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1
00:00:02,415 --> 00:00:05,725
# They say I might as well face the truth
2
00:00:05,895 --> 00:00:09,205
# That I am just too long in the tooth
3
00:00:09,375 --> 00:00:12,685
# So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed
4
00:00:12,855 --> 00:00:16,131
# But I have not yet quite gone to seed
5
00:00:16,295 --> 00:00:20,208
# I may be over the hill now that I have retired
6
00:00:20,375 --> 00:00:23,526
# Fading away but I've not yet expired
7
00:00:23,695 --> 00:00:27,688
# Clapped out, run down, too old to save
8
00:00:27,855 --> 00:00:30,653
# One foot in the grave #
9
00:00:33,175 --> 00:00:35,166
Meldrew.
10
00:00:35,335 --> 00:00:37,929
who...? well, put Mavis on, then.
11
00:00:38,815 --> 00:00:42,808
I don't care if she is reproofing a yashmak.
I want to speak to her!
12
00:00:45,335 --> 00:00:50,170
Usual performance. She takes my ticket,
disappears for half an hour, comes back.
13
00:00:50,335 --> 00:00:55,648
''Do you remember when you brought them in?''
''Last Thursday.'' Off she goes, comes back.
14
00:00:55,815 --> 00:01:00,809
''what colour were they?'' ''Light grey.''
Off she goes again, still... Hello!
15
00:01:01,615 --> 00:01:04,083
Yes, I have got them here at home with me.
16
00:01:04,255 --> 00:01:09,454
I'm wondering what this rather offensive piece
of paper is I've just found speared to the hook.
17
00:01:09,615 --> 00:01:12,732
''This garment was extremely badly soiled
18
00:01:12,895 --> 00:01:16,683
''and bore stains
of an unusually resilient nature.''
19
00:01:17,935 --> 00:01:20,403
what's it got to do with you?
20
00:01:21,455 --> 00:01:24,845
I bring my trousers in,
I expect them to be dry-cleaned.
21
00:01:25,015 --> 00:01:29,372
Not reviewed in print
by the laundry critic of the ''Sunday Times''!
22
00:01:29,535 --> 00:01:34,325
You might as well get Bernard Levin to do
an essay on my socks and be done with it!
23
00:01:35,335 --> 00:01:39,851
Yeah... That's just the sort of remark
I expected. I don't know why I bother!
24
00:01:41,655 --> 00:01:46,934
There we are. I think we made a good job
of that between us, all things considered.
25
00:01:47,095 --> 00:01:49,609
How much did your decorator friend quote us?
26
00:01:49,775 --> 00:01:51,288
150.
27
00:01:51,455 --> 00:01:54,447
There you are. That's nearly £90 we've saved.
28
00:01:54,615 --> 00:01:57,209
And he wasn't due to start till today, remember?
29
00:01:58,375 --> 00:02:00,047
Hmm.
30
00:02:01,335 --> 00:02:03,326
That was another thing.
31
00:02:03,495 --> 00:02:08,011
while I was waiting in the shop, three people
asked me if I'd just been using TCP.
32
00:02:09,655 --> 00:02:14,649
I knew I should never have put it on.
It's got a radioactive half-life of 2,000 years!
33
00:02:15,575 --> 00:02:21,605
Might as well give you a giant sandwich board
with each bottle. ''Yes, I was wearing TCP!''
34
00:02:22,295 --> 00:02:25,128
Oh, you got another book for the bedroom, then.
35
00:02:25,295 --> 00:02:29,493
Oh, yes. She jotted down the price
of those paints for me as well.
36
00:02:39,295 --> 00:02:41,525
- Oh, my God!
- what's that?
37
00:02:43,335 --> 00:02:46,327
Have you seen
what this is written on the back of?
38
00:02:46,495 --> 00:02:50,693
- what are you talking about?
- That woman who works in the hardware shop.
39
00:02:50,855 --> 00:02:54,848
It was her husband who stuck his head
in the oven and gassed himself?
40
00:02:55,015 --> 00:02:56,368
Yes.
41
00:02:57,335 --> 00:02:59,895
This is his suicide note.
42
00:03:02,375 --> 00:03:05,128
- Don't be ridiculous.
- Look!
43
00:03:05,295 --> 00:03:09,288
Just as if she'd be so insensitive
to jot the price of a pot of paint
44
00:03:09,455 --> 00:03:11,969
on the back of her own husband's suicide note!
45
00:03:12,135 --> 00:03:14,649
''By the time you read this, I will be dead.
46
00:03:16,655 --> 00:03:20,125
''My life has become such a gutted shell,
47
00:03:20,295 --> 00:03:25,164
''I have decided to snuff out
my worthless existence once and for all.
48
00:03:25,335 --> 00:03:27,724
''Farewell for ever, Matilda.
49
00:03:27,895 --> 00:03:30,489
''I go now to my grave.''
50
00:03:32,055 --> 00:03:34,569
''Dulux Satin Eggshell...
51
00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:37,490
''£5.95 a litre.''
52
00:03:38,415 --> 00:03:40,690
God, you're right!
53
00:03:40,855 --> 00:03:43,847
You'd think she'd have shown
a bit more respect.
54
00:03:44,775 --> 00:03:47,243
That's absolutely disgraceful.
55
00:03:47,415 --> 00:03:50,134
what must their marriage have been like?
56
00:03:50,975 --> 00:03:53,614
It's only £4.95 a litre at B&Q.
57
00:03:55,655 --> 00:03:59,887
Anyway, what time are we expected
at your goddaughter's tonight?
58
00:04:00,055 --> 00:04:03,684
Any time after seven, I said.
when we get there, really.
59
00:04:03,855 --> 00:04:08,326
I'm going to have a long hot bath.
See if that'll soak away the TCP.
60
00:04:11,295 --> 00:04:13,889
That's the five of us again.
61
00:04:14,055 --> 00:04:16,853
That's Robert using the chemical toilet.
62
00:04:18,895 --> 00:04:21,409
Sorry, it's a bit out of focus, that shot.
63
00:04:21,575 --> 00:04:23,566
Yes, shame.
64
00:04:23,735 --> 00:04:29,287
This was Lulworth Cove in Dorset. Durdle Door
there, that big rock formation in the sea.
65
00:04:29,455 --> 00:04:33,528
Stunning scenery, it really was.
Oh, and this is...
66
00:04:33,695 --> 00:04:37,973
I think this is where Peter accidentally
backs the Land Rover onto a duck.
67
00:04:39,735 --> 00:04:42,533
(ENGINE REVS, QUACKING)
68
00:04:45,015 --> 00:04:46,334
Tragic, really.
69
00:04:48,255 --> 00:04:51,531
- (VICTOR GRUNTS)
- I hope we're not boring Victor.
70
00:04:51,695 --> 00:04:55,324
watch out, he's got the pastry!
He's got the pastry!
71
00:04:55,495 --> 00:04:57,053
what?
72
00:04:57,215 --> 00:04:59,285
what the hell...?
73
00:05:00,255 --> 00:05:02,723
I wondered what that was.
74
00:05:02,895 --> 00:05:05,614
It's only little Jackie's pet tortoise.
75
00:05:06,695 --> 00:05:09,163
I thought it was a hernia.
76
00:05:11,375 --> 00:05:13,366
Give her here.
77
00:05:14,055 --> 00:05:18,333
Now, then. Five to eleven.
I still haven't shown you that other one.
78
00:05:19,015 --> 00:05:23,247
I'm not sure how I cross-indexed it -
under ''Jackie'' or ''baby''.
79
00:05:25,695 --> 00:05:28,334
Has someone been using TCP?
80
00:05:30,295 --> 00:05:33,685
Does Auntie Norma want to come in at all,
do you think?
81
00:05:33,855 --> 00:05:38,849
No, she's fine out there. She's a bit shy
with people she doesn't know that well.
82
00:05:39,535 --> 00:05:44,325
She feels safe behind frosted glass.
She doesn't think we can see her.
83
00:05:47,415 --> 00:05:50,407
Are you taking her on this holiday with you?
84
00:05:50,575 --> 00:05:54,853
what, Auntie Norma on a trekking holiday
up the welsh mountains?
85
00:05:55,015 --> 00:05:58,769
Yes.
That's the great joy of the Jeep, you see.
86
00:05:58,935 --> 00:06:03,804
we can just throw her walking frame
in the back and go where we want.
87
00:06:03,975 --> 00:06:07,251
Can you see one with ''Jackie early '86''
in there?
88
00:06:09,415 --> 00:06:12,646
- Oh, here it is.
- Is that the two-hour or the three-hour?
89
00:06:13,455 --> 00:06:16,174
- Oh, three-hour.
- Thank you.
90
00:06:20,015 --> 00:06:22,654
Now, Peter filmed most of this.
91
00:06:24,295 --> 00:06:26,763
- There we are.
- (BEEPING)
92
00:06:26,935 --> 00:06:28,414
Look!
93
00:06:28,575 --> 00:06:32,045
That's her head just starting to come out now.
94
00:06:34,175 --> 00:06:37,929
You see? Just very slowly and...
95
00:06:39,655 --> 00:06:43,534
- (BABY CRIES)
- In a second, Sister cuts the umbilical.
96
00:06:45,975 --> 00:06:49,251
Are you all right, Victor? Some more wine?
97
00:06:49,415 --> 00:06:53,966
No, thank you very much.
You don't have any Alka-Seltzer at all?
98
00:07:04,415 --> 00:07:06,610
what time is it?
99
00:07:06,775 --> 00:07:08,811
Ten past two.
100
00:07:08,975 --> 00:07:11,535
Oh, I'm ready for my pillow!
101
00:07:12,735 --> 00:07:15,249
I'm wide awake now.
102
00:07:15,415 --> 00:07:19,647
I'm not surprised.
You had two hours' sleep at Jennifer's.
103
00:07:19,815 --> 00:07:22,887
Mind what you're doing with Kylie! How is she?
104
00:07:23,855 --> 00:07:27,370
Kylie's fine, as far as one can tell.
105
00:07:29,015 --> 00:07:32,803
Don't hold her upside down.
She might get a nose bleed.
106
00:07:34,335 --> 00:07:37,691
One more thing to worry about, I suppose.
107
00:07:37,855 --> 00:07:40,369
It's only for a week while they're away.
108
00:07:40,535 --> 00:07:44,528
what possible trouble could a tortoise be?
It's not as if...
109
00:07:49,655 --> 00:07:52,123
(VICTOR) Bloody hell!
110
00:07:53,495 --> 00:07:57,568
Our wallpaper...
where's it gone? what's happened?
111
00:08:02,975 --> 00:08:07,491
''Sorry you were out,
but thought I'd make a start anyway.
112
00:08:07,655 --> 00:08:13,173
''Managed to get the worst of it off
and bagged up ready for the dustmen.
113
00:08:13,335 --> 00:08:18,329
''will come back Monday to start
sanding down the woodwork. Cheers, Stan.''
114
00:08:20,135 --> 00:08:24,128
- I thought you cancelled him.
- I did. Last week.
115
00:08:24,775 --> 00:08:27,653
I told his mate Sid down the pub.
116
00:08:27,815 --> 00:08:32,730
I made it quite clear that we were going
to do it ourselves and would he tell Stan...
117
00:08:32,895 --> 00:08:35,807
wait, wait! ''Told his mate Sid''?
118
00:08:36,895 --> 00:08:39,489
You didn't speak to him direct?
119
00:08:39,655 --> 00:08:43,728
I didn't have his address.
I didn't know where to get hold of him.
120
00:08:43,895 --> 00:08:47,683
You didn't have his address?
why didn't you try Dodge City?
121
00:08:47,855 --> 00:08:51,450
That's where all the other cowboys live,
isn't it?
122
00:08:52,135 --> 00:08:54,330
I don't believe you!
123
00:08:54,495 --> 00:08:57,214
Five days it took to put this up!
124
00:08:58,895 --> 00:09:01,363
''Didn't know where to get hold of him''?
125
00:09:01,535 --> 00:09:06,450
I'll tell you where to get hold of him.
Round his bloody neck, if I see him!
126
00:09:06,615 --> 00:09:08,606
I'm going to bed!
127
00:09:15,175 --> 00:09:17,484
£12.50 a roll!
128
00:09:20,695 --> 00:09:23,368
I can't see her. She could be anywhere by now.
129
00:09:23,535 --> 00:09:24,854
Hmm?
130
00:09:25,015 --> 00:09:28,849
She was down the bottom of the garden,
sniffing at the petunias.
131
00:09:29,015 --> 00:09:32,007
- who was?
- Oh, Kylie! You haven't seen her?
132
00:09:32,175 --> 00:09:35,850
She's not been in here.
Oh, I put that pie in the microwave.
133
00:09:36,015 --> 00:09:38,006
what pie?
134
00:09:38,175 --> 00:09:42,009
That big crusty pie
with the four baby gherkins at each corner.
135
00:09:45,695 --> 00:09:50,689
If she's got out the back and onto that road,
YOU'LL be in the microwave!
136
00:09:50,855 --> 00:09:54,643
She won't go out the back.
They're very territorial creatures.
137
00:09:54,815 --> 00:09:58,205
Of course, you know all about tortoises.
I forgot.
138
00:09:58,815 --> 00:10:03,047
That's why you spent half an hour last night
trying to teach it to sing.
139
00:10:03,215 --> 00:10:05,649
I was not trying to teach it to sing.
140
00:10:05,815 --> 00:10:11,014
well, you were whistling at it and making
those silly chirping noises. I saw you.
141
00:10:11,175 --> 00:10:14,531
- Look, I haven't got time...
- All right, all right.
142
00:10:14,695 --> 00:10:16,686
(DOORBELL)
143
00:10:16,855 --> 00:10:22,054
If that's another Buddy Holly lookalike trying
to sell us Sky TV, tell him we're blind and deaf.
144
00:10:22,935 --> 00:10:25,403
we don't need one of his satellite dishes.
145
00:10:25,575 --> 00:10:29,807
I'll weld a bidet to the side of the house.
It'll be less of an eyesore!
146
00:10:30,735 --> 00:10:33,295
Oh! Thank you very much.
147
00:10:35,295 --> 00:10:36,808
Kylie?
148
00:10:38,255 --> 00:10:39,768
Kylie?
149
00:10:41,215 --> 00:10:44,048
where have you wandered off to now?
150
00:10:50,935 --> 00:10:52,448
Kylie?
151
00:10:53,695 --> 00:10:55,287
Kylie?
152
00:10:58,895 --> 00:11:00,487
Kylie?
153
00:11:20,975 --> 00:11:23,045
I don't believe it!
154
00:11:37,615 --> 00:11:42,405
You lazy bastards! Couldn't you have
even moved her out of the way first?
155
00:11:44,895 --> 00:11:47,363
(TOILET FLUSHES)
156
00:11:53,295 --> 00:11:57,368
I was trying to get this for Chris.
He's just run out of hair tonic.
157
00:11:57,535 --> 00:12:02,211
well, Victor won't be needing it.
He's just run out of hair! Take it.
158
00:12:02,415 --> 00:12:04,406
- Are you sure?
- Positive.
159
00:12:04,575 --> 00:12:07,533
Thanks. It'll stimulate his roots at least.
160
00:12:08,215 --> 00:12:13,369
Very nice, Jean. Thanks for the plant. That
came yesterday. I'll put this with the others.
161
00:12:15,335 --> 00:12:17,803
I told them the 15th.
162
00:12:18,655 --> 00:12:22,648
So, are you doing anything nice tonight?
Going out celebrating?
163
00:12:22,815 --> 00:12:25,329
well, we were thinking of going for a meal,
164
00:12:25,495 --> 00:12:31,411
but then this morning I got a card from Jennifer
with two tickets for ''Les Misérables''.
165
00:12:31,575 --> 00:12:34,885
what, the musical? In London? That'll be nice.
166
00:12:35,055 --> 00:12:39,048
It's for tomorrow, the 16th,
so we thought we'd make a night of it then.
167
00:12:39,215 --> 00:12:42,571
The trouble is,
I don't think I've got anything to wear.
168
00:12:42,735 --> 00:12:46,569
I'm back! Ah, morning, Mrs warboys.
169
00:12:46,735 --> 00:12:49,533
Good morning, Mr Meldrew. Happy anniversary!
170
00:12:50,935 --> 00:12:53,324
Have you been using TCP?
171
00:12:54,975 --> 00:12:57,409
Yes. Five days ago.
172
00:12:58,255 --> 00:13:03,045
Hello, is that the United Nations?
Yes, it's Victor Meldrew here in England.
173
00:13:03,215 --> 00:13:07,447
Just to say that if Señor Perez de Cuellar asks
who's been using TCP,
174
00:13:07,615 --> 00:13:12,086
just say I'm very sorry and I offer my apologies
to the whole of mankind. Thank you!
175
00:13:13,135 --> 00:13:16,889
Right. well, I suppose I'd better be running.
176
00:13:17,815 --> 00:13:21,649
I'll see you tomorrow, then.
Perhaps we can find something then.
177
00:13:21,815 --> 00:13:24,648
- Yes, we may well. See you.
- Bye.
178
00:13:24,815 --> 00:13:27,727
- Bye!
- Bye, Mr Meldrew!
179
00:13:28,775 --> 00:13:31,243
Did you have to wait long at the hospital?
180
00:13:31,415 --> 00:13:35,886
An hour and a half. An hour and a half
sitting around like a toby jug,
181
00:13:36,055 --> 00:13:38,569
only to discover I'd lost the damn thing.
182
00:13:38,735 --> 00:13:41,374
- Lost it?
- The urine sample they asked for.
183
00:13:42,455 --> 00:13:44,923
Must have fallen out of my pocket in the bus.
184
00:13:45,095 --> 00:13:47,609
Perhaps somebody will find it and hand it in.
185
00:13:48,735 --> 00:13:53,206
After all the trouble I went to last night
finding something the right size,
186
00:13:53,375 --> 00:13:56,606
sterilising that old hair tonic bottle out
and everything.
187
00:13:56,775 --> 00:13:58,254
Yes.
188
00:14:00,815 --> 00:14:05,286
Right, that grass could do with another cut.
where's the extension lead?
189
00:14:08,575 --> 00:14:11,089
(SINGS TO HIMSELF)
190
00:14:16,855 --> 00:14:19,972
where have you got to now? Kylie?
191
00:14:28,575 --> 00:14:31,089
(HUMS ''SUMMERTIME'')
192
00:14:36,895 --> 00:14:39,853
# Fish are jumping
193
00:14:40,015 --> 00:14:43,405
# And the cotton is high... #
194
00:14:43,575 --> 00:14:46,043
(CONTINUES HUMMING)
195
00:14:47,815 --> 00:14:50,409
(DOORBELL RINGS)
196
00:14:52,415 --> 00:14:54,326
Kylie!
197
00:14:54,495 --> 00:14:57,089
(VICTOR wHISTLES)
198
00:15:18,455 --> 00:15:20,923
- Victor...
- what?
199
00:15:21,095 --> 00:15:23,086
what is it now?
200
00:15:32,055 --> 00:15:35,047
Oh...brilliant (!)
201
00:15:36,735 --> 00:15:39,329
Morning, sir. Mr Meldrew, is it?
202
00:15:40,415 --> 00:15:43,407
I hope it's a convenient moment.
My name's Barney.
203
00:15:43,575 --> 00:15:47,727
I wonder if I might ask you a few questions
on satellite television.
204
00:15:47,895 --> 00:15:50,090
There's no obligation to buy.
205
00:15:50,255 --> 00:15:52,849
Does it look like a bloody convenient moment?
206
00:15:53,015 --> 00:15:56,007
- I won't be more than a few seconds.
- Margaret!
207
00:15:56,175 --> 00:15:59,963
I wonder if you are aware
of the range of programming available
208
00:16:00,135 --> 00:16:02,524
as a subscriber to Sky Television...
209
00:16:02,695 --> 00:16:05,334
- Margaret!
- Ah, Mrs Meldrew.
210
00:16:06,015 --> 00:16:10,531
Your hubby and I were chatting
about the benefits of a subscription to Sky,
211
00:16:10,695 --> 00:16:16,452
many of which you will be aware of, but I'd like
to give you a couple of names for consideration.
212
00:16:16,615 --> 00:16:19,209
Tony Blackburn and Derek Jameson.
213
00:16:27,215 --> 00:16:29,683
(MUMBLING) Not with the pastry.
214
00:16:31,495 --> 00:16:33,963
Not with the pastry.
215
00:16:34,135 --> 00:16:37,286
- For God's sake, shut up!
- what's the matter?
216
00:16:37,455 --> 00:16:42,131
will you stop going on about that bloody pastry
every time you fall asleep?
217
00:16:43,375 --> 00:16:48,529
Pastry? why on earth
would I talk about pastry in my sleep?
218
00:16:48,695 --> 00:16:50,686
I don't know.
219
00:16:51,575 --> 00:16:55,966
Are you still looking at that pet column?
Put it away. I'm not having it!
220
00:16:56,615 --> 00:16:59,812
One tortoise looks like another.
who'll know the difference?
221
00:16:59,975 --> 00:17:04,969
we will. we're going to know the real one
was cremated to death in the back garden.
222
00:17:06,495 --> 00:17:09,009
what will you tell them? It was an accident?
223
00:17:09,175 --> 00:17:14,169
No, I'll say we fancied some tortoise
tikka kebab and tossed it on the barbecue (!)
224
00:17:15,175 --> 00:17:22,411
It's just one of those things that happened
and we'll just have to break it to them gently.
225
00:17:23,135 --> 00:17:28,129
There's someone here
with a tortoise for sale in Dockrell Road.
226
00:17:28,295 --> 00:17:31,526
Now, I could pop in there
first thing in the morning.
227
00:17:31,695 --> 00:17:34,084
I said no.
228
00:17:35,495 --> 00:17:37,565
No...
229
00:17:37,735 --> 00:17:39,726
Right.
230
00:17:39,895 --> 00:17:42,284
(VICTOR SIGHS)
231
00:17:43,935 --> 00:17:45,926
I said no.
232
00:17:46,095 --> 00:17:49,087
Keep away from me with the pastry!
233
00:17:49,255 --> 00:17:51,450
Not with that pastry!
234
00:17:59,215 --> 00:18:02,446
- Is that you off?
- Yes, get something for myself.
235
00:18:02,615 --> 00:18:07,086
Don't be too late back. You know
what the traffic is like getting into London.
236
00:18:07,255 --> 00:18:10,053
You're not taking tranquillisers again?
237
00:18:10,215 --> 00:18:12,604
No, I'm sterilising the bottle.
238
00:18:13,615 --> 00:18:17,688
- Oh, for your erm...?
- Yes, they want it this afternoon.
239
00:18:17,855 --> 00:18:22,167
And tell Mrs warboys
I'm sorry about Mr warboys' hair.
240
00:18:23,095 --> 00:18:25,370
Yes, so was he, by all accounts.
241
00:18:26,455 --> 00:18:28,923
- See you later.
- Bye.
242
00:18:36,695 --> 00:18:39,926
Right. It's now or never, I suppose.
243
00:18:45,735 --> 00:18:48,533
Don't play with that, darling.
244
00:18:48,695 --> 00:18:53,371
Go and help Daddy get Auntie Norma's foot
out of the glove compartment.
245
00:18:53,535 --> 00:18:55,924
(PHONE RINGS)
246
00:18:58,575 --> 00:19:01,772
Hello...? Victor, how are you?
247
00:19:01,935 --> 00:19:05,052
Yes, just this minute... Lovely, thanks.
248
00:19:05,215 --> 00:19:09,128
How's Kylie? Hasn't been giving you
too much trouble, I hope?
249
00:19:09,295 --> 00:19:12,492
well, no, that's why I'm ringing, I'm afraid.
250
00:19:13,295 --> 00:19:15,650
I'm afraid...
251
00:19:15,815 --> 00:19:18,807
she's dead, unfortunately.
252
00:19:19,895 --> 00:19:21,886
She er...
253
00:19:22,055 --> 00:19:24,649
I feel just terrible about this.
254
00:19:24,815 --> 00:19:28,774
She went out into the back garden
and she must have...
255
00:19:28,935 --> 00:19:31,210
I beg your pardon?
256
00:19:32,895 --> 00:19:38,049
Quite peacefully, I suppose. One minute
she was fine, the next minute she was...
257
00:19:38,215 --> 00:19:40,888
Oh, my God.
258
00:19:41,055 --> 00:19:43,694
Oh, Victor, I'd better go now.
259
00:19:44,455 --> 00:19:46,969
Thanks for letting me know, anyway.
260
00:19:47,135 --> 00:19:49,729
Yes... Yes, I will.
261
00:19:50,775 --> 00:19:52,254
Bye.
262
00:19:55,935 --> 00:19:59,007
Oh...God!
263
00:20:10,975 --> 00:20:14,172
I suppose it is being a bit dishonest, really.
264
00:20:15,735 --> 00:20:20,047
what's worse?
Being dishonest or upsetting that little girl?
265
00:20:24,575 --> 00:20:28,170
I'll just pop it in to her. I won't be a sec.
266
00:20:42,135 --> 00:20:44,649
why is it you can never go when you want to?
267
00:21:10,015 --> 00:21:12,529
Can't stop. There's a friend outside in the car.
268
00:21:12,695 --> 00:21:17,291
But I thought you'd want her back
as soon as possible. There we are.
269
00:21:17,455 --> 00:21:21,164
Yes, well, thanks for everything anyway.
270
00:21:21,855 --> 00:21:25,734
You can take her out in the garden now
and play with her.
271
00:21:26,815 --> 00:21:30,285
well, I don't think that's such a good idea,
do you?
272
00:21:30,455 --> 00:21:32,844
(MOUTHS wORDS)
273
00:21:35,135 --> 00:21:37,729
- Look, I'll give you a ring later.
- Oh, right.
274
00:21:37,895 --> 00:21:42,889
And thank you for those tickets.
we're really looking forward to it. See you soon.
275
00:21:51,655 --> 00:21:54,533
(MUMBLES IN HIS SLEEP)
276
00:21:54,695 --> 00:21:56,890
It's all gone now.
277
00:21:59,095 --> 00:22:01,814
There's no more pastry.
278
00:22:04,375 --> 00:22:06,843
- I'll take these for you.
- Oh, thanks.
279
00:22:07,015 --> 00:22:11,008
You go on in. I've just got to pop this
in the box round the corner.
280
00:22:17,775 --> 00:22:20,608
Anyone home? Yoo-hoo!
281
00:22:20,775 --> 00:22:23,005
Mr Meldrew?
282
00:22:23,175 --> 00:22:26,167
It wasn't as crowded down town as we expected
283
00:22:26,335 --> 00:22:30,806
and Margaret managed to find
just the right thing the first place we went in,
284
00:22:30,975 --> 00:22:32,966
so it was all we...
285
00:22:34,815 --> 00:22:37,170
Mr Meldrew?
286
00:22:40,855 --> 00:22:42,846
Mr Meldrew?
287
00:22:48,895 --> 00:22:50,886
Oh, my God!
288
00:22:59,775 --> 00:23:03,404
''By the time you read this, I will be...dead.
289
00:23:04,215 --> 00:23:06,683
''My life has become such a gutted shell,
290
00:23:06,855 --> 00:23:11,610
''I've decided to snuff out
my worthless existence once and for all.''
291
00:23:12,655 --> 00:23:14,771
Oh, my God!
292
00:23:14,935 --> 00:23:17,927
what have you done? Oh!
293
00:23:32,495 --> 00:23:37,125
- (RETCHING)
- what's happened? what's the matter?
294
00:23:37,295 --> 00:23:41,083
Just take his other arm
and help me to walk him round the room.
295
00:23:41,255 --> 00:23:43,644
what's going on? what's happening?
296
00:23:43,815 --> 00:23:47,251
He's going to be all right.
There's nothing to worry about.
297
00:23:47,415 --> 00:23:50,407
I think I managed
to get it all out of his stomach.
298
00:23:50,575 --> 00:23:54,887
But we've got to keep him awake
and hope that he might not faint.
299
00:23:55,055 --> 00:23:59,810
Got all what out of his stomach?
what's happened? Jean!
300
00:23:59,975 --> 00:24:03,524
Look, the empty bottle and the note. Oh!
301
00:24:06,975 --> 00:24:09,808
Oh, no!
302
00:24:13,135 --> 00:24:14,648
what?
303
00:24:16,015 --> 00:24:18,370
what's the matter?
304
00:24:18,535 --> 00:24:20,685
(COUGHS)
305
00:24:20,855 --> 00:24:23,415
what have I done?
306
00:24:34,735 --> 00:24:37,124
- How's your throat now?
- Fine.
307
00:24:37,295 --> 00:24:42,085
Absolutely fine since Mrs warboys
took her finger out of it. I haven't looked back!
308
00:24:42,895 --> 00:24:47,889
Erm, a Ford Fiesta, you said?
Can you remember when you brought it in?
309
00:24:48,055 --> 00:24:50,728
Yes. 23 minutes past six.
310
00:24:51,935 --> 00:24:53,448
Right.
311
00:25:00,935 --> 00:25:02,926
''Les Misérables.''
312
00:25:03,095 --> 00:25:07,247
- ''The miserable people'', right?
- I presume so, yes.
313
00:25:07,415 --> 00:25:10,487
Brilliant show. Absolutely brilliant.
314
00:25:11,575 --> 00:25:14,885
So I'm told by people who have actually seen it.
315
00:25:15,055 --> 00:25:18,934
You checked the date as well as me.
June 16th.
316
00:25:20,735 --> 00:25:25,013
Still, we should look on the bright side.
The seats were very comfortable.
317
00:25:25,175 --> 00:25:30,807
For the three and a half minutes we were sitting
in them! And we managed to get there early.
318
00:25:33,095 --> 00:25:35,290
One year early.
319
00:25:36,135 --> 00:25:39,127
Yes, that's one I wasn't expecting.
320
00:25:39,295 --> 00:25:42,173
That certainly was a corker, that one!
321
00:25:42,335 --> 00:25:46,089
The tickets being for June 16th next year!
322
00:25:46,895 --> 00:25:51,525
It's a very popular show.
You have to book so far in advance these days.
323
00:25:53,255 --> 00:25:55,325
Erm, what colour was it?
324
00:25:55,495 --> 00:25:57,690
For goodness'... Light grey.
325
00:25:58,535 --> 00:26:02,926
You're not married to a woman named Mavis
at my local dry-cleaner's?
326
00:26:03,935 --> 00:26:06,972
- Registration?
- C65 GTB.
327
00:26:09,695 --> 00:26:12,767
If they've lost my car, that's it!
328
00:26:12,935 --> 00:26:17,451
It'll be me in that incinerator tonight.
I've just about had enough!
329
00:26:17,615 --> 00:26:20,493
(CAR ENGINE STARTS)
330
00:26:35,935 --> 00:26:39,371
- That's not my car.
- That's the number you just told me.
331
00:26:41,495 --> 00:26:43,884
It most certainly is not.
332
00:26:46,335 --> 00:26:48,929
My mind must have been on something else.
333
00:27:06,855 --> 00:27:10,325
By the way, I meant to tell you.
I got another tortoise.
334
00:27:10,495 --> 00:27:15,967
I took it round to them this afternoon.
They don't suspect a thing, so don't say anything.
335
00:27:16,855 --> 00:27:19,449
Let's just let sleeping dogs lie.
336
00:27:20,095 --> 00:27:23,849
I rang her up this morning just after you'd gone.
337
00:27:24,015 --> 00:27:27,087
I told her it was dead.
338
00:27:28,975 --> 00:27:30,966
She didn't...
339
00:27:35,535 --> 00:27:37,207
No...
340
00:28:16,775 --> 00:28:20,131
# They say I might as well face the truth
341
00:28:20,295 --> 00:28:23,207
# That I am just too long in the tooth
342
00:28:23,375 --> 00:28:26,606
# I've started to deteriorate
343
00:28:26,775 --> 00:28:30,211
# And now I've passed my own sell-by date
344
00:28:30,375 --> 00:28:34,050
# Oh, I am no spring chicken, it 's true
345
00:28:34,215 --> 00:28:37,525
# I have to pop my teeth in to chew
346
00:28:37,695 --> 00:28:40,892
# And my old knees have started to knock
347
00:28:41,055 --> 00:28:44,172
# I've just got too many miles on the clock
348
00:28:44,335 --> 00:28:48,123
# So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways
349
00:28:48,295 --> 00:28:52,049
# It's true that my body has seen better days
350
00:28:52,215 --> 00:28:55,730
# But give me half a chanceand I can still misbehave
351
00:28:55,895 --> 00:28:58,534
# One foot in the grave
352
00:28:59,215 --> 00:29:01,854
# One foot in the grave
353
00:29:02,855 --> 00:29:05,733
# One foot in the grave #
29325
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