All language subtitles for S03E11.Santas.Village.of.the.Damned.WebDL.720p[KoTuWa].English

English Subtitles.
Two and a Half Men S03E11 - Santa's Village of the Damned - Web-DL [KoTuWa]

- Good morning.
- Morning.

Charlie, right?

Well, I guess it's too late to deny it.

Would you like some coffee?

Sure...

...I would.

You have a beautiful house.

Thank you...

...so much.

My name's Sandy.

Yes, of course it is.

How could I forget?
Sandy like the beach, or the Koufax.

- Pardon me?
- You know, Sandy Koufax.

Great Dodger pitcher,
hall-of-famer... Never mind.

So, Sandy...

...how did you sleep?

Just fine. How about you?

Great. Like a drunk baby.

Are you hungry?

Not yet. Maybe after I throw up.

What did you do last night?

I was hoping you could fill me in.

There's my little Sandy beach.

Good morning, Alley-Oop.

Oh, thank God. I was afraid
I was gonna have to quit drinking.

So, what do you think of Sandy?

Arguably the greatest southpaw
in the history of baseball.

My Sandy.

I don't know,
I've never seen her pitch.

- But she sure can cook.
- Well, guess how we met.

I suppose we can rule out
Dodger Stadium.

In cooking class.

You've been taking a class?

- Where do you think I go every Tuesday?
- You're not here on Tuesday nights?

No, I'm in cooking class.
And guess who's the teacher?

- Who?
- Sandy.

Who's Sandy?

That's Sandy.

Great story.

- Alan is my star pupil.
- And you are my star teacher.

So cute.

Yo.

- Can I have some more bacon?
- Oh, in a jiff.

My mother always said,
"A well-fed man is a happy man."

Our mother always said, "Here's
10 bucks for pizza, don't wait up."

Oh, that reminds me, she called
and invited us for Christmas.

- You told her yes, right?
- Absolutely.

You and I were going
to spend Christmas together.

We are.

- But you're going to your mother's.
- What gave you that idea?

You see, Sandy,
it's kind of a family tradition.

Our mother invites us even though
she doesn't want us to come.

We say yes
even though we don't wanna go.

When we don't show,
though she's relieved...

...she gets to complain
about what horrible children she has.

It's the perfect gift.

Christmas is supposed to be about
spending time with your loved ones.

Yeah, going to our mother's
would cut into that.

Alan gets to spend it with his son and I
get to play Stuff the Stocking in Vegas...

...with a couple
of saline-enhanced elves.

Does this mean
that I'm finally going to meet your son?

I guess it does.

Gosh, I so hope he likes me.

The way you cook...

...the only problem is gonna be
keeping him from humping your leg.

That's the sheets.

If you fold them while they're warm,
they don't wrinkle.

Beauty, sex, cooking, laundry.

Marriage, boredom, alimony, death.

You are such a cynic.

- And you are such a sap.
- How am I a sap?

- Are you blind? She's a nester.
- What's that supposed to mean?

She throws you some tail,
a couple of pieces of bacon...

...and bibbidi-bobbidi-boo,
got a roommate.

"Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo"?
Isn't that from Cinderella?

You don't think
that bitch was a nester?

Anyway, I find that a couple of drops
of lemon juice on the dryer sheet...

...really freshens up the whole load.

Really? I find that just a couple Valiums
in my coffee...

...keeps me from snapping necks.

Well, hold this, please...

...I'm just going to pop these on the bed
while they're still warm and toasty.

So which one of you guys is slipping
the high hard one to Martha Stewart?

Hey, Brandi. It's Charlie Harper.

I'm coming to Vegas for Christmas...

...and was wondering if you and your
sister wanted to celebrate again.

Harper.

Oh, wait, it's possible that you
remember me as Dr. Philip Gonzalez.

Right.

Yeah, hola.

Anyway, I'm sitting here making
vacation plans and I'm thinking:

"Where better to commemorate the birth
of our lord than Caesar's Palace?"

Hey, Charlie. Hungry?

Hold on, Brandi.

- Not really, but listen...
- Last chance.

I'm gonna start dinner
so the kitchen's gonna be off limits.

- But it's my kitchen.
- So?

I just thought it was important
to point out.

You're so cute.

Look, Brandi, talk to your sister, work up
an estimate and I'll call you back.

Oh, hi, Berta.
Oh, I've got a surprise for you.

- A mini-blind brush.
- A what?

I don't think Alan's blinds
have been dusted.

Probably because
you didn't have the proper tool.

Gee, thanks.

- We gotta talk.
- I'm on it.

You better be,
or else she's gonna be on it.

Because now I have the proper tool.

- Hey, listen.
- You had your chance, Charlie.

- If you're hungry, take a pudding cup.
- I don't want a pudding cup.

- We need to establish ground rules.
- Oh, okay, I'm listening.

Okay, well, first of all,
Berta's been with me for a long time.

And what she lacks
in housekeeping skills...

...she more than makes up for
in upper-body strength.

What's that?

- Rack of lamb.
- Really?

- You're making that for us?
- Yep.

With roasted baby potatoes
and caramelized carrots.

Anyway, anyway.

Ground rules.

I wanna be supportive
of you and Alan...

Sorry. One quick question.
Chocolate or raspberry souffl�?

- It doesn't matter, the point is...
- I'll just make raspberry.

Actually, I prefer chocolate.

Chocolate it is.

Now, why don't I mix you up
a little cocktail...

- ...and you can take a nap before dinner?
- A nap would be nice.

Can I still have the pudding cup?

Okay, but just one.

I don't want you spoiling your appetite
before dinner.

Thank you.

Go on.

- Well?
- Good news.

We're having rack of lamb.

Oh, no.

I'm hungry. Where's Sandy?

She went to get a honey-baked ham
for Christmas Eve dinner.

Honey-baked ham.

I find it a little ironic that despite your
warnings about her nesting instincts...

...you haven't missed a single one
of her meals.

Yeah, I'm a master of irony.

- I thought you were going to Vegas.
- Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?

Then you'd have the whole ham
to yourself.

You should talk, Porky.

Who took the lasagna
under the deck...

...so we wouldn't see him eat it
all himself?

Who made a meatloaf sandwich
by taking a slice of meatloaf...

...and putting it between
two other slices of meatloaf?

I am cutting down on carbs.

Yeah, it's working for you.

When's the last time you looked down
in the shower and saw your testicles?

I don't need to see them.
I know they're there.

And what about you?
What do you call this?

Goodyear or Pirelli?

This, my chunky friend,
is water weight.

Water weight.

It's genetic. I retain water.

You also retain German chocolate cake,
lamb stew and Belgian waffles.

Hey, people who live in fat asses
shouldn't throw waffles.

Don't talk about my ass.

I am very self-conscious about my ass.

I'm... I'm sorry.

I'm just lashing out
because I haven't eaten in 75 minutes.

Want some of Sandy's
homemade fudge?

Don't play with me, Alan.

- You've got fudge up here?
- Close your eyes.

Okay.

Fudge.

You know what would be great?

Honey-baked fudge.

Or...

...fudge-covered ham.

Well, I'm really happy we get
to spend Christmas together.

We don't have to go
to your mom's, do we?

Don't be silly.

Hey, you hungry?

- I could eat.
- Well, you're gonna.

Can we order Chinese
like we did last year?

No, this year we're gonna
do something a little more traditional.

Deli?

No, we're gonna have a real,
home-cooked Christmas dinner.

Whose home?

- Our home.
- How?

Well, I am dating a lady who's
gonna make us a wonderful dinner.

Oh, okay.

Are you at all curious?

Yeah, a little.

Okay, you can ask me any question
and I'll try and answer it for you.

What are we having?

No, about the lady.

No, not really.

Well, I just want you to know
that I really like her...

...and you're probably gonna
be seeing her a lot.

Do I have to like her?

- Well, of course not.
- Then I probably won't.

Why would you say that?

We're very different people, Dad.

So true.

Is she gonna be staying over?

- Yes.
- Where is she gonna sleep?

In my room.

Okay.

Just remember, the walls are thin
and I'm impressionable.

Hey, what are you doing out here?

I thought I should prepare you.

For what?

Alan.

Remember what I told you
about nesters?

Yeah.

Well, some are hummingbirds,
some are robins.

But you, my friend...

...you've got yourself a partridge
in a freaking pear tree.

- Sandy did all this?
- Yep.

I think it's cool.
It's like an amusement park.

Yeah, Six Flags
Over Crazy-Ass-Chick Land.

This cannot be Jake.

You're too grown-up-looking.

Yeah, thanks.
Are those for anybody?

Help yourselves.

Gingerbread.

Jake, you can help me
in the kitchen.

I'm making chocolate �clairs
and I need an official taster.

I like her.

Will you look at that?
They're bonding already.

Alan, your kid would join the Taliban aliban
if they made their own s'mores.

- So when did she do all this decorating?
- Hard to say.

- Everything was normal until lunchtime.
- Oh, I missed lunch.

What did you have?

She made me a bacon, lettuce
and tomato sandwich...

...with garlic mayonnaise
on sourdough toast.

Oh, damn.

Anyway, after lunch I took
a little nap...

...and woke up
in Santa's Village of the Damned.

Why do you have to be so cynical?

There is nothing wrong with decorating
your home to show a little holiday spirit.

But it's not her home, is it?

Well, no.

- Whose home is it, Alan?
- Okay, fine, I will have a talk with her.

- Hold it.
- What?

After dinner, you nimrod.

Anybody have room for another �clair?

Not unless I unbutton my pants.

Mine are already unbuttoned.

I took mine off when she brought out
the marshmallow yams.

Okay, then. What do you say
we all go into the living room...

...and sing some Christmas carols?

- You mean stand up?
- I don't think I can.

I'm not wearing pants.

Come on, you guys,
what's Christmas without caroling?

Hanukkah?

Sandy? Something wrong?

Who moved the reindeer?

I don't know that one, but I'll wing it.

Who moved the reindeer?
The savior's come

He's coming to check on the rein...

No, no, no.

- These reindeer.
- What about them?

Donner and Blitzen are out of order.

- Somebody's been playing with them.
- So?

So I wanna know who it was.

- Jake?
- I didn't do it.

Charlie?

Oh, all right, I may have used one
of them as a swizzle stick.

Well, no harm done.

If you must play with them,
please remember...

...it's Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen,
Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen.

Okay.

Donner, Blitzen, Donner, Blitzen,
Donner, Blitzen.

- Got it.
- Say it.

Donner, Blitzen.

Okay, then.

"The Little Drummer Boy."

Donner, Blitzen, Donner, Blitzen.

Alan. Why aren't you asleep?

I don't know.

Just excited about Christmas, I guess.

Well, Santa won't come
while you're awake.

Yeah. Yeah, I've heard that.

Now close your eyes
and let visions of sugarplums...

...dance through your wee little head.

Okay.

- Oh, no.
- What?

I forgot to put out cookies
and milk for Santa.

You're kidding, right?

Do you want coal in your stocking?

That's what you're gonna get if Santa
doesn't find a snack when he comes.

I see.

So you believe in the vengeful,
Old Testament Santa.

Are you mocking Christmas?

No, no, no. You know what?

I'll take care of the milk and cookies.
You just relax and go to sleep.

He sees us when we're sleeping,
you know?

Right.

I don't make the rules.

Okay.

Oh, God, oh, God

Oh, God, oh, God

- Charlie?
- Hang on.

Okay, I'm ready for more pie.

We have a serious problem here.

We're out of pie?

Will you listen?
There's something wrong with Sandy.

Well, didn't we know that
when she agreed to sleep with you?

No, no, even wronger than that.
She actually believes in Santa Claus.

- Really?
- Yeah.

But we still have pie?

- Yes, we still have pie.
- Then what are we doing up here?

I guess I could have a little sliver.

You know what?

I think something's wrong with Sandy.

I just said that.
Do you ever listen to me?

Sandy, sweetheart?

- You okay?
- He's not coming.

Who's not coming? Listen to this.

Santa.

Every year,
I try to make things perfect.

And every year I fail.

Mama was right.

I am a naughty girl.

Come on, Alan.

Where are we going?

I want you to teach this naughty girl
a lesson.

She needs to be punished.

You lucky dog.

What? I'm not going in there.
She's nuts.

Yeah, so?
Sex with crazy chicks is great.

Make sure you pick positions where
you can see what her hands are doing.

No. No, that would be
taking advantage...

...of a mentally unbalanced person.

Oh, Alan, that boat has sailed.

You might as well hop on board
for a farewell cruise.

I don't think so.
It just wouldn't be right.

Come on, Alan, I'm ready.

Good night.

Okay, pie for everybody.

- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.

Are you out of your mind?

You've been nagging us for years
to spend Christmas with you.

Only because I knew
you'd never show up.

Well, we had to get out of the house.

Yeah, the walls are thin
and I'm impressionable.

Hold on. Stanley, put your pants on.
We'll exchange gifts later.

Come on in.

Dear God, look at the size of your ass.

Subtitles by
SDI Media Group

[ENGLISH]