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3
00:00:25,547 --> 00:00:27,331
Get up.
4
00:00:27,375 --> 00:00:29,333
Come on, get up.
5
00:00:29,377 --> 00:00:30,856
I'm up, I'm up.
6
00:00:32,902 --> 00:00:35,687
Some days, I don't even have
to look at my watch.
7
00:00:35,731 --> 00:00:37,037
See that?
8
00:00:44,392 --> 00:00:47,699
:
I have to piddle so badly.
9
00:00:47,743 --> 00:00:50,876
I think I'll have French toast
for breakfast.
10
00:00:50,920 --> 00:00:53,879
I used to love French toast
when I was a kid.
11
00:00:53,923 --> 00:00:57,883
Can't get good bread anymore--
all that white, pasty crap.
12
00:00:57,927 --> 00:01:00,147
I'll have eggs.
13
00:01:04,325 --> 00:01:05,761
How can she sleep like that?
14
00:01:05,804 --> 00:01:07,241
Look at her.
15
00:01:07,284 --> 00:01:08,807
Well, she's got nothing
on her mind.
16
00:01:08,851 --> 00:01:10,461
What does she care?
17
00:01:10,505 --> 00:01:12,463
I could kick her--
she wouldn't wake up.
18
00:01:12,507 --> 00:01:14,465
Watch.
19
00:01:15,814 --> 00:01:18,817
Incredible.
20
00:01:18,861 --> 00:01:20,993
Her skin feels nice...
21
00:01:21,037 --> 00:01:22,821
smooth and warm.
22
00:01:22,865 --> 00:01:25,476
43 years old--
she's still built pretty good.
23
00:01:25,520 --> 00:01:29,306
Look at this-- 8:00 in the
morning, I'm getting sexy.
24
00:01:29,350 --> 00:01:32,483
A lot of good it'll do me.
25
00:01:32,527 --> 00:01:35,834
Thelma?
26
00:01:35,878 --> 00:01:37,662
Thelma, you feel romantic?
27
00:01:37,706 --> 00:01:40,143
Huh?
28
00:01:44,887 --> 00:01:46,497
I'll have oatmeal.
29
00:01:46,541 --> 00:01:48,804
Haven't had oatmeal
in a long time.
30
00:02:05,342 --> 00:02:06,822
Looks cold out.
31
00:02:06,865 --> 00:02:08,650
Oh, God, I hate the winter.
32
00:02:08,693 --> 00:02:10,173
All I need is snow today.
33
00:02:10,217 --> 00:02:12,262
That'll really kill business.
34
00:02:12,306 --> 00:02:14,656
Please, God, don't let it snow.
35
00:02:14,699 --> 00:02:16,788
Thank you, God. Amen.
36
00:02:23,534 --> 00:02:26,015
I look older than yesterday.
37
00:02:26,058 --> 00:02:28,670
Tomorrow, I'll look older
than today.
38
00:02:28,713 --> 00:02:30,846
Another few years, it's over.
39
00:02:30,889 --> 00:02:33,327
Please, God,
don't let it be over yet.
40
00:02:33,370 --> 00:02:36,678
Let something terrific happen-- anything, God...
41
00:02:36,721 --> 00:02:39,289
just as long as it's something. Amen.
42
00:04:09,684 --> 00:04:11,294
That's it. Sit here.
43
00:04:11,338 --> 00:04:14,166
Spend a whole life
sitting on the expressway.
44
00:04:18,345 --> 00:04:20,477
Sorry!
45
00:04:20,521 --> 00:04:22,131
What are you sorry for?
46
00:04:22,174 --> 00:04:23,611
You're always the one
who's sorry.
47
00:04:23,654 --> 00:04:25,134
"Blow it out your keester,
Charlie."
48
00:04:25,177 --> 00:04:26,788
That's what I should've said.
49
00:04:31,662 --> 00:04:33,142
That's pretty.
50
00:04:33,185 --> 00:04:35,318
So many pretty girls today.
51
00:04:35,362 --> 00:04:37,973
When I was a kid, there was
maybe six, seven pretty girls.
52
00:04:38,016 --> 00:04:39,583
Today, they're all pretty.
53
00:04:42,847 --> 00:04:44,719
Nothing-- like I wasn't there.
54
00:04:44,762 --> 00:04:46,460
If I was a football player,
55
00:04:46,503 --> 00:04:48,331
she'd throw me her phone number and pay my toll.
56
00:05:16,054 --> 00:05:17,578
Sorry. Full up.
57
00:05:17,621 --> 00:05:19,580
Okay, it's me.Well, we're
full up, mister.
58
00:05:19,623 --> 00:05:20,755
What are you
talking about?
59
00:05:20,798 --> 00:05:21,930
I'm the guy
from the restaurant.
60
00:05:21,973 --> 00:05:23,366
I always park here.Oh, yeah.
61
00:05:23,410 --> 00:05:24,889
I didn't recognize
you, Mister, uh...
62
00:05:24,933 --> 00:05:26,151
Cashman. Barney Cashman.
63
00:05:26,195 --> 00:05:27,762
Three years I been parking
in this place.
64
00:05:27,805 --> 00:05:28,937
You don't
recognize me yet?
65
00:05:28,980 --> 00:05:30,547
I-I'm bad on names.
66
00:05:30,591 --> 00:05:35,160
Uh, to me, you're just
a 1971 black Chrysler.
67
00:05:35,204 --> 00:05:37,119
I'm not even a person anymore.
68
00:05:37,162 --> 00:05:39,121
I'm a 1971 black Chrysler.
69
00:05:47,825 --> 00:05:49,958
Look how they dress today:
purple suits.
70
00:05:50,001 --> 00:05:53,222
Wonder how I'd look
in a purple suit.
71
00:05:53,265 --> 00:05:57,357
I would look like a 45-year-old idiot in a purple suit.
72
00:06:03,406 --> 00:06:04,668
Hey!
73
00:06:04,712 --> 00:06:05,843
What are you, crazy?
Almost killed me!
74
00:06:05,887 --> 00:06:07,367
Sorry. I didn't
see you.
75
00:06:07,410 --> 00:06:08,759
You didn't see me?!
I'm standing right here!
76
00:06:08,803 --> 00:06:10,370
I got a hat and coat
and brown shoes on!
77
00:06:10,413 --> 00:06:11,588
How can you miss me?
78
00:06:11,632 --> 00:06:13,068
I missed you.
I didn't notice you.
79
00:06:15,244 --> 00:06:18,508
I could rob a bank,
nobody would look up.
80
00:06:27,125 --> 00:06:28,431
Oh, that's pretty.
81
00:06:28,475 --> 00:06:30,085
That's gorgeous.
82
00:06:30,128 --> 00:06:33,393
Standing next to me
is a gorgeous person.
83
00:06:33,436 --> 00:06:34,437
Say something.
84
00:06:34,481 --> 00:06:35,917
Tell her how beautiful she is.
85
00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:37,440
What's she going to do,
call a cop?
86
00:06:37,484 --> 00:06:38,615
Maybe she'll say thank you.
87
00:06:38,659 --> 00:06:40,138
Maybe she's lonely, divorced,
88
00:06:40,182 --> 00:06:41,879
doesn't know anybody
in New York.
89
00:06:41,923 --> 00:06:43,490
You're the first person
who's talked to her.
90
00:06:43,533 --> 00:06:44,752
Tell her quickly, idiot!
The light is changing!
91
00:06:44,795 --> 00:06:46,580
Excuse me.Yes?
92
00:06:46,623 --> 00:06:47,755
Which way is Fifth Avenue?
93
00:06:47,798 --> 00:06:49,539
Uh, that way.
94
00:06:53,325 --> 00:06:55,763
God, what if somebody saw me.
95
00:06:55,806 --> 00:06:57,286
I must be crazy.
96
00:06:57,329 --> 00:06:59,288
I got a wife, a family,
a good business.
97
00:06:59,331 --> 00:07:00,768
Forget it. Thank you, God.
98
00:07:00,811 --> 00:07:02,639
Thank you for saving me. Amen.
99
00:07:17,524 --> 00:07:18,525
Good morning,
Mr. Cashman.
100
00:07:18,568 --> 00:07:19,917
Cold enough for you?
101
00:07:19,961 --> 00:07:21,266
Yes, Mickey,
it's cold enough for me.
102
00:07:22,790 --> 00:07:24,095
The paper says snow.
103
00:07:24,139 --> 00:07:26,010
Uh, be good weather
if you're a duck.
104
00:07:26,054 --> 00:07:27,447
If you're a duck.
105
00:07:27,490 --> 00:07:29,100
If you're a duck.
That's funny.
106
00:07:29,144 --> 00:07:30,101
That's good, Mickey.
107
00:07:30,145 --> 00:07:31,581
Go sweep
in the corners.
108
00:07:31,625 --> 00:07:35,193
Good morning,
Mr. Cashman.
109
00:07:35,237 --> 00:07:36,760
How many times
do I have to tell you
110
00:07:36,804 --> 00:07:38,283
to tell Mickey
to put his teeth in?
111
00:07:38,327 --> 00:07:39,894
This is a restaurant;
people eat here.
112
00:07:39,937 --> 00:07:41,765
They get nauseous
if there's a man with no teeth.
113
00:07:41,809 --> 00:07:43,463
I tell him,
he doesn't hear.
114
00:07:43,506 --> 00:07:45,465
The-the ladies' toilet
is stuffed up again.
115
00:07:45,508 --> 00:07:47,597
Why do they wait to brush
their hair in my toilets?
116
00:07:47,641 --> 00:07:49,469
Call the plumber.
What else?
117
00:07:49,512 --> 00:07:50,600
Your mother called.
118
00:07:50,644 --> 00:07:52,123
What did she want?
Sympathy.
119
00:07:52,167 --> 00:07:53,647
She has a pain
in her right side.
120
00:07:53,690 --> 00:07:55,475
Call her and tell her
I said, "Oh, my God.
121
00:07:55,518 --> 00:07:57,477
That's terrible."
122
00:07:57,520 --> 00:07:59,304
People are on planes
flying to Paris,
123
00:07:59,348 --> 00:08:00,958
and I'm busy
with stuffed-up toilets.
124
00:08:11,665 --> 00:08:13,971
I don't want to hear about
your broken delivery truck!
125
00:08:14,015 --> 00:08:15,233
I don't have
any clean linen!
126
00:08:15,277 --> 00:08:17,061
I got... I got people here
127
00:08:17,105 --> 00:08:18,889
with lemon and butter sauce
all over their fingers.
128
00:08:18,933 --> 00:08:20,630
What are they supposed to wipe
their hands on, each other?
129
00:08:22,197 --> 00:08:24,068
No, no, no, no,
don't tell me paper napkins!
130
00:08:24,112 --> 00:08:25,679
I got a high-class
restaurant here!
131
00:08:25,722 --> 00:08:27,071
Put 'em in a taxi.
132
00:08:27,115 --> 00:08:28,595
What's the matter
with the clams?
133
00:08:28,638 --> 00:08:30,422
A man says
they're sandy.The man's crazy.
134
00:08:30,466 --> 00:08:33,904
We don't have
sandy clams.
135
00:08:33,948 --> 00:08:36,472
He's not crazy.
These clams are sandy.
136
00:08:36,516 --> 00:08:39,083
Metz, wash the sand out
of the clams, for God's sake!
137
00:08:39,127 --> 00:08:40,563
What is this,
Rockaway Beach?
138
00:08:40,607 --> 00:08:42,260
And the woman at 27
wants to see you.
139
00:08:42,304 --> 00:08:43,566
What's the
matter with 27?
140
00:08:43,610 --> 00:08:45,525
She just wants
to see you.
141
00:08:56,623 --> 00:08:58,668
It's her again.
Fourth time this week.
142
00:08:58,712 --> 00:09:00,365
What's a good-looking woman
like that
143
00:09:00,409 --> 00:09:01,889
eating fish
four times a week for?
144
00:09:01,932 --> 00:09:03,630
She likes fish, that's why.
145
00:09:03,673 --> 00:09:05,501
What'd you think it was, you?
146
00:09:05,545 --> 00:09:07,721
She finds you so attractive,
she can't stay away?
147
00:09:07,764 --> 00:09:09,374
She's not looking for romance.
148
00:09:09,418 --> 00:09:11,420
She's looking
for a nice lobster tail.
149
00:09:11,463 --> 00:09:13,901
Still, it would be nice:
for one afternoon in your life
150
00:09:13,944 --> 00:09:15,729
to get to know someone
like that...
151
00:09:15,772 --> 00:09:18,079
to share a few
intimate moments.
152
00:09:18,122 --> 00:09:20,255
Is that too much to ask
of life?
153
00:09:20,298 --> 00:09:21,604
Yeah, it's too much.
154
00:09:21,648 --> 00:09:23,084
Go on, smile at her.
155
00:09:23,127 --> 00:09:24,912
Say, "Anything I can do
for you?"
156
00:09:24,955 --> 00:09:27,349
She'll say, "My clam chowder's
cold." Watch.
157
00:09:27,392 --> 00:09:28,698
Anything I can do for you?
158
00:09:30,308 --> 00:09:32,093
I wouldn't be at all surprised.
159
00:09:35,662 --> 00:09:37,751
Crazy. I must be crazy.
160
00:09:37,794 --> 00:09:39,622
Why am I doing this?
161
00:09:39,666 --> 00:09:42,233
I know why, and I'm crazy.
162
00:09:51,982 --> 00:09:53,114
How much is that?
163
00:09:53,157 --> 00:09:54,202
What'd you say?
164
00:09:54,245 --> 00:09:56,770
How much is that?
Uh, $2.60.
165
00:09:56,813 --> 00:09:58,467
Ten dollars? I
haven't got change.
166
00:09:58,510 --> 00:10:00,425
Keep the change,
keep the change.
167
00:10:23,361 --> 00:10:25,320
I'm Susan.
What's your name?
168
00:10:25,363 --> 00:10:26,974
What?
What's your name?
169
00:10:27,017 --> 00:10:28,976
My name is George.George what?
170
00:10:29,019 --> 00:10:30,325
What difference
does it make?
171
00:10:30,368 --> 00:10:32,283
I don't live
in this building.
172
00:10:32,327 --> 00:10:34,068
Come on, don't panic.
173
00:10:34,111 --> 00:10:36,331
Your wife is never going
to meet that little girl.
174
00:10:36,374 --> 00:10:37,767
Don't panic.
175
00:10:44,861 --> 00:10:47,342
Ma, are you home?
176
00:10:47,385 --> 00:10:49,779
Ma?
177
00:14:45,754 --> 00:14:47,930
:
Hello, Harriet.
Mr. Cashman.
178
00:14:47,974 --> 00:14:49,105
Everything all right?
179
00:14:49,149 --> 00:14:50,193
Good, good.
180
00:14:50,237 --> 00:14:51,934
Listen, I won't be in until 5:00
181
00:14:51,978 --> 00:14:53,588
I'm at the dentist's office.
182
00:14:53,631 --> 00:14:56,460
Yes, it's very, very, very
painful.
183
00:14:56,504 --> 00:14:57,853
Listen, if my wife calls,
184
00:14:57,897 --> 00:14:59,376
tell her I'm working
in the kitchen.
185
00:14:59,420 --> 00:15:00,551
I don't want to worry her.
186
00:15:00,595 --> 00:15:01,726
What's that, nurse?
187
00:15:01,770 --> 00:15:03,032
The doctor's ready for me now?
188
00:15:03,076 --> 00:15:04,468
Harriet, I'll talk to you.
189
00:15:04,512 --> 00:15:06,427
I'll see you at 5:00.
190
00:15:06,470 --> 00:15:08,211
I must be out of my mind.
191
00:15:08,255 --> 00:15:10,126
My heart won't stop pounding.
192
00:15:10,170 --> 00:15:12,259
I'm getting out.
193
00:15:18,830 --> 00:15:20,397
Oh, God.
194
00:15:20,441 --> 00:15:21,355
One minute!
195
00:15:24,227 --> 00:15:27,013
Please, God, don't let me
humiliate myself. Amen.
196
00:15:41,331 --> 00:15:43,768
Oh, hello.
I... I was in the kitchen.
197
00:15:43,812 --> 00:15:45,945
I didn't hear
the doorbell ring.
198
00:15:45,988 --> 00:15:47,772
Any chance
of coming in?
199
00:15:47,816 --> 00:15:49,339
Yes, yes, please.
200
00:15:55,432 --> 00:15:56,781
How are you?
201
00:15:56,825 --> 00:15:58,305
Very nice.
202
00:15:58,348 --> 00:15:59,567
Aren't you staying?
203
00:15:59,610 --> 00:16:01,612
Me? Yes, certainly.
Why-Why do you ask?
204
00:16:01,656 --> 00:16:02,570
You've got your hat on.
205
00:16:03,832 --> 00:16:04,789
Ah!
206
00:16:06,269 --> 00:16:07,879
Are you cold
or is that a religious thing?
207
00:16:07,923 --> 00:16:09,229
No, no.
208
00:16:09,272 --> 00:16:11,274
I-I, uh, I didn't know
I had it on.
209
00:16:11,318 --> 00:16:12,797
Uh, I... I wasn't sure
you were coming.
210
00:16:12,841 --> 00:16:14,712
I wasn't sure, either.
211
00:16:14,756 --> 00:16:16,279
But I came.
212
00:16:16,323 --> 00:16:18,499
Anyway, hello.
213
00:16:20,022 --> 00:16:21,893
I'm sorry, I-I forget
your name.
214
00:16:21,937 --> 00:16:23,591
You're forgiven.
Elaine Navazio.
215
00:16:23,634 --> 00:16:24,766
Oh, really, really?
216
00:16:24,809 --> 00:16:26,202
Don't tell me I'm wrong.
217
00:16:26,246 --> 00:16:27,987
No, no,
you just don't look like
218
00:16:28,030 --> 00:16:29,336
an "Elaine Navazio" to me,
that's all.
219
00:16:29,379 --> 00:16:30,990
Oh, no?
What, then?
220
00:16:31,033 --> 00:16:34,297
Well, you look more...
more of an Irene.
221
00:16:34,341 --> 00:16:37,605
Irene? You think
I look like Irene?
222
00:16:37,648 --> 00:16:39,911
No, I look like Elaine Navazio.
223
00:16:39,955 --> 00:16:45,134
Uh, are you of
Italian origin...
uh, Navazio?
224
00:16:45,178 --> 00:16:46,962
No, I'm of Polish
persuasion.
225
00:16:47,006 --> 00:16:48,050
Aha.
226
00:16:48,094 --> 00:16:49,138
Mr. Navazio was
of Italian origin.
227
00:16:49,182 --> 00:16:50,357
Uh-huh, huh.
228
00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:51,923
What, uh, what extraction
are you of?
229
00:16:51,967 --> 00:16:56,058
Oh, a little Russian,
a little Lithuanian.
230
00:16:56,102 --> 00:16:57,581
Uh, were your parents born
in this country?
231
00:16:57,625 --> 00:16:59,148
I forget.
232
00:16:59,192 --> 00:17:00,367
Would you like me
to give them a call
and find out?
233
00:17:00,410 --> 00:17:04,153
No, no, I was just
making conversation.
234
00:17:06,373 --> 00:17:08,027
That's the kitchen.
235
00:17:08,070 --> 00:17:09,158
I figured.
236
00:17:09,202 --> 00:17:10,333
No bedroom.
237
00:17:10,377 --> 00:17:11,508
No, no.
238
00:17:11,552 --> 00:17:12,814
Well, the couch opens
up into a bed.
239
00:17:12,857 --> 00:17:14,511
It's a convertible.
240
00:17:14,555 --> 00:17:15,817
Yippee.
241
00:17:30,658 --> 00:17:33,052
You like it quiet like this?
242
00:17:33,095 --> 00:17:34,140
I mean, no talking?
243
00:17:34,183 --> 00:17:35,880
I'm sorry, I just,
uh, ran out
244
00:17:35,924 --> 00:17:37,578
of conversation
for a minute.
245
00:17:37,621 --> 00:17:38,883
Are you nervous?
246
00:17:38,927 --> 00:17:40,798
The truth? Yes.
Are you?
247
00:17:40,842 --> 00:17:41,799
The truth? No.
248
00:17:41,843 --> 00:17:43,279
Well, good, good.
249
00:17:43,323 --> 00:17:45,890
There's no point
in both of us being nervous.
250
00:17:48,980 --> 00:17:52,288
You-you mentioned Mr. Navazio.
251
00:17:52,332 --> 00:17:53,376
So, uh...
252
00:17:53,420 --> 00:17:55,857
so I assume
you're married.
253
00:17:55,900 --> 00:17:57,728
Mr. Navazio assumes I'm married.
254
00:17:57,772 --> 00:17:59,208
I assume what I want.
255
00:17:59,252 --> 00:18:01,558
Aha.
The reason I ask is, uh,
256
00:18:02,951 --> 00:18:05,910
you see, I didn't
see any wedding ring.
257
00:18:05,954 --> 00:18:08,783
Uh... I hope...
258
00:18:17,226 --> 00:18:20,708
It's hard,
it's hard to know if...
259
00:18:33,634 --> 00:18:34,765
Have you got a cigarette?
260
00:18:34,809 --> 00:18:36,158
A cigarette? My God,
261
00:18:36,202 --> 00:18:37,725
wouldn't you rather have
some water?
262
00:18:37,768 --> 00:18:39,161
I can't smoke water.
263
00:18:39,205 --> 00:18:40,380
You're not,
you're not sick,
are you?
264
00:18:40,423 --> 00:18:41,381
In what way?
265
00:18:41,424 --> 00:18:42,991
In a, in a sick way.
266
00:18:43,034 --> 00:18:44,906
I mean that's a terrible cough
you got there.
267
00:18:44,949 --> 00:18:46,734
If it bothers you,
I won't do it again.
268
00:18:46,777 --> 00:18:48,388
No, it doesn't bother me.
I thought it might bother you.
269
00:18:48,431 --> 00:18:50,520
If it bothered me,
I wouldn't do it, would I?
270
00:18:50,564 --> 00:18:52,957
You're not going to give me
that cigarette, are you?
271
00:18:53,001 --> 00:18:54,481
Uh, I don't smoke.
272
00:18:54,524 --> 00:18:56,178
Don't you keep something
in the apartment?
273
00:18:56,222 --> 00:18:57,397
Oh, this isn't
my apartment.
274
00:18:57,440 --> 00:18:59,399
This is my mother's apartment.
275
00:19:00,835 --> 00:19:03,098
You're not actively serious,
are you?
276
00:19:03,142 --> 00:19:04,273
Oh, yes, I am.
277
00:19:04,317 --> 00:19:05,318
I'm very serious.
278
00:19:05,361 --> 00:19:06,928
This is where
my mother lives.
279
00:19:08,321 --> 00:19:09,583
Is she going to join us?
280
00:19:09,626 --> 00:19:11,193
No, no.
She works two days a week
281
00:19:11,237 --> 00:19:12,455
for Mount Sinai Hospital,
282
00:19:12,499 --> 00:19:13,717
but she doesn't
get home until 5:00.
283
00:19:15,241 --> 00:19:16,329
Ten after 3:00.
284
00:19:16,372 --> 00:19:18,461
This is going to be
a spine-tingler.
285
00:19:18,505 --> 00:19:20,768
I didn't know
where else to come.
286
00:19:20,811 --> 00:19:22,552
Would you like a drink?
287
00:19:22,596 --> 00:19:25,686
Desperately.
288
00:19:25,729 --> 00:19:26,687
I only have scotch.
289
00:19:26,730 --> 00:19:27,688
Is that all right?
290
00:19:27,731 --> 00:19:29,429
Fine.
291
00:19:32,780 --> 00:19:35,261
You brought glasses, too.
292
00:19:37,915 --> 00:19:39,743
Afraid if you dirtied
your mother's glasses
293
00:19:39,787 --> 00:19:41,223
she'd know
someone was here.
294
00:19:41,267 --> 00:19:44,444
Well, my mother's a very,
very meticulous woman,
295
00:19:44,487 --> 00:19:46,489
and if anything
was to look different
296
00:19:46,533 --> 00:19:47,751
when she came home,
297
00:19:47,795 --> 00:19:49,753
it would be very,
very hard to explain.
298
00:19:49,797 --> 00:19:51,407
I think you did
the smart thing.
299
00:19:51,451 --> 00:19:52,843
How many ice cubes
did you bring?
300
00:19:53,975 --> 00:19:54,889
I didn't go
quite that far.
301
00:19:54,932 --> 00:19:56,195
Why, would you like ice?
302
00:19:56,238 --> 00:19:57,718
I'll be very happy
to get you some ice.
303
00:19:57,761 --> 00:19:59,676
Forget it.
We'd spend the rest
of the afternoon
304
00:19:59,720 --> 00:20:01,156
wiping fingerprints
off the trays.
305
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:02,462
You see, my mother
remembers
306
00:20:02,505 --> 00:20:04,377
exactly how high
the pillows
were puffed
307
00:20:04,420 --> 00:20:05,856
when she was...
when she left.
308
00:20:05,900 --> 00:20:07,858
I guess, I guess
309
00:20:07,902 --> 00:20:11,340
I'm not very good
at all this, huh?
310
00:20:11,384 --> 00:20:12,341
Forget it.
311
00:20:12,385 --> 00:20:13,734
It's very sweet.
312
00:20:13,777 --> 00:20:14,691
Thank you.
313
00:20:17,912 --> 00:20:20,828
Listen, are you going to, uh,
keep talking soft all day?
314
00:20:20,871 --> 00:20:21,829
Was I talking soft?
315
00:20:21,872 --> 00:20:23,396
Mm-hmm.
316
00:20:23,439 --> 00:20:24,962
Are you talking soft
because you think that's sexy?
317
00:20:25,006 --> 00:20:25,963
'Cause I don't find it sexy.
318
00:20:26,007 --> 00:20:26,964
I find it hard
to hear.
319
00:20:27,008 --> 00:20:28,227
No.
320
00:20:28,270 --> 00:20:29,489
No, it's just that
321
00:20:29,532 --> 00:20:32,709
these new buildings
have paper-thin walls,
322
00:20:32,753 --> 00:20:35,930
and, uh, my mother's got
this high squeaky voice
323
00:20:35,973 --> 00:20:37,323
and there's an old lady
that lives next door
324
00:20:37,366 --> 00:20:38,498
who's home all day,
325
00:20:38,541 --> 00:20:40,195
and if she were
to hear deep voices,
326
00:20:40,239 --> 00:20:41,327
she'd begin to wonder.
327
00:20:41,370 --> 00:20:42,458
So what's the plan?
328
00:20:42,502 --> 00:20:43,851
You whisper
and I clean the house
329
00:20:43,894 --> 00:20:45,200
in a high squeaky voice?
330
00:20:45,244 --> 00:20:46,506
No, no.
331
00:20:46,549 --> 00:20:49,335
We'll both just keep
talking naturally.
332
00:20:49,378 --> 00:20:50,336
You got a pencil
and paper?
333
00:20:50,379 --> 00:20:51,641
We could pass notes.
334
00:20:51,685 --> 00:20:54,165
I-I never know when
you're kidding me.
335
00:20:54,209 --> 00:20:55,515
I was just kidding you.
336
00:20:55,558 --> 00:20:57,343
Don't pay
any attention to me.
337
00:20:57,386 --> 00:20:59,780
I'm... I'm beginning
to feel very foolish.
338
00:20:59,823 --> 00:21:01,347
I don't know what
to say to you.
339
00:21:01,390 --> 00:21:03,436
Say nice things.
340
00:21:03,479 --> 00:21:04,524
You're an
attractive woman.
341
00:21:04,567 --> 00:21:06,221
Yeah.
That's it?
342
00:21:06,265 --> 00:21:07,701
Okay, cheers.
343
00:21:07,744 --> 00:21:10,138
Is that your wife
I see once in a while
344
00:21:10,181 --> 00:21:11,531
in the restaurant:
345
00:21:11,574 --> 00:21:14,055
tall blonde with a mink coat
and the space shoes?
346
00:21:14,098 --> 00:21:15,709
Yes. My God,
how did you
know that?
347
00:21:15,752 --> 00:21:18,189
She's always got her hand
in the cash register.
348
00:21:18,233 --> 00:21:20,148
Ah, ha, ha,
that's just on Fridays.
349
00:21:20,191 --> 00:21:22,237
She, she goes to
the bank on Fridays.
350
00:21:23,717 --> 00:21:25,240
You sure you don't
want some ice?
351
00:21:25,284 --> 00:21:26,197
Positive.
352
00:21:27,764 --> 00:21:29,026
You just did it again.
353
00:21:29,070 --> 00:21:30,158
Did what?
354
00:21:30,201 --> 00:21:31,159
Smelled your fingers.
355
00:21:31,202 --> 00:21:32,682
That's the third time
356
00:21:32,726 --> 00:21:33,944
you've smelled
your fingers
since I'm here.
357
00:21:33,988 --> 00:21:35,076
Did I do that?
358
00:21:35,119 --> 00:21:37,034
I wasn't even
conscious of it.
359
00:21:37,078 --> 00:21:38,906
Is that
an occupational hazard?
360
00:21:38,949 --> 00:21:40,255
Owning a fish restaurant
361
00:21:40,299 --> 00:21:42,083
and always wondering
how your fingers smell?
362
00:21:42,126 --> 00:21:46,348
Well, see, I-I handle
a lot of fish every day.
363
00:21:46,392 --> 00:21:49,569
And I've used
soap, I've used
after-shave lotion,
364
00:21:49,612 --> 00:21:51,919
I've use perfume, I've
even used turpentine.
365
00:21:51,962 --> 00:21:53,964
All of it's all right
for a couple hours.
366
00:21:54,008 --> 00:21:55,139
4:00 in the afternoon,
367
00:21:55,183 --> 00:21:56,880
it comes back in
again like the tide.
368
00:21:56,924 --> 00:21:59,143
I know it's, it's
not the suavest
thing in the world
369
00:21:59,187 --> 00:22:00,362
going around smelling
your fingers, right?
370
00:22:00,406 --> 00:22:02,016
The smelly fingers
don't bother me
371
00:22:02,059 --> 00:22:03,409
as much as that blue suit.
372
00:22:03,452 --> 00:22:05,193
Don't you ever wear
anything else?
373
00:22:05,236 --> 00:22:06,281
Oh, no, not in
the restaurant.
374
00:22:06,325 --> 00:22:09,328
My father told me
a businessman
375
00:22:09,371 --> 00:22:11,895
must always wear
a dignified blue suit.
376
00:22:11,939 --> 00:22:13,114
You never had a wild,
377
00:22:13,157 --> 00:22:14,942
crazy desire
for a brown sport jacket?
378
00:22:14,985 --> 00:22:16,291
Oh, I have
sports jackets.
379
00:22:16,335 --> 00:22:17,814
I wear them
all the time.
380
00:22:17,858 --> 00:22:19,294
I'm not as staid
as you think I am.
381
00:22:19,338 --> 00:22:22,428
Yes, you are.
"Staid" is a very staid word.
382
00:22:22,471 --> 00:22:23,472
You got a car?
383
00:22:23,516 --> 00:22:24,517
Oh, yeah.
384
00:22:24,560 --> 00:22:26,345
Four-door black sedan,
right?
385
00:22:26,388 --> 00:22:27,389
How did you know that?
386
00:22:27,433 --> 00:22:29,522
Goes with the blue suits.
387
00:22:29,565 --> 00:22:32,699
You know, you're a very
unusual woman.
388
00:22:32,742 --> 00:22:34,265
I mean, like coming
to my restaurant
389
00:22:34,309 --> 00:22:35,397
four times
in one week.
390
00:22:35,441 --> 00:22:39,619
Is that a special
high-protein diet?
391
00:22:39,662 --> 00:22:41,098
I get cravings.
392
00:22:41,142 --> 00:22:42,448
What kind of cravings?
393
00:22:42,491 --> 00:22:46,190
To eat, to touch,
to smell, to see,
to do.
394
00:22:46,234 --> 00:22:48,279
A physical sensual pleasure
395
00:22:48,323 --> 00:22:50,543
that can only be satisfied
at that particular moment.
396
00:22:50,586 --> 00:22:54,590
Yes, yes, like after
an hour of handball,
a cold bottle of Pepsi.
397
00:22:56,070 --> 00:22:58,159
I'm going to have trouble
with you, right?
398
00:23:00,379 --> 00:23:02,468
I have a craving
for another scotch.
399
00:23:02,511 --> 00:23:04,644
Coming right up.
400
00:23:04,687 --> 00:23:05,688
Caught you again.
401
00:23:05,732 --> 00:23:06,820
No, no, no, no.
402
00:23:06,863 --> 00:23:07,821
I wasn't smelling
my fingers,
403
00:23:07,864 --> 00:23:09,083
I was looking
at my watch.
404
00:23:09,126 --> 00:23:11,172
Oh, is it time
to smell your fingers yet?
405
00:23:11,215 --> 00:23:14,262
No, no, I was thinking
about my mother, but
we've got plenty of time.
406
00:23:14,305 --> 00:23:17,439
What time is it?
3:15.
407
00:23:17,483 --> 00:23:18,484
Quarter after 3:00.
408
00:23:18,527 --> 00:23:20,442
Mount Sinai
lets out at 5:00.
409
00:23:20,486 --> 00:23:23,314
That's an hour
and 45 minutes.
410
00:23:24,664 --> 00:23:26,405
Okay, you want to make
the first move?
411
00:23:26,448 --> 00:23:29,451
Boy, you're very open
about things, aren't you?
412
00:23:29,495 --> 00:23:31,453
In other words, you're not going
to make the first move.
413
00:23:31,497 --> 00:23:33,847
Yes, I am, certainly.
414
00:23:33,890 --> 00:23:35,283
I thought we'd just finish
our drink.
415
00:23:35,326 --> 00:23:36,806
It's your schedule.
416
00:23:36,850 --> 00:23:39,200
You know, Mrs. Navazio,
you're...
417
00:23:39,243 --> 00:23:41,202
If you're going to keep
calling me Mrs. Navazio,
418
00:23:41,245 --> 00:23:42,682
you better get out
a deck of cards.
419
00:23:42,725 --> 00:23:43,770
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Irene.
420
00:23:43,813 --> 00:23:45,119
Elaine!
Elaine.
421
00:23:45,162 --> 00:23:46,686
Try Elaine, you'll get
a better response.
422
00:23:46,729 --> 00:23:48,078
I don't know why
I called you Irene.
423
00:23:48,122 --> 00:23:49,863
Is your wife Irene?
424
00:23:49,906 --> 00:23:52,474
No, my wife is,
uh... Thelma.
425
00:23:52,518 --> 00:23:54,389
Well, let her
worry about Irene.
426
00:23:54,433 --> 00:23:56,609
Okay, the thing
is, Elaine...
427
00:23:56,652 --> 00:23:57,784
Yes, Barney?
428
00:23:57,827 --> 00:23:59,046
Barney, yes.
Please, please.
429
00:23:59,089 --> 00:24:00,177
Call me Barney.
430
00:24:00,221 --> 00:24:01,396
What else have
I got to do?
431
00:24:01,440 --> 00:24:02,571
Yes, the thing is,
432
00:24:02,615 --> 00:24:04,747
I, I find you
a very attractive woman.
433
00:24:04,791 --> 00:24:06,314
We did that line.
434
00:24:06,357 --> 00:24:07,489
Yes, well, you know,
435
00:24:07,533 --> 00:24:09,143
I'm not
George Bernard Shaw.
436
00:24:09,186 --> 00:24:10,579
You got to start
somewhere.
437
00:24:10,623 --> 00:24:12,886
Not that I don't write
a little bit myself.
438
00:24:12,929 --> 00:24:15,192
In fact, you've read
some of my stuff.
439
00:24:15,236 --> 00:24:16,977
I have? Where?
440
00:24:17,020 --> 00:24:18,413
Oh, yes.
In the menu.
441
00:24:18,457 --> 00:24:19,893
Sweet savory
salmon sauté
442
00:24:19,936 --> 00:24:21,851
swimming in salivary
succulence.
443
00:24:21,895 --> 00:24:23,374
That's mine.
444
00:24:23,418 --> 00:24:24,898
That's very catchy.
It has a nice beat.
445
00:24:24,941 --> 00:24:26,813
Thank you. Uh, you know,
they call that "alliteration."
446
00:24:26,856 --> 00:24:30,120
Or did you read the one:
flaming Florentine flounder.
447
00:24:30,164 --> 00:24:31,252
I browsed through it.
448
00:24:31,295 --> 00:24:32,558
What time is it now?
449
00:24:32,601 --> 00:24:33,733
3:16.
450
00:24:33,776 --> 00:24:35,517
That's another minute shot.
451
00:24:35,561 --> 00:24:36,997
What is it going to be?
452
00:24:37,040 --> 00:24:40,087
Boy, you really come
to the point, don't you?
453
00:24:40,130 --> 00:24:42,089
Look, did you ask me up
here with the intentions
454
00:24:42,132 --> 00:24:43,220
of having an affair
or not?
455
00:24:43,264 --> 00:24:44,395
Well, in a manner of speaking...
456
00:24:44,439 --> 00:24:45,571
Yes or no?
457
00:24:45,614 --> 00:24:46,528
I thought
we'd talk for a while.
458
00:24:46,572 --> 00:24:48,008
Yes or no?
Yes.
459
00:24:48,051 --> 00:24:49,966
And that we have to be
out of here by 5:00?
460
00:24:50,010 --> 00:24:51,185
:
I didn't put it
quite that bluntly.
461
00:24:51,228 --> 00:24:52,273
What time do we have
to be out of here?
462
00:24:52,316 --> 00:24:53,927
5:00.
463
00:24:53,970 --> 00:24:55,755
Look, I don't deny my intentions
were romantic in nature.
464
00:24:55,798 --> 00:24:56,973
Romantic?
465
00:24:57,017 --> 00:24:58,409
In your mother's
clean apartment
466
00:24:58,453 --> 00:24:59,976
with two glasses
from Bloomingdale's
467
00:25:00,020 --> 00:25:01,935
and your rubbers dripping
on the newspapers?
468
00:25:01,978 --> 00:25:03,632
It was my belief
that romance is inspired
469
00:25:03,676 --> 00:25:05,547
by the participants and
not the accouterments.
470
00:25:05,591 --> 00:25:07,114
Well, that's
beautifully worded.
471
00:25:07,157 --> 00:25:08,942
You ought to use it on
the cherry stone clams.
472
00:25:10,639 --> 00:25:12,032
What's the matter?
473
00:25:12,075 --> 00:25:13,381
Is having an affair
a dirty expression?
474
00:25:13,424 --> 00:25:14,730
Certainly not.
475
00:25:14,774 --> 00:25:15,992
Having an affair,
what's wrong with that?
476
00:25:16,036 --> 00:25:17,211
I may be staid,
but I'm not a prude.
477
00:25:17,254 --> 00:25:18,604
The hell you're not.
478
00:25:18,647 --> 00:25:20,257
I bet I could say
three words right now
479
00:25:20,301 --> 00:25:21,302
that would turn that blue
suit into a glen plaid.
480
00:25:21,345 --> 00:25:22,782
You're very silly,
Elaine.
481
00:25:22,825 --> 00:25:24,261
I'm going to say it.
I'm going to say a word.
482
00:25:24,305 --> 00:25:25,262
You want to put your
hands over your ears?
483
00:25:25,306 --> 00:25:26,263
That's not funny.
484
00:25:26,307 --> 00:25:27,264
I'm saying it: screw.
485
00:25:27,308 --> 00:25:28,744
Asshole!
I can do that, too.
486
00:25:28,788 --> 00:25:30,180
I mean, I don't understand
the point of all this.
487
00:25:30,224 --> 00:25:32,052
The point is that
we have a time problem
488
00:25:32,095 --> 00:25:33,749
and you're reading me
fish poetry.
489
00:25:33,793 --> 00:25:35,795
I just thought you'd like to
know a little bit about me.
490
00:25:35,838 --> 00:25:36,883
Besides,
hotels are dangerous.
491
00:25:36,926 --> 00:25:38,275
People can see you there.
492
00:25:39,799 --> 00:25:41,104
Forget it.
Forget it.
493
00:25:41,148 --> 00:25:42,192
You're very courageous.
494
00:25:42,236 --> 00:25:43,759
I'm surprised you took a chance
495
00:25:43,803 --> 00:25:46,153
giving me that extra shrimp
in the shrimp cocktail.
496
00:25:47,458 --> 00:25:48,634
You intend
using that bottle again
497
00:25:48,677 --> 00:25:50,200
or are you going
to turn it into a lamp?
498
00:25:50,244 --> 00:25:52,028
You finished the
other one already?
499
00:25:52,072 --> 00:25:54,161
I didn't finish it,
it evaporated.
500
00:25:56,555 --> 00:25:57,686
Elaine...
501
00:26:00,515 --> 00:26:01,777
can I ask you a very
502
00:26:01,821 --> 00:26:02,865
personal question?
503
00:26:02,909 --> 00:26:04,345
Yes, I've done this before.
504
00:26:06,173 --> 00:26:07,130
You have?
505
00:26:07,174 --> 00:26:08,784
I have.
506
00:26:08,828 --> 00:26:10,569
If it'll help your vanity any,
you are the first
507
00:26:10,612 --> 00:26:12,658
owner of a fish restaurant
I've ever been with.
508
00:26:12,701 --> 00:26:14,616
In that sense,
I'm still a virgin.
509
00:26:14,660 --> 00:26:16,662
Well, I would gather then
510
00:26:16,705 --> 00:26:19,490
that you're not
too happy with Mr. Navazio.
511
00:26:19,534 --> 00:26:21,449
What the hell
kind of question is that?
512
00:26:21,492 --> 00:26:23,625
I didn't come up here
to get reformed.
513
00:26:23,669 --> 00:26:25,758
It's bad enough you got me
to quit smoking.
514
00:26:25,801 --> 00:26:26,759
Leave my sex life alone.
515
00:26:26,802 --> 00:26:28,064
All right,
all right.
516
00:26:28,108 --> 00:26:29,413
I'm, I'm very sorry,
I apologize.
517
00:26:29,457 --> 00:26:30,719
It's none of my business.
518
00:26:30,763 --> 00:26:33,766
Anyway, uh,
what I'm getting at is,
519
00:26:33,809 --> 00:26:35,768
I know why
I asked you here.
520
00:26:35,811 --> 00:26:40,381
Did you come up here
because...
521
00:26:40,424 --> 00:26:42,296
Isn't that funny?
I...
522
00:26:42,339 --> 00:26:43,950
find it difficult
to come out and say it.
523
00:26:43,993 --> 00:26:45,865
Would you like me
to wait in the kitchen?
524
00:26:45,908 --> 00:26:48,215
No, no.
525
00:26:48,258 --> 00:26:49,346
Am I appealing to you?
526
00:26:49,390 --> 00:26:50,391
Yes.
527
00:26:50,434 --> 00:26:51,697
I am?
528
00:26:51,740 --> 00:26:53,176
Now you appeal to me.
529
00:26:53,220 --> 00:26:54,656
What do
you mean "now"?
530
00:26:54,700 --> 00:26:55,918
You mean possibly
not tomorrow?
531
00:26:55,962 --> 00:26:57,659
I mean possibly
not in 15 minutes.
532
00:26:57,703 --> 00:26:59,574
I have a short span
of concentration.
533
00:26:59,618 --> 00:27:01,228
Well, see,
I find that disturbing.
534
00:27:01,271 --> 00:27:02,359
Do you really?
535
00:27:02,403 --> 00:27:03,622
Yes, I do.
536
00:27:03,665 --> 00:27:05,188
I find it disturbing
and a little sad
537
00:27:05,232 --> 00:27:07,016
that your attitude towards
people is so detached.
538
00:27:07,060 --> 00:27:08,714
Well, you'll get over it.
539
00:27:08,757 --> 00:27:10,716
And if not, there are those
little pills you can take.
540
00:27:10,759 --> 00:27:12,239
Look, I didn't
mean anything.
541
00:27:12,282 --> 00:27:13,283
Don't get upset.
542
00:27:13,327 --> 00:27:14,284
Who's upset?
543
00:27:14,328 --> 00:27:15,721
I had a terrific time.
544
00:27:15,764 --> 00:27:17,244
You're a great host,
Mr. Cashman.
545
00:27:17,287 --> 00:27:18,680
You're a nice, soft talker,
546
00:27:18,724 --> 00:27:20,900
you pour a small but
beautiful glass of scotch
547
00:27:20,943 --> 00:27:22,858
and my compliments to your
mother's housekeeping.
548
00:27:22,902 --> 00:27:24,555
Where are
you going?
549
00:27:24,599 --> 00:27:26,296
Out in the street to look for
cigarette butts and then home.
550
00:27:26,340 --> 00:27:28,342
But don't worry, no one will
notice me leaving the building.
551
00:27:28,385 --> 00:27:29,473
I'll walk out backwards.
552
00:27:29,517 --> 00:27:30,518
What'd I say?
553
00:27:30,561 --> 00:27:32,172
Why are you
so upset?
554
00:27:32,215 --> 00:27:34,435
You've got some kind of nerve
getting me up here
555
00:27:34,478 --> 00:27:36,611
in this furniture museum
and that shiny blue suit
556
00:27:36,655 --> 00:27:38,091
with your thimble full of scotch
557
00:27:38,134 --> 00:27:39,440
sitting there
smelling your fingers
558
00:27:39,483 --> 00:27:41,094
and telling me
I give you the blues.
559
00:27:41,137 --> 00:27:42,486
When did I say that?
560
00:27:42,530 --> 00:27:43,792
I'm not depressed,
I'm not sad.
561
00:27:43,836 --> 00:27:44,967
I'm very happy.
562
00:27:45,011 --> 00:27:46,229
Listen, I don't have
any change.
563
00:27:46,273 --> 00:27:47,448
Let me have 30 cents.
564
00:27:47,491 --> 00:27:48,579
Maybe I'll get
luckier on the bus.
565
00:27:48,623 --> 00:27:49,711
Please, don't run out.
566
00:27:49,755 --> 00:27:50,712
Let me just
say something.
567
00:27:50,756 --> 00:27:52,279
Say something?
568
00:27:52,322 --> 00:27:53,846
You've already talked away
half of our allotted time.
569
00:27:53,889 --> 00:27:55,935
Now you'll use the other half
to wipe my lip prints
570
00:27:55,978 --> 00:27:57,458
off the glasses,
puff up the pillows
571
00:27:57,501 --> 00:27:58,546
and get the hell out of here.
572
00:27:58,589 --> 00:27:59,721
Just lower your voice.
573
00:27:59,765 --> 00:28:00,722
:
Lower my voice?
574
00:28:00,766 --> 00:28:02,332
Shh.
575
00:28:02,376 --> 00:28:03,769
Mr. Cashman is using
his mother's apartment
576
00:28:03,812 --> 00:28:04,813
to bang broads!
577
00:28:04,857 --> 00:28:06,685
What's the sense of that?
578
00:28:06,728 --> 00:28:09,383
Don't tell me I depress you,
you flaming Florentine flounder.
579
00:28:09,426 --> 00:28:11,167
I ended up with
a goddamn leprechaun.
580
00:28:11,211 --> 00:28:13,735
Elaine, Elaine, you're getting
yourself unduly upset.
581
00:28:13,779 --> 00:28:15,171
Unduly upset?
582
00:28:15,215 --> 00:28:17,086
I'm risking a silver
bullet between the eyes,
583
00:28:17,130 --> 00:28:18,740
I can't even get
a lousy cigarette.
584
00:28:20,960 --> 00:28:22,918
Water, I'll get you water.
585
00:28:22,962 --> 00:28:26,139
Oh, God, what if she gets sick
and dies in the living room?
586
00:28:26,182 --> 00:28:27,618
How am I going to explain
587
00:28:27,662 --> 00:28:29,098
a dead Polish woman
to my mother?
588
00:28:31,971 --> 00:28:33,712
Boy, your chest sounds
all congested.
589
00:28:33,755 --> 00:28:35,888
Have you ever tried
sleeping with a vaporizer?
590
00:28:35,931 --> 00:28:37,280
No, but don't worry,
591
00:28:37,324 --> 00:28:38,934
I'll get around
to everyone.
592
00:28:38,978 --> 00:28:42,851
Well, I sure bungled this
whole thing, didn't I?
593
00:28:42,895 --> 00:28:44,505
You want it straight?
594
00:28:47,813 --> 00:28:50,293
I'm sorry I wasted
your time.
595
00:28:50,337 --> 00:28:52,643
I'm sure you could have found
something better to do
596
00:28:52,687 --> 00:28:54,384
than sitting here
all afternoon with me.
597
00:28:54,428 --> 00:28:55,908
All right, don't
get choked up.
598
00:28:55,951 --> 00:28:58,388
I can't stand a choked-up
44-year-old man.
599
00:28:58,432 --> 00:29:01,087
Is that how old
I look to you, 44?
600
00:29:01,130 --> 00:29:03,176
Cut right down
to the marrow, huh?
601
00:29:03,219 --> 00:29:05,439
No, actually, you look
like a college kid.
602
00:29:05,482 --> 00:29:06,440
21, 22.
603
00:29:06,483 --> 00:29:07,833
Come on,
Elaine.
604
00:29:07,876 --> 00:29:09,138
It was your black socks
with the clocks on them
605
00:29:09,182 --> 00:29:10,792
that threw me off.
606
00:29:10,836 --> 00:29:13,752
Well, actually, I'm flattered,
because I'm 45.
607
00:29:13,795 --> 00:29:15,536
Does that
surprise you?
608
00:29:15,579 --> 00:29:18,147
It's a good thing I was
sitting down when you told me.
609
00:29:18,191 --> 00:29:21,237
You're still upset about what
I said before, aren't you?
610
00:29:21,281 --> 00:29:22,412
I'm not upset.
611
00:29:22,456 --> 00:29:24,153
I'm not angry, I'm not mad.
612
00:29:24,197 --> 00:29:25,807
If you want the plain,
heartbreaking truth,
613
00:29:25,851 --> 00:29:27,243
I'm a little bored.
614
00:29:27,287 --> 00:29:28,549
No harm was done,
no one got hurt.
615
00:29:28,592 --> 00:29:30,159
The worst
that'll happen
616
00:29:30,203 --> 00:29:31,682
is from now on I'll get
the same five shrimps
617
00:29:31,726 --> 00:29:33,162
as everyone else.
618
00:29:33,206 --> 00:29:35,948
It's been a glorious and
memorable 30 minutes.
619
00:29:35,991 --> 00:29:37,819
Elaine,
do you know what I wish?
620
00:29:37,863 --> 00:29:39,255
I wish we could start
621
00:29:39,299 --> 00:29:41,170
this whole thing over again
from the beginning.
622
00:29:41,214 --> 00:29:42,781
Doesn't everyone,
Barney?
623
00:29:42,824 --> 00:29:43,912
Ciao.
624
00:29:58,448 --> 00:30:00,711
Damn you, why didn't
you say something?
625
00:30:00,755 --> 00:30:02,626
Why didn't you grab her?
626
00:30:02,670 --> 00:30:04,367
Stupid.
627
00:30:13,463 --> 00:30:15,204
Talk, talk, talk,
that's all you can do,
628
00:30:15,248 --> 00:30:17,728
you dumb talking idiot.
629
00:30:37,226 --> 00:30:39,054
I just happened to be
in the neighborhood.
630
00:30:39,098 --> 00:30:40,142
I thought I'd drop by.
631
00:30:40,186 --> 00:30:42,014
I wonder if I could please...
632
00:30:47,628 --> 00:30:48,716
Oh, Christ!
633
00:30:48,759 --> 00:30:49,935
You all right?
634
00:30:49,978 --> 00:30:50,936
My goddamn lip is bleeding.
635
00:30:50,979 --> 00:30:51,937
I'm sorry, Elaine.
636
00:30:51,980 --> 00:30:53,155
If you wanted me
on the sofa,
637
00:30:53,199 --> 00:30:54,504
why didn't you
just point to it?
638
00:30:54,548 --> 00:30:55,810
I didn't want you
on the sofa.
639
00:30:55,854 --> 00:30:57,551
I'm sorry, Elaine.
Let me see your lip.
640
00:30:57,594 --> 00:30:59,118
It's a bleeding lip.
You've seen them before.
641
00:30:59,161 --> 00:31:00,206
Let me have
your handkerchief.
642
00:31:00,249 --> 00:31:01,860
Okay, here.
Stupid idiot.
643
00:31:01,903 --> 00:31:03,426
I don't know why
I kissed you so hard.
644
00:31:03,470 --> 00:31:04,906
It was a terrific kiss.
645
00:31:04,950 --> 00:31:06,777
A little pointy, maybe,
but very nice.
646
00:31:06,821 --> 00:31:08,214
Help me up.Yeah.
647
00:31:10,738 --> 00:31:11,870
It stopped.
648
00:31:11,913 --> 00:31:12,914
Here, you better burn this.
649
00:31:12,958 --> 00:31:14,263
Yeah.
650
00:31:14,307 --> 00:31:15,395
How 'bout a little
more scotch?
651
00:31:15,438 --> 00:31:16,657
How 'bout a lot more?
652
00:31:19,094 --> 00:31:20,617
You packed the glasses already?
653
00:31:20,661 --> 00:31:22,924
You didn't wax
the floors, too, did you?
654
00:31:22,968 --> 00:31:24,404
Some klutz I am, huh?
655
00:31:24,447 --> 00:31:26,797
World's champion
Olympic klutz.
656
00:31:26,841 --> 00:31:28,669
Listen, it was the best
two minutes we've had.
657
00:31:28,712 --> 00:31:30,627
I'm not one to knock
a little physical contact.
658
00:31:30,671 --> 00:31:32,194
Boy, I never saw
anybody who could
659
00:31:32,238 --> 00:31:33,369
change moods
so quickly.
660
00:31:33,413 --> 00:31:34,501
I don't think you're
as tough
661
00:31:34,544 --> 00:31:35,502
as you like to sound.
662
00:31:35,545 --> 00:31:36,720
Are we going to hold hands now?
663
00:31:36,764 --> 00:31:37,939
I wish I could
figure you out.
664
00:31:37,983 --> 00:31:39,114
I wish I knew what
was going on
665
00:31:39,158 --> 00:31:40,768
in that brain of
yours right now.
666
00:31:40,811 --> 00:31:43,205
Listen, we're not going
to get in one of those
667
00:31:43,249 --> 00:31:45,947
talking things again are
we, without cigarettes?
668
00:31:45,991 --> 00:31:47,949
What were you like
as a little girl?
669
00:31:47,993 --> 00:31:49,168
Fat and pimply.
670
00:31:49,211 --> 00:31:50,430
Don't you even
smoke a pipe?
671
00:31:50,473 --> 00:31:51,866
All I need
is a couple of drags.
672
00:31:51,910 --> 00:31:53,607
My God, is that the only
thing you can think of?
673
00:31:53,650 --> 00:31:55,870
Is that the most important
thing in your life right now?
674
00:31:55,914 --> 00:31:58,003
Isn't there anything else more
important to you than a lousy,
675
00:31:58,046 --> 00:31:59,787
goddamn, mentholated,
filter-tip cigarette?
676
00:31:59,830 --> 00:32:01,963
Well, what else are you offering
that's more enjoyable?
677
00:32:02,007 --> 00:32:03,269
I'm trying to talk to you,
I'm trying
678
00:32:03,312 --> 00:32:04,487
to get to know you
as a human being.
679
00:32:04,531 --> 00:32:05,488
Is there anything
wrong with that?
680
00:32:05,532 --> 00:32:06,576
No, not if we didn't
681
00:32:06,620 --> 00:32:07,664
have to be out by 5:00.
682
00:32:07,708 --> 00:32:09,318
If you wanted information,
683
00:32:09,362 --> 00:32:10,667
I could've filled out
a form in the restaurant.
684
00:32:10,711 --> 00:32:11,973
Tell me the truth.
685
00:32:12,017 --> 00:32:13,148
Would you be
a lot happier
686
00:32:13,192 --> 00:32:14,628
if I started ripping
your clothes off
687
00:32:14,671 --> 00:32:15,934
and jumping
all over you?
688
00:32:15,977 --> 00:32:17,196
Just a pure, physical,
animal act,
689
00:32:17,239 --> 00:32:18,632
is that what you
would prefer?
690
00:32:18,675 --> 00:32:20,199
Well, it would be a nice
way of breaking the ice.
691
00:32:20,242 --> 00:32:21,765
Because if that's
what you would prefer,
692
00:32:21,809 --> 00:32:22,984
I can certainly
accommodate you.
693
00:32:23,028 --> 00:32:24,333
Okay, accommodate me.
694
00:32:24,377 --> 00:32:26,292
Okay, come here.
695
00:32:26,335 --> 00:32:27,554
No, I can't.
696
00:32:27,597 --> 00:32:29,164
I just think that's crude.
697
00:32:29,208 --> 00:32:31,123
I-I-I, I may not
know you very well,
698
00:32:31,166 --> 00:32:33,429
but I thought we could start off
this relationship
699
00:32:33,473 --> 00:32:35,692
with at least some mutual
respect for each other.
700
00:32:35,736 --> 00:32:37,825
If you don't know me,
how could you respect me?
701
00:32:37,868 --> 00:32:39,870
Because I respect you
as a human being, as a woman.
702
00:32:39,914 --> 00:32:42,873
I-I-I do respect that,
yes, I do.
703
00:32:42,917 --> 00:32:44,832
30,000 sexy guys
in New York City,
704
00:32:44,875 --> 00:32:46,225
I get a guy that respects women.
705
00:32:46,268 --> 00:32:47,704
Can I pour this myself?
706
00:32:47,748 --> 00:32:49,532
I promise I won't
go past the pencil mark.
707
00:32:49,576 --> 00:32:52,492
Is it possible that you're
actually as cold as you sound?
708
00:32:52,535 --> 00:32:54,537
I need gloves
to take off my underwear.
709
00:32:54,581 --> 00:32:55,625
Flippant, wise and cold.
710
00:32:55,669 --> 00:32:57,105
You don't permit yourself
711
00:32:57,149 --> 00:32:59,020
to be honest and open
for a minute, do you?
712
00:32:59,064 --> 00:33:01,153
Barney, I'm going
to give you one free hint
713
00:33:01,196 --> 00:33:03,242
so the afternoon
isn't a total write-off.
714
00:33:03,285 --> 00:33:05,026
If you want undying love
and romance,
715
00:33:05,070 --> 00:33:06,593
take a guitar and go to Spain.
716
00:33:06,636 --> 00:33:08,856
I'm leaving, for good.
717
00:33:08,899 --> 00:33:10,858
My peak has ebbed.
718
00:33:10,901 --> 00:33:12,991
Cold, callous and unemotional.
719
00:33:13,034 --> 00:33:14,688
Those are my attorneys.
You know where to get
in touch with them.
720
00:33:14,731 --> 00:33:16,385
Forgive me for saying so,
721
00:33:16,429 --> 00:33:17,691
but it's pretty frightening way
of going through life.
722
00:33:17,734 --> 00:33:18,909
You're forgiven.
723
00:33:18,953 --> 00:33:20,868
Frightening, sad
and pitiful.
724
00:33:23,392 --> 00:33:26,917
You soul-searching,
finger-smelling hypocrite.
725
00:33:26,961 --> 00:33:29,007
Who are you to tell anybody
how to go through life?
726
00:33:29,050 --> 00:33:30,573
What would you have done
if I came in here
727
00:33:30,617 --> 00:33:32,401
all fluttery and blushing
and, "Oh, Mr. Cashman,
728
00:33:32,445 --> 00:33:34,229
don't put your hand there,
I'm a married woman"?
729
00:33:34,273 --> 00:33:36,927
Would you have told me how much
you admired me? Respect me?
730
00:33:36,971 --> 00:33:38,799
And at the moment
of truth, even love me?
731
00:33:38,842 --> 00:33:41,193
You know damn well, tomorrow
you'll be back behind
732
00:33:41,236 --> 00:33:43,717
that counter opening your clams
and oysters and praying to God
733
00:33:43,760 --> 00:33:45,806
I never come back
into your restaurant.
734
00:33:45,849 --> 00:33:47,721
And you know something,
that's the way it should be.
735
00:33:47,764 --> 00:33:50,680
Forgive me for the terrible,
sinful thing I'm about to say,
736
00:33:50,724 --> 00:33:53,640
but I happen to like the pure,
physical act of making love.
737
00:33:53,683 --> 00:33:55,946
It warms me, it stimulates me
738
00:33:55,990 --> 00:33:57,339
and it makes me
feel like a woman.
739
00:33:57,383 --> 00:33:59,428
But that's another ugly story.
740
00:33:59,472 --> 00:34:01,039
That's what I
came up here for,
741
00:34:01,082 --> 00:34:02,431
and that's what you
were expecting.
742
00:34:02,475 --> 00:34:03,780
I don't know about
your problems.
743
00:34:03,824 --> 00:34:05,391
I don't care.
744
00:34:05,434 --> 00:34:08,698
Keep your savory salmon
sauté stories to yourself.
745
00:34:08,742 --> 00:34:10,178
Nobody really cares
about anything
746
00:34:10,222 --> 00:34:12,093
or anyone in this world
except himself,
747
00:34:12,137 --> 00:34:14,443
and there's only one way to get
through it with your sanity.
748
00:34:14,487 --> 00:34:17,272
If you can't taste it,
touch it or smell it, forget it.
749
00:34:17,316 --> 00:34:19,100
You want a copy of that speech,
750
00:34:19,144 --> 00:34:20,971
send 25 cents and
a self-addressed envelope.
751
00:34:21,015 --> 00:34:22,060
Please
don't go yet.
752
00:34:22,103 --> 00:34:23,191
Wait five more minutes.
753
00:34:23,235 --> 00:34:24,453
It's getting late.
754
00:34:24,497 --> 00:34:25,933
I have to feed
the lion at 6:00.
755
00:34:27,761 --> 00:34:29,589
If I have to lock you in,
I'm going to lock you in.
756
00:34:29,632 --> 00:34:32,157
You saw me opening clams, you
know I'm stronger than you.
757
00:34:32,200 --> 00:34:33,810
Well, wouldn't you know it.
758
00:34:33,854 --> 00:34:36,161
Quarter of 4:00 and you finally
show me some brute force.
759
00:34:38,989 --> 00:34:40,469
Just sit there.
760
00:34:40,513 --> 00:34:42,602
Don't talk, don't cough,
don't breathe.
761
00:34:42,645 --> 00:34:44,647
Just sit there and shut up
until I tell you you can go.
762
00:34:44,691 --> 00:34:46,345
If I get nothing else
from you this afternoon,
763
00:34:46,388 --> 00:34:48,260
it's going to be your undivided
goddamned attention.
764
00:34:53,352 --> 00:34:55,136
Excuse me.
765
00:35:02,883 --> 00:35:05,320
I'm sure it will not be
a shock for you to find out
766
00:35:05,364 --> 00:35:08,541
that you are my first attempt
at extramarital affair
767
00:35:08,584 --> 00:35:11,544
in 22 years of marriage.
768
00:35:11,587 --> 00:35:14,373
I got married at the age of 23,
after having gone steady
769
00:35:14,416 --> 00:35:17,941
with the same girl
since I was 16 years old.
770
00:35:17,985 --> 00:35:21,031
And how many experiences with
other women do you think I had
771
00:35:21,075 --> 00:35:23,469
prior to getting married?
772
00:35:23,512 --> 00:35:25,775
One.
773
00:35:25,819 --> 00:35:28,865
I had one shot at it.
774
00:35:28,909 --> 00:35:31,129
When I was 18, my brother
took me to an apartment
775
00:35:31,172 --> 00:35:33,783
in Newark, New Jersey,
where I consorted with
776
00:35:33,827 --> 00:35:37,744
a 44-year-old woman who greeted
me lying naked on a brass bed
777
00:35:37,787 --> 00:35:40,964
reading a movie magazine.
778
00:35:41,008 --> 00:35:45,055
It cost me $7.00
and I threw up all night long.
779
00:35:45,099 --> 00:35:48,537
In the next three days,
I took 12 baths, nine showers,
780
00:35:48,581 --> 00:35:51,236
and I didn't touch anybody
in my family for two months.
781
00:35:53,803 --> 00:35:56,545
I don't smoke, I don't gamble,
782
00:35:56,589 --> 00:35:58,634
and you've had more
to drink this afternoon
783
00:35:58,678 --> 00:36:01,159
than I've had in my entire life.
784
00:36:08,209 --> 00:36:11,081
I have never had
a car accident.
785
00:36:11,125 --> 00:36:13,997
I've never had
a broken bone.
786
00:36:14,041 --> 00:36:16,870
I have never had
a temperature over 102.
787
00:36:16,913 --> 00:36:19,264
Life has not only
been very kind to me,
788
00:36:19,307 --> 00:36:21,527
it goes out of its
way to ignore me.
789
00:36:21,570 --> 00:36:23,964
I have three children
I'm very proud of.
790
00:36:24,007 --> 00:36:26,445
I have a wife who's kind,
considerate, devoted to me
791
00:36:26,488 --> 00:36:29,448
and who I happen
to love!
792
00:36:29,491 --> 00:36:31,232
So, why, after
22 years of marriage,
793
00:36:31,276 --> 00:36:34,061
do I write my mother's address
on the back of a check,
794
00:36:34,104 --> 00:36:36,063
buy a bottle of scotch
and two glasses
795
00:36:36,106 --> 00:36:37,978
and pray to God
I never get caught?!
796
00:36:38,021 --> 00:36:40,502
Why?!
I'll tell you why!
797
00:36:40,546 --> 00:36:41,982
I don't knowwhy!
798
00:36:42,025 --> 00:36:45,681
I've never had
the urge before!
799
00:36:45,725 --> 00:36:47,161
Well...
800
00:36:47,205 --> 00:36:50,033
Well, that's not true.
801
00:36:50,077 --> 00:36:52,732
I started getting the urge
about two years ago.
802
00:36:54,734 --> 00:36:56,431
I'm 45 years old,
803
00:36:56,475 --> 00:36:58,912
and for the first time in
my life, I think about dying.
804
00:37:00,392 --> 00:37:02,089
I read the obituaries every day,
805
00:37:02,132 --> 00:37:05,048
just for the satisfaction
of not seeing my name there.
806
00:37:05,092 --> 00:37:07,268
I constantly think about it,
what it's going to be like,
807
00:37:07,312 --> 00:37:10,053
how I'm going to bear up
under it.
808
00:37:10,097 --> 00:37:12,665
You know, I even practice dying.
809
00:37:12,708 --> 00:37:14,580
I lay there in bed at night,
810
00:37:14,623 --> 00:37:17,278
and I try to feel myself
slipping away.
811
00:37:17,322 --> 00:37:19,759
I let my head fall over
to one side,
812
00:37:19,802 --> 00:37:21,935
then I let out my last breath.
813
00:37:24,633 --> 00:37:26,156
Then I jump up
and rush to the bathroom
814
00:37:26,200 --> 00:37:27,549
and take two sleeping pills,
815
00:37:27,593 --> 00:37:29,029
because I'm up
the rest of the night
816
00:37:29,072 --> 00:37:30,639
sacred out of my wits.
817
00:37:32,380 --> 00:37:35,340
But it's inevitable,
it's going to happen.
818
00:37:35,383 --> 00:37:37,167
And I say to myself, I say,
819
00:37:37,211 --> 00:37:39,605
"Barney, have you
reallyenjoyed it?
820
00:37:39,648 --> 00:37:42,172
Has it really been
a terrific life?"
821
00:37:42,216 --> 00:37:45,306
And I answer, I say,
"Well, I wouldn't say terrific.
822
00:37:45,350 --> 00:37:47,134
It's been nice."
823
00:37:47,177 --> 00:37:49,658
The sum total
of my existence is "nice."
824
00:37:49,702 --> 00:37:52,966
I shall go to my grave
having lived a nicelife.
825
00:37:53,009 --> 00:37:54,794
And they will bury me
in my niceblue suit.
826
00:37:54,837 --> 00:37:56,752
And my wife will weep for me
and mourn for me
827
00:37:56,796 --> 00:37:58,928
and maybe in six months marry
another nicefella,
828
00:37:58,972 --> 00:38:01,757
maybe give him
my brown sports jacket.
829
00:38:01,801 --> 00:38:04,194
And I-I wouldn't condemn her
for it.
830
00:38:04,238 --> 00:38:05,544
It's inevitable.
831
00:38:05,587 --> 00:38:08,068
It's the natural order
of things.
832
00:38:08,111 --> 00:38:10,940
But while it's going on,
couldn't it be more than nice?!
833
00:38:10,984 --> 00:38:13,291
Couldn't I just once
have something in my life
834
00:38:13,334 --> 00:38:14,988
besides just opening
my restaurant
835
00:38:15,031 --> 00:38:16,206
every morning at 11:00?
836
00:38:16,250 --> 00:38:17,469
Couldn't I
once give in
837
00:38:17,512 --> 00:38:19,297
to my secret dreams,
my fantasies?
838
00:38:19,340 --> 00:38:20,994
Experience things?
839
00:38:21,037 --> 00:38:23,779
Stimulants, emotions
I've never experienced before?
840
00:38:23,823 --> 00:38:27,043
I've wanted to see what it
was like with another woman.
841
00:38:27,087 --> 00:38:29,394
Would I be successful?
842
00:38:29,437 --> 00:38:31,744
Would she like me?
Would I like the touch of her?
843
00:38:31,787 --> 00:38:34,529
A thousand questions
I've never been able to answer
844
00:38:34,573 --> 00:38:37,793
if suddenly my name was on
that obituary tomorrow morning.
845
00:38:37,837 --> 00:38:40,013
So, I started looking around...
846
00:38:42,189 --> 00:38:43,669
but I promise you,
847
00:38:43,712 --> 00:38:46,498
with all intentions
of having just one affair,
848
00:38:46,541 --> 00:38:49,936
just one day of pleasure,
and that's all.
849
00:38:49,979 --> 00:38:53,287
But if it was going to be
one day,
850
00:38:53,331 --> 00:38:55,333
then I wanted it
to be something that would
851
00:38:55,376 --> 00:38:56,508
last me the
rest of my life.
852
00:38:56,551 --> 00:38:59,293
Not cheap, not sordid.
853
00:38:59,337 --> 00:39:02,383
Then I'll go back
to opening the restaurant
854
00:39:02,427 --> 00:39:04,037
every morning at 11:00,
855
00:39:04,080 --> 00:39:06,822
but knowing that,
for one brief moment,
856
00:39:06,866 --> 00:39:10,043
I had somehow changed
the pattern of my life.
857
00:39:10,086 --> 00:39:13,394
And that for once,
I didn't just exist.
858
00:39:13,438 --> 00:39:15,570
That I lived.
859
00:39:19,008 --> 00:39:20,706
I was going to cry
in the middle,
860
00:39:20,749 --> 00:39:22,795
but I didn't want to wet
your mother's carpet.
861
00:39:24,710 --> 00:39:26,625
Well, I was hoping
you would understand,
862
00:39:26,668 --> 00:39:28,191
but I didn't really expect it.
863
00:39:28,235 --> 00:39:30,455
No, listen, it was
terrifically entertaining.
864
00:39:30,498 --> 00:39:31,804
I really enjoyed it.
865
00:39:31,847 --> 00:39:34,023
There's just one or two reasons,
though,
866
00:39:34,067 --> 00:39:36,765
why I couldn't feel
too sympathetic for the hero.
867
00:39:36,809 --> 00:39:39,202
In the first place,
there's a very good possibility
868
00:39:39,246 --> 00:39:41,553
that that 44-year-old woman
in Newark, New Jersey,
869
00:39:41,596 --> 00:39:43,511
was my mother.
870
00:39:43,555 --> 00:39:45,383
That'll give you some idea
of my background.
871
00:39:45,426 --> 00:39:47,167
And in the second place,
872
00:39:47,210 --> 00:39:49,865
any man who expects to have
a memorable and enchanting day
873
00:39:49,909 --> 00:39:52,694
of honest love with a woman
he picks up in a fish restaurant
874
00:39:52,738 --> 00:39:55,436
is either sexually retarded
or a latent idiot.
875
00:39:55,480 --> 00:39:56,916
And in the third place,
876
00:39:56,959 --> 00:39:59,397
no one gives a good crap
about you dying,
877
00:39:59,440 --> 00:40:01,529
because a lot of people
discovered it ahead of you.
878
00:40:01,573 --> 00:40:04,271
We're all dying, Mr. Cashman.
879
00:40:04,314 --> 00:40:06,404
I passed away
about six months ago, myself.
880
00:40:06,447 --> 00:40:07,666
I'm just hanging around
881
00:40:07,709 --> 00:40:09,450
to clean up
some business affairs.
882
00:40:09,494 --> 00:40:10,843
Together, Barney,
we blew
883
00:40:10,886 --> 00:40:12,932
one of the very few
free afternoons
884
00:40:12,975 --> 00:40:15,064
we have allotted to us
in this life.
885
00:40:15,108 --> 00:40:16,544
I'm not putting
the blame on you.
886
00:40:16,588 --> 00:40:18,285
Serves me right.
If I'd had a craving
887
00:40:18,328 --> 00:40:20,461
for corned beef and cabbage
instead of halibut,
888
00:40:20,505 --> 00:40:22,507
I'd be in some big
Irishman's apartment now,
889
00:40:22,550 --> 00:40:23,812
having the time of my life.
890
00:40:23,856 --> 00:40:25,945
C'est la vie.
891
00:40:25,988 --> 00:40:29,165
Good luck, Barney, in your quest
for the impossible dream.
892
00:40:29,209 --> 00:40:30,863
And please, God, let there be
893
00:40:30,906 --> 00:40:32,734
a cigarette machine
in the lobby.
894
00:40:38,914 --> 00:40:45,443
I will never, never,
neverdo that again.
895
00:40:54,582 --> 00:40:56,976
I'm up.
I'm alive another day.
896
00:40:57,019 --> 00:40:58,630
Thank you, God.
Amen.
897
00:41:00,632 --> 00:41:02,155
Feels hot out.
898
00:41:02,198 --> 00:41:04,592
God forbid the air conditioner
breaks down.
899
00:41:06,551 --> 00:41:08,030
Can you believe a woman
900
00:41:08,074 --> 00:41:10,511
has slept in that position
22 years?
901
00:41:10,555 --> 00:41:11,991
Never turns.
902
00:41:12,034 --> 00:41:13,601
Maybe it's not even her.
903
00:41:13,645 --> 00:41:15,603
I'll look tomorrow.
904
00:41:29,878 --> 00:41:31,532
Me again.
905
00:41:31,576 --> 00:41:33,229
:
Always me.
906
00:41:33,273 --> 00:41:35,014
I can't get a break.
907
00:41:59,386 --> 00:42:01,997
Another beauty
to drive me crazy all day.
908
00:42:06,741 --> 00:42:08,787
Who's she waving at?
Couldn't be me.
909
00:42:08,830 --> 00:42:10,440
God doesn't like me that much.
910
00:42:18,361 --> 00:42:20,146
All right, all right!
911
00:42:20,189 --> 00:42:23,062
Don't get excited, Barney,
but maybe this is it!
912
00:42:23,105 --> 00:42:24,629
Maybe this is it!
913
00:42:24,672 --> 00:42:26,195
Hello, there.
Can I help you?
914
00:42:26,239 --> 00:42:28,502
You've got a flat tire.
915
00:42:44,779 --> 00:42:46,912
Pull it over, pull it over.
916
00:42:46,955 --> 00:42:49,392
I have a flat!
917
00:42:51,873 --> 00:42:52,831
Sorry.
918
00:42:58,488 --> 00:43:00,055
Oh, hello, Mrs. Cashman.
919
00:43:01,666 --> 00:43:03,711
I'm sorry,
I can't hear you very well.
920
00:43:03,755 --> 00:43:05,234
It's a madhouse in here.
921
00:43:05,278 --> 00:43:07,193
The air conditioner broke down.
922
00:43:07,236 --> 00:43:10,675
No, Mr. Cashman just stepped out
for a little fresh air.
923
00:43:10,718 --> 00:43:13,286
He wasn't feeling
very well today.
924
00:43:16,376 --> 00:43:18,813
Flat tire and a broken air
conditioner in one day?
925
00:43:18,857 --> 00:43:20,423
A man's entitled
to an hour off.
926
00:43:31,696 --> 00:43:32,871
Is anyone sitting here?
927
00:43:32,914 --> 00:43:34,437
No, no, nobody's
sitting here.
928
00:43:34,481 --> 00:43:35,830
Thank you.
929
00:43:35,874 --> 00:43:37,615
It's empty, all empty.
930
00:43:44,143 --> 00:43:45,535
Do you have the time?
931
00:43:45,579 --> 00:43:46,841
Yes, I do.
932
00:43:46,885 --> 00:43:48,060
Oh, the time.
933
00:43:48,103 --> 00:43:49,496
Yes... uh, it's,
uh, 20 after.
934
00:43:49,539 --> 00:43:50,497
After what?
935
00:43:50,540 --> 00:43:51,585
After what...?
936
00:43:51,629 --> 00:43:53,326
1:00! 20 after 1:00
is the time.
937
00:43:53,369 --> 00:43:54,501
Thank you.
938
00:43:54,544 --> 00:43:56,764
It's my complete pleasure.
939
00:44:06,382 --> 00:44:07,862
Don't start in.
940
00:44:07,906 --> 00:44:10,822
Remember the last time.
941
00:44:13,215 --> 00:44:14,477
Beautiful day, isn't it?
942
00:44:14,521 --> 00:44:15,565
You think so?
943
00:44:15,609 --> 00:44:16,741
Oh, yes, I do.
944
00:44:16,784 --> 00:44:19,308
I... I was just
saying to myself
945
00:44:19,352 --> 00:44:21,746
what a beautiful day
this is.
946
00:44:21,789 --> 00:44:24,531
Would you... would you care
for a fresh-roasted peanut?
947
00:44:24,574 --> 00:44:26,489
That's very kind of you.
Thank you, no.
948
00:44:31,320 --> 00:44:33,366
Are you waiting for anyone?
949
00:44:33,409 --> 00:44:35,585
I thought I saw somebody
follow me into the park.
950
00:44:35,629 --> 00:44:36,804
I didn't like his looks.
951
00:44:36,848 --> 00:44:38,806
Oh, you have to be
so careful these days.
952
00:44:38,850 --> 00:44:40,721
Especially somebody
that looks like you.
953
00:44:40,765 --> 00:44:42,854
You sure you wouldn't care
for a peanut?
954
00:44:42,897 --> 00:44:45,639
Well, maybe just one.
955
00:44:45,683 --> 00:44:48,686
I wasn't sure what you
had in mind at first.
956
00:44:50,470 --> 00:44:51,819
But you seem
all right to me.
957
00:44:51,863 --> 00:44:53,473
Oh, I am.
I'm, uh, very nice.
958
00:44:53,516 --> 00:44:54,561
I'm all right.
959
00:44:56,215 --> 00:44:58,391
Are you... are you
in the theatrical profession?
960
00:44:58,434 --> 00:44:59,392
How did you guess?
961
00:44:59,435 --> 00:45:00,654
Oh, I don't know.
962
00:45:00,698 --> 00:45:03,352
You're just built
very theatrically.
963
00:45:03,396 --> 00:45:06,704
Bobbi Michele.
I'm a professional singer.
964
00:45:06,747 --> 00:45:08,227
What time is it again?
965
00:45:08,270 --> 00:45:10,838
20 after 1:00.
966
00:45:10,882 --> 00:45:13,841
I've got an audition at
3:00 for a Broadway show.
967
00:45:13,885 --> 00:45:15,756
Oh, that's wonderful.
Good luck.
968
00:45:15,800 --> 00:45:18,498
Except I can't
audition without
an accompanist.
969
00:45:18,541 --> 00:45:20,718
Only you can't get
a good accompanist
970
00:45:20,761 --> 00:45:22,458
these days for
less than $20.
971
00:45:22,502 --> 00:45:25,331
Only I can't get my
hands on $20 before 3:00,
972
00:45:25,374 --> 00:45:28,290
because my agent is in
Bermuda getting married.
973
00:45:29,639 --> 00:45:31,250
I'm just out of
luck, I guess.
974
00:45:31,293 --> 00:45:34,383
Which is the way
the breaks have been
going for me lately.
975
00:45:34,427 --> 00:45:36,734
If you want to
believe that sad story.
976
00:45:36,777 --> 00:45:37,909
Oh, I do, I do.
977
00:45:37,952 --> 00:45:39,693
That's a... that's a shame.
978
00:45:39,737 --> 00:45:43,349
Well, at least I've met
someone in New York
979
00:45:43,392 --> 00:45:45,525
I'm not afraid
to talk to.
980
00:45:47,353 --> 00:45:50,573
Well, I've got to
rustle up $20 somewhere.
981
00:45:50,617 --> 00:45:51,879
It was nice
talking to you.
982
00:45:51,923 --> 00:45:53,402
Yes, very nice
to talk to you.
983
00:45:53,446 --> 00:45:54,534
Thanks for
the peanut.
984
00:45:54,577 --> 00:45:55,883
Oh, you're-you're welcome.
985
00:45:55,927 --> 00:45:56,884
Bye.
986
00:45:56,928 --> 00:45:58,233
Bye.
987
00:45:58,277 --> 00:46:00,583
You jerk!
You stupid, dumb jerk!
988
00:46:00,627 --> 00:46:02,281
Why didn't you say something?!
989
00:46:02,324 --> 00:46:03,804
You'll never have
a chance like that again
990
00:46:03,848 --> 00:46:05,850
if you live to be a thousand!
991
00:46:05,893 --> 00:46:07,329
Excuse me?Oh, hello!
992
00:46:07,373 --> 00:46:09,331
Nice to see you again.
993
00:46:11,943 --> 00:46:14,336
Can I ask you a
personal question?
994
00:46:14,380 --> 00:46:16,382
Yes, as personal
as you like.
995
00:46:21,779 --> 00:46:23,737
We don't know each
other, is that right?
996
00:46:23,781 --> 00:46:25,086
No... I... uh, no.
997
00:46:25,130 --> 00:46:26,784
I mean, I've never
seen you before,
998
00:46:26,827 --> 00:46:28,089
and you've never
seen me before.
999
00:46:28,133 --> 00:46:29,438
No, no, I swear.
1000
00:46:29,482 --> 00:46:32,267
I-I've never seen you
or you me before.
1001
00:46:32,311 --> 00:46:35,705
So, what I'm going to
ask you may seem strange,
1002
00:46:35,749 --> 00:46:39,274
and I would not be
offended if you
were to say no.
1003
00:46:39,318 --> 00:46:42,887
Well, I might not say no.
Why don't you ask me?
1004
00:46:42,930 --> 00:46:46,978
Well, this audition is
very important to me.
1005
00:46:47,021 --> 00:46:49,937
It's the lead in
a new, big musical.
1006
00:46:49,981 --> 00:46:54,942
Now, if you were to lend
me, a total stranger,
1007
00:46:54,986 --> 00:46:58,293
the $20 to get
the accompanist,
1008
00:46:58,337 --> 00:47:02,776
I promise you,
and I cross
my heart...
1009
00:47:04,778 --> 00:47:08,129
I will come tomorrow to
your place of business
1010
00:47:08,173 --> 00:47:09,914
or wherever you live--
1011
00:47:09,957 --> 00:47:13,047
your house or
your apartment--
1012
00:47:13,091 --> 00:47:16,616
and I will repay you
the $20, plus...
1013
00:47:16,659 --> 00:47:20,838
give you my undying gratitude
1014
00:47:20,881 --> 00:47:22,752
and express to you
1015
00:47:22,796 --> 00:47:27,322
my deepest
and sincerest appreciation.
1016
00:47:27,366 --> 00:47:29,063
What would you say to that?
1017
00:47:29,107 --> 00:47:30,543
Take $30.
1018
00:47:30,586 --> 00:47:32,327
You'll-you'll need
cab fare.
1019
00:47:32,371 --> 00:47:34,025
Thank you.
1020
00:48:42,528 --> 00:48:43,964
Hmm.
1021
00:49:23,351 --> 00:49:24,352
Hello, Harriet?
1022
00:49:24,396 --> 00:49:25,440
Mr. Cashman.
1023
00:49:25,484 --> 00:49:27,007
I'm in the barbershop, Harriet.
1024
00:49:29,183 --> 00:49:30,445
My chair is ready, Harriet.
1025
00:49:30,489 --> 00:49:31,533
I'll speak to you later.
1026
00:49:38,192 --> 00:49:40,064
Amen.
1027
00:49:40,107 --> 00:49:42,283
Oh, thank God,
air conditioning.
1028
00:49:42,327 --> 00:49:44,764
You know, it's
130 degrees outside.
1029
00:49:44,807 --> 00:49:46,374
I almost passed out twice.
1030
00:49:46,418 --> 00:49:48,028
Hi. Bobbi Michele.Hello.
1031
00:49:48,072 --> 00:49:49,203
We met in the park
yesterday.
1032
00:49:49,247 --> 00:49:50,857
Yes, yes, certainly.
Come in, come in.
1033
00:49:50,900 --> 00:49:52,467
I was wandering
up and down the hall.
1034
00:49:52,511 --> 00:49:53,816
All these apartments
look alike.
1035
00:49:53,860 --> 00:49:54,861
Oh, this is nice.
1036
00:49:54,904 --> 00:49:56,297
I like this.
1037
00:49:56,341 --> 00:49:58,821
I wasn't sure
I'd be here on time.
1038
00:49:58,865 --> 00:50:01,476
I just got through
with my audition.
1039
00:50:01,520 --> 00:50:03,261
Oh, God, that's better.
1040
00:50:03,304 --> 00:50:05,306
I did get the
accompanist, and I...
1041
00:50:05,350 --> 00:50:06,829
I did get the
accompanist,
1042
00:50:06,873 --> 00:50:09,484
and I am here personally
to thank you for it.
1043
00:50:09,528 --> 00:50:11,443
But here I am
talking and talking
1044
00:50:11,486 --> 00:50:13,575
and I really haven't
even said hello yet.
1045
00:50:13,619 --> 00:50:14,576
Hello.
1046
00:50:14,620 --> 00:50:15,577
Hello.
1047
00:50:15,621 --> 00:50:17,014
Hello.
Remember me?
1048
00:50:17,057 --> 00:50:18,363
I certainly do.
1049
00:50:18,406 --> 00:50:19,755
God, I talk a lot
when I get nervous.
1050
00:50:19,799 --> 00:50:20,756
Have you noticed that?
1051
00:50:20,800 --> 00:50:21,844
Are you...
are you nervous?
1052
00:50:21,888 --> 00:50:23,063
Oh, not about you.
1053
00:50:23,107 --> 00:50:24,369
I just had a terrible
experience
1054
00:50:24,412 --> 00:50:25,935
with the cab driver.
1055
00:50:25,979 --> 00:50:27,111
Well, listen, I don't
want to go into it.
1056
00:50:27,154 --> 00:50:28,112
No, no, what happened?
1057
00:50:28,155 --> 00:50:29,722
He wanted to make it
with me
1058
00:50:29,765 --> 00:50:32,029
under the Manhattan Bridge
during his lunch hour.
1059
00:50:32,072 --> 00:50:33,769
Well, can we just
not talk about it?
1060
00:50:33,813 --> 00:50:34,857
I must look awful.
1061
00:50:34,901 --> 00:50:37,338
No, not at all.
You look lovely.
1062
00:50:37,382 --> 00:50:38,818
Oh, I don't.
1063
00:50:38,861 --> 00:50:41,516
Give me three minutes,
I'll dazzle you.
1064
00:50:41,560 --> 00:50:42,952
Did you get shorter?
1065
00:50:42,996 --> 00:50:44,737
Shorter? Since yesterday?
1066
00:50:44,780 --> 00:50:46,478
Why do you look shorter?
1067
00:50:46,521 --> 00:50:47,696
I don't know, uh...
1068
00:50:47,740 --> 00:50:49,176
sometimes a blue suit.
1069
00:50:49,220 --> 00:50:50,525
Flats.
Flats?
1070
00:50:50,569 --> 00:50:51,918
I was wearing
flats yesterday.
1071
00:50:51,961 --> 00:50:53,702
I put on heels
for the audition today.
1072
00:50:53,746 --> 00:50:55,530
You didn't get shorter,
I got taller.
1073
00:50:55,574 --> 00:50:57,576
I'm goofy today.
1074
00:50:57,619 --> 00:50:59,534
Must be the heat.
1075
00:50:59,578 --> 00:51:01,101
No, no, I think
you're charming.
1076
00:51:01,145 --> 00:51:02,233
Oh, I know
I'm charming,
1077
00:51:02,276 --> 00:51:03,538
but I'm also
a goofball,
1078
00:51:03,582 --> 00:51:05,192
which I think is
part of my charm.
1079
00:51:05,236 --> 00:51:06,454
No, I think, you're...
1080
00:51:06,498 --> 00:51:07,673
I'm very open
about things.
1081
00:51:07,716 --> 00:51:09,283
Open, open.
1082
00:51:09,327 --> 00:51:11,285
That's why I'm always
getting myself into trouble.
1083
00:51:11,329 --> 00:51:12,417
I love that mustache.Thank you.
1084
00:51:12,460 --> 00:51:13,722
When did you grow that?
1085
00:51:13,766 --> 00:51:14,897
Oh, about four years ago.
1086
00:51:14,941 --> 00:51:16,334
Are you sure?
1087
00:51:16,377 --> 00:51:17,987
I didn't notice a
mustache yesterday.
1088
00:51:18,031 --> 00:51:19,076
Oh, yes, it was there.
1089
00:51:19,119 --> 00:51:20,251
It's always there.
1090
00:51:20,294 --> 00:51:21,382
Then who did I meet
yesterday
1091
00:51:21,426 --> 00:51:22,383
without a mustache?
1092
00:51:22,427 --> 00:51:23,689
I don't really know.
1093
00:51:23,732 --> 00:51:26,213
Well, I can't
think straight.
1094
00:51:26,257 --> 00:51:27,823
Back in New York
three days
1095
00:51:27,867 --> 00:51:29,129
and this is
what happens.
1096
00:51:30,174 --> 00:51:31,262
Can I have a drink?
1097
00:51:31,305 --> 00:51:32,872
Yes.
1098
00:51:32,915 --> 00:51:35,004
What would you like,
vodka, scotch...?
1099
00:51:35,048 --> 00:51:36,745
♪ Ah!
1100
00:51:36,789 --> 00:51:38,965
Can you imagine the nerve
of that cab driver?
1101
00:51:39,008 --> 00:51:40,923
I wrote his name down:
Max Shoenstein.
1102
00:51:40,967 --> 00:51:42,925
I was going to report
him to the police,
1103
00:51:42,969 --> 00:51:44,101
but he started to cry.
1104
00:51:44,144 --> 00:51:45,450
Tears pouring
down his face.
1105
00:51:45,493 --> 00:51:46,929
I thought his cigar
would go out.
1106
00:51:46,973 --> 00:51:48,366
Then he pleaded
with me.
1107
00:51:48,409 --> 00:51:50,716
He's married 27 years,
with a son in Vietnam,
1108
00:51:50,759 --> 00:51:52,413
and that he didn't
mean any harm.
1109
00:51:52,457 --> 00:51:53,762
And I felt sorry for him.
1110
00:51:53,806 --> 00:51:55,416
So I said I wouldn't
report him.
1111
00:51:55,460 --> 00:51:57,766
So he thanked me
and asked me to reconsider
1112
00:51:57,810 --> 00:51:59,464
going under
the Manhattan Bridge.
1113
00:52:00,813 --> 00:52:03,424
How do I look, better?
1114
00:52:03,468 --> 00:52:04,730
Marvelous.
1115
00:52:04,773 --> 00:52:06,253
Nothing for me, thanks.
1116
00:52:06,297 --> 00:52:08,255
It happens to me
all the time.
1117
00:52:08,299 --> 00:52:09,909
Coming in on the plane
from California,
1118
00:52:09,952 --> 00:52:11,171
the man sitting
next to me
1119
00:52:11,215 --> 00:52:12,520
kept feeling me up
all during the movie.
1120
00:52:12,564 --> 00:52:13,913
He was feeling you?
1121
00:52:13,956 --> 00:52:15,306
Well, he said he was looking
for the dial
1122
00:52:15,349 --> 00:52:17,351
to turn up the volume.
1123
00:52:17,395 --> 00:52:19,048
Oh, is this
your terrace?
1124
00:52:20,789 --> 00:52:22,182
Why didn't you
say something to him?
1125
00:52:22,226 --> 00:52:23,270
Well, he was Chinese.
1126
00:52:23,314 --> 00:52:25,272
I didn't want
to seem bigoted.
1127
00:52:25,316 --> 00:52:26,926
Then he has the nerve
to call me
1128
00:52:26,969 --> 00:52:29,450
in the middle of the night,
some strange Chinaman.
1129
00:52:29,494 --> 00:52:30,756
How'd he get
your number?
1130
00:52:30,799 --> 00:52:32,236
I don't know.
1131
00:52:32,279 --> 00:52:33,672
I must've given it to him
or something.
1132
00:52:33,715 --> 00:52:36,936
Look, it's over.
Let's forget it.
1133
00:52:36,979 --> 00:52:38,503
Am I talking too much?
1134
00:52:38,546 --> 00:52:40,722
No, no, no.
Those are incredible stories.
1135
00:52:40,766 --> 00:52:42,202
Could I have
a drink please?
1136
00:52:42,246 --> 00:52:43,899
A drink--
what a good idea.
1137
00:52:46,293 --> 00:52:48,817
I don't know why
they single me out.
1138
00:52:48,861 --> 00:52:51,255
I'm always getting these
obscene telephone calls.
1139
00:52:51,298 --> 00:52:53,082
There's an awful lot
of that around.
1140
00:52:53,126 --> 00:52:54,171
So what'll it be?
1141
00:52:54,214 --> 00:52:55,737
I get these calls
wherever I go.
1142
00:52:55,781 --> 00:52:57,696
Once, I wasn't home,
they left an obscene message.
1143
00:52:57,739 --> 00:52:59,001
My goodness.
1144
00:52:59,045 --> 00:53:01,569
Ugh, I hate
soft centers, mm.
1145
00:53:01,613 --> 00:53:02,657
What time is it?
1146
00:53:02,701 --> 00:53:04,181
I have to make
a call.
1147
00:53:04,224 --> 00:53:05,530
May I?
1148
00:53:05,573 --> 00:53:07,096
I don't have one on me.
1149
00:53:07,140 --> 00:53:09,142
So what is it,
vodka, scotch?
1150
00:53:09,186 --> 00:53:11,840
What do you
do, anyway--
for a living?
1151
00:53:11,884 --> 00:53:13,451
Oh, uh, I'm a writer.
1152
00:53:13,494 --> 00:53:15,061
I write sea stories.
1153
00:53:15,104 --> 00:53:16,845
I knew a writer
in California.
1154
00:53:16,889 --> 00:53:18,151
A registered weirdo.
1155
00:53:18,195 --> 00:53:20,501
He used to write
pornographic movies.
1156
00:53:20,545 --> 00:53:22,547
You know,
Sex Family Robinson.
1157
00:53:22,590 --> 00:53:25,158
Tom Swift and his
Incredible Thing.
1158
00:53:25,202 --> 00:53:28,161
I mean, even the perverts
were embarrassed.
1159
00:53:28,205 --> 00:53:29,641
I thought I was in love with him
1160
00:53:29,684 --> 00:53:31,251
until I found out
he was deranged.
1161
00:53:31,295 --> 00:53:32,644
The things he wanted
me to do.
1162
00:53:32,687 --> 00:53:34,036
Like what?
1163
00:53:34,080 --> 00:53:35,255
She hears the phone.
1164
00:53:35,299 --> 00:53:36,604
She's just
a lazy bitch.
1165
00:53:36,648 --> 00:53:38,084
I mean, like, what did
he want you to do?
1166
00:53:38,127 --> 00:53:39,651
Oh, I couldn't
tell you.
1167
00:53:39,694 --> 00:53:42,828
I told my analyst, he
went into cardiac arrest.
1168
00:53:42,871 --> 00:53:43,916
No, no, I'm
a mature person.
1169
00:53:43,959 --> 00:53:45,309
I understand
these things.
1170
00:53:45,352 --> 00:53:47,180
So wha-what kind of thing
did he want you to do?
1171
00:53:47,224 --> 00:53:49,530
If I tell you this man
had his teeth sharpened,
1172
00:53:49,574 --> 00:53:51,489
you can fill in
the rest for yourself.
1173
00:53:51,532 --> 00:53:52,577
His teeth? My God.
1174
00:53:52,620 --> 00:53:53,926
Oh, isn't she adorable.
1175
00:53:53,969 --> 00:53:55,101
Who's the little girl?
1176
00:53:55,144 --> 00:53:56,668
That's me.
1177
00:53:56,711 --> 00:53:58,452
But, uh, did you... did you
ever do any of these things,
1178
00:53:58,496 --> 00:53:59,627
these things he
wanted you to...?
1179
00:53:59,671 --> 00:54:01,586
Me? No, never.
Of course not.
1180
00:54:01,629 --> 00:54:03,022
You must be kidding.
1181
00:54:03,065 --> 00:54:05,981
Some... I-I ha-
I had to do some,
1182
00:54:06,025 --> 00:54:07,983
because I was afraid
he was going to kill me.
1183
00:54:08,027 --> 00:54:10,029
I give her five more minutes.
1184
00:54:10,072 --> 00:54:13,162
No, uh, but... you mean
he forced you to
do these things?
1185
00:54:13,206 --> 00:54:14,903
You don't play it
cool with a man
1186
00:54:14,947 --> 00:54:16,688
who just had
his teeth sharpened.
1187
00:54:16,731 --> 00:54:18,516
My God.
1188
00:54:18,559 --> 00:54:20,300
How'd you ever get hooked up
with a guy like that?
1189
00:54:20,344 --> 00:54:21,475
By sheer chance.
1190
00:54:21,519 --> 00:54:22,607
He was living with
my roommate
1191
00:54:22,650 --> 00:54:23,738
and she moved out.
1192
00:54:26,915 --> 00:54:29,788
Oh, hey, did I tell you
about my audition?
1193
00:54:29,831 --> 00:54:31,529
No.
1194
00:54:31,572 --> 00:54:33,531
The roommate
moved out.
1195
00:54:33,574 --> 00:54:35,010
I was fabulous.
1196
00:54:35,054 --> 00:54:36,621
I would've
gotten the part
1197
00:54:36,664 --> 00:54:38,318
except they thought I was
just a little too young.
1198
00:54:38,362 --> 00:54:39,319
What was the part?
1199
00:54:39,363 --> 00:54:40,712
Queen Victoria.
1200
00:54:40,755 --> 00:54:42,844
Anyway, that brings us
to why I'm here.
1201
00:54:42,888 --> 00:54:43,845
I owe you $20.
1202
00:54:43,889 --> 00:54:44,846
Oh, there's
no hurry.
1203
00:54:44,890 --> 00:54:46,065
What do you mean?
1204
00:54:46,108 --> 00:54:47,501
I promised to pay
you back today.
1205
00:54:47,545 --> 00:54:48,720
A promise is a promise.
1206
00:54:48,763 --> 00:54:50,025
Well, all right.
1207
00:54:50,069 --> 00:54:51,244
The thing is I don't
have the money.
1208
00:54:51,288 --> 00:54:52,593
I'm good for
it, though.
1209
00:54:52,637 --> 00:54:54,247
If I don't get a show
in New York,
1210
00:54:54,291 --> 00:54:56,728
I may do a series of one-night
concerts in New Zealand.
1211
00:54:56,771 --> 00:54:58,599
I just wanted to show you
some stills
1212
00:54:58,643 --> 00:54:59,905
from this movie
I was in.
1213
00:54:59,948 --> 00:55:01,907
That's me and my costar
on location.
1214
00:55:01,950 --> 00:55:03,212
It was a cute picture.
1215
00:55:03,256 --> 00:55:05,345
Maybe you saw it:
I Married an Ape.
1216
00:55:05,389 --> 00:55:06,346
No, I missed it.
1217
00:55:06,390 --> 00:55:07,869
I remember missing it.
1218
00:55:07,913 --> 00:55:09,915
It's the same basic
story as Wuthering Heights,
1219
00:55:09,958 --> 00:55:12,221
only they worked in the gorilla
and some surf riders.
1220
00:55:12,265 --> 00:55:13,571
Oh, what a good idea.
1221
00:55:13,614 --> 00:55:15,834
That's me in the bikini,
hee-hee-hee-hee.
1222
00:55:15,877 --> 00:55:18,402
And the gorilla's
a wonderful actor
1223
00:55:18,445 --> 00:55:20,099
named Sidney Sessman.
1224
00:55:20,142 --> 00:55:21,970
He just can't get
a break in better parts,
1225
00:55:22,014 --> 00:55:24,408
because he unfortunately
happens to be built that way.
1226
00:55:24,451 --> 00:55:26,323
I will always be
indebted to him though,
1227
00:55:26,366 --> 00:55:28,586
because he was so kind
to me when I had my accident.
1228
00:55:28,629 --> 00:55:29,891
What kind
of an accident?
1229
00:55:29,935 --> 00:55:31,937
I was beaten up by
some Mexican in a motel.
1230
00:55:31,980 --> 00:55:34,592
How I got there
or who the Mexican
was, I'll never know.
1231
00:55:34,635 --> 00:55:36,245
And the police
will never give you
1232
00:55:36,289 --> 00:55:37,725
any information.
1233
00:55:37,769 --> 00:55:39,901
My God, the things
that have happened to you!
1234
00:55:39,945 --> 00:55:41,381
Can you believe this?
1235
00:55:41,425 --> 00:55:42,774
Who you trying
to call?
1236
00:55:42,817 --> 00:55:44,166
My answering service.
1237
00:55:44,210 --> 00:55:46,168
At least she promised
to take messages for me.
1238
00:55:46,212 --> 00:55:48,127
I have the worst
damn luck with roommates.
1239
00:55:48,170 --> 00:55:49,520
Are you living
with somebody now?
1240
00:55:49,563 --> 00:55:51,348
I can't afford
my own place yet,
1241
00:55:51,391 --> 00:55:54,438
so in the meantime,
I'm living with this
Nazi vocal coach.
1242
00:55:54,481 --> 00:55:57,310
She's not just German,
she's actually a Nazi.
1243
00:55:57,354 --> 00:55:58,529
Wears brown shirts, boots,
1244
00:55:58,572 --> 00:56:00,879
combs her hair over
one eye like Hitler.
1245
00:56:00,922 --> 00:56:01,880
Is that right?
1246
00:56:01,923 --> 00:56:03,272
Great vocal coach, though,
1247
00:56:03,316 --> 00:56:03,969
if you don't mind
getting whipped.
1248
00:56:04,012 --> 00:56:05,187
You're not serious.
1249
00:56:05,231 --> 00:56:06,885
Oh, she's weird.
1250
00:56:06,928 --> 00:56:08,582
She has tiny little scars
all across her back
1251
00:56:08,626 --> 00:56:10,671
that spell out her
name: Wilhelmina.
1252
00:56:10,715 --> 00:56:13,021
I mean, a monogram
would've been enough,
don't you think?
1253
00:56:13,065 --> 00:56:14,022
More than enough.
1254
00:56:14,066 --> 00:56:15,546
A real sicko.
1255
00:56:15,589 --> 00:56:19,550
Sleeps in a queen-size bed
in leather pajamas.
1256
00:56:19,593 --> 00:56:21,247
Oh, finally.
1257
00:56:21,290 --> 00:56:23,205
Hello, Willie?
1258
00:56:26,208 --> 00:56:28,733
Nowhere.
With a friend.
1259
00:56:28,776 --> 00:56:30,648
No, it's not
another girl.
1260
00:56:30,691 --> 00:56:32,998
Did the Dick Cavett
Showcall?
1261
00:56:33,041 --> 00:56:34,347
Well, how would
you know,
1262
00:56:34,391 --> 00:56:35,914
you're in the
bunker all day.
1263
00:56:35,957 --> 00:56:37,002
I'll be home at 6:00.
1264
00:56:37,045 --> 00:56:39,700
Yes, for dinner.
1265
00:56:39,744 --> 00:56:41,180
Whip up something.
1266
00:56:42,747 --> 00:56:43,835
Auf Wiedersehen.
1267
00:56:43,878 --> 00:56:45,227
I have to be nice to her.
1268
00:56:45,271 --> 00:56:46,620
Get her angry,
she'll run you over
1269
00:56:46,664 --> 00:56:48,492
in the middle of the night
with her tank.
1270
00:56:48,535 --> 00:56:49,841
If she makes you
so uncomfortable
1271
00:56:49,884 --> 00:56:51,799
why do you stay
with her?
1272
00:56:51,843 --> 00:56:53,801
You know, you're
the second person
who's accused me
1273
00:56:53,845 --> 00:56:55,020
of being homosexual.
1274
00:56:55,063 --> 00:56:56,500
I never for a minute...
1275
00:56:56,543 --> 00:56:59,241
I mean, I sleep
so far away from
her in that bed,
1276
00:56:59,285 --> 00:57:01,592
she'd have to take
a taxi to get near me.
1277
00:57:01,635 --> 00:57:02,767
No, I... I never...
1278
00:57:02,810 --> 00:57:04,464
The other one
who accused me
1279
00:57:04,508 --> 00:57:07,032
was a wonderful
married man I
was engaged to,
1280
00:57:07,075 --> 00:57:09,338
until I found out
he was a degenerate.
1281
00:57:09,382 --> 00:57:11,210
Do you mind terribly
if I smoke?
1282
00:57:11,253 --> 00:57:12,341
No, no, not at all.
1283
00:57:13,473 --> 00:57:14,779
I have all kinds
of cigarettes.
1284
00:57:14,822 --> 00:57:15,867
Filters, menthol...
anything you like.
1285
00:57:15,910 --> 00:57:17,782
I have my own.
Thanks.
1286
00:57:17,825 --> 00:57:20,045
Promise me you won't
ask me about this
married man,
1287
00:57:20,088 --> 00:57:21,786
because it's the one
episode of my life
1288
00:57:21,829 --> 00:57:22,874
I'd rather not discuss.
1289
00:57:22,917 --> 00:57:24,484
Certainly.
I understand.
1290
00:57:24,528 --> 00:57:26,399
He name was Arnold,
Arnold H.
1291
00:57:26,443 --> 00:57:28,749
I can't tell you
his last name.
1292
00:57:28,793 --> 00:57:30,185
Of course.
1293
00:57:30,229 --> 00:57:32,274
He lives in Palm Springs,
California,
1294
00:57:32,318 --> 00:57:33,972
and is in the hotel business.
1295
00:57:34,015 --> 00:57:36,496
Would you like
one of these?
1296
00:57:36,540 --> 00:57:38,193
No, I don't really smoke.
1297
00:57:38,237 --> 00:57:40,761
I don't either.
I mean, not cigarettes.
1298
00:57:40,805 --> 00:57:44,635
I met Mr. H about
two years ago in Arizona.
1299
00:57:44,678 --> 00:57:46,332
I was a houseguest
1300
00:57:46,375 --> 00:57:48,508
of this very short Hawaiian
movie producer, and...
1301
00:57:48,552 --> 00:57:50,423
Excuse me, I... I don't
mean to interrupt.
1302
00:57:50,467 --> 00:57:51,946
Is that ?
1303
00:57:51,990 --> 00:57:53,861
I didn't catch
the last word.
1304
00:57:53,905 --> 00:57:55,559
No, I-I don't want
to say it very loud.
1305
00:57:55,602 --> 00:57:56,908
There's an old lady
next door
1306
00:57:56,951 --> 00:57:58,083
who listens
to everything.
1307
00:57:58,126 --> 00:57:59,258
Is that marijuana?
1308
00:57:59,301 --> 00:58:00,477
Uh-huh.
1309
00:58:00,520 --> 00:58:01,608
Pot?
1310
00:58:01,652 --> 00:58:03,305
Mm-hmm. Change your mind?
You sure?
1311
00:58:03,349 --> 00:58:04,829
No, I'm trying
to cut down.
1312
00:58:04,872 --> 00:58:07,092
It's prescribed
by my doctor
in Beverly Hills.
1313
00:58:07,135 --> 00:58:08,572
I take it
as a tranquilizer,
1314
00:58:08,615 --> 00:58:11,096
because I have this
inability to swallow pills.
1315
00:58:11,139 --> 00:58:13,011
He prescribes it?
Isn't that illegal?
1316
00:58:13,054 --> 00:58:14,447
Oh, that's all right.
1317
00:58:14,491 --> 00:58:16,797
He's not allowed
to practice there anyway.
1318
00:58:16,841 --> 00:58:17,929
Are you sure?
1319
00:58:17,972 --> 00:58:19,408
No. Maybe later.
1320
00:58:19,452 --> 00:58:21,062
I love your smile.
1321
00:58:21,106 --> 00:58:23,543
You're a real
basic person--
1322
00:58:23,587 --> 00:58:24,718
sincere, sweet.
1323
00:58:24,762 --> 00:58:26,546
You meet so damn few
in my business.
1324
00:58:26,590 --> 00:58:28,417
I don't know.
The people I run into...
1325
00:58:28,461 --> 00:58:32,421
♪ What the world needs now
1326
00:58:32,465 --> 00:58:36,687
♪ Is love, sweet love
1327
00:58:36,730 --> 00:58:39,472
♪ That's the only thing
1328
00:58:39,516 --> 00:58:43,868
♪ That there's just
too little of. ♪
1329
00:58:43,911 --> 00:58:47,611
That's what I'm going to sing
on the Dick Cavett Show.
1330
00:58:47,654 --> 00:58:50,614
If the beast of Berlin
ever takes my messages.
1331
00:58:50,657 --> 00:58:52,746
I like the color
of these walls.
1332
00:58:52,790 --> 00:58:54,661
I am so sick of white walls.
1333
00:58:54,705 --> 00:58:55,967
Is the door locked?
1334
00:58:56,010 --> 00:58:58,099
The door? Yes,
is that all right?
1335
00:58:58,143 --> 00:58:59,492
I was just wondering.
1336
00:58:59,536 --> 00:59:02,408
I thought I saw somebody
following me outside.
1337
00:59:02,451 --> 00:59:03,627
Probably not.
1338
00:59:03,670 --> 00:59:05,193
Forget it.
I'm being silly.
1339
00:59:05,237 --> 00:59:06,891
Why don't you just
check the lock.
1340
00:59:10,198 --> 00:59:11,591
It's locked.
1341
00:59:11,635 --> 00:59:12,592
I checked.
1342
00:59:12,636 --> 00:59:14,072
You mean it's possible
1343
00:59:14,115 --> 00:59:15,116
somebody knows you're
here with me now?
1344
00:59:15,160 --> 00:59:17,336
Oh, that's sweet.
1345
00:59:17,379 --> 00:59:19,077
You're worried
some jealous nut
1346
00:59:19,120 --> 00:59:21,296
is going to rush in here
and blow our brains out.
1347
00:59:22,776 --> 00:59:25,126
:
Wouldn't that be a kick?
1348
00:59:25,170 --> 00:59:27,302
A regular bloodbath.
1349
00:59:27,346 --> 00:59:28,869
:
Oh, God.
1350
00:59:28,913 --> 00:59:30,131
Uh-oh, all gone.
1351
00:59:30,175 --> 00:59:31,829
Finished my pot
like a good little girl.
1352
00:59:31,872 --> 00:59:33,352
Don't forget to get
rid of this.
1353
00:59:33,395 --> 00:59:35,006
Tear the paper,
scatter the ashes,
1354
00:59:35,049 --> 00:59:36,311
flush the toilet twice.
1355
00:59:36,355 --> 00:59:37,965
You can't imagine
the number of people
1356
00:59:38,009 --> 00:59:39,227
who are serving time today
1357
00:59:39,271 --> 00:59:40,707
because they only
flushed once.
1358
00:59:40,751 --> 00:59:42,491
Flush twice.
That's a good idea.
1359
00:59:42,535 --> 00:59:44,363
It leaves a slight
odor, doesn't it?
1360
00:59:52,589 --> 00:59:53,851
Help me, God.
1361
00:59:53,894 --> 00:59:55,635
Don't let me get caught!
1362
00:59:55,679 --> 00:59:58,333
I don't want to go to jail
for just flushing once.
1363
01:00:04,992 --> 01:00:06,690
Listen, Bobbi, um,
I hope you understand
1364
01:00:06,733 --> 01:00:08,866
that the only reason I spoke
to you in the park yesterday
1365
01:00:08,909 --> 01:00:10,389
was because... Bobbi?!
1366
01:00:10,432 --> 01:00:11,520
Bobbi!
1367
01:00:11,564 --> 01:00:12,521
Where are you?!
1368
01:00:14,872 --> 01:00:16,308
Quick! Back
against the wall.
1369
01:00:16,351 --> 01:00:17,831
What is it?He'll see you.
Get back.
1370
01:00:17,875 --> 01:00:18,832
Who will see me?
1371
01:00:18,876 --> 01:00:19,833
The man standing
in front
1372
01:00:19,877 --> 01:00:20,878
of the building
next door.
1373
01:00:20,921 --> 01:00:22,227
Have you ever
seen him before?
1374
01:00:22,270 --> 01:00:23,663
All the time.
He's the doorman.
1375
01:00:23,707 --> 01:00:25,360
:
Oh, thank God!
1376
01:00:25,404 --> 01:00:26,840
I was just wondering.
1377
01:00:26,884 --> 01:00:28,276
Do you think
I'm being silly?
1378
01:00:28,320 --> 01:00:29,626
No. Now, can we go
back inside now?
1379
01:00:29,669 --> 01:00:30,757
It's very windy out here.
1380
01:00:30,801 --> 01:00:32,237
Oh, God, I wish
I could fly.
1381
01:00:32,280 --> 01:00:34,021
They'd never catch
me if I could fly!
1382
01:00:34,065 --> 01:00:35,675
No flying!
Don't fly today.
1383
01:00:35,719 --> 01:00:37,546
Today is not a good day
for flying.
1384
01:00:37,590 --> 01:00:39,374
Oh, God, please, God!
1385
01:00:39,418 --> 01:00:40,375
Don't be locked.
1386
01:00:40,419 --> 01:00:41,420
Hi!
1387
01:00:41,463 --> 01:00:42,508
No waving!
1388
01:00:42,551 --> 01:00:44,684
Open, you damn
stupid idiot door!
1389
01:00:44,728 --> 01:00:46,817
You could break the
glass and open it
from the inside.
1390
01:00:46,860 --> 01:00:48,035
Break the glass?
1391
01:00:48,079 --> 01:00:49,689
I'm afraid to sit
on the cushions.
1392
01:00:49,733 --> 01:00:52,039
Open! Listen,
if 5:00 comes,
1393
01:00:52,083 --> 01:00:53,693
and a little old lady
with white hair
1394
01:00:53,737 --> 01:00:55,390
and a high, squeaky voice
opens this door,
1395
01:00:55,434 --> 01:00:57,697
please... let me
do the talking.
1396
01:00:57,741 --> 01:00:59,046
Open up!
1397
01:00:59,090 --> 01:01:00,091
Why don't you try up?
1398
01:01:00,134 --> 01:01:01,179
Up?!
1399
01:01:01,222 --> 01:01:03,660
Instead of pulling down,
pull up.
1400
01:01:03,703 --> 01:01:06,314
You see? I'm not as crazy
as I look.
1401
01:01:08,360 --> 01:01:10,101
Why don't you get us
a drink?
1402
01:01:12,103 --> 01:01:15,323
Listen, the things I
could tell you about
the men I've met.
1403
01:01:15,367 --> 01:01:16,803
Someday, I'm going
to write a book,
1404
01:01:16,847 --> 01:01:18,500
naming names,
dates, and places
1405
01:01:18,544 --> 01:01:19,980
of every man
I ever knew.
1406
01:01:20,024 --> 01:01:21,503
I wouldn't leave
a single man out.
1407
01:01:21,547 --> 01:01:22,722
Listen, I'm sure,
once in a while,
1408
01:01:22,766 --> 01:01:24,071
you must've met
some nice man
1409
01:01:24,115 --> 01:01:25,507
who helped you out
when you were in trouble.
1410
01:01:25,551 --> 01:01:27,161
Oh, you wouldn't
be in the book.
1411
01:01:27,205 --> 01:01:28,336
You're nice.
1412
01:01:28,380 --> 01:01:30,164
You have such
sensitive hands.
1413
01:01:30,208 --> 01:01:32,166
That's how I knew you
were nice in the park.
1414
01:01:32,210 --> 01:01:33,733
I can tell everything
about a person
1415
01:01:33,777 --> 01:01:35,343
just by looking
at his hands.
1416
01:01:35,387 --> 01:01:36,997
You have such long,
delicate fingers.
1417
01:01:37,041 --> 01:01:38,564
Listen, why don't
we forget all...
1418
01:01:38,607 --> 01:01:41,175
♪ What's it all about
1419
01:01:41,219 --> 01:01:43,438
♪ Alfie?
1420
01:01:43,482 --> 01:01:49,618
♪ Is it just for
the moment we live? ♪
1421
01:01:49,662 --> 01:01:52,752
♪ What's it all about?
1422
01:01:52,796 --> 01:01:54,101
I smell oysters.
1423
01:01:54,145 --> 01:01:55,102
What?!
1424
01:01:55,146 --> 01:01:56,451
Oysters or fish.
1425
01:01:56,495 --> 01:01:58,540
Yuck! What could
that be?
1426
01:01:58,584 --> 01:01:59,628
I don't really know, uh...
1427
01:01:59,672 --> 01:02:00,978
Listen, I was
wondering,
1428
01:02:01,021 --> 01:02:02,283
why don't we just
forget about...
1429
01:02:02,327 --> 01:02:04,111
This married man
I was telling you about--
1430
01:02:04,155 --> 01:02:05,634
well, he was
insanely jealous.
1431
01:02:05,678 --> 01:02:07,767
He didn't even want me
to have a career.
1432
01:02:07,811 --> 01:02:10,117
He knows I'm
enormously talented,
1433
01:02:10,161 --> 01:02:11,640
and he's afraid
of losing me.
1434
01:02:11,684 --> 01:02:13,642
I've got it.
I know that.
1435
01:02:13,686 --> 01:02:15,949
The talent's there,
it's just a question of time.
1436
01:02:15,993 --> 01:02:17,951
You know, he had me fired
from the show in Vegas,
1437
01:02:17,995 --> 01:02:19,648
because he was afraid
I'd get discovered.
1438
01:02:19,692 --> 01:02:21,781
Oh, that's terrible.
1439
01:02:21,825 --> 01:02:23,478
That's why I had
to leave the coast.
1440
01:02:23,522 --> 01:02:26,960
He blocked every
move I made.
1441
01:02:27,004 --> 01:02:28,483
You know, he once tried
1442
01:02:28,527 --> 01:02:30,485
to have me committed
to a hospital.
1443
01:02:30,529 --> 01:02:31,660
I wonder why.
1444
01:02:31,704 --> 01:02:33,967
Obviously,
to keep tabs on me.
1445
01:02:34,011 --> 01:02:35,969
Actually, it was
my own fault.
1446
01:02:36,013 --> 01:02:38,145
I was faking
a nervous breakdown
1447
01:02:38,189 --> 01:02:39,494
so he'd leave me alone.
1448
01:02:39,538 --> 01:02:40,800
I made believe
I went crazy
1449
01:02:40,844 --> 01:02:42,149
in a department store
one day,
1450
01:02:42,193 --> 01:02:43,803
and the police came
and took me away
1451
01:02:43,847 --> 01:02:44,978
in an ambulance.
1452
01:02:45,022 --> 01:02:46,327
They just held me
for observation.
1453
01:02:46,371 --> 01:02:47,328
And then sent
you home?
1454
01:02:47,372 --> 01:02:48,329
In 12 weeks.
1455
01:02:48,373 --> 01:02:49,330
It wasn't too bad.
1456
01:02:49,374 --> 01:02:50,810
I wasn't working anyway.
1457
01:02:50,854 --> 01:02:52,812
Did you ever hear
of Battle Fatigue?
1458
01:02:52,856 --> 01:02:53,813
Is that what you had?
1459
01:02:53,857 --> 01:02:54,988
No, no,
Battle Fatigue,
1460
01:02:55,032 --> 01:02:56,642
it's the name
of a rock group.
1461
01:02:56,685 --> 01:02:59,166
They want me
to record with
them, but...
1462
01:02:59,210 --> 01:03:00,298
two years with
those groups,
1463
01:03:00,341 --> 01:03:01,690
and your
voice is shot.
1464
01:03:01,734 --> 01:03:02,822
Don't you think
I'm better off
1465
01:03:02,866 --> 01:03:04,302
taking the Broadway show?
1466
01:03:04,345 --> 01:03:06,652
I thought
they turned you down.
1467
01:03:06,695 --> 01:03:08,262
Where did you
hear that?
1468
01:03:08,306 --> 01:03:09,481
You told me.
1469
01:03:09,524 --> 01:03:11,135
I didn't say
they turned me down.
1470
01:03:11,178 --> 01:03:12,919
I said they thought
I was too young.
1471
01:03:12,963 --> 01:03:14,921
But you didn't get the part.
1472
01:03:14,965 --> 01:03:16,314
What are you
trying to say?
1473
01:03:16,357 --> 01:03:17,663
I'm not trying
to say anything.
1474
01:03:17,706 --> 01:03:19,143
They thought
I was fabulous.
1475
01:03:19,186 --> 01:03:20,666
You hear? Fabulous.
1476
01:03:20,709 --> 01:03:21,798
I know it.
Who told you?
1477
01:03:21,841 --> 01:03:23,495
You did. I remember.
You told me.
1478
01:03:23,538 --> 01:03:24,496
Well, I was,
1479
01:03:24,539 --> 01:03:25,845
but I turned
'em down.
1480
01:03:25,889 --> 01:03:26,846
You did the smart thing.
1481
01:03:26,890 --> 01:03:28,500
You're damn
right I did.
1482
01:03:28,543 --> 01:03:31,155
Besides, I don't need
their stinking shows.
1483
01:03:31,198 --> 01:03:32,852
I'm more of a movie personality.
1484
01:03:32,896 --> 01:03:34,680
Barbra Streisand,
Ali MacGraw,
1485
01:03:34,723 --> 01:03:36,160
that's the type I am.
1486
01:03:36,203 --> 01:03:37,901
God, it's hot in here...
or cold.
1487
01:03:37,944 --> 01:03:38,945
I can't make up my mind.
1488
01:03:38,989 --> 01:03:40,468
I'm turning on again.
1489
01:03:40,512 --> 01:03:42,644
Now, now, you think
that's a good idea?
1490
01:03:42,688 --> 01:03:43,863
I mean, it's getting
very late.
1491
01:03:43,907 --> 01:03:44,951
You want me to leave.
1492
01:03:44,995 --> 01:03:46,170
No, I don't want
you to leave.
1493
01:03:46,213 --> 01:03:47,736
But you'd be happier
if I left.
1494
01:03:47,780 --> 01:03:50,174
Happier? No,
not happier.
1495
01:03:50,217 --> 01:03:51,871
Don't worry, I'm not going
to try anything.
1496
01:03:51,915 --> 01:03:53,046
Try what? Like what?
1497
01:03:53,090 --> 01:03:54,221
Try what?
What would you try?
1498
01:03:54,265 --> 01:03:55,396
Nothing.
I thought you were
1499
01:03:55,440 --> 01:03:56,876
looking at the scars
on my wrists.
1500
01:03:56,920 --> 01:03:58,051
You're wrong
about them.
1501
01:03:58,095 --> 01:03:59,313
No, no, I
wasn't looking.
1502
01:03:59,357 --> 01:04:00,619
I didn't know
you had them.
1503
01:04:00,662 --> 01:04:01,794
Look, your scars
are your business.
1504
01:04:01,838 --> 01:04:03,274
I was watering plants,
1505
01:04:03,317 --> 01:04:05,058
and the window fell
on my wrists.
1506
01:04:05,102 --> 01:04:06,973
Sure. That
happens so often.
1507
01:04:07,017 --> 01:04:09,889
I know so many people
whose windows fell
on their wrists.
1508
01:04:12,152 --> 01:04:14,633
Please forgive me.
1509
01:04:14,676 --> 01:04:16,635
I'm suspicious
of everyone.
1510
01:04:16,678 --> 01:04:17,636
I really have to run.
1511
01:04:17,679 --> 01:04:18,985
Oh, that's a shame.
1512
01:04:19,029 --> 01:04:20,204
Just when we were
getting acquainted.
1513
01:04:20,247 --> 01:04:21,509
Well, if you
feel that way,
1514
01:04:21,553 --> 01:04:22,728
I'm going to stay
a few more minutes.
1515
01:04:22,771 --> 01:04:24,382
No, I don't
feel that way.
1516
01:04:24,425 --> 01:04:25,426
If you have to go, I,
uh, don't worry about me.
1517
01:04:25,470 --> 01:04:26,471
Just have to take
a few drags
1518
01:04:26,514 --> 01:04:27,515
before I face
the world again.
1519
01:04:27,559 --> 01:04:28,821
Doctor's orders.
1520
01:04:28,865 --> 01:04:29,996
Well...
1521
01:04:30,040 --> 01:04:30,997
I wouldn't
want you to go
1522
01:04:31,041 --> 01:04:32,781
without your
medicine, but...
1523
01:04:35,915 --> 01:04:37,134
What?
1524
01:04:37,177 --> 01:04:38,657
You said you'd have one
with me later.
1525
01:04:38,700 --> 01:04:39,963
No, no, I said
maybe later.
1526
01:04:40,006 --> 01:04:41,878
Maybe. I said maybe.
1527
01:04:45,533 --> 01:04:48,319
I'm not going
unless you have one with me...
1528
01:04:48,362 --> 01:04:50,712
if I have to stay all night.
1529
01:05:06,685 --> 01:05:07,773
Two puffs.
1530
01:05:09,166 --> 01:05:10,602
Two puffs.
1531
01:05:10,645 --> 01:05:12,865
Two quick puffs and
I have to go to work.
1532
01:05:23,354 --> 01:05:24,311
Good?
1533
01:05:24,355 --> 01:05:25,834
Yeah, man, that's pot.
1534
01:05:28,881 --> 01:05:30,491
Should we turn on
some music?
1535
01:05:30,535 --> 01:05:32,798
No, no, I like my
pot very quiet.
1536
01:05:37,020 --> 01:05:38,978
You're letting it out
too quickly.
1537
01:05:39,022 --> 01:05:40,980
Let me see you hold it
in your lungs.
1538
01:05:41,024 --> 01:05:43,156
You don't want to
see that-- a man
with pot in his lungs.
1539
01:05:43,200 --> 01:05:45,115
You must've seen
that a hundred times.
1540
01:05:49,902 --> 01:05:51,512
Why won't you inhale it?
1541
01:05:51,556 --> 01:05:53,297
Okay, all right, all right,
all right, all right.
1542
01:05:56,387 --> 01:05:57,344
Swallow it.
1543
01:05:57,388 --> 01:05:58,345
Hmm?
1544
01:05:58,389 --> 01:05:59,303
Swallow it.
1545
01:06:11,271 --> 01:06:12,707
:
I...
1546
01:06:12,751 --> 01:06:15,449
Okay, now exhale.
1547
01:06:17,669 --> 01:06:19,279
Oh, my God.
1548
01:06:19,323 --> 01:06:20,802
It didn't come out.
1549
01:06:20,846 --> 01:06:22,456
It's still in there.
1550
01:06:22,500 --> 01:06:24,806
In a few moments,
your mouth will feel numb
1551
01:06:24,850 --> 01:06:26,460
and your toes
will get paralyzed.
1552
01:06:26,504 --> 01:06:28,462
Good, good.
I can hardly wait.
1553
01:06:28,506 --> 01:06:29,898
Do you hear
anything funny?
1554
01:06:29,942 --> 01:06:30,899
Like what?
1555
01:06:30,943 --> 01:06:31,900
A ringing in the ears.
1556
01:06:31,944 --> 01:06:32,945
Oh, thank God.
1557
01:06:32,989 --> 01:06:34,468
I thought it was
the doorbell.
1558
01:06:34,512 --> 01:06:37,123
Is your mouth
getting dry?
1559
01:06:37,167 --> 01:06:39,647
Yeah, a little.
1560
01:06:39,691 --> 01:06:41,649
There it goes.
1561
01:06:41,693 --> 01:06:44,130
Drying now.
1562
01:06:44,174 --> 01:06:45,871
All dried up.
1563
01:06:45,914 --> 01:06:47,829
That's not a
permanent condition.
1564
01:06:47,873 --> 01:06:50,136
I mean, my mouth
will open later on
in life, won't it?
1565
01:06:51,398 --> 01:06:53,139
This is quality grass.
You can tell.
1566
01:06:53,183 --> 01:06:55,620
Oh, yeah, it's worth
the few cents more.
1567
01:06:58,710 --> 01:07:00,842
How do your toes feel?
1568
01:07:00,886 --> 01:07:02,235
Dead.
1569
01:07:02,279 --> 01:07:05,195
Dead toes.
Eight dead, two dying.
1570
01:07:07,110 --> 01:07:08,415
Oh, my God.
1571
01:07:08,459 --> 01:07:09,895
What?
1572
01:07:13,464 --> 01:07:15,118
My tongue is frozen.
1573
01:07:16,554 --> 01:07:18,947
I don't have the use
of my tongue, uh...
1574
01:07:18,991 --> 01:07:20,427
I'll never talk again.
1575
01:07:21,472 --> 01:07:22,429
That's okay, baby.
1576
01:07:23,822 --> 01:07:25,780
Everything's
slowing down.
1577
01:07:25,824 --> 01:07:27,956
Slower and slower.
1578
01:07:28,000 --> 01:07:30,089
Oh, it's 20 to 4:00.
1579
01:07:30,133 --> 01:07:32,091
It's always going
to be 20 to 4:00
1580
01:07:32,135 --> 01:07:34,963
for the rest
of our lives.
1581
01:07:35,007 --> 01:07:36,965
Well, I love 20 to 4:00.
1582
01:07:37,009 --> 01:07:38,793
Oh, God! Oh!
1583
01:07:38,837 --> 01:07:39,794
What?
1584
01:07:39,838 --> 01:07:41,187
I can't feel my heart!
1585
01:07:41,231 --> 01:07:42,449
What the hell happened
to my heart, huh?!
1586
01:07:42,493 --> 01:07:43,624
Relax. Don't fight it,
honey.
1587
01:07:43,668 --> 01:07:45,061
I'm not fighting it.
1588
01:07:45,104 --> 01:07:46,149
I'm letting it do
whatever it wants.
1589
01:07:46,192 --> 01:07:47,672
Hang it out
for the world to see.
1590
01:07:47,715 --> 01:07:49,848
I'm hangin' out.
I'm hangin' out.
1591
01:07:49,891 --> 01:07:51,458
I'm going!
1592
01:07:51,502 --> 01:07:53,808
I don't know
where I'm going,
but I'm going.
1593
01:07:55,158 --> 01:07:56,289
What?
1594
01:07:56,333 --> 01:07:57,638
Oh, did you hear that?
1595
01:07:57,682 --> 01:07:58,857
What?
1596
01:07:58,900 --> 01:08:00,293
I hear my eyes
blinking.
1597
01:08:00,337 --> 01:08:03,427
Blinking... thumping,
thumping, thumping.
1598
01:08:03,470 --> 01:08:05,124
If you got it, baby,
flaunt it.
1599
01:08:05,168 --> 01:08:07,126
I'm flaunting it.
I'm flaunting it.
1600
01:08:08,301 --> 01:08:11,217
Oh, whee.
Whee, huh? Whee...
1601
01:08:12,436 --> 01:08:14,220
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
1602
01:08:14,264 --> 01:08:15,395
20 to 4:00.
1603
01:08:17,441 --> 01:08:19,921
God, the things
that've happened to me.
1604
01:08:19,965 --> 01:08:21,227
Oh, I heard, I heard.
1605
01:08:21,271 --> 01:08:23,403
I can't wait to
read the book.
1606
01:08:23,447 --> 01:08:25,449
Did I tell you about this man
in California?
1607
01:08:25,492 --> 01:08:26,450
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
1608
01:08:26,493 --> 01:08:27,581
With the pointed teeth.
1609
01:08:29,453 --> 01:08:32,064
I was really
in love with him.
1610
01:08:33,979 --> 01:08:35,023
You know
about love, too.
1611
01:08:35,067 --> 01:08:36,416
I can tell.
Yeah.
1612
01:08:36,460 --> 01:08:37,939
You must've suffered
plenty, I'll bet.
1613
01:08:39,332 --> 01:08:42,901
:
M-M-Many years ago, I...
1614
01:08:42,944 --> 01:08:45,077
I was involved
with an older woman
1615
01:08:45,121 --> 01:08:47,166
in Newark, New Jersey.
1616
01:08:48,211 --> 01:08:49,168
I know that scene.
1617
01:08:50,213 --> 01:08:51,170
How long did it last?
1618
01:08:51,214 --> 01:08:52,650
Oh, about 20 minutes.
1619
01:08:53,912 --> 01:08:56,958
You got to make it alone
in this world.
1620
01:08:57,002 --> 01:08:59,613
All I need is one show.
1621
01:08:59,657 --> 01:09:03,051
The talent's there,
it's just a question of time.
1622
01:09:03,095 --> 01:09:05,706
20 to 4:00.
It's 20 to 4:00.
1623
01:09:05,750 --> 01:09:07,882
People don't want
to see you make good.
1624
01:09:07,926 --> 01:09:09,536
They're all jealous.
1625
01:09:09,580 --> 01:09:10,885
They're all rotten.
1626
01:09:10,929 --> 01:09:13,323
They're all vicious.
1627
01:09:18,110 --> 01:09:21,896
So many things
I wanted to see.
1628
01:09:21,940 --> 01:09:24,899
I'll never see 'em.
1629
01:09:24,943 --> 01:09:27,075
So many things
I wanted to do.
1630
01:09:27,119 --> 01:09:29,556
I'll never do 'em.
1631
01:09:29,600 --> 01:09:32,385
Trapped.
We're all trapped.
1632
01:09:33,604 --> 01:09:37,912
Help! Help!
1633
01:09:37,956 --> 01:09:43,091
♪ What the world needs now
1634
01:09:43,135 --> 01:09:47,574
♪ Is love, sweet love
1635
01:09:47,618 --> 01:09:50,751
BOTH:
♪ That's the only thing
1636
01:09:50,795 --> 01:09:55,887
♪ That there's just
too little of... ♪
1637
01:10:03,982 --> 01:10:05,940
I will never, never,
1638
01:10:05,984 --> 01:10:08,247
never, never do that again.
1639
01:10:08,291 --> 01:10:10,597
You will never
do what?
1640
01:10:10,641 --> 01:10:13,774
Ne... Never eat...
green peppers again.
1641
01:10:13,818 --> 01:10:15,385
Go to sleep, Thelma.
1642
01:10:15,428 --> 01:10:17,256
Don't get sick.
1643
01:10:17,300 --> 01:10:19,345
We're going to
Mel and Jeanette's
for dinner tomorrow.
1644
01:10:20,825 --> 01:10:22,609
Barney, Thelma,
it's good to see you.
1645
01:10:22,653 --> 01:10:23,958
Come on in.
1646
01:10:24,002 --> 01:10:25,743
Barney, Thelma.
1647
01:10:25,786 --> 01:10:27,745
Thelma, Barney.
1648
01:10:27,788 --> 01:10:29,573
Listen, Thelma, believe me.
1649
01:10:29,616 --> 01:10:30,574
I know Jeanette.
1650
01:10:30,617 --> 01:10:32,402
She's my best friend.
1651
01:10:32,445 --> 01:10:34,795
And I'm telling you that she
and Mel are having trouble.
1652
01:10:34,839 --> 01:10:37,145
I can't believe it.
Jeanette and Mel?
1653
01:10:37,189 --> 01:10:38,538
Thelma, just because
you and Barney
1654
01:10:38,582 --> 01:10:39,887
are the perfect couple,
1655
01:10:39,931 --> 01:10:41,628
it doesn't mean
that everybody else is.
1656
01:10:44,022 --> 01:10:45,458
No, I feel wonderful.
1657
01:10:45,502 --> 01:10:47,286
I really do.
1658
01:10:47,330 --> 01:10:48,635
Mel and I
were thinking
1659
01:10:48,679 --> 01:10:50,985
of going to Puerto
Rico this winter,
1660
01:10:51,029 --> 01:10:53,292
but Mel is so busy.
1661
01:10:56,687 --> 01:10:58,297
Well...
1662
01:10:58,341 --> 01:10:59,646
Oh, excuse me.
1663
01:10:59,690 --> 01:11:01,779
One-way street.
1664
01:11:01,822 --> 01:11:04,303
Well, everything
all right here?
1665
01:11:04,347 --> 01:11:06,131
Barney, can I
get you anything:
1666
01:11:06,174 --> 01:11:07,611
a drink, a cigarette?
1667
01:11:07,654 --> 01:11:09,177
Nothing for me, Mel.
1668
01:11:09,221 --> 01:11:11,658
Well, what are you going to do,
the man has no vices?
1669
01:11:13,617 --> 01:11:16,968
Charlotte says the talk
is Mel's playing around
with some dame.
1670
01:11:17,011 --> 01:11:19,579
Someone in this room,
as a matter of fact.
1671
01:11:20,972 --> 01:11:23,670
Mel?! Mel Fisher?!
I can't believe it.
1672
01:11:23,714 --> 01:11:25,933
You, the last
man on earth
1673
01:11:25,977 --> 01:11:27,326
who still goes
to bed every night
1674
01:11:27,370 --> 01:11:28,458
with his own wife.
1675
01:11:33,506 --> 01:11:35,987
More coffee coming up
in a minute, fellas.
1676
01:11:36,030 --> 01:11:37,467
Barney, could you
help me with these?
1677
01:11:37,510 --> 01:11:38,990
I can't find Mel
anywhere.
1678
01:11:39,033 --> 01:11:40,339
It's my fault
for inviting
1679
01:11:40,383 --> 01:11:42,341
so many good-looking women.
1680
01:11:44,125 --> 01:11:46,650
Where do you want these,
Jeanette?
1681
01:11:46,693 --> 01:11:48,956
Close the door,
Barney.
1682
01:11:54,048 --> 01:11:56,355
I know what
the gossip is, Barney.
1683
01:11:56,399 --> 01:11:58,836
I know what they're saying
about Mel and some woman.
1684
01:11:58,879 --> 01:12:00,359
Gee, I haven't heard
a thing, Jeanette.
1685
01:12:00,403 --> 01:12:01,621
I knew you'd say that,
1686
01:12:01,665 --> 01:12:03,101
because you're decent
and honorable,
1687
01:12:03,144 --> 01:12:04,189
not like other men.
1688
01:12:04,232 --> 01:12:06,539
Oh, I'm just a human being.
1689
01:12:07,801 --> 01:12:09,412
Do you find me
attractive, Barney?
1690
01:12:09,455 --> 01:12:11,109
Attractive?
Yes, yes, I do, Jeanette.
1691
01:12:11,152 --> 01:12:12,937
No, don't be polite.
This is important to me.
1692
01:12:12,980 --> 01:12:15,766
I mean attractive
in a sexual way.
1693
01:12:15,809 --> 01:12:18,377
Oh, well, uh...
1694
01:12:18,421 --> 01:12:20,945
I never really thought
about you like that
before, Jeanette.
1695
01:12:20,988 --> 01:12:22,294
Well, think about me
like that.
1696
01:12:22,338 --> 01:12:24,601
I'm thinking.
1697
01:12:24,644 --> 01:12:27,125
Yeah, I... I do,
Jeanette, I do.
1698
01:12:27,168 --> 01:12:28,605
Help me, Barney.
Help me.
1699
01:12:30,171 --> 01:12:31,782
Uh, how do you want me
to help you, Jeanette?
1700
01:12:31,825 --> 01:12:33,653
Times are changing, Barney.
For all of us.
1701
01:12:33,697 --> 01:12:34,654
Help me.
Okay.
1702
01:12:34,698 --> 01:12:36,090
Help me.
All right.
1703
01:12:36,134 --> 01:12:37,396
Listen, I'm going to...
1704
01:12:37,440 --> 01:12:38,789
I'm going to give
you an address
1705
01:12:38,832 --> 01:12:40,747
where I can help
you, Jeanette.
1706
01:13:47,423 --> 01:13:49,381
I don't need you today, God.
1707
01:13:57,520 --> 01:14:02,220
Jeanette, Jeanette,
you look wonderful.
1708
01:14:02,263 --> 01:14:04,352
Any trouble
finding the place?
1709
01:14:06,529 --> 01:14:09,009
It's not raining, is it?
1710
01:14:09,053 --> 01:14:10,750
Good, good.
1711
01:14:17,670 --> 01:14:19,498
You okay?
1712
01:14:19,542 --> 01:14:20,978
Come on in, sit down.
1713
01:14:30,030 --> 01:14:32,119
Is that better?
1714
01:14:32,163 --> 01:14:33,251
You look uncomfortable.
1715
01:14:33,294 --> 01:14:34,861
Let me have
your pocketbook.
1716
01:14:36,994 --> 01:14:38,474
Look at me,
Jeanette.
1717
01:14:38,517 --> 01:14:40,171
You sure
you're okay?
1718
01:14:40,214 --> 01:14:42,390
Then relax.
1719
01:14:42,434 --> 01:14:43,653
Look...
1720
01:14:43,696 --> 01:14:46,177
I don't deny this is
a little awkward.
1721
01:14:46,220 --> 01:14:48,222
That's why I respect
you, Jeanette.
1722
01:14:48,266 --> 01:14:49,702
If you weren't nervous,
1723
01:14:49,746 --> 01:14:51,748
if you just barged in
here cold and callous
1724
01:14:51,791 --> 01:14:54,054
like some women or some
nut I met in the park,
1725
01:14:54,098 --> 01:14:55,621
that would be one thing.
1726
01:14:55,665 --> 01:14:57,101
But you're not, Jeanette.
That's why...
1727
01:14:58,755 --> 01:15:01,453
That's why...
1728
01:15:01,497 --> 01:15:03,803
that's why, the other night
in your kitchen,
1729
01:15:03,847 --> 01:15:08,852
when you asked me for help,
I was so happy, Jeanette.
1730
01:15:08,895 --> 01:15:10,897
We all need help
these days, Jeanette.
1731
01:15:10,941 --> 01:15:13,857
Jeanette, you're not going
to cry until 5:00, are you?
1732
01:15:13,900 --> 01:15:15,511
What's wrong, Jeanette?
1733
01:15:15,554 --> 01:15:17,991
I can't go through
with it.
1734
01:15:18,035 --> 01:15:20,124
I'm sorry, Barney.
1735
01:15:22,605 --> 01:15:23,997
Oh, boy.
Can you pick 'em.
1736
01:15:24,041 --> 01:15:26,043
Can you pick 'em.
1737
01:15:26,086 --> 01:15:27,218
Jeanette.
1738
01:15:27,261 --> 01:15:29,220
Jeanette.
1739
01:15:44,017 --> 01:15:45,932
Jeanette.
1740
01:15:47,499 --> 01:15:48,674
Jeanette.
1741
01:15:51,982 --> 01:15:53,331
Jeanette.
1742
01:15:53,374 --> 01:15:54,637
What's wrong
with you, Jeanette?
1743
01:15:54,680 --> 01:15:55,681
I don't understand.
1744
01:15:55,725 --> 01:15:57,857
Why did I come,
Barney, why?!
1745
01:15:57,901 --> 01:16:00,251
Because you said we
were going to help
each other, Jeanette.
1746
01:16:00,294 --> 01:16:02,732
Come back upstairs and
we'll help each other.Not upstairs.
1747
01:16:02,775 --> 01:16:04,603
I'll have coffee with you.
1748
01:16:04,647 --> 01:16:06,083
How can I... how...
1749
01:16:06,126 --> 01:16:08,302
how can I help you
drinking coffee, Jeanette?
1750
01:16:27,931 --> 01:16:29,715
Jeanette, we're going to
have our cup of coffee
1751
01:16:29,759 --> 01:16:32,065
and then we're going
to go back upstairs
and help each other.
1752
01:16:32,109 --> 01:16:34,024
There's something
you should know first, Barney.
1753
01:16:34,067 --> 01:16:35,460
Is it important,
Jeanette?
1754
01:16:35,503 --> 01:16:37,331
Yes. I don't find you
physically attractive.
1755
01:16:39,290 --> 01:16:40,857
Well, that's not
important, Jeanette.
1756
01:16:40,900 --> 01:16:42,423
It's only important
1757
01:16:42,467 --> 01:16:44,295
that I find you
physically attractive.
1758
01:16:44,338 --> 01:16:45,601
I think you're sweet.
1759
01:16:45,644 --> 01:16:47,254
I think you're basically
a good person.
1760
01:16:47,298 --> 01:16:49,213
I just do not find you
physically attractive.
1761
01:16:49,256 --> 01:16:50,823
Once is enough, Jeanette.
I get the point.
1762
01:16:50,867 --> 01:16:52,390
Can we get off this now?
1763
01:16:52,433 --> 01:16:55,436
I am attracted to you
emotionally and intellectually.
1764
01:16:55,480 --> 01:16:56,742
That's funny.
1765
01:16:56,786 --> 01:16:57,700
But not physically!
1766
01:16:57,743 --> 01:16:58,744
All right, we gonna
1767
01:16:58,788 --> 01:17:00,267
stay on that all
day, Jeanette?
1768
01:17:00,311 --> 01:17:01,660
What about the part
where you need my help?
1769
01:17:01,704 --> 01:17:03,531
Can we have a check
over here, please?
1770
01:17:03,575 --> 01:17:06,622
Do you know I haven't slept
with Mel in eight months?
1771
01:17:06,665 --> 01:17:08,101
No, I didn't.
My God!
1772
01:17:08,145 --> 01:17:10,843
I know Mel had a bad back,
but I had no idea.
1773
01:17:10,887 --> 01:17:14,194
I've not slept with him
in eight months!
1774
01:17:14,238 --> 01:17:15,848
No wonder you need
help, Jeanette.
1775
01:17:15,892 --> 01:17:17,676
Can we have a check, please?
1776
01:17:17,720 --> 01:17:19,243
He's slept with me.
1777
01:17:19,286 --> 01:17:21,506
I haven't slept with him.
1778
01:17:24,596 --> 01:17:28,469
How-how does that
work out, Jeanette?
1779
01:17:32,865 --> 01:17:35,389
There's something else
you should know, Barney.
1780
01:17:35,433 --> 01:17:37,565
I don't particularly
enjoy sex.
1781
01:17:37,609 --> 01:17:38,871
Oh, you don't?
1782
01:17:38,915 --> 01:17:40,046
Ever?
1783
01:17:40,090 --> 01:17:41,700
It was important
to me once.
1784
01:17:41,744 --> 01:17:44,355
It's not important
anymore.
1785
01:17:45,443 --> 01:17:46,705
You're just tense.
1786
01:17:46,749 --> 01:17:48,402
I mean, eight months.
1787
01:17:48,446 --> 01:17:51,188
You're going through
a very dry period.
1788
01:17:55,758 --> 01:17:57,455
Before I go in,
I have to know one thing.
1789
01:17:57,498 --> 01:17:59,370
You would never tell anyone
about this, would you?
1790
01:17:59,413 --> 01:18:00,893
Me, Jeanette? Me?
1791
01:18:00,937 --> 01:18:02,503
I'm surprised you'd even
think of such a thing.
1792
01:18:02,547 --> 01:18:04,331
I won't have to worry
about my name coming up
1793
01:18:04,375 --> 01:18:05,506
at a cocktail party?
1794
01:18:05,550 --> 01:18:06,551
May God strike me dead.
1795
01:18:06,594 --> 01:18:07,944
May I never live to see
1796
01:18:07,987 --> 01:18:09,554
my oldest daughter
married if I ever did.
1797
01:18:09,597 --> 01:18:11,208
Swear.
I just swore.
1798
01:18:11,251 --> 01:18:14,777
May I become totally paralyzed
from my hips on down.
1799
01:18:17,562 --> 01:18:19,172
I'm not very good
at this sort of thing.
1800
01:18:19,216 --> 01:18:21,522
Who is, Jeanette?
Who is?
1801
01:18:21,566 --> 01:18:23,350
I don't even know
what I'm supposed to do.
1802
01:18:23,394 --> 01:18:25,091
You're supposed to
go inside, Jeanette.
1803
01:18:25,135 --> 01:18:26,702
As inexperienced as I am,
1804
01:18:26,745 --> 01:18:28,921
I know that nothing is
going to happen out here.
1805
01:18:33,883 --> 01:18:35,841
Where is this?
1806
01:18:35,885 --> 01:18:38,365
It's the same place we were
at before we ran out the door.
1807
01:18:38,409 --> 01:18:39,758
Relax. Just relax.
1808
01:18:39,802 --> 01:18:41,194
Give me your pocketbook.
1809
01:18:41,238 --> 01:18:43,283
You must promise that
whatever happens between us
1810
01:18:43,327 --> 01:18:45,024
it'll go no further
than these four walls.
1811
01:18:45,068 --> 01:18:46,809
May my restaurant
get destroyed by fire.
1812
01:18:46,852 --> 01:18:48,724
Relax! Give me your
pocketbook, Jeanette.
1813
01:18:48,767 --> 01:18:50,551
I don't know if we're
doing the right thing.
1814
01:18:50,595 --> 01:18:52,031
I'm so confused.
Reassure me, Barney.
1815
01:18:52,075 --> 01:18:53,206
I assure you.
1816
01:18:53,250 --> 01:18:54,555
You have all my assurance.
1817
01:18:54,599 --> 01:18:56,557
Try harder.
Reassure me more.
1818
01:18:56,601 --> 01:18:58,559
May, uh, I, uh...
1819
01:18:58,603 --> 01:19:01,084
may-may I get a pinched
nerve in my spinal column!
1820
01:19:01,127 --> 01:19:02,999
I don't know what
you want, Jeanette!
1821
01:19:03,042 --> 01:19:04,696
I'm going to go get
some champagne.
1822
01:19:04,740 --> 01:19:06,002
What do you think
about all this?
1823
01:19:06,045 --> 01:19:07,177
About all what, Jeanette?
1824
01:19:07,220 --> 01:19:09,005
About all this
that's going on.
1825
01:19:09,048 --> 01:19:10,267
Nothing is going
on, Jeanette!
1826
01:19:10,310 --> 01:19:11,703
I can't even get
your pocketbook.
1827
01:19:11,747 --> 01:19:13,574
You're not appalled
by the times we live in?
1828
01:19:13,618 --> 01:19:15,228
By the promiscuity
you find everywhere?
1829
01:19:15,272 --> 01:19:16,969
I don't find it anywhere!
1830
01:19:17,013 --> 01:19:20,320
I hear a lot about it,
but I haven't found any!
1831
01:19:20,364 --> 01:19:21,800
Well, I'm not going
to think about it.
1832
01:19:21,844 --> 01:19:23,323
I'm going to become
like everybody else
1833
01:19:23,367 --> 01:19:24,629
in this stinking world!
1834
01:19:24,672 --> 01:19:25,978
What is that?
What are you doing?
1835
01:19:26,022 --> 01:19:27,545
Digilene.
It's for depression.
1836
01:19:27,588 --> 01:19:28,546
You want some water?
1837
01:19:28,589 --> 01:19:29,677
I couldn't wait.
1838
01:19:29,721 --> 01:19:31,201
You couldn't wait for water?!
1839
01:19:31,244 --> 01:19:32,550
You're that depressed?
1840
01:19:32,593 --> 01:19:33,769
Hah.
1841
01:19:40,079 --> 01:19:42,865
Do you know
what melancholia is, Barney?
1842
01:19:42,908 --> 01:19:44,562
I'm beginning
to think so.
1843
01:19:44,605 --> 01:19:47,391
I'll tell you because
I've had it for eight months.
1844
01:19:47,434 --> 01:19:50,046
It's total
and complete despair.
1845
01:19:50,089 --> 01:19:52,439
It's waking up
each morning of your life
1846
01:19:52,483 --> 01:19:53,745
not wanting anything,
1847
01:19:53,789 --> 01:19:55,878
not caring, not hoping,
not needing.
1848
01:19:55,921 --> 01:20:03,059
All that's left is a quiet,
empty, bottomless, relentless,
1849
01:20:03,102 --> 01:20:09,848
infinite, eternal gloom.
1850
01:20:11,632 --> 01:20:13,721
That's melancholia.
1851
01:20:17,943 --> 01:20:20,772
We're in for some
terrific afternoon.
1852
01:20:20,816 --> 01:20:24,863
I'm sorry, Barney,
I'm too depressed.
1853
01:20:26,647 --> 01:20:28,606
I don't want to
spoil it for you.
1854
01:20:28,649 --> 01:20:30,434
Forgive me.
1855
01:20:30,477 --> 01:20:32,436
Good-bye, Barney.
1856
01:20:32,479 --> 01:20:35,569
Jeanette, don't run, I'm tired.
Jeanette!
1857
01:20:36,614 --> 01:20:37,876
Why me?
1858
01:20:37,920 --> 01:20:39,443
Why do I have to get
all the nuts?
1859
01:20:39,486 --> 01:20:41,619
Three crazy ladies in the world
and I get them all.
1860
01:20:41,662 --> 01:20:43,099
Jeanette!
1861
01:20:43,142 --> 01:20:45,797
Jeanette, wait!
1862
01:20:45,841 --> 01:20:47,103
Jeanette!
1863
01:20:58,679 --> 01:20:59,985
My stomach is gurgling
1864
01:21:00,029 --> 01:21:01,900
from all this
coffee, Jeanette.
1865
01:21:01,944 --> 01:21:04,555
What do you want
with me, anyway?!
1866
01:21:04,598 --> 01:21:07,384
A good time?!
1867
01:21:07,427 --> 01:21:11,736
You're not going to have
a good time with me!
1868
01:21:20,440 --> 01:21:22,225
Well, I think
we can have
1869
01:21:22,268 --> 01:21:24,923
an interesting
afternoon, Jeanette.
1870
01:21:24,967 --> 01:21:26,533
Got to stop the brooding
1871
01:21:26,577 --> 01:21:28,535
and the running
and the coffee.
1872
01:21:32,800 --> 01:21:34,585
Barney?
1873
01:21:34,628 --> 01:21:36,239
Yes, Jeanette.
1874
01:21:36,282 --> 01:21:38,067
Has Mel ever mentioned
his being mixed up
1875
01:21:38,110 --> 01:21:39,416
with another woman?
1876
01:21:39,459 --> 01:21:41,070
Never, Jeanette.
I swear.
1877
01:21:41,113 --> 01:21:43,594
My God, you seem so different
from the other night!
1878
01:21:43,637 --> 01:21:45,422
It wasn't easy for me
to come here today.
1879
01:21:45,465 --> 01:21:46,597
I understand.
1880
01:21:46,640 --> 01:21:48,077
If anyone knew,
or even suspected...
1881
01:21:48,120 --> 01:21:50,253
May I become deformed
in all my vital organs!
1882
01:21:50,296 --> 01:21:52,385
Stop it already,
Jeanette!
1883
01:22:03,266 --> 01:22:05,050
Okay, I'm going to go
get the champagne.
1884
01:22:05,094 --> 01:22:06,922
See this table over here?
1885
01:22:06,965 --> 01:22:08,532
Good spot for
your pocketbook.
1886
01:22:10,055 --> 01:22:11,404
:
She says another word,
1887
01:22:11,448 --> 01:22:13,015
I'm going to hit her
with the bottle.
1888
01:22:14,886 --> 01:22:16,714
Okay, we're going to have
a little champagne and...
1889
01:22:17,802 --> 01:22:18,977
What are you doing?
1890
01:22:20,196 --> 01:22:22,589
Mmm.
I was just wondering.
1891
01:22:22,633 --> 01:22:26,202
What do you think Mel's reaction
would be if I called him now
1892
01:22:26,245 --> 01:22:28,160
and told him what
was going on up here?
1893
01:22:31,033 --> 01:22:32,251
Big.
1894
01:22:32,295 --> 01:22:34,079
I think Mel's reaction
would be big,
1895
01:22:34,123 --> 01:22:35,646
with a lot of killing
and murder.
1896
01:22:35,689 --> 01:22:37,169
Jeanette, don't test him.
1897
01:22:37,213 --> 01:22:39,606
It's not good for a marriage
to test it too far.
1898
01:22:39,650 --> 01:22:41,782
You think death is
so terrible, Barney?
1899
01:22:41,826 --> 01:22:42,958
Death?
1900
01:22:43,001 --> 01:22:45,612
Yes, I do.
I think death is terrible.
1901
01:22:45,656 --> 01:22:47,440
I think violent death
is the worst.
1902
01:22:47,484 --> 01:22:49,790
Jeanette, I-I think we're
getting a little morbid here.
1903
01:22:49,834 --> 01:22:52,445
What makes life worth
living, Barney?
1904
01:22:52,489 --> 01:22:54,273
Name emotions
for me, feelings,
1905
01:22:54,317 --> 01:22:56,623
itemize the good things
in life for me.
1906
01:22:56,667 --> 01:22:58,799
What do you mean,
my favorite things,
like handball?
1907
01:22:58,843 --> 01:23:00,758
Or you mean like
love and family and children?
1908
01:23:00,801 --> 01:23:02,542
It's such a wide area
to cover, Jeanette.
1909
01:23:02,586 --> 01:23:04,196
Give me
that goddamn pocketbook!
1910
01:23:04,240 --> 01:23:05,893
Nothing's going
to happen to it!
1911
01:23:07,591 --> 01:23:10,898
I'm sorry, Jeanette,
I couldn't stand it anymore.
1912
01:23:10,942 --> 01:23:14,206
Oh, I feel so much better.
1913
01:23:14,250 --> 01:23:17,731
How much of life do you
actually enjoy, Barney?
1914
01:23:17,775 --> 01:23:19,864
What, are you still
on that, Jeanette, huh?
1915
01:23:19,907 --> 01:23:21,387
Give me a number,
a percentage.
1916
01:23:21,431 --> 01:23:26,827
Oh, 51%, 52%, 52.7%.
1917
01:23:26,871 --> 01:23:28,133
Is that a good number?
1918
01:23:28,177 --> 01:23:29,743
You know what
Dr. Margolis estimated
1919
01:23:29,787 --> 01:23:31,049
my percentage of
happiness is?
1920
01:23:31,093 --> 01:23:32,529
Oh, low.
1921
01:23:32,572 --> 01:23:35,053
I would, uh...
I would imagine it was low.
1922
01:23:35,097 --> 01:23:37,229
8.2 percent!
1923
01:23:37,273 --> 01:23:39,927
Ah, I was going to say
tops, a seven.
1924
01:23:39,971 --> 01:23:44,062
Jeanette,
I want you to trust me.
1925
01:23:44,106 --> 01:23:46,021
Watch this.
1926
01:24:01,732 --> 01:24:03,864
You know what that is, Jeanette?
1927
01:24:03,908 --> 01:24:05,823
That's a bed.
1928
01:24:05,866 --> 01:24:07,477
And we're not children,
Jeanette.
1929
01:24:07,520 --> 01:24:09,218
We both know why we're here.
1930
01:24:10,871 --> 01:24:12,786
I admit we're both
a little bit nervous about this,
1931
01:24:12,830 --> 01:24:15,050
but I have a suggestion,
1932
01:24:15,093 --> 01:24:18,357
a plan.
1933
01:24:18,401 --> 01:24:20,403
I think we've got to plunge in.
1934
01:24:20,446 --> 01:24:22,057
Now, I'm going to go
to the bathroom,
1935
01:24:22,100 --> 01:24:23,493
and I'm going
to prepare myself.
1936
01:24:23,536 --> 01:24:25,756
You stay out here--
the shades are closed--
1937
01:24:25,799 --> 01:24:27,105
you prepare yourself.
1938
01:24:27,149 --> 01:24:29,064
And then
when we're both prepared,
1939
01:24:29,107 --> 01:24:33,155
I'll come out of the bathroom,
and we'll plunge right in.
1940
01:24:33,198 --> 01:24:35,331
Okay, Jeanette?
1941
01:24:35,374 --> 01:24:36,854
I really think
that's the only way
1942
01:24:36,897 --> 01:24:38,334
this is going
to work out, Jeanette.
1943
01:24:38,377 --> 01:24:39,726
Okay?
1944
01:24:39,770 --> 01:24:41,815
I'll see you
in a few minutes.
1945
01:24:51,912 --> 01:24:54,437
I'm prepared, Jeanette.
1946
01:24:54,480 --> 01:24:56,395
Are you prepared,
Jeanette?
1947
01:24:57,788 --> 01:25:00,095
Jeanette?
1948
01:25:00,138 --> 01:25:03,533
I'm coming out.
1949
01:25:03,576 --> 01:25:05,404
Do you think people
are basically good, Barney?
1950
01:25:05,448 --> 01:25:07,058
Another question.
1951
01:25:07,102 --> 01:25:09,060
Do you, Barney-- do you think
they're basically good?
1952
01:25:09,104 --> 01:25:10,670
Yes! Yes! They're good!
They're all good!
1953
01:25:10,714 --> 01:25:12,194
No more questions,
Jeanette!
1954
01:25:12,237 --> 01:25:14,326
Do you think the whole world
is populated with decent,
1955
01:25:14,370 --> 01:25:15,414
gentle, loving
human beings?
1956
01:25:15,458 --> 01:25:17,068
I don't know, Jeanette!
1957
01:25:17,112 --> 01:25:18,635
I haven't met the whole world!
I haven't met them!
1958
01:25:18,678 --> 01:25:20,767
Look! You notice anything
different about me, Jeanette?
1959
01:25:20,811 --> 01:25:22,552
In other words, you
think there are some.
1960
01:25:22,595 --> 01:25:23,944
Some people
are decent.
Yes.
1961
01:25:23,988 --> 01:25:25,163
Gentle.
Right.
1962
01:25:25,207 --> 01:25:26,904
Loving human beings.Right, right, right.
1963
01:25:26,947 --> 01:25:27,948
What are you, blind?!
1964
01:25:27,992 --> 01:25:29,124
Look! Look!
1965
01:25:34,346 --> 01:25:36,305
I'm in my underwear, Jeanette.
1966
01:25:36,348 --> 01:25:37,871
A man is standing
in front of you
1967
01:25:37,915 --> 01:25:39,438
in black socks
and underwear.
1968
01:25:39,482 --> 01:25:41,179
Name some.
1969
01:25:41,223 --> 01:25:43,355
Name some decent,
gentle, loving
people, Barney.
1970
01:25:43,399 --> 01:25:44,356
Name ten.
1971
01:25:44,400 --> 01:25:45,923
Name ten?!
1972
01:25:45,966 --> 01:25:47,707
Name five. If you can't
name five, name three.
1973
01:25:47,751 --> 01:25:49,274
Three people out
of the whole world!
1974
01:25:49,318 --> 01:25:50,362
That's ridiculous.
1975
01:25:50,406 --> 01:25:51,363
I could name 300 people.
1976
01:25:51,407 --> 01:25:52,799
I could name 3,000 people.
1977
01:25:52,843 --> 01:25:54,410
You want me
to take off my shorts, Jeanette?
1978
01:25:54,453 --> 01:25:56,760
You want me to answer
that question in my black socks?
1979
01:25:56,803 --> 01:25:58,065
Name three.
1980
01:25:58,109 --> 01:25:59,066
Living or dead?
1981
01:25:59,110 --> 01:26:00,198
Three people, Barney.
1982
01:26:00,242 --> 01:26:01,591
Three fellow
1983
01:26:01,634 --> 01:26:05,290
human beings who are loving,
gentle and decent.
1984
01:26:05,334 --> 01:26:07,423
I suddenly feel...
1985
01:26:07,466 --> 01:26:09,425
very embarrassed.
1986
01:26:09,468 --> 01:26:10,861
You know what this is, Jeanette?
1987
01:26:12,123 --> 01:26:14,038
This is my mother's bathrobe.
1988
01:26:14,081 --> 01:26:15,257
I'm standing in front of you
1989
01:26:15,300 --> 01:26:18,390
wearing the robe
of a 73-year-old mother.
1990
01:26:18,434 --> 01:26:20,914
At least take off a goddamn shoe
or something.
1991
01:26:20,958 --> 01:26:22,786
:
You can't name them, can you?
1992
01:26:22,829 --> 01:26:24,266
All right,
all right.
1993
01:26:24,309 --> 01:26:25,571
I'll name them.
1994
01:26:28,357 --> 01:26:29,314
Let's see.
1995
01:26:30,489 --> 01:26:31,664
In the number one spot,
1996
01:26:31,708 --> 01:26:34,276
in the key position,
we have...
1997
01:26:34,319 --> 01:26:36,278
Albert Schweitzer.
1998
01:26:36,321 --> 01:26:37,931
That's one.
1999
01:26:37,975 --> 01:26:39,237
You accept
Schweitzer.
2000
01:26:39,281 --> 01:26:41,239
I'll accept Schweitzer
if you do.
2001
01:26:41,283 --> 01:26:42,545
Certainly, I
accept Schweitzer.
2002
01:26:42,588 --> 01:26:43,981
Everybody accepts
Schweitzer.
2003
01:26:44,024 --> 01:26:44,982
That's one, Jeanette.
2004
01:26:45,025 --> 01:26:46,462
Two more, and I'm in.
2005
01:26:46,505 --> 01:26:47,637
And I'm warning you right now,
Jeanette,
2006
01:26:47,680 --> 01:26:49,029
once I get those other two,
2007
01:26:49,073 --> 01:26:50,814
everything,
including the black socks,
2008
01:26:50,857 --> 01:26:51,989
are coming off.
2009
01:26:52,032 --> 01:26:54,165
So far you have Schweitzer.
2010
01:26:54,209 --> 01:26:56,820
Okay, all right,
I'm thinking, I'm thinking.
2011
01:26:56,863 --> 01:26:59,866
It's not easy to think
in your mother's bathrobe.
2012
01:26:59,910 --> 01:27:02,652
All right, number two,
and this may surprise you...
2013
01:27:02,695 --> 01:27:03,827
Thelma.
2014
01:27:03,870 --> 01:27:05,307
My wife Thelma.
2015
01:27:05,350 --> 01:27:07,483
Thelma is certainly a loving,
gentle woman.
2016
01:27:07,526 --> 01:27:08,701
That's two.
2017
01:27:08,745 --> 01:27:10,660
Don't rush me, don't rush me.
2018
01:27:10,703 --> 01:27:12,879
God, what an ugly woman
I would've made.
2019
01:27:12,923 --> 01:27:14,490
Schweitzer, Thelma.
2020
01:27:14,533 --> 01:27:16,492
Schweitzer, Thelma and...
2021
01:27:16,535 --> 01:27:17,797
Christ, I don't know.
2022
01:27:17,841 --> 01:27:19,843
Christ. Him.
2023
01:27:19,886 --> 01:27:21,279
That's three.
2024
01:27:21,323 --> 01:27:23,281
You did it, Barney.
I congratulate you.
2025
01:27:23,325 --> 01:27:24,500
It wasn't so hard.
2026
01:27:24,543 --> 01:27:25,762
I just picked
the big three:
2027
01:27:25,805 --> 01:27:27,067
Schweitzer,
Christ and Thelma.
2028
01:27:27,111 --> 01:27:28,330
I couldn't do it.
2029
01:27:28,373 --> 01:27:29,505
I couldn't pick
three people.
2030
01:27:29,548 --> 01:27:30,506
Not in this world.
2031
01:27:30,549 --> 01:27:31,507
Sure you could.
2032
01:27:31,550 --> 01:27:32,508
What about Christ?
2033
01:27:32,551 --> 01:27:34,031
Do you mean to say
2034
01:27:34,074 --> 01:27:35,685
that you don't think
Christ was a decent, kind,
2035
01:27:35,728 --> 01:27:36,860
generous human being?
2036
01:27:36,903 --> 01:27:37,861
Or Albert Schweitzer?
2037
01:27:37,904 --> 01:27:39,341
Mention people I know.
2038
01:27:39,384 --> 01:27:40,559
All right. Thelma.
2039
01:27:40,603 --> 01:27:41,734
What about Thelma?
2040
01:27:41,778 --> 01:27:43,083
I told you before,
2041
01:27:43,127 --> 01:27:44,955
I consider Thelma a
loving and gentle woman.
2042
01:27:44,998 --> 01:27:47,044
All right, hold on.
2043
01:27:47,087 --> 01:27:49,220
That's the second time
you left out decent.
2044
01:27:49,264 --> 01:27:50,613
Why did you leave out decent?
2045
01:27:50,656 --> 01:27:52,397
Do you consider
Thelma decent?
2046
01:27:52,441 --> 01:27:54,530
Thelma Cashman is
the most decent woman
2047
01:27:54,573 --> 01:27:55,879
on the face of the earth.
2048
01:27:55,922 --> 01:27:57,141
Are you making inferences
2049
01:27:57,184 --> 01:27:59,317
concerning the decency
of my wife Thelma?
2050
01:27:59,361 --> 01:28:00,710
I'm not making
any inferences.
2051
01:28:00,753 --> 01:28:01,885
You indicated
some doubt.
2052
01:28:01,928 --> 01:28:04,322
Doubt? Doubt? About Thelma?
2053
01:28:04,366 --> 01:28:05,454
I grew up with her.
2054
01:28:05,497 --> 01:28:06,846
I spent my whole life with her.
2055
01:28:06,890 --> 01:28:08,892
Thelma Cashman
is beyond reproach.
2056
01:28:08,935 --> 01:28:11,068
She's as totally incapable
of an act of deception
2057
01:28:11,111 --> 01:28:13,070
as you would be
or as I would be.
2058
01:28:13,113 --> 01:28:14,332
Oh!
2059
01:28:14,376 --> 01:28:16,291
Oh, my God.
2060
01:28:18,858 --> 01:28:21,252
So you have
Schweitzer and Christ.
2061
01:28:21,296 --> 01:28:23,341
You have one more pick.
2062
01:28:23,385 --> 01:28:24,560
It's not true.
2063
01:28:24,603 --> 01:28:26,562
Not Thelma.
2064
01:28:26,605 --> 01:28:29,521
Why are you doing this to me?!
2065
01:28:29,565 --> 01:28:32,089
Is there something you know
about Thelma that I don't know?!
2066
01:28:32,132 --> 01:28:35,527
I'll find out anyway,
so you might as well tell me.
2067
01:28:35,571 --> 01:28:36,963
Do you hear me, Jeanette?
2068
01:28:37,007 --> 01:28:38,878
I demand to hear about Thelma!
2069
01:28:38,922 --> 01:28:41,446
Thelma Cashman is the only
loving, decent
2070
01:28:41,490 --> 01:28:43,405
and gentle woman I've ever met,
2071
01:28:43,448 --> 01:28:44,971
and the fact
that you could doubt her
2072
01:28:45,015 --> 01:28:47,626
is an act of indecency
on your part.
2073
01:28:47,670 --> 01:28:50,107
You are not a decent
human being, Barney.
2074
01:28:50,150 --> 01:28:52,283
Neither am I,
because I'm
here with you,
2075
01:28:52,327 --> 01:28:54,285
knowing what
Thelma is.
2076
01:28:54,329 --> 01:28:57,114
Neither is Mel,
because it's his fault I'm here.
2077
01:28:57,157 --> 01:28:59,421
We're not decent
people, Barney.
2078
01:28:59,464 --> 01:29:00,987
Only Thelma is.
2079
01:29:01,031 --> 01:29:02,424
But she thinks
2080
01:29:02,467 --> 01:29:04,469
you're the most
decent one of us all.
2081
01:29:04,513 --> 01:29:07,603
:
So that makes her
an idiot in my eyes.
2082
01:29:07,646 --> 01:29:10,693
The world is made up of
indecent people and idiots,
2083
01:29:10,736 --> 01:29:13,217
and that's what I
think about all day.
2084
01:29:13,260 --> 01:29:15,262
Is it any wonder
I take Digilene?
2085
01:29:18,353 --> 01:29:21,356
Well, I've never been
so depressed in my entire life.
2086
01:29:21,399 --> 01:29:22,792
I finally found out
2087
01:29:22,835 --> 01:29:24,794
who Mel's been having
an affair with.
2088
01:29:24,837 --> 01:29:26,752
Charlotte Korman,
my best friend.
2089
01:29:26,796 --> 01:29:28,145
:
You know who told me?
2090
01:29:28,188 --> 01:29:29,364
Who?
2091
01:29:29,407 --> 01:29:30,495
He did.
2092
01:29:30,539 --> 01:29:32,628
2:00 in the morning,
he leans over,
2093
01:29:32,671 --> 01:29:34,325
taps me on the
shoulder and says,
2094
01:29:34,369 --> 01:29:37,850
"I've had an affair
with Charlotte Korman."
2095
01:29:37,894 --> 01:29:39,765
Who asked him?
2096
01:29:39,809 --> 01:29:42,159
You know why
he told me?
2097
01:29:42,202 --> 01:29:44,901
He explained we're
living in a new
guiltless society.
2098
01:29:44,944 --> 01:29:46,337
You can do
whatever you want
2099
01:29:46,381 --> 01:29:48,470
as long as you're
honest about it.
2100
01:29:48,513 --> 01:29:51,603
In the old days,
I would've gone to my grave
2101
01:29:51,647 --> 01:29:54,606
ignorant of the wonderful
and beautiful knowledge
2102
01:29:54,650 --> 01:29:57,130
that my husband
was spending his afternoons...
2103
01:29:58,741 --> 01:30:02,266
humping Charlotte Korman.
2104
01:30:02,309 --> 01:30:04,355
I estimate
2105
01:30:04,399 --> 01:30:06,096
going four times a week,
2106
01:30:06,139 --> 01:30:07,576
I should be through
with my analyst
2107
01:30:07,619 --> 01:30:09,186
in about a year,
2108
01:30:09,229 --> 01:30:11,014
and then,
when we both think I'm ready,
2109
01:30:11,057 --> 01:30:13,712
I'm going to
get in my car
2110
01:30:13,756 --> 01:30:16,280
and drive off the
Verrazano Bridge.
2111
01:30:18,413 --> 01:30:20,371
In the meantime,
Barney,
2112
01:30:20,415 --> 01:30:21,851
I'm very depressed.
2113
01:30:23,418 --> 01:30:25,071
Excuse me.
2114
01:30:25,115 --> 01:30:26,856
It's nothing personal,
2115
01:30:26,899 --> 01:30:28,684
but I don't think we're
going to have our affair.
2116
01:30:31,034 --> 01:30:32,514
I'm not indecent, Jeanette.
2117
01:30:32,557 --> 01:30:34,429
:
Tell me I'm not indecent.
2118
01:30:34,472 --> 01:30:35,604
It's important to me.
2119
01:30:35,647 --> 01:30:36,822
Don't start
in, Barney.
2120
01:30:36,866 --> 01:30:38,476
I've got one
Digilene left.
2121
01:30:38,520 --> 01:30:40,173
All right, all right,
we're no good!
2122
01:30:40,217 --> 01:30:43,176
Indecent, unfeeling,
unloving animals, all of us!
2123
01:30:43,220 --> 01:30:44,917
But you don't know
the half of it!
2124
01:30:44,961 --> 01:30:47,877
You don't know how filthy
and ugly I am deep down inside.
2125
01:30:47,920 --> 01:30:50,053
You think you're the first woman
I had up here?
2126
01:30:50,096 --> 01:30:51,358
Ha.
2127
01:30:51,402 --> 01:30:53,360
Want to hear about Elaine, huh?
2128
01:30:53,404 --> 01:30:55,537
A coughing woman
of Polish persuasion
2129
01:30:55,580 --> 01:30:59,018
who ate flounder four times
in one week, huh?
2130
01:30:59,062 --> 01:31:00,498
Want to hear about Bobbi?
2131
01:31:00,542 --> 01:31:02,108
A psycho nightclub singer
2132
01:31:02,152 --> 01:31:04,981
who-who's living and sleeping
with a Nazi vocal coach.
2133
01:31:05,024 --> 01:31:06,199
We sat here on this couch
2134
01:31:06,243 --> 01:31:08,419
and smoked a carton
of marijuana.
2135
01:31:08,463 --> 01:31:09,507
And you know
what happened?
2136
01:31:09,551 --> 01:31:10,900
You know what happened,
Jeanette?
2137
01:31:10,943 --> 01:31:12,554
Nothing happened,
that's what happened,
2138
01:31:12,597 --> 01:31:14,512
because I was looking
for something beautiful
2139
01:31:14,556 --> 01:31:15,905
and something decent.
2140
01:31:15,948 --> 01:31:17,559
And then I invited you up here--
2141
01:31:17,602 --> 01:31:19,082
a woman who grabbed me
2142
01:31:19,125 --> 01:31:20,779
in her kitchen
last Thursday evening,
2143
01:31:20,823 --> 01:31:22,912
pinned me down on top
of her dishwashing machine.
2144
01:31:22,955 --> 01:31:25,131
I had mayonnaise stains
all over the back of my jacket
2145
01:31:25,175 --> 01:31:26,437
when I got home.
2146
01:31:26,481 --> 01:31:28,395
Then you come up here,
and what do you do?
2147
01:31:28,439 --> 01:31:30,572
You take depressing pills
and hang on to your pocketbook.
2148
01:31:30,615 --> 01:31:31,964
Again, nothing happened.
2149
01:31:32,008 --> 01:31:34,706
Why? Because I was looking
for something decent
2150
01:31:34,750 --> 01:31:37,100
and something beautiful.
2151
01:31:37,143 --> 01:31:38,884
But I'm not looking anymore,
2152
01:31:38,928 --> 01:31:40,582
'cause it doesn't exist,
Jeanette.
2153
01:31:40,625 --> 01:31:41,887
You were right.
2154
01:31:41,931 --> 01:31:43,976
There is no decency,
no love, no kindness.
2155
01:31:44,020 --> 01:31:46,196
No people like that anymore
in the world.
2156
01:31:46,239 --> 01:31:48,981
But if we're guilty,
2157
01:31:49,025 --> 01:31:52,158
then let's at least
commit the crime.
2158
01:31:52,202 --> 01:31:54,639
If... if we're indecent,
2159
01:31:54,683 --> 01:31:57,120
let's have a couple
of terrific indecencies.
2160
01:31:57,163 --> 01:31:58,513
Come on, Jeanette!
2161
01:31:59,731 --> 01:32:01,951
Get off! Get off!
2162
01:32:08,174 --> 01:32:10,437
Who you do you think
you're fooling around with, huh?
2163
01:32:10,481 --> 01:32:12,135
Some kid, some amateur?
I'm a pro, baby!
2164
01:32:12,178 --> 01:32:13,571
Barney...I know the ropes!
2165
01:32:13,615 --> 01:32:15,442
I do not think
this is funny.
2166
01:32:15,486 --> 01:32:16,443
How about a little pot?!
2167
01:32:16,487 --> 01:32:17,575
Couple of puffs of pot?
2168
01:32:17,619 --> 01:32:18,924
A little joint
for Jeanettie, huh?
2169
01:32:18,968 --> 01:32:20,926
Barney, get away from me.
2170
01:32:20,970 --> 01:32:22,667
I am not kidding!How about some words?
Let's hear language.
2171
01:32:22,711 --> 01:32:24,016
Screw! Assholes!
2172
01:32:24,060 --> 01:32:26,062
Come on, Jeanette!
Take charge here!
2173
01:32:26,105 --> 01:32:27,150
Come on!I want to go!
2174
01:32:27,193 --> 01:32:28,978
Come on...
2175
01:32:29,021 --> 01:32:29,979
Come on...I'm not kidding!
2176
01:32:30,022 --> 01:32:30,980
I'm not kidding,
either!
2177
01:32:31,023 --> 01:32:32,285
You think
I'm kidding?
2178
01:32:32,329 --> 01:32:33,548
I don't want to hear
your sad stories.
2179
01:32:33,591 --> 01:32:34,810
I don't want to hear
your heartbreak.
2180
01:32:34,853 --> 01:32:36,202
I want your flesh!
2181
01:32:36,246 --> 01:32:37,595
Barney, you must be
out of your head!
2182
01:32:37,639 --> 01:32:39,118
Barney, what's
wrong with you?
2183
01:32:39,162 --> 01:32:41,077
Nothing's wrong with...
2184
01:32:42,339 --> 01:32:44,428
Nothing's wrong with me, baby!
2185
01:32:44,471 --> 01:32:45,603
I know the ropes!
2186
01:32:45,647 --> 01:32:46,822
I know where it's at.
2187
01:32:46,865 --> 01:32:47,823
I'm in.
2188
01:32:47,866 --> 01:32:49,607
Come on, come on.
2189
01:32:49,651 --> 01:32:51,827
Take off your sports ensemble,
I'll take off my robe.
2190
01:32:54,046 --> 01:32:55,961
Barney, please,
I'm scared.
2191
01:32:56,005 --> 01:32:57,441
You're not like
this! I know you're
not like this!
2192
01:32:57,484 --> 01:32:59,095
Okay, what am I like?
Tell me what I'm like.
2193
01:32:59,138 --> 01:33:00,400
You're quiet,
you're intelligent.
2194
01:33:00,444 --> 01:33:01,619
What else?! I want
to hear more.
2195
01:33:01,663 --> 01:33:03,055
You're not mean.
2196
01:33:03,099 --> 01:33:04,535
I've never seen you do
a mean thing in my life.
2197
01:33:04,579 --> 01:33:05,971
Barney, please,
I'm scared to death.
2198
01:33:06,015 --> 01:33:07,320
Quiet, intelligent.
2199
01:33:07,364 --> 01:33:08,321
I want to hear another
one, come on.
2200
01:33:08,365 --> 01:33:09,540
You're kind.
2201
01:33:09,584 --> 01:33:10,541
You're the kindest man
I ever met.
2202
01:33:10,585 --> 01:33:11,760
Barney, let me go.
2203
01:33:11,803 --> 01:33:13,326
I'm not going
to let you go!
2204
01:33:13,370 --> 01:33:14,327
You're staying till
your pocketbook rots.
2205
01:33:14,371 --> 01:33:15,633
I want to hear more!
2206
01:33:15,677 --> 01:33:17,243
You're kind and good
and intelligent...
2207
01:33:17,287 --> 01:33:18,941
You said intelligent already!
I heard intelligent.
2208
01:33:18,984 --> 01:33:20,638
I want to hear another one
I haven't heard before.
2209
01:33:20,682 --> 01:33:21,770
And decent.Decent! That's the one
I wanted to hear.
2210
01:33:21,813 --> 01:33:23,032
Decent! You are!
You're decent.
2211
01:33:23,075 --> 01:33:24,424
Decent, and what
else, Jeanette?
2212
01:33:24,468 --> 01:33:25,991
And loving!Decent, gentle
and loving.
2213
01:33:26,035 --> 01:33:27,166
Yes! Yes!
2214
01:33:27,210 --> 01:33:28,341
But how can I
be, Jeanette?
2215
01:33:28,385 --> 01:33:29,604
You said there's
nobody decent
2216
01:33:29,647 --> 01:33:30,605
gentle and loving
in the world.
2217
01:33:30,648 --> 01:33:31,867
Just you.
Only you, Barney.
2218
01:33:31,910 --> 01:33:33,129
And Thelma?And Thelma!
2219
01:33:33,172 --> 01:33:35,000
Well, that's
two, Jeanette.
2220
01:33:35,044 --> 01:33:36,741
If there's two,
then there must
be somebody else.
2221
01:33:36,785 --> 01:33:38,090
Come on, Jeanette,
let's hear it.
2222
01:33:38,134 --> 01:33:39,526
No. I don't know,
I don't know!
2223
01:33:39,570 --> 01:33:41,006
Come on, I want to
hear one more person.
2224
01:33:41,050 --> 01:33:44,183
There are no more.
There... Mel!
2225
01:33:44,227 --> 01:33:45,402
I want Mel!
2226
01:33:45,445 --> 01:33:46,838
Why do you
want Mel?
2227
01:33:46,882 --> 01:33:49,362
'Cause I-I-I... I... I...
2228
01:33:49,406 --> 01:33:50,537
I want him, I need him.
2229
01:33:50,581 --> 01:33:51,843
Because you love him?
2230
01:33:51,887 --> 01:33:54,280
Yes. Yes.
2231
01:33:54,324 --> 01:33:55,673
Well, how can
you love anybody
2232
01:33:55,717 --> 01:33:57,675
that's not gentle,
kind and decent?
2233
01:33:57,719 --> 01:33:59,155
:
He is, he is.
2234
01:33:59,198 --> 01:34:01,374
I don't care
what he's done.
2235
01:34:01,418 --> 01:34:03,333
I want Mel.
2236
01:34:05,552 --> 01:34:06,771
That's three.
2237
01:34:06,815 --> 01:34:09,121
I knew you could
come up with it.
2238
01:34:09,165 --> 01:34:10,775
What's happened
to us, Barney?
2239
01:34:10,819 --> 01:34:12,690
What's happened
to the world?
2240
01:34:12,734 --> 01:34:14,518
I can't keep up with it.
2241
01:34:14,561 --> 01:34:15,780
In London, I've read about it.
2242
01:34:15,824 --> 01:34:18,130
In New York, I heard about it.
2243
01:34:18,174 --> 01:34:21,003
I never expected it
in Great Neck.
2244
01:34:25,268 --> 01:34:26,878
You okay?
2245
01:34:26,922 --> 01:34:31,143
You want to
compose yourself?
2246
01:34:31,187 --> 01:34:34,277
It'd take me
the rest of my life.
2247
01:34:41,197 --> 01:34:42,502
Good-bye.
2248
01:34:42,546 --> 01:34:43,503
Bye.
2249
01:34:43,547 --> 01:34:44,983
Swear to me
2250
01:34:45,027 --> 01:34:46,245
that you'll never
breathe a word of this
2251
01:34:46,289 --> 01:34:48,117
to a living soul.
2252
01:34:48,160 --> 01:34:51,250
May I have a coronary occlusion
in my doctor's office, Jeanette.
2253
01:34:52,556 --> 01:34:54,514
Say hello to Mel for me.
2254
01:34:54,558 --> 01:34:55,777
No, no!
2255
01:34:57,996 --> 01:35:00,259
Crazy!
What was I starting in for?
2256
01:35:00,303 --> 01:35:02,174
I'm a happily married man.
2257
01:35:14,796 --> 01:35:16,275
I will never do that again.
2258
01:35:16,319 --> 01:35:18,103
Never, never,
never, never, never.
2259
01:35:18,147 --> 01:35:20,410
Never, never.
Mm-mm.
2260
01:35:25,458 --> 01:35:27,547
Hello, Thelma.
How are you?
2261
01:35:27,591 --> 01:35:28,897
Yeah, you busy?
2262
01:35:28,940 --> 01:35:30,768
Listen, uh, honey,
2263
01:35:30,812 --> 01:35:32,117
why don't we meet
this afternoon?
2264
01:35:32,161 --> 01:35:33,858
We'll do something.
2265
01:35:33,902 --> 01:35:36,731
No, not at the restaurant.
At my mother's apartment.
2266
01:35:38,167 --> 01:35:40,038
No, she didn't invite us
for dinner.
2267
01:35:41,823 --> 01:35:44,826
I-I just want you
to meet me there, that's all.
2268
01:35:44,869 --> 01:35:48,438
No. Stop... stop being stubborn.
2269
01:35:48,481 --> 01:35:51,528
I just want you to meet me
at my mother's apartment.
2270
01:35:51,571 --> 01:35:53,748
No, why... why is that strange?
2271
01:35:53,791 --> 01:35:56,751
I don't think that's so strange.
2272
01:35:56,794 --> 01:35:59,318
I think it's strange of you
to think it's strange of me.
2273
01:35:59,362 --> 01:36:03,235
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2274
01:36:03,279 --> 01:36:07,196
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