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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:05,000 Edited at https://subtitletools.com 2 00:01:00,120 --> 00:01:04,120 This programme contains very strong language, violence, drug use and scenes of a sexual nature. 3 00:01:08,880 --> 00:01:12,880 MOBILE PHONE BLEEPS 4 00:01:22,920 --> 00:01:24,920 (CHUCKLES) 5 00:01:24,920 --> 00:01:28,920 Fuckers. 6 00:01:46,960 --> 00:01:50,960 HORN BLARES 7 00:02:32,160 --> 00:02:33,920 Fredster! 8 00:02:33,920 --> 00:02:37,400 This stuff is fucking rubbish, by the way. 9 00:02:37,400 --> 00:02:39,160 Stop stealing my fucking spliff! 10 00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:40,560 Arghhh! 11 00:02:40,560 --> 00:02:44,560 Morning, gents, you thieving bastards. > 12 00:02:45,520 --> 00:02:49,520 Come on, I got you some breakfast. 13 00:02:50,480 --> 00:02:52,320 They allowed to serve lager at 8 in the morning? 14 00:02:52,320 --> 00:02:55,120 They allowed to serve lager at 8 in the morning? I had a word... 15 00:02:55,120 --> 00:02:58,480 JJ's got some interesting thoughts on the benefits of Carlsberg 16 00:02:58,480 --> 00:03:00,040 as part of a balanced dietary pattern. 17 00:03:00,040 --> 00:03:01,280 as part of a balanced dietary pattern. Yeah? 18 00:03:01,280 --> 00:03:04,600 Calorifically it's right up there with 392 energy units, 19 00:03:04,600 --> 00:03:07,080 which is nothing on the Snickers Duo I'm having 20 00:03:07,080 --> 00:03:09,880 which has the additional drawback of 28 grams of fat. 21 00:03:09,880 --> 00:03:12,320 1.2 grams of fibre, 22 00:03:12,320 --> 00:03:16,280 which doesn't feature in your lager. But you could argue in some sense 23 00:03:16,280 --> 00:03:18,680 that hops constitute one of your five a day. 24 00:03:18,680 --> 00:03:22,680 That'll do me. 25 00:03:26,720 --> 00:03:29,000 You not having that, Freds? 26 00:03:29,000 --> 00:03:31,000 That's his fourth so far. > 27 00:03:31,000 --> 00:03:33,600 Is that a good idea? We've college in half an hour. 28 00:03:33,600 --> 00:03:36,480 You'll be carrying an attention deficit into the day. 29 00:03:36,480 --> 00:03:40,480 Attention deficit? Intelligence deficit! 30 00:03:40,600 --> 00:03:42,480 (BURPS LOUDLY) 31 00:03:42,480 --> 00:03:43,520 Pig! 32 00:03:43,520 --> 00:03:45,600 Well, maybe I won't go then. 33 00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:47,720 You're going to bunk off your first day? 34 00:03:47,720 --> 00:03:50,480 Freddie, mate, the sun's shining. 35 00:03:50,480 --> 00:03:52,560 We're bevvied, spliffed and sorted. 36 00:03:52,560 --> 00:03:55,720 Feels like the beginning of something. So I'm waiting. 37 00:03:56,760 --> 00:03:57,200 The signal. 38 00:03:57,200 --> 00:03:58,400 The signal. We're starting college, Cook. 39 00:03:58,400 --> 00:04:01,120 The signal. We're starting college, Cook. No, we're waiting. Something's gotta start us off. 40 00:04:01,120 --> 00:04:03,520 You're running a randomised fate model to see 41 00:04:03,520 --> 00:04:04,960 if you continue in full time education? 42 00:04:04,960 --> 00:04:08,880 if you continue in full time education? I need motivation. And it needs to be better than sitting in the sun, 43 00:04:08,880 --> 00:04:12,880 with you two, drinking beers and smoking your blow. Jensie! 44 00:04:13,360 --> 00:04:15,000 Have the same again? 45 00:04:15,000 --> 00:04:17,440 And sling a couple of them cherry shots on top? 46 00:04:17,440 --> 00:04:18,480 Cheers, darling. 47 00:04:18,480 --> 00:04:20,920 LAUGHTER 48 00:04:20,920 --> 00:04:24,000 Yes, I can feel it! 49 00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:26,760 It's got potential, this day. 50 00:04:26,760 --> 00:04:30,760 It's pregnant. 51 00:04:37,120 --> 00:04:41,120 Shouldn't someone pick up that bike before it causes an...? 52 00:04:46,320 --> 00:04:48,320 For fuck's sake! Jesus shit! 53 00:04:48,320 --> 00:04:52,040 Where the fuck did that...?! What the fuck?! 54 00:04:52,040 --> 00:04:56,040 Oh! Look at it! Look at it! 55 00:04:56,160 --> 00:04:58,720 Look at my fucking car! 56 00:04:58,720 --> 00:05:01,440 You saw that, didn't you? Did you!? Did you see it?! 57 00:05:01,440 --> 00:05:04,520 I don't know. You drove into the bollard. 58 00:05:04,520 --> 00:05:08,120 I did not! The fucking bike jumped out in front of me! 59 00:05:08,120 --> 00:05:12,120 my witness, right? Are you blind? 60 00:05:12,320 --> 00:05:15,840 fucking blind? 61 00:05:15,840 --> 00:05:17,880 (JJ) That girl's looking at you, Freddie. > 62 00:05:17,880 --> 00:05:20,760 Yeah. 63 00:05:20,760 --> 00:05:22,960 Maybe she's looking at me. 64 00:05:24,880 --> 00:05:27,560 OK. 65 00:05:27,560 --> 00:05:29,000 Nice hair. > 66 00:05:29,000 --> 00:05:30,280 Yeah. 67 00:05:30,280 --> 00:05:33,160 She's got nice hair and nice eyes. > 68 00:05:33,160 --> 00:05:34,760 And nice breasts, probably. > 69 00:05:34,760 --> 00:05:36,280 Shut up, JJ. 70 00:05:36,280 --> 00:05:38,560 Nipples. 71 00:05:38,560 --> 00:05:41,000 We'll just imagine her bottom. 72 00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:43,640 white stick, woman? 73 00:05:43,640 --> 00:05:45,440 She's absolutely lovely. > 74 00:05:45,440 --> 00:05:47,320 You are as stupid as you look! > 75 00:05:47,320 --> 00:05:48,800 Ah, for fuck... I want your mobile number. 76 00:05:48,800 --> 00:05:50,920 Ah, for fuck... I want your mobile number. I don't have one. 77 00:05:50,920 --> 00:05:53,200 Your fucking email address, then! 78 00:05:53,200 --> 00:05:56,000 Look at the state of my fucking car! 79 00:05:56,000 --> 00:05:59,680 You must have seen something, you demented bint! 80 00:05:59,680 --> 00:06:02,080 What... What happened? 81 00:06:02,080 --> 00:06:05,040 Is that your bike, you fucking idiot?! 82 00:06:05,040 --> 00:06:06,400 I was signalling... you just kept coming... 83 00:06:06,400 --> 00:06:08,040 I was signalling... you just kept coming... I didn't even see you! > 84 00:06:08,040 --> 00:06:10,120 You came out of fucking nowhere! > 85 00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:13,080 I was trying to make you see me. You just kept coming, man! 86 00:06:13,080 --> 00:06:14,880 No. That's bollocks. No. Listen! 87 00:06:14,880 --> 00:06:18,080 You fucked my bike. You just ran straight through me. 88 00:06:18,080 --> 00:06:22,080 That is not right! You haven't got a witness. 89 00:06:22,880 --> 00:06:26,320 Nobody saw me knock you off your bike. 90 00:06:26,320 --> 00:06:29,120 I did. > 91 00:06:29,120 --> 00:06:32,760 It was just like he said! 92 00:06:32,760 --> 00:06:35,960 You ran him over, and now he's bleeding. 93 00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:38,560 Profusely. 94 00:06:38,560 --> 00:06:41,200 Perhaps we should call a policeman. 95 00:06:41,200 --> 00:06:42,360 I think it's a crime to leave the scene of a... 96 00:06:42,360 --> 00:06:46,160 I think it's a crime to leave the scene of a... There's no need for that. I'm sure we can sort this out. 97 00:06:46,160 --> 00:06:50,040 Let me buy you a new bike... Look, here. Come on, take it! 98 00:06:50,040 --> 00:06:53,160 Take it!! Come on, have the lot. Have the whole fucking lot! 99 00:06:53,160 --> 00:06:56,200 Oh, bollocks! Forgive and forget, OK? 100 00:06:56,200 --> 00:06:59,600 Forgive and forget, OK? OK?! All right. 101 00:06:59,600 --> 00:07:01,120 Everything all right, Gran? 102 00:07:01,120 --> 00:07:05,120 Oh, yes. Just a slight problem, all sorted out now. Yes. 103 00:07:05,160 --> 00:07:08,120 He's a pillock, he wrapped his car around that bollard, > 104 00:07:08,120 --> 00:07:11,840 and he's called me a demented bint. > 105 00:07:11,840 --> 00:07:13,240 What the fuck did you say to my Gran, man? > 106 00:07:13,240 --> 00:07:14,840 What the fuck did you say to my Gran, man? > Hello, nice to meet you... > 107 00:07:14,840 --> 00:07:16,640 Don't fucking, "Hello," me... > 108 00:07:16,640 --> 00:07:20,640 Sweet. 109 00:07:25,560 --> 00:07:28,920 Dad says some things are best left to the imagination. > 110 00:07:28,920 --> 00:07:29,640 But that's not right, is it? 111 00:07:29,640 --> 00:07:31,800 But that's not right, is it? Your dad's a stupid tosser, JJ. 112 00:07:31,800 --> 00:07:32,840 Yes. 113 00:07:32,840 --> 00:07:36,840 Do you think she's going where we're going? > 114 00:07:36,840 --> 00:07:40,840 She is now. 115 00:07:59,640 --> 00:08:03,640 # There were always two sides to this story 116 00:08:04,880 --> 00:08:08,880 # It was faith that led us here 117 00:08:10,280 --> 00:08:12,400 # Two lazy bells 118 00:08:12,400 --> 00:08:15,320 # We saw wings that cling and wings that fell 119 00:08:15,320 --> 00:08:19,320 # All our time 120 00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:23,600 # It's easy to see all these changes for me 121 00:08:24,920 --> 00:08:28,920 # But all of these things Do not compare 122 00:08:31,760 --> 00:08:35,400 # Not anywhere no Near the way we do 123 00:08:35,400 --> 00:08:39,400 # Through all of this life 124 00:08:40,880 --> 00:08:44,880 # There's you. # 125 00:08:56,960 --> 00:09:00,960 SHOWER RUNS 126 00:09:01,760 --> 00:09:03,720 Aarrgh! 127 00:09:03,720 --> 00:09:07,040 Mum! Mum! Emily hit me! Aargh! 128 00:09:07,040 --> 00:09:08,760 Emily? Are you hitting James? 129 00:09:08,760 --> 00:09:10,040 Sorry! Accident... 130 00:09:10,040 --> 00:09:12,480 Argh! That was my bloody widdler! 131 00:09:12,480 --> 00:09:16,280 Shut up or I'll tell her what you were doing. 132 00:09:16,280 --> 00:09:19,440 I've got a natural curiosity for a boy of my age. 133 00:09:19,440 --> 00:09:22,400 Fuck off. And I know it's you stealing the knickers. 134 00:09:22,400 --> 00:09:26,400 They better not be sticky when I find them. 135 00:09:29,920 --> 00:09:33,480 Get the fuck out of there, bitch! 136 00:09:33,480 --> 00:09:37,480 Mum! Mum! Who? 137 00:09:38,000 --> 00:09:40,280 It's me, Emily. 138 00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:44,240 Tell her to get out of the shower. She's making me late for college. 139 00:09:44,240 --> 00:09:47,640 Gotta dash. Remember to make a packed lunch for James. No! 140 00:09:47,640 --> 00:09:51,640 Why don't you get Katie to...? Good luck at college. Remember to smile. 141 00:09:51,880 --> 00:09:55,880 DOOR CLOSES 142 00:10:00,120 --> 00:10:01,200 DOOR SLAMS 143 00:10:01,200 --> 00:10:05,200 Fucking hell! 144 00:10:10,560 --> 00:10:14,080 You've used all the fucking water! 145 00:10:14,080 --> 00:10:18,080 Jesus! Shit! 146 00:10:20,240 --> 00:10:23,760 Oh, for fuck's sake! You pervy little bastard. 147 00:10:23,760 --> 00:10:25,040 Ow... Ow! Mum! 148 00:10:25,040 --> 00:10:26,560 She's gone to work, loser. 149 00:10:26,560 --> 00:10:27,600 Ow! > 150 00:10:27,600 --> 00:10:30,640 Fucking hell. How many times are you gonna do that? 151 00:10:30,640 --> 00:10:32,480 I need to wash my hair and you've... 152 00:10:32,480 --> 00:10:35,400 I knew this top would look fucking bad-ass. 153 00:10:35,400 --> 00:10:37,120 It's mine. 154 00:10:37,120 --> 00:10:41,040 Yeah. Aren't you glad I made you buy it? 155 00:10:41,040 --> 00:10:45,040 Get dressed, though. We're gonna be late. 156 00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:49,840 but it's properly cutting me in half. 157 00:10:49,840 --> 00:10:51,280 You could give it back. 158 00:10:51,280 --> 00:10:52,360 Sorry. 159 00:10:52,360 --> 00:10:54,440 You know it doesn't look as good on you. 160 00:10:54,440 --> 00:10:55,480 CAR TOOTS HORN 161 00:10:55,480 --> 00:10:57,920 Oh, there's Danny. Hey, cutey! 162 00:10:57,920 --> 00:10:59,760 I'm just coming. Hooo! 163 00:10:59,760 --> 00:11:03,760 I'm telling you, college? First day? You need to get ready. 164 00:11:05,200 --> 00:11:09,200 Cos we're not waiting for you. 165 00:11:19,600 --> 00:11:21,600 What about my packed lunch? 166 00:11:21,600 --> 00:11:22,840 Fuck off. 167 00:11:22,840 --> 00:11:26,560 You shave your fanny with Dad's Gillette Mach3. 168 00:11:26,560 --> 00:11:30,560 WU-TANG CLAN: Shame On A Nigga 169 00:11:50,600 --> 00:11:52,760 So Tommo goes up the inside, right? 170 00:11:52,760 --> 00:11:55,360 I drop back to cover Marco and Keeno. 171 00:11:55,360 --> 00:11:57,960 Took a one-two from Jonno, he's gone, "Danno!" 172 00:11:57,960 --> 00:11:59,480 So I drag back over the ball. 173 00:11:59,480 --> 00:12:02,120 Looked up, chipped the centre back... Boff! 174 00:12:02,120 --> 00:12:03,840 Sambo's in on goal. 175 00:12:03,840 --> 00:12:04,920 Sambo? 176 00:12:04,920 --> 00:12:08,680 He's got a lovely sense of rhythm. Whoa! Where's your knickers, girl? 177 00:12:08,680 --> 00:12:11,480 That's for me to know and you to find out, Danny. 178 00:12:11,480 --> 00:12:15,480 Nice one! Nice one, yeah? 179 00:12:34,040 --> 00:12:36,600 Score one for me, honey. 180 00:12:36,600 --> 00:12:38,960 Laters, babe. 181 00:12:38,960 --> 00:12:40,280 See you, Danny. 182 00:12:40,280 --> 00:12:44,280 Yeah, yeah. 183 00:12:45,200 --> 00:12:48,680 Yeah. Renault Megane Coupe! 184 00:12:48,680 --> 00:12:50,000 Fucking bag... 185 00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:51,960 Here, Ems? 186 00:12:51,960 --> 00:12:53,000 Ems? 187 00:12:53,000 --> 00:12:53,640 Yeah? 188 00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:57,000 Yeah? You oughta spruce up, yeah? Get some decent threads like Katie. 189 00:12:57,000 --> 00:13:01,000 We're having a party in the Premier Travel Lodge on Thursday. 190 00:13:01,280 --> 00:13:05,280 Party fun, yeah? The lads, they love a twin thing, you know? 191 00:13:08,360 --> 00:13:11,600 That's sweet of you, Danny. Can I get back to you on that? 192 00:13:11,600 --> 00:13:15,600 Yeah, yeah. Nice one. 193 00:13:19,560 --> 00:13:21,640 That gas-head footy player? 194 00:13:21,640 --> 00:13:22,040 Yup... 195 00:13:22,040 --> 00:13:24,520 Yup... My mate Janice wants you to sign her tits. 196 00:13:24,520 --> 00:13:26,360 Let me park up. 197 00:13:26,360 --> 00:13:27,880 Your boyfriend's well mint. 198 00:13:27,880 --> 00:13:29,200 Yeah. He's totally fit. 199 00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:32,760 He took me to the Stakis Grand last week for surf, turf and shots. 200 00:13:32,760 --> 00:13:35,080 Oooh. I love Danny Guillermo. Wow. 201 00:13:37,320 --> 00:13:38,680 Oh, yeah, cute. 202 00:13:38,680 --> 00:13:40,440 He's signing Samantha's tits! 203 00:13:40,440 --> 00:13:41,680 Bonkers! 204 00:13:41,680 --> 00:13:43,600 What's surf and turf, Eff? 205 00:13:43,600 --> 00:13:45,000 Sex. 206 00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:48,200 Wow! We'll have a whizzer time at this college, Eff! 207 00:13:48,200 --> 00:13:50,800 I'm definitely going to have surf and turf, ASAP. 208 00:13:50,800 --> 00:13:52,120 Mum says boys only want one thing 209 00:13:52,120 --> 00:13:53,920 so my plan is give it to them, lots of times. 210 00:13:53,920 --> 00:13:55,560 That way I'll get good at it, be really popular 211 00:13:55,560 --> 00:13:57,120 and maybe my toes will stop throbbing. 212 00:13:57,120 --> 00:13:59,360 Bye! 213 00:13:59,360 --> 00:14:01,920 Christ's sakes, Ems. Come on, you loser!! 214 00:14:01,920 --> 00:14:02,200 Oh... 215 00:14:02,200 --> 00:14:05,640 Oh... You're always lagging behind me. 216 00:14:08,480 --> 00:14:09,960 Right. 217 00:14:09,960 --> 00:14:11,240 You hate her. 218 00:14:11,240 --> 00:14:13,600 Who do I hate, Eff? 219 00:14:13,600 --> 00:14:15,000 I'll let you know. 220 00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:16,360 Cool. 221 00:14:16,360 --> 00:14:18,080 Let's get this party started. 222 00:14:18,080 --> 00:14:18,680 You want a lollipop? 223 00:14:18,680 --> 00:14:20,440 You want a lollipop? No. 224 00:14:20,440 --> 00:14:22,760 # I know I've got work to do But hey 225 00:14:22,760 --> 00:14:25,360 # My will to move or even use my brain 226 00:14:25,360 --> 00:14:28,120 # Is weathered by eternal English rain 227 00:14:28,120 --> 00:14:30,600 # And when the talk show ends, I scream 228 00:14:30,600 --> 00:14:32,400 # Right at the screen for more 229 00:14:32,400 --> 00:14:34,360 # Pregnant teens I can't fall asleep 230 00:14:34,360 --> 00:14:35,840 # It's almost three 231 00:14:35,840 --> 00:14:38,360 # So I water the flowers out on the street 232 00:14:38,360 --> 00:14:42,360 # And I spent 5 hours on the net last night... # 233 00:14:45,160 --> 00:14:47,160 She smiled at me. 234 00:14:47,160 --> 00:14:48,400 Cool. 235 00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:51,040 She, erm, didn't smile at you, JJ. 236 00:14:51,040 --> 00:14:53,680 I think you'll find she did. 237 00:14:53,680 --> 00:14:57,680 Mum was right. A lack of pubic hair isn't necessarily a drawback. 238 00:14:58,120 --> 00:14:59,960 It is a drawback. 239 00:14:59,960 --> 00:15:03,960 Girls are more interested in my character than my cock. 240 00:15:03,960 --> 00:15:05,400 That's just been proved. 241 00:15:05,400 --> 00:15:07,720 She was not looking at you. 242 00:15:07,720 --> 00:15:10,040 Fuck me, you're blind. 243 00:15:10,040 --> 00:15:14,040 On the contrary. My eyesight is keen. 244 00:15:14,120 --> 00:15:17,960 Yeah? How many fingers am I holding up? 245 00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:20,320 F... Ow! 246 00:15:20,320 --> 00:15:21,600 You always do that...! 247 00:15:21,600 --> 00:15:23,040 I've got so much cock hair 248 00:15:23,040 --> 00:15:25,280 I can backcomb it and use it like a lure. 249 00:15:25,280 --> 00:15:29,280 Nice. 250 00:15:30,200 --> 00:15:32,200 Like a Porcupine. 251 00:15:32,200 --> 00:15:34,560 Right, you're all prick. 252 00:15:34,560 --> 00:15:36,120 Toosh. 253 00:15:36,120 --> 00:15:39,560 You mean touche. 254 00:15:39,560 --> 00:15:43,560 Probably. 255 00:15:44,600 --> 00:15:45,680 Tosser. 256 00:15:45,680 --> 00:15:49,680 Nice. 257 00:15:51,680 --> 00:15:52,920 Here we go. 258 00:15:52,920 --> 00:15:56,920 'Welcome to Roundview College. A meeting place for young people.' 259 00:16:00,720 --> 00:16:04,720 CHORUS PLAYS OVER TANNOY 260 00:16:10,840 --> 00:16:12,760 God help me. 261 00:16:12,760 --> 00:16:14,920 Lovely kids. So full of energy. 262 00:16:14,920 --> 00:16:16,640 Makes you feel alive. 263 00:16:16,640 --> 00:16:19,480 They look like a right peck of fuckers to me. 264 00:16:19,480 --> 00:16:23,040 If I suddenly get a bit flushed and short of breath, 265 00:16:23,040 --> 00:16:25,200 take over, would you, Doug? 266 00:16:25,200 --> 00:16:26,240 Why would you get flushed? 267 00:16:26,240 --> 00:16:27,360 Why would you get flushed? Just fucking do it, ok?! 268 00:16:27,360 --> 00:16:31,360 No problem. Flushed. Right you are. 269 00:16:31,800 --> 00:16:35,120 Could I have your attention, please? 270 00:16:35,120 --> 00:16:38,680 Yes, we are starting. 271 00:16:38,680 --> 00:16:39,720 Excuse... 272 00:16:39,720 --> 00:16:42,480 BLOWS WHISTLE 273 00:16:42,480 --> 00:16:43,720 Attention! 274 00:16:43,720 --> 00:16:47,720 Pay attention, look you! 275 00:16:49,480 --> 00:16:53,480 Thank you, Doug. 276 00:16:53,840 --> 00:16:56,640 Welcome to Roundview College. 277 00:16:56,640 --> 00:17:00,640 We are a designated four star educational establishment 278 00:17:00,680 --> 00:17:04,040 under the National We're All In It Together Initiative 279 00:17:04,040 --> 00:17:07,640 leading to Ultimate Improvement status. 280 00:17:07,640 --> 00:17:11,640 Anyone who screws that up will be officially burnt at the stake. 281 00:17:11,640 --> 00:17:12,800 And expelled. 282 00:17:12,800 --> 00:17:14,360 Yes, and expelled. 283 00:17:14,360 --> 00:17:18,360 God help you all, you're gonna get some qualifications. Any questions? 284 00:17:19,720 --> 00:17:21,000 PFFRT! 285 00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:24,600 Thank you. Now before I turn you over to your form tutors, 286 00:17:24,600 --> 00:17:28,280 I'd like to tell you something about the way in which we organise our... 287 00:17:28,280 --> 00:17:28,880 PFFRT! 288 00:17:28,880 --> 00:17:31,760 PFFRT! Right! Very funny. This is a further education college, 289 00:17:31,760 --> 00:17:33,600 not a primary school. 290 00:17:33,600 --> 00:17:34,800 PFFRT! 291 00:17:34,800 --> 00:17:35,840 LAUGHTER 292 00:17:35,840 --> 00:17:37,480 Stop it! Stop it! 293 00:17:37,480 --> 00:17:40,280 I'll cut your balls off, you cheeky little turds! 294 00:17:40,280 --> 00:17:43,560 You hear me? 295 00:17:43,560 --> 00:17:47,200 I do apologise. 296 00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:49,880 I think I might be at fault. 297 00:17:49,880 --> 00:17:52,640 Too much rhubarb on my Ready Brek. Havoc. 298 00:17:52,640 --> 00:17:54,040 LAUGHTER 299 00:17:54,040 --> 00:17:55,280 Right. 300 00:17:55,280 --> 00:17:58,440 You are looking a little flushed. Do you want me to...? 301 00:17:58,440 --> 00:18:01,760 No! No. Just... 302 00:18:01,760 --> 00:18:05,760 (INHALES) 303 00:18:17,400 --> 00:18:21,400 Last year, we had some intolerable incidents 304 00:18:21,760 --> 00:18:24,960 so, I want to make this easy for you. 305 00:18:24,960 --> 00:18:28,960 The following will result in instant expulsion - smoking on the premises, 306 00:18:29,680 --> 00:18:31,280 setting fire to the premises, 307 00:18:31,280 --> 00:18:33,400 consumption of alcohol on the premises, 308 00:18:33,400 --> 00:18:37,280 consumption of drugs on the premises, consumption of pornography 309 00:18:37,280 --> 00:18:40,560 on the premises, teacher abuse, glue abuse, self abuse, 310 00:18:40,560 --> 00:18:44,560 sexual intercourse with any other student, teacher or animal 311 00:18:44,560 --> 00:18:46,200 or combination of the above 312 00:18:46,200 --> 00:18:50,200 including oral sex and/or use of sex toys, on the premises. 313 00:18:51,680 --> 00:18:53,520 That was nasty... 314 00:18:53,520 --> 00:18:57,520 Miss Reedy, our new head of communications. 315 00:18:57,840 --> 00:19:00,960 Miss Reedy is joining us from... 316 00:19:00,960 --> 00:19:02,800 Where are you joining us from? 317 00:19:02,800 --> 00:19:05,280 Um, I had some time off. 318 00:19:05,280 --> 00:19:07,280 Seven years. 319 00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:11,280 It was stress-related but feeling a bit better now, hopefully... 320 00:19:12,600 --> 00:19:16,600 Oh, Christ. 321 00:19:17,560 --> 00:19:21,560 Form BD1, say your name, please, when I... 322 00:19:24,600 --> 00:19:28,600 Put your hands up, please, when I call your, erm, name. 323 00:19:32,440 --> 00:19:36,440 Emily Fitch? 324 00:19:37,560 --> 00:19:40,040 Katie Fitch? 325 00:19:40,040 --> 00:19:41,720 Jonah Jeremia Jones? 326 00:19:41,720 --> 00:19:44,240 JJ, present. 327 00:19:44,240 --> 00:19:45,480 James Cook? 328 00:19:45,480 --> 00:19:47,320 Yo! 329 00:19:47,320 --> 00:19:51,040 Elizabeth Stonem? 330 00:19:51,040 --> 00:19:54,760 Mavis Jarundi? 331 00:19:54,760 --> 00:19:58,760 Dob...rislawa W... 332 00:19:59,600 --> 00:20:03,360 Wieczorek? I'm sorry, you're foreign. 333 00:20:03,360 --> 00:20:04,640 Frederick Mclair? 334 00:20:04,640 --> 00:20:06,160 Yes. 335 00:20:06,160 --> 00:20:07,640 Yes! 336 00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:08,680 Denise Adebeyor? 337 00:20:08,680 --> 00:20:11,720 Yes. Yes! The integrity of the unit is preserved. 338 00:20:11,720 --> 00:20:14,240 I'm still deeply unhappy with you, mind, 339 00:20:14,240 --> 00:20:16,520 on account of the unwarranted violence. 340 00:20:16,520 --> 00:20:18,280 All right, I said I'm sorry. 341 00:20:18,280 --> 00:20:22,280 And Naomi Campbell? 342 00:20:23,080 --> 00:20:27,080 Naomi Campbell? 343 00:20:28,160 --> 00:20:31,040 THROUGH MEGAPHONE: Naomi Campbell?! 344 00:20:31,040 --> 00:20:35,040 Fucking hell... 345 00:20:36,480 --> 00:20:38,560 Hey, Naomi. 346 00:20:38,560 --> 00:20:41,280 Now I get it. You got anger management issues. 347 00:20:41,280 --> 00:20:42,920 Only when I talk to wankers. 348 00:20:42,920 --> 00:20:46,920 Cool. You gonna hit me with your shoe now, or...? 349 00:20:51,600 --> 00:20:55,600 I like her. 350 00:20:57,920 --> 00:21:01,920 Oh, Christ. Same fucking form. 351 00:21:02,560 --> 00:21:05,080 TEACHER CONTINUES READING NAMES 352 00:21:05,080 --> 00:21:06,280 Hey, babe...? 353 00:21:06,280 --> 00:21:08,320 Babe? Babe? 354 00:21:08,320 --> 00:21:09,920 Babe? 355 00:21:09,920 --> 00:21:11,280 Babe? 356 00:21:11,280 --> 00:21:13,800 Sorry. I'm not a babe. 357 00:21:13,800 --> 00:21:15,960 No? Well, I'll be the judge of that. 358 00:21:17,680 --> 00:21:19,160 Listen, trying to break the ice. 359 00:21:19,160 --> 00:21:21,240 Guess what I've got tattooed on my cock? 360 00:21:21,760 --> 00:21:23,360 No, go on. Guess. 361 00:21:23,360 --> 00:21:24,600 What would you say? 362 00:21:24,600 --> 00:21:26,040 Excuse me? 363 00:21:26,040 --> 00:21:27,640 Yes? What is it? 364 00:21:27,640 --> 00:21:29,760 The boy next to me is acting inappropriately. 365 00:21:29,760 --> 00:21:30,880 How? 366 00:21:30,880 --> 00:21:32,880 He wants to show me his tattoo. 367 00:21:32,880 --> 00:21:35,120 And not in a nice way. 368 00:21:35,120 --> 00:21:36,680 Right. You! 369 00:21:37,400 --> 00:21:40,160 Yes! Why don't you show us all your pathetic tattoo. 370 00:21:40,160 --> 00:21:43,680 We can wonder at its magnificent stupidity. 371 00:21:43,680 --> 00:21:45,320 I don't think you'd like it. 372 00:21:45,320 --> 00:21:48,360 Right lad! Smartish! 373 00:21:48,360 --> 00:21:52,360 You've had an instruction. Show her the tattoo, now! 374 00:21:52,440 --> 00:21:53,920 All right. 375 00:21:53,920 --> 00:21:56,680 Wait. No, no, no! Cook, wait, no. 376 00:21:57,960 --> 00:22:01,960 LAUGHTER 377 00:22:07,000 --> 00:22:10,640 That is fuckin' impressive, so it is. 378 00:22:10,640 --> 00:22:14,640 No, no, no, no, no! Let me out! 379 00:22:14,920 --> 00:22:18,920 Let me out! Don't make me stay. Let me out! 380 00:22:19,160 --> 00:22:20,440 LAUGHTER 381 00:22:20,440 --> 00:22:24,440 This is unacceptable. Unacceptable! 382 00:22:25,640 --> 00:22:28,520 Silence. 383 00:22:28,520 --> 00:22:32,520 Silence! Silence! You, silence! 384 00:22:33,040 --> 00:22:37,040 PF-F-FFRT! 385 00:22:48,360 --> 00:22:52,360 I do apologise again. 386 00:22:58,000 --> 00:23:02,000 If I ever, ever see your face in this office again... 387 00:23:02,440 --> 00:23:04,520 Get out! 388 00:23:04,520 --> 00:23:05,760 GET OUT! 389 00:23:05,760 --> 00:23:09,760 GET OUT! 390 00:23:11,600 --> 00:23:12,920 Did she expel you? 391 00:23:12,920 --> 00:23:13,560 For what? 392 00:23:13,560 --> 00:23:15,880 Well, getting your cock out in Assembly. 393 00:23:15,880 --> 00:23:18,280 I'm guessing, but it's possibly frowned upon. 394 00:23:18,280 --> 00:23:19,560 Even in the state sector. 395 00:23:19,560 --> 00:23:22,480 She understood the bind I was in. I was doing what I was told. 396 00:23:22,480 --> 00:23:23,520 Very accommodating. 397 00:23:23,520 --> 00:23:27,080 There was something about removing my bollocks with a monkey wrench 398 00:23:27,080 --> 00:23:28,560 if she ever saw them again. 399 00:23:28,560 --> 00:23:31,720 I think we reached an understanding. 400 00:23:31,720 --> 00:23:33,480 Right. To business. 401 00:23:33,480 --> 00:23:34,520 You mean education? 402 00:23:34,520 --> 00:23:35,600 You mean education? Women, JJ. 403 00:23:35,600 --> 00:23:36,680 Women? 404 00:23:36,680 --> 00:23:40,440 Um... I mean, I feel like we might be... 405 00:23:40,440 --> 00:23:44,440 I don't want to sort of run before I can walk... 406 00:23:46,880 --> 00:23:48,480 Wow. 407 00:23:48,480 --> 00:23:52,480 Girls! 408 00:23:54,960 --> 00:23:56,400 There's a lot of them. 409 00:23:56,400 --> 00:23:58,640 Yep. 410 00:23:58,640 --> 00:24:01,360 So much choice. It's disconcerting. 411 00:24:01,360 --> 00:24:04,760 No, it's just a matter of sorting out the wheat from the chavs. 412 00:24:04,760 --> 00:24:08,480 Ah, there we are. 413 00:24:08,480 --> 00:24:12,160 And the wolf shall lie down with the lamb. 414 00:24:12,160 --> 00:24:14,360 You think she'd lie down with me? 415 00:24:14,360 --> 00:24:16,920 BOTH: No! 416 00:24:16,920 --> 00:24:20,280 Yeah? Well, that line is wrong and popularly misquoted. 417 00:24:20,280 --> 00:24:23,240 It should read: 'The wolf also shall dwell with the lamb, 418 00:24:23,240 --> 00:24:25,640 'and the leopard shall lie down with the kid, 419 00:24:25,640 --> 00:24:29,120 'and the lion and the calf together and a little child shall lead them.' 420 00:24:29,120 --> 00:24:33,120 Yeah. We'll try and pick the bones out of that, J. 421 00:24:33,760 --> 00:24:35,920 I could show her one of my magic tricks. 422 00:24:35,920 --> 00:24:37,560 Dad says it's an ice-breaker. 423 00:24:37,560 --> 00:24:39,240 Yeah? Let's try that out, then, 424 00:24:39,240 --> 00:24:43,040 before we go leaping in, and we can see who gets the fatted calf, right? 425 00:24:43,040 --> 00:24:44,080 OK. 426 00:24:44,080 --> 00:24:45,240 Yeah, you. 427 00:24:45,240 --> 00:24:49,240 Darling, my mate wants to try out his pick-up routine on you. That OK? 428 00:24:49,240 --> 00:24:51,800 Hey. Hi, I'm JJ. 429 00:24:51,800 --> 00:24:54,200 Pack of cards. Nothing funny about them. 430 00:24:54,200 --> 00:24:58,200 Except one minute they're blue and... 431 00:25:00,320 --> 00:25:02,400 Hi. 432 00:25:02,400 --> 00:25:05,080 Hi. 433 00:25:05,080 --> 00:25:08,560 You don't mind if I take this locker? 434 00:25:08,560 --> 00:25:10,840 You can take anything if you want it enough. 435 00:25:10,840 --> 00:25:14,840 Great. Everything's new and I suppose we should probably, like, 436 00:25:15,520 --> 00:25:17,720 you know, all get to know each other. 437 00:25:17,720 --> 00:25:19,880 Why? 438 00:25:19,880 --> 00:25:21,440 Well, um... 439 00:25:21,440 --> 00:25:24,440 I dunno. 440 00:25:24,440 --> 00:25:27,240 You definitely looked at me this morning, twice. 441 00:25:27,240 --> 00:25:31,240 I just thought, you know, maybe we could get to know each other. 442 00:25:31,680 --> 00:25:33,280 I look at lots of people. 443 00:25:33,280 --> 00:25:37,280 That doesn't mean I want to get to know them. 444 00:25:42,800 --> 00:25:46,240 Do you want me to want to get to know you? 445 00:25:46,240 --> 00:25:48,360 I, er, I wouldn't mind. 446 00:25:48,360 --> 00:25:52,360 Thing is, they want to get to know me too. 447 00:25:54,840 --> 00:25:56,840 They're just wankers. 448 00:25:56,840 --> 00:25:58,560 They're your best friends. 449 00:25:58,560 --> 00:26:00,200 OK, so they're my best friends. 450 00:26:00,200 --> 00:26:01,920 That makes it complicated. 451 00:26:01,920 --> 00:26:05,920 I, um, I was hoping not. 452 00:26:07,000 --> 00:26:10,720 I'm Freddie. 453 00:26:10,720 --> 00:26:14,720 Tell you what, Freddie. 454 00:26:17,040 --> 00:26:18,400 Fill in a form. 455 00:26:18,400 --> 00:26:19,440 What's this? 456 00:26:19,440 --> 00:26:21,400 A list of things we're not allowed to do. 457 00:26:21,400 --> 00:26:25,400 Like that head director said before your bestest mate got his cock out. 458 00:26:25,440 --> 00:26:28,800 I was gonna see if I could tick 'em all before the end of the day. 459 00:26:28,800 --> 00:26:31,640 But this is much more interesting. 460 00:26:31,640 --> 00:26:35,640 First one to fill that out gets to... 461 00:26:37,040 --> 00:26:40,560 ..get to know me. 462 00:26:40,560 --> 00:26:42,240 And no cheating. 463 00:26:42,240 --> 00:26:43,640 I'll need evidence. 464 00:26:43,640 --> 00:26:45,080 OK. 465 00:26:45,080 --> 00:26:47,480 Cos I wouldn't fuck a cheat. 466 00:26:47,480 --> 00:26:51,480 Sorry? 467 00:26:59,280 --> 00:27:02,120 Now watch very closely. > 468 00:27:02,120 --> 00:27:05,600 Oh! Where's it gone? 469 00:27:05,600 --> 00:27:07,400 Presto! 470 00:27:07,400 --> 00:27:07,840 Presto! 471 00:27:07,840 --> 00:27:09,600 Put that away before I lose it. 472 00:27:11,400 --> 00:27:14,920 Yes, that's alarming. So I'll just... 473 00:27:14,920 --> 00:27:16,400 Ha ha! 474 00:27:16,400 --> 00:27:18,840 And the coup de grace. 475 00:27:18,840 --> 00:27:22,840 Prestissimo! 476 00:27:22,920 --> 00:27:26,720 Yeah! 477 00:27:26,720 --> 00:27:30,720 Magic! 478 00:27:31,320 --> 00:27:35,320 Question is, pet, does that make you want to give JJ a blowjob? 479 00:27:37,760 --> 00:27:41,720 Excuse me, are you fucking deaf or something? 480 00:27:41,720 --> 00:27:44,000 So why don't you 481 00:27:44,000 --> 00:27:46,680 give him a blowjob if you love him so much? 482 00:27:46,680 --> 00:27:49,400 Tossers. 483 00:27:49,400 --> 00:27:52,360 Especially you. 484 00:27:52,360 --> 00:27:54,160 Who are we speaking to here? 485 00:27:54,160 --> 00:27:56,800 Pixie's lip reading. I'm telling you what she says. 486 00:27:56,800 --> 00:28:00,760 Right, right. Cool. 487 00:28:00,760 --> 00:28:03,880 She's got tits like choccy Hob Nobs. I'd like to dunk 'em, 488 00:28:03,880 --> 00:28:06,520 suck 'em and lick off the love. 489 00:28:06,520 --> 00:28:07,440 I'm not sure... 490 00:28:07,440 --> 00:28:08,520 Droopy, lardy arse. 491 00:28:08,520 --> 00:28:12,040 Bit spready, bit low slung. You get me? 492 00:28:12,040 --> 00:28:16,040 I think we've stumbled upon a flaw in your thinking. 493 00:28:16,400 --> 00:28:20,400 Listen... I mean, wait. Hang on. 494 00:28:20,560 --> 00:28:23,000 HE GASPS IN PAIN 495 00:28:23,000 --> 00:28:27,000 small-balled arsehole bandit. 496 00:28:29,440 --> 00:28:32,280 She may be deaf, she's also extremely rude. 497 00:28:32,280 --> 00:28:34,400 Yeah. 498 00:28:34,400 --> 00:28:38,400 # SANTOGOLD: Shove It 499 00:28:43,840 --> 00:28:46,640 It's bloody annoying they put us in different forms. 500 00:28:46,640 --> 00:28:48,360 I mean, OK, I'm totally useless 501 00:28:48,360 --> 00:28:51,920 and Mum says I have to do Hair & Beauty, but I'm good at Philosophy. 502 00:28:51,920 --> 00:28:54,760 I can't understand why I can't do Hair and Philosophy. 503 00:28:54,760 --> 00:28:58,160 You can't cos it turns out Hair & Beauty is one subject, not two. 504 00:28:58,160 --> 00:29:00,240 Blooming Nora, how mad is that? 505 00:29:00,240 --> 00:29:02,120 It's inexplicable, Pandora. 506 00:29:02,120 --> 00:29:04,360 Yeah. Inexplicable. 507 00:29:04,360 --> 00:29:06,440 What does inexplicable mean, Eff? 508 00:29:06,440 --> 00:29:07,240 Can't explain. 509 00:29:07,240 --> 00:29:11,240 All right! Suit yourself, then. 510 00:29:19,760 --> 00:29:20,800 Whoa! 511 00:29:20,800 --> 00:29:22,480 Hi, I'm Katie. 512 00:29:22,480 --> 00:29:24,560 I'm Bruno and what do you know? 513 00:29:24,560 --> 00:29:26,520 Hello! 514 00:29:26,520 --> 00:29:27,840 Who's your friend? 515 00:29:27,840 --> 00:29:30,840 Pandora. Wow! You're a corker. 516 00:29:30,840 --> 00:29:32,800 Thanks, um... 517 00:29:32,800 --> 00:29:36,560 It's nice to... I got to go. 518 00:29:36,560 --> 00:29:40,320 Strewth! Do you think he'd do surf and turf with me, Eff? 519 00:29:40,320 --> 00:29:40,760 I'll ask. 520 00:29:40,760 --> 00:29:44,120 Gotta go. Lesson one, practical skills. 521 00:29:44,120 --> 00:29:46,360 Filing our nails - handy! 522 00:29:46,360 --> 00:29:50,360 I'm Pandora. I'm useless. 523 00:29:51,400 --> 00:29:52,560 Cute. 524 00:29:52,560 --> 00:29:55,480 I'm Katie, that's my sister. 525 00:29:55,480 --> 00:29:58,840 Aren't you Effy Stonem? Haven't you got a really cool brother? 526 00:29:58,840 --> 00:30:00,200 Yeah, he's cool. 527 00:30:00,200 --> 00:30:02,720 All my friends fancied him. I wasn't so fussed. 528 00:30:02,720 --> 00:30:05,600 Didn't he go mental? Anyway I've got a boyfriend. 529 00:30:05,600 --> 00:30:07,520 He plays for Bristol Rover reserves. 530 00:30:07,520 --> 00:30:09,000 Impressive. 531 00:30:09,000 --> 00:30:11,480 Yeah. He's well lush. Let's sit together. 532 00:30:11,480 --> 00:30:13,160 We can chat because, you know... 533 00:30:13,160 --> 00:30:16,160 We're the best-looking in here, really. Sorry but we are. 534 00:30:16,160 --> 00:30:19,040 We should hang out. Definitely. 535 00:30:19,040 --> 00:30:21,000 Oh, no, here it comes. 536 00:30:21,000 --> 00:30:25,000 Total lezzer bitch. 537 00:30:28,040 --> 00:30:32,040 Excuse me. 538 00:30:33,320 --> 00:30:37,320 Like, don't talk to her. She tried to snog my sister at middle school. 539 00:30:37,480 --> 00:30:41,480 Pervy. Don't you think, Eff? 540 00:30:43,000 --> 00:30:45,880 Watch out, Katie. I might get confused 541 00:30:45,880 --> 00:30:49,880 and fuck you with my big strap-on by mistake. 542 00:30:52,040 --> 00:30:54,200 Muff-munching bitch. 543 00:30:54,200 --> 00:30:55,560 Just jumped on you, didn't she... 544 00:30:55,560 --> 00:30:57,000 Leave it, Katie. 545 00:30:57,000 --> 00:30:58,160 Whatever. 546 00:30:58,160 --> 00:31:00,200 Come on. 547 00:31:00,200 --> 00:31:02,440 We'll get the best seats, yeah? 548 00:31:02,440 --> 00:31:06,120 So, you the doormat, then? 549 00:31:06,120 --> 00:31:08,520 Sort of. 550 00:31:08,520 --> 00:31:12,520 Interesting, that you just put up with that. 551 00:31:13,480 --> 00:31:16,440 Yeah. 552 00:31:16,440 --> 00:31:19,200 It's a challenging list. You gotta give her that. 553 00:31:19,200 --> 00:31:21,280 Sex in school. Tricky. 554 00:31:21,280 --> 00:31:23,720 Guys, we are now seven minutes - 555 00:31:23,720 --> 00:31:26,520 57, 58, 59 - eight minutes late for form induction. 556 00:31:26,520 --> 00:31:28,840 Shut up, will you, JJ? 557 00:31:28,840 --> 00:31:30,560 Do you think she's serious? 558 00:31:30,560 --> 00:31:34,000 There's only one way to find out. 559 00:31:34,000 --> 00:31:35,960 Wait a minute. You're not gonna... 560 00:31:35,960 --> 00:31:38,160 I've already got 'teacher abuse' ticked. 561 00:31:38,160 --> 00:31:42,160 And how! Your cock should not be that colour. > 562 00:31:42,560 --> 00:31:46,000 The game is on, Freddie. You wanna play? 563 00:31:46,000 --> 00:31:47,280 Don't be stupid. 564 00:31:47,280 --> 00:31:49,280 Tell you what, girls like Stupid. 565 00:31:49,280 --> 00:31:50,760 Ain't you worked that out? 566 00:31:50,760 --> 00:31:54,000 And McFly. Girls like McFly. > 567 00:31:54,000 --> 00:31:58,000 She's a naughty, naughty little girl and I don't like to disappoint. 568 00:32:01,240 --> 00:32:03,920 Eh? 569 00:32:03,920 --> 00:32:07,760 Someone's left their shit in here. 570 00:32:07,760 --> 00:32:08,800 Yeah! 571 00:32:08,800 --> 00:32:10,120 Nice! 572 00:32:10,120 --> 00:32:11,840 Check this out! 573 00:32:11,840 --> 00:32:14,920 Oh, my god. Cook, I'm not sure if that's legal. 574 00:32:14,920 --> 00:32:16,880 Oh, that's definitely not legal! 575 00:32:16,880 --> 00:32:20,400 Dunno who this Sid guy was but he's got fucking great taste in gash. 576 00:32:20,400 --> 00:32:22,440 I can't look. Don't make me look. 577 00:32:22,440 --> 00:32:24,040 I have to look. Oh, holy shit! 578 00:32:24,040 --> 00:32:27,200 That's forbidden. Forbidden, verboten, interdit. JJ! 579 00:32:27,200 --> 00:32:30,400 Prohibido, prohibido! JJ! JJ! 580 00:32:30,400 --> 00:32:33,280 I'm sorry. Was I getting locked on, there? 581 00:32:33,280 --> 00:32:34,360 Locked on, JJ. 582 00:32:34,360 --> 00:32:35,400 OK. 583 00:32:35,400 --> 00:32:38,760 I'm all right. I'm fine. But can I just remind you, 584 00:32:38,760 --> 00:32:41,520 in a casual, non-locked-on way, that we're late? 585 00:32:41,520 --> 00:32:44,520 We're late, we're late, we're late! 586 00:32:44,520 --> 00:32:46,160 JJ! 587 00:32:46,160 --> 00:32:49,040 Sorry. I'm fine. 588 00:32:49,040 --> 00:32:50,480 We going? 589 00:32:50,480 --> 00:32:53,280 Hang on. 590 00:32:53,280 --> 00:32:54,320 Shoot me. Huh? 591 00:32:54,320 --> 00:32:58,320 The fucking camera. Go on. 592 00:32:59,040 --> 00:33:00,120 Right, action. 593 00:33:00,120 --> 00:33:02,000 Cook, what the fuck are you doing? 594 00:33:02,000 --> 00:33:06,000 Action. Do it, man! 595 00:33:16,000 --> 00:33:19,320 I was saving this for lunch but what the fuck? 596 00:33:19,320 --> 00:33:21,080 Cheers! 597 00:33:32,360 --> 00:33:33,440 Fuck me. 598 00:33:33,440 --> 00:33:37,440 Christ. 599 00:33:38,520 --> 00:33:40,440 Sorted. 600 00:33:40,440 --> 00:33:42,760 You are fucking mental. 601 00:33:42,760 --> 00:33:45,080 Mental is as mental does. 602 00:33:45,080 --> 00:33:46,760 But we're late. 603 00:33:46,760 --> 00:33:50,760 Shall we? 604 00:33:51,160 --> 00:33:52,280 Let's go. 605 00:33:52,280 --> 00:33:55,600 Come on, run! 606 00:33:55,600 --> 00:33:59,440 So, you see, they don't mean it. 607 00:33:59,440 --> 00:34:01,200 That's what you have to remember. 608 00:34:01,200 --> 00:34:02,840 They're just kids. 609 00:34:02,840 --> 00:34:05,080 Kids! Yes? 610 00:34:05,080 --> 00:34:07,720 I, um, I suppose so. 611 00:34:07,720 --> 00:34:09,440 They don't mean it. 612 00:34:09,440 --> 00:34:11,200 Have you ever fallen off a horse? 613 00:34:11,200 --> 00:34:12,400 Huh? 614 00:34:12,400 --> 00:34:16,400 You have to drink your milk and get straight back on that horse. 615 00:34:16,760 --> 00:34:18,720 OK? Back. Yes? 616 00:34:18,720 --> 00:34:20,120 Uggy uggy uggy! 617 00:34:20,120 --> 00:34:21,160 What? 618 00:34:21,160 --> 00:34:24,560 Kids. Cheeky, immature. 619 00:34:24,560 --> 00:34:26,600 Harmless. They can't hurt you. OK? 620 00:34:26,600 --> 00:34:28,080 OK. They can't hurt me. 621 00:34:28,080 --> 00:34:30,800 Good girl. 622 00:34:30,800 --> 00:34:31,800 Saddle up! 623 00:34:31,800 --> 00:34:35,800 (WINCES) 624 00:34:47,200 --> 00:34:49,240 ARGH! 625 00:34:49,240 --> 00:34:53,240 FIRE BELL RINGS 626 00:35:00,000 --> 00:35:03,440 Across firmly and round it off. 627 00:35:03,440 --> 00:35:06,480 Across firmly and round it off. 628 00:35:06,480 --> 00:35:09,680 Across firmly and round it off. 629 00:35:09,680 --> 00:35:12,560 Across firmly and round it off. 630 00:35:12,560 --> 00:35:15,840 Across firmly and round it off. 631 00:35:15,840 --> 00:35:19,480 Across firmly and round it off. 632 00:35:19,480 --> 00:35:23,040 Across firmly and round it off. 633 00:35:23,040 --> 00:35:25,680 Across firmly and round it off. 634 00:35:25,680 --> 00:35:28,040 Across firmly and round it off. 635 00:35:28,040 --> 00:35:32,040 Across firmly... 636 00:35:34,240 --> 00:35:37,720 Smooth the cuticle, push. 637 00:35:37,720 --> 00:35:41,720 Smooth the cuticle, push. 638 00:35:41,840 --> 00:35:44,120 Remember to breathe. 639 00:35:44,120 --> 00:35:46,600 Smooth the cuticle. 640 00:35:46,600 --> 00:35:48,280 Push. 641 00:35:48,280 --> 00:35:51,360 Smooth the cuticle. 642 00:35:51,360 --> 00:35:53,600 Push. Yes. 643 00:35:53,600 --> 00:35:55,000 I'm sorry... 644 00:35:55,000 --> 00:35:57,000 We're filing. What is it? 645 00:35:57,000 --> 00:35:59,760 Well, um, blimey this is fascinating. 646 00:35:59,760 --> 00:36:01,920 Mega fun. But the thing is... 647 00:36:01,920 --> 00:36:03,120 I have to get out of here. 648 00:36:03,120 --> 00:36:05,280 Sorry? 649 00:36:05,280 --> 00:36:09,280 I have to go because I've got three super-duper zits coming on. 650 00:36:09,760 --> 00:36:10,920 GASPING 651 00:36:10,920 --> 00:36:13,400 They're like...proper seepers. 652 00:36:13,400 --> 00:36:14,880 Oh, my God! 653 00:36:14,880 --> 00:36:16,120 Yes, Go! Go! 654 00:36:16,120 --> 00:36:18,160 For God's sake go! Refresh and moisturise. 655 00:36:18,160 --> 00:36:19,880 Don't waste a second. 656 00:36:19,880 --> 00:36:23,880 Yes. Refresh and... I'm on it! 657 00:36:26,760 --> 00:36:30,760 Smooth the cuticle. Push. 658 00:36:36,240 --> 00:36:40,240 Blooming 'eck. It's big out here. 659 00:36:55,920 --> 00:36:58,240 Right. 660 00:36:58,240 --> 00:37:02,240 Um... Now we've gotta... 661 00:37:03,480 --> 00:37:07,480 Christ. 662 00:37:08,200 --> 00:37:11,480 Fuck it. 663 00:37:11,480 --> 00:37:13,240 OK. Fuck, fuck, fuck. 664 00:37:13,240 --> 00:37:17,240 Um... OK. Whatever... 665 00:37:18,360 --> 00:37:20,880 We've gotta stand up, 666 00:37:20,880 --> 00:37:24,880 say our names and a unique fact about ourselves. 667 00:37:26,280 --> 00:37:29,320 Right. I'll start. 668 00:37:29,320 --> 00:37:31,960 Christ. 669 00:37:31,960 --> 00:37:35,960 I'm Kieran and I hate being a fucking teacher. You. 670 00:37:40,000 --> 00:37:43,520 Um... I'm JJ and with regard to mathematic aptitude 671 00:37:43,520 --> 00:37:47,200 I'm in the top 0.3% of the population which is an interesting 672 00:37:47,200 --> 00:37:50,440 demographic statistic because paradoxically my communication, 673 00:37:50,440 --> 00:37:53,600 interpersonal and intuitive skills are towards the lower quartiles. 674 00:37:53,600 --> 00:37:57,600 Yeah. You've stopped me in my fucking tracks there, yeah. You. 675 00:37:59,880 --> 00:38:01,840 I'm Katie. 676 00:38:01,840 --> 00:38:03,960 I've never not had a boyfriend since I was seven. 677 00:38:03,960 --> 00:38:07,960 Congratulations. You. 678 00:38:09,960 --> 00:38:12,480 I'm Emily. 679 00:38:12,480 --> 00:38:13,840 I've never had a boyfriend. 680 00:38:13,840 --> 00:38:17,160 Shit happens. You. 681 00:38:17,160 --> 00:38:19,680 I'm Naomi. 682 00:38:19,680 --> 00:38:21,440 I hate injustice. 683 00:38:21,440 --> 00:38:23,720 People tell lies about me. 684 00:38:23,720 --> 00:38:25,560 You at the back. 685 00:38:25,560 --> 00:38:27,360 I'm Kumir. I'm gay. 686 00:38:27,360 --> 00:38:31,040 Yup. Good. You. 687 00:38:31,040 --> 00:38:34,720 I'm Max, and both my parents are artists. 688 00:38:34,720 --> 00:38:38,600 Great. I'm very very happy for you. What about you? With the bling. 689 00:38:38,600 --> 00:38:41,520 I'm Effy. 690 00:38:41,520 --> 00:38:43,920 And I think my mum's having an affair. 691 00:38:43,920 --> 00:38:47,480 Good one. Shows enterprise. 692 00:38:47,480 --> 00:38:50,120 What about you, big man? 693 00:38:50,120 --> 00:38:52,600 I'm Freddie. 694 00:38:52,600 --> 00:38:54,520 I met a girl I like today. 695 00:38:54,520 --> 00:38:57,600 She's like... 696 00:38:57,600 --> 00:39:01,600 Beautiful. 697 00:39:02,080 --> 00:39:04,000 That's it. 698 00:39:04,000 --> 00:39:07,920 That's it? That's your unique fact? That's just great. 699 00:39:07,920 --> 00:39:11,880 Fascinating, Freddie, thank you for that. What about you? 700 00:39:11,880 --> 00:39:15,600 I'm Katie and I had Frosties for breakfast. 701 00:39:15,600 --> 00:39:18,480 Frosties, that's product placement in my opinion. 702 00:39:18,480 --> 00:39:20,880 You there at the back beside the wee gay man? 703 00:39:20,880 --> 00:39:23,240 My name's Nathan and seven members 704 00:39:23,240 --> 00:39:26,200 of my immediate family have been on Crimewatch. 705 00:39:26,200 --> 00:39:28,320 Brilliant, what a year this is gonna be. 706 00:39:28,320 --> 00:39:29,400 Kieran? Yes. 707 00:39:29,400 --> 00:39:31,320 I'm feeling rather shit. 708 00:39:31,320 --> 00:39:33,160 I think I need to go to the Nurse's office. 709 00:39:33,160 --> 00:39:35,200 Oh, yeah? OK. Go on then. 710 00:39:35,200 --> 00:39:36,960 Right. Where were we? 711 00:39:36,960 --> 00:39:39,640 Oh, stuff it. 712 00:39:39,640 --> 00:39:43,520 Let's just watch a DVD about... 713 00:39:43,520 --> 00:39:45,000 Oh, Christ. 714 00:39:45,000 --> 00:39:49,000 "How To Be Inclusive". Holy Mother of divine shite, who makes up this shit? 715 00:39:49,120 --> 00:39:51,960 Actually, Kieran, I'm not feeling too well either. 716 00:39:51,960 --> 00:39:55,160 My balls are aching. I might have to go and see that nurse. 717 00:39:55,160 --> 00:39:56,200 Right! Bugger off then. 718 00:39:56,200 --> 00:39:57,680 Cheers, Kieran. 719 00:39:57,680 --> 00:40:01,680 See if she can laser Jordan off them. 720 00:40:02,400 --> 00:40:06,400 OK. Right, how the fuck does this... 721 00:40:12,800 --> 00:40:15,120 Hey. Can I be in this class? 722 00:40:15,120 --> 00:40:16,680 I don't like mine. 723 00:40:16,680 --> 00:40:20,080 Why not? Make up the numbers. You doing some A levels? 724 00:40:20,080 --> 00:40:22,760 One, please. Philosophy. 725 00:40:22,760 --> 00:40:24,200 OK, sit down. 726 00:40:24,200 --> 00:40:27,520 When you've worked out the point of living, come and fucking tell me. 727 00:40:27,520 --> 00:40:31,000 Whizzer! 728 00:40:31,000 --> 00:40:35,000 Where's Effy? 729 00:40:40,560 --> 00:40:44,560 They don't have a nurse. 730 00:40:45,480 --> 00:40:48,480 I just gotta get drugs. 731 00:40:48,480 --> 00:40:52,480 And sex. 732 00:41:51,040 --> 00:41:52,920 Grab my balls! Grab my balls! 733 00:41:52,920 --> 00:41:53,360 MOANING 734 00:41:53,360 --> 00:41:55,280 Grab my balls! 735 00:41:55,280 --> 00:41:57,720 Grab my balls! 736 00:41:57,720 --> 00:42:01,000 Grab my balls! Grab my balls! 737 00:42:01,000 --> 00:42:05,000 MOANING AND GRUNTING 738 00:42:06,080 --> 00:42:10,080 SCREAMING 739 00:42:34,120 --> 00:42:37,200 # Teach me to learn to lose myself 740 00:42:37,200 --> 00:42:40,080 # My finger was pricked by someone else 741 00:42:40,080 --> 00:42:43,400 # Pull my blood up through a mixer straw 742 00:42:43,400 --> 00:42:46,800 # Spread the words all over the neighbour's lawn 743 00:42:46,800 --> 00:42:49,600 # Don't cry for sleeping kittens 744 00:42:49,600 --> 00:42:52,800 # Cos they won't die today 745 00:42:52,800 --> 00:42:56,000 # We'll cover them with flowers 746 00:42:56,000 --> 00:42:58,080 # They dream their dreams away 747 00:42:58,080 --> 00:43:00,360 # Disconnect the feeling factory 748 00:43:00,360 --> 00:43:03,520 # Put your tongue up to my battery 749 00:43:03,520 --> 00:43:06,920 # Things are so much smoother when we lie 750 00:43:06,920 --> 00:43:09,600 # Crush your cigarettes out on an orange sky 751 00:43:09,600 --> 00:43:13,240 # Lose sleep for sleeping children 752 00:43:13,240 --> 00:43:17,240 # Throw your branch away 753 00:43:17,240 --> 00:43:19,200 # The bees they buzzed so loudly 754 00:43:19,200 --> 00:43:23,040 # That I just couldn't stay 755 00:43:23,040 --> 00:43:27,040 # I just couldn't stay 756 00:43:28,720 --> 00:43:32,720 # Awaiting an audience 757 00:43:34,400 --> 00:43:38,400 # Awaiting an audience 758 00:43:40,160 --> 00:43:44,160 # Awaiting an audience 759 00:43:46,120 --> 00:43:50,120 # Awaiting an audience... # 760 00:44:10,360 --> 00:44:14,360 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 53042

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