> 00:12:54,977
Doesn't he look lovely, Eric?
272
00:12:54,977 --> 00:12:56,017
Oh, thanks.
273
00:12:57,417 --> 00:12:58,857
Are you feeling a bit better now?
274
00:12:58,857 --> 00:13:00,617
I am, thank you, honey.
275
00:13:00,617 --> 00:13:02,977
It's good to have something to take my mind off things.
276
00:13:02,977 --> 00:13:06,177
Aye, you'll be fine. Once you get the place tidied up and made
277
00:13:06,177 --> 00:13:09,377
to feel more like home again, you'll forget it ever happened.
278
00:13:09,377 --> 00:13:11,697
It is quite traumatic, when you think about it.
279
00:13:11,697 --> 00:13:14,417
Someone coming into your home when you're not there.
280
00:13:14,417 --> 00:13:17,977
I mean, if it was me, there's no way I'd be able to go back and sleep there.
281
00:13:41,017 --> 00:13:43,257
That's lovely, Eric, thank you.
282
00:13:43,257 --> 00:13:46,297
- Cathy?
- I don't think I could, Eric.
283
00:13:46,297 --> 00:13:47,497
Actually, I can.
284
00:13:53,737 --> 00:13:56,377
Oh! I enjoy a brandy.
285
00:13:57,817 --> 00:13:59,217
I like whisky, too.
286
00:14:00,897 --> 00:14:03,977
It's the clear spirits that you've got to watch.
287
00:14:03,977 --> 00:14:05,497
You drink vodka, though.
288
00:14:05,497 --> 00:14:08,657
Aye, but only if it's mixed with orange, though.
289
00:14:09,577 --> 00:14:11,177
- All right?
- Aye, aye.
290
00:14:11,177 --> 00:14:12,777
Did you bring me a towel?
291
00:14:12,777 --> 00:14:15,177
I don't like Beth's wee thin ones.
292
00:14:15,177 --> 00:14:16,257
I brought you a towel.
293
00:14:16,257 --> 00:14:17,737
And socks - did you bring socks?
294
00:14:17,737 --> 00:14:19,857
I don't like her cheap carpet on my bare feet.
295
00:14:19,857 --> 00:14:21,017
I brought socks.
296
00:14:24,537 --> 00:14:27,257
- What's the matter?
- Everything all right, Colin?
297
00:14:27,257 --> 00:14:30,537
Well, there's been a bit of a development.
298
00:14:30,537 --> 00:14:32,417
What kind of a development?
299
00:14:33,897 --> 00:14:34,937
What is it?
300
00:14:34,937 --> 00:14:38,377
Well, obviously, we know what they've taken from the house.
301
00:14:38,377 --> 00:14:40,537
But they've left some stuff as well.
302
00:14:40,537 --> 00:14:43,857
- What?
- Well, there's some stuff that they've left behind.
303
00:14:43,857 --> 00:14:45,417
What?
304
00:14:45,417 --> 00:14:46,737
It's like a wee deposit.
305
00:14:46,737 --> 00:14:49,817
- They've not shat in your Jacuzzi, have they?
- No.
306
00:14:49,817 --> 00:14:51,737
What is it, Col?! Tell me!
307
00:14:53,737 --> 00:14:56,617
They've performed a sexual act.
308
00:14:56,617 --> 00:14:58,337
- What?
- Eugh!
309
00:14:58,337 --> 00:14:59,937
What kind of sexual act?
310
00:15:00,977 --> 00:15:02,897
They have pleasured themselves.
311
00:15:04,297 --> 00:15:09,817
Oh! Oh, no! Where? Where have they done that?
312
00:15:09,817 --> 00:15:12,497
- In the bedroom.
- Oh, no!
313
00:15:12,497 --> 00:15:15,857
It's all right, Cathy - you can turn your mattress.
314
00:15:15,857 --> 00:15:18,297
No, it wasn't on the bed.
315
00:15:20,617 --> 00:15:22,097
Where was it? Tell me.
316
00:15:23,217 --> 00:15:24,337
It was in your pant drawer.
317
00:15:24,337 --> 00:15:27,337
Oh, no, I don't believe it.
318
00:15:27,337 --> 00:15:28,817
Oh, no.
319
00:15:28,817 --> 00:15:30,417
Oh, dear God.
320
00:15:30,417 --> 00:15:31,737
Oh, yuck.
321
00:15:31,737 --> 00:15:33,137
That is so gross.
322
00:15:33,137 --> 00:15:35,017
I mean, how would you even...?
323
00:15:35,017 --> 00:15:37,337
You just trousers down, up on the tiptoes...
324
00:15:37,337 --> 00:15:38,457
All right, Colin!
325
00:15:38,457 --> 00:15:41,617
- I want everything out of that house now!
- Eh?
326
00:15:41,617 --> 00:15:45,697
Every single pair of pants out of that drawer and into the bin!
327
00:15:45,697 --> 00:15:48,217
Cathy, no - that's a bit drastic.
328
00:15:48,217 --> 00:15:51,617
There is spunk all over my pants!
329
00:15:51,617 --> 00:15:53,057
What do you expect me to do?
330
00:15:53,057 --> 00:15:56,497
Well, a boil wash and a wee bit of Vanish, no?
331
00:15:56,497 --> 00:15:57,777
Oh, come here, you.
332
00:15:57,777 --> 00:16:00,817
No, get off me! Can you not just leave me alone?
333
00:16:00,817 --> 00:16:04,857
In fact, I want every single bit of clothing out of that house and in the bin!
334
00:16:04,857 --> 00:16:06,057
Cathy, no!
335
00:16:06,057 --> 00:16:07,817
Come on, Cath! There's no need for that.
336
00:16:07,817 --> 00:16:08,857
Now!
337
00:16:12,377 --> 00:16:15,297
OK, shall we make a start?
338
00:16:15,297 --> 00:16:18,017
- It's a bit over the score, is it not?
- Well...
339
00:16:18,017 --> 00:16:19,937
I mean, she definitely wants everything out?
340
00:16:19,937 --> 00:16:21,097
You know what Cath's like.
341
00:16:21,097 --> 00:16:23,977
Well, I mean, I could see the point if he'd been in other places,
342
00:16:23,977 --> 00:16:26,457
but the fact that it was only in that one drawer...
343
00:16:27,897 --> 00:16:29,297
You don't think...?
344
00:16:29,297 --> 00:16:30,657
We'd better check and see.
345
00:16:47,977 --> 00:16:49,417
Oh, God.
346
00:17:03,577 --> 00:17:04,617
How is she?
347
00:17:05,937 --> 00:17:07,137
I've run her a bath
348
00:17:07,137 --> 00:17:10,137
and given her half a bottle of white to keep her going.
349
00:17:10,137 --> 00:17:11,657
That's good.
350
00:17:11,657 --> 00:17:13,537
It's terrible, isn't it?
351
00:17:13,537 --> 00:17:15,497
Aye, aye.
352
00:17:17,457 --> 00:17:20,417
Did I ever tell you about the time that Pat saw a man
353
00:17:20,417 --> 00:17:24,297
- masturbating into a bin in a railway station?
- No.
354
00:17:24,297 --> 00:17:28,297
It was in Kilmarnock. She was on her way to see a swimming gala.
355
00:17:28,297 --> 00:17:31,817
Christine! Can we just talk about something else?
356
00:17:31,817 --> 00:17:33,697
Of course, Beth, of course.
357
00:17:39,937 --> 00:17:44,697
She also saw a woman stealing a roll of sellotape. Same trip!
358
00:17:46,617 --> 00:17:49,497
Gordon, you're still sitting in your pants!
359
00:17:49,497 --> 00:17:51,297
Oh, I don't mind.
360
00:17:51,297 --> 00:17:53,577
Let's get these trousers sorted.
361
00:18:04,177 --> 00:18:05,937
You all right, Cathy?
362
00:18:05,937 --> 00:18:06,977
Yes, thanks.
363
00:18:08,337 --> 00:18:11,017
It's the first time I've ever had a bath here.
364
00:18:11,017 --> 00:18:13,377
- Right.
- It's so tiny.
365
00:18:15,297 --> 00:18:17,377
- You feeling better?
- I am, thank you.
366
00:18:18,497 --> 00:18:19,537
Oh, Beth.
367
00:18:21,817 --> 00:18:25,257
Honestly, I don't know what I'd do without you.
368
00:18:25,257 --> 00:18:31,017
You, and your little bath and your cheap dressing gown.
369
00:18:31,017 --> 00:18:33,937
You are a godsend, missus.
370
00:18:35,097 --> 00:18:36,897
FRONT DOOR OPENS
371
00:18:47,137 --> 00:18:49,337
I had a bath.
372
00:18:49,337 --> 00:18:50,777
To relax myself.
373
00:18:50,777 --> 00:18:52,657
You had a bath here?
374
00:18:52,657 --> 00:18:54,817
- Yes.
- In that wee...? - Yes!
375
00:18:54,817 --> 00:18:57,417
Cathy, are you sure you want to chuck all this?
376
00:18:57,417 --> 00:19:00,097
It does seem a terrible waste.
377
00:19:00,097 --> 00:19:02,257
The thought of having any of it near me...
378
00:19:02,257 --> 00:19:03,817
It's not been touched, Cathy.
379
00:19:03,817 --> 00:19:06,857
- We have searched the entire place, haven't we, Eric?
- Aye.
380
00:19:06,857 --> 00:19:09,697
And it's honestly only that one drawer he's had a go at.
381
00:19:09,697 --> 00:19:10,777
Oh!
382
00:19:10,777 --> 00:19:12,617
I think it's probably been an impulse thing.
383
00:19:12,617 --> 00:19:16,817
You know, just when he's opened it and seen the pants, it's obviously just...
384
00:19:16,817 --> 00:19:20,977
Why don't we throw all the pants out and just wash everything else?
385
00:19:20,977 --> 00:19:23,937
I'm not washing 20 bags of clothes, Colin!
386
00:19:23,937 --> 00:19:26,177
Aye, but you canny just chuck away all your clothes.
387
00:19:26,177 --> 00:19:28,417
- We could go to a laundrette.
- A laundrette?
388
00:19:28,417 --> 00:19:31,537
A service wash - you pay someone to do it all for you
389
00:19:31,537 --> 00:19:33,177
so you don't have to do it all yourself.
390
00:19:33,177 --> 00:19:36,977
I've already had one stranger rummaging through my stuff, thank you!
391
00:19:36,977 --> 00:19:41,257
Well...well, what about if it's not a stranger?
392
00:19:41,257 --> 00:19:42,417
What do you mean?
393
00:19:42,417 --> 00:19:45,537
Well, we could get someone we know to do it.
394
00:19:46,537 --> 00:19:48,617
You know, somebody you trust.
395
00:19:49,697 --> 00:19:53,577
Somebody who you've seen hanging out the washing
396
00:19:53,577 --> 00:19:56,377
and would never say no to you at a time like this.
397
00:20:03,817 --> 00:20:06,417
Everything on a 60, please, Beth.
398
00:20:06,417 --> 00:20:09,377
And none of the own-brand fabric conditioner.
399
00:20:09,377 --> 00:20:11,697
I don't want to smell like the inside of a taxi!
400
00:20:22,417 --> 00:20:23,777
How you feeling now, Cathy?
401
00:20:24,897 --> 00:20:27,297
Much better, thank you, Christine.
402
00:20:27,297 --> 00:20:30,857
I always find that a good soak calms me down as well.
403
00:20:30,857 --> 00:20:32,377
Mm.
404
00:20:32,377 --> 00:20:35,697
Good for softening up your toenails if they're due a clip, too.
405
00:20:37,337 --> 00:20:39,777
I actually prefer a bath to a shower.
406
00:20:40,697 --> 00:20:43,897
And I'd never wash my hair in a bath.
407
00:20:43,897 --> 00:20:48,657
Water that you've used to wash your undercarriage then being
408
00:20:48,657 --> 00:20:50,417
used for over your head!
409
00:20:50,417 --> 00:20:53,577
Oh, no! No, no, that's a no-no, Cath.
410
00:20:55,057 --> 00:20:57,617
Right, let's take a look at these.
411
00:20:57,617 --> 00:21:00,137
I want everything double double-checked
412
00:21:00,137 --> 00:21:03,577
and, if there's any sign of anything, it goes in the bin!
413
00:21:03,577 --> 00:21:04,897
That's fair enough.
414
00:21:06,337 --> 00:21:08,777
Oh, there's your Puffa there, Cathy.
415
00:21:08,777 --> 00:21:09,857
Oh, that's nice.
416
00:21:09,857 --> 00:21:11,457
I hope they haven't cum on that.
417
00:21:12,777 --> 00:21:13,817
Seems all right.
418
00:21:13,817 --> 00:21:16,817
Beth? Puffa jacket coming through.
419
00:21:16,817 --> 00:21:18,737
Oh, do not tumble-dry it!
420
00:21:20,177 --> 00:21:21,217
What's in this one?
421
00:21:24,137 --> 00:21:25,817
- Oh!
- What is it?
422
00:21:25,817 --> 00:21:27,377
It's your, er, bras.
423
00:21:28,457 --> 00:21:30,457
They've got a drawer to themselves.
424
00:21:30,457 --> 00:21:32,857
- We'd better check them.
- Oh, yes!
425
00:21:32,857 --> 00:21:34,177
It's frilly stuff, in't it?
426
00:21:34,177 --> 00:21:39,257
Mm-hm. That is just the kind of thing that would get his tail right up in the air.
427
00:21:39,257 --> 00:21:41,217
Right, Ian, tip them out.
428
00:21:41,217 --> 00:21:42,337
Oh, God!
429
00:21:43,777 --> 00:21:44,817
Ian.
430
00:21:47,257 --> 00:21:51,937
Eric, get your big middle light on so we can see what we've got here.
431
00:22:01,217 --> 00:22:02,257
Oh!
432
00:22:04,297 --> 00:22:06,177
- Nah, it's just a bit of fluff.
- Oh!
433
00:22:07,977 --> 00:22:11,977
Here. Cathy, do you want these gel things taken out before you
434
00:22:11,977 --> 00:22:13,017
put them in the machine?
435
00:22:13,017 --> 00:22:14,577
Beth can sort all that.
436
00:22:16,537 --> 00:22:20,217
That purple one's my favourite, Ian - I always wear that
437
00:22:20,217 --> 00:22:21,617
if we're staying in a hotel.
438
00:22:25,057 --> 00:22:27,457
Christ, how many bras does she need?
439
00:22:27,457 --> 00:22:31,017
I've only got my good Marks & Spencer one for going out
440
00:22:31,017 --> 00:22:33,337
and my old Cross Your Heart for round the house.
441
00:22:33,337 --> 00:22:36,377
PHONE RINGS
442
00:22:37,377 --> 00:22:39,617
Hi, Pat. I'm in at Beth's.
443
00:22:39,617 --> 00:22:41,777
Oh, shitstorm!
444
00:22:41,777 --> 00:22:44,257
Well, Gordon's trousers are too long
445
00:22:44,257 --> 00:22:48,137
and somebody's shot their load into Cathy's knicker drawer.
446
00:22:48,137 --> 00:22:49,377
Unbelievable, Pat...
447
00:22:49,377 --> 00:22:52,937
I thought, when that phone went, it might have been the police ringing you.
448
00:22:52,937 --> 00:22:56,497
That's a point, actually - you've not told them about this, have you?
449
00:22:56,497 --> 00:23:00,217
- Eh?
- They know about the break-in, but they don't know about him going in the drawers.
450
00:23:00,217 --> 00:23:03,577
Honest to God, Pat, I've been in and out Accessorise like a whore
451
00:23:03,577 --> 00:23:06,217
at a truckstop, and I still cannae find anything to go with it.
452
00:23:06,217 --> 00:23:09,897
Well, they did say just to ring if there was anything else.
453
00:23:09,897 --> 00:23:13,217
Well, go and tell them, Colin!
454
00:23:13,217 --> 00:23:15,937
Ah, right, Pat. OK, then. Over and out.
455
00:23:19,257 --> 00:23:23,097
I think the moths might have been at this one, Cathy.
456
00:23:23,097 --> 00:23:25,417
Is there spunk on it or not?
457
00:23:25,417 --> 00:23:29,377
Hello, it's Colin Whyte here. You were out seeing us
458
00:23:29,377 --> 00:23:31,497
earlier in Latimer Crescent.
459
00:23:31,497 --> 00:23:34,177
Aye, that's right, we were broken into.
460
00:23:35,097 --> 00:23:38,457
No, she...she's calmed down a bit. She...she's had a bath.
461
00:23:38,457 --> 00:23:41,817
Erm, what it is is that
462
00:23:41,817 --> 00:23:45,097
whoever's done the break-in has also done something else.
463
00:23:46,137 --> 00:23:48,017
Something a bit dirty.
464
00:23:49,457 --> 00:23:51,217
No, no, it's not a shite.
465
00:23:52,417 --> 00:23:55,697
They've, well - how can I put this? -
466
00:23:55,697 --> 00:23:58,897
they've wanked onto my wife's pants.
467
00:24:02,057 --> 00:24:05,337
Oh, here she is! It's like sale week at Oxfam here,
468
00:24:05,337 --> 00:24:07,937
and you're farting about in that kitchen.
469
00:24:07,937 --> 00:24:11,457
Excuse me, Christine, it's a Chinese laundry in there!
470
00:24:11,457 --> 00:24:15,537
Beth, plenty of those little sheets in with the tumble-dryer,
471
00:24:15,537 --> 00:24:18,537
please, so nothing smells of your house.
472
00:24:20,137 --> 00:24:22,137
Oh, Gordon, I forgot your trousers!
473
00:24:22,137 --> 00:24:24,417
Oh, it's fine, don't you worry about that!
474
00:24:24,417 --> 00:24:26,657
I was just going to stick my jeans back on, if that's OK.
475
00:24:26,657 --> 00:24:28,177
- No!
- Eh?
476
00:24:28,177 --> 00:24:29,377
Stay in bare legs!
477
00:24:29,377 --> 00:24:32,897
You stay in bare legs until your trousers are ready!
478
00:24:32,897 --> 00:24:34,257
What's this stuff here, Cathy?
479
00:24:34,257 --> 00:24:36,297
Uh! Let me see.
480
00:24:36,297 --> 00:24:39,137
Och, it's just bags and belts. It'll be fine, Cathy.
481
00:24:39,137 --> 00:24:40,737
Oh, God!
482
00:24:43,897 --> 00:24:47,617
Oh, oh, I remember this.
483
00:24:47,617 --> 00:24:49,737
Oh, I've not worn that for ages.
484
00:24:50,737 --> 00:24:52,857
I bought that in Crete, Gordon.
485
00:24:52,857 --> 00:24:54,657
Oh, I love Greece, me.
486
00:24:54,657 --> 00:24:56,337
No, CRETE, Gordon!
487
00:24:58,577 --> 00:25:00,137
Let's have a wee look at it, Cathy.
488
00:25:00,137 --> 00:25:01,337
That's lovely.
489
00:25:02,737 --> 00:25:04,337
Yeah, that's nice in't it, Beth?
490
00:25:05,737 --> 00:25:07,257
Yeah, very nice.
491
00:25:07,257 --> 00:25:10,137
- Oh, that suits you, Christine.
- Do you think?
492
00:25:10,137 --> 00:25:14,377
Mm-hm. It's just a wee cheap thing from a little guy in the market.
493
00:25:14,377 --> 00:25:17,817
I think that would go with that dress I've got for this wedding.
494
00:25:17,817 --> 00:25:19,017
What do you think, Beth?
495
00:25:19,017 --> 00:25:20,697
Er, yeah. Very nice.
496
00:25:22,257 --> 00:25:24,017
- Have it.
- Eh?
497
00:25:24,017 --> 00:25:26,257
- Take it.
- Are you sure?
498
00:25:26,257 --> 00:25:30,257
In fact, there's a bag to go with it as well.
499
00:25:30,257 --> 00:25:31,497
Are you sure, Cathy?
500
00:25:31,497 --> 00:25:32,737
Take them both.
501
00:25:32,737 --> 00:25:35,737
Christine, I would like you to have them.
502
00:25:37,337 --> 00:25:38,577
Thanks very much.
503
00:25:38,577 --> 00:25:40,697
Oh, give the inside of that a wipe, though.
504
00:25:40,697 --> 00:25:43,857
I'm sure I brought half a kebab home in it the last time I used it.
505
00:25:45,657 --> 00:25:47,137
So, what did they say?
506
00:25:47,137 --> 00:25:49,697
Well, he's taken all the details,
507
00:25:49,697 --> 00:25:52,297
and I've given him as much information as I could.
508
00:25:52,297 --> 00:25:53,337
Is that it?
509
00:25:54,417 --> 00:25:55,777
Well...
510
00:25:55,777 --> 00:25:57,457
..there was one other thing.
511
00:25:57,457 --> 00:25:58,777
What was that?
512
00:25:58,777 --> 00:26:02,617
He said, obviously, it could be a random attacker who just
513
00:26:02,617 --> 00:26:04,657
seized the opportunity to have a...
514
00:26:04,657 --> 00:26:06,097
All right, Colin!
515
00:26:06,097 --> 00:26:10,177
However, very often, in cases such as this,
516
00:26:10,177 --> 00:26:13,417
- it can actually be someone you know that's done it.
- Eh?
517
00:26:13,417 --> 00:26:15,897
- That's what he said.
- Och, that's ridiculous!
518
00:26:15,897 --> 00:26:17,977
Well, he's asked me to make a list of anybody
519
00:26:17,977 --> 00:26:21,497
that we know that had knowledge of our whereabouts,
520
00:26:21,497 --> 00:26:24,577
would have known that we were away and the place was empty.
521
00:26:24,577 --> 00:26:27,897
Who's familiar with where stuff is in the house.
522
00:26:27,897 --> 00:26:31,657
Anyone who might be a bit of an oddball,
523
00:26:31,657 --> 00:26:34,737
or seems as though they could potentially have
524
00:26:34,737 --> 00:26:37,457
a sexually...deviant streak.
525
00:26:44,297 --> 00:26:45,617
What?
526
00:26:49,257 --> 00:26:51,377
DOG BARKS
527
00:27:04,097 --> 00:27:06,937
- You all right, Cathy?
- Oh, I'm fine. I've just got some Bacardi...
528
00:27:06,937 --> 00:27:08,057
Shh!
529
00:27:08,057 --> 00:27:10,297
..in a mug for during the night.
530
00:27:10,297 --> 00:27:12,857
Shh! Right, anything else you need?
531
00:27:12,857 --> 00:27:14,577
No, I'm fine, I'm fine.
532
00:27:14,577 --> 00:27:16,377
- Colin's going to pop round...
- Shh, Shh!
533
00:27:16,377 --> 00:27:17,897
..with my dressing gown.
534
00:27:17,897 --> 00:27:21,817
OK? This one's OK, but I just don't like it.
535
00:27:23,057 --> 00:27:25,177
Right. Well, goodnight, Cath.
536
00:27:25,177 --> 00:27:26,217
Night-night.
537
00:27:27,737 --> 00:27:31,177
Oh, Beth. I'm sorry for accusing Eric of...
538
00:27:31,177 --> 00:27:32,377
Don't worry about it.
539
00:27:32,377 --> 00:27:35,497
- I know he'd never do anything like it.
- Honestly...
540
00:27:35,497 --> 00:27:37,817
I know he's not tall enough to reach,
541
00:27:37,817 --> 00:27:39,297
so there's no way he could get his...
542
00:27:39,297 --> 00:27:42,137
Let's just try and forget about it, OK?
543
00:27:53,257 --> 00:27:54,377
Oh, f...!
544
00:27:54,377 --> 00:27:56,857
Well, come on, baby Cos I wanna do
545
00:27:56,857 --> 00:27:59,737
That washing machine boogie with you
546
00:27:59,737 --> 00:28:01,937
Hear that washer slapping 'em clean
547
00:28:01,937 --> 00:28:04,617
I love the sound of your washing machine
548
00:28:04,617 --> 00:28:07,057
Slip-slap, slap-sloo
549
00:28:07,057 --> 00:28:08,577
Come on, honey, and I wanna do
550
00:28:09,537 --> 00:28:11,617
The washing machine boogie with you
551
00:28:13,857 --> 00:28:16,337
Slip-slap, slap-sloo
552
00:28:16,337 --> 00:28:18,737
Come on, honey, and I wanna do
553
00:28:18,737 --> 00:28:21,177
? The washing machine boogie with you. ?
554
00:28:21,227 --> 00:28:25,777
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