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1
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I see trees of green
2
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Red roses too
3
00:00:47,530 --> 00:00:50,829
I see them bloom
4
00:00:50,867 --> 00:00:53,233
For me and you
5
00:00:53,269 --> 00:00:58,502
And I think to myself
6
00:00:58,541 --> 00:01:02,307
What a wonderful world
7
00:01:06,482 --> 00:01:10,748
I see skies of blue
8
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And clouds of white
9
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The bright blessed day
10
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The dark sacred night
11
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And I think to myself
12
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What a wonderful world
13
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Yes
14
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I think to myself
15
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What a wonderful
16
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Yes, dude!
17
00:01:46,923 --> 00:01:49,619
What the fuck? What the fuck?
What are you doing?
18
00:01:49,659 --> 00:01:52,492
I'm taking the most incredible dump of all time, man.
19
00:01:52,528 --> 00:01:54,155
You couldn't wait till I got out of the shower?
20
00:01:54,197 --> 00:02:00,399
May I remind you that we both just ate 30
burgers and four large orders of fries?
21
00:02:02,238 --> 00:02:04,672
Don't worry, in a little bit, I'm sure it'll hit you too.
22
00:02:04,707 --> 00:02:07,938
It may be. But I'm gonna wait till you get out of the shower.
23
00:02:07,977 --> 00:02:11,037
Well, don't wait too long. We've got
to leave for the airport in an hour.
24
00:02:11,080 --> 00:02:12,069
Ooh, that burns.
25
00:02:12,115 --> 00:02:15,141
- An hour?
- Hey, and, Roldy?
26
00:02:15,885 --> 00:02:17,580
Yeah?
27
00:02:17,620 --> 00:02:19,349
Nice pubes.
28
00:02:19,889 --> 00:02:21,948
Asshole, get out of here right now.
29
00:02:21,991 --> 00:02:25,688
- Wipe and leave. Wipe and leave now!
- Dude, this thing is huge!
30
00:02:25,728 --> 00:02:27,787
I think it still has cheese on it.
31
00:02:34,804 --> 00:02:37,967
Ooh wee
32
00:02:38,308 --> 00:02:39,332
Ooh wee
33
00:02:39,375 --> 00:02:41,343
La, la, la, la, la, la-la
34
00:02:41,377 --> 00:02:43,675
When I step into the party all the ladies wanna know
35
00:02:43,713 --> 00:02:45,908
I'm hangin' with the ballers, yeah, or my nigga Ghost
36
00:02:45,948 --> 00:02:48,075
I can tell you what they say, haters, if you wanna know
37
00:02:48,117 --> 00:02:50,449
They say ooh wee
38
00:02:50,486 --> 00:02:52,784
When I'm rollin' my Mercedes all the ladies wanna roll
39
00:02:52,822 --> 00:02:55,052
Be my Juliet and I can be your Romeo
40
00:02:55,091 --> 00:02:57,616
If you actin' menace I can pick another ho
41
00:02:57,660 --> 00:03:01,926
Ooh wee, ooh wee
42
00:03:02,265 --> 00:03:04,233
Ooh weeLa, la, la, la, la, la-la
43
00:03:04,267 --> 00:03:06,531
In the middle of the summer, or even 20 below
44
00:03:06,569 --> 00:03:08,434
I'm a bad motherfucker I'm way too fuckin' cold
45
00:03:08,471 --> 00:03:11,031
Let me tell you what they say when
I'm pullin' off my drawers
46
00:03:11,074 --> 00:03:14,840
They say ooh wee
47
00:03:14,877 --> 00:03:18,506
Ooh weeLa, la, la, la, la, la-la
48
00:03:29,592 --> 00:03:30,889
Ooh wee
49
00:03:30,927 --> 00:03:31,951
Aiyo, aiyo
50
00:03:31,994 --> 00:03:33,962
My game's here to party
just to cut up a rug
51
00:03:33,996 --> 00:03:35,429
Don't make me have to cut up a thug
52
00:03:35,465 --> 00:03:38,434
Now play something for me, DJ,
'cause there's nothin' but love
53
00:03:38,468 --> 00:03:40,993
Hosted by the ladies who lookin' for somethin' to rub
54
00:03:52,515 --> 00:03:55,279
Ooh wee
55
00:03:55,618 --> 00:03:57,813
Dude. Oh, my Go... I just realized something.
56
00:03:57,854 --> 00:03:58,843
What?
57
00:03:58,888 --> 00:04:01,652
Maria's gonna think I'm a stalker, man.
I'm following her to Amsterdam.
58
00:04:01,691 --> 00:04:04,956
Dude, relax. I have a med school
interview in ten minutes.
59
00:04:04,994 --> 00:04:06,757
You don't see me freaking out.
60
00:04:06,796 --> 00:04:09,026
Don't worry, man, she'll be psyched to see you.
61
00:04:09,065 --> 00:04:10,692
Oh, psyched? You think she's gonna be psyched?
62
00:04:10,733 --> 00:04:12,860
Totes, dude. Why wouldn't she be?
63
00:04:12,935 --> 00:04:14,237
So how does this work?
64
00:04:14,237 --> 00:04:17,570
We just... we show up in Amsterdam
and we start calling hotels...
65
00:04:17,607 --> 00:04:19,507
and ask if they have a Maria staying there?
66
00:04:19,542 --> 00:04:22,033
- I don't even know her last name.
- Dude, it's totally cool.
67
00:04:22,078 --> 00:04:23,909
We're definitely gonna find her.
68
00:04:23,946 --> 00:04:25,743
Amsterdam is a very small place.
It's not gonna be...
69
00:04:25,782 --> 00:04:28,546
Sir, I need you to step aside, please.
Let me search you.
70
00:04:28,584 --> 00:04:30,381
- Did I beep?
- No, you didn't beep.
71
00:04:30,420 --> 00:04:31,512
Just a random security check.
72
00:04:31,554 --> 00:04:34,022
If you could just step aside, please?
Just over here.
73
00:04:34,056 --> 00:04:36,547
- Random, huh?
- Yeah.
74
00:04:36,592 --> 00:04:39,220
So this has nothing to do with my ethnicity?
75
00:04:39,262 --> 00:04:40,889
Kumar, just do what the guy says.
76
00:04:40,930 --> 00:04:46,000
Sir, it's our job as airport security to search
for all possible weapons or illegal drugs.
77
00:04:46,068 --> 00:04:48,969
So just because of the color of my skin,
you assume that I have drugs on me?
78
00:04:49,005 --> 00:04:50,597
- No, he's...
- What are you, a racist?
79
00:04:50,640 --> 00:04:53,768
Racist? Dude, I'm black.
80
00:04:53,810 --> 00:04:56,278
He's black. He's not a racist.
81
00:04:56,813 --> 00:04:58,974
Please, dude, you're barely even brown.
82
00:04:59,015 --> 00:05:00,880
No, he didn't mean that.
83
00:05:00,917 --> 00:05:02,646
Compared to me, you look like Matthew Perry.
84
00:05:02,685 --> 00:05:04,653
Hey, who you calling Matthew Perry, bitch?
85
00:05:04,687 --> 00:05:07,656
I'm calling you Matthew Perry,
you Matthew Perry-looking bitch!
86
00:05:07,690 --> 00:05:09,681
No, there's nobody here who is Matthew Perry. No one!
87
00:05:09,725 --> 00:05:11,249
What is going on here?
88
00:05:11,294 --> 00:05:16,230
Sir, Matthew Perry over here thinks that I have
illegal narcotics on me because I'm a minority.
89
00:05:16,265 --> 00:05:20,192
This is textbook racial profiling and I'd be more than
happy to call the ACLU or the government...
90
00:05:20,236 --> 00:05:22,704
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Sorry for the inconvenience, sir.
91
00:05:22,738 --> 00:05:25,605
- You can move along.
- I appreciate it. Thanks, Matt Perry.
92
00:05:27,043 --> 00:05:28,305
Hey, what are you doing?
93
00:05:28,344 --> 00:05:30,312
What do you mean, what am I doing?
He called me Matthew Perry.
94
00:05:30,346 --> 00:05:31,643
Well, you look like Matthew Perry.
95
00:05:31,681 --> 00:05:33,512
- He's white!
- So what?
96
00:05:33,549 --> 00:05:35,881
Why does everything have to become
a huge argument with you, man?
97
00:05:35,918 --> 00:05:40,116
'Cause this is America, dude and as long as I have my
freedom of speech, no one's gonna shut me up.
98
00:05:40,156 --> 00:05:41,680
Kumar?
99
00:05:44,694 --> 00:05:45,854
Roldy?
100
00:05:45,895 --> 00:05:48,955
- Vanessa.
- Oh, my God!
101
00:05:48,998 --> 00:05:52,365
- Good to see you.
- So good to see you. l...
102
00:05:52,401 --> 00:05:54,528
- Hi. Hey.
- Hey.
103
00:05:54,570 --> 00:05:55,662
Hey.
104
00:05:55,705 --> 00:05:59,141
God, it's been forever.
What are you guys doing?
105
00:05:59,175 --> 00:06:01,643
We're actually on our way to Amsterdam.
106
00:06:01,677 --> 00:06:02,871
- Amsterdam?
- Yeah.
107
00:06:02,912 --> 00:06:04,641
Well, you guys haven't changed.
108
00:06:04,680 --> 00:06:07,740
You have. You look amazing.
Your hair is diff...
109
00:06:07,783 --> 00:06:10,718
- Doesn't she look amazing?
- Yeah.
110
00:06:10,753 --> 00:06:12,846
Yeah, you look great.
You look awesome. Sorry.
111
00:06:12,889 --> 00:06:15,881
What am I even saying?
You look different and...
112
00:06:15,925 --> 00:06:19,520
- Kumar Patel, you're flustered.
- Little bit.
113
00:06:21,364 --> 00:06:25,858
So, what's up with you? You still dating
the Abercrombie-wearing douchebag?
114
00:06:25,902 --> 00:06:28,029
Actually, it's Brooks Brothers.
115
00:06:28,070 --> 00:06:31,039
Colton! How are you, buddy?
116
00:06:31,073 --> 00:06:32,665
- Good to see ya.
- Good to see you.
117
00:06:32,708 --> 00:06:34,471
And we're not dating anymore.
118
00:06:34,510 --> 00:06:36,876
No. We... are getting married.
119
00:06:37,813 --> 00:06:39,747
Congratulations, you guys.
120
00:06:39,782 --> 00:06:42,307
- You're fucking getting married?
- Yeah.
121
00:06:42,351 --> 00:06:45,286
- When?
- Next week.
122
00:06:46,022 --> 00:06:47,990
It's going to be a perfect day.
123
00:06:48,024 --> 00:06:50,458
I mean, that's assuming we get those
Stargazer lilies for the bouquets.
124
00:06:50,493 --> 00:06:52,484
This florist has been a complete nightmare.
125
00:06:52,528 --> 00:06:54,428
Fucking assholes.
126
00:06:54,463 --> 00:06:57,227
Colton's practically planning the whole wedding all by himself.
127
00:06:57,266 --> 00:07:00,531
So, Rold, Brewster Keegan letting you
off the leash for a little vay-cay?
128
00:07:00,570 --> 00:07:03,596
I own that place now, Colton.
129
00:07:03,639 --> 00:07:05,436
Thank you so much for the hook-up.
130
00:07:05,474 --> 00:07:08,841
Hey, I ran into Todd, at Whitaker's, of course.
131
00:07:08,878 --> 00:07:11,346
He told me you got a job working for the government.
132
00:07:11,380 --> 00:07:13,814
Yeah! Yeah, President Bush and my dad
were in the same fraternity.
133
00:07:13,849 --> 00:07:15,180
- Oh, that's right.
- Oh, Jesus.
134
00:07:15,217 --> 00:07:17,208
Yeah, yeah, when he gave my dad that
appointment at the Defense Department...
135
00:07:17,253 --> 00:07:19,346
- I became his right-hand man.
- Douche.
136
00:07:19,388 --> 00:07:20,548
The President's supposed to be at our wedding...
137
00:07:20,590 --> 00:07:22,683
- but you know how busy he is.
- Yeah.
138
00:07:22,725 --> 00:07:24,522
Sounds like an incredible job, man.
139
00:07:24,560 --> 00:07:27,028
Hey, you really got some major connections to the top.
140
00:07:27,063 --> 00:07:29,531
If you ever need anything, I'm your man.
141
00:07:29,565 --> 00:07:31,795
- Thank you so much, buddy.
- Anytime.
142
00:07:31,834 --> 00:07:33,563
This guy's the best.
143
00:07:33,603 --> 00:07:36,163
- So, sweetheart, we should get going.
- Yes.
144
00:07:36,205 --> 00:07:38,867
- Good to see you guys again.
- Congratulations again.
145
00:07:38,908 --> 00:07:41,274
- Thank you. Take care, thank you.
- It's so nice.
146
00:07:41,310 --> 00:07:42,800
- Bye.
- Bye.
147
00:07:56,926 --> 00:08:00,493
Dude, I can't believe they're getting married.
We've only been broken up two years.
148
00:08:01,097 --> 00:08:02,962
Plus that dude has date-rape face.
149
00:08:02,999 --> 00:08:05,092
I don't even know what that is.
150
00:08:05,134 --> 00:08:07,625
One who possesses the face of a date rapist.
151
00:08:07,670 --> 00:08:10,969
Right. Listen...
152
00:08:11,007 --> 00:08:13,475
I'm sorry, bro.
153
00:08:13,509 --> 00:08:16,137
But we are going to Amsterdam.
Come on.
154
00:08:16,178 --> 00:08:19,341
This is true. This is true, Roldy.
155
00:08:19,382 --> 00:08:21,509
Ooh wee
156
00:08:25,154 --> 00:08:28,487
- Man, this is so not like me.
- Yeah.
157
00:08:28,524 --> 00:08:32,016
It's like I'm a whole new Harold.
Better, faster, stronger.
158
00:08:32,061 --> 00:08:33,722
Nice.
159
00:08:33,763 --> 00:08:38,063
Man, I've never used a sick day before.
I'm taking a whole week off from work here, man.
160
00:08:38,100 --> 00:08:41,866
And in less than eight hours, we're gonna be in Amsterdam.
161
00:08:41,904 --> 00:08:44,395
- This is nuts. This is nuts.
- I know, dude.
162
00:08:44,440 --> 00:08:46,431
It's gonna be exactly like Euro Trip, only it's not gonna suck.
163
00:08:46,475 --> 00:08:50,036
- It's gonna be awesome.
- It's not not gonna be awesome.
164
00:09:29,418 --> 00:09:32,785
Dude. Dude, this chick's giving me
such a boner, it's awesome.
165
00:09:32,822 --> 00:09:34,756
Thank you. You ruined the moment.
166
00:09:36,826 --> 00:09:38,293
She's all yours, buddy.
167
00:09:38,327 --> 00:09:40,227
- You wanna pause it?
- I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
168
00:09:40,262 --> 00:09:41,957
No, that's...
169
00:09:41,997 --> 00:09:43,658
Enjoy.
170
00:09:54,577 --> 00:09:56,306
Just a minute.
171
00:09:56,345 --> 00:09:57,812
Fuc...
172
00:09:57,847 --> 00:09:59,439
Hey, hey.
173
00:10:00,282 --> 00:10:01,476
Let me in.
174
00:10:03,085 --> 00:10:05,781
What are you doing?
I'm taking a piss, asshole!
175
00:10:05,821 --> 00:10:06,947
- Yeah.
- Yo!
176
00:10:06,989 --> 00:10:09,457
I'm not joining the mile-high club with you.
177
00:10:09,492 --> 00:10:11,483
What about the really high club?
178
00:10:13,162 --> 00:10:14,823
- Are you retarded?
- No.
179
00:10:14,864 --> 00:10:16,764
You brought weed on the fucking airplane?
180
00:10:16,799 --> 00:10:19,029
- Yep.
- What the fuck?
181
00:10:19,068 --> 00:10:21,036
Wait a second. You were giving that security guard shit.
182
00:10:21,070 --> 00:10:23,061
Yeah. How else was I supposed to get past him?
183
00:10:23,105 --> 00:10:25,869
By not bringing drugs on an airplane?
184
00:10:26,876 --> 00:10:29,777
- Look... What are you doing? What is this?
- You'll see.
185
00:10:38,320 --> 00:10:43,519
Harold Lee, I would like to introduce
you to an invention of mine.
186
00:10:43,559 --> 00:10:45,686
Meet the smokeless bong.
187
00:10:45,728 --> 00:10:48,629
- You made this?
- You know, I did.
188
00:10:48,664 --> 00:10:52,460
When you were slaving away at work I was actually
being a productive member of society.
189
00:10:52,501 --> 00:10:56,665
- Yeah, that's really productive.
- Let me show you how it works.
190
00:10:56,705 --> 00:10:59,265
So you take a little weed...
191
00:11:00,276 --> 00:11:03,211
put it in the bowl right here and light
it just like a normal bong, OK?
192
00:11:03,245 --> 00:11:05,076
Now here's the truly genius part.
193
00:11:05,114 --> 00:11:10,711
Inside this mechanism, I have actually
made a little tiny, tiny fan...
194
00:11:10,753 --> 00:11:16,320
and some disinfectant powder, OK, it works sort of like a
deodorizer so that anything it expunges smells like Lysol.
195
00:11:16,358 --> 00:11:17,985
- Put it away.
- No, dude.
196
00:11:18,027 --> 00:11:20,018
Can you not wait till we get to Amsterdam?
197
00:11:20,062 --> 00:11:22,724
It's the weed capital of the world!
198
00:11:24,200 --> 00:11:25,792
- No.
- Put the bong away!
199
00:11:25,835 --> 00:11:27,666
- Take the inaugural hit, dude.
- No!
200
00:11:27,703 --> 00:11:28,795
Come on, man.
201
00:11:28,838 --> 00:11:32,035
- Then I'm gonna do it.
- Put it away. Put the frickin' bong away.
202
00:11:35,945 --> 00:11:38,880
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Turb...
203
00:11:45,788 --> 00:11:48,188
Terrorist!
204
00:11:49,959 --> 00:11:51,221
Roldy?
205
00:11:51,260 --> 00:11:53,592
- What the fuck is that thing in his hands?
- No, ma'am, not a terrorist.
206
00:11:53,629 --> 00:11:56,496
- He's just an idiot.
- This is just a bong.
207
00:11:56,532 --> 00:11:59,000
He said he got a bomb!
208
00:12:00,903 --> 00:12:03,929
No, people, it's a water pipe for tobacco.
209
00:12:03,973 --> 00:12:06,339
No, no, no, it's not a bomb. It's just a bong.
210
00:12:14,850 --> 00:12:17,375
Poison gas!
211
00:12:22,725 --> 00:12:25,785
It's marijuana! Marijuana!
212
00:12:25,828 --> 00:12:29,025
You picked the wrong plane, you terrorist fuck!
213
00:12:29,064 --> 00:12:31,032
Hey! Hey, what are you doing?
214
00:12:32,568 --> 00:12:35,469
There are three air marshals on board. Three!
215
00:12:35,504 --> 00:12:39,099
We are not terrorists!
Sir, that's a bong, not a bomb.
216
00:12:39,141 --> 00:12:40,938
Shut up!
217
00:12:41,944 --> 00:12:43,138
I got this one!
218
00:12:43,178 --> 00:12:44,509
- Roldy?
- Please don't!
219
00:12:44,546 --> 00:12:47,481
I am in a great amount of pain!
220
00:12:47,516 --> 00:12:51,714
Everybody relax. Just calm down.
Everything is under control.
221
00:12:51,754 --> 00:12:56,020
Tell 'em to turn the plane around.
These two assholes are goin' back to the U.S.
222
00:13:19,949 --> 00:13:23,544
Secretary Fox. Glad you could make it.
223
00:13:23,585 --> 00:13:26,577
Think I'd miss a terrorist attack of this magnitude?
224
00:13:26,622 --> 00:13:28,852
Not a fuckin' chance.
225
00:13:32,962 --> 00:13:34,987
Who are these people?
226
00:13:35,030 --> 00:13:38,329
Representatives of the different intelligence agencies.
227
00:13:38,367 --> 00:13:40,858
I assume Secretary Whitmore's coming?
228
00:13:40,903 --> 00:13:45,602
Negative. He's on an ice fishing trip in Glacier Bay.
229
00:13:45,641 --> 00:13:47,233
I'm in charge while he's gone.
230
00:13:47,276 --> 00:13:49,710
Well, shouldn't he be alerted?
231
00:13:49,745 --> 00:13:55,047
Isn't this issue of more importance than an ice fishing trip?
232
00:14:00,289 --> 00:14:02,314
Who are you again?
233
00:14:02,358 --> 00:14:04,553
Dr. John Beecher, Vice Chairman of the NSA.
234
00:14:04,593 --> 00:14:07,960
Yeah, well, listen, Dr... Dipshit.
235
00:14:08,764 --> 00:14:11,324
You've obviously never been ice fishing before.
236
00:14:12,768 --> 00:14:16,966
- No, I haven't.
- Yeah, well, it's fucking exhilarating.
237
00:14:17,006 --> 00:14:20,703
The last thing anyone would want while
fishing for pike is to be interrupted.
238
00:14:20,743 --> 00:14:22,540
Now back off...
239
00:14:23,545 --> 00:14:25,911
and let me do my job.
240
00:14:38,327 --> 00:14:40,318
What's up with the guy with the weird eyes?
241
00:14:40,362 --> 00:14:42,956
He handicapped or something?
242
00:14:42,998 --> 00:14:44,989
We believe he's of Korean descent.
243
00:14:48,604 --> 00:14:50,469
My God.
244
00:14:52,107 --> 00:14:55,599
North Korea and al-Qaeda workin' together.
245
00:14:55,644 --> 00:14:57,407
This is bigger than I thought.
246
00:14:57,980 --> 00:14:59,948
You couldn't wait?
247
00:14:59,982 --> 00:15:02,678
You couldn't fucking wait?
248
00:15:02,718 --> 00:15:05,380
We were about to have all the legal weed we wanted.
249
00:15:05,421 --> 00:15:08,686
You know, in Amsterdam, where we were going!
250
00:15:26,809 --> 00:15:28,470
Thought you could get away with this, huh?
251
00:15:32,481 --> 00:15:39,512
You thought that after 9/11 our national
security was a joke, huh?
252
00:15:40,389 --> 00:15:41,981
Well...
253
00:15:44,927 --> 00:15:46,087
guess what?
254
00:15:47,062 --> 00:15:48,324
What?
255
00:15:50,165 --> 00:15:52,759
We knew you fuckers would be back.
256
00:15:52,801 --> 00:15:53,961
- Holy shit!
- But we're Americans, man.
257
00:15:54,002 --> 00:15:56,766
- We love America. We love America!
- Very much.
258
00:15:56,805 --> 00:16:01,534
That's a convenient thing to say after you try
and blow up a plane filled with Americans!
259
00:16:01,577 --> 00:16:02,805
- No.
- No, we didn't do...
260
00:16:02,845 --> 00:16:05,370
No, you see, you have the wrong idea.
261
00:16:05,414 --> 00:16:07,245
My idiot friend here brought marijuana...
262
00:16:07,282 --> 00:16:08,772
- on the plane.
- Yeah, hey, hey, hey, hey.
263
00:16:08,817 --> 00:16:12,878
Zip it, Hello Kitty. OK? I know your
operation's funded through drugs.
264
00:16:12,921 --> 00:16:14,786
No. This is typical government bullshit, sir. l...
265
00:16:14,823 --> 00:16:16,586
- Hey, hey, hey. Shut up. Shut up!
- l...
266
00:16:16,625 --> 00:16:20,493
- No, I'm trying to explain it! Harold!
- Shut up, shut up, shut up! Shut up!
267
00:16:22,798 --> 00:16:24,959
Do we have the right to make a phone call?
268
00:16:26,135 --> 00:16:27,762
Yeah. Yeah!
269
00:16:27,803 --> 00:16:31,170
I'm sorry. You want rights now.
270
00:16:31,206 --> 00:16:33,868
You want freedoms right now.
271
00:16:33,909 --> 00:16:35,774
Is it time? Is it freedom o'clock?
272
00:16:39,214 --> 00:16:41,307
- Guess what.
- What?
273
00:16:42,184 --> 00:16:47,281
Where you guys are going, they have
never even heard of rights.
274
00:16:48,490 --> 00:16:50,458
Well, where are we going?
275
00:16:57,733 --> 00:17:01,567
We're innocent men!
We're innocent men!
276
00:17:02,437 --> 00:17:04,405
I'm an innocent man.
277
00:17:04,973 --> 00:17:07,407
I donate blood.
278
00:17:07,442 --> 00:17:10,343
And toys for tots.
279
00:17:14,116 --> 00:17:16,744
And now I'm in Guantanamo Bay.
280
00:17:16,785 --> 00:17:18,878
See why I'm against paying taxes?
281
00:17:18,921 --> 00:17:20,684
Hey! Hey.
282
00:17:21,523 --> 00:17:22,854
Fuck you!
283
00:17:22,891 --> 00:17:24,859
Dude, calm down, OK?
284
00:17:24,893 --> 00:17:28,556
Look on the bright side.
There's a sink. There's a toilet.
285
00:17:28,597 --> 00:17:30,565
The pillow actually looks pretty comfortable.
286
00:17:33,435 --> 00:17:36,097
OK. You don't speak to me, ever.
287
00:17:36,138 --> 00:17:37,400
- Ever.
- OK.
288
00:17:37,439 --> 00:17:39,669
- No! Shut up!
- OK.
289
00:17:42,244 --> 00:17:43,575
So what are you guys in here for?
290
00:17:45,681 --> 00:17:50,914
For giving the United States a taste of their own medicine.
291
00:17:51,887 --> 00:17:56,017
- You guys are real terrorists?
- Some call us terrorists.
292
00:17:56,058 --> 00:17:58,390
Others call us heroes.
293
00:17:58,427 --> 00:18:02,022
Screw that. You think you guys are
heroes for killing innocent people?
294
00:18:02,064 --> 00:18:04,191
It's 'cause of assholes like you that
we're even in this fucking place...
295
00:18:04,233 --> 00:18:05,632
you fucking cowards!
296
00:18:05,667 --> 00:18:08,500
Well, maybe if the people in your
country stopped eating donuts...
297
00:18:08,537 --> 00:18:13,740
and started realizing what your government is doing
to the world assholes like us wouldn't exist.
298
00:18:13,775 --> 00:18:16,642
- Fuck you! Donuts are awesome!
- They're delicious.
299
00:18:16,678 --> 00:18:17,975
You like donuts?
300
00:18:18,013 --> 00:18:21,244
Well, wait till you see what they make you eat in here.
301
00:18:21,283 --> 00:18:23,444
- Yeah?
- What do they make you eat in here?
302
00:18:23,485 --> 00:18:25,077
l...
303
00:18:25,120 --> 00:18:27,816
Ever hear of a cockmeat sandwich?
304
00:18:28,657 --> 00:18:30,215
What's a cockmeat sandwich?
305
00:18:31,727 --> 00:18:32,921
You're about to find out.
306
00:18:35,564 --> 00:18:38,226
Right about now. Sucker.
307
00:18:41,470 --> 00:18:45,668
All right, cockmeat sandwich time.
You know the drill.
308
00:18:45,707 --> 00:18:48,403
What about them? They just got here!
309
00:18:51,313 --> 00:18:52,837
Big Bob's taking care of them.
310
00:18:52,881 --> 00:18:55,349
- Big Bob.
- Big Bob?
311
00:18:55,384 --> 00:18:57,750
I hope you like donuts.
312
00:18:57,786 --> 00:19:00,846
Let's go to work. Hey, listen, guys, enjoy.
313
00:19:03,225 --> 00:19:04,487
Holy shit.
314
00:19:04,526 --> 00:19:06,721
Oh, yeah, that's it.
315
00:19:07,696 --> 00:19:11,291
- This is not good.
- No, Kumar, it is not good.
316
00:19:11,333 --> 00:19:13,597
- I've never had to suck a dick before.
- Me neither.
317
00:19:13,635 --> 00:19:15,626
I bet it sucks dick.
318
00:19:17,572 --> 00:19:19,267
Shit, dude.
319
00:19:19,308 --> 00:19:21,276
Please don't let it be Big Bob.
Please don't let it be Big Bob.
320
00:19:21,310 --> 00:19:24,438
Please don't let it be Big Bob.
Come on.
321
00:19:24,479 --> 00:19:27,175
Please don't let it be Big Bob.
Please don't let it be Big Bob.
322
00:19:27,215 --> 00:19:28,546
Please don't let it be Big Bob.
323
00:19:28,583 --> 00:19:30,448
- Please don't let it be Big Bob.
- I'm Big Bob.
324
00:19:30,485 --> 00:19:33,454
- Fuck.
- Yes, you are.
325
00:19:34,923 --> 00:19:36,948
You boys ready for your cockmeat sandwich?
326
00:19:39,127 --> 00:19:40,116
No?
327
00:19:40,162 --> 00:19:42,062
Well, you better get hungry real fast...
328
00:19:42,097 --> 00:19:45,897
'cause I got a whole lot of sandwich waitin' for ya.
329
00:19:46,835 --> 00:19:48,496
Holy shit!
330
00:19:48,537 --> 00:19:51,734
- All right, let's get goin'.
- Hold on, hold on, hold on, Big Bob...
331
00:19:51,773 --> 00:19:55,300
I got to ask you a question before this all goes down.
332
00:19:55,344 --> 00:19:58,245
- All the guards in Guantanamo are gay?
- Fuck, no!
333
00:19:58,280 --> 00:20:00,874
Ain't nothing gay about getting your dick sucked!
334
00:20:00,916 --> 00:20:03,749
You're the ones that's gay for suckin' my dick!
335
00:20:03,785 --> 00:20:05,446
- What?
- In fact...
336
00:20:05,487 --> 00:20:09,014
creeps me out just bein' around you fags.
337
00:20:09,057 --> 00:20:10,490
- But...
- All right.
338
00:20:10,525 --> 00:20:12,720
- Wait...
- Get down on your knees...
339
00:20:12,761 --> 00:20:14,456
- and open your mouths.
- Please, Big Bob.
340
00:20:14,496 --> 00:20:15,690
Why don't you just kick our ass instead?
341
00:20:15,731 --> 00:20:17,926
- Get on your fucking knees!
- All right. All right.
342
00:20:17,966 --> 00:20:21,732
- All right, all right, all right, all right.
- You go first, dude.
343
00:20:21,770 --> 00:20:23,829
Hope you boys like extra mayo.
344
00:20:23,872 --> 00:20:26,602
- Jesus, Kumar.
- Oh, I hate you so much!
345
00:20:26,641 --> 00:20:28,074
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
346
00:20:28,110 --> 00:20:30,544
God, his dick smells like shit, dude.
347
00:20:35,283 --> 00:20:37,080
Holy shit!
348
00:20:38,387 --> 00:20:42,687
- What the hell happened?
- That terrorist fuck bit my dick!
349
00:20:47,796 --> 00:20:49,559
- Come on.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait a second!
350
00:20:49,598 --> 00:20:51,964
Should we?
What if they kill us out there?
351
00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:53,661
They're gonna fucking make us suck their dicks if we don't.
352
00:20:53,702 --> 00:20:55,101
We're gonna die in here. Come on.
353
00:20:58,340 --> 00:21:00,433
- Fuck. Fuck.
- Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
354
00:21:01,009 --> 00:21:02,977
- Shit. Shit.
- Fuck. Fuck.
355
00:21:03,011 --> 00:21:05,070
- Shit. Shit.
- Fuck. Fuck.
356
00:21:05,113 --> 00:21:07,081
- Oh, shit! Get out!
- Fuck!
357
00:21:07,115 --> 00:21:09,379
Oh, shit. Shit.
358
00:21:09,418 --> 00:21:10,908
Door, door.
359
00:21:16,158 --> 00:21:17,250
Look, look, look.
360
00:21:17,292 --> 00:21:18,919
What the fuck is he doing?
361
00:21:31,039 --> 00:21:34,202
We've got to go now, now, now, now, now!
362
00:21:36,678 --> 00:21:38,646
It smells like burnt asshole.
363
00:21:42,150 --> 00:21:44,118
I can't fucking believe this.
364
00:21:46,188 --> 00:21:47,177
Fuck!
365
00:21:50,892 --> 00:21:52,359
My wrist is swelling, man!
366
00:21:52,394 --> 00:21:54,362
- Shut up.
- We're gonna die in a jungle!
367
00:21:54,396 --> 00:21:55,954
- Shut up!
- Fuck!
368
00:21:55,997 --> 00:21:59,831
Watch out for cheetahs!
This is cheetah turf.
369
00:22:01,069 --> 00:22:03,435
- What?
- OK. Fuck.
370
00:22:03,472 --> 00:22:04,962
We hit ocean.
What do we do now?
371
00:22:06,274 --> 00:22:08,504
All right.
372
00:22:08,543 --> 00:22:10,033
Hey, look, look!
373
00:22:14,249 --> 00:22:15,511
Excuse me.
374
00:22:16,852 --> 00:22:18,479
You guys going to America?
375
00:22:18,520 --> 00:22:19,748
Si, vamos.
376
00:22:19,788 --> 00:22:21,688
Yes, we're going.
377
00:22:21,723 --> 00:22:23,190
Thank you.
378
00:22:23,225 --> 00:22:24,283
- Si, vamos.
- Vamos, vamos.
379
00:22:24,359 --> 00:22:25,383
I'm telling you, Jorge...
380
00:22:25,427 --> 00:22:30,463
the first thing you have to do when you get to
America buy a device called TiVo, OK?
381
00:22:30,499 --> 00:22:34,334
Freedom means nothing if you're a slave to regular
programming I promise you that.
382
00:22:34,369 --> 00:22:36,337
And now, how about you focus?
383
00:22:36,371 --> 00:22:38,635
We gotta figure out what to do when we get to the States.
384
00:22:38,673 --> 00:22:41,506
We don't have wallets. We don't
have any ID. We've got nothing.
385
00:22:41,543 --> 00:22:45,240
Well, I figure we're gonna land
somewhere around Miami, right?
386
00:22:45,280 --> 00:22:47,441
There's only one guy we know who lives down there.
387
00:22:47,482 --> 00:22:49,916
- Who do we know that... Raza.
- Yeah.
388
00:22:49,951 --> 00:22:52,044
We gotta go see Raza.
389
00:22:53,054 --> 00:22:54,851
- Adios.
- Hasta luego.
390
00:22:54,890 --> 00:22:57,825
- Thanks again.
- What nice people.
391
00:22:57,859 --> 00:23:00,225
Man, South Florida here we are.
392
00:23:00,262 --> 00:23:02,730
OK. So, now how do we get to Raza's?
393
00:23:02,764 --> 00:23:04,698
The professional way.
We walk. Let's go.
394
00:23:04,733 --> 00:23:06,200
- Walk?
- Yeah.
395
00:23:06,234 --> 00:23:08,225
So I guess Raza's...
396
00:23:08,270 --> 00:23:10,431
- We'll find it, we'll find it.
- that away. Yeah.
397
00:23:10,472 --> 00:23:11,837
Dale aso, papi
398
00:23:11,907 --> 00:23:13,704
Talcame
399
00:23:14,676 --> 00:23:16,439
Ay
400
00:23:16,478 --> 00:23:18,207
Papi
401
00:23:18,246 --> 00:23:20,043
Ay
402
00:23:20,081 --> 00:23:21,844
Papi
403
00:23:21,883 --> 00:23:22,975
Ay
404
00:23:23,018 --> 00:23:26,920
- Wow, Raza's place is pretty sweet.
- Kinda ghetto for Miami.
405
00:23:26,955 --> 00:23:28,013
Para abajo
406
00:23:28,056 --> 00:23:30,456
Toca, toca, toca, toca, toca
407
00:23:33,962 --> 00:23:35,293
- Hi.
- Hey.
408
00:23:38,333 --> 00:23:40,824
Y'all aren't here to complain about the noise, are you?
409
00:23:41,670 --> 00:23:44,969
No. We're not... here to complain about the noise.
410
00:23:45,006 --> 00:23:47,531
We're...
411
00:23:50,145 --> 00:23:51,305
We are here to see...
412
00:23:51,346 --> 00:23:53,644
- What is his name? We're here...
- Vagina.
413
00:23:53,682 --> 00:23:57,049
No, we're here to see Raza.
414
00:23:57,085 --> 00:23:59,315
OK. Follow me.
415
00:23:59,354 --> 00:24:00,912
Thank you, ma'am.
416
00:24:01,556 --> 00:24:04,423
We'll follow... you, I guess.
417
00:24:04,459 --> 00:24:06,256
Ba-dunk, ba-dunk, ba-dunk
418
00:24:06,294 --> 00:24:08,159
She got it, she got it
419
00:24:08,196 --> 00:24:09,663
Ba-dunk, ba-dunk, ba-dunk
420
00:24:09,698 --> 00:24:11,689
She said, "Boy, go ahead"
421
00:24:11,733 --> 00:24:13,724
As long as I don't touch it
422
00:24:13,768 --> 00:24:17,465
I said, "Now, why the hell would I wanna interrupt it?"
423
00:24:17,505 --> 00:24:18,494
Hey.
424
00:24:19,274 --> 00:24:21,435
- Very patriotic of you.
- Thank you.
425
00:24:22,611 --> 00:24:24,579
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
426
00:24:26,781 --> 00:24:29,045
- Hey, Raza!
- What?
427
00:24:29,084 --> 00:24:30,312
What's up?
428
00:24:30,352 --> 00:24:31,683
- Kumar and Roldy?
- What's up, man?
429
00:24:31,720 --> 00:24:34,348
I haven't seen you guys since graduation.
430
00:24:34,389 --> 00:24:35,947
What are you guys doing here?
431
00:24:35,991 --> 00:24:38,653
Wait, what's up with the orange jumpsuits?
432
00:24:38,693 --> 00:24:40,160
- Hey, no, no, question number one...
- It's kind of a long story. l...
433
00:24:40,195 --> 00:24:41,856
- what's up with this party?
- What do you mean?
434
00:24:41,896 --> 00:24:44,364
There's exposed vagina all over your house.
435
00:24:44,399 --> 00:24:46,765
Yeah. That was my idea.
436
00:24:46,801 --> 00:24:50,464
I don't know about you guys,
I'm sick of all the hype over topless.
437
00:24:50,505 --> 00:24:52,905
Really? I always liked toplessness. That's...
438
00:24:52,941 --> 00:24:53,930
- That's just me.
- Yeah? Well, I'm starting...
439
00:24:53,975 --> 00:24:57,570
the bottomless trend.
Hence, the bottomless party.
440
00:24:57,612 --> 00:24:58,601
So what are you guys doing in South Beach?
441
00:24:58,647 --> 00:25:00,740
How about you answer that question?
I'm gonna go check this out.
442
00:25:00,782 --> 00:25:02,511
- Where are you going?
- Bang bang, buddy.
443
00:25:02,550 --> 00:25:04,882
Listen. I'm really sorry to bother you with this.
444
00:25:04,919 --> 00:25:06,580
- You all right?
- Not really.
445
00:25:09,357 --> 00:25:12,690
They were locked up for less than an hour,
and they already escaped?
446
00:25:12,727 --> 00:25:15,560
Damn it. Make sure the press doesn't get wind of this.
447
00:25:15,597 --> 00:25:17,565
Don't need the public thinking we're some two-bit operation.
448
00:25:17,599 --> 00:25:18,588
Got it, sir.
449
00:25:18,633 --> 00:25:20,498
It must have been either al-Qaeda or
North Korea who broke 'em up.
450
00:25:20,535 --> 00:25:22,127
Find out if they have any relatives in the country.
451
00:25:22,170 --> 00:25:25,196
You probably should have done that in the first place.
452
00:25:30,178 --> 00:25:35,047
Do you have a problem with the way
I'm running the show, Beecher?
453
00:25:35,083 --> 00:25:37,415
I'm just saying that...
454
00:25:37,452 --> 00:25:41,286
I've looked through the files on Harold Lee and Kumar Patel.
455
00:25:41,322 --> 00:25:42,880
They were both born and raised in New Jersey.
456
00:25:42,924 --> 00:25:44,755
Other than a couple of traffic tickets, they're clean.
457
00:25:44,793 --> 00:25:47,125
Right. That's why they just broke out of prison.
458
00:25:47,162 --> 00:25:50,029
But they... lt's not even clear that they should
have been there in the first place.
459
00:25:50,065 --> 00:25:52,056
Shut your...
460
00:25:59,040 --> 00:26:00,905
You see this cute, little white girl, Beecher?
461
00:26:00,942 --> 00:26:02,273
Yeah.
462
00:26:02,310 --> 00:26:06,246
Do you want her to get raped and murdered?
463
00:26:07,649 --> 00:26:08,638
Of course not.
464
00:26:08,683 --> 00:26:11,413
You sure? 'Cause this is America.
465
00:26:11,986 --> 00:26:15,683
- Do you want to rape America?
- No.
466
00:26:15,724 --> 00:26:19,160
Then stop fucking with me.
467
00:26:23,064 --> 00:26:24,531
This is serious.
468
00:26:25,567 --> 00:26:27,467
She's adorable.
469
00:26:29,637 --> 00:26:31,366
So you guys are fucking fugitives?
470
00:26:31,406 --> 00:26:33,636
It's just it's Kumar's fault.
471
00:26:33,675 --> 00:26:35,575
If we get out of this...
472
00:26:35,610 --> 00:26:38,977
the chances of us remaining friends is highly...
473
00:26:39,013 --> 00:26:40,207
highly... boobies. Yeah.
474
00:26:40,248 --> 00:26:42,273
Hey, what do you think you're doing?
475
00:26:42,317 --> 00:26:44,785
Put that back on. And keep it on.
476
00:26:44,819 --> 00:26:46,946
- Sorry.
- Fuckin' party do you think this is?
477
00:26:46,988 --> 00:26:49,081
Yo. What are you guys talking about?
478
00:26:49,124 --> 00:26:51,149
Roldy was just letting me in on your situation.
479
00:26:51,192 --> 00:26:53,126
- Yeah?
- Thanks for getting me involved.
480
00:26:53,161 --> 00:26:56,893
What about that fuckin' time we had to cover for you
lie to your ex-girlfriend about how you got crabs?
481
00:26:56,931 --> 00:26:58,091
You owe us, man.
482
00:26:58,133 --> 00:26:59,430
- Yeah, that's right.
- What?
483
00:26:59,467 --> 00:27:01,628
- OK, that was a long time ago.
- I love crabs.
484
00:27:01,669 --> 00:27:03,466
Speaking of ex-girlfriends...
485
00:27:03,505 --> 00:27:05,234
isn't yours getting married or something?
486
00:27:05,273 --> 00:27:07,207
How does everybody know about this except for me?
487
00:27:07,242 --> 00:27:08,675
Wait.
488
00:27:09,711 --> 00:27:11,838
Colton! Colton Graham can help us out.
489
00:27:11,880 --> 00:27:13,245
- No! Fuck that!
- Yes!
490
00:27:13,281 --> 00:27:15,977
No doubt. If anyone could clear your names, it's him.
491
00:27:16,017 --> 00:27:17,712
No, I'm sorry.
That dickweed is not helping us.
492
00:27:17,752 --> 00:27:19,686
Wait a second.
Do you have his contact info?
493
00:27:19,721 --> 00:27:23,748
Not anymore. But the wedding is at his
family's estate in Hewitt, Texas.
494
00:27:24,325 --> 00:27:28,383
But you don't want to bother them when they're
doing their whole wedding thing, right?
495
00:27:30,298 --> 00:27:33,233
You know, that actually might be our only hope.
496
00:27:33,268 --> 00:27:36,533
Fuck! How do we get there? We can't go
to the airport. They're looking for us.
497
00:27:36,571 --> 00:27:38,163
- I'll loan you one of my cars.
- Really?
498
00:27:38,206 --> 00:27:41,937
But first... y'all got to get in the spirit of the party.
499
00:27:41,976 --> 00:27:45,173
- What do you mean, spirit of...
- What do you think I mean?
500
00:27:45,980 --> 00:27:49,074
- What about you?
- Me? I've been in the spirit.
501
00:27:50,385 --> 00:27:52,148
- Oh, God!
- Oh, my God, dude!
502
00:27:52,187 --> 00:27:53,415
Oh, my God!
503
00:27:53,454 --> 00:27:55,285
- Love your dickdo, Raza.
- Yeah. Drink it in.
504
00:27:55,323 --> 00:27:58,520
- What the fuck?
- That looks like Osama bin Laden's beard.
505
00:27:58,560 --> 00:28:00,790
I know, right? All right, boys.
506
00:28:00,829 --> 00:28:02,592
Your turn. Let 'em dangle.
507
00:28:04,098 --> 00:28:06,066
- Let's just do it.
- Bring it.
508
00:28:06,100 --> 00:28:08,227
Count of three?
509
00:28:08,269 --> 00:28:09,964
One.
510
00:28:10,004 --> 00:28:11,494
Two, three.
511
00:28:13,842 --> 00:28:16,106
Your cocks are awesome, man!
512
00:28:16,144 --> 00:28:18,476
That's not even necessary.
513
00:28:18,513 --> 00:28:20,640
- Would you please...
- Oh, my dick!
514
00:28:20,682 --> 00:28:22,877
My dick cost a late-night fee
515
00:28:22,917 --> 00:28:25,044
Your dick got the HIV
516
00:28:25,086 --> 00:28:27,646
My dick plays on the double feature screen
517
00:28:27,689 --> 00:28:29,987
Your dick went straight to DVD
518
00:28:30,024 --> 00:28:32,584
My dick bigger than a bridge
519
00:28:32,627 --> 00:28:34,925
Your dick look like a little kid's
520
00:28:34,963 --> 00:28:37,864
My dick large like the Chargers, the whole team
521
00:28:37,899 --> 00:28:39,662
Your shit look like you 14
522
00:28:39,701 --> 00:28:42,135
My dick locked in a cage, right
523
00:28:42,170 --> 00:28:44,297
Your dick suffer from stage fright
524
00:28:44,339 --> 00:28:46,967
My dick so hot it's stolen
525
00:28:47,008 --> 00:28:49,499
Your dick look like Gary Coleman
526
00:28:49,544 --> 00:28:52,035
My dick pink and big
527
00:28:52,080 --> 00:28:56,278
- This car is frickin' sweet.
- Yeah, yeah, it's sweet.
528
00:28:56,317 --> 00:28:57,841
'Cause we're fugitives.
529
00:28:57,886 --> 00:29:00,878
Driving a yellow convertible with the
top down, dressed like assholes!
530
00:29:00,922 --> 00:29:03,914
Yo. Yo. Yo, look, he has one of these things.
531
00:29:03,958 --> 00:29:05,949
- Would you put that down?
- No, you can hook up to the Internet.
532
00:29:05,994 --> 00:29:08,656
You can play Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!
on it. King Hippo's going down.
533
00:29:08,696 --> 00:29:10,561
Put that away. Put that away.
534
00:29:10,598 --> 00:29:14,398
I can't believe you can even think about
playing games at a time like this, man.
535
00:29:14,435 --> 00:29:17,063
You realize what would happen if our
parents found out about this?
536
00:29:17,639 --> 00:29:20,472
You have sent our sons to GuantĂĄnamo Bay?
537
00:29:20,508 --> 00:29:22,669
This is an outrage!
538
00:29:23,378 --> 00:29:27,874
You Arabs think you can just mix in with our peaceful
society and we're not gonna find you, huh?
539
00:29:27,916 --> 00:29:30,350
I am not Arab! I am Indian!
540
00:29:30,385 --> 00:29:34,879
Look, Chief. I'm not here to argue seblantics with you, OK?
541
00:29:34,923 --> 00:29:36,982
I'm here to save lives.
542
00:29:37,025 --> 00:29:40,119
Ask the Lees what they know about
their son's terrorist activity.
543
00:29:49,871 --> 00:29:53,739
Look, we have been American citizens for over 40 years.
544
00:29:53,775 --> 00:29:57,267
Now, frankly, I find this very offensive.
545
00:29:59,414 --> 00:30:03,817
They're using some sort of dialect I've never heard before.
546
00:30:03,851 --> 00:30:07,014
But I'm pretty sure he said something
about going on the offensive.
547
00:30:08,890 --> 00:30:12,155
Tell them we know what their son is up to...
548
00:30:12,193 --> 00:30:15,060
and if they don't cooperate, he could be sentenced to death.
549
00:30:16,664 --> 00:30:18,859
Hit 'em. Yeah.
550
00:30:22,837 --> 00:30:24,771
We know what he said!
551
00:30:24,806 --> 00:30:27,798
Sir, Harold and Kumar are good boys.
552
00:30:31,479 --> 00:30:33,709
I'm a pretty good translator.
553
00:30:33,748 --> 00:30:35,511
It's total gibberish.
554
00:30:37,285 --> 00:30:38,775
They may be trying to stonewall us.
555
00:30:39,654 --> 00:30:41,986
Are you sure you speak Korean, Jack?
556
00:30:42,023 --> 00:30:43,012
You speak Korean?
557
00:30:43,057 --> 00:30:44,854
You're not fucking with Daddy, are you?
558
00:30:44,892 --> 00:30:48,953
Do you have a masters in romantic Korean literature?
559
00:30:48,997 --> 00:30:51,022
Because I do...
560
00:30:51,065 --> 00:30:52,623
and I'm offended.
561
00:30:53,835 --> 00:30:54,824
Good enough for me.
562
00:30:55,770 --> 00:30:57,897
Look, excuse me...
563
00:30:57,939 --> 00:31:02,741
we're not looking to hurt your sons but
we just wanna know where they are.
564
00:31:02,777 --> 00:31:04,972
Do you know if they know anybody in Florida?
565
00:31:06,147 --> 00:31:09,480
Their friend Raza Syed lives in Miami.
566
00:31:10,084 --> 00:31:11,551
But why would they be there?
567
00:31:11,586 --> 00:31:13,349
He's supposed to be in medical school.
568
00:31:13,388 --> 00:31:18,553
They are supposed to be in prison!
That is where terrorists belong!
569
00:31:21,195 --> 00:31:23,755
These fuckers are goin' down.
570
00:31:23,798 --> 00:31:25,698
Dead. Or alive.
571
00:31:25,733 --> 00:31:29,032
Tell them that in your fake ching-chong language.
572
00:31:31,172 --> 00:31:32,537
Shut up! You're an idiot.
573
00:31:34,108 --> 00:31:37,168
I don't know what you're saying, buddy...
574
00:31:37,211 --> 00:31:38,200
but fuck you.
575
00:31:38,246 --> 00:31:39,338
- Fuck me?
- Will you let him talk to you like that?
576
00:31:39,380 --> 00:31:41,575
- Listen, no, sit down.
- Fuck me?
577
00:31:49,557 --> 00:31:51,752
Hey, look, man, we're in Alabama.
578
00:31:52,927 --> 00:31:55,191
Wow, we actually get a first-hand look at the South, huh?
579
00:31:55,229 --> 00:31:58,790
Hey, this wasn't supposed to be a trip through the South, OK?
580
00:31:58,833 --> 00:32:01,324
This was supposed to be the most romantic week of my life.
581
00:32:01,369 --> 00:32:04,065
Remember that? Before you fucked it up?
You remember that?
582
00:32:04,105 --> 00:32:06,300
Just chill, OK? We'll be out of this situation.
583
00:32:06,340 --> 00:32:09,537
You'll be up in Maria's guts in no time, all right?
584
00:32:09,577 --> 00:32:13,536
Hey. She's not some skank, man.
585
00:32:13,581 --> 00:32:17,779
I've never felt this way about anyone before, really.
586
00:32:19,087 --> 00:32:21,419
What the fuck?
Why am I talking to you about this?
587
00:32:21,456 --> 00:32:23,754
It's not like you would understand, so...
588
00:32:34,735 --> 00:32:36,896
I want to be happy
589
00:32:38,172 --> 00:32:40,732
I want to be happy, just like...
590
00:32:40,775 --> 00:32:44,836
Excuse me, please.
Will you turn that off? This is a library.
591
00:32:47,415 --> 00:32:49,246
What a fucking chode.
592
00:32:49,283 --> 00:32:51,274
Thank you, come again!
593
00:32:57,625 --> 00:32:59,752
- What the fuck?!
- Oh, my God.
594
00:32:59,794 --> 00:33:03,954
You know, the whole reason people come to
the stacks is for some peace and...
595
00:33:04,966 --> 00:33:06,524
quiet.
596
00:33:06,567 --> 00:33:09,400
Look, I know, I'm sorry. I hate it
when people disturb me here too.
597
00:33:09,437 --> 00:33:12,565
It's just this fucking calculus final is killing me.
598
00:33:14,108 --> 00:33:18,010
- Do you mind if I take a look?
- No.
599
00:33:18,045 --> 00:33:22,175
- You're actually very close. May I?
- Yeah.
600
00:33:22,216 --> 00:33:24,013
Excuse me.
601
00:33:28,589 --> 00:33:30,784
I touched your breast.
602
00:33:30,825 --> 00:33:33,293
- It's OK.
- Sorry.
603
00:33:35,930 --> 00:33:37,898
You just go...
604
00:33:39,934 --> 00:33:42,835
Wow. You're good at this.
605
00:33:42,870 --> 00:33:44,132
Thanks.
606
00:33:44,172 --> 00:33:46,868
What did you, like, take calculus in high school or something?
607
00:33:46,908 --> 00:33:49,900
Actually, my dad taught it to me in sixth grade.
608
00:33:49,944 --> 00:33:52,469
What, are you like Doogie Howser?
609
00:33:52,513 --> 00:33:55,744
No. Although that would be incredible.
He's my hero.
610
00:33:55,783 --> 00:33:58,274
I love that show.
611
00:33:59,754 --> 00:34:00,914
What are you working on there?
612
00:34:00,955 --> 00:34:03,856
This is just a poem for my creative writing class.
613
00:34:03,891 --> 00:34:06,223
It's like...
614
00:34:06,260 --> 00:34:08,057
- "The Square Root Of Three"?
- No, no, I'm sorry...
615
00:34:08,095 --> 00:34:10,893
- "A poem of love by Kumar Patel."
- I need this.
616
00:34:10,932 --> 00:34:12,991
- Hey, let me read it.
- No, no.
617
00:34:13,034 --> 00:34:15,264
- Why?
- Because it's lame.
618
00:34:15,303 --> 00:34:16,327
Then read it to me.
619
00:34:16,370 --> 00:34:20,363
There's no way I'm letting you see me in
that light. Good luck with your calculus.
620
00:34:21,409 --> 00:34:25,778
Come on, don't be embarrassed. You know,
a lot of girls find intelligence sexy.
621
00:34:25,813 --> 00:34:28,805
Look, I'm not even gonna be showing
this to my professor, all right?
622
00:34:28,849 --> 00:34:31,044
That's why I'm so stressed out right now.
623
00:34:31,085 --> 00:34:33,315
Stressed out, huh?
624
00:34:33,354 --> 00:34:35,254
Come with me.
625
00:34:36,457 --> 00:34:38,789
- going?
- Come on.
626
00:34:40,962 --> 00:34:42,554
What?
627
00:34:47,902 --> 00:34:51,895
You're smoking drugs in the library?
What if somebody catches us?
628
00:34:52,540 --> 00:34:55,168
Don't worry. It'll help you relax.
629
00:34:55,209 --> 00:34:57,677
Oh, boy.
630
00:34:57,712 --> 00:35:00,180
It's illegal.
631
00:35:00,214 --> 00:35:04,947
I want your fish right by me
632
00:35:05,553 --> 00:35:08,454
That's how it has to be
633
00:35:08,489 --> 00:35:09,683
Here.
634
00:35:09,724 --> 00:35:12,318
... copacetic if you let it so set up
635
00:35:12,360 --> 00:35:15,989
And keep the downstream down and the upstream up
636
00:35:17,865 --> 00:35:19,594
This is poison.
637
00:35:19,634 --> 00:35:21,534
My stoney, my baby
638
00:35:21,569 --> 00:35:23,230
Let me help you.
639
00:35:23,271 --> 00:35:25,967
Funk the groovin' thang whistlin'
640
00:35:26,007 --> 00:35:27,634
As I rip my rhymes
641
00:35:27,675 --> 00:35:30,235
Time and time again struttin' and in the summertime
642
00:35:30,278 --> 00:35:32,473
So screw it, strip down and be generic
643
00:35:32,513 --> 00:35:34,947
Strip down and be a passenger
Strip down and be a messenger
644
00:35:34,982 --> 00:35:37,610
In askin' why I'm born I come up blank in the winter
645
00:35:37,652 --> 00:35:40,280
In askin' why I'm born I come up on when I'm on her
646
00:35:40,321 --> 00:35:42,516
It's time to find the kindMy summer, his summer
647
00:35:42,556 --> 00:35:44,148
I'm Kumar.
648
00:35:45,793 --> 00:35:47,090
Vanessa.
649
00:35:47,128 --> 00:35:49,494
You're still not reading that poem.
650
00:35:49,530 --> 00:35:53,489
And then I kiss my stoney baby
651
00:35:53,534 --> 00:35:55,832
My stoney, my stoney
652
00:35:55,870 --> 00:35:58,168
My stoney baby
653
00:35:58,205 --> 00:36:00,765
My stoney
654
00:36:00,808 --> 00:36:02,833
My stoney baby
655
00:36:03,511 --> 00:36:04,773
Kumar.
656
00:36:05,813 --> 00:36:08,941
My stoney baby
657
00:36:08,983 --> 00:36:09,972
Kumar.
658
00:36:10,017 --> 00:36:11,848
Kumar. Kumar.
659
00:36:12,019 --> 00:36:14,255
- Kumar.
- Yeah.
660
00:36:14,255 --> 00:36:17,520
What's going on? We're in Birmingham,
Alabama. Are we supposed to be here?
661
00:36:17,558 --> 00:36:19,719
What's going on?
662
00:36:19,760 --> 00:36:21,887
- Why did you bring us here, dude?
- What do you mean, why did l...
663
00:36:21,929 --> 00:36:25,194
You were supposed to be following the
directions, asshole. What do you mean?
664
00:36:25,232 --> 00:36:27,826
There's got to be like a highway or something, right?
665
00:36:27,868 --> 00:36:30,166
Yeah, there's got to be a highway.
666
00:36:31,105 --> 00:36:32,970
What's going on up there?
667
00:36:33,007 --> 00:36:34,372
Squad up
668
00:36:34,408 --> 00:36:36,035
My niggas
669
00:36:36,077 --> 00:36:37,977
I see some pussy-ass niggas, so what the fuck...
670
00:36:38,012 --> 00:36:40,480
What the hell is this?
671
00:36:40,514 --> 00:36:41,606
We knock these niggas out
672
00:36:41,649 --> 00:36:43,708
I see some pussy-ass niggas,
so what the fuck you wanna do?
673
00:36:43,751 --> 00:36:46,413
- I'm turning around.
- Nah, just go through, man.
674
00:36:47,221 --> 00:36:49,121
Dude, we're not driving through this basketball game.
675
00:36:49,156 --> 00:36:51,784
You know, Roldy, I really thought you were bigger than this.
676
00:36:51,826 --> 00:36:54,158
Dude, I'm not scared 'cause they're black.
677
00:36:54,195 --> 00:36:55,457
I'm scared because they're scary.
678
00:36:55,496 --> 00:36:57,862
And it's not like we got Gregory Hines out there.
679
00:36:57,898 --> 00:36:58,887
They're not that scary.
680
00:37:00,634 --> 00:37:03,194
It's my ball!
681
00:37:03,237 --> 00:37:04,704
Turn around.
682
00:37:04,739 --> 00:37:07,708
Rob this motherfucker, drop his punk ass in a ditch
683
00:37:07,742 --> 00:37:10,643
Drag this pussy nigga, slap his ass up like a bitch
684
00:37:10,678 --> 00:37:12,236
My niggas is my niggas 'cause my niggas...
685
00:37:12,279 --> 00:37:14,611
- Fuck! It won't move!
- Shit, dude.
686
00:37:14,648 --> 00:37:16,115
Shoot him dead between his lips
687
00:37:16,150 --> 00:37:17,242
I see some pussy...
688
00:37:18,252 --> 00:37:19,776
- That's not good.
- Now there's no music, man.
689
00:37:19,820 --> 00:37:21,412
Shit, man.
690
00:37:21,455 --> 00:37:24,390
- Motherfucker!
- My Jordans, nigga!
691
00:37:24,425 --> 00:37:26,290
- Shit, this isn't good.
- This is not good. This is not good.
692
00:37:27,628 --> 00:37:29,858
No. No. No.
693
00:37:29,897 --> 00:37:31,421
They're coming over here.
694
00:37:32,133 --> 00:37:36,399
- Fucking shit. Why did you do that?
- Yeah, I hit a fire hydrant on purpose.
695
00:37:37,405 --> 00:37:39,805
They're getting weapons, man.
696
00:37:39,840 --> 00:37:41,273
All right, what do we do?
What do we do?
697
00:37:41,308 --> 00:37:43,606
Run, run, run. Run, run.
698
00:37:49,016 --> 00:37:51,780
Yo. Yo.
699
00:37:52,686 --> 00:37:55,587
- Where y'all going? Damn!
- We was just trying to help.
700
00:37:55,623 --> 00:37:59,787
Man, somebody call the police.
We need to report this.
701
00:38:14,008 --> 00:38:18,502
- Yeah, that's right. You like the ride?
- Fuck you, man.
702
00:38:18,546 --> 00:38:23,176
They abandoned it last night.
It's registered to a Raza Syed.
703
00:38:23,217 --> 00:38:28,586
The witnesses' description of the driver and
passenger match that of Lee and Patel.
704
00:38:29,890 --> 00:38:33,951
We tried bringing in Syed last night,
but he's already left the country.
705
00:38:35,129 --> 00:38:38,030
Well, they know we're closing in on 'em, that's why.
706
00:38:38,065 --> 00:38:40,659
OK. No, I'll give you a call. All right.
707
00:38:42,403 --> 00:38:44,496
No, no, no, no!
708
00:38:44,538 --> 00:38:45,869
- Holy shit!
- Easy, easy!
709
00:38:45,906 --> 00:38:47,703
- Easy.
- Easy!
710
00:38:47,741 --> 00:38:49,470
This is our witness.
711
00:38:49,510 --> 00:38:51,375
Put it down! Yo, put it down!
712
00:38:51,412 --> 00:38:52,538
You all know I got one!
713
00:38:52,580 --> 00:38:54,241
I got one too!
714
00:38:56,584 --> 00:39:00,816
So, you saw the fugitives, huh?
715
00:39:00,855 --> 00:39:03,415
Yeah. It was like I was telling the Sheriff...
716
00:39:03,457 --> 00:39:07,393
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
How do I know you're telling the truth?
717
00:39:07,428 --> 00:39:09,293
I don't have a reason to lie to you, man.
718
00:39:09,330 --> 00:39:10,695
Really?
719
00:39:10,731 --> 00:39:13,529
- Get up in your face, man.
- We'll see.
720
00:39:13,567 --> 00:39:15,398
That ain't right.
721
00:39:15,436 --> 00:39:17,370
Where's he going?
722
00:39:19,106 --> 00:39:20,801
What's going on?
723
00:39:24,545 --> 00:39:25,534
Hell no!
724
00:39:25,579 --> 00:39:27,911
Now why don't you tell me what really happened?
725
00:39:27,948 --> 00:39:29,813
Is that grape soda?
726
00:39:29,850 --> 00:39:31,715
What the fuck, yo?
727
00:39:34,622 --> 00:39:36,817
- All right.
- Hold on, hold on, hold on!
728
00:39:36,857 --> 00:39:38,290
This is so ignorant.
729
00:39:38,325 --> 00:39:40,316
- Really?
- Yes.
730
00:39:40,361 --> 00:39:42,329
Is this ignorant?
731
00:39:42,363 --> 00:39:44,854
Yo, that's racist, man. That's racist.
732
00:39:44,899 --> 00:39:47,026
Hey, Jon, are you gonna let him do that?
733
00:39:47,801 --> 00:39:50,099
See if he got Kool-Aid.
734
00:39:50,137 --> 00:39:52,037
Almost gone, witness.
735
00:39:52,072 --> 00:39:54,006
Sure there's not something you wanna tell me?
736
00:39:54,041 --> 00:39:55,941
I'm not stoppin' until you crack!
737
00:39:55,976 --> 00:39:57,068
I already told you that they took off runnin'!
738
00:39:57,111 --> 00:39:58,442
All right, all right, all right.
739
00:39:58,479 --> 00:40:01,175
This isn't necessary!
Mr. White is telling you the truth!
740
00:40:01,215 --> 00:40:03,775
Yeah, and how can you be so sure, Beecher?
741
00:40:03,817 --> 00:40:07,253
'Cause he doesn't have a police record.
He's an orthodontist, for Christ's sake.
742
00:40:09,323 --> 00:40:13,589
OK, then, Beech. How do you propose
we find the terrorists, huh?
743
00:40:14,428 --> 00:40:17,295
There was a Nokia 7710 taken from the console.
744
00:40:17,331 --> 00:40:18,593
We have its tracking numbers.
745
00:40:18,632 --> 00:40:21,760
Our satellites are running a trace on it, as we speak.
746
00:40:21,802 --> 00:40:23,861
I'm serious about that Kool-Aid.
747
00:40:23,904 --> 00:40:25,132
What's going on? Where are you?
748
00:40:25,172 --> 00:40:26,571
Dude, that is a fucking long story.
749
00:40:26,607 --> 00:40:29,599
We're actually in Alabama right now, heading to Texas.
750
00:40:31,145 --> 00:40:33,238
What is that sound? Are you jerking off again?
What are you doing?
751
00:40:33,280 --> 00:40:35,578
I'm taking a glorious pee-pee.
752
00:40:35,616 --> 00:40:40,346
Hey, listen, you're not gonna believe this but the
other night, I ended up at that Asian party...
753
00:40:40,387 --> 00:40:42,947
and I schtupped Cindy Kim.
754
00:40:42,990 --> 00:40:44,958
Shut the fuck up. Are you serious?
755
00:40:44,992 --> 00:40:47,119
Yeah, man, she even gave me a blumpkin.
756
00:40:47,161 --> 00:40:48,423
What is a blumpkin?
757
00:40:48,462 --> 00:40:51,556
It's when a girl gives you head while
you're sitting on the toilet takin' a shit.
758
00:40:51,599 --> 00:40:53,226
Really?
759
00:40:53,267 --> 00:40:55,827
- Hello?
- Hey. Hey! What are you doing?
760
00:40:55,869 --> 00:40:58,394
Hello? Come, come?
761
00:41:00,174 --> 00:41:01,607
Did you go?
762
00:41:01,642 --> 00:41:03,109
Yeah, I'm done.
763
00:41:03,143 --> 00:41:06,078
You said to me we were gonna cross swords. You promised.
764
00:41:06,113 --> 00:41:07,910
I'm sorry, sweetheart.
765
00:41:08,949 --> 00:41:12,578
Are you talking on a cellphone when
the government is looking for us?
766
00:41:12,620 --> 00:41:15,111
Dude, it was just Goldstein.
I had something important to tell him.
767
00:41:15,155 --> 00:41:16,918
It's 'cause you had something...
That's good, that's OK.
768
00:41:16,957 --> 00:41:22,520
Nothing is more important than finding a way to get to Texas.
769
00:41:22,563 --> 00:41:23,552
- Do you get it?
- Yes.
770
00:41:23,597 --> 00:41:28,000
We've been walking an entire day and
we have not seen a street sign.
771
00:41:28,035 --> 00:41:29,161
Do you get it?
772
00:41:29,203 --> 00:41:32,468
- Can I say...
- Again. This is... I can't.
773
00:41:32,506 --> 00:41:37,108
Dude, honestly you've got to be a little more
positive about these things, all right?
774
00:41:37,144 --> 00:41:40,409
- Yeah?
- Positive about what? I don't...
775
00:41:40,447 --> 00:41:43,848
First of all, look at this beautiful Alabama landscape, OK?
776
00:41:43,884 --> 00:41:46,978
You don't get shit like this in New Jersey.
777
00:41:47,821 --> 00:41:49,220
God, you...
778
00:41:49,289 --> 00:41:50,756
Hey, look, dude.
779
00:41:50,791 --> 00:41:52,691
It's a baby deer.
780
00:41:53,494 --> 00:41:57,055
- Wow. Man.
- Shit.
781
00:41:59,700 --> 00:42:02,533
Hey. Hey.
782
00:42:02,569 --> 00:42:06,027
Look how cute this deer is, dude.
Not like those asshole deer in New Jersey.
783
00:42:06,073 --> 00:42:07,563
I know, man.
784
00:42:07,608 --> 00:42:10,133
- Hey, buddy.
- Dude, Alabama's awesome.
785
00:42:10,177 --> 00:42:11,974
He likes you.
786
00:42:12,846 --> 00:42:15,474
- Oh, my God!
- No!
787
00:42:18,485 --> 00:42:21,420
Sorry about that. I was in my zone.
788
00:42:24,591 --> 00:42:28,254
What the hell are y'all doing out here in them fancy clothes?
789
00:42:28,295 --> 00:42:30,820
We were on our way to Texas and we got lost.
790
00:42:30,864 --> 00:42:32,354
Texas?
791
00:42:33,467 --> 00:42:35,628
You're a long way from Texas.
792
00:42:35,969 --> 00:42:36,993
No!
793
00:42:40,674 --> 00:42:43,336
Born in '04.
794
00:42:43,377 --> 00:42:45,038
Get in here.
795
00:42:48,348 --> 00:42:51,442
Yeah. The sun's about to go down.
796
00:42:51,485 --> 00:42:55,285
- Y'all need a place to stay? Ya hungry?
- Yeah, sure.
797
00:42:55,322 --> 00:42:57,381
You want to follow me?
798
00:42:58,292 --> 00:42:59,884
Come on.
799
00:43:00,894 --> 00:43:02,885
Maybe we shouldn't.
800
00:43:03,564 --> 00:43:06,294
It's already dead.
You need a hand, dude?
801
00:43:06,934 --> 00:43:09,528
My grandpappy bought this land in 1902.
802
00:43:09,570 --> 00:43:12,038
Very nice, sir.
803
00:43:12,072 --> 00:43:14,302
This place is gonna suck.
804
00:43:18,378 --> 00:43:21,006
Honey, I'm home.
805
00:43:27,521 --> 00:43:28,886
I'm in here.
806
00:43:32,292 --> 00:43:35,193
I wish you'd told me you was bringing guests home.
807
00:43:35,229 --> 00:43:37,094
I'da straightened up in here.
808
00:43:37,131 --> 00:43:39,224
Fellas, this is my wife Raylene.
809
00:43:39,266 --> 00:43:41,894
Raylene, meet Harold and Kumar.
810
00:43:41,935 --> 00:43:43,402
Hello.
811
00:43:43,437 --> 00:43:47,703
Can't shake. I've just got... deer head all over me.
812
00:43:47,741 --> 00:43:50,039
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you boys.
813
00:43:50,077 --> 00:43:52,568
- You just make yourselves at home.
- Thank you.
814
00:43:52,613 --> 00:43:54,171
Honey, something's wrong with that DSL.
815
00:43:54,214 --> 00:43:57,274
Every time I go on the online, it says, "Searching for server."
816
00:43:57,317 --> 00:43:59,182
You try unplugging the AirPort base?
817
00:43:59,219 --> 00:44:01,346
Yeah, I done did that but it didn't work.
818
00:44:01,388 --> 00:44:02,912
What you need to go online fors, anyways?
819
00:44:02,956 --> 00:44:06,084
I was gonna get one of them new portable satellite radios.
820
00:44:06,126 --> 00:44:08,754
What the fuck you need a satellite radio for?
821
00:44:08,796 --> 00:44:11,094
Don't you be cussin' when we got company over.
822
00:44:11,131 --> 00:44:12,257
- Guys.
- Please don't worry about us.
823
00:44:12,299 --> 00:44:13,596
We cuss all the time.
824
00:44:13,634 --> 00:44:14,965
Who do you think you is, hitting me?
825
00:44:15,002 --> 00:44:17,129
Who do you think bought you that Prada bag?
826
00:44:17,171 --> 00:44:19,036
I told you I wanted a Gucci one.
827
00:44:19,072 --> 00:44:20,334
The Gucci bag cost more!
828
00:44:20,374 --> 00:44:22,672
Well, Jan Sapperstein's husband sure could afford it.
829
00:44:22,709 --> 00:44:24,870
Here we go again with Jan Sapperstein.
830
00:44:24,912 --> 00:44:27,176
I don't give a rat's ass what that bitch got.
831
00:44:27,214 --> 00:44:28,476
You be happy with what you have.
832
00:44:28,515 --> 00:44:31,177
What I have is a husband who ain't worth a turd!
833
00:44:31,218 --> 00:44:32,583
You wanna give me shit now?
834
00:44:32,619 --> 00:44:34,678
- That's right!
- After everything I let you buy!
835
00:44:34,721 --> 00:44:36,120
Even look at the credit card bills?
836
00:44:36,156 --> 00:44:38,852
You buy?! Do you think we need another set of golf balls?
837
00:44:38,892 --> 00:44:41,827
- Even worse is the credit card miles.
- Stinky, smelly, motherf...
838
00:44:41,862 --> 00:44:43,659
Guys, we're just gonna get out of here.
839
00:44:43,697 --> 00:44:47,394
Nonsense. Don't be silly.
You're our guests.
840
00:44:47,434 --> 00:44:49,902
You guys have got to stay for supper.
841
00:44:49,937 --> 00:44:51,529
- No, we couldn't. That's...
- No, thank you. We really couldn't...
842
00:44:51,572 --> 00:44:55,975
Of course, we're gonna have to get high first.
843
00:45:19,199 --> 00:45:21,190
We're close.
844
00:45:28,408 --> 00:45:31,036
This is news to me.
I never knew farmers smoked weed.
845
00:45:31,078 --> 00:45:34,536
You ever tried farmin' not high?
It's borin' as shit.
846
00:45:34,581 --> 00:45:36,572
You know, this is great, guys.
847
00:45:36,617 --> 00:45:42,119
I kind of always, you know, sort of assumed
that people from the South were kinda...
848
00:45:42,155 --> 00:45:44,055
A bunch of dumb rednecks?
849
00:45:44,091 --> 00:45:46,719
- No.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's not...
850
00:45:46,760 --> 00:45:50,696
We do try to keep our inbred son in the
basement when we have company.
851
00:45:50,731 --> 00:45:53,063
Guys, I didn't mean it like that. I was just...
852
00:45:57,170 --> 00:45:59,035
Look at their faces!
853
00:46:04,378 --> 00:46:05,367
Fuck, fuck!
854
00:46:05,412 --> 00:46:07,073
Shit, they found us.
They found us. They found us.
855
00:46:07,114 --> 00:46:08,706
- What do you mean, they found you?
- Listen, I'm so sorry. I am so sorry.
856
00:46:08,749 --> 00:46:10,740
Are you boys in some kind of trouble?
857
00:46:10,784 --> 00:46:13,617
All right. This is gonna sound crazy, but, basically...
858
00:46:13,654 --> 00:46:14,916
we were on a plane to Amsterdam...
859
00:46:14,955 --> 00:46:17,617
and we got mistaken for terrorists and
we got sent to GuantĂĄnamo Bay...
860
00:46:17,658 --> 00:46:19,785
and then we escaped and snuck into
America with a bunch of Cubans...
861
00:46:19,826 --> 00:46:21,883
and now we're trying to get to Texas where
there's a guy who can help us out...
862
00:46:21,929 --> 00:46:23,829
and he's getting married to Kumar's ex-girlfriend.
863
00:46:23,864 --> 00:46:25,593
Yes.
864
00:46:26,466 --> 00:46:29,162
OK. That's cool.
865
00:46:29,202 --> 00:46:31,636
- I understand that.
- You do?
866
00:46:31,672 --> 00:46:35,904
Like the government's never screwed
us over before. You know what?
867
00:46:35,943 --> 00:46:38,002
Y'all come down here and hide in the
basement. I will handle this.
868
00:46:38,045 --> 00:46:39,478
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, both.
869
00:46:39,513 --> 00:46:41,481
Thank you, thank you.
870
00:46:50,857 --> 00:46:53,792
OK. This isn't creepy.
871
00:46:57,331 --> 00:46:58,764
What the hell is that?
872
00:47:00,667 --> 00:47:03,363
You're walking towards the creepy music?
873
00:47:03,937 --> 00:47:05,199
Ge...
874
00:47:05,238 --> 00:47:06,796
This song rocks, dude.
875
00:47:13,580 --> 00:47:14,569
Kumar.
876
00:47:21,121 --> 00:47:23,851
Hey, dude, there's a lighter here with a clown on it.
877
00:47:25,325 --> 00:47:26,849
Jesus Christ, there's a fucking monster!
878
00:47:27,627 --> 00:47:28,685
God!
879
00:47:39,773 --> 00:47:42,936
Hey, you don't happen to have a Baby Ruth on you, do you?
880
00:47:42,976 --> 00:47:45,536
No. Why do you need a Baby Ruth?
881
00:47:45,579 --> 00:47:48,514
That's how Chunk won over Sloth in The Goonies.
882
00:47:48,548 --> 00:47:50,482
This thing looks like Sloth?
883
00:47:50,517 --> 00:47:52,678
All I saw was the creature's hand.
884
00:47:52,719 --> 00:47:54,414
The hand looks like Sloth?
885
00:47:54,454 --> 00:47:58,584
The fucking hand of an evil monster,
dude. Like fucking claws and shit.
886
00:47:58,625 --> 00:48:00,422
Shit.
887
00:48:00,460 --> 00:48:04,829
Listen, no matter what, don't let the
creature know that it's ugly, OK?
888
00:48:04,865 --> 00:48:07,766
The last thing that we want to do is
criticize it or make it feel different...
889
00:48:07,801 --> 00:48:10,531
just because it was born with horrible deformities.
890
00:48:21,081 --> 00:48:24,312
Don't worry. I got rid of 'em.
It was just my neighbors.
891
00:48:24,351 --> 00:48:25,375
- There's a fricking Cyclops...
- No, you got...
892
00:48:25,419 --> 00:48:27,478
- in your basement, man!
- a fucking thing, dude!
893
00:48:27,521 --> 00:48:28,715
You met Cyrus.
894
00:48:28,755 --> 00:48:29,949
- Cyrus.
- You named it?
895
00:48:29,990 --> 00:48:31,218
Our son.
896
00:48:31,258 --> 00:48:34,193
You must have woke him up. He was
supposed to be asleep. I'm sorry.
897
00:48:34,227 --> 00:48:38,389
I thought you were joking when you said you had
an inbred son who lives in your basement.
898
00:48:38,432 --> 00:48:40,059
Well, it ain't a joke.
899
00:48:40,100 --> 00:48:43,399
Raylene and I here are siblings, and we get it on.
900
00:48:43,437 --> 00:48:45,735
But that don't mean we ought to be judged.
901
00:48:45,772 --> 00:48:48,536
You boys must be awful tired after
what you've been through.
902
00:48:48,575 --> 00:48:50,008
Come with me, I'll show you to your bed.
903
00:48:50,043 --> 00:48:52,068
You better go back to sleep, boy!
904
00:48:52,112 --> 00:48:55,104
Don't make me come down there and whip your Cyclops ass!
905
00:48:57,417 --> 00:48:59,078
It's tough love.
906
00:48:59,119 --> 00:49:01,110
It's the best way.
907
00:49:18,905 --> 00:49:21,965
I don't know what I was thinking
dating that douchebag Colton.
908
00:49:22,008 --> 00:49:25,307
He is a douchebag.
What were you thinking?
909
00:49:25,345 --> 00:49:29,042
But it was agony pretending his puny, little penis satisfied me.
910
00:49:29,082 --> 00:49:33,644
I bet. I bet you've been missing the
thundercock too, haven't you, baby?
911
00:49:33,687 --> 00:49:35,951
- Yeah.
- Yeah?
912
00:49:35,989 --> 00:49:37,616
Yeah, you've been missing it?
913
00:49:37,657 --> 00:49:38,783
How much?
914
00:49:38,825 --> 00:49:41,726
- A lot.
- I bet.
915
00:49:42,729 --> 00:49:44,526
Well...
916
00:49:44,564 --> 00:49:48,193
- I kind of have this fantasy.
- What is it?
917
00:49:48,235 --> 00:49:52,296
I thought it'd be kinda cool to bring
somebody else in bed with us.
918
00:49:53,507 --> 00:49:55,372
Who?
919
00:49:55,408 --> 00:49:57,137
Hey, baby.
920
00:50:03,850 --> 00:50:05,078
- Yeah!
- Yeah?
921
00:50:05,118 --> 00:50:07,916
- Yeah.
- She's hot, right?
922
00:50:07,954 --> 00:50:08,978
Let's do it.
923
00:50:09,022 --> 00:50:11,513
There's somethingAbout that woman
924
00:50:11,558 --> 00:50:14,959
She's got something you can't live without
925
00:50:14,995 --> 00:50:17,759
Makes your heart sing
926
00:50:17,797 --> 00:50:19,389
Faster, Weedy.
927
00:50:19,432 --> 00:50:21,491
Something about that woman
928
00:50:21,535 --> 00:50:24,993
If you're in doubt then you are missing out
929
00:50:25,038 --> 00:50:27,529
On a good thing
930
00:50:28,542 --> 00:50:30,806
I got to give it up
931
00:50:30,844 --> 00:50:33,574
Teeth, teeth, Weedy, teeth.
932
00:50:36,016 --> 00:50:37,711
- Weedy!
- Yeah?
933
00:50:37,751 --> 00:50:40,618
- Yeah!
- You like that?
934
00:50:49,129 --> 00:50:50,960
Putting it in the ass now, Weedy.
935
00:50:53,967 --> 00:50:54,991
Yeah, how about that?
936
00:50:55,035 --> 00:50:57,094
Something about that woman
937
00:50:57,137 --> 00:51:00,573
She's got something you can't live without
938
00:51:00,607 --> 00:51:02,575
Makes your heart sing
939
00:51:04,311 --> 00:51:07,041
It's just something about that woman
940
00:51:07,080 --> 00:51:10,743
If you're in doubt then you are missing out
941
00:51:10,784 --> 00:51:13,344
On a good thing
942
00:51:14,120 --> 00:51:15,883
I got to give it up
943
00:51:21,861 --> 00:51:23,123
Wow.
944
00:51:28,134 --> 00:51:29,533
Dude.
945
00:51:30,470 --> 00:51:32,631
I just had the most fucked-up nightmare.
946
00:51:32,672 --> 00:51:36,733
Come on, man.
I was having a really hot dream.
947
00:51:36,776 --> 00:51:39,438
Go back to bed, please, dude.
948
00:52:11,311 --> 00:52:14,014
Why did we have to leave?
Their Goonies child was kind of cute.
949
00:52:14,014 --> 00:52:16,539
I don't care. It tried to fucking bite me.
950
00:52:16,583 --> 00:52:21,415
Jesus, every time the two of us try to get anywhere
it's fucking disaster after fucking disaster.
951
00:52:21,454 --> 00:52:23,217
Jesus, dude. Here, you really need a hit of this.
952
00:52:23,256 --> 00:52:25,850
Dude, I don't want a fucking hit!
953
00:52:25,892 --> 00:52:28,190
It's your solution to everything, you know that?
954
00:52:28,228 --> 00:52:31,197
Think about it.
We should be at Colton's already.
955
00:52:31,231 --> 00:52:34,496
Hey, chill, we still have two days to fuck up the wedding.
956
00:52:34,534 --> 00:52:36,593
- What?
- What?
957
00:52:37,103 --> 00:52:38,695
- What?
- What?
958
00:52:39,139 --> 00:52:43,473
That's what this is all about, isn't it?
You want to fuck up the wedding.
959
00:52:43,510 --> 00:52:46,843
It's not fucking funny, Kumar.
It's not fucking funny!
960
00:52:47,280 --> 00:52:49,373
Colton is the only guy that can help us out at this point.
961
00:52:49,416 --> 00:52:52,044
I can't believe... I cannot believe
you're willing to fuck that up!
962
00:52:52,085 --> 00:52:53,985
I just hate that fucking asshole, OK?
963
00:52:54,020 --> 00:52:56,784
Yeah? I like him better than I like you right now.
964
00:52:56,823 --> 00:52:59,018
- Really?
- Yeah.
965
00:52:59,059 --> 00:53:01,050
You know what he got me? A job.
966
00:53:01,094 --> 00:53:05,030
You know what you got me?
Thrown into Guantanamo Bay.
967
00:53:05,065 --> 00:53:06,760
- Your job sucks.
- Admit it.
968
00:53:06,800 --> 00:53:09,633
You're jealous because Vanessa found
somebody better than you.
969
00:53:09,669 --> 00:53:11,227
What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
970
00:53:11,271 --> 00:53:13,865
Better than you! Let me think.
971
00:53:13,907 --> 00:53:17,399
Potential future president, or unemployed pothead?
972
00:53:17,444 --> 00:53:19,969
Tough. That's tough.
That's a tough one for her, isn't it?
973
00:53:20,013 --> 00:53:24,080
Yeah, well at least Vanessa's not in Amsterdam
getting plowed by a bunch of European dudes.
974
00:53:25,152 --> 00:53:25,856
What?
975
00:53:25,856 --> 00:53:28,320
Do you really think Maria's saving herself for you, dude?
976
00:53:28,355 --> 00:53:31,416
Right now, she's probably got two uncircumcised
dicks dangling in front of her throat.
977
00:53:31,458 --> 00:53:34,916
You know what she's gonna do with them?
Down 'em into her tonsils?
978
00:53:39,299 --> 00:53:41,392
Fucking dick.
979
00:53:44,704 --> 00:53:47,070
- That's my hat.
- That was my hat, bro.
980
00:53:49,442 --> 00:53:51,103
Maria, Maria, Maria, Maria.
981
00:53:51,511 --> 00:53:53,001
Asshole!
982
00:53:53,046 --> 00:53:55,879
Don't you dare say a fucking word about my angel!
983
00:53:58,351 --> 00:54:00,182
What the fuck was that?
984
00:54:00,220 --> 00:54:02,279
Get up. Get up!
985
00:54:02,322 --> 00:54:04,290
Fuck you.
986
00:54:13,500 --> 00:54:15,092
Shit.
987
00:54:18,638 --> 00:54:21,573
Isn't that a KKK bonfire?
988
00:54:21,608 --> 00:54:22,768
Yeah.
989
00:54:24,144 --> 00:54:26,044
Yeah, I think it is.
990
00:54:26,846 --> 00:54:29,041
Maybe we should get the fuck out of here.
991
00:54:29,082 --> 00:54:31,107
Yeah. Yeah, dude.
992
00:54:31,151 --> 00:54:33,483
Let's do that.
993
00:54:36,456 --> 00:54:39,289
The other day, caught a rerun of that show Becker.
994
00:54:39,325 --> 00:54:40,758
You know that show?
995
00:54:40,794 --> 00:54:44,230
Yeah, that's the one with that Jew, Ted Danson.
996
00:54:44,264 --> 00:54:47,700
That blond negro they got on there, he had me in stitches.
997
00:54:47,734 --> 00:54:49,292
He's actually pretty funny.
998
00:54:49,335 --> 00:54:51,565
Really? You think so?
999
00:54:51,604 --> 00:54:54,402
I'm not saying I wouldn't lynch the guy, but...
1000
00:54:54,441 --> 00:54:57,239
his timing, it's priceless.
1001
00:54:57,977 --> 00:55:00,275
Hold up a second.
1002
00:55:00,313 --> 00:55:02,975
I gotta go drain the main vein.
1003
00:55:19,966 --> 00:55:22,161
I'll tell ya, Travis...
1004
00:55:22,202 --> 00:55:24,568
when it comes to feeling good...
1005
00:55:24,604 --> 00:55:27,630
I'd rate pissin' right up there with comin' and shittin'.
1006
00:55:29,676 --> 00:55:31,234
I like to do all three.
1007
00:55:31,277 --> 00:55:32,505
Yeah, I hear ya.
1008
00:55:34,714 --> 00:55:37,808
Kenny, come on, man.
Hurry the fuck up.
1009
00:55:38,751 --> 00:55:42,152
You were the one who made me drink that third beer.
1010
00:55:42,188 --> 00:55:44,622
Hold your horses, peckerwood.
1011
00:55:45,492 --> 00:55:47,892
Gross! You fucking pissed on me!
1012
00:55:47,927 --> 00:55:50,225
- You racist fuck!
- What the heck?
1013
00:55:57,003 --> 00:55:59,028
What the nigger was that?
1014
00:56:01,074 --> 00:56:03,668
This is fucked. We are fucked.
1015
00:56:03,710 --> 00:56:05,610
Kenny. Travis.
1016
00:56:07,146 --> 00:56:09,808
What in the tarnation you guys doin'?
1017
00:56:09,849 --> 00:56:12,010
Good, you brought the keg.
Lug that thing over.
1018
00:56:12,051 --> 00:56:13,416
- Let's go! Come on!
- Come on!
1019
00:56:13,453 --> 00:56:15,717
Let's go, come on!
1020
00:56:27,033 --> 00:56:29,763
Yeah, then you put little onions on 'em
and you steam 'em, they're awesome.
1021
00:56:29,802 --> 00:56:35,032
Roldy, dude, I'd never thought I'd say this in a million
years but the Klan really knows how to party.
1022
00:56:35,074 --> 00:56:36,905
You gotta try these dogs.
1023
00:56:36,943 --> 00:56:37,932
- Really?
- Oh, yeah.
1024
00:56:37,977 --> 00:56:40,673
Really know how to... the Klan knows how to party?
1025
00:56:40,713 --> 00:56:42,738
- Dude, we've got to get out of here!
- Jeez, all right, dude, relax.
1026
00:56:42,782 --> 00:56:46,240
All right, y'all! Come on over here
and we'll sit around the campfire.
1027
00:56:46,286 --> 00:56:48,754
- Shit, what do we do?
- Let's go sit down.
1028
00:56:48,788 --> 00:56:50,016
Rufus. Next to them marshmallows...
1029
00:56:50,056 --> 00:56:52,286
- and the graham crackers.
- Everybody sit down.
1030
00:56:52,325 --> 00:56:54,850
Best s'mores we've had in a long time...
1031
00:56:54,894 --> 00:56:57,089
that's what I'm talking about,
that's what I'm talking about.
1032
00:56:57,130 --> 00:57:03,528
Now. Now I want each one of y'all to tell
me somethin'... Porch monkey, kike!
1033
00:57:03,570 --> 00:57:06,471
that you did to a minority this week. Yeah.
1034
00:57:06,506 --> 00:57:10,871
I tripped a beaner while I was walking down
the stairs at the Wal-Mart the other day.
1035
00:57:11,978 --> 00:57:13,741
Guy crashed into a bunch of wine bottles.
1036
00:57:14,480 --> 00:57:16,607
They made him pay for 'em! Yeah!
1037
00:57:19,352 --> 00:57:21,149
All right, all right, let's all calm down.
1038
00:57:21,187 --> 00:57:24,213
White power here, white power here, white power here.
1039
00:57:25,191 --> 00:57:27,056
Giving him what he deserves.
1040
00:57:27,093 --> 00:57:28,390
Hebe!
1041
00:57:30,396 --> 00:57:32,887
All right, I'm back. Next.
1042
00:57:32,932 --> 00:57:35,059
It better be good. Here.
1043
00:57:39,205 --> 00:57:41,469
Come on, dude, say something.
1044
00:57:43,876 --> 00:57:45,673
You know what?
1045
00:57:47,347 --> 00:57:49,338
I did knee an Indian guy in the balls.
1046
00:57:49,382 --> 00:57:50,406
That's funny!
1047
00:57:52,085 --> 00:57:54,417
Yeah, send them Indians back to Africa.
1048
00:57:54,487 --> 00:57:58,583
Well, you want to hear something real
fucked-up and awesome that I did?
1049
00:57:58,625 --> 00:58:03,358
I took a Korean guy's toothbrush
and I rubbed it all over my dick.
1050
00:58:03,396 --> 00:58:07,332
- You did that?
- Well, that's just downright disgustin'.
1051
00:58:07,367 --> 00:58:09,130
- But I like it!
- Yeah!
1052
00:58:10,303 --> 00:58:12,601
Yeah, I love bein' white.
1053
00:58:13,840 --> 00:58:16,775
- What the...
- Look what we got us here, brothers.
1054
00:58:20,146 --> 00:58:22,341
Mexicans!
1055
00:58:22,382 --> 00:58:25,044
Lynch 'em!
1056
00:58:25,084 --> 00:58:26,346
Come on, come on! Come on!
1057
00:58:29,122 --> 00:58:32,285
Come on, boys, let's chase them back to the border!
1058
00:58:33,726 --> 00:58:34,715
Pussy fart!
1059
00:58:37,530 --> 00:58:39,964
Holy shit!
1060
00:58:39,999 --> 00:58:41,933
Should we put it out or what?
1061
00:58:44,237 --> 00:58:46,102
Are they still behind us?
1062
00:58:46,139 --> 00:58:49,131
I don't think so.
Dude, the Klan is fucking slow.
1063
00:58:51,878 --> 00:58:54,278
Hey, flag down this car.
1064
00:58:54,313 --> 00:58:57,009
Help! Help! Help!
1065
00:58:58,518 --> 00:59:00,884
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
1066
00:59:02,221 --> 00:59:03,449
Yeah
1067
00:59:03,489 --> 00:59:04,956
Thanks for stopping.
1068
00:59:04,991 --> 00:59:05,980
You better check yo self
1069
00:59:06,025 --> 00:59:07,287
No problem.
1070
00:59:07,326 --> 00:59:09,055
'Cause I'm bad for your health, I come real stealth
1071
00:59:09,095 --> 00:59:10,585
Neil?
1072
00:59:10,630 --> 00:59:13,155
Gary and Kumar!
1073
00:59:13,199 --> 00:59:14,257
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
1074
00:59:14,300 --> 00:59:15,289
Harold. Harold.
1075
00:59:15,334 --> 00:59:16,824
Sorry, man. I forgot.
1076
00:59:19,038 --> 00:59:21,165
What are you doing here, man?
1077
00:59:21,207 --> 00:59:24,665
This is where God took me.
What are you guys doing out here?
1078
00:59:24,711 --> 00:59:27,202
We're actually trying to get to Texas.
1079
00:59:27,246 --> 00:59:28,611
That's where I'm headed!
1080
00:59:30,149 --> 00:59:31,138
What are the odds?
1081
00:59:32,051 --> 00:59:33,040
Let's get out of here.
1082
00:59:33,086 --> 00:59:34,644
- All right.
- Thank you.
1083
00:59:35,321 --> 00:59:36,310
Shrooms?
1084
00:59:36,355 --> 00:59:38,653
- No. Thanks, though.
- No, thank you.
1085
00:59:38,691 --> 00:59:40,522
Suit yourself.
1086
00:59:45,198 --> 00:59:47,223
Gentlemen, start your engines.
1087
00:59:48,034 --> 00:59:50,366
It's gonna be a bumpy fuckin' ride.
1088
00:59:50,403 --> 00:59:52,303
'Cause shotgun bullets are bad for your health
1089
00:59:57,210 --> 00:59:59,678
We found their phone.
1090
01:00:00,546 --> 01:00:03,174
Lee and Patel made a phone call to you.
1091
01:00:05,051 --> 01:00:07,246
Now tell us everything you know about their terrorist plot.
1092
01:00:07,286 --> 01:00:10,312
Terrorist plot? Rold and Kumar?
1093
01:00:10,356 --> 01:00:12,586
This is ridiculous.
1094
01:00:12,625 --> 01:00:15,185
OK, fine. Fine.
1095
01:00:15,228 --> 01:00:17,788
Mr. Rosenberg.
1096
01:00:17,830 --> 01:00:20,663
Mr. Gold-stein.
1097
01:00:21,601 --> 01:00:23,694
We'll do it your way.
1098
01:00:27,540 --> 01:00:30,771
What's this? What do we have here?
1099
01:00:57,670 --> 01:00:59,365
It's about seven dollars?
1100
01:00:59,405 --> 01:01:01,066
Look, don't insult us, all right?
1101
01:01:01,107 --> 01:01:05,339
I don't know what the hell is going on here but I'm
pleading the Fifth until I speak to my lawyer.
1102
01:01:05,378 --> 01:01:07,642
You're pleading the Fifth, huh?
1103
01:01:08,781 --> 01:01:10,749
Beecher, give me a copy of the Bill of Rights.
1104
01:01:10,783 --> 01:01:12,307
The Bill of Rights? Why?
1105
01:01:12,351 --> 01:01:14,410
Just do it!
1106
01:01:14,453 --> 01:01:16,387
Excuse me.
1107
01:01:18,624 --> 01:01:19,613
Five, right?
1108
01:01:19,659 --> 01:01:20,956
- Five alive.
- Sure.
1109
01:01:20,993 --> 01:01:23,553
OK. OK. Good.
1110
01:01:25,965 --> 01:01:29,332
You wanna know what I think about the Fifth Amendment?
1111
01:01:36,843 --> 01:01:38,276
There it is.
1112
01:01:44,951 --> 01:01:47,784
That's what I think of the Fifth Amendment.
1113
01:01:50,723 --> 01:01:53,419
Why the hell is your ass so dirty?
Don't you wipe?
1114
01:01:53,459 --> 01:01:57,020
Don't ask questions you don't want the answer to, buddy.
1115
01:01:57,063 --> 01:01:58,052
What do ya got?
1116
01:01:58,097 --> 01:02:01,157
Turns out the FBI was already tapping Mr. Goldstein's phone.
1117
01:02:01,200 --> 01:02:02,963
- We got what we need.
- Wait a second.
1118
01:02:03,002 --> 01:02:05,334
You were tapping my phone?
1119
01:02:05,371 --> 01:02:06,360
You want to hear the tape?
1120
01:02:06,405 --> 01:02:10,637
No. I'm sick of listening to this dirt farmer. What's the upshot?
1121
01:02:10,676 --> 01:02:13,144
Lee and Patel are on their way to Texas as we speak.
1122
01:02:14,180 --> 01:02:15,340
I knew they'd trip up.
1123
01:02:15,381 --> 01:02:19,181
Ready the plane. These fuckers are goin' down.
1124
01:02:26,225 --> 01:02:29,854
Neil, can you just focus on driving?
You've had... Focus on the road.
1125
01:02:29,896 --> 01:02:32,456
You've had dozens of shrooms, my friend.
1126
01:02:33,132 --> 01:02:36,226
Dude, I was able to perform an appendectomy at age 14.
1127
01:02:36,269 --> 01:02:39,432
I think I can handle a couple mushrooms.
1128
01:02:39,472 --> 01:02:42,999
- Wasn't that just a TV show?
- Jesus Christ!
1129
01:02:43,042 --> 01:02:45,840
Did you see that unicorn?
1130
01:02:45,878 --> 01:02:47,641
lts horn was so shiny.
1131
01:02:48,648 --> 01:02:52,140
So, why are you guys headed to Texas?
1132
01:02:52,184 --> 01:02:55,085
Let's just say my ex-girlfriend's getting married.
1133
01:02:58,324 --> 01:03:00,292
The one that got away, huh?
1134
01:03:00,326 --> 01:03:01,987
Yep.
1135
01:03:02,028 --> 01:03:04,019
Sounds to me like you need a drink.
1136
01:03:04,864 --> 01:03:07,162
Road. Neil, please, can you pay attention...
1137
01:03:07,199 --> 01:03:09,133
Dude, I've got it!
1138
01:03:09,168 --> 01:03:12,069
- Yeah, but...
- He's a good driver. Stop.
1139
01:03:12,104 --> 01:03:15,164
Thanks, man. Cheers, dude.
1140
01:03:15,207 --> 01:03:16,333
Really? Drinking?
1141
01:03:23,683 --> 01:03:25,742
I have a lost-love story of my own.
1142
01:03:25,785 --> 01:03:26,774
Yeah?
1143
01:03:27,486 --> 01:03:29,750
Happened on the set of Clara's Heart.
1144
01:03:29,789 --> 01:03:31,279
Sure, sure, yeah.
1145
01:03:31,324 --> 01:03:34,816
I'll never forget her.
Her name was Tashonda.
1146
01:03:34,860 --> 01:03:36,691
She was Whoopi Goldberg's stand-in.
1147
01:03:36,729 --> 01:03:40,722
Her skin was so soft, her lips were so sweet.
1148
01:03:41,834 --> 01:03:46,737
She had these tiny, little Hershey Kiss nipples...
1149
01:03:47,506 --> 01:03:50,634
that you just wanted to suck on all night long.
1150
01:03:51,143 --> 01:03:54,408
Anyway, last day of shooting, I told her.
1151
01:03:54,447 --> 01:03:56,210
I said...
1152
01:03:56,248 --> 01:03:59,979
"T-Bird, we're gonna have to break up."
1153
01:04:00,019 --> 01:04:01,611
Why did you do that?
1154
01:04:02,588 --> 01:04:05,523
I didn't think I could take on that kind of responsibility.
1155
01:04:07,126 --> 01:04:10,118
It was such a big mistake.
1156
01:04:10,162 --> 01:04:14,863
Why? I mean, with T-Bird gone couldn't you
have sex with whoever you wanted?
1157
01:04:14,900 --> 01:04:16,094
Let me be clear.
1158
01:04:16,135 --> 01:04:18,000
There is nothing on the planet...
1159
01:04:18,037 --> 01:04:20,335
that I love more than a hot, new pussy.
1160
01:04:20,373 --> 01:04:21,897
- Sure.
- Nothing.
1161
01:04:21,941 --> 01:04:24,034
What does the P.H. stands for in N.P.H.?
1162
01:04:25,311 --> 01:04:26,403
Patrick Harris.
1163
01:04:26,445 --> 01:04:29,073
No, common mistake. Poon handler.
1164
01:04:29,982 --> 01:04:31,643
The point is, boys...
1165
01:04:31,684 --> 01:04:36,280
even though I love havin' sex with some hot, random trim...
1166
01:04:36,322 --> 01:04:41,282
a day hasn't gone by where I haven't thought of Tashonda.
1167
01:04:42,161 --> 01:04:47,463
Every time I see a bag of Hershey's Kisses,
my balls get so wet.
1168
01:04:52,538 --> 01:04:54,563
Here's to you, Tashonda.
1169
01:04:55,274 --> 01:04:58,903
- I hope you kept the baby.
- Wow.
1170
01:05:24,870 --> 01:05:27,964
Free on my own
1171
01:05:28,007 --> 01:05:31,067
That's the way I used to be
1172
01:05:31,110 --> 01:05:32,668
But since I met you, baby
1173
01:05:32,711 --> 01:05:34,872
Hey, honey.
What's up?
1174
01:05:34,914 --> 01:05:37,542
I found something in your purse.
1175
01:05:38,417 --> 01:05:39,884
Why would you go through my purse?
1176
01:05:39,919 --> 01:05:41,580
Why would you have a joint...
1177
01:05:41,620 --> 01:05:44,714
when you know it could ruin my political career?
1178
01:05:44,757 --> 01:05:45,815
I'm sorry.
1179
01:05:45,858 --> 01:05:50,124
What with all the wedding plans,
I've just been a little stressed.
1180
01:05:50,162 --> 01:05:52,096
It helps me relax?
1181
01:05:52,131 --> 01:05:55,589
Marijuana is illegal, Vanessa.
1182
01:05:55,634 --> 01:05:57,465
Now, I thought that part of your life was in the past.
1183
01:05:57,503 --> 01:05:59,937
- It is.
- Good.
1184
01:06:01,307 --> 01:06:02,399
That's all I need to hear.
1185
01:06:05,044 --> 01:06:07,842
Hey, baby.
1186
01:06:07,880 --> 01:06:11,213
Look, I know things can be hectic with the wedding.
1187
01:06:11,250 --> 01:06:15,619
But, you know, if you get stressed out, just do what I do.
1188
01:06:15,654 --> 01:06:17,679
Snort Zoloft, OK?
1189
01:06:25,297 --> 01:06:27,595
What the fuck?
1190
01:06:27,633 --> 01:06:28,622
Shit.
1191
01:06:28,667 --> 01:06:32,125
Dude, they set up a fucking roadblock!
They're gonna find us.
1192
01:06:32,171 --> 01:06:33,340
What are you talking about?
1193
01:06:33,440 --> 01:06:36,201
Neil, I don't know how to say this any
other way, man, but we're fugitives.
1194
01:06:36,242 --> 01:06:37,834
Cool.
1195
01:06:39,178 --> 01:06:41,476
OK, well, we've got to find a way to get out of this.
1196
01:06:41,514 --> 01:06:43,141
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Please.
1197
01:06:43,182 --> 01:06:47,084
You act like I've never smuggled a
fugitive across state lines before.
1198
01:06:47,119 --> 01:06:49,417
Here. Hide in that.
1199
01:06:49,455 --> 01:06:51,821
Sorry. It's a little sticky.
1200
01:06:54,226 --> 01:06:56,023
Shit.
1201
01:07:00,900 --> 01:07:02,390
Yeah.
1202
01:07:04,603 --> 01:07:06,764
What the... When were you gonna show me these?
1203
01:07:15,014 --> 01:07:16,948
Excuse me.
1204
01:07:17,716 --> 01:07:18,876
Wait, Officer!
1205
01:07:19,818 --> 01:07:22,252
- Shit.
- Hold that car!
1206
01:07:36,202 --> 01:07:40,138
Neil Patrick Harris.
1207
01:07:41,440 --> 01:07:42,464
Yo.
1208
01:07:44,410 --> 01:07:47,709
It is an honor to meet you, sir.
1209
01:07:47,746 --> 01:07:50,237
Yeah. I would imagine so.
1210
01:07:52,284 --> 01:08:01,125
I'm sure you get this all the time but your part in
Starship Troopers truly, truly changed my life.
1211
01:08:01,160 --> 01:08:02,457
Really?
1212
01:08:02,494 --> 01:08:04,291
How?
1213
01:08:04,330 --> 01:08:09,529
Well, no one thought the war against the
arachnids of Klendathu could be won.
1214
01:08:09,568 --> 01:08:11,001
- But you showed the starship troopers...
- Neil!
1215
01:08:11,036 --> 01:08:12,970
that those bugs could be destroyed.
1216
01:08:14,740 --> 01:08:19,473
A lot of people think the war on terror
is a war that can't be won, right?
1217
01:08:20,779 --> 01:08:23,339
That's why I joined the Department of Homeland Security.
1218
01:08:23,382 --> 01:08:28,012
My friend, two words.
Starship fuckin' Troopers.
1219
01:08:28,053 --> 01:08:32,251
If you want to know the secret of being,
you will come with us.
1220
01:08:33,592 --> 01:08:35,617
Please. I really need to go.
1221
01:08:35,661 --> 01:08:39,529
Yeah, of course. I'm so sorry to bother you. You move along.
1222
01:08:42,735 --> 01:08:44,703
Bye.
1223
01:08:45,337 --> 01:08:46,702
I love you.
1224
01:08:49,942 --> 01:08:51,773
I love you too, Mr. Patrick Harris.
1225
01:08:53,279 --> 01:08:54,439
What the...
1226
01:09:01,854 --> 01:09:03,617
Holy fucking shit, that was awesome.
1227
01:09:04,623 --> 01:09:06,716
Try having that conversation on shrooms.
1228
01:09:06,759 --> 01:09:08,624
I deserve an Oscar for that performance.
1229
01:09:08,661 --> 01:09:09,650
- You do!
- Dudes...
1230
01:09:09,695 --> 01:09:11,560
I'm gonna take a little detour on the way, all right?
1231
01:09:11,597 --> 01:09:12,586
- No.
- Neil, no.
1232
01:09:12,631 --> 01:09:13,620
But we're almost there, man.
1233
01:09:13,666 --> 01:09:15,793
- No buts. No buts!
- What do you do...
1234
01:09:15,834 --> 01:09:18,769
I'm going to a whorehouse and I'm gonna get my fuck on.
1235
01:09:18,804 --> 01:09:23,332
If you two don't want to get your
dicks wet, that's fine with me.
1236
01:09:24,043 --> 01:09:26,170
I'll get my dick wet.
1237
01:09:32,251 --> 01:09:36,551
Don't need nothin' but a good time
1238
01:09:36,588 --> 01:09:39,216
How can I resist?
1239
01:09:39,258 --> 01:09:43,194
Ain't lookin' for nothin' but a good time
1240
01:09:43,228 --> 01:09:47,062
And it don't get better than this
1241
01:09:47,566 --> 01:09:50,933
Pussy, I'm home!
1242
01:09:50,969 --> 01:09:52,436
Hello?
1243
01:09:53,238 --> 01:09:58,403
Well, well, well. I thought you'd never
show your face around here again.
1244
01:09:58,444 --> 01:10:01,208
What's the matter, Sally? I thought
I was one of your top customers.
1245
01:10:01,246 --> 01:10:04,340
Have you forgotten what happened
the last time you were here?
1246
01:10:05,150 --> 01:10:07,618
Because of you, my best girl quit.
1247
01:10:07,653 --> 01:10:09,450
Hey, I paid her good money.
1248
01:10:09,488 --> 01:10:11,115
It's not my fault she didn't lube up.
1249
01:10:11,690 --> 01:10:14,853
Besides, I bring you new customers.
1250
01:10:14,893 --> 01:10:18,021
- New customers?
- No, Neil, that's all.
1251
01:10:18,063 --> 01:10:20,088
Thank you. Thank you.
Appreciate it. Appreciate it.
1252
01:10:20,132 --> 01:10:22,362
Sally. Bring on the lineup.
1253
01:10:25,104 --> 01:10:27,095
Line up in the chutes, girls.
1254
01:10:27,139 --> 01:10:29,972
Longhorns coming through.
1255
01:10:30,008 --> 01:10:31,100
Neil.
1256
01:10:35,047 --> 01:10:37,880
Bigger. Bigger. Bigger. Bigger.
1257
01:10:37,916 --> 01:10:39,781
Hello, ba...
1258
01:10:40,919 --> 01:10:43,683
- What's your name, miss?
- Tits Hemingway.
1259
01:10:43,722 --> 01:10:45,280
How'd you come up with that?
1260
01:10:45,324 --> 01:10:47,258
Well, I have huge tits.
1261
01:10:47,292 --> 01:10:49,692
And my favorite book is A Moveable Feast.
1262
01:10:49,728 --> 01:10:52,288
I guess that makes sense, yeah.
1263
01:10:52,331 --> 01:10:53,889
Well, I hope you're ready for me, Tits...
1264
01:10:53,932 --> 01:10:57,999
'cause I'm gonna rock out with my cock out and
you're gonna jam out with your clam out.
1265
01:10:58,036 --> 01:10:59,731
It's gonna be magical.
1266
01:11:00,639 --> 01:11:02,573
- The whores are on me, fellas.
- No, Neil...
1267
01:11:02,608 --> 01:11:04,405
- thank you, but we... that's...
- Thanks, dude.
1268
01:11:04,443 --> 01:11:09,345
Screw that, Roldy. I don't know about you but, no offense
to the rest of you ladies, I am gonna be taking you two.
1269
01:11:09,548 --> 01:11:12,016
No, Kumar. Kumar!
1270
01:11:12,050 --> 01:11:13,540
Roldy, you're missing out, brother.
1271
01:11:14,453 --> 01:11:16,478
Yo, we need to get back on the road, buddy.
1272
01:11:16,522 --> 01:11:17,955
We need...
1273
01:11:21,460 --> 01:11:24,395
Well, now, you know, we also supply...
1274
01:11:24,430 --> 01:11:28,059
in-room films or a magazine.
1275
01:11:30,068 --> 01:11:32,696
Well, if you'd like some self-satisfaction...
1276
01:11:32,738 --> 01:11:34,831
we do have some...
1277
01:11:36,575 --> 01:11:38,941
electronic devices right over there.
1278
01:11:42,381 --> 01:11:44,975
Just have some coffee. Yeah?
1279
01:11:45,017 --> 01:11:47,850
Why don't you lie on the bed?
1280
01:11:47,886 --> 01:11:50,377
And tell us what you want us to do.
1281
01:11:50,422 --> 01:11:52,788
OK. OK.
1282
01:11:54,126 --> 01:11:55,753
Well...
1283
01:11:57,296 --> 01:11:59,127
how about...
1284
01:12:00,132 --> 01:12:02,600
How about you take off your clothes
and make out with each other?
1285
01:12:02,634 --> 01:12:05,034
- We've done that before.
- We can do that.
1286
01:12:05,070 --> 01:12:06,162
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
1287
01:12:06,205 --> 01:12:07,968
Pussy real good
1288
01:12:08,006 --> 01:12:09,667
That pussyPussy real good
1289
01:12:09,708 --> 01:12:12,040
That pussyThat pussy off the chain
1290
01:12:12,077 --> 01:12:14,238
That pussyGo on and do yo thang
1291
01:12:14,279 --> 01:12:16,611
That pussyPussy real good