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- Now, that is a classy Irish pub.

Well, the exterior anyway.

My parents Pete and Mary built this place

when they came across the pond from Ireland.

My cousin Phil and I,

we used to play here like it was a jungle gym.

And I actually lost my virginity in the walk-in freezer,

which I don't recommend.

This used to be a popular spot too,

but we hit a rough patch after my mom died.

Dad started drinking a lot,

much more than the average Irishman.

We lost customers, and things

have never really been the same.

And actually my dad's been having a lot of problems

recently, which leads me to wonder,

what the hell is next.

- Fuck them!

- Jesus, Pete, how can you tend bar

when you're drunker than all of us put together?

- What's the matter, Pete, banks after you again?

- What do you know about banks?

- Kiss my ass, you drunken mick.

- That's it, I warned you.

- What the hell are you laughing at,

you half-wit shit mopper?

- Hey, calm down, Pete, just take it easy!

- They think they're gonna take this place?

- Pete!

- Fuck 'em, I'll show them.

- Hey, hey, hey!

- Hey, where you going, Pete?

- You gonna take my bar, huh?

- Would you like to make a deposit today?

- Oh, I'll deposit Sally up your fucking ass!

- Would you like to make a deposit today?

- Who's laughing now, you computer cocksucker!

♪ It's hot we not up on it

- What are you doing?

- What's up, cuz?

Little CB, little cocktail break.

- Well it's getting busy back there,

and Vince is asking about you.

Did you get that pizza to Emory yet?

- No worries, next on my checklist.

- So you have a list.

- Yeah, it's right, see, it's CB and then Emory.

- Okay great, well, it's been like two hours,

so you might wanna step on it.

- Whatever, you should deliver it.

Okay, you owe me from last week.

- Oh, yeah, oh, oh, right.

Right, you live in my basement and I owe you.

- Why do you always have to bring that up?

That has nothing to do with what we're dealing with.

- What did you pay me last month in rent?

You gave me a Boyz II Men greatest hits CD,

you know, which I liked,

but just, please, why don't you go and deliver those pies

so Vince doesn't go crazy on us.

- Whatever.

- Shit, yeah.

- Hey, Danny, it's Gabe Greenberg.

I've gotta talk to you about your father.

He's gotten himself into a real jam,

and I'm not sure I can get him out of it this time.

- What did he do?

- Let's see, he got drunk, shocker.

And then of course he drove,

and he drunkenly attacked an ATM.

- Okay, holy shit, bail?

- No, I think we're looking at some time.

I mean, he doesn't have a dime in the bank,

and unless you start delivering cocaine instead of pizza,

you ain't gonna be able to help him out.

Although pot and pizza's a pretty good idea.

He wants to talk to you

so let's meet at the jail at 2:30,

and we'll figure it all out then, okay?

- Okay, I'll see you there.

- All right, buddy.

- I ordered that pizza, like, 2 1/2 hours ago.

- Oh, yeah, sorry about that, man.

I had to take this massive shit,

and I couldn't find a restroom,

so I was like driving around, it was crazy.

- There's a fuckin' piece missing.

- I don't make 'em, I just deliver 'em.

Sometimes they organize it differently.

- You ate my pizza.

- Okay, hold on, 11.50.

- No, I ain't paying shit.

- Oh, you're paying for it.

- Shit.

- Motherfucker!

- You're gonna pay, man.

You're gonna pay, man.

- Hey, what the hell's going on?

- This deadbeat motherfucker won't pay.

- He ate my pizza.

- We'll get you a new pizza, all right?

- Yeah, we'll see about that.

- We'll see right now.

- Yeah.

- You fired.

- What?

No, no, Vince, hold on.

Let's just back up a second.

We can talk about this.

We've been here before man.

- You drunk dummy, no more drink beer, no more eat pizza.

Bullshit.

Get out.

- I'm bullshit?

You're bullshit, motherfucker.

You're Chinese and you're tossing pizzas.

Why don't you get behind a little stir-fry

and cook me up a little Kung Pao Phooey.

All right?

You fuckin' wannabe Guido-ass.

- You fired!

You both fired.

- Whoa.

- Get out of my store!

You ain't seen nothing.

Get out of my store!

Hey!

- Hey, Pete.

- Uncle Pete.

- Dad.

- What's the damage, Rabbi?

- The best the D.A. will offer us is 60 days in here

or 31 days in a state-sponsored rehabilitation clinic.

- What?

I thought you Jews were supposed to be smart.

- Well, we did split the atom and perfect the Ponzi scheme,

but the Asians have co-opted the smart stereotype.

And the small-penis one, thank God.

- I hear rehab is a breeze.

- I heard it's actually kind of fun.

Big rubber balls and cookies and punch.

- Shut up, you two.

I didn't bring you here for moral support.

You two will have to run the bar while I'm in.

- Wait, what are you talking about?

- I've got the house down as collateral,

and if I don't make a $10,000 payment on the 1st,

they're taking the bar, they're taking the house,

and you two will be out on your asses where you belong.

- Don't give me shit.

It's not my fault that you ran everyone out of your own bar.

- Who do you think you're talking to?

- Okay, time to go.

- Don't you lose that bar!

Do not lose that fuckin' bar!

- Can they really take everything?

- Yeah.

The old man took a second mortgage on the house,

which I had appraised at five times its value,

thank you very much.

- All right, well, tell me this, Gabe.

How much does the bar make?

- I think the better question would be,

how much does the bar lose?

Danny, you need to go down there

and help out your old man for a little while,

but you boys also need to find another place to live.

I'll help you out any way I can.

Just give me the word.

- I can't pay rent.

- Except for money.

You know the thing about Jews being cheap.

Sorry.

- Yeah.

- You got shit all over your shirt.

- I'll wash it up, I'll wash it up.

So what is up with the wig on that guy?

- I don't,

I feel like I was just punched in the fucking stomach.

- Okay, so what do we do now?

- Hey, come on.

Stop wasting it, will you?

- It's so good.

What do you got?

- Shanahan's Whiskey is having a contest.

You write an essay, and you can win a bar in Ireland.

- Hey, you took a semester of comp at Nassau Community.

Why don't you give it a shot, do a little essay?

- Your sarcasm right now?

Not really feeling it.

So you're cut off.

- I was kind of serious.

I think you'd be good at it.

Okay, I'm kidding.

I'm sorry.

Give it back.

Okay, thank you.

- Hey, sweetie.

- Oh, I thought I felt my balls being tied off.

- I got my mom the greatest birthday gift.

- What did you get?

- A new daughter?

- Shut up, Phil.

Why don't you go in the back and play with yourself?

- No, he won't let me--

- That's a no-go around here.

When we were 12, Phil got caught in the bathroom.

- I don't do that anymore.

- So what did you get?

- A pair of gold chopsticks.

- No!

This is great.

- You know, she's getting into sushi and yoga and stuff.

- Sushi and yoga is so hot right now.

This is perfect.

She's gonna love this.

- So don't forget, dinner at seven on Thursday.

- Oh, well, honey, I can't.

I have to run the bar.

- Danny, I told you about this two weeks ago.

- I know, but you got my message, right?

- I've been buttering up my dad about giving you this job,

and I was counting on my mom's birthday

to put him over the edge.

- Really?

- What job were you buttering him up for?

- It's nothing.

Just, you know--

- Working for my father's insurance company.

- Insurance?

Danny, dream come true.

- Fuck you, Phil.

Everybody needs insurance.

- Everybody also needs their prostate checked,

but I don't see Danny lining up for that job.

- Hey, listen, you know that I want to.

I would love to be there, but I can't.

I have to fuckin' take care of the bar.

- Whatever, Danny.

- No, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Listen, so business has been really bad down here recently

and you are just cute as a button,

and I was wondering if you wanted to cocktail or bartend.

Some female energy might completely arouse some business.

It'd be good for the place.

- So you want me to come down here and wear a short dress

and maybe even show a little bit of cleavage.

- Yeah, I think that would be perfect.

- What do you think I am?

If you want a tap-dancing whore,

get Phil's girlfriend to do it.

- There's no tap dancing in the donkey show.

- You are such an asshole.

- First, I was kidding.

- Lindz, we should try it first before we get all mad.

- Fuck this place, man.

This place has been nothing but trouble

my whole fucking life.

- Yeah.

Oh, man, this place sucks.

I wish I was in the glamorous insurance industry right now.

- Phil, you know that is my only ticket out of here.

I have nothing.

I have no degree, and I have no skills.

- Lindz, with a fuckin' z.

She has a z in her name.

What, she starting junior high?

- She's looking out for me, all right?

And she's my girlfriend, and she loves me.

So I'd appreciate if you'd stop being

such an asshole to her.

Can you do that?

- If that's what you want.

- It's what I want.

- Okay.

- Oh, God, that feels so good.

- Do you like that?

- Yes, I do.

I like it very much.

Go back.

Okay, go back.

Yeah.

- Where are the diamonds?

- God!

You asshole!

- You-- - Shit.

I too can play rough at this, Miss Sinclair.

- Yeah.

Well, you can play rough by yourself.

Fuck you, I'm not kidding about this.

- I thought it would be fun with the whippy and, babe.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, baby.

I'm so sorry.

That was not fun and I thought it was gonna be fun.

That was weird.

- It's just my act at work.

It is not what I'm into.

- Okay, so Janine is not Princess Natasha.

- Get down.

Yeah, like that, bitch?

Not unless you have 30 bucks.

- I do not have $30.

- Well, I guess you're just stuck with Janine.

- Which is actually great for me, because Princess Natasha

actually scares the shit out of me.

Just a little bit.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

I was trying to get used to it.

I'm sorry.

- You know?

- What?

- If we moved in together,

we could do this every single night.

- Okay, we're gonna talk,

we're gonna do that now?

We're gonna talk.

'Cause I thought we'd maybe wait, you know--

- I think it's a great idea.

- Yeah.

- Why do we need to wait?

- That is a fun, fun idea.

It's just that I was under the impression

we were gonna take it slow, 'cause it's a big step.

- It's been two years.

You're 28.

Don't you think that maybe it's time for you

to move out of the basement?

- I enjoy my lifestyle, pardon me.

Okay, I think it looks very rustic and urban.

Why do we have to talk about this right now?

- Because I am starting to worry

that maybe I'm just wasting my time.

God, you act like such a child sometimes.

- I'm sorry maybe this child needs to be spanked.

Just on the bun cheeks.

Spank it.

Just a little slap.

Ooh, waah.

No?

- Do you even love me?

It's not--

- What the hell is that?

Damn it, Phil, you forgot to flush the toilet again.

- What's up?

What's up, son?

- So,

did you tell Janine to bring some strippers

from the club tonight?

- I did and it's just that Janine's friends

don't love dudes around them

unless they're shoving twenties in their undergarments.

You know what?

It's gonna be fine.

- Okay.

All right.

It has to be fine.

We've got to do this.

- We're doing it.

- And tonight we're working and not drinking.

- I got that down.

I got that on my checklist, work.

- Okay.

All right, I'll see you at work.

- Okay, see you then.

Okay.

Fuck.

All right.

- Hello.

Shit!

Oh, God!

Oh, yeah!

- Hello.

- Hey, man.

Was that your mom?

No, it was the news, man.

- Oh, the news, cool, man.

What are the hot topics today?

- I don't know, war and shit.

What's up?

- Listen, Danny's pop's having a little financial trouble.

We could really use some business at O.D.'s tonight.

If you guys can make it, that'd be fuckin' awesome.

- I think we're supposed to go down to The Stone

or something but, yeah, we can try to make it down there.

- Fuck The Stone, okay?

Come to O.D.'s.

Do us a favor.

- Yeah, Phil, all right.

It's cool.

- And, lay off that shit, all right?

It'll make you go blind.

- It was the news, man.

- Stupid.

- Hey, man, can I get a smoke?

Oops!

- It looks like you jokers aren't very popular.

- Where is everybody?

I thought you called people.

- I did call people.

I called everyone.

- Oh, this place is hopping.

I don't know if I can make it to the bar.

Next time I'm gonna call and make a reservation.

Where are the bartenders?

I can't find them anywhere.

It's so crowded.

They're really busy.

- Hello, welcome.

Where the fuck is everybody?

- I don't know.

At a good bar?

I came straight over from the precinct.

- Here you go, buddy boy, 12.50.

- Oh, how do you know what I want?

- Since when are you so picky?

- Since I stopped banging your mom.

- Oh, really?

'Cause she's super into fisting dudes now.

How's that going?

- Okay.

Shut the fuck up, will you?

Don't you guys see we have a problem here?

There's nobody in this fuckin' bar.

They're probably all down at The Stone.

Deadline Friday's playing, and the Jaaäger girls are there.

- Real Jaaäger girls?

- Yeah.

- Oh.

- Hey, hey, we're working here.

- Yeah, workin'.

Hey, okay, you know what?

Why don't me and Mike, why don't we go down to The Stone,

grab those dipshits and bring them back here?

- Yeah, yeah, that's great.

Go there, grab them, bring them right back.

- Yes. - Quickly.

- Like bunny rabbits.

- What, like a what?

- Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God.

Okay, yeah, yeah, so I'm on top of her, right?

The midget's still on my fuckin' back,

and I got this bat and I'm trying to hit it off.

And her mom walks in--

- What the fuck is this?

- I told you guys we should leave.

- Hey, Danny, we were just on our way over there.

- Here are your beers, guys.

- Right after these beers.

- You guys can't do me this one favor?

One time I ask for a favor.

- Danny, relax.

We're having a good time with present company.

We'll try and make it down a little later.

- This is fuckin' bullshit.

- You know what?

I just got an idea.

How about we go down to O.D.'s tomorrow night,

and we'll commandeer the place like it was old times.

- You guys promise that you are gonna come

to the bar tomorrow night?

- Yeah.

Just get ready.

Could get ugly.

- The uglier the better.

Okay.

Good.

All right, Phil, you're coming with me.

Phil.

- Motherfucker!

- How did the customer hunt go?

- We're gonna have a busy night tomorrow night.

Thanks for watching the place.

- All right, you got it.

- I'm pretty sure that chick got me in the eye

with her acrylic.

- Hey, is it red?

- Red?

What the hell happened to you?

- Phil only told the Jaaäger girl that he had a 12 inch cock,

so she slapped him.

- Do you?

- Well, it's not 12.

- Oh, come on.

You have a fuckin' dick of a hamster.

- It's a little bigger than that, thank you.

- Why'd you say it?

- For the 5%, man.

- What 5%?

- You don't know about the 5%?

Okay, here we go.

Step one, by approaching a nice young lady

and announcing your 12 inch cock,

you can immediately categorize these women.

95% of them will be angry, disgusted, even violent.

Once the weeding out is done, you've got the crucial 5%.

Now, once you've lured them in with the bait,

you're on your way home.

You're probably getting laid.

Now I found that only one in 15 of the 5%

will walk out once they see you've lied.

The other 14 realize I'm young,

I'm healthy, decent-size wiener, naked, naked.

Let nature take its course.

It's awesome.

- That is brilliant.

- As the great Robert Browning once said,

take away random pussy and our earth is a tomb.

- Did he really say that?

- Well, I think he actually said, take away love.

- What do you think of that, Harold?

- I think it's a great idea.

- We've got to start doing this now.

- Yeah.

I mean, with the women 40 and 50,

we tell them we've got a 12 inch schlong.

They haven't been laid in years anyway.

They're gonna go crazy with it.

And the old gals,

they are just damn grateful to get anything they can.

- All right, hey there Plato,

why don't you take your jumbo cock

and go move some boxes in the back.

- Aye, aye, Captain.

- Hello.

- Danny boy, how are you?

- I'm good.

I'm good, I'm good, Pop.

How's rehab?

- Not too bad, not too bad.

How's the bar doing?

- Mr. O'Donnell, remember the rules.

No discussing alcohol on the phone.

- I mean, I gave you that new car to drive.

How's traffic?

- Is everything okay?

Are you on medication right now?

Because you're not making sense.

- No, how's traffic?

Is it busy or empty?

- Okay, I got you.

Okay.

It's been about the same, dad.

- Well, maybe you should work a little harder

and getting your friends on the road.

- Okay, well, I'm trying as hard as I possibly can, dad so--

- You've got to keep those roads full

if we want to keep the car.

- Well, you're the one that ran everyone off the road

a long time ago.

- Listen, wise-ass!

If I get out of this dump

and I don't have a place to hang my hat,

there's only gonna be one person to blame,

you and that shit-heel cousin of yours!

- Well, that's two people.

- That bar's all I got left in this world,

and you better not lose it on me!

And tell the shit heel

not to drink any more of my goddamn beer!

Son of a bitch!

Fuck!

- Okay.

- Hello, and a very good day to you.

I'm looking for Mr. O'Donnell.

- Can I ask who wants to know?

Because you guys look weird.

- Oh, I'm Monroe Nunley.

I'm here representing the Whitestone Federal Bank,

and we want to talk to Mr. O'Donnell

about delinquency on his mortgages.

- Oh, that sounds really fun.

He'll be back next month.

- Well, I need to speak to him immediately.

- Well, if immediately means next month, then.

Okay?

Yeah.

- Who was at the door?

- I don't know.

Some douche bag from the bank.

- Bank?

Shit.

Hi, can I help you?

Yeah, we've got--

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, okay, okay.

All right, what are you guys doing?

You can't come in my house like this.

- We're here to liquidate $3,000 of your assets

to cover back taxes on Mr. O'Donnell's account.

It's all explained in here.

We'll try to make this as pleasant as possible for you.

- Whoa, whoa, horseshit!

Put this down!

Get out.

You want me to fuckin' cut your nuts off?

What's up?

You want this up your ass?

Fucking kabob your dicks on this thing.

Not the Xbox!

Shit, no!

- Calm down.

- Give them something else, not the Xbox.

Give them the silverware or something.

- Grow up.

It's just an Xbox.

We use that twice a year, like Christmas and Easter.

We use this every day.

I'm not giving them Grandma's silverware.

- Dude, she didn't like you anyway.

Who cares?

- Silverware?

- Absolutely.

- Some little son of a bitch keeps putting cellophane

over the toilets at school.

I spend all day long mopping up piss and shit.

When I catch who's ever doing it,

there's gonna be hell to pay.

And they're always wising off to me.

Lenny, you missed a spot.

Lenny, shine my shoes.

- Why do they call you Lenny?

- I don't know.

Some stupid book they're reading at school.

- Could it be "Of Mice and Men"?

- Yeah, that's it.

You heard of it?

- No, I have never heard of that book.

- Hey, Harold, what are you doing over there?

- Oh, nothing.

Just writing something.

- Who wants to fuck?

- What's up, Joe?

- Who wants to fuck?

- Guilty.

- What do you want to drink?

- Give me a shot of whiskey.

- Yeah! - Hey, hey, yo.

- What's up?

- Motherfucker, what's up?

- Three, four, five.

- Thought it was just three.

- No, we're doing five now.

- All right.

- Can I get one of those?

- Namath was prettier, but Tittle could throw the ball.

It landed where he threw it.

- I can't believe you dropped that fuckin' ball.

- Will you shut up already?

It was like nine years ago.

- The pain may go away, but glory lasts forever.

- It was too high, man.

- Too high my ass.

You don't know how to run a route.

- I don't know how to run a route,

you don't know how to throw a fuckin' ball.

- We'll settle this once and for all, all right?

All right?

I want you to go out on a Z-3 slant on one.

- Are you serious?

- Am I standing?

Do I look serious?

- He's very serious.

- Blue 42!

Blue 42!

Hut!

- Oh!

- Come on!

What the fuck kind of pass was that?

- A perfect one.

- It was three feet over my head.

- Try wiping the jizz off your hands, princess!

- I'll clean it up.

- Yeah, Danny will clean it up.

It's on me.

Thanks for breaking that.

- What you reading there, Einstein?

- About the Shanahan's contest.

- Yeah, maybe you better get your G.E.D.

before you start writing any essays, buddy.

- Screw you, Andrew.

- Let's be gentle.

If you have nothing nice to say,

then don't say it, you dick.

- He's pretty special, okay?

- What's up?

How you doing?

How was work?

- The usual, whatever.

- So the girls are probably parking or something?

- No.

No, they stayed in the city.

- No vag?

- For obvious reasons.

Hello, Joe.

Charming as ever.

- No girls are coming?

- You guys aren't fuckin' leaving.

You promised me you would stay all night.

- Fine.

Fine, we'll stay all night.

- Yo, yo, guys, guys, guys, Monica's at Bogart's

with four new friends from beautician school or some shit.

They want us there ASAP.

Let's go.

- No, no, no, no, no.

- Don't you fuckin' think--

- You guys sit!

- You guys said you would stay here.

You can't bail on me.

Assholes.

- I'm glad to see you have such loyal friends, Danny.

- If we can't get our friends in this fuckin' bar,

who the fuck are we gonna get here?

- Danny, it's fine.

We can worry about that tomorrow, okay?

Do you mind if Janine and I since no one's really here,

if we kind of--

- You guys are basically having sex anyways right now.

So why don't you just go?

It's fine.

- Oh, I'm sorry, Danny.

I'll try to bring my friends next weekend.

It's kind of hard getting them out of Manhattan.

- I understand.

That's cool.

- It's really hard.

- Hey, don't worry about it, kid.

We're still sticking with you.

- There you go.

- We're here for you, kiddo.

Right, George?

- You should get a corndog machine.

- What's up, Phil?

- What's up, Phil?

Really?

Right now you're gonna be like, what's up, man?

- Sorry.

We didn't know what to do with your brother.

He did like, ten shots, and he's been puking ever since.

- What a dipshit.

What time is it?

- Three.

We didn't wanna take him home.

- Smart move.

I like that.

- Hey, silly.

- Whoa, hey, look who's up.

- Well, hello, Princess Natasha.

- Fucking queer boss.

Will you take him in the tub, please, and wash him off?

Jeez.

Gross.

Dumbasses.

- It's too bad that your brother and his friends aren't 21.

You guys would make a lot of money off of them.

- No fuckin' way.

- Danny, if history has taught us anything,

it's that success comes from being resourceful.

You got to make your own luck.

No one's gonna do it for you.

- I'm not having some high school speakeasy

and getting locked up.

- Okay, first of all, we're not gonna get locked up, so--

Right, honey?

You're in law school.

We're not gonna get locked up for that, right?

- You're gonna get locked up.

- Boom.

- I thought this relationship was about support.

What?

- You're an idiot.

- What do lawyers know anyway?

Come on, man we gotta do this.

- God.

- Case in point.

Bro-ski, how many shots you have last night?

- 10.

- 10.

That's 45 bucks.

Times that by 100 horny-ass teenagers.

- No.

- Come on.

Danny, it's one night.

What could go wrong?

- First of all, I wanna say, welcome Mineola Broncos!

All right, we have some rules at this fine establishment.

- Rule number one.

- One.

- Is that there is a three-shot limit.

For every shot you get, you'll get a stamp on your hand.

After that, you're cut off.

However, there is no limit on beer.

Rule number one is in place

so that rule number two does not get broken.

And that is there is no puking in this bar.

Rule number three is that if you drove here,

you're not drinking.

Drinking and driving is exclusively an adult pastime.

You guys aren't ready for that yet.

Rule number four.

You do not tell anyone about this place

that's over the age of 21.

Not your siblings, not your counselors,

not your parents, nobody.

Or I will find you and I will kill you.

Does everyone understand?

- Yes!

- All right.

Go, Broncos!

Bar's open.

Yes!

Boom, boom, boom, boom.

- Take your shots.

- Receive.

Drink, drink, drink, drink!

Drink, drink, drink, drink!

- Drink, drink!

- Whoo!

♪ We don't like you

♪ We only want your money

♪ We don't hate you

♪ Take it all in stride no need to worry ♪

- You have a stamp?

Do you have your stamp?

Drink up!

- Chug, chug, chug, chug!

- Just have a second here so I can take a drink?

Ah.

Thank you.

- Stamp me, motherfucker!

- Yes, yes!

Whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, take it outside, retard.

- Gross.

- Whoo!

- Go, Broncos!

- Lindsay, maybe we can do this another time.

- Hey, baby.

I know you.

- Okay, you take--

- Hi.

My parents wanna sign me up for the daycare program.

- Lindsay!

- You ruined my mother's birthday.

- I know I'm sorry.

You didn't tell me you were bringing your parents

down after dinner.

I had no idea.

- I was trying to do you a favor.

I can't believe you'd do something so stupid.

- Come on, have some sympathy here.

We're in a bad situation.

- Fine.

But you better not do it again.

- Believe me, we're done.

We're never doing it again.

- Yeah, right.

You know how much money we made tonight, bro?

Whoa!

- Phil, do you know how much trouble we can get in

if we get caught doing this?

- Do you know what Saturday is?

Homecoming.

- I don't get, really?

- Yeah-uh.

- Why do you listen to this asshole?

- Not all of us can live on daddy's credit cards.

Some of us have to work for a living.

- You call serving beer to kids working?

- Yeah, I do what I have to do.

- So do I.

- No, please, don't leave us!

- Go fuck yourself! - No!

- You're not helping. - What?

That was funny.

- Lindsay, would you just give me a second?

Wait.

- You know I've been talking you up to my father for weeks.

Then I finally bring him down here and what are you doing?

You're serving drinks to the JV cheerleading squad?

- So stupid.

I'm sorry.

- Danny, this is serious.

If you get this job,

you're finally gonna be on the right track.

Then we can start thinking about our future.

- You're right.

I'm doing this to save my dad's ass.

You know that, right?

- I know what you're trying to do.

But serving drinks to kids is ridiculous.

Promise me you won't do it again.

- I promise you, I won't do it again.

- All right.

I have to go home now.

Do a little bit of damage control.

- You go do that.

Okay?

I love you.

- I love you too.

- Hey.

What'd she say?

- Well, I told her we weren't gonna do it anymore.

- Really?

Well, that's interesting.

- Yup.

So how much did we make?

- Oh, you know, just, $2,856 and zero cents.

- Ooh! - Yeah.

- That just sounds good! - Yeah.

- Shit.

Shit.

- So, hot shot, you didn't try the 5% on that girl

you're dating?

- No, man.

She's way more upscale than that, you know?

Met her at school.

- This girl's smart, huh?

- Really smart.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She dances to pay for law school.

- Oh, a lawyer.

You gonna be a lawyer?

- No, no, no, I'm gonna be a philosopher.

- What's philosophers do?

- Teach other people to be philosophers.

- To do what?

- Nothing, hang out.

- I should have gone to college, Harold.

- Yeah, but Fabio's thong just got,

because Janine wants him to move in with her.

- Oh!

That's the first step.

Next thing you know, you'll be buying her tampons.

- I don't wanna hear that word.

- You know what?

Forget about it.

You're all done.

- To the end of an era.

- No.

- Yeah, it's not--

It's not even official, so why are we cheers-ing to that?

- Oh, come on.

- In the end, they're gonna get their way.

I gotta go to the can.

- Hey, this is a good thing you're doing

for your dad here, Danny.

- Breaking the law?

- Putting your ass on the line to fix this mess.

- Yeah.

What are unwanted sons for anyways, right?

- You're not unwanted, kid.

The old man loves you.

- He's just playing hard to get?

- Between the banks and the booze, what do you expect?

He could have used some help a while ago,

but he's just too damn stubborn to ask for it.

- Yeah, I don't know what he's gonna do

if we lose this place.

He's invested his whole life into it.

- Well, looks like you're on the right track.

- You know, I don't think I'm coming back here.

I'm tired of seeing the kids all day at school.

I don't wanna see 'em here.

- Yeah?

Where are you gonna go?

- I got places to go.

- Where?

- Son of a bitch!

- What?

What's the matter?

- It's the cellophane prick!

- Oh, man, what a day.

- What's up, Mike?

- Hey.

- Let me get a beer and a shot.

- Sure.

- See you, Danny. - Take care.

- Is that the starting halfback for the Broncos?

- No.

- Hey, good luck in the game on Saturday.

- Thanks.

- Right on, man!

Knock 'em dead!

Broncos!

What's he doing in here?

- A lot has happened in the last couple days.

- Oh, shit.

What is it?

- It's from the liquor distributor.

Dad owes them 5,000 in back payments.

It says they're gonna stop delivery tomorrow

if we don't make a payment in full.

- Whoa, tomorrow?

We got homecoming this weekend.

We're gotta kill it.

- Does it just continually rain shit on my life?

- All right, well, how much did we make this weekend?

- Almost four.

- Good, four grand.

Okay, so we just need a $1,000.

Where are we gonna get a $1,000?

What?

What are we gonna do?

- I don't think you're gonna like it.

- No fuckin' way!

- You're not selling it.

You're pawning it, and we can buy the car back

within 30 days for the same price.

- I am not putting Bertha through that, okay?

We've had a lot of memories together.

And I got my first hand job in the back seat.

- I was there.

I was driving.

- I know.

You looked back a few times, I saw that.

- I did not look back. - You did look.

- Let's think about the bigger picture.

- It's your bar anyway.

Why do I have to get dragged into this stuff?

- You used to live in my basement

and you have for three years.

- Why do you have to always bring that up?

That has nothing to do with cars!

- Okay, homecoming.

After homecoming, we'll take the cash,

we'll come back, buy our cars.

- It's so risky.

- It's--

All right.

Let's just do it.

Give me the title.

- Okay, this spunky young man has our cars.

How do we get around now?

I got you.

- Oh! - Yeah, baby!

- Dude, check this out. - Whoo!

Give me some of those dice.

- Hell no.

They're my dice.

- You have so many of them.

- If I give you some dice, you've got to give me your horn.

- Not equal value.

Chicks love the horn, right?

How do you like the horn?

What does it make you feel like?

Horny, horny.

Horny, horny, horny.

That usually is gold.

- I bet they just love the horn.

I'm keeping the dice.

- That used to kill.

What's up, baby?

Who's the baddest motherfucker

riding the mean streets of Mineola?

Ow!

- Are you okay?

- Yep.

What's up, baby?

- What's up, girl?

- Hi, I have a question.

Remember me?

I'm your girlfriend.

Why haven't you called me back today?

A little car trouble, you wanna hop on?

- But remember we were supposed to go to lunch?

We had a date.

- Sorry, babe.

I was probably going to get sponsored with this thing,

doing new tricks.

- Okay, stop.

Stop.

Danny, what happened to your cars?

- What is a car really?

I mean, it's just a--

- Are you guys gonna give me a straight answer,

or am I gonna have to fuck you with a pineapple?

What is going on?

- Damn!

I'll tell you straight up, girl.

I will tell you straight up.

- Okay.

- We pawned that shit to pay the beer distributor.

- Okay, wait, wait.

What?

- You heard me.

- Okay, stop that! - All right.

- You pawned your car?

- Yeah.

- Phil! - What?

- I can't keep driving out here every single day.

Wednesday is my only free day.

How is this gonna work?

How are we ever gonna see each other?

- You guys could move in together.

- Dude, stop!

- Really?

It's that bad.

- Or we could iChat.

- IChat?

- Very accessible nowadays.

- We can have sex on iChat.

- Yeah.

- Are those my glasses?

- Yes.

Listen, Danny said it would be cool.

We could get our cars back on Monday.

- Hey. - Hi.

I have great news. - What, tell me.

- My father got an appointment next week for you

with the human resource department.

- Really? - Yeah.

- How did you pull that off?

- I told him everything.

I told him your mom is gone, your dad's an alcoholic,

and that you're really being loyal to the bar,

and that you have no real role models in your life,

and he went for it.

- Great.

- Danny, if you start a heroin habit,

you can make VP in no time.

Ain't that right, girl?

- So what do you think of my outfit?

- I don't think you've ever looked sexier in your life.

- Well I took you up on your offer,

and I'm gonna come here and help you.

- I don't think it's gonna be that busy tonight.

You know, it's a slow night.

- You should probably just tell her the truth.

- Just tell her.

- I was gonna--

How did--

- Tell me what?

- Say it, don't spray it.

- Look, we're still doing the underage thing.

- But you promised me.

- I know.

There's nothing else that we could do.

I had to pawn my car to keep the liquor flowing,

and it's just until Saturday.

- Why do I even try with you?

- Lindsay!

Lindsay, I'm sorry I have no other choice right now.

- You okay?

Cheer up, this'll help you cheer up.

- Okay, stop.

All right, that's good.

Stop.

- Hey, buddy, we've talked about this before,

and you said to never bring it up again, but I'm going to.

What the hell are you doing with that chick?

- Not in the mood, Phil.

- No, seriously, I want an explanation.

She some kind of trophy to you or something?

- You know what?

She is the only normal thing that I have in my life.

- Normal?

You think she's normal?

Because she eats a hot dog with a knife and a fork.

You know, that's not normal.

You have two hands.

You pick up the hot dog, and you eat it like,

Janine has a friend that can eat it in one bite.

She, and it just disappears, right down the hatch.

- Phil. - It's awesome.

- I grew up doing my homework on that barstool.

That one right there.

Do you call that normal?

- I call it real.

That's reality, man.

- That's not the reality that I want anymore.

- Yeah, she's beautiful and she has a trust fund,

but that doesn't mean she can walk all over you, okay?

- What do you know?

- I know she makes you miserable.

- I'm a big boy.

I think I can take care of myself.

- Okay. - Okay.

- Hello.

- Broncos win, bitch.

Oh, you should've seen it.

I rushed the field,

and I knocked out their fuckin' mascot.

And then he came to, and then I kicked him in the balls!

- Mike, the fact that you carry a gun is very disturbing.

- Oh, tough loss, guys.

You suck!

Oh, grow up.

- Were you abused as a child?

Are you trying to prove something?

- Line them up, because a hell of a party is on the way!

- Okay.

Can't wait, Mike.

- Broncos!

Get some!

- Guys, all right, I'll take these for you.

I'll take these for you.

Hey, buddy.

- Oh, hey.

- Okay, all right.

Hi.

Hey, shithead, let me give you--

You love it.

You love it.

- Looks like you boys might just make it.

- Yeah.

- Cheers.

- Cheers. - Cheers.

- Who wants to fuck?

- Yeah!

- Yeah!

- Yeah!

- Whoo!

Oh!

This place is a zoo.

Give me a shot and three rubbers.

- I got the rubbers.

- Got the shot.

- Dude, where was this place when we were in high school?

- Ain't no time to talk, fellas.

- You got some ID?

It's just too bad, isn't it?

Get out of here.

- You son of a bitch.

I thought this place was a little too risqué for you.

- Oh, I'm not here to socialize.

Just came to congratulate the team.

They had an awesome game.

- Mike, please, just complete the circle of weirdness,

will you and become a P.E. coach.

You can look at these little boys all day long.

- Hey, pain is passing, glory is forever.

- That's right.

Broncos!

- Go, Broncos!

Hey, Roach!

Oh, my God, you had an amazing run in the third quarter.

I was watching you the whole way, man.

You wanna sit down and have a beer?

- Dork.

- Yeah, oh, yeah.

- You.

- Hey, Lenny's beating up Tom!

- Take it outside.

- Fight, fight, fight, fight!

Fight, fight, fight, fight!

Fight, fight, fight, fight!

Fight, fight, fight, fight!

- There's not gonna be any fight.

I'm taking you to the principal's office.

- Office is closed, bitch!

- Fight, fight!

- No, no, no, no!

Hey, what are you?

Get out of my way.

- Hey, who just hit me?

- Get back!

Get back!

- Break it up.

Let's go, up against the wall, everybody!

Who's in charge here?

- Thanks a lot, asshole.

That would be me, Officer.

- All right, look.

I gotta do something, all right?

I got called here.

You know that.

I got called here.

- No, of course, you've got to report.

Listen, he's my brother-in-law.

I'm just asking if you could just bend a little.

- So what's the skinny?

- Let me say you two are the luckiest sons of bitches

on the planet right now.

Since everybody was outside and because I'm such a nice guy

and you're my brother-in-law,

they're only gonna charge you

with five counts of underage drinking.

Instead of the hundred, which you probably deserve.

- Shit, well, how much are they?

- 1,000.

- Oh. - Not bad.

- That's not too bad. - Each.

- 1,000 each?

- You guys should be in jail right now.

- You know what?

No, no.

I'm not sure if I'm comfortable living in a country

where an 18-year-old can't have a beer.

Yet he can go to war and carry a gun and kill people.

It's unjust.

It's un-American.

- Shut up.

- All right, move to fuckin' France then.

- Wha--

- You can drink when you're six.

Thank you very much.

We owe you big time.

- Yes, you do.

And if I may say, it's my love for Bronco football

that saved your asses.

- Broncos.

- Go, Broncos.

- Go, Broncos!

Fucking idiot.

- Hello.

- Danny boy, how are you?

- I'm good.

I'm good, Pop.

How are you?

How's rehab?

- Oh, great.

I'm doing the 12-step shuffle over here and loving it.

- Oh, that's good.

It's good to hear, Pop.

- So how's traffic over there?

- Well, we had rush hour there for a little bit.

- Oh, really?

- Yeah, till we got pulled over.

Well, that figures.

Listen.

That's probably because of that fire I read about

over at 2612 Second Street.

- 2612 Second Street?

Dad, that's the bar.

- I know it is.

Ain't that a damn shame?

- Dad, what are you talking about?

- It was a real shame.

It had to happen, I guess.

Burn it.

- Dad, I'm not gonna burn the bar.

- Oh, yes, all those poor people.

I'm sure the insurance will cover it.

Burn it.

- That's enough, Mr. O'Donnell.

That is it.

- I've just been told I have to go,

but I want you to burn that fucking bar to the ground!

- Let's go!

- You old sons of bitches.

Cocksuckers.

Fuck!

- It's a great entry-level job, Danny.

You'll learn the business from the trenches,

which will prepare you to move up later on.

- Great, that sounds perfect.

So I'm gonna be out of the office a lot, right?

- No, no, no, no.

The first few years, you'll be at your desk.

We have field agents who do the actual inspections,

but after two or three years,

there's a good chance you'll get out there.

- Two or three years?

Great.

Paying my dues, right?

- I think you're going to like it around here.

The insurance business has been good to me and my family.

- Is this your son?

- Him?

No.

That's me when I was about your age.

Handsome devil, huh?

Come on.

Let me show you around the office.

Fridays around here are always Aloha Fridays.

It helps lighten the mood a bit.

- Aloha, Herb.

- Aloha, Stu.

Who says insurance can't be fun?

Come on, let me show you to your desk.

- Whoa.

Hey, cuz.

You look fuckin' good, man.

Watch out, I'm gonna fuck you.

- I don't know if I'm up for that.

- So, how'd it go?

Did you get the job?

Right?

- I don't think I'm gonna take it.

- I don't know if that's the best idea for right now.

- Fuck you, what are you talking about?

I thought you'd be proud of me.

- Two days ago, you know, of course,

I would have told you to tell them to fuckin' fuck off.

You know?

But with these jailbait tickets,

they're gonna kill us man and we're broke.

And the bar and the house are as good as gone.

It's not really a great time to be passing up jobs

no matter how shitty they are.

- I guess you're right and it sucks too,

because I feel like I wanted this job so bad.

Now I realize that I don't want it,

and now I have to fuckin' take it.

It's like if you broke up with Janine for some reason,

then realized you're an idiot and you're in love with her,

and got back together only to find out she had a penis.

It's like it's that bad, you know?

- That'd be fuckin' rough, 'cause then it's like,

then you're like, well whose turn is it to fuck?

Or like, do I do you and then who does who?

- You would still be with her?

- What?

Oh, no.

It's just like whoever we'd probably figure that out later,

or like, she would tuck it or something.

We'd work that out.

- So you're gonna open the bar tonight?

- I don't really see any reason to.

I mean if we turn on the lights, we're pissing away money.

- Do you want to get drunk and look at some titties?

- Sure.

- Me too.

- Yeah.

- Yeah, baby.

Hi-oh!

- Whoo!

- Shots!

- Yeah!

- Oh, yes!

- I'm a bad boy.

- Yeah, girl.

Go ahead, baby, go ahead.

- So, Phil tells me you're a bounty hunter.

- I'm not a bounty hunter.

I actually own a bar.

- Oh! - Yeah.

I guess I should say I owned a bar.

- Oh.

- All right, Stace, cough it up.

- Jeez, Tony, give me a minute.

- I don't have a minute, sweetie.

Come on.

- You want a minute?

I got a stopwatch, hold it.

Ah, go.

- Thanks, sweet cakes.

You've got to be kidding me.

- Two.

Ah, good time.

- Such a slob.

- What was that about?

- We have to give him 200 bucks just to get on the stage.

- That's ridiculous.

- It's so ridiculous.

I know.

If you know of anything better, you know where I am.

I'm right here.

- Hey, hey!

- Danny, how we doing?

- We are killing it.

- Yes!

So what do you think about the new remodeling?

Not bad, huh?

Titties, never hurt anybody.

- It suits me.

Business is good.

- Yeah, I think Pete would be proud.

- Fuck!

- Harold, what the fuck you writing in there?

- My retirement plan.

- Your retirement plan?

What, are you gonna switch from disability

to social security, you lazy bastard?

Let me see.

- No.

- Come on, Harold let me see it.

Thank you.

- What's he got?

- Oh.

Take away whiskey, and our earth is a tomb.

- Oh, Harold, that's my line.

- Harold, you trying to win that Shanahan's contest?

- Yeah, I sent in a few.

What of it?

Give that back.

- Good for you, hope you win.

- Good luck on that, man.

Good luck.

- We are cleaning up.

You know what?

To making your own luck.

I love it.

- Hey, Danny,

I just want to say thank you so much for all this tonight.

You have no idea how much better than Lucky's this was.

- So thank you!

- Anytime.

You guys can come make money anytime.

- Dude, Danny.

Just a friend.

- What, are you a pimp now?

- No, I'm not, can I explain?

- Hey, Danny, I think we need to get the donkey ready

for Stacey's show.

- That's good.

We should talk outside.

- I love donkeys.

- Lindsay, she was just thanking me.

All right, we helped them out.

They made some money.

- That's the lamest thing I've ever heard.

- How is that lame?

It's gonna save the bar.

- Who cares?

You have a job now.

- About that.

I don't think I'm gonna take the job.

- What, are you kidding me?

- I'm not kidding you.

I can't work in a cubicle.

I gave it a shot, I went there,

but I can't see myself being in cubicle 4B.

I won't be Danny anymore.

- That's what adults do.

Maybe it's time for you to stop being Danny the child

and start being Danny the adult.

- Where does it say that being an adult

means you have to work in a cubicle 50 hours a week

doing fifth-grade math?

Where does it say that?

- So you'd rather just serve beer to degenerates and morons

your whole life?

- I don't know, maybe.

- Danny, I'm trying to get you out of this place.

- And into what?

A job that I'm gonna hate for the rest of my life?

- If you don't leave here, you're gonna end up in the gutter

with your loser cousin and your drunk father.

- Wow!

You have done nothing but make me feel like shit

since we've been together.

Guess what?

I'm tired of feeling like shit.

Yeah.

- Where you going?

- I think I'm gonna go inside.

I'm gonna hang out with my loser cousin,

his whore girlfriend and the bar degenerates.

Is that okay with you?

Have yourself a good life.

- Hey.

How'd it go out there?

- I walked away.

It's done.

- You all right?

- Yeah, yeah, let's talk about it.

I feel fine.

I feel good.

- Good.

- Yeah.

I mean, we're making money.

- Yes, we are.

- And,

I think we're gonna save this place.

- Great attitude, I love that.

- And I'm a free man now.

- You're definitely free.

- I think everything's gonna be all right.

It's gonna be all right.

- This is awesome.

Gonna get up here and dance myself.

What's up, guys.

What's up?

Oh, excuse me, little lamp.

- Oh, don't encourage him.

- Sure, right in here, come on.

I'll take it.

Yeah, get your fingers in there.

Sure.

- Get down!

- See who comes out with more money tonight, baby.

- Yeah.

- How about some of this?

Some of this.

Oh yeah.

- No.

- Whoa, dollar bills, yo.

- Hey, Mr. O'Donnell.

You okay?

- Oh, over here?

Sure.

Yeah, put that in there.

Hey, guys, yeah!

Spank it!

Come on, Harold give me a spanking.

I'll dip my balls in it.

Five bucks, and I'll dip my balls in your beer.

Five bucks!

- What is that old guy doing?

Is that gasoline?

- Hey, look!

- Holy shit.

Dude.

- Burn in hell, you fucking dump.

- Oh, God, oh, God.

Dad, wait!

Jesus Christ, Dad.

What are you doing?

Son of a bitch.

Will someone take him to the back, please?

- Man, you went down like a little bitch.

- What are you talking about?

You went down too.

- I teetered first.

You went straight down.

- What the hell is wrong with you?

- Nothing.

Tie this guy's mouth.

Come on.

- What exactly goes on behind those curtains?

- Those?

Those are lap-dance booths.

Yeah, it's like pleasureville

for the lower half of your body.

Give a girl 20 bucks, she'll dance around your body,

you know, all that good stuff for, like, a whole song.

It's pretty awesome.

- It's really good?

- Yeah.

It's amazing what they can do to you.

What, you want one?

- No, no, I don't have the money.

- Oh, come on.

Who are you talking to?

Harold, it's on the house.

- I'm not interested.

- Janine, Stacey, ladies.

Help my friend Harold out here, huh?

- I'm too old.

- You're gonna love it.

- I can't, I can't.

- Girls, put your, do that one thing

when you put your boobs on each side of his head

and just like shake.

It's awesome.

- Hi!

Boy, oh, golly!

Oh, my God!

- Oh.

- Oh, what are you doing?

What are you doing here?

- Oh, please be kind.

- Have fun, Harold.

Hey, you all right?

- I don't know.

I don't know what to think about my dad right now.

- Wanna talk about it?

Come on, man cheer up.

Let's do some shots or something.

Let's get crazy.

- All right, so both you ladies were on his lap?

- We were giving him a dance,

and he started to breathe really hard,

and he grabbed his chest, and he just fell over.

- He said to do the boob thing.

- That's all right, sweetheart.

He had a bad ticker.

Listen, it's not your fault.

I couldn't think of a better way to go.

- Yeah? - Yes, yes.

- You running the show again?

- We both are.

- Okay.

You have a permit for the strippers?

- A what?

- Do you have a permit for the strippers, yes or no?

- Yes, yes.

- Yeah, of course.

- Not this.

No, that's a Michael's gift card.

Why do I have a Michael's gift card?

- Arts and crafts sometimes.

- You know what?

It's been a busy couple of weeks for you guys, all right?

What the hell is next around here?

- Let go of me, you lousy pig-faced cocksucker!

There they are!

They fuckin' kidnapped me!

Tied me up and left me to die.

Fucking unbelievable!

Their own flesh and blood.

Oh!

Oh, shit!

Oh, Jesus, Jesus, Jesus!

- Who was that?

- Got some good news.

I spoke to the D.A. and I told him about your father

and the whole situation,

and he's agreed to drop all kidnapping charges.

- That's good.

- But he's not budging on anything else,

and he's fining you guys $10,000.

And you've got to serve 120 days inside.

- Four months?

- You're kidding, right?

You're joking around with, you're playing with us?

- It's not a joke.

It's in the papers.

More importantly, it's on the internet.

Running a den of iniquity, harboring a fugitive.

Oh, the dead dude.

Yeah, he wants to make an example out of you boys.

And not that this matters,

but the bank will wait to foreclose until you're out.

Then you'll have 24 hours to vacate the bar and the house.

- Honey, I need you to get clippers.

I'm shaving my head.

I'm gonna do it.

- Phil, relax.

It's county, not Attica.

- Relax?

Really?

Gabe, easy for your to say on the outside,

with your fuckin' three-foot bong and your drum circle.

Everything's cool man, right?

I'm in jail, I'm in jail.

You wanna switch places?

Is that allowed?

Ah!

I'm gonna need fake tattoos, okay?

You got that?

Fake tattoos.

- Why?

- How many is that?

Are you counting?

- Honey.

- How many am I doing?

- Need a place to stay?

- Can't believe we lost the bar, Phil.

- Dude, forget about that.

We gotta watch our backs in here.

Damn it!

I need tattoos.

You know what Ed Gangemella told me when he was in here?

He said you've got to assert yourself early, get respect.

The first thing you gotta do is get in a fuckin' fight.

Doesn't matter if you lose.

Doesn't matter if you get the shit beat out of you.

I guess people know not to fuck with you if you do that.

- Hey, Ed Gangemella is a fuckin' moron.

What the fuck?

Why do you think he ended up in jail?

- We're in jail.

I just like, I really, really,

I don't wanna get butt-fucked.

I just don't wanna get butt-fucked.

- Then stop saying butt-fucked.

- I have a tiny anus, you know that.

- Look, just don't talk.

- Yo man, I need that bottom bunk.

I can't get up there.

- No man, it's mine.

Beat it.

- What?

I don't think I'm hearing you right.

- You heard me just fine, get lost.

- You know what?

I have warmed up this blanket for you.

I'll make your bed.

You wanna lay down here?

- No, no, no, no, no.

Now I want this one.

- Do you know who I am, motherfucker?

- Yeah.

You the motherfucker that's gonna be sleeping

on the top bunk.

- Is there a fuckin' problem here, Andre?

- Yeah, I asked this asshole nicely if--

- Danny.

- Dad?

What are you doing here?

- They kicked me out of rehab.

What the hell are you doing here?

- Oh, well, wait a sec.

You know this guy?

- You Pete's kid?

- Yeah.

- What's up?

Yeah.

- Man, you--

- Who the fuck is this?

- Whoo.

- I don't know him.

- Hey Dad, so, like do you,

do you, like what's up?

Do you,

have you ever been like do you butt fuck?

How does that--

Oh, God.

So basically, Foucault says that anyone who wouldn't submit,

who wouldn't be a cog in the machine, would end up here,

in jail, until they've learned how to sublimate themselves

to the will of the capitalist machine.

It's all economic.

- Now, that is some heavy shit.

- You know where I can get a shank?

- I can't believe he's dead.

The poor bastard.

- The weird thing is Gabe got a call

saying that Harold left you his entire estate.

- Yeah.

- It was only $220 and an Elvis vinyl collection,

but I never knew you guys were that close.

- He was trying to square up his tab.

When he went on the disability,

he didn't have two nickels to scratch together,

so I let him drink for free.

- You did that?

- He's been coming to the bar for 20 years.

I'm gonna put him out on the street?

- But that was really nice of you, Dad.

- Occasionally I have moments of weakness.

And I want you to know,

I know you did your best to save the bar and the house.

And I appreciate it.

- You do?

- And I'm pretty much sorry for everything.

You wouldn't be here if it weren't for the mess I made.

- Pretty much sorry?

- I'm sorry.

Thanks.

You gave it a shot.

And I'm proud of you.

- Thanks, Dad.

I love you, Dad.

- All right, all right.

Don't touch me like that in here.

Jesus.

- Live free or die, motherfuckers!

- Ow!

- Oh, hey.

- I'm still an ass virgin!

- Yay!

- Yeah, hey.

All right, all right, all right.

- Glad to see you guys are here.

- Glad you guys survived.

- So, what, this is the last day then?

- Oh, shit.

We gotta be out of here by tomorrow?

I forgot.

What are we gonna do?

- I know what we're gonna do.

Why don't we polish off these fuckin' kegs,

drink as much liquor as we can,

get fuckin' wild for Pete's sake,

before these barbarians take over the bar?

- Fuck those heathen bastards.

- Yeah.

- Fucking scumbags.

- All right, guys, let's do this.

This is it.

Yeah!

- This is it.

- To Pete.

- To Pete, yeah.

- Pete.

- Pete.

Come on.

- Mazel tov.

- Mazel tov.

- You know, and I've been thinking a little bit.

- Oh.

- And I think, if you think that we're ready,

that we should move in together.

- Yeah, about that, I changed my mind.

- Really?

- Um, no.

Are you kidding me?

- What?

- Of course we're ready.

- What the fuck?

Okay, gee.

- It was my idea.

- Yeah, I know.

- You're so cute.

- I just

I just don't wanna screw things up.

You know, I'm really happy with you, with us.

I just never learned how to do this the right way.

- Hey, we're gonna be fine.

- I love you.

- That's good, 'cause I love you,

a lot.

- A lot?

- A lot.

- Oh, crap.

- Oh, crap.

- Ah.

- Oh.

- Gentlemen, we are here to foreclose on the bar

and on the residence and to seize any sellable assets.

It's all here in the paperwork, Mr. O'Donnell.

You can peruse that at your leisure.

- What are you doing out of your coffin?

Don't you guys turn to dust, like in the light?

- Yes, yes.

Yes, Mr. O'Donnell, that's very funny.

I'm gonna have to ask you to leave now.

- That's fine.

We'll go.

But we're gonna get a beer first.

- Wow.

- Yeah.

- Oh, well.

You gentlemen are aware that the beer now belongs to us?

- Put it on our tab, shithead.

- Oh.

- Ah.

Oh, my God.

Whoa.

- Oh, my God.

- Ah.

Does that look straight?

- You don't.

- Well, good day to you, gentlemen.

- What a dick.

I don't feel good.

- I don't feel good either.

- I need to sit down.

- Me too.

Hey.

- What?

- Cousins for life.

- Life.

I need to lay down.

- Might as well get used to it.

- Oh, boy.

- Why?

- Sorry to wake you.

Would either one of you know where I can find Harold Kahill?

Does he owe you money?

- Quite the opposite.

My name is J.R. Mulvahill.

I'm with Shanahan Whiskey Incorporated.

He won our essay contest.

I'm here to tell him that he has a pub

waiting for him in Dublin, Ireland.

- What?

- No fuckin' way.

- I'm serious.

We called, but the phone was disconnected.

Then I went by his house and there was no answer.

He put this place down here as his work address.

- He won.

- Absolutely.

Our head reader called,

take away whiskey, and our earth is a tomb

a humorous metaphysical romp,

amply worthy of the Shanahan essay contest.

- That's my fuckin' line.

He stole my line.

- I'm sorry to inform you of this,

but Harold died of a heart attack.

- Oh well, that's a terrible thing to hear.

- It was all very sudden.

- Do you happen to know who's handling his estate?

- As a matter of fact, I do.

- Hey, Pop.

You want another sparkling water?

- That would be great.

- You got it.

Come on.

- Thanks, Danny boy.

- Hey, how about I throw a shot of Jameson in there,

you old sot?

- How'd you like me to come over there

and kick your fuckin' teeth in?

- Holy shit.

- He's not lying.

- I know.

- So what time do you guys get off?

We know of a party later.

- Ladies, I'm gonna have to say I'm sorry.

And as you say in your language, I'm off the market.

- Oh.

- Sorry about that.

- So sad.

- Oh, it's okay, honey.

We're not missing much.

- Oh!

- Oh.

Maybe missing a little bit of this.

I'm gonna show 'em.

Little bit of this.

What's up?

What's up?

Gonna miss that.

What's up, ladies?

- See, this is what I'm talking about.

- Yeah.

Well, I usually get off around 12.

- Oh.

- Damn, you're pretty.

I'm liking this town.

Another beer?

- Oh-ho-ho!

- Look at this.

Give me some.

- Not bad.

- Hey, look who's here!

Nice one.

- Hey, guys.

- How are you?

- Finally made it. - Yeah!

- All right!

- Oh, boy.

- Who wants to shag?

- Yeah!

- Yes!

♪ I'll wait for you till I turn blue ♪

♪ There's nothin' more a man can do ♪

♪ Don't get your bollocks in a twist ♪

♪ Settle down and don't take a fit ♪

♪ You drank with demons straight from Hell ♪

♪ They almost nearly won as well ♪

♪ You wiped the floor with victory ♪

♪ Then puked until you fell asleep ♪

♪ Blackened was the banshee's wail ♪

♪ These boots will never fill her jail ♪

♪ So you crawled into an empty boat ♪

♪ For the Gulf of Mexico

♪ Till Cortez came and when so did you ♪

♪ From the ashes charred and blue ♪

♪ Smellin' like a salty dog

♪ Back from hell where you belong ♪

- Whoo!

- Yeah!

Get some shots!

- Yeah.

- Ah!

- Welcome to Ireland.

- I love Ireland.

- You're taking him home.

- Oh no, all right.

- Thank you, Jesus.

Where's my fuckin' shirt?

♪ Drink, drink, drink

♪ To your heart's content

♪ Lift that glass in the air

♪ Drink, drink, drink

♪ Only fools lament

♪ Over troubles they share

♪ Drink, drink, drink to oblivion ♪

♪ For it's now plain to see

♪ That this glass I am holding here ♪

♪ Is alone my destiny

♪ I don't give a bloody damn

♪ What the people think I am

♪ Let them know that this man will be free ♪

♪ Tilt that glass and slurp that foam ♪

♪ What's the sense of going home ♪

♪ For the consequence will be

♪ Drink, drink, drink

♪ Never fear the life

♪ That is calling to you

♪ Drink, drink, drink

♪ Let it share the strife

♪ That's what drinking can do

♪ I don't give a bloody damn

♪ What the people think I am

♪ Let them know that this man will be free ♪

♪ Tilt that glass and slurp that foam ♪

♪ What's the sense of going home ♪

♪ For the consequence will be

♪ Oh, drink, drink, drink

♪ To your heart's content

♪ Lift that glass in the air

♪ Drink, drink, drink

♪ Only fools lament

♪ Over troubles they share

♪ Drink, drink, drink to oblivion ♪

♪ For it's now plain to see

♪ That this glass I am holding here ♪

♪ Is alone my destiny

♪ Last call for alcohol

♪ Shake it off don't lose control ♪

♪ Leave now or don't at all

♪ 'Cause we don't want your money no more ♪

♪ Last chance order up a shot

♪ Slim pickins all around give it what you got ♪

♪ Hurry up drink a pint or more ♪

♪ The party's heading out of the door ♪

♪ We don't like you

♪ We only want your money

♪ We don't hate you

♪ Take it all in stride no need to worry ♪

♪ Our only interest is the tip that you gave ♪

♪ So finish up, pay your tab and be on your fuckin' way ♪

♪ Yeah

♪ Yeah

♪ Yeah