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1
00:00:02,045 --> 00:00:03,175
[MELLOW MUSIC]
2
00:00:03,177 --> 00:00:04,607
My dead father's baby mama
3
00:00:04,613 --> 00:00:06,313
just dropped off
my kid brother and left.
4
00:00:06,310 --> 00:00:09,530
You just kind of
hang around and... And smoke
5
00:00:09,531 --> 00:00:12,141
And... And talk loud.
6
00:00:12,142 --> 00:00:14,452
Yeah, all that.
We call it fellowship.
7
00:00:14,449 --> 00:00:16,709
I've been thinking
about you a lot.
8
00:00:16,712 --> 00:00:18,842
I... I've been thinking
about you a lot too.
9
00:00:18,844 --> 00:00:20,894
♪ ♪
10
00:00:27,244 --> 00:00:28,554
Sourmilk?
11
00:00:30,421 --> 00:00:31,811
Mr. Sourmilk?
12
00:00:33,511 --> 00:00:35,121
Sourmilk.Yeah.
13
00:00:37,167 --> 00:00:39,127
Hi, I'm Colton.
How can I help you?
14
00:00:39,126 --> 00:00:41,646
You just called my name,
except it's Sam Loudermilk.
15
00:00:41,650 --> 00:00:43,090
Oh, I'm sorry,
16
00:00:43,086 --> 00:00:45,216
this appointment
is for Mr. Sourmilk.
17
00:00:45,219 --> 00:00:46,569
No, no, no, I put...Sourmilk?
18
00:00:46,568 --> 00:00:47,998
That's me.
19
00:00:48,004 --> 00:00:49,964
It just autocorrects
to "Sourmilk."
20
00:00:49,962 --> 00:00:51,922
Well, I'm sorry,
21
00:00:51,921 --> 00:00:54,271
but the screen says
Mr. Sourmilk.
22
00:00:54,271 --> 00:00:55,931
I'm happy to make you
another appointment, though.
23
00:00:55,925 --> 00:00:57,055
What did you say
your name was?
24
00:00:57,057 --> 00:00:58,837
Sam Loudermilk.
25
00:00:58,841 --> 00:01:00,761
Mm-kay.
26
00:01:00,756 --> 00:01:02,406
Oh, if you could
just take a seat
27
00:01:02,410 --> 00:01:03,720
just for a second.
Thank you.
28
00:01:13,464 --> 00:01:15,514
Sam Loudermilk?God damn it.
29
00:01:19,644 --> 00:01:20,914
I'm Colton.
How can I help you?
30
00:01:20,906 --> 00:01:22,166
Yeah, we... We've met.
31
00:01:22,169 --> 00:01:24,169
I... Look,
I need to get a new phone.
32
00:01:24,171 --> 00:01:26,831
A baby peed on it,
and it doesn't work.
33
00:01:26,825 --> 00:01:28,345
What's your ID
and password?
34
00:01:29,785 --> 00:01:31,305
I have no idea.
35
00:01:31,308 --> 00:01:33,348
You mean the password
I use to get into the phone?
36
00:01:33,354 --> 00:01:34,924
[LAUGHS]
37
00:01:34,920 --> 00:01:37,310
No, no,
that's your passcode.
38
00:01:37,314 --> 00:01:39,324
Your ID will have
the same alphanumeric password
39
00:01:39,316 --> 00:01:40,926
you use to log in
to the sky cloud.
40
00:01:40,926 --> 00:01:44,016
Oh, the sky cloud account.
Why didn't you say that?
41
00:01:44,016 --> 00:01:45,446
No, I don't know
what that is.
42
00:01:45,453 --> 00:01:46,983
I'm just looking
to get a new phone.
43
00:01:46,976 --> 00:01:50,066
Do we need that?Yes, we do.
44
00:01:50,066 --> 00:01:52,366
But not to worry.
45
00:01:52,373 --> 00:01:55,513
You can actually reset
your user ID and password
46
00:01:55,506 --> 00:01:57,636
right from your mobile device.
47
00:01:57,639 --> 00:02:00,339
But my phone won't turn on.
That's why I'm here.
48
00:02:00,337 --> 00:02:02,207
Can I just give you
my license?
49
00:02:02,209 --> 00:02:04,729
Uh... [LAUGHS] No.
50
00:02:04,733 --> 00:02:06,953
Why don't we start
with your phone number?
51
00:02:06,952 --> 00:02:09,092
Do you know that?Yes, I know that.
52
00:02:14,438 --> 00:02:16,828
[SIGHS][INHALES DEEPLY]
53
00:02:16,832 --> 00:02:18,882
All right,
I found you.
54
00:02:18,877 --> 00:02:22,047
Okay, so what kind of
device were you looking to get today?
55
00:02:22,054 --> 00:02:23,754
The new Z?
The ZR?
56
00:02:23,752 --> 00:02:25,542
The Z9?
57
00:02:25,536 --> 00:02:27,666
We do have a couple
of the new ZR9s,
58
00:02:27,669 --> 00:02:29,409
but we're sold out
of Graphite Dream.
59
00:02:29,410 --> 00:02:32,060
Just give me
whatever one is cheapest.
60
00:02:32,064 --> 00:02:33,464
That really depends
on what you're looking
61
00:02:33,457 --> 00:02:34,977
to get out
of your mobile device.
62
00:02:34,980 --> 00:02:37,370
Do you use a lot of social
media and networking apps?
63
00:02:37,374 --> 00:02:39,334
Do you like to create
and upload digital content?
64
00:02:39,333 --> 00:02:41,473
No, nothing like that.[SUCKS TEETH]
65
00:02:41,465 --> 00:02:43,545
Okay, so...
66
00:02:43,554 --> 00:02:45,564
How do you use it?
67
00:02:45,556 --> 00:02:47,646
As a phone.
Just get me a...
68
00:02:47,645 --> 00:02:49,645
Can I just stop you
for one second?
69
00:02:49,647 --> 00:02:52,817
These are much more
than phones, okay?
70
00:02:52,824 --> 00:02:55,184
Check this out.
So you're texting your friend.
71
00:02:55,175 --> 00:02:57,825
"Hey, wanna meet
for brunch?"
72
00:02:57,829 --> 00:02:59,529
I would never do that.I hear you.
73
00:02:59,527 --> 00:03:01,527
Pretty boring, right?
74
00:03:01,529 --> 00:03:05,529
Except check out
what that would look like on the new ZR9.
75
00:03:07,056 --> 00:03:09,836
Are we brunching
or what, fam?
76
00:03:09,841 --> 00:03:13,191
[LAUGHS]Okay, look, Colton?
77
00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:15,503
Just get me
a basic phone, okay?
78
00:03:15,499 --> 00:03:17,329
No apps, no features...
[STAMMERS]
79
00:03:17,327 --> 00:03:19,457
Preferably
no touch screen.
80
00:03:19,460 --> 00:03:22,380
Do... Do you have any
where the numbers are still buttons?
81
00:03:22,376 --> 00:03:24,376
Like a flip phone?Yeah.
82
00:03:24,378 --> 00:03:26,768
Uh, I'm sorry,
I think we're all out,
83
00:03:26,771 --> 00:03:29,341
but you're welcome
to check back 15 years ago.
84
00:03:29,339 --> 00:03:30,689
[LAUGHS]
The only phones
85
00:03:30,688 --> 00:03:32,728
with actual buttons
nowadays
86
00:03:32,734 --> 00:03:34,654
are those burner phones
you see at seedy convenience stores.
87
00:03:34,649 --> 00:03:36,779
They're the ones
drug dealers use.
88
00:03:36,781 --> 00:03:40,391
Let's pretend for a second
that I'm looking for a phone here in this store.
89
00:03:40,394 --> 00:03:41,924
Just give me
your shittiest phone!
90
00:03:41,917 --> 00:03:43,697
I don't need apps!
91
00:03:43,701 --> 00:03:45,921
I don't need brunch
with a talking horse!
92
00:03:45,921 --> 00:03:48,101
I just want a phone
to make phone calls with.
93
00:03:48,097 --> 00:03:49,657
The phone you're describing
94
00:03:49,664 --> 00:03:51,584
wouldn't be able
to receive internet,
95
00:03:51,579 --> 00:03:54,319
emergency broadcast warnings,
AMBER alerts.
96
00:03:54,321 --> 00:03:55,891
It's just reckless.
97
00:03:55,887 --> 00:03:57,317
I'm sorry,
I'm late for my appointment.
98
00:03:57,324 --> 00:03:58,764
Name?Rick Sourmilk.
99
00:04:01,023 --> 00:04:02,243
Fuck off.
100
00:04:04,026 --> 00:04:06,896
[FRANZ FERDINAND'S
STAND ON THE HORIZONPLAYS]
101
00:04:06,898 --> 00:04:08,938
♪ ♪
102
00:04:14,341 --> 00:04:17,001
NEW GUY: Even after winning
that trial for Loudermilk,
103
00:04:16,995 --> 00:04:19,815
my phone hasn't been ringing.
104
00:04:19,824 --> 00:04:22,354
It's not the work I miss,
it's the excitement.
105
00:04:22,349 --> 00:04:24,259
I'm an adrenaline junkie.
106
00:04:24,264 --> 00:04:27,054
I've just been sitting home
all day with nothing to do,
107
00:04:27,049 --> 00:04:29,179
and you know what they say
about idle hands.
108
00:04:29,181 --> 00:04:31,311
They jerk off a lot?
109
00:04:31,314 --> 00:04:33,974
Uh, yeah, and they also
stuff food in my mouth.
110
00:04:33,969 --> 00:04:35,969
I've gained two...
Okay, ten pounds
111
00:04:35,971 --> 00:04:37,451
since Louise
dumped me.
112
00:04:37,451 --> 00:04:39,241
Well, you can't
just give up.
113
00:04:39,235 --> 00:04:41,585
You gotta get out there
and find somebody new.
114
00:04:41,585 --> 00:04:44,325
Oh, yeah? How's that going
for you, Loudermilk?
115
00:04:44,327 --> 00:04:46,017
We're not talking
about me, Claire.
116
00:04:46,024 --> 00:04:48,074
I'm not the one
going through a break-up.
117
00:04:48,070 --> 00:04:51,290
Oh, right, because a break-up
follows a relationship
118
00:04:51,291 --> 00:04:54,691
and you'd have to
actually date in order to have one of those.
119
00:04:54,685 --> 00:04:56,205
I don't have
time to date.
120
00:04:56,208 --> 00:04:57,598
All I do is mop floors
121
00:04:57,601 --> 00:04:59,781
so I can support
these two bald assholes.
122
00:04:59,777 --> 00:05:02,867
[SARCASTICALLY] Oh.
Oh, I'm the problem.
123
00:05:02,867 --> 00:05:04,517
Okay, I'm sorry.
124
00:05:04,521 --> 00:05:06,001
I'm just over here
living the dream
125
00:05:06,001 --> 00:05:07,661
cooking and cleaning
and changing diapers
126
00:05:07,655 --> 00:05:09,045
while you're off
working with the boys.
127
00:05:09,047 --> 00:05:10,437
What boys?
128
00:05:10,440 --> 00:05:12,920
You... Your work buddies.
You know.
129
00:05:12,921 --> 00:05:16,141
The closest thing I have
to a work buddy is the homeless guy
130
00:05:16,141 --> 00:05:17,841
who takes
his daily constitutional
131
00:05:17,839 --> 00:05:19,489
in front of the
bank entrance every night.
132
00:05:19,493 --> 00:05:21,323
BEN: Well, at least
you get to go out.
133
00:05:21,321 --> 00:05:23,281
I can't even think of
the last time I left the house.
134
00:05:23,279 --> 00:05:25,459
You know, when was
the last time we had a nice dinner, just you and me?
135
00:05:25,455 --> 00:05:27,065
You mean a date?
136
00:05:27,065 --> 00:05:29,365
[LAUGHS]
137
00:05:29,372 --> 00:05:30,942
It's easy to be glib.
138
00:05:30,939 --> 00:05:32,459
Look, you know what?
139
00:05:32,462 --> 00:05:34,462
You're so bored,
I got a crazy idea.
140
00:05:34,464 --> 00:05:35,774
Why don't you get a job?
141
00:05:35,770 --> 00:05:37,470
[SCOFFS]
Okay, this...
142
00:05:38,468 --> 00:05:39,818
This isn't a job?
143
00:05:39,817 --> 00:05:42,297
You know what?
How dare you.
144
00:05:42,298 --> 00:05:44,468
You know,
at least it's inspired you to make music, Ben.
145
00:05:44,474 --> 00:05:46,084
What are you
talking about?
146
00:05:46,084 --> 00:05:49,004
Wait, you haven't seen
Ben's videos on Instagram?
147
00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:50,350
No.They're really good.
148
00:05:53,004 --> 00:05:54,754
[PLAYING CHEERFUL TUNE
ON UKULELE]
149
00:05:54,745 --> 00:05:57,745
♪ The lion and the penguin
are best friends
150
00:05:57,748 --> 00:06:01,708
♪ Side by side in the forest
like bookends
151
00:06:01,709 --> 00:06:04,669
♪ The penguin helps the lion
comb his hair
152
00:06:04,668 --> 00:06:06,798
♪ And the lion
protects the penguin
153
00:06:06,801 --> 00:06:08,411
♪ From the polar bear ♪ It's not a big deal.
154
00:06:08,411 --> 00:06:10,501
It's just, I...
I make up some silly songs
155
00:06:10,500 --> 00:06:11,890
and I sing them
to Clyde when he cries
156
00:06:11,893 --> 00:06:13,853
and it seems to
soothe him.
157
00:06:13,851 --> 00:06:17,641
So I uploaded a few
to help other mothers with their fussy babies.
158
00:06:17,638 --> 00:06:18,898
It's nothing,
it's nothing.
159
00:06:18,900 --> 00:06:20,380
Aww. That's really
sweet, Ben.
160
00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:23,250
Okay, so the lion,
161
00:06:23,252 --> 00:06:25,212
which is
an apex predator,
162
00:06:25,210 --> 00:06:28,260
is sitting next to a penguin,
a bird that he would eat,
163
00:06:28,257 --> 00:06:30,297
in the forest,
where neither of them live.
164
00:06:30,302 --> 00:06:32,702
No, no, I'm pretty sure
lions live in the forest.
165
00:06:32,696 --> 00:06:34,476
Lions live in the savannah.
166
00:06:34,481 --> 00:06:36,351
Okay, what about
The Wizard of Oz?
167
00:06:36,352 --> 00:06:38,052
No, that's just
to make it rhyme.
168
00:06:38,049 --> 00:06:39,359
Lions live
in the savannah
169
00:06:39,355 --> 00:06:41,175
but they called it
the king of the jungle.
170
00:06:41,183 --> 00:06:43,273
You can't sing about that
'cause nothing rhymes with "jungle."
171
00:06:43,272 --> 00:06:45,102
"Bungle."Yeah, exactly.
172
00:06:45,100 --> 00:06:47,230
Jethro Tull tried that.
173
00:06:47,232 --> 00:06:48,712
It didn't work
out very well.
174
00:06:48,712 --> 00:06:49,802
Hey, what are you
talking about?
175
00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:51,450
I love that song.No.
176
00:06:51,454 --> 00:06:53,244
BEN: You see, this is why
I didn't tell you, Sam.
177
00:06:53,238 --> 00:06:54,538
There's always...[CLYDE FUSSING]
178
00:06:54,544 --> 00:06:56,634
Oh, no. Look...
Look what you did.
179
00:06:56,633 --> 00:06:59,293
You know, I don't like
who you become around your friends.
180
00:06:59,288 --> 00:07:01,198
I'll be waiting outside.
181
00:07:01,203 --> 00:07:03,863
♪ The penguin helps the lion
comb his hair
182
00:07:03,858 --> 00:07:05,158
♪ And the lion
protects the penguin
183
00:07:05,163 --> 00:07:06,513
♪ From the polar bear ♪
184
00:07:06,513 --> 00:07:07,953
Oh, the polar bear
is in the forest.
185
00:07:07,949 --> 00:07:10,299
You're fucking delusional.All right.
186
00:07:10,299 --> 00:07:11,739
Look, the polar ice caps
are melting,
187
00:07:11,735 --> 00:07:13,775
forcing the polar bear
down south.
188
00:07:13,781 --> 00:07:15,481
Climate change is happening,
but, yeah, sure,
189
00:07:15,478 --> 00:07:16,828
I'm the delusional one.
190
00:07:16,827 --> 00:07:18,087
[CLYDE FUSSING]
191
00:07:19,787 --> 00:07:23,307
Sorry, everyone.
It's hormones.
192
00:07:23,312 --> 00:07:26,362
♪ Loudermilk's a jerk,
Loudermilk's a jerk
193
00:07:26,358 --> 00:07:29,318
♪ Gotta pack your tools
before you go to work
194
00:07:29,318 --> 00:07:30,748
♪ And when you
get to work ♪ Hey.
195
00:07:32,234 --> 00:07:34,504
It's Ben, isn't it?Yeah.
196
00:07:34,497 --> 00:07:36,797
Uh, baby yoga.
197
00:07:36,804 --> 00:07:39,374
Thursday afternoons, right?That's it, I knew it.
198
00:07:39,371 --> 00:07:40,551
I'm Sarah...Hi.
199
00:07:40,547 --> 00:07:42,197
And this is Marcus.Oh.
200
00:07:42,200 --> 00:07:44,770
[LAUGHS] Hello.
201
00:07:44,768 --> 00:07:46,198
I'm sorry,
what's your son's name again?
202
00:07:46,204 --> 00:07:48,124
Clyde.Hi.
203
00:07:48,119 --> 00:07:51,379
But, uh, he's actually
not my son. He's a rescue.
204
00:07:51,383 --> 00:07:53,263
Loudermilk's right,
New Guy.
205
00:07:53,255 --> 00:07:54,595
You gotta move on.
206
00:07:54,604 --> 00:07:56,394
When I lost my job
and Men's Wearhouse,
207
00:07:56,388 --> 00:07:59,038
all the extra
time to myself, it was tough.
208
00:07:59,043 --> 00:08:00,353
I almost slipped up.
209
00:08:01,611 --> 00:08:04,531
But luckily,
I got a new job.
210
00:08:04,527 --> 00:08:06,617
Finally, uh, back
in the rhythm.
211
00:08:06,616 --> 00:08:08,176
I didn't know
you got a new job.
212
00:08:08,183 --> 00:08:10,143
Yeah, work for Toto.
213
00:08:10,141 --> 00:08:11,971
Oh, they got
back together?
214
00:08:11,969 --> 00:08:14,969
Nah, not the band, man.
The washlet company.
215
00:08:14,972 --> 00:08:17,502
I'm a salesman.Oh, I've heard of those.
216
00:08:17,497 --> 00:08:19,017
The toilets that shoot water
up your butt, right?
217
00:08:19,020 --> 00:08:21,540
Mm-hmm.Get the hell
out of here.
218
00:08:21,544 --> 00:08:23,854
Ooh, that's gotta be
a hard sell.
219
00:08:23,851 --> 00:08:26,421
Are you kidding?
That's the easiest sell in the world.
220
00:08:26,418 --> 00:08:28,858
Let me give you my pitch.
221
00:08:28,856 --> 00:08:32,206
Let's say that somehow
you accidently got a little chip of shit on your arm.
222
00:08:32,207 --> 00:08:33,637
Would you just wipe it off
with toilet paper
223
00:08:33,643 --> 00:08:35,043
and go about
the rest of your day?
224
00:08:35,036 --> 00:08:36,986
Well, that depends
on whose shit it was.
225
00:08:36,994 --> 00:08:38,914
Let's say
that shit was your shit.
226
00:08:38,909 --> 00:08:41,909
Oh, in that case,
I'd be boiling my arm in a crab pot.
227
00:08:41,912 --> 00:08:43,392
Exactly, right?
228
00:08:43,392 --> 00:08:44,652
You'd scrub that
motherfucker clean.
229
00:08:44,654 --> 00:08:46,834
ED: Yeah. [LAUGHS]
230
00:08:46,830 --> 00:08:49,750
So why do we think
that wiping is the best way to clean our butts?
231
00:08:49,746 --> 00:08:52,006
BOTH: I don't know.
232
00:08:52,009 --> 00:08:54,579
I don't know how
anyone gets shit on their arm, but that's a good point.
233
00:08:54,577 --> 00:08:56,927
Every bathroom in Japan
has a Toto toilet,
234
00:08:56,927 --> 00:08:58,887
even in prison.
235
00:08:58,886 --> 00:09:01,926
Meanwhile, America is still
shitting in the Stone Age.
236
00:09:01,932 --> 00:09:04,672
Holy cow,
I don't believe this.
237
00:09:04,674 --> 00:09:06,984
What the fuck happened
to this country?
238
00:09:06,981 --> 00:09:08,851
Where did we lose our way?
239
00:09:08,852 --> 00:09:11,462
Yeah, I think
that pretty much sums up this meeting.
240
00:09:11,463 --> 00:09:13,903
Let's call it a day
and I'll see you next time.
241
00:09:13,901 --> 00:09:16,251
Anyone interested in toilets,
see me outside.
242
00:09:16,251 --> 00:09:19,121
Uh, while I hate to interrupt
this riveting conversation,
243
00:09:19,123 --> 00:09:22,303
I wanted to ask why
none of you have signed up
244
00:09:22,300 --> 00:09:24,130
to volunteer
for the fundraiser.
245
00:09:24,128 --> 00:09:25,778
LOUDERMILK: "Fundraiser"?
246
00:09:25,782 --> 00:09:27,612
You get more lawsuits
than usual this month?
247
00:09:27,610 --> 00:09:29,700
Mm.
248
00:09:29,699 --> 00:09:33,309
You may not be aware,
but this parish does more than just host your group.
249
00:09:33,311 --> 00:09:35,231
We run
a soup kitchen,
250
00:09:35,226 --> 00:09:37,096
we connect people
with medical services,
251
00:09:37,098 --> 00:09:40,318
we provide a space for people
such as yourselves
252
00:09:40,318 --> 00:09:42,628
who have nowhere
else to go.
253
00:09:42,625 --> 00:09:44,625
Now, this costs money,
254
00:09:44,627 --> 00:09:48,677
so this weekend we are
holding a community fair,
255
00:09:48,675 --> 00:09:52,365
and we need volunteers to come
for just a few hours.
256
00:09:52,374 --> 00:09:54,074
Hand out tickets
and run the games.
257
00:09:54,071 --> 00:09:55,641
That sort of thing.
258
00:09:55,638 --> 00:09:57,548
And Loudermilk, I was hoping
you could help me
259
00:09:57,553 --> 00:09:59,033
hook up the speakers
for the band.
260
00:09:59,033 --> 00:10:00,823
Who's playing?
261
00:10:00,817 --> 00:10:03,857
Sister Margaret
and the other nuns are going to sing.
262
00:10:03,864 --> 00:10:05,824
Wait, that's your plan
to save the church?
263
00:10:05,822 --> 00:10:07,652
Get the community to come out
and pay money
264
00:10:07,650 --> 00:10:09,570
to watch
a bunch of nuns onstage?
265
00:10:09,565 --> 00:10:10,905
Yeah, who's planning
this thing?
266
00:10:10,914 --> 00:10:12,524
The Fyre Festival people?
267
00:10:12,524 --> 00:10:14,704
MIKE: I'm doing
the best that I can.
268
00:10:14,701 --> 00:10:17,751
There aren't a lot
of family-friendly performers who work for free.
269
00:10:17,747 --> 00:10:21,057
Oh, I got it! Let me handle
the entertainment, Father.
270
00:10:21,055 --> 00:10:23,445
I'll give those people
the show of their lives.
271
00:10:23,448 --> 00:10:26,188
Uh...okay.
272
00:10:26,190 --> 00:10:28,190
Eh, well, thank you.
273
00:10:28,192 --> 00:10:30,022
Don't forget the sign-up
sheet's in the hallway.
274
00:10:30,020 --> 00:10:31,980
Thank you,
and Loudermilk,
275
00:10:31,979 --> 00:10:34,199
can I talk to you
for a minute before you leave, son?
276
00:10:34,198 --> 00:10:36,028
Hey, Mugs, want me to talk
to you about the toilet, man.
277
00:10:36,026 --> 00:10:37,376
All right.Those things tickle your ass.
278
00:10:37,375 --> 00:10:38,805
I gotta see this.
279
00:10:38,812 --> 00:10:41,512
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
280
00:10:41,510 --> 00:10:43,120
We need to talk
about Clyde.
281
00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:44,990
You can't keep
bringing him here.
282
00:10:44,992 --> 00:10:46,602
Why not?
283
00:10:46,602 --> 00:10:49,302
It's not good for him
to be around drug addicts,
284
00:10:49,300 --> 00:10:50,650
drunks, and thieves.
285
00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:53,130
Well, he can't stay home
by himself.
286
00:10:53,130 --> 00:10:54,180
Have you heard
from the mother?
287
00:10:54,958 --> 00:10:56,308
No.
288
00:10:56,307 --> 00:10:58,137
As I said before,
289
00:10:58,135 --> 00:11:00,525
I know several
excellent families
290
00:11:00,529 --> 00:11:02,179
who are actively looking.
291
00:11:02,183 --> 00:11:04,453
Look, even if I wanted
to put him up for adoption,
292
00:11:04,446 --> 00:11:06,316
I don't have his papers.
293
00:11:06,317 --> 00:11:09,187
Don't I need his pink slip
or a receipt or something?
294
00:11:09,190 --> 00:11:11,890
Samuel, it's a child,
not a car.
295
00:11:13,063 --> 00:11:14,203
No.
296
00:11:14,195 --> 00:11:15,845
No, okay?
297
00:11:15,849 --> 00:11:17,849
It's not happening,
so stop asking me about it.
298
00:11:17,851 --> 00:11:19,641
We're not there yet.
299
00:11:21,419 --> 00:11:23,729
I... I gotta go.
I'll see you at the fair.
300
00:11:25,206 --> 00:11:27,556
So which one's
your partner?
301
00:11:27,556 --> 00:11:29,596
Oh, uh, the guy
who looks like Coach Taylor from Friday Night Lights.
302
00:11:29,601 --> 00:11:31,521
Right there.Oh.
303
00:11:31,516 --> 00:11:33,036
Good for you.
He's really cute.
304
00:11:33,040 --> 00:11:35,260
Yeah, he's a cutie pie.[BOTH LAUGH]
305
00:11:35,259 --> 00:11:37,699
Oh, no, no, no.
We're not... We're not together.
306
00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:40,127
We were both
married to women. "Woman," I should say.
307
00:11:40,134 --> 00:11:41,704
We were both married
to the same woman,
308
00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:43,571
but then he divorced her,
then I divorced her,
309
00:11:43,572 --> 00:11:45,102
and now we're
just roommates
310
00:11:45,095 --> 00:11:47,745
raising his dead father's
illegitimate son.
311
00:11:47,750 --> 00:11:49,360
Oh.NEW GUY: Hey, Benny-boy!
312
00:11:50,231 --> 00:11:51,801
Ow.
313
00:11:51,798 --> 00:11:54,058
I got you the gig!What gig?
314
00:11:54,061 --> 00:11:56,241
The big community fundraiser
this Saturday.
315
00:11:56,237 --> 00:11:58,277
Father Mike needs us
to save the church
316
00:11:58,282 --> 00:11:59,812
and your music's gonna do it.
317
00:11:59,806 --> 00:12:01,196
No, no, it isn't.
318
00:12:01,198 --> 00:12:03,508
No, I can't perform
in front of people.
319
00:12:03,505 --> 00:12:05,765
Father Mike wanted you
to open for the nuns but I said, "That's bullshit."
320
00:12:05,768 --> 00:12:07,938
You're headlining or we walk.
321
00:12:07,944 --> 00:12:09,474
This guy's amazing.[SCOFFS]
322
00:12:09,467 --> 00:12:11,207
Hey, come...
Come down this Saturday.
323
00:12:11,208 --> 00:12:13,298
Bring your grandson.
324
00:12:13,297 --> 00:12:15,467
It's my son.Oh, adopted?
325
00:12:15,473 --> 00:12:17,393
No.In vitro?
326
00:12:17,388 --> 00:12:18,608
No.
327
00:12:18,607 --> 00:12:20,957
Oh, uh, he's a cutie.
328
00:12:22,480 --> 00:12:24,440
BEN: Hey. Loudermilk.
329
00:12:24,439 --> 00:12:26,659
Sam, come here.
330
00:12:26,658 --> 00:12:28,268
[DOG BARKING]
331
00:12:28,269 --> 00:12:30,489
This is Sarah. She's, uh...
She's new in town.
332
00:12:30,488 --> 00:12:33,488
From Boston.
[MOUTHING]
333
00:12:33,491 --> 00:12:35,191
"Loudermilk."
That's an interesting name.
334
00:12:35,189 --> 00:12:38,319
Where's that from?Uh, just my dad.
335
00:12:38,322 --> 00:12:40,802
[GUFFAWS]
Beautiful!
336
00:12:40,803 --> 00:12:42,673
Well, look at you two
hitting it off.
337
00:12:42,674 --> 00:12:44,204
You know, since you're
brand new in town,
338
00:12:44,198 --> 00:12:46,288
perhaps Loudermilk
could show you around?
339
00:12:46,287 --> 00:12:49,247
Oh, no, that's not necessary.
I don't want to impose.
340
00:12:49,246 --> 00:12:52,506
Oh, that's no imposition
at all, and I totally would
341
00:12:52,510 --> 00:12:55,340
if I didn't have archery class
every night this week.
342
00:12:55,339 --> 00:12:58,779
Uh, not tomorrow night,
because tomorrow is Friday
343
00:12:58,778 --> 00:13:00,688
and there's no archery
on Fridays
344
00:13:00,692 --> 00:13:03,302
because that is when
they re-stuff the targets, remember?
345
00:13:06,176 --> 00:13:07,916
Yeah.
346
00:13:07,917 --> 00:13:10,877
Can't believe I forgot
all about target re-stuffing.
347
00:13:10,877 --> 00:13:12,837
[LAUGHS]
So, dinner it is.
348
00:13:14,010 --> 00:13:15,970
[MELLOW MUSIC]
349
00:13:15,969 --> 00:13:17,409
She didn't want to either.
350
00:13:17,405 --> 00:13:18,885
You just forced us into it
351
00:13:18,885 --> 00:13:20,835
like a mom
setting up a play date.
352
00:13:20,843 --> 00:13:22,633
Well, it was
the least I could do
353
00:13:22,627 --> 00:13:25,107
since apparently
I'm preventing you from dating.
354
00:13:25,108 --> 00:13:27,978
Why would I want to
go on a date with a complete stranger?
355
00:13:27,981 --> 00:13:30,421
It'll be
a total fucking disaster.
356
00:13:30,418 --> 00:13:32,248
Speak of the devil.
357
00:13:32,246 --> 00:13:34,986
I'm just borrowing
a coffee mug.
358
00:13:34,988 --> 00:13:36,688
You don't know
that it would be a disaster.
359
00:13:36,685 --> 00:13:38,725
Sarah's
a wonderful woman.
360
00:13:38,730 --> 00:13:39,860
How do you know
she's wonderful?
361
00:13:39,862 --> 00:13:41,172
You talked to her
for two minutes.
362
00:13:41,168 --> 00:13:43,038
Well, she has a child.
363
00:13:43,039 --> 00:13:44,559
Hitler had
a shitload of kids.
364
00:13:44,562 --> 00:13:46,132
No, I don't think he did.He didn't?
365
00:13:46,129 --> 00:13:47,699
Mm-mm.[GASPS]
366
00:13:47,696 --> 00:13:49,826
Oh, that's right.
I'm thinking of the Duggars.
367
00:13:51,961 --> 00:13:54,881
So you're saying that anyone
with a kid is wonderful
368
00:13:54,877 --> 00:13:56,397
and people without them
are assholes?
369
00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:58,490
[LAUGHS SOFTLY]
Well, look at us.
370
00:13:58,489 --> 00:14:00,749
Look, Ben, you gotta
stop doing this.
371
00:14:00,752 --> 00:14:02,752
All right?
Go live your own life.
372
00:14:02,754 --> 00:14:04,974
I can't.
That's the point.
373
00:14:04,974 --> 00:14:06,894
Look, you know I love Clyde,
374
00:14:06,889 --> 00:14:09,719
but this Two and a Half Men
BS has gone on long enough.
375
00:14:09,718 --> 00:14:11,368
I can't be the mother
that he deserves.
376
00:14:11,372 --> 00:14:13,072
I got my own crap
to deal with.
377
00:14:13,069 --> 00:14:14,589
And if you're serious
about keeping him,
378
00:14:14,592 --> 00:14:16,682
then you need to start
building a family.
379
00:14:16,681 --> 00:14:20,161
Oh, that's your plan?
I go on one date and then I marry her?
380
00:14:20,163 --> 00:14:21,643
Well, it's a start.
381
00:14:21,643 --> 00:14:24,123
Sure, and when we divorce,
you can marry her, too,
382
00:14:24,124 --> 00:14:26,914
'cause marrying my ex-wives
is your favorite thing to do.
383
00:14:26,909 --> 00:14:29,609
Aww, for...
For fuck's sake!
384
00:14:29,607 --> 00:14:31,517
That was one time!
385
00:14:31,522 --> 00:14:33,572
♪ ♪
386
00:14:33,568 --> 00:14:36,008
It's gonna be
about a 30-to-40-minute wait.
387
00:14:36,005 --> 00:14:37,525
♪ ♪
388
00:14:37,528 --> 00:14:39,178
Okay.
389
00:14:39,182 --> 00:14:41,882
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
390
00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:43,881
30 to 40-minute wait.
391
00:14:43,883 --> 00:14:46,453
You know they got
a table back there.
392
00:14:46,450 --> 00:14:48,710
When I was a music critic,
I could just drop a band name.
393
00:14:48,713 --> 00:14:50,243
We'd be in like that.No way.
394
00:14:50,237 --> 00:14:51,717
You're a critic?
[CLICKS TONGUE]
395
00:14:51,716 --> 00:14:53,276
I'm a critic too.
396
00:14:53,283 --> 00:14:55,023
Really?Mm-hmm.
397
00:14:55,024 --> 00:14:57,374
Online food critic.Oh.
398
00:14:57,374 --> 00:14:58,814
Whoa, okay.
For... For who?
399
00:14:58,810 --> 00:15:00,120
Yelp.
400
00:15:00,116 --> 00:15:03,336
Yeah, I've done over
2,000 Yelp reviews.
401
00:15:03,337 --> 00:15:05,857
I'm kind of well-known.
I'm Yelp Elite.
402
00:15:05,861 --> 00:15:07,991
What's that?
403
00:15:07,994 --> 00:15:11,354
Um, it's a status
given to a small percentage of Yelp reviewers.
404
00:15:11,345 --> 00:15:12,995
It's based
on a number of things
405
00:15:12,999 --> 00:15:16,219
like well-written reviews
and good restaurant tips
406
00:15:16,219 --> 00:15:19,139
and... And the ability
to have a little fun with it,
407
00:15:19,135 --> 00:15:20,785
like I'm sure you do
with your reviews.
408
00:15:20,789 --> 00:15:22,569
Not really.
409
00:15:22,573 --> 00:15:24,363
Um, so, wait, do you get paid
to be a Yelp reviewer?
410
00:15:24,358 --> 00:15:28,748
Well, no, but we did sue
for unpaid compensation.
411
00:15:28,753 --> 00:15:31,193
"Unpaid comp"...
I thought Yelp doesn't pay?
412
00:15:31,191 --> 00:15:34,061
You're thinking of crime.[BOTH LAUGH]
413
00:15:34,063 --> 00:15:35,803
Besides, I'm Yelp Elite.
414
00:15:35,804 --> 00:15:38,244
Uh, so Yelp Elite pays?No, that's why we sued.
415
00:15:39,199 --> 00:15:41,289
Okay, I'm confused.
416
00:15:41,288 --> 00:15:43,118
You sued to get money
for reviews
417
00:15:43,116 --> 00:15:45,156
no one asked you to write
on the free site
418
00:15:45,161 --> 00:15:47,161
where no one ever gets paid?
419
00:15:47,163 --> 00:15:51,043
Do you have any idea
how much advertising revenue Yelp makes
420
00:15:51,037 --> 00:15:52,557
from Yelp Elite reviewers
like me?
421
00:15:52,560 --> 00:15:53,950
Yeah, but that's
not the point.
422
00:15:53,953 --> 00:15:55,693
Their whole thing
is that if you want,
423
00:15:55,693 --> 00:15:58,353
you can write a review,
and if not, it's your call.
424
00:15:58,348 --> 00:15:59,868
HOSTESS: Excuse me?
425
00:15:59,871 --> 00:16:01,741
Did I hear you say
that you're Yelp Elite?
426
00:16:01,743 --> 00:16:03,403
Yes.
427
00:16:03,397 --> 00:16:05,087
Oh, we certainly appreciate
you dining with us tonight.
428
00:16:05,094 --> 00:16:06,704
Please, follow me
this way.
429
00:16:06,704 --> 00:16:09,104
Your table is ready.Thank you.
430
00:16:09,098 --> 00:16:11,138
♪ ♪
431
00:16:13,363 --> 00:16:14,633
Oh.
432
00:16:14,625 --> 00:16:16,445
You're all set
for the fundraiser.
433
00:16:16,453 --> 00:16:18,983
Hey, how are you doing?[CLYDE COOS]
434
00:16:18,978 --> 00:16:21,498
Uh, I'm sorry, "all set"
435
00:16:21,502 --> 00:16:23,722
in that you told Father Mike
I'm not doing it, right?
436
00:16:23,721 --> 00:16:25,111
No, better.
I got you a band.
437
00:16:25,114 --> 00:16:26,774
I don't need a band.
438
00:16:26,768 --> 00:16:28,938
I told you that I don't...Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
439
00:16:28,944 --> 00:16:32,174
You're not worried
about somebody stealing the spotlight, are you?
440
00:16:32,165 --> 00:16:34,115
You think Salt worried
about Pepa?
441
00:16:34,123 --> 00:16:35,783
Okay, that's not the...
442
00:16:35,777 --> 00:16:38,607
The issue is that I...
I've never been good
443
00:16:38,606 --> 00:16:40,516
at performing
in front of people.
444
00:16:40,521 --> 00:16:42,181
Well, that's why
I got you a band,
445
00:16:42,175 --> 00:16:44,045
so you won't be alone.
446
00:16:44,046 --> 00:16:46,346
Look, I said I'd take care
of you, and I am.
447
00:16:46,353 --> 00:16:48,093
Now, stop worrying
about the show
448
00:16:48,094 --> 00:16:50,054
and stay focused
on writing some new songs.
449
00:16:50,052 --> 00:16:51,532
You're not hearing me.
450
00:16:51,532 --> 00:16:53,322
Uh, wait, why do I need to
write new songs?
451
00:16:53,316 --> 00:16:55,006
You don't think
my songs are good?
452
00:16:55,014 --> 00:16:58,284
Well, they're baby good,
453
00:16:58,278 --> 00:17:01,408
but you're not just singing
for Clyde anymore.
454
00:17:01,411 --> 00:17:03,941
Look, you don't
want to embarrass yourself
455
00:17:03,935 --> 00:17:06,545
and your management
up there, do you?
456
00:17:06,547 --> 00:17:07,807
Do you?
457
00:17:08,766 --> 00:17:09,936
[SHOUTS] Do you?No.
458
00:17:12,205 --> 00:17:13,375
Excuse me?Uh-huh?
459
00:17:13,380 --> 00:17:15,730
Hi, um,
I just have a question
460
00:17:15,730 --> 00:17:17,600
about the
wild Atlantic salmon special.
461
00:17:17,601 --> 00:17:19,171
Mm-hmm?
462
00:17:19,168 --> 00:17:20,388
You mean
"farm-raised salmon," right?
463
00:17:20,387 --> 00:17:22,037
Uh, no, it's wild salmon.
464
00:17:22,041 --> 00:17:23,831
Oh, okay.
465
00:17:23,825 --> 00:17:26,605
Well, just so that you know
and so that the chef knows,
466
00:17:26,610 --> 00:17:30,660
there is
no wild Atlantic salmon at this time of year.
467
00:17:30,658 --> 00:17:33,178
With all due respect, ma'am,
actually, there is.
468
00:17:33,182 --> 00:17:34,582
It was delivered fresh today.
469
00:17:34,575 --> 00:17:35,965
Oh, yeah, no, I have no doubt
470
00:17:35,967 --> 00:17:38,057
that what you have
was delivered today.
471
00:17:38,057 --> 00:17:40,277
It's just not
wild Atlantic salmon
472
00:17:40,276 --> 00:17:43,056
because that doesn't exist
this time of year.
473
00:17:43,975 --> 00:17:45,795
Maybe it was frozen.
474
00:17:45,803 --> 00:17:48,553
No, there's no wild salmon
in the North Atlantic, period.
475
00:17:48,545 --> 00:17:50,455
I'm just being kind
to give her an out.
476
00:17:51,505 --> 00:17:53,545
And I appreciate that,
477
00:17:53,550 --> 00:17:55,860
but the chef says
it is wild Atlantic salmon,
478
00:17:55,857 --> 00:17:57,207
so somehow they got it.
479
00:17:57,206 --> 00:17:58,726
Perhaps from Spain.
480
00:17:58,729 --> 00:18:01,299
Well, that would be
wild Atlantic "thalmon," no?
481
00:18:01,297 --> 00:18:04,207
[LAUGHS]Uh, I wanna
have the rib eye.
482
00:18:04,213 --> 00:18:05,563
Mm-hmm.Medium rare
483
00:18:05,562 --> 00:18:06,822
with creamed spinach.
484
00:18:06,824 --> 00:18:08,614
Great, I am positive
485
00:18:08,609 --> 00:18:10,569
that the spinach is running
this time of year.
486
00:18:10,567 --> 00:18:11,567
[CHUCKLES]
487
00:18:14,832 --> 00:18:16,572
And for you, ma'am?
488
00:18:16,573 --> 00:18:20,663
Um, I think I'm gonna have...
489
00:18:20,664 --> 00:18:23,324
The farmed salmon special.
490
00:18:23,319 --> 00:18:24,799
Mm-hmm.
491
00:18:27,149 --> 00:18:28,629
Did you just write
"wild salmon"?
492
00:18:29,325 --> 00:18:31,145
No.
493
00:18:31,153 --> 00:18:32,593
It looked
like you wrote a "W."
494
00:18:33,895 --> 00:18:35,235
I'm gonna put your order in.
495
00:18:38,421 --> 00:18:41,081
Well, she was
a little snitty.
496
00:18:41,076 --> 00:18:44,076
[CHUCKLES]
Just trying to help.
497
00:18:44,079 --> 00:18:47,299
♪ ♪
498
00:18:47,300 --> 00:18:50,220
Well, turns out
people with kids can be assholes too.
499
00:18:51,260 --> 00:18:53,520
Didn't go so well, huh?
500
00:18:53,523 --> 00:18:56,003
Yeah, I figured when
you didn't return any of my voicemails.
501
00:18:56,004 --> 00:18:59,624
Oh, no, I... I still don't
know how to check messages on this stupid drug phone.
502
00:18:59,616 --> 00:19:02,136
Ah, see, I told you.
You should have gone with the ZR9.
503
00:19:02,141 --> 00:19:04,581
Checking messages is a cinch
with their visual voicemail.
504
00:19:04,578 --> 00:19:07,358
Okay, well,
to answer your question, tonight was terrible.
505
00:19:07,363 --> 00:19:08,713
It was awful.
506
00:19:08,712 --> 00:19:10,152
I'd rather
put the kid up for adoption
507
00:19:10,149 --> 00:19:12,189
than sit through
another date like that.
508
00:19:12,194 --> 00:19:14,114
Okay, well, don't let one
bad date get you down.
509
00:19:14,109 --> 00:19:15,369
You know, it's like they say.
510
00:19:15,371 --> 00:19:16,371
Plenty of other fish
in the sea.
511
00:19:16,372 --> 00:19:17,982
Not according to her.
512
00:19:18,983 --> 00:19:20,863
[DOOR CLOSES]
513
00:19:20,855 --> 00:19:23,805
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
514
00:19:23,814 --> 00:19:26,994
♪ ♪
515
00:19:26,991 --> 00:19:30,341
Hey, Mike, those speakers
take ten minutes to hook up.
516
00:19:30,343 --> 00:19:32,653
What am I doing here
this early?
517
00:19:32,649 --> 00:19:35,609
I understand you're
finally considering adoption for Clyde.
518
00:19:35,609 --> 00:19:38,569
Who told you that?I promised I wouldn't say.
519
00:19:38,568 --> 00:19:40,178
It was Ben.
520
00:19:40,179 --> 00:19:41,349
I'm gonna kill him.
521
00:19:42,659 --> 00:19:44,839
Fine. But first,
come into my office.
522
00:19:44,835 --> 00:19:46,615
I want to introduce you
to a local couple
523
00:19:46,620 --> 00:19:48,580
who are hoping
to grow their family.
524
00:19:48,578 --> 00:19:50,618
Are you fucking kidding me?
525
00:19:50,624 --> 00:19:53,244
Look, it's just
an introduction.
526
00:19:53,235 --> 00:19:54,755
No.
527
00:19:54,758 --> 00:19:57,458
Sam, I know you have Clyde's
best interests at heart.
528
00:19:57,457 --> 00:20:01,367
What harm can there
possibly be in weighing all the options?
529
00:20:01,374 --> 00:20:02,594
Hmm?
530
00:20:03,811 --> 00:20:05,771
Allow me
to introduce Baby Clyde.
531
00:20:11,775 --> 00:20:13,645
Uh-uh.Yeah, wait a second.
532
00:20:13,647 --> 00:20:16,647
Uh, we didn't realize
he was the father.
533
00:20:16,650 --> 00:20:18,910
Oh, I'm not the father.
I'm the brother.
534
00:20:18,913 --> 00:20:20,963
Ooh, this could be
a real deal-breaker, Father.
535
00:20:20,958 --> 00:20:23,088
You are definitely
not getting your full finder's fee.
536
00:20:23,091 --> 00:20:25,401
MIKE: Uh...
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]
537
00:20:25,398 --> 00:20:28,918
I made it very clear
that I'm not benefiting personally financially.
538
00:20:28,923 --> 00:20:32,143
Any fees would go
directly to the church.
539
00:20:32,143 --> 00:20:33,673
Well, through me.
540
00:20:33,667 --> 00:20:36,277
Trev, I think we should go
with the original plan
541
00:20:36,278 --> 00:20:37,798
and look into children
in Malawi.
542
00:20:37,801 --> 00:20:40,151
Mm, I suppose
they are more in need.
543
00:20:40,151 --> 00:20:42,021
Eh, let's not be hasty.
544
00:20:42,023 --> 00:20:45,723
Trust me,
this child is in grave need.
545
00:20:45,722 --> 00:20:49,292
Little Clyde
is being raised by a single janitor
546
00:20:49,291 --> 00:20:51,121
with a long history
of addiction
547
00:20:51,119 --> 00:20:53,249
and antisocial
behavior.
548
00:20:53,252 --> 00:20:56,732
Without a nurturing
support system,
549
00:20:56,733 --> 00:20:59,563
this baby is destined
to follow suit.
550
00:20:59,562 --> 00:21:01,962
Okay, first of all,
I'm standing right here,
551
00:21:01,956 --> 00:21:04,386
and second of all,
he's doing pretty good with me.
552
00:21:04,393 --> 00:21:06,183
"He"? [LAUGHS]
Wow, wow.
553
00:21:06,177 --> 00:21:07,737
So we're assigning
pronouns now?
554
00:21:07,744 --> 00:21:09,664
Hmm.What?
555
00:21:09,659 --> 00:21:12,449
What makes you think
you know their preferred pronouns?
556
00:21:12,445 --> 00:21:15,315
I just thought the penis
was a pretty good clue.
557
00:21:15,317 --> 00:21:17,227
Uh, we believe
in raising children
558
00:21:17,232 --> 00:21:19,282
gender-neutral
until they're five
559
00:21:19,278 --> 00:21:23,108
and can decide which gender,
if any, they identify with.
560
00:21:23,107 --> 00:21:25,497
Okay, Mike,
thank you for trying to help.
561
00:21:25,501 --> 00:21:27,291
We can consider
this option weighed,
562
00:21:27,286 --> 00:21:29,506
and you know what?
563
00:21:29,505 --> 00:21:31,245
Clyde stays with me.
564
00:21:31,246 --> 00:21:33,066
I'm keeping him.
565
00:21:33,074 --> 00:21:34,644
You don't know
it's a "him"!
566
00:21:36,469 --> 00:21:38,989
♪ ♪
567
00:21:43,998 --> 00:21:46,038
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
568
00:21:46,043 --> 00:21:48,223
Hell of a day to be late.
This is the big dance.
569
00:21:48,219 --> 00:21:50,659
I'm sorry,
I was up all night writing songs.
570
00:21:50,657 --> 00:21:52,527
Where's the band?Right here.
571
00:21:53,790 --> 00:21:55,710
What?
572
00:21:55,705 --> 00:21:58,225
Come on, do you guys have
any musical experience at all?
573
00:21:58,229 --> 00:22:00,539
Hell, yeah. I used to play
with Pure Prairie League.
574
00:22:00,536 --> 00:22:01,886
Really?
575
00:22:01,885 --> 00:22:03,575
Okay, you caught me
in a lie.
576
00:22:03,583 --> 00:22:05,413
New Guy,
why didn't you call Roger?
577
00:22:05,411 --> 00:22:06,541
He's an actual drummer.
578
00:22:07,543 --> 00:22:08,723
He passed.
579
00:22:11,417 --> 00:22:13,507
Okay, you know what?
I can't... I can't do this.
580
00:22:13,506 --> 00:22:14,856
I can't do this.
I have no songs.
581
00:22:14,855 --> 00:22:16,415
It's raining.
There's no band.
582
00:22:16,422 --> 00:22:18,552
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Look at me.
583
00:22:18,554 --> 00:22:20,304
You gotta trust me.
584
00:22:20,295 --> 00:22:22,075
I'll take care of everything.
585
00:22:22,079 --> 00:22:25,209
Remember where you were
when I first discovered you?
586
00:22:25,213 --> 00:22:29,353
Raising a baby
and putting videos online like some webcam whore.
587
00:22:29,348 --> 00:22:30,438
Now look at you.
588
00:22:31,741 --> 00:22:33,311
What? What...
What is it?
589
00:22:33,308 --> 00:22:34,658
You... You don't
like the band?[SIGHS]
590
00:22:34,657 --> 00:22:37,617
Okay, watch this.
You guys are fired.
591
00:22:37,617 --> 00:22:40,577
Aww, come on.
I've been practicing for three whole days. Look.
592
00:22:41,229 --> 00:22:42,229
Out!
593
00:22:43,057 --> 00:22:45,447
Get the fuck out!
594
00:22:45,451 --> 00:22:46,631
S-see you tomorrow night.
595
00:22:47,801 --> 00:22:49,801
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
596
00:22:49,803 --> 00:22:51,243
You see?
597
00:22:51,239 --> 00:22:52,849
It's me and you, baby.
598
00:22:52,849 --> 00:22:54,759
Always has been...
599
00:22:54,764 --> 00:22:56,464
Always will be.
600
00:22:56,462 --> 00:22:57,992
I'll see you later.
601
00:22:57,985 --> 00:23:00,115
♪ ♪
602
00:23:00,117 --> 00:23:01,287
ALL: Yeah!
603
00:23:01,292 --> 00:23:02,602
Yes!Take that, clown!
604
00:23:02,598 --> 00:23:03,768
Stevie, I've been
looking for you.
605
00:23:03,773 --> 00:23:05,123
CLAIRE: Guys!
606
00:23:05,122 --> 00:23:07,342
Hey, I need a break over here!
607
00:23:07,342 --> 00:23:10,302
[SHRIEKS]All right, Claire! [LAUGHS]
608
00:23:10,301 --> 00:23:12,261
Hey, you are
a god, man.
609
00:23:12,260 --> 00:23:14,830
What?The Toto.
610
00:23:14,828 --> 00:23:16,998
My asshole's
not in Kansas anymore.
611
00:23:17,004 --> 00:23:19,184
[LAUGHS]Best purchase
of my life.
612
00:23:19,180 --> 00:23:20,830
Well, I'm glad
it worked out for you.
613
00:23:20,834 --> 00:23:22,664
Yeah, man,
I cranked that puppy up to ten.
614
00:23:22,662 --> 00:23:24,052
Shit, Jesus Christ.
615
00:23:24,054 --> 00:23:25,934
Mugs, have you read
the instructions?
616
00:23:25,926 --> 00:23:27,926
I've had the Toto for a while.
I haven't taken it past three.
617
00:23:27,928 --> 00:23:30,368
That thing will
shred your asshole, all right?
618
00:23:30,365 --> 00:23:31,705
Unless you've been
to prison.
619
00:23:31,714 --> 00:23:33,504
Okay, well,
I'm a little sore,
620
00:23:33,499 --> 00:23:36,549
but I am clean
as a whistle.
621
00:23:36,545 --> 00:23:37,845
CLOUD: Whistles
are rather dirty.
622
00:23:37,851 --> 00:23:40,241
You know, full of spit
and bacteria.
623
00:23:40,244 --> 00:23:41,774
I'm talking about
a train whistle, Cloud.
624
00:23:41,768 --> 00:23:43,118
Oh.
625
00:23:43,117 --> 00:23:46,207
Anyway, check these, uh,
babies out, huh?
626
00:23:46,207 --> 00:23:47,857
Yeah. [LAUGHS]Yeah.
627
00:23:47,861 --> 00:23:49,381
I haven't had
the rectal confidence
628
00:23:49,384 --> 00:23:51,654
to wear white pants
since the '80s.
629
00:23:51,647 --> 00:23:52,947
[BOTH LAUGHING]
630
00:23:52,953 --> 00:23:54,613
Please.
631
00:23:54,607 --> 00:23:56,297
For the love of God,
Loudermilk, can you take my place?
632
00:23:57,000 --> 00:23:59,440
[SHRIEKS]
633
00:23:59,438 --> 00:24:02,008
[GASPS, SCREAMS]
Fuck you, you little shit!
634
00:24:02,005 --> 00:24:04,005
Ha-ha!
635
00:24:04,007 --> 00:24:08,137
If you haven't noticed,
I have a baby here. Where's Ben?
636
00:24:08,142 --> 00:24:10,972
[SIGHS]
Backstage, I think.
637
00:24:10,971 --> 00:24:14,581
[PANTING] Look, Loudermilk,
can you please take my spot? I'm dying here.
638
00:24:14,583 --> 00:24:17,023
Let me think about it.
639
00:24:17,020 --> 00:24:19,590
[SCREAMS][ALL LAUGH]
640
00:24:19,588 --> 00:24:21,978
[SCREAMING]
641
00:24:21,982 --> 00:24:24,162
ALL:
♪ This little light of mine
642
00:24:24,158 --> 00:24:26,158
♪ I'm gonna let it shine
643
00:24:26,160 --> 00:24:29,210
♪ Let it shine,
let it shine, let it shine ♪
644
00:24:29,206 --> 00:24:31,766
Hey, why the fuck
did you tell Father Mike
645
00:24:31,774 --> 00:24:33,084
I was putting Clyde up
for adoption?
646
00:24:33,080 --> 00:24:34,860
I can't do it, Sam.
647
00:24:34,864 --> 00:24:36,824
You see these nuns?
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
648
00:24:36,823 --> 00:24:39,173
They're crushing it.What are you talking about?
649
00:24:39,173 --> 00:24:40,613
They're nuns.
You'll be fine.
650
00:24:40,609 --> 00:24:41,999
I got nothing.
651
00:24:42,002 --> 00:24:43,662
I stayed up all night
trying to write songs
652
00:24:43,656 --> 00:24:45,526
and all I ended up
with was crap.
653
00:24:45,527 --> 00:24:47,917
What about the song Claire
played us at the meeting?
654
00:24:47,921 --> 00:24:49,751
Oh, great, yeah.
The one you hated.
655
00:24:49,749 --> 00:24:52,319
I didn't hate it,
I just pointed out
656
00:24:52,316 --> 00:24:54,276
that it didn't make
any goddamn sense.
657
00:24:54,275 --> 00:24:57,445
You had a lion
and a penguin... [STAMMERS]
658
00:24:57,452 --> 00:24:59,452
A lot of songs
don't make sense, okay?
659
00:24:59,454 --> 00:25:01,464
Pinball Wizard.
660
00:25:01,456 --> 00:25:04,886
It's about a blind kid
who plays pinball using only his sense of smell.
661
00:25:04,894 --> 00:25:06,374
[APPLAUSE]
662
00:25:06,374 --> 00:25:08,594
It's like if Helen Keller's
a pool shark.
663
00:25:08,594 --> 00:25:10,424
Makes no sense.
664
00:25:10,421 --> 00:25:12,251
Follow that,
Slob Dylan.
665
00:25:12,249 --> 00:25:14,469
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
666
00:25:19,387 --> 00:25:21,997
[LIGHT APPLAUSE]
667
00:25:27,395 --> 00:25:28,825
MAN: Rock and roll!
668
00:25:28,831 --> 00:25:30,661
[MIC FEEDBACK]Are we ready to sing?
669
00:25:30,659 --> 00:25:32,179
[APPLAUSE]
670
00:25:32,182 --> 00:25:34,142
[LAUGHS] I said,
671
00:25:34,141 --> 00:25:36,061
"Are we ready to sing?"
672
00:25:36,056 --> 00:25:38,096
ALL: Yeah!
673
00:25:38,101 --> 00:25:40,761
[APPLAUSE]
674
00:25:40,756 --> 00:25:44,406
♪ There's many kinds
of animals
675
00:25:44,412 --> 00:25:47,242
♪ And all of them are friends
676
00:25:47,241 --> 00:25:50,421
♪ Like wolves and hamsters
and manta rays
677
00:25:50,418 --> 00:25:53,458
♪ And even barnyard hens
678
00:25:53,464 --> 00:25:56,904
♪ But of all these
animal buddies
679
00:25:56,903 --> 00:25:59,733
♪ Two are close as kin
680
00:25:59,732 --> 00:26:02,432
♪ The strong and noble lion
681
00:26:02,430 --> 00:26:04,780
♪ And the trustworthy penguin
682
00:26:04,780 --> 00:26:07,000
♪ ♪
683
00:26:07,000 --> 00:26:10,090
♪ The lion and the penguin
are best friends
684
00:26:10,090 --> 00:26:13,570
♪ Side by side in the forest
like bookends
685
00:26:13,572 --> 00:26:17,312
♪ The penguin helps the lion
comb his hair
686
00:26:17,314 --> 00:26:18,794
♪ And the lion
protects the penguin
687
00:26:18,794 --> 00:26:20,584
♪ From the polar bear
688
00:26:20,579 --> 00:26:23,149
So when Father Mike told me
the church might be closing,
689
00:26:23,146 --> 00:26:25,276
I said, "Something
has to be done."
690
00:26:25,279 --> 00:26:27,589
I don't know if you're aware,
but we also run a soup kitchen...
691
00:26:27,586 --> 00:26:29,586
That's nice,
but you left like 20 messages
692
00:26:29,588 --> 00:26:31,238
telling me
that there's an emergency.
693
00:26:31,241 --> 00:26:33,031
Oh, so losing
the soup kitchen for crackheads
694
00:26:33,026 --> 00:26:34,716
isn't an emergency to you?
695
00:26:34,723 --> 00:26:36,943
They may not have teeth,
but they still have to eat.
696
00:26:36,943 --> 00:26:38,813
Hey, fuck-stick!
697
00:26:38,814 --> 00:26:40,864
I want my money
for the slip-and-fall!
698
00:26:40,860 --> 00:26:42,210
Wait right there.
699
00:26:42,209 --> 00:26:44,079
I just have to confer
with a client.
700
00:26:47,606 --> 00:26:49,606
Charlie, I told you,
we lost that case.
701
00:26:49,608 --> 00:26:50,998
You lost.
702
00:26:51,000 --> 00:26:53,130
I did exactly
what you told me to do.
703
00:26:53,133 --> 00:26:55,703
Oh, no, you didn't.
They have that video of you at the salad bar
704
00:26:55,701 --> 00:26:57,531
spilling ranch dressing
on the ground.
705
00:26:57,528 --> 00:27:00,748
Is it against the law
to be clumsy? I want my money.
706
00:27:00,749 --> 00:27:03,009
Charlie, can we please
take this up another time?
707
00:27:03,012 --> 00:27:04,412
What?
708
00:27:04,405 --> 00:27:06,965
Are you running a racket
on the brunette too?
709
00:27:06,973 --> 00:27:09,983
Make sure you get paid
up front, lady!
710
00:27:09,976 --> 00:27:13,366
♪ The lion plays poker with kangaroo
711
00:27:13,370 --> 00:27:17,070
♪ And the penguin was married to a goat named Sue
712
00:27:17,070 --> 00:27:20,200
♪ But in the divorce she got the igloo
713
00:27:20,203 --> 00:27:22,033
♪ At first
the penguin was resentful
714
00:27:22,031 --> 00:27:23,731
♪ But then he pulled through
715
00:27:23,729 --> 00:27:25,509
♪ It's not that
the goat's a bad person
716
00:27:25,513 --> 00:27:27,173
♪ She's just different
than you
717
00:27:27,167 --> 00:27:30,517
♪ Or maybe she's not and it's just a timing issue
718
00:27:30,518 --> 00:27:33,038
♪ And that's a song
about animal friends ♪
719
00:27:33,042 --> 00:27:34,442
♪ ♪
720
00:27:34,435 --> 00:27:37,305
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
721
00:27:39,701 --> 00:27:42,231
Hey, what do you think?
722
00:27:42,225 --> 00:27:44,045
Yeah, it was all right.
723
00:27:44,053 --> 00:27:46,453
Well, that was fun,
the other night.
724
00:27:46,447 --> 00:27:49,797
Especially when you said
my profession was basically a waste of time.
725
00:27:49,798 --> 00:27:52,238
I don't think
I said "basically."
726
00:27:52,235 --> 00:27:54,145
Hey, again,
it was a real blast.
727
00:27:54,150 --> 00:27:55,630
In fact, I reviewed it.
728
00:28:00,417 --> 00:28:02,767
"Paid little to no attention
to my needs,
729
00:28:02,768 --> 00:28:05,638
"was argumentative
and slow to return calls,
730
00:28:05,640 --> 00:28:07,470
"flirted openly
with the waitress.
731
00:28:07,468 --> 00:28:09,378
I will not be
dating here again."
732
00:28:09,383 --> 00:28:10,953
Hmm.
733
00:28:10,950 --> 00:28:12,780
Still gave me
three stars.
734
00:28:12,778 --> 00:28:15,218
Well, I like
that you're into archery.
735
00:28:15,215 --> 00:28:18,125
[PHONE ALERT BEEPING]
736
00:28:20,307 --> 00:28:22,397
[PHONE ALERTS BEEPING]
737
00:28:22,396 --> 00:28:24,436
The hell's going on?It's an AMBER alert.
738
00:28:24,441 --> 00:28:26,401
[PHONE BUZZING]
739
00:28:26,400 --> 00:28:27,920
What?
740
00:28:29,316 --> 00:28:31,796
I didn't get an
AMBER alert. [GRUNTS]
741
00:28:31,797 --> 00:28:34,707
[PETE YORN'S IDOLSPLAYING]
742
00:28:34,713 --> 00:28:36,893
♪ ♪
743
00:28:39,108 --> 00:28:43,068
♪ Understudy
of a main attraction
744
00:28:43,069 --> 00:28:47,159
♪ Kicking everything
to the side
745
00:28:47,160 --> 00:28:51,250
♪ Ever wondered 'bout
your sleeping habits?
746
00:28:51,251 --> 00:28:55,601
♪ We won't ever have to
say good-bye
747
00:28:55,603 --> 00:28:57,343
♪ ♪
748
00:28:57,344 --> 00:29:02,444
♪ We won't ever have to
say good-bye
749
00:29:02,436 --> 00:29:05,396
[VOCALIZING]
750
00:29:05,395 --> 00:29:07,265
♪ ♪
751
00:29:07,267 --> 00:29:11,007
♪ Understudy
of a main attraction
752
00:29:11,010 --> 00:29:15,230
♪ Kicking everything
to survive
753
00:29:15,231 --> 00:29:19,151
♪ Never wondered 'bout your
sleeping habits
754
00:29:19,148 --> 00:29:21,798
♪ We don't ever have to
say good-bye ♪
755
00:29:21,848 --> 00:29:26,398
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