Original subtitles

Throughout history, humans have had a primal instinct to hunt,

to compete, to dominate.

Initially, survival was a daily necessity.

Kill or be killed. There was no choice.

And through these battles, through all the aggression

against the opposition, a respect developed.

An unexpected camaraderie was born.

And around the world, brotherhoods were forged.

But now that we're civilized and spoiled

by the luxuries of the modern world,

those instincts have been dulled.

However, that primal need to dominate remains.

Even today, people around the world need an outlet,

an arena to crush the competition.

And I'm not talking about fantasy football.

I'm talking about real competition.

Blood, sweat, and beer.

This is the story about my group of friends.

And for the last 20 years, we found that outlet

to unleash our need to conquer, to win,

to be crowned king,

and to ruthlessly demoralize our best buddies.

But at the end of the day, we are lifelong friends,

and nothing could come between our brotherhood.

Well, almost nothing.

Where are you?

Oh, okay.

Oh, okay. Get some.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Fuck you!

Fuck!

Damn it!

Ow! Fuck! Aaah! Aaah! Stop!

Fucking stop shooting! Aaah!

Too much!

Oh, fuck.

Yeah!

- Who's the king? - You're the king!

I want to say a couple words here.

I should not be standing here

collecting another championship,

but I am, thanks to guys like Doc.

I had you, Shelly. I had you.

You had me dead in the fucking water,

- I did, Shelly. - right there by the tree stump,

and then you... what happened? You panicked, right? You spazzed out?

That is a good quality in a doctor, you must admit.

Your patients are very lucky. We'll let it go, and Zane...

- That's my name! - "In Zane" in the membrane.

You idiot. You're such an idiot.

This fucking guy!

And, Durfy, I was really hoping you'd win, man.

- Oh, thank you. - 'Cause I wanted to go down on the champion.

Since I'm the champion, you can go down on me.

- Yeah, I'll start now. - Ooh! Ooh, ooh!

It's "ding!" Like a bullet off Superman. That's what that was.

Where's big Bob? Big Bob! Bobfather!

- Yes! - The man we owe it all to.

The man who put all this shit together.

- Bobby, thank you. I love you, brother. - Love you too, buddy.

And last but not least, Dixon Bender "like Beckham."

Get over here, Bender. Bender,

I, uh, I've won, uh,

six championships in six years.

What do you have to say about that?

- Well, Shelly, I... - Oh, we're all out of time.

So sorry, Bender. Love you, Bobby!

- Whoo! - I need a beer.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Bender, I'm sorry, man. I'm sorry about earlier.

I was just trying to make sure you were actually dead, you know.

Well, you did. You shot me, like, 30 times, Shelly.

- Thirty times. You painted a fucking house. - Yeah.

It hurt.

Aw, sweet, sweet Bender. Come on.

Come on over here. You didn't deserve that.

- I'll never do it again, okay? - All right.

- You hear me? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

'Cause you are the toughest son of a bitch I know,

and you wear your heart on your shoe.

Aaah! Fuck!

You can be such an asshole, dude. Fuck!

- You're 33? - Yeah.

- Wow! - You're so good looking for an older guy.

- Yeah! Totally. - I am not.

- Yeah, you are. - No, I'm not.

You look like a movie star.

You seriously think I look like a movie star?

Yeah, totally!

- You're hot! - Wow, thank you!

- What do you do? - Oh, I operate a backhoe.

I dig a lot of, uh, sewer mains and cesspools.

It's, uh, anywhere where waste generally dissipates into the soil.

- Like poo? Oh. - Mm-hmm.

Pretty good job.

Your grandparents let you throw parties like this here?

- Yeah. Yeah. - Really?

Well, every summer, last 15 years.

- Oh, my... - Hello! Who's this beautiful lady?

- Hi, I'm Tiff. - Tiff?

Tiff, do you know who this is?

- That's Bob. - This is Bob.

Bob is the bestest, sweetest son of a bitch

- in the whole, wide world. - Are you gonna kiss me on the lips?

I'm gonna kiss you right on your lips, you big, handsome...

- You guys should kiss. - I love this guy.

Okay. Nikki calls.

Jesus Christ.

Careful...

Hey, who's got my bucket?

There you are, baby.

Sheldon Baldinger.

Why, Nikki Baldinger? Hi, wifey.

I think it's time we have a little chat.

Yeah? What do you want to talk about?

I think it's time for my big, strong champion

to take his trophy... inside.

- Shelly! Shelly! We got a sleeper. Right there. - Dude.

Mark did a bunch of absinthe. He's basically in a coma.

So fire up the nut sac.

Time for the old meat goggles.

Rain check, babe. I'm sorry. I can't disappoint my fans.

Whoo! Who wants some balls and gravy?

Balls! Balls! Balls! Balls! Balls! Balls!

Ugh.

Unbelievable. Look at this guy.

Why do I do this? Every year, I get dragged down to these things.

Bunch of grown men acting like teenage chimps.

Yeah, they're animals.

Poor Mark's passed out. Now he has balls smeared all over his forehead.

He's a schoolteacher.

It's a good thing Mark's students aren't here.

All he cares about is work

and beating his buddies at the Buddy Games, especially you, Bender.

I haven't showered for three days!

Why don't you teach him a lesson?

From us. Come on. It'll be fun.

- What, shoot him? I can't do that. - Okay.

Two for one. Two nuts, one guy.

Look familiar, Bender?

- What if I did? - Yeah, do it.

Left hook. Uppercut.

Body blow. Aaah!

What?

Shel! Shelly!

Bender, you fucked him up real good, man.

Jesus Christ, what am I looking at?

- What's going on? - Nothing.

You know, I was doing the math

on how many years we've been coming here,

- and it's five years of Sundays. - I know.

She's making the same casserole.

Oh, God.

My mom really appreciates it though.

And I appreciate you for coming with me.

I was thinking that maybe we could

- add something to the Sunday routine. - Like what?

I'm just gonna keep sliding down the counter until you figure it out.

We could see how we like that.

Yeah. You want to do it right here?

You want to add something to the Sunday routine?

I'm staring at a picture of myself as a child staring back at me.

It's horrifying.

Oh, God!

Okay, my buns are warm.

Bless your heart!

Oh, I always forget to heat those up.

Not a big deal. I mean, look at your casserole.

- Isn't it good today? - Oh...

- Did you do something different this time? - No.

No, you baked a pie. How am I gonna compete with you?

Oh, I bought that pie, sweetie.

Bill hates my pie.

What? What's that?

I said, you hate my pie.

Oh, yeah. Store pie's better.

You know, I always think that pie is pie.

You know, as long as it's warm

and lots of whipped cream, you know.

- Mmm. - Bob loves my pie, right?

- I do love your pie. Very much. - Yeah, Bob loves my pie.

Sounds like you guys are talking about vagina.

- Oh, Bill! - What?

Oh, good Lord! I know what you meant.

No, we were actually talking about vagina.

- No, we weren't. - Oh, stop it.

Bobby, when are you gonna marry this girl?

Mom, please.

- Peas? - No, Dad. I don't want peas.

I want grandbabies, for goodness sake.

I know you want grandbabies. You say that every weekend.

- What are you guys waiting for? - Mother...

Mary Ann Baldinger?

Uh, give me one second.

Why don't you take him away somewhere romantic?

Mrs. Baldinger. This is a surprise. How are you?

Not so good, Bobby. Sheldon needs you. Now.

- We're at Silver Linings. - Silver Linings? Like, the rehab?

Yes. I'll explain when you get here. Come now.

- I'm sorry, you guys. I have to run. - What?

- Is everything okay? - Yeah, I'll see you back at the house.

- Do you want me to go with you? - Nope. You enjoy yourselves.

- Eat your casserole. - I can...

Okay. Okay.

What?

What is going on?

Shouldn't his wife be here? Where's Nikki?

Nikki? The bitch filed for divorce,

sold the shares back to the investors, and moved to Jamaica.

What?

He is in a dark, dark place, Bobby.

Sheldon's a good boy. Do you know what it's like

watching your boy wasting away in front of your eyes?

I can't even imagine, Mrs. B. I am so sorry.

I need you to do something for me.

Yeah, anything. You name it.

Get the boys back together.

Yeah. Whatever you need. We'll take him out,

- maybe go on a vacation. - No.

His counselor said Sheldon needs something to live for.

He needs a win. He needs those games.

- The Buddy Games? - Yeah.

No. No, no, no.

That's... That's not gonna happen.

I'm not asking. I'm telling.

If you have any compassion in your soul whatsoever,

you will do this for my boy.

Oh, don't be a pussy.

You were always a leader of men.

What did the boys used to call you?

- The Bobfather. - And why did they call you that?

Because I was their leader.

Exactly.

Now, you rally those troops.

- Shake. All right. - All right.

Oh, you're a good boy, Bobby.

God...

- Whoop. Excuse me. - Hey, Bob.

Shelly?

What are you doing here, Bob?

Holy shit! What... Uh, you look...

Like a runway model?

You know...

- Why are you here, Bob? - Uh...

Uh, could we go talk someplace a little more private?

Sure. Just let Bruce finish first.

You hungry, fella?

I know it feels like he's taking stuff off,

but he's actually putting things on your head.

- Mmm! - What, you got cocaine in here?

How the fuck did you get cocaine in here?

Crushed-up SweeTARTS.

Desperate times, brother.

So, uh, I don't see you for years,

and then you just show up on my doorstep like this.

Uh, you don't see me for y...

We've been trying to track you down for years.

- What do you want, Bob? - I want my best friend back.

That's what I want.

I want to know what the hell happened to you.

And why are you here... Five years?

Oh, come on, man.

Seriously?

What could be so bad that you had to go down this road?

I lost my right testicle that night, Bob.

Oh, I... I didn't... I didn't...

I didn't know that. I'm sorry.

Yeah, that night they did surgery.

I didn't feel anything for days, man.

I mean, it might have been the OxyContin talking,

but, whoo, son!

But, uh something still wasn't right.

What do you mean?

I guess in all the chaos,

nobody thought to check on my left nut,

- the only one I had left. - Oh, no.

It got a little staph infection,

and they had to remove that one too.

So you...

Lost both my balls? Yeah.

Ah, Jesus Christ. I'm so sorry, man.

I had no idea. I don't even know what to say.

I'm a fuckin' textbook alpha male, honest.

I am a wrecking ball.

- I am a killing machine. - Okay. Okay.

I bring food back to the village and lay all the women.

You know, life hasn't been all that good to me either, just so you know.

My company is completely in the shitter.

I'm practically broke. I'm living in a one-bedroom apartment.

- Really? - Yeah.

Goddamn it, man! We were on top of the world, weren't we?

Look, I know we're not as young and bulletproof as we used to be,

but we got to where we were because we were good at what we did.

Who says that got to settle because life dealt us a couple of shitty hands?

You know what we need?

A gun.

No, we don't... not a... No, we don't need a gun.

Right. Two guns. One for each of us. Good catch.

You know what else we need?

- The Buddy Games. - You out of your fucking mind?

- No. - That's the reason I'm in this place,

in this goddamn robe,

snorting crushed-up candies.

I got tits, for Christ's sake! Fuck the Buddy Games!

Let's not let one little hiccup destroy 20 years of greatness.

You are... the Buddy Games.

You are our champion. You are our king.

- We need you to save us. - I'm the king?

- You're the king. - Who's the king?

- You. - Mm-mmm.

- Shelly. - Shelly's the fucking king.

If I'm the king, then I get to decide who's there.

Okay, sure.

Then Bender can't be there.

Really?

- Come on. - Yeah, he's an asshole, but he's one of us.

What? After what he did to me?

Then forget it, man. Fuck you. Save yourselves.

Okay, okay, you know what? Fine, fine. He doesn't even have to know.

I'll call everybody else except for Bender.

Get those fucking games back on.

- Right on. One more thing. - What?

Let me tell the guys.

- About what? - My balls.

What balls?

Too soon, sorry. Come on.

Just give me a...

Bear. Look at you.

What's the matter with you?

- Tell me you're in. - Are you kidding me?

Fuck, yeah! Yeah, I'm in!

Bitches are going down!

Stay Golden.

- Zanester! - Bobfather!

"Boobfather."

What's up, man?

- The games are back, baby! - What?

- And Shelly's in. - You're kidding me.

- No, I'm not. - Shelly's...

Yeah, count me in, man. Count me in. Sounds delish.

- All right, buddy, let's talk soon. - Okay.

Holy shit.

Whoo!

- Bobby! - Hey, Durfy, you got a minute to talk?

- Uh... - Okay, that's a cut on rehearsal.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got a second.

- I'm just shooting a major motion picture right now. - Please face camera.

Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. So what's up, dude?

Buddy Games, they're back. Are you in?

Um, I feel like that would be a little weird without Shelly now.

- No, no, he's in. - Then I'm there.

- I can't wait to see him. - All right, I'll talk to you soon, buddy.

Thank you, second team. First team on set.

- Hey, Mr. McDonough. - Hey, how are you?

Yeah, good. So your mark is right there.

- Thank you. - Yeah, you're gonna be looking...

- Right. Mm, mm, mm... - ...right over there. Okay.

Don't be too nervous. You already got the job.

Maybe grab a quick pic, though, together?

- Then we can tag each other. - Inappropriate, but, yeah, sure.

- Have you heard of Facebook? - Yeah, I guess.

- I'm gonna pop it on there. - That's great.

Hey, here with my top dog,

- Neil McDonough. - Is that a video?

- It is a video. Is that okay? - Yeah, n...

- You'd rather I take a picture? - Second team, what are you doing?

One second. I'll just do a video. I'll be really quick.

Hello?

Hey.

- Looks like someone's been busy. - I have been busy.

What do you think about taking a vacation?

- Yeah. Yeah. - Yeah? Oh, my gosh, good.

'Cause I went through our calendars, and there's a couple things we can move,

and we can make it work out. We can go anywhere.

Do you smell something burning?

Oh! Damn it.

Oh! Ugh!

Oh!

Are you...

Dang! I burned it.

Could you... Could you turn back?

I made three of these.

The other two didn't actually turn out so well either, but...

oh, well.

Well, you know what? We can always scrape it off and still eat the inside.

Oh, I was gonna ask you, what was going on with Mrs. Baldinger?

Oh, uh... Yeah, no, that's...

Shelly's not doing so hot. He is on suicide watch.

- What? Poor Sheldon. - Yeah.

He needs my help, babe.

Yeah, of course. Whatever he needs.

Mary Ann thinks that I should get the guys back together

for the Buddy Games.

- And what'd you tell her? - Well, no.

- Good. - At first, and then I said yes.

- And then you said yes? - Of course. You know?

Are you sure you don't want to think about this for a second?

- I have thought about it. - You have thought about it?

It's a really good idea. What better to get him off his feet?

You really think that getting the guys together for a weekend of teabagging

will stop Sheldon from killing himself?

Yeah. I do.

Okay, so then, um, what's next for us?

Um...

- Oh, my God, you don't know. - I do know.

- You don't know. - Yeah, I know.

We've grown up, and it's not gonna be like it was before.

How do you know? You haven't seen these guys in forever.

Can somebody open the goddamn door?

Is that Bender?

Oh, sounds like he's grown up. I'm gonna go.

You know what? That's a good idea. Let me deal with him,

and I'll meet you for dinner later.

- No, Bob, I'm leaving. - What do you mean, you're...

Okay.

You have the Buddy Games, right?

I'm taking the helicopter.

Dixon fuckin' Bender.

- How are you, man? - Well, I'd be lying

if I said everything was rainbows and unicorns.

You're still struggling, huh?

Yeah, I've been eating shit, actually.

Went through my mom's inheritance, and, uh, now I'm living in my van.

So, you know, fuck me.

I don't want to talk about it. Know what I want to talk about?

I want to talk about Buddy Games.

- Uh, what about Buddy Games? - I heard through the grapevine

not only are they back on, but Shelly's back?

Where the fuck has he been, and why didn't you call me?

- Uh, listen... - I want to know when and where they are.

I need to sleep on your couch.

I'll take a bed. I'll take whatever.

But I need some sleep.

Uh... there's an entry fee this year.

Okay, yeah. All right.

Like, how much? Like, ten bucks?

$10,000? Our friends that I've known...

we've known forever... they now all of a sudden

have $10,000 in side cash they can just throw around?

Durfy does? He still owes me 20 bucks.

- That's what the guys wanted to do. I'm sorry. - Fine.

We'll play your high-stakes shit, okay?

But I want to play, so can you front me the money?

No. Things are, uh, a little tight

at the moment, so I can't.

Yeah, I can tell. You're roughing it.

Just let me play. You can. You can because you're the Bobfather.

So you created this world. You make the rules.

So you could go, "Hey, remember our friend Bender?

Can he come and play?"

I can't. Just figured it out. Shelly.

Now this makes sense. Holy shit.

Because five years ago,

I accidentally cracked his nut.

- I'm really sorry, okay? - He lost both of his balls.

- He lost both his fucking balls. - What?

Goddamn you, man!

Both of them?

- I don't want to talk about it. You got to go. - Bob, I didn't know.

- You got to go. - All right, all right.

I love you, dude, but you gotta fucking go.

You're leaving right now?

Where are you going?

Really? Really, Bob?

You can't float me any cash? Really?

Damn it, man! Come on!

What a dick!

All right, I'll tell you what.

I'll give you 25 for the china, 50 for the ring,

- Fifty? - A hundred for the locket, a hundred for the paintings,

and, uh, $100 for the rest of this crap.

- 375. We got a deal? - What? No, we don't have a deal.

$50 for a diamond? That was my mother's wedding ring.

It's fake, fella.

What?

Fuckin' motherfucker!

She gave him 47 years.

That should be a Purple Heart!

That would actually be worth something.

Fine. Okay.

All right, fine. What about the china?

You can't tell me that's fake. 'Cause that says,

"Made in China." Okay.

So I will take no less

than a thousand for all this, and that's final.

I'll tell you what.

I'll give you 375.

She's still dead.

500. $500.

Okay.

I don't normally do this...

but I'm gonna give you 375.

Oh, you're really having fun, aren't you?

Can I hold the locket one more time?

Can you give me that, you surly fuck?

- Can I keep the picture? - Sure.

That'll be $5.

Hey!

- Asshole! - Sorry. I'm in training.

We're gonna test your range of motion, all right?

I want you to hold on to this ball here,

and you're gonna go from side to side.

Oh! He steals the ball!

Oh!

Mr. Hornbacher, I am so sorry.

Yeah, some lemonade, please.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Hey, what do we have here?

Saddle up, you old grisly bird.

Yeah.

Yeah, beauty.

Cheers.

You're breaking the law, mister!

You need a liquor license to sell vodka.

And you need to recognize a business opportunity.

So MYOB, little bitches!

- He just said the "B" word! - Shame on you!

You're both gonna be strippers when you grow up,

really bad ones that no one pays to see.

Ew!

I'm texting the police!

Fuck.

- Hey, what are you doing? - Stop!

Hey, come back here!

Get on the pole!

What are you doing? Stop!

- Give us our money! Come back! - You're bad kids!

- He took our money! - Stop! Hey!

Pig!

Mom!

She didn't tell me.

I thought I had cancer, damn it. Okay.

I thought I had cancer, damn it.

You all knew what I was, and you didn't tell me?

I thought I had cancer, damn it!

Hmm.

Fuck.

What the fuck. Was that any good?

- Yeah. - Hey, little brother.

Little busy today. What do you need?

I need to borrow a couple bucks.

Thought you said this Hollywood thing was working out.

It is. I just murdered an audition

for a CW pilot right before I called you.

And I'm in postproduction on something right now.

What the fuck is postproduction?

I star in a national commercial for the Marines.

Well, I'm sure Dad would have been proud.

He'd have been more proud if you were an actual fucking Marine.

Jack, you are hurting my feelings a little bit, but yes.

Jesus Christ. Listen to me. Do you know how hard it is

trying to keep this family business profitable

without having to finance your little pipe dreams?

Dad left this to you, not me.

How long's it gonna be before you figure out

that this acting thing is a fucking waste of time?

You know, sister's out here. Belly's as big as shit,

but she's sweating her balls off just like the rest of us.

So why don't you think about that while you're out there

in La-La Land eating your goddamn avocado sandwiches?

- You don't know what I... - I got work to do. Real work.

Look it up. Fuck-head.

Full penetration's an extra hundred.

Uh-huh! Uh-huh! Uh-huh!

I'm giving you the early-bird special.

Shut up and dig! Dig, boy!

How many labias do you have?

Oh, I just farted! Just keep going!

Oh, it's bad!

Oh, no!

No!

Looking great, hon.

- Yeah? - Gorgeous.

Come on, angel. Time to go.

Hey, honey, it's me, checking in again.

I just want to make sure that you're okay out there,

wherever you are.

I just want to know why you stormed off like that,

why you hate these guys so much.

Look, we need to talk.

Oh, here we are.

Okay.

Oh, wow.

Oh, I bet this brings back some fond memories, huh?

Last time I was here, I was getting wheeled out on a stretcher.

Well, not that memory.

- Welcome back, buddy! - Oh, hey.

- You made it. - Yeah.

Hey, I got to defend my title, right?

- I'm gonna take that back. - Hey! Hey!

Oh, talking smack already. How much fun is this, huh?

- All right, Mama. - Okay, I'll let you boys be.

- Come on. - Hold that for a second.

Just a second. You only hold it while I get out of the car.

Good luck, sweetie.

- So good to see you. - Give 'em hell, hon.

- Bye, Mom. Thanks. - Bye, Mary Ann.

- Thanks. - Bye, Mama. Thank you.

- Welcome back, man. - The place hasn't changed much.

Yeah. Yeah.

Hey, there's, uh...

There's something that I wasn't entirely honest with you about.

- My company did well. - How well?

Well, I sold it for... approximately 387 million.

Wow! That's...

- I'm... Holy... - Yeah, it's been a...

- Congratulations, brother. - ...a pretty good couple of years, thanks.

Life just hasn't been the same without you.

That part was true.

You didn't tell the guys about my...

Your balls? No. No. Definitely not.

I'm not sure I can believe you now, Bob.

Yeah? Well, believe this.

- You're with friends now. - Hey, boobs!

- Is that your dad? - Hey, Mr. Schmidt.

No, no, no. That's... That's Shelly.

Oh, my God. What the hell?

Holy shit, Sheldon!

- Fuck you guys. - Are you kidding me?

He's back!

Get the fuck off of me.

Get off of me. Get off of me.

Hands off, hands off.

That's right.

Oh, so, um,

I had to say goodbye to the guys in Bon Jovi

and start the journey home, man.

I just realized I couldn't run from it anymore.

That's reality. That's it.

You still got his number, Bon Jovi?

Come on, Doc. Some decorum.

Shel, I'm so sorry you had to go through all that, man.

Thanks.

But tell me about the chicks from Tibet, man.

'Cause I've heard they're smoking hot. True or false?

- Nah, I never heard that. - I never heard that.

You guys haven't heard...

The point is that our king is back. Look at this.

He sure as hell is.

Let's make a toast. Oh, wait. Somebody's here.

- Nut check! - Oh!

Oh! Oh!

Nut tap! You're lucky they were low. I didn't really feel much.

You dodged a bullet. I just felt log.

I'm very happy to see we're still doing that.

No shit, because that is...

That's the kind of stuff I missed, man, all my travels.

It was the camaraderie, being with you guys, just...

the connection with other people, you know?

I feel bad I didn't reach back out to you guys.

'Cause I got all the cards and the notes and everything. I just had a lot on my mind.

- It just wasn't... - You kidding? We love you, man.

What...

I know that horn. Yeah.

It's got to be.

Whoo! What?

What? Buddy Games!

Yeah!

- There he is! - Hey, you guys, Bender's here!

You fucking bastard.

He's not supposed to be here.

Come on. I'm not gonna miss the Buddy Games.

That's insane. What's up, Durf?

Bender!

- Who's that guy? - Hey, man. How are ya?

Are you lost?

Sheldon. What's up, bud?

I got nothing to say to you, buddy.

You got a lot of fucking nerve showing your face here.

I knew you were gonna say that, and I'm here for peace.

Okay? Hear me out.

Look, man, the past is in the past, dude.

There's nothing we can do about it. What happened, happened.

All I care about is the future

and our prosperity,

and that's why I'm here.

Sheldon, I give you...

- Cuban cigars. - No, Doc, but good guess.

This is something a little bit more special.

What is this?

It's my... my seed.

My... baby sauce.

- What? - Dick matter.

- Are you... Are you for real? - Wow, Dixon fucking Bender.

Oh, that's a lot of loads.

Uh, it's nine, to be exact.

Whoa, there.

- Dude, two days, that took me. - Ugh.

Bender, you are a fucking hero, man.

- That's kind of weird, man. - Was there a memo?

Were we supposed to bring semen? I didn't bring semen. Durfy?

Bender, that's a very gross present. Why did you give him that?

It's not gross. It's not gross, okay?

Our friend, our very good friend here, Sheldon,

he lost both of his testicles.

Oh...

Is that true, Shelly?

It's true. I, uh... They're both gone.

I'm... I'm, uh... I'm like a Ken doll down there now.

Hey, Ken had a good life.

He had a hot blonde, a Corvette. Right?

Ah, look, I mean, I can't complain.

- Now I can have kids. - You can have dozens.

So, that's my peace offering,

and I just want to know, are we cool?

Yeah. Yeah.

All right. Whew!

- Oh, thank God. - Are you kidding me?

- Come on. - Love you, brother.

It worked. Thought we were gonna see some blows.

Thank you very much. That's really fucking awesome.

I love that. Know what else I love? Alcohol!

Let's go to the tiki bar. Come on.

- Tiki bar! - All right.

Go for it.

- I can't believe that worked... - Thanks, Bob.

'Cause that's your fault, right?

- Whoa! - What the hell?

Dude, what is all this money? What is that?

Dude, it was not easy.

I mean, a $10,000 entry fee?

That was not easy to scrape up,

but I banged and bartered my way for those Benjamins.

Pretty much sold my soul, and, uh, don't give a shit.

But at the end of the day, I'm gonna win that...

? $60,000, whores ?

Entry fee? What entry fee?

- I'm lost. - Bender...

I'm sorry, Bender. There was never an entry fee.

What?

I'm sorry, but I didn't have the heart to tell you, man, you weren't invited.

We didn't feel comfortable with you here this year.

You know, you could've told me that. That would have been a lot easier.

I didn't think you were gonna come up with ten thou...

I mean, 10,000 bucks? Really? That's crazy!

- Oh, my God. - Are you fucking kidding me?

I made up everything about the fee and the pot. I'm sorry.

You're sorry? I sold all of my shit! All of it!

I sold all my mom's stuff.

I gave a bum a hand job for $30.

- Ooh, expand on that. - No, I'm not going to. You want to smell my hand?

I don't think so. No, probably not.

Bob, you fucked me, man!

You promised me 60 grand, so you better fix this.

I can't get that stuff back. I can't take that hand job back.

This has always been about pride. You said it yourself. This is about the brotherhood.

This is not about money or anything else.

Oh, fuck that!

Yeah, it's not about money, because you have money.

- All right? Zane. - Yeah?

Could you use $60,000 for your tanning business?

- Yes. - Yeah.

- Durf, what about you, bud? - Yeah.

- It's a hard yes from you. It should be. Doc? - Yeah.

Exactly. And Shelly needs new straitjackets. You see, Bob?

We all fucking need.

But not you, man. You don't have the need for anything.

Zane, could I spot you 10,000 bucks?

- Just this once. - What about you, Durfy? Can I spot you?

- What about you? Doc? Shelly? - Yeah, I won't say no.

50,000 bucks.

- That's great. What about you? - What about me?

What are you gonna spot yourself?

Can you believe this fucking guy?

Well, yeah.

It's so crazy! I sold all my shit.

I'm gonna match the fucking pot. How does that sound?

Hundred thousand bucks!

We're gonna play for 100,000 bucks.

I like it, I don't love it.

- One-fifty. - Yes! Done.

- 150,000 bucks! - 150 grand!

- Oh! - Looks like we got ourselves a Buddy Game.

Yes!

All right, boys, here we go!

The Buddy Games are back, baby!

Kicking off this year's event: Kong's Crucible.

It's a giant obstacle course,

complete with corn dogs, bubble balls,

watermelons, electric eels.

- What's that? - Don't ask.

Once you get through there, it's mud pits,

motorcycles, beer bongs,

and one big-ass waterslide.

You're gonna catch a lot of air, I'm gonna warn you right now,

but, very important to note,

the only way you win is if you capture the flag.

Whoever captures the flag wins the event.

Top three finalists at the end of today's events

competes in tomorrow's final event, the endgame.

Oh, by the way, Shelly, we got near beer for you.

- Copy. - Wait, what?

- He's in the program, Bender. - I can't mix my meds with alcohol.

He can't drink alcohol period.

That seems like an unfair advantage.

- It's still beer, dick face! - Why don't you just get him a Fresca.

Are you trying to mind-fuck me, mijo? 'Cause I invented mind-fucking.

- I'll come all over your mind. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Insane Clown Pussy.

Are you ready for this?

- Boom! - Eat!

Goddamn, dude!

What the fuck?

High voltage? What...

- Oh! Oh, God! - Get over here!

Go, go, go, go!

Fuck you! Eat it! Eat it!

Coming for you!

Come on!

I can suck way harder than you, Bender!

Let's get it!

Fuck it.

Ah, good!

Cheaters!

Not today!

Don't touch me, Bender! Aaah!

I am Kong King!

Stop Shelly!

Oh, no! Oh, no!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Son of a bitch!

You finished?

Bob put zero effort into this event.

This is fucking dumb.

Oh, come on. I lost my whole lure.

Is there money in there?

- Open it. - Be careful, Doc.

Yeah!

Oh, no!

- Don't touch it! Don't touch it! - Oh, God!

Yeah, baby.

Okay. Remember them well.

All right, here we are, boys... the old watering hole.

The old Spread Eagle Bar and Grill.

It's also the home of our next challenge.

So full of curveballs.

Who here thinks they got what it takes

when it comes to charming the ladies?

Well, that's part of it.

You think you can get a girl to buy you a drink?

Okay, easy enough.

Take them on the dance floor and maybe get a kiss on the lips?

- Oh, please. - Bob, come on.

Okay, well, who can do that

without shitting your pants first?

Yeah, you all got real serious now, didn't you?

- Bob, that's perverse. - Nope, that's the next challenge.

I like to call it "intestinal fortitude."

Man, this is the dumbest shit ever. Are you fucking kidding me?

- No. - Corn dogs and laxatives?

You are the ones that wanted to play for 150,000 bucks.

I'm just trying to make you earn it.

Sounds like somebody doesn't want to compete.

- And if you don't compete... - You must concede.

I'm not conceding! I'm a fucking cock rooster. Gonna get me a chicken.

- Here we go. - Oh, man.

Oh, my God.

- Your bag is everything. - Oh, thank you.

- I'm sorry. May I? - Absolutely.

- Look at that. - It's watermelon.

I think I might be the last piece to this puzzle.

Oh!

My mouth is very dry.

- Can I get you a drink? - You are so very sweet.

- Absolutely. - I... Just this once.

- Okay. What do you like? - Oh, anything that's wet.

- Oh... - Oh!

Hey, can you buy me a drink?

I live in my van.

What? No.

I'll chow your box for a week.

You like vodka?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Two wet ones.

Yeah, hi. This is Dr. Kelly.

You look like you need a blow job.

- Shot, silly. - Oh.

What did you think I meant?

Uh, you know, oral...

Can you please just call me back? I miss you.

All right, bye.

Oh, shit. I'm so sorry.

I would buy you a drink...

but my friends and I are playing this ridiculous game

where we're trying to get women to buy us drinks.

That's refreshingly honest.

- It's ridiculous. - I feel like buying you a drink.

- Okay. - What'll it be?

Uh-oh. You look lonely.

The cure for that is, you buy me a drink,

and I'll sit...

I'll save this seat for you.

You know what drinking makes me want to do?

- What's that? - It makes me want to feel, and it makes me want to move.

- You want to move with me? - Ooh, absolutely!

Oh, I know you. Hi, Durf.

Here we go. Here it is.

There's a kink there that's very sensitive

- on the right side, yeah. - Oh, I can feel that.

Why don't you order us a couple drinks,

and I'll get you all fixed up?

Um, sure.

Eddie, two vodka cranberry.

Careful. I'm very sensitive.

Nice and loosey-goosey. Nice and loosey-goosey.

Aaah!

- Oh, yeah, there you go. - Oh, God!

- How's that? Nice? - I think you just made it worse.

- Stand up. Let's check that weight distribution. - Okay, hang on.

- I love your hair. Do you sleep in the woods? - Sometimes.

I got a half a bottle of Fireball parked outside

in my Kia Sorento, if you're interested in coming out back.

Yes. Yes, I am.

- Yes, I am. - Good.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Save it, kitty. Save it.

Let's hit the dance floor, and you can ride me like a fucking animal.

I will. I will. Okay, let's go.

If you let your hips go,

your neck will follow.

Wait a minute. Are you trying to dance with me?

Yeah. No, I'm...

Oh, no.

Oh, no!

Where's the bathroom?

That's it for Doc.

- I don't want to buy you a drink. - What's the big deal?

- Fuck off, please. - What did you say to me?

- I said, "Walk off." - Hey! The lady said no, asshole.

- Fuck off, shrimp dick. Come on. Please. - No!

Hey, bud, how's it going?

How does it look like it's going, bitch?

Okay.

Zane, I forgot what a good dancer you are, man.

- Yeah? - What was that move you used to do back in the day?

It was sick. You used to kill it.

It's not a move, Bender. It's called art.

- Hey, dude, break it out, man. - Yeah?

Yeah.

- Here at the Spread Eagle? - Yeah.

Okay.

Oh!

Oh, Bender, you made me...

- Oh! - What happened?

I'm having a hard time understanding what's she's doing.

Why would she do that? She just left.

She just left, and... and I'm...

I'm a little busted up about it.

I mean, she's... I love her.

She is beautiful. Tiff...

You like that, huh?

Who's the shrimp dick now, huh?

Let me go, shrimp dick!

What's up, Durf?

Having some troubles? Struggling a little bit?

I'm good.

You don't look good.

Oh, fuck!

Let it out!

I'm gonna crush you, you little Oompa Loompa motherfucker!

Shh, shh. Go to sleep. Shh, just let it happen.

Shh.

Shh.

Yes! Yeah!

Congratulations, Bender.

Hey, Shelly.

You looked pretty good until the fight started.

I don't want to talk about it.

- That guy was really small. - Bender...

I know they like to be called little people, but I'd classify that guy...

- Shut your cock pocket. - What the fuck are we doing here?

- Seriously, Bob. I have meat strapped to my face. - Hold your horses, boys.

It'll be here momentarily. But first,

I decided to throw a little curveball into this one.

- Oh! - We're gonna hit this.

- Oh, man. - Oh, fuck, yes. Let's get weird.

- Please! - What does that mean?

You're saying you've never smoked pot?

You don't fucking know what I do

when I go to the clubs, man.

I get super paranoid when I smoke grass.

Come on. You know the rules. Buddy Games, baby.

- If you can't compete, you must concede. - It's medicinal.

Bet I'm the only one that's smoked hash.

Guys, they test sometimes on movie sets.

I don't know if I can have this in my system.

That's the shit that killed Hendrix.

Yeah, boy! Bye, bye, brain.

Take it.

- Got it? - Got it.

Don't bogart that shit.

Fuck you.

Holy shit.

You're blowing it out and sucking it in at the same time?

- This is a bad idea. - All right, boys.

The final event of the day.

This is not a game of strength

or endurance, but rather a test of courage,

and it will determine tomorrow's three finalists in the endgame.

So ask yourselves, how bad do you want that money, boys?

- Bad. Real bad. - Real bad.

The game is simple.

The last one to keep his head above board wins.

Enter the dragon!

What?

- Bob, what the fuck is that thing? - What the fuck is that?

- What the fuck is that, man. - It's a dinosaur.

Hey, Bob. Bob left.

Bob, what a fucking coward.

Yeah. Look at Shelly and his juicy, fat head.

Eat off the rest of his hair.

Doc!

- Oh, my God! - Doc!

- Tell me you're okay! - That was intense.

Doc, talk to me! Doc, just talk!

He senses fear!

Doc was weak, like you, Zane.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm not afraid.

Oh, no. Oh, God.

No. No.

Ugh! I'm sorry, Mom!

That's it, motherfucker. That's it, motherfucker.

Huh?

Shelly, get out of there. You win, man.

- What are you doing? - You want a piece of me, huh?

You stupid fucking pea-brained lizard, you think I'm scared of you?

Shelly, man, you already won. Get out of there!

Where is it? Where is it? Come on!

Oh, my God!

Hey.

You all right?

Uh-huh. Good times, man.

You're sort of gazing right into that fire.

I'm just a little worried about you.

Hey, look, I know you're pissed at me right now...

Why would I be pissed at you? 'Cause you lied to me about everything?

I'm sorry that I lied to you. I am. But I did it for...

Don't apologize. You literally saved my life.

- Well, I wouldn't go that far. I mean... - No.

This little reunion could just as easily have been my funeral,

but now I got a reason to live again, man.

And that? I owe that all to you, little buddy.

Can I get you anything? Another near beer?

Nah, I'm good.

- Okay. - You know what, though? I'm gonna get you something.

- Okay. - Show you how I feel about everything.

- Ooh! - Oh, yeah.

- How many cards you want, Doc? - Hey, fellas.

Look, I'm a little embarrassed

by my behavior earlier... I got a little crazy there.

It's just been a long day of excruciating pain and humiliation.

I feel bad about the way I behaved.

I feel better now because being with you guys means the world to me.

As a token of my appreciation, I made you guys these frosty pi�a coladas.

One for everybody. Get in there!

- Can you get me one? - Guys...

- Thanks, man. - Look how frothy these are.

- Shelly did a fun thing. Look, Bob. - Thank you, bro. Wow.

Mmm. It's different, but it's good.

- Creamy, ooh. - I like it.

My mom always said, "If the drinks are free, drink till you can't walk or see."

Shelly, are you good? I thought you were on the wagon.

Never been better, buddy. Never been better.

This is exactly what I needed.

All right. Don't get too drunk and then whip your pants down

- and start playing with your empty bean bag chair. - All right.

- Hey, to Shelly. - To Shelly Belly. Love you, Shel.

Glad to have you back, brother.

Cheers, cheers.

Yo, Doc, I think you need to have

a doctor look at that thing. It's starting to drip.

I am a doctor, Durf.

So good, man!

I didn't mean it like that.

So how's La La Land treating you, bro?

Yeah, Hollywood man.

Pretty darn good. I'm feeling blessed.

- I got a lot of things coming down the pipeline. - That's great, man.

- Couple things in postproduction. - What's postproduction?

That's a good question. Editing,

color timing, scoring...

Scoring, verb...

What Zane does every night with the ladies.

You know what you should do?

Seriously. Work with Mark Wahlberg.

Guy is money.

He kicks all kinds of ass.

He's got that itty-bitty waist, but he seems like an accessible guy.

Like, the kind of guy you can talk to.

That's a really helpful tip. Thank you.

Yeah, for sure.

But seriously, like, what do you got, Durfy?

Uh, I was told not to let anybody watch this,

but I did get an early cut of something

that I have on my phone if you guys want to take a little look.

All right.

You can't tell anyone you saw this, though, okay?

This is what we call an industrial in the biz.

Oh, she's pregnant.

Who's that handsome guy?

- Black-and-white. Nice touch. - Artsy.

She's cute.

It's like Raging Bull.

It's got a great twist, too, you guys.

Oh, God, she's so good.

I really liked working with her.

Um...

- Oh, man. - Wow.

Man, she gets me when she gives that look.

- What do you think? - Yeah, it's...

Let me get this straight.

You stay at home, and your wife goes to war?

Yeah, well, um, you know, somebody has to watch the baby.

I didn't write it. I just act in it, so...

No, totally. America thanks you for your service, man.

- How do you make yourself cry? - On the day, I wasn't able to,

so they just put a drop in your eye.

- You didn't cry? - Well, not on that day.

- Wow! - I always though you actually cried.

- I think it looks real. - Come on. This...

We're his best friends. We owe him honesty here.

Durf, I love you. That's a terrible commercial.

That's 100% Rotten Tomatoes, man.

Yeah, I have other things maybe you'll dig.

Of course you will, and they'll be awesome.

No, we're all pro-troops, but that was anti-acting.

That's good, though, dude. Next time, Durf.

I'm kidding, Dude.

I'll get an eyedropper, dude. Don't well up.

I loved it. Hey, it's time to announce the finalists.

- Come on. Let's go. - This is go time.

- Come on, baby. - Come on. Let's go.

I liked your movie, Durf.

Thanks, man.

All right, boys, the moment we've all been waiting for.

As you can see, I stand among these tiki torches.

These three tiki torches represent the three guys

who will be competing in tomorrow's final event.

If I call your name, you're in. Ready?

And remember, we're playing for this.

- Yeah. - Hell, yeah.

- Say my name. - The first finalist in this year's Buddy Games is...

Bob Schmidt.

Is there a Bob Schm... Oh, that's me.

That's me.

All right, game one, game one.

Hey, check it. The score's right here.

And the next finalist is...

Dixon Bender.

- Yes! - What?

- I did better than Bender did. - I did not see that coming.

- Yep, I saw it coming. - I want a recount.

You'd be up here if you held your shit the longest.

That's right. And the third finalist

may not be the most athletic guy here.

- In fact, he's probably the least athletic guy here. - Doc.

- Oh, no. That's not good for me. - He demonstrated nerves of steel

in the face of dragons. It's Shelly Baldinger!

- Yeah! - You got to be kidding me!

- What? Are you joking? - Yep.

That's bullshit.

Don't look so down, Durf.

Maybe there's a tampon commercial in your future.

Yeah. Anything with a vagina, you know?

Or a fake baby. You fuckers.

I don't know how I'm not a finalist.

- I want a recount. - Hey, who wants a pi�a colada?

- I want a pi�a colada! - Who wants a pi�a colada?

When I say "pi�a," you say "colada"!

- Pi�a! Pi�a! - Colada! Colada!

Hey.

Hey. Shelly.

Shelly.

Guys. Guys, come here. Shelly's out cold here.

Oh, you know what that means. Balls and gravy!

No, no, no, no. I'm serious. I can't tell if he's breathing.

- What? He's just passed out. - All right, get out of my way.

Let me handle this. Let me handle this.

- Oh, no. - What?

- This is bad, guys. - Give it to us straight, Doc.

It's an impingement between C3 and C4.

Are you kidding me? Is he breathing?

Yes, he's breathing. He's fine.

He's just a big, ugly baby.

He's fine. He's sleeping.

Where's... Where's Durfy?

- I don't know. - That's odd.

- Durfy! - Durf!

- Durfy! Durfy! - Durf! Durf!

This is bullshit.

I'm gonna pack my bags and get out of here.

What the hell is that?

What the fuck?

- He's not out there. - His car's still here.

- He's not in his room. - I called him. He didn't answer.

- Where would he be? - Oh, you guys.

- What? - The commercial.

His commercial about lady Marines.

Dude, our own military might attack us over that commercial.

- We shit all over it. - We were being honest. It sucked.

- We didn't have to be that honest. - You know how sensitive he is.

Fuck! He probably wandered off somewhere.

- We got to go looking for him. - Somebody's got to watch Shelly.

The doctor should.

I want Bender to stay.

- You hear that? - What'd you say?

He picked Bender.

- He said "Doctor." - He said "Bender." I heard him.

- Bender, you stay here. Stay with him. - Are you kidding me?

Grab the torches, boys. Let's go find him.

What if he wakes up? Do I have to talk to him?

Stay back!

Leave me alone!

Oh! Shelter.

Durfy?

- Durf! - Durf and Turf?

What is that? What is that?

How's it getting in the door?

What?

Where are you?

You hear that?

Oh, my God.

- That way. - Let's go get our boy.

We're coming, Durf!

What?

That's weird.

Don't make me do this.

Please!

Okay, I'm going to let you go.

Stop fighting, okay?

Stay down.

Whore! Okay!

- Die you little... - That's a tiny thing!

Durfy... Knock it off, man!

Stop, man, stop!

Did he kill it?

Oh, my God!

You guys, that thing was trying to kill me.

- Oh, my God. - That little thing right there?

Yeah, it looks cute, but it came in that shed

and got my ear and my face.

- Holy mother of God. - You look like shit, man.

Is that right? I look like shit?

My commercial sucks. Do you want to say anything else?

- I was just busting... - No, no, I heard you loud and clear.

I heard you loud and clear. The commercial sucked.

- We were just busting your chops. - You know what else?

I'm not fucking making it in Hollywood, okay?

Are you happy? I don't have an agent.

I self-submit to extras casting, okay?

I sell tape.

And right before I got here, I shit the bed

on probably the best opportunity I'm ever gonna have for a CW pilot.

And it's fucking gone, and that's it, okay? So I fucking suck!

- You don't suck. - You feel fucking funny now?

You want to make some fucking jokes about that?

Durfy, calm down. You're a little fired up right now.

No, no, no. Don't calm down. Let him get it out.

What is this, Durf, huh? What is this, your fucking goodbye speech? Huh?

We throw a little tough love your way, and you throw in the towel?

You want to be an actor or not? Start filming this.

You want to fucking be an actor on a CW pilot, Durfy?

- Use it! Use it! - Show me! Show me!

You guys, I just got attacked by a fucking mink.

I'm not auditioning in the woods, okay?

- I'm not gonna do this! - Do it right now!

You guys knew what I was the whole time, and you didn't tell me?

I thought I had cancer, damn it.

Okay, so I'm a mutant?

So I'm gonna dedicate the rest of my life...

to putting those who would do ill to others

straight in the fucking ground.

And I don't care if I have to die doing it.

John Durfy Jr, Mutant Institute.

Yeah!

You guys, that last part was improv.

Yeah, Durfy! Yeah!

That's not even in the script. It's not even in the script.

Hi, Dixon.

Hey, Shelly.

Have an extra bowl of Cuckoo Puffs this morning?

When are you gonna learn to shut the fuck up, Bender?

Why am I here?

That is a really good question. What are you doing here?

You're not supposed to be here. I was very clear about that.

I have every right to be here. I'm one of your oldest friends,

and I'm here to preserve the sanctity of our friendship

and to beat your ass in the Buddy Games.

I'm gonna wipe your ass out there today.

You're gonna wipe my ass?

Yeah, with your face.

You're gonna wipe my ass with my face.

Got it, bud.

And I'm sure that Bob will make that happen.

- What's that supposed to mean? - You don't think this is all rigged for you?

Like you didn't know that? Look, you made your point. Just let me out.

What the fuck are you doing?

You know what your problem is, Bender?

You don't know when to shut the fuck up!

No! You crazy fuck!

- No! All right, no! - Yeah!

I won't say anything else. I'll stop talking.

Oh, I really want to believe you when you say

that the sanctity of our lifelong friendship means something to you,

but...

I don't.

Is that supposed to scare me?

When's the last time you've driven a car?

Your mom dropped you off here.

Don't you talk about my mama.

Then get your fat ass out of my mom's van!

You say you're sorry.

Sorry for what?

For ruining my life.

I didn't ruin your life!

You fucking say it!

Fuck you!

No! No! Wait, wait, wait!

I didn't shoot you! I didn't shoot you!

I didn't do...

No!

What did you say?

I said you're a piece of shit!

No, that's not what you said. You said you didn't do it.

Of course I didn't do it, man. I'm not an animal.

I wouldn't shoot a man in the balls, let alone my friend.

I love balls. I have two of them.

Okay. You didn't do it? Who did?

Nikki.

Bullshit.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Why don't you teach him a lesson.

From us. Come on. It'll be fun.

- Rest it. Let it sit there. - Right on the nose.

What if I did it right there?

- Shoot him. - Ooh.

But I couldn't do it.

So she took the gun from me and pulled the trigger.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What did you do?

Then why wouldn't you say something, huh?

Why would you protect her?

- I was protecting you. - Protecting me?

- Your marriage. - If you wanted to protect me, you could've stopped her.

Do you think I knew that she was gonna shoot you in the scrotum?

All right, I could've taken the gun away, but I didn't.

Can somebody get me out of this fucking thing, man?

I got it. I got it.

Do you want to know why I didn't?

Maybe it's because you were being

- a drunk, obnoxious asshole. - This fucking guy.

Or maybe I did it because you put your balls on our foreheads

for years and just laughed it up.

Or maybe I liked

that you thought it was me all these years.

Because whether or not I pulled the trigger,

- you got what you deserved, bud. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, okay.

- He doesn't mean that. Bender, you don't mean that. - Nobody deserves...

Guys, I got to come clean. In '95,

when I won the cup, I was juicing.

I got to get it off my chest. I don't want you to scratch my name off the cup though.

Nobody's gonna scratch anything off anything. Shell Bell,

I think it's pretty clear that Bender feels terribly.

I mean, he gifted you his own personal spank bank.

That's a gesture.

- Am I right? That was a real gesture. - Yeah.

- You're right. - Yeah, which I want back.

You're unfit to raise my children.

- That's not gonna happen? - What do you mean?

Can't do it. I already re-gifted it.

- To who? - What?

You like those pi�a coladas?

Mmm. Little bit of Bender in there?

Oh, no.

- Oh, my God. - Oh, my God.

You're joking? That's a joke?

Oh, my... Oh, my God.

- No. - I knew I tasted jizz!

Bob, get him back in the loony bin right now.

Call his mom and have her pick him up.

- That is grounds for disqualification. - I'm calling the cops.

What are you going to tell the cops? "Hey, Officer, I drank my own jizz"?

Hold up. Hold up.

Why are we surprised by this?

This is the kind of stupid shit that happens every time we get together.

I mean, I never thought I was gonna forgive you guys for this.

- I was so pissed at you guys. - Still a great piece.

You remember that one? That was you guys.

Sons of bitches! And this? Fucking...

- Zac Efron. - That was your idea.

You did that on your own, bro.

Your choice.

You wanted that.

- You all gave me the... - No. No.

Look, the point is that every time we get together,

we do something that we regret in the moment,

but then we laugh about it later, right?

That's why we keep coming back. These are the games we play.

These are the memories that we live for. And, yeah, we drank a little jizz...

We drank a lot of jizz.

We drank a lot of jizz.

I had a second pi�a colada.

And Shelly totaled Bender's van, but you know what?

This too shall pass. We will live on,

and this brotherhood will never die.

And I fucking love it! I love all of it.

And I've missed every one of you assholes.

And I wouldn't trade this shit for anything, so...

I suggest that each one of you look in the mirror

and think about what this brotherhood means to you.

Especially you, Durfy.

Your ear, it's, like, hanging...

Is it injured? 'Cause it doesn't feel good.

- You might want peroxide... - You think that's gonna read on camera?

- Not if the camera's pointed at someone else. - Thanks for inviting me.

- You're a good person. - Yeah, yeah, you too.

Thanks for letting me play, and thanks for the pi�a coladas and my ear.

It's just been really great.

All right.

The rest of you get a little sleep,

because come sundown, it's game on.

- Not so much you two. - Nope, we are sleeping in.

Didn't make the cut.

Shelly, you went too far.

- Oh, I'm gonna throw up. - Yeah, Shelly.

Well played.

So here we are, boys.

The endgame. It's simple.

First one to lay their hands

on that buddy bucket at the end of this field

wins all the cash.

What's with the suit?

Oh, this old thing?

It's a one-inch-thick superpolyamide body armor suit.

Why? What the fuck are we doing now?

Well, this little baby can absorb a bullet

- from ten feet away. - What?

All we're gonna be using are simple bows and arrows.

Give it a try.

- You want me to shoot you with an arrow? - Yeah.

Okay.

There you go.

I like this already.

Oh, no!

- Bob! - What the fuck?

Holy shit!

Oh, my God.

Bob! Oh, my...

Oh! Help!

You should see the looks on your faces!

- I'm just kidding. - Oh, my... Dude, what the fuck, man?

That's the game. That's the game.

You got six arrows right over here. Use them wisely,

because if you get stuck with an arrow, you're out.

Ten minutes, shotgun start, so suit up, boys.

Whoo!

Ow. Bob, you're...

Bob's not well mentally, I don't...

I don't know who to root for.

- I hate them all. - Yeah, it's tough.

- I'm going Bender. - You're gonna go Bender?

- Bender. - He lost his mom. He lives in a van.

He's had hemorrhoids since we were, what, six?

How many fucking six-year-olds do you know that have hemorrhoids?

Hey, everybody. Welcome back.

You know what's fucking crazy?

Like, seriously?

How slimming black really is.

One little announcement.

That field is live. Real arrows will be flying.

So, please, if you could stay behind these flags

until you can see that champion bucket is raised.

- Smell weird to you? - Oh, fuck, man!

Oh, let me get a shot really quick. You got any schnapps?

Why do you have a nut cup? Aren't those supposed to protect testicles?

Aren't minivans meant for mothers? Oh, that's right. You don't have a minivan.

Yeah, thanks. I don't have a mother either. You're about to lose.

You're about to burp up your own cum bubbles.

You're gonna fucking lose, man.

This is your day...

Bye, suckers!

Let's go, babe! Come on. You got this. Let's go!

Okay, babe, you got this!

Let's go, baby!

Ah!

Oh, my God.

Suck on that, Richie Rich!

Bob!

Bob! Bob! No, wait...

Shit just got real.

Okay. Shelly's sucking wind right now.

He's not gonna be able to shoot for shit.

It's now or never.

Let's go, Bender.

We already know how this will end, Bender!

I own you! I always have!

You always said, "There's next year," Shelly.

Well, guess what? It is next year!

I guess it boils down to who's got the bigger balls.

Well, that'd definitely be you, pal.

No, no, no. Ladies first.

Aaah! Fuck you!

Ooh, look at that fat back.

Here we go, baby.

- Damn it! - Crap!

Yeah, let's dance, baby.

It's over. It's over.

Fuck you, Bender. Fuck you.

Sorry about all that stuff I said about you earlier, buddy.

No, you're not, Sheldon.

Just end it.

Don't shoot me in the balls either. That'd be super predictable and lame.

Always the bridesmaid, never the bride.

- You fucking caught that? - You were gonna shoot me in the face?

Get off me! Get off me!

You son of a bitch!

Not this year!

No! No!

Never fuck with a man's minivan.

I got it. I got it.

Yeah!

Yeah! I fucking did it!

You okay, buddy? No shame. You did good.

- You did really good. - How many fingers is this?

Just not as good as that motherfucker right there!

You just kicked him in the head, Doc!

Bobby, are you okay?

- Oh, my goodness, look at that. - Bob!

Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God! - Oh, you came.

- We've got to get you to the hospital. - No, no, I'm fine.

I really am. I'm fine. Well, not great.

Oh, my God!

Oh, I know what you're gonna say, that this whole thing was a mistake.

No, I wasn't gonna say that at all.

Bobby, you needed this.

- Really? - Yeah.

Now that it's out of your system,

- we can just go back to our life, you know? - Yeah.

God, I love you.

- I love you so much. - I love you too.

I was doing a lot of thinking on my trip, and, um...

I think it's time, Bob.

Yeah.

- All right, come on. Let's do this. - I... I can't.

Oh, God, because your... your hand.

- Let me help you. - Whoa!

Whoa! Yeah!

It is huge! How much was it?

I don't know.

I don't know!

Okay, everybody's watching, Bob.

Look, baby, I know that you're scared.

That's okay, and I get it, but you don't need to be.

These last few weeks, yeah, they have been weird,

but we can just go back to the way things used to be.

Just you and me...

forever.

- I love you. - Oh, my God. I love you too.

- I love you so much. - I love you so much.

I'm not this guy.

I'm not the guy you deserve.

I'm this fucking guy.

What?

My mom wants me to be Bob, the soon-to-be father, but...

I'm just the Bobfather, you know?

- Are you fucking kidding me? - Look, I know this sounds crazy.

I've never felt more purpose than I have these last few weeks.

These guys need me, and I need them,

and this is gonna keep happening every year for the rest of my life.

And you're just gonna end up hating them and resenting me.

And who knows? Maybe you'll end up shooting me in the balls

and taking all my money like Shel...

- Oh! - Bobby!

You know, I really respect your choice...

and your honesty.

I just wish you would've told me five fucking years ago

that you would've chosen your friend's balls

and their farts over me.

- Where's the gravity? I... - Oh, my God.

Okay, okay, okay, that's enough. You got it out of your system.

Farewell, Bobfather.

Now, nobody does that to my buddy Bob.

- Ooh! - Doc!

You are done, Tiff!

Mama, start the car. Start the car, Mama!

Later, Tiff.

Well, things didn't go exactly as planned,

but then again, the games never do.

Look, you don't stop playing because you get older,

you get older when you stop playing.

Now the boys are back,

and somehow everything seems right again.

In fact, things might even be a little better.

Shelly may not have reclaimed his throne,

but he's back.

Exactly where he belongs.

Still the king.

Turns out Durfy may not be such a shitty actor after all.

He just needed a little nudge.

"You have officially been offered the role of Frankie in..."

Oh, my God!

Yes!

And then there's Bender.

- Look at him. - Call Sheldon again.

- That's the face of a champion. - Calling Sheldon.

Nope.

- Call declined. - Come on, man!

- Call Sheldon again. Call him again! - Please watch your tone.

As for Doc, well,

he was finally able to provide some relief.

It's time I got something off my chest.

So here goes.

- I'm, uh... - I know.

- What do you mean, you know? - I know.

- How long have you known? - Remember back in '96,

when you bought that Cavalier King Charles spaniel,

and you named it after Brad Pitt's character in Legends of the Fall?

- Oh, Tristan. - Way before that.

All right, one more.

I'm gay!

All right, you're all done.

Oh, that felt amazing!

So if I'm not happy with the results, I get a full refund, right?

'Cause I burn through workout equipment

like Gene Simmons does through pussy.

From Kiss.

I mean, fitness is my middle name.

And I'm just afraid... You know, like,

I've broken things before, 'cause I'm so strong, and I'm...

- Shelly, just hear me out. - What are you doing here, dude?

I'm in trouble, and it's bad.

- I need a place to hide out. - No, man!

Oh, my God, I'm in deep shit, man!

Get the fuck out of my house, dude. What are you doing here?

- Bender! - No! No! Aaah!

You're mine, bitch.

You shot my best friend, you son of a bitch! You're fucking dead!

You hear me? You're fucking dead!

Yeah, that's right, you fucking pussy.

"Best friend"?

I'm truly touched by that, man.

What the... You're alive?

Ha, ha, ha! I'm alive!

- It was a joke. I was trying to get you out of the house. - What?

Yeah, you weren't returning my phone calls, dude. I just want to talk.

But, he... he shot you.

Yeah, that's my buddy Thurston. He works for the pawn shop.

I was buying my mom's shit back, and he got me this movie gun.

- What movie is it from? - Ride Along 2.

- Yeah, 50 bucks. Fucking bang, bang, dude. - Hundred bucks.

- You said 50. - I said a hundred.

Twenty-five a bullet and 50 for the gun, that's $100.

You're a fucking liar!

- I'm not paying for that. - Yes, you are.

- No, I'm not. No, I'm not. - Yes, you are. Yes, you are.

What the fuck is going on here?

Look, man,

all I cared about

was you and just making things right again.

You lost your fucking mind, Bender? Get me out of this goddamn chair.

Dude, with that money, I could've done anything.

Got an eight-ball the size of Nebraska,

fucked my way through whatever rogue country this asshole's from,

but that's not what was in my heart.

I felt so bad for you and all the shit you went through,

and I just wanted to get you back on your feet.

So...

here's my plan. Wait for it...

Boom!

A scrot-o!

Fuckin' scrotes!

I got balls for you!

Smell it! Smell!

I got you balls. Fuck you. I got you balls.

Fuckin' Sack Nicholson over here.

Piercings. One with a tattoo on it. Look at this guy.

So many fucking balls, dude.

And then lo and behold...

Sheldon, you're back!

Shel Bell! You look like Elton John.

You're fucking back! Fuck you!

Look at that shit. Juicy!

Long live the king!

Bob's web of lies

has finally come home to roost.

What will happen to poor Bob?

I'm free. And you're fucked.

It's not gross, all right? Our buddy just...

It's a very, very gross present.

- It's not gross. - Why would you get him that?

It's not gross.

I was just a little distracted, um,

planning my speech for the Oscars.

What the fuck is that thing? Fucking cat?

You need the Heimlich, dude? You need the Heimlich?

This is some jackassery, man.

Are you fucking kidding me?

A baby? A baby here?

- Yeah, just take a look at the tailbone there. - No tailbone.

- That's where I draw the line. - Come on.

All right, bend over.

- Great swimsuit. - Thank you.

Can you swim or dive?

Yeah, both.

Well, you can dive on my dick.

Okay. Okay.

- Two more. Two more. - Two more. Two more.

Filled with jizz!

Are you just gonna call it? Okay. Foreground, background...

My dad likes to buy his pie at the store.

Oh, yeah. Store pie's better.

Oh, God.

What's the matter with your woman?

Is she always like this?

I think she's been drinking this morning.

- Really? - Yeah.

Motherfucker!

Fuck!

- I'm so sorry. - On frame, right?

You became a friar. That's dope, right? That is so rad.

- Listen to Lance Bass over here. - Oh, shit!

Oh!

What?

Thanks, Prick Moranis.

Let's play some Buddy Games!

Let's play some "Bloody" Games!

No!

Get it. Get it. Get it.

The, uh, the parking brake wasn't set,

so it just started rolling back.

Let's play some Buddy Games!