All language subtitles for The.witches1967

THE WITCH BURNED ALIVE

I wonder why they don't answer.

Hey! Answer the door.

- Ah! It's about time.
- Ah! Hello, hello.

- Come on, sweetie. Speed it up.
- Dino, come!

Hurry up and get the bags in.

There, give him that. Make it quick, boys.
We didn't come here to freeze.

Take that jewel case upstairs.
It's very valuable.

For heaven's sake, be careful with it.

Is it her? I can't believe it!

It's marvelous. It's perfectly divine!
Incredible!

It's me, my dear, but don't worry.
I'm just coming and going.

No one is to know I'm here.
I got away from them all.

I did a crazy thing.

You don't mean
that you need permission to get away.

Thanks, Gloria, thanks.

Dolf, Dino, Maria, the bags go upstairs,
and be quiet.

- Good morning, my dear!
- Good morning, madam.

I wanted to help celebrate the 10th
anniversary of your husband's infidelity.

- Gloria, please, the servants!
- Do they mind?

Go on, darling. Say whatever you wish.

Everyone knows how witty and charming
you always are, how utterly amusing.

No, no, no, no.

Not now. I want you to be a surprise,
my little offering to my guests. Up there!

- Judith, call up my husband in New York.
- Right away.

If he tries to call me in London
and I'm not there, he'll go mad.

Here's your room, or should I say mine.

As for me, darling, I'm actually
going to go sleep with my husband.

Amazing, isn't it?
They'll be thrilled that you're here.

Paolo especially.
He dreamed about you last night.

Here. Look, Gloria, just look.
Look at this.

You're here, you're there,
you're everywhere I look.

Every woman wants to look like you.
Unfortunately, we come off second best.

All the rest of us poor women
are imitation Glorias.

You hate me for it?

Of course not. It would mean hating
too many other women.

Let me try on your hat, darling.

You see? This sort of thing
doesn't suit me.

- It's adorable.
- Simply not my style.

- Don't be silly.
- I don't know why, but it just isn't.

What's this?

It's your husband.

You mean you travel with it?
You still love him?

Well, frankly, he keeps me so busy
I never think about it.

A queen couldn't live better.
Country houses, jewels...

I'm so tired,
I feel like I'm going out of my mind.

I must get a rest of 12 months,
and I'm not allowed one day!

Your husband is a wife killer.

Oh, no, he's a genius.

He's given me everything,
absolutely everything.

It makes me feel like
committing suicide sometimes.

Gloria, you poor darling.

Gloria, here's your jewel case.

Just put it on the bed, dear. Thanks.

I put through the call to New York,
but there'll be a long wait.

You know what, dear?

It's because you're so happy
that you're crying.

- Think so?
- I'm sure of it.

I'm the one who should be crying,
screaming.

Why?

Paolo won't make love to me anymore.

- Oh, no?
- Yes.

That's true.

He comes into my room once a year.

Maria, what are you doing? Come!

But he won't expect me to sleep
with the servants tonight.

All the guest rooms are occupied.
So he'll have to sleep with me tonight.

My friends, my dear friends,

you mustn't have heart failure because
our nearest specialist is in Vienna.

Now guess who's here, in person?

Here she is!

Shit!

It can't be you, my dear. Our own Gloria!

But you look more like
Nefertiti's mother-in-law.

I'm flattered, darling.

I'm not joking. She was lovely.
The glamour girl of the 18th dynasty.

She comes from the basest
background imaginable, the mud.

But I don't agree, darling.

She's below sea level, she's so base.

This is a special night,
so you can't play poker.

- Oh, no! Why not, Valeria?
- No, poker. No. I'll decide what to do.

What are we going to play?

Charades, the "ring game"
and "tell me the truth."

Don't we always have fun
when we're together?

Come along, Gloria.
We'll have coffee in the living room.

Poor thing. It seems
she's the bank clerk's only daughter.

There's nothing the matter with
being a pauper or with being a prince.

It's the in-between that's disgusting,
the middle class.

When I heard the doorknob rattling,
I stopped.

Then all of a sudden he came in the door
wearing the silliest...

Look out there, Gloria.

The land was frightfully expensive,
but the view alone is worth a million.

Postcards would have been cheaper,
though.

Gloria, a drink?

A gin.

- With what?
- A gin chaser.

- Coffee?
- No, thanks.

No? No coffee?

- Let me play you at poker.
- I can win back my losses.

- I'm sorry. We're not allowed to play.
- Yes, but I'm the boss around here.

Beautiful life we lead, eh?
Lots of snow, but I don't ski.

Let's play a charming game of charades.

And maybe the presence of
such a great actress will inspire us.

You've got to be quiet.
The children are asleep.

Certainly, calm down.

Poor children. What a bore.

Are we supposed to stop talking?
What is this, a convent or something?

You're a product, a sublime product,

magnificently calculated
for the market, though.

And the product is the basis
of all industry, and thus society.

If a saleable product varies in quality,

if it changes color,
smells different or changes shape,

that means trouble for the producer.

The created image must remain
the same, or the competitors wake up.

Pardon.

For example, in my canned meat,
I don't allow any change in recipe.

It could be made to taste much better,

but that might endanger the balance
of a whole industry.

I find your comparing me to canned meat
in extremely poor taste.

Try and guess where I hid the ring.

It's in a funny place,
and if you find it, I lose,

but I'll be a sport
and perform a striptease...

But I won't be as sexy as Gloria.

Let's use canned peaches in syrup
as a comparison, then.

Where, oh, where is my little
diamond ring, of all silly things?

No, not there.
It's ridiculous, isn't it?

- Come on, Gloria, help me look for it.
- Alright. I'll come.

The fact is that you artists
are curious industrial specimens,

precarious investments,

with a case of laryngitis
or a love affair,

you're finished.
Everything goes up in smoke.

There it is. I see it. I found it.
I found it!

I should have found it considering
what I paid for it.

- Found it!
- A lot of money, right?

- You, too, Paolo?
- Where is it?

- No!
- Come on, tell me, where is it?

It's very kind of you, thanks.

I 90 HOW!

Don't answer, Valeria.
Tell me where it is.

I don't know, Gloria...

- It's over there, then!
- I can't see it.

Come on, where is it?
Where is it?

Haven't you found it, yet?

What are you looking for?

I'm just looking.

So am I. Looking for something.

- You're jealous.
- Don't bother looking in there.

- I didn't hide it in the dining room.
- I can't find it.

I can't find it, no.

Gloria. Gloria.
Gloria, go ahead and look.

Did you find it, Gloria?

- Look, Gloria, look.
- Look. Look, Gloria.

Look, Gloria.

Look...

There, there you are at last! The ring.

Here it is.

It was a beautifully simple hiding place,
my dear, awfully original and silly.

- Gloria, are you well?
- No, why?

You're so pale.
Shall we stop playing?

No, I'm alright. Since I didn't find it,
I've got to pay a penalty.

But someone's got to accompany me
on the piano.

That's what I'm here for, madam.

- Do you know the witches' song?
- Sure.

That's it. Fine. Very nice.

Oh my God, Gloria!

Stop the music.
She doesn't feel well!

- Quick. Let's get her over to the couch.
- She needs some fresh air.

- Let's get her some water.
- Don't badger her!

Slowly. Slowly.
Here you go. It's nothing.

Call her husband in New York and say
that she can't possibly move from here.

Dolf, call New York right away.

- Should I make it urgent or regular?
- Urgent, of course.

Excuse me,
but that's three times as much.

I know what she needs.
A big horse steak!

Close the window. It's cold.
Are you crazy?

Just because she fainted, you think
I'm going to catch pneumonia?

You stupid old man.

- I'll stand by the phone and wait.
- Thanks.

I'm going to carry her upstairs.

Better let me. I'm used to it,
and probably stronger, too.

Look, I'm the host here,
so forget that, too.

Stop it. That's enough!
Shut up and get a hot water bottle.

And if you're so keen on being a miracle
worker, get the first train to Lourdes.

That hat's bad for her.
It's pinching her temples.

No, it's because
the mink eyelashes are heavy.

They're bad for her even though
they do help her looks.

It's a torture, poor dear. A real torture.

Careful there.

There we go.

Gloria...
Look at them.

I'm telling you,
It's because of the mink eyelashes...

There we are.

She shouldn't be let out
on her own.

She ought to be locked up in a safe.

I agree with you.

The important thing is to get her
out of their claws but quick.

God! Looks like a rat fished out of water!

Eye slanters. I knew she couldn't
possibly have such beautiful eyes.

That's what's making her sick.
Quick, pull them off!

Wait. Let me do it for her.

There, there, Gloria.

You're still quite pretty
without all your trappings.

- Do something. Get her out of here.
- What should I do?

The hot water bottle, madam.

- Did you call the doctor, Dino?
- Yes, sir.

- What'd he say?
- He'll be right here.

Good, that'll be all.

- At least those are real.
- What's that?

Not falsies.

These. Everything else is fake.

- She's going to be sick.
- But it's better if she throws up.

We ate so badly
that I'm not surprised at all.

Well, thank you.

A hair net.
We forgot to take off the hair net.

She's even more beautiful like this.

You can say that again.
I feel privileged.

Here I am.

But who is this beauty?

What brings you to my door, dear wife?

Just passing through.

Watch.
I'm a good dancer, aren't I?

The last time I came by was
nearly five years ago. Am I right?

That's right.
It was quite a stormy encounter.

To say the least!

Don't touch me! Are you mad?

Stop.

I hope I didn't wake her up. No.

Don't you want to celebrate?

It's our 10th anniversary
and finally we're alone.

You mustn't talk like that.
It's too vulgar. Quiet down!

After a day like this one,

hot and cold water bottles...
I'm dead!

Come on. Let's sleep.

That's fine. Sleep alone, then.

You fool.

Come in, dear.

There's something wrong
with the hot water.

It won't run for some reason.
Take a look at it.

Something wrong?

Look. See, there's just no hot water.

What are you looking at?

Nothing, really.

Now, I understand...

Good for you.

She's beautiful, huh?

A beauty. I know that.

Don't say it! Don't say no!

I already said it. Now let me go.

Be nice to me, baby. Be nice.

But I thought you were with your wife.

I am, but she's an ugly old witch.

You like them young, is that it?

I like you, very much!

Are you looking for something?

No.

Or should I say yes. Sleep.

I'll bet you haven't tried
counting sheep, Gloria.

I've tried counting everything.

Nothing seems to work.

- Good night, Paolo.
- There's only one sure cure for it.

Prayer?

No, it's making love.

It's highly recommended
for insomnia and toothaches.

An excellent remedy.

You mean
I should take a lover like a pill?

Good night. Give Valeria my best.

Valeria? She's already asleep.

Unfortunately for her,
she cried herself to sleep.

Lucky girl.

Excuse me.

I came down for a whiskey
and I find you instead.

The bar's right through that door.

Don't worry. I'm not staying.
Sorry I interrupted.

I think that remark was in poor taste.

Obviously you think
you've trapped two adulterers.

- No.
- Yes, you do.

Even at night we can't be honest.

Honesty is ineffective, my dear,
and quite outmoded.

Its only place is in parlor games.

Yes? Then let's play a parlor game.

If you wish, play we will!

But how will we know who wins?

The winner is the one who embarrasses us
in the worst possible way,

who frightens and horrifies us.

What's the prize, then?

It's difficult to choose
when you're as lazy as I am.

I'd rather you blindfolded me,
you bandaged my eyes.

I'll put out my hand,
and the first man I find...

Let's try.

Don't pretend you're reading, Paolo.

Yes, OK, that's fine.
I never pretend.

Meanwhile, I will try to read.

Now we'll shuffle ourselves
like a deck of cards.

Move around, Paolo.

Count to 10, then try to find us.

Gentlemen, I'm going to sleep.

She's playing games with us
as if we were children.

I guess the point of the game

is that she's not going to bed
with either one of us.

That is it, I assume...

Come on, Paolo.
Try to be nice once in a while...

I'd appreciate it
if you controlled yourself.

Get off the set, Gloria.
This scene doesn't stop when you walk off.

Forget what I do,
Forget I'm an actress!

Are we supposed to feel sorry?
You want fame, money, love...

And on top of that,
you want us to think you're a good girl.

If you don't shut up, Paolo,
I'm going to let you have it.

Go ahead.
Gloria will just love that.

She's a romantic at heart.

Good night.

I would have sold my soul
to make love to her.

I like Gloria so much.

I'm attracted by her personality,
provocative and bewildering.

I find her moving, to say the least.

Dean"

You know, my dear,
the way I feel right now,

an aspirin is what I need more
than a lover,

especially one like Paolo.

And I don't have a movie-star complex.

I'm sorry, darling.

Please help me to my room.
I feel terribly faint all of a sudden.

Gloria! Are you in here?
There. What's the matter?

I'll get her a drink. That'll fix her up.

What's the matter, darling?

She felt bad again...
What are you doing, you crazy?

- She liked it before.
- She had a gin before.

Be careful going up the stairs.

Careful, Paolo.
Speed up the call to New York.

She simply must speak to her husband.

There. Oh, dear God, it's wonderful.

I'm delighted,
the symptoms are quite clear.

Now, you two nurses get out of here.
Come on. Out, I said.

There's no need of men here.
Hurry up. Out.

Alright, alright, we're going.

Nothing like this will ever happen to me,
Paolo. Out!

Gloria, darling. Gloria, wake up.

Come on. You awake?

Here you are.

Gloria.

Do you feel better? Want a drink?

Let's put you under the covers.
You'll catch cold.

Once you're in bed, you'll feel better.

Wait. Now let me do that. Easy.

That's it. Fine. Relax. That's right.

Be sure to keep your feet warm.

My mother always said
it was very important.

There we are.

You're going to be alright.
Let me fix your pillow.

There.

I'm absolutely thrilled for you, darling.

- Of course, you know what it is.
- No. I don't.

Why, you're pregnant!

But, Valeria,
I hope that Paolo hasn't told anyone.

The house will be surrounded
with journalists.

- Calm down, calm down...
- Oh, dear God, let it be true.

Are you happy?

Listen, Gloria, you must keep calm.

You mustn't get upset.
The baby wouldn't like it.

What an extraordinary day this has been.

I knew something like this
was going to happen today.

I had a premonition this morning,
like an annunciation.

I thought perhaps it was for me,
but it was for you.

What would you think
if I told you I wanted a divorce?

Don't ask me what
I think about anything.

Don't you realize
what a beast that man is?

He would have gladly gone
to bed with you,

in our own house, in my own bed!

I heard everything that was said,
you know.

Maybe it's your husband. Yes?

Yes.

Hello?
I can't hear anything...

Hello? Yes, this is Kitzbuhel.

What?

No, it's Kitzbuhel here.

Fine. Hang on, please.

I'll put her on the line.

It's New York, darling.
I'll leave you alone.

Give him my love. Bye-bye.

Hello? Yes.

Yes, madam. Yes.

Antonio? Hello, yes.

Yes, I got here today.

I know, I just felt like doing it.
I'm leaving tomorrow.

I guess it's already tomorrow.
Light's coming in the window.

What's the time there, dear?

Yes. Pardon?

Yes, I slept a bit last night.

Is someone picking me up tomorrow
in London?

Yes, but why go to Lisbon?

Yes. It doesn't matter.
It'll be Lisbon, then.

Yes, I have seen Vogue.

Yes, listen, Antonio. Listen...

But it's much too demanding.
I can't sign at the moment.

There's something else!

Yes. Sure, the role is not the point...

It's superb, as you say, but...

I've got something to tell you...

Yes, I've got good news,

but I can only work until March.

Yes, because I've got to be free
for six or seven months.

Yes.

But I'm not mad. I'm sane at last!

You bet I'll tell them to go to hell,
and Paramount too, and even you.

I'm alright.
You don't understand me, do you?

But look, dear.
It's such a simple thing to understand.

I beg you. Please understand me.

Yes. Yes, Antonio, yes.
That's what I want.

Yes.

The public! What do I owe the public?
What do I owe anybody?

The public, they're a bunch of hypocrites.

Yes. They'll spend money to buy
whatever you've got,

but they want it all, including
a good conscience, for nothing.

What do you mean, "No"?

Let me talk, goddamn you!

You're asking me to think about
Bardot, Lauren, Taylor... at this hour?

But they're just poor creatures
sacrificed to the public.

Who can know what they want.

But now I know what I want,
and you can't stop me.

A year...

A year's an infinity.

I won't wait for another year. I won't!

So I'm gambling my career.

It'll be over in three or four years,
anyway. It can't go on.

But for once I intend to do
what I want to do.

And a year from now,
who knows what excuse you'd give.

And besides, I want this one

and not another one.

This one's already alive.

And it'll stay alive.

I already named it.

Yes, I've named it after my father.

Sir, you can even carry on with all this,
but it'd make no sense at all,

because, I assure you, she's not here.

Get out of my house.

This stupid story
that Gloria's here is not true.

- Madam.
- What is it?

- A helicopter just landed on the hill.
- It did?

Good heavens!
I'll never get rid of them.

Take it easy, gentlemen.
Calm down. Easy!

- Who are these two?
- Don't ask me.

Look, people, you win.

Gloria's here, alright.

I insist on quiet and keep still, will you?
Let me talk.

Now, nobody will be allowed
to photograph her or talk to her.

She's going to stay here
for five or six months...

What? Are you mad?

Gloria's getting out of here right now,
You understand me?

You're angry with her because
she wouldn't go to bed with you, huh?

Stop that.
Don't you dare write that down.

- Get out of my way!
- Please, give us minute!

CIVIC DUTY

Break it up.
What's going on here?

Be careful. He's hurt.

- Get him out of the way.
- What happened?

Officer, I can drop him off
at the hospital.

- I'm dizzy.
- I'm terribly sorry about it.

I'm bleeding.

- I put my foot on the brake.
- I'm not going to make it.

- Believe me.
- Who did it?

Put him in here. Quick.

He really got smashed.

- Where am I going?
- Don't worry, son. Don't worry.

Where's my truck? It's got a cow in it.

There's a fine woman. That's right.

Knows her civic duty, too.

I'm going to throw up.

They must have got me in the guts.
I am sick!

I'm going to pass out.

Where are you going?

Gosh, I feel awful.

Go easy, easy.
Oh, boy, do I feel sick!

They say that you've got to keep talking.

If you go to sleep, you've had it.

I better start counting.
Two, one, three, four...

I'm so sleepy. Oh, God, I'm dying.

I can't see anymore.
Everything's gone blank.

Holy mother, I'm dying!

Come on.
Get the handkerchief off your face.

Hey, mister.

Mister. Listen, mister...

- Yes?
- Hey, you a lady?

Yes.

Pretty lady. If I didn't feel so sick...

Mom!

Mom!

Paid your car insurance?

Boy, I better tell you who I am,
just because...

Terocci Elio, Via della Ranocchia, 33.

My wife, Celia, she's only 29.

I loved her so much
that I can't remember her anymore...

Mister, excuse me.
Are you stopping here?

You stay right where you are.

Hey, be careful.

Hey, I know this place.
We've arrived.

I feel like my head's cut off.

Here's the first-aid station.

Hey! Let me out. Turn around.
Where are you going?

I don't care what hospital you go to.
They're all good.

We missed another hospital.
Saint Giacomo was back there.

Where are you taking me?
You're taking me to Saint Giovanni.

I hit my head!

I still feel a bit dizzy.

I feel like it's going to explode...

Oh boy, what is it?

What do you say?
I can't hear anything.

Are you saying something?
Hello?

There! Didn't you see it?
The hospital! It's beautiful.

Where are we going?
What are you doing?

I've gone blind. I can't see anything.

Everything's gone black.

What's going on?

Hey, yesterday I was reading
my horoscope.

It said, "You going to have
one big, lucky day."

Maybe I read the wrong horoscope

or the guy who writes it
is a son of a bitch.

Hey! What's the name of the guy
who writes it?

I'm going to knock his block off.

I'm going to have one big, lucky day.

Mister, you must not know Rome

because you're headed
in the opposite direction.

There are no hospitals out this way.

Please, mister,
you're heading to the beach.

I don't want to interfere,
but I'm sick and bleeding.

Please take me to a hospital
before I faint.

Be nice, will you?
Let me out at any hospital we come to.

I don't care if it's not a beautiful one.

Stop trying to find a beautiful one
and let me lie down.

Be nice, will you?

I hit my head again.

Get out. It's the end of the line.
Hurry up.

- Come on, now.
- Sorry, I got so worried.

What hospital is it?

Hey, mister, is this a private clinic?

Listen. There's nothing wrong with you.

- Look over there.
- Where?

There's a place where you can get water
and wash up a bit.

- Do you think that's better?
- Goodbye, and thanks.

They'll have some water.
Where is it, mister?

It's over there.

That mister's a lady.

- It's amazing.
- Can you believe it?

- You're almost on time today.
- I was very lucky.

The streets were empty the way I came.

Hey, mister. Where am I?

I had a truck.

My truck...
It's got a cow in it. A cow...

What happened?

Mom!

Now I faint...

AS SEEN FROM THE MOON,

THE MAIN TITLE OF THIS MOVIE IS,
IN FACT,

"THE EARTH
AS SEEN FROM THE MOON".

IT MEANS NOTHING
AND NOBODY HAS MADE IT...

BUT SINCE WE ARE ON EARTH,
WE WANT YOU TO KNOW

THAT IT'S ONLY A FAIRY TALE
WRITTEN BY PIER PAOLO PASOLINI.

Here lies Chrisantema,
wife of Mr. Miao,

born in 1901 and died here
three days ago.

Mama, you are the most beautiful
woman of this graveyard. Amen.

My poor orphaned boy.
Your mother kicked the bucket.

It's not my fault.

Those mushrooms did her in.

How many times did I say to her,
"Now be careful, Chrisantema.

"These are evil things you must avoid,
little Chrisantema.

"Listen to a silly old man, Chrisantema."

You see, Chrisantema...

And there was plenty of
nice broccoli that night, too.

Here's what you're going to do.

Don't worry. I've got a secret plan.

We'll duel. We'll duel against destiny.

I am regularly employed.
I own a house, don't I?

And, you know,
speaking quite modestly...

I'm not a bad-looking fellow.

You're beautiful, I think.

Well, then we'll go look for a lady.
She's got to please us both.

She'll be the perfect spouse
and mother, too.

- You want a blonde or a brunette?
- Brunette, brunette, brunette.

But I prefer blondes.

The essential is that
she's not a redhead, right?

Yes, yes, no redheads.

You see, Baciu, we'll make a pact,
you and I, eh?

She'll have to please the two of us.

I won't choose her
if she doesn't appeal to you,

and you won't choose her
if she doesn't appeal to me.

- We'll go 50-50.
- That's fair, Papa.

Man to man, am I right?

Let's shake on it.

RIGHT OUTSIDE THE GRAVEYARD.

- Our first victim.
- Boy!

Better watch out!

Say, Papa, comb your hair.

Be respectful, Baciu.
She's some dead man's wife.

Good afternoon, madam. Our respects.

May I kiss your lily-white hand?

Help! Pardon us, madam.
Have mercy!

Help! Help!

Ouch, wait for me Papa!

Quick, get up!

Ow, ow, ow... Dear God.

- Look!
- What is it?

A beauty. She looks pretty.

Baciu. I've got to be careful, my boy.

Do you like her?
You sure? She's got black hair.

She's a beauty, Pa. Better get going.

No. I think you should come, too.
A pact is a pact.

Good afternoon, Miss.
Do you mind if we sit down?

1,000.

Look!

Boy, what a woman.

A northerner.

How can I speak to her?

Go on, Papa. You can try. Go after her.

Miss... Lovely lady.

Beautiful lady. Divine lady!

Only a doll.

ONE YEAR LATER...

Papa, we've both been
tramping around for a year,

but we still haven't found Mama.

Well, my son,

the creature we seek,
like a rare butterfly,

lives one day only,

and if you don't catch her then,
you never will.

My son, life is just a dream,
and our ideals... They're here!

What beautiful hair she has.

Look at her, Papa.

We've found the ideal girl. And you
didn't think we would, you unbeliever.

We mustn't let her get away from us.

Go! Go on! Go on, Papa!

I'm too shy.

For God sake's, get going.

Miss? Miss!

Go on. Yes. Go.

It's for you. Pretty good, huh?

- Would you like a hard-boiled egg?
- Yes, you want one?

No. Allow me.
My name's Miao Ciancicato.

- And my name's Baciu.
- Pleased to meet you.

But please,
won't you speak to me, please!

Sure. I know I'm an old man
and you're a goddess of beauty.

Who can know how many men
have adored you and adore you now.

My dear, compared to them,
I'm old, ugly and filthy poor.

But speak one word, one word only.

Papa, she's deaf and dumb.

She is. Then I'm going to marry her.

You... Are... Married?

No! We got it. Watch me explain it.

She can't understand. Now look...

He says that he wants you to marry him.

Ring, ring, ring. Yes! Marry him.
Yes. Go on.

She said she would. She said she would.

Well then, do you, Miss Absurdity Cai,

promise to be the faithful wife
of Mister Ciancicato...

- Miao.
- Miao?

- Miao.
- Miao, Miao.

Ciancicato Miao.

Do you, Miss Absurdity Cai,
take this man

to be your lawful wedded husband?

Ciancicato Miao, do you promise
to take this woman

to be your lawful wedded wife
till death do you part?

Yes.

I now pronounce you man and wife.
That's all. You're married now.

Goodbye, then. Thanks.
Come along, dear.

Look, my darling Absurdity.
There's our little nest.

This is what you call
a panoramic neighborhood.

As you can see, we have everything,
lights, sewers, drinking water.

Understand? Drinking water.

Our little nest is no palace.

I know that. You see,
it's a question of money.

My adorable wife.

But, dear, there aren't any cockroaches.

Good morning.

SOON AFTERWARDS...

It's a miracle.
It's just like being in St. Peter's.

Absurdity.

My Absurdity.

Absurdity! My wife!

Hurray for Absurdity!

MEN ARE NEVER SATISFIED
WITH WHAT THEY HAVE

AND MR. MIAO IS NO EXCEPTION!

ME
SALE HOUSE

I got an idea. Grand, gorgeous.

You don't understand?

It's the way we'll get money
to buy the house.

Wait a minute!

Papa! We get it!

Clever! Clever! Clever!

We'll make a collection.
We'll even accept checks.

Yes, yes. We'll make a collection.
Yes, yes, yes.

Guys, we're on!

Absurdity. Absurdity!

What are you doing it for?
I need you, Mama darling. Don't jump!

Don't jump. Stop. Hold on up there.
Stop, I tell you.

She's going to jump for real!

Quick, call the peacemakers,
or she's going to jump for real!

My Wife!

My Wife!

Mama! Mama!

My wife, my angel, my beloved!
Don't jump!

Madam, please get down,
get down!

What? What?

She says she has four sons
with tuberculosis

and three others with polio,

and that's why...

she's committing suicide.

But why should you care?
Why should you care?

Mama, Mama.

What? What?

She's telling you that
rather than watch her babies dying,

she'd drop dead right here
in front of your very eyes.

But why should you care?
Why should you care?

Let's take up a collection.

Let's take a collection.
Let's take a collection.

Let's save a life.
Here's my dough.

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you, thank you.

More than that? No?

She said no!

She says that she'll also take checks.

Checks, you hear?
She'll also take checks.

What? What?

Please, madam, get down!

Yes, she's telling you

that you ought to make it
a group suicide.

There's plenty of room for everybody
in the graveyard.

But here on this weary Earth,
there's only room for scoundrels,

cowards, thieves,
ruffians and misers.

I said misers!

Come on, folks! Shell out!

Now she's saying
she doesn't want to live.

She only wants to die.

It's in her brain and now
it's gotten stuck there.

She's really dead.

She's really dead.

Here lies Absurdity
What a masterpiece we made!

But she could watch her step!

She was so good, poor thing,
like an angel!

She was so tall and so small,
like a child!

She was a saint,
she never talked,

but she said everything.
I can't go on. We are done! Amen.

Absurdity.

Mama.

My sweetheart.

Why? Baciu and me
are left all alone. Why?

I can't go on anymore.

I just can't go on.

Why did you run away?

Well, I just ran after you.

Did you see anything?

- No, not really.
- Fine.

- Go on, get in.
- I've got to go, Papa, you know that.

Control yourself.
You can go tomorrow

What about our pact?

We have to stick to each other,
don't we?

Stay calm!

May I enter? It's Miao.

Papa, it's quiet.

You're laughing.

That's right.

You...

...are laughing.

You...

You're dead, aren't you?

You're dead. Yes?

Wait! Son of a...
Don't leave me alone!

Wait! Help! Save me. Save us.

AT NOON...

Who, me?
I guess she must think I'm nuts.

Are you about the same as you were
when you were alive?

But can you cook?

And scrub out the pots and pans?
Can you?

But can you...

- Can you eat?
- Can you also drink?

And what about...

You... Papa, excuse me for laughing.

You can sleep with Papa?

Such a wonderful thing
has never happened before.

It's a miracle.
Yet you're scared to accept it.

Well, happiness is happiness.

Come on, Baciu. Let's go home.

Go ahead.

She's real, Baciu, no questions asked.

Absurdity! My darling wife.

She's alive! She's alive!

THE MORAL IS:

TO BE DEAD OR ALIVE
IS THE SAME THING.

THE SICILIAN BELLE

Niccolò.

Assassin!

Daughter, are you home?

- Daughter!
- Father!

Who is that man?
You're hiding him from me.

- Well? Who is that man?
- I'll never tell.

Give it to me!
Give it to me, do you hear?

That's funny.
I don't recognize him.

- Who is he? Talk!
- No.

- Tell me who he is! What did he do to you?
- I'll never tell.

- Tell me!
- No!

Tell me, or I'll wring your neck.

I would sooner have my tongue dry out
or let serpents eat my gizzard,

or be ripped apart by wolves.

No, I refuse to speak!

- So, you won't speak.
- No.

Proud and noble, aren't you, daughter?

Like your father, you're hardheaded,
stubborn as a bull.

But for this time...

Father!

Daughter.

Since you've insisted,
I'll tell you what he did.

I'm listening.

It was the day of Saint Riparata.

Suddenly, he looked at me...

...at the midnight mass
for Santa Capuana.

He greeted me. I know.

- He spoke out loud?
- No, but he touched his cap.

I can't believe my ears.

The feast of dear Saint Calogere...

An eye was winked!

- Yours?
- No, his. In that wink was a message.

- Santa Rosalia.
- I was quite upset.

It was impossible to rest
until the day of Santa Restituita

when I saw him near Santo Nastasio,

in a crowd that was really immense,
he was in the distance.

But watch this.
He made this gesture at me.

- He made that gesture?
- To me. I swear.

But it's like pledging an engagement.

Absolutely.
Yes, it kindled a fire in me.

But on the feast day
of dear Santa Catera,

he ran away from me as
fast as he could

and hid in the pool hall.

Since then, he's avoided me.

He ran away with all of my
cherished hopes and prayers.

Now I understand why you got so thin.

I'm dried and drained. I feel as if
I'm going to be consumed by death,

just like my dear Saint Theodulinda
of the Seven Sorrows.

I was led astray. He betrayed me
with his black heart. Vile, cruel seducer.

- His name!
- Never.

His name, or I'll kill you.

No man can make me tell,
even if you kill me.

Shall I rip this secret out of you,

stubborn, hardheaded girl,
proud and noble daughter?

Alright.
You're worthy of your father's name.

- Father.
- Daughter.

Since you really insist, I'll tell you.

I'm listening to you.

The name of the horrible monster
who did me this wrong is...

...Niccolò.

- Niccolò who?
- May the Blessed Virgin forgive me.

Niccolò who?

He's from Basilico, around Schiro.
I won't tell any more.

So it's Niccolò Paterno!

BASILICO FARM

Niccolò!

Father!

Cruel fate! Cruel murders!

Who is responsible for this? Who?
Why did you do it?

Blood spilled all over the land.
But why?

Blood, blood, blood!

Papa, my darling Papa.
Why'd you kill my cousin?

Cousin, darling cousin.
Brother, darling brother.

Why did you kill our dear uncle?

Father, brother, sons,
uncles, cousins,

all murdered.

All murdered like miserable dogs.

You have abandoned your women.

Why did you do it?

AN EVENING LIKE THE OTHERS

Wake up! Look at me, look at me!

You don't seem to have noticed
that I've changed my hair!

You don't notice anything anymore!

I could greet you in the nude
when you come home

and you wouldn't notice!

It's been a year since you brought me
flowers, a year, you know?

Would you like some fruit, dear?

Thanks.

This is the one I like the best.

And a little more whiskey, darling.

If you pour it, it tastes better.

If this keeps up, I'll do something crazy.

I'll cheat on you
with the first man I see.

I'm young. I'm beautiful.
I can do anything you like.

I can overcome any obstacle.
I can live in a hut!

But I need love, love, love!

But you've become blind, deaf, mute!

You're dead asleep, wake up!

Don't drink too much, dear.
It'll make you sleepy.

You Americans are like that.

Carlo, I've made an important decision.

My mother will agree, and my father,
naturally, that's understood.

But only your opinion, my love,
really matters.

I've decided to stop wearing my glasses
and to get contact lenses.

You'd like that, wouldn't you?

You Americans invented them.

Darling, suit yourself.

Thanks,dean

Suit yourself, suit yourself!

Slap my face, hug me,
do anything, in short,

except "Suit yourself,
suit yourself, suit yourself!"

Listen, thousands of people
get too little sleep.

Right here in the papers,

you know, there's always bad news
because people don't get enough sleep.

I think I'm a decent person...

I am a good person, isn't that true?

- Isn't that true?
- Well, of course!

Right. When I sleep enough.

But when I'm sleepy,
I get mean, unpleasant.

Listen to those horns.

Even here they're an obsession.

Would you mind
closing the shutter, darling?

There's hate inside, no civility.

Cannibals! No, even cannibals
can find some good in humanity.

Not so easy to do. Thanks.

Darling, I'd prefer you'd tell me
in other words, loud and clear,

that this evening
you have no desire to go out

and you'd prefer to go to sleep.

But I'm looking at the film guide.

Adriano,
"The Bible, Epic of Magic".

Ambassador,
"Virgins Prefer Milk",

"Prisoner On The Boat",
detective story.

Astoria, "Go And Kill", drama.

Barberini, an adventure film.

There's this comedy here.
Here they have "Almost A Man", drama.

Fiamma, "Operation Moon".

Metropolitan, "The Absurd Universe".

Rivoli, "The Big Umbrella".
Or this spy movie at the Supercinema.

"Seasons Of Our Love".
Or the same drama there...

Well, which one would you choose?

You've made me lose interest.

You're a funeral, Carlone.
You're monotonous.

Then you should have married
someone more eloquent.

I don't even know how
to be eloquent. I'll have to go.

Once you read musically,
in a different tone,

in rhythms that have changed.

Giovanna, let's go to the movies!
To the movies!

To the movies!

Well, the real truth is, you've changed,
my dearest.

Me?

You never used to say to me,
"You've changed, you've changed."

Now you do.
Therefore, it's you who's changed.

But my darling,
you've become someone else.

Sometimes I don't recognize you.

I ask myself, "Is that him?
Could it really be?"

You'll never believe it, but this evening
I wanted to buy you roses.

To come home with a rose.

The thought was enough, dear?

I was about to stop at the flower shop
but... 10, 20, 100 cars behind me,

pushing and shoving, impossible to stop.

No more liberty, no more independence.
Always...

- Carlo!
- What?

Quiet! Remember the children.

It's certain that all the objectives
that my party...

If there was ever a man
who's always the same, it's me.

House and office, office and house,
coming and going.

We were counting up yesterday
at the office...

Do you know that eight
of the ten colleagues have mistresses?

Only Petrosini and I don't.
Petrosini stutters, stutters terribly.

He couldn't... He'd say to a woman,
lo... lo... lo... love you."

It's laughable.
And by the time he'd finished saying it,

the girl would be dressed
and ready to go home.

But what did you ask me, Giovanna?
Do you need something?

No, nothing, Carlo. Let's not talk
about it anymore. It doesn't matter.

The Earth, the Earth,
the Earth will have no boundaries

The Earth, the Earth
will bring us good fortune

The moon, the moon,
to us belongs the future

If you love me, if you love me

You hurt me! You hurt me.

Huh! You hurt me.

I want to hurt you.

I want to destroy you, annihilate you,

devour you, gobble you up.

Carlo?

Do you remember when you told me
you wanted to gobble me up?

What?

To gobble me up.

I said "gobble you up"?

No, darling. That's a verb
I've never used, and never will.

Don't lie, Carlonaccio.

You're the type who, if I die,
after a month you'll remarry.

- A month?
- Well, how long, then?

Be honest.
I know you'll get remarried again.

How long after, then?

- Darling, these are absurd questions.
- Answer!

Five years, six.

- And that seems a long time to you?
- Seven, eight...

But once you would've said 20, 30!

Believe me, love, on the whole
your feelings are callused.

But so very, very different!

Just remember, for example, 1959 -
what a big deal!

And then came 1962,

a little bit less.

Less.

Less.

And then always less.

Always less!

Always less!

A turnaround.

To be precise, your affections
are 70% callused.

- What happened?
- Nothing. A glass.

The last of the set.

And the others?

Lucia broke all those.
She's broken twenty-three.

Twenty-three?

Then let's get a new maid.

Well, she's getting married.
In the spring.

Maybe another dozen, no more.

Getting married?
Nobody tells me anything anymore.

A fine boy. He's a butcher.

But crazy in love.

Just think, a butcher.

Always covered in blood, like a steak.

Always with a knife in his hand.
Spends all he makes on cologne.

When he comes to pick up Lucia,
he's bathed in cologne.

I'd like to know
just what I am in this house. Really!

There're always talking
about women's liberation, even the UN.

The truth is we're just slaves.
And they're sultans!

Our society is like a harem.

We expect so much from America,

and look at this one!

He came to Italy and turned out
worse than the rest.

Well, what does he think he is,
this lord?

What in the world does he think he is?
What do you think you are?

You've never seen yourself
get up in the morning.

What a face you have,
you look like a mess.

You've never seen yourself
pulling out nose hairs.

But, yes, you're well preserved.

You're still young, you're handsome.

Handsome? Gorgeous! Fascinating.

But emotionally, you're an old shoe.
An old shoe.

But you've never seen yourself
talking on the phone with your boss.

"Yes, sir. Perfectly, sir.

"Consider it done, sir.
Rest assured, sir.

"My respects, sir."

Hypocrite, you're a hypocrite, too.

But you've never seen
yourself at the table.

How refined you are, what manners.
That delicate touch.

Your breeding is evident.

Starting tomorrow, I'll never put toothpicks
on the table again.

Lout!

A butcher, you said?

I'm certainly not prejudiced
regarding social class.

If my son wanted to be a butcher,
I'd have no objection.

Everyone should do his own thing.

Don't be ironic.

It's a fact that whatever poetry in this world
remains between a man and a woman,

you'll find only in a butcher.

And speaking of your son,

I must tell you
that he's taking the wrong road.

Look at what he reads.

Look.

He reads nothing else.

And even the television says it's poison.

Television? Well, then, it's not true.

There are men!

You, on the other hand,
bore people to death.

- Giovanna!
- Set me free!

Set me free... These are men.

Giovanna!

Giovanna, think of the children.

Giovanna!

Think of the children!

Giovanna!

Giovanna!

Giovanna, think of the children!
Think of the family!

We have an obligation
to think of the children.

This should be our dominant thought.

Why don't we call it a night?

- Saturday I'll take you to the theater, huh?
- Great.

My legs are broken.

The boss had me on my feet
for an hour this morning.

He never quit talking.

He's sitting behind the desk
and I'm standing there.

What would it cost him
to ask me to sit down?

He gets a sadistic pleasure
from keeping his employees standing.

Humanity's divided into the seated
and the standing.

And then they're surprised
that every once in a while a bomb goes off.

I'm getting sleepy.

Really sleep)'-

Let's go.

Let's go get under the cool,
soft, white covers.

And my wife must come with me.

It's like a voyage on a ship.
Let's go, let's go, onto morning,

a dear, sweet, little dream.

Wake up, survivor!

Cold fish, jetsam! Vegetable!

You know who complimented me
this morning on my new hairdo?

Who?

Domeniconi.

Did you remember
to set the alarm for 7:00am?

There was a time when I only had to mention
Domeniconi and you'd jump like a frog.

Yes, but with time one improves.

Me, jealous of a dope like Domeniconi.

And besides,
after ten years of marriage...

What do you mean?

- That it's all over?
- No!

I just mean... There must be trust.
Without trust, there's no...

But trust shouldn't keep you

from noticing that today
I had my hair lightened.

Yes, yes. I've noticed it's lighter.

It's not lighter.
Actually, I've darkened it.

How you lie.

What do you want from me?
Is a hairdo important? Hair color?

Excuse me, what is this?

I'm a modern man, not a cave dweller.

Come here, love.

Before the end of the year,

the two of us will take a vacation.

A whole month, just the two of us.

We'll go up to the top of a mountain,
hole up in a hotel,

and make love all day and all night.

I won't even shave.
We'll live on yogurt out of cartons.

They'll slide the mail under the door,
we won't answer.

Love, love, night and day.

I don't want to see anyone else, darling.

I want to see only your face,

your mouth and your eyes, your throat,

your legs, this and this.

All dear, unique, beautiful.

We'll go in as fat as two pigs
and we'll come out as dry as two herrings.

We've let our relationship slide,
but we'll catch up, you'll see.

Believe me, it's all society's fault.

Everyone needs his own chair,
maybe small, but chairs.

No, love, in Cortina we'll bar the door,
hang the "Do Not Disturb" sign.

If anyone rings, I'll shoot him.

I'll kiss you in a new way.

Because it may not seem like it,
but I think about that, you know?

I'm always thinking.
Even in the office, dreaming up new things,

like the triple kiss.
It's beautiful, the triple kiss.

Yes, flowers, chairs,
armchairs for everyone.

It'll be marvelous. Divine.
Night and day.

Look, dear, it's not just for the thing itself,
don't misunderstand me.

I could be, even for a month,
chaste and pure as a nun.

But we women need...

...proof.

You understand?

It's the heart that demands it,
even if it seems otherwise.

You're a selfish, poor, finished man.

And you think that I'm over the hill, too.

But you're wrong. I'm still young.

I'm young!

You 're wrong!

I'm sexy! You're wrong.

I'm sexy! Cuckold!

Where is he?

Cuckold!

Whore!

What's his name?

Come on, I want to know his name!
Bitch!

I want to know his name!

Confess! Speak!

Give me his name or I'll strangle you!
The name!

Antonio, Sergio, Enrico,
Michele, Pepino, Giovanni,

Federico, Aldovico, Marco,
Claudio, Cesare, Alberto,

Dino, Guillermo, Armando,
Tomaso, Domeniconi!

Here!

Adriano, Felice, Alessio,
Ignazio, Rinaldo, Giacinto...

Umberto, Luca, Pietro, Donato,
Oreste, Francesco, Achille, Bruno...

When I walk down the street,
everyone, but everyone watches me.

Giovanna!

Orla? Where are you going?
Where are you going, Orla?

Orla. You must come back, Orla.

Come back! Come back!

- Mario!
- Papa!

Luigino!

Carlo!

What's wrong?

You're snoring.

You woke me up just to tell me that?

I work like a dog to bring home
300 thousand lira a month,

I don't have the right to snore?
I have to get up tomorrow at 7:00am.

Understand? At 7:00am!

But what's the matter with you?

You've been nervous for a while now.

You should take a nice cup of
chamomile tea in the evening before bed.

OK, you know what I'll do?

Tomorrow, I'll buy you lots of chamomile.

You should drink it for breakfast,
lunch and dinner.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.