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There she is!
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Eric, it's huge.
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Well, what we don't eat tonight we can keep and eat tomorrow.
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Huh! YOU can eat tomorrow - one night a year eating
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the insides of a sheep's quite enough for me, thank you very much.
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National dish of Scotland, that is.
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You say to anybody in the world, "Name something Scottish,"
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- and they'll say?
- The Proclaimers.
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- No.
- Heart disease. - No!
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- Knife crime, heroin, Greggs...
- No!
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They'll say, "haggis"!
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SYNC by DakinPEX
SUBSCENE
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RADIO PLAYS "MAGGIE MAY" BY ROD STEWART
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- Hi!
- Hi, Beth. Happy Burns Day!
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It's no' Burns DAY, Cathy, it's Burns NIGHT.
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Oh, who gives a fuck?
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So, you been out doing a bit of the old haggis hunting, have you, missus?
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Oh, yes.
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Here, listen, some tourists do actually believe that
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a haggis is a real wee animal. ERIC LAUGHS
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CATHY LAUGHS WEAKLY
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DOORBELL CHIMES
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Sit yourselves down.
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Ah, yes!
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- Christine!
- Hello, Beth.
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- Everything all right?
- The least said the better.
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LAUGHTER
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Oh, hi, Christine.
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- Hullo.
- Sit down.
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So, eh, how you doing, Christine, all right?
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- CHRISTINE SIGHS
- I'm OK, Eric.
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I'm...OK.
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Beth was saying you've been away down seeing Sophie.
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- That's right.
- Oh, big Sophie, how is she?
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She is living in council accommodation with a man who
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comes down the stairs in the morning in his underpants
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and bare feet and watches cartoons with his headphones in.
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- Where is it she's moved to again?
- North Wales.
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Boy, oh, boy, some journey that, eh?
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Oh, you're tellin' me - seven hours I've been on that Stagecoach.
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Oh, my arse was numb - I still cannae feel my right cheek.
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Well, look, let's get you a drink.
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Oh, and how's the baby, Christine, how's wee...baby...?
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- Madison.
- That's it! Madison.
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Col - I told you she was called after our bedroom
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furniture from that brochure.
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She's a wee angel, so she is.
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- ALL:
- Awww...
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She's quite heavy-set round the chin and she's got the reflux as well,
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so, no sooner has she got the bottle doon her than she's spewing it
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- back up on top of you but apart fae that...
- Aw, bless her.
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Honest to God, Eric, she is the only thing that kept me going.
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Well, that and the big bar of Galaxy that
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I got for a pound at the service station.
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OK - who's for a wee dram?
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A wee whisky, well, it would be rude not to on Burns Night.
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I'm not a big fan of whisky.
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- Oh, what would you like then?
- Just a large one with some Diet Coke.
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I cannae really take spirits on an empty stomach, Beth.
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- Would you like a...
- Aye, a wee packet of crisps to go along with it, aye.
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So what's the drill tonight, then, Beth?
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Well, there's haggis, neeps and tatties and shortbread for afters.
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Whit, naebody doing a poem or a song?
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Woo-hoo! Sing-song - Colin is a brilliant singer -
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he knows the words to stuff.
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Aye, but I don't know any Burns songs.
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Yeah, but we won't be doing any of that shit.
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Right, here we are.
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Walkers prawn cocktail, if you've got them, Beth.
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We have got a really, really expensive bottle of whisky
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that we bought at a distillery up near our time-share, haven't we, Col?
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- We have, aye.
- That sounds lovely. How old is it?
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It's about two weeks ago now, that we bought it, Eric?
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OK, shall we have a wee toast?
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Aye, that's a good idea!
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Woo-oo-oo-f!
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THAT is actually not bad.
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DOORBELL CHIMES
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Cheers!
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Happy Burns Night, Mrs Baird!
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- Hiya, Mum!
- Oh, I like that!
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Oh, thank you!! I wanted to wear a kilt but he wouldn't let me.
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Aw, why not?
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Naw, there's no need for a kilt, you're not even Scottish!
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I said I was happy not to wear pants under it.
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- Come in, come in.
- Actually, could I just use your loo?
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If I had worn a kilt I'd be able to walk straight in there and just go for it, wouldn't I?
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IAN LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
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LAUGHTER
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- Hey!
- Hey! It's Ian.
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- Hi, Ian.
- All right, Christine - I thought you were away...
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It's all right, Beth.
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I was, Ian, but let's just say I came back slightly earlier than expected.
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- Right.
- We'll draw a line under it.
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OK.
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Do you know they had me sleeping with a cushion off the couch for a pillow?
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- Hello, hello, hello!
- Hey! - Oh, it's Gordon!
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There he is, gay Gordon.
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Gay Gordon, Colin!
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- Are you going to do us a dance, Gordon?
- Dance! Dance!
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- Deedle, ee, dee, deedle...
- Cathy!
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- Yee-ee-ee-ha!
- CATHY!
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- Hullo, Gordon.
- Hello again, Christine. How are you?
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I've been in Wales.
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You've had your toilet done up, I see, Mrs Baird?
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Yeah, yeah. Well, new wallpaper and a lick of paint.
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What's this, Beth?
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Oh - have you been doing things in your wee toilet
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- and not telling anyone?
- The difference is incredible!
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What is it?
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ERIC: Oh, we redecorated the wee downstairs loo.
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Aw, Beth - I liked your toilet.
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Well, it did need a bit of a freshen up, didn't it, Eric?
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Oh, it did, aye.
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- COLIN:
- I can't think what it was like - I've been in your upstairs
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one, at least I think I have.
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You have, Colin, remember you were sick in it once
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when Beth did the cottage pie with the cheap mince.
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So I was!
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- Ah, let's get a look at it then.
- What?
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- Well, I'm needing SOMETHING to cheer me up.
- I don't think...
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Beth, come on, don't be shy, show us your loo.
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DOOR CREAKS
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Oh, that's lovely, Beth.
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Oh, yes, I like it, Beth.
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I can see myself in here quite happy.
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Cheap toilet roll, Col.
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So, what did you say you'd had done to it?
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Well, new wallpaper, new light shade.
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Painted the pipe chase, it was really...
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It needed painting. Put down a new carpet as well.
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- Oh very nice, very nice, who did it?
- Eric did.
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Ah, you should have said, Eric - I'd have come and given you a hand.
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Colin's brilliant at DIY - he's got two paint brushes
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and I'm going to buy him an axe.
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He did very well, he's done a great job.
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That wallpaper's running off at an angle there.
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- What?
- And your skirting board could do with another coat.
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Same silly wee sink, I see as well.
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OK. Everyone seen everything they want?
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New wallpaper, fresh paint, same silly wee sink,
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oh, but we did get a new toilet roll holder.
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- New toilet roll holder?
- Yes. - How come...
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Eric pulled it off the wall. Right, everyone back through please.
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Lovely...
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So, is this your first time at a Burns Supper then, is it, Gordon?
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- Yeah.
- I think that deserves a kiss.
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You've never been to a Burns Supper, Gordon?
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Nope.
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Aw, you don't know what you're missing.
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Aw, you'll love it - you'll absolutely love it.
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- I'm really enjoying it so far.
- You enjoy yourself, Gordon.
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You deserve to enjoy yourself and to be happy.
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Forever.
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Him too.
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Wait till later, wait 'til it gets going -
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because there's nothing like a Burns Supper in full swing.
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- What happens?
- Everyone gets totally fucked.
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Obviously, though, this is just a stupid wee thing in a house,
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but see some of the properly organised ones that they have...
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- They are unbelievable, Gordon!
- Really?
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We went to this one in Edinburgh Castle, there was bagpipes, there
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was barrel loads of malt whisky, log fires burning, remember it, Cathy?
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- Erm?
- Remember!
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We went back to that hotel with the bath in the middle of the room?
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No.
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Aw, no, right enough - that's when me and Yvonne were together.
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But honestly, Gordon, what a night that was.
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It was absolutely tremendous!
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It's a shame Christine's trip down to see Sophie didn't go so well.
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Aye, who could have predicted that, eh?
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That is a long bus journey too.
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Certainly for the poor bastard sat next to her.
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Eric! Christine's hardly seen that baby since it was born.
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Aye, right enough. OK, we all done?
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- Yep.
- Good.
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RADIO PLAYS "SAY WHAT YOU WANT" BY TEXAS
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It's nice that Ian's brought Gordon, isn't it?
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Give him a wee taste of the old Scottish traditions.
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- CHRISTINE:
- Beth - I've spilt this fucking whisky down the arm of your chair.
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Robert Burns is basically like a national
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hero in Scotland, Gordon, isn't he, Cath?
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Yes.
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Cos as well as being a poet, he's sort of a...a romantic hero.
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- He was a heart-throb in his day, wasn't he?
- Was he?
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Oh, aye, all the experts, all the historians, they all agree,
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he rode just about every lassie he met.
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- I'm sweating like mad with this on.
- Take your jacket off.
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Wish I had worn a kilt now.
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Have you got a kilt yourself, Gordon?
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No.
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- I've got three.
- Have you? - Aye.
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I've got a really, really, short tartan skirt that
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I sometimes wear, Gordon.
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Mine cost a fortune, made to measure,
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none of your off the peg tourist shite.
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- What tartan are they?
- Don't know.
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But see that Burns Supper I was tellin' ye aboot, they were
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all in kilts - see when the dancing started, God,
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Yvonne's eyes were just about popping oot her head!
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- Yes, all right, Colin.
- What?
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- Yvonne, Yvonne, Yvonne, Yvonne...
- I'm only just...
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Yeah, we could all be sitting here banging on about our exes, Colin.
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I mean Ian's not sitting here talking about Jaz, is he?
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"Oh, Jaz this, Jaz that, Jaz was so lovely, he was so lovely..."
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He was so much better-looking than Gordon, he had
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nicer eyes, better teeth, bigger bulge.
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But he's not, is he?
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Ian - do you ever hear fae Jaz?
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I'm only just telling him about the Burns Supper we went to.
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- He just happened to mention her, Cathy.
- Oh...
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- OK, everyone?
- No, we're not!
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Colin is obsessed with his ex-girlfriend.
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- Excuse me?
- Beth - did you ever notice Jaz's willy?
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- What?
- Look, can we just leave Jaz's willy out of this?
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I'm fine with it, my ex was quite well hung as well, Mrs Baird.
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Look, I don't know what's going on in here
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but can we just draw a line under it?
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Well, you wouldn't be saying that if Eric was going on about one of his exes in front of you.
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- What?
- Just saying.
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Beth, was Eric not involved with a woman that
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worked on the railways before he met you?
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Eric, what was the name of that woman that you used to go
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- with before you met Beth?
- Sorry?
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You said she had awful wirey hair, Beth.
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- Do we really have to do this?
- Linda, that was it.
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- You're talking years ago.
- How long, Eric?
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Oh, well, it was certainly before they electrified the line out to Helensburgh.
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I'm sure it was Linda. Was it?
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I don't know - I mean I wasn't really serious with
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anybody before I met Beth, I went out with a few people.
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Did you?
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Well, not loads.
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- COLIN:
- I always said to Cathy,
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I bet when you were younger, you had a nose for it.
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Oh, aye, I can just see him - buying women fish suppers
237
00:11:57,680 --> 00:12:00,640
and then trying to corner them in bus shelters.
238
00:12:00,640 --> 00:12:04,000
Excuse me! I didn't do anything that everybody else wisnae doing.
239
00:12:04,000 --> 00:12:06,960
Look, everybody's got exes, have we not?
240
00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:10,520
What's important is who we're with now, the past is the past
241
00:12:10,520 --> 00:12:13,560
- and today's today.
- Hear, hear.
242
00:12:13,560 --> 00:12:17,480
- BETH:
- Good idea. Cheers, everyone, happy Burns Night.
243
00:12:17,480 --> 00:12:19,800
- Happy Burns Night!
- ALL: - Burns Night.
244
00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:21,640
Burns Night!
245
00:12:25,560 --> 00:12:28,640
Here, Gordon, what's that tartan that you're wearing?
246
00:12:28,640 --> 00:12:31,800
- It's McIntyre.
- Aw, that was Yvonne's surname.
247
00:12:31,800 --> 00:12:33,960
Oh, God!
248
00:12:38,480 --> 00:12:40,720
How long does it say for Gordon's vegetarian one?
249
00:12:40,720 --> 00:12:43,160
It's, eh, 20 minutes.
250
00:12:45,360 --> 00:12:48,640
- You all right, Cathy?
- I'm fine.
251
00:12:48,640 --> 00:12:51,520
All right if I use your lovely new toilet, is it, missus?
252
00:12:51,520 --> 00:12:53,760
Of course, Cathy.
253
00:12:53,760 --> 00:12:57,200
RADIO PLAYS "IN A BIG COUNTRY" BY BIG COUNTRY
254
00:12:58,720 --> 00:13:02,800
- So, are you a haggis man yourself, Ian?
- I'll take a bit.
255
00:13:02,800 --> 00:13:05,360
- Not a massive fan.
- I tell you what,
256
00:13:05,360 --> 00:13:09,280
it's good for the environment cos it's using up all the bits
257
00:13:09,280 --> 00:13:12,440
of an animal that would normally end up going into an incinerator.
258
00:13:12,440 --> 00:13:15,000
Or to feed other animals.
259
00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:17,840
It's the circle of life, Ian.
260
00:13:17,840 --> 00:13:20,040
How did your daughter meet her new partner?
261
00:13:20,040 --> 00:13:23,280
Online, Gordon. Which I am not keen on -
262
00:13:23,280 --> 00:13:25,640
I mean how do you know that somebody is
263
00:13:25,640 --> 00:13:29,720
who they say they are on the internet?
264
00:13:29,720 --> 00:13:33,840
True. He must have been really keen if he drove all the way up from Wales to meet her.
265
00:13:33,840 --> 00:13:36,640
Well, he'd not seen a photo.
266
00:13:36,640 --> 00:13:40,360
But, yes, up he came, took her for a Chinese meal
267
00:13:40,360 --> 00:13:43,840
and within three days, she had her bags packed and her
268
00:13:43,840 --> 00:13:48,320
and wee Madison were halfway down the M6 in the back of a Toyota.
269
00:13:48,320 --> 00:13:50,480
What a shame.
270
00:13:50,480 --> 00:13:55,920
Still, if that's what she wants, who am I to stand in her way?
271
00:13:55,920 --> 00:13:58,400
Yes, there have been some harsh words
272
00:13:58,400 --> 00:14:00,480
but I wish them well,
273
00:14:00,480 --> 00:14:02,600
I really do.
274
00:14:02,600 --> 00:14:06,200
- They can always come up and visit?
- She can, he can get to fuck.
275
00:14:06,200 --> 00:14:08,040
TOILET FLUSHES
276
00:14:10,040 --> 00:14:13,960
Oh, Beth, it really is lovely in there.
277
00:14:13,960 --> 00:14:16,040
Oh, thank you, Cathy.
278
00:14:16,040 --> 00:14:20,520
You should be so proud of what you've done in that toilet, Eric.
279
00:14:20,520 --> 00:14:22,240
Right.
280
00:14:22,240 --> 00:14:25,840
RADIO PLAYS "LITTLE BIRD" BY ANNIE LENNOX
281
00:14:27,880 --> 00:14:30,400
So, potatoes OK, are they, missus?
282
00:14:30,400 --> 00:14:32,680
Yes, fine.
283
00:14:32,680 --> 00:14:34,800
And haggis? Boiling away too?
284
00:14:34,800 --> 00:14:36,240
Uh-huh.
285
00:14:37,480 --> 00:14:41,040
And the, orange veg? The...the...
286
00:14:41,040 --> 00:14:43,240
- Turnip.
- Turnip, yeah, that's OK too?
287
00:14:43,240 --> 00:14:45,480
- Yes, all fine.
- Eric, would you..?
288
00:14:45,480 --> 00:14:47,280
Mm?
289
00:14:47,280 --> 00:14:50,880
Would you leave Beth and I alone with the haggis for a minute, please?
290
00:14:50,880 --> 00:14:53,200
Er, aye, sure.
291
00:14:54,480 --> 00:14:56,680
Why don't you go and put the napkins out?
292
00:14:56,680 --> 00:14:59,840
Put the napkins out, Eric, give people something to spit into.
293
00:15:00,920 --> 00:15:03,240
So, how long you been in Scotland then, Gordon?
294
00:15:03,240 --> 00:15:05,920
- Just under a year.
- You settling in all right, are you?
295
00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:08,360
Yeah, yeah. People have been brilliant
296
00:15:08,360 --> 00:15:10,400
but I still find the accent a bit tricky, sometimes.
297
00:15:10,400 --> 00:15:13,440
Och, yer baws, it is!
298
00:15:13,440 --> 00:15:15,240
She disagrees.
299
00:15:15,240 --> 00:15:18,320
ERIC: Scotland's renowned as being one of the most welcoming
300
00:15:18,320 --> 00:15:21,120
- countries in the world for foreigners to come to.
- That's true, Eric.
301
00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:25,000
- Very few get attacked for no reason.
- I love it here, I really do.
302
00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:27,600
Aw, that's lovely.
303
00:15:27,600 --> 00:15:30,640
So, Ian - you and Jaz definitely finished then?
304
00:15:32,920 --> 00:15:35,440
- Look at this.
- Who's that?
305
00:15:35,440 --> 00:15:38,240
THAT is Yvonne.
306
00:15:38,240 --> 00:15:39,800
Who's Yvonne?
307
00:15:39,800 --> 00:15:43,560
That's Colin's ex - that's the one he's been going on about earlier.
308
00:15:43,560 --> 00:15:47,520
- Oh, Cathy.
- I mean, look at the tits, they're implants.
309
00:15:47,520 --> 00:15:50,800
And the pout there, oh, she's had her lips done an' all.
310
00:15:50,800 --> 00:15:54,280
And the teeth - I mean, they're quite good, actually,
311
00:15:54,280 --> 00:15:57,320
I wonder where she got them done.
312
00:15:57,320 --> 00:16:00,600
Oh, look, oh, look - the holiday shot. Oh, look, there
313
00:16:00,600 --> 00:16:05,240
she is on the balcony, look at me, glass of wine, I'm in the Bahamas.
314
00:16:05,240 --> 00:16:09,040
Are you fuck, love - you're on an all-inclusive cock hunt in Corfu.
315
00:16:09,040 --> 00:16:11,920
Cathy, this is NOT a good idea.
316
00:16:11,920 --> 00:16:15,000
Oh, my God, oh, my God, look at what she's posted!
317
00:16:15,000 --> 00:16:19,960
"Happy Burns Night, everyone, should auld acquaintance be forgot -
318
00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:23,440
"big shout-out to friends old and new".
319
00:16:24,880 --> 00:16:27,120
Well, we know who that's aimed at, don't we?!
320
00:16:31,800 --> 00:16:35,440
- Right, you are going to put an end to this right now.
- What?
321
00:16:35,440 --> 00:16:38,520
You and Yvonne, I don't want you being in contact with her.
322
00:16:38,520 --> 00:16:40,360
I haven't spoken to her in years.
323
00:16:40,360 --> 00:16:42,800
Oh, really? Then how do you explain this?
324
00:16:44,240 --> 00:16:47,160
- Christ, she's not aged at all.
- She's a slut!
325
00:16:47,160 --> 00:16:51,040
- Hey, hey, hey.
- Oh, shut up, Eric, excited about haggis.
326
00:16:51,040 --> 00:16:54,440
Look, I just mentioned Yvonne because I was telling Gordon about the Burns Supper.
327
00:16:54,440 --> 00:16:55,560
Right, OK, well,
328
00:16:55,560 --> 00:16:58,280
I want you to tell her that she is never to contact you ever again.
329
00:16:58,280 --> 00:17:00,680
- Eh?
- Am I being unreasonable, Beth?
330
00:17:00,680 --> 00:17:02,080
- Well...
- Thank you.
331
00:17:02,080 --> 00:17:04,360
You tell her that all lines of communication between her
332
00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:08,000
and you are now officially closed.
333
00:17:08,000 --> 00:17:10,280
OK, OK, OK.
334
00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:13,920
- How am I meant to do that?
- Send her a message on Facebook.
335
00:17:13,920 --> 00:17:16,560
No, don't, don't! No more secret messages.
336
00:17:16,560 --> 00:17:18,720
- Phone her!
- I've not got her number.
337
00:17:18,720 --> 00:17:22,000
- Well, then, get her to phone you!
- What?! - Oh, shush!
338
00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:26,520
OK, send her a message on Facebook, give her your number,
339
00:17:26,520 --> 00:17:29,040
tell her to phone you and when she does,
340
00:17:29,040 --> 00:17:31,280
tell her that she's never to contact you ever again. OK?
341
00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:34,480
OK.
342
00:17:35,480 --> 00:17:37,160
NOW!
343
00:17:39,360 --> 00:17:41,960
- This happens a lot, Gordon.
- Does it?
344
00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:44,360
Aye, she goes fucking cuckoo with the drink.
345
00:17:48,360 --> 00:17:50,840
Well, anyway...
346
00:17:50,840 --> 00:17:53,640
Is it not about time we had a poem or a song or something?
347
00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:55,040
- Oh, I've got one.
- What is it?
348
00:17:55,040 --> 00:17:57,000
It's one about wild oats.
349
00:17:57,000 --> 00:18:00,320
- No, no, no, we'll not have that.
- I could do Tam o' Shanter.
350
00:18:00,320 --> 00:18:02,320
Oh, Eric, that goes on forever.
351
00:18:02,320 --> 00:18:05,920
Did you know Sophie won a prize at the school for doing a Burns poem.
352
00:18:05,920 --> 00:18:08,160
GORDON: Did she, Christine?
353
00:18:08,160 --> 00:18:10,920
Or was that for her project about the Egyptians?
354
00:18:10,920 --> 00:18:16,480
Eric, was Robert Burns by any chance part-Egyptian?
355
00:18:16,480 --> 00:18:20,520
- No.
- No. I didn't think so.
356
00:18:22,000 --> 00:18:25,520
GORDON: I could do a song. It's not Robert Burns, though.
357
00:18:25,520 --> 00:18:27,360
But it is Scottish.
358
00:18:27,360 --> 00:18:30,760
- Go on, Gordon, you sing!
- WHISPERS: - Is he shit, Ian?
359
00:18:30,760 --> 00:18:32,800
Is it Danny Boy?
360
00:18:32,800 --> 00:18:36,760
Oh, remember Eric sung that at your father's funeral, Beth?
361
00:18:36,760 --> 00:18:39,360
That was a terrific night.
362
00:18:39,360 --> 00:18:41,240
OK, OK, OK.
363
00:18:41,240 --> 00:18:43,560
Shhh...
364
00:18:43,560 --> 00:18:46,560
HE HUMS INTRO FAINTLY
365
00:18:47,680 --> 00:18:51,280
When I wake up, well, I know I'm gonna be
366
00:18:51,280 --> 00:18:54,120
I'm gonna be the man who wakes up next to you
367
00:18:55,360 --> 00:18:58,520
When I go out, yeah, I know I'm gonna be
368
00:18:58,520 --> 00:19:01,760
I'm gonna be the man who goes along with you
369
00:19:02,880 --> 00:19:06,720
- If I get drunk...
- Yes! - Well, I know I'm gonna be
370
00:19:06,720 --> 00:19:10,560
I'm gonna be the man who gets drunk next to you
371
00:19:10,560 --> 00:19:13,480
? And if I...haver... ? THEY LAUGH
372
00:19:13,480 --> 00:19:18,040
Yeah, I know I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be the man who's havering to you
373
00:19:18,040 --> 00:19:22,920
ALL: But I would walk 500 miles
374
00:19:22,920 --> 00:19:26,840
And I would walk 500 more
375
00:19:26,840 --> 00:19:31,720
Just to be the man who walks a thousand miles
376
00:19:31,720 --> 00:19:34,560
To fall down at your door
377
00:19:34,560 --> 00:19:36,720
Da, da, da, da Da, da, da, da
378
00:19:36,720 --> 00:19:38,680
- Da, da, da, da
- Da, da, da, da
379
00:19:38,680 --> 00:19:42,080
Da, da, da, dun, diddle, un, diddle, un, diddle, uh, da, da
380
00:19:42,080 --> 00:19:44,360
- Da, da, da, da
- Da, da, da, da
381
00:19:44,360 --> 00:19:46,560
- Da, da, da, da
- Da, da, da, da
382
00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:49,720
? Da, da, da, dun, diddle, un, diddle, un, diddle, uh, da, da. ?
383
00:19:49,720 --> 00:19:52,440
- THEY CHEER
- Gordon!
384
00:19:52,440 --> 00:19:56,880
Oh, do you remember the two of them with the specs, eh?
385
00:19:56,880 --> 00:19:58,960
I mean what's the matter with them?
386
00:19:58,960 --> 00:20:02,480
All that money and they cannae afford contact lenses!
387
00:20:02,480 --> 00:20:05,480
They're famous all over the world, Craig and Charlie.
388
00:20:05,480 --> 00:20:08,360
- Craig and Charlie who?
- The Proclaimers.
389
00:20:08,360 --> 00:20:10,840
- Oh, aye.
- Same as Robert Burns.
390
00:20:10,840 --> 00:20:14,120
In fact, this is what Burns Night's all about, isn't it?
391
00:20:14,120 --> 00:20:17,280
Celebrating Scotland's contribution to the world, isn't that right, Eric?
392
00:20:17,280 --> 00:20:18,520
Aye, that's right.
393
00:20:18,520 --> 00:20:21,480
Just think about it - see, at this very moment,
394
00:20:21,480 --> 00:20:25,160
there'll be Scottish people in every town
395
00:20:25,160 --> 00:20:27,360
and every country
396
00:20:27,360 --> 00:20:29,680
and every corner of the globe -
397
00:20:29,680 --> 00:20:32,120
getting fucking hammered.
398
00:20:37,320 --> 00:20:40,320
- BETH:
- OK, folks, nearly time for the haggis. Eric...
399
00:20:40,320 --> 00:20:42,560
Ooh, right. THEY CHEER
400
00:20:42,560 --> 00:20:44,280
Up to the table!
401
00:20:44,280 --> 00:20:46,880
Ooh, thanks, Gordon, son.
402
00:20:48,440 --> 00:20:50,960
Oh, you're a nice boy.
403
00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:52,760
He's good fun, isn't he, Ian?
404
00:20:52,760 --> 00:20:55,480
- Aye, aye, he is.
- Aw, thanks.
405
00:20:55,480 --> 00:20:57,800
I tell you what, Jaz would never have got up
406
00:20:57,800 --> 00:20:59,840
and made a fool of himself like that.
407
00:21:01,360 --> 00:21:05,160
Beth - no haggis for me. And...no potatoes.
408
00:21:05,160 --> 00:21:08,760
And, em, no, em... Argh! Turnip!
409
00:21:09,920 --> 00:21:12,960
- So, nothing at all?
- No, I'm having another whisky.
410
00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:16,160
God, we're going to have loads.
411
00:21:16,160 --> 00:21:18,480
Everybody else'll take a good helping.
412
00:21:18,480 --> 00:21:22,520
Eh, Dad, just potato and turnip for me, I don't really fancy any haggis.
413
00:21:22,520 --> 00:21:26,440
RADIO PLAYS "A GIRL LIKE YOU" BY EDWYN COLLINS
414
00:21:29,600 --> 00:21:32,600
- You're a vegetarian are you, Gordon?
- Yeah.
415
00:21:32,600 --> 00:21:36,160
Cos you feel sorry for animals or do you just like the attention?
416
00:21:36,160 --> 00:21:38,680
Oh, there's the mashed tatties there.
417
00:21:38,680 --> 00:21:42,400
Eh, Christine, get a bit of the old mashed tattie aboard ye, eh?
418
00:21:42,400 --> 00:21:45,720
Tatties means potatoes, Gordon,
419
00:21:45,720 --> 00:21:50,040
and mashed is...all mashed up.
420
00:21:50,040 --> 00:21:53,040
- Dad, did you get Gordon his veggie one?
- Yep, just coming.
421
00:21:53,040 --> 00:21:56,040
I dread to think what's in that, eh?
422
00:21:56,040 --> 00:21:58,840
- It cannae be any worse than a real one.
- What is it that's in haggis?
423
00:21:58,840 --> 00:22:02,640
- Everything.
- It's all the livers and kidneys and stuff, is it not?
424
00:22:02,640 --> 00:22:06,720
No, I'll tell you what's in it - in a proper one you've heart, lung,
425
00:22:06,720 --> 00:22:09,760
and liver all minced up with onion and oatmeal
426
00:22:09,760 --> 00:22:12,840
but you've got to soak the oatmeal in blood.
427
00:22:12,840 --> 00:22:16,240
And then it gets stuffed inside the lining of a sheep's stomach
428
00:22:16,240 --> 00:22:17,960
and boiled.
429
00:22:19,200 --> 00:22:23,000
- Right.
- You'll no' try even a wee bit, Gordon, no?
430
00:22:24,600 --> 00:22:26,320
OK, turnip.
431
00:22:26,320 --> 00:22:28,040
- ALL:
- Woo! - Right, are we all ready?
432
00:22:29,200 --> 00:22:31,560
- ALL:
- Yes!! - Hang on, hang on.
433
00:22:31,560 --> 00:22:34,760
- Everybody got everything they need?
- Aye, oh, aye. - Yes, indeed.
434
00:22:34,760 --> 00:22:38,520
- OK, ready now, Eric.
- Here she comes!
435
00:22:38,520 --> 00:22:40,320
Oh, here she comes!
436
00:22:40,320 --> 00:22:42,920
Haggis! Haggis! Haggis!
437
00:22:42,920 --> 00:22:45,920
THEY CHEER
438
00:22:47,320 --> 00:22:50,600
- Take a look at that!
- It's massive.
439
00:22:50,600 --> 00:22:54,120
- Oh, there's its wee baby beside it.
- That's the veggie one.
440
00:22:54,120 --> 00:22:58,960
Oh, that is tremendous, a real traditional Scottish haggis.
441
00:22:58,960 --> 00:23:02,000
- Where d'you get it, Beth?
- Aldi's.
442
00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:05,000
Right, come on, Eric, get it dished out, I'm starving.
443
00:23:05,000 --> 00:23:06,240
Hang about, hang about.
444
00:23:06,240 --> 00:23:08,520
You've got to do the Address to the Haggis first.
445
00:23:08,520 --> 00:23:11,320
- Oh, no, not the whole thing, Eric.
- Yeah, yeah, I know, I know.
446
00:23:11,320 --> 00:23:13,800
This is the bit where we talk to the haggis prior to
447
00:23:13,800 --> 00:23:15,360
stabbing it with a knife, Gordon.
448
00:23:15,360 --> 00:23:17,240
ERIC CLEARS THROAT
449
00:23:17,240 --> 00:23:23,720
Fair fa', your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain o' the puddin'-race.
450
00:23:23,720 --> 00:23:26,160
- What's he saying?
- Just skip to the middle. - What?
451
00:23:26,160 --> 00:23:29,880
- We don't need to hear the whole thing.
- We're ready for our dinner, Eric!
452
00:23:29,880 --> 00:23:31,720
Awright, awright.
453
00:23:31,720 --> 00:23:37,720
His knife see rustic Labour dight, An' cut you up wi' ready slight...
454
00:23:37,720 --> 00:23:41,720
- Ho-ho!
- Look at that, eh, Gordon!
455
00:23:41,720 --> 00:23:43,800
That is so gross.
456
00:23:43,800 --> 00:23:47,560
Trenchin' your gushing entrails bright, Like ony ditch;
457
00:23:47,560 --> 00:23:51,760
And then, O what a glorious sight,
458
00:23:51,760 --> 00:23:54,520
Warm-reekin', rich!
459
00:23:54,520 --> 00:23:57,320
Right, right, OK that'll do us. Come on, plate it up.
460
00:23:57,320 --> 00:23:59,080
Here we are, there we are, Eric.
461
00:24:06,440 --> 00:24:08,360
Cheers Gordon, thanks, son.
462
00:24:08,360 --> 00:24:11,360
PHONE RINGS
463
00:24:11,360 --> 00:24:15,440
- Who is it? Is it her?
- Aye. Will I call her back?
464
00:24:15,440 --> 00:24:18,040
- No, speak to her now.
- We're just getting our dinner.
465
00:24:18,040 --> 00:24:19,960
Answer it.
466
00:24:19,960 --> 00:24:23,440
Ian, pass us over the potatoes over, will ye?
467
00:24:23,440 --> 00:24:25,680
A bit o' gravy as well...
468
00:24:25,680 --> 00:24:27,640
Hello?
469
00:24:29,440 --> 00:24:34,040
Hi, hi, Yvonne. How you doing? Aye, long time no speak.
470
00:24:34,040 --> 00:24:36,520
How's things? Oh, are you?
471
00:24:36,520 --> 00:24:39,120
Oh, that's smashing,
472
00:24:39,120 --> 00:24:43,840
No, I remember you saying that you'd always wanted them done.
473
00:24:45,200 --> 00:24:49,360
Look, hen, what it is, Yvonne, I mean I was really just dropping you
474
00:24:49,360 --> 00:24:52,600
a line to say, em...
475
00:24:52,600 --> 00:24:55,840
Don't ever contact me again.
476
00:24:59,000 --> 00:25:02,760
DON'T EVER CONTACT ME AGAIN.
477
00:25:02,760 --> 00:25:06,640
You... You are a...
478
00:25:06,640 --> 00:25:08,920
You are a fake-titted slut.
479
00:25:10,040 --> 00:25:12,880
OK? Right, bye, now. Bye, bye.
480
00:25:12,880 --> 00:25:15,840
PHONE BEEPS OFF
481
00:25:20,320 --> 00:25:22,480
Actually, Beth, I will have something to eat.
482
00:25:22,480 --> 00:25:25,720
I'll just have some potato, though, none of the other shit.
483
00:25:33,800 --> 00:25:37,520
Not bad, Eric, not bad at all.
484
00:25:40,120 --> 00:25:43,160
GORDON: So, em, will your daughter be having a Burns Supper tonight?
485
00:25:43,160 --> 00:25:45,960
I don't know.
486
00:25:45,960 --> 00:25:48,800
- I don't know and I don't care.
- Oh, Christine.
487
00:25:48,800 --> 00:25:50,560
GORDON: It's a shame to think of her missing out.
488
00:25:50,560 --> 00:25:53,040
ERIC: Do you not think you should give her a wee phone, Christine?
489
00:25:53,040 --> 00:25:54,840
just sort all this out?
490
00:25:54,840 --> 00:25:56,440
- I certainly will not.
- GORDON: Or a text?
491
00:25:57,760 --> 00:26:01,800
- Just something tae let her know you're thinking about her.
- Aye, a wee peace offering.
492
00:26:01,800 --> 00:26:04,760
GORDON: If she's in Wales, she might not be able to get haggis there.
493
00:26:04,760 --> 00:26:10,400
- You could send her some.
- Eh? - That's a good idea, you could send Sophie some of this haggis.
494
00:26:11,600 --> 00:26:14,920
- Does she like haggis?
- Oh, yes.
495
00:26:14,920 --> 00:26:17,360
She enjoys all meat-based products, Beth.
496
00:26:17,360 --> 00:26:19,480
- COLIN:
- Well, why don't you send her a bit?
497
00:26:19,480 --> 00:26:23,800
I mean, think about it. Haggis gets exported all over the world. I mean, surely,
498
00:26:23,800 --> 00:26:27,400
we could manage to get a wee bit of this to North Wales, eh, Beth?
499
00:26:27,400 --> 00:26:29,720
- BETH:
- Well, it's a lovely thought.
500
00:26:29,720 --> 00:26:32,200
Beth, there's loads of it - none of us want it.
501
00:26:32,200 --> 00:26:34,040
There's plenty I can give her here.
502
00:26:34,040 --> 00:26:36,120
She can have some of mine.
503
00:26:40,280 --> 00:26:45,000
Right. Great.
504
00:26:45,000 --> 00:26:46,200
Right.
505
00:26:46,200 --> 00:26:47,880
Fire it in.
506
00:26:49,280 --> 00:26:51,880
- Put a wee bit of turnip in as well.
- Mm-hm.
507
00:26:51,880 --> 00:26:57,840
Aye, a bit of potato - Ian, some of your mash to send to Sophie.
508
00:26:57,840 --> 00:27:01,280
There you go.
509
00:27:01,280 --> 00:27:03,560
That's it - right, zip it up, Cath.
510
00:27:03,560 --> 00:27:08,320
Oh, listen, she'll be slaverin' when she opens the jiffy bag and sees this.
511
00:27:12,760 --> 00:27:15,560
That's lovely.
512
00:27:15,560 --> 00:27:19,200
I'm getting quite emotional seeing it all in the bag there.
513
00:27:29,040 --> 00:27:32,280
Do you know, this tastes a bit funny.
514
00:27:33,520 --> 00:27:36,160
- What d'you mean?
- Well it's sort of crumbly.
515
00:27:36,160 --> 00:27:38,280
A wee bit dry. Yours?
516
00:27:40,720 --> 00:27:42,040
Fine.
517
00:27:42,040 --> 00:27:44,240
Naw, it's definitely...
518
00:27:44,240 --> 00:27:47,880
- BETH:
- Gordon. - Mmm?
519
00:27:47,880 --> 00:27:51,160
I think you might have the wrong plate there.
520
00:27:52,320 --> 00:27:55,440
Oh, it's all right, Gordon, it's only a wee bit of,
521
00:27:55,440 --> 00:27:58,200
- what did you say was in it again?
- Sheep's guts.
522
00:28:03,920 --> 00:28:06,880
DOOR SLAMS, GORDON RETCHES
523
00:28:12,080 --> 00:28:14,240
Your lovely new toilet, Beth.
524
00:28:17,320 --> 00:28:21,040
MUSIC: I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles) by The Proclaimers
525
00:28:21,090 --> 00:28:25,640
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