Original subtitles

Where is the mic?

How's my hair, Bob?

Down to White House on a short notice.

And I got a hot date tonight...

We're ready?

Okay

My teeth?

No, no okay

You're on in four, three,

- Camera roll! - Two--

- Hello, I am Signe Bullwinkel here

on top of the White House,

where some very strange things have transpired.

It seems the President was eaten

by some kind of giant flying nose.

Well...

This was supposed to be a celebration

for lost astronaut Earl Jensen

but then all hell broke loose.

My hair!

What's this?

It seems like some kind of giant space chunk has landed.

I'll try and get closer.

- Excuse me, excuse me, I'm with the news.

Watch it, bitch!

Quit pushing.

- I see a door opening,

and the ship is surrounded

by military guards.

What a wuss.

- Well, now it seems some cute little chipmunk

has exited this strange craft.

I don't know what's going on!

It's hell!

Hey, you can't do that,

he's my producer!

My cameraman is dead!

I don't know what's wrong here.

I'm getting out of here!

- Best of luck, Earl.

- Thanks Dr. Frubar.

- Daddy!

Daddy, Daddy, yay!

Daddy, Daddy, whee, whee!

Yay!

Daddy, whee, whee!

Yay, whee, whee!

- Goodbye, Josie.

I love you.

- Goodbye, Daddy.

13, 12, 11, 10,

nine, eight, seven, six,

five, four, three, two, one.

Fire!

Engines at 65%, three engines running normally.

- Separation complete.

He's in orbit.

- Mission control, there's a problem.

I'm showing a massive fuel leak!

- She did it!

She pushed the fuel eject button.

Get this girl out of here.

- Let me go!

I didn't do it!

Let me go!

Let me...

- Earl, this is Dr. F.

As you can see, your fuel is totally gone.

- What happened?

- I'm afraid, Earl, Josie accidentally pushed

the fuel eject button.

But we're working on a solution now.

Send up a ship to save me!

- No can do, Earl.

Here's the deal.

There's no way we can save you.

Look in your secret pouch.

We interrupt this program to go

directly to the U.S. space capsule.

- Come in, Earl Jensen,

in outer space.

- Hello America, my name is Earl Jensen.

I've just learned that my fuel is gone

and I cannot return to Earth.

But don't feel sorry for me.

It's an honor to give my life for my country.

- Okay, now the flag.

- And that great visionary leader

of the Department of Space, Dr. Frubar,

did everything in his power to save my life.

And with his continued

and inspiring leadership,

the conquest and control

of outer space will be ours.

But you can do something.

If we had enough money for our operations,

I would be safe and secure in space.

So please open up your hearts and your pocketbooks

and send money to the Department of Space.

And another tragedy like this

will never happen again.

- Wait, I see it.

Almost...

Got it!

Farewell, and God peed.

- Earl, that's "Godspeed".

Damn it!

Hell, what a tragedy.

Goodbye America,

and goodbye my dearest Josie.

I'll be back, Dr. Frubar.

Count on it.

- Darby.

Ooh!

♪ Get ready, let's go down ♪

Wait Darby, you're supposed to be working.

- But Josie, we're in love.

- Josie, don't be a tramp.

Think of your reputation.

- Josie, grab all the pleasure you can.

Life's too short.

- Josie, you don't want the path of sin and evil. - - Listen to your heart, it's saying,

Fuck me!

Fuck me!

You want him, Josie!

No, you're scared!

It's saying,

"Run away, be a good girl!"

Sister girl, you don't want to live

a tedious life of boredom and solitude.

- Listen to me, Josie. I know what's best for you and your precious soul.

Men want to marry women who are pure.

Why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free?

What a load of horseshit!

Who wants to marry a cow?

You know what your dad always said.

Either you live or you die.

- What do you know?

You are a whore, slut, bitch, street trash,

gutter tramp, pervert!

- And you're a prude, virgin, ice cube,

lesbo, frigid hare, old maid,

muff diver, carrot humper!

How insulting!

You'll burn in hell!

You're the devil!

And you're a skanky penguin bitch!

And you're a sodomite, harlot, wench!

And you're a dyke,

- dairy freeze, tight ass, cobweb crotch! - - And you're a slut, dick-lover,

jism joint, sperm bank, debauched daughter of Satan!

- And you're a carpet-muncher, polar pubes,

snow princess, glacier queen!

- And you're a whore, harlot,

wench, trollop, strumpet!

Your breasts are fake!

- Why, you bitch!

- Okay, Darby,

I'm ready.

What's that?

It's too big!

Wow, it's fantastic.

It can't be.

It is!

- Come on, Josie.

I've got your Big Bang right here.

- Oh, you're a cutie.

Are you married?

Oh, you beast!

Oh, your hot lips!

I'm burning up!

I need a fireman!

Oh, baby!

Put out my fire with your big hose!

Sir, the advertising men are here.

Department of Space.

- Hello, Department of Space?

This is Josie Jensen at the Observatory.

- Listen Josie, why don't you get married

and stop bothering us?

- Trust me.

Check coordinate 6245 and 71102.

Okay, if you insist.

- What a great view.

Oh, come in, gentlemen, come in.

I have something to show you.

Please, watch the screen.

Imagine you're on a date and out pops a screen

the size of Oregon.

Oh Brad, you have bad breath!

For that fresh, minty breath,

use Smiley toothpaste

and kiss your troubles goodbye.

- Damned machine!

Gentlemen, the Adship.

Oh, my little baby!

Oh yeah!

Oh yeah, you're so pretty!

Pretty pretty, pretty!

Oh yeah, pretty, pretty, pretty!

- Sir, the advertising men are waiting.

- Okay Josie, I'm checking your coordinates.

Wow!

Pop it up on the big screen!

Wow, what is it?

A new sun?

A new planet?

- No, it's a fucking asteroid!

- And it's heading our way!

- You've got to call Dr. F!

- Not me!

- Gentlemen, here's your chance to get in on the ground floor

of the most spectacular ad adventure in history.

Now, who's in, for only one billion dollars each?

So, who has the balls to own the world?

This is an opportunity of a lifetime.

So who is up for percentage?

Yeah?

- Dr. F, this is Tomkins, in radar.

- This better be important, Tomkins.

- We've spotted a meteorite,

it's headed toward Earth.

- So, blow it!

- Yes, sir.

- That can't be!

It is!

Stop the missiles!

- Why?

- Yeah, why?

- Because it has a green tail!

- So?

- Yeah, so?

- A green tail means it's made of metal.

And?

- And?

- It's my father's spacecraft! You've got to abort!

- Do not abort.

I repeat, do not abort!

No, yes, no, yes!

- Tomkins!

You abort and you're fired!

- Josie, Josie, I'm waiting!

Josie?

- Are you kidding?

I've got to meet my father!

- Josie!

Wait for me!

Where is he?

- Just follow the streak.

- Sinners, sinners!

You can't ignore Jesus!

You can't forget Jesus!

You can't live without Jesus!

You can't!

You can't!

You can't, you can't!

You can't, you can't!

Hallelujah, hallelujah,

amen brother, amen!

♪ Oh no, you can't ♪

♪ Oh no, you can't ♪

♪ Oh no, you can't ♪

♪ Oh no, you can't ♪

♪ Oh no, you can't ♪

♪ Oh no, you can't ♪

♪ Oh no, you can't ♪

♪ Oh no, you can't ♪

♪ You can't drag race with Jesus ♪

♪ Never could and never will ♪

♪ Can't drag race with Jesus ♪

♪ The roadway to hell ♪

♪ First gear, step on the gas ♪

♪ Second gear, it's way too fast ♪

♪ Third gear, it's gonna blast ♪

♪ Fourth gear, wave bye-bye ♪

♪ Can't drag race with Jesus ♪

♪ The roadway to hell ♪

♪ Oh no, you can't ♪

♪ Oh no, you can't ♪

♪ Oh no, you can't ♪

♪ Oh no, you can't ♪

♪ You can't rock n' roll with Jesus ♪

♪ Not even for fun ♪

♪ Can't rock n' roll with Jesus ♪

♪ The rockin' son of a gun ♪

♪ Take me, Jesus ♪

♪ Roadway to hell ♪

♪ Roadway to hell ♪

♪ Roadway to hell ♪

♪ Roadway to hell ♪

♪ Roadway to hell ♪

♪ Roadway to hell ♪

♪ Roadway to hell ♪

♪ Roadway to hell ♪

♪ Roadway to hell ♪

♪ Roadway to hell ♪

♪ Roadway to hell ♪

♪ Roadway to hell ♪

♪ Roadway to hell ♪

♪ Roadway to hell ♪

- Sinners!

Sinners!

Sinners, sinners, sinners!

Repent to Jesus now!

Repent, repent, repent!

Now I want all of you sinners

to close your sinful eyes

and look up to heaven.

Lord, take me now!

Look out!

Who's that old guy?

- What's he doing?

- Reaching for a gun!

- Look out!

- That's blasphemy!

- Daddy!

Daddy!

- He's the devil!

- Daddy, Daddy?

Daddy!

- Josie?

Josie!

Please...

I must report to Dr. Frubar.

- What happened, Mr. Jensen?

- No, I must see Dr. Frubar.

Where have you been?

- What happened, Mr. Jensen?

Mr. Jensen, what happened?

How did you survive the long ordeal?

- Well, there I was, drifting deeper into outer space.

Huh?

- What a load of bull!

- I don't believe it!

- What a fantasy!

- Please, I need water.

- Josie, let's get him out of here.

He's delirious.

- Wait.

Those were wonderful years.

We worked.

We played.

We loved.

And we prospered.

We'd never been happier.

Then...

They returned.

And so, here I am.

Hello America.

This is my friend, Allen the alien.

Next week, we meet the President.

and Dr. Frubar at the White House.

And I'm looking forward

to introducing him to Dr. Frubar.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the President of the United States!

- Thank you.

I have a few introductory remarks.

As you all know, although I grew up in abject poverty,

we never knew we were poor.

My dear blessed mother, she sacrificed,

working three jobs, and still served hot, nutritious

meals full of love and tenderness,

with never a cross word

or a slap across the face.

Oh, havens, oh!

Oh, poop in a handbag!

I'm happy to welcome mad adventurer, explorer,

astronaut, that great American,

Earl Jensen.

- It's great to be here,

in front of all of America.

But I was told the great Dr. Frubar would be here

to introduce me.

I know you're out there, Dr. F.

Please come out and share my glory.

If you don't come up here,

I'm going to get angry.

- Relax, Earl. I'm sure that everything

will work out just peachy and fine.

- Come on up here, Dr. F.

Dr. F, your President's life is in danger.

Come on up here, or the President is history!

- He can't do that, that's the President of the US!

Mr. President, hang on, I'm coming!

- It's a trap!

Boris, come back!

- The President's been eaten by a nose.

Well, check the regulations.

- Come on up here, or the President is history!

Come on, Dr. F.

- Daddy, what's going on?

Let the President go or I'll fire! - Help!

Help!

- What the hell is that?

- Boris, you damned fool!

Get up there, now!

Earl, I don't know what you are up to,

but it's not going to work.

Daddy, he's the man who dumped your fuel!

And you, where is my finger?

No, no!

- America, this is the real Dr. Frubar.

He left me in space to...

- Let's here it for our brave hero, Earl Jensen.

America owes so much to this great man.

Also, I am proud to announce the launching

of my greatest achievement,

the Adship!

Quick!

Fly me out of here!

Helicopter mode!

You're fired!

If you want something done right...

You bastards!

You're hitting my limo!

- Daddy!

Let's go!

- Dr. Frubar!

Dr. Frubar!

Damn.

They're escaping!

- Daddy, who are those monsters?

- Come on, Josie, we gotta get out of here.

- Daddy, what's going on?

Who are those creatures?

- Those creatures saved my life out in space.

And now we've got to help them.

Look!

Look out!

- Look, there's Darby!

- Josie, you're crazy!

- Darby, you've got to crash the dome

and let the aliens escape.

- Are you nuts?

They're killers!

- Do you love me?

- You know I love you, but Josie...

I wish we can have a normal, deep relationship.

- You want depth?

- Hey!

♪ Now your world's a stage and it's a ball ♪

- Do you love me, Josie?

You're not just using me?

- No, Darby, you know better than that!

Come on, Darby, go for it!

Save the aliens!

- I don't know if this is the proper time, but...

Darby, wake up!

Darby!

Darby!

- Hold fire!

You're hitting my Adship!

Get up there!

- I can't, sir, I'm afraid of heights!

- Get up there!

- If we can get to that cloud bank, we'll be okay.

- Daddy, what's going on?

Who are those creatures?

- Remember, long ago, when I was drifting into space?

- Find him and kill him!

Kill!

Kill!

Kill, kill!

- Listen Josie, I needed to get Frubar's confidence

to get revenge,

so I concocted that Nose Planet story.

- Daddy, you're hit!

You need a doctor!

- Josie!

Promise me you'll take care of the aliens.

Josie.

No, Daddy!

I love you!

- Daddy!

Daddy!

- Earl, why did you do this?

You could've been a rich hero..

- And you, Dr. Frubar, could've been a human being,

if only you'd put people before profits.

- Get rid of that wreck!

Today, America weeps.

This great American, Earl Jensen,

gave his life in the service of his country.

He tried to protect us from those murderous aliens.

This morning we found his savaged body

in the aliens' lair.

He's now headed for the great infinity,

space.

We've decided to dedicate the launching of the great Adship

to his memory.

I'm sure he would have wanted it that way.

And the evil aliens,

we'll return then back to where they belong.

So be here tomorrow at noon,

and take part in history!

Promise me you'll take care of the aliens.

- Yeah!

- We're closing now.

Please leave.

Come on, we've got to hurry, guys!

- What the hell, Josie?

Josie, what the hell is going on here?

- I'm just fixing his wound.

I need your help.

We haven't much time.

- Well, I don't know...

- Come on, Darby!

- Okay.

- Hey, wake up in there!

Here's your last meal on Earth.

Thank you.

Access approved.

Bon appetit.

Ew, yuck.

Thank you.

Access approved.

And have a nice day.

- Come on, Darby!

Pull!

- I'm not going any further

'til you tell me the whole

story about the aliens.

- Okay, Daddy told me the whole story just before he died.

- No, no, no!

- No!

- Hey handsome.

Looking good.

Oh, what's that?

A little surprise?

A big surprise!

Oh, come to mama.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, ah, you demon!

Oh, you beast!

Oh, ecstasy!

Oh!

Dr. Frubar.

Yeah?

- The advertising men are here.You may enter, gentlemen.

Dr. F is waiting for you.

- Darby, quick!

The sun will soon be in place.

So finish the alien story!

Battle-hardened and eager to fight,

the bait was readied,

and the next thing...

I spotted him blazing toward Earth.

- Hey, you're not in advertising.

- Hello gentlemen,

I hope you brought your money.

It's amazing.

This report says that these aliens are not from space,

but from right here on Earth.

Help!

- Boris?

Help!

- Oh, Boris?

- Help!

- Hey!

- They're gone!

They've escaped!

- Yeah, all right!

- Wait, wait!

- Ladies and...

Ladies and gentlemen.

Today is a great day in the advancement of humanity!

We're here to inaugurate the launch.

- To the left a touch.

- Of a new effort.

A new era.

- That's it.

Okay, it's in position.

Open the lens cap.

Now to the right!

Dr. Frubar, help me!

- Boris!

There's Boris!

I'll get him.

- Ha!

You freaks can never get me now! I'll be safe in my Adship.

These stupid people will tear you

limb from mutant limb.

Well, you're only the children

of our space program lab animals.

Why you folks are about as dumb

as anyone I've ever seen.

Wouldn't even fill up the tip of my pinky finger

because they don't realize that

well, you're just a bunch of useless scientific cast-offs.

- Dr. F said, blast off.

- No, you idiots, don't blast off!

- Dr. F, don't leave me!

- Tickle him!

More, more, that's it!

- Goodbye, Josie.

- We're alive!

We're alive!

- It's the rocket tower!

- Jump on!

♪ With you ♪

♪ The falling star you wish upon ♪

♪ You could share your dreams ♪

- It's probably a bad time, but,

since we only have a few minutes left alive,

I wanted to give you this.

You see, it's a mini telescope.

You can actually see...

Hm.

Grab the steering wheel!

I got this crazy plan!

Got it!

Take over.

I'm jumping off to that trailer.

Summer's coming,

and you want to look your best on the beach

or on the dance floor.

The Squeeze-Rod is your answer

if you want to tone up your arm muscles.

The Squeeze-Rod is great for abs and

the buttocks region too.

- Of humanity.

You freaks can never get me now! These stupid people will tear you limb from mutant limb

because they don't realize you're only the children

of our space program lab animals.

They don't realize you are just a bunch of useless

scientific cast-offs.

No, you idiots, don't blast off!

Kill, kill, kill, kill!

I'll take the ring now.

Wait for me!

♪ The first time I saw you ♪

♪ Without your wedding band ♪

♪ You were sitting on the bar stool ♪

♪ Your head was in your hands ♪

♪ For a minute I felt sorry for you ♪

♪ But I must confess ♪

♪ It cracked me up when you threw up ♪

♪ On your girlfriend's dress ♪

♪ Yes, you had a certain drowsy look ♪

♪ In the glow of a neon light ♪

♪ A bottle lying there ♪

♪ You don't shine so bright ♪

♪ Drag in haggard, anything but right ♪

♪ Yeah, bottom line today I'd say ♪

♪ You're quite another sight ♪

♪ Well, your face was red from all the booze ♪

♪ But at least the lights were dim ♪

♪ You were sucking up the seam ♪

♪ Let the man shoot him again ♪

♪ Well, you have a way with women ♪

♪ But only when you're tired ♪

♪ So go and drool on someone else's ♪

♪ Pillow tonight ♪

♪ Yes, you have a certain drowsy look ♪

♪ In the glow of a neon light ♪

♪ The bottom line today ♪

♪ You don't shine so bright ♪

♪ Drag in haggard, anything but right ♪

♪ The bottom line today I'd say ♪

♪ You're quite another sight ♪

♪ You always said you wanted to be a star ♪

♪ And now your world's a stage ♪

♪ And it's a ball ♪

♪ Well, it didn't make a difference ♪

♪ When you're used to wind and rain ♪

♪ Set it on the pantry style ♪

♪ It didn't mean a thing ♪

♪ Well, now you're free to be a pig ♪

♪ You always were of help ♪

♪ You boozing, losing, self-abusing ♪

♪ Shadow of a man ♪