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This programme contains strong language
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Next year, all our troubles will be out of sight...
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Your mummy won't be long until she's home.
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Have you got a present for Granny? Have you?
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SHE SNIFFS Oh, I think you have.
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DOORBELL RINGS
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- Oh!
- Hi, Eric!
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- You all right, squire?
- Aye!
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Just to say, that's us off!
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Oh, right, very good. Beth! So, what time's your flight?
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BETH!
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Oh, hi, Cathy. Oh, ready for the off, then?
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Oh, yes. Christmas in the Alps, eh, Cathy?
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Chernobyl, here we come.
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- It's Grenoble, Cath, it's Grenoble.
- Oh.
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All the lovely snow and the mountains
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and those big outdoor cafes with the heaters,
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where you can just sit and smoke and smoke and...
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- ..smoke.
- What the pair of you two up to, then?
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Oh, we're just having it here.
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Aw, just the two of yous?
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Well, Ian's popping over to drop off presents
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and I think he's bringing that new guy he's seeing with him.
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Oh, no need for the mistletoe -
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they'll still be at the "shagging nonstop" stage.
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Aye. Remember that, Eric, eh?
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Well, they're just dropping by
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and then it'll just be the two of us for dinner.
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You'll not be bothering with a turkey
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- if it's just the two of you, then?
- Turkey crown.
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You've got a turkey crown, Beth?
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Oh, I wish I was staying here now.
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OK, let's go.
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Enjoy yourselves. Have a good time.
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Cheers. Hope Santa's good to you!
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Aye, well, he's given us one good present already!
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CHRISTMAS CAROL PLAYS ON TV
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DOORBELL RINGS
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What's happened?
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- DOOR CLOSES
- What's going on?
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French bastards, Beth!
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All right, Cath, all right.
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What happened?
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Air traffic control - they've gone on strike.
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- Oh, no.
- They've cancelled the flight.
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No flights in or out of France for the next 48 hours at least.
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Honestly, Beth, I've not been this disappointed
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since my implants had to come out.
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Oh, what a shame.
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I never, ever, want to go to France or have anything to do with
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anything French ever again in my life.
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I've been looking forward to this for ages, haven't I, Col?
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She has, aye. Had all her tache bleached and everything.
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Look, if you've not got anything else planned,
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well, you're welcome to have your Christmas dinner here if you like.
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Sorry?
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Well, if you're not going away and you've got nothing in, then...
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Colin?
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Er...it saves us cooking.
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That's true. Would we not be better getting a table somewhere?
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- It's too late in the day.
- What about the Thai Fountain?
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- I think they're shut Christmas Day.
- Oh.
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The Indian with the paper tablecloths?
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I think they do something for the homeless.
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Sake! There's definitely nowhere else?
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Not that I can think of.
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That would be lovely, Beth.
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Wait a minute. What about Sophie?
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As long as she doesn't sit opposite me, that'll be fine.
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No, I mean how is she going to get back?
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- Oh, God, of course.
- What do you mean?
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Well, she was out with Christine and the wee one at EuroDisney.
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And the flight back was overbooked.
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So she got put on the waiting list for the next flight home.
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Jeezo! Well, any luck, she won't be affected.
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Stuck?! What do you mean, "stuck"?
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Now, you listen here to me. I don't care how they do it...
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If they have to get Donald fucking Duck himself to fly you back,
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you will get here for this wee one's first Christmas.
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BABY CRIES Sh-sh-sh. It's all right,
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it's all right. Everything's fine.
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That be enough for us, will it?
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Well, it says "serves four".
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Aye, four what - mice?
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There's plenty of veg.
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I wonder if Sophie did make it home last night.
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Well, no news is good news. Let's not get involved.
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- Maybe I should go round and check.
- Beth!
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Hi, Christine. Merry Christmas.
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No' for me, it's not. Come in.
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She's just off the phone a minute ago -
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next chance of a flight's tomorrow.
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Oh, no!
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She says the airport's like a refugee camp.
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There's folk peeing in the prayer room, Beth.
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I mean, on Christmas Day itself.
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And poor Madison.
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Oh, she's devastated.
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Is she?
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Oh, aye. She shat in her bath.
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Oh, dear. Well, listen, why don't you come through to ours?
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Oh, no, we'll just have it here, Beth.
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Are you sure? Cathy and Colin are coming and Ian's popping by.
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No, honestly, we'll be fine.
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We can put Madison upstairs and use the monitor
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and then you can have a mince pie and a glass of wine.
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Just give me two ticks, then.
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OK, I'll just get this.
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In you come. I've got her.
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- Right.
- Didnae bother with a wreath, I see, this year, Beth.
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Oh, she's heavy, isn't she?
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Aye. Sophie's breast-feeding her -
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every time she slips that bra down it's like Man Versus Food.
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There you go, you wee honey.
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Christine's going to join us for dinner.
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Aw. I was hoping you'd say that.
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Compliments of the season, Eric.
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You won't know I'm here - I shan't disturb.
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No problem.
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Aw, look at that! I love a real tree.
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O, Christmas tree
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O, Christmas tree
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De-deedle-ee, de-de-de-de.
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- Do you not find the needles choke up your Hoover, though, Beth?
- Er...
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I'll keep my slippers on, just in case you've missed any.
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I've got the fibre optic tree, Eric, that changes colour.
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Oh, have you?
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Mm-hm. Oh, I cannae put it on the rapid flash, though,
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in case the guinea pig takes another seizure.
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Right, I'd better start getting things into the oven.
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Do you want a drink, Christine?
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Oh, no, not when I've got Madison.
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Aw, the wee soul. She's happy as Larry lying there.
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Aye, so she is.
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Fuck it, then. I'll take a wine.
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- All right?
- Fine.
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That's five of us that's got to feed now.
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It'll be fine. I won't take much.
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What is it you're cooking?
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Turkey crown? Are you not doing a proper turkey?
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- Well, we just thought it would be...
- What veg?
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- Sorry?
- What veg are we getting?
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Er, potatoes, sprouts...
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Are you doing a pig in a blanket?
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- IAN:
- Hi!
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Oh, hi. Come in.
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Merry Christmas.
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Merry Christmas, Mum.
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Aw!
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This is Gordon. Gordon, this is Mum.
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Hello, Mrs Baird. Merry Christmas.
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Ooh! Merry Christmas.
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Ian's told me a lot about you.
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Oh, right. All good, I hope!
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Don't worry - nothing bad.
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Except the story about when you clipped the woman's wing mirror
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in the car park at Sainsbury's and didn't say anything
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and then the police came to the door.
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And about the time you broke wind in the yoga class
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- and everyone was like...
- Why don't we go through?
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That's Ian and Gordon here.
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Oh!
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Hiya, Dad. Merry Christmas.
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Merry Christmas, son.
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- Gordon, this is my Dad.
- Hi Gordon, son.
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Merry Christmas, Mr Baird. Are we doing hugs or...?
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OK, that's fine.
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- All right, Christine. Merry Christmas.
- Mm.
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Christine, this is Gordon.
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Hold on till I get the rest of this pie down me.
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Hello, Gordon.
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Christine stays next door.
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Hello, Christine, merry Christmas. How's your day been so far?
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Oh, a fucking shit show.
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- Oh.
- We were away in EuroDisney and my daughter's stuck out there
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cos she cannae get a flight back.
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Oh, no. Because of the strike?
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No, cos she's been kidnapped by the seven dwarves.
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Aye, because of the strike.
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Here, Beth, Eric tells me that you're no' doing a proper turkey.
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She didnae tell me that
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- when she was dragging me in here, Gordon.
- Well...
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- BABY CRIES
- Aw, there's wee Madison.
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That's my granddaughter, Gordon.
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She's lovely. Aren't they cute at that age?
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She shat in her bath.
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Will I take her upstairs?
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Aw, I don't know, Beth.
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Seems a shame to have her up there on her own.
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We brought you a wee bottle of fizz.
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Well, er, take her up, Beth. Take her away up.
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Aw, thanks very much.
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- Ah, you want a wee drink?
- Aye.
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What do you want?
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Er, just a beer'll do me.
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Gordon?
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Oh, er, something Christmassy.
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A beer in a glass? THEY CHUCKLE
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Have you got any Baileys?
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Oh, I could go one of them as well, Eric.
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You've got your wine.
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Not any more, I don't!
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Could I get a cube of ice in mine?
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It just helps you get the dregs out the bottom of the glass.
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Oh, that's a good idea.
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Here, Eric, I'll have a cube of ice in mine as well.
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PHONE RINGS
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So, Gordon, how come you're not with your own family today, then?
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They're all down in Yorkshire.
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Oh, Yorkshire.
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There was a woman from Yorkshire in front of me
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in the queue for the toilets at EuroDisney.
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Oh, right.
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Mm. She took fucking ages.
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That's her - she's settled now.
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I was just chatting to my wee pal Gordon.
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Here, Beth, do you know that if you put ice cubes into Baileys
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you don't need to stick your finger in to get the rest of it out?
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Right, well, shall we do presents now?
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Cos I know you two can't hang around.
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Actually, I was going to ask if it would be all right
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if we could stay and have our dinner here.
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Oh, I thought you were going to Morven and Lynn's.
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Well, we were but...they cancelled.
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Are you doing a pig in a blanket, Beth?
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Hang on a minute, Christine.
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Well, if you want to, you're more than welcome.
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- Aw, thanks, Mum.
- As long as you're not a fussy eater, Gordon.
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No, no. Well, I'm a vegetarian.
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What's this?
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Ian and Gordon are staying here for their dinner.
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They're... Oh, right, OK.
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SHE HUMS: Jingle Bells
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- Jingle all the way...
- GORDON JOINS IN
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BOTH: Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh
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Hey!
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Jingle bells, jingle bells
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Jingle all the way.
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You, me, Cathy, Colin,
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Christine, Ian.
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- What about Gordon?
- He won't take any.
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- Why not?
- He's vegetarian.
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Oh, God. So what we going to give him?
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I don't know! Vegetables.
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- Oh!
- Och, it'll be fine - we've got
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the big Christmas pudding and that'll fill everyone up.
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Right, come on, let's do these presents.
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Oh, OK. Right, go on.
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That's your dad's.
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Dad, that's for you.
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Thanks very much, son. Much appreciated.
252
00:11:36,560 --> 00:11:39,680
This is where I could start getting all emotional -
253
00:11:39,680 --> 00:11:43,400
this should be me and Sophie sat here exchanging presents.
254
00:11:43,400 --> 00:11:46,280
She was so looking forward to it, as well.
255
00:11:46,280 --> 00:11:47,520
Aw, what did you get her?
256
00:11:47,520 --> 00:11:50,560
Two pairs of tights and a big Dairy Milk.
257
00:11:50,560 --> 00:11:52,160
Right, will we get on with this?
258
00:11:52,160 --> 00:11:54,640
- Mrs Baird, that's for you.
- Ooh! Oh!
259
00:11:54,640 --> 00:11:58,840
Oh, I feel bad opening this in front of you, Christine.
260
00:11:58,840 --> 00:12:03,040
Don't be daft, Beth. You go ahead.
261
00:12:03,040 --> 00:12:07,440
I'm just happy to sit here and watch the surprise on folk's faces
262
00:12:07,440 --> 00:12:09,000
when they open them up.
263
00:12:09,000 --> 00:12:10,840
Oh, I wonder what it is!
264
00:12:10,840 --> 00:12:12,320
That'll be perfume.
265
00:12:13,520 --> 00:12:14,840
It's lovely paper.
266
00:12:14,840 --> 00:12:16,360
I'm telling you, it'll be perfume.
267
00:12:16,360 --> 00:12:17,920
Christine, don't spoil it.
268
00:12:19,480 --> 00:12:20,960
What is it?
269
00:12:20,960 --> 00:12:22,840
It's perfume.
270
00:12:22,840 --> 00:12:24,320
Told you!
271
00:12:24,320 --> 00:12:26,560
Thanks, Ian. Thanks, Gordon.
272
00:12:26,560 --> 00:12:29,640
Absolute pleasure. I'm not saying that you stink!
273
00:12:29,640 --> 00:12:31,720
THEY LAUGH AWKWARDLY
274
00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:35,120
Right, come on, Eric. You open yours.
275
00:12:35,120 --> 00:12:36,760
Come on, Mr Baird, rrr!
276
00:12:36,760 --> 00:12:39,080
Listen, you didn't need to bother - I don't need anything.
277
00:12:39,080 --> 00:12:40,280
It won't be much, Eric.
278
00:12:40,280 --> 00:12:43,680
It'll just be pants that come in a box or a wee tin of posh biscuits.
279
00:12:46,840 --> 00:12:49,120
- Biscuits.
- Told you!
280
00:12:50,640 --> 00:12:55,160
Right, Ian, this is from me and your dad.
281
00:12:55,160 --> 00:12:58,200
Wait - I'll get my phone out. I should really be taking photos.
282
00:12:58,200 --> 00:13:00,880
Oh, here, Gordon, take one of me before I get pished.
283
00:13:03,040 --> 00:13:04,520
Aw, thanks a lot.
284
00:13:05,600 --> 00:13:07,080
That'll be something to wear.
285
00:13:07,080 --> 00:13:09,800
- Christine!
- Sorry.
286
00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:11,600
A polo shirt or the likes.
287
00:13:11,600 --> 00:13:13,920
- Hey!
- Sorry, sorry.
288
00:13:15,160 --> 00:13:17,560
Aw, that's lovely. Do you like it?
289
00:13:17,560 --> 00:13:19,280
That's really nice. Ralph Lauren!
290
00:13:19,280 --> 00:13:22,200
- Ralph Lauren, aye?
- Yeah.
291
00:13:22,200 --> 00:13:24,160
12.99, TK Maxx.
292
00:13:28,520 --> 00:13:29,920
Have you got the bag, Colin?
293
00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:33,440
Merry Christmas.
294
00:13:34,960 --> 00:13:36,800
I'm supposed to be skiing.
295
00:13:42,720 --> 00:13:44,800
What a shame.
296
00:13:44,800 --> 00:13:46,600
Wee Madison's first Christmas
297
00:13:46,600 --> 00:13:49,680
and her mum's not even here to give her her presents.
298
00:13:49,680 --> 00:13:51,800
I was thinking - why don't we...?
299
00:13:51,800 --> 00:13:54,080
Och, no, no.
300
00:13:54,080 --> 00:13:55,720
What?
301
00:13:55,720 --> 00:13:58,200
Where's that Santa suit we had?
302
00:13:58,200 --> 00:14:00,680
MUSIC: Last Christmas by Wham!
303
00:14:00,680 --> 00:14:03,400
PHONE RINGS
304
00:14:08,160 --> 00:14:09,560
Who was that?
305
00:14:09,560 --> 00:14:11,880
It's my mum. I'll call her later.
306
00:14:11,880 --> 00:14:14,200
How come you're not speaking to her?
307
00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:17,600
It's just...
308
00:14:17,600 --> 00:14:20,400
..if I speak to her, I'll have to speak to my dad.
309
00:14:20,400 --> 00:14:21,920
And?
310
00:14:21,920 --> 00:14:24,160
And he'll ask me where I am.
311
00:14:24,160 --> 00:14:26,960
- And?
- Well, he doesn't know.
312
00:14:28,360 --> 00:14:30,680
He doesn't know you're having Christmas with me?
313
00:14:30,680 --> 00:14:33,320
- No, he doesn't know that.
- DOORBELL RINGS
314
00:14:33,320 --> 00:14:35,760
He also doesn't know I'm gay, to be honest.
315
00:14:35,760 --> 00:14:37,280
What?!
316
00:14:39,040 --> 00:14:40,560
BOTH: Merry Christmas.
317
00:14:40,560 --> 00:14:42,280
- Hi, Cathy. Hi, Colin.
- BABY CRIES
318
00:14:42,280 --> 00:14:44,800
- CHRISTINE:
- That's Madison awake. - Two ticks. In you come.
319
00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:47,320
- How you feeling?
- Fucking gutted, Beth.
320
00:14:47,320 --> 00:14:48,680
I got new pants.
321
00:14:50,520 --> 00:14:51,640
Hey!
322
00:14:51,640 --> 00:14:52,840
Merry Christmas.
323
00:14:52,840 --> 00:14:56,160
Ho, ho, ho. Merry Christmas, everybody.
324
00:14:56,160 --> 00:14:57,680
Merry Christmas.
325
00:14:57,680 --> 00:14:59,280
- Hi, Ian.
- Hiya!
326
00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:04,840
Oh, and you must be Gordon. Look, Colin - Ian and Gordon.
327
00:15:04,840 --> 00:15:07,040
Or is it Gordon and Ian?
328
00:15:07,040 --> 00:15:09,320
I suppose it might depend on who's the...
329
00:15:09,320 --> 00:15:11,440
Merry Christmas, Cathy.
330
00:15:11,440 --> 00:15:15,720
Oh, merry Christmas, Gordon, honey. Let me just give you a little kiss.
331
00:15:18,080 --> 00:15:20,120
Ah-oh-oh-oh! Peck on the lips.
332
00:15:20,120 --> 00:15:22,440
Peck on the lips, Gordon, just for Christmas.
333
00:15:24,200 --> 00:15:25,680
That's you.
334
00:15:28,040 --> 00:15:29,440
Merry Christmas, boys.
335
00:15:29,440 --> 00:15:31,040
Merry Christmas!
336
00:15:31,040 --> 00:15:32,680
Really different from Jaz, isn't he?
337
00:15:32,680 --> 00:15:35,640
What's your type, Ian - just...anything?
338
00:15:35,640 --> 00:15:37,480
Yous had a good day, boys?
339
00:15:37,480 --> 00:15:40,280
Oh, yes, lovely. Very nice.
340
00:15:40,280 --> 00:15:42,040
Getting a bit hungry now, mind you.
341
00:15:42,040 --> 00:15:43,760
Ready for our Christmas dinner, you know.
342
00:15:43,760 --> 00:15:46,640
Oh, aye, I could do with something myself.
343
00:15:46,640 --> 00:15:49,680
I mean, there's nothing in these pies of hers.
344
00:15:49,680 --> 00:15:51,560
You having it here as well, are you?
345
00:15:51,560 --> 00:15:54,120
Your mum said you were going to a lesbian's house.
346
00:15:55,320 --> 00:15:57,040
We were, aye, but...
347
00:15:57,040 --> 00:15:58,840
Our plans fell through as well.
348
00:15:58,840 --> 00:16:00,640
Oh, no. What happened?
349
00:16:00,640 --> 00:16:02,640
We were supposed to be skiing
350
00:16:02,640 --> 00:16:06,320
in a five-star resort just outside Chernobyl, Gordon.
351
00:16:06,320 --> 00:16:07,520
Grenoble.
352
00:16:07,520 --> 00:16:11,560
Yes, but the French Air Traffic fuckers fucking fucked us, Gordon.
353
00:16:11,560 --> 00:16:13,800
Is this your first time here, is it, Gordon?
354
00:16:13,800 --> 00:16:16,280
It is, yeah. I'm the new boy!
355
00:16:17,560 --> 00:16:19,280
Aye, very good.
356
00:16:19,280 --> 00:16:20,960
And where did the pair of you meet -
357
00:16:20,960 --> 00:16:25,360
was it online or was it, like, in a park?
358
00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:28,280
- BABY MURMURS
- Here she is.
359
00:16:28,280 --> 00:16:31,080
ALL EXCLAIM
360
00:16:32,560 --> 00:16:34,440
Christine, that's Madison down now.
361
00:16:34,440 --> 00:16:36,800
- Has she been changed?
- Yes.
362
00:16:36,800 --> 00:16:40,560
All right. Just keep your eye on her for me, then, please.
363
00:16:40,560 --> 00:16:42,400
What a shame Sophie's not back.
364
00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:43,640
I know.
365
00:16:43,640 --> 00:16:46,080
How is Madison? Is she all right?
366
00:16:46,080 --> 00:16:47,400
She shat in the bath.
367
00:16:49,360 --> 00:16:54,040
Well, never mind that, cos we've got a nice surprise for you.
368
00:16:54,040 --> 00:16:55,160
Is it a turkey?
369
00:16:56,240 --> 00:16:58,160
Wait and I'll see if he's ready.
370
00:16:59,160 --> 00:17:04,240
Oh, is that something I can hear on the roof?
371
00:17:04,240 --> 00:17:05,840
Is it reindeer?
372
00:17:05,840 --> 00:17:08,240
Is she half cut already?
373
00:17:08,240 --> 00:17:10,080
We're ready for you now!
374
00:17:10,080 --> 00:17:14,320
Ho, ho, ho. Santa's here.
375
00:17:15,520 --> 00:17:16,680
Oh, good god.
376
00:17:16,680 --> 00:17:19,480
- Merry Christmas!
- What's this?
377
00:17:19,480 --> 00:17:22,240
Oh, it was your dad's idea for Madison,
378
00:17:22,240 --> 00:17:24,320
seeing as Sophie can't be here.
379
00:17:24,320 --> 00:17:26,800
Oh, look, Madison, who's this?
380
00:17:26,800 --> 00:17:31,520
Hello, Madison. Have you been a good girl? Have you, Madison?
381
00:17:31,520 --> 00:17:32,840
- COLIN:
- Eric!
382
00:17:32,840 --> 00:17:34,520
- Have you been a...
- Eric! - ..good girl?
383
00:17:34,520 --> 00:17:38,240
Eric! That's a bit threatening, that, Eric. I'd pitch it up a bit.
384
00:17:39,760 --> 00:17:42,160
Aw, she's still a bit sleepy.
385
00:17:42,160 --> 00:17:43,960
Hold on.
386
00:17:43,960 --> 00:17:45,760
TOY SQUEAKS
387
00:17:45,760 --> 00:17:47,480
That's her now.
388
00:17:47,480 --> 00:17:50,600
Right, well, you sit down here, Santa,
389
00:17:50,600 --> 00:17:54,040
and give Madison all her presents.
390
00:17:54,040 --> 00:17:58,320
Beth, Beth, could I just nip out for a cigarette while this is happening?
391
00:17:58,320 --> 00:18:01,000
No. That's OK!
392
00:18:01,000 --> 00:18:02,760
There we go!
393
00:18:02,760 --> 00:18:04,000
Look at the beard.
394
00:18:05,480 --> 00:18:07,960
What happened to your beard, Santa?
395
00:18:07,960 --> 00:18:10,400
Oh, don't ask. Her pal, Pat.
396
00:18:10,400 --> 00:18:11,520
What is it?
397
00:18:11,520 --> 00:18:13,760
That's the same suit that Pat was wearing
398
00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:16,000
- when she set fire to herself.
- She what?!
399
00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:20,800
Well, she tried to light a fag and the whole beard went up in flames.
400
00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:22,440
Oh, for God's sake.
401
00:18:22,440 --> 00:18:25,200
It's the flame on that lighter of hers.
402
00:18:25,200 --> 00:18:26,960
It's like a blowtorch.
403
00:18:26,960 --> 00:18:30,680
Honest to God, when she whips that out at the bus stop,
404
00:18:30,680 --> 00:18:34,160
you don't know whether she's going to light a fag or fix the pavement.
405
00:18:34,160 --> 00:18:36,240
Are you all right, sweetheart, eh?
406
00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:38,480
- ALL:
- Aw.
407
00:18:38,480 --> 00:18:42,720
Oh, Santa, you must be tired after your journey
408
00:18:42,720 --> 00:18:44,760
all the way from the North Pole, hmm?
409
00:18:44,760 --> 00:18:47,480
I hope you didn't give out any presents to
410
00:18:47,480 --> 00:18:49,520
anyone in France on the way,
411
00:18:49,520 --> 00:18:52,920
- because they are off the list.
- Cathy!
412
00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:58,120
Right, here you go, Santa, here's the first one.
413
00:18:58,120 --> 00:19:00,000
Col, Beth's an elf.
414
00:19:01,800 --> 00:19:03,520
And who's this from?
415
00:19:03,520 --> 00:19:05,520
- This is from us.
- All right.
416
00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:07,400
Aw, let's see.
417
00:19:07,400 --> 00:19:11,720
Aw, that's nice, Beth. Oh, she loves elephants.
418
00:19:11,720 --> 00:19:14,560
They love them in China, too. The tusks.
419
00:19:14,560 --> 00:19:16,800
They put it in the cups of tea in the brothels.
420
00:19:19,880 --> 00:19:23,640
Here's one from us - that's from me and Gordon.
421
00:19:23,640 --> 00:19:28,480
Oh, look at the card! Look, Christine,
422
00:19:28,480 --> 00:19:30,040
there's a wee robin on it.
423
00:19:30,040 --> 00:19:32,520
- Is it cash or a voucher?
- Voucher.
424
00:19:32,520 --> 00:19:34,040
SHE TUTS
425
00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:36,440
Right, so is that us all done?
426
00:19:36,440 --> 00:19:38,000
Erm...
427
00:19:41,120 --> 00:19:42,960
Oh, don't worry, don't worry.
428
00:19:42,960 --> 00:19:45,800
No, no, no, no! Colin, where's the, er...? Where's the bag?
429
00:19:45,800 --> 00:19:48,120
- Mmm?
- The bag with the pressies in it.
430
00:19:48,120 --> 00:19:51,240
- Oh, er...
- Oh, here it is.
431
00:19:51,240 --> 00:19:54,480
Right, er, let's see what we've got.
432
00:19:54,480 --> 00:19:58,560
Boy, oh, boy, let's see what we've got for you.
433
00:19:58,560 --> 00:20:02,680
Now, I'm afraid I haven't had time to wrap it, but it is...
434
00:20:03,800 --> 00:20:05,800
A beautiful bottle of tonic.
435
00:20:14,160 --> 00:20:16,080
OK, we're nearly ready.
436
00:20:17,480 --> 00:20:19,080
- It's a wee bit...
- Don't!
437
00:20:19,080 --> 00:20:20,960
Look, are you wanting me to open a tin of beans -
438
00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:22,200
just fill the plates out a bit?
439
00:20:22,200 --> 00:20:25,200
I am not serving beans with Christmas dinner, Eric!
440
00:20:25,200 --> 00:20:26,800
We've got loads of sprouts
441
00:20:26,800 --> 00:20:30,520
and that big Christmas pudding for afters - we'll be fine.
442
00:20:30,520 --> 00:20:32,120
All right, Christine?
443
00:20:32,120 --> 00:20:36,160
Aye, fine, Beth. Is that us nearly ready for getting our dinner, then?
444
00:20:36,160 --> 00:20:37,800
Yes.
445
00:20:37,800 --> 00:20:40,280
Oh, I WILL go just now, then.
446
00:20:40,280 --> 00:20:43,240
SHE HUMS: O Christmas Tree
447
00:20:43,240 --> 00:20:45,800
So, you not with the family today, Gordon?
448
00:20:45,800 --> 00:20:47,120
No, no.
449
00:20:47,120 --> 00:20:49,160
Where are you from, Gordon?
450
00:20:49,160 --> 00:20:50,920
Yorkshire.
451
00:20:50,920 --> 00:20:54,080
- Hmm?
- Near Manchester, the airport where we fly to Dubai from.
452
00:20:54,080 --> 00:20:55,680
Oh, right.
453
00:20:55,680 --> 00:20:58,440
You'll be giving your folks a wee ring at some point, no?
454
00:20:58,440 --> 00:21:01,080
Colin called his dad earlier to wish him merry Christmas.
455
00:21:01,080 --> 00:21:04,240
Well, I left a message with one of the nurses.
456
00:21:04,240 --> 00:21:06,800
Aw, look! Oh, Colin, look. Isn't she sweet?
457
00:21:06,800 --> 00:21:08,400
- SPLASHING
- Oh!
458
00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:09,760
Pass me a wipe out my bag.
459
00:21:10,880 --> 00:21:14,760
Right, folks, shift your bums up to the table - food's nearly ready.
460
00:21:14,760 --> 00:21:17,680
Two ticks. Gordon's going to phone his mum first.
461
00:21:17,680 --> 00:21:20,040
Oh, I'll do it later.
462
00:21:20,040 --> 00:21:23,480
No, the food's not out yet - you're fine. Go on.
463
00:21:23,480 --> 00:21:27,520
Oh, crackers! I love crackers. Come on, Ian, let's do one.
464
00:21:30,400 --> 00:21:32,080
That is shit.
465
00:21:32,080 --> 00:21:33,760
Beth, your crackers are shit!
466
00:21:40,960 --> 00:21:42,600
Hello!
467
00:21:42,600 --> 00:21:44,480
Oh, hiya, Dad.
468
00:21:44,480 --> 00:21:45,720
Yeah, merry Christmas.
469
00:21:46,840 --> 00:21:49,640
I'm good, yeah. Uh-huh.
470
00:21:49,640 --> 00:21:54,280
That's lovely loo roll with the holly on it, Eric. Very Christmassy.
471
00:21:54,280 --> 00:21:56,720
Christine, Gordon's dad's on the phone.
472
00:21:56,720 --> 00:21:59,440
Oh, well, just a quick word, then.
473
00:22:01,120 --> 00:22:04,560
Merry Christmas. It's Christine here.
474
00:22:04,560 --> 00:22:08,480
Christine. I live next door to Ian's mum.
475
00:22:08,480 --> 00:22:11,000
What do you mean, "Who's Ian?"
476
00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:12,600
Ian - Gordon's boyf...
477
00:22:15,640 --> 00:22:18,000
I'll just pass you back.
478
00:22:18,000 --> 00:22:19,480
Okey dokey.
479
00:22:26,520 --> 00:22:30,920
Here we go! I tell you what - I am ravenous.
480
00:22:30,920 --> 00:22:34,560
Me too - it's all that running about after the wee one.
481
00:22:34,560 --> 00:22:36,080
OK, that's us, folks.
482
00:22:36,080 --> 00:22:38,400
THEY CHEER I'm ready for this, I tell you!
483
00:22:38,400 --> 00:22:40,760
- Woohoo!
- There you are.
484
00:22:54,240 --> 00:22:56,000
What's this?
485
00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:57,920
It's Christmas dinner, Christine.
486
00:22:57,920 --> 00:22:59,920
It looks like a wee plate of leftovers
487
00:22:59,920 --> 00:23:01,480
you'd put out for the birds.
488
00:23:01,480 --> 00:23:03,440
We only thought it was going to be the two of us.
489
00:23:03,440 --> 00:23:05,800
It's fine - we always eat too much anyway.
490
00:23:05,800 --> 00:23:07,440
No chance of that the day.
491
00:23:07,440 --> 00:23:10,080
There's a big Christmas pudding in there for after.
492
00:23:10,080 --> 00:23:13,480
It looks lovely. Isn't the main thing that we're all here together?
493
00:23:21,160 --> 00:23:22,760
- All right?
- Yeah, fine.
494
00:23:22,760 --> 00:23:25,640
Right, now, who would like gravy?
495
00:23:25,640 --> 00:23:28,360
- Yes.
- What's she serving that in - a thimble?
496
00:23:33,640 --> 00:23:35,280
Bon appetit!
497
00:23:35,280 --> 00:23:36,480
What?
498
00:23:36,480 --> 00:23:38,120
It's French for "enjoy your..."
499
00:23:50,200 --> 00:23:56,120
Well, it's maybe not the biggest, but it's absolutely delicious.
500
00:23:59,720 --> 00:24:01,640
Ach, it's a shame Sophie's not here.
501
00:24:01,640 --> 00:24:04,120
Will she get Christmas dinner over there?
502
00:24:04,120 --> 00:24:07,120
Nup. A ham baguette, a strawberry yogurt
503
00:24:07,120 --> 00:24:08,680
and a bit of Ryanair shortbread.
504
00:24:08,680 --> 00:24:12,560
God, that's a nightmare. I feel so sorry for her.
505
00:24:12,560 --> 00:24:16,280
- She's not the only one who's had her Christmas ruined.
- Sorry?
506
00:24:16,280 --> 00:24:19,240
I'm just saying, Sophie's not the only one who has had her
507
00:24:19,240 --> 00:24:21,800
- Christmas turned upside down.
- You're not wrong there.
508
00:24:21,800 --> 00:24:23,600
I should be up a mountain right now.
509
00:24:23,600 --> 00:24:26,720
Like, a proper mountain, with a bar at the top
510
00:24:26,720 --> 00:24:29,840
and a medical centre in case you break your leg
511
00:24:29,840 --> 00:24:32,840
or your lips go all...dry.
512
00:24:32,840 --> 00:24:38,040
A-and snow that's properly white, not like the stuff we get here
513
00:24:38,040 --> 00:24:40,880
that just goes brown and disappears.
514
00:24:40,880 --> 00:24:43,800
This is the worst Christmas I think I've honestly ever had.
515
00:24:43,800 --> 00:24:45,200
Now, look, Cathy...
516
00:24:45,200 --> 00:24:46,960
All right, Cath, all right.
517
00:24:49,040 --> 00:24:51,680
Look, there's something I arranged -
518
00:24:51,680 --> 00:24:55,160
a wee surprise that I was gonnae show you while we were away, but...
519
00:24:57,120 --> 00:24:59,080
..it might be all right now.
520
00:25:01,280 --> 00:25:02,600
Let's go outside.
521
00:25:02,600 --> 00:25:04,120
Come on, everyone.
522
00:25:04,120 --> 00:25:06,920
Come and see what I got Cathy for Christmas. Come on, grab your coats.
523
00:25:06,920 --> 00:25:09,360
- ERIC: What's he on about? GORDON:
- What's this?
524
00:25:14,280 --> 00:25:16,480
- Chilly, isn't it?
- Well, there's nothing here.
525
00:25:16,480 --> 00:25:19,840
It's not out here - it's up there.
526
00:25:19,840 --> 00:25:22,120
- What?
- Look up there!
527
00:25:24,080 --> 00:25:26,720
- CHRISTINE:
- I cannae see anything.
528
00:25:26,720 --> 00:25:29,320
I have bought you a star.
529
00:25:29,320 --> 00:25:31,120
SHE GASPS
530
00:25:31,120 --> 00:25:32,840
- No!
- Aye!
531
00:25:32,840 --> 00:25:36,240
I've adopted a star and it's named after you.
532
00:25:36,240 --> 00:25:38,680
Oh, my God. Oh, my God, Col.
533
00:25:38,680 --> 00:25:42,720
Beth, I've got a star named after me. What one is it?
534
00:25:42,720 --> 00:25:44,320
Well, er...
535
00:25:45,480 --> 00:25:47,880
See that... See that big one there?
536
00:25:47,880 --> 00:25:49,400
Oh, wow!
537
00:25:50,520 --> 00:25:53,240
Well, next to that, there's a weer one.
538
00:25:53,240 --> 00:25:55,080
Uh-huh.
539
00:25:55,080 --> 00:25:58,120
And to the left of that, just down a bit.
540
00:25:59,520 --> 00:26:00,720
- That one?
- What one?
541
00:26:00,720 --> 00:26:03,960
- The one in between the two that are close together.
- No, down a bit.
542
00:26:03,960 --> 00:26:05,040
Right.
543
00:26:06,080 --> 00:26:07,200
So, what did he say?
544
00:26:08,280 --> 00:26:09,480
Oh, not much.
545
00:26:10,640 --> 00:26:13,040
He was going to find out sooner or later.
546
00:26:13,040 --> 00:26:14,400
Was he all right about it?
547
00:26:15,480 --> 00:26:17,800
- Not too bad.
- That's good.
548
00:26:17,800 --> 00:26:18,920
I'm glad.
549
00:26:18,920 --> 00:26:20,960
Must be a weight off your mind.
550
00:26:20,960 --> 00:26:23,480
Are you still going to go down and see them at New Year?
551
00:26:23,480 --> 00:26:25,000
No.
552
00:26:26,280 --> 00:26:28,920
Not a cloud in the sky, eh, Beth?
553
00:26:28,920 --> 00:26:30,520
I know.
554
00:26:30,520 --> 00:26:32,520
Makes you think, doesn't it?
555
00:26:32,520 --> 00:26:34,120
Yes, it does.
556
00:26:34,120 --> 00:26:35,680
Makes you think...
557
00:26:35,680 --> 00:26:39,320
..there are worse places to live than this, eh?
558
00:26:40,400 --> 00:26:42,880
Oh, I see it, I see it! Look!
559
00:26:42,880 --> 00:26:45,040
What did you call it?
560
00:26:45,040 --> 00:26:46,080
Cathy.
561
00:26:47,200 --> 00:26:49,000
Oh!
562
00:26:49,000 --> 00:26:56,120
Beth, look! That's me. That's my star! I'm a star, in the sky!
563
00:26:57,960 --> 00:27:00,120
Fuck this. I'm wanting my pudding.
564
00:27:09,880 --> 00:27:11,120
Come here, you.
565
00:27:13,480 --> 00:27:14,640
Merry Christmas.
566
00:27:16,400 --> 00:27:18,560
I mean, Gordon, all right,
567
00:27:18,560 --> 00:27:22,040
Sophie didnae make it home, we've had fuck all to eat
568
00:27:22,040 --> 00:27:25,800
and Madison got a bottle of tonic water for her Christmas,
569
00:27:25,800 --> 00:27:29,480
but in the grand scheme of things, could've been a lot worse, eh?
570
00:27:29,480 --> 00:27:31,320
Yeah.
571
00:27:31,320 --> 00:27:34,520
OK, who fancies Christmas pudding?
572
00:27:34,520 --> 00:27:36,960
- Me!
- Oh, yes!
573
00:27:36,960 --> 00:27:38,080
Make some space.
574
00:27:39,600 --> 00:27:42,280
That's it. Move that there.
575
00:27:46,600 --> 00:27:48,400
Here it comes!
576
00:27:48,400 --> 00:27:50,400
Ho, ho, ho!
577
00:27:50,400 --> 00:27:52,920
THEY CHEER
578
00:27:52,920 --> 00:27:56,680
Here he is - Santa Eric!
579
00:27:56,680 --> 00:27:59,480
- SHE CHANTS:
- Santa Claus, Santa Claus!
580
00:27:59,480 --> 00:28:00,680
Are you ready?
581
00:28:00,680 --> 00:28:02,120
ALL: Yes!
582
00:28:04,000 --> 00:28:06,720
ALL: Ooh!
583
00:28:06,720 --> 00:28:08,760
THEY YELL
584
00:28:08,760 --> 00:28:10,600
Who's got a beard that's long and white?
585
00:28:10,600 --> 00:28:12,320
Santa's got a beard that's long and white
586
00:28:12,320 --> 00:28:14,080
Who comes round on a special night?
587
00:28:14,080 --> 00:28:15,640
Santa comes round on a special night
588
00:28:15,640 --> 00:28:17,320
Special night, beard that's white
589
00:28:17,320 --> 00:28:20,760
Must be Santa, must be Santa
590
00:28:20,760 --> 00:28:23,560
Must be Santa, Santa Claus
591
00:28:26,320 --> 00:28:27,800
Who wears boots and a suit of red?
592
00:28:27,800 --> 00:28:29,480
Santa wears boots and a suit of red
593
00:28:29,480 --> 00:28:31,280
Who wears a long cap on his head?
594
00:28:31,280 --> 00:28:33,040
Santa wears a long cap on his head
595
00:28:33,040 --> 00:28:34,440
Cap on head, suit that's red
596
00:28:34,440 --> 00:28:36,520
Special night, beard that's white.
597
00:28:36,570 --> 00:28:41,120
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