All language subtitles for Cake.S03E03_English

(insects chirping)

GILBERT: Well...

I'm not sure I took
the right trail

since that squirrel stole
my compass.

Okay.

I must be a bit lost,
but don't panic, Gilbert.

You still have
your safety whistle‐‐

‐(animal growls loudly)
‐(screams)

(panting)
Sweet Jesus, what was that?

Okay, don't panic, Gilbert.

For now, just try to find

and follow the North Star.

(lightning crackles,
thunder booms)

(whistle blows, echoes)

(echoing) Help!

(smooth electronic music)

♪♪ ♪♪

JOHN: David,
what are you doing?

DAVID: Shut up.
Dude, just shut up.

Just wait.

Ahh...

ahh‐ahh...

Oh, no,
you're doing that thing.

It's not working.
You know, back in the day,

if you held a slice
of cafeteria pizza like this,

everything would slide off into
your mouth like a mudslide.

It was delicious.

The gastronomy club
petitioned them

to use better tomato paste.

Oh, there you go.

Sustained activism is the key
to social progress.

Well,
you ruined pizza chugging.

Congratulations.

Okay, look,
we're not technically

supposed to be
on school property at all,

so let's get down to it.

How can we help you?

Have y'all ever heard
of Party Pines?

Kids party there
on the weekend.

Oh, yes.

Yes, we're familiar
with Party Pines.

‐Really?
‐What are your names again?

‐He's Colin.
‐She's Phoebe.

All right,
Phoebe and Colin,

I'ma put y'all up
on some history.

I tapped the first‐ever keg
at Party Pines.

Me and my bros
founded that place.

It's like going up
to Christopher Columbus

and saying, "Oh, have you heard
about this place?

"It's really great.
It's called America.

I think you would like it."
He's like,

"Yeah, I know all about it.
I'm the one who invented it."

‐Why that acc‐‐
‐'Cause he's Italian.

‐Oh, God.
‐Yeah.

So you're Christopher Columbus?

Yeah, if he did
upside‐down beer bongs

on a sick‐ass tire swing
he built himself.

So you're okay having the blood
of genocide on your hands?

Uh, it rules, obviously.

I got a holiday out of it.

‐Okay, that's‐‐
‐I win.

‐All right, Howard Zinn,
let's, uh,

let's move on to their case,
please.

Anyway,

something strange
is happening at Party Pines.

(twig snaps)

For the last few weeks,

there's been a thing
in the woods.

COLIN: Just standing there
watching us.

Not to creep‐shame,
but it's kind of creepy.

(gasps) Dude, I wonder if it's
the lurker of Party Pines.

Do you remember him?

I wouldn't remember
the lurker of Party Pines,

because I was never invited
to Party Pines.

Who's the lurker
of Party Pines?

Back when we were
in high school,

he was this weirdo
who hid in the woods

and just watched us.

(twig snaps)

And we all thought
maybe he was, like,

an escaped lunatic from
the Dicktown Lunatic Asylum,

'cause that's where they kept
all the lunatics.

But that was, like,
50 years ago.

You think it's the same guy?

No, he would be dead by now,
of course,

but perhaps it's his ghost.

Whatever it is,
we want it to leave us alone.

Kids shouldn't have to look
over their shoulders

when they're partying illegally
in the woods.

(door opens)

MAN: Hey.

‐Oh, dude.
‐MAN: Hey, you.

‐We gotta go, we gotta go.
‐We'll see you tomorrow night.

Hey, My Two Dads,
get out of here.

Thanks for the pizza.

(dramatic music)

Man, I didn't know
you believed in ghosts.

I don't believe in ghosts.

You just said
it could be a ghost.

David, you have friends,
and you have good hair,

but I have something
even better.

Yeah, I know, a houseboat.

An analytical mind.

‐Oh.
‐I don't believe in ghosts.

I'm a skeptic.

However, I do need money
to pay for the houseboat,

and therefore,

why not pose
as ghost hunters...

‐Oh, snap.
‐In order to get more work?

Damn,
I love your analytical mind,

your hot,
throbbing analytical mind.

It explodes, and I get thoughts
all over my face,

and I go crazy.

Oh, no thank you.

(energetic percussive music)

(spacey music)

♪♪ ♪♪

(footsteps thumping)

(gasps)

♪♪ ♪♪

(gunshots)

♪♪ ♪♪

(panting)

(smooth electronic music)

(smooth electronic music)

(slurping)

(sighs, farts)
Whoops.

Did you fart?

Uh, no.

It's the cushion, I think.

(clears throat)

So have you been getting
any more business lately?

Have you been getting any calls
from new prospective clients?

I‐I have taken on
some new clients

recently, yes, why?

Well, I left you a very
positive review online.

Oh.

So I thought maybe that
stirred up some business.

Thank you, that's very nice.

Are you familiar
with Dr. Ned Zappastein?

I‐I do know him, yes, why?

Well, you just
leapfrogged him on Yelp.

You are number 7
in the area now.

Oh!
How exciting.

(both laugh)

I, uh, left him
a bit of a review too, yeah.

Check this out.

Okay.

Let's see what you did here.

Okay.

You need to delete that
right now.

What?
Why?

Because you call him
an alcoholic

and you claim
he'd excused himself

to go drink in the bathroom.

‐Yeah, so?
‐Well, that's a lie.

And you're gonna destroy
his reputation.

What the‐‐
who gives a shit?

What about your reputation?

You're a great doctor,

and that schmuck's
got a better score?

Why are you so upset?

I appreciate
your positive review.

Yeah, well, that's not
even the best part.

The best part is that I nailed
the Zappastein guy.

And why is that the best part?

Because it's funny.

Oh, boo‐hoo,
he gets a little hurt.

I get hurt every day,
nobody cares.

What hurts you?

(sighs)

‐(grunts)
‐What hurts you?

Oh, my God, nothing hurts me.
I am an impenetrable fort.

You just said
that you get hurt.

It's a figure of speech.

You think
that you could hurt me?

‐Come on, try.
‐I don't want to hurt you.

Come on.
Let's go. Try.

‐I don't want to.
‐No, I'm serious, come on.

Come on.
Come on, try.

‐You know what I see?
‐What?

I see someone very brave
sitting across from me.

I see someone taking
those very difficult

first steps,

to show their pain, to heal,

and to let people in.

And I see someone
who's grateful

for their progress
but is still grappling

with some old negative habits.

I see a great man
peeking through‐‐

Are you‐‐
is that‐‐

are you drinking alcohol?

Yeah, sorry, I zoned out.
(clears throat)

Excuse me,
I gotta go use the bathroom.

I'm just gonna be honest
with you,

I, uh...about to get hammered.

Probably not coming back.

(mellow jazz music)

♪♪ Uh‐huh ♪♪

♪♪ ♪♪

(rock music)

Tucker, we need supplies.

TUCKER (over phone): They sell
adult diapers at CVS.

Very funny.
We're coming over.

TUCKER (over phone): No,
you already owe me $500.

Plus, I'm not home.

DAVID: He is totally lying.

Plus, you still haven't
returned my binoculars.

Okay, that part's true.

Ghost hunting gear?

Do you even believe
in paranormal stuff?

What‐‐what does it matter
what I "believe."

Does anything matter?

Mm, your rejection
of bourgeois labels is hot.

I thought it was
existential nihilism.

I'm still aroused.
Here, take these goggles.

All right, well,
what do these do?

Help you see at night, genius.

That's why they're called
night vision goggles.

Okay, okay, I didn't know
what kind of goggles they were.

‐I'm sorry.
‐(laughs)

I thought maybe they were
micro‐penis goggles

for looking
at your micro‐penis.

‐Guys, guys, okay.
‐'Cause it's so tiny,

you need goggles to see it.

Okay, what else do you have,
Tucker?

Uh, you can say
this old graphing calculator

is an EMF meter.

What's EMF?

BOTH:
Electromagnetic frequency.

‐DAVID: What?
‐Duh.

‐Ugh, these nerds.
‐Okay, keep it coming, Tucker.

What else?
‐I guess you could tape

this old Xbox to a bike helmet.

Well, that sounds perfect.

That will actually look
kind of cool.

All right, and we'll need
these walkie‐talkies.

Okay, you already owe me five,
so that comes to $800.

‐Oh, David.
‐Yeah, right.

How about $200

and we don't tell your parents
about all this?

No way.

Tucker, my dad will kill me.

Mine too.

(ominous music)

‐(inhales) Mmm, Party Pines.
‐(groans)

It's good to be back.

Yes, Party Pines.

You know, you said we never
invited you here,

but we totally did, man.

Oh, that's right.
You did invite me once

to solve the mystery
of the wrong bong.

No, this is your bong, Taylor.

Dude, if that was my bong,
I'd be high right now,

and if I was high,
I'd be paranoid, but I'm not.

That proves somebody snuck up
in here and replaced it

with an exact replica, man.

Taylor, it literally has
your name on it.

Duh, that's because
it's an exact replica.

That's the level of mastermind
that we're dealing with.

(sighs)

Don't sigh.
It's rude.

Ahh!

‐Still an open case, buddy.
‐No, it isn't.

(ominous music)

Hey, y'all.
What's up?

Uh, where is the keg?

Keg?
What are you, cops?

They're too old to be cops.

Whoa,
cool graphing calculator.

This is an EMF meter, bruh.
We're ghost hunters.

That's right.

If anyone has issues
with ghosts or demons,

Hunchman Paranormal
Investigations can help.

Where did you get those beers?

Beer?

Beer impairs
your mental activity, dude.

This is Super Soylent.

It has cognition‐enhancing
nutrients.

Really?

Even folate coenzymes?

Wait, hold on.

You're drinking to get smart?

You're supposed to drink
to get dumb.

Dude,
something's not right.

Huh? Wait.

What the...

What happened
to my Party Pines?

Welcome to Party Pines 2.0.

Wait a minute.

‐This looks like a TED Talk.
‐What's that?

Oh, it's an annual conference
of thought leaders...

‐Boring, boring.
‐That meets in Vancouver

to present and discuss issues
of the day in technology,

entertainment, and design.
‐Boring!

We call it
Cognitive Campfire Talks.

We've disrupted
the partying paradigm.

We get buzzed on ideas.

‐And Adderall.
‐But mostly ideas.

Oh, where was this
when I was in school?

We're all about
leveraging knowledge

to improve our chances
in today's zero‐sum economy.

That sounds fun as shit.

We're about to start
tonight's program.

Okay, guys,
cognitive campfire is starting.

May's up first,
game theory for beginners.

(dramatic music)

Well, that sounds
really interesting.

I could use a refresher
on game theory.

So you better go
stand guard now.

Oh, right.

Come on,
let's go secure the perimeter

so these nerds can make out
with each other's brains.

(discordant electronic music)

(hip‐hop music)

(birds and insects chirping)

NIGEL: When Brian drops me
off, I feel like a schlub.

If I pull up
in a car of my own,

I'll feel good about myself.

I'm not talking, like,
a new car or anything.

Just a used car.

2004 maybe.

With power locks and windows.

Yeah, why don't‐‐
why don't you get a car then?

I can't.
My credit's shit.

I saw a movie about a man
who got his driver's license

taken away
'cause he was so old,

but then his brother got sick

so he actually drove
across the country

on a John Deere lawnmower
to see him.

Why don't you do that?

(sighs) They made
a whole movie about that?

Hooded oriole.

(sings)

(gentle music)

♪♪ ♪♪

Hey, Nigel.

Yeah?

Have you ever tried
putting an Altoid

in a glass of hot water?

NIGEL: Uh, no.

Um, I did it the other day.

I thought it might help
my sore throat,

but it didn't.

It was just a glass of water
that tasted like Altoids.

(chirping)

NIGEL: I used to get this
way where I would‐‐

when I had too many beers,
I'd just wanna go to bed,

and I also just wanted to get
the rest of the energy out.

When I was at a party
and I had too many beers,

I would just leave and run
the whole way home.

(panting)

You never done that?

No.

(singing)

(gentle music)

♪♪ ♪♪

Do you remember

the specific moment
that mortality occurred to you?

Uh, I don't know.
I don't think so.

MAN: Do you remember when
Tom Stoli and Brian Bryce,

those senior lacrosse players,
drove into a tree

'cause they were
drinking and driving?

Yeah.

MAN: Those guys were the
biggest and strongest of us,

and I realized that if they
could end up in wheelchairs,

I mean, that's it for me.

(sighs)

NIGEL: Well, you know what,
I do remember

the first time
I thought about mortality.

Remember that afternoon
when Mom let us stay

after school and play
on the playground?

Yeah.

NIGEL: The son was kinda
going down.

I looked over at you,
and you were having fun.

And I looked over at Mom,
who was playing with Helen.

I realized she's gonna be
at school with us eventually,

but maybe not for too long,

'cause then we'd be going
to middle school

and high school
and get older and so on.

I looked over at mom,
realized that she's going

to get older as well,
and so on and so forth,

and that eventually
we would all pass away.

(owl hoots)

Well, I ran into
Ellen O'Neal the other day,

and she was telling me
that they tore down

that playground
just a few years ago,

because the wood was, uh,
weather‐treated

with chromated
copper arsenate.

♪♪ ♪♪

Isn't that kinda crazy though?

What?

That that specific realization

happened to me while we were
playing on that playground.

♪♪ ♪♪

(sighs)

Look, it's Apis.
The big bird in the sky.

MAN: Yeah, that's good.

(mellow percussive music)

♪♪ ♪♪

Drinking used to be fun
and part of my personality,

and now I just wanna get
back to my house and eat pizza.

I only go out for the part
at the end

when we're all eating pizza.

(mellow music)

(smooth electronic music)

(gentle psychedelic music)

Yesterday, I was‐‐
I was drifting in a spot,

and I was thinking,
you know, this feels good,

and then I moved

about a fraction of
a millimeter to the left.

Yeah.

And I thought, not for me.

Yeah, 'cause I bumped into you,
and you seemed down.

Oh, look‐‐all right.

‐No.
‐Can you‐‐

Can you confirm or deny
the following?

That over there is Adrian.

‐Um, confirmed.
‐(both laugh)

Oh, Adrian.

You gonna come over?

Hey‐oh! Hey‐oh!

"My name is Adrian."

Run for cover,
it's the A bomb!

Come on, get over here,
Adrian!

Hey, how's the big shoal
treating you, buddy, huh?

Coming back to join us?

Hey, guys, no, no.

I've just been on a quick
visit to see my parents,

so, well, yeah‐‐
I've probably, yeah,

gotta head off.
Big meeting tomorrow, so...

Why don't you stick around

and have a little drift
while you're here?

Yeah, just have
a little drift nw.

Yeah, yeah, I'd love to,
but, you know, as I said‐‐

‐Great. If you'd love to.
‐Good.

‐I would love to, yeah‐‐
‐Oh, perfect.

Caught you there,
haven't we?

If you'd love to,
then have a drift.

Who are you meeting?

Well, I mean, you wouldn't‐‐
you wouldn't really understand.

‐You‐‐
‐BOTH: Ohhh.

Okay, right.

What's a meeting?
'Cause I don't understand.

Hmm, a meeting.
Is it a type of cabbage?

Okay, well‐‐

I couldn't possibly
understand.

I didn't mean
to be rude, but‐‐

Oh, please, sire, sir,
what is this?

Oh, but the irony is
you don't understand,

and you wouldn't so...

I think I understand
what's going on here.

‐Lay it out for me.
‐He's a big man now.

Just 'cause I've done
something, you know?

I haven't just sat around.

Oh, you think
you're so special?

That's what all you
shoal organisms think.

But look, look,
from over here, Adrian,

you all look
exactly the same.

♪♪ ♪♪

(bright synth music)

(ominous music)

(groans)

These woods are definitely
creepier than I remember.

Do you see anything?
Over.

Breaker one‐nine,
that is a negative.

I see nothing.

Okay, like a said before,

please say "over"
to end your transmission, okay?

‐Over.
‐Got it.

Over.

Thank you, over.

‐DAVID: You're welcome, penis.
‐(groans)

You know, I wonder if they put
their lectures on YouTube.

I should probably check out...
(gasps)

David.

Oh, my God, David,
the mystery man.

What do I do?
David, what do I do?

DAVID: You can start
by saying "over."

This isn't funny.
Over.

He's coming for me.

David, help me.
Over.

(breathing heavily)

He was so close.
I felt his evil.

What do I do?
What do I do?

Use your analytical mind.

Right, I can do this.

Target left the clearing
at 9:30

traveling approximately
five miles per hour.

You started running at 9:31.

If you run 30 degrees
to the east

at 5.25 miles per hour,
you'll cut him off at the creek

at 9:34 p. m., over.

I'm on it, over.

In conclusion,
the key to game theory is...

(all gasp)

Hi‐ho, nerds.

Look who we got.

Now they'll see who this

non‐ghost mystery man
really is.

‐DAVID: Cam Smith.
‐JOHN: Exactly.

Cam Smith.

I'm sorry.
I've never heard of him.

Yeah, me neither, actually.
Who's Cam Smith?

Uh,
he's the starting center

on your high school
basketball team,

the Junior Tobaccaneers.

What, you guys don't support
the Junior Tobacs?

All sports cause concussions.

Ugh, why were you hiding
in the woods?

Well, I heard about
these cool lectures,

well, I‐‐I knew they'd
never invite me,

because I'm a jock.

But nerds are cooler
than jocks now.

I know.

The whole world is swirling
down a toilet of madness.

You're welcome to join
our circle of influencers, Cam.

‐Really?
‐What?

No.
What are you doing?

You've built this beautiful
intellectual oasis,

and you're gonna let jocks in?

Jocks will ruin it.

Just like they ruined
the Beastie Boys.

But we're intersectional.

We'd love to hear
the jock perspective.

Oh, the whole world is swirling
down a toilet of madness.

Thanks for your help, guys.

Wait, I'm sorry.
I've got‐‐

I've got to say one thing
before we go.

All you nerds, listen up.

This is your final lecture
for the night.

Party Pines is special,
you idiots.

Generations of Dicktown kids
have goofed off right here.

This is a sacred space
for acting stupid.

That's why he named it
Party Pines.

And you nerds are defiling it
with free lectures.

What is this,
Snapchat Epidemiology?

What the fuck is that?

It's shameful, son,
is what it is.

I'm embarrassed to be
a Dicktown High alumni.

Thank you. Good night.

Alumnus.

What did you say?

You're embarrassed to be
an alumnus.

"Alumni" is plural.

‐Oh, he's right, actually.
‐Ooh.

You keep acting smart,

I'll burn this whole
fucking forest to the ground.

John, let's go.

Great lecture series, everyone.

Thanks.

Well, to our first
non‐paranormal

paranormal case.

And to the spirit
of Party Pines, RIP.

Oh, David.

Oh, that's gonna leak
into the living room.

‐I'm pouring one out
‐All right.

I guess I'll go get a towel
and clean up your mess.

‐Okay.
‐Ugh.

(light jazzy music)

Hey, I'm sorry we never
invited you to Party Pines.

JOHN: It's fine.

Just we didn't like you
very much.

JOHN: Well, I appreciate
your honesty, I guess.

DAVID: Hey,
wouldn't it be weird

if the lurker of Party Pines
was still out there somewhere?

I'm sorry, what?

DAVID: I said,
wouldn't it be effed up

if the lurker of Party Pines

was still alive
out there somewhere?

Oh, David,
that is a mystery

that will never be solved.

What?

That is a mystery
that will never be solved.

Wait, what?

That is a mystery
that will never be solved.

DAVID: Dude, I can't hear you.
What are you saying?

It's a mystery
that will never be solved.

DAVID: I still can't hear you.
What are you saying?

Nothing!

(energetic jazzy music)

♪♪ ♪♪

‐(clear music)
‐CHORUS: ♪♪ Yes ♪♪