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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:02,000 * 2 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,880 ('WELLINGTON PARANORMAL' THEME) 3 00:00:16,160 --> 00:00:18,160 (MUSIC CONTINUES) 4 00:00:32,400 --> 00:00:35,800 (KEYPAD BEEPS TO TUNE OF 'JINGLE BELLS') 5 00:00:38,320 --> 00:00:42,040 IMITATES COMPUTERISED VOICE: Access granted. Merry Christmas, Sergeant Maaka. 6 00:00:42,040 --> 00:00:44,040 Ho. Ho. Ho. 7 00:00:44,320 --> 00:00:46,920 NORMAL VOICE: Uh, thank you, computer. And the same to you. 8 00:00:46,920 --> 00:00:50,920 O'Leary, Minogue, welcome to the Paranormal Office Christmas party. 9 00:00:50,920 --> 00:00:52,400 You having fun? Uh― 10 00:00:52,400 --> 00:00:55,880 Um, yes. Well, I'm having a lot of fun, as you can see. 11 00:00:55,880 --> 00:00:59,640 Uh, what's the best Christmas present you ever got? 12 00:00:59,640 --> 00:01:04,520 Well, one time, when I was 10, I got this really great, um― it was, like, a pull-back police motorcycle. 13 00:01:04,520 --> 00:01:06,920 It had lights, and you pulled it back, and it drove itself. Oh, yeah. 14 00:01:06,920 --> 00:01:08,200 Great. 15 00:01:08,200 --> 00:01:10,480 Minogue. Mum got me school clothes. 16 00:01:10,480 --> 00:01:13,040 I mean, she got me a school uniform for the upcoming year,... Hm. 17 00:01:13,040 --> 00:01:15,640 ...which she said was generous, but I think she's― No, that's cool. 18 00:01:15,640 --> 00:01:17,680 Was that gen―? Was that cool? 19 00:01:17,680 --> 00:01:20,520 It was cool. See, one Christmas, I, uh,... 20 00:01:20,520 --> 00:01:26,000 when I was 6 years old, and I got a teddy bear with a tiny little police uniform. 21 00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:30,240 I loved it so much. Uh, it's actually what inspired me to join the police force. 22 00:01:30,240 --> 00:01:32,600 One day, it went missing. Where did it go? 23 00:01:32,600 --> 00:01:35,520 I-I don't know that. I launched a full investigation, 24 00:01:35,520 --> 00:01:39,720 and I even wrote it its own case file, as you can see. 25 00:01:39,760 --> 00:01:43,040 At the age of 6, you wrote a case file? Yeah. 26 00:01:43,040 --> 00:01:45,320 Anyway, I thought that, uh, 27 00:01:45,520 --> 00:01:49,400 we should do a bit of a Secret Santa. (CHUCKLES) 28 00:01:49,600 --> 00:01:54,600 There's only three of us, though, Sarge. It might be a bit obvious. Just humour me, O'Leary. 29 00:01:54,600 --> 00:01:57,000 (CHUCKLES) (PAPER RUSTLES) 30 00:02:00,880 --> 00:02:02,840 (EXHALES) 31 00:02:02,840 --> 00:02:04,840 'Minogue.' 32 00:02:05,000 --> 00:02:08,760 Oh. 'O'Leary.' Do we get ourselves presents? 33 00:02:08,760 --> 00:02:10,760 Well, we'll go again. 34 00:02:11,240 --> 00:02:13,920 What should I get Sarge for Secret Santa? Ah! 35 00:02:13,920 --> 00:02:16,880 Now you've told me it's Sarge. That's who you're buying for. You're not supposed to let me know. 36 00:02:16,880 --> 00:02:18,880 No. I meant... 37 00:02:20,320 --> 00:02:22,680 if Sarge was my Secret Santa, what would I get him? 38 00:02:22,680 --> 00:02:26,240 He's not my recipient. I know what I'm gonna get the person that I've got. 39 00:02:26,240 --> 00:02:28,880 But you're better at keeping secrets than me. Correct. 40 00:02:28,880 --> 00:02:33,560 RT: Car Four, this is comms. Uh, need you to go to the Tawa Mall. 41 00:02:33,560 --> 00:02:38,360 Apparently, the Santa there has been making kids cry. Over. (RT BEEPS) 42 00:02:38,360 --> 00:02:41,440 Uh, yeah, copy that. We're on our way. 43 00:02:41,480 --> 00:02:43,960 I thought that's what Santas do ― make kids cry. 44 00:02:43,960 --> 00:02:46,360 No, they're supposed to make you feel all excited about Christmas. 45 00:02:46,360 --> 00:02:48,720 Yeah, well, that's not what they did. Well, what hap―? 46 00:02:48,720 --> 00:02:51,440 You'd go there and you'd sit on his knee,... Yeah? 47 00:02:51,440 --> 00:02:53,880 ...and then he'd say, 'What do you want for Christmas?' 48 00:02:53,880 --> 00:02:56,320 And you'd tell him,... Yeah? Yes? ...and he'd go, 49 00:02:56,320 --> 00:02:59,800 'Don't like your chances, mate.' What Santa―? 'Not on my watch.' 50 00:02:59,800 --> 00:03:02,840 And then your mum'd come over, and he'd go, 'Ho, ho, ho!' 51 00:03:02,840 --> 00:03:07,480 So these kids shouldn't be so surprised that they're crying, because that's what Santa's for. 52 00:03:07,480 --> 00:03:10,020 OK, I think you've had a bad experience with a really bad Santa. 53 00:03:15,160 --> 00:03:18,080 You reckon Sarge might like some scented soaps? Well, soap's what you get 54 00:03:18,080 --> 00:03:21,240 when you've got no idea what to get someone for Christmas, so... Well, I got my brother Adam some, 55 00:03:21,240 --> 00:03:23,360 and he absolutely loved 'em. He was speechless. Really? 56 00:03:23,360 --> 00:03:25,470 Yeah. He opened them up, and he was like... 57 00:03:28,120 --> 00:03:31,440 Hi. Can I help you? I'm Ian. I-I represent the mall. 58 00:03:31,440 --> 00:03:33,280 Oh. Hey, uh, we've received some complaints. 59 00:03:33,280 --> 00:03:36,040 Apparently, your Santa's been upsetting people? 60 00:03:36,040 --> 00:03:38,640 Oh. Yep. Um, he's... he's just down this way. 61 00:03:38,640 --> 00:03:40,640 He's just by the FCK. 62 00:03:41,040 --> 00:03:43,040 Uh, did you mean the KFC? 63 00:03:43,080 --> 00:03:45,120 Oh, sorry. Just a little bit dyslexic, yeah. 64 00:03:45,120 --> 00:03:47,240 I had to call this guy in last minute,... Mm? 65 00:03:47,240 --> 00:03:49,440 DEMONIC VOICE: You will find your photos on the website ― ...and the problem now is 66 00:03:49,440 --> 00:03:52,840 he doesn't seem to leave. and your souls. Return to your pathetic life. 67 00:03:52,840 --> 00:03:56,400 Bring me the next child! (BABBLES IN TONGUES) He doesn't seem very Santa-y. 68 00:03:56,400 --> 00:03:59,320 Yeah, that's been the main problem. I-I wasn't quite sure how to bring it up. 69 00:03:59,320 --> 00:04:01,200 And did you book this guy? Look again to me! Yep. 70 00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:03,760 Yeah, so― And you said you're dyslexic? Yes. Yeah. 71 00:04:03,760 --> 00:04:05,960 I'm just wondering if maybe you've got your letters a bit muddled up 72 00:04:05,960 --> 00:04:10,440 and you've booked Satan instead of Santa. We'll put that away for Georgia. 73 00:04:10,440 --> 00:04:11,680 (CHILD CRIES) Oh, yeah. 74 00:04:11,680 --> 00:04:14,640 Obviously, this is not optimum. Um, I don't think Satan should be at a mall, 75 00:04:14,640 --> 00:04:17,800 especially not round Christmas time, um, so I think it's important that we now get in there 76 00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:21,200 and break this thing up. Minogue? Have fun with your headless doll! (CRYING CONTINUES) 77 00:04:21,200 --> 00:04:23,600 Take away your child ― and bring me the next one! 78 00:04:23,600 --> 00:04:25,800 Gidday, mate. Hi. Uh, we're from the Wellington Police. 79 00:04:25,800 --> 00:04:27,920 NORMAL VOICE: Oh. How's it going? 80 00:04:27,920 --> 00:04:29,960 Good. Good. Pretty good, yep. Yeah. Hey, look― Hi. Uh,... Hi. 81 00:04:29,960 --> 00:04:31,920 ...we've just had some complaints. Mm-hm? 82 00:04:31,920 --> 00:04:34,520 Apparently, you've been scaring children. 83 00:04:34,520 --> 00:04:36,440 Uh, no, I've... 84 00:04:36,440 --> 00:04:40,200 Well, I've been scarring children. Oh, misunderstanding. OK, no, actually, that's worse. 85 00:04:40,200 --> 00:04:44,640 It's just that I was gonna claim this mall to be my foul citadel. 86 00:04:44,640 --> 00:04:47,640 I was gonna take the souls of the damned. Oh, here's one. 87 00:04:47,640 --> 00:04:51,400 (CHOKES) DEMONIC VOICE: Yes! Yes, you'll do nicely. 88 00:04:51,400 --> 00:04:55,960 Come on, mate. Is this really the place where you wanna start your fiery realm, though? I mean,... 89 00:04:55,960 --> 00:04:57,800 SOFTLY: it's a shopping mall in Tawa. 90 00:04:57,800 --> 00:05:00,600 NORMAL VOICE: Well― Hey, um, if these guys have booked you, 91 00:05:00,600 --> 00:05:03,440 how does that work, exactly? Have you got an agent, or...? (CHOKES QUIETLY) 92 00:05:03,440 --> 00:05:06,120 No. I-I was just sitting on my throne in hell,... Mm. 93 00:05:06,120 --> 00:05:09,640 ...and I was summoned here. OK, so how exactly were you summoned? 94 00:05:09,640 --> 00:05:11,360 By fax. By fax?! (CHOKES QUIETLY) 95 00:05:11,360 --> 00:05:15,180 Yup. If you fax Satan,... Mm? ...I appear. 96 00:05:15,200 --> 00:05:17,880 Ah. Yeah. As soon as they invented it, we got one in hell. 97 00:05:17,880 --> 00:05:19,760 Guys. (CHOKES) Oh. Sorry. 98 00:05:19,760 --> 00:05:21,800 Yes. You're now choking a member of the public, 99 00:05:21,800 --> 00:05:23,280 you know? OK? That mall manager. Mm-hm. 100 00:05:23,280 --> 00:05:24,680 He's not having a nice time up there, OK? 101 00:05:24,680 --> 00:05:26,920 All right. I just really think, potentially, it's time for you 102 00:05:26,920 --> 00:05:29,360 to go back to hell,... (CHOKES) ...finish off your hell stuff... 103 00:05:29,360 --> 00:05:31,320 You've had a pretty good run of it today, mate. OK? 104 00:05:31,320 --> 00:05:34,200 You're in the wrong suburb. Tawa is not the place for you. Or anyone. 105 00:05:34,200 --> 00:05:36,840 Let him go. (CHOKES) OK! All right, all right, all right. 106 00:05:36,840 --> 00:05:40,800 Look, if you ever need to spice up a party, just give me a fax. I might be interested in that. 107 00:05:40,800 --> 00:05:42,200 I can create havoc on earth,... Yeah? 108 00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:45,080 ...make fire and blood come out of everything, and, uh,... Yeah, yeah, yeah. 109 00:05:45,080 --> 00:05:47,120 ...also a dubstep DJ. OK. Do people still listen to that? 110 00:05:47,120 --> 00:05:49,960 Yeah! How does that go, again? (BEATBOXES DUBSTEP) 111 00:05:49,960 --> 00:05:53,080 Yeah, you can't dance to it. Also, I'd get your card sorted out. 112 00:05:53,080 --> 00:05:54,960 If you're representing your business, 113 00:05:54,960 --> 00:05:58,520 it needs to be a really clean card. Look, there's probably a place here at the mall you can probably 114 00:05:58,520 --> 00:06:00,680 get some more printed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, does Sammy still print the...? 115 00:06:00,680 --> 00:06:01,680 Yeah, yeah. Oh, OK. 116 00:06:01,680 --> 00:06:03,400 Yeah. It's 50% off today. 117 00:06:03,400 --> 00:06:04,160 Is it? Yeah. 118 00:06:04,160 --> 00:06:07,480 You wanna take Satan down there? And you guys can sort it out before he ducks off. 119 00:06:07,480 --> 00:06:10,000 Oh, I'd rather not, to be honest. It's a fair call. Yeah. 120 00:06:10,000 --> 00:06:11,960 I mean, he had him by the throat. Look, um,... Yeah, he did. 121 00:06:11,960 --> 00:06:15,440 Do you need a lift anywhere, like, to get back down to, uh,... hell? 122 00:06:15,440 --> 00:06:19,560 Nah, nah. I'll just grab an Uber. By the way, uh,... 123 00:06:19,560 --> 00:06:22,040 one of you two is going to hell. 124 00:06:22,560 --> 00:06:24,520 I'll let you enjoy that on the drive home. (CHUCKLES) Two people or― 125 00:06:24,520 --> 00:06:26,320 We're not playing your game, Satan, OK? OK, all right. 126 00:06:26,320 --> 00:06:29,560 Well, I'll see one of you later. Is it her? 127 00:06:29,560 --> 00:06:32,640 (HOOVES CLOP) See you later. Thank you. Is one of them tall or short? 128 00:06:32,640 --> 00:06:35,240 # Who, who, who, who's it gonna be? 129 00:06:35,240 --> 00:06:37,160 # Is it the tall one? (CLICKS TONGUE) 130 00:06:37,160 --> 00:06:39,040 # Is it the short one? Tah-ta-ta! 131 00:06:39,040 --> 00:06:41,720 # Whoosha-ka-ka, ha-te-fah! # Off you go, please, Satan. No, we've had enough. 132 00:06:41,720 --> 00:06:43,600 - Enjoy the ride home, guys. - (HOOVES SQUEAK) 133 00:06:43,600 --> 00:06:47,120 Those hooves have given me an idea to get Sergeant Maaka some toenail clippers. 134 00:06:47,120 --> 00:06:50,120 What? Does Sergeant Maaka want some toenail clippers? 135 00:06:50,120 --> 00:06:52,120 (MAGIC 8-BALL SLOSHES, RT BEEPS) 136 00:06:52,120 --> 00:06:54,880 Nah. RT: Minogue and O'Leary? Go ahead. 137 00:06:54,880 --> 00:06:59,920 We have a report of some stolen meat from a barbecue at 12 Pamela Drive. Over. 138 00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:01,470 (RT BEEPS) Yeah, on our way. Let's go. 139 00:07:03,560 --> 00:07:05,720 Hey. Thanks for coming. I'm Kev. Gidday, Kev. Oh, hi, Kev. 140 00:07:05,720 --> 00:07:07,920 Gidday. We understand you've had some meat go missing. 141 00:07:07,920 --> 00:07:12,440 Uh, yeah. Had a whole load of steaks and chops and sausages... Mm-hm? 142 00:07:12,440 --> 00:07:16,080 ...and corn-fed chicken breast, bangers ― you know, some, uh, 143 00:07:16,080 --> 00:07:19,120 sizzlers and saveloys for the kids. Then we had some burgers 144 00:07:19,120 --> 00:07:22,240 and pork medallions, and we had some venison mince. 145 00:07:22,240 --> 00:07:24,840 Uh, we had pork mince as well, formed into little meatballs, 146 00:07:24,840 --> 00:07:27,480 with onion― Got it. So you had meat? 147 00:07:27,480 --> 00:07:28,840 Meat? Uh, yeah. Yeah. 148 00:07:28,840 --> 00:07:32,120 All meat. All goneburger. So, goneburger? Gone... Why don't you just write, 149 00:07:32,120 --> 00:07:34,800 'There was meat, and that's all gone'? OK? Gone meat. 150 00:07:34,800 --> 00:07:37,720 And no one here noticed anything? Not a sausage. 151 00:07:37,720 --> 00:07:41,960 OK, can we just keep those bad dad jokes to a minimum? OK? Yeah, word to the wise ― 152 00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:44,600 I wouldn't bother with those jokes. She's a bit more highbrow than that. Right. 153 00:07:44,600 --> 00:07:47,440 I just don't get them. Did, uh, anything else go missing? 154 00:07:47,440 --> 00:07:50,400 Well, we can't find my auntie. Your auntie? 155 00:07:50,400 --> 00:07:53,560 You didn't think maybe you should've told me that first? Well, we just noticed. 156 00:07:53,560 --> 00:07:57,040 Could she have stolen the meat? Nah. She's in a wheelchair, so... 157 00:07:57,040 --> 00:07:59,960 Uh, Minogue! Yo! We've got a missing person. 158 00:07:59,960 --> 00:08:01,240 No, I'm just over here. 159 00:08:01,240 --> 00:08:04,520 Not you ― a missing person. Oh. Copy that. 160 00:08:04,520 --> 00:08:06,640 We've got a missing woman. She's in a wheelchair. Right. 161 00:08:06,640 --> 00:08:08,600 And how old are we talking? Um, she's 91. 162 00:08:08,600 --> 00:08:10,600 91! (EXHALES) 163 00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:12,560 But if you had to choose ― Mm-hm? 164 00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:15,540 meat or auntie,... What? ...which one do you want back? 165 00:08:17,680 --> 00:08:18,400 (PUFFS) 166 00:08:18,400 --> 00:08:21,320 So, um, obviously, there has been some meat that's gone missing. 167 00:08:21,320 --> 00:08:24,600 Probably more importantly, there's also an elderly woman that is missing too. 168 00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:27,440 Nah. She's not in there. Is it there? Nah. 169 00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:31,640 Yeah, I've got a sneaking suspicion the elderly lady is not particularly trustworthy, 170 00:08:31,640 --> 00:08:34,440 and I think if we find her, we find the meat. 171 00:08:34,440 --> 00:08:36,330 Minogue! I think I found something. 172 00:08:37,440 --> 00:08:39,440 (EERIE MUSIC) 173 00:08:39,880 --> 00:08:42,240 What do you think that is? This might sound outlandish, 174 00:08:42,240 --> 00:08:44,800 but I think it's a vertical spa pool. 175 00:08:44,800 --> 00:08:49,240 OK, that's not a spa pool, OK? It looks like some sort of, uh, vortex. 176 00:08:49,240 --> 00:08:52,640 Mrs Siri, please Google Image 'vortex'. 177 00:08:52,640 --> 00:08:54,960 SIRI: You'll need to unlock your iPhone first. You've gotta unlock your phone. 178 00:08:54,960 --> 00:08:55,840 Oh. (PHONE UNLOCKS) 179 00:08:55,840 --> 00:08:57,200 Images? Yeah. 180 00:08:57,200 --> 00:08:59,200 (PHONE CLICKS) Huh. 181 00:08:59,800 --> 00:09:01,680 Definitely a vortex, isn't it? 182 00:09:01,680 --> 00:09:04,840 Maybe one of us should stick our hand in. (SCOFFS) That's a stupid idea. 183 00:09:06,400 --> 00:09:08,400 (VORTEX SLOSHES) 184 00:09:08,600 --> 00:09:11,920 It's cold in there. Well, that's gonna be terrible if Auntie Flo's in there. 185 00:09:11,920 --> 00:09:14,240 Really good for the meat, though, so... 186 00:09:14,240 --> 00:09:15,680 Kevin! 187 00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:21,440 Hi, Kevin. Hey, um, just wondering ― were you aware that you had some sort of a vortex back here? 188 00:09:21,440 --> 00:09:23,880 Uh, the big funny colour thing? Yes. Mm. 189 00:09:23,880 --> 00:09:28,160 Um,... yup. So you have noticed it? I mean, yeah, I've noticed it. 190 00:09:28,160 --> 00:09:31,120 Yeah, I can't feel anything back there. Oh my gosh. 191 00:09:31,120 --> 00:09:33,800 What? That must be where the cat disappeared to. 192 00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:36,480 I think maybe one of us is gonna have to go in there. 193 00:09:36,480 --> 00:09:38,400 That's insane. Mm. 194 00:09:38,400 --> 00:09:40,080 I'll do it. Yup. 195 00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:42,320 Are you sure this is the best we can do? I sort of feel like if that hose 196 00:09:42,320 --> 00:09:44,280 was tied around the tree or something― Have you got good grip? 197 00:09:44,280 --> 00:09:45,680 Nah, I'm― Yeah, I'm good. We've got it. OK. 198 00:09:45,680 --> 00:09:47,040 Good as gold. 199 00:09:49,080 --> 00:09:52,040 (SCREAMS) What?! What?! What?! What?! O'Leary, my leg's being eaten! 200 00:09:52,040 --> 00:09:53,520 Come back! Come back! It's being eaten! 201 00:09:53,520 --> 00:09:56,960 It's not. (CHUCKLES) It's not. It's not being eaten. You should've seen your faces. 202 00:09:56,960 --> 00:09:58,320 Or maybe it is being eaten. 203 00:09:58,320 --> 00:09:59,730 Nah. It's not. 204 00:10:01,240 --> 00:10:03,000 (GRUNTS) 205 00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:04,360 Steady. Hold it tighter. Yeah, yep. 206 00:10:04,360 --> 00:10:06,200 Yep. PANTS: OK, good! Pretty good. 207 00:10:06,200 --> 00:10:08,280 Good, good. Keep going back. 208 00:10:08,280 --> 00:10:10,440 (GRUNTS) Whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Oh God! 209 00:10:10,440 --> 00:10:13,120 I've lost it! Minogue! Minogue! 210 00:10:13,120 --> 00:10:14,640 (DRAMATIC MUSIC) 211 00:10:14,640 --> 00:10:14,800 * 212 00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:17,720 Minogue! Aren't you gonna go in and help him? 213 00:10:17,720 --> 00:10:21,600 Did you go in and help your cat? (CELL PHONE RINGS) 214 00:10:21,600 --> 00:10:23,640 It's Minogue. (PHONE UNLOCKS) ECHOES: You there, O'Leary? 215 00:10:23,640 --> 00:10:27,200 Minogue! Minogue, where are you? O'Leary, I'm in the vortex. 216 00:10:27,200 --> 00:10:31,560 This place is crazy. It's sort of like a large void ― that's what I'd call it ― but it's... 217 00:10:31,560 --> 00:10:35,320 it's full of stuff. You're in the void? Swing ball set, 218 00:10:35,320 --> 00:10:38,200 (CHUCKLES) Cabbage Patch Kid. I used to have one of those. 219 00:10:38,200 --> 00:10:42,680 This is possibly where all the lost stuff comes. Hang on a minute. 220 00:10:42,680 --> 00:10:45,040 (CHUCKLES) I found the meat! 221 00:10:45,040 --> 00:10:47,040 - He's found the meat! - (CHEERING) 222 00:10:47,040 --> 00:10:49,040 (CLATTERING) Huh. 223 00:10:49,520 --> 00:10:51,440 And Auntie Flo. 224 00:10:51,440 --> 00:10:54,800 - And... And Auntie Flo. - (HALF-HEARTED CHEERING) 225 00:10:54,800 --> 00:10:58,720 So, we seem to have discovered some sort of dimensional vortex at the back of this property, 226 00:10:58,720 --> 00:11:01,400 from which Minogue has retrieved an elderly woman... 227 00:11:01,400 --> 00:11:02,720 Auntie Flo, I'm so relieved. 228 00:11:02,720 --> 00:11:05,060 ...and some meat. Job well done. 229 00:11:07,640 --> 00:11:10,880 Well, that was a strange one. I think that's an understatement. 230 00:11:10,880 --> 00:11:14,520 Well, it was a really, really, really strange one. Would that be an understatement? 231 00:11:14,520 --> 00:11:16,730 I'd say that's getting closer to what it was. Mm. 232 00:11:16,942 --> 00:11:18,942 (MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC) 233 00:11:21,080 --> 00:11:24,680 (RT CRACKLES) RT: Car Four, this is comms. Go ahead. 234 00:11:24,680 --> 00:11:27,440 We got some sort of a disturbance at a property in Salisbury Terrace, 235 00:11:27,440 --> 00:11:30,120 number 22. Need you to respond. Over. (RT BEEPS) 236 00:11:30,120 --> 00:11:32,720 On our way. Over. (RT CRACKLES) 237 00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:37,040 (MOREPORK HOOTS IN DISTANCE) Evening, folks. Good evening. 238 00:11:37,040 --> 00:11:38,960 Had a call-out from you guys? Yes, yes, that was us. 239 00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:43,120 Um, one of the presents escaped and started attacking us. Out of its box, so... 240 00:11:43,120 --> 00:11:45,320 Yeah. OK, so, was this present, like, a new pet? 241 00:11:45,320 --> 00:11:48,640 A dog? No, no. No, it's-it's a doll. Yeah, a possessed doll. 242 00:11:48,640 --> 00:11:51,040 How do you know it's possessed? It mentioned it. Well, it― Yeah. 243 00:11:51,040 --> 00:11:54,680 Yeah, it, um... it burst out of the wrapping paper and started attacking us, 244 00:11:54,680 --> 00:11:58,120 and then it mentioned that it was possessed by a murderer. By a murderer. 245 00:11:58,120 --> 00:12:01,760 Yeah. It was going like... (SNARLS, GRUNTS) 246 00:12:01,760 --> 00:12:03,560 - MINOGUE AND O'LEARY: Mm. - Awful. 247 00:12:03,560 --> 00:12:06,120 It was also yelling insults at us as well. Yeah. 248 00:12:06,120 --> 00:12:10,120 About your jeans? No, it just said that I wasn't very smart. 249 00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:11,520 Said that I talked too much. Is that true? 250 00:12:11,520 --> 00:12:14,650 Is this true, you guys? Is this your mum and dad ― these people? 251 00:12:15,960 --> 00:12:16,750 Mm. 252 00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:23,880 So, we've just spoken to the family who believe that a toy has come to life and is potentially dangerous, 253 00:12:23,880 --> 00:12:26,080 so we're just gonna make sure that everything's safe. 254 00:12:27,960 --> 00:12:29,960 Hey, O'Leary. What? 255 00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:32,200 'Hoo' is that? (CHUCKLES) 256 00:12:33,840 --> 00:12:35,480 Hmm. 257 00:12:35,480 --> 00:12:38,360 What's this? That could be the box. 258 00:12:38,760 --> 00:12:41,320 Well, I'd say that's a pretty good guess, yeah. It's like that movie Alien, 259 00:12:41,320 --> 00:12:44,360 where that alien bursts out of that guy's chest. Wouldn't you say it's more like 260 00:12:44,360 --> 00:12:47,160 that movie where the toy comes to life and terrorises the family? 261 00:12:47,160 --> 00:12:49,360 Toy Story. I couldn't get through that. 262 00:12:49,360 --> 00:12:53,200 (GLASS SMASHES IN DISTANCE) What was that? Did that just smash? WHISPERS: Go find out. 263 00:12:53,200 --> 00:12:56,280 WHISPERS: Come with me. Get your Taser out. Straight away? 264 00:12:56,280 --> 00:12:59,140 I'm not coming if you haven't got your Taser out. OK, I'm getting it. I'm getting it. 265 00:13:01,011 --> 00:13:03,011 (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC) 266 00:13:08,520 --> 00:13:10,520 (GASPS LOUDLY) (GASPS) 267 00:13:10,920 --> 00:13:12,840 WHISPERS: Can you try not to make that big noise 268 00:13:12,840 --> 00:13:15,040 every time? WHISPERS: I was thinking about Alien again. 269 00:13:15,040 --> 00:13:16,960 (SCUFFLING) 270 00:13:16,960 --> 00:13:18,960 What was that? 271 00:13:19,600 --> 00:13:21,960 Um,... What was that? ...cat. 272 00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:23,960 Probably, eh? 273 00:13:25,320 --> 00:13:28,000 Maybe we should, um, you know, split up. 274 00:13:28,000 --> 00:13:29,800 OK. OK. 275 00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:33,720 Not that far. What? Just arm's-distance. 276 00:13:34,520 --> 00:13:36,360 Yeah, OK. (SCUFFLING) 277 00:13:36,360 --> 00:13:38,360 You hear that? What? 278 00:13:39,280 --> 00:13:41,040 Do you reckon it's in the fridge? 279 00:13:41,040 --> 00:13:42,880 Three, two, one. 280 00:13:42,880 --> 00:13:44,840 (SMACK!) Oh! 281 00:13:44,840 --> 00:13:46,600 I'm all right. I'm all right. He's all right. 282 00:13:46,600 --> 00:13:48,240 GRUNTS: Yep. He's actually OK. I'm good. 283 00:13:48,240 --> 00:13:49,280 WHISPERS: Dishwasher. 284 00:13:49,280 --> 00:13:52,200 I'll hold it, and if it jumps at you, it'll go in here, 285 00:13:52,200 --> 00:13:55,400 and then we'll hold it down like it's a spider. 286 00:13:55,400 --> 00:13:56,300 Empty. 287 00:13:58,920 --> 00:14:02,000 (SCUFFLING) Did you hear that? What? 288 00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:05,320 Anything in there? Nothing. 289 00:14:05,320 --> 00:14:07,840 Uh, so, we've done an exhaustive search of the property,... Empty. 290 00:14:07,840 --> 00:14:09,160 Under the table! Oh. 291 00:14:09,160 --> 00:14:10,640 ...and we've found nothing whatsoever. 292 00:14:10,640 --> 00:14:15,080 I mean, we've looked pretty thoroughly through the entire house, um, so we can probably go out now 293 00:14:15,080 --> 00:14:17,840 and have another talk to the family... (CHAIR CLATTERS) 294 00:14:17,840 --> 00:14:20,360 ...and let them know that everything's pretty safe in here. 295 00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:23,400 WHISPERS: I mean, maybe they were just imagining it. WHISPERS: I think they did. 296 00:14:23,400 --> 00:14:26,480 Yeah. I mean, how does a doll come alive and attack people? (SCOFFS) 297 00:14:26,480 --> 00:14:28,760 I dunno. (DOLL HEAD CREAKS) 298 00:14:37,320 --> 00:14:39,320 (OMINOUS MUSIC) 299 00:14:41,720 --> 00:14:44,160 (THUD!) (SCREAMS) What is that? 300 00:14:44,160 --> 00:14:46,480 You gotta stay still! He's digging his teeth in! Get it off me, O'Leary! 301 00:14:46,480 --> 00:14:48,320 I'm not touching that! Get it off me! It hurts! 302 00:14:48,320 --> 00:14:50,360 Tase it! Get it away! (TASER ZAPS, FIZZLES) No, it's busted! 303 00:14:50,360 --> 00:14:52,320 Get it off! Get it off! (GRUNTS) It's broken! 304 00:14:52,320 --> 00:14:54,480 I'll kick it off. I'll kick it off. No, Minogue! I'm right in front of you! 305 00:14:54,480 --> 00:14:56,320 I'll kick it off! No! Here we go! 306 00:14:56,320 --> 00:14:58,320 (DOLL SNARLS) Aargh! 307 00:14:58,920 --> 00:15:02,480 Aargh! Minogue! (DEMONIC CACKLING, CLAWS SLICE) 308 00:15:02,480 --> 00:15:03,640 * 309 00:15:03,640 --> 00:15:07,520 Just been caught in a Christmas tree. (GRUNTS) 310 00:15:08,480 --> 00:15:12,080 (DOLL SNARLS) This is not optimum. (PANTS) 311 00:15:12,840 --> 00:15:15,280 Why do they make toys so violent these days? I don't know. 312 00:15:15,280 --> 00:15:17,440 Look, but we've gotta get out there. We've gotta catch this thing. (THUDDING) 313 00:15:17,440 --> 00:15:19,560 Well, it's only little. It's not like it can kill us or anything. 314 00:15:19,560 --> 00:15:21,560 (SCHLING!) (GASPS) 315 00:15:22,400 --> 00:15:24,560 Where's the Taser? You broke it! We're gonna have to improvise. 316 00:15:24,560 --> 00:15:26,100 There'll be something in these presents. 317 00:15:28,800 --> 00:15:30,080 A bat! Great. 318 00:15:30,080 --> 00:15:31,880 Well, this isn't gonna work. Yeah, it's good. 319 00:15:31,880 --> 00:15:33,480 Well, you have it, then. We'll swap. No, I don't wanna swap. 320 00:15:33,480 --> 00:15:35,440 Well, this shoots only very soft projectiles. See? 321 00:15:35,440 --> 00:15:37,040 (NERF GUN WHIRRS) Ow. 322 00:15:37,040 --> 00:15:39,680 That's not a genuine 'ow'. I'm gonna open the door, OK, and smack it with the bat. 323 00:15:39,680 --> 00:15:41,400 This isn't over. (NERF GUN WHIRRS) 324 00:15:41,400 --> 00:15:44,160 (WHIMPERS) See? It's doing nothing! 325 00:15:44,160 --> 00:15:46,960 You can barely even feel it. You're distracting me, Minogue! 326 00:15:46,960 --> 00:15:50,600 We've gotta concentrate. Damn, I'm out! Smash it, O'Leary! It did nothing! It did nothing! 327 00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:52,600 Smash it! (YELLS) 328 00:15:52,800 --> 00:15:54,800 Think I got it. (PANTS) 329 00:15:56,080 --> 00:15:57,720 (PANTS) 330 00:15:57,720 --> 00:15:58,680 (DOLL CREAKS) 331 00:16:00,480 --> 00:16:01,350 O'Leary? 332 00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:06,000 (DEMONIC CACKLING) (SCREAMS) 333 00:16:06,640 --> 00:16:08,850 Requesting backup! Find something to help me, Minogue! 334 00:16:10,480 --> 00:16:12,480 Pot plant? No! 335 00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:15,280 Find another one! Yoga mat! 336 00:16:16,120 --> 00:16:18,200 It's a scarf! It's a scarf! 337 00:16:18,200 --> 00:16:20,640 It's a really nice scarf. She's― Well, that's got no use! Find something else! 338 00:16:20,640 --> 00:16:22,520 Yeah! (LAUGHS) Yes! 339 00:16:22,520 --> 00:16:24,640 (PANTS) It's too late. 340 00:16:25,760 --> 00:16:28,040 I've already killed it. Hm. 341 00:16:28,480 --> 00:16:30,120 Oh. Hi, guys. 342 00:16:30,120 --> 00:16:33,200 Um, so, we've incapacitated the, uh, scary doll, 343 00:16:33,200 --> 00:16:35,480 and it shouldn't cause you guys any more problems. 344 00:16:35,480 --> 00:16:38,120 His head's come off. So, um, yeah. 345 00:16:38,120 --> 00:16:41,680 That's probably for you. It's not the best― And that is not a great present, 346 00:16:41,680 --> 00:16:44,200 but you can have that. Early Christmas present. 347 00:16:44,200 --> 00:16:45,840 Great. (CHUCKLES) See you later, guys. 348 00:16:45,840 --> 00:16:47,720 'Scuse me. Sorry. 349 00:16:47,720 --> 00:16:52,400 Another job well done. Have an awesome Christmas, guys. 350 00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:55,640 (SINISTER MUSIC) 351 00:16:55,640 --> 00:16:58,720 You were really heroic in there tonight, O'Leary. Oh, thank you. 352 00:16:58,720 --> 00:17:01,800 Maybe if I was the one that got the cricket bat, 353 00:17:01,800 --> 00:17:05,760 then you'd be the one singing my praises right now instead of me singing your praises. 354 00:17:05,760 --> 00:17:08,960 We can't know that, though, can we? That's how I like imagining it in my head ― 355 00:17:08,960 --> 00:17:12,080 that I was the heroic one, cos I had the cricket bat and not you. 356 00:17:12,080 --> 00:17:14,040 I've seen you play cricket, though. Mm. 357 00:17:14,040 --> 00:17:17,760 RT: Patrol Four, can you respond to a missing persons at an office Christmas party? 358 00:17:17,760 --> 00:17:21,960 103 Willis St, level 2. Thank you. Yeah, copy that. On our way. (RT BEEPS) 359 00:17:21,960 --> 00:17:25,200 SIGHS: Another missing person? Mm. Christmas is so busy. 360 00:17:25,200 --> 00:17:29,160 (WOMAN IMITATES SIRENS) 'Scuse me. 'Scuse. 'Scuse. 361 00:17:29,160 --> 00:17:31,160 (CHEERING) 362 00:17:31,200 --> 00:17:33,160 That's actually very dangerous. I don't recommend doing that. 363 00:17:33,160 --> 00:17:35,280 That's dangerous. We've got this guy that works here ― his name's Jeff. 364 00:17:35,280 --> 00:17:38,440 He's a bit of a crack-up. Anyway, he went into the photocopy room, 365 00:17:38,440 --> 00:17:42,200 and he took photocopies of his arse and he emailed them to everyone, and look. 366 00:17:42,200 --> 00:17:44,200 (CACKLES, WHEEZES) 367 00:17:44,400 --> 00:17:48,600 No one saw him leave the photocopy room, so I went and checked it, and he was gone. 368 00:17:48,600 --> 00:17:53,280 But then I went and had a look at some of the security footage. (CLEARS THROAT) 369 00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:54,450 Look at this. 370 00:17:55,320 --> 00:17:58,120 See? That's Jeff there. That's gotta be a health and safety issue. 371 00:17:58,120 --> 00:18:00,160 Yeah, the glass is reinforced, though. 372 00:18:00,160 --> 00:18:03,960 - But then watch this. - (PHOTOCOPIER WHIRRS) 373 00:18:04,120 --> 00:18:07,120 Out of it, eh? OK. Where's this room? 374 00:18:08,720 --> 00:18:10,160 Well, he's not in here, is he? 375 00:18:10,160 --> 00:18:12,040 So, we know that Jeff just sat on the photocopier... 376 00:18:12,040 --> 00:18:13,600 And then he just disappeared. OK, yeah. 377 00:18:13,600 --> 00:18:15,640 Minogue, I think maybe you should just try that. Hey? 378 00:18:15,640 --> 00:18:17,370 Well, you try what― do what Jeff did. 379 00:18:19,080 --> 00:18:21,200 Minogue, what are you doing? Doing what Jeff did. 380 00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:23,240 You don't need to take your trousers down. Didn't think so. 381 00:18:23,240 --> 00:18:25,720 That would be unprofessional. That would've been a stupid thing to... 382 00:18:29,680 --> 00:18:31,960 OK, you ready? Yep. (BEEP!) 383 00:18:33,200 --> 00:18:35,600 (BEEP! PHOTOCOPIER WHIRRS) 384 00:18:36,360 --> 00:18:38,360 CHUCKLES: Tickles. 385 00:18:40,440 --> 00:18:43,360 Minogue! Minogue! I should call the photocopy guy. 386 00:18:43,360 --> 00:18:46,880 Well, you're not gonna get him on Christmas Eve. (CELL PHONE RINGS) 387 00:18:46,880 --> 00:18:48,040 Oh, it's Minogue. (PHONE UNLOCKS) 388 00:18:48,040 --> 00:18:50,120 Minogue, where are you? ECHOES: In an inky-black void. 389 00:18:50,120 --> 00:18:54,160 It's probably the same black void as earlier. I can see a light. 390 00:18:54,185 --> 00:18:56,935 Heading towards the light, O'Leary. No-no-n― no, you never go towards the light! 391 00:18:56,960 --> 00:18:59,040 Stay away from the light, Minogue! Think I can see― 392 00:18:59,040 --> 00:19:01,040 (PHONE BEEPS) 393 00:19:01,240 --> 00:19:04,520 I should just call Steve ― like, he's real good with technology and stuff ― 394 00:19:04,520 --> 00:19:08,240 cos maybe it just needs new toner. OK, I don't think it's a toner issue. 395 00:19:08,240 --> 00:19:12,120 OK, I'm... I'm... I'm gonna have to, maybe, go in after him. 396 00:19:12,120 --> 00:19:14,480 If I get lost, you have to call the police again. OK. 397 00:19:14,480 --> 00:19:15,840 Well, it's gotta go on A3. (BEEPING) 398 00:19:15,840 --> 00:19:19,080 What are you trying to say? No, it won't scan if it's on A4, 399 00:19:19,080 --> 00:19:21,080 cos we don't have the paper for it. That's all. OK. 400 00:19:21,080 --> 00:19:25,560 Yeah, and I dunno how to go back now, cos you sat on it and it broke. Well, I don't think it's my fault. 401 00:19:25,560 --> 00:19:27,720 What have you done? I haven't done anything. 402 00:19:27,720 --> 00:19:29,680 This is not my office building, is it? No. 403 00:19:29,680 --> 00:19:32,520 (CELL PHONE RINGS) Oh yeah. Hang on. 404 00:19:32,520 --> 00:19:34,880 Oh, it's Minogue again. (PHONE UNLOCKS) Minogue, where are you? 405 00:19:34,880 --> 00:19:38,480 Gidday, O'Leary. Just wanted to let you know that, um, I followed the light from earlier on. 406 00:19:38,480 --> 00:19:42,080 Uh, it's taken me all the way back to the vortex at Kevin and Hine's place. 407 00:19:42,080 --> 00:19:45,720 And I also managed to get that Secret Santa present. Minogue, where is your uniform? 408 00:19:45,720 --> 00:19:51,320 Um, I hung it up. Obviously, hanging it up was a better alternative than getting into the spa pool with it. 409 00:19:51,320 --> 00:19:54,000 Oh, and, Gayle, look who I found. 410 00:19:54,080 --> 00:19:57,180 Say Gidday, mate. Hey, Gayle! Hey! 411 00:19:57,200 --> 00:20:01,080 Hey, did everyone get those emails of my bum? Yeah. It was hilarious. (GIGGLES) 412 00:20:01,080 --> 00:20:04,480 It wasn't hilarious. We had to report it to the police. 413 00:20:04,480 --> 00:20:06,960 H-Have an awesome Christmas. 414 00:20:07,440 --> 00:20:09,960 I'll probably bring him down the station when I get out of the spa. 415 00:20:09,960 --> 00:20:12,600 Uh, look, I'm gonna have to come and pick you up. You come in your togs, 416 00:20:12,600 --> 00:20:14,640 and if you get in, then I'll get out. 417 00:20:14,640 --> 00:20:16,720 OK, I'm coming to get you, and I'm not bringing my togs. 418 00:20:17,720 --> 00:20:19,160 (CARD READER BEEPS) 419 00:20:19,160 --> 00:20:22,400 An inky blank void? Mm. It was pretty freaky, Sarge. 420 00:20:22,400 --> 00:20:25,280 Sounds like you might've entered some kind of fourth dimension. 421 00:20:25,280 --> 00:20:28,520 I'm surprised it didn't do all sorts of weird things to your atomic structure. 422 00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:30,720 Atomic structure feels fine. Mm. 423 00:20:30,720 --> 00:20:32,520 SOFTLY: What's an atomic structure? I'll tell you later. 424 00:20:32,520 --> 00:20:35,960 Job well done. Mm-hm. On to more important business ― 425 00:20:35,960 --> 00:20:39,240 Secret Santa. Oh! Look at that. O'Leary. 426 00:20:39,240 --> 00:20:42,680 (GASPS) I wonder who could've got me this? (MOUTHS) 427 00:20:42,680 --> 00:20:44,920 Oh. Scented soaps. Yay. (CHUCKLES) 428 00:20:44,920 --> 00:20:47,120 Vanilla. Yep. Bit racist. 429 00:20:48,600 --> 00:20:50,970 Oh. Minogue. Yes! 430 00:20:52,080 --> 00:20:54,080 (RATTLING) 431 00:20:54,680 --> 00:20:56,170 (GASPS) 432 00:21:01,640 --> 00:21:04,680 You do know I'm a grown man? Don't... Don't look at me. 433 00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:09,080 What am I gonna do with this? Must be my turn, then. Hm. 434 00:21:09,520 --> 00:21:11,920 Oh, it's rather large and... 435 00:21:12,840 --> 00:21:15,640 feels quite... feels quite soft. 436 00:21:15,640 --> 00:21:17,640 (WRAPPING PAPER TEARS) 437 00:21:19,320 --> 00:21:21,320 It can't be. 438 00:21:21,800 --> 00:21:24,560 It can't be. It's Officer Fuzzypants. 439 00:21:24,560 --> 00:21:26,320 Thank you! 440 00:21:26,320 --> 00:21:28,320 How did you find him? 441 00:21:29,120 --> 00:21:33,960 Merry Christmas, Sarge. Merry Christmas, Sarge. (FOOTSTEPS RECEDE, DOOR CREAKS) 442 00:21:33,960 --> 00:21:35,960 (DOOR CLOSES) 443 00:21:35,960 --> 00:21:37,960 (POIGNANT MUSIC) 444 00:21:39,280 --> 00:21:40,760 (SIGHS) 445 00:21:40,760 --> 00:21:42,760 Case closed. 446 00:21:43,400 --> 00:21:45,800 - CHILDLIKE VOICE ECHOES: # Na-na, na-na. # - (DRAWER CLOSES) 447 00:21:45,800 --> 00:21:47,800 (SIGHS) 448 00:21:48,880 --> 00:21:50,060 Boop! 449 00:21:50,880 --> 00:21:53,760 ('WELLINGTON PARANORMAL' THEME) 450 00:21:53,760 --> 00:21:57,960 Captions by Maeve Kelly. Edited by Cameron Grigg. 451 00:21:57,960 --> 00:22:01,960 Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air. 452 00:22:01,960 --> 00:22:05,040 www.able.co.nz Copyright Able 2019 38336

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