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["Stardust" by Nat King Cole]
2
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♪♪ And now the purple dusk ♪♪
3
00:00:24,650 --> 00:00:27,695
♪♪ Of twilight time ♪♪
4
00:00:28,362 --> 00:00:30,448
♪♪ Steals across the meadows ♪♪
5
00:00:30,614 --> 00:00:32,992
♪♪ Of my heart ♪♪
6
00:00:35,119 --> 00:00:37,705
♪♪ High up in the sky ♪♪
7
00:00:37,872 --> 00:00:41,250
♪♪ The little stars climb ♪♪
8
00:00:41,417 --> 00:00:44,587
♪♪ Always reminding me ♪♪
9
00:00:44,754 --> 00:00:48,090
♪♪ That we're apart ♪♪
10
00:00:49,592 --> 00:00:51,719
♪♪ You wander down the lane ♪♪
11
00:00:51,886 --> 00:00:54,263
♪♪ And far away ♪♪
12
00:00:56,557 --> 00:00:58,934
♪♪ Leaving me a song ♪♪
13
00:00:59,101 --> 00:01:02,730
♪♪ That will not die ♪♪
14
00:01:04,815 --> 00:01:08,402
♪♪ Love is now the stardust ♪♪
15
00:01:08,569 --> 00:01:12,073
♪♪ Of yesterday ♪♪
16
00:01:12,656 --> 00:01:17,328
♪♪ The music of the years ♪♪
17
00:01:17,495 --> 00:01:20,915
♪♪ Gone by ♪♪
18
00:01:22,625 --> 00:01:24,293
[music continues]
19
00:01:50,569 --> 00:01:52,446
[cars honking]
20
00:01:52,613 --> 00:01:54,198
[Benjy Stone]
1954.
21
00:01:54,365 --> 00:01:56,158
You don't get yearslike that anymore.
22
00:01:56,325 --> 00:01:57,868
It was my favorite year.
23
00:01:58,577 --> 00:02:01,372
["How High The Moon"
by Les Paul and Mary Ford]
24
00:02:03,874 --> 00:02:05,459
Look.. Look at that Buick.
25
00:02:05,626 --> 00:02:07,419
See, that's whatI'm talking about.
26
00:02:07,586 --> 00:02:10,297
In 1954, a Buick was a Buick.
27
00:02:11,006 --> 00:02:13,425
It didn't look like a Chevy,which looks like a Pontiac
28
00:02:13,592 --> 00:02:16,220
which you can't tell apartfrom an Olds. Like today.
29
00:02:17,054 --> 00:02:20,641
This is the way people dressedin 1954. Smooth, huh?
30
00:02:20,808 --> 00:02:21,767
["How High The Moon" continues]
31
00:02:21,934 --> 00:02:24,103
♪♪ Somewhere there's music ♪♪
32
00:02:24,270 --> 00:02:26,021
♪♪ How faint the tune ♪♪
33
00:02:26,188 --> 00:02:27,648
♪♪ Somewhere there's heaven ♪♪
34
00:02:27,815 --> 00:02:29,441
♪♪ How high the moon ♪♪
35
00:02:29,608 --> 00:02:34,238
In 1954, television was live,and comedy was king.
36
00:02:34,405 --> 00:02:36,240
Comic stars like Milton Berle,
37
00:02:36,407 --> 00:02:37,908
Sid Caesar and Jackie Gleason
38
00:02:38,075 --> 00:02:40,536
kept Americain front of their TV sets.
39
00:02:40,786 --> 00:02:43,080
I was the freshman writeron The Comedy Cavalcade
40
00:02:43,247 --> 00:02:46,959
starring Stan "King" Kaiser,Saturday nights at 8:00.
41
00:02:47,126 --> 00:02:49,086
There. There I am. That's me.
42
00:02:49,253 --> 00:02:52,298
Benjy Stone, the guy carryingthe guy with the sword.
43
00:02:52,464 --> 00:02:54,717
The guy with the swordis Alan Swann.
44
00:02:54,884 --> 00:02:57,386
The greatest movie idolof all times
45
00:02:57,553 --> 00:02:59,013
and my personal hero.
46
00:02:59,638 --> 00:03:02,016
That week, Alan Swannwas the guest star
47
00:03:02,183 --> 00:03:04,059
on The Comedy Cavalcade.
48
00:03:05,853 --> 00:03:07,354
This is wherewe wrote the show.
49
00:03:07,521 --> 00:03:08,814
30 Rockefeller Plaza.
50
00:03:08,981 --> 00:03:10,149
"30 Rock," we called it.
51
00:03:12,651 --> 00:03:14,445
Here I was, two yearsafter being asked
52
00:03:14,612 --> 00:03:16,488
to leave Brooklyn College
53
00:03:16,655 --> 00:03:18,365
and already I was earningmore money per week
54
00:03:18,532 --> 00:03:21,243
than the entire fourth floorof my mother's apartment house
55
00:03:21,410 --> 00:03:22,995
on Ocean Parkway in Brooklyn.
56
00:03:23,537 --> 00:03:27,833
Anyway, 1954, the weekAlan Swann was the guest star
57
00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:31,295
on The Comedy Cavalcade wasa major turning point for me.
58
00:03:31,462 --> 00:03:32,755
It changed me.
59
00:03:32,922 --> 00:03:34,882
Hold it. Hold it.
60
00:03:37,176 --> 00:03:38,219
Good morning.
61
00:03:39,136 --> 00:03:40,012
Good morning.
62
00:03:40,179 --> 00:03:41,180
Good morning.
63
00:03:41,347 --> 00:03:42,890
Good morning.
Good morning.
64
00:03:43,057 --> 00:03:44,850
♪♪ Stay friends ♪♪♪♪
65
00:03:46,018 --> 00:03:47,937
- Good, huh?
- You talking to me, Sy?
66
00:03:48,103 --> 00:03:49,813
Look who I'm asking.
67
00:03:50,147 --> 00:03:52,358
- Sorry I'm late, Sy.
- The food. The food!
68
00:03:52,524 --> 00:03:54,401
- Give me my food.
- The coffee shop was jammed.
69
00:03:55,527 --> 00:03:57,696
"Fine, thank you, Sy.
And you?
70
00:03:57,863 --> 00:04:00,491
Oh, really?
No, I didn't think so."
71
00:04:00,866 --> 00:04:02,952
What is this? Tea?
I didn't order tea.
72
00:04:03,118 --> 00:04:04,787
That's Herb's.
He had the tea and dry toast.
73
00:04:04,954 --> 00:04:06,121
This is yours, Sy.
74
00:04:06,288 --> 00:04:07,873
Extra-large coffee, six sugars
75
00:04:08,040 --> 00:04:09,667
lightly toasted bagel,
heavy butter
76
00:04:09,833 --> 00:04:11,543
schmear of cream cheese,
grape jelly, right?
77
00:04:11,710 --> 00:04:14,296
Wait a minute.
Where is my crumb cake?
78
00:04:14,463 --> 00:04:16,632
They were out.
Sidney put in a bear claw.
79
00:04:22,221 --> 00:04:24,515
- Alice, what are we seeing?
- Clips from Swann's movies.
80
00:04:24,682 --> 00:04:27,851
Clips from his crap.
Roll 'em, Herb.
81
00:04:34,400 --> 00:04:36,819
[climactic music]
82
00:04:38,112 --> 00:04:39,613
This is Captain From Tortuga.
83
00:04:39,780 --> 00:04:41,615
Captain from crap.
84
00:04:46,203 --> 00:04:47,871
This is from Rapture.
85
00:04:48,789 --> 00:04:51,667
You call what Swann does acting?
That's not acting.
86
00:04:52,209 --> 00:04:54,461
That's kissing and jumping,
and drinking and humping.
87
00:04:56,672 --> 00:04:58,966
I don't know why we're wasting
our eyesight on this crap.
88
00:04:59,133 --> 00:05:00,718
Swann's never gonna
show up anyhow.
89
00:05:00,884 --> 00:05:02,928
- [Alice] We'll find him, Sy.
- What happened?
90
00:05:03,304 --> 00:05:04,471
He landed fine last night.
91
00:05:04,638 --> 00:05:06,890
- That much we know.
- So, where is he?
92
00:05:07,349 --> 00:05:09,435
Where else?
Drinking and humping.
93
00:05:43,510 --> 00:05:44,470
Hello.
94
00:05:45,679 --> 00:05:46,638
Hi.
95
00:05:47,765 --> 00:05:50,517
[choking]
96
00:05:59,151 --> 00:06:00,819
[coughs]
97
00:06:00,986 --> 00:06:02,613
[Sy]
Crap. This is crap!
98
00:06:03,655 --> 00:06:05,074
That was the best part.
99
00:06:05,240 --> 00:06:06,658
There is no "best part."
100
00:06:06,825 --> 00:06:08,577
Swann never made
a decent movie in his life.
101
00:06:08,744 --> 00:06:10,412
Sy, that one,
Defender Of The Crown
102
00:06:10,579 --> 00:06:11,622
is a classic.
103
00:06:11,789 --> 00:06:12,915
Crap.
104
00:06:13,082 --> 00:06:14,166
And so is
Captain From Tortuga.
105
00:06:14,333 --> 00:06:16,043
- Crap.
- What about Swords Of Glory?
106
00:06:16,210 --> 00:06:17,127
- Crap.
- Amarillo?
107
00:06:17,294 --> 00:06:18,670
- Crap.
- Sands Of The Sudan?
108
00:06:18,837 --> 00:06:21,048
Crap. Benjy, you wanna see
movies, get a job as an usher.
109
00:06:21,215 --> 00:06:22,633
The rest of us
are here to write professional
110
00:06:22,800 --> 00:06:23,801
show business comedy.
111
00:06:26,220 --> 00:06:28,430
In your case,
semi-professional.
112
00:06:28,597 --> 00:06:30,391
What's the matter, Herb,
you can't talk to a person
113
00:06:30,557 --> 00:06:32,643
like a regular,
normal human being?
114
00:06:36,313 --> 00:06:38,774
- No.
- Come on!
115
00:06:39,108 --> 00:06:40,067
King wants us to see
a run-through
116
00:06:40,234 --> 00:06:42,111
of the "Boss Hijack" sketch.
117
00:06:43,904 --> 00:06:45,406
Hey, Janine.
118
00:06:45,572 --> 00:06:47,950
When you gonna let me
get into your box?
119
00:06:51,412 --> 00:06:54,081
Hey, kid, I read your
bullfighter sketch last night.
120
00:06:54,248 --> 00:06:56,917
- You liked it?
- Dozed off halfway through it.
121
00:06:57,084 --> 00:06:58,293
Hey, come on, don't get
the wrong idea, kid.
122
00:06:58,460 --> 00:06:59,336
It's not that it wasn't funny.
123
00:06:59,503 --> 00:07:00,963
It's just that it wasn't funny.
124
00:07:01,130 --> 00:07:03,090
Sy, I read that sketch.
I thought it was terrific.
125
00:07:03,257 --> 00:07:05,467
Then maybe you should be
head writer, Alice!
126
00:07:07,219 --> 00:07:09,555
- I couldn't take the chance.
- What chance?
127
00:07:11,265 --> 00:07:13,142
That I'd become like you.
128
00:07:13,976 --> 00:07:15,310
Hold it!
129
00:07:16,437 --> 00:07:17,896
[chuckles]
130
00:07:21,483 --> 00:07:23,193
Whoa.
131
00:07:23,569 --> 00:07:25,696
Oh, uh, K.C.?
132
00:07:29,825 --> 00:07:30,826
[door slams]
133
00:07:46,091 --> 00:07:48,135
Lil, Mr. Silver wants to see
Helen's costume
134
00:07:48,302 --> 00:07:49,386
for "The Three Musketeers"
sketch.
135
00:07:49,553 --> 00:07:50,721
Now he wants it
136
00:07:50,888 --> 00:07:52,890
when I'm up to my ass
here in threads!
137
00:07:54,266 --> 00:07:55,851
- Ugh.
- So, uh..
138
00:07:56,226 --> 00:07:58,562
Let's just
have a quiet dinner tonight.
139
00:07:58,729 --> 00:08:00,731
- Danny's Hideaway.
- Lil!
140
00:08:00,898 --> 00:08:03,358
We'll split a Chateaubriand,
medium rare.
141
00:08:04,276 --> 00:08:06,820
- I got it.
- Careful with the tiara, kid.
142
00:08:07,029 --> 00:08:08,614
You break it, you bought it.
143
00:08:10,282 --> 00:08:13,785
Then a hansom cab ride
through Central Park.
144
00:08:13,994 --> 00:08:17,748
From there we hop over
to the Algonquin for a cordial.
145
00:08:17,915 --> 00:08:19,166
And we end the night
at your place.
146
00:08:19,333 --> 00:08:20,250
What do you think?
147
00:08:20,417 --> 00:08:22,544
Benjamin, why would
I wanna go out with you?
148
00:08:22,753 --> 00:08:25,881
Every time you come near me,
you embarrass or humiliate me.
149
00:08:26,048 --> 00:08:28,050
I mean,
what do you want from me?
150
00:08:30,427 --> 00:08:31,386
Sex?
151
00:08:33,430 --> 00:08:35,557
- What is the time?
- I don't know.
152
00:08:35,724 --> 00:08:36,975
- Don't you have a watch?
- No.
153
00:08:37,142 --> 00:08:38,769
I'm not allowed to wear a watch.
154
00:08:38,894 --> 00:08:39,686
Why not?
155
00:08:40,562 --> 00:08:41,855
I can't trust them.
156
00:08:42,022 --> 00:08:42,940
Why?
157
00:08:43,815 --> 00:08:45,817
One hand is shorter
than the other.
158
00:08:47,444 --> 00:08:49,071
[clanking]
159
00:08:49,238 --> 00:08:50,113
Hi!
160
00:08:50,447 --> 00:08:51,532
Do you have the time?
161
00:08:52,032 --> 00:08:53,700
It's 9:25.
162
00:08:55,452 --> 00:08:57,454
Are you late for something?
163
00:08:58,080 --> 00:08:59,039
Always.
164
00:09:01,917 --> 00:09:04,211
And I'm never quite sure
for what.
165
00:09:06,463 --> 00:09:08,882
People, people!
166
00:09:09,091 --> 00:09:10,592
I hate to break up
the Last Supper
167
00:09:10,801 --> 00:09:12,678
but I wouldn't mind
seeing a run-through.
168
00:09:14,972 --> 00:09:16,348
Sorry to tell you this, uh..
169
00:09:16,515 --> 00:09:18,684
but King threw out
the monologue.
170
00:09:19,226 --> 00:09:21,186
Leo, that monologue was good.
171
00:09:21,353 --> 00:09:24,481
Check that! Perfect! I wrote it!
172
00:09:24,982 --> 00:09:26,775
Here's where Sy Benson
draws the line.
173
00:09:26,942 --> 00:09:29,194
- Sy, don't do anything crazy.
- King's gotta be taught.
174
00:09:29,361 --> 00:09:31,947
First comes the word,
and the word was "funny."
175
00:09:32,114 --> 00:09:33,824
The monologue stays, or I go!
176
00:09:33,991 --> 00:09:35,576
Sy, maybe we can compromise.
177
00:09:35,784 --> 00:09:37,619
No compromise.
178
00:09:37,786 --> 00:09:39,830
Sy Benson has his integrity,
his pride.
179
00:09:40,163 --> 00:09:43,458
King does that monologue
word for word or I walk. I walk!
180
00:09:43,792 --> 00:09:45,419
Monologue's in.
181
00:09:47,087 --> 00:09:48,297
- Good morning, King.
- Good morning, King.
182
00:09:48,463 --> 00:09:50,132
- Hello, Stan.
- Yeah, good morning.
183
00:09:50,299 --> 00:09:53,510
- King, about the monologue..
- Sy, do you smell something?
184
00:09:53,677 --> 00:09:55,137
[sniffs]
185
00:09:55,387 --> 00:09:57,055
It's coming from the script.
186
00:09:59,224 --> 00:10:00,851
Oh! It's your monologue.
187
00:10:01,018 --> 00:10:02,853
Oh, what a stink burger!
188
00:10:03,020 --> 00:10:04,062
K.C.
189
00:10:04,229 --> 00:10:05,355
Pull!
190
00:10:06,356 --> 00:10:07,190
Boom!
191
00:10:07,399 --> 00:10:09,401
I hate it.
It's not funny. It's out!
192
00:10:09,568 --> 00:10:12,112
Hey, babe,
we're not married to it.
193
00:10:13,655 --> 00:10:14,781
Monologue's out.
194
00:10:15,198 --> 00:10:19,286
Sy Benson, a tower of Jell-O.
195
00:10:22,122 --> 00:10:22,998
[Stan]
K.C.
196
00:10:28,211 --> 00:10:31,715
I, uh, think I went a little
too far with Sy just now.
197
00:10:32,215 --> 00:10:33,634
I really hurt his feelings.
198
00:10:34,509 --> 00:10:36,011
I gotta get him something.
199
00:10:36,511 --> 00:10:38,472
Here's a hundred bucks,
get him something.
200
00:10:40,223 --> 00:10:41,350
Tires are nice.
201
00:10:41,933 --> 00:10:43,185
Get him a set of tires.
202
00:10:43,352 --> 00:10:45,103
Call my brother in the Bronx,he'll tell you where.
203
00:10:45,270 --> 00:10:47,356
[stage manager]
Boss Hijack sketchfrom the top.
204
00:10:47,522 --> 00:10:48,649
K.C.
205
00:10:48,774 --> 00:10:50,859
[stage manager] Electricsand cameras, please. Cameras.
206
00:10:51,026 --> 00:10:52,569
Whitewalls.
207
00:10:53,111 --> 00:10:54,363
Whitewalls?
208
00:10:55,822 --> 00:10:56,948
[stage manager]
Here we go.
209
00:10:57,949 --> 00:10:59,201
[instrumental music]
210
00:11:02,746 --> 00:11:05,374
Four, three, two..
211
00:11:05,499 --> 00:11:06,917
And come in!
212
00:11:09,252 --> 00:11:12,172
- Who owns the gray '51 DeSoto?
- The new guy, Harris.
213
00:11:12,381 --> 00:11:14,341
You're parked
in Boss Hijack's spot.
214
00:11:14,508 --> 00:11:17,969
You better move. The boss
has got some temper on him.
215
00:11:18,136 --> 00:11:20,013
How bad can it be?
216
00:11:24,351 --> 00:11:25,936
[henchman #1]
You're lucky we'reon the second floor here.
217
00:11:26,103 --> 00:11:27,396
It slowed him down.
218
00:11:39,991 --> 00:11:42,911
Somebody parked in my spot.
219
00:11:48,208 --> 00:11:50,043
[Boss Hijack]
Move your car.
220
00:11:51,920 --> 00:11:53,255
[screaming]
221
00:11:53,797 --> 00:11:54,756
[telephone ringing]
222
00:11:54,923 --> 00:11:56,758
That blackout has got to come
a beat sooner.
223
00:11:56,925 --> 00:11:58,844
Screams, I guarantee a scream.
224
00:11:59,010 --> 00:12:01,847
Well, now all we need
is another 27 minutes
225
00:12:02,013 --> 00:12:03,640
and we got a show this week.
226
00:12:03,807 --> 00:12:04,891
[Stan]
Coming in, Sy!
227
00:12:05,392 --> 00:12:06,059
Herb!
228
00:12:11,857 --> 00:12:13,900
- Swann here yet?
- He's on his way.
229
00:12:14,067 --> 00:12:15,986
Alfie went to pick him up,
and then he's, uh--
230
00:12:16,153 --> 00:12:18,029
Not here yet, right? Great.
231
00:12:22,659 --> 00:12:24,619
Look real nice today, Alice.
232
00:12:24,828 --> 00:12:26,788
You like the shoes I sent ya?
233
00:12:27,622 --> 00:12:28,790
[Alice]
Oh, yeah.
234
00:12:29,207 --> 00:12:30,834
[Stan]
Then why'd you send 'em back?
235
00:12:31,334 --> 00:12:33,253
They were the wrong size.
236
00:12:33,670 --> 00:12:34,880
And they were used.
237
00:12:37,549 --> 00:12:38,967
Come on, come on,
roll this thing.
238
00:12:39,134 --> 00:12:40,177
Benjy, lights!
239
00:12:42,304 --> 00:12:44,347
[climactic music]
240
00:12:46,308 --> 00:12:47,726
Is this guy going to be funny?
241
00:12:48,268 --> 00:12:50,562
He jumps around nice,
but is he going to be funny?
242
00:12:52,230 --> 00:12:53,273
En garde!
243
00:12:54,524 --> 00:12:55,484
[laughs]
244
00:13:01,823 --> 00:13:04,201
Oh, good God! It's Renfield!
245
00:13:04,367 --> 00:13:05,494
I thought he was dead.
246
00:13:06,119 --> 00:13:09,581
Oh, yes! So he is!
247
00:13:09,748 --> 00:13:11,416
Very good with the sword though.
248
00:13:11,583 --> 00:13:13,543
[speaking French]
249
00:13:16,588 --> 00:13:18,799
Good morrow to you,
ladies and gentlemen.
250
00:13:19,257 --> 00:13:20,634
He's plastered!
251
00:13:20,801 --> 00:13:23,220
So are some of the finest
erections in Europe.
252
00:13:24,888 --> 00:13:27,390
If I were truly plastered,
could I do this?
253
00:13:27,599 --> 00:13:29,810
Signor Bumbacelli,
would you hold my sword?
254
00:13:31,353 --> 00:13:32,312
Hah!
255
00:13:37,859 --> 00:13:39,778
Well, we know he can do that.
256
00:13:42,531 --> 00:13:43,782
It's still ticking.
257
00:13:43,949 --> 00:13:47,285
Alfie! Alfie! What happened?
258
00:13:47,452 --> 00:13:50,539
To begin with, there was
some difficulty at the airport.
259
00:13:50,664 --> 00:13:52,791
Mr. Swann here
has been reclassified.
260
00:13:53,166 --> 00:13:55,377
- Reclassified?
- Yeah.
261
00:13:55,877 --> 00:13:58,296
- As freight.
- Oh, boy.
262
00:13:58,588 --> 00:14:00,423
[Alfie]
Then Mr. Swann wantedto make a couple of stops.
263
00:14:00,590 --> 00:14:02,008
[Leo]
Alfie, I told you to take himright to the Waldorf!
264
00:14:02,175 --> 00:14:05,595
Whoa, I gotta slam
your brakes on, Mr. Silver.
265
00:14:05,679 --> 00:14:08,348
When I'm driving Mr. Swann,
he's chief of the car.
266
00:14:08,515 --> 00:14:10,433
And when the chief says
he wants to make some stops,
267
00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:12,602
Alfie Bumbacelli
makes the stops.
268
00:14:12,769 --> 00:14:14,396
And that's what I live by.
269
00:14:14,938 --> 00:14:18,441
[Sy]
Well, at least we've gotplenty of time to replace him.
270
00:14:18,608 --> 00:14:20,485
- [Leo] Dump him.
- [Alice] Leo.
271
00:14:20,944 --> 00:14:23,572
Isn't there some way?
I mean, the man is a legend.
272
00:14:24,614 --> 00:14:26,116
Stan, what do you think?
273
00:14:29,327 --> 00:14:30,704
I don't know.
274
00:14:32,873 --> 00:14:34,332
He is a legend.
275
00:14:34,916 --> 00:14:38,128
One of the biggest stars ever.
He's one of a kind.
276
00:14:38,295 --> 00:14:40,171
A guy like this
is irreplaceable.
277
00:14:42,632 --> 00:14:43,925
Replace him, Leo.
278
00:14:44,718 --> 00:14:47,345
- You can't.
- Too risky. He's out.
279
00:14:47,512 --> 00:14:48,847
But, King!
280
00:14:52,058 --> 00:14:52,934
You're right.
281
00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:55,020
This is too risky.
282
00:14:55,186 --> 00:14:57,564
You can't take a chance
with something like this.
283
00:14:58,440 --> 00:15:00,734
But, King,
you're a big star now
284
00:15:00,942 --> 00:15:03,069
and I'm sure
you always will be.
285
00:15:04,696 --> 00:15:07,198
But suppose..
Just suppose..
286
00:15:07,365 --> 00:15:09,993
And I know this is
never gonna happen.
287
00:15:10,702 --> 00:15:13,872
But suppose, someday
you wind up like this.
288
00:15:16,249 --> 00:15:18,877
I hope nobody does to you
what you're doing to him.
289
00:15:19,044 --> 00:15:20,754
[telephone ringing]
290
00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:24,716
Dump him.
291
00:15:30,347 --> 00:15:32,265
Who are you to
talk to me like that?
292
00:15:32,432 --> 00:15:35,060
You little Jiminy Cricket
pest bastard!
293
00:15:37,228 --> 00:15:38,438
All right,
he gets one more chance.
294
00:15:38,605 --> 00:15:39,314
- No!
- Yes!
295
00:15:39,481 --> 00:15:40,440
Yes!
296
00:15:42,108 --> 00:15:44,945
Yeah, but now you, you're gonna
be responsible for him.
297
00:15:45,278 --> 00:15:48,073
Swann better be
at every rehearsal sober
298
00:15:48,239 --> 00:15:50,325
or it's your ass,
you understand?
299
00:15:50,742 --> 00:15:53,620
Now, see, Sy,
this kid's got balls.
300
00:15:56,915 --> 00:15:58,750
A week's salary
Swann takes a dive.
301
00:15:58,917 --> 00:16:01,294
- Hey, Swann dive.
[mimics rim shot]
- You're on!
302
00:16:09,344 --> 00:16:12,514
Double the lad's bet for me,
you toad.
303
00:16:17,936 --> 00:16:20,397
All right now, pick a card.
Go ahead. Any card.
304
00:16:20,563 --> 00:16:21,940
Priscilla, come here.
305
00:16:22,899 --> 00:16:24,818
Now put it back
in the deck, anywhere.
306
00:16:25,819 --> 00:16:28,530
- How long you working here?
- About a year.
307
00:16:28,905 --> 00:16:31,533
- You look real nice today.
- Thank you.
308
00:16:31,825 --> 00:16:34,202
Here, write your address
down here, put it on my desk.
309
00:16:34,411 --> 00:16:36,329
I'm gonna send you some steaks.
310
00:16:36,788 --> 00:16:39,541
- Is that your card?
- Yeah, that's my card.
311
00:16:39,708 --> 00:16:43,044
Mr. Silver, Boss Rojeck and
his lawyer are in your office.
312
00:16:43,211 --> 00:16:45,171
It's about
the "Boss Hijack" sketch.
313
00:16:50,677 --> 00:16:51,720
Where you going?
314
00:16:51,886 --> 00:16:53,722
- With you.
- What for?
315
00:16:54,097 --> 00:16:55,098
To meet Boss Rojeck.
316
00:16:55,432 --> 00:16:57,517
Stan, what's the matter
with you?
317
00:16:57,851 --> 00:16:59,477
You think he's here
because he likes
318
00:16:59,644 --> 00:17:01,354
the "Boss Hijack" sketch?
319
00:17:01,521 --> 00:17:03,940
You think he likes
being made a fool out of by you
320
00:17:04,107 --> 00:17:06,568
in front of 20 million people
every week?
321
00:17:06,735 --> 00:17:08,778
- I don't know.
- Stan.
322
00:17:08,945 --> 00:17:12,824
He's here because he wants us to
drop the "Boss Hijack" sketch.
323
00:17:13,158 --> 00:17:15,660
Think so?
Let's go find out.
324
00:17:15,827 --> 00:17:18,538
All right, all right.
Maybe you better change first.
325
00:17:18,747 --> 00:17:19,456
Why?
326
00:17:19,622 --> 00:17:21,875
Well, that outfit
might set him off.
327
00:17:26,046 --> 00:17:27,213
[vehicle honking]
328
00:17:27,380 --> 00:17:28,298
Ah.
329
00:17:30,508 --> 00:17:32,135
[horn blaring]
330
00:17:32,302 --> 00:17:34,137
Mr. Rojeck, sir,
I think you've made
331
00:17:34,220 --> 00:17:35,847
a wise decision
to come here.
332
00:17:36,014 --> 00:17:38,141
I think this gentleman
will be able talk to us
333
00:17:38,308 --> 00:17:40,143
about our problem
in a mature way.
334
00:17:40,310 --> 00:17:42,395
I'm sure he'll see reason, sir.
335
00:17:42,520 --> 00:17:44,481
There should be no problem
whatsoever.
336
00:17:44,647 --> 00:17:46,232
[telephone ringing]
337
00:17:46,649 --> 00:17:48,902
- Myron Fein.
- I'm Leo Silver.
338
00:17:50,111 --> 00:17:51,738
This is King Kaiser.
339
00:17:51,905 --> 00:17:54,783
- What do you say, Myron?
- My client, Karl Rojeck.
340
00:17:55,116 --> 00:17:57,118
[Stan]
Karl? It's not "Boss?"
341
00:17:57,285 --> 00:17:59,037
Stan! Uh..
342
00:18:00,330 --> 00:18:01,206
Gentlemen.
343
00:18:01,915 --> 00:18:03,917
We'll all be sitting now,
Mr. Rojeck.
344
00:18:09,964 --> 00:18:11,508
I'm sure we're all aware that
345
00:18:11,674 --> 00:18:14,135
my client, Mr. Rojeck,
is one of the most respected
346
00:18:14,260 --> 00:18:16,346
labor leaders
in America today.
347
00:18:16,513 --> 00:18:18,306
Oh, that's why
they subpoenaed him.
348
00:18:18,556 --> 00:18:19,599
Stan!
349
00:18:19,766 --> 00:18:22,435
Mr. Kaiser, a subpoena
is not an indictment.
350
00:18:22,560 --> 00:18:24,312
Now, it has come
to our attention
351
00:18:24,521 --> 00:18:25,897
that on two separate occasions,
352
00:18:26,064 --> 00:18:29,943
September 4th, 1954
and September 18th, 1954
353
00:18:30,110 --> 00:18:31,945
a character referred to
as Boss Hijack
354
00:18:32,112 --> 00:18:34,114
was portrayed
in your television program.
355
00:18:34,489 --> 00:18:36,449
We feel that this character
to a great degree
356
00:18:36,616 --> 00:18:37,992
is based upon my client.
357
00:18:38,660 --> 00:18:39,869
That's you, Karl.
358
00:18:40,036 --> 00:18:44,249
[Leo]
According to our lawyers,your client is a public figure
359
00:18:44,374 --> 00:18:46,417
and as such, uh,has already forfeited
360
00:18:46,584 --> 00:18:48,086
certain rights of privacy.
361
00:18:48,253 --> 00:18:49,504
[Myron]
Granted. However,even though
362
00:18:49,671 --> 00:18:51,089
Mr. Rojeck concedes that point
363
00:18:51,297 --> 00:18:53,424
he feels that the portrayalof said character
364
00:18:53,591 --> 00:18:56,427
is slanderous and defamatoryand done with malicious intent.
365
00:18:56,719 --> 00:18:58,847
Therefore abrogating
the public figure defense
366
00:18:59,013 --> 00:19:00,431
and rendering it..
367
00:19:04,227 --> 00:19:05,353
...to wit, actionable.
368
00:19:05,895 --> 00:19:09,023
Did you say that, Karl?
What a guy.
369
00:19:10,275 --> 00:19:11,276
That's it.
370
00:19:13,236 --> 00:19:14,863
I wanna clear
some things up here.
371
00:19:15,029 --> 00:19:18,158
- Oh?
- This is a stupid show.
372
00:19:18,575 --> 00:19:21,369
And that is a stupid,
stupid suit.
373
00:19:21,619 --> 00:19:23,872
And I don't wanna
see it no more.
374
00:19:24,205 --> 00:19:27,125
Hey, take it easy, Karl.
375
00:19:27,542 --> 00:19:30,211
I mean, if you really don't
wanna see it no more..
376
00:19:30,670 --> 00:19:32,422
- ...then don't watch.
- Stan!
377
00:19:32,881 --> 00:19:34,966
Let me explain
something to you, Karl.
378
00:19:35,133 --> 00:19:38,261
We're gonna keep on doing this
sketch. You know why?
379
00:19:38,595 --> 00:19:39,929
Because it's funny.
380
00:19:40,096 --> 00:19:43,057
And in my business,
you never cut funny.
381
00:19:43,933 --> 00:19:47,729
Funny, huh? Let me tell you
about the business I'm in.
382
00:19:48,938 --> 00:19:51,107
I'm in the removal business.
383
00:19:51,316 --> 00:19:53,443
Now, if I were to feel
384
00:19:53,610 --> 00:19:57,238
that this stupid thing
from this stupid show
385
00:19:57,405 --> 00:19:59,490
was bothering me,
386
00:19:59,699 --> 00:20:01,326
I'd remove it.
387
00:20:03,745 --> 00:20:04,871
[Karl]
You see, it's gone.
388
00:20:05,038 --> 00:20:06,831
- [honking and screeching]
- And I feel good.
389
00:20:06,998 --> 00:20:08,541
Now, that's how
390
00:20:08,708 --> 00:20:11,377
the removal business works.
Do I make myself clear?
391
00:20:11,544 --> 00:20:13,880
I think everyone understands,
Mr. Rojeck. Shall we please..
392
00:20:14,047 --> 00:20:15,632
Hey, no, wait, wait, wait,
I'm not clear about
393
00:20:15,798 --> 00:20:17,175
a couple of things here.
394
00:20:17,592 --> 00:20:20,345
What you're saying is that
in this removal business
395
00:20:20,637 --> 00:20:23,223
if something bothers you,
like, um..
396
00:20:24,390 --> 00:20:26,017
[vehicle honking]
397
00:20:26,434 --> 00:20:28,019
...like, say this.
398
00:20:29,270 --> 00:20:30,188
Then you remove it.
399
00:20:30,355 --> 00:20:32,565
Stan, that is a cashmere coat.
400
00:20:34,275 --> 00:20:36,653
- Like that.
- Stan!
401
00:20:36,819 --> 00:20:37,946
[honking and screeching]
402
00:20:38,112 --> 00:20:39,072
You know, you're right.
403
00:20:39,364 --> 00:20:40,865
You do feel better.
404
00:20:41,032 --> 00:20:42,825
I like the removal business.
405
00:20:43,034 --> 00:20:44,244
I want you.
406
00:20:44,619 --> 00:20:46,162
Come on. Come and get me!
407
00:20:46,371 --> 00:20:48,498
Come on, come on, come on.
408
00:20:48,665 --> 00:20:50,416
[grunting]
409
00:20:52,502 --> 00:20:53,920
That's enough!
410
00:21:06,599 --> 00:21:08,643
A fightin' is rounds.
411
00:21:09,894 --> 00:21:11,813
This is Round 1.
412
00:21:18,111 --> 00:21:21,030
[Boss Rojeck growling]
413
00:21:22,448 --> 00:21:23,658
[whistle blows]
414
00:21:26,077 --> 00:21:28,288
So the first time
I drive him, is what?
415
00:21:28,454 --> 00:21:30,581
Right before the war, 1938.
416
00:21:31,249 --> 00:21:34,752
- Wow. That makes it 16 years.
- Yeah, we go way back.
417
00:21:35,420 --> 00:21:36,462
You drive anyone else?
418
00:21:36,629 --> 00:21:39,424
Sure, but when Mr. Swann's
in town, I drop everything.
419
00:21:46,556 --> 00:21:48,558
Upstairs, boys,
all right?
420
00:21:52,729 --> 00:21:55,565
♪♪ La la la la lum pum pa ♪♪
421
00:21:55,732 --> 00:21:58,067
♪♪ La la la la lum pum pa ♪♪
422
00:21:58,234 --> 00:22:00,361
♪♪ La la la la lum pum pa ♪♪
423
00:22:00,528 --> 00:22:02,780
♪♪ La la la la lum pum pa ♪♪
424
00:22:02,905 --> 00:22:04,324
♪♪ La lum.. ♪♪♪♪
425
00:22:07,410 --> 00:22:09,620
Wonderful to be alive.
426
00:22:20,715 --> 00:22:22,633
Make sure he don't fall.
427
00:22:27,638 --> 00:22:30,558
What is our estimated time
of arrival?
428
00:22:38,232 --> 00:22:41,235
Go ahead and lash me,
you swine!
429
00:22:41,402 --> 00:22:43,571
You'll not loosen my tongue!
430
00:22:43,738 --> 00:22:47,158
Whoa! That's from
Captain From Tortuga.
431
00:22:49,577 --> 00:22:50,661
Excuse me.
432
00:22:52,038 --> 00:22:53,748
Had this made special
for when he travels.
433
00:22:53,915 --> 00:22:55,291
Calls it his "Drunk suit."
434
00:23:11,516 --> 00:23:12,642
I have to remind him to work
435
00:23:12,809 --> 00:23:15,061
on some tear-away shoes.
436
00:23:16,187 --> 00:23:17,397
Good idea.
437
00:23:18,689 --> 00:23:21,025
Oh, my God, I'm blind.
438
00:23:21,692 --> 00:23:23,319
I cannot see.
439
00:23:25,571 --> 00:23:27,365
Help me get him into the tub.
440
00:23:28,157 --> 00:23:29,534
I got him.
441
00:23:42,255 --> 00:23:44,257
[Benjy]
This is probably more
than $35 a night, huh?
442
00:23:44,424 --> 00:23:48,845
- Try $250.
- $250 a night?
443
00:23:49,011 --> 00:23:51,180
Well, what's that meanto a guy like Alan Swann?
444
00:23:51,264 --> 00:23:54,100
[Alfie]
Nothing. When you ain't gotnothing, it don't mean nothing.
445
00:23:54,267 --> 00:23:55,226
[Benjy]
What are you talking about?
446
00:23:56,144 --> 00:23:58,104
[Alfie]
You're lookin' at tap city
in there.
447
00:23:59,063 --> 00:24:01,023
That's his stockpile.
Grab 'em, will ya?
448
00:24:03,985 --> 00:24:06,237
These must be
his drinking socks.
449
00:24:08,990 --> 00:24:09,907
Who's this?
450
00:24:10,825 --> 00:24:12,410
That's Tess, his daughter.
451
00:24:12,577 --> 00:24:14,370
Daughter? I didn't know
he had a daughter.
452
00:24:14,537 --> 00:24:16,789
- Where is she?
- She's in Connecticut.
453
00:24:17,707 --> 00:24:19,250
He always has
one secret bottle
454
00:24:19,417 --> 00:24:21,085
hidden somewhere
for emergencies.
455
00:24:29,093 --> 00:24:30,219
Got 'em all now.
456
00:24:38,311 --> 00:24:40,229
[Alfie]
Nah, that guy neveractually shot him.
457
00:24:40,396 --> 00:24:42,190
You see they was
supposed to have this duel.
458
00:24:42,356 --> 00:24:44,358
And I think it was
over that Peron dame.
459
00:24:44,525 --> 00:24:45,651
Anyhow, they both
showed up drunk, and, uh..
460
00:24:45,860 --> 00:24:47,069
[Swann] Alfredo!
461
00:24:48,321 --> 00:24:50,156
Swann sorta shot himself.
462
00:24:50,323 --> 00:24:52,158
[Swann humming]
Pa-pa pa-pa pa pum pum.
463
00:24:52,325 --> 00:24:54,243
Pa-pa pa-pa pa pum pum.
464
00:24:54,410 --> 00:24:56,787
Pa-pa pa-pa pa pa pum pum.
465
00:25:01,125 --> 00:25:03,628
Alfredo, my dear old chum.
466
00:25:03,794 --> 00:25:05,505
Tell me, how in the name
of God did I get here?
467
00:25:05,671 --> 00:25:07,965
- Begin at the airport.
- Oh, this is Benjy Stone.
468
00:25:08,132 --> 00:25:09,634
One of the writers
from The Comedy Cavalcade.
469
00:25:09,800 --> 00:25:10,760
How do you do?
470
00:25:10,927 --> 00:25:12,803
Alfredo, we should pop in
and see these people.
471
00:25:12,970 --> 00:25:13,804
Yes.
472
00:25:13,971 --> 00:25:15,681
Plenty of time tomorrow,
Mr. Swann.
473
00:25:16,182 --> 00:25:17,266
And since this
is your first time
474
00:25:17,433 --> 00:25:18,351
working in television,
475
00:25:18,518 --> 00:25:19,727
they've asked me
to stay with you
476
00:25:19,936 --> 00:25:21,729
and help you
over some of the rough spots.
477
00:25:21,896 --> 00:25:23,481
Like showing up?
478
00:25:23,648 --> 00:25:24,649
That's one.
479
00:25:25,358 --> 00:25:27,360
Another is not passing out.
480
00:25:29,153 --> 00:25:30,404
An honest one.
481
00:25:31,322 --> 00:25:33,241
Signor Bumbacelli,
we'll be two for dinner.
482
00:25:33,491 --> 00:25:34,534
Telephone the Stork Club.
483
00:25:34,700 --> 00:25:36,869
You sure you mean
the Stork Club, Mr. Swann?
484
00:25:37,036 --> 00:25:38,663
Certainly. It's been
a year and a half.
485
00:25:38,829 --> 00:25:41,207
Surely they've repaired the wall
of the bandstand by now.
486
00:25:42,917 --> 00:25:44,961
Would you like to talk about
the sketch before you leave?
487
00:25:45,127 --> 00:25:47,380
On an empty stomach?
No. We'll talk over dinner.
488
00:25:48,965 --> 00:25:51,676
Uh.. Me? You? The Stork Club?
489
00:25:52,343 --> 00:25:53,844
Well, after that
rather eloquent speech
490
00:25:54,011 --> 00:25:55,096
you made earlier this morning,
491
00:25:55,263 --> 00:25:57,181
I didn't think you'd mind
having dinner with me.
492
00:25:57,765 --> 00:25:58,933
You heard that?
493
00:26:00,017 --> 00:26:00,893
But you were out.
494
00:26:01,185 --> 00:26:04,480
There's out, and there's out.
495
00:26:05,314 --> 00:26:06,857
[Alfie]
I'd like to makereservations..
496
00:26:07,024 --> 00:26:11,737
So, Stone, what sort of
heroic idiot am I this time?
497
00:26:11,904 --> 00:26:14,699
- A musketeer idiot.
- I read that on the airplane.
498
00:26:15,116 --> 00:26:16,826
Very funny, very good.
499
00:26:16,993 --> 00:26:18,619
- I wrote that.
- Did you?
500
00:26:20,079 --> 00:26:21,956
Bravo, Stone. Bravo.
501
00:26:22,665 --> 00:26:25,668
Okay, Mr. Swann, table for two
at the Stork Club.
502
00:26:25,835 --> 00:26:26,836
Let's move it.
503
00:26:27,003 --> 00:26:28,921
Comedy is such a mystery to me.
504
00:26:29,088 --> 00:26:30,798
I feel the way Edmund Kean did.
505
00:26:31,257 --> 00:26:32,675
[Benjy]
The great English actor?
506
00:26:32,842 --> 00:26:33,968
Mmm.
507
00:26:34,885 --> 00:26:38,347
On his deathbed,
Kean was asked how he felt.
508
00:26:38,723 --> 00:26:39,807
He answered..
509
00:26:40,766 --> 00:26:42,935
"Dying is easy.
510
00:26:44,437 --> 00:26:46,147
Comedy is hard."
511
00:26:46,314 --> 00:26:48,065
[instrumental music]
512
00:26:56,657 --> 00:26:58,034
[cheering]
513
00:27:12,590 --> 00:27:15,885
Ah, Mr. Swann.
It's a pleasure to see you, sir.
514
00:27:16,052 --> 00:27:17,553
Pleasure to be seen.
515
00:27:18,387 --> 00:27:20,264
Benjamin Stone, my colleague.
516
00:27:20,431 --> 00:27:24,101
Alan! You look
absolutely marvelous.
517
00:27:24,268 --> 00:27:25,353
As do you.
518
00:27:25,978 --> 00:27:27,938
We must talk.
519
00:27:43,120 --> 00:27:44,080
Thank you.
520
00:27:44,246 --> 00:27:45,581
Mr. Swann.
521
00:27:49,210 --> 00:27:51,337
Alan, good to see you.
522
00:27:51,504 --> 00:27:53,214
- Call me, will you?
- Surely.
523
00:27:54,006 --> 00:27:55,341
I'll call you.
524
00:28:10,147 --> 00:28:13,192
- Welcome back, Mr. Swann.
- Curt.
525
00:28:13,401 --> 00:28:15,945
- Can I get you something?
- Perhaps.
526
00:28:16,112 --> 00:28:17,238
Uh, Curt..
527
00:28:18,823 --> 00:28:22,451
Who is that gorgeous-looking
creature over there?
528
00:28:26,288 --> 00:28:27,164
Oh, no, Mr. Swann.
529
00:28:27,331 --> 00:28:30,292
This is exactly the way
it started last time.
530
00:28:31,210 --> 00:28:33,254
[Swann]
In that case,we'll just order dinner.
531
00:28:35,172 --> 00:28:36,090
For now.
532
00:28:37,216 --> 00:28:39,009
[orchestral music]
533
00:28:50,563 --> 00:28:53,023
Victoria was the one
I should have married.
534
00:28:54,859 --> 00:28:56,902
Apart from being the finest
actress I've worked with,
535
00:28:57,069 --> 00:28:59,655
she was the most gracious
and intelligent woman
536
00:28:59,822 --> 00:29:01,240
I've ever known.
537
00:29:02,158 --> 00:29:03,868
Was it true the
two of you lived together
538
00:29:04,034 --> 00:29:05,911
while you
were filming Rapture?
539
00:29:07,997 --> 00:29:11,417
Lord knows, I was married to
almost all of her friends.
540
00:29:12,585 --> 00:29:14,503
[Benjy]
Why did you marryso many of them?
541
00:29:16,881 --> 00:29:19,008
Stone, I didn't marryany of them.
542
00:29:19,175 --> 00:29:20,718
They married me.
543
00:29:25,055 --> 00:29:28,142
Excuse me, Mr. Swann.
I'm Alvin Horn.
544
00:29:28,267 --> 00:29:29,977
My wife Ann and I
are celebrating
545
00:29:30,186 --> 00:29:31,812
our 40th anniversary.
546
00:29:31,979 --> 00:29:33,689
Congratulations, sport.
547
00:29:33,856 --> 00:29:36,817
You certainly have
more staying power than I.
548
00:29:36,984 --> 00:29:39,028
It would mean
so much to her if you could
549
00:29:39,195 --> 00:29:41,155
stop on your way out
and just say hello.
550
00:29:42,490 --> 00:29:43,282
Why wait?
551
00:29:44,200 --> 00:29:46,160
Lead me to the fair Ann.
552
00:29:49,580 --> 00:29:53,667
Stone...in a few minutes
I shall require a diversion.
553
00:29:55,294 --> 00:29:56,378
Oh..
554
00:29:57,630 --> 00:29:59,590
[music continues]
555
00:30:01,217 --> 00:30:02,635
[applause]
556
00:30:02,927 --> 00:30:04,720
Mr. Swann, my wife Ann.
557
00:30:06,263 --> 00:30:09,391
Mr. Horn, may I have this dance
with your beautiful wife?
558
00:30:09,558 --> 00:30:10,476
[Mr. Horn]
Of course.
559
00:30:15,231 --> 00:30:17,983
[classical music]
560
00:31:20,087 --> 00:31:21,380
[applause]
561
00:31:30,180 --> 00:31:31,640
[clattering, glass breaking]
562
00:31:33,017 --> 00:31:34,059
Come back here!
563
00:31:34,226 --> 00:31:35,102
[woman screams]
564
00:31:38,939 --> 00:31:40,774
Whoa! Whoa!
565
00:31:40,941 --> 00:31:41,817
[crowd screaming]
566
00:31:49,116 --> 00:31:50,034
Uh-oh.
567
00:31:51,493 --> 00:31:52,786
Is it always like this?
568
00:31:53,120 --> 00:31:54,496
Somebody stole my girl.
569
00:31:54,663 --> 00:31:57,458
["Somebody Stole My Gal"]
570
00:32:04,381 --> 00:32:07,509
[Leo]
To the question,"What were you doing naked
571
00:32:07,676 --> 00:32:10,220
in Central Park
in Bethesda Fountain
572
00:32:10,429 --> 00:32:11,764
at 3:00 in the morning?"
573
00:32:11,972 --> 00:32:14,934
Swann replied,
"The backstroke."
574
00:32:15,059 --> 00:32:17,937
Now, is this your idea
of watching him, Benjy?
575
00:32:18,270 --> 00:32:20,189
The police are treating it
like a parking ticket.
576
00:32:20,356 --> 00:32:21,982
- It's no big deal.
- No big deal?
577
00:32:22,149 --> 00:32:23,359
We got kids watchin' the show.
578
00:32:23,525 --> 00:32:25,778
We're talkin'
generations to come here.
579
00:32:25,945 --> 00:32:27,821
We're discussin' morals here!
580
00:32:30,491 --> 00:32:33,035
You're not qualified
to discuss morals, Sy.
581
00:32:33,202 --> 00:32:36,622
Up your hole with a Mello-Roll,
Alice. And yours, too, Herb.
582
00:32:36,747 --> 00:32:38,582
Leo, it gets me sick to think
we got to put up
583
00:32:38,791 --> 00:32:40,209
with some washed-up jaboney
who's gonna be
584
00:32:40,417 --> 00:32:42,670
running around Central Park
with his schlong hangin' out!
585
00:32:42,836 --> 00:32:44,338
[Swann]
My dear fellow, what I choose
586
00:32:44,505 --> 00:32:46,674
to do with my schlong
is my business.
587
00:32:46,840 --> 00:32:49,301
- How's business?
- Never better.
588
00:32:49,468 --> 00:32:51,762
- Stone, good morning.
- Good morning.
589
00:32:51,929 --> 00:32:53,555
- Morning, all.
- Morning.
590
00:32:55,683 --> 00:32:56,684
Morning.
591
00:32:56,850 --> 00:32:58,602
- Good morning.
- Morning.
592
00:32:59,019 --> 00:33:02,606
When King gets here, we'll read
through the musketeer sketch.
593
00:33:02,940 --> 00:33:06,026
My assistant, K.C. Downing,
Mr. Swann.
594
00:33:06,193 --> 00:33:07,945
- How do you do?
- Hello. Uh, oh.
595
00:33:08,112 --> 00:33:10,489
Uh.. If there's
anything you need
596
00:33:10,656 --> 00:33:11,949
uh, I can take care
of it for you.
597
00:33:12,157 --> 00:33:13,158
Anything?
598
00:33:13,325 --> 00:33:15,995
Oh. [chuckles]
Within reason.
599
00:33:16,161 --> 00:33:19,039
Let's begin with some tea,
and see where that leads us.
600
00:33:19,206 --> 00:33:20,582
- Ah, tea.
- Hmm.
601
00:33:22,251 --> 00:33:24,211
Uh.. Oh, do you drink bags?
602
00:33:24,378 --> 00:33:26,714
I mean, do you, I mean,
are these okay? Tea bags?
603
00:33:26,839 --> 00:33:28,298
- Oh, surely, surely.
- Oh.
604
00:33:30,134 --> 00:33:32,094
- Now--
- [Swann]
Good morning, Mr. Kaiser.
605
00:33:39,935 --> 00:33:41,311
What do you say?
606
00:33:42,396 --> 00:33:43,188
Leo.
607
00:33:44,231 --> 00:33:45,482
Oh, and, uh..
608
00:33:45,649 --> 00:33:48,068
Good morning, uh, Mr. Swann.
609
00:33:52,406 --> 00:33:53,949
Where's the musketeer set?
610
00:33:54,116 --> 00:33:56,160
Okay, it isn't here.
611
00:33:56,326 --> 00:33:57,286
That's where it is.
612
00:33:57,453 --> 00:33:58,537
And they won't deliver it.
613
00:33:58,746 --> 00:34:01,415
Rojeck did it.
Now are you happy?
614
00:34:01,582 --> 00:34:03,125
- Rojeck?
- Yeah.
615
00:34:03,292 --> 00:34:04,668
Oh, I've got a great idea.
616
00:34:04,835 --> 00:34:06,336
Let's-let's just drop
617
00:34:06,503 --> 00:34:08,338
drop the "Boss Hijack" sketch
this week.
618
00:34:08,505 --> 00:34:10,174
Give me that set, do you
understand? I want that set.
619
00:34:10,340 --> 00:34:12,843
I don't care if you have to
rent trucks, find drivers.
620
00:34:13,010 --> 00:34:15,679
Get that set here! Build a set!
Steal a set! I don't care!
621
00:34:15,846 --> 00:34:17,723
Nobody's gonna
tell King Kaiser that..
622
00:34:21,852 --> 00:34:23,562
Okay, I'm gonna go back there
623
00:34:23,771 --> 00:34:24,813
and get my script
624
00:34:24,980 --> 00:34:25,898
and then I'll come back here
625
00:34:26,065 --> 00:34:27,191
and we'll read
through the sketch
626
00:34:27,357 --> 00:34:28,400
and then we'll work out
627
00:34:28,525 --> 00:34:29,651
the set problem.
Okay, Leo?
628
00:34:29,818 --> 00:34:31,695
[telephone ringing]
629
00:34:34,073 --> 00:34:36,867
[Leo]
Okay, everybody,let's chase ten minutes.
630
00:34:36,992 --> 00:34:38,202
Cavalcade.
631
00:34:40,329 --> 00:34:42,289
Benjy Stone! Telephone!
632
00:34:43,665 --> 00:34:45,167
You got..
633
00:34:46,460 --> 00:34:47,961
- Hello?
- [Belle] Benjamin, darling.
634
00:34:48,128 --> 00:34:50,756
Ma, did you watch
the show Saturday night?
635
00:34:50,923 --> 00:34:52,466
[Belle]
No, we watchedwrestling instead.
636
00:34:52,633 --> 00:34:54,510
Of course, I saw the show.
637
00:34:54,676 --> 00:34:56,095
- Well?
- Well, what else?
638
00:34:56,261 --> 00:34:58,347
It was brilliant, darling.
639
00:34:58,514 --> 00:34:59,807
Just one thing.
640
00:34:59,973 --> 00:35:02,142
Who-who is this "Benjy Stone?"
641
00:35:02,810 --> 00:35:04,103
Ma, don't start in.
642
00:35:04,269 --> 00:35:06,188
Do you think.. Shh!
643
00:35:08,357 --> 00:35:10,651
Do you think I'll ever see
the name Benjamin Steinberg,
644
00:35:10,818 --> 00:35:13,445
a real name, go by
King Kaiser's face one day?
645
00:35:14,113 --> 00:35:16,490
Look who's talking,
Mrs. Belle Carioca.
646
00:35:16,657 --> 00:35:18,742
Carroca! Carroca!
647
00:35:18,951 --> 00:35:21,245
Carroca! Carroca!
648
00:35:21,411 --> 00:35:22,538
Rookie, shush.
649
00:35:22,704 --> 00:35:24,540
See, now you upset
your stepfather.
650
00:35:24,873 --> 00:35:26,708
Ma, could you just
call him "Rookie"
651
00:35:26,875 --> 00:35:28,544
and not my stepfather
all the time?
652
00:35:28,877 --> 00:35:30,129
Benjamin, darling..
653
00:35:30,295 --> 00:35:31,672
Rookie, dust!
654
00:35:33,590 --> 00:35:37,177
Before your beloved father
passed away
655
00:35:37,344 --> 00:35:39,054
and eventually died,
he said to me..
656
00:35:39,221 --> 00:35:40,514
"Belle..
657
00:35:40,681 --> 00:35:43,892
"...after I go,
get someone to be with.
658
00:35:44,059 --> 00:35:47,229
Someone nice. A pal."
659
00:35:47,396 --> 00:35:49,648
So you went out and found
a Filipino bantamweight
660
00:35:49,815 --> 00:35:51,400
named Rookie Carroca?
661
00:35:51,692 --> 00:35:54,111
Rookie Carroca,
who held the title
662
00:35:54,278 --> 00:35:56,071
for well over six months.
663
00:35:56,238 --> 00:35:59,241
Until Manny Serpa turned him
into guava jelly at the Garden.
664
00:35:59,408 --> 00:36:00,784
Serpa butted him.
665
00:36:01,118 --> 00:36:03,579
I'll fight Serpa today,
and take him apart.
666
00:36:03,745 --> 00:36:05,455
Do you hear
what you've started here?
667
00:36:05,622 --> 00:36:06,707
- [Benjy] Ma!
- What?
668
00:36:06,874 --> 00:36:09,084
Was there a reason you called?
669
00:36:09,251 --> 00:36:11,295
Only to remind you
that you're coming here
670
00:36:11,461 --> 00:36:12,921
for dinner tomorrow night.
671
00:36:13,088 --> 00:36:15,465
Oh, no, ma, I can't make it.
672
00:36:15,841 --> 00:36:16,925
Alan Swann's on the show
673
00:36:17,092 --> 00:36:18,677
and they made me his keeper.
674
00:36:19,094 --> 00:36:21,597
- Alan Swann from the movies?
- [Benjy] Yeah.
675
00:36:21,763 --> 00:36:24,266
Rookie, Alan Swann
from the movies.
676
00:36:24,433 --> 00:36:25,851
So bring him along!
677
00:36:26,977 --> 00:36:28,812
Bring Alan Swann to Brooklyn?
678
00:36:29,104 --> 00:36:30,147
Well, why not?
679
00:36:30,314 --> 00:36:33,025
- What are you ashamed of?
- Everything!
680
00:36:33,192 --> 00:36:36,445
[Belle]
And, Benjamin, when youget here, be nice to my Rookie.
681
00:36:36,612 --> 00:36:38,947
- He likes you.
- Yeah, and I like him.
682
00:36:39,489 --> 00:36:41,366
I tell you what,I'll bring him a present.
683
00:36:41,658 --> 00:36:43,327
Does he need a new machete?
684
00:36:44,286 --> 00:36:45,537
Eyes..
685
00:36:46,163 --> 00:36:48,040
It's always in the eyes.
686
00:36:49,791 --> 00:36:52,878
You. I would like
a word with you.
687
00:36:53,045 --> 00:36:54,588
Oh, Benjamin, uh,
we're in the middle
688
00:36:54,755 --> 00:36:56,590
of an interesting
conversation here.
689
00:36:56,757 --> 00:36:58,508
Oh, I bet it's real interesting.
690
00:36:58,675 --> 00:37:01,511
What's the subject of this
interesting conversation?
691
00:37:02,179 --> 00:37:03,555
These eyes.
692
00:37:04,598 --> 00:37:06,600
They're Merle Oberon's eyes.
693
00:37:06,767 --> 00:37:08,060
Merle Oberon's?
694
00:37:08,227 --> 00:37:09,436
Oh, and what's Merle
doing for eyes?
695
00:37:09,603 --> 00:37:10,938
Using Katherine Hepburn's?
696
00:37:12,272 --> 00:37:14,399
Uh.. Um..
697
00:37:14,816 --> 00:37:16,235
Excuse me, Alan.
698
00:37:16,401 --> 00:37:17,903
Excuse me, Alan.
699
00:37:18,487 --> 00:37:20,822
Benjamin, what is
the matter with you?
700
00:37:21,156 --> 00:37:21,949
Me?
701
00:37:22,824 --> 00:37:24,368
If you're gonna fall
for every movie star
702
00:37:24,534 --> 00:37:26,328
who comes on the show,
what kind of a future
703
00:37:26,495 --> 00:37:27,412
are we going to have?
704
00:37:27,579 --> 00:37:29,831
The same as we have now. None!
705
00:37:31,750 --> 00:37:32,834
Wait.
706
00:37:33,627 --> 00:37:35,796
Give her a head start.
707
00:37:35,963 --> 00:37:38,340
It gives her the illusion
she's being chased.
708
00:37:47,599 --> 00:37:49,601
[stage crew #1]
These cans say, "crushed."
709
00:37:49,768 --> 00:37:51,770
Where the hellare the pineapple girls?
710
00:37:51,937 --> 00:37:53,522
Hey, I'm sorry.
711
00:37:53,689 --> 00:37:54,856
I acted like a jerk.
712
00:37:55,023 --> 00:37:56,566
You're being too easy
on yourself.
713
00:37:56,733 --> 00:37:59,403
And where did you get the idea
that we have a future?
714
00:37:59,736 --> 00:38:01,405
We have an understanding.
715
00:38:01,571 --> 00:38:02,906
What understanding?
716
00:38:03,073 --> 00:38:04,449
That I am hopelessly
in love with you
717
00:38:04,616 --> 00:38:05,742
and you couldn't
care less about me.
718
00:38:05,909 --> 00:38:07,744
[scoffs]
Yeah. Yeah, you could say that.
719
00:38:08,078 --> 00:38:10,372
Well, maybe this
will change your mind.
720
00:38:11,373 --> 00:38:13,375
This belonged to my grandmother.
721
00:38:14,126 --> 00:38:15,544
I want you to have it.
722
00:38:18,547 --> 00:38:21,758
Oh, Benjamin,
I can't take that.
723
00:38:22,092 --> 00:38:24,386
Fine! How about a car?
724
00:38:24,970 --> 00:38:27,055
- Benjamin, the ring!
- It was glass.
725
00:38:27,514 --> 00:38:30,684
Ah! Sanctuary! Sanctuary!
726
00:38:30,851 --> 00:38:32,602
Sanctuary, my ass.
727
00:38:35,355 --> 00:38:37,399
- I'm sorry, ladies, there was--
- [women yelling]
728
00:38:37,566 --> 00:38:39,401
[K.C.]
Benjamin, would youget out of here?
729
00:38:39,568 --> 00:38:41,695
[Benjy]
No, not until you tell meexactly what was going on
730
00:38:41,862 --> 00:38:42,988
between you and Swann.
731
00:38:43,155 --> 00:38:44,197
Look, just get out of here!
732
00:38:44,364 --> 00:38:45,866
- Hey, I'm in here!
- Wait!
733
00:38:46,033 --> 00:38:48,160
- I was saving this for later.
- What are you doing?
734
00:38:48,327 --> 00:38:49,786
- What's he doing?
- I'm proposing.
735
00:38:49,953 --> 00:38:51,121
- What?
- What?
736
00:38:51,288 --> 00:38:52,706
I'm proposing
that we live together
737
00:38:52,873 --> 00:38:54,416
and if we like it,
we get married.
738
00:38:54,583 --> 00:38:56,585
- Come on, say yes.
- Oh, God!
739
00:38:56,752 --> 00:38:57,836
- Oh, my God!
- All right.
740
00:38:58,003 --> 00:38:59,463
If that's too tough,
just nod your head.
741
00:38:59,629 --> 00:39:01,548
- [Lil]
You get the hell outta here.
- Please, give me a word.
742
00:39:01,798 --> 00:39:02,966
A sign, a sound.
743
00:39:03,133 --> 00:39:05,218
[flushing]
744
00:39:05,385 --> 00:39:07,512
That's not the sound
I was looking for.
745
00:39:07,679 --> 00:39:10,849
All right, the hell with it,
I'm coming out now.
746
00:39:11,016 --> 00:39:13,226
- Ah, Stone! Time for lunch.
- What? Uh, yeah.
747
00:39:13,393 --> 00:39:14,686
Just going to the lavatory.
748
00:39:16,063 --> 00:39:18,440
This is for ladies only.
749
00:39:18,607 --> 00:39:19,483
[unzips]
750
00:39:19,858 --> 00:39:20,984
And so is this, ma'am.
751
00:39:21,151 --> 00:39:22,152
But every now and again,
I have to run
752
00:39:22,319 --> 00:39:23,695
a little water through it.
753
00:39:26,782 --> 00:39:28,825
[Swann]
No, Stone, I insist.Lunch is on me.
754
00:39:29,159 --> 00:39:30,327
I-I got it.
755
00:39:30,869 --> 00:39:31,787
Oh.
756
00:39:32,412 --> 00:39:35,374
Stone, I want you to know
that this morning
757
00:39:35,499 --> 00:39:37,334
I'd absolutely no idea
I was in the process
758
00:39:37,542 --> 00:39:39,002
of inserting myself
into an arrangement
759
00:39:39,211 --> 00:39:41,046
which already existed
between you and Miss Downing.
760
00:39:41,213 --> 00:39:42,464
Would it have made
any difference?
761
00:39:42,631 --> 00:39:43,507
No.
762
00:39:43,673 --> 00:39:45,133
Are you in love with the girl?
763
00:39:45,300 --> 00:39:46,343
I think I am.
764
00:39:47,010 --> 00:39:49,221
- I don't know what she wants.
- Romance, Stone.
765
00:39:49,388 --> 00:39:51,640
That's the only thing that
you can be sure they all want.
766
00:39:51,807 --> 00:39:53,308
[Benjy]
I never met anyone like her.
767
00:39:53,475 --> 00:39:55,268
[Swann]
She never met anyone like you.
768
00:39:55,435 --> 00:39:57,813
Use that, cultivate it.
769
00:39:57,979 --> 00:39:59,898
[Benjy]
Right there is where I lost you.
770
00:40:00,065 --> 00:40:02,484
[Swann]
Stone, women love
to be intrigued.
771
00:40:02,651 --> 00:40:04,778
They enjoy unravelling
the mystery that is man.
772
00:40:04,945 --> 00:40:06,863
But you must allow them
the freedom to discover you.
773
00:40:07,030 --> 00:40:08,698
- Is that what you do?
- No.
774
00:40:08,990 --> 00:40:10,784
I don't have that luxury.
775
00:40:11,827 --> 00:40:13,078
Women who are interested in me
776
00:40:13,245 --> 00:40:14,955
know exactly who I am
and what they want
777
00:40:15,122 --> 00:40:16,706
and nine times out of ten
they get it.
778
00:40:17,833 --> 00:40:20,544
- That's some courage.
- [Swann] You'd be surprised.
779
00:40:20,710 --> 00:40:22,003
You see, no matter what I do
780
00:40:22,170 --> 00:40:24,589
I can never fulfill
their expectations.
781
00:40:24,923 --> 00:40:25,799
Could I..
782
00:40:26,550 --> 00:40:27,884
Could I have..
783
00:40:36,059 --> 00:40:37,936
[telephone ringing]
784
00:40:57,873 --> 00:40:58,832
[chuckles]
785
00:41:01,042 --> 00:41:02,586
[K.C.]
So, this isthe Benjy Stone version
786
00:41:02,752 --> 00:41:04,296
of "Dinner and a movie," huh?
787
00:41:04,463 --> 00:41:05,589
Doesn't Sy's office take on
788
00:41:05,755 --> 00:41:07,048
a whole different
feeling at night?
789
00:41:07,215 --> 00:41:08,675
Yeah, it gets worse.
790
00:41:09,050 --> 00:41:10,552
Okay, here we go.
791
00:41:11,094 --> 00:41:13,597
These are all dim sum,
Chinese dumplings.
792
00:41:13,763 --> 00:41:15,807
These are pan-fried,
those are steamed.
793
00:41:15,974 --> 00:41:17,309
They're good just with vinegar.
794
00:41:17,726 --> 00:41:18,602
Chili sauce.
795
00:41:19,269 --> 00:41:20,562
Stay away from this baby.
796
00:41:20,645 --> 00:41:22,105
A couple of drops of this,
and your tongue
797
00:41:22,272 --> 00:41:23,899
dials the fire department.
798
00:41:23,982 --> 00:41:26,985
- You know how to use these?
- Uh, to make a sweater, yes.
799
00:41:27,152 --> 00:41:28,278
- Okay, I'll show you.
- Okay.
800
00:41:28,445 --> 00:41:30,864
Look, balance is everything,
one goes there,
801
00:41:31,031 --> 00:41:32,240
the other one on top, like that.
802
00:41:32,324 --> 00:41:35,118
Now, do exactly as I do.
803
00:41:37,662 --> 00:41:39,539
Dim sum are too hard
to eat with chopsticks.
804
00:41:39,706 --> 00:41:41,458
- Don't make yourself crazy.
- [laughs]
805
00:41:41,625 --> 00:41:42,459
- Okay.
- Yup.
806
00:41:42,667 --> 00:41:44,044
[chuckling]
807
00:41:44,252 --> 00:41:46,004
You really know this stuff.
808
00:41:46,588 --> 00:41:48,256
Katherine, Jews know two things.
809
00:41:48,423 --> 00:41:51,593
Suffering, and where to find
great Chinese food.
810
00:41:52,469 --> 00:41:53,553
Mmm.
811
00:41:59,976 --> 00:42:01,061
What?
812
00:42:01,228 --> 00:42:03,188
Too loud? What? What?
813
00:42:04,898 --> 00:42:06,733
No, no. It's just,
it's really nice, you know.
814
00:42:06,900 --> 00:42:10,070
You're just...sitting there,
having your dinner
815
00:42:10,487 --> 00:42:13,448
wearing men's clothing.
Well...sort of.
816
00:42:13,615 --> 00:42:16,201
[chuckles]
I mean, I-I really
like this guy.
817
00:42:16,368 --> 00:42:18,411
I like this guy much better
than the other guy.
818
00:42:18,912 --> 00:42:20,163
What other guy?
819
00:42:20,330 --> 00:42:22,207
Oh, you know,
the guy in the tiara.
820
00:42:22,374 --> 00:42:24,209
The mosquito who bothers you
in elevators.
821
00:42:24,376 --> 00:42:26,002
Th-the person who runs down
the hallway with Scotch tape
822
00:42:26,169 --> 00:42:28,129
all over his body.
A human fly.
823
00:42:29,589 --> 00:42:31,591
Ugh!
[chuckles]
824
00:42:31,758 --> 00:42:33,301
- Do not think, uh..
- You think..
825
00:42:33,468 --> 00:42:35,053
Oh. No, I was just gonna say..
826
00:42:35,387 --> 00:42:37,347
Do you think there are..
827
00:42:37,514 --> 00:42:40,100
...funny people,
and not-funny people?
828
00:42:40,684 --> 00:42:42,519
Yes, definitely.
829
00:42:42,727 --> 00:42:45,564
On the funny side, there are
the Marx Brothers, except Zeppo.
830
00:42:45,689 --> 00:42:47,524
The Ritz Brothers,
no exceptions.
831
00:42:47,732 --> 00:42:50,735
Both Laurel and Hardy,
and Woody Woodpecker.
832
00:42:51,111 --> 00:42:52,654
On the unfunny side,
there is anybody
833
00:42:52,821 --> 00:42:54,781
who has ever played
the accordion professionally.
834
00:42:54,948 --> 00:42:56,741
[laughing]
835
00:42:56,908 --> 00:42:58,159
And me.
836
00:42:58,326 --> 00:43:01,288
You know, everybody who works
here is funny, except me.
837
00:43:01,454 --> 00:43:02,664
No, you're funny.
838
00:43:02,998 --> 00:43:04,624
Really? When?
839
00:43:07,085 --> 00:43:08,920
Well, I'm sure
you could be funny.
840
00:43:09,546 --> 00:43:10,589
How?
841
00:43:10,755 --> 00:43:13,049
You can tell a joke.
Anyone can tell a joke.
842
00:43:13,216 --> 00:43:14,342
Not me.
843
00:43:15,176 --> 00:43:17,387
Yes, you can. I'll teach you.
844
00:43:17,721 --> 00:43:19,055
I'll tell you a joke,
845
00:43:19,222 --> 00:43:20,140
and you tell it back to me.
846
00:43:20,307 --> 00:43:21,308
Okay?
847
00:43:21,474 --> 00:43:23,685
[laughs]
Okay, I'll try.
848
00:43:25,228 --> 00:43:26,438
First rule.
849
00:43:26,855 --> 00:43:28,273
Never tell a joke sitting down.
850
00:43:28,440 --> 00:43:30,567
You have to be on your feet.
And use your hands.
851
00:43:32,652 --> 00:43:35,155
This guy walks into
a psychiatrist's office.
852
00:43:35,530 --> 00:43:36,406
He has a duck on his head.
853
00:43:36,573 --> 00:43:38,491
The psychiatrist says,
"Can I help you?"
854
00:43:38,658 --> 00:43:40,535
The duck says, "Yeah,
get this guy off my ass."
855
00:43:40,702 --> 00:43:41,661
[laughs]
856
00:43:41,828 --> 00:43:43,371
Okay, now you try.
857
00:43:43,538 --> 00:43:44,873
Okay, here goes.
858
00:43:47,042 --> 00:43:48,418
- A man--
- Hold it.
859
00:43:48,585 --> 00:43:50,378
"This guy."
It's better than, "A man."
860
00:43:50,545 --> 00:43:52,255
- Oh, okay.
- Sorry.
861
00:43:52,756 --> 00:43:53,882
- Um--
- And use your hands.
862
00:43:54,049 --> 00:43:55,759
- Oh. Right.
- Sorry. Go ahead.
863
00:43:57,260 --> 00:44:00,805
This guy, uh, walks into
a doctor's office--
864
00:44:01,014 --> 00:44:02,474
- Psychiatrist.
- Psychiatrist.
865
00:44:02,682 --> 00:44:04,225
Right, okay. Sorry.
Okay, I got it, I got it.
866
00:44:04,434 --> 00:44:07,395
Uh.. This guy walks into
867
00:44:07,479 --> 00:44:09,439
a psychiatrist's office,
wearing a duck.
868
00:44:09,606 --> 00:44:11,066
Whoa, what? Wearing a duck?
869
00:44:11,232 --> 00:44:12,442
- Wearing a duck, no.
- Oh.
870
00:44:12,567 --> 00:44:14,277
He has a duck on his head.
871
00:44:14,486 --> 00:44:15,820
I told you I wasn't
very good at this.
872
00:44:16,029 --> 00:44:17,739
No. It's my fault.
873
00:44:17,906 --> 00:44:19,240
- It-it-it's good.
- Yeah?
874
00:44:19,449 --> 00:44:20,867
Uh, okay.
875
00:44:21,076 --> 00:44:23,578
This guy walks into
a psychiatrist's office
876
00:44:23,745 --> 00:44:25,038
with a duck on his head.
877
00:44:25,205 --> 00:44:27,957
And the guy says
to the psychiatrist
878
00:44:28,124 --> 00:44:30,752
"Uh, will you help me because
I have a duck on my head?"
879
00:44:39,469 --> 00:44:41,846
- What's that for?
- Accordion lessons.
880
00:44:42,013 --> 00:44:42,931
[chuckles]
881
00:44:48,269 --> 00:44:50,563
Well, that ends the dinner
portion of the evening.
882
00:44:50,730 --> 00:44:52,899
And now, it's time
for the movie portion.
883
00:44:58,488 --> 00:45:00,740
[climactic music]
884
00:45:13,378 --> 00:45:15,004
- Lord Drummond.
- Lord Drummond!
885
00:45:16,506 --> 00:45:18,383
Ha ha! Drummond.
886
00:45:18,550 --> 00:45:21,302
If it would put you at ease,
I could turn my back again.
887
00:45:21,469 --> 00:45:22,846
- Shh.
- You will this day..
888
00:45:23,012 --> 00:45:25,098
...taste my steel.
889
00:45:25,265 --> 00:45:27,058
Then leave us not dally,
Drummond, for today
890
00:45:27,225 --> 00:45:29,769
I have an engagement to mount
the throne of England.
891
00:45:30,186 --> 00:45:32,522
- Over my dead body.
- Be quiet.
892
00:45:32,689 --> 00:45:33,648
As you wish.
893
00:45:33,815 --> 00:45:34,858
Are you gonna keep doing this?
894
00:45:35,024 --> 00:45:37,902
- As you wish.
- Sir John!
895
00:45:38,069 --> 00:45:39,738
- Benjamin!
- Shh.
896
00:45:39,904 --> 00:45:41,781
[climactic music]
897
00:45:47,370 --> 00:45:48,329
[grunts]
898
00:45:50,707 --> 00:45:52,667
[swords clanking]
899
00:46:22,614 --> 00:46:24,908
[music continues]
900
00:46:47,597 --> 00:46:48,556
Ah!
901
00:47:17,252 --> 00:47:20,213
I guess this is the kissing
portion of the evening.
902
00:47:33,726 --> 00:47:34,978
♪♪ I am arrogant ♪♪
903
00:47:35,144 --> 00:47:36,771
♪♪ He's arrogant
He's arrogant ♪♪
904
00:47:36,938 --> 00:47:38,439
♪♪ And I am Porthole ♪♪
905
00:47:38,606 --> 00:47:40,191
♪♪ He's Porthole
He's Porthole ♪♪
906
00:47:40,358 --> 00:47:41,985
♪♪ And I am Swann ♪♪
907
00:47:42,151 --> 00:47:43,653
♪♪ He's Swann
He's Swann ♪♪
908
00:47:43,820 --> 00:47:45,613
♪♪ It's one for all
and all for one ♪♪
909
00:47:45,780 --> 00:47:48,700
♪♪ One for you and tea for two ♪♪♪♪
910
00:47:48,867 --> 00:47:50,994
Break it up!
911
00:47:51,119 --> 00:47:53,246
Everybody. Okay. All right.
912
00:47:53,413 --> 00:47:55,331
Now, hold it! Hold it!
Hold it! Hold it!
913
00:47:55,498 --> 00:47:57,375
Wait a minute!
I want to say something.
914
00:47:59,836 --> 00:48:01,462
Alan, um..
915
00:48:02,547 --> 00:48:04,674
I wanna tell you that I was
a little worried about you.
916
00:48:04,841 --> 00:48:05,800
Only a little?
917
00:48:05,967 --> 00:48:07,093
I would have thought
my reputation
918
00:48:07,260 --> 00:48:08,386
warranted major concern.
919
00:48:08,553 --> 00:48:09,387
[laughing]
920
00:48:09,596 --> 00:48:11,014
Yeah, you're right, um..
921
00:48:11,180 --> 00:48:12,473
I was gonna dump you.
922
00:48:13,516 --> 00:48:14,893
But, uh..
923
00:48:15,518 --> 00:48:17,478
I'm glad I didn't,
because, uh..
924
00:48:23,026 --> 00:48:24,193
Well, uh..
925
00:48:25,612 --> 00:48:27,947
I've seen all your films
and, uh..
926
00:48:29,407 --> 00:48:30,533
...I'm a fan.
927
00:48:32,201 --> 00:48:33,870
And here we are,
working together
928
00:48:34,037 --> 00:48:35,580
and it's, uh..
929
00:48:36,497 --> 00:48:38,374
...it's been nice, because, uh..
930
00:48:40,126 --> 00:48:41,044
...you're funny.
931
00:48:41,669 --> 00:48:43,004
You're really funny.
932
00:48:44,005 --> 00:48:45,340
Praise indeed, sire.
933
00:48:45,882 --> 00:48:48,760
And may I say that other than
one remarkable season
934
00:48:48,927 --> 00:48:51,721
with an English repertory
company, this is the most fun
935
00:48:51,888 --> 00:48:54,223
and the hardest work I've done
since the world was young.
936
00:48:55,099 --> 00:48:56,809
[applause]
937
00:48:59,771 --> 00:49:01,189
That's great. Really.
938
00:49:02,065 --> 00:49:03,858
But, uh, one other thing.
939
00:49:04,943 --> 00:49:06,361
You're gonna show up
tomorrow, too, right?
940
00:49:06,527 --> 00:49:08,947
[laughter]
941
00:49:09,113 --> 00:49:11,157
- Right, Swann?
- Right, Porthole.
942
00:49:11,574 --> 00:49:12,992
But I needs must
take leave of you
943
00:49:13,159 --> 00:49:14,869
for Stone and I journey
to dine in some
944
00:49:15,036 --> 00:49:17,038
far-off land called Brooklyn.
945
00:49:17,664 --> 00:49:19,540
[applause]
946
00:49:19,749 --> 00:49:21,793
Well, that's it.
Big day tomorrow.
947
00:49:21,960 --> 00:49:23,461
Show day! Have a good night.
948
00:49:23,628 --> 00:49:25,004
See you at 10:00 a.m.
949
00:49:25,171 --> 00:49:26,714
- Goodnight.
- Okay, everyone.
950
00:49:26,881 --> 00:49:29,342
- Goodnight, Leo.
- Take it easy, Eddie.
951
00:49:29,467 --> 00:49:31,511
Nice work today.
952
00:49:31,678 --> 00:49:32,929
Do it that good
on the show tomorrow.
953
00:49:33,137 --> 00:49:35,264
[glass shatters]
954
00:49:35,431 --> 00:49:37,100
- Are you all right?
- It's all right, I'm okay.
955
00:49:37,266 --> 00:49:38,851
It's no problem.
It's nothing. A thing fell.
956
00:49:39,018 --> 00:49:40,144
It's nothing.
Really, go home.
957
00:49:40,311 --> 00:49:41,813
- Sure you're okay?
- I'm okay.
958
00:49:41,980 --> 00:49:43,231
I want you to get some rest.
Everybody go home.
959
00:49:43,398 --> 00:49:45,274
I'm all right.
I promise you, I'm all right.
960
00:49:45,441 --> 00:49:46,943
Come on, let's go home.
961
00:49:47,443 --> 00:49:48,778
Come on.
962
00:49:50,488 --> 00:49:51,781
My God!
963
00:49:52,782 --> 00:49:54,450
It's an accident, Leo.
964
00:49:54,617 --> 00:49:55,743
Rojeck.
965
00:49:56,285 --> 00:49:57,328
That's it!
966
00:49:57,787 --> 00:50:00,790
I'm not gonna let you do
the "Boss Hijack" sketch.
967
00:50:00,957 --> 00:50:02,667
It's an accident, Leo,
an accident.
968
00:50:02,834 --> 00:50:04,711
And we're doing
the "Boss Hijack" sketch.
969
00:50:04,877 --> 00:50:06,170
Stan!
970
00:50:06,838 --> 00:50:07,922
Leo!
971
00:50:08,965 --> 00:50:10,299
Thanks for caring.
972
00:50:12,260 --> 00:50:13,678
[sighs]
973
00:50:15,221 --> 00:50:17,807
By the by, Stone,
where is this Brooklyn?
974
00:50:17,974 --> 00:50:19,142
Another world.
975
00:50:20,476 --> 00:50:22,812
["How High The Moon"
by Les Paul and Mary Ford]
976
00:50:39,454 --> 00:50:40,455
Hop in!
977
00:50:41,205 --> 00:50:42,707
Come on. Hop in.
978
00:50:45,793 --> 00:50:47,253
[tires screeching]
979
00:50:48,796 --> 00:50:52,383
♪♪ Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ♪♪
980
00:50:52,550 --> 00:50:57,388
♪♪ Ah ah ah ♪♪♪♪
981
00:50:59,724 --> 00:51:00,892
Uncle Morty.
982
00:51:01,350 --> 00:51:03,436
- How odd to find you here.
- Why?
983
00:51:03,603 --> 00:51:06,689
I just caught the 7:45 elevator
down from six.
984
00:51:07,065 --> 00:51:08,900
I assume Aunt Sadie
is here, also?
985
00:51:09,067 --> 00:51:11,152
Not yet, but she'll be.
986
00:51:11,444 --> 00:51:14,113
Uncle Morty,
say hello to Alan Swann.
987
00:51:15,615 --> 00:51:17,617
I didn't catch the name.
988
00:51:18,785 --> 00:51:19,702
Hmm.
989
00:51:22,830 --> 00:51:23,790
Ooh.
990
00:51:27,376 --> 00:51:29,670
Alan Swann.
Rookie Carioca.
991
00:51:29,879 --> 00:51:31,547
Carroca!
992
00:51:31,714 --> 00:51:34,467
There was a lethal bantamweight
called Carroca.
993
00:51:34,842 --> 00:51:36,385
You're looking at him.
994
00:51:36,677 --> 00:51:39,514
I saw you fight in San Diego.
995
00:51:40,306 --> 00:51:41,599
- Sailor Donovan.
- Right.
996
00:51:41,766 --> 00:51:43,267
- Took him out in three.
- Two.
997
00:51:43,810 --> 00:51:45,812
Who knew the Chinaman
was a fighter?
998
00:51:45,978 --> 00:51:47,980
To me he doesn't open a mouth.
999
00:51:48,189 --> 00:51:49,565
Still in the fight game?
1000
00:51:49,816 --> 00:51:51,025
In a way.
1001
00:51:51,192 --> 00:51:53,027
I married Benjy's mother.
1002
00:51:55,071 --> 00:51:59,575
Benjamin darling, how wonderful
to have you to home.
1003
00:51:59,992 --> 00:52:01,869
I got to get back
to my meatloaf.
1004
00:52:02,036 --> 00:52:04,372
Mr. Swann, may I
present my mother.
1005
00:52:04,997 --> 00:52:07,208
Mrs. Belle MaeSteinberg Carroca
1006
00:52:07,375 --> 00:52:09,252
of Brooklyn, New York,
and Miami Beach, Florida
1007
00:52:09,418 --> 00:52:11,254
for two weeks
each and every winter.
1008
00:52:11,420 --> 00:52:14,257
Benjamin, why didn't you tell me
your mother was so lovely?
1009
00:52:14,423 --> 00:52:17,135
- Oh, for me?
- No, for me.
1010
00:52:18,886 --> 00:52:20,930
- Mr. Swann.
- Alan, please.
1011
00:52:21,097 --> 00:52:23,599
- And what may I call you?
- How about, "Yours?"
1012
00:52:23,766 --> 00:52:26,602
[chuckles]
Oh, Alan.
1013
00:52:26,769 --> 00:52:28,437
On behalf of everyone here,
1014
00:52:28,604 --> 00:52:30,022
I would like to welcome you
1015
00:52:30,189 --> 00:52:32,525
to our humble chapeau.
1016
00:52:33,693 --> 00:52:36,529
Two years at the Sorbonne,
she still gets it wrong.
1017
00:52:36,696 --> 00:52:37,989
- Al..
- Ma.
1018
00:52:38,197 --> 00:52:40,408
- What?
- It's not "Al."
1019
00:52:40,741 --> 00:52:43,619
If I bring Capone or Jolson,
then it's "Al."
1020
00:52:43,995 --> 00:52:45,288
Jolson's coming?
1021
00:52:45,913 --> 00:52:49,000
Alan, I want you
to feel perfectly free
1022
00:52:49,167 --> 00:52:51,002
to do whatever
you would normally do
1023
00:52:51,169 --> 00:52:52,879
in your own apartment.
1024
00:52:53,421 --> 00:52:55,840
Uh, something to drink
before dinner?
1025
00:52:56,007 --> 00:52:57,758
Um, some soda water?
1026
00:52:58,134 --> 00:53:01,095
Rookie, a glass of Seltzer!
1027
00:53:01,262 --> 00:53:03,639
- [Rookie] Pic k it up!
- Excuse me.
1028
00:53:06,601 --> 00:53:07,894
Sorry.
1029
00:53:11,230 --> 00:53:13,399
Excuse me, Mr. Swann.
1030
00:53:13,858 --> 00:53:16,569
I hate to impose, but I wonderif you would mind signing--
1031
00:53:16,736 --> 00:53:17,904
An autograph?
1032
00:53:18,029 --> 00:53:18,988
Certainly.
1033
00:53:29,916 --> 00:53:33,544
If you don't mind, make it
to Sadie and Morty Kronsky.
1034
00:53:33,961 --> 00:53:35,296
That's with a "K."
1035
00:53:35,463 --> 00:53:37,381
The rest is the way
it's usually spelled.
1036
00:53:39,217 --> 00:53:40,426
[doorbell buzzing]
1037
00:53:40,593 --> 00:53:41,969
That's probably Aunt Sadie.
1038
00:53:42,220 --> 00:53:44,222
Why don't you go open
the door for your wife?
1039
00:53:46,432 --> 00:53:47,642
Thank you, Mr. Swann.
1040
00:53:47,808 --> 00:53:49,560
[buzzing continues]
1041
00:53:50,811 --> 00:53:51,938
- Alan.
- Thank you.
1042
00:53:52,104 --> 00:53:54,232
Your Seltzer. A little liver?
1043
00:53:54,398 --> 00:53:56,150
Oh, oh, uh, no, thank you.
1044
00:54:01,364 --> 00:54:04,742
Oh, Sadie, you look beautiful.
1045
00:54:05,117 --> 00:54:06,494
What a lovely dress!
1046
00:54:06,953 --> 00:54:07,870
You like it?
1047
00:54:08,037 --> 00:54:09,705
I only wore it once.
1048
00:54:09,872 --> 00:54:11,082
[Rookie]
Come and get it!
1049
00:54:11,249 --> 00:54:13,459
Dinner is served.
1050
00:54:17,838 --> 00:54:20,925
Rookie, your Meatloaf Mindanao
was superb.
1051
00:54:21,092 --> 00:54:22,510
[clears throat]
Thanks.
1052
00:54:22,677 --> 00:54:24,971
That takes two days
to prepare, you know?
1053
00:54:25,137 --> 00:54:28,849
Really? Tell me, what was that
rather pungent taste?
1054
00:54:29,183 --> 00:54:31,686
- Parrot.
- Oh!
1055
00:54:31,852 --> 00:54:34,105
[Rookie]
And they're noteasy to work with.
1056
00:54:34,272 --> 00:54:36,148
They put up some squawk.
1057
00:54:37,024 --> 00:54:38,651
I can imagine.
1058
00:54:39,193 --> 00:54:42,280
Um, what was that dish?
1059
00:54:42,571 --> 00:54:44,115
Filipino pork and beans.
1060
00:54:44,282 --> 00:54:45,533
Where was the pork?
1061
00:54:45,783 --> 00:54:48,202
You can't! There's Jews here.
1062
00:54:48,619 --> 00:54:51,289
So, I guess if you want
to be technical--
1063
00:54:51,455 --> 00:54:53,582
What's the difference?
1064
00:54:53,958 --> 00:54:55,584
So, Mr. Swann..
1065
00:54:55,751 --> 00:54:57,503
...now that we sat nice,
1066
00:54:57,670 --> 00:54:59,380
broke bread together,
1067
00:54:59,547 --> 00:55:01,299
shared a glass of wine,
1068
00:55:01,674 --> 00:55:03,968
I feel I know you a little.
1069
00:55:04,135 --> 00:55:06,554
Morty, I feel
I know you even better.
1070
00:55:07,013 --> 00:55:08,431
Good.
1071
00:55:09,015 --> 00:55:11,434
Then you won't mind
if I ask you a question.
1072
00:55:11,559 --> 00:55:13,728
- Uncle Morty!
- What are you worried?
1073
00:55:13,894 --> 00:55:14,979
It's not personal.
1074
00:55:15,146 --> 00:55:17,231
What was I,
born in Minsk or Pinsk?
1075
00:55:17,398 --> 00:55:18,858
I know my way around.
1076
00:55:19,150 --> 00:55:20,776
Morty, ask your question.
1077
00:55:21,360 --> 00:55:23,863
That paternity rap
a couple of years ago..
1078
00:55:24,030 --> 00:55:25,990
- Did you schtup her?
- Morty!
1079
00:55:26,157 --> 00:55:28,075
Did you go all the way? What!
1080
00:55:28,159 --> 00:55:30,244
- Uncle Morty!
- What!
1081
00:55:30,411 --> 00:55:31,871
What!
1082
00:55:32,038 --> 00:55:33,622
- What! What do you want?
- [Swann]
It's all right. It's all right.
1083
00:55:33,789 --> 00:55:35,583
It's all right.
1084
00:55:35,750 --> 00:55:38,127
Morty, I hope this doesn't
1085
00:55:38,294 --> 00:55:41,005
lessen your opinion of me,
but the answer is "No."
1086
00:55:42,965 --> 00:55:44,175
You see..
1087
00:55:45,092 --> 00:55:47,303
...people like me,
we're targets.
1088
00:55:48,054 --> 00:55:49,221
I'm blamed for a lot of things
1089
00:55:49,388 --> 00:55:50,973
I had absolutely nothing
to do with.
1090
00:55:51,140 --> 00:55:54,602
On the other hand,
because of who I am,
1091
00:55:54,769 --> 00:55:56,562
I get away with murder
in other areas.
1092
00:55:56,771 --> 00:55:59,857
I suppose it all balances out
in the end.
1093
00:56:00,066 --> 00:56:01,484
Does it really, Swannee?
1094
00:56:01,734 --> 00:56:04,236
Ma, he's an actor, not a river.
1095
00:56:06,238 --> 00:56:07,531
Swannee..
1096
00:56:09,408 --> 00:56:11,118
...can I talk frank to you?
1097
00:56:11,410 --> 00:56:13,287
- [Swann] Certainly, Belle.
- Uh-oh.
1098
00:56:16,415 --> 00:56:18,417
Take a good look here.
1099
00:56:18,584 --> 00:56:20,628
This. This.
1100
00:56:20,795 --> 00:56:22,963
This is good.
1101
00:56:23,130 --> 00:56:25,883
Sitting around
with people you love.
1102
00:56:26,050 --> 00:56:28,469
Some you just like,
others maybe you could
1103
00:56:28,636 --> 00:56:30,096
live without, excuse me.
1104
00:56:30,262 --> 00:56:31,222
[Belle chuckles]
1105
00:56:31,389 --> 00:56:33,182
Sharing stories.
1106
00:56:33,349 --> 00:56:34,975
Sharing warmth.
1107
00:56:36,644 --> 00:56:38,854
This is real life, Alan.
1108
00:56:39,021 --> 00:56:40,940
And this is what you need.
1109
00:56:41,357 --> 00:56:42,858
A home.
1110
00:56:43,025 --> 00:56:44,568
And a family.
1111
00:56:45,528 --> 00:56:47,947
And children, huh?
1112
00:56:48,656 --> 00:56:49,615
Hey, who knows?
1113
00:56:49,782 --> 00:56:51,575
[chuckles]
1114
00:56:51,784 --> 00:56:52,743
Unfortunately, Belle,
1115
00:56:52,910 --> 00:56:53,661
that part of my life
1116
00:56:53,828 --> 00:56:54,995
hasn't worked out too well.
1117
00:56:55,955 --> 00:56:58,666
Though I did produce a perfectly
glorious little child.
1118
00:57:00,292 --> 00:57:01,877
Her name is Tess.
1119
00:57:02,044 --> 00:57:07,133
Ah, see? You're a daddy,
and this I didn't even know.
1120
00:57:07,675 --> 00:57:09,051
So, where is she?
1121
00:57:09,218 --> 00:57:11,554
She lives with her mother
in Connecticut.
1122
00:57:12,054 --> 00:57:14,014
I haven't seen her
in over a year.
1123
00:57:14,181 --> 00:57:15,558
A year?
1124
00:57:17,184 --> 00:57:18,936
Shame on you, Swannee.
1125
00:57:19,603 --> 00:57:21,480
Yes, you're right, Belle.
1126
00:57:24,066 --> 00:57:26,193
Shame on me, indeed.
1127
00:57:32,408 --> 00:57:33,742
Well, time to go.
1128
00:57:33,951 --> 00:57:35,369
What a divine evening.
1129
00:57:35,536 --> 00:57:37,538
We must do this again real soon.
1130
00:57:37,705 --> 00:57:39,582
Say, at the turn
of the century?
1131
00:57:42,585 --> 00:57:44,545
Rookie, Sadie, Morty.
1132
00:57:44,712 --> 00:57:46,922
- Goodbye, Mr. Swann.
- Belle.
1133
00:57:48,299 --> 00:57:49,675
Oh, Alan.
1134
00:57:52,011 --> 00:57:53,429
[crowd cheering]
1135
00:57:59,727 --> 00:58:02,271
Mr. and Mrs. Kessler,
apartment 4B.
1136
00:58:02,438 --> 00:58:03,814
God bless you, Mr. Swann.
1137
00:58:03,981 --> 00:58:06,609
Mr. and Mrs. Berkowitz,
apartment 2A. We love you.
1138
00:58:06,734 --> 00:58:09,028
Nathan and Lily Cantor.
Second floor front.
1139
00:58:09,195 --> 00:58:10,696
Pleasure to have you
in the building.
1140
00:58:10,863 --> 00:58:13,532
Scalfoni, 1R.
You're the best!
1141
00:58:13,699 --> 00:58:14,700
How did you get
into the building?
1142
00:58:14,867 --> 00:58:16,619
I'm the super.
1143
00:58:16,744 --> 00:58:18,245
- Goodbye, sir.
- Goodbye.
1144
00:58:18,329 --> 00:58:19,705
- Goodbye!
- Goodbye.
1145
00:58:19,872 --> 00:58:22,583
[upbeat music]
1146
00:58:51,195 --> 00:58:53,989
Dr. Bumbacelli, my medication.
1147
00:58:54,365 --> 00:58:55,908
Your medication.
1148
00:59:01,455 --> 00:59:05,709
Oh, uh, uh, Mr. Swann,
uh, big day tomorrow.
1149
00:59:06,085 --> 00:59:07,169
Show day.
1150
00:59:07,711 --> 00:59:10,422
Uh, and, you know, uh,
I'm-I'm supposed to watch you.
1151
00:59:10,589 --> 00:59:12,007
Good, watch this.
1152
00:59:14,134 --> 00:59:15,511
Want to see it again?
1153
00:59:19,431 --> 00:59:23,060
Stone, you can either
watch me or join me.
1154
00:59:23,227 --> 00:59:24,645
One of them is more fun.
1155
00:59:24,937 --> 00:59:26,313
You were a hit in Brooklyn.
1156
00:59:26,480 --> 00:59:27,773
Want to try the Bronx next?
1157
00:59:27,940 --> 00:59:31,360
No. 1030, Park Avenue.
The Downings'.
1158
00:59:31,527 --> 00:59:34,488
Uh, no, please, no.
Uh, let's not go there.
1159
00:59:34,780 --> 00:59:36,240
- Why are we going there?
- Why?
1160
00:59:36,407 --> 00:59:38,117
To re-weave the fabric
of your relationship
1161
00:59:38,284 --> 00:59:39,827
with the fair K.C.,
that's why.
1162
00:59:39,994 --> 00:59:41,787
This surprise visit
should do it.
1163
00:59:42,079 --> 00:59:44,331
[Benjy]
No, I-I don't think so,Mr. Swann.
1164
00:59:44,498 --> 00:59:46,584
K.C. Downing's parentsare having a big party.
1165
00:59:46,709 --> 00:59:49,044
Besides, they're not gonnalet us up in that building.
1166
00:59:49,211 --> 00:59:50,337
[Swann]
Excellent.
1167
00:59:50,671 --> 00:59:52,089
Ever done any mountaineering?
1168
00:59:52,256 --> 00:59:53,507
[Benjy]
Huh?
1169
01:00:00,431 --> 01:00:03,017
Now, all we have to do
is to get from here..
1170
01:00:04,393 --> 01:00:05,352
...to there.
1171
01:00:07,521 --> 01:00:08,814
[Benjy]
It won't work.
1172
01:00:09,231 --> 01:00:10,649
It worked perfectly well
1173
01:00:10,816 --> 01:00:12,693
in A Slight Case Of Divorce.
1174
01:00:12,860 --> 01:00:14,153
That was a movie.
1175
01:00:14,445 --> 01:00:16,697
This is real life!
1176
01:00:20,367 --> 01:00:22,286
What is the difference?
1177
01:00:23,746 --> 01:00:25,664
Oh, no!
1178
01:00:26,332 --> 01:00:27,791
Mm!
1179
01:00:30,419 --> 01:00:31,253
It's stuck.
1180
01:00:34,173 --> 01:00:35,549
[Benjy grunting]
1181
01:00:35,716 --> 01:00:40,137
What we need
is something like a rope.
1182
01:00:47,144 --> 01:00:49,855
- Let's not do this.
- Oh, Stone!
1183
01:00:50,022 --> 01:00:51,940
I've done it a hundred times.
1184
01:00:54,068 --> 01:00:55,277
Gah!
1185
01:00:55,611 --> 01:00:56,528
Whoa!
1186
01:00:57,154 --> 01:00:58,489
What was that, a stunt?
1187
01:00:58,697 --> 01:01:00,658
[Benjy grunting]
1188
01:01:12,503 --> 01:01:13,462
Perfect!
1189
01:01:17,299 --> 01:01:18,884
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
1190
01:01:19,051 --> 01:01:20,886
Wait a minute, wait a minute,
wait, wait, wait, wait.
1191
01:01:21,053 --> 01:01:23,555
Let's just go back
the way we came
1192
01:01:23,764 --> 01:01:25,724
and go through her front door.
1193
01:01:25,891 --> 01:01:27,768
Dull! Boring!
1194
01:01:27,935 --> 01:01:29,520
Old hat.
1195
01:01:30,604 --> 01:01:31,939
Stone, the cardinal rule.
1196
01:01:32,147 --> 01:01:34,483
They always love a big entrance.
1197
01:01:34,650 --> 01:01:36,068
I assure you.
1198
01:01:41,448 --> 01:01:42,241
Oh!
1199
01:01:43,534 --> 01:01:45,452
Does anybody die
in these movies?
1200
01:01:45,619 --> 01:01:46,704
Die?
1201
01:01:48,122 --> 01:01:49,331
Of course not.
1202
01:01:49,832 --> 01:01:52,084
It's just fun.
1203
01:01:52,251 --> 01:01:53,836
- Fun?
- Fun!
1204
01:01:54,002 --> 01:01:57,172
[chuckles]
He thinks this is fun!
1205
01:01:57,506 --> 01:01:58,757
[sobbing]
1206
01:02:01,927 --> 01:02:03,929
[Swann]
I'm going down now.
1207
01:02:04,304 --> 01:02:05,556
[gasps]
1208
01:02:05,723 --> 01:02:08,183
When I arrive, I shall
hold the rope taut
1209
01:02:08,350 --> 01:02:09,601
and you can just shimmy down.
1210
01:02:09,977 --> 01:02:12,688
I'm not shimmying down anything.
1211
01:02:12,855 --> 01:02:15,232
It's too dangerous!
1212
01:02:15,441 --> 01:02:19,319
Nonsense! Not when you've been
instructed by Niblik.
1213
01:02:22,990 --> 01:02:24,825
Who the hell is Niblik?
1214
01:02:24,992 --> 01:02:28,537
Niblik is my Sherpa guide
from the Himalayas.
1215
01:02:28,662 --> 01:02:30,038
The Himalayas?
1216
01:02:30,205 --> 01:02:32,166
The Himalayas!
1217
01:02:32,332 --> 01:02:33,584
Look, there's the door.
1218
01:02:33,792 --> 01:02:36,128
Come on, let's go give it a try.
1219
01:02:38,505 --> 01:02:40,632
Ah! It's open!
1220
01:02:40,799 --> 01:02:42,593
[screaming]
1221
01:02:43,844 --> 01:02:45,053
[Swann]
Whoo!
1222
01:02:45,220 --> 01:02:46,472
[Swann laughing]
1223
01:02:46,638 --> 01:02:47,931
[screaming]
1224
01:02:51,143 --> 01:02:53,645
Ah! Oh-ho! I killed him!
1225
01:02:53,854 --> 01:02:57,065
I'm supposed to take care of him
and I killed him!
1226
01:02:57,274 --> 01:02:58,192
Oh!
1227
01:02:58,358 --> 01:02:59,651
Oh, God!
1228
01:02:59,818 --> 01:03:01,111
[grunting]
1229
01:03:04,698 --> 01:03:06,283
[stockbroker #1]
The bond issue is a fraud.
1230
01:03:06,450 --> 01:03:09,369
The company went bankrupt.
They looked solid.
1231
01:03:09,536 --> 01:03:10,954
- But they went belly-up.
- [stockbroker #2]
Uh, excuse me.
1232
01:03:11,121 --> 01:03:12,706
Have you seen that film, uh..
1233
01:03:13,373 --> 01:03:15,375
- Defender Of The Crown.
- Just like that!
1234
01:03:15,542 --> 01:03:16,502
The film!
Defender Of The Crown.
1235
01:03:16,668 --> 01:03:17,377
Have you seen it?
1236
01:03:17,544 --> 01:03:19,505
Starring, uh,what's that guy's name?
1237
01:03:19,671 --> 01:03:20,964
Uh.. Alan, uh..
1238
01:03:23,383 --> 01:03:25,260
- Alan, uh..
- [stockbroker #1]
Swann!
1239
01:03:25,427 --> 01:03:26,887
- [stockbroker #2]
Yeah, Alan Swann.
- [stockbroker #1] Alan Swann.
1240
01:03:27,054 --> 01:03:30,015
Bill, I think Alan Swann's
beneath us.
1241
01:03:30,307 --> 01:03:32,017
[Bill]
Of course, he's beneath us,he's an actor.
1242
01:03:32,184 --> 01:03:34,728
No, I mean, I think Alan Swann's
beneath us right now!
1243
01:03:34,895 --> 01:03:35,562
Look!
1244
01:03:37,314 --> 01:03:39,107
Harry, get the hell out here!
1245
01:03:39,399 --> 01:03:41,068
Alan Swann is hangin' from..
1246
01:03:41,235 --> 01:03:42,694
...something from the roof!
1247
01:03:42,861 --> 01:03:44,071
- Pull!
- Pull him up.
1248
01:03:44,238 --> 01:03:45,405
- Pull!
- That's it!
1249
01:03:45,614 --> 01:03:47,616
- Pull!
- Pull him up!
1250
01:03:47,783 --> 01:03:49,243
[grunting]
1251
01:03:49,409 --> 01:03:50,953
Good evening,
do you have a light?
1252
01:03:51,328 --> 01:03:52,496
[Benjy]
Help me! Help me!
1253
01:03:52,663 --> 01:03:54,164
[panting]
1254
01:03:54,331 --> 01:03:55,582
Terrace?
1255
01:03:55,749 --> 01:03:56,834
Uh!
1256
01:03:58,043 --> 01:03:59,127
Oh!
1257
01:03:59,670 --> 01:04:00,754
[panting]
1258
01:04:00,921 --> 01:04:01,797
Well done!
1259
01:04:02,172 --> 01:04:03,048
We have just dropped in
1260
01:04:03,215 --> 01:04:04,466
to see the Downings.
1261
01:04:04,842 --> 01:04:06,593
There are no Downings here.
1262
01:04:06,760 --> 01:04:08,637
- No Downings here?
- No.
1263
01:04:12,558 --> 01:04:15,519
The Downings
are downstairs on 14.
1264
01:04:16,728 --> 01:04:19,273
Close, Stone. Very close.
1265
01:04:19,439 --> 01:04:25,571
[panting]
Mr. Swann...I think
I'm going to be unwell.
1266
01:04:25,904 --> 01:04:29,032
Stone, ladies are unwell,
gentlemen vomit.
1267
01:04:29,199 --> 01:04:30,450
- Mm-hmm.
- [woman] Oh!
1268
01:04:34,413 --> 01:04:37,165
Alfredo, you needn't wait,
we shan't need the car anymore.
1269
01:04:37,374 --> 01:04:39,751
We're going to throw up
in the park, and then walk home.
1270
01:04:39,918 --> 01:04:41,169
[groaning]
1271
01:04:45,966 --> 01:04:47,175
[grunting]
1272
01:04:55,350 --> 01:04:56,393
[vomiting]
1273
01:05:09,364 --> 01:05:11,366
[Benjy]
Mr. Swann,
may I tell you something?
1274
01:05:11,533 --> 01:05:12,993
[Swann]
Mm-hmm.
1275
01:05:13,160 --> 01:05:14,494
[Benjy]
Benjy Stone is not
1276
01:05:14,661 --> 01:05:16,538
who he seems to be.
1277
01:05:17,039 --> 01:05:18,957
[Swann]
Who is, Stone, who is?
1278
01:05:19,124 --> 01:05:21,251
[Benjy]
But I'm not even Benjy Stone.
1279
01:05:21,418 --> 01:05:23,921
I'm Benjamin Steinberg.
1280
01:05:24,421 --> 01:05:25,797
I changed my name
'cause I thought it wouldn't
1281
01:05:25,964 --> 01:05:27,507
look good on the screen.
1282
01:05:28,175 --> 01:05:31,136
- I'm a phony.
- Because you changed your name?
1283
01:05:31,303 --> 01:05:32,679
[Swann]
What's in a name?
1284
01:05:33,221 --> 01:05:34,848
A rose by any other name
1285
01:05:35,015 --> 01:05:36,808
would wither and die.
1286
01:05:37,851 --> 01:05:39,519
I'll give you a name.
1287
01:05:39,937 --> 01:05:41,313
Clarence Duffy.
1288
01:05:41,480 --> 01:05:42,814
Clarence Duffy?
1289
01:05:43,565 --> 01:05:45,067
Who's Clarence Duffy?
1290
01:05:45,233 --> 01:05:47,527
He's a young man
from the West of Scotland.
1291
01:05:47,694 --> 01:05:49,488
Middle class, Irish descent
1292
01:05:49,655 --> 01:05:52,074
whose father was
a grammar school teacher.
1293
01:05:52,199 --> 01:05:54,743
His mother looked after
her garden, her husband
1294
01:05:54,910 --> 01:05:56,745
and their only son.
1295
01:05:57,079 --> 01:05:59,414
At the age of 18,
he joined the navy.
1296
01:05:59,581 --> 01:06:02,459
One year later,
he jumps ship at Liverpool.
1297
01:06:02,834 --> 01:06:05,087
Has notions
of becoming an actor.
1298
01:06:05,420 --> 01:06:07,923
Finishes up
in English "B" movies.
1299
01:06:08,256 --> 01:06:11,385
Six months later, Lou Goldmark
of Paramount Studios
1300
01:06:11,551 --> 01:06:14,972
announces his find,
a dashing new English actor
1301
01:06:15,138 --> 01:06:17,808
to star in Paramount's
next big adventure film..
1302
01:06:17,975 --> 01:06:19,434
Swords Of Glory.
1303
01:06:20,686 --> 01:06:23,271
- Clarence Duffy?
- [Swann] One and the same.
1304
01:06:23,814 --> 01:06:25,190
[Benjy]
Then you're not Alan Swann.
1305
01:06:25,357 --> 01:06:27,025
Oh, yes, I am.
1306
01:06:30,529 --> 01:06:32,864
You're the only living soul
who knows it.
1307
01:06:34,783 --> 01:06:36,702
It dies with me, Clarence.
1308
01:06:41,164 --> 01:06:44,126
At least you're an actor, actors
are supposed to make up names.
1309
01:06:44,292 --> 01:06:47,129
It's not just making up
a name, Stoneberg.
1310
01:06:47,254 --> 01:06:49,256
The studio made up
an entire life for me
1311
01:06:49,423 --> 01:06:51,299
and I let them do it,
and now I can't tell
1312
01:06:51,466 --> 01:06:53,885
where the bogus one ends,
and the real one begins.
1313
01:06:54,094 --> 01:06:56,680
Nothing about me
is what it seems to be.
1314
01:06:56,847 --> 01:06:59,641
Even the reason I'm doing
your Comedy Cavalcade program
1315
01:06:59,808 --> 01:07:01,268
is not because I wanted to.
1316
01:07:01,435 --> 01:07:03,228
It's a deal I made
with my new partner,
1317
01:07:03,395 --> 01:07:05,480
the Internal Revenue Service.
1318
01:07:05,647 --> 01:07:07,733
If I do the show, and give them
half the proceeds,
1319
01:07:07,899 --> 01:07:10,444
they promise not to throw me
out of the country.
1320
01:07:10,902 --> 01:07:12,904
That dies with me, too, Duff.
1321
01:07:13,071 --> 01:07:15,073
Tonight, your mother said,
"Shame on you."
1322
01:07:15,240 --> 01:07:16,783
And she was right.
1323
01:07:16,950 --> 01:07:19,453
I'm fed up with people letting
me get away with things
1324
01:07:19,619 --> 01:07:20,954
and everybody does.
1325
01:07:21,121 --> 01:07:23,248
My friends, my agent,
my manager, my doctors
1326
01:07:23,415 --> 01:07:25,125
my former wives,
even my daughter.
1327
01:07:25,292 --> 01:07:26,626
[horse neighs]
1328
01:07:28,628 --> 01:07:30,505
Haven't we walked enough
for one night?
1329
01:07:32,924 --> 01:07:34,259
- No, no.
- The horse, Stoneberg!
1330
01:07:34,426 --> 01:07:36,803
No, no, no, no. No. No.
1331
01:07:40,307 --> 01:07:41,683
[neighing]
1332
01:07:41,850 --> 01:07:43,602
You'll get 30 years for this.
1333
01:07:46,396 --> 01:07:47,773
Whoa!
1334
01:07:57,699 --> 01:07:59,326
Hey! Hey!
1335
01:08:03,288 --> 01:08:04,956
[instrumental music]
1336
01:08:32,818 --> 01:08:34,194
[neighing]
1337
01:08:47,499 --> 01:08:48,458
No!
1338
01:08:57,592 --> 01:08:58,927
Oh.
1339
01:09:21,199 --> 01:09:22,993
[water running]
1340
01:09:42,387 --> 01:09:43,388
[gasps]
1341
01:09:45,056 --> 01:09:46,433
[breathing heavily]
1342
01:09:46,600 --> 01:09:47,601
"Tess."
1343
01:09:47,767 --> 01:09:48,852
Who's Tess?
1344
01:09:50,270 --> 01:09:52,105
Tess is his daughter.
1345
01:09:52,272 --> 01:09:54,858
Tess is his daughter
in Connecticut.
1346
01:09:55,025 --> 01:09:56,860
He went to Connecticut
on the day of the show.
1347
01:09:57,027 --> 01:09:59,321
That bastard
went to Connecticut!
1348
01:09:59,487 --> 01:10:01,823
He's in another goddamn state!
1349
01:10:02,324 --> 01:10:03,992
I got to go down to the show
and tell Leo.
1350
01:10:04,159 --> 01:10:05,368
So he can fire me.
1351
01:10:05,535 --> 01:10:06,578
I'm a dead man.
1352
01:10:10,707 --> 01:10:13,627
I can't go like this.
I have to get dressed.
1353
01:10:15,712 --> 01:10:17,505
[instrumental music]
1354
01:10:23,220 --> 01:10:25,138
[woman]
Don't forget your sweater.
1355
01:11:11,059 --> 01:11:12,394
Take me back.
1356
01:11:32,747 --> 01:11:36,584
Great! Air day,
and our guest star is no-show.
1357
01:11:36,751 --> 01:11:39,796
Hey, Leo. He's on the cover
of TV Guide this week.
1358
01:11:40,297 --> 01:11:41,631
[Stan]
Leo!
1359
01:11:43,758 --> 01:11:44,718
Leo!
1360
01:11:46,553 --> 01:11:47,721
[door shuts]
1361
01:11:48,179 --> 01:11:49,472
Why is this sketch in here?
1362
01:11:49,639 --> 01:11:51,558
We did this sketch last week,
but it's right in here.
1363
01:11:51,725 --> 01:11:53,268
Right in my script.
Now, why, Leo?
1364
01:11:53,435 --> 01:11:54,728
Why? Why is it in my script?
1365
01:11:54,894 --> 01:11:57,063
That is last week's script.
1366
01:11:59,524 --> 01:12:01,985
Oh. That's why it's in here.
1367
01:12:02,152 --> 01:12:04,738
And now you'll find
this week's script
1368
01:12:04,904 --> 01:12:06,448
in your dressing room, Stan.
1369
01:12:06,614 --> 01:12:08,825
- That's good. That's good, Leo.
- Okay.
1370
01:12:11,202 --> 01:12:13,747
They're not serving tongue
at lunch today, are they, Leo?
1371
01:12:14,122 --> 01:12:15,332
No tongue on show day.
1372
01:12:15,707 --> 01:12:17,208
Twice they served tongue
on show day,
1373
01:12:17,375 --> 01:12:19,169
twice the opening sketch died.
1374
01:12:19,377 --> 01:12:21,588
No tongue, get it? No tongue!
1375
01:12:22,339 --> 01:12:23,423
Tongue..
1376
01:12:24,299 --> 01:12:25,508
Death.
1377
01:12:30,055 --> 01:12:31,431
[vehicle honking]
1378
01:12:35,101 --> 01:12:38,229
[Leo]
Benjy, you weresupposed to be watching Swann.
1379
01:12:38,396 --> 01:12:39,481
[Benjy]
I was.
1380
01:12:39,647 --> 01:12:41,483
I even stayed
in his suite last night.
1381
01:12:41,649 --> 01:12:43,318
But when I woke up today,
he was gone.
1382
01:12:43,943 --> 01:12:45,612
He said he was goingto see Tess.
1383
01:12:45,987 --> 01:12:48,031
Irish dame. Figures.
They love their booze.
1384
01:12:48,198 --> 01:12:49,366
- [Alfie] She's 12.
- Fine.
1385
01:12:49,532 --> 01:12:51,159
Now, we can throw in
statutory rape.
1386
01:12:51,868 --> 01:12:52,994
Tess happens to be his daughter.
1387
01:12:53,161 --> 01:12:54,871
Alfie, where is he?
1388
01:12:55,038 --> 01:12:56,081
He's in his dressing room.
1389
01:12:56,247 --> 01:12:58,041
- [Sy] Drunk!
- He's takin' a nap.
1390
01:12:58,208 --> 01:12:59,751
I'm gonna see what kind
of a nap he's taking.
1391
01:12:59,918 --> 01:13:01,961
- I don't think so.
- Yeah, better let him rest.
1392
01:13:02,128 --> 01:13:04,214
[Leo]
He's got to be readyfor a run-through in an hour.
1393
01:13:04,547 --> 01:13:06,424
- Can he make it?
- He'll make it.
1394
01:13:09,260 --> 01:13:10,845
Look, I know
it's none of my business
1395
01:13:11,012 --> 01:13:12,889
but could you tell them
to go easy on him?
1396
01:13:13,056 --> 01:13:14,474
I mean, it ain't
been his best day.
1397
01:13:16,393 --> 01:13:17,352
Okay.
1398
01:13:19,479 --> 01:13:21,356
- Is he okay?
- He's all right.
1399
01:13:21,689 --> 01:13:22,649
You should have seen her.
1400
01:13:22,857 --> 01:13:24,901
Twelve, and already
a heartbreaker.
1401
01:13:25,068 --> 01:13:26,236
What did he say to her?
1402
01:13:26,403 --> 01:13:27,695
Never got out of the car.
1403
01:13:27,862 --> 01:13:30,949
And don't say another word
for 86.4 miles.
1404
01:13:31,366 --> 01:13:32,450
I clocked him.
1405
01:13:32,951 --> 01:13:34,119
I didn't look in
the rearview, neither.
1406
01:13:34,285 --> 01:13:35,453
I give him his privacy.
1407
01:13:39,457 --> 01:13:40,667
[indistinct chatter]
1408
01:13:40,834 --> 01:13:42,043
[fingers snapping]
1409
01:13:42,210 --> 01:13:43,545
[stage manager]
Lights.
1410
01:13:43,711 --> 01:13:45,588
[instrumental music]
1411
01:13:48,550 --> 01:13:50,969
All right, we open on a tight
to King and Cubby.
1412
01:13:51,177 --> 01:13:52,470
- All right.
- And then we widen out.
1413
01:13:52,595 --> 01:13:54,222
[stage manager]
We're set to open the house.
1414
01:13:54,389 --> 01:13:57,434
Fifteen minutes, everyone.
Fifteen minutes.
1415
01:14:04,482 --> 01:14:05,733
How you doin', Alan?
1416
01:14:05,900 --> 01:14:07,569
Look, I don't want you
to worry about a thing.
1417
01:14:07,944 --> 01:14:09,195
Bad rehearsal, good show.
1418
01:14:09,362 --> 01:14:11,114
We got a great cast,
we got a great crew
1419
01:14:11,281 --> 01:14:12,323
and it always works.
1420
01:14:12,490 --> 01:14:14,200
Just remember,
we're gonna have fun, right?
1421
01:14:14,367 --> 01:14:17,078
And you! You look great.
1422
01:14:18,371 --> 01:14:20,790
- What's he wearing this for?
- The, uh, musketeer sketch.
1423
01:14:22,250 --> 01:14:24,961
- Are you in the right outfit?
- I am.
1424
01:14:25,712 --> 01:14:26,838
Then what am I doing in this?
1425
01:14:27,005 --> 01:14:28,882
Uh, I don't know.
1426
01:14:30,258 --> 01:14:31,885
Wait, which sketch is first?
1427
01:14:32,051 --> 01:14:34,929
The first sketch that I'm in
is the musketeer sketch.
1428
01:14:36,514 --> 01:14:38,016
I'm in that, too.
1429
01:14:39,976 --> 01:14:41,019
Okay.
1430
01:14:41,811 --> 01:14:43,396
I'm in the wrong outfit.
1431
01:14:44,063 --> 01:14:45,607
And look how I find out.
1432
01:14:46,191 --> 01:14:48,610
I got to find out from,
uh, from this guy.
1433
01:14:51,237 --> 01:14:53,823
Who are the geniuses
who are supposed to tell me
1434
01:14:53,990 --> 01:14:55,950
which sketch comes
first on my show
1435
01:14:56,117 --> 01:14:57,827
and which outfit
I'm supposed to be in, huh?
1436
01:14:57,994 --> 01:14:59,120
Where are they?
1437
01:14:59,287 --> 01:15:01,623
Somebody tell mewhich sketch comes first!
1438
01:15:02,165 --> 01:15:04,501
Wardrobe! Wardrobe!
1439
01:15:04,918 --> 01:15:06,836
- Leo, Leo!
- Listen to this.
1440
01:15:07,003 --> 01:15:09,047
He thinks he's in
the wrong costume.
1441
01:15:09,214 --> 01:15:12,467
Every week, same thing.
He's so crazy.
1442
01:15:23,561 --> 01:15:26,064
Oh, God, somebody
help me with my costume!
1443
01:15:26,481 --> 01:15:27,565
- Take it off!
- No!
1444
01:15:27,690 --> 01:15:28,900
- Come on.
- No! Leave me alone!
1445
01:15:29,067 --> 01:15:30,360
- The Hijack sketch--
- What? What?
1446
01:15:30,527 --> 01:15:32,946
- The Hijack sketch comes first.
- Which one?
1447
01:15:33,112 --> 01:15:34,989
The Hijack sketch.
1448
01:15:36,783 --> 01:15:38,409
It comes first.
1449
01:15:39,661 --> 01:15:41,162
I knew it.
1450
01:15:41,371 --> 01:15:42,705
- I knew it, Leo.
- Yeah.
1451
01:15:42,914 --> 01:15:44,165
- Don't worry about
a thing, pal.
- All right, okay.
1452
01:15:44,332 --> 01:15:46,251
- I knew it.
- Yeah, yeah.
1453
01:15:46,417 --> 01:15:48,628
[woman singing]
1454
01:16:04,102 --> 01:16:05,478
Good.
1455
01:16:09,899 --> 01:16:11,150
Good.
1456
01:16:16,614 --> 01:16:18,366
California?
1457
01:16:18,533 --> 01:16:20,660
You can't write comedy
in California.
1458
01:16:20,827 --> 01:16:22,120
It's not depressing enough.
1459
01:16:22,537 --> 01:16:24,872
You look great.
How do you feel?
1460
01:16:25,039 --> 01:16:27,041
I feel surprisingly well, Stone.
Thank you.
1461
01:16:27,208 --> 01:16:29,294
So well that I am
going to make a prediction.
1462
01:16:29,586 --> 01:16:31,754
Now, usually it takes me two
or three takes just to warm up.
1463
01:16:31,921 --> 01:16:34,173
But tonight, I predict
we'll get it on the first take.
1464
01:16:34,340 --> 01:16:36,009
We always get it
on the first take.
1465
01:16:36,092 --> 01:16:37,719
- We have to.
- You do?
1466
01:16:37,885 --> 01:16:40,054
Sure, this is live television.
1467
01:16:40,680 --> 01:16:41,681
Live?
1468
01:16:44,517 --> 01:16:45,518
Live?
1469
01:16:47,020 --> 01:16:48,563
What does "Live" mean?
1470
01:16:48,730 --> 01:16:51,065
It means, at the exact moment
you are cavorting and leaping
1471
01:16:51,190 --> 01:16:52,650
around that stage over there,
1472
01:16:52,775 --> 01:16:54,694
twenty million people
are seeing it.
1473
01:16:56,195 --> 01:16:57,363
Wait a minute.
1474
01:16:58,531 --> 01:17:00,199
Wait a minute!
1475
01:17:00,366 --> 01:17:02,452
[Benjy]
Mr. Swann, you're white.
1476
01:17:02,619 --> 01:17:04,495
You mean it all goes
into the camera lens
1477
01:17:04,704 --> 01:17:07,498
and then just spills out
into people's houses?
1478
01:17:07,665 --> 01:17:08,666
[Benjy]
Yeah.
1479
01:17:08,833 --> 01:17:09,709
Why is it nobody
had the goodness to
1480
01:17:09,876 --> 01:17:10,918
explain this to me before?
1481
01:17:11,085 --> 01:17:12,712
It's nothing to worry about,
Mr. Swann.
1482
01:17:12,879 --> 01:17:14,464
Our audiences are great.
1483
01:17:14,631 --> 01:17:15,757
Audience?
What audience? Audience.
1484
01:17:15,923 --> 01:17:16,966
[Benjy]
You knew there was an audience.
1485
01:17:17,133 --> 01:17:18,593
What did you thinkthose seats were for?
1486
01:17:18,760 --> 01:17:21,346
I haven't performed in front of
an audience for 28 years.
1487
01:17:21,512 --> 01:17:22,847
[chuckles]
Audience?
1488
01:17:23,056 --> 01:17:24,182
Live work.
1489
01:17:25,141 --> 01:17:26,517
I played a butler.
1490
01:17:27,060 --> 01:17:28,728
I had one line!
1491
01:17:31,522 --> 01:17:32,857
- I forgot it.
- [Benjy] Look, don't worry.
1492
01:17:33,066 --> 01:17:34,275
This is gonna be easy.
1493
01:17:34,442 --> 01:17:35,777
For you, maybe, not for me.
1494
01:17:35,943 --> 01:17:38,404
I'm not an actor,
I'm a movie star!
1495
01:17:38,571 --> 01:17:40,323
[instrumental music]
1496
01:17:42,575 --> 01:17:45,370
Five minutes to air. Ready
for the "Boss Hijack" sketch.
1497
01:17:45,536 --> 01:17:48,164
- Oh, shut up!
- No, you can do it.
1498
01:17:48,873 --> 01:17:51,209
I need time to think.
1499
01:17:52,919 --> 01:17:56,130
I need time to think.
Oh, Holy Mother.
1500
01:17:56,297 --> 01:17:57,882
I need time to think!
1501
01:17:58,091 --> 01:18:01,177
- Is that "Think" or "Drink"?
- [Swann] Yes!
1502
01:18:01,928 --> 01:18:04,764
- [cigarette girl] Well.
- [woman] Oh, look at that.
1503
01:18:04,931 --> 01:18:06,140
[door slams]
1504
01:18:07,558 --> 01:18:09,060
He's got the jitters.
1505
01:18:09,227 --> 01:18:10,978
Ladies and gentlemen,
a scarce second ago
1506
01:18:11,145 --> 01:18:13,439
Alan Swann had a full-fledged
anxiety attack.
1507
01:18:13,606 --> 01:18:15,608
An inch away from
a complete nervous breakdown.
1508
01:18:15,775 --> 01:18:18,653
And this one has the nerve to
describe it as "The jitters."
1509
01:18:20,363 --> 01:18:22,615
- What are you doing?
- Drinking and leaving.
1510
01:18:24,617 --> 01:18:26,953
Uh, the musketeer sketch
is on after the Hijack sketch.
1511
01:18:27,120 --> 01:18:28,579
I'm not doing
the Muscatel sketch.
1512
01:18:28,746 --> 01:18:30,373
- The musketeer sketch.
- I'm not doing either.
1513
01:18:30,540 --> 01:18:31,582
- Ouch.
- Ow.
1514
01:18:31,749 --> 01:18:33,000
[elevator dings]
1515
01:18:45,346 --> 01:18:46,723
Wasn't that Alan Swann leaving?
1516
01:18:46,889 --> 01:18:50,518
Obviously he's still
in the throes of the jitters.
1517
01:18:51,060 --> 01:18:53,146
- Get out of my way, Sy.
- Not until you pay up.
1518
01:18:54,564 --> 01:18:56,566
- Benjy, what happened?
- [Benjy] Swann's gone.
1519
01:18:56,733 --> 01:18:57,942
Can't speak, talk later.
1520
01:18:58,151 --> 01:19:00,862
You little smart ass,
son of a bitch, bastard!
1521
01:19:01,028 --> 01:19:02,363
You're through here!
1522
01:19:02,530 --> 01:19:04,073
I'm telling King.
1523
01:19:04,240 --> 01:19:05,658
Sy!
1524
01:19:05,825 --> 01:19:07,243
[indistinct chatter]
1525
01:19:07,410 --> 01:19:08,703
Where's K.C.?
1526
01:19:11,038 --> 01:19:12,832
- Everything okay?
- Uh-huh.
1527
01:19:12,999 --> 01:19:13,916
Good.
1528
01:19:14,667 --> 01:19:16,043
Thank you, Harmonaires,
thank you.
1529
01:19:16,210 --> 01:19:17,962
This is places, people.
1530
01:19:18,838 --> 01:19:20,798
Come on, people,let's hurry up.
1531
01:19:20,965 --> 01:19:22,341
Dancers, opening dancers.
1532
01:19:22,508 --> 01:19:24,385
You should bein your starting places.
1533
01:19:24,552 --> 01:19:26,387
Hurry along. Thank you.
1534
01:19:26,596 --> 01:19:28,222
- Who are you?
- Huh?
1535
01:19:28,389 --> 01:19:31,225
Oh yeah, Phil somebody, right?
Yeah, I know you. Go ahead.
1536
01:19:31,392 --> 01:19:33,019
Doin' a good job, Phil.
1537
01:19:34,979 --> 01:19:37,565
- Oh.
- Sy, Sy, I'm sorry.
1538
01:19:38,483 --> 01:19:40,234
Help, help, help.
1539
01:19:40,401 --> 01:19:41,986
We need some help here.
1540
01:19:42,153 --> 01:19:44,822
Look, Sy, you shouldn't
sneak up on a guy like that.
1541
01:19:46,324 --> 01:19:47,867
I know you can't hear me, pal.
1542
01:19:47,950 --> 01:19:50,411
But when you wake up,
I'm gonna give you a nice raise.
1543
01:19:51,913 --> 01:19:54,582
Get him some first aid.
What a putz.
1544
01:19:56,542 --> 01:19:58,211
Terrible. Terrible.
1545
01:20:15,686 --> 01:20:17,063
Alfredo!
1546
01:20:17,814 --> 01:20:18,815
Alfredo.
1547
01:20:18,981 --> 01:20:20,149
Alfredo.
1548
01:20:21,692 --> 01:20:23,027
You're not Alfredo.
1549
01:20:23,236 --> 01:20:24,654
[Benjy]
Mr. Swann.
1550
01:20:24,862 --> 01:20:26,989
Oh, my God, it's Stoneberger.
1551
01:20:27,156 --> 01:20:28,032
Will you ever let me alone?
1552
01:20:28,241 --> 01:20:29,617
As soon as you finish the show.
1553
01:20:29,784 --> 01:20:32,119
I'm not doing the show.
I want to go to the Waldorf!
1554
01:20:32,286 --> 01:20:33,204
You have to do the show.
1555
01:20:33,371 --> 01:20:34,247
If you don't,
they'll deport you.
1556
01:20:34,413 --> 01:20:36,290
[chuckles]
It doesn't matter.
1557
01:20:38,626 --> 01:20:40,837
That's a sad sight.
1558
01:20:41,337 --> 01:20:42,964
You're a sadder sight.
1559
01:20:44,257 --> 01:20:45,758
All you end up doing
is making anyone
1560
01:20:45,925 --> 01:20:47,760
who cares for you unhappy.
1561
01:20:47,927 --> 01:20:49,679
You know what they say
about me, Stoneberg.
1562
01:20:49,846 --> 01:20:52,974
You can depend on Alan Swann,
he will always let you down.
1563
01:20:53,140 --> 01:20:54,600
Did you tell Tess that?
1564
01:20:55,268 --> 01:20:58,020
Oh, that's right, you couldn't
get out of the car.
1565
01:20:59,814 --> 01:21:01,399
[car door slams]
1566
01:21:01,774 --> 01:21:03,818
Alfie, take this bum
to the Waldorf.
1567
01:21:17,248 --> 01:21:20,126
[stage manager]
Ladies, ladies,
let's go, let's go.
1568
01:21:20,751 --> 01:21:23,004
Nancy, you have a nice show.
1569
01:21:25,882 --> 01:21:28,050
Sy, didn't I tell you
not to sneak up.. Oh!
1570
01:21:28,259 --> 01:21:29,969
Mr. Rojek wanted you
to have that.
1571
01:21:30,136 --> 01:21:31,888
- Ah!
- And that.
1572
01:21:34,682 --> 01:21:36,475
[grunting]
1573
01:21:45,985 --> 01:21:48,070
[man over PA]
We have ten seconds to go,just in case..
1574
01:21:48,279 --> 01:21:49,196
Oh.
1575
01:21:51,324 --> 01:21:55,119
Nine, eight, seven, six..
1576
01:21:55,286 --> 01:21:59,165
[male announcer]
This is NBC, the NationalBroadcasting Company.
1577
01:21:59,332 --> 01:22:00,791
- Cue music. Ready one.
- Up!
1578
01:22:00,958 --> 01:22:02,293
- Ready two. Cue announce.
- Two!
1579
01:22:02,460 --> 01:22:03,461
[male announcer]
Ladies and gentlemen
1580
01:22:03,628 --> 01:22:04,962
it is Saturday night at 8:00.
1581
01:22:05,129 --> 01:22:06,881
The National BroadcastingCompany presents
1582
01:22:07,048 --> 01:22:09,133
The Comedy Cavalcade.
1583
01:22:10,509 --> 01:22:11,886
Starring King Kaiser.
1584
01:22:12,053 --> 01:22:15,431
With his specialguest star, Alan Swann.
1585
01:22:15,598 --> 01:22:17,558
[cheering]
1586
01:22:18,809 --> 01:22:20,102
Now, it's roll film!
1587
01:22:20,269 --> 01:22:22,104
[grunting]
1588
01:22:22,271 --> 01:22:23,564
[indistinct chatter]
1589
01:22:26,275 --> 01:22:26,984
Take it!
1590
01:22:27,652 --> 01:22:29,153
When you eat lunch too quickly,
1591
01:22:29,320 --> 01:22:30,488
as this fellow had,
1592
01:22:30,655 --> 01:22:31,822
then you're apt to be cranky
1593
01:22:31,989 --> 01:22:33,449
'cause your stomach feels bad.
1594
01:22:38,621 --> 01:22:40,081
Stone.
1595
01:22:42,416 --> 01:22:43,834
I'm afraid.
1596
01:22:45,920 --> 01:22:47,463
I'm afraid.
1597
01:22:48,089 --> 01:22:51,050
That's why I couldn't get out
of the car to see my Tess.
1598
01:22:51,217 --> 01:22:52,551
My child.
1599
01:22:53,052 --> 01:22:55,179
[Benjy]
Alan Swann, afraid?
1600
01:22:55,346 --> 01:22:56,973
The Defender of the Crown?
1601
01:22:57,139 --> 01:22:58,265
Captain from Tortuga,
1602
01:22:58,474 --> 01:23:00,434
The Last Knight
of the Round Table?
1603
01:23:00,601 --> 01:23:01,936
[Swann]
Those are movies.
1604
01:23:02,228 --> 01:23:04,605
Damn you, look at me!
1605
01:23:05,523 --> 01:23:08,943
I'm flesh and blood,
life-size, no larger.
1606
01:23:09,110 --> 01:23:12,989
I'm not that silly
goddamned hero! I never was!
1607
01:23:13,114 --> 01:23:14,615
To me, you were.
1608
01:23:14,782 --> 01:23:16,492
Whoever you were
in those movies,
1609
01:23:16,659 --> 01:23:20,079
those silly goddamned heroes
meant a lot to me.
1610
01:23:21,497 --> 01:23:25,084
What does it matter if itwas an illusion? It worked.
1611
01:23:25,418 --> 01:23:28,379
So don't tell me
this is you life-size.
1612
01:23:28,713 --> 01:23:31,841
I can't use you life-size.
1613
01:23:32,008 --> 01:23:33,759
I need Alan Swanns
1614
01:23:33,926 --> 01:23:36,137
as big as I can get them.
1615
01:23:36,512 --> 01:23:38,556
And let me tell you something.
1616
01:23:38,848 --> 01:23:40,599
You couldn't have convinced methe way you did
1617
01:23:40,766 --> 01:23:43,686
unless somewhere in you,
you had that courage.
1618
01:23:43,853 --> 01:23:45,896
Nobody's that good an actor.
1619
01:23:46,814 --> 01:23:49,692
You are that silly,
goddamn hero.
1620
01:23:53,821 --> 01:23:56,407
Calm down, back here.
We're on the air!
1621
01:23:56,532 --> 01:23:58,534
Come back, go get some help!
1622
01:23:58,701 --> 01:23:59,994
You're fired!
1623
01:24:01,662 --> 01:24:03,205
[laughing]
1624
01:24:04,248 --> 01:24:06,876
- Who owns the gray '51 DeSoto?
- The new guy, Harris.
1625
01:24:07,043 --> 01:24:09,086
You're parked
in Boss Hijack's spot.
1626
01:24:09,253 --> 01:24:10,129
Better move.
1627
01:24:10,296 --> 01:24:11,589
[audience cheering]
1628
01:24:14,842 --> 01:24:15,926
What the hell is that?
1629
01:24:16,302 --> 01:24:17,219
Help!
1630
01:24:17,386 --> 01:24:18,512
[mumbling]
1631
01:24:18,679 --> 01:24:19,805
[crashing]
1632
01:24:19,889 --> 01:24:20,890
[audience cheering]
1633
01:24:22,892 --> 01:24:24,643
[henchman #1]
You're lucky we'reon the second floor.
1634
01:24:24,810 --> 01:24:26,228
It slowed him down.
1635
01:24:27,521 --> 01:24:29,148
[audience laughing]
1636
01:24:30,691 --> 01:24:33,110
You're very lucky
we're on the second floor.
1637
01:24:34,570 --> 01:24:36,655
It r-- reallyslowed him down.
1638
01:24:37,156 --> 01:24:39,950
One. Where's King?
Cue King, cue him.
1639
01:24:40,367 --> 01:24:42,078
Well, what's it gonna do?
1640
01:24:43,621 --> 01:24:45,539
- Gonna, kinda.. Slow him down.
- Slow him down.
1641
01:24:45,706 --> 01:24:47,083
[crashing]
1642
01:24:48,459 --> 01:24:49,877
[audience laughing]
1643
01:24:54,507 --> 01:24:55,883
Somebody..
1644
01:24:56,926 --> 01:24:58,928
[laughing]
1645
01:24:59,095 --> 01:25:00,888
[applause]
1646
01:25:05,184 --> 01:25:06,560
Holy Jesus.
1647
01:25:09,438 --> 01:25:11,107
Boss Hijack?
1648
01:25:12,399 --> 01:25:14,026
[grunting]
1649
01:25:15,945 --> 01:25:17,404
[audience cheering]
1650
01:25:17,571 --> 01:25:19,490
- One!
- What is this?
1651
01:25:19,657 --> 01:25:20,866
- What's happening?
- Three.
1652
01:25:22,076 --> 01:25:23,494
[grunting]
1653
01:25:26,705 --> 01:25:27,873
Don't come in here.
1654
01:25:28,040 --> 01:25:29,416
[screaming]
1655
01:25:30,501 --> 01:25:32,419
[audience laughing]
1656
01:25:32,586 --> 01:25:33,963
Hey, hey, hey, hey-oh.
1657
01:25:34,130 --> 01:25:36,674
Ha, ha, hey, hey, ho.
1658
01:25:36,882 --> 01:25:38,008
Ooh, hey.
1659
01:25:38,175 --> 01:25:40,219
[laughing]
1660
01:25:40,386 --> 01:25:42,346
Ooh, ooh, ha, hey.
1661
01:25:42,513 --> 01:25:44,056
- Three.
- What's happening?
1662
01:25:44,223 --> 01:25:46,016
- Two.
- What is happening?
1663
01:25:46,183 --> 01:25:48,018
- One.
- What's happening?
1664
01:25:48,185 --> 01:25:50,396
What the hell is happening?
1665
01:25:50,563 --> 01:25:51,730
What the hell is happening?
1666
01:25:51,939 --> 01:25:53,691
[audience cheering]
1667
01:26:03,117 --> 01:26:05,327
Rojeck's men are killing King!
1668
01:26:06,787 --> 01:26:08,205
[grunting]
1669
01:26:11,292 --> 01:26:12,710
[cheering]
1670
01:26:15,296 --> 01:26:17,173
What is Swann doing
in the balcony?
1671
01:26:17,756 --> 01:26:18,924
Get a light on him,
get a light on him.
1672
01:26:19,216 --> 01:26:20,551
[producer] In the balcony,he's in the balcony.
1673
01:26:20,718 --> 01:26:21,969
[technical director]
Three, good!
1674
01:26:22,803 --> 01:26:24,388
Porthole!
1675
01:26:26,056 --> 01:26:26,891
Swann?
1676
01:26:38,152 --> 01:26:39,820
[applause]
1677
01:26:50,748 --> 01:26:53,000
Will you hold my sword?
Thank you very much.
1678
01:26:57,171 --> 01:26:58,505
[grunting]
1679
01:27:13,395 --> 01:27:15,940
Loosen up on three. And three.
1680
01:27:16,357 --> 01:27:19,193
Oh, God, this makes me happy!
1681
01:27:22,238 --> 01:27:23,781
- Two.
- Do as I told you.
1682
01:27:29,870 --> 01:27:31,872
[audience applauding]
1683
01:27:39,380 --> 01:27:41,048
[cheers and whistles]
1684
01:27:42,633 --> 01:27:44,551
What took you so long?
1685
01:27:49,640 --> 01:27:53,102
Ladies and gentlemen,
Alan Swann.
1686
01:27:53,435 --> 01:27:54,812
[cheers and whistles]
1687
01:28:20,212 --> 01:28:21,505
Two.
1688
01:28:23,424 --> 01:28:24,842
And one.
1689
01:28:26,593 --> 01:28:27,761
Two.
1690
01:28:43,319 --> 01:28:45,946
[instrumental music]
1691
01:28:48,949 --> 01:28:51,243
[Benjy Stone]
The way you see him here,like this..
1692
01:28:51,410 --> 01:28:53,829
...this is the wayI like to remember him.
1693
01:28:54,330 --> 01:28:55,998
I think if you hadasked Alan Swann..
1694
01:28:56,165 --> 01:28:59,335
what was the single mostgratifying moment in his life,
1695
01:28:59,501 --> 01:29:01,754
he might have saidthis one, right here.
1696
01:29:02,296 --> 01:29:05,007
The next day, I drove up toConnecticut with him and Alfie.
1697
01:29:05,299 --> 01:29:06,675
This timehe knocked on the door.
1698
01:29:06,842 --> 01:29:08,635
And when he and Tesssaw each other,
1699
01:29:08,802 --> 01:29:10,846
it was likethey'd never been apart.
1700
01:29:11,638 --> 01:29:13,098
Like Alfie says..
1701
01:29:13,265 --> 01:29:15,934
"With Swann, you forgivea lot, you know?"
1702
01:29:16,101 --> 01:29:17,478
I know.
1703
01:29:17,644 --> 01:29:20,022
[instrumental music]
1704
01:29:50,636 --> 01:29:53,514
[music continues]
1705
01:30:23,627 --> 01:30:26,588
[music continues]
1706
01:30:56,702 --> 01:30:59,621
[music continues]
1707
01:31:29,735 --> 01:31:32,654
[music continues]
1708
01:32:02,768 --> 01:32:05,687
[music continues]
115170
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