Original subtitles

This one is for you, Claire.

You gave me Roger's.

Oh, why have I got feet for hands?

I thought you do have feet for hands.

Ben, you haven't said anything in a while.

I-I just finished every episode of Buddy N' Andy,

so I'm pretty proud of that.

And I've been playing some video poker,

and, uh... Oh, the food truck.

"Does not meet our current publishing needs."

You don't know what fucking publishing needs.

It's why the industry's dying.

[SOFT MUSIC]

♪ ♪

This is amazing.

You should do this for a living.

[SNORTS AND LAUGHS]

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, come on.

You're not gonna give it up for that Maserati?

I call witty gems Maseratis.

Mm.That wasn't even a Kia.

Hey, it was more than a Kia. [SCOFFS]

For what? All you did was say that he should do

what he does for a living, which he does.

Yeah. Isn't it ironic?

No.

You and Alanis Morissette need to go in on a dictionary.

Okay, okay. Get off of Claire's back.

This dinner, in large part, is in honor of her

because she's getting an award at her college, aren't ya,

for a doodling contest.

Oh, I don't doodle. I do portraitures.

Again, you need a dictionary.

That's not a word.

Uh, artists use it.

It's "portrait" with "ure" at the end.

No, it's "d" with "umb" at the end.

You know, I should say we're not just honoring Claire.

I, uh...

I made it to the finals.

Finals of what?

Oh, that's right. I didn't tell you.

Promise not to mock me?

I promise.

Video poker tournament.

[SNORTS] What?

You just promised.

Oh, come on. You were gonna tell me anyway.

I'm just speeding the process along.

Well, I think it's great, Ben.

Congratulations.

Thank you very much.

You know, it turns out, I was one of the top players over the last couple months,

so I racked up a bunch of points on my player's card.

So, what, you've been going to a casino?

CLAIRE: He's made some money lately.

He can do whatever the fuck he wants with it.

I'm just trying to be the voice of reason over here,

'cause every time you have a good thing going,

you have to sabotage it.

Shouldn't be giving your money to a fucking casino.

Oh, okay.

Well, by the way, I win sometimes too, so...

Well, sure, you win sometimes.

They're gonna let you win sometimes

so you'll keep playing and lose.

Also, you know,

going to a casino, that's just like going to a bar.

What are you talking about?

Well, there's free booze everywhere.

What bar do you know that gives away free booze?

And by the way, you know what? It's not exactly free.

You still gotta tip a couple chips.

Well, it's not the casino chips I'm worried about, okay?

It's your sobriety chip,

'cause you gotta be careful with that.

Okay, great.

I make a nice meal, we're trying to celebrate,

and you gotta shit all over it. Cool.

[SIGHS]

You're right.

I'm sorry.

Congratulations on your dumb-ass drawing

and your stupid fucking video poker tournament.

There. Was that so hard?

[FRANZ FERDINAND'S STAND ON THE HORIZONPLAYS]

♪ ♪

So anyway, Louise hasn't been answering

any of my calls, texts, or pages.

She still has a pager?

Yeah, I got her one for emergencies,

you know, in case she's not answering my calls or texts.

What's a pager?

Uh, yeah, before phones were cellular,

we used to have these sardine can-sized devices

that we carried around to let you know

when people were trying to reach you.

Oh, and then you text them back?

Nah, you could only get numbers, that's it.

If you could get numbers, why couldn't you get letters?

'Cause we were all fuckin' idiots.

Is that what you want to hear?

Hey, man, take it easy. I'm just...

All right, I'm sorry. I'm just...

I'm pissed off.

Why? What's going on?

I saw an ad for a robot vacuum cleaner,

and I'm like, "I thought of that."

No, man, they had that back on The Jetsons.

That's when I thought of it.

I was like, "Somebody should make that."

Cry me a river. I invented the first-ever selfie stick.

How did you come... Okay, that makes sense.

Yeah, I called it the Roger Rod.

[CHUCKLES]

I should've patented it, I guess.

But I just didn't think that anybody else

would be interested, honestly.

I also invented the trombone stick,

the hitchhiking stick,

the ass-wiping...

Sticks, we get it, okay. I have a share.

Hey, no. Roger's not done talking yet.

I just made the finals

of a video poker tournament.

STEVIE: Holy shit, man.Whoo!

That's fucking awesome, man.

Mazel fuckin' tov, yeah.

Thank you very much, everyone.

You know, it does my heart a lot of good

to hear all them "attaboys"

because the asshole that I live with trivialized it.

I didn't trivialize it. I said it was stupid and dangerous.

Hey, making the finals in anything is a big deal, even the WNBA.

Hey, hey. That's sexist, Tony.

No worries, Tony. I take no offense.

Thank you very much.

I don't know. I think I agree with Loudermilk.

Gambling is bad.

You own a casino.

Well, my tribe does.

I'm only responsible for the buffet, and... And...

Sometimes I see a lot of sad faces at that buffet.

Maybe the food sucks.Not a chance.

We have the best chicken a la king in Washington State.

Hey, maybe we could go to the tournament.

Wow. That would be so supportive.

Well, where is it?Tukwila.

Ooh, that sounds exotic.

We should all book tickets.

No, no, it's actually only 16 miles from here.

No fuckin' way. I think I've been there.

How weird is that?

It's not weird. It's only 16 miles away.

There's, like, four or five casinos there.

It's like Vegas, man.

Do they have whores?MUGSY: Ed...

Ladies of the evening.

Right, right.

Edward, please. This is a classy place.

It's gonna be crawling with hookers.

[ED LAUGHS]

Wow, this is exciting shit, man.

It's gonna be like our very own Hangover.

Okay, Hangoverwas about a bunch of guys getting blackout drunk.

Do none of you cretins see the problem with this?

Well, actually, the underlying story

was about the bonds of friendship.

Right, so it'll be like Hangoverwithout the drinking.

I think you just described hell.

Okay, you know what? Cisco, don't even listen to him.

Guy just wants to piss on everyone's parade.

What parade? You're in a video poker tournament.

It just means that you've blown enough money

that they're inviting you back

to the loser playoffs to blow more.

Okay, dude, when are you gonna admit that you've hit a bad streak

and just don't want to see anyone else triumph?

[CHUCKLING] Bad streak.

That implies that Loudermilk has good streaks.

BEN: Yeah, well, this one's worse than normal.

First he finds out he has a baby brother,

then Lizzie Poole reminds him what a box of negativity he is,

then he finally finishes his book, and any bites?

No, just a bunch of rejection letters.

Oh, you know what? Fuck off.

Hey, could you two lovebirds take the spat back to the nest?

We're trying to plan a fuckin' road trip here.

[ED CHUCKLES]Road trip?

It's 16 miles away from here.

Fuck yeah, road trip.

Let's all pile in and go in my van!

[CHEERS AND LAUGHTER]

[DOWNBEAT ROCK MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Hey, Roger.

Hello.

Um...

I have some exciting news, and it kinda... Okay,

very much has to do with you.

I'm getting an award at college

for a drawing I did of you.

You've been sketching me?[CHUCKLES] Yeah.

Well, everyone in class was asked

to draw the most inspiring person they know,

and I drew you.

I'm the most inspiring person you know?

Yeah.Why?

Well, you know.

No, no, I actually don't.

Oh, well, um, you just... You...

You know, you've... You've accomplished so much.

With what?

You know...

Your drumming.

Oh.

I didn't know you were a fan.

Oh, sure. Huge, yeah.Oh, wow.

Anyway, they're giving me an award tomorrow at school,

and they wanted to give you an award too.

Want to give me an award?Mm-hmm.

Why?

Well, normally the award just goes to the artist,

not the subject of the drawing.

But after my professor saw my portraiture of you,

he wanted to give you an award.

Really?

So he knows about my drumming as well.

Mm-hmm.

Wow, ain't that lovely?

Just when you think people might have forgotten your work,

you realize that music can just live on.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

Oh, so it's not enough that you lose in a casino.

Now you gotta lose at home too?

Well, isn't this illegal?

No, it's totally legal on this...

Albanian website.

And I'm good at it too. I was way down.

Now I'm only down, like, 3,000 leks.

Relax, that's around 30 bucks.

Uh, okay, I think what you're doing here is self-sabotaging

and a little scary, but let's table that.

[COMPUTER CHIMES]

I think you actually might've hit on something today.

Is that right?

You know, I don't even remember a thing I said.

I was just trying to be mean to you. What did I hit on?

[SIGHS] Well, you're probably right

about the Clyde thing hitting me harder than I thought.

And I'm pissed off about the rejections

'cause it's a good fucking book.

Mm-hmm.

But his Lizzie Poole thing, man, it's really killing me.

I just... I think she's awesome.

Okay, good share.

Hey, we're not in a group, and that's not a share.

I'm trying to tell my fucking friend what's on my mind.

[GROANS]

Now I just lost another 100 leks

thanks to that distracting babble.

If you'll excuse me.

♪ ♪

Yo.

Sorry, it took me a while to get my drums into the car.

Can you help me carry them in?

Uh, no, no, no, no. That won't be necessary.

They'll probably just show my drawing of you,

and then after they give us our awards,

they might ask us to say something.

It's...Oh, okay.

Well, in order to rouse the students properly,

do you think I should talk more about my musical career

or the somewhat inspiring way I overcame addiction?

Either-or.All right.

Well, there he is in person.

Oh. Roger, this is Professor Phelps.

He's the one who insisted you get an award too.

Oh, well, let me say on record I like you already.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Are you sure you don't want me to go and get my drums?

Drums? For what?

To play them.

'Cause I'm a drummer.

You are? Oh, my God, that's incredible.

Hey, make sure you mention that in your speech.

You didn't know I was a drummer?

Oh, I-I could've sworn I mentioned that.

Oh, no, you did. You did. Yeah. [CHUCKLES]

They don't call us absent-minded professors for nothing.

[ALL CHUCKLE]

Well, let's get this show on the road.All right.

The class is ready for you, Roger.Yeah.

Um, I thought I'd go first,

you know, 'cause it's my drawing, so I just assumed.

All right, everyone.

Please give a warm welcome to Roger Frostly.

[APPLAUSE]

Roger is the subject

of Claire's award-winning portraiture.

[APPLAUSE]

Claire, would you do the honors?

[CLASS MURMURING]

[APPLAUSE]

Well, I hate to disappoint you,

but I haven't really got feathers.

[LAUGHTER]

I used to, but I flew into a power line

and my wings are in the shop.

[LAUGHTER]

[MELLOW MUSIC]

But in Germany, it's crazy 'cause they...

They, like, make you play for an hour and a half.

It was nuts, honestly.

That's crazy.

And again, Claire, I'm really sorry we didn't have time for your speech.

Just Roger was so captivating.

Yeah, yeah, he was... He was good.

Um, wasn't I supposed to get an award too?

Oh, yeah. Uh, I think it's still on my desk.

Why don't you run back and get it?

Okay.

Again, that was really amazing in there.

That's the first time all semester

my students have looked up from their phones.

[CHUCKLES]

Actually, a couple of them think

that maybe I'm quasi-cool now because of you.

[CHUCKLES] Hey, hey.[LAUGHS]

Hi.Hi.

I don't want us to sound stalkerish or anything,

but I am a huge fan of yours.

Really?Yeah.

Roger, this is my sister Arielle.

I made the mistake of telling her about you,

and, well, she insisted on coming to my class today.

Stop it.

Listen, I'm sure you want to get out of here,

but if I could just have a minute?

Oh, I'll give you three.

Wow, generous.That's me, to a fault.

[CHUCKLES]

Okay, so here's the deal.

We have an event tomorrow night.

My event, The Bravies.

The what?The Bravies.

♪HowBraveAreYou?Mm-hmm.

It's one of the biggest charities in all of Seattle.

And definitely the most fun.

Ah.Huh?

I'm in the music business, so we get a lot of great bands in,

and we give out a bunch of awards, raise a ton of money.

Oh, nice.Mm-hmm.

So how exactly can I help?

Well, we would like to honor you.

[CHUCKLES] It's been a hell of a week.

[LAUGHS]

It would mean so much to us

as a charity to have you up there.

Mm, but you said it was tomorrow night.

Mm-hmm.

Don't you already have an honoree?

Yeah, we have several.

But you would make a great addition.

Hmm.

Please?

Roger, please let us honor you.

I'd be delighted and honored to be your honoree.

Ah! [CHUCKLES]

Professor Phelps?

I couldn't find my trophy on your desk.

Oh, it's not a trophy, Claire.

It's a certificate.

Oh, but he got a...

I'll just pick it up next week.

[MELLOW MUSIC]

All right, who wants to go first today?

[SIGHS]

How many times do I gotta tell you this isn't the third grade?

Put your fucking hand down, Mugsy.

Well?

I almost took an Ambien last night.

I didn't, but, uh, I've been having trouble sleeping lately.

Why do you even have an Ambien?

Oh, no, it's not for me.

It's for my kids when they come and visit, you know?

They have my ex-wife's hyper genes.

Oh, my God.I don't know, man.

Do you remember that feeling when you were a kid

and you were just excited about something coming up,

like Christmas morning or...

The grand opening of a new RadioShack or something?

Ever since we decided to go to the casino

for Ben's video poker Hangoverthing,

time has not been able to go fast enough.

Yeah. I'm stoked too.

With Louise shunning me,

it's the only thing I have to look forward to in my life.

That's pathetic.

Oh, yeah, I'm aware of that.

What are you so happy about?

Well, can't someone smile for no reason?

Sure, if you're psychotic.

All right, if you must know,

I am being honored at a charity event tomorrow night,

and I've just found out that I'm gonna be walking up the red carpet.

Oh.Who's honoring you?

Oh, Claire's professor's sister is organizing the event,

and he told her all about me.

Wait, how do you know Claire's professor?

Professor Phelps. I met him in class.Mm.

What the fuck are you doing in her class?

Well, accepting my other award.

What other... Why do I feel like I'm in

the worst Abbott and Costello routine ever?

No, that would be Who's on Chemo?

When they gave me an award for my portraiture of Roger,

they also gave Roger an award.

Why?

I was the entire inspiration for her art.

If she gets an award, so should I.

Oh, yeah, I think Mona Lisa kept her trophies right next to da Vinci's.

All right, I get it.

For a while, I thought it was ridiculous too.

But Phelpsy said it was for a good cause.

Wait, you call him Phelpsy?

Yeah, yeah. He called me a couple of times today.

That guy is a nutter. [LAUGHS]

Anyway, I know it's silly.

But being honored and, you know,

being first-row fancy again,

it's kind of pumped up my ego.

Oh, you see?

That is exactly how they treat me at the casino.

Well, yeah, lose any more money there,

and they'll probably give you front-row seats to Carrot Top.

Oh, great. That's really, really great.

Well, Carrot Top doesn't perform there.

Screech does.Who?

Motherfucker. Screech. Huh?

From Saved by the Bell.

I thought he only did porn now.

He does some porn, but that doesn't define him.

Anyway, the good news is that

I've got an extra seat for you, Loudermilk.

For Loudermilk? What about me?

Hmm, what?

Well, it's because of my drawing

that all of this is happening,

so shouldn't I get some of the big-shot perks?

Aw, sorry. I was only given a plus-one.

And Loudermilk's been in such a pitiful, miserable slump recently,

I thought it'd be nice for him to be treated like a VIP

by association for one night.

Fuck off.

Maybe I'll just go to Ben's video poker lose-off instead.

Oh, well, I guess you're stuck with me, Roger.

Wow, are they really giving us front-row seats?

That's what Arielle said, yeah.Cool.

Wait, did...

Phelpsy's sister, is that Arielle Phelps?

Yep.

She's a major fucking music producer.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

They sending us a limo?

Stretch, baby! [CHUCKLES]

We're back! [IMITATES DRUMROLL]

Whoo-hoo!

♪ ♪

All right, Tony, since you're riding shotgun,

your job is to look out for the cops and to keep me awake.

Aye, aye.

Hey, no stopping except for gas.

I'll take second shift.

[CHUCKLES] I got a empty milk jug

in case anyone needs to pee.

Guys, the whole trip is 16 motherfucking miles.

Oh. I'm still gonna need the milk jug.

ED: Sorry.

Ocupado.

I cannot believe we've never done a Hangover road trip in my van.

Wait, which of us is which?

Huh?

Like, Hangover. Who's who?

I'm Bradley Cooper.

Forget it, inchworm. You're no Bradley Cooper.

Why not?

Because Bradley Cooper isn't shaped

like he's got wet dog turds in his pockets.

Okay, look. Besides, I'm the one in the tournament,

which makes me the ringleader,

which makes me the Bradley Cooper, okay?

Hey, was Bradley Cooper even the ringleader in Hangover?

I think so. I mean, he was the most handsome.

Okay, then I'm the dentist guy.

No, you're definitely the bearded fuckup guy.

Oh, my God, you think I look like Zach Galifianakis?

Hey, yo, who am I?Mike Tyson, duh.

Why, 'cause I'm black?

No, uh... Because you like pigeons?

Oh, how 'bout I come over there and chew your fucking ear off?

Guys, guys, come on. Focus, focus.

We got 16 hard miles ahead of us.

In.Let's go. Hustle up.

♪ ♪

Thanks for swinging me an extra ticket, dude. This is sick.

Yeah, no problem.

I've never even been on a red carpet before.

That was incredible.

That was incredible, all right.

What?

I've never seen anyone eat up applause like that,

and I've been to a Morrissey concert.

What are you talking about? It was perfectly dignified.

You bowed and curtsied.

Yeah, well, I'm British. It's called class, fuckface.

Well, whatever you say, Sir Roger.

What exactly are they honoring you for?

Bravery.

What brave thing did you do to get this award?

Well, you know...

I mean, it's not just one thing, is it?

Don't fucking ruin this for me, Loudermilk.

Okay. [MUMBLES]

Sorry. You're right.

This is your big night, and you should enjoy this.

Be brave.Oh, shut up.

[DOWNBEAT MUSIC]

It was 16 miles. How the fuck could you run out of gas?

Are you fucking kidding me?

Hey, this van has a 429 big block.

She's not made for mileage.

This bitch is about horsepower.

Horsepower? This bitch didn't get over 40 miles per hour.

Because I'm trying to conserve gas.

Oh, so you knew we were low on gas.

I told you that at the beginning.

Oh, no, you didn't. You never said that, never.

Tony was the copilot.

You should've been watching the gas gauges.

What? I was instructed to look out for cops,

not the fucking gas gauge.

Mugsy should've been looking at the gauges.

I don't look at the gauges. I'm the pilot.

I'm watching for seagulls to make sure

they don't fly into the engine!

Oh, well, thank you, Sully Sullenberger.

Not a Jew.What?

Just saying, Sullenberger is not a Jew.

I never said he was a Jew.

And tell me something. How is that not a Jewish name?

It's a Jewish name and his name is probably Sullivan

and he changed it to sound more exotic.

You know what? Fuck you all, okay?

Because of your stupidity,

I'm the one who doesn't get to play in the tournament.

You would've probably lost anyway.

Okay, well, then I would've had fun losing.

This isn't fun.

It's your fault I wasted a Friday night.

I could've been home watching Keith Morrison.

Who's that?

Keith Morrison from Dateline.

See, that's your problem. It's Friday night, you're at home

watching a network news show.

Oh, it's a news magazine.What's the difference?

It's a huge fucking difference!

There's no fucking difference!Oh, it's huge!

Everybody just stop it, all right?

Everybody just stop blaming each other, jeez!

Yeah, Cloud's right. It's nobody's fault.

Except for Mugsy and Tony.

You should've been watching the goddamn gas gauge!

Oh, yeah? Why weren't you watching it?

Because I was in the lavatory.

Oh.Goddamn.

Damn.Shit, man.

Hey.Oh, hi.

How you feeling?

Okay, I guess.

Okay, well, just relax. You're gonna do great.

I'm gonna go introduce you.

Okay.Good luck out there.

Hey, I'm Dave.

I just wanted to introduce myself to a fellow Bravie.

Nice to meet you.

Out of curiosity, what are you getting your award for?

Oh, nothing big.Me neither.

Yeah, I just ran into a burning school and saved a bunch of kids.

Well, who wouldn't have done the same, right?

[CHUCKLES]Oh, wow.

So you're a fireman.

No.

ARIELLE: And an opportunity to shine a spotlight on the best, the brightest,

and the most heroic citizens of Seattle.

[APPLAUSE]

And so it is my great honor, my privilege,

to welcome a wonderful man, an incomparable human being,

an awesome drummer, a true trailblazer...

Laying it on a little thick, isn't she?

She's just being courteous. Don't be a dick.

Esteemed guests, please join with me

in giving a warm welcome to Roger Frostly.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

But... But please, sit down. I don't deserve this.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE LOUDEN]

Please. Sit...

Down.

[CHUCKLES]

That wasn't a false modesty trick for more applause.

[LAUGHTER]Although nice to know for the future that it works.

[LAUGHTER]

Seriously, though...

I don't deserve an award for bravery

or anything, really.

Last night, I wrote an acceptance speech,

a rather self-serving one

where I was only too happy to keep the blinders on

and lap up more ego-stroking praise.

And I do appreciate the gesture behind this.

It was well-meaning.

But giving me an award

just for being disabled is

unfortunately designed only to make you feel good...

[AUDIENCE MURMURING]

While it makes me feel pretty lousy.

Because it tells me how low your expectations are for me.

Like I should get an award

for brushing my teeth or something with these arms.

Well, something I used to do about a dozen times a day

to keep the smell of booze off my breath.

[LAUGHTER]

No, not a joke.

I'm an alcoholic.

[AUDIENCE MURMURING]

I've been sober for a little while now.

But I spent a large part of my life escaping with booze

and a whole lot more.

And there's nothing heroic about that.

But tonight?

This is just inspiration porn.

[AUDIENCE MURMURING]

Stella Young, an Australian activist, coined that phrase.

Yeah, porn.

Because it's all about objectifying

people like me and her so that you can say to each other,

"Oh, my life might suck, but it could be worse.

"Just look at the bloke with short arms."

But I'm just as much to blame as you.

So I feel uncomfortable too.

I fooled myself into believing that I deserved this award for my music.

And the truth is, I'm a good drummer.

But I'm not a great one.

So I'm sorry.

But I can't accept your Bravie award.

[AUDIENCE MURMURING]

I know one thing, though.

The next guy coming onstage definitely deserves it.

Dave.

[AUDIENCE WHISPERING]

[APPLAUSE]

Thank you so much, Roger.

Wow.

How's that for raw honesty, huh?

Amazing.

[APPLAUSE]

So...

It's inspired me to be honest too.

I didn't really save those kids from the burning school.

[AUDIENCE MURMURING]

I guess I did, but...

I also set the fire.

[AUDIENCE GASPS]

I know. It's bad.

But I did it to be a hero.

[AUDIENCE MURMURING]

I guess that should take away some of the points.

Fuck!

I should've accepted that award.

[LAID-BACK ROCK MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Hey.

[SIGHS] There you are.

Hey.

Where's Loudermilk?

Downstairs talking music with Arielle Phelps.

Mm.

You know,

I'm sorry if I came across as patronizing when I drew you

and gave you wings.

You did.I know.

Just trying to apologize here.

Oh, fuck it.

You're just a kid. You didn't know any better.

Now who's being patronizing?

You know, your speech was great.

But some of it was bullshit.

What are you talking about?

I get it. No one should objectify anyone

or give a disabled person an award

just for making a sandwich.

But what's wrong with acknowledging someone

who has to overcome a bit more adversity every day?

Well, yeah.

But acknowledgement isn't about getting awards.

It's about acceptance.

And maybe a little help sometimes.

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

Ah, what the hell?

I did invent the trombone stick.

I should definitely get a Grammy for that, right?

[IMITATES TROMBONE]

[LAUGHS]

Hug?

[ALLAH-LAHS' HIGH & DRYPLAYS]

♪ Standing right in front of me

♪ What do you see

♪ Bark right off the family tree

♪ And pedigree

♪ Living foggy clarity

♪ Naturally

♪ Give me what you've taken back

♪ I'll never leave

♪ High and dry

♪ What'd I find

♪ You might love me... ♪

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0