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This programme contains some strong language
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- ON TV:
- 'Springwatch starts on Sunday, 23rd May on BBC Two.'
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Aw, for..
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Hello?
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- 'Hi, it's me.'
- Oh, hello, me(!)
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Listen, what about a short-sleeved shirt?
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- What about it?
- For your birthday!
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How? Can you not afford one with long sleeves?
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Eric, you need a short-sleeved shirt.
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'Look, Beth, I told you - you don't have to bother.'
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I don't want anything.
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- Oh, they've got some nice linen ones.
- I've got a linen shirt!
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- What? That stripy one?
- 'Uh-huh.' - No, that is horrendous!
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- What's wrong with it?
- You look like Jocky Wilson on safari!
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Listen, I told you!
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- I don't want anything!
- Or a fleece!
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- I don't...
- 'Oh, or a body warmer?'
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They've got reversible body warmers!
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- And what am I going to do with one of them?!
- Um, turn it inside out?
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'Honestly, Beth, you don't need to worry. It's fine.'
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The best present you can get me is
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a bit of bloody peace and quiet - that'll do me!
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I don't know why I bother, honestly! See you later.
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Aye, see you later. No hurry. Take your time.
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Ah...
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- ON TV:
- '..Eggheads in 45 minutes.'
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Oh, dear God!
- 'But before that,
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'another game of Pointless Celebrities.'
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We've come to talk to you about the role of religion in your life.
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Ha-ha!
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It's funny you should say that.
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I was just saying a wee prayer to myself on the way to the door.
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Ha-ha!
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(Unfortunately, it wisnae answered.)
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Aw, are we interrupting you having your dinner?
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- Well...
- What are you having?
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- Aw, just a shepherd's pie thing.
- Aw, gads!
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- I've no' long just had mine, in't that right, Cath?
- Aye.
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- Cooked him a steak.
- She did.
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- Ribeye!
- It was beautiful!
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Wee pool of blood round it.
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I says to Catherine, she put it down,
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"A good vet could get that back on its feet."
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- Where's Beth?
- Er, she's at the shops.
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Aw, late-night shopping!
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Why did she not say? I could've gone with her!
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- Eric...
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- What's this?
- Now, I know it's not till tomorrow, but that's from us.
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- Happy birthday, Eric!
- Oh.
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- Oh?
- Oh, sorry. - Ha-ha!
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Och, you didn't need to, honestly!
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We wanted to!
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Well, SHE did. I'd forgotten all about it.
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I always remember your birthday, Eric.
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It's exactly nine days before the date we had the Alsatians put down.
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Now, I know we usually get together on your birthday,
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but this year, unfortunately, we can't.
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Aw, that's a shame!
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- We're away sailing tomorrow, aren't we, Col?
- Sailing!
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That's right.
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In a boat.
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On the sea!
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On a boat. On the sea.
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Oh, right, aye.
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Well, it's very kind, but you shouldn't have bothered, honestly.
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- Do you no want to see what it is?!
- I kind of know what it is.
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But do you now?
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Could be anything in there!
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- Let's have a look.
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- What is it?
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What's in the bag? Here, let me look.
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Oh...
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A beautiful bottle of wine.
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Now, you'll enjoy that.
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It's...it's kind of fruity, but it's no' too fruity.
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It's smoky, but no' too smoky and it's woody, but...
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Well, anyway, a glass of that, along with a tin of macaroni,
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it's beautiful.
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- Actually, I'm not drinking at the moment.
- You...?
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- Say again?
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- I'm off the drink.
- You're not drinking? - No.
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- You're not drinking ANYTHING?
- No. - Not even a beer in the morning?
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There's more calories in booze than there is in food.
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You're not drinking ANYTHING?
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My doctor said to try it.
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I've lost three pounds already.
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Really?!
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And here's us bringing you a bottle of wine! Dear me!
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Well, never mind. I mean, you can keep it for a special occasion,
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- like a...like a celebration, can't he, Cath?
- Aye.
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Like when he starts drinking again.
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Here, you get it, Eric. We'll sit down.
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- Hiya, Dad.
- Oh, it's you!
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- Hello, Mr Baird!
- Aye.
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- We just came to drop this off.
- Oh, right.
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Oh, look who it is!
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Hiya, Ian! Mwah! Hiya, Jaz! Mwah!
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- Jaz, have you had your teeth whitened?
- Er...
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Come on! Come on through!
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- Choo-choo!
- I...
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Aw, Jaz, you're so cuddly! Look at the two of you!
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Two cuddly little gay things!
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- We're not interrupting your dinner, are we?
- No, no, you're all right.
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Her mince is awfy salty.
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Do you two want something to drink?
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- You got a beer?
- No. I've no got any beers.
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- Aw, of course - you're off it.
- Are you not drinking, Mr Baird?
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- Not at the moment.
- You've got wine, Eric!
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- Wanting a wee glass of wine, Ian?
- Aye, I'll take a glass of wine.
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- Jaz?
- No, I'm driving. - Are you sure? I've got some peppermints in my bag.
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How many days has it been now, Mr Baird?
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I've got an uncle that's in AA. He's doing really well.
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He's not wet the bed in three years.
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- Er, no, I'm just doing it to lose a bit of weight.
- Course you are.
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Go and get a bottle opener, Eric.
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My liver thinks my throat's been cut.
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Thanks, driver. As I say, a sad, sad day, but a lovely buffet.
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In fact, if you'll take a tip from me,
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you'll get yersel back down there.
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There's going to be a lot of folk wanting taxis.
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Maybe put some plastic doon in the back.
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Single malts on top of a lot of pan bread, know what I mean?
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- Right, Mum, come on.
- Right you are, driver!
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Right you are.
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In life and death, O Lord
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? Abide with me. ?
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What a lovely day!
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That service was heartbreaking!
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Did you see her on my left roaring and greeting into the hanky?
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She seemed to settle quite quick
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- when they pulled the foil aff that buffet, eh?
- Aw, come on!
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I'm getting gooseberries aff of that
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and sort of vanilla tones, are you, Cath?
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- Ah! Oh, yeah.
- What about you, Ian? - It's all right, yeah, quite nice.
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Eric, how's yours?
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- Fizzy!
- Did you I tell you - I gave up the drink once?
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- Did you?
- Aye. I felt great. - What made you start again?
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I met Cathy.
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- Ha-ha-ha!
- Ha-ha(!)
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I always said that she had money. Apparently, that nephew of hers
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- was round her like a sandfly.
- Mum, please! - Heartless bastard!
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And I will tell him that to his face when I'm down there tomorrow
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picking up that gravy boat the sister promised me.
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What time is it?
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It's still early!
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- Why don't we go and say a quick hello to Beth?
- Aw, no!
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Oh, she'll be desperate to see
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that selfie you took of me with the hearse. Come on!
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Are you sure you're not wanting a wee dribble, Jaz, yeah?
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No, I can't. Honestly, I'm driving.
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- Aw, get a taxi!
- Och, leave him, Cath!
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He can get a bit of Eric's Fanta. I tell you - they're like hawks,
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- these police, when it comes to drink-driving.
- Oh, they are.
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I got stopped and breathalysed last year,
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on the way back from the airport!
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- Remember, when we'd been in Florida?
- I remember. - Luckily,
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I'd been refused alcohol on the plane, so I was just under. Phew!
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Oh!
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- Hello, Eric.
- Christ, is it Halloween? Ha-ha!
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We've been to a funeral, Eric.
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- Oh, I'm sorry.
- It's all right.
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- It was a very emotional day, wasn't it, Sophie?
- Yup.
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- Still, it was her time.
- Was it someone very close?
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Aye, it was a cousin of my mother's.
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The pair of them were like that, so they were!
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So, I says to Sophie, "This is not going to be easy,
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"but you and me are going to get down there to represent the family
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"and pay our respects to Irene."
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Isobel!
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Isobel. Is Beth in, no?
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- Er, no. No, she's out.
- It's all right, I'll just let myself in.
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Oh, you've got a houseful. If I'd have known that...
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Well, I'd probably still have come across. Ha-ha!
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Hello, everybody.
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- Have you been to a funeral, Christine?
- Yes, I have indeed.
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Aw, has someone died?
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No, we bury folk alive here in Scotland, don't you know(?)
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Whose was it?
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- SOPHIE:
- Och, some woman my gran knew. It was a nightmare!
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I've been there since 10 o'clock this morning!
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A sad day, Cathy. Sophie, where's that order of service
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till I talk Cathy through it? Full Latin mass, Cathy.
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My arse was fucking numb!
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Cath, a wee top-up?
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- Eric?
- Er, no, no, I'm fine with the orange.
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Aw, what's the matter with you?
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- He's on the wagon.
- Why are you on the wagon, Eric?
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I just decided to lay off it for a while.
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My uncle was always trying to stop, but he couldn't control it.
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Aw, well. If it's making you fat,
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and making you spit when you talk, why not?
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I've said for years that you've had a problem.
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- I don't have a problem!
- Honestly, that's exactly what he used to say.
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- Oh!
- How come you're having to stop, then?
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I'm just taking a break from it!
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- Oh? How long are you taking a break from it for?
- I don't know!
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- You'll have one tomorrow, though?
- Probably a wee one.
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That's no' much of a break, that!
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Well, that's the end of that!
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- Open another one.
- Aye! You get anything else, Eric?
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- ERIC SIGHS
- Oh, here, Eric!
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Take that out the road, will you? It's giving me the boak!
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Here, I didnae know there was food on the go.
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Mind you, we had quite a bit of that buffet. Ha-ha!
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I'll maybe take some crisps or something, Eric?
206
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What about you, Sophie? You want a roll?
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- No, thanks.
- No, she's fine.
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But I'll take one, with cheese.
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Uh-huh.
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No, ham.
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No, cheese AND ham!
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Oh? I see someone's enjoying themselves.
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Aye! Well, it's no' me!
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- I thought you were having a quiet night?
- I was!
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- CHRISTINE:
- Where's my roll? - COLIN:
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Quiche, baby chicken satay on skewers,
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sausage rolls, all to the left.
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Then your sub rolls with tuna mayonnaise, roast beef
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and horseradish, egg and onion, all to the right, wasn't it, Sophie?
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I'm just going to go to the toilet.
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She's taking it awfy sore.
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- She's hardly said a word all day, poor thing!
- Aw!
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- Were they quite close?
- Who?
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- Hi, Sophie!
- Hi, Mrs Baird. Is it OK if I use your toilet?
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- Of course, on you go.
- How great thou art!
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? How great thou art! ?
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- Aw! There she is!
- Hiya, Beth!
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Beth, you'll never guess who got planted the day!
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Oh, Beth, show us what you got!
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Hey, you, ya bandit, wind your neck in!
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- I
- was talking to her!
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I'll give you a clue - it's not Pat fie across the back.
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She's still with us. Mind you, going by the looks of her,
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I think I'd better keep this frock to the front of my wardrobe.
235
00:11:32,440 --> 00:11:35,760
- So who was it?
- Isobel!
236
00:11:35,760 --> 00:11:38,800
- Who's Isobel?
- A cousin of my mother's!
237
00:11:38,800 --> 00:11:40,480
Well, when I say cousin...
238
00:11:40,480 --> 00:11:44,000
not really her cousin, more sort of bingo buddies.
239
00:11:47,720 --> 00:11:51,160
So, I said to Sophie, "This is our chance to say our goodbyes
240
00:11:51,160 --> 00:11:54,040
"and to give Irene the respect that she deserves."
241
00:11:54,040 --> 00:11:56,520
- Isobel!
- Isobel, that's right.
242
00:11:56,520 --> 00:12:00,440
- Colin?
- Oh, hang on, let me finish the decent stuff first.
243
00:12:00,440 --> 00:12:02,200
Mmm!
244
00:12:02,200 --> 00:12:03,320
Right, fire it in.
245
00:12:05,960 --> 00:12:07,160
Ooft!
246
00:12:07,160 --> 00:12:10,440
Reminds me, I'll need to be getting diesel for the lawnmower. Ha-ha!
247
00:12:12,640 --> 00:12:14,440
Oh, wow!
248
00:12:14,440 --> 00:12:18,200
- Wow-ee!
- Och, it's just a wee thing.
249
00:12:18,200 --> 00:12:21,640
I had no idea what to get you! You're a nightmare to buy for!
250
00:12:21,640 --> 00:12:24,680
I'm a grown man, I'm no' needing bloody birthday presents!
251
00:12:24,680 --> 00:12:29,120
- An electronic photo frame!
- Oh, what's this for?
252
00:12:29,120 --> 00:12:31,800
- It's Eric's birthday.
- When? Today?
253
00:12:31,800 --> 00:12:35,000
- Tomorrow.
- Aw, happy birthday for tomorrow!
254
00:12:35,000 --> 00:12:37,040
Aw, let's have a wee look.
255
00:12:37,040 --> 00:12:40,120
- We were looking at them, weren't we, Cath?
- Were we? - Aye!
256
00:12:40,120 --> 00:12:42,000
It was the dearer ones, though.
257
00:12:42,000 --> 00:12:44,600
- What is it?
- It's a digital picture frame.
258
00:12:44,600 --> 00:12:47,480
You transfer all the pictures from your phone to it.
259
00:12:47,480 --> 00:12:50,440
- And then what do you do?
- Well, you...you look at them.
260
00:12:50,440 --> 00:12:54,080
So, say I've got a phone, but I don't have any pictures on it?
261
00:12:54,080 --> 00:12:56,520
Well, you wouldn't be able to dae it.
262
00:12:56,520 --> 00:13:00,240
- Aye, I don't want one, then.
- What have you two got him?
263
00:13:00,240 --> 00:13:02,800
Come on, don't be shy!
264
00:13:02,800 --> 00:13:06,000
I saw you giving it to your dad earlier. Come on!
265
00:13:06,000 --> 00:13:08,320
- Aw, that's just...
- There it is!
266
00:13:08,320 --> 00:13:09,840
Ooh!
267
00:13:09,840 --> 00:13:11,960
Aw, you might have wrapped it!
268
00:13:11,960 --> 00:13:15,040
An electric blanket?! That's the last thing he's needing,
269
00:13:15,040 --> 00:13:18,200
isn't it, Beth? You said he sweats like a pig as it is!
270
00:13:18,200 --> 00:13:19,720
It's theirs. They lent it to us.
271
00:13:19,720 --> 00:13:22,880
- Ah!
- The radiator in our bedroom was knackered, so we borrowed it.
272
00:13:22,880 --> 00:13:25,720
- We actually forgot it was your birthday.
- Aw, don't worry about it.
273
00:13:25,720 --> 00:13:29,880
- Ian, that's terrible.
- He was always an awfy selfish wee boy, that one.
274
00:13:29,880 --> 00:13:33,640
I gave him vouchers 14 years ago for his Christmas
275
00:13:33,640 --> 00:13:36,000
and I'm still waiting on a thank you card.
276
00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:38,240
There's still time! I could nip along to the garage?
277
00:13:38,240 --> 00:13:40,040
No, no, you don't need to go to the garage.
278
00:13:40,040 --> 00:13:43,680
Make him go to the garage, Eric! Go to the garage, Jaz!
279
00:13:43,680 --> 00:13:45,200
Pick me up 20 Silk Cut silver
280
00:13:45,200 --> 00:13:47,200
and he could get a bottle of that wine, Col.
281
00:13:47,200 --> 00:13:49,720
- You'll not get that in the garage.
- Where'd you get it?
282
00:13:49,720 --> 00:13:52,360
- It's Tesco Finest.
- Don't bother, Jaz.
283
00:13:52,360 --> 00:13:55,560
- No, don't bother, just stay where you are.
- Oh, boo!
284
00:13:55,560 --> 00:13:59,040
It's fine! You can come round tomorrow. We're not doing anything.
285
00:13:59,040 --> 00:14:01,720
Cath, Colin? You'll be round tomorrow, will you not?
286
00:14:01,720 --> 00:14:04,160
- We can't tomorrow, Beth.
- Er, we're away sailing.
287
00:14:04,160 --> 00:14:07,560
- Sailing?
- Yup. - On a boat.
288
00:14:07,560 --> 00:14:09,240
On a boat, on the sea.
289
00:14:09,240 --> 00:14:11,520
Here, Jaz, if you are going to the garage,
290
00:14:11,520 --> 00:14:13,680
will you bring me a packet of Rennies?
291
00:14:13,680 --> 00:14:15,760
That quiche is coming back on me.
292
00:14:17,560 --> 00:14:19,360
Big lumps of Stilton!
293
00:14:19,360 --> 00:14:22,560
- Oh, I'm getting onion as well.
294
00:14:22,560 --> 00:14:25,200
- You OK, Soph?
- CATH: - Come and sit down!
295
00:14:25,200 --> 00:14:27,680
Oh, you poor thing!
296
00:14:27,680 --> 00:14:30,720
It's all right. She's all right, Christine!
297
00:14:30,720 --> 00:14:33,760
Aw! I know how you're feeling, hmm?
298
00:14:33,760 --> 00:14:36,440
Every dog we've ever had ended up getting put down
299
00:14:36,440 --> 00:14:39,160
and it never gets any easier!
300
00:14:39,160 --> 00:14:41,280
- I really am sorry, Dad.
- It's fine!
301
00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:43,480
Here, Jaz, there's �1.20.
302
00:14:43,480 --> 00:14:46,320
Jaz, I'll gie you the money when you get back, yeah?
303
00:14:46,320 --> 00:14:48,080
- Mrs Baird?
- Hang on, Sophie, love.
304
00:14:48,080 --> 00:14:50,720
Beth, give that to Jaz. I don't want to break a fiver.
305
00:14:50,720 --> 00:14:53,760
He's not going to the garage, Christine!
306
00:14:59,320 --> 00:15:01,560
Why don't we see if we can get a photo on this?
307
00:15:01,560 --> 00:15:03,480
Mrs Baird, can I talk to you for just a minute?
308
00:15:03,480 --> 00:15:04,840
Hang on a minute, Sophie, love.
309
00:15:04,840 --> 00:15:08,880
Ian, let's get a photo of all of us and see if you can get it onto this.
310
00:15:08,880 --> 00:15:11,240
- Where's your phone?
- Where'd you get that, Beth?
311
00:15:11,240 --> 00:15:13,320
Did you get it from the wee Chinese place?
312
00:15:13,320 --> 00:15:17,520
Oh, that's a great shop, that! I saw this thing in there.
313
00:15:17,520 --> 00:15:22,320
It was a hand on the end of a stick and, when you press a button,
314
00:15:22,320 --> 00:15:24,280
the hand goes like that.
315
00:15:24,280 --> 00:15:28,280
- And what's it for?
- Don't know! Going like that!
316
00:15:28,280 --> 00:15:30,000
So, who do you want?
317
00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:33,120
Oh, take one of me first, Ian, and then get everybody!
318
00:15:33,120 --> 00:15:35,680
- I want a photo of you two.
- Us? - Uh-huh!
319
00:15:35,680 --> 00:15:37,880
Eric, take a photo of Ian and Jaz.
320
00:15:37,880 --> 00:15:40,480
Jaz, come on! Ian, give your phone to your dad.
321
00:15:42,440 --> 00:15:44,560
Er, right. Where are we with this?
322
00:15:44,560 --> 00:15:47,720
Oh, the big red button in the middle, down the bottom.
323
00:15:47,720 --> 00:15:49,760
Closer in!
324
00:15:49,760 --> 00:15:53,360
- Oh, if you just...
- Eh? - ..move your finger a bit.
325
00:15:53,360 --> 00:15:54,840
CHEESE!
326
00:15:54,840 --> 00:15:59,480
Beth, here! They're starting to dress quite similar, aren't they?
327
00:15:59,480 --> 00:16:03,360
That's what happens. Same way as folk start to look like their dugs.
328
00:16:04,480 --> 00:16:06,040
There, that's it.
329
00:16:07,280 --> 00:16:09,160
- JAZ:
- Right, put this into that.
330
00:16:09,160 --> 00:16:12,240
- Um, yeah.
331
00:16:12,240 --> 00:16:13,640
ALL: Aw!
332
00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:15,120
- Aw, that's pretty good!
- No bad.
333
00:16:15,120 --> 00:16:17,440
Oh, take another one! Take one of all the family!
334
00:16:17,440 --> 00:16:20,600
Aw, we got one of them done professionally, didn't we, Sophie?
335
00:16:20,600 --> 00:16:22,480
Remember when you were a wee baby?
336
00:16:22,480 --> 00:16:24,520
Oh, wee baby Sophie.
337
00:16:24,520 --> 00:16:27,480
Did you no' get one of them done? What happened to it?
338
00:16:27,480 --> 00:16:29,120
Well, we...we did get one done,
339
00:16:29,120 --> 00:16:31,520
but it didn't, er... It didn't come out right.
340
00:16:31,520 --> 00:16:33,440
We just decided we were fine with what we had.
341
00:16:33,440 --> 00:16:34,920
Yeah, we just decided to leave it.
342
00:16:34,920 --> 00:16:37,960
- That's a bit of a waste.
- Ach, well, you know, one of those things.
343
00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:41,680
- Aw, baby.
- They didn't still charge you for it, though, did they? - Er...
344
00:16:41,680 --> 00:16:44,840
I can't remember. Did we pay? I think we paid something?
345
00:16:44,840 --> 00:16:46,360
Oh, don't ask me. Ha-ha!
346
00:16:46,360 --> 00:16:49,240
They made you pay for the picture, but you still never got it.
347
00:16:49,240 --> 00:16:52,160
No, no, no, we did get it, we just decided not to, um...
348
00:16:52,160 --> 00:16:54,760
- Not to...not to put it up.
- Not to put it up, that's right.
349
00:16:54,760 --> 00:16:57,160
- Anyway...
- Well, have you still got it?
350
00:16:57,160 --> 00:16:59,720
- Aw, I'd love to see it!
- I'd love to see it too, Jaz!
351
00:16:59,720 --> 00:17:01,880
- Come on, Eric! Go and get it!
- CHRISTINE: Yeah!
352
00:17:01,880 --> 00:17:04,120
- Listen, I don't even know where it is.
- Aye, ye dae!
353
00:17:04,120 --> 00:17:06,280
We wouldn't be able to find it in a million years!
354
00:17:06,280 --> 00:17:08,400
- CATH:
- Go and get it! - CHRISTINE:
355
00:17:08,400 --> 00:17:10,240
- Get it, Eric!
- If you paid all that money...
356
00:17:11,400 --> 00:17:13,520
Watch where you're stepping!
357
00:17:13,520 --> 00:17:14,760
I can't believe this!
358
00:17:17,280 --> 00:17:20,800
- And I've still no' had any dinner!
- Just get on with it.
359
00:17:22,400 --> 00:17:25,680
- CHRISTINE:
- Hosanna! Sing Hosanna!
360
00:17:25,680 --> 00:17:31,120
- Sing Hosanna till the break of day!
- Hey!
361
00:17:31,120 --> 00:17:36,360
- Aye, here, he's enjoying himself, aren't ye, son?
- There you go.
362
00:17:36,360 --> 00:17:37,960
Are you not driving?
363
00:17:37,960 --> 00:17:41,280
Aw, he's all right. He's got his sat nav!
364
00:17:41,280 --> 00:17:42,920
Sophie, do you want a glass?
365
00:17:42,920 --> 00:17:45,600
No, thanks. I'm not wanting anything.
366
00:17:45,600 --> 00:17:47,120
- You're allowed!
- No!
367
00:17:48,880 --> 00:17:51,000
She's taking it bad right enough, eh?
368
00:17:52,320 --> 00:17:54,800
Oh, here he is! Oh, and he's got it!
369
00:17:56,720 --> 00:17:58,280
Here, Eric, do you want a wee...?
370
00:17:58,280 --> 00:18:01,600
No, come on now, Colin! He's on the wagon!
371
00:18:01,600 --> 00:18:05,080
- Three wheels
- ALL: On my wagon
372
00:18:05,080 --> 00:18:09,080
And I'm still rolling along
373
00:18:09,080 --> 00:18:13,040
The Cherokees are chasing me
374
00:18:13,040 --> 00:18:16,480
- Arrows fly, right on by...
- Eric, come on!
375
00:18:16,480 --> 00:18:19,280
Bring it in! Bring it in! Come on, let's get a look at it.
376
00:18:19,280 --> 00:18:22,040
- COLIN:
- Right, come on, Eric. - Right, come on!
377
00:18:22,040 --> 00:18:24,640
Right, ssh, everybody, ssh! Ssh, ssh, ssh, ssh, ssh!
378
00:18:30,200 --> 00:18:32,080
ALL: Aw!
379
00:18:32,080 --> 00:18:35,720
- Oh, here, that's no bad!
- Oh, Beth, look at your hair!
380
00:18:35,720 --> 00:18:40,360
Boy, oh, boy! You've no' half piled on the beef, Eric!
381
00:18:40,360 --> 00:18:45,720
- Oh, look at you there!
- Don't! - What? You look so cute!
382
00:18:46,880 --> 00:18:50,400
- What's that there?
- It's just a sticker thing that Ian put on it.
383
00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:51,800
Why'd he put it there?
384
00:18:51,800 --> 00:18:55,400
- Basically, the photographer...
- Unfortunately, um...
385
00:18:55,400 --> 00:18:58,400
..the way the guy set the shot up,
386
00:18:58,400 --> 00:19:00,960
you ended up being able to see a bit of my...
387
00:19:02,000 --> 00:19:04,360
- Your willy?!
- No!
388
00:19:04,360 --> 00:19:07,280
- Well, sort of. More like my...
- What?
389
00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:08,760
Your balls?
390
00:19:08,760 --> 00:19:10,680
Aye. A bit of them.
391
00:19:10,680 --> 00:19:12,760
One of them. You can see one of them.
392
00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:14,640
Well, we THINK it's one of them.
393
00:19:14,640 --> 00:19:17,600
There's something anyway, in amongst the...hair.
394
00:19:26,080 --> 00:19:28,320
All right! All right!
395
00:19:32,360 --> 00:19:35,440
Oh, look at the sticker, Colin! Look! Look!
396
00:19:35,440 --> 00:19:39,400
- What is it?
- It's a footballer! - Who is it? Let's get a look!
397
00:19:39,400 --> 00:19:41,400
Go on! It's Ally McCoist!
398
00:19:41,400 --> 00:19:43,840
Look, Ally McCoist stuck to yer balls!
399
00:19:43,840 --> 00:19:45,960
Here, I bet you wouldn't mind that, eh, Ian?!
400
00:19:48,240 --> 00:19:49,480
It's a bloody disgrace!
401
00:19:49,480 --> 00:19:52,320
- I mean, I don't know how the guy didn't notice it!
- Cathy, leave it!
402
00:19:54,720 --> 00:19:56,440
Nae wonder you didn't put it up!
403
00:19:56,440 --> 00:19:59,360
Who'd want that over their mantelpiece? Here, what about...
404
00:19:59,360 --> 00:20:03,560
? One hairy ball hangin' on the wall... ?
405
00:20:03,560 --> 00:20:07,040
One hairy ball hangin' on yer wall
406
00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:11,040
- And if one hairy ball
- Should accidentally fall!
407
00:20:11,040 --> 00:20:15,240
? You'd have Eric Baird's balls hangin' on the wall... ?
408
00:20:15,240 --> 00:20:17,600
- Hooray!
- Hilarious(!)
409
00:20:17,600 --> 00:20:20,600
- She's pissing herself!
410
00:20:20,600 --> 00:20:21,800
So she is!
411
00:20:21,800 --> 00:20:23,720
- Cathy?
412
00:20:23,720 --> 00:20:25,760
Cathy! Are you all right, Cath?
413
00:20:25,760 --> 00:20:28,600
- Come on now, Cath.
- Come on, let's get you into the kitchen.
414
00:20:34,640 --> 00:20:36,040
What a shame!
415
00:20:37,080 --> 00:20:39,000
- I know!
- Eric...
416
00:20:40,160 --> 00:20:42,240
Give us over her wine, eh? I'll just...
417
00:20:47,360 --> 00:20:50,200
Aw, Cathy, what on earth is the matter?
418
00:20:52,680 --> 00:20:56,440
- What's going on?
- We're not going sailing!
419
00:20:56,440 --> 00:20:59,120
Oh, well, that's disappointing, but surely...
420
00:20:59,120 --> 00:21:03,320
We said we were going sailing on a boat, on the sea, but we're not.
421
00:21:05,120 --> 00:21:09,000
- We're going to see the consultant at the fertility place.
- Ah.
422
00:21:11,080 --> 00:21:13,760
I don't think it's going to be good news, Beth.
423
00:21:13,760 --> 00:21:15,080
Oh, come on now, Cath.
424
00:21:15,080 --> 00:21:17,760
You don't know that for sure until you go and talk to them!
425
00:21:17,760 --> 00:21:20,160
- Well, actually, I do.
- How come?
426
00:21:20,160 --> 00:21:23,840
I phoned them. I couldn't wait and I phoned them.
427
00:21:23,840 --> 00:21:27,280
Oh, Beth... promise you won't say anything.
428
00:21:27,280 --> 00:21:29,640
Of course not, Cathy.
429
00:21:29,640 --> 00:21:32,040
It's your business and nobody needs to know.
430
00:21:32,040 --> 00:21:36,040
What happens is they give you a wee cup, right?
431
00:21:36,040 --> 00:21:38,400
And you go into this wee room and...
432
00:21:38,400 --> 00:21:41,120
Well, that's you. I mean, you...
433
00:21:41,120 --> 00:21:44,280
- You've gotta dae the biz.
- But what happens if you cannae?
434
00:21:44,280 --> 00:21:46,400
- Mum, please!
- No, no, it's all right.
435
00:21:46,400 --> 00:21:50,360
Er, well, there's things in there, Christine, you know.
436
00:21:50,360 --> 00:21:53,000
They've got things in there tae... tae help ye.
437
00:21:53,000 --> 00:21:55,160
- What things?
- Mum!
438
00:21:55,160 --> 00:21:57,040
I'm just asking!
439
00:21:57,040 --> 00:22:00,960
It's just things to help, er, stimulate you.
440
00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:03,920
Oh, like what-d'ya-ma-callits?
441
00:22:03,920 --> 00:22:04,960
Fluffers!
442
00:22:06,960 --> 00:22:09,720
So, what exactly did they say when you phoned?
443
00:22:09,720 --> 00:22:12,760
Just a load of stuff about not being able to give out information
444
00:22:12,760 --> 00:22:16,720
over the phone and something about harassment,
445
00:22:16,720 --> 00:22:20,920
and then, eventually, she just said they were really sorry, but...
446
00:22:20,920 --> 00:22:22,800
because of my age and, er...
447
00:22:24,880 --> 00:22:28,360
..various other factors that...
448
00:22:28,360 --> 00:22:30,840
we'd reached the end of the road.
449
00:22:30,840 --> 00:22:33,080
Aw, Cathy, I'm so sorry!
450
00:22:34,360 --> 00:22:36,360
I'd have made such a good mum, Beth!
451
00:22:37,440 --> 00:22:38,960
How's Colin about it?
452
00:22:38,960 --> 00:22:41,520
He doesn't know. I've not told him yet.
453
00:22:41,520 --> 00:22:43,800
- Well, do you not think...?
- I will!
454
00:22:43,800 --> 00:22:46,600
Later, when it's just the two of us.
455
00:22:46,600 --> 00:22:50,840
You know what my Colin's like. He's a very private person.
456
00:22:50,840 --> 00:22:53,120
So, I'm sat in the corridor.
457
00:22:53,120 --> 00:22:55,160
It's like death row!
458
00:22:55,160 --> 00:22:57,400
Except there's tea and coffee.
459
00:22:57,400 --> 00:22:59,960
And the next thing, the wee consultant guy, he calls me in
460
00:22:59,960 --> 00:23:05,120
and he says, er, "Well, Mr White, we have never seen anything like it!"
461
00:23:06,520 --> 00:23:09,400
And I was like that, "Oh, dear!" He says, "No, no!" he says.
462
00:23:09,400 --> 00:23:11,440
He says, "Everything's fine your end.
463
00:23:11,440 --> 00:23:13,720
"In fact, it's mair than fine.
464
00:23:13,720 --> 00:23:16,920
"Your stuff is practically jumping oot the cup!"
465
00:23:19,480 --> 00:23:24,080
Listen, there are millions of women who don't have children
466
00:23:24,080 --> 00:23:27,080
living perfectly happy lives!
467
00:23:27,080 --> 00:23:29,120
It's all I've ever wanted, Beth.
468
00:23:29,120 --> 00:23:32,320
- I know.
- A little baby Colin.
469
00:23:32,320 --> 00:23:37,280
A little tiny Colin running round. Wouldn't that be amazing?
470
00:23:37,280 --> 00:23:40,680
I mean, having babies - that's the point of living!
471
00:23:41,800 --> 00:23:44,200
It's just the shock at the minute, Cathy!
472
00:23:45,920 --> 00:23:48,480
- Yeah, you're right.
- You've still got Colin.
473
00:23:48,480 --> 00:23:51,440
- Yeah.
- You've got your friends.
474
00:23:53,400 --> 00:23:54,760
You've got me.
475
00:23:56,080 --> 00:23:57,320
All right.
476
00:23:58,360 --> 00:24:02,440
Having a family isn't the be-all and end-all.
477
00:24:02,440 --> 00:24:06,000
You've got a whole life ahead of you to look forward to, Cathy.
478
00:24:07,120 --> 00:24:09,040
Oh, thanks, Beth!
479
00:24:11,720 --> 00:24:13,240
Oh...
480
00:24:14,640 --> 00:24:15,800
Aw.
481
00:24:17,000 --> 00:24:20,400
Now I know I'm not going to have to breast-feed, I'm...
482
00:24:20,400 --> 00:24:23,040
I'm definitely going to get implants for Christmas.
483
00:24:25,600 --> 00:24:32,040
And exchange it some day for...
484
00:24:32,040 --> 00:24:35,520
? A crown. ?
485
00:24:35,520 --> 00:24:36,840
Mum?
486
00:24:36,840 --> 00:24:38,000
Mum!
487
00:24:38,000 --> 00:24:42,160
- Come on, we'll need to go.
- Aw, ssh! I'm enjoying myself!
488
00:24:42,160 --> 00:24:44,920
It's no very often I get the chance to get out the house
489
00:24:44,920 --> 00:24:47,200
and get a bit of company!
490
00:24:47,200 --> 00:24:50,960
And besides, I reckon this is going to end up in a screaming match,
491
00:24:50,960 --> 00:24:53,800
and I'm buggered if I'm going to miss that!
492
00:24:53,800 --> 00:24:55,320
Hello!
493
00:24:55,320 --> 00:24:57,880
- JAZ: Are you OK, Cathy?
- Yeah! Yeah, I'm fine.
494
00:24:59,720 --> 00:25:01,680
I was just, um...
495
00:25:01,680 --> 00:25:04,760
Cathy was just telling me about the sailing trip she's going on.
496
00:25:04,760 --> 00:25:06,400
Colin was just telling us about his...
497
00:25:06,400 --> 00:25:08,720
Why don't we take a nice picture of us all
498
00:25:08,720 --> 00:25:10,760
and put it on your digital frame thing?
499
00:25:10,760 --> 00:25:13,160
- Oh, yeah, birthday picture!
- Yeah, that's a great idea.
500
00:25:13,160 --> 00:25:15,440
Right, everyone, squeeze in on the sofa.
501
00:25:15,440 --> 00:25:18,680
- Birthday boy, you in the middle.
- Right, there you are. Oh, here...
502
00:25:18,680 --> 00:25:22,840
- Mind keep your legs shut this time, Eric.
- Aye, all right! - Ha-ha-ha!
503
00:25:22,840 --> 00:25:26,280
- I'm just going to head home.
- Aw, Sophie, stay for the photo!
504
00:25:26,280 --> 00:25:28,440
Yeah, stay for the photo, Soph.
505
00:25:28,440 --> 00:25:30,360
- CHRISTINE:
- Oh, my God!
506
00:25:30,360 --> 00:25:31,800
I'll tell you this...
507
00:25:33,080 --> 00:25:35,880
I have enjoyed this tonight.
508
00:25:35,880 --> 00:25:40,240
In fact, the whole day has been super.
509
00:25:40,240 --> 00:25:41,440
It really has.
510
00:25:44,600 --> 00:25:47,680
- Nothing's happening.
- Just wait a few seconds and then it'll do it.
511
00:25:48,680 --> 00:25:50,840
- Oh, dear.
- There we go!
512
00:25:50,840 --> 00:25:52,040
There we are!
513
00:25:55,640 --> 00:25:58,880
- Oh, it's a bit weird!
- What's wrong with it?
514
00:25:58,880 --> 00:26:00,400
Christine smiling, is she?
515
00:26:00,400 --> 00:26:02,720
- What's the wee dick saying noo?
516
00:26:02,720 --> 00:26:03,760
Let me see it!
517
00:26:06,120 --> 00:26:09,200
That's all right! Aye!
518
00:26:09,200 --> 00:26:12,920
Oh, there's a hell of a sheen aff your forehead, Eric!
519
00:26:12,920 --> 00:26:15,000
Here, Jaz, take one of us!
520
00:26:15,000 --> 00:26:16,840
Take one of the mums, eh!
521
00:26:16,840 --> 00:26:18,440
Come on, Beth! Ha-ha!
522
00:26:18,440 --> 00:26:20,040
- There, up, up.
- Aye. - Come on.
523
00:26:21,120 --> 00:26:22,160
Uh-huh!
524
00:26:23,560 --> 00:26:27,920
- Here, Cathy, you come in on this as well.
- Er, no, I'm... - Come on, Cathy!
525
00:26:30,160 --> 00:26:34,320
- Oh, well, I'll come in too.
- No, no, this is just for the mums!
526
00:26:34,320 --> 00:26:35,720
AND Cathy.
527
00:26:35,720 --> 00:26:37,000
Christine!
528
00:26:37,000 --> 00:26:39,960
Well, she's working on it, aren't you, Cathy?
529
00:26:39,960 --> 00:26:42,760
Oh, here, you'd better get my good side, eh?
530
00:26:42,760 --> 00:26:44,560
Oh, no, Sophie, you take it.
531
00:26:44,560 --> 00:26:46,000
Sophie knows how to take me.
532
00:26:46,000 --> 00:26:47,720
No, no, no.
533
00:26:47,720 --> 00:26:49,880
No, I'll just come in for it.
534
00:26:49,880 --> 00:26:53,480
- It's mums, isn't it?
- Uh-huh. - Well, I'll just come in for it, then.
535
00:26:53,480 --> 00:26:56,440
- But you're not a mum!
- Well, not yet I'm not.
536
00:26:58,120 --> 00:26:59,160
But I will be soon.
537
00:27:01,440 --> 00:27:02,480
I'm pregnant.
538
00:27:05,040 --> 00:27:06,560
Beth!
539
00:27:06,560 --> 00:27:07,880
BETH!
540
00:27:07,880 --> 00:27:09,000
Aw!
541
00:27:10,840 --> 00:27:12,880
- Mr Baird?
- Er, yes?
542
00:27:12,880 --> 00:27:15,320
- You brought in Christine O'Neill?
- Aye.
543
00:27:15,320 --> 00:27:17,320
They've got her sedated and they're just going
544
00:27:17,320 --> 00:27:19,800
- to keep an eye on her for the time being.
- That's good.
545
00:27:19,800 --> 00:27:22,360
- Can I take some details from you in the meantime?
- Of course.
546
00:27:22,360 --> 00:27:25,160
- Your name, please?
- Eric Baird. - Mm-hm.
547
00:27:25,160 --> 00:27:27,480
- Your relation to patient?
- Friend.
548
00:27:27,480 --> 00:27:29,440
Er, no, neighbour.
549
00:27:32,200 --> 00:27:33,760
And your date of birth?
550
00:27:33,760 --> 00:27:36,000
Er, sixth of the fifth, '53.
551
00:27:36,000 --> 00:27:37,720
Great.
552
00:27:37,720 --> 00:27:39,320
Sixth of the fifth? Oh, that...
553
00:27:40,640 --> 00:27:42,400
So it is!
554
00:27:42,400 --> 00:27:43,560
Happy birthday!
555
00:27:48,880 --> 00:27:50,800
I've just come doon from the Isle of Skye
556
00:27:50,800 --> 00:27:52,760
I'm not very big and I'm awful shy
557
00:27:52,760 --> 00:27:54,960
And the lassies shout when I go by
558
00:27:54,960 --> 00:27:56,880
Donald, where's your troosers?
559
00:27:56,880 --> 00:27:59,160
Let the wind blow high Let the wind blow low
560
00:27:59,160 --> 00:28:01,280
Through the streets in my kilt I'll go
561
00:28:01,280 --> 00:28:03,280
And all the ladies say hello
562
00:28:03,280 --> 00:28:05,360
Donald, where's your troosers?
563
00:28:05,360 --> 00:28:07,480
A lassie took me to a ball
564
00:28:07,480 --> 00:28:09,440
And it was slippery in the hall
565
00:28:09,440 --> 00:28:11,520
And I was feart that I would fall
566
00:28:11,520 --> 00:28:13,520
For I hadnae on my troosers
567
00:28:13,520 --> 00:28:15,760
Let the wind blow high Let the wind blow low
568
00:28:15,760 --> 00:28:17,920
Through the streets in my kilt I'll go
569
00:28:17,920 --> 00:28:19,960
And all the ladies say hello
570
00:28:19,960 --> 00:28:21,960
Donald, where's your troosers?
571
00:28:21,960 --> 00:28:23,960
I went doon to London Town
572
00:28:23,960 --> 00:28:26,040
I had some fun in the underground
573
00:28:26,040 --> 00:28:28,200
The ladies turned their heads around saying
574
00:28:28,200 --> 00:28:30,280
? Donald, where's your troosers? ?
575
00:28:30,330 --> 00:28:34,880
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