All language subtitles for Love and Air Sex 2013 720p WEB-DL H264-PublicHD-resync

Do you have a preference here?

Um, I...

I don't, do you?
Okay.

Okay, I'm gonna be honest, I just don't know anything.

I know absolutely nothing about wines.
Okay.

I'll tell you how I make my decision.
Uh-huh?

I go...

Cheapest? No, the second cheapest.

This is a date,
okay? I'm trying to...

You know, I'm trying to...
So, second cheapest.
Right.

- Second cheapest.
- Is that cool?

What do you, um...

So, what are you doing after this?

Do you have plans?
Do you have another...

- I'm free, I'm free.
- Oh, good. I'm glad to hear that, because...

I don't know, you seem to be having a good time.
I'm having a very good time.

Thanks.
Thank you so much.

- Enjoy.
- That's the weird thing

that you like to order.

Yeah, I think you'll
love it. It's a liver pate.

Oh, that sounds good.
Liver pate.

It was just, I wanted to thank you.

Oh, no, no, no, absolutely.

Don't mind us.
Oh, I'm so sorry, sir. I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

You don't have to apologize
that much, he's gonna be okay.

- Are you all right?
- I'm fine, I'm fine.

What are you, um...

So what do you...

I saw a dash of fear.
So they take the...

Okay, I get a little...
I swear!

Oh, God, I actually feel completely comfortable,

it's just... Oh.

I...
I can tell you...

This is what it's like.

This is what you can afford.

What I can afford?
Here, I'll clean it up.

What is wrong with you, dude?

That's really shitty.

No, that's... Nope.

It's already rough.

I not gonna do that, that's crazy.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Fuck.

Fuck it.

You've reached the voice mailbox of...

My fat dick!

Jeff! What's up, man?
It's Stan.

Uh, been a while! Listen...

Guess who's coming to Austin tomorrow?

Oh, crazy, last-minute thing, but, I...

I miss you, bud.

So, wondered if you could pick me up at the airport.

I'll text you the details.

Sorry it's out of the blue, but, um...

It'll be good to see you,

and your fat dick!

That's me?

Hey!

What the fuck, Stan?

Hey...

What are you doing here?

I'm in town for the weekend!

The douchebag isn't picking you up, is he?

You mean Jeff?
Don't say his name, I just ate.

Okay, what's going on?
Are you guys not together?

No, we're not, actually, ever, ever again.

So, what are you doing here?

You're joking, right?
What?

Hmm, this is accidental, you showing up in Austin,

this weekend, out of all weekends?
What are you talking about?

Are you trying to lie to me right now, Stan?
What?

Shit.

Who's that?

I just... I miss her, Kara.
I miss her so bad.

And I just felt like if I...
She has made a lot of progress

these past six months, no thanks to you

and your little "second thought, I'm depressed" blues.
I am depressed.

I know you are, but you are not gonna call her.
You're not gonna text her.

No coming by my house, no El Azteca.

No Dog & Duck.
Okay, wait, wait, wait...

Okay, no! No.
You are not here.
Do you understand me?

She doesn't own Austin.

No, I do.

It really feels like you're taking sides here.

Just get the fuck out of here!

I've gotta get this bitch to buy me some brisket.

Are you gonna leave her alone?

It's a small town.

Stan, I don't know if you can see me,

It says Backdoor Tacos on it, I have my left hand extended.
Can you be more specific?

Mmm, I don't see you.
Um... It's green, there's some tassels on it.

Uh, I'm sitting in the front seat.
Hey, buddy.

Brought the truck?
What happened to your car?

Car was repoed, kind of a
sensitive subject, please get in.

Um, are you okay?

I'm fine.

I like your hair.

I don't.

So, have you seen Jeff at all?

Nope.

Have you guys talked?

Nope.

You know she has a superpower?

Did you know that?
She has a superpower.

Oh, yeah?
Yeah!

She can make a check turn invisible

when it lands on the table.

I swear to God, man.

One time I sat there for fucking 45 minutes.

I was just curious, I just wanted
to see what was gonna happen.

She's just sipping her water and chatting.

The waiter comes over and he's like,
"Excuse me, I'd like to close out now."

And she's just sipping her water and chatting.

Finally, I pick her fucking thing up and she says,

"Oh, thank you
so much, sweetie!"

Like all of a sudden, the check fucking exists.

Fuck that shit!

So, otherwise you've been good?
So good, man.

I love being single so much.

What about you?
How's New York?

Oh, um...

Fine.

Classes?

Interesting.

Really hard.

Dr. Morgan.
So dope!

What?

Yeah, in like six years.

What's up with you, man, huh?

Coochie, coochie-coo!
Really?

Any guys that are worth a shit?

Oh, my God, dude, the girls in LA...

Really?
Woo!

I'm not really in the state of
mind where I think I'd notice.

Well, you have come to Austin, Texas on a good night,

because I've lined something up for this evening

that will have us literally eating pussy.

I don't think you mean...
Dude, don't doubt on...

Oh, you'll notice.

Tonight, you'll notice.

What! Get out of my holes!

Oh, man.

Thanks!

- No problem. You got it?
- Yes.

Okay.
Um, what is that?

Oh, yeah.
That's Jeff's shit.

I threw it out.
And he just left it here?

He's too scared to come by.

This is it?

Yep.

Hop out.

Why?

'Cause my door doesn't work, you have to get out.
Still?

Yeah, still.

So, how do you know this guy?

It's Redge.

Who's Redge?

Redge, he's...

He's old-school.

Yeah, you spread it.

- You spread it and then you fuck it.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey!

What up?
Dude, you gotta see this, dude.

Okay, okay.
You have to see this.

Stan, this is Joe.

Yo!
Oh, hey, man.

What's up, dude?
You live here, too?

Neat. This is Redge,
over here. He owns the place.

Hey, what's up... Hollywood!

Hey.

I'm gonna sleep on the couch,
you're gonna sleep on the floor.

Cool, thanks, man, I appreciate it.

Yeah, man, no problem, just,

the toilet doesn't work so
you've gotta pee-pee in the sink

and poo-poo at 7-Eleven.

Fantastic.

Joseph, let's see it.

Yeah!

She's so fucking wet, look at that!

Fuck, yeah.
Now, turn around, make her eat your ass.

Ass-eating time,
munch it.

It's time.

Oh, yeah, fuck her.

Ahh! Yeah, that's it,
that's it! Ooh!

Okay, yeah. Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Yeah.
- All right, all right.

That was fun.
What was that?

Oh, he nailed it.
It's air sex.

- What is that, air sex?
- You don't know what air sex...

I thought you said he was from LA?

- It's kind of a big deal.
- Okay.

Focus on me right now, guys.

Does this take place on the astral plane?

Or in a fantasy world?

No, this happens here in real life.

- Do the laws of physics apply here?
- Absolutely.

Here's what I'm seeing.

Whoa, what are you seeing?
I'm seeing you

laying on the ground
being sixty-nined,

and then when you say
"Have her eat your ass."

You sit up, she's magically underneath you.

- Are you fucking a ghost?
- Let's all slow down.

- Is he fucking a ghost?
- Nobody's done a fucking ghost routine,

that's a good idea, we should do a ghost routine.
Listen, okay, that's fine,

but if you're gonna fuck a ghost, we
have to introduce in the first act,

not the third act, that you're fucking a ghost.

Unless we're doing
an M. Night Shyamalama thing...

We are not gonna do an
M. Night Shyamalama thing!

Did I tell you how many guys I
slept with after our last breakup?

No?

Seven.

Wow!

Yep.

That's kind of a lot, right?

It's... It's not a little.

So you're gonna do that in front of hundreds of people?

Yeah.
Okay. That's ridiculous.

Right.
You do know that, right?

No, no, I do, I do, I do.

I know that it's ridiculous to win the finals

and get a month of free alcohol.

Horny college girls knowing that we know how to fuck?

It's silly, actually.

Okay, guys, order up!

- Ooh!
- Backdoor Tacos never die!

They just multiply.

Ah, muchas gracias!

Look, man, can we just go to a
regular bar, like the Dog & Duck?

The Dog & Duck suck and fuck?

Fuck that place.

What do you mean, "Fuck that place"?

He lost it in the divorce.
Shut the fuck up, Joey.

Just wanted some other dick, you know?
Yeah...

Like, I live with Jeff's dick.

It's just so familiar.

I see his pee coming out of it and I'm like,

"Oh, I have sex
with that sometimes."

It's like an appliance.

Like a microwave.

Like a tiny little microwave.

It's tiny?

Oh, like the fist of a preemie.
Ew.

Uh, uh, uh, uh.

Stan's is...
Is what?

Is huge?

No.
Is hairy?

No.
Is it all crooked?

What?

Hey, I once had sex with this guy

whose dick was so crooked it looked like a question mark

whenever he got hard.

Oh! What do you
want to know, little lady?

No, it's...

It's perfect.

No, Cath,

"Was", okay?

You gotta put that dick in the past tense.

No, I know.

Losing the sex stuff and the relationship stuff,

it's been hard.

But losing the friendship's been the worst.

And I could really use a friend up there right now.

Oh, buddy.

Sometimes I just wanna check in with him, you know.

Yeah.

Hear about what he's doing.

Okay, come here.

Stand here.

No reason to be nervous, okay?

We're gonna do something very, very simple.

It's not even sexual,
okay? I just want you to

do a little exercise with me.

Huh?

We're just doing some Tai Chi, that's all this is.

Is this weird?
Yeah, this is weird.

Well, that's on you, my friend.

Okay. Now, we're just gonna
make a little adjustment.

I just want you to turn your hands inward, like that.

Huh? Now look
what happened!

There it is!
What's all this, now?

Oh, my gosh, we're having sex with a beautiful woman.

Wow, so beautiful.
Yeah, man, just go with that.

Now just elaborate on that.

You can be the best sex guy ever,

- your dick can be 30 feet long.
- Daredevil, man.

Dude, go with that!
Aah! Aah!

Wet her whistle, man.
Jingle her bells.

My dick is so big!

This is her face, that's her ass, go.
You see that?

Oh, it's good, it's good, you're really good.

Help, get into it, though, like, join me.

'Cause that's her ass and this is her...
That's okay, you do this one.

I'll take the next one, you do this one.
Ooh!

Come on.
Yeah, there it is.

That was her head, I think.
No, I've got her head.

You're going in the ass.
Okay.

Look. Let's try
something over here.

Okay.

Oh! You are so
fucking pretty, Cathy!

What? No!
Yeah!

I'm serious, dude.

This is gonna sell like crazy once I get it on my site.

Of course it will!

It's gorgeous!

Oh.

Who's that?

Just some loser who won't leave me alone.

All right.

Work it, bitch!

But it's true, though, in Africa they...

There's many cultures, there's a bunch of countries...

Hey. Hey, guys?
Why don't we just, like,

hit up a bunch of different bars?

You know, just stop at a bunch of
places, get shots at each one,

I'll buy shots.

Stan, I understand if you want
to sit out on the bench tonight.

I get that you have body-shame
issues, you've got fat knees,

that's not your fault, all right?

But it doesn't mean you can't still
bang some strange this evening, buddy.

Okay, yeah. It's been
a long time

since you entered the field of battle,

that's true.
Uh-huh.

And you're worried about hatching out of your shell

before you're fully incubated.

Nobody likes preemies, they're disgusting.

That's not gonna be an issue,

because I'm gonna give you a couple
of arrows to put into your quiver.

That's going to help you to bring down the big game.

Maybe pick one metaphor?
Okay.

I'm just assuming that you...
Follow me here, Stan.

Girls guard the vagina.

Yeah, they guard it with their life.

Okay? So we have
to guard the penis.

Oh, okay.
Like a hockey goal, you know?

He doesn't like metaphors.
The puck is the vagina.

He doesn't like them, so we're not gonna use metaphors.

Stan?

You've gotta let them know they can't have this.

Because people always want what they can't have.
What they can't have...

See?
So, you've gotta be an asshole!

Yeah, but not a giant asshole.
Right.

You can't be an unfuckable asshole,

you have to be discreet.

You have to say things to women

that appear nice at first...
Very discreet.

Right. They appear nice, but
really, they're kind of mean.

Do y'all have a tab?
Jenkins.

Woo, that is a serious STD sandwich.

Who cares about them, this is our night, right?

Mmm-hmm.
Here is to home.

This will always be home, no matter what.

Boom! ATX in the hizzle!

Little bit weird!

How's it going, ladies?

Wow, you girls look really pretty.

I'm sorry, are you lost?

You're funny, I like your hair.

And your tats.
You wanna dance?

Mmm, no.

Oh. Why?
Is your boyfriend here?

I don't have a boyfriend.

He's an idiot!

Okay, so, for example, um...

You would say something like,
"That's a beautiful dress you have on,

"it really makes
your ass look small."

Or, like my friend says, "You're a fat ass,

"but you're really not that big."

Or, "Hey, is that a beauty mark,

"or do you just have
some shit on your face?"

That's really good.

That's really...
Can I use that?

Yeah, of course.
That's a good line.

Essentially, what we're doing, Stan,

is we're lowering
their self-esteem

so that then they look to us for validation

and we can...

you tell girls they're ugly so
they'll want to have sex with you.

Yeah.
In a nutshell.

Oh! Geez, um...
Oh, I'm so sorry, are you okay?

Yeah, it's... I...
Oh, my goodness, here.

Take that for you.
Thank you.

I'm so sorry, can I get you another drink?

Uh, no, that's okay...

I mean, I think you look like you need another drink.

Um...

Here, have some of mine.
No, I'm fine.

No, no, no, no roofies in this one.

On that note, I'm gonna leave you.

You know what?

You killed that.
Oh.

Excuse me,

two vodka tonics, please.
No, actually, I was just about to, um...

To go.
Oh, are you?

I wonder if I could possibly make this any more awkward.

No, no, it's not you, it's just...

Oh, my God, my friend is...

Oh, humping my brother on the dance floor.

What? That's
your brother?

Unfortunately, yes.

Wow, that just made this way more awkward.

I knew we could do it.
Here, cheers.

Who's this?

Um...

Give the girl some room.

You got a text.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck, yeah!

Oh, yeah!

Oh!

Oh, we have an asshole!

He's blowing right into an asshole!

Unbelievable!

Now he's getting another guy to
suck the weed out of the ass!

All right.
Hey, hey.

Now look, all right, all right, all right.

Now, look. I've shown
you what I can do up here.

Huh, huh, huh?

Now it's time for you to show me

what you can do, huh?
Come on.

Huh? Oh, come on.

Oh, come on, come on, no, don't sit down.

Dude, you've gotta get up there, it's your time.

You've been practicing, you're the man.

You're the diamond in the rough, you can shine!

The air wants to fuck,

and you must fuck the air.

You must fuck the air.

You must fuck the air.

You must fuck the air!

You must fuck the air!

You must fuck the air!
What are you doing?

Okay, so, that's why you came.

I will fuck the air!

Now I know why you're here.

I was gonna tell you, dude, I just...

Oh, yeah.

Fuck the air like a stallion, my friend!

Can I say something?

Oh, speak.

Uh, this is gonna go out
to my ex-girlfriend

who recently kicked me out of my house.

Ooh.
Yeah. Yeah.

Hey. Kara Jenkins?

You can't get this dick!

That's what's up!

Put your hands together

for Mr. Fuckasaurus Sex!

Yeah.
Do it.

What you got down there?

I'm such a terrible friend.

No, you're not.

No.
Yes, I am.

I am.

Well, maybe today, but not usually.

It's just so hard!

It's so hard,

it's so hard to be friends with both of you,

I love you both so much!

Don't cry, sweet girl.
I love you, Cathy.

Oh, Ralphie's here.

That's it, that's it.

Why am I such a bitch sometimes?
Oh, no, you're not a bitch.

Mmm, you're sexy.
You're so sweet...

What the fuck?
What are you doing?

Kissing your tears away.

You think your fish face is gonna make me feel better?

Come on, buddy.

So he came all the way to Austin just to see me?

Half creepy, half romantic.

Good old Stan.

I cannot see him tonight.

I'm not ready.

She's just like a young Goldie Hawn.

Okay.

In Wildcats.
I mean, I see it.

Just, so hot.
The coach, right?

So feisty!

Do you wanna go home?

No! No, that is not
why I came here.

I came here to have fun.

To have a good time.

Word up.

Let's just go someplace he'd never go in a million years.

What about them?

Is it just me, or doesn't he look like that guy

from Midnight Cowboy?

Like Jon Voight.

I love you.

That's a nice ass, huh?

Did you just say "nice ass"?

No.

Really, that wasn't you?

I... No, I would
never say that.

Oh, well, thanks.

Not that you don't have one, I'm just...
See, you were!

You were looking at my ass.
I wasn't!

What happened?
Dropped my phone down there.

Can you not reach it?

Well, do you see it in my hand?

You don't have to do that.

It's fine.

I've been out here for like, 20
minutes and nobody's offered to help.

Yeah, people suck.
They really do.

Nice ass, by the way.

Wait, hold on.
Maybe this comes off.

Uh, I don't know...

Yeah...

Thanks.

Um...

Right.
Oh, hold on, you might step on it, so...

Can I use your phone? Can I call it?
Yep.

I'll see it light up, and...

Thanks.

213, LA, really?

Yeah, why?

Whoa!

Wicked.

Oh, okay, uh...

Got it!

Oh, yes!

Thanks.

Yeah. Oh, ah...

You got some...

Oh, okay.

What?
Nothing.

Well, thank you.
Yeah.

You are a good Samaritan.

Is that yours?

This?

No, I just found it and I thought, it looked pretty cool.

So, you are a musician?

Yeah, I play the cello and I sing.

Cello and vocals!
I've never seen anyone do that. That's cool.

Well, if you come to the Ale House tomorrow

you could be the only person in Austin to see it.

I just played a show to a bartender.

Oh, that sucks.

I'd love to come.

Uh, that would be awesome.

Yeah. I, um...

I don't really have a car here, so I'm a little bit...

Oh, don't worry about it.

If you can't make it, totally fine, but call me because

I think I owe you
a thank-you drink.

Okay, did you wanna give me your, uh...

213, remember?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, 213.

Are you texting your boyfriend?

Mmm-hmm.

Tell him it's over.

Tell him you found a real man.

No, Ralphie.

That right there, that is a real man.

How you're related to him, I do not know.

Maybe your mom forgot to put in her diaphragm
while she was working the donkey show.

Yeah, ha-ha, ha-ha.

Go get me another drink, Eeyore.

You got it.

Whoo!

I can't believe you know how to do that.

Lessons for two years.

Ready for a drink?
Oh.

Um, sure.
Okay.

So, um, what made you decide
to take two-stepping lessons?

Well, not what, who.

Who?

Oh.
What?

My ex-wife.

Two Buds, please.
Oh!

Okay.

Yeah.

Could've used a little record
skipping sound effect right there.

No, no, no, no.
Not at all.

Not at all.

Divorce,

In fact, let's change it.
What about you?

Um...

What's your favorite
color? Purple?

Mine's... Personally,
I like tangerine.

Look, uh...
I feel like that's my color.

Oh, yeah.

Let's hear it for,

Poke-a-Hot-Ass.

- Quiet.
- Not cool.

And now,

Fuckasaurus Sex!

Fuckasaurus Sex!

I think we've got ourselves a winner!

So, sorry, honey.

You're going to the finals, man.

How do you feel?
How do you feel?

I feel fucking awesome right now.

Redge, did you get that?

Got that shit like Spielberg.

What the fuck even is this?

- What?
- Nothing.

Let me see?

I wanna see.

Get off my shit.

I wanna know.

I wanna know all your secrets.

Oh, God.

Confess them to me.

Confess them to you?
Yeah.

We can cry together

in a field.

Okay.
Like...

Okay.

You want to know what turns me on?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Doing bad things in public.

Yeah?
Yeah.

Yeah?
Yeah.

Take it out.
Okay.

What?

Take it out.

I don't know.

Mmm-hmm.

But all these people can see.

I know. It's what
gets me so wet.

I don't know.

Come on, Ralphie, show it to me.

Can I get it erect first?

Do you wanna have sex tonight or what?

Oh!

Hey! No, hey!

Hey!
Whoa. Thanks.

That's right! Man of the hour,
ladies and gentlemen.

Stan!

Stan, Stan, Stan.
What are you doing here?

I thought you'd be balls deep in Cathy by now.

Yeah, that's not gonna happen.

No, it's not gonna happen, is it, Stan?

Although it is a shame that you flew all the way to Texas

to stalk a girl who doesn't even wanna be stalked.

I didn't come here to stalk her.

No? You came here to see me.
That's amazing, Stan.

That's awesome. Hi!

Hold this, please.

Hello, ladies.

How you doing?

Hey, I just wanna say I thought
that you did absolutely incredible.

Whatever, Dinocock.
Fuck off.

Uh. I am not kidding.
I'm not kidding.

I'm just on our way out, so...

Oh, well, if we would have had
your candy-ass cheerleaders

on our side then maybe we would have.

Okay, can I speak with you for a second?

No, no.

Um, yeah.
No, no.

Okay.
Seriously?

Hey, nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Yeah, you, too.
Yeah. Okay.

How do you do it?

What?
How do you do the splits?

Oh! Um...

Drill team.
Drill team?

Yeah.
Okay.

Can you, um...
Can you teach me?

What?

Those teabags are looking at us.

Oh!

It's on, bro.

Oh, hell yeah, it's on, bro.

Is there something on my face?

No.

It's just beautiful.

Oh!

We don't need you all to be doing no pornos in here.

We are so sorry.

He might have had a few too many drinks this evening.

This is a family place.

We completely understand.

Nicely done, guys.

Oh, God. What?
Are you serious?
Perfect.

Deal's a deal.

Of course, I'm serious.
You know, I'm...

Come on, Timmy, you're not the boss of me.

Leave the girl alone.

All right, all right.
Let's go home.

All right. Whatever.
All right?

Yes.

No, no.
No, she said yes. Dude!

All right, out the door.

Ladies, we'll be outside.
This is...

Just let me go.
I know.

Are you...
That little weirdo's dick is fucking enormous.

I don't care if it's six feet long.

You're just gonna leave me here?

I'm leaving you with the "Midnight Cowboy".

And I am taking one for the team.

This isn't college anymore.

Pretend.

You are getting horny.

Very horny.

Have fun.

I will if you will.

Cool, bro.
All right, let him go.

Ah!

Hey.

Oh, God. Oh, my...

Bye, Katie.
I did this for you.

It's Cathy.

Where are they?

I don't see 'em and they were following us, right?

Jeff, they were following us, yeah?

They will be here.

Stan?
Hmm?

What are you doing?

Nothing.

My name is Stan.
I made a mistake and I want you back.

That was an excellent impersonation of me.

That was... It was like
looking in a mirror.

Here they come.

Here they come.
Yes.

It's all right.
Bring it on, ladies. Bring it in.

Come on, right here.

Maybe I wasn't even thinking about her just now, dude.

Maybe I was thinking about another girl.

Like, maybe a girl I met tonight.

I don't know, maybe she gave me her number.

Why are you just telling me this just now?

Well, suddenly you're interested.

Did you tell her that she had shit on her face?

No, she did that to me.

Are you kidding me?
Are you kidding me?

What are you doing here with your dick in your pants?

You should have your dick in her mouth, buddy.

Come on, this is good.

This is good.

I love this.

Very good.

I will take you...
Oh, yes. I will take you.

You wanna do that?
Okay, let's do...

Mule train?
No, I'm all right.

Okay, okay. Well...
No thanks.

Okay.

So, Stan,

there are four guys and three girls and
you have a phone number in your pocket.

I think you need to make a phone call.

Now...
You got a short window, buddy, you need to lay some track.

I don't...

Hello.
Ooh!

I don't... I think I'm just
gonna text, dude, right?

Probably texting is better at this stage 'cause,

you know...

Oh, I wish I had her email.

Ooh, I'm sorry.
That's been broken for a while.

Oh, yeah.

There's a 7-Eleven I could walk
you to to finish your business.

Come here.

I think that something is moving in there.

You should see the bathroom, totally gross.

What's she doing?

Ground. So that's it.

Whoa!

Whoa!

Dude, you can do it.

Absolutely.

All right.
Just need to breathe.

It does not look that hard.

Breathing, that's not gonna be an issue

I've been breathing since I was born.

Look. Already half way.

Half way to finals.

No!

That's final, right there.

That was incredible.

What?

What is that?

My God, that's a hairy python.

No, that's not a python.
That's a dick.

Oh, thank God.

So, this is you.

Yeah, this is...
This is me.

Good night.

Yes.
Yes.

Good night.
Yes.

Okay.

All right.

Okay, we're gonna do that one more time.
Yes.

Let me go ahead and give you my card.

Cool.
Give me a phone call, anytime.

You're a veterinarian?

I am a doctor of small animals.

Don't I look like one?

Oh, you absolutely do.

Yeah. Like, even
from that angle?

Oh, especially from that angle.

I'm a... I'm
in med school.

No kidding.
That's funny.
Yeah.

What made you become a vet?
That's funny.

I worked with dogs in the Marines.

Yeah. Bomb sniffing
dogs, just kinda...

Just like fell into it.

You were in the Marines?

Yeah, yeah. But the dogs started
making better conversations

than some of those jarheads I was working with.

Right.
So I had to get out of there as fast as I could.

So, that makes you like a...

A vet vet.

Yes.

Yes, it does.

Wow.

I had fun tonight.

Yeah, I did, too.

Well, let's do it again.

Thank you for the dance.

Thank you

for the dance.

Oh, come on, I don't hear anything.

Hey, guys.
How's it going?

You guys hear anything in there,
I don't think they're fucking.

Oh, hey, dude.

Hey, they're not fucking.

I didn't give up my room for you guys not to fuck.

Let's go.
It's just really gross here.

It's like so gross.

I can't get the keys because she's
got them in there with that creep.

Hey, I got brews here if you wanna...

No, I'm all right.
No, no, you have them.

What is it?

Is it real?

Is it from the internet?

I mean, have you seen a penis this big before?

Could you put that away, please?

Whoa!

If you don't get out of the
bedroom right now, we're leaving!

Hey, um...

Can I take you to breakfast in the morning?
What?

No, I wanna take you to my Saturday place.
Please, please, please.

I love talking to you so much so I just
want to keep this conversation going on.

Uh.
Please?

I'll think about it.
Okay.

Do you like migas?

Hey, beautiful, don't knock so hard.
Fuck off.

It was... So sorry.

Yeah. Oh, yeah,
I bet you're sorry.

I wanna get the fuck out of here.

Hey, honey, I think I see something on your face

Don't touch me!

What the fuck just happened?

I thought I got her wet...

I think she loved you.
I was clear on that.

Yeah, that was well played.

Yeah?

Captain fucker, you were only in there for seven minutes.

You're a badass.

Fuck!

Where are you going?

El Azteca.

El Azteca?

You wanna wait for me, man?

Mmm.
This is so good.

You cannot find migas like this in New York.

Ugh!

Why did you let me drink so much?

So, what happened with Ralphie?

We tried.

I threw up.

All over his face.

Oh, God, Kara.

And he actually wanted to keep going.

Can you believe that?

Puke all over his face and he's like,

"I don't mind."

You always get the normal ones.

Okay.

You ready?

For breakfast?
Yeah, I'm ready. Yeah.

Okay, yeah. Out.

My door doesn't open. Out.
Okay.

Okay.

Speaking of which, did you guys do it?

No.

Why not?
Because I'm not...

Like me?

I didn't say that.

Yeah, it's okay.
If it wasn't for sluts no one would get laid, right?

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

I want you to be the better person in this situation.
Don't touch my face.

No. What...
What situation?

He's here.

He just came through the door.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.
Be strong.

Is he alone?

Um...

I'm gonna go say hi to a friend over there.
Okay.

And I will be right back.

If I turn around and he is with some whore...
Just be strong, Kara.

- I swear I'll burn this fucking place to the ground.
- Okay, breathe.

Breathe.

He's coming over.

Hey!
Take the knives.

Put them in your purse.

Oh, my God!

Hey!
Whoa!

Jeff!
Crazy!

So good to see you.

Hello, Kara.

Oh, well.

Hey there.
What a surprise.

Yeah!

How are you?
So good.

I'm so good.

Yeah, how you doing?

I'm never been better.

Yeah.

'Cause you look so good.

Thank you. So do you.

Thank you.

Especially in that video last night.

Oh!
Yeah, very impressive.

Yes. Well, I'm going
to the finals.

Oh!
Wow!

I know.
Congratulations.

And I see you've taken up photography.

That's great.

Mmm-hmm. Yeah, sure have.

What did you think?

I loved it. Great composition, just
really good lighting all around.

It was really nice work.

Although I notice he's not here to buy you breakfast.

That's not too classy.

No, no.

But I think it's really classy
that you've bought breakfast

for the little she-whore that
you slept with last night.

Yeah.

She's the best.

Yeah. You know,
she looks really familiar.

She really looks like someone that I know.

Yes.

Oh!

I know who. Me!

Oh, okay.

You're right.

I mean, it's...

It's really kinda true.
I'm sorry.

Kinda pathetic, Jeff.

Kind of Vertigo.

You gonna dress her up in my clothes, too?

No, I would never do that.

I don't even like your clothes.

So...

Well, we know my guy didn't look like you.

At least not downstairs.

You guys have a good breakfast.

That was so good.

I'm so proud of you.

Oh, fuck.
What?

Ow!

God, she even looks like me.

No, she really doesn't.

Oh, I see.

Hey, don't go in there.
Hey, really don't go inside, please.

I will kill you!

Do you understand?
Oh, my God.

I will fuck you up.

He's gone. He's gone.

He's gone.
He's gone.

Oh, you got a...

You got a chip.

Take your phone out.

What?

Take your phone out.
Take your phone out.
Why?

Okay.

Pull up Cathy's number.

Got it?

Yeah.

Delete on three.

One.

Two.

Three.

You know what, that...

I think that actually feels good.

You okay?

She drinks my cum, man.

She actually likes it.

Where am I gonna find somebody
who's that cool ever again?

It's...

No. Yeah, that's
really cool of her.

Yep. Okay. We're moving on.

We're moving on up,
like the mother-fucking

Jeffersons.

Okay, men.

Yeah, let's get fucked up.

We are not leaving this apartment

till we come up with an air sex
routine that is so depraved

and so sick that we will be ashamed
to look our own mothers in the eye

for another year.

Maybe this is a coincidence,
but I was just sitting here thinking,

"What am I gonna do
for dinner tonight?"

That sounds like fate to me.

Well, I was probably just gonna
microwave this gas station burrito.

Setting the timer now, but I'm
thinking between the two of us,

we could come up with something better than that, right?

Right.
I'll come by around eight, okay?

Okay, bye.

Oh, my God.

Oh, that voice.

I may have to wring out my panties.

Kara, what am I doing?

What do you mean?
You're moving on up,

like the mother-fucking
Jeffersons.

Okay, guys, you know what we're gonna do tonight?

What we're gonna do is we're gonna break free.

We're gonna break free from their petty needling.

We're gonna break free from their
impossibly high expectations,

and their fucking harassment

about what lamp is gonna look better in that corner.

Fuck that corner.

Fuck that corner.
Guys, I really need you on my team

and I feel great about tonight.
Can we do this together?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Stan, am I bothering you?
Nope.

Who are you texting?
Nobody.

Hey!
Is it someone with a vagina?

Nope. Let's do this.

Let's fuck the air.

Yeah, you must fuck the air.

You must fuck the air!

You must fuck the air!

You are a miracle worker.

Mmm-hmm.
I've got boobs.

Normally, it's just like two

sensitive freckles.

Ooh! I'll get it.

Help! Help!
Oh, what?

Now, listen, okay.

Be careful.
Careful?

Yeah, if his dick is as big as his brother's,

you will be coming home in a hospital gurney.

Oh, that sounds fun.

Okay, I put condoms in your bag.
Kara!

What? Don't be
afraid to say yes.

No, no. I'm going
home tomorrow.

I can't leave you alone tonight.

Who says I'm gonna be alone?

Not Ralphie?

No, barf-boy, are you fucking kidding me?

- Hello. Welcome.
- Hello. Thank you.

Come in. Come in. O-M-G.

Hi. How you doing?
He brought flowers.
Are you from this century?

You totally didn't need to do this.

See, I did bring flowers, but they're
not for you, they're for you.

I'm sorry. I would have got
you flowers, but I didn't.

Oh, um...

It's not funny.
No, it is.

Yeah. He had a moment
the other night,

but he's a real sweet guy.
What?

Right.

Okay!
Bye.

Bye-bye.

All right. All right.
You ready to go?

Bye, Kara.

Be safe.

Yes. Yes.
We will. We will.

Good night.
Goodbye.

Ugh!

So, the Marines...

That's...

Yeah.
Yeah.

So, um...

Did you ever...

Go to war, shoot someone, get stabbed?

Oh, does everybody ask you that?

All the time. Yeah.

So sorry.

You should be.

So, did you?

You didn't notice my wooden leg?

No, I took some shrapnel

to the shoulder.

Wall exploded and piece of pipe lodged in there.

Had to cut it out.

Oh, my God!

Yeah.

It sounds worse than it was but...

Can I see it?

Like, now?

Yeah.

Seriously?
Absolutely.

I... We were, um...

We're studying

wound care in class right now

and it would be highly, highly educational.

I think they're gonna let us in.

Okay, people.

The air sex finals are beyond sold out.

So,

we're gonna seat the finalists and their guests first.

So, when I call your name you can go on in.

Uh, Hugh G. Rection.

Pussy Juice Cocktail.

I'm a little worried 'cause they've got vaginas,

and that always gives you the upper hand.

Nazi Assfucker.

You know that girl I met here, uh,

she's playing a show nearby.
She's been texting me.

- Fuckasaurus Rex!
- So?

Fuckasaurus Sex!

Okay, whatever. Go.

Insane Clown Pussy.

So, you're gonna bail on me again.

Look, I'm not bailing on you...
Yeah, you are.

Donni Darkhole.

I'm going to hang out with a girl.

Isn't that what you want me to do

this weekend, right?
Isn't that the whole...

Yeah.
You really need me here for this?

You're right.
Go, go. Yeah.

Fuck her in the butt.
Okay, so you're going to hold this against me, really?

Why is it so important to you?

Yeah, because everything in my life is
going so incredibly right now, dude.

I'm fucking sleeping on a couch

and driving around in a corpse.

I'm sorry I'm not in Beverly Hills
making my dreams come true.

Making my... Right.
I'm fucking working at a pizza parlor in Pasadena.

So, then you went out there
for no reason. That's...

I moved, dude.

I don't know why you're taking it so personally.

Because ever since you broke up with Cathy,

you broke us all up.
Things have never been the same between me and Kara...

That's my fault?
...since you left.

Dude, I'm responsible for my own
fucked up relationships, not yours.

Right, okay.

What about your fucked up friendships?

You know, and another...
If this is all, like weird for you, it makes...

You know, you don't approve of this, you can ignore me.

'Cause you're fucking awesome at it.

Take the booty call, Stan.
Kara?

What... What is this?
What are you doing here?

Go to the show, Stan.

Where's Cathy?

She's out.

What do you mean?
Like with somebody?

She's moving on, Stan.

All right? You should go
and do the same thing.

But...

Oh, shit.

Okay.
I know this.

512...

7...

Fuck!

So...

Gonna have to unbutton my shirt, doctor.

Oh, no.

All right, there you, there you go.

Oh!

May I?

You're the doctor.

Very nice.
Hmm.

Very nice.

You know, I have a pretty good one myself.

You're damn well gonna show it to me.

Now, I'm gonna have to

lift up my skirt.
No.

Yeah.
Don't you dare.

Don't you...
Lift up...

Okay, okay.

That is...

A beauty.
That's...

Yeah.

Softball.
Hmm.

Junior year.

I bumped into the ball machine while it was spinning

and...

Damn, girl! Hmm.
Yeah.

Um...

Uh, looks like it healed up pretty good, though.

Yeah!
Now.

Who's next?
Let's see who's next here.

We got...

Fuckasaurus Sex!

Welcome back, young man. Welcome back.

You got anything to say before you get started, Sex?

I do, yeah. Uh, this one is also
dedicated to my ex-girlfriend,

uh, Kara, who's a bitch.

And this is about fucking her
pussy, or as I like to call it,

"Visiting Carlsbad camp."

Ho! Let's go!

Hello!

Biggest pussy in the world!

Paintings on the wall.

How deep is it in there?

I'm in a horrible place!

- Are you?
- Oh, shit.

Are you gonna go up?
Uh, no, I'm just making a phone call.

Can you make it outside so that we could...
Yeah, yeah.

Thanks.

Justine's?

Yeah, have you been here before?

Uh, yeah.

Uh, a long time ago.

It's pretty great, isn't it?

Yeah.

♪ Oh, I know I've been a menace

♪ Oh, I know I've been a trial

♪ And you've washed your hands of love

♪ But I made a Bible promise

♪ Cross my heart and hope to die

♪ Till all is blue

♪ I'll be here waiting, honey

What will it be, stumbles?

Uh, just a water.
All right.

♪ So come on

♪ Answer

♪ Why don't you answer?
Answer

♪ There's a summer on

♪ And it's pulling up the wallpaper

♪ With its wicked drone

♪ And I could sit here with

♪ With just a sliver of your taffeta

♪ But that is not enough

♪ Oh

♪ I'm screaming at your door

♪ So come on

♪ Answer

♪ Why don't you answer?
Answer

♪ Oh, my love

♪ I will forever, oh

♪ So little

♪ Withholder

♪ Why don't you answer?
Answer ♪

Thank you.

This,

you don't wanna know what this stuff
is made out of, I assure you, but...

You know, can you actually give me one quick second?

- Of course.
- Okay.

Oh, you were fucking incredible!

Like, I don't even know how to put it into words.

I would need so many different adjectives.

I would need a whole new combo adjective.

Like you're
fantasi-spectacul-awesome?

That comes close.
That was good.

Well, it's very nice of you to say that.

Oh, yeah, of course.
I don't wanna lose my good Samaritan status.

Very sweet of you.

Hey, do you wanna smoke?

Oh, uh, no, no, I'm fine.

Okay.
But go ahead.

Yeah?
Yeah, yeah.
No, I like the smell.

I'll be your look out.

Thank you.

I think everyone else on this street is stoned,

so you're in good company.

Sorry.

Go ahead, take it.

Oh, no, no.
That's okay.

You sure?
Yeah.

Okay.

Actually, you know, is there any left?
Yeah.

Yeah, thanks.
Go ahead.

I'll be your look out.

Oh.

Whoa! Man, slow down,
funky town. You okay?

Good, I'm good.

Hugh G. Rection, that's enough,
thank you very, very much.

Whoa!
Man down.

Man down.

That was a very admirable effort, ladies and gentlemen.

But perhaps we learned that being
intoxicated isn't enough.

You've also gotta have a story.

Don't come up on this stage without a story, folks.

That's what we wanna see, all right?

Who's up next?
Who's up next?

Let me see.

Oh, oh, dirty lady, you can't come up here.

Get the fuck off the stage, you bag lady!

Shit, really?

Ooh, this is highly unusual, but...

Fuck it. I make the rules
as we go anyway.

And this is too good to pass up.

We got another performer, folks!

You didn't fucking qualify, bitch! Get down.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you,

the one and hopefully only,

"Jeff Brown eats his own boogers and I should know

"because I used to live
with the fucking loser."

You got anything to say up top?

Yeah. My real name
is Kara Jenkins.

And uh, this is my interpretation of
what's it like to have sex with a penis

the size of a toothpick.

This is gonna be exciting, folks.

Hit it!

Oh, no, ma'am.
What?

So then, you've, so you've performed...

Well, in a living room, I did, yeah.
Oh, gosh.

That's terrifying.

Are you sure you're okay?
Great, yeah.

Um...

So are you, uh...

Like, on a label?
No, not yet.

Wait, that's dumb, you know.

I don't know, you just seem so, you're so good.

Thank you.

Well, I've come close a few times and...

Recently, a few very influential nerds on the internet

have written about me, so...

Wow, do you have a pretty big
internet footprint, would you say?

Um...
What if I googled you right now?

What would I find?

I don't know.

What was the song that you, um...

Oh, I haven't put that one.

I haven't put that up yet.

Shit!

- What's up?
- Is that pretty strong?

Uh, stuff that we...
That we smoked?
Um...

- Not really.
- I'm spinning.

You're spinning?
Yep.

I think we should probably lie down.

Oh, okay.

Here we go.

Um...

No, that's okay.

That's... that's okay.
I'm, um...

Oh, God.

No, no.
Oh!

Ah, shit.
Why did I smoke?
I never smoke.

I don't know, why did you?

You looked so cool doing it, and...

I'm an idiot, I think.

It's okay.

You are also very cute.
Yeah, so are you.

You know, I'm still spinning.

So, I can't even...

Don't, don't.
There's like three of you.

Just talk about normal stuff.
Okay.

Yeah, I'm normal.

So, what about you?
What is your thing, what do you do?

Uh, writing...
Sitcom.

Really?
Where can I see it?

No, you can't.
It's, uh...

Too weird, but still trying and I'm doing

a restaurant job in LA like everybody else there.

LA, huh?

Mr. 213, it all makes sense now.
Yeah.

What part of town do you live in?

Glendale.
I live in Los Feliz.

The eastsiders.
Yes.

Anything west to the 101 sort
of makes me wanna kill myself.

Okay, yeah, laughing hurts actually, that's...
Oh, no.

Well, if we can't laugh and you can't look at me,

what else do we have to do here?

Oh, shit. Haley,
I have to, uh...

Tell you about something, um...

Your phone?

There's a voicemail on here
from my ex-girlfriend.

And I don't know what it says.

Maybe she wants to get back together
or maybe she's telling me to fuck off.

Because, I, um...

I came here on a day's notice,

'cause I found out that she was coming.

But then I met you, and...

It has been

awesome, but I just, just, if
I don't listen to it, I'm...

You should listen to it.

Thank you for coming tonight.

And...
I'm sorry.

Don't worry about it.
Good luck with the lady.

Are you gonna be okay?

Yeah, I'll be fine.

And now...

Booger! That's it.

And now, Saurus Sex.

Oh, yeah.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Booger!
Saurus!

Ladies and gentlemen, I think we got a tie.

It's a fuck-off.

Yeah!

All right, all right.
Yeah.

Y'all know the rules.
In a fuck-off,

there are no rules, except, no touching.

Keep the sex in the air, not the genitals!

Music, please.

Yeah!

Oh, shit!

What are you doing?
No touching.

It's a violation!
Break it up. Break it up.

Hi, Stan.

Wow, um...

I haven't said those words in months.

Um...

I was just calling, because, um...

Because, um...

I'm sorry, I'm...

I'm so sorry.
I'm, I'm being an idiot.

Okay, um...

Thank you for dinner.

Absolutely.

Okay.

Well, have a good night.

You, too.

Mmm... Wait.

Oh, one second.
Are you kidding me?

Oh, it's Cathy.
Are you kidding me?

Hey, girl, what's up?

I ruined the date.
I... I ruined it!

I just, just...

Obliterated it!

I dropped the toast and I started crying.

And he took me to Justine's.
Justine's of all places!

Oh, my God, he took you to Justine's.

He must've really wanted to fuck you.

Who cares who wants to fuck Cathy?

Cathy, I'm leaking into my pants right now.
Put a cork in it, asshole.

Wait, is that Jeff?
What's going on?

- Are you guys back together?
- Maybe.

Oh, my God.

- He's calling me.
- Who, Tim?

No, no, it's Stan.

Stan's calling you?
Oh, that fucking loser.

Oh, shit.
Not now, dude.

Look, you're right, I'm sorry.
I bailed on you tonight.

I bailed on you the last six months.
I don't care if you do

slam poetry, I don't care if you air sex.

Awesome, awesome.
Great, dude, I'm stoked.

Listen, I need a favor.
What?

I need you to apologize to Cathy, tell her you love her.

Make up with her, move back to
Austin and have little Stanleys.

I don't care, but you gotta get her
off the phone with my girlfriend,

because she's blocking me from
getting the pussy that I deserve.

- Deserve?
- Shut up.

Fuck you!
Shut up!

Wait, she's on the phone with Kara, right now?

Wait, who's Jeff talking to?

Who do you think?

You know, just talk to each other.

Guys, talk.
Use your words, please, go.

Okay, seriously?

Look, you guys either belong together or you don't,

but this wishy-washy-in-between
shit has gotta go.

Actually, Stan, I know
what you should do. Listen,

there's edible underwear in the
medicine cabinet at Redge's house.

The red ones taste terrible, but the other...
How do you know that?

Because, we were stoned and we had no food

Just shut up, shut up.
Or...

Forgive each other for ruining a great relationship

and move on.
Either way we love you.

Stan, for bailing on me because I
was incredible on stage tonight.

Oh, I fucking destroyed you!
Everybody knows that...

It's not that kind of cab, guys.

Hi.

Hey.

Look out.

Are you okay?

Is my penis, really, really that small?

Honestly?

I love it.

And what about

my cavern?

It's like a little child's.

Better not know what that fucking feels like, you pedo.

I was complimenting your vagina.

I said a nice thing.

You hit me in the fucking ear with a chip.

Hey.

Good to see you, Cathy.
Oh.

Bye, Jeff.

Ah, you called a cab?
Just give me two minutes, I can take you.

No, no, I, uh, heard you, um...

Using the microwave this morning.

And I didn't wanna bug.

So, did you guys talk?

Um, no.

Nope, we did not.

Then why are you smiling?
We did not talk at all.

Oh!

Fuck, yes!

Mmm.
What?

Oh!

Oh, shit!
I'm so sore.

Oh, that's my girl.
I'm so sore.

Yeah.

You called a cab?

Yeah, I didn't know if I was gonna see you.

- I'm sorry, dude.
- Oh, don't. It's no problem.

I'm actually very surprised to
see you in pants this early.

Pants.

Did you call her?

No.
No?

Why are you glowing?
What?

Why are you so happy?

Why are you happy?
What happened last night, huh?

Did you call that new girl?

Did you have sex with that new girl?

Did you fuck that new girl?
Oh, we made love

and it was so sweet.

Dude, she's such a good cuddler.
What are you doing?

We talked for hours.
Get off me!
You're not doing it right.

That's not the way you do that.
Get rid of the cab,

I'm driving you to the airport, Jesus Christ!

Hey, listen man, can I just give you ten bucks?