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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:39,622 --> 00:00:44,082 I see trees of green 2 00:00:44,127 --> 00:00:47,494 Red roses too 3 00:00:47,530 --> 00:00:50,829 I see them bloom 4 00:00:50,867 --> 00:00:53,233 For me and you 5 00:00:53,269 --> 00:00:58,502 And I think to myself 6 00:00:58,541 --> 00:01:02,307 What a wonderful world 7 00:01:06,482 --> 00:01:10,748 I see skies of blue 8 00:01:10,787 --> 00:01:13,449 And clouds of white 9 00:01:14,457 --> 00:01:17,722 The bright blessed day 10 00:01:17,760 --> 00:01:20,285 The dark sacred night 11 00:01:20,330 --> 00:01:25,393 And I think to myself 12 00:01:25,435 --> 00:01:29,872 What a wonderful world 13 00:01:32,008 --> 00:01:34,238 Yes 14 00:01:34,277 --> 00:01:38,145 I think to myself 15 00:01:39,649 --> 00:01:41,583 What a wonderful 16 00:01:45,288 --> 00:01:46,880 Yes, dude! 17 00:01:46,923 --> 00:01:49,619 What the fuck? What the fuck? What are you doing? 18 00:01:49,659 --> 00:01:52,492 I'm taking the most incredible dump of all time, man. 19 00:01:52,528 --> 00:01:54,155 You couldn't wait till I got out of the shower? 20 00:01:54,197 --> 00:02:00,399 May I remind you that we both just ate 30 burgers and four large orders of fries? 21 00:02:02,238 --> 00:02:04,672 Don't worry, in a little bit, I'm sure it'll hit you too. 22 00:02:04,707 --> 00:02:07,938 It may be. But I'm gonna wait till you get out of the shower. 23 00:02:07,977 --> 00:02:11,037 Well, don't wait too long. We've got to leave for the airport in an hour. 24 00:02:11,080 --> 00:02:12,069 Ooh, that burns. 25 00:02:12,115 --> 00:02:15,141 - An hour? - Hey, and, Roldy? 26 00:02:15,885 --> 00:02:17,580 Yeah? 27 00:02:17,620 --> 00:02:19,349 Nice pubes. 28 00:02:19,889 --> 00:02:21,948 Asshole, get out of here right now. 29 00:02:21,991 --> 00:02:25,688 - Wipe and leave. Wipe and leave now! - Dude, this thing is huge! 30 00:02:25,728 --> 00:02:27,787 I think it still has cheese on it. 31 00:02:34,804 --> 00:02:37,967 Ooh wee 32 00:02:38,308 --> 00:02:39,332 Ooh wee 33 00:02:39,375 --> 00:02:41,343 La, la, la, la, la, la-la 34 00:02:41,377 --> 00:02:43,675 When I step into the party all the ladies wanna know 35 00:02:43,713 --> 00:02:45,908 I'm hangin' with the ballers, yeah, or my nigga Ghost 36 00:02:45,948 --> 00:02:48,075 I can tell you what they say, haters, if you wanna know 37 00:02:48,117 --> 00:02:50,449 They say ooh wee 38 00:02:50,486 --> 00:02:52,784 When I'm rollin' my Mercedes all the ladies wanna roll 39 00:02:52,822 --> 00:02:55,052 Be my Juliet and I can be your Romeo 40 00:02:55,091 --> 00:02:57,616 If you actin' menace I can pick another ho 41 00:02:57,660 --> 00:03:01,926 Ooh wee, ooh wee 42 00:03:02,265 --> 00:03:04,233 Ooh wee La, la, la, la, la, la-la 43 00:03:04,267 --> 00:03:06,531 In the middle of the summer, or even 20 below 44 00:03:06,569 --> 00:03:08,434 I'm a bad motherfucker I'm way too fuckin' cold 45 00:03:08,471 --> 00:03:11,031 Let me tell you what they say when I'm pullin' off my drawers 46 00:03:11,074 --> 00:03:14,840 They say ooh wee 47 00:03:14,877 --> 00:03:18,506 Ooh wee La, la, la, la, la, la-la 48 00:03:29,592 --> 00:03:30,889 Ooh wee 49 00:03:30,927 --> 00:03:31,951 Aiyo, aiyo 50 00:03:31,994 --> 00:03:33,962 My game's here to party just to cut up a rug 51 00:03:33,996 --> 00:03:35,429 Don't make me have to cut up a thug 52 00:03:35,465 --> 00:03:38,434 Now play something for me, DJ, 'cause there's nothin' but love 53 00:03:38,468 --> 00:03:40,993 Hosted by the ladies who lookin' for somethin' to rub 54 00:03:52,515 --> 00:03:55,279 Ooh wee 55 00:03:55,618 --> 00:03:57,813 Dude. Oh, my Go... I just realized something. 56 00:03:57,854 --> 00:03:58,843 What? 57 00:03:58,888 --> 00:04:01,652 Maria's gonna think I'm a stalker, man. I'm following her to Amsterdam. 58 00:04:01,691 --> 00:04:04,956 Dude, relax. I have a med school interview in ten minutes. 59 00:04:04,994 --> 00:04:06,757 You don't see me freaking out. 60 00:04:06,796 --> 00:04:09,026 Don't worry, man, she'll be psyched to see you. 61 00:04:09,065 --> 00:04:10,692 Oh, psyched? You think she's gonna be psyched? 62 00:04:10,733 --> 00:04:12,860 Totes, dude. Why wouldn't she be? 63 00:04:12,935 --> 00:04:14,237 So how does this work? 64 00:04:14,237 --> 00:04:17,570 We just... we show up in Amsterdam and we start calling hotels... 65 00:04:17,607 --> 00:04:19,507 and ask if they have a Maria staying there? 66 00:04:19,542 --> 00:04:22,033 - I don't even know her last name. - Dude, it's totally cool. 67 00:04:22,078 --> 00:04:23,909 We're definitely gonna find her. 68 00:04:23,946 --> 00:04:25,743 Amsterdam is a very small place. It's not gonna be... 69 00:04:25,782 --> 00:04:28,546 Sir, I need you to step aside, please. Let me search you. 70 00:04:28,584 --> 00:04:30,381 - Did I beep? - No, you didn't beep. 71 00:04:30,420 --> 00:04:31,512 Just a random security check. 72 00:04:31,554 --> 00:04:34,022 If you could just step aside, please? Just over here. 73 00:04:34,056 --> 00:04:36,547 - Random, huh? - Yeah. 74 00:04:36,592 --> 00:04:39,220 So this has nothing to do with my ethnicity? 75 00:04:39,262 --> 00:04:40,889 Kumar, just do what the guy says. 76 00:04:40,930 --> 00:04:46,000 Sir, it's our job as airport security to search for all possible weapons or illegal drugs. 77 00:04:46,068 --> 00:04:48,969 So just because of the color of my skin, you assume that I have drugs on me? 78 00:04:49,005 --> 00:04:50,597 - No, he's... - What are you, a racist? 79 00:04:50,640 --> 00:04:53,768 Racist? Dude, I'm black. 80 00:04:53,810 --> 00:04:56,278 He's black. He's not a racist. 81 00:04:56,813 --> 00:04:58,974 Please, dude, you're barely even brown. 82 00:04:59,015 --> 00:05:00,880 No, he didn't mean that. 83 00:05:00,917 --> 00:05:02,646 Compared to me, you look like Matthew Perry. 84 00:05:02,685 --> 00:05:04,653 Hey, who you calling Matthew Perry, bitch? 85 00:05:04,687 --> 00:05:07,656 I'm calling you Matthew Perry, you Matthew Perry-looking bitch! 86 00:05:07,690 --> 00:05:09,681 No, there's nobody here who is Matthew Perry. No one! 87 00:05:09,725 --> 00:05:11,249 What is going on here? 88 00:05:11,294 --> 00:05:16,230 Sir, Matthew Perry over here thinks that I have illegal narcotics on me because I'm a minority. 89 00:05:16,265 --> 00:05:20,192 This is textbook racial profiling and I'd be more than happy to call the ACLU or the government... 90 00:05:20,236 --> 00:05:22,704 No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Sorry for the inconvenience, sir. 91 00:05:22,738 --> 00:05:25,605 - You can move along. - I appreciate it. Thanks, Matt Perry. 92 00:05:27,043 --> 00:05:28,305 Hey, what are you doing? 93 00:05:28,344 --> 00:05:30,312 What do you mean, what am I doing? He called me Matthew Perry. 94 00:05:30,346 --> 00:05:31,643 Well, you look like Matthew Perry. 95 00:05:31,681 --> 00:05:33,512 - He's white! - So what? 96 00:05:33,549 --> 00:05:35,881 Why does everything have to become a huge argument with you, man? 97 00:05:35,918 --> 00:05:40,116 'Cause this is America, dude and as long as I have my freedom of speech, no one's gonna shut me up. 98 00:05:40,156 --> 00:05:41,680 Kumar? 99 00:05:44,694 --> 00:05:45,854 Roldy? 100 00:05:45,895 --> 00:05:48,955 - Vanessa. - Oh, my God! 101 00:05:48,998 --> 00:05:52,365 - Good to see you. - So good to see you. l... 102 00:05:52,401 --> 00:05:54,528 - Hi. Hey. - Hey. 103 00:05:54,570 --> 00:05:55,662 Hey. 104 00:05:55,705 --> 00:05:59,141 God, it's been forever. What are you guys doing? 105 00:05:59,175 --> 00:06:01,643 We're actually on our way to Amsterdam. 106 00:06:01,677 --> 00:06:02,871 - Amsterdam? - Yeah. 107 00:06:02,912 --> 00:06:04,641 Well, you guys haven't changed. 108 00:06:04,680 --> 00:06:07,740 You have. You look amazing. Your hair is diff... 109 00:06:07,783 --> 00:06:10,718 - Doesn't she look amazing? - Yeah. 110 00:06:10,753 --> 00:06:12,846 Yeah, you look great. You look awesome. Sorry. 111 00:06:12,889 --> 00:06:15,881 What am I even saying? You look different and... 112 00:06:15,925 --> 00:06:19,520 - Kumar Patel, you're flustered. - Little bit. 113 00:06:21,364 --> 00:06:25,858 So, what's up with you? You still dating the Abercrombie-wearing douchebag? 114 00:06:25,902 --> 00:06:28,029 Actually, it's Brooks Brothers. 115 00:06:28,070 --> 00:06:31,039 Colton! How are you, buddy? 116 00:06:31,073 --> 00:06:32,665 - Good to see ya. - Good to see you. 117 00:06:32,708 --> 00:06:34,471 And we're not dating anymore. 118 00:06:34,510 --> 00:06:36,876 No. We... are getting married. 119 00:06:37,813 --> 00:06:39,747 Congratulations, you guys. 120 00:06:39,782 --> 00:06:42,307 - You're fucking getting married? - Yeah. 121 00:06:42,351 --> 00:06:45,286 - When? - Next week. 122 00:06:46,022 --> 00:06:47,990 It's going to be a perfect day. 123 00:06:48,024 --> 00:06:50,458 I mean, that's assuming we get those Stargazer lilies for the bouquets. 124 00:06:50,493 --> 00:06:52,484 This florist has been a complete nightmare. 125 00:06:52,528 --> 00:06:54,428 Fucking assholes. 126 00:06:54,463 --> 00:06:57,227 Colton's practically planning the whole wedding all by himself. 127 00:06:57,266 --> 00:07:00,531 So, Rold, Brewster Keegan letting you off the leash for a little vay-cay? 128 00:07:00,570 --> 00:07:03,596 I own that place now, Colton. 129 00:07:03,639 --> 00:07:05,436 Thank you so much for the hook-up. 130 00:07:05,474 --> 00:07:08,841 Hey, I ran into Todd, at Whitaker's, of course. 131 00:07:08,878 --> 00:07:11,346 He told me you got a job working for the government. 132 00:07:11,380 --> 00:07:13,814 Yeah! Yeah, President Bush and my dad were in the same fraternity. 133 00:07:13,849 --> 00:07:15,180 - Oh, that's right. - Oh, Jesus. 134 00:07:15,217 --> 00:07:17,208 Yeah, yeah, when he gave my dad that appointment at the Defense Department... 135 00:07:17,253 --> 00:07:19,346 - I became his right-hand man. - Douche. 136 00:07:19,388 --> 00:07:20,548 The President's supposed to be at our wedding... 137 00:07:20,590 --> 00:07:22,683 - but you know how busy he is. - Yeah. 138 00:07:22,725 --> 00:07:24,522 Sounds like an incredible job, man. 139 00:07:24,560 --> 00:07:27,028 Hey, you really got some major connections to the top. 140 00:07:27,063 --> 00:07:29,531 If you ever need anything, I'm your man. 141 00:07:29,565 --> 00:07:31,795 - Thank you so much, buddy. - Anytime. 142 00:07:31,834 --> 00:07:33,563 This guy's the best. 143 00:07:33,603 --> 00:07:36,163 - So, sweetheart, we should get going. - Yes. 144 00:07:36,205 --> 00:07:38,867 - Good to see you guys again. - Congratulations again. 145 00:07:38,908 --> 00:07:41,274 - Thank you. Take care, thank you. - It's so nice. 146 00:07:41,310 --> 00:07:42,800 - Bye. - Bye. 147 00:07:56,926 --> 00:08:00,493 Dude, I can't believe they're getting married. We've only been broken up two years. 148 00:08:01,097 --> 00:08:02,962 Plus that dude has date-rape face. 149 00:08:02,999 --> 00:08:05,092 I don't even know what that is. 150 00:08:05,134 --> 00:08:07,625 One who possesses the face of a date rapist. 151 00:08:07,670 --> 00:08:10,969 Right. Listen... 152 00:08:11,007 --> 00:08:13,475 I'm sorry, bro. 153 00:08:13,509 --> 00:08:16,137 But we are going to Amsterdam. Come on. 154 00:08:16,178 --> 00:08:19,341 This is true. This is true, Roldy. 155 00:08:19,382 --> 00:08:21,509 Ooh wee 156 00:08:25,154 --> 00:08:28,487 - Man, this is so not like me. - Yeah. 157 00:08:28,524 --> 00:08:32,016 It's like I'm a whole new Harold. Better, faster, stronger. 158 00:08:32,061 --> 00:08:33,722 Nice. 159 00:08:33,763 --> 00:08:38,063 Man, I've never used a sick day before. I'm taking a whole week off from work here, man. 160 00:08:38,100 --> 00:08:41,866 And in less than eight hours, we're gonna be in Amsterdam. 161 00:08:41,904 --> 00:08:44,395 - This is nuts. This is nuts. - I know, dude. 162 00:08:44,440 --> 00:08:46,431 It's gonna be exactly like Euro Trip, only it's not gonna suck. 163 00:08:46,475 --> 00:08:50,036 - It's gonna be awesome. - It's not not gonna be awesome. 164 00:09:29,418 --> 00:09:32,785 Dude. Dude, this chick's giving me such a boner, it's awesome. 165 00:09:32,822 --> 00:09:34,756 Thank you. You ruined the moment. 166 00:09:36,826 --> 00:09:38,293 She's all yours, buddy. 167 00:09:38,327 --> 00:09:40,227 - You wanna pause it? - I'm gonna go to the bathroom. 168 00:09:40,262 --> 00:09:41,957 No, that's... 169 00:09:41,997 --> 00:09:43,658 Enjoy. 170 00:09:54,577 --> 00:09:56,306 Just a minute. 171 00:09:56,345 --> 00:09:57,812 Fuc... 172 00:09:57,847 --> 00:09:59,439 Hey, hey. 173 00:10:00,282 --> 00:10:01,476 Let me in. 174 00:10:03,085 --> 00:10:05,781 What are you doing? I'm taking a piss, asshole! 175 00:10:05,821 --> 00:10:06,947 - Yeah. - Yo! 176 00:10:06,989 --> 00:10:09,457 I'm not joining the mile-high club with you. 177 00:10:09,492 --> 00:10:11,483 What about the really high club? 178 00:10:13,162 --> 00:10:14,823 - Are you retarded? - No. 179 00:10:14,864 --> 00:10:16,764 You brought weed on the fucking airplane? 180 00:10:16,799 --> 00:10:19,029 - Yep. - What the fuck? 181 00:10:19,068 --> 00:10:21,036 Wait a second. You were giving that security guard shit. 182 00:10:21,070 --> 00:10:23,061 Yeah. How else was I supposed to get past him? 183 00:10:23,105 --> 00:10:25,869 By not bringing drugs on an airplane? 184 00:10:26,876 --> 00:10:29,777 - Look... What are you doing? What is this? - You'll see. 185 00:10:38,320 --> 00:10:43,519 Harold Lee, I would like to introduce you to an invention of mine. 186 00:10:43,559 --> 00:10:45,686 Meet the smokeless bong. 187 00:10:45,728 --> 00:10:48,629 - You made this? - You know, I did. 188 00:10:48,664 --> 00:10:52,460 When you were slaving away at work I was actually being a productive member of society. 189 00:10:52,501 --> 00:10:56,665 - Yeah, that's really productive. - Let me show you how it works. 190 00:10:56,705 --> 00:10:59,265 So you take a little weed... 191 00:11:00,276 --> 00:11:03,211 put it in the bowl right here and light it just like a normal bong, OK? 192 00:11:03,245 --> 00:11:05,076 Now here's the truly genius part. 193 00:11:05,114 --> 00:11:10,711 Inside this mechanism, I have actually made a little tiny, tiny fan... 194 00:11:10,753 --> 00:11:16,320 and some disinfectant powder, OK, it works sort of like a deodorizer so that anything it expunges smells like Lysol. 195 00:11:16,358 --> 00:11:17,985 - Put it away. - No, dude. 196 00:11:18,027 --> 00:11:20,018 Can you not wait till we get to Amsterdam? 197 00:11:20,062 --> 00:11:22,724 It's the weed capital of the world! 198 00:11:24,200 --> 00:11:25,792 - No. - Put the bong away! 199 00:11:25,835 --> 00:11:27,666 - Take the inaugural hit, dude. - No! 200 00:11:27,703 --> 00:11:28,795 Come on, man. 201 00:11:28,838 --> 00:11:32,035 - Then I'm gonna do it. - Put it away. Put the frickin' bong away. 202 00:11:35,945 --> 00:11:38,880 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Turb... 203 00:11:45,788 --> 00:11:48,188 Terrorist! 204 00:11:49,959 --> 00:11:51,221 Roldy? 205 00:11:51,260 --> 00:11:53,592 - What the fuck is that thing in his hands? - No, ma'am, not a terrorist. 206 00:11:53,629 --> 00:11:56,496 - He's just an idiot. - This is just a bong. 207 00:11:56,532 --> 00:11:59,000 He said he got a bomb! 208 00:12:00,903 --> 00:12:03,929 No, people, it's a water pipe for tobacco. 209 00:12:03,973 --> 00:12:06,339 No, no, no, it's not a bomb. It's just a bong. 210 00:12:14,850 --> 00:12:17,375 Poison gas! 211 00:12:22,725 --> 00:12:25,785 It's marijuana! Marijuana! 212 00:12:25,828 --> 00:12:29,025 You picked the wrong plane, you terrorist fuck! 213 00:12:29,064 --> 00:12:31,032 Hey! Hey, what are you doing? 214 00:12:32,568 --> 00:12:35,469 There are three air marshals on board. Three! 215 00:12:35,504 --> 00:12:39,099 We are not terrorists! Sir, that's a bong, not a bomb. 216 00:12:39,141 --> 00:12:40,938 Shut up! 217 00:12:41,944 --> 00:12:43,138 I got this one! 218 00:12:43,178 --> 00:12:44,509 - Roldy? - Please don't! 219 00:12:44,546 --> 00:12:47,481 I am in a great amount of pain! 220 00:12:47,516 --> 00:12:51,714 Everybody relax. Just calm down. Everything is under control. 221 00:12:51,754 --> 00:12:56,020 Tell 'em to turn the plane around. These two assholes are goin' back to the U.S. 222 00:13:19,949 --> 00:13:23,544 Secretary Fox. Glad you could make it. 223 00:13:23,585 --> 00:13:26,577 Think I'd miss a terrorist attack of this magnitude? 224 00:13:26,622 --> 00:13:28,852 Not a fuckin' chance. 225 00:13:32,962 --> 00:13:34,987 Who are these people? 226 00:13:35,030 --> 00:13:38,329 Representatives of the different intelligence agencies. 227 00:13:38,367 --> 00:13:40,858 I assume Secretary Whitmore's coming? 228 00:13:40,903 --> 00:13:45,602 Negative. He's on an ice fishing trip in Glacier Bay. 229 00:13:45,641 --> 00:13:47,233 I'm in charge while he's gone. 230 00:13:47,276 --> 00:13:49,710 Well, shouldn't he be alerted? 231 00:13:49,745 --> 00:13:55,047 Isn't this issue of more importance than an ice fishing trip? 232 00:14:00,289 --> 00:14:02,314 Who are you again? 233 00:14:02,358 --> 00:14:04,553 Dr. John Beecher, Vice Chairman of the NSA. 234 00:14:04,593 --> 00:14:07,960 Yeah, well, listen, Dr... Dipshit. 235 00:14:08,764 --> 00:14:11,324 You've obviously never been ice fishing before. 236 00:14:12,768 --> 00:14:16,966 - No, I haven't. - Yeah, well, it's fucking exhilarating. 237 00:14:17,006 --> 00:14:20,703 The last thing anyone would want while fishing for pike is to be interrupted. 238 00:14:20,743 --> 00:14:22,540 Now back off... 239 00:14:23,545 --> 00:14:25,911 and let me do my job. 240 00:14:38,327 --> 00:14:40,318 What's up with the guy with the weird eyes? 241 00:14:40,362 --> 00:14:42,956 He handicapped or something? 242 00:14:42,998 --> 00:14:44,989 We believe he's of Korean descent. 243 00:14:48,604 --> 00:14:50,469 My God. 244 00:14:52,107 --> 00:14:55,599 North Korea and al-Qaeda workin' together. 245 00:14:55,644 --> 00:14:57,407 This is bigger than I thought. 246 00:14:57,980 --> 00:14:59,948 You couldn't wait? 247 00:14:59,982 --> 00:15:02,678 You couldn't fucking wait? 248 00:15:02,718 --> 00:15:05,380 We were about to have all the legal weed we wanted. 249 00:15:05,421 --> 00:15:08,686 You know, in Amsterdam, where we were going! 250 00:15:26,809 --> 00:15:28,470 Thought you could get away with this, huh? 251 00:15:32,481 --> 00:15:39,512 You thought that after 9/11 our national security was a joke, huh? 252 00:15:40,389 --> 00:15:41,981 Well... 253 00:15:44,927 --> 00:15:46,087 guess what? 254 00:15:47,062 --> 00:15:48,324 What? 255 00:15:50,165 --> 00:15:52,759 We knew you fuckers would be back. 256 00:15:52,801 --> 00:15:53,961 - Holy shit! - But we're Americans, man. 257 00:15:54,002 --> 00:15:56,766 - We love America. We love America! - Very much. 258 00:15:56,805 --> 00:16:01,534 That's a convenient thing to say after you try and blow up a plane filled with Americans! 259 00:16:01,577 --> 00:16:02,805 - No. - No, we didn't do... 260 00:16:02,845 --> 00:16:05,370 No, you see, you have the wrong idea. 261 00:16:05,414 --> 00:16:07,245 My idiot friend here brought marijuana... 262 00:16:07,282 --> 00:16:08,772 - on the plane. - Yeah, hey, hey, hey, hey. 263 00:16:08,817 --> 00:16:12,878 Zip it, Hello Kitty. OK? I know your operation's funded through drugs. 264 00:16:12,921 --> 00:16:14,786 No. This is typical government bullshit, sir. l... 265 00:16:14,823 --> 00:16:16,586 - Hey, hey, hey. Shut up. Shut up! - l... 266 00:16:16,625 --> 00:16:20,493 - No, I'm trying to explain it! Harold! - Shut up, shut up, shut up! Shut up! 267 00:16:22,798 --> 00:16:24,959 Do we have the right to make a phone call? 268 00:16:26,135 --> 00:16:27,762 Yeah. Yeah! 269 00:16:27,803 --> 00:16:31,170 I'm sorry. You want rights now. 270 00:16:31,206 --> 00:16:33,868 You want freedoms right now. 271 00:16:33,909 --> 00:16:35,774 Is it time? Is it freedom o'clock? 272 00:16:39,214 --> 00:16:41,307 - Guess what. - What? 273 00:16:42,184 --> 00:16:47,281 Where you guys are going, they have never even heard of rights. 274 00:16:48,490 --> 00:16:50,458 Well, where are we going? 275 00:16:57,733 --> 00:17:01,567 We're innocent men! We're innocent men! 276 00:17:02,437 --> 00:17:04,405 I'm an innocent man. 277 00:17:04,973 --> 00:17:07,407 I donate blood. 278 00:17:07,442 --> 00:17:10,343 And toys for tots. 279 00:17:14,116 --> 00:17:16,744 And now I'm in Guantanamo Bay. 280 00:17:16,785 --> 00:17:18,878 See why I'm against paying taxes? 281 00:17:18,921 --> 00:17:20,684 Hey! Hey. 282 00:17:21,523 --> 00:17:22,854 Fuck you! 283 00:17:22,891 --> 00:17:24,859 Dude, calm down, OK? 284 00:17:24,893 --> 00:17:28,556 Look on the bright side. There's a sink. There's a toilet. 285 00:17:28,597 --> 00:17:30,565 The pillow actually looks pretty comfortable. 286 00:17:33,435 --> 00:17:36,097 OK. You don't speak to me, ever. 287 00:17:36,138 --> 00:17:37,400 - Ever. - OK. 288 00:17:37,439 --> 00:17:39,669 - No! Shut up! - OK. 289 00:17:42,244 --> 00:17:43,575 So what are you guys in here for? 290 00:17:45,681 --> 00:17:50,914 For giving the United States a taste of their own medicine. 291 00:17:51,887 --> 00:17:56,017 - You guys are real terrorists? - Some call us terrorists. 292 00:17:56,058 --> 00:17:58,390 Others call us heroes. 293 00:17:58,427 --> 00:18:02,022 Screw that. You think you guys are heroes for killing innocent people? 294 00:18:02,064 --> 00:18:04,191 It's 'cause of assholes like you that we're even in this fucking place... 295 00:18:04,233 --> 00:18:05,632 you fucking cowards! 296 00:18:05,667 --> 00:18:08,500 Well, maybe if the people in your country stopped eating donuts... 297 00:18:08,537 --> 00:18:13,740 and started realizing what your government is doing to the world assholes like us wouldn't exist. 298 00:18:13,775 --> 00:18:16,642 - Fuck you! Donuts are awesome! - They're delicious. 299 00:18:16,678 --> 00:18:17,975 You like donuts? 300 00:18:18,013 --> 00:18:21,244 Well, wait till you see what they make you eat in here. 301 00:18:21,283 --> 00:18:23,444 - Yeah? - What do they make you eat in here? 302 00:18:23,485 --> 00:18:25,077 l... 303 00:18:25,120 --> 00:18:27,816 Ever hear of a cockmeat sandwich? 304 00:18:28,657 --> 00:18:30,215 What's a cockmeat sandwich? 305 00:18:31,727 --> 00:18:32,921 You're about to find out. 306 00:18:35,564 --> 00:18:38,226 Right about now. Sucker. 307 00:18:41,470 --> 00:18:45,668 All right, cockmeat sandwich time. You know the drill. 308 00:18:45,707 --> 00:18:48,403 What about them? They just got here! 309 00:18:51,313 --> 00:18:52,837 Big Bob's taking care of them. 310 00:18:52,881 --> 00:18:55,349 - Big Bob. - Big Bob? 311 00:18:55,384 --> 00:18:57,750 I hope you like donuts. 312 00:18:57,786 --> 00:19:00,846 Let's go to work. Hey, listen, guys, enjoy. 313 00:19:03,225 --> 00:19:04,487 Holy shit. 314 00:19:04,526 --> 00:19:06,721 Oh, yeah, that's it. 315 00:19:07,696 --> 00:19:11,291 - This is not good. - No, Kumar, it is not good. 316 00:19:11,333 --> 00:19:13,597 - I've never had to suck a dick before. - Me neither. 317 00:19:13,635 --> 00:19:15,626 I bet it sucks dick. 318 00:19:17,572 --> 00:19:19,267 Shit, dude. 319 00:19:19,308 --> 00:19:21,276 Please don't let it be Big Bob. Please don't let it be Big Bob. 320 00:19:21,310 --> 00:19:24,438 Please don't let it be Big Bob. Come on. 321 00:19:24,479 --> 00:19:27,175 Please don't let it be Big Bob. Please don't let it be Big Bob. 322 00:19:27,215 --> 00:19:28,546 Please don't let it be Big Bob. 323 00:19:28,583 --> 00:19:30,448 - Please don't let it be Big Bob. - I'm Big Bob. 324 00:19:30,485 --> 00:19:33,454 - Fuck. - Yes, you are. 325 00:19:34,923 --> 00:19:36,948 You boys ready for your cockmeat sandwich? 326 00:19:39,127 --> 00:19:40,116 No? 327 00:19:40,162 --> 00:19:42,062 Well, you better get hungry real fast... 328 00:19:42,097 --> 00:19:45,897 'cause I got a whole lot of sandwich waitin' for ya. 329 00:19:46,835 --> 00:19:48,496 Holy shit! 330 00:19:48,537 --> 00:19:51,734 - All right, let's get goin'. - Hold on, hold on, hold on, Big Bob... 331 00:19:51,773 --> 00:19:55,300 I got to ask you a question before this all goes down. 332 00:19:55,344 --> 00:19:58,245 - All the guards in Guantanamo are gay? - Fuck, no! 333 00:19:58,280 --> 00:20:00,874 Ain't nothing gay about getting your dick sucked! 334 00:20:00,916 --> 00:20:03,749 You're the ones that's gay for suckin' my dick! 335 00:20:03,785 --> 00:20:05,446 - What? - In fact... 336 00:20:05,487 --> 00:20:09,014 creeps me out just bein' around you fags. 337 00:20:09,057 --> 00:20:10,490 - But... - All right. 338 00:20:10,525 --> 00:20:12,720 - Wait... - Get down on your knees... 339 00:20:12,761 --> 00:20:14,456 - and open your mouths. - Please, Big Bob. 340 00:20:14,496 --> 00:20:15,690 Why don't you just kick our ass instead? 341 00:20:15,731 --> 00:20:17,926 - Get on your fucking knees! - All right. All right. 342 00:20:17,966 --> 00:20:21,732 - All right, all right, all right, all right. - You go first, dude. 343 00:20:21,770 --> 00:20:23,829 Hope you boys like extra mayo. 344 00:20:23,872 --> 00:20:26,602 - Jesus, Kumar. - Oh, I hate you so much! 345 00:20:26,641 --> 00:20:28,074 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 346 00:20:28,110 --> 00:20:30,544 God, his dick smells like shit, dude. 347 00:20:35,283 --> 00:20:37,080 Holy shit! 348 00:20:38,387 --> 00:20:42,687 - What the hell happened? - That terrorist fuck bit my dick! 349 00:20:47,796 --> 00:20:49,559 - Come on. - Wait, wait, wait, wait a second! 350 00:20:49,598 --> 00:20:51,964 Should we? What if they kill us out there? 351 00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:53,661 They're gonna fucking make us suck their dicks if we don't. 352 00:20:53,702 --> 00:20:55,101 We're gonna die in here. Come on. 353 00:20:58,340 --> 00:21:00,433 - Fuck. Fuck. - Oh, shit. Oh, shit. 354 00:21:01,009 --> 00:21:02,977 - Shit. Shit. - Fuck. Fuck. 355 00:21:03,011 --> 00:21:05,070 - Shit. Shit. - Fuck. Fuck. 356 00:21:05,113 --> 00:21:07,081 - Oh, shit! Get out! - Fuck! 357 00:21:07,115 --> 00:21:09,379 Oh, shit. Shit. 358 00:21:09,418 --> 00:21:10,908 Door, door. 359 00:21:16,158 --> 00:21:17,250 Look, look, look. 360 00:21:17,292 --> 00:21:18,919 What the fuck is he doing? 361 00:21:31,039 --> 00:21:34,202 We've got to go now, now, now, now, now! 362 00:21:36,678 --> 00:21:38,646 It smells like burnt asshole. 363 00:21:42,150 --> 00:21:44,118 I can't fucking believe this. 364 00:21:46,188 --> 00:21:47,177 Fuck! 365 00:21:50,892 --> 00:21:52,359 My wrist is swelling, man! 366 00:21:52,394 --> 00:21:54,362 - Shut up. - We're gonna die in a jungle! 367 00:21:54,396 --> 00:21:55,954 - Shut up! - Fuck! 368 00:21:55,997 --> 00:21:59,831 Watch out for cheetahs! This is cheetah turf. 369 00:22:01,069 --> 00:22:03,435 - What? - OK. Fuck. 370 00:22:03,472 --> 00:22:04,962 We hit ocean. What do we do now? 371 00:22:06,274 --> 00:22:08,504 All right. 372 00:22:08,543 --> 00:22:10,033 Hey, look, look! 373 00:22:14,249 --> 00:22:15,511 Excuse me. 374 00:22:16,852 --> 00:22:18,479 You guys going to America? 375 00:22:18,520 --> 00:22:19,748 Si, vamos. 376 00:22:19,788 --> 00:22:21,688 Yes, we're going. 377 00:22:21,723 --> 00:22:23,190 Thank you. 378 00:22:23,225 --> 00:22:24,283 - Si, vamos. - Vamos, vamos. 379 00:22:24,359 --> 00:22:25,383 I'm telling you, Jorge... 380 00:22:25,427 --> 00:22:30,463 the first thing you have to do when you get to America buy a device called TiVo, OK? 381 00:22:30,499 --> 00:22:34,334 Freedom means nothing if you're a slave to regular programming I promise you that. 382 00:22:34,369 --> 00:22:36,337 And now, how about you focus? 383 00:22:36,371 --> 00:22:38,635 We gotta figure out what to do when we get to the States. 384 00:22:38,673 --> 00:22:41,506 We don't have wallets. We don't have any ID. We've got nothing. 385 00:22:41,543 --> 00:22:45,240 Well, I figure we're gonna land somewhere around Miami, right? 386 00:22:45,280 --> 00:22:47,441 There's only one guy we know who lives down there. 387 00:22:47,482 --> 00:22:49,916 - Who do we know that... Raza. - Yeah. 388 00:22:49,951 --> 00:22:52,044 We gotta go see Raza. 389 00:22:53,054 --> 00:22:54,851 - Adios. - Hasta luego. 390 00:22:54,890 --> 00:22:57,825 - Thanks again. - What nice people. 391 00:22:57,859 --> 00:23:00,225 Man, South Florida here we are. 392 00:23:00,262 --> 00:23:02,730 OK. So, now how do we get to Raza's? 393 00:23:02,764 --> 00:23:04,698 The professional way. We walk. Let's go. 394 00:23:04,733 --> 00:23:06,200 - Walk? - Yeah. 395 00:23:06,234 --> 00:23:08,225 So I guess Raza's... 396 00:23:08,270 --> 00:23:10,431 - We'll find it, we'll find it. - that away. Yeah. 397 00:23:10,472 --> 00:23:11,837 Dale aso, papi 398 00:23:11,907 --> 00:23:13,704 Talcame 399 00:23:14,676 --> 00:23:16,439 Ay 400 00:23:16,478 --> 00:23:18,207 Papi 401 00:23:18,246 --> 00:23:20,043 Ay 402 00:23:20,081 --> 00:23:21,844 Papi 403 00:23:21,883 --> 00:23:22,975 Ay 404 00:23:23,018 --> 00:23:26,920 - Wow, Raza's place is pretty sweet. - Kinda ghetto for Miami. 405 00:23:26,955 --> 00:23:28,013 Para abajo 406 00:23:28,056 --> 00:23:30,456 Toca, toca, toca, toca, toca 407 00:23:33,962 --> 00:23:35,293 - Hi. - Hey. 408 00:23:38,333 --> 00:23:40,824 Y'all aren't here to complain about the noise, are you? 409 00:23:41,670 --> 00:23:44,969 No. We're not... here to complain about the noise. 410 00:23:45,006 --> 00:23:47,531 We're... 411 00:23:50,145 --> 00:23:51,305 We are here to see... 412 00:23:51,346 --> 00:23:53,644 - What is his name? We're here... - Vagina. 413 00:23:53,682 --> 00:23:57,049 No, we're here to see Raza. 414 00:23:57,085 --> 00:23:59,315 OK. Follow me. 415 00:23:59,354 --> 00:24:00,912 Thank you, ma'am. 416 00:24:01,556 --> 00:24:04,423 We'll follow... you, I guess. 417 00:24:04,459 --> 00:24:06,256 Ba-dunk, ba-dunk, ba-dunk 418 00:24:06,294 --> 00:24:08,159 She got it, she got it 419 00:24:08,196 --> 00:24:09,663 Ba-dunk, ba-dunk, ba-dunk 420 00:24:09,698 --> 00:24:11,689 She said, "Boy, go ahead" 421 00:24:11,733 --> 00:24:13,724 As long as I don't touch it 422 00:24:13,768 --> 00:24:17,465 I said, "Now, why the hell would I wanna interrupt it?" 423 00:24:17,505 --> 00:24:18,494 Hey. 424 00:24:19,274 --> 00:24:21,435 - Very patriotic of you. - Thank you. 425 00:24:22,611 --> 00:24:24,579 - Hey, guys. - Hey. 426 00:24:26,781 --> 00:24:29,045 - Hey, Raza! - What? 427 00:24:29,084 --> 00:24:30,312 What's up? 428 00:24:30,352 --> 00:24:31,683 - Kumar and Roldy? - What's up, man? 429 00:24:31,720 --> 00:24:34,348 I haven't seen you guys since graduation. 430 00:24:34,389 --> 00:24:35,947 What are you guys doing here? 431 00:24:35,991 --> 00:24:38,653 Wait, what's up with the orange jumpsuits? 432 00:24:38,693 --> 00:24:40,160 - Hey, no, no, question number one... - It's kind of a long story. l... 433 00:24:40,195 --> 00:24:41,856 - what's up with this party? - What do you mean? 434 00:24:41,896 --> 00:24:44,364 There's exposed vagina all over your house. 435 00:24:44,399 --> 00:24:46,765 Yeah. That was my idea. 436 00:24:46,801 --> 00:24:50,464 I don't know about you guys, I'm sick of all the hype over topless. 437 00:24:50,505 --> 00:24:52,905 Really? I always liked toplessness. That's... 438 00:24:52,941 --> 00:24:53,930 - That's just me. - Yeah? Well, I'm starting... 439 00:24:53,975 --> 00:24:57,570 the bottomless trend. Hence, the bottomless party. 440 00:24:57,612 --> 00:24:58,601 So what are you guys doing in South Beach? 441 00:24:58,647 --> 00:25:00,740 How about you answer that question? I'm gonna go check this out. 442 00:25:00,782 --> 00:25:02,511 - Where are you going? - Bang bang, buddy. 443 00:25:02,550 --> 00:25:04,882 Listen. I'm really sorry to bother you with this. 444 00:25:04,919 --> 00:25:06,580 - You all right? - Not really. 445 00:25:09,357 --> 00:25:12,690 They were locked up for less than an hour, and they already escaped? 446 00:25:12,727 --> 00:25:15,560 Damn it. Make sure the press doesn't get wind of this. 447 00:25:15,597 --> 00:25:17,565 Don't need the public thinking we're some two-bit operation. 448 00:25:17,599 --> 00:25:18,588 Got it, sir. 449 00:25:18,633 --> 00:25:20,498 It must have been either al-Qaeda or North Korea who broke 'em up. 450 00:25:20,535 --> 00:25:22,127 Find out if they have any relatives in the country. 451 00:25:22,170 --> 00:25:25,196 You probably should have done that in the first place. 452 00:25:30,178 --> 00:25:35,047 Do you have a problem with the way I'm running the show, Beecher? 453 00:25:35,083 --> 00:25:37,415 I'm just saying that... 454 00:25:37,452 --> 00:25:41,286 I've looked through the files on Harold Lee and Kumar Patel. 455 00:25:41,322 --> 00:25:42,880 They were both born and raised in New Jersey. 456 00:25:42,924 --> 00:25:44,755 Other than a couple of traffic tickets, they're clean. 457 00:25:44,793 --> 00:25:47,125 Right. That's why they just broke out of prison. 458 00:25:47,162 --> 00:25:50,029 But they... lt's not even clear that they should have been there in the first place. 459 00:25:50,065 --> 00:25:52,056 Shut your... 460 00:25:59,040 --> 00:26:00,905 You see this cute, little white girl, Beecher? 461 00:26:00,942 --> 00:26:02,273 Yeah. 462 00:26:02,310 --> 00:26:06,246 Do you want her to get raped and murdered? 463 00:26:07,649 --> 00:26:08,638 Of course not. 464 00:26:08,683 --> 00:26:11,413 You sure? 'Cause this is America. 465 00:26:11,986 --> 00:26:15,683 - Do you want to rape America? - No. 466 00:26:15,724 --> 00:26:19,160 Then stop fucking with me. 467 00:26:23,064 --> 00:26:24,531 This is serious. 468 00:26:25,567 --> 00:26:27,467 She's adorable. 469 00:26:29,637 --> 00:26:31,366 So you guys are fucking fugitives? 470 00:26:31,406 --> 00:26:33,636 It's just it's Kumar's fault. 471 00:26:33,675 --> 00:26:35,575 If we get out of this... 472 00:26:35,610 --> 00:26:38,977 the chances of us remaining friends is highly... 473 00:26:39,013 --> 00:26:40,207 highly... boobies. Yeah. 474 00:26:40,248 --> 00:26:42,273 Hey, what do you think you're doing? 475 00:26:42,317 --> 00:26:44,785 Put that back on. And keep it on. 476 00:26:44,819 --> 00:26:46,946 - Sorry. - Fuckin' party do you think this is? 477 00:26:46,988 --> 00:26:49,081 Yo. What are you guys talking about? 478 00:26:49,124 --> 00:26:51,149 Roldy was just letting me in on your situation. 479 00:26:51,192 --> 00:26:53,126 - Yeah? - Thanks for getting me involved. 480 00:26:53,161 --> 00:26:56,893 What about that fuckin' time we had to cover for you lie to your ex-girlfriend about how you got crabs? 481 00:26:56,931 --> 00:26:58,091 You owe us, man. 482 00:26:58,133 --> 00:26:59,430 - Yeah, that's right. - What? 483 00:26:59,467 --> 00:27:01,628 - OK, that was a long time ago. - I love crabs. 484 00:27:01,669 --> 00:27:03,466 Speaking of ex-girlfriends... 485 00:27:03,505 --> 00:27:05,234 isn't yours getting married or something? 486 00:27:05,273 --> 00:27:07,207 How does everybody know about this except for me? 487 00:27:07,242 --> 00:27:08,675 Wait. 488 00:27:09,711 --> 00:27:11,838 Colton! Colton Graham can help us out. 489 00:27:11,880 --> 00:27:13,245 - No! Fuck that! - Yes! 490 00:27:13,281 --> 00:27:15,977 No doubt. If anyone could clear your names, it's him. 491 00:27:16,017 --> 00:27:17,712 No, I'm sorry. That dickweed is not helping us. 492 00:27:17,752 --> 00:27:19,686 Wait a second. Do you have his contact info? 493 00:27:19,721 --> 00:27:23,748 Not anymore. But the wedding is at his family's estate in Hewitt, Texas. 494 00:27:24,325 --> 00:27:28,383 But you don't want to bother them when they're doing their whole wedding thing, right? 495 00:27:30,298 --> 00:27:33,233 You know, that actually might be our only hope. 496 00:27:33,268 --> 00:27:36,533 Fuck! How do we get there? We can't go to the airport. They're looking for us. 497 00:27:36,571 --> 00:27:38,163 - I'll loan you one of my cars. - Really? 498 00:27:38,206 --> 00:27:41,937 But first... y'all got to get in the spirit of the party. 499 00:27:41,976 --> 00:27:45,173 - What do you mean, spirit of... - What do you think I mean? 500 00:27:45,980 --> 00:27:49,074 - What about you? - Me? I've been in the spirit. 501 00:27:50,385 --> 00:27:52,148 - Oh, God! - Oh, my God, dude! 502 00:27:52,187 --> 00:27:53,415 Oh, my God! 503 00:27:53,454 --> 00:27:55,285 - Love your dickdo, Raza. - Yeah. Drink it in. 504 00:27:55,323 --> 00:27:58,520 - What the fuck? - That looks like Osama bin Laden's beard. 505 00:27:58,560 --> 00:28:00,790 I know, right? All right, boys. 506 00:28:00,829 --> 00:28:02,592 Your turn. Let 'em dangle. 507 00:28:04,098 --> 00:28:06,066 - Let's just do it. - Bring it. 508 00:28:06,100 --> 00:28:08,227 Count of three? 509 00:28:08,269 --> 00:28:09,964 One. 510 00:28:10,004 --> 00:28:11,494 Two, three. 511 00:28:13,842 --> 00:28:16,106 Your cocks are awesome, man! 512 00:28:16,144 --> 00:28:18,476 That's not even necessary. 513 00:28:18,513 --> 00:28:20,640 - Would you please... - Oh, my dick! 514 00:28:20,682 --> 00:28:22,877 My dick cost a late-night fee 515 00:28:22,917 --> 00:28:25,044 Your dick got the HIV 516 00:28:25,086 --> 00:28:27,646 My dick plays on the double feature screen 517 00:28:27,689 --> 00:28:29,987 Your dick went straight to DVD 518 00:28:30,024 --> 00:28:32,584 My dick bigger than a bridge 519 00:28:32,627 --> 00:28:34,925 Your dick look like a little kid's 520 00:28:34,963 --> 00:28:37,864 My dick large like the Chargers, the whole team 521 00:28:37,899 --> 00:28:39,662 Your shit look like you 14 522 00:28:39,701 --> 00:28:42,135 My dick locked in a cage, right 523 00:28:42,170 --> 00:28:44,297 Your dick suffer from stage fright 524 00:28:44,339 --> 00:28:46,967 My dick so hot it's stolen 525 00:28:47,008 --> 00:28:49,499 Your dick look like Gary Coleman 526 00:28:49,544 --> 00:28:52,035 My dick pink and big 527 00:28:52,080 --> 00:28:56,278 - This car is frickin' sweet. - Yeah, yeah, it's sweet. 528 00:28:56,317 --> 00:28:57,841 'Cause we're fugitives. 529 00:28:57,886 --> 00:29:00,878 Driving a yellow convertible with the top down, dressed like assholes! 530 00:29:00,922 --> 00:29:03,914 Yo. Yo. Yo, look, he has one of these things. 531 00:29:03,958 --> 00:29:05,949 - Would you put that down? - No, you can hook up to the Internet. 532 00:29:05,994 --> 00:29:08,656 You can play Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!! on it. King Hippo's going down. 533 00:29:08,696 --> 00:29:10,561 Put that away. Put that away. 534 00:29:10,598 --> 00:29:14,398 I can't believe you can even think about playing games at a time like this, man. 535 00:29:14,435 --> 00:29:17,063 You realize what would happen if our parents found out about this? 536 00:29:17,639 --> 00:29:20,472 You have sent our sons to Guantánamo Bay? 537 00:29:20,508 --> 00:29:22,669 This is an outrage! 538 00:29:23,378 --> 00:29:27,874 You Arabs think you can just mix in with our peaceful society and we're not gonna find you, huh? 539 00:29:27,916 --> 00:29:30,350 I am not Arab! I am Indian! 540 00:29:30,385 --> 00:29:34,879 Look, Chief. I'm not here to argue seblantics with you, OK? 541 00:29:34,923 --> 00:29:36,982 I'm here to save lives. 542 00:29:37,025 --> 00:29:40,119 Ask the Lees what they know about their son's terrorist activity. 543 00:29:49,871 --> 00:29:53,739 Look, we have been American citizens for over 40 years. 544 00:29:53,775 --> 00:29:57,267 Now, frankly, I find this very offensive. 545 00:29:59,414 --> 00:30:03,817 They're using some sort of dialect I've never heard before. 546 00:30:03,851 --> 00:30:07,014 But I'm pretty sure he said something about going on the offensive. 547 00:30:08,890 --> 00:30:12,155 Tell them we know what their son is up to... 548 00:30:12,193 --> 00:30:15,060 and if they don't cooperate, he could be sentenced to death. 549 00:30:16,664 --> 00:30:18,859 Hit 'em. Yeah. 550 00:30:22,837 --> 00:30:24,771 We know what he said! 551 00:30:24,806 --> 00:30:27,798 Sir, Harold and Kumar are good boys. 552 00:30:31,479 --> 00:30:33,709 I'm a pretty good translator. 553 00:30:33,748 --> 00:30:35,511 It's total gibberish. 554 00:30:37,285 --> 00:30:38,775 They may be trying to stonewall us. 555 00:30:39,654 --> 00:30:41,986 Are you sure you speak Korean, Jack? 556 00:30:42,023 --> 00:30:43,012 You speak Korean? 557 00:30:43,057 --> 00:30:44,854 You're not fucking with Daddy, are you? 558 00:30:44,892 --> 00:30:48,953 Do you have a masters in romantic Korean literature? 559 00:30:48,997 --> 00:30:51,022 Because I do... 560 00:30:51,065 --> 00:30:52,623 and I'm offended. 561 00:30:53,835 --> 00:30:54,824 Good enough for me. 562 00:30:55,770 --> 00:30:57,897 Look, excuse me... 563 00:30:57,939 --> 00:31:02,741 we're not looking to hurt your sons but we just wanna know where they are. 564 00:31:02,777 --> 00:31:04,972 Do you know if they know anybody in Florida? 565 00:31:06,147 --> 00:31:09,480 Their friend Raza Syed lives in Miami. 566 00:31:10,084 --> 00:31:11,551 But why would they be there? 567 00:31:11,586 --> 00:31:13,349 He's supposed to be in medical school. 568 00:31:13,388 --> 00:31:18,553 They are supposed to be in prison! That is where terrorists belong! 569 00:31:21,195 --> 00:31:23,755 These fuckers are goin' down. 570 00:31:23,798 --> 00:31:25,698 Dead. Or alive. 571 00:31:25,733 --> 00:31:29,032 Tell them that in your fake ching-chong language. 572 00:31:31,172 --> 00:31:32,537 Shut up! You're an idiot. 573 00:31:34,108 --> 00:31:37,168 I don't know what you're saying, buddy... 574 00:31:37,211 --> 00:31:38,200 but fuck you. 575 00:31:38,246 --> 00:31:39,338 - Fuck me? - Will you let him talk to you like that? 576 00:31:39,380 --> 00:31:41,575 - Listen, no, sit down. - Fuck me? 577 00:31:49,557 --> 00:31:51,752 Hey, look, man, we're in Alabama. 578 00:31:52,927 --> 00:31:55,191 Wow, we actually get a first-hand look at the South, huh? 579 00:31:55,229 --> 00:31:58,790 Hey, this wasn't supposed to be a trip through the South, OK? 580 00:31:58,833 --> 00:32:01,324 This was supposed to be the most romantic week of my life. 581 00:32:01,369 --> 00:32:04,065 Remember that? Before you fucked it up? You remember that? 582 00:32:04,105 --> 00:32:06,300 Just chill, OK? We'll be out of this situation. 583 00:32:06,340 --> 00:32:09,537 You'll be up in Maria's guts in no time, all right? 584 00:32:09,577 --> 00:32:13,536 Hey. She's not some skank, man. 585 00:32:13,581 --> 00:32:17,779 I've never felt this way about anyone before, really. 586 00:32:19,087 --> 00:32:21,419 What the fuck? Why am I talking to you about this? 587 00:32:21,456 --> 00:32:23,754 It's not like you would understand, so... 588 00:32:34,735 --> 00:32:36,896 I want to be happy 589 00:32:38,172 --> 00:32:40,732 I want to be happy, just like... 590 00:32:40,775 --> 00:32:44,836 Excuse me, please. Will you turn that off? This is a library. 591 00:32:47,415 --> 00:32:49,246 What a fucking chode. 592 00:32:49,283 --> 00:32:51,274 Thank you, come again! 593 00:32:57,625 --> 00:32:59,752 - What the fuck?! - Oh, my God. 594 00:32:59,794 --> 00:33:03,954 You know, the whole reason people come to the stacks is for some peace and... 595 00:33:04,966 --> 00:33:06,524 quiet. 596 00:33:06,567 --> 00:33:09,400 Look, I know, I'm sorry. I hate it when people disturb me here too. 597 00:33:09,437 --> 00:33:12,565 It's just this fucking calculus final is killing me. 598 00:33:14,108 --> 00:33:18,010 - Do you mind if I take a look? - No. 599 00:33:18,045 --> 00:33:22,175 - You're actually very close. May I? - Yeah. 600 00:33:22,216 --> 00:33:24,013 Excuse me. 601 00:33:28,589 --> 00:33:30,784 I touched your breast. 602 00:33:30,825 --> 00:33:33,293 - It's OK. - Sorry. 603 00:33:35,930 --> 00:33:37,898 You just go... 604 00:33:39,934 --> 00:33:42,835 Wow. You're good at this. 605 00:33:42,870 --> 00:33:44,132 Thanks. 606 00:33:44,172 --> 00:33:46,868 What did you, like, take calculus in high school or something? 607 00:33:46,908 --> 00:33:49,900 Actually, my dad taught it to me in sixth grade. 608 00:33:49,944 --> 00:33:52,469 What, are you like Doogie Howser? 609 00:33:52,513 --> 00:33:55,744 No. Although that would be incredible. He's my hero. 610 00:33:55,783 --> 00:33:58,274 I love that show. 611 00:33:59,754 --> 00:34:00,914 What are you working on there? 612 00:34:00,955 --> 00:34:03,856 This is just a poem for my creative writing class. 613 00:34:03,891 --> 00:34:06,223 It's like... 614 00:34:06,260 --> 00:34:08,057 - "The Square Root Of Three"? - No, no, I'm sorry... 615 00:34:08,095 --> 00:34:10,893 - "A poem of love by Kumar Patel." - I need this. 616 00:34:10,932 --> 00:34:12,991 - Hey, let me read it. - No, no. 617 00:34:13,034 --> 00:34:15,264 - Why? - Because it's lame. 618 00:34:15,303 --> 00:34:16,327 Then read it to me. 619 00:34:16,370 --> 00:34:20,363 There's no way I'm letting you see me in that light. Good luck with your calculus. 620 00:34:21,409 --> 00:34:25,778 Come on, don't be embarrassed. You know, a lot of girls find intelligence sexy. 621 00:34:25,813 --> 00:34:28,805 Look, I'm not even gonna be showing this to my professor, all right? 622 00:34:28,849 --> 00:34:31,044 That's why I'm so stressed out right now. 623 00:34:31,085 --> 00:34:33,315 Stressed out, huh? 624 00:34:33,354 --> 00:34:35,254 Come with me. 625 00:34:36,457 --> 00:34:38,789 - going? - Come on. 626 00:34:40,962 --> 00:34:42,554 What? 627 00:34:47,902 --> 00:34:51,895 You're smoking drugs in the library? What if somebody catches us? 628 00:34:52,540 --> 00:34:55,168 Don't worry. It'll help you relax. 629 00:34:55,209 --> 00:34:57,677 Oh, boy. 630 00:34:57,712 --> 00:35:00,180 It's illegal. 631 00:35:00,214 --> 00:35:04,947 I want your fish right by me 632 00:35:05,553 --> 00:35:08,454 That's how it has to be 633 00:35:08,489 --> 00:35:09,683 Here. 634 00:35:09,724 --> 00:35:12,318 ... copacetic if you let it so set up 635 00:35:12,360 --> 00:35:15,989 And keep the downstream down and the upstream up 636 00:35:17,865 --> 00:35:19,594 This is poison. 637 00:35:19,634 --> 00:35:21,534 My stoney, my baby 638 00:35:21,569 --> 00:35:23,230 Let me help you. 639 00:35:23,271 --> 00:35:25,967 Funk the groovin' thang whistlin' 640 00:35:26,007 --> 00:35:27,634 As I rip my rhymes 641 00:35:27,675 --> 00:35:30,235 Time and time again struttin' and in the summertime 642 00:35:30,278 --> 00:35:32,473 So screw it, strip down and be generic 643 00:35:32,513 --> 00:35:34,947 Strip down and be a passenger Strip down and be a messenger 644 00:35:34,982 --> 00:35:37,610 In askin' why I'm born I come up blank in the winter 645 00:35:37,652 --> 00:35:40,280 In askin' why I'm born I come up on when I'm on her 646 00:35:40,321 --> 00:35:42,516 It's time to find the kind My summer, his summer 647 00:35:42,556 --> 00:35:44,148 I'm Kumar. 648 00:35:45,793 --> 00:35:47,090 Vanessa. 649 00:35:47,128 --> 00:35:49,494 You're still not reading that poem. 650 00:35:49,530 --> 00:35:53,489 And then I kiss my stoney baby 651 00:35:53,534 --> 00:35:55,832 My stoney, my stoney 652 00:35:55,870 --> 00:35:58,168 My stoney baby 653 00:35:58,205 --> 00:36:00,765 My stoney 654 00:36:00,808 --> 00:36:02,833 My stoney baby 655 00:36:03,511 --> 00:36:04,773 Kumar. 656 00:36:05,813 --> 00:36:08,941 My stoney baby 657 00:36:08,983 --> 00:36:09,972 Kumar. 658 00:36:10,017 --> 00:36:11,848 Kumar. Kumar. 659 00:36:12,019 --> 00:36:14,255 - Kumar. - Yeah. 660 00:36:14,255 --> 00:36:17,520 What's going on? We're in Birmingham, Alabama. Are we supposed to be here? 661 00:36:17,558 --> 00:36:19,719 What's going on? 662 00:36:19,760 --> 00:36:21,887 - Why did you bring us here, dude? - What do you mean, why did l... 663 00:36:21,929 --> 00:36:25,194 You were supposed to be following the directions, asshole. What do you mean? 664 00:36:25,232 --> 00:36:27,826 There's got to be like a highway or something, right? 665 00:36:27,868 --> 00:36:30,166 Yeah, there's got to be a highway. 666 00:36:31,105 --> 00:36:32,970 What's going on up there? 667 00:36:33,007 --> 00:36:34,372 Squad up 668 00:36:34,408 --> 00:36:36,035 My niggas 669 00:36:36,077 --> 00:36:37,977 I see some pussy-ass niggas, so what the fuck... 670 00:36:38,012 --> 00:36:40,480 What the hell is this? 671 00:36:40,514 --> 00:36:41,606 We knock these niggas out 672 00:36:41,649 --> 00:36:43,708 I see some pussy-ass niggas, so what the fuck you wanna do? 673 00:36:43,751 --> 00:36:46,413 - I'm turning around. - Nah, just go through, man. 674 00:36:47,221 --> 00:36:49,121 Dude, we're not driving through this basketball game. 675 00:36:49,156 --> 00:36:51,784 You know, Roldy, I really thought you were bigger than this. 676 00:36:51,826 --> 00:36:54,158 Dude, I'm not scared 'cause they're black. 677 00:36:54,195 --> 00:36:55,457 I'm scared because they're scary. 678 00:36:55,496 --> 00:36:57,862 And it's not like we got Gregory Hines out there. 679 00:36:57,898 --> 00:36:58,887 They're not that scary. 680 00:37:00,634 --> 00:37:03,194 It's my ball! 681 00:37:03,237 --> 00:37:04,704 Turn around. 682 00:37:04,739 --> 00:37:07,708 Rob this motherfucker, drop his punk ass in a ditch 683 00:37:07,742 --> 00:37:10,643 Drag this pussy nigga, slap his ass up like a bitch 684 00:37:10,678 --> 00:37:12,236 My niggas is my niggas 'cause my niggas... 685 00:37:12,279 --> 00:37:14,611 - Fuck! It won't move! - Shit, dude. 686 00:37:14,648 --> 00:37:16,115 Shoot him dead between his lips 687 00:37:16,150 --> 00:37:17,242 I see some pussy... 688 00:37:18,252 --> 00:37:19,776 - That's not good. - Now there's no music, man. 689 00:37:19,820 --> 00:37:21,412 Shit, man. 690 00:37:21,455 --> 00:37:24,390 - Motherfucker! - My Jordans, nigga! 691 00:37:24,425 --> 00:37:26,290 - Shit, this isn't good. - This is not good. This is not good. 692 00:37:27,628 --> 00:37:29,858 No. No. No. 693 00:37:29,897 --> 00:37:31,421 They're coming over here. 694 00:37:32,133 --> 00:37:36,399 - Fucking shit. Why did you do that? - Yeah, I hit a fire hydrant on purpose. 695 00:37:37,405 --> 00:37:39,805 They're getting weapons, man. 696 00:37:39,840 --> 00:37:41,273 All right, what do we do? What do we do? 697 00:37:41,308 --> 00:37:43,606 Run, run, run. Run, run. 698 00:37:49,016 --> 00:37:51,780 Yo. Yo. 699 00:37:52,686 --> 00:37:55,587 - Where y'all going? Damn! - We was just trying to help. 700 00:37:55,623 --> 00:37:59,787 Man, somebody call the police. We need to report this. 701 00:38:14,008 --> 00:38:18,502 - Yeah, that's right. You like the ride? - Fuck you, man. 702 00:38:18,546 --> 00:38:23,176 They abandoned it last night. It's registered to a Raza Syed. 703 00:38:23,217 --> 00:38:28,586 The witnesses' description of the driver and passenger match that of Lee and Patel. 704 00:38:29,890 --> 00:38:33,951 We tried bringing in Syed last night, but he's already left the country. 705 00:38:35,129 --> 00:38:38,030 Well, they know we're closing in on 'em, that's why. 706 00:38:38,065 --> 00:38:40,659 OK. No, I'll give you a call. All right. 707 00:38:42,403 --> 00:38:44,496 No, no, no, no! 708 00:38:44,538 --> 00:38:45,869 - Holy shit! - Easy, easy! 709 00:38:45,906 --> 00:38:47,703 - Easy. - Easy! 710 00:38:47,741 --> 00:38:49,470 This is our witness. 711 00:38:49,510 --> 00:38:51,375 Put it down! Yo, put it down! 712 00:38:51,412 --> 00:38:52,538 You all know I got one! 713 00:38:52,580 --> 00:38:54,241 I got one too! 714 00:38:56,584 --> 00:39:00,816 So, you saw the fugitives, huh? 715 00:39:00,855 --> 00:39:03,415 Yeah. It was like I was telling the Sheriff... 716 00:39:03,457 --> 00:39:07,393 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. How do I know you're telling the truth? 717 00:39:07,428 --> 00:39:09,293 I don't have a reason to lie to you, man. 718 00:39:09,330 --> 00:39:10,695 Really? 719 00:39:10,731 --> 00:39:13,529 - Get up in your face, man. - We'll see. 720 00:39:13,567 --> 00:39:15,398 That ain't right. 721 00:39:15,436 --> 00:39:17,370 Where's he going? 722 00:39:19,106 --> 00:39:20,801 What's going on? 723 00:39:24,545 --> 00:39:25,534 Hell no! 724 00:39:25,579 --> 00:39:27,911 Now why don't you tell me what really happened? 725 00:39:27,948 --> 00:39:29,813 Is that grape soda? 726 00:39:29,850 --> 00:39:31,715 What the fuck, yo? 727 00:39:34,622 --> 00:39:36,817 - All right. - Hold on, hold on, hold on! 728 00:39:36,857 --> 00:39:38,290 This is so ignorant. 729 00:39:38,325 --> 00:39:40,316 - Really? - Yes. 730 00:39:40,361 --> 00:39:42,329 Is this ignorant? 731 00:39:42,363 --> 00:39:44,854 Yo, that's racist, man. That's racist. 732 00:39:44,899 --> 00:39:47,026 Hey, Jon, are you gonna let him do that? 733 00:39:47,801 --> 00:39:50,099 See if he got Kool-Aid. 734 00:39:50,137 --> 00:39:52,037 Almost gone, witness. 735 00:39:52,072 --> 00:39:54,006 Sure there's not something you wanna tell me? 736 00:39:54,041 --> 00:39:55,941 I'm not stoppin' until you crack! 737 00:39:55,976 --> 00:39:57,068 I already told you that they took off runnin'! 738 00:39:57,111 --> 00:39:58,442 All right, all right, all right. 739 00:39:58,479 --> 00:40:01,175 This isn't necessary! Mr. White is telling you the truth! 740 00:40:01,215 --> 00:40:03,775 Yeah, and how can you be so sure, Beecher? 741 00:40:03,817 --> 00:40:07,253 'Cause he doesn't have a police record. He's an orthodontist, for Christ's sake. 742 00:40:09,323 --> 00:40:13,589 OK, then, Beech. How do you propose we find the terrorists, huh? 743 00:40:14,428 --> 00:40:17,295 There was a Nokia 7710 taken from the console. 744 00:40:17,331 --> 00:40:18,593 We have its tracking numbers. 745 00:40:18,632 --> 00:40:21,760 Our satellites are running a trace on it, as we speak. 746 00:40:21,802 --> 00:40:23,861 I'm serious about that Kool-Aid. 747 00:40:23,904 --> 00:40:25,132 What's going on? Where are you? 748 00:40:25,172 --> 00:40:26,571 Dude, that is a fucking long story. 749 00:40:26,607 --> 00:40:29,599 We're actually in Alabama right now, heading to Texas. 750 00:40:31,145 --> 00:40:33,238 What is that sound? Are you jerking off again? What are you doing? 751 00:40:33,280 --> 00:40:35,578 I'm taking a glorious pee-pee. 752 00:40:35,616 --> 00:40:40,346 Hey, listen, you're not gonna believe this but the other night, I ended up at that Asian party... 753 00:40:40,387 --> 00:40:42,947 and I schtupped Cindy Kim. 754 00:40:42,990 --> 00:40:44,958 Shut the fuck up. Are you serious? 755 00:40:44,992 --> 00:40:47,119 Yeah, man, she even gave me a blumpkin. 756 00:40:47,161 --> 00:40:48,423 What is a blumpkin? 757 00:40:48,462 --> 00:40:51,556 It's when a girl gives you head while you're sitting on the toilet takin' a shit. 758 00:40:51,599 --> 00:40:53,226 Really? 759 00:40:53,267 --> 00:40:55,827 - Hello? - Hey. Hey! What are you doing? 760 00:40:55,869 --> 00:40:58,394 Hello? Come, come? 761 00:41:00,174 --> 00:41:01,607 Did you go? 762 00:41:01,642 --> 00:41:03,109 Yeah, I'm done. 763 00:41:03,143 --> 00:41:06,078 You said to me we were gonna cross swords. You promised. 764 00:41:06,113 --> 00:41:07,910 I'm sorry, sweetheart. 765 00:41:08,949 --> 00:41:12,578 Are you talking on a cellphone when the government is looking for us? 766 00:41:12,620 --> 00:41:15,111 Dude, it was just Goldstein. I had something important to tell him. 767 00:41:15,155 --> 00:41:16,918 It's 'cause you had something... That's good, that's OK. 768 00:41:16,957 --> 00:41:22,520 Nothing is more important than finding a way to get to Texas. 769 00:41:22,563 --> 00:41:23,552 - Do you get it? - Yes. 770 00:41:23,597 --> 00:41:28,000 We've been walking an entire day and we have not seen a street sign. 771 00:41:28,035 --> 00:41:29,161 Do you get it? 772 00:41:29,203 --> 00:41:32,468 - Can I say... - Again. This is... I can't. 773 00:41:32,506 --> 00:41:37,108 Dude, honestly you've got to be a little more positive about these things, all right? 774 00:41:37,144 --> 00:41:40,409 - Yeah? - Positive about what? I don't... 775 00:41:40,447 --> 00:41:43,848 First of all, look at this beautiful Alabama landscape, OK? 776 00:41:43,884 --> 00:41:46,978 You don't get shit like this in New Jersey. 777 00:41:47,821 --> 00:41:49,220 God, you... 778 00:41:49,289 --> 00:41:50,756 Hey, look, dude. 779 00:41:50,791 --> 00:41:52,691 It's a baby deer. 780 00:41:53,494 --> 00:41:57,055 - Wow. Man. - Shit. 781 00:41:59,700 --> 00:42:02,533 Hey. Hey. 782 00:42:02,569 --> 00:42:06,027 Look how cute this deer is, dude. Not like those asshole deer in New Jersey. 783 00:42:06,073 --> 00:42:07,563 I know, man. 784 00:42:07,608 --> 00:42:10,133 - Hey, buddy. - Dude, Alabama's awesome. 785 00:42:10,177 --> 00:42:11,974 He likes you. 786 00:42:12,846 --> 00:42:15,474 - Oh, my God! - No! 787 00:42:18,485 --> 00:42:21,420 Sorry about that. I was in my zone. 788 00:42:24,591 --> 00:42:28,254 What the hell are y'all doing out here in them fancy clothes? 789 00:42:28,295 --> 00:42:30,820 We were on our way to Texas and we got lost. 790 00:42:30,864 --> 00:42:32,354 Texas? 791 00:42:33,467 --> 00:42:35,628 You're a long way from Texas. 792 00:42:35,969 --> 00:42:36,993 No! 793 00:42:40,674 --> 00:42:43,336 Born in '04. 794 00:42:43,377 --> 00:42:45,038 Get in here. 795 00:42:48,348 --> 00:42:51,442 Yeah. The sun's about to go down. 796 00:42:51,485 --> 00:42:55,285 - Y'all need a place to stay? Ya hungry? - Yeah, sure. 797 00:42:55,322 --> 00:42:57,381 You want to follow me? 798 00:42:58,292 --> 00:42:59,884 Come on. 799 00:43:00,894 --> 00:43:02,885 Maybe we shouldn't. 800 00:43:03,564 --> 00:43:06,294 It's already dead. You need a hand, dude? 801 00:43:06,934 --> 00:43:09,528 My grandpappy bought this land in 1902. 802 00:43:09,570 --> 00:43:12,038 Very nice, sir. 803 00:43:12,072 --> 00:43:14,302 This place is gonna suck. 804 00:43:18,378 --> 00:43:21,006 Honey, I'm home. 805 00:43:27,521 --> 00:43:28,886 I'm in here. 806 00:43:32,292 --> 00:43:35,193 I wish you'd told me you was bringing guests home. 807 00:43:35,229 --> 00:43:37,094 I'da straightened up in here. 808 00:43:37,131 --> 00:43:39,224 Fellas, this is my wife Raylene. 809 00:43:39,266 --> 00:43:41,894 Raylene, meet Harold and Kumar. 810 00:43:41,935 --> 00:43:43,402 Hello. 811 00:43:43,437 --> 00:43:47,703 Can't shake. I've just got... deer head all over me. 812 00:43:47,741 --> 00:43:50,039 - Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you boys. 813 00:43:50,077 --> 00:43:52,568 - You just make yourselves at home. - Thank you. 814 00:43:52,613 --> 00:43:54,171 Honey, something's wrong with that DSL. 815 00:43:54,214 --> 00:43:57,274 Every time I go on the online, it says, "Searching for server." 816 00:43:57,317 --> 00:43:59,182 You try unplugging the AirPort base? 817 00:43:59,219 --> 00:44:01,346 Yeah, I done did that but it didn't work. 818 00:44:01,388 --> 00:44:02,912 What you need to go online fors, anyways? 819 00:44:02,956 --> 00:44:06,084 I was gonna get one of them new portable satellite radios. 820 00:44:06,126 --> 00:44:08,754 What the fuck you need a satellite radio for? 821 00:44:08,796 --> 00:44:11,094 Don't you be cussin' when we got company over. 822 00:44:11,131 --> 00:44:12,257 - Guys. - Please don't worry about us. 823 00:44:12,299 --> 00:44:13,596 We cuss all the time. 824 00:44:13,634 --> 00:44:14,965 Who do you think you is, hitting me? 825 00:44:15,002 --> 00:44:17,129 Who do you think bought you that Prada bag? 826 00:44:17,171 --> 00:44:19,036 I told you I wanted a Gucci one. 827 00:44:19,072 --> 00:44:20,334 The Gucci bag cost more! 828 00:44:20,374 --> 00:44:22,672 Well, Jan Sapperstein's husband sure could afford it. 829 00:44:22,709 --> 00:44:24,870 Here we go again with Jan Sapperstein. 830 00:44:24,912 --> 00:44:27,176 I don't give a rat's ass what that bitch got. 831 00:44:27,214 --> 00:44:28,476 You be happy with what you have. 832 00:44:28,515 --> 00:44:31,177 What I have is a husband who ain't worth a turd! 833 00:44:31,218 --> 00:44:32,583 You wanna give me shit now? 834 00:44:32,619 --> 00:44:34,678 - That's right! - After everything I let you buy! 835 00:44:34,721 --> 00:44:36,120 Even look at the credit card bills? 836 00:44:36,156 --> 00:44:38,852 You buy?! Do you think we need another set of golf balls? 837 00:44:38,892 --> 00:44:41,827 - Even worse is the credit card miles. - Stinky, smelly, motherf... 838 00:44:41,862 --> 00:44:43,659 Guys, we're just gonna get out of here. 839 00:44:43,697 --> 00:44:47,394 Nonsense. Don't be silly. You're our guests. 840 00:44:47,434 --> 00:44:49,902 You guys have got to stay for supper. 841 00:44:49,937 --> 00:44:51,529 - No, we couldn't. That's... - No, thank you. We really couldn't... 842 00:44:51,572 --> 00:44:55,975 Of course, we're gonna have to get high first. 843 00:45:19,199 --> 00:45:21,190 We're close. 844 00:45:28,408 --> 00:45:31,036 This is news to me. I never knew farmers smoked weed. 845 00:45:31,078 --> 00:45:34,536 You ever tried farmin' not high? It's borin' as shit. 846 00:45:34,581 --> 00:45:36,572 You know, this is great, guys. 847 00:45:36,617 --> 00:45:42,119 I kind of always, you know, sort of assumed that people from the South were kinda... 848 00:45:42,155 --> 00:45:44,055 A bunch of dumb rednecks? 849 00:45:44,091 --> 00:45:46,719 - No. - No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's not... 850 00:45:46,760 --> 00:45:50,696 We do try to keep our inbred son in the basement when we have company. 851 00:45:50,731 --> 00:45:53,063 Guys, I didn't mean it like that. I was just... 852 00:45:57,170 --> 00:45:59,035 Look at their faces! 853 00:46:04,378 --> 00:46:05,367 Fuck, fuck! 854 00:46:05,412 --> 00:46:07,073 Shit, they found us. They found us. They found us. 855 00:46:07,114 --> 00:46:08,706 - What do you mean, they found you? - Listen, I'm so sorry. I am so sorry. 856 00:46:08,749 --> 00:46:10,740 Are you boys in some kind of trouble? 857 00:46:10,784 --> 00:46:13,617 All right. This is gonna sound crazy, but, basically... 858 00:46:13,654 --> 00:46:14,916 we were on a plane to Amsterdam... 859 00:46:14,955 --> 00:46:17,617 and we got mistaken for terrorists and we got sent to Guantánamo Bay... 860 00:46:17,658 --> 00:46:19,785 and then we escaped and snuck into America with a bunch of Cubans... 861 00:46:19,826 --> 00:46:21,883 and now we're trying to get to Texas where there's a guy who can help us out... 862 00:46:21,929 --> 00:46:23,829 and he's getting married to Kumar's ex-girlfriend. 863 00:46:23,864 --> 00:46:25,593 Yes. 864 00:46:26,466 --> 00:46:29,162 OK. That's cool. 865 00:46:29,202 --> 00:46:31,636 - I understand that. - You do? 866 00:46:31,672 --> 00:46:35,904 Like the government's never screwed us over before. You know what? 867 00:46:35,943 --> 00:46:38,002 Y'all come down here and hide in the basement. I will handle this. 868 00:46:38,045 --> 00:46:39,478 Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, both. 869 00:46:39,513 --> 00:46:41,481 Thank you, thank you. 870 00:46:50,857 --> 00:46:53,792 OK. This isn't creepy. 871 00:46:57,331 --> 00:46:58,764 What the hell is that? 872 00:47:00,667 --> 00:47:03,363 You're walking towards the creepy music? 873 00:47:03,937 --> 00:47:05,199 Ge... 874 00:47:05,238 --> 00:47:06,796 This song rocks, dude. 875 00:47:13,580 --> 00:47:14,569 Kumar. 876 00:47:21,121 --> 00:47:23,851 Hey, dude, there's a lighter here with a clown on it. 877 00:47:25,325 --> 00:47:26,849 Jesus Christ, there's a fucking monster! 878 00:47:27,627 --> 00:47:28,685 God! 879 00:47:39,773 --> 00:47:42,936 Hey, you don't happen to have a Baby Ruth on you, do you? 880 00:47:42,976 --> 00:47:45,536 No. Why do you need a Baby Ruth? 881 00:47:45,579 --> 00:47:48,514 That's how Chunk won over Sloth in The Goonies. 882 00:47:48,548 --> 00:47:50,482 This thing looks like Sloth? 883 00:47:50,517 --> 00:47:52,678 All I saw was the creature's hand. 884 00:47:52,719 --> 00:47:54,414 The hand looks like Sloth? 885 00:47:54,454 --> 00:47:58,584 The fucking hand of an evil monster, dude. Like fucking claws and shit. 886 00:47:58,625 --> 00:48:00,422 Shit. 887 00:48:00,460 --> 00:48:04,829 Listen, no matter what, don't let the creature know that it's ugly, OK? 888 00:48:04,865 --> 00:48:07,766 The last thing that we want to do is criticize it or make it feel different... 889 00:48:07,801 --> 00:48:10,531 just because it was born with horrible deformities. 890 00:48:21,081 --> 00:48:24,312 Don't worry. I got rid of 'em. It was just my neighbors. 891 00:48:24,351 --> 00:48:25,375 - There's a fricking Cyclops... - No, you got... 892 00:48:25,419 --> 00:48:27,478 - in your basement, man! - a fucking thing, dude! 893 00:48:27,521 --> 00:48:28,715 You met Cyrus. 894 00:48:28,755 --> 00:48:29,949 - Cyrus. - You named it? 895 00:48:29,990 --> 00:48:31,218 Our son. 896 00:48:31,258 --> 00:48:34,193 You must have woke him up. He was supposed to be asleep. I'm sorry. 897 00:48:34,227 --> 00:48:38,389 I thought you were joking when you said you had an inbred son who lives in your basement. 898 00:48:38,432 --> 00:48:40,059 Well, it ain't a joke. 899 00:48:40,100 --> 00:48:43,399 Raylene and I here are siblings, and we get it on. 900 00:48:43,437 --> 00:48:45,735 But that don't mean we ought to be judged. 901 00:48:45,772 --> 00:48:48,536 You boys must be awful tired after what you've been through. 902 00:48:48,575 --> 00:48:50,008 Come with me, I'll show you to your bed. 903 00:48:50,043 --> 00:48:52,068 You better go back to sleep, boy! 904 00:48:52,112 --> 00:48:55,104 Don't make me come down there and whip your Cyclops ass! 905 00:48:57,417 --> 00:48:59,078 It's tough love. 906 00:48:59,119 --> 00:49:01,110 It's the best way. 907 00:49:18,905 --> 00:49:21,965 I don't know what I was thinking dating that douchebag Colton. 908 00:49:22,008 --> 00:49:25,307 He is a douchebag. What were you thinking? 909 00:49:25,345 --> 00:49:29,042 But it was agony pretending his puny, little penis satisfied me. 910 00:49:29,082 --> 00:49:33,644 I bet. I bet you've been missing the thundercock too, haven't you, baby? 911 00:49:33,687 --> 00:49:35,951 - Yeah. - Yeah? 912 00:49:35,989 --> 00:49:37,616 Yeah, you've been missing it? 913 00:49:37,657 --> 00:49:38,783 How much? 914 00:49:38,825 --> 00:49:41,726 - A lot. - I bet. 915 00:49:42,729 --> 00:49:44,526 Well... 916 00:49:44,564 --> 00:49:48,193 - I kind of have this fantasy. - What is it? 917 00:49:48,235 --> 00:49:52,296 I thought it'd be kinda cool to bring somebody else in bed with us. 918 00:49:53,507 --> 00:49:55,372 Who? 919 00:49:55,408 --> 00:49:57,137 Hey, baby. 920 00:50:03,850 --> 00:50:05,078 - Yeah! - Yeah? 921 00:50:05,118 --> 00:50:07,916 - Yeah. - She's hot, right? 922 00:50:07,954 --> 00:50:08,978 Let's do it. 923 00:50:09,022 --> 00:50:11,513 There's something About that woman 924 00:50:11,558 --> 00:50:14,959 She's got something you can't live without 925 00:50:14,995 --> 00:50:17,759 Makes your heart sing 926 00:50:17,797 --> 00:50:19,389 Faster, Weedy. 927 00:50:19,432 --> 00:50:21,491 Something about that woman 928 00:50:21,535 --> 00:50:24,993 If you're in doubt then you are missing out 929 00:50:25,038 --> 00:50:27,529 On a good thing 930 00:50:28,542 --> 00:50:30,806 I got to give it up 931 00:50:30,844 --> 00:50:33,574 Teeth, teeth, Weedy, teeth. 932 00:50:36,016 --> 00:50:37,711 - Weedy! - Yeah? 933 00:50:37,751 --> 00:50:40,618 - Yeah! - You like that? 934 00:50:49,129 --> 00:50:50,960 Putting it in the ass now, Weedy. 935 00:50:53,967 --> 00:50:54,991 Yeah, how about that? 936 00:50:55,035 --> 00:50:57,094 Something about that woman 937 00:50:57,137 --> 00:51:00,573 She's got something you can't live without 938 00:51:00,607 --> 00:51:02,575 Makes your heart sing 939 00:51:04,311 --> 00:51:07,041 It's just something about that woman 940 00:51:07,080 --> 00:51:10,743 If you're in doubt then you are missing out 941 00:51:10,784 --> 00:51:13,344 On a good thing 942 00:51:14,120 --> 00:51:15,883 I got to give it up 943 00:51:21,861 --> 00:51:23,123 Wow. 944 00:51:28,134 --> 00:51:29,533 Dude. 945 00:51:30,470 --> 00:51:32,631 I just had the most fucked-up nightmare. 946 00:51:32,672 --> 00:51:36,733 Come on, man. I was having a really hot dream. 947 00:51:36,776 --> 00:51:39,438 Go back to bed, please, dude. 948 00:52:11,311 --> 00:52:14,014 Why did we have to leave? Their Goonies child was kind of cute. 949 00:52:14,014 --> 00:52:16,539 I don't care. It tried to fucking bite me. 950 00:52:16,583 --> 00:52:21,415 Jesus, every time the two of us try to get anywhere it's fucking disaster after fucking disaster. 951 00:52:21,454 --> 00:52:23,217 Jesus, dude. Here, you really need a hit of this. 952 00:52:23,256 --> 00:52:25,850 Dude, I don't want a fucking hit! 953 00:52:25,892 --> 00:52:28,190 It's your solution to everything, you know that? 954 00:52:28,228 --> 00:52:31,197 Think about it. We should be at Colton's already. 955 00:52:31,231 --> 00:52:34,496 Hey, chill, we still have two days to fuck up the wedding. 956 00:52:34,534 --> 00:52:36,593 - What? - What? 957 00:52:37,103 --> 00:52:38,695 - What? - What? 958 00:52:39,139 --> 00:52:43,473 That's what this is all about, isn't it? You want to fuck up the wedding. 959 00:52:43,510 --> 00:52:46,843 It's not fucking funny, Kumar. It's not fucking funny! 960 00:52:47,280 --> 00:52:49,373 Colton is the only guy that can help us out at this point. 961 00:52:49,416 --> 00:52:52,044 I can't believe... I cannot believe you're willing to fuck that up! 962 00:52:52,085 --> 00:52:53,985 I just hate that fucking asshole, OK? 963 00:52:54,020 --> 00:52:56,784 Yeah? I like him better than I like you right now. 964 00:52:56,823 --> 00:52:59,018 - Really? - Yeah. 965 00:52:59,059 --> 00:53:01,050 You know what he got me? A job. 966 00:53:01,094 --> 00:53:05,030 You know what you got me? Thrown into Guantanamo Bay. 967 00:53:05,065 --> 00:53:06,760 - Your job sucks. - Admit it. 968 00:53:06,800 --> 00:53:09,633 You're jealous because Vanessa found somebody better than you. 969 00:53:09,669 --> 00:53:11,227 What the fuck is that supposed to mean? 970 00:53:11,271 --> 00:53:13,865 Better than you! Let me think. 971 00:53:13,907 --> 00:53:17,399 Potential future president, or unemployed pothead? 972 00:53:17,444 --> 00:53:19,969 Tough. That's tough. That's a tough one for her, isn't it? 973 00:53:20,013 --> 00:53:24,080 Yeah, well at least Vanessa's not in Amsterdam getting plowed by a bunch of European dudes. 974 00:53:25,152 --> 00:53:25,856 What? 975 00:53:25,856 --> 00:53:28,320 Do you really think Maria's saving herself for you, dude? 976 00:53:28,355 --> 00:53:31,416 Right now, she's probably got two uncircumcised dicks dangling in front of her throat. 977 00:53:31,458 --> 00:53:34,916 You know what she's gonna do with them? Down 'em into her tonsils? 978 00:53:39,299 --> 00:53:41,392 Fucking dick. 979 00:53:44,704 --> 00:53:47,070 - That's my hat. - That was my hat, bro. 980 00:53:49,442 --> 00:53:51,103 Maria, Maria, Maria, Maria. 981 00:53:51,511 --> 00:53:53,001 Asshole! 982 00:53:53,046 --> 00:53:55,879 Don't you dare say a fucking word about my angel! 983 00:53:58,351 --> 00:54:00,182 What the fuck was that? 984 00:54:00,220 --> 00:54:02,279 Get up. Get up! 985 00:54:02,322 --> 00:54:04,290 Fuck you. 986 00:54:13,500 --> 00:54:15,092 Shit. 987 00:54:18,638 --> 00:54:21,573 Isn't that a KKK bonfire? 988 00:54:21,608 --> 00:54:22,768 Yeah. 989 00:54:24,144 --> 00:54:26,044 Yeah, I think it is. 990 00:54:26,846 --> 00:54:29,041 Maybe we should get the fuck out of here. 991 00:54:29,082 --> 00:54:31,107 Yeah. Yeah, dude. 992 00:54:31,151 --> 00:54:33,483 Let's do that. 993 00:54:36,456 --> 00:54:39,289 The other day, caught a rerun of that show Becker. 994 00:54:39,325 --> 00:54:40,758 You know that show? 995 00:54:40,794 --> 00:54:44,230 Yeah, that's the one with that Jew, Ted Danson. 996 00:54:44,264 --> 00:54:47,700 That blond negro they got on there, he had me in stitches. 997 00:54:47,734 --> 00:54:49,292 He's actually pretty funny. 998 00:54:49,335 --> 00:54:51,565 Really? You think so? 999 00:54:51,604 --> 00:54:54,402 I'm not saying I wouldn't lynch the guy, but... 1000 00:54:54,441 --> 00:54:57,239 his timing, it's priceless. 1001 00:54:57,977 --> 00:55:00,275 Hold up a second. 1002 00:55:00,313 --> 00:55:02,975 I gotta go drain the main vein. 1003 00:55:19,966 --> 00:55:22,161 I'll tell ya, Travis... 1004 00:55:22,202 --> 00:55:24,568 when it comes to feeling good... 1005 00:55:24,604 --> 00:55:27,630 I'd rate pissin' right up there with comin' and shittin'. 1006 00:55:29,676 --> 00:55:31,234 I like to do all three. 1007 00:55:31,277 --> 00:55:32,505 Yeah, I hear ya. 1008 00:55:34,714 --> 00:55:37,808 Kenny, come on, man. Hurry the fuck up. 1009 00:55:38,751 --> 00:55:42,152 You were the one who made me drink that third beer. 1010 00:55:42,188 --> 00:55:44,622 Hold your horses, peckerwood. 1011 00:55:45,492 --> 00:55:47,892 Gross! You fucking pissed on me! 1012 00:55:47,927 --> 00:55:50,225 - You racist fuck! - What the heck? 1013 00:55:57,003 --> 00:55:59,028 What the nigger was that? 1014 00:56:01,074 --> 00:56:03,668 This is fucked. We are fucked. 1015 00:56:03,710 --> 00:56:05,610 Kenny. Travis. 1016 00:56:07,146 --> 00:56:09,808 What in the tarnation you guys doin'? 1017 00:56:09,849 --> 00:56:12,010 Good, you brought the keg. Lug that thing over. 1018 00:56:12,051 --> 00:56:13,416 - Let's go! Come on! - Come on! 1019 00:56:13,453 --> 00:56:15,717 Let's go, come on! 1020 00:56:27,033 --> 00:56:29,763 Yeah, then you put little onions on 'em and you steam 'em, they're awesome. 1021 00:56:29,802 --> 00:56:35,032 Roldy, dude, I'd never thought I'd say this in a million years but the Klan really knows how to party. 1022 00:56:35,074 --> 00:56:36,905 You gotta try these dogs. 1023 00:56:36,943 --> 00:56:37,932 - Really? - Oh, yeah. 1024 00:56:37,977 --> 00:56:40,673 Really know how to... the Klan knows how to party? 1025 00:56:40,713 --> 00:56:42,738 - Dude, we've got to get out of here! - Jeez, all right, dude, relax. 1026 00:56:42,782 --> 00:56:46,240 All right, y'all! Come on over here and we'll sit around the campfire. 1027 00:56:46,286 --> 00:56:48,754 - Shit, what do we do? - Let's go sit down. 1028 00:56:48,788 --> 00:56:50,016 Rufus. Next to them marshmallows... 1029 00:56:50,056 --> 00:56:52,286 - and the graham crackers. - Everybody sit down. 1030 00:56:52,325 --> 00:56:54,850 Best s'mores we've had in a long time... 1031 00:56:54,894 --> 00:56:57,089 that's what I'm talking about, that's what I'm talking about. 1032 00:56:57,130 --> 00:57:03,528 Now. Now I want each one of y'all to tell me somethin'... Porch monkey, kike! 1033 00:57:03,570 --> 00:57:06,471 that you did to a minority this week. Yeah. 1034 00:57:06,506 --> 00:57:10,871 I tripped a beaner while I was walking down the stairs at the Wal-Mart the other day. 1035 00:57:11,978 --> 00:57:13,741 Guy crashed into a bunch of wine bottles. 1036 00:57:14,480 --> 00:57:16,607 They made him pay for 'em! Yeah! 1037 00:57:19,352 --> 00:57:21,149 All right, all right, let's all calm down. 1038 00:57:21,187 --> 00:57:24,213 White power here, white power here, white power here. 1039 00:57:25,191 --> 00:57:27,056 Giving him what he deserves. 1040 00:57:27,093 --> 00:57:28,390 Hebe! 1041 00:57:30,396 --> 00:57:32,887 All right, I'm back. Next. 1042 00:57:32,932 --> 00:57:35,059 It better be good. Here. 1043 00:57:39,205 --> 00:57:41,469 Come on, dude, say something. 1044 00:57:43,876 --> 00:57:45,673 You know what? 1045 00:57:47,347 --> 00:57:49,338 I did knee an Indian guy in the balls. 1046 00:57:49,382 --> 00:57:50,406 That's funny! 1047 00:57:52,085 --> 00:57:54,417 Yeah, send them Indians back to Africa. 1048 00:57:54,487 --> 00:57:58,583 Well, you want to hear something real fucked-up and awesome that I did? 1049 00:57:58,625 --> 00:58:03,358 I took a Korean guy's toothbrush and I rubbed it all over my dick. 1050 00:58:03,396 --> 00:58:07,332 - You did that? - Well, that's just downright disgustin'. 1051 00:58:07,367 --> 00:58:09,130 - But I like it! - Yeah! 1052 00:58:10,303 --> 00:58:12,601 Yeah, I love bein' white. 1053 00:58:13,840 --> 00:58:16,775 - What the... - Look what we got us here, brothers. 1054 00:58:20,146 --> 00:58:22,341 Mexicans! 1055 00:58:22,382 --> 00:58:25,044 Lynch 'em! 1056 00:58:25,084 --> 00:58:26,346 Come on, come on! Come on! 1057 00:58:29,122 --> 00:58:32,285 Come on, boys, let's chase them back to the border! 1058 00:58:33,726 --> 00:58:34,715 Pussy fart! 1059 00:58:37,530 --> 00:58:39,964 Holy shit! 1060 00:58:39,999 --> 00:58:41,933 Should we put it out or what? 1061 00:58:44,237 --> 00:58:46,102 Are they still behind us? 1062 00:58:46,139 --> 00:58:49,131 I don't think so. Dude, the Klan is fucking slow. 1063 00:58:51,878 --> 00:58:54,278 Hey, flag down this car. 1064 00:58:54,313 --> 00:58:57,009 Help! Help! Help! 1065 00:58:58,518 --> 00:59:00,884 - Thank you. - Thank you. 1066 00:59:02,221 --> 00:59:03,449 Yeah 1067 00:59:03,489 --> 00:59:04,956 Thanks for stopping. 1068 00:59:04,991 --> 00:59:05,980 You better check yo self 1069 00:59:06,025 --> 00:59:07,287 No problem. 1070 00:59:07,326 --> 00:59:09,055 'Cause I'm bad for your health, I come real stealth 1071 00:59:09,095 --> 00:59:10,585 Neil? 1072 00:59:10,630 --> 00:59:13,155 Gary and Kumar! 1073 00:59:13,199 --> 00:59:14,257 - Yeah. - Yeah. 1074 00:59:14,300 --> 00:59:15,289 Harold. Harold. 1075 00:59:15,334 --> 00:59:16,824 Sorry, man. I forgot. 1076 00:59:19,038 --> 00:59:21,165 What are you doing here, man? 1077 00:59:21,207 --> 00:59:24,665 This is where God took me. What are you guys doing out here? 1078 00:59:24,711 --> 00:59:27,202 We're actually trying to get to Texas. 1079 00:59:27,246 --> 00:59:28,611 That's where I'm headed! 1080 00:59:30,149 --> 00:59:31,138 What are the odds? 1081 00:59:32,051 --> 00:59:33,040 Let's get out of here. 1082 00:59:33,086 --> 00:59:34,644 - All right. - Thank you. 1083 00:59:35,321 --> 00:59:36,310 Shrooms? 1084 00:59:36,355 --> 00:59:38,653 - No. Thanks, though. - No, thank you. 1085 00:59:38,691 --> 00:59:40,522 Suit yourself. 1086 00:59:45,198 --> 00:59:47,223 Gentlemen, start your engines. 1087 00:59:48,034 --> 00:59:50,366 It's gonna be a bumpy fuckin' ride. 1088 00:59:50,403 --> 00:59:52,303 'Cause shotgun bullets are bad for your health 1089 00:59:57,210 --> 00:59:59,678 We found their phone. 1090 01:00:00,546 --> 01:00:03,174 Lee and Patel made a phone call to you. 1091 01:00:05,051 --> 01:00:07,246 Now tell us everything you know about their terrorist plot. 1092 01:00:07,286 --> 01:00:10,312 Terrorist plot? Rold and Kumar? 1093 01:00:10,356 --> 01:00:12,586 This is ridiculous. 1094 01:00:12,625 --> 01:00:15,185 OK, fine. Fine. 1095 01:00:15,228 --> 01:00:17,788 Mr. Rosenberg. 1096 01:00:17,830 --> 01:00:20,663 Mr. Gold-stein. 1097 01:00:21,601 --> 01:00:23,694 We'll do it your way. 1098 01:00:27,540 --> 01:00:30,771 What's this? What do we have here? 1099 01:00:57,670 --> 01:00:59,365 It's about seven dollars? 1100 01:00:59,405 --> 01:01:01,066 Look, don't insult us, all right? 1101 01:01:01,107 --> 01:01:05,339 I don't know what the hell is going on here but I'm pleading the Fifth until I speak to my lawyer. 1102 01:01:05,378 --> 01:01:07,642 You're pleading the Fifth, huh? 1103 01:01:08,781 --> 01:01:10,749 Beecher, give me a copy of the Bill of Rights. 1104 01:01:10,783 --> 01:01:12,307 The Bill of Rights? Why? 1105 01:01:12,351 --> 01:01:14,410 Just do it! 1106 01:01:14,453 --> 01:01:16,387 Excuse me. 1107 01:01:18,624 --> 01:01:19,613 Five, right? 1108 01:01:19,659 --> 01:01:20,956 - Five alive. - Sure. 1109 01:01:20,993 --> 01:01:23,553 OK. OK. Good. 1110 01:01:25,965 --> 01:01:29,332 You wanna know what I think about the Fifth Amendment? 1111 01:01:36,843 --> 01:01:38,276 There it is. 1112 01:01:44,951 --> 01:01:47,784 That's what I think of the Fifth Amendment. 1113 01:01:50,723 --> 01:01:53,419 Why the hell is your ass so dirty? Don't you wipe? 1114 01:01:53,459 --> 01:01:57,020 Don't ask questions you don't want the answer to, buddy. 1115 01:01:57,063 --> 01:01:58,052 What do ya got? 1116 01:01:58,097 --> 01:02:01,157 Turns out the FBI was already tapping Mr. Goldstein's phone. 1117 01:02:01,200 --> 01:02:02,963 - We got what we need. - Wait a second. 1118 01:02:03,002 --> 01:02:05,334 You were tapping my phone? 1119 01:02:05,371 --> 01:02:06,360 You want to hear the tape? 1120 01:02:06,405 --> 01:02:10,637 No. I'm sick of listening to this dirt farmer. What's the upshot? 1121 01:02:10,676 --> 01:02:13,144 Lee and Patel are on their way to Texas as we speak. 1122 01:02:14,180 --> 01:02:15,340 I knew they'd trip up. 1123 01:02:15,381 --> 01:02:19,181 Ready the plane. These fuckers are goin' down. 1124 01:02:26,225 --> 01:02:29,854 Neil, can you just focus on driving? You've had... Focus on the road. 1125 01:02:29,896 --> 01:02:32,456 You've had dozens of shrooms, my friend. 1126 01:02:33,132 --> 01:02:36,226 Dude, I was able to perform an appendectomy at age 14. 1127 01:02:36,269 --> 01:02:39,432 I think I can handle a couple mushrooms. 1128 01:02:39,472 --> 01:02:42,999 - Wasn't that just a TV show? - Jesus Christ! 1129 01:02:43,042 --> 01:02:45,840 Did you see that unicorn? 1130 01:02:45,878 --> 01:02:47,641 lts horn was so shiny. 1131 01:02:48,648 --> 01:02:52,140 So, why are you guys headed to Texas? 1132 01:02:52,184 --> 01:02:55,085 Let's just say my ex-girlfriend's getting married. 1133 01:02:58,324 --> 01:03:00,292 The one that got away, huh? 1134 01:03:00,326 --> 01:03:01,987 Yep. 1135 01:03:02,028 --> 01:03:04,019 Sounds to me like you need a drink. 1136 01:03:04,864 --> 01:03:07,162 Road. Neil, please, can you pay attention... 1137 01:03:07,199 --> 01:03:09,133 Dude, I've got it! 1138 01:03:09,168 --> 01:03:12,069 - Yeah, but... - He's a good driver. Stop. 1139 01:03:12,104 --> 01:03:15,164 Thanks, man. Cheers, dude. 1140 01:03:15,207 --> 01:03:16,333 Really? Drinking? 1141 01:03:23,683 --> 01:03:25,742 I have a lost-love story of my own. 1142 01:03:25,785 --> 01:03:26,774 Yeah? 1143 01:03:27,486 --> 01:03:29,750 Happened on the set of Clara's Heart. 1144 01:03:29,789 --> 01:03:31,279 Sure, sure, yeah. 1145 01:03:31,324 --> 01:03:34,816 I'll never forget her. Her name was Tashonda. 1146 01:03:34,860 --> 01:03:36,691 She was Whoopi Goldberg's stand-in. 1147 01:03:36,729 --> 01:03:40,722 Her skin was so soft, her lips were so sweet. 1148 01:03:41,834 --> 01:03:46,737 She had these tiny, little Hershey Kiss nipples... 1149 01:03:47,506 --> 01:03:50,634 that you just wanted to suck on all night long. 1150 01:03:51,143 --> 01:03:54,408 Anyway, last day of shooting, I told her. 1151 01:03:54,447 --> 01:03:56,210 I said... 1152 01:03:56,248 --> 01:03:59,979 "T-Bird, we're gonna have to break up." 1153 01:04:00,019 --> 01:04:01,611 Why did you do that? 1154 01:04:02,588 --> 01:04:05,523 I didn't think I could take on that kind of responsibility. 1155 01:04:07,126 --> 01:04:10,118 It was such a big mistake. 1156 01:04:10,162 --> 01:04:14,863 Why? I mean, with T-Bird gone couldn't you have sex with whoever you wanted? 1157 01:04:14,900 --> 01:04:16,094 Let me be clear. 1158 01:04:16,135 --> 01:04:18,000 There is nothing on the planet... 1159 01:04:18,037 --> 01:04:20,335 that I love more than a hot, new pussy. 1160 01:04:20,373 --> 01:04:21,897 - Sure. - Nothing. 1161 01:04:21,941 --> 01:04:24,034 What does the P.H. stands for in N.P.H.? 1162 01:04:25,311 --> 01:04:26,403 Patrick Harris. 1163 01:04:26,445 --> 01:04:29,073 No, common mistake. Poon handler. 1164 01:04:29,982 --> 01:04:31,643 The point is, boys... 1165 01:04:31,684 --> 01:04:36,280 even though I love havin' sex with some hot, random trim... 1166 01:04:36,322 --> 01:04:41,282 a day hasn't gone by where I haven't thought of Tashonda. 1167 01:04:42,161 --> 01:04:47,463 Every time I see a bag of Hershey's Kisses, my balls get so wet. 1168 01:04:52,538 --> 01:04:54,563 Here's to you, Tashonda. 1169 01:04:55,274 --> 01:04:58,903 - I hope you kept the baby. - Wow. 1170 01:05:24,870 --> 01:05:27,964 Free on my own 1171 01:05:28,007 --> 01:05:31,067 That's the way I used to be 1172 01:05:31,110 --> 01:05:32,668 But since I met you, baby 1173 01:05:32,711 --> 01:05:34,872 Hey, honey. What's up? 1174 01:05:34,914 --> 01:05:37,542 I found something in your purse. 1175 01:05:38,417 --> 01:05:39,884 Why would you go through my purse? 1176 01:05:39,919 --> 01:05:41,580 Why would you have a joint... 1177 01:05:41,620 --> 01:05:44,714 when you know it could ruin my political career? 1178 01:05:44,757 --> 01:05:45,815 I'm sorry. 1179 01:05:45,858 --> 01:05:50,124 What with all the wedding plans, I've just been a little stressed. 1180 01:05:50,162 --> 01:05:52,096 It helps me relax? 1181 01:05:52,131 --> 01:05:55,589 Marijuana is illegal, Vanessa. 1182 01:05:55,634 --> 01:05:57,465 Now, I thought that part of your life was in the past. 1183 01:05:57,503 --> 01:05:59,937 - It is. - Good. 1184 01:06:01,307 --> 01:06:02,399 That's all I need to hear. 1185 01:06:05,044 --> 01:06:07,842 Hey, baby. 1186 01:06:07,880 --> 01:06:11,213 Look, I know things can be hectic with the wedding. 1187 01:06:11,250 --> 01:06:15,619 But, you know, if you get stressed out, just do what I do. 1188 01:06:15,654 --> 01:06:17,679 Snort Zoloft, OK? 1189 01:06:25,297 --> 01:06:27,595 What the fuck? 1190 01:06:27,633 --> 01:06:28,622 Shit. 1191 01:06:28,667 --> 01:06:32,125 Dude, they set up a fucking roadblock! They're gonna find us. 1192 01:06:32,171 --> 01:06:33,340 What are you talking about? 1193 01:06:33,440 --> 01:06:36,201 Neil, I don't know how to say this any other way, man, but we're fugitives. 1194 01:06:36,242 --> 01:06:37,834 Cool. 1195 01:06:39,178 --> 01:06:41,476 OK, well, we've got to find a way to get out of this. 1196 01:06:41,514 --> 01:06:43,141 - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Please. 1197 01:06:43,182 --> 01:06:47,084 You act like I've never smuggled a fugitive across state lines before. 1198 01:06:47,119 --> 01:06:49,417 Here. Hide in that. 1199 01:06:49,455 --> 01:06:51,821 Sorry. It's a little sticky. 1200 01:06:54,226 --> 01:06:56,023 Shit. 1201 01:07:00,900 --> 01:07:02,390 Yeah. 1202 01:07:04,603 --> 01:07:06,764 What the... When were you gonna show me these? 1203 01:07:15,014 --> 01:07:16,948 Excuse me. 1204 01:07:17,716 --> 01:07:18,876 Wait, Officer! 1205 01:07:19,818 --> 01:07:22,252 - Shit. - Hold that car! 1206 01:07:36,202 --> 01:07:40,138 Neil Patrick Harris. 1207 01:07:41,440 --> 01:07:42,464 Yo. 1208 01:07:44,410 --> 01:07:47,709 It is an honor to meet you, sir. 1209 01:07:47,746 --> 01:07:50,237 Yeah. I would imagine so. 1210 01:07:52,284 --> 01:08:01,125 I'm sure you get this all the time but your part in Starship Troopers truly, truly changed my life. 1211 01:08:01,160 --> 01:08:02,457 Really? 1212 01:08:02,494 --> 01:08:04,291 How? 1213 01:08:04,330 --> 01:08:09,529 Well, no one thought the war against the arachnids of Klendathu could be won. 1214 01:08:09,568 --> 01:08:11,001 - But you showed the starship troopers... - Neil! 1215 01:08:11,036 --> 01:08:12,970 that those bugs could be destroyed. 1216 01:08:14,740 --> 01:08:19,473 A lot of people think the war on terror is a war that can't be won, right? 1217 01:08:20,779 --> 01:08:23,339 That's why I joined the Department of Homeland Security. 1218 01:08:23,382 --> 01:08:28,012 My friend, two words. Starship fuckin' Troopers. 1219 01:08:28,053 --> 01:08:32,251 If you want to know the secret of being, you will come with us. 1220 01:08:33,592 --> 01:08:35,617 Please. I really need to go. 1221 01:08:35,661 --> 01:08:39,529 Yeah, of course. I'm so sorry to bother you. You move along. 1222 01:08:42,735 --> 01:08:44,703 Bye. 1223 01:08:45,337 --> 01:08:46,702 I love you. 1224 01:08:49,942 --> 01:08:51,773 I love you too, Mr. Patrick Harris. 1225 01:08:53,279 --> 01:08:54,439 What the... 1226 01:09:01,854 --> 01:09:03,617 Holy fucking shit, that was awesome. 1227 01:09:04,623 --> 01:09:06,716 Try having that conversation on shrooms. 1228 01:09:06,759 --> 01:09:08,624 I deserve an Oscar for that performance. 1229 01:09:08,661 --> 01:09:09,650 - You do! - Dudes... 1230 01:09:09,695 --> 01:09:11,560 I'm gonna take a little detour on the way, all right? 1231 01:09:11,597 --> 01:09:12,586 - No. - Neil, no. 1232 01:09:12,631 --> 01:09:13,620 But we're almost there, man. 1233 01:09:13,666 --> 01:09:15,793 - No buts. No buts! - What do you do... 1234 01:09:15,834 --> 01:09:18,769 I'm going to a whorehouse and I'm gonna get my fuck on. 1235 01:09:18,804 --> 01:09:23,332 If you two don't want to get your dicks wet, that's fine with me. 1236 01:09:24,043 --> 01:09:26,170 I'll get my dick wet. 1237 01:09:32,251 --> 01:09:36,551 Don't need nothin' but a good time 1238 01:09:36,588 --> 01:09:39,216 How can I resist? 1239 01:09:39,258 --> 01:09:43,194 Ain't lookin' for nothin' but a good time 1240 01:09:43,228 --> 01:09:47,062 And it don't get better than this 1241 01:09:47,566 --> 01:09:50,933 Pussy, I'm home! 1242 01:09:50,969 --> 01:09:52,436 Hello? 1243 01:09:53,238 --> 01:09:58,403 Well, well, well. I thought you'd never show your face around here again. 1244 01:09:58,444 --> 01:10:01,208 What's the matter, Sally? I thought I was one of your top customers. 1245 01:10:01,246 --> 01:10:04,340 Have you forgotten what happened the last time you were here? 1246 01:10:05,150 --> 01:10:07,618 Because of you, my best girl quit. 1247 01:10:07,653 --> 01:10:09,450 Hey, I paid her good money. 1248 01:10:09,488 --> 01:10:11,115 It's not my fault she didn't lube up. 1249 01:10:11,690 --> 01:10:14,853 Besides, I bring you new customers. 1250 01:10:14,893 --> 01:10:18,021 - New customers? - No, Neil, that's all. 1251 01:10:18,063 --> 01:10:20,088 Thank you. Thank you. Appreciate it. Appreciate it. 1252 01:10:20,132 --> 01:10:22,362 Sally. Bring on the lineup. 1253 01:10:25,104 --> 01:10:27,095 Line up in the chutes, girls. 1254 01:10:27,139 --> 01:10:29,972 Longhorns coming through. 1255 01:10:30,008 --> 01:10:31,100 Neil. 1256 01:10:35,047 --> 01:10:37,880 Bigger. Bigger. Bigger. Bigger. 1257 01:10:37,916 --> 01:10:39,781 Hello, ba... 1258 01:10:40,919 --> 01:10:43,683 - What's your name, miss? - Tits Hemingway. 1259 01:10:43,722 --> 01:10:45,280 How'd you come up with that? 1260 01:10:45,324 --> 01:10:47,258 Well, I have huge tits. 1261 01:10:47,292 --> 01:10:49,692 And my favorite book is A Moveable Feast. 1262 01:10:49,728 --> 01:10:52,288 I guess that makes sense, yeah. 1263 01:10:52,331 --> 01:10:53,889 Well, I hope you're ready for me, Tits... 1264 01:10:53,932 --> 01:10:57,999 'cause I'm gonna rock out with my cock out and you're gonna jam out with your clam out. 1265 01:10:58,036 --> 01:10:59,731 It's gonna be magical. 1266 01:11:00,639 --> 01:11:02,573 - The whores are on me, fellas. - No, Neil... 1267 01:11:02,608 --> 01:11:04,405 - thank you, but we... that's... - Thanks, dude. 1268 01:11:04,443 --> 01:11:09,345 Screw that, Roldy. I don't know about you but, no offense to the rest of you ladies, I am gonna be taking you two. 1269 01:11:09,548 --> 01:11:12,016 No, Kumar. Kumar! 1270 01:11:12,050 --> 01:11:13,540 Roldy, you're missing out, brother. 1271 01:11:14,453 --> 01:11:16,478 Yo, we need to get back on the road, buddy. 1272 01:11:16,522 --> 01:11:17,955 We need... 1273 01:11:21,460 --> 01:11:24,395 Well, now, you know, we also supply... 1274 01:11:24,430 --> 01:11:28,059 in-room films or a magazine. 1275 01:11:30,068 --> 01:11:32,696 Well, if you'd like some self-satisfaction... 1276 01:11:32,738 --> 01:11:34,831 we do have some... 1277 01:11:36,575 --> 01:11:38,941 electronic devices right over there. 1278 01:11:42,381 --> 01:11:44,975 Just have some coffee. Yeah? 1279 01:11:45,017 --> 01:11:47,850 Why don't you lie on the bed? 1280 01:11:47,886 --> 01:11:50,377 And tell us what you want us to do. 1281 01:11:50,422 --> 01:11:52,788 OK. OK. 1282 01:11:54,126 --> 01:11:55,753 Well... 1283 01:11:57,296 --> 01:11:59,127 how about... 1284 01:12:00,132 --> 01:12:02,600 How about you take off your clothes and make out with each other? 1285 01:12:02,634 --> 01:12:05,034 - We've done that before. - We can do that. 1286 01:12:05,070 --> 01:12:06,162 - Yeah? - Yeah. 1287 01:12:06,205 --> 01:12:07,968 Pussy real good 1288 01:12:08,006 --> 01:12:09,667 That pussy Pussy real good 1289 01:12:09,708 --> 01:12:12,040 That pussy That pussy off the chain 1290 01:12:12,077 --> 01:12:14,238 That pussy Go on and do yo thang 1291 01:12:14,279 --> 01:12:16,611 That pussy Pussy real good 1292 01:12:16,648 --> 01:12:18,707 That pussy That pussy real good 1293 01:12:18,750 --> 01:12:20,684 That pussy 1294 01:12:20,719 --> 01:12:22,516 Yo' mama don't like 1295 01:12:23,255 --> 01:12:25,189 She say I'm no good 1296 01:12:25,224 --> 01:12:27,158 What she don't know is 1297 01:12:27,192 --> 01:12:29,524 I got you pussy-whooped 1298 01:12:29,561 --> 01:12:31,825 He need this pussy 1299 01:12:31,864 --> 01:12:34,128 He smell this pussy 1300 01:12:34,166 --> 01:12:36,259 He wanna taste this pussy 1301 01:12:36,301 --> 01:12:38,701 He gotta pay for pussy 1302 01:12:38,737 --> 01:12:40,534 Can you use tongue? 1303 01:12:40,572 --> 01:12:42,802 That pussy, pussy 1304 01:12:42,841 --> 01:12:44,502 Pussy, pussy 1305 01:12:46,111 --> 01:12:47,840 Bump your titty on her titty. 1306 01:12:47,880 --> 01:12:49,313 Police pull me over 1307 01:12:49,348 --> 01:12:51,339 They don't write no tickets 1308 01:12:52,451 --> 01:12:54,351 Boner achieved! 1309 01:12:55,387 --> 01:12:58,914 Great. Now let's get those pants off. 1310 01:12:58,957 --> 01:13:00,288 OK. 1311 01:13:00,826 --> 01:13:04,091 - You are benevolent human beings. - Yeah, I know. 1312 01:13:04,129 --> 01:13:05,494 - Yeah? - We get that a lot. 1313 01:13:05,597 --> 01:13:07,360 Yeah. You know what that means, benevolent? 1314 01:13:07,399 --> 01:13:08,991 Yeah, I do, actually. 1315 01:13:09,034 --> 01:13:10,296 What? 1316 01:13:10,335 --> 01:13:12,496 It means we're gonna fuck you so hard... 1317 01:13:12,538 --> 01:13:14,904 your dick's gonna be sore for two weeks. 1318 01:13:14,940 --> 01:13:18,068 That is exactly, exactly what it means. 1319 01:13:19,144 --> 01:13:22,045 You know what bothers me the most, though? 1320 01:13:22,080 --> 01:13:25,208 He never once apologized for getting me into all this trouble. 1321 01:13:25,250 --> 01:13:30,244 I mean, I'm supposed to be with my Maria right now in Amsterdam, OK? 1322 01:13:30,289 --> 01:13:33,725 But it's cool. He doesn't know how to say "I'm sorry." 1323 01:13:34,159 --> 01:13:35,956 Why do you think that is? 1324 01:13:35,994 --> 01:13:40,431 Sparkle, because it's all about what he wants. It's about him, him, him. 1325 01:13:40,465 --> 01:13:43,662 You know. I don't even care because... You know... 1326 01:13:43,702 --> 01:13:46,466 if he can't be a good friend to me, I'm not gonna be a good friend to him. 1327 01:13:46,505 --> 01:13:48,666 - It's done. - Don't say that. 1328 01:13:49,107 --> 01:13:51,075 A good friend is hard to come by. 1329 01:13:51,109 --> 01:13:52,542 Venus, come on. 1330 01:13:52,578 --> 01:13:55,809 Yeah, but if he was a real friend, he would know how to say, "I'm sorry." 1331 01:13:55,881 --> 01:13:57,212 That's right. 1332 01:13:57,249 --> 01:13:59,240 Thank you, Agnes. 1333 01:14:00,152 --> 01:14:01,141 Nail on the head. 1334 01:14:02,020 --> 01:14:08,092 It's like right now after all the shit that we have been through in the last few days... 1335 01:14:08,126 --> 01:14:13,325 you know, he's in there having the time of his life, having sex. 1336 01:14:16,735 --> 01:14:19,226 I never should have left her. 1337 01:14:19,805 --> 01:14:21,466 I don't even know... 1338 01:14:21,506 --> 01:14:23,906 I don't even know what I was thinking. 1339 01:14:23,942 --> 01:14:26,775 I loved her so much. 1340 01:14:26,812 --> 01:14:29,007 She was my little baby. 1341 01:14:29,047 --> 01:14:30,912 She was my little baby. 1342 01:14:30,949 --> 01:14:32,109 Why did I let my little baby go? 1343 01:14:32,150 --> 01:14:34,414 Why did I let her go? 1344 01:14:34,453 --> 01:14:36,353 You'll find someone else. 1345 01:14:36,388 --> 01:14:38,083 No, I won't. Not like Vanessa. 1346 01:14:38,123 --> 01:14:40,523 You'll find love again someday. 1347 01:14:40,559 --> 01:14:42,789 Yeah, you will. 1348 01:14:43,395 --> 01:14:45,693 Did you guys? 1349 01:14:47,265 --> 01:14:49,665 No, we're whores. 1350 01:14:49,701 --> 01:14:51,999 - Remember? - Yeah. 1351 01:14:58,510 --> 01:14:59,841 Oh, my God. Are you OK? 1352 01:14:59,878 --> 01:15:01,675 What the hell is going on here? 1353 01:15:01,713 --> 01:15:04,614 That prick fucking branded me! 1354 01:15:05,517 --> 01:15:07,041 - Stop it. - I warned you, Neil. 1355 01:15:07,085 --> 01:15:09,519 Bring it. 1356 01:15:09,554 --> 01:15:11,886 - Neil! Neil! - Time to put your dick in the dirt. 1357 01:15:11,923 --> 01:15:14,323 - What... Neil! What are you doing? - Come on. Come on. Come on. 1358 01:15:14,359 --> 01:15:15,348 - But... - No, Neil. 1359 01:15:15,394 --> 01:15:16,861 Neil! 1360 01:15:17,763 --> 01:15:20,197 - What about Neil, man? - No, fuck Neil. He just fucked us. 1361 01:15:20,232 --> 01:15:22,757 - Neil! Neil! - Come on, come on, come on! 1362 01:15:22,801 --> 01:15:24,462 - Come on! Come on! Come on! - Neil! 1363 01:15:24,503 --> 01:15:25,970 Come on! 1364 01:15:27,339 --> 01:15:28,863 - N.P.H.! - No! 1365 01:15:30,676 --> 01:15:31,904 Stop! Stop! 1366 01:15:33,078 --> 01:15:34,773 Wait, wait, wait, wait! We've got to get Neil. 1367 01:15:34,813 --> 01:15:36,474 - Why? - Look, we're stealing his car! 1368 01:15:36,515 --> 01:15:39,382 - We can't leave him back there. - He stole your fucking car last week! 1369 01:15:40,385 --> 01:15:42,046 What was that? 1370 01:15:42,721 --> 01:15:43,710 - Hurry up. - Neil! 1371 01:15:43,755 --> 01:15:45,518 - Hurry up. Come on, man. - Guys. 1372 01:15:45,557 --> 01:15:47,491 - All right. Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up. - Neil, Neil, come on! Come on, man! 1373 01:15:47,526 --> 01:15:49,357 - Guys! - Hurry up! Hurry up! 1374 01:15:49,394 --> 01:15:50,861 It's not even funny. Hurry up, dude, hurry up. 1375 01:15:50,896 --> 01:15:52,693 You can make it, dude. 1376 01:15:52,731 --> 01:15:56,189 Oh, my God! Holy shit! 1377 01:15:57,102 --> 01:16:00,071 - Oh, my God! Oh, my God! - Jesus Christ! 1378 01:16:00,105 --> 01:16:02,300 - Neil's dead! Neil's dead! - No! 1379 01:16:02,974 --> 01:16:06,910 - Oh, my God! - Get the fuck out of here! Go! Go! 1380 01:16:09,214 --> 01:16:15,676 How do I say goodbye 1381 01:16:15,721 --> 01:16:17,450 It's the dawn of a new day. 1382 01:16:20,292 --> 01:16:22,385 And Neil Patrick Harris isn't around to see it, man. 1383 01:16:22,427 --> 01:16:23,416 Dude, I told you. 1384 01:16:23,462 --> 01:16:24,952 Will you please stop saying that? 1385 01:16:26,031 --> 01:16:27,521 God. 1386 01:16:27,566 --> 01:16:30,034 He's gone. 1387 01:16:30,702 --> 01:16:33,694 Maybe he's got some family contact info in here. 1388 01:16:33,739 --> 01:16:35,934 Dude, I know I'm not calling Neil's parents. 1389 01:16:36,775 --> 01:16:38,800 What's in the bag? 1390 01:16:38,844 --> 01:16:41,369 - Holy fuck. - Creepy mask. 1391 01:16:42,314 --> 01:16:44,908 A jar with hair in it. 1392 01:16:47,385 --> 01:16:50,445 And, like, 12 cans of Mace. 1393 01:16:53,125 --> 01:16:55,958 - Look, dude. - Holy shit. 1394 01:16:55,994 --> 01:16:58,360 Holy shit, we actually made it. 1395 01:17:05,170 --> 01:17:07,400 This is where Colton grew up, huh? 1396 01:17:07,439 --> 01:17:09,737 Smell that? That smells like douche. 1397 01:17:15,981 --> 01:17:18,916 No, you will remain in this car. 1398 01:17:18,950 --> 01:17:22,181 I will go inside alone and, if we're lucky, Colton will help us out. 1399 01:17:22,220 --> 01:17:26,122 - Why can't I just... - No. Let me put it another way. 1400 01:17:26,158 --> 01:17:29,889 You leave this car, and our friendship is over. 1401 01:17:29,928 --> 01:17:32,396 - But, Roldy, I just... - Kumar. 1402 01:17:32,430 --> 01:17:35,422 Open the door and I will cut your fucking balls off. 1403 01:17:35,467 --> 01:17:36,593 Jesus. OK. 1404 01:17:40,338 --> 01:17:42,329 - Balls. - Go. 1405 01:17:54,119 --> 01:17:56,644 Hi, I'm a friend of Colton's. 1406 01:17:56,688 --> 01:17:58,212 Thank you. 1407 01:18:41,399 --> 01:18:42,696 God damn it. 1408 01:18:42,734 --> 01:18:45,032 Vanessa? You OK? 1409 01:18:45,070 --> 01:18:48,403 - Kumar? What are you doing here? - Yeah, let me help you up. 1410 01:18:52,244 --> 01:18:54,041 I thought you were going to Amsterdam. 1411 01:18:54,079 --> 01:18:56,741 Yeah, me too. It didn't work out. 1412 01:18:57,749 --> 01:18:59,011 You all right? 1413 01:18:59,050 --> 01:19:01,610 - Now, does this hurt when I touch it? - Yeah. 1414 01:19:01,653 --> 01:19:03,245 - It does? - Yeah. 1415 01:19:03,288 --> 01:19:07,190 This is just what I need. A limp during the wedding. 1416 01:19:07,225 --> 01:19:09,420 Can you move it around in a circle? 1417 01:19:10,428 --> 01:19:13,625 OK, that's what I figured. It's just your ATFL. I don't think you tore it, though. 1418 01:19:13,665 --> 01:19:17,226 So a little ice and massage should do the trick. You'll be fine. 1419 01:19:17,269 --> 01:19:19,396 Are you gonna tell me why you're here? 1420 01:19:19,437 --> 01:19:25,409 Roldy and I ran into some trouble and we figured that maybe your Colton could help us out. 1421 01:19:25,443 --> 01:19:28,606 - Still getting into trouble, huh? - A little bit. 1422 01:19:28,647 --> 01:19:31,639 You remember that time that you broke into the animal lab... 1423 01:19:31,683 --> 01:19:34,709 and, like, stole that monkey and put it in Andy Rosenberg's dorm room? 1424 01:19:34,753 --> 01:19:36,448 OK, first of all, that was Goldstein's idea... 1425 01:19:36,488 --> 01:19:40,219 and second of all had I known that the monkey had AIDS, I never would have done that. 1426 01:19:40,258 --> 01:19:41,247 What about you? 1427 01:19:41,293 --> 01:19:44,729 You put those disgusting used tampons in Professor Konop's purse. 1428 01:19:44,763 --> 01:19:46,321 - Remember that? - Come on. 1429 01:19:46,364 --> 01:19:47,763 She was a bitch and you know it. 1430 01:19:51,603 --> 01:19:53,935 What's going on here? 1431 01:19:53,972 --> 01:19:56,964 Hey, she actually fell and broke her heel here. 1432 01:19:57,008 --> 01:20:01,240 Yeah, I twisted my ankle. Kumar was just looking at it. 1433 01:20:01,279 --> 01:20:03,338 - Why aren't you in the car, Kumar? - Dude, I heard her yell. 1434 01:20:03,381 --> 01:20:04,973 I thought I told you to stay in the car, man. 1435 01:20:05,650 --> 01:20:06,947 It's OK, man. 1436 01:20:06,985 --> 01:20:08,475 No worries. 1437 01:20:08,520 --> 01:20:11,114 Listen, Roldy filled me in on the situation. 1438 01:20:11,156 --> 01:20:13,920 But don't worry. I'll make sure my dad takes care of everything. 1439 01:20:15,093 --> 01:20:16,082 Thanks, man. 1440 01:20:16,127 --> 01:20:19,119 In the meantime, you are going to the doctor. 1441 01:20:19,164 --> 01:20:21,291 Ramon! 1442 01:20:21,333 --> 01:20:25,667 Ramon. Please bring Vanessa to Dr. Harris immediately. 1443 01:20:27,072 --> 01:20:30,132 Bye, Vanessa. Hope you feel better. 1444 01:20:31,309 --> 01:20:34,710 - Bye. - Bye. 1445 01:20:36,915 --> 01:20:38,883 Guys. 1446 01:20:38,917 --> 01:20:40,350 All right. 1447 01:20:42,153 --> 01:20:45,645 All right, guys. Jet's all fueled. You should be home in no time. 1448 01:20:45,690 --> 01:20:47,089 Sweet. 1449 01:20:53,431 --> 01:20:56,759 Hey, Colton, I can't believe you're doing this for us on the night before your wedding day. 1450 01:20:56,801 --> 01:21:00,430 - I really appreciate it. Thank you. - Please don't mention it. 1451 01:21:00,472 --> 01:21:03,339 Just want to make sure everything works out smoothly. 1452 01:21:03,375 --> 01:21:05,002 Are all these planes yours? 1453 01:21:05,043 --> 01:21:07,341 No. OK. 1454 01:21:07,379 --> 01:21:08,971 Rold, come on, of course they are. 1455 01:21:11,416 --> 01:21:12,508 This guy's funny. You're funny. 1456 01:21:12,550 --> 01:21:14,711 - Yeah? - Hey, Colton, man. 1457 01:21:15,420 --> 01:21:19,015 Listen, I was wrong about you, dude. You're not a douchebag. 1458 01:21:19,057 --> 01:21:20,217 Dude. 1459 01:21:20,258 --> 01:21:21,885 You know what I mean. I mean, you're a good dude. 1460 01:21:21,926 --> 01:21:24,087 And I'm happy for you and Vanessa. 1461 01:21:26,865 --> 01:21:28,662 That's big of you, Kumar. 1462 01:21:28,700 --> 01:21:30,565 - I really appreciate it. - Sure. 1463 01:21:30,602 --> 01:21:32,763 I just can't wait to get back, man. 1464 01:21:35,140 --> 01:21:37,438 You're going back all right. 1465 01:21:38,143 --> 01:21:40,338 This time you're not escaping. 1466 01:21:40,378 --> 01:21:42,039 Now! 1467 01:21:42,080 --> 01:21:43,547 Go! Move, move, move! 1468 01:21:49,621 --> 01:21:50,679 You are a douchebag... 1469 01:21:50,722 --> 01:21:53,088 - No. - you fucking douchebag, fuck you! 1470 01:21:53,124 --> 01:21:55,957 Yeah. The last thing I was letting you guys do is ruin my wedding. 1471 01:21:55,994 --> 01:21:58,724 - You did this? - Of course he did this. 1472 01:21:58,763 --> 01:22:01,197 I thought we were friends, man. How could you betray me like this? 1473 01:22:01,232 --> 01:22:03,223 Come on, Rold. You and me? 1474 01:22:03,268 --> 01:22:05,293 You let me cheat off you in Advanced Accounting. 1475 01:22:05,336 --> 01:22:07,031 Other than that, I could give a shit about you. 1476 01:22:07,072 --> 01:22:08,471 Take 'em away, guys. 1477 01:22:08,973 --> 01:22:11,407 When we get out of this I'm gonna fucking kick your fucking ass, man! 1478 01:22:11,443 --> 01:22:13,104 Boy, you're scaring me. 1479 01:22:13,144 --> 01:22:17,746 Well, come on, you're not one of those kung-fu Asians you're a fucking pussy banker, for Christ's sakes. 1480 01:22:17,782 --> 01:22:19,875 - Fuck you! Fuck you! - I'm gonna rip you up, bitch! 1481 01:22:19,918 --> 01:22:22,546 - You'd best watch your back, bitch! - Fuck you, dude! 1482 01:22:22,587 --> 01:22:24,782 - Fuck you! - Fuck you! 1483 01:22:25,723 --> 01:22:27,884 I'm awesome. 1484 01:22:32,897 --> 01:22:35,798 Looks like you boys picked the wrong side, huh? 1485 01:22:35,834 --> 01:22:38,268 Where's your Koran now? 1486 01:22:39,037 --> 01:22:44,136 We're not even Muslim, you moron and even if we were, that doesn't make us terrorists. 1487 01:22:44,375 --> 01:22:46,775 Hey! I'm talking to you. Get back here! 1488 01:22:46,811 --> 01:22:50,907 Metal under tension beggin' you to touch and go 1489 01:22:52,417 --> 01:22:54,817 Highway to 1490 01:22:56,187 --> 01:22:58,747 Man. I can't believe we're going back. 1491 01:22:58,790 --> 01:23:00,917 Now do you see why I hate Colton Graham? 1492 01:23:00,959 --> 01:23:03,587 Now do you see why I hate you? 1493 01:23:04,562 --> 01:23:07,053 I asked you specifically to stay in the car. 1494 01:23:07,098 --> 01:23:09,760 I told you our friendship was at stake. 1495 01:23:09,801 --> 01:23:11,325 Vanessa fell down. And I was helping her. 1496 01:23:11,369 --> 01:23:13,394 - I don't want to hear the excuses! - It's not an excuse! 1497 01:23:13,438 --> 01:23:14,666 I don't want to hear the excuses! 1498 01:23:14,706 --> 01:23:16,469 - I heard her yelling! - I don't want to hear it. 1499 01:23:22,881 --> 01:23:24,644 I'm sorry. 1500 01:23:25,483 --> 01:23:26,780 'Kay? 1501 01:23:27,852 --> 01:23:29,285 Look at this. Look at this. 1502 01:23:30,321 --> 01:23:32,448 I fucked up, OK? 1503 01:23:32,490 --> 01:23:36,256 I fucked up and I always fuck up. I am a fuck-up. 1504 01:23:36,294 --> 01:23:37,659 You think? 1505 01:23:38,663 --> 01:23:40,153 Harold... 1506 01:23:41,166 --> 01:23:42,463 you're my best friend, dude. 1507 01:23:43,835 --> 01:23:46,167 You mean the world to me, man. I love you. 1508 01:23:46,204 --> 01:23:47,193 Queers. 1509 01:23:47,238 --> 01:23:50,570 And I promise you, if we figure out a way to get out of this, I'm gonna change, OK? 1510 01:23:50,608 --> 01:23:52,542 It's not just gonna be about Kumar all the time. 1511 01:23:52,577 --> 01:23:55,375 It'll be about Kumar and Harold. 1512 01:23:58,183 --> 01:23:59,775 Harold and Kumar. 1513 01:24:01,553 --> 01:24:02,850 I kind of like the first way better. 1514 01:24:02,887 --> 01:24:05,253 OK, OK. Harold and Kumar. 1515 01:24:05,290 --> 01:24:06,814 Harold and Kumar. 1516 01:24:10,094 --> 01:24:12,654 The hotter the intensity 1517 01:24:13,965 --> 01:24:15,694 It's not all your fault. 1518 01:24:16,701 --> 01:24:19,693 Yeah, it is. I brought weed on the plane. 1519 01:24:19,737 --> 01:24:22,865 - You got weed? - No. The other plane. 1520 01:24:25,710 --> 01:24:29,908 No, I wish Neil Patrick Harris were still alive, that guy fucking loves him. 1521 01:24:29,948 --> 01:24:32,712 He totally would have been able to bail us out. 1522 01:24:34,052 --> 01:24:35,451 You just gave me an idea, man. 1523 01:24:36,688 --> 01:24:38,087 - What? - I got this. 1524 01:24:40,024 --> 01:24:41,821 Hey, Burl... 1525 01:24:41,859 --> 01:24:44,885 - I actually still have some weed. - You do? 1526 01:24:44,929 --> 01:24:47,557 - Seriously? - Yeah. It's in my pants. 1527 01:24:47,599 --> 01:24:49,624 - Hold up. - You want to smoke now? 1528 01:24:49,667 --> 01:24:50,827 Just let me... 1529 01:24:50,868 --> 01:24:53,125 - Harold, this is definitely not the time to smoke. - get it. 1530 01:24:56,341 --> 01:25:01,210 Highway to the danger zone 1531 01:25:01,946 --> 01:25:06,406 Gonna take you right into the danger zone 1532 01:25:09,020 --> 01:25:14,549 Highway to the danger zone 1533 01:25:16,327 --> 01:25:18,158 Dude, you took Neil's Mace? 1534 01:25:18,196 --> 01:25:20,562 Been through a lot of shit, figured we might need it. 1535 01:25:20,598 --> 01:25:21,587 Well, good call. 1536 01:25:25,637 --> 01:25:28,071 Derek, can I get another water? 1537 01:25:28,106 --> 01:25:30,233 What the fuck? 1538 01:25:32,143 --> 01:25:34,043 - Keep your hands up. - Please don't shoot us. 1539 01:25:34,078 --> 01:25:36,308 - Jesus Christ. OK, OK. - Please don't shoot. 1540 01:25:36,347 --> 01:25:40,443 It will be a cold day in hell before I let you hijack this plane. 1541 01:25:44,355 --> 01:25:46,323 Beecher, what are you doing? 1542 01:25:46,357 --> 01:25:48,951 Whose side are you on? I thought I told you to stay in the cockpit! 1543 01:25:48,993 --> 01:25:51,791 Enough, Fox! I've had enough of your crap! 1544 01:25:51,829 --> 01:25:56,834 You think that just because I'm smart you can treat me like some dork in gym class? 1545 01:25:56,868 --> 01:26:00,668 It's obvious these kids are innocent. But you're too dumb to realize that. 1546 01:26:00,705 --> 01:26:03,469 You know, it's people like you... 1547 01:26:03,508 --> 01:26:05,772 who make the world think that Americans are stupid! 1548 01:26:05,810 --> 01:26:10,338 Well, we're not stupid! And we're not gonna take this shit anymore! 1549 01:26:12,483 --> 01:26:14,508 It's OK, guys. 1550 01:26:14,552 --> 01:26:15,951 It's all over now. 1551 01:26:16,754 --> 01:26:18,847 Everything's gonna be all right. 1552 01:26:23,661 --> 01:26:24,923 Jesus! 1553 01:26:29,901 --> 01:26:31,300 Fuck! 1554 01:26:32,370 --> 01:26:34,304 I don't wanna die! 1555 01:26:34,339 --> 01:26:35,533 Kumar! 1556 01:26:35,573 --> 01:26:38,201 - What? - I have the parachute! 1557 01:26:38,242 --> 01:26:39,573 Come over here. 1558 01:26:39,610 --> 01:26:42,340 How the fuck am I supposed to do that? 1559 01:26:42,380 --> 01:26:43,870 Swim! 1560 01:26:51,289 --> 01:26:52,756 Holy shit. 1561 01:26:52,790 --> 01:26:54,883 It's fucking working! 1562 01:26:59,564 --> 01:27:01,532 Yeah! 1563 01:27:02,867 --> 01:27:04,732 I love you, dude. 1564 01:27:08,806 --> 01:27:10,569 Shit! 1565 01:27:12,243 --> 01:27:14,677 Don't worry about him. I have an idea. 1566 01:27:14,712 --> 01:27:17,010 - What? - Hang on. 1567 01:27:22,553 --> 01:27:24,521 Fuck you! 1568 01:27:28,459 --> 01:27:31,257 Man, that was so fuckin' extreme. 1569 01:27:32,663 --> 01:27:34,858 It was. 1570 01:27:37,301 --> 01:27:38,996 - Kumar? - Yeah. 1571 01:27:41,406 --> 01:27:43,203 Our dicks are touching, aren't they? 1572 01:27:44,709 --> 01:27:46,870 Yeah, I guess they are. 1573 01:27:46,911 --> 01:27:49,209 - Yeah. - OK, I was just checking. 1574 01:27:50,348 --> 01:27:54,284 Roldy, can you move us out of the way? There's a house coming up down here. 1575 01:27:55,420 --> 01:27:58,116 I have no idea what I'm doing. 1576 01:28:05,430 --> 01:28:06,590 Dude! 1577 01:28:09,367 --> 01:28:13,201 The glass hurt my dick. The glass hurt my dick. 1578 01:28:15,273 --> 01:28:17,241 I think I'm OK. Yeah. 1579 01:28:18,309 --> 01:28:20,641 - Dude. Dude. - Oh, my God. 1580 01:28:20,678 --> 01:28:23,442 - No, shit, dude. You all right? - Fuck! I think so! 1581 01:28:23,481 --> 01:28:25,745 We gotta get out of here before the people who live here find us. 1582 01:28:25,783 --> 01:28:27,410 I know. They're gonna be... 1583 01:28:29,020 --> 01:28:31,113 Dude? Dude? 1584 01:28:31,155 --> 01:28:32,486 What's up? 1585 01:28:37,528 --> 01:28:39,655 - No. - Holy shit! 1586 01:28:39,697 --> 01:28:42,632 What the hell are y'all doing in my office? 1587 01:28:43,868 --> 01:28:46,393 You'd better start giving me some answers! 1588 01:28:46,437 --> 01:28:48,564 George? We're gonna be late for that wedding. 1589 01:28:48,606 --> 01:28:51,973 Shit. It's Cheney. Come on, you guys. Keep quiet. Follow me. 1590 01:28:52,009 --> 01:28:55,342 That guy scares the crap out of me. Let's go hide in the guesthouse. 1591 01:28:55,379 --> 01:28:58,143 - Come the fuck on. - I'm coming. 1592 01:29:15,466 --> 01:29:17,366 Yeah 1593 01:29:18,536 --> 01:29:21,596 - This is a cool room. - Yeah. 1594 01:29:21,639 --> 01:29:25,370 Yeah, this is where I come to escape from work. 1595 01:29:25,409 --> 01:29:28,071 - Here? - Yes, sir. 1596 01:29:29,547 --> 01:29:32,641 - So who the heck are you guys? - All right. 1597 01:29:32,683 --> 01:29:36,010 My name is Harold Lee, sir and this is Kumar Patel. 1598 01:29:37,822 --> 01:29:42,020 Anyway, we were on a parachute and we sort of landed on your ranch. 1599 01:29:42,059 --> 01:29:43,720 Dude, this is weed. 1600 01:29:44,629 --> 01:29:46,290 That's Alabama Kush. 1601 01:29:46,330 --> 01:29:47,592 That's only the finest. 1602 01:29:47,632 --> 01:29:50,328 So you get high and then you put other people who smoke weed in jail? 1603 01:29:51,569 --> 01:29:52,866 - That's so hypocritical. - Dude, look... 1604 01:29:52,904 --> 01:29:55,771 Yeah? Well, let me ask you something, Kumar. 1605 01:29:55,806 --> 01:29:58,366 - You like giving hand jobs? - No, sir. 1606 01:29:58,409 --> 01:30:01,105 - You like getting hand jobs? - Yeah. 1607 01:30:01,145 --> 01:30:04,239 All right. Well, that makes you a fucking hypocriticizer too. 1608 01:30:04,282 --> 01:30:07,615 So shut the fuck up and smoke my weed. 1609 01:30:24,669 --> 01:30:25,658 Hey, love. 1610 01:30:25,703 --> 01:30:30,140 What are you doing here? It's bad luck. The ceremony starts in a hour. 1611 01:30:30,174 --> 01:30:31,971 I just want to let you know... 1612 01:30:32,009 --> 01:30:35,134 I had catering get an extra case of Coors Light in case the President comes. 1613 01:30:35,179 --> 01:30:36,510 It's his favorite beer. 1614 01:30:36,547 --> 01:30:39,482 - Do you think that'll be enough? - I don't know. Yes? 1615 01:30:39,517 --> 01:30:41,246 Who cares? 1616 01:30:42,219 --> 01:30:46,280 Look, were you able to work everything out with Kumar and Harold? 1617 01:30:46,324 --> 01:30:49,657 Don't worry, Chestnut. I took complete care of 'em. 1618 01:30:57,935 --> 01:31:00,597 They thought you guys were terrorizers. 1619 01:31:01,172 --> 01:31:04,869 Wait. That's not funny, man. They sent us to Guantanamo Bay. 1620 01:31:04,909 --> 01:31:07,639 Fuck! G. Bay? 1621 01:31:08,346 --> 01:31:10,405 Tell me you didn't eat that cockmeat sandwich. 1622 01:31:11,649 --> 01:31:15,881 No. No, we did not eat the cockmeat sandwich. We escaped, thank God. 1623 01:31:15,920 --> 01:31:19,321 That cockmeat sandwich. That's my favorite. 1624 01:31:19,357 --> 01:31:20,551 Oh, my God. 1625 01:31:22,126 --> 01:31:24,788 - This is good shit. - I know. I know. 1626 01:31:24,829 --> 01:31:26,797 - I laced it with blow. - Fuck. 1627 01:31:26,831 --> 01:31:29,629 So it knocks you out, and it keeps you going at the same time. 1628 01:31:31,168 --> 01:31:34,467 If you like weed so much, why don't you just legalize it? 1629 01:31:34,505 --> 01:31:36,666 Are you fucking kidding me? 1630 01:31:36,707 --> 01:31:39,733 You know how pissed off my dad would get if I did that? 1631 01:31:39,777 --> 01:31:42,041 Holy shit, dude. 1632 01:31:42,079 --> 01:31:44,377 My dad's all up in my shit too, about this whole... 1633 01:31:44,415 --> 01:31:45,404 - med school thing, right? - I know. 1634 01:31:45,449 --> 01:31:47,713 And it's not that I don't want to be a doctor, but like... 1635 01:31:48,185 --> 01:31:51,313 fucking... sometimes I wonder if he's just encouraging me... 1636 01:31:51,355 --> 01:31:56,849 because he knows it'll make me happy or because he wants me to carry on his legacy, you know? 1637 01:31:57,928 --> 01:31:59,987 You just blew my fuckin' mind. 1638 01:32:11,142 --> 01:32:13,736 - Hi. - Hi. You look good. 1639 01:32:13,778 --> 01:32:15,769 Daddy. 1640 01:32:15,813 --> 01:32:17,440 Yeah, it's W. 1641 01:32:19,316 --> 01:32:21,750 I don't need your friends to tell me what to do anymore. 1642 01:32:23,421 --> 01:32:26,083 - No, I'm not being disrespectful. - That's what I say. 1643 01:32:26,123 --> 01:32:29,058 I'm just saying that I can handle my own shit, all right? 1644 01:32:29,093 --> 01:32:32,028 I mean, I don't need them to tell me how to do what I have to do. 1645 01:32:32,063 --> 01:32:33,928 Yeah, dude! 1646 01:32:33,964 --> 01:32:36,762 Yeah, well you know what? Yeah, well, fuck you, Dad. 1647 01:32:36,801 --> 01:32:38,894 Fuck you! 1648 01:32:41,639 --> 01:32:43,937 - Dude, that was awesome. - You guys are awesome. 1649 01:32:43,974 --> 01:32:44,963 - No. No. - You're awesome! 1650 01:32:45,009 --> 01:32:47,637 - You are awesomer. - Sir, you are awesome. 1651 01:32:47,678 --> 01:32:49,145 Seriously. 1652 01:32:49,180 --> 01:32:51,978 Listen, about our situation... 1653 01:32:52,016 --> 01:32:56,544 Fuck that. Listen, guys, guys, guys. I am the fucking President, all right? 1654 01:32:56,587 --> 01:32:59,317 That means I get to pardon whoever I want. You guys are in the fuckin' clear. 1655 01:32:59,356 --> 01:33:00,414 Don't worry. 1656 01:33:00,458 --> 01:33:04,588 - Holy shit. Are you serious? Thank you. - Oh, my God. Thank you, Mr. President. 1657 01:33:04,628 --> 01:33:05,652 Yeah. 1658 01:33:05,696 --> 01:33:08,961 - Thank you. Thank you. - Don't mention it. 1659 01:33:09,600 --> 01:33:17,797 But, listen, to be honest, after all the shit that we've been through I don't know if we can trust our government anymore. 1660 01:33:17,842 --> 01:33:19,901 - Trust the government? - Yeah. 1661 01:33:19,944 --> 01:33:22,845 Heck. I'm in the government and I don't even trust it. 1662 01:33:22,880 --> 01:33:27,283 You don't have to believe in your government to be a good American. 1663 01:33:31,388 --> 01:33:33,652 You just have to believe in your country. 1664 01:33:34,425 --> 01:33:35,915 Exactly. 1665 01:33:35,960 --> 01:33:38,292 - Exactly. - Right. 1666 01:33:38,329 --> 01:33:39,990 This is good shit, isn't it? 1667 01:33:41,665 --> 01:33:43,360 Yeah, it is. 1668 01:33:43,400 --> 01:33:46,927 If you guys need anything else, just let me know, all right? 1669 01:33:46,971 --> 01:33:50,429 Actually, Mr. President, there is one thing. 1670 01:33:52,476 --> 01:33:55,001 - This really came out great. - Yeah, it did, man. 1671 01:33:55,045 --> 01:33:56,774 I lit a lot of these candles. 1672 01:34:10,227 --> 01:34:11,785 Great. 1673 01:34:14,098 --> 01:34:16,328 - All clear. - Safe to proceed. 1674 01:34:17,701 --> 01:34:19,566 He's here! I knew he'd come. 1675 01:34:23,941 --> 01:34:25,374 All right, let 'em in. 1676 01:34:29,747 --> 01:34:31,408 - What is happen... - Who is that? 1677 01:34:31,448 --> 01:34:34,076 - Harold? - Kumar? 1678 01:34:34,118 --> 01:34:38,350 Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize for interrupting this beautiful ceremony. 1679 01:34:38,389 --> 01:34:43,085 But there is no way in hell that I'm letting the only woman I've ever loved marry that piece of shit. 1680 01:34:44,862 --> 01:34:47,296 Security, get them out of here, please. 1681 01:34:47,331 --> 01:34:50,858 These guys? No, see, they're with us. Yeah. 1682 01:34:50,901 --> 01:34:53,893 Looks like I got a little more pull with the President than you, bitch. 1683 01:34:56,974 --> 01:35:00,068 - What the hell is going on? - I'll tell you what's going on. 1684 01:35:00,110 --> 01:35:02,704 Your fiance promised to get us out of trouble. 1685 01:35:02,746 --> 01:35:06,546 But instead he arranged for us to be sent back to Guantanamo Bay... 1686 01:35:06,584 --> 01:35:10,020 where we'd be forced to suck Big Bob's fat dick. 1687 01:35:13,224 --> 01:35:15,351 - Is this true? - Yeah, it's true. 1688 01:35:15,392 --> 01:35:17,121 I'll take care of this myself. 1689 01:35:19,597 --> 01:35:20,689 - OK, wait. - No... 1690 01:35:23,100 --> 01:35:24,567 You son of a bitch. 1691 01:35:26,403 --> 01:35:27,927 I loved you, man. 1692 01:35:32,009 --> 01:35:34,569 - I can't believe this. - Vanessa, let me explain... 1693 01:35:34,612 --> 01:35:36,512 Explain? 1694 01:35:36,547 --> 01:35:40,314 Explain why you're putting me through the most embarrassing moment of my life? 1695 01:35:41,819 --> 01:35:46,916 Well, what if I did something embarrassing to myself? 1696 01:35:46,957 --> 01:35:47,981 Would that make you feel better? 1697 01:35:48,025 --> 01:35:50,755 There's nothing you can do that would be this embarrassing. 1698 01:35:55,299 --> 01:35:59,702 I fear that I will always be A lonely number like root three 1699 01:36:03,040 --> 01:36:05,531 A three is all that's good and right 1700 01:36:05,576 --> 01:36:09,945 Why must my three keep out of sight Beneath a vicious square-root sign? 1701 01:36:09,980 --> 01:36:11,675 I wish instead I were a nine 1702 01:36:11,715 --> 01:36:15,446 For nine could thwart this evil trick With just some quick arithmetic 1703 01:36:16,687 --> 01:36:18,177 I know I'll never see the sun 1704 01:36:18,222 --> 01:36:20,122 As 1.7321 1705 01:36:20,157 --> 01:36:22,352 You fucking tool. 1706 01:36:22,393 --> 01:36:24,623 Quiet, anus. 1707 01:36:27,197 --> 01:36:31,190 Such is my reality A sad irrationality 1708 01:36:31,235 --> 01:36:33,795 When, hark, just what is this I see? 1709 01:36:34,638 --> 01:36:36,629 Another square root of a three 1710 01:36:36,674 --> 01:36:39,268 Has quietly come waltzing by 1711 01:36:39,310 --> 01:36:41,039 Together now we multiply 1712 01:36:41,078 --> 01:36:43,603 To form a number we prefer 1713 01:36:43,647 --> 01:36:45,638 Rejoicing as an integer 1714 01:36:47,051 --> 01:36:48,985 We break free from our mortal bonds 1715 01:36:49,019 --> 01:36:50,884 And with a wave of magic wands 1716 01:36:50,921 --> 01:36:53,321 Our square-root signs become unglued 1717 01:36:53,357 --> 01:36:55,621 And love for me has been renewed 1718 01:37:04,735 --> 01:37:06,532 You were right. 1719 01:37:06,570 --> 01:37:09,368 - That was pretty lame. - Told you. 1720 01:37:10,741 --> 01:37:15,508 Look, I can't promise you the kind of lifestyle that Colton could. 1721 01:37:15,546 --> 01:37:18,344 And I can't promise you that I'm gonna mature overnight. 1722 01:37:18,382 --> 01:37:20,816 But what I can promise you is that... 1723 01:37:27,191 --> 01:37:30,790 Sorry, I smoked weed with the President. I totally forgot what I was going to say. 1724 01:37:33,297 --> 01:37:35,925 I can promise you that I will always love you. 1725 01:37:35,966 --> 01:37:38,901 And I'll never try and make you into something that you're not. 1726 01:37:40,237 --> 01:37:44,503 So, what do you say you take a brother back? 1727 01:37:50,247 --> 01:37:53,373 Only if you promise to get me out of this awkward situation as soon as possible. 1728 01:37:54,418 --> 01:37:55,510 Come here. 1729 01:37:58,956 --> 01:38:00,548 Yeah! 1730 01:38:04,995 --> 01:38:07,088 That's my boy! 1731 01:38:07,131 --> 01:38:08,359 Ku! 1732 01:38:14,671 --> 01:38:16,536 Come on. Let's get the hell back to Jersey. 1733 01:38:16,573 --> 01:38:20,009 All right, hold on. First we gotta do something for my buddy here. 1734 01:38:20,044 --> 01:38:21,944 - Got to go somewhere. - Where? 1735 01:38:23,380 --> 01:38:27,214 Ooh, baby, do you know what that's worth? 1736 01:38:27,251 --> 01:38:30,914 Ooh, heaven is a place on earth 1737 01:38:30,954 --> 01:38:35,118 They say in heaven love comes first 1738 01:38:35,159 --> 01:38:38,959 We'll make heaven a place on earth 1739 01:38:38,996 --> 01:38:43,126 Ooh, heaven is a place on earth 1740 01:38:54,111 --> 01:38:55,738 - Hey. - Hey. 1741 01:38:57,381 --> 01:38:59,281 - No luck, huh? - No. 1742 01:39:01,151 --> 01:39:03,984 Called every hotel in the city. I walked all around. 1743 01:39:04,688 --> 01:39:06,087 I just can't find her anywhere. 1744 01:39:06,123 --> 01:39:07,590 - We'll find her. - We'll find her, dude. 1745 01:39:12,763 --> 01:39:14,424 What? 1746 01:39:14,465 --> 01:39:16,592 Oh, my God, there she is. 1747 01:39:21,271 --> 01:39:23,637 - Roldy, she's hot. - Dude, go get her! 1748 01:39:29,346 --> 01:39:32,406 Jesus, I'm sorry, man. 1749 01:39:32,449 --> 01:39:33,814 - So fuck it. Forget about that. - Yeah. 1750 01:39:33,851 --> 01:39:35,375 It's probably just some Amsterdam fling, all right? 1751 01:39:35,419 --> 01:39:36,477 We'll go back to the Jerz... 1752 01:39:36,520 --> 01:39:38,317 - in a couple of days, all right? - No. 1753 01:39:39,590 --> 01:39:42,058 No, fuck it. 1754 01:39:42,092 --> 01:39:43,389 I came way too far. 1755 01:39:43,427 --> 01:39:45,019 We went through too much shit to... 1756 01:39:45,062 --> 01:39:46,495 I'm gonna talk to her. 1757 01:39:46,530 --> 01:39:47,622 No, no, no, dude, don't go in there. 1758 01:39:47,664 --> 01:39:48,790 - Come on. - Just wait. 1759 01:39:48,832 --> 01:39:50,629 Come on, man. Wait till we get back to Jersey. 1760 01:39:52,236 --> 01:39:53,362 What the fuck are you doing? 1761 01:39:53,403 --> 01:39:55,894 - C'est quoi ton putain de probleme, toi? - Harold! 1762 01:39:55,939 --> 01:39:57,804 I didn't understand what you said. 1763 01:39:57,841 --> 01:40:00,537 - What the fuck are you doing? - What the fuck are you doing, man? 1764 01:40:00,577 --> 01:40:03,205 - You're ruining my shot. - You what? 1765 01:40:03,247 --> 01:40:05,306 Get off my set! 1766 01:40:05,349 --> 01:40:07,249 I'm so confused. What's... 1767 01:40:07,284 --> 01:40:09,650 - What's going on? - Harold, I'm doing a photo shoot. 1768 01:40:10,587 --> 01:40:12,179 For High Times magazine. 1769 01:40:13,290 --> 01:40:16,987 Of course, you're a model. You're very hot. You're a model. 1770 01:40:17,027 --> 01:40:19,222 Right. I always wondered what you did for a living. 1771 01:40:19,263 --> 01:40:22,164 I'm sorry. So, wait a second. So you're not with this dude? 1772 01:40:22,199 --> 01:40:23,962 Are you kidding? Me? 1773 01:40:24,001 --> 01:40:26,333 - Yeah. - No. 1774 01:40:26,370 --> 01:40:28,736 Anton is like totally gay. 1775 01:40:34,611 --> 01:40:36,738 Harold, what are you doing here? 1776 01:40:37,881 --> 01:40:42,175 I didn't want to wait ten days to see you so I thought I would come and surprise you. 1777 01:40:43,787 --> 01:40:45,914 That is so sweet. 1778 01:40:45,956 --> 01:40:47,890 OK. It's sweet. 1779 01:40:47,925 --> 01:40:50,860 I've been thinking about you this whole time. 1780 01:40:50,894 --> 01:40:52,384 - You have? - I have. 1781 01:40:52,429 --> 01:40:55,921 - I missed you so much. - I missed you. 1782 01:41:09,813 --> 01:41:11,440 Fuck yeah, dude. 1783 01:41:11,481 --> 01:41:13,779 Bang bang, Roldy. 1784 01:41:15,152 --> 01:41:17,279 Hello, Maria. My name is Kumar. 1785 01:41:17,321 --> 01:41:19,255 - I've heard so much about you. - Hi. 1786 01:41:19,289 --> 01:41:20,551 This is Vanessa. Vanessa, Maria. 1787 01:41:20,591 --> 01:41:22,286 - Hey. - Hey. How you doing? 1788 01:41:22,326 --> 01:41:27,860 Ladies and Roldy, how would you like to get really fucking high since we're in Amsterdam? 1789 01:41:27,898 --> 01:41:29,092 - Yeah. - Shall we? 1790 01:41:29,132 --> 01:41:32,124 - Sounds like a plan. - Let's do it. 1791 01:41:32,169 --> 01:41:35,332 So in the beginning there was hum from a poet 1792 01:41:35,372 --> 01:41:37,567 Whose pulse felt drum, drum, drum 1793 01:41:37,608 --> 01:41:39,041 He would perform praise and all 1794 01:41:39,076 --> 01:41:41,909 Till one day he heard a voice call come, come, come 1795 01:41:41,945 --> 01:41:44,243 Suspicious, he moved, it was his cost 1796 01:41:44,281 --> 01:41:46,875 His missus he thinks is a little lost 1797 01:41:46,917 --> 01:41:50,580 People get held back by the voice inside 'em 1798 01:41:50,621 --> 01:41:53,613 Yeah, the voice said the voices speak inside you 1799 01:41:53,657 --> 01:41:59,960 Rejoice and please let me invite you to evil, greed and lies too 1800 01:41:59,997 --> 01:42:02,090 Yeah, confusing days, he moved aways 1801 01:42:02,132 --> 01:42:04,657 He soon became Boom boom boom 1802 01:42:04,701 --> 01:42:07,226 A knock on his door, his heart is no more 1803 01:42:07,271 --> 01:42:10,138 A knock on his door, his soul is no more 1804 01:42:12,409 --> 01:42:14,104 Yeah 1805 01:42:16,713 --> 01:42:18,476 That was in the beginning 1806 01:42:18,515 --> 01:42:20,745 The cops beat him when all he wants is his freedom 1807 01:42:20,784 --> 01:42:23,116 So they defeat him, whatever spirit he's got, beat him 1808 01:42:23,153 --> 01:42:25,178 And they teach him the rest of the world don't need him 1809 01:42:25,222 --> 01:42:27,816 And he believes the disease that he's heathen 1810 01:42:27,858 --> 01:42:29,985 Put up your fists if all you want is freedom 1811 01:42:30,027 --> 01:42:32,052 Put up your fists if all you want is 1812 01:42:37,668 --> 01:42:39,465 That was in the beginning 1813 01:42:42,673 --> 01:42:44,470 And things change 1814 01:42:48,612 --> 01:42:50,273 Yeah, yeah, yeah 1815 01:42:50,314 --> 01:42:54,307 We keep holding on and we keep being strong 1816 01:42:54,351 --> 01:42:58,685 And we keep going on, and on and on and on 1817 01:42:58,722 --> 01:43:03,250 And we keep holding on and we keep being strong 1818 01:43:03,293 --> 01:43:07,923 And we keep going on and on and on and on 1819 01:43:07,964 --> 01:43:12,424 And we keep holding on and we keep being strong 1820 01:43:12,469 --> 01:43:17,031 And we keep going on and on and on and on 1821 01:43:17,074 --> 01:43:21,443 And we keep holding on and we keep being strong 1822 01:43:21,478 --> 01:43:25,972 And we keep going on and on and on and on 1823 01:43:27,417 --> 01:43:30,284 Brothers and sisters Yeah 1824 01:43:30,320 --> 01:43:33,483 We're gonna have church tonight Yeah, yeah! 1825 01:43:33,523 --> 01:43:37,482 And tonight this speaker is Reverend Rufus Johnson 1826 01:43:37,527 --> 01:43:41,224 I wake up praising God every day 1827 01:43:41,264 --> 01:43:46,201 I wanna smoke some weed and roll me a J 1828 01:43:46,236 --> 01:43:48,796 Thank you, Jesus Thank you, Jesus 1829 01:43:48,839 --> 01:43:52,570 Thank you, Lord Thank you, Lord 1830 01:43:52,609 --> 01:43:57,410 For lettin' me live another day, hey, hey 1831 01:43:57,447 --> 01:43:59,711 Nigger, I'm high, nigger, you high Uh-huh ś 1832 01:43:59,750 --> 01:44:02,514 Let's get higher than the motherfucking sky 1833 01:44:02,552 --> 01:44:04,816 Watch the butterflies hit the wall 1834 01:44:04,855 --> 01:44:07,517 And if you're feeling down give your boy a call 1835 01:44:07,557 --> 01:44:12,460 Weed, it takes the stress away, that's why Bizarre smokes ten blunts a day 1836 01:44:12,496 --> 01:44:15,226 It's nothing but the sticky, icky, green stuff 1837 01:44:15,265 --> 01:44:17,631 Light it, pass it and take a puff 1838 01:44:17,667 --> 01:44:20,101 Having a bad day, stop by my house 1839 01:44:20,137 --> 01:44:22,662 'Cause most likely I got a blunt in my mouth 1840 01:44:22,706 --> 01:44:24,731 So sit down, relax and chill 1841 01:44:24,775 --> 01:44:27,835 And if you don't smoke weed then, shit, I got some pills 1842 01:44:27,878 --> 01:44:30,369 What you need, girl, a fucking refill? 1843 01:44:30,414 --> 01:44:33,042 A fat bag of weed and some Happy Meals? 1844 01:44:33,083 --> 01:44:38,612 Nah baby, I don`t smoke Newports, only fat bags of weed in this Escort 1845 01:44:38,655 --> 01:44:42,455 I wake up praising God every day 1846 01:44:42,492 --> 01:44:47,327 I wanna smoke some weed and roll me a J 1847 01:44:47,364 --> 01:44:49,992 Thank you, Jesus Thank you, Jesus 1848 01:44:50,033 --> 01:44:53,730 Thank you, Lord Thank you, Lord 1849 01:44:53,770 --> 01:44:58,571 For lettin' me live another day, hey, hey 1850 01:44:58,608 --> 01:45:03,636 Sunday morning, Bizarre have faith Blunt in my mouth, watching TJ drink 1851 01:45:03,680 --> 01:45:06,080 Dangerous mind, just like Coolio 1852 01:45:06,116 --> 01:45:08,744 Only church I know is Snoop Dogg's studio 1853 01:45:08,785 --> 01:45:11,253 Write out some raps, throw it in my lap 1854 01:45:11,288 --> 01:45:13,756 Grab the Hennessy, get the acid tab 1855 01:45:13,790 --> 01:45:16,418 I'm glad that I didn't move down South 1856 01:45:16,460 --> 01:45:18,951 Take care of my kids, be the man of the house 1857 01:45:18,995 --> 01:45:23,796 Orange mushrooms and yellow stars Fat bags of beetles in Mason jars 1858 01:45:23,834 --> 01:45:26,132 Get in the lap, come on, jump in 1859 01:45:26,169 --> 01:45:29,070 Bring a bottle of gin, and two of your freaky friends 1860 01:45:29,105 --> 01:45:31,573 Fuck it! Let's go to see the point 1861 01:45:31,608 --> 01:45:34,099 Bring your son along, shit, he can hit the joint 1862 01:45:34,144 --> 01:45:36,840 'Cause rapping is a full-time job 1863 01:45:36,880 --> 01:45:39,713 All I want is smoke weed and praise God, yeah 1864 01:45:39,749 --> 01:45:43,515 I wake up praising God every day 1865 01:45:43,553 --> 01:45:48,490 I wanna smoke some weed and roll me a J 1866 01:45:48,525 --> 01:45:51,323 Thank you, Jesus Thank you, Jesus 1867 01:45:51,361 --> 01:45:54,922 Thank you, Lord Thank you, Lord 1868 01:45:54,965 --> 01:45:59,732 For lettin' me live another day, hey, hey 1869 01:45:59,769 --> 01:46:01,862 Break it down, yeah 1870 01:46:01,905 --> 01:46:04,032 We gonna slow it down right here 1871 01:46:04,074 --> 01:46:09,569 We havin' church up in here tonight It's the Reverend Rufus Johnson 1872 01:46:09,613 --> 01:46:14,915 And we sittin' over here at sixteen five-o, cone it 1873 01:46:16,019 --> 01:46:20,422 And ladies and gentlemen, come in, praise God with us 1874 01:46:20,457 --> 01:46:24,325 I wake up praising God every day 1875 01:46:24,361 --> 01:46:29,298 I wanna smoke some weed and roll me a J 1876 01:46:29,332 --> 01:46:32,130 Thank you, Jesus Thank you, Jesus 1877 01:46:32,168 --> 01:46:34,693 Thank you, Lord Thank you, Lord 1878 01:46:34,738 --> 01:46:37,229 Thank you, Jesus Thank you, Jesus 1879 01:46:37,274 --> 01:46:40,801 Thank you, Lord Thank you, Lord 1880 01:46:40,844 --> 01:46:45,975 For lettin' me live another day, hey, hey 1881 01:46:46,016 --> 01:46:47,779 Sunday morning I wake up praising 1882 01:46:47,817 --> 01:46:49,375 Baptist God every day 1883 01:46:49,419 --> 01:46:51,444 Catholic, Jehovah Witness I wanna smoke some weed 1884 01:46:51,488 --> 01:46:53,251 Tabernacle, yeah And 1885 01:46:53,290 --> 01:46:54,951 Roll me a J Come praise God 1886 01:46:54,991 --> 01:46:56,390 Thank you, Jesus 1887 01:46:56,426 --> 01:46:57,586 Thank you, Jesus Yeah 1888 01:46:57,627 --> 01:46:58,889 Thank you, Lord Services 1889 01:46:58,929 --> 01:47:00,829 Thank you, Lord Sunday 1890 01:47:00,864 --> 01:47:02,661 For letting me At 4:20 1891 01:47:02,699 --> 01:47:07,159 Live another day Brothers and sisters, Sunday at 4:20 1892 01:47:07,203 --> 01:47:09,694 Come on, praise God 1893 01:47:10,707 --> 01:47:13,175 Just 'cause you smoke weed don't mean you're a sinner 1894 01:47:13,209 --> 01:47:15,109 What? Just 'cause you smoke weed 1895 01:47:15,145 --> 01:47:16,669 It don't mean you don't believe in God 1896 01:47:18,014 --> 01:47:21,006 Jesus will take care of you 1897 01:47:21,051 --> 01:47:22,541 Jesus 1898 01:47:22,586 --> 01:47:24,781 You need Jesus 1899 01:47:39,102 --> 01:47:41,036 Motherfucker!147931

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