Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language

and adult humour from the start.

SHE LAUGHS

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!

# She's Mrs Brown

# That's Mrs Brown

# Our Mrs Brown. #

No, I can't make it out.

Everything looks like just a dead Chihuahua to me.

Wait till I get some light. You won't need a light.

Sure the sun shines out of my arse. Ha!

Don't believe your mother.

Oh, hello! And season's greetings. I'll be with you in a second.

I'm just going deep into the forest to check something.

Mammy! What the hell are you doing? Oh, Cathy, good girl.

Dr Flynn is on the phone. Tell him I'll be with him in a minute.

I'm just checking something for him.

Hello, Dr Flynn?

Yes. Er, she said she's just checking something.

And I can't make anything out.

Oh! Hot, hot! Hot!

Shut up, ya big cissy. Uh-oh!

HUGE FART

Grandad, you blew out the fecking candle.

Sorry.

Dr Flynn wants to know, what are you checking?

Dr Flynn asked me to check

if Grandad's testicles had gone black yet.

No, Mammy, he asked you to check

if Grandad's test results had come back yet.

Well, tell him the postman hasn't come yet.

I'll get her to call you later, Dr Flynn.

Cathy, take him into his bedroom. Come on.

And you might think about shaving...

..Cathy.

Well, I could have done without that.

In fact, I could have done without this whole year.

Everybody in February was raving about Covid-19.

Nobody talked about the 18 Covids before that.

And then people started panicking.

Before you knew it, the shelves in the shops were empty.

What were people thinking?

The man on the television said, "We're going to have a pandemic."

And the next thing, people are going, "Pandemic?! Oh, my God!

"How will I wipe my arse?"

SHE LAUGHS

Madness.

Rory and Dino decided

that they wanted to get their own brand of hairdryer on the market.

The Wash And Blow Dryer.

Where did they go to get it made?

Wuhan in China! Yeah. They're still there, and they can't get back.

Poor Grandad had to isolate himself in his bedroom for two weeks.

He lost seven pounds.

All I fed him during the two weeks was cream crackers and cheese.

It's the only thing that would fit under the door!

SHE LAUGHS

What's funny? Nothing, Cathy. Sit down.

Do you want a cup of tea? Yes, please.

Hello, Winnie. Hello, Agnes.

Is the weather bad out there?

VOICE MUFFLED

Yeah. No, Winnie, in the script it says mumble, not fuckin' mime.

Here. Take that off ya. Go on, take it off ya and sit down.

Mammy, why is Winnie wearing that?

You don't have to cover up now for your next-door neighbour.

Don't tell her.

I get great fun walking around the supermarket with Buzz Aldrin.

Sit down, Winnie. Thanks, love. Do you want tea?

Oh, yes, please. Ah, for fuck's sake.

You look tired, pet. Why wouldn't I be? I had Jim this morning.

Mm. And how is Jim?

The happiest milkman in Finglas.

Ah, lovely. Here, any news from Rory and Dino?

Oh, just the usual weekly FeckFace.

"FaceTime." Whatever!

Well, I hope they don't get the virus.

Get it? Winnie, they probably buckin' started it.

Do you think so?

No!

Any news your end? Oh, yeah, Sharon went to see a dietician.

Oh, good for her. So, what did the dietician say?

Well... she said he said she could eat anytn...

..anything other than... tomatoes.

Do you want to try that again?

She said he said...

No, wait. Now.

She said he said she could eat anything... except tomatoes.

You're doing it. You're getting... You're getting so fuckin' close.

Come on, come on!

She said... Yes? ..he said... Yes.

..she could eat anything...

Yes? ..except tomatoes.

AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS

But Sharon doesn't like tomatoes.

I know. Wasn't that lucky?

I'm going over to see her. See you later.

Cheers, pet. See ya, chicken.

You know, I really missed you during the lockdown, Winnie.

I missed you, too, Agnes. Hm.

AUDIENCE: Aw!

Could I borrow a couple of toilet rolls off ya, love?

Winnie, I swear to God, if I had some I'd give them to ya.

What did you do to amuse yourself during the lockdown?

Well, I did a jigsaw...

Yeah? ..I did some knitting... Mm-hm.

..and I ran out of stuff to watch on the telly.

I know, I know!

So many feckin' repeats.

# Stuff the turkey's arse with holly

# Tra-la-la-la-la, la-la la-la! #

Yeah, there.

TREE COUGHS

God bless ya.

That wasn't me, Winnie.

Hiya, Mrs McGoogan.

Ah, hello, boys. Just us, Ma.

And me, Buster, Mrs Brown.

Buster, I already said, "Us". Who did you think I was talking about?

I thought you were talking about you, Dermo.

If it was just me, why would I say, "Us"?

Well, you have put on a bit of weight, Dermo.

What? Just kidding.

Hello, son. Ah! Oh, no, no, no. No.

Come on.

Busy day? Busy enough.

Just making people aware, you know.

Yeah, he's a syringe, I'm the vaccine. No, son,

he's a syringe and you're the buckin' disease!

Buster...

Buster! I'm only joking.

Now, get that sad face off ya or Santa Claus won't come.

What are you hoping to get this Christmas, Buster?

An STD.

A HDTV, Buster!

Oh, thank God.

That's why the Santa in the shopping centre barred me!

No way!

So, Buster, what did you do to amuse yourself during the lockdown?

I read a book. By Shakespeare.

Oh! Which one?

Er...

..William, I think.

Right, we'd better head back.

Oh, Mrs Brown, watch out for Knicky Knacky Dicky.

Oh, I heard about this. What's Knicky Knacky Dicky?

Not "what", "who". Yeah.

There's a fella going round the estate knocking on women's doors,

but before they open the door he's sticking his willy

through the letterbox. No way!

Oh, my God!

Did they get a description? Er...

Of the man!

Nope, nobody's seen him. Not his face, anyway.

See yas.

Sharon thinks she recognised him.

She saw his face?

No.

Anyway, I'd better go, have a shower. Right...

Agnes? What, Winnie? Could I scrounge some biscuits off ya?

Don't go near the cupboard, Winnie!

Winnie, that's all the biscuits I have to do me now.

I don't have any spare. OK, love.

Oh!

Buster's serious about that Knicky Knacky Dicky.

You watch out for him, Agnes. I will.

Oh, I will!

Mm. # Silent night

# Holy night... #

LETTERBOX RATTLES

TREE COUGHS

Shh. God bless you.

LETTERBOX RATTLES

Go on, put your willy in the letterbox, I dare ya.

I'll bite it off.

Hello, Father. Are you OK, Mrs Brown?

Yes. No, I thought you were... that you... stick the...

..in the... in the...

Come in, Father, come in.

Ha! A mask. Very good. Very inventive.

Well...

I bet these light up or something, do they?

No, Father, no. Christmas trees are like priests. You know,

the balls are just for decoration.

Tea, Father? I will, please.

TREE COUGHS

God bless.

Well, Father, if you're looking for Trevor, you're out of luck.

He's not in this episode.

No, I just popped in to see how you and Grandad are.

Oh, we're getting by. How did you manage during the lockdown?

Grand, we got through it. Mrs Brown, could you help me out?

Certainly, Father, just go through that door,

through the garden gate and then straight on to the main road.

What's that, Father? Oh! It's the post.

I met the postman outside and I offered to bring them in.

Thank you very much. You said you want me to help you with something?

Just advice. Well, if I can.

You have a way of commanding attention, Mrs Brown.

Oh, Father, now...

Well, yeah.

I'm having trouble communicating with the parishioners.

Ah, parishioners, yeah, yeah.

When I'm trying to deliver the word of the Lord... Yeah.

..I don't feel I'm getting the message across

and they don't listen to me. Look at that, Father.

Left the price on the back of the card. How thoughtless is that?

I'm sorry, what were you mumbling?

That I can't really get across the word.

Crosswords? I love crosswords. I'm very good at them, too.

Hiya, Mammy. Hello, Cathy. Hello, Father. Hiya.

Oh, Father Damien's having trouble with his crossword.

Really? What's the clue? No, no, no.

I'm having trouble delivering the word of the Lord.

How many letters? About 12.

"Delivering the word," 12 letters.

No, no, communication.

No. Too many letters.

Oh, most of them are for me, so you needn't worry.

The clue! Let me think, Father.

Hello, Mrs Brown. Hello, Buster!

Hiya. Hello, Cathy!

Hello, Buster. All right, Father? There you go, Mrs Brown.

Thank you, son.

Buster, here's a crossword clue for you.

Ah, Mammy, don't embarrass him.

Don't be so fecking condescending, Cathy.

Buster, "Delivering the word of the Lord," 12 letters.

Ah, it's easy.

G-A-L-L-A-B-O-U-T-E-V-E.

Gallabouteve. It means "biblical epic".

- See ya later. - AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS

Ah, one for me, one for me,

one for you, one for me, one for me,

another one for you, one for me... No, hold on. Go back.

That's not for you. That one's for me.

I beg your pardon, Cathy.

I think you'll find, if it says "Mrs Brown", that's for me.

I am Mrs Brown.

Oh, you are Mrs Brown. But that says M-S.

Ms Brown. I am Ms Brown.

I think you'll find that unless it says M-S Cathy Brown, pacifically...

..cos you're a spinster...

..then it's for me. I think Cathy might be right.

Oh, I think you're in company here, Father, not conversation.

Oh, right.

Well, I think you'll find it's in my possession now and that's that.

That girl has no respect. Can I get back to what I was saying about

trying to really get my message across this Christmas?

Yes, Father. Look, what you need to do is...

Hiyas. Hello, girls. Hello, Maria, hello, Barbara.

Oh, wait a minute, back, back. Get back. Back off.

Father, you have to go. Go? But why?

New production rules. Only four in a scene.

Out.

Cathy, show him out.

See ya, Father Damien. Thanks for dropping in.

Enjoyed the chat.

Nice man.

Mrs Brown, it's Christmas, that rule doesn't apply any more.

- I know, but he doesn't know that. - SHE LAUGHS

Mrs Brown? Yes? I know you booked an appointment for me

to style your hair for Christmas. Yes, Friday, two o'clock.

Well, Barbara's worried, and to be honest, she's right to.

What are you saying? I'm going to do your hair here in the house.

The salon is packed and we don't want to take any chances. Chances?

You know, with you in the high-risk category.

Me? High risk? Primio risko? Or as they say in Russia...

..hhharhhhumtunkh.

You know, people with pre-existing conditions and...

..the elderly.

I see, Barbara.

And what exactly would my...

.."pre-existing condition" be?

Medications. You're on a lot of medications.

And they say, if you're on them, that you should take extra care.

Exactly, medications.

SHE MOUTHS

I suppose.

Right, Barbara, let's go.

See ya. See yas. See ya Friday.

Mammy, sit down. What's up?

What do you know about a competition in the Radio Times?

I don't know anything about any...

Oh, wait a minute. There was a competition

that Winnie had in a magazine, and she said the two of us

should enter, for the craic. And what was it for?

The BBC have decided that, after the Queen's Christmas message,

that a member of the public should deliver a Christmas message,

and whoever wins the competition gets to do it.

Why do you want to know? You've only won it.

Fuck off!

You are kidding me!

Oh, Cathy, we only entered for fun.

Winnie! Hiya, Cathy, love! Hiya, Mrs McGoogan. Hi, what's up?

Winnie, do you remember that competition you got us to enter?

Oh... Oh, the one about the Queen's message? Yes, yes, yes!

Oh, I do. Yes. To be honest, Agnes, I bought 50 of them magazines

and I entered it 50 times. Yeah.

Really? Yeah.

It means that much to you?

Yeah!

I've prayed and prayed to St Anthony, St Jude,

St Ronaldo... He's not a saint. ..every night,

asking, "Oh, please, please, PLEASE let me win."

It would make my whole year.

AUDIENCE: Aw!

Anyway, why are you asking?

I just...

I was just wondering if you'd heard anything from them.

No, nothing as yet.

They're probably leaving it till the last minute,

you know, to keep it a secret.

Yeah, secret. Yeah, probably.

Anyway, I just came over to see if you're coming to Foley's tonight.

I don't know, Winnie. The restrictions drive me mad.

Ah, Agnes, come on. It'll be fun.

They sell drink, don't they? Yeah. Yeah, I'll be there.

I'll see ya later, love. See ya, Winnie, see ya. Bye!

See ya, Winnie!

And how are you going to tell her?

I don't know. I'll think about it.

Well, you'd better think fast.

The longer you leave it, the worse it's going to be.

I didn't even... want to enter the feckin' thing.

POSH VOICE: Well, hello...

..hhhordinary people!

NORMAL VOICE: I'd be feckin' good at this.

Back away. Back away, Sharon. Thank you.

Hiya, Winnie. How are ya, love?

Back off. Keep your distance.

Here you go. Ah, cheers, pet. That's lovely.

Are they still doing that social-distance thing?

Leave them alone. It's great craic watching them.

Agnes, do you know what I was thinking about today? What?

You see them guide dogs? What about them?

Well, who picks up their shit?

Some things change, some things never change.

Lily Cunningham is 104 tomorrow.

We'll see.

Winnie, see this competition? My one, the Queen's Speech? Yeah.

I told ya, Agnes, I haven't heard anything yet,

but fingers crossed, eh?

Oh, I don't know what I'm going to wear.

Mother of God, she's not going to make it easy for me, is she?

Crisps, pet? In a minute, Winnie.

Winnie, I heard from them.

They sent me a letter.

I won it.

When? Today.

But I was in your house twice today, and you never said anything to me.

I know.

Winnie...

Back off, Agnes Brown...

..you... you speech stealer!

BANG!

Some friend!

AUDIENCE: Aw!

What do you think, Maria? Super job. Dino couldn't have done better.

Well done!

DOORBELL RINGS

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Back off the door.

If there's a willy coming through that letterbox,

- it'll be addressed to me. - SHE LAUGHS

I'm ready.

Hello, Father. Well, do come in.

Post. Oh, you've become a regular Postman Pat, Father.

Hi, Father Damien.

Wait a minute.

Barbara?

Out.

THEY MOUTH

Here, hang on, Barbara, I'll go with ya.

Oh, good shot. Two for one.

So, you said you wanted to see me, Mrs Brown.

Yes, Father. You were saying that you're having a problem getting

across your Christmas message. Yes. Do you have a solution? I think so.

The Queen thing gave me an idea. "Queen thing"?

Ach, never mind, Father. Father, what you need to do

is get a member of the community to give the sermon on Christmas Day.

Great idea. But who?

Well, it has to be somebody who's, you know, who'd be listened to,

who's respected, somebody who's, you know, pleasing to the eye...

..somebody who the communicants really like...

..somebody who's modest.

Where's my light?

Thank you.

And somebody who'd be... a good speaker.

True. But... do you know anyone like that?

Well, Father, I'm not available,

and apparently Boutros Boutros-Ghali has retired.

So there's your person.

You're absolutely right. I think so. Thank you, Mrs Brown.

SHE LAUGHS

Good luck, Father.

You're not going to tell me the name you gave Father Damien, are you?

No.

Get in here. Sit down.

Hello, Winnie.

What's going on?

Mammy has something she wants to say to your mammy, Cathy.

Go on, Mammy.

I'm sorry, Agnes. I shouldn't have reacted the way I did.

You deserve it. Oh, Winnie!

How humiliating for you.

You must feel so small.

But you're right, I do deserve it.

Well, you're not getting it. Cathy, don't stop me now.

I'M not. They are.

"It was always meant that whomever gives the Christmas Day address

"should be resident within the Commonwealth."

You've been disqualified.

That's great!

I mean, no way!

Finglas is not in the Commonwealth? I'll see ya later, Cathy.

Come on, you. Right.

Oh, Agnes, are you coming to Foley's tonight for the karaoke?

I don't know, Winnie. People tend to get very emotional when I sing.

Ah, come on, Agnes, it'll be fun.

Of course I'll be there. OK. And, Winnie?

Yes, love?

WINNIE GASPS

AUDIENCE: Aw! Agnes, I...

I... Just take it. I'll do without.

Thanks, love. See ya at the karaoke. Yeah.

AGNES LAUGHS

You really wanted to give that speech, didn't ya, Mammy?

Honestly?

Yes.

I just thought it would cheer me up. Yeah.

But I don't know what it would have done for the Queen!

Oh...

"Somebody who's never had sex."

Something I, something G...

..something something.

Oh, yeah, course.

Ginger.

Hello, son. Hey, Ma.

What's wrong with him? Don't mind him.

He reminds me of your father after sex!

So I've been told.

I was usually asleep.

TMI. Oh, who's TMI? Tommy, is it? What's wrong with him?

I dunno! He got a call in the car and he's been like that since.

Buster? Buster!

What's wrong?

I have a gig for Christmas Day.

Really? Doing what?

Father Damien's after asking me to give the Christmas sermon.

That's a great idea.

Good luck with that. You'll be brilliant.

I better get writing something, then.

Who's the baby's father again? Joseph.

No, seriously, come on, who?

BOTH: Joseph!

OK.

It was Joseph, wasn't it?

My God, where's he off to?

Bible study, I hope.

So, Dermot, did you tell her?

No. Tell me what?

I believe you entered a contest to address

the nation in answer to the Queen's address.

I was disqualified.

Apparently, Finglas is not in the Credit Union, so I'm not doing it.

Oh, yes, you are. I don't think so, Dermot.

Ma, I'm going to set up a camera here in the house.

You're going to do your address

and we're going to put it on the internet.

And we are going to give you a makeover.

Me, a makeover? Why? What's wrong with me? Where do I start?!

No, Mrs Brown, we're going to do you up like the Queen.

Freddie Mercury?!

No, THE Queen. Oh, THE Queen.

Right, you lot, let's get down to the karaoke. You coming, Ma?

Yeah, yeah. Yes, I am, but you go on, I'll follow yas down.

ALL: See ya. See yas.

THE Queen?

SHE LAUGHS

So, this is Christmas 2020.

I think that we can all agree that this year has been...

What's the word I'm looking for?

..shit.

But, you know, every cloud has a silver lining.

I haven't been able to hug my grandchildren for ages,

but they FaceTimed me every day,

so I actually saw more of them than I ever did.

We discovered new heroes in our lives - doctors, nurses, porters,

truck drivers, cleaners, delivery people and supermarket crews,

people I used to take for granted.

I hope I never do again.

And television. Where would we have been without the TV?

You know, we were all determined to make this show this year.

Nothing would stop us, because in the middle of all the chaos

and hurly-burly that's come at us,

this year we need a... a laugh.

I wish we could give this whole year a makeover,

though we all learned a little bit about ourselves this year.

Some rediscovered the importance of family.

Me and Winnie realised we really are best friends.

Cathy and Maria remembered why they went into the health service

in the first place.

And Sharon? She was shocked how expensive batteries are for her...

..personal electronics. You know, her...

SHE BUZZES

It's been tough.

Some days, instead of going forward,

it felt like we were swimming through porridge.

Speaking of porridge,

Ronnie Barker! Now there's a man that could make me laugh!

Thank God for comedy.

Whether it's Jimmy Carr or Catherine Tate

or Michael McIntyre, Lee Mack's Not Going Out,

Two Doors Down or Derry Girls, comedy will always give us a lift.

You can be sure of it.

When times are tough...

MUSIC STARTS

..we'll stand by you.

# Oh...

# Why you look so sad?

# The tears are in your eyes

# Come on and come to me now

# And don't...

# ..be ashamed to cry

# Let me see you through

# Cos I've seen the dark side too

# When the night falls on you

# You don't know what to do

# Nothing you confess

# Could make me love you less

ALL: We'll stand by you

# We'll stand by you

# Won't let nobody hurt you

# We'll stand by you

# We'll stand by you

# Won't let nobody hurt you

# We'll stand by you

# Take me into your darkest hour

# And we'll never desert you

# We'll stand by you

# We'll stand by you

# Won't let nobody hurt you

# We'll stand by you

# Take me into your darkest hour

# And we'll never desert you

# We'll stand by you. #

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS AND CHEERS

Goodnight, merry Christmas and a very happy new year.

Let me know when you're ready to go, Dermot.

It's running. Oh, no. Where?

The camera is running. It's recording!

Ah, Dermot, for God's sake, you never told me! I'm not ready.

Go!

POSH VOICE: How do you do?

Feck you, anyway.

I would firstly like to thank Her Majesty

for a wonderful Christmas greeting.

It was a wonderful impersonation of Olivia Colman.

I remember some years ago, Your Majesty, when you had

your "anus horriblis".

Well, this year has been an anus horriblis for all of us,

but you, Your Majesty, you were perfectly wonderful through it all.

I am privileged to address the nation

or, as they are called, the "people-us horribilis".

But it was actually my best friend, Winnie McGoogan,

who made it possible.

Say hello, Winnie. Your Majesty,

and the people of the world,

let me...

CRASH!

Thanks, Winnie. Sorry.

So, where was I?

Oh, yes.

People of Ireland... and Great Britain...

..and Isle of Man...

Why is that light flashing?

The battery's going. Hurry it up.

I just want to say well done to Liverpool FC on winning

the Premiership, Dublin on winning the All-Ireland,

congratulations to Lewis Hamilton,

Katie Taylor, Shane Lowry, Rory McIlroy, St Helens,

Arsenal and Peter Wright - all champions.

And to Andy Murray, well done, son, on a brave comeback.

And to you, Your Majesty, I hope in 2021

your anus...

# Our Mrs Brown. #

SHE LAUGHS