All language subtitles for Highway to Heaven S04E06 Playing For Keeps.eng

[opening theme music playing]

[intercom buzzes]

Yeah?

Jackie Clark's here to see you,
Mr. Conrad.

Send him right in.

Jackie, come in.

It's good to see you.

I got a joke for you, Ben.

Oh, you shouldn't smoke these.
They're terrible for you.

Now, this guy from Buffalo,

he saves up his whole life
so he can take the missus
to Hawaii.

They fly to Oahu.

They lie in the sun,
have some Mai Tais,

do the hula, grass skirts,
the whole thing.

Time of their lives.

Now, the next thing you know,

this guy takes a dip,

has a heart attack, and drowns.

Finished. Kaput.

Now, the wife flies him back,

takes him to a funeral home.

The mortician dresses him up
in his finest blue suit.

Now, at the funeral,
the guy's best friend comes in,

takes a look at the open casket

and goes over
to pay his respects
to the missus.

He says, "Cecile,
John looks terrific."

And she said, "He should.

He just got back from Hawaii."

That's a new one.

Why, of course it's new,
I'm always working new things
into the act.

Well, what's the scoop?
Got any jobs?

Not yet, Jackie.

Well, of course,

helps to have an agent
booking his acts,

so we can try in
all this great new material.

I'm trying, Jackie,
I'm on the phone
all day for you.

I know that, Ben.

Have you called Vegas?

Ah, they're booked
18 months ahead.

I headlined at the Sans.
Now I can't even
get arrested there.

What about Atlantic City?

There's nothing right now,
Jackie. I'm sorry.

Who wants to go to New Jersey?

The weather's terrible.

[Ben laughs]

What's the matter, Ben?

People don't want
to laugh anymore?

You gotta
hang in there, Jackie.

Things will turn around.

[intercom buzzes]

Yeah?

A Mr. Jonathan Smith
on line two, Mr. Conrad.

Ben Conrad.

Of course he's still around.

He's standing right here,
in front of me.

Tell them I'm available.

Yeah. Yeah, go ahead.

Yeah.

I've got it.

Right.

I'll give him the information.

Thank you, Mr. Smith.

When you said things
would turn around,
you weren't kidding.

The guy who called
is a theater director
named Jonathan Smith.

Smith? Never heard of him.

-Well, anyway--
-Ziegfeld, Minnelli,

-them I've worked with.
-Jackie, will you listen to me
for a second?

He's very interested
in seeing you

for the lead role
in a play he's directing
down at center stage.

A play?

Oh, forget it.

Why?

Well, I'm a comedian, Ben.
I'm not an actor.

Hey, George Burns
was a comedian.

He won an Academy Award.

[Mark] I cannot believe
you're directing a play.

I thought angels were people
who invested in plays,
not directed them.

[Jonathan] Well, first time
for everything, Mark.

What's the name of the play,
Heaven can wait?

[laughs heartily] That's cute.

-Miss Stevens?
-Yes.

I'm Jonathan Smith.

Oh, thank God, you've arrived.

This is Mark Gordon,
my set and costume designer.

How do you do?
Nice to meet you.
Why don't you have a seat?

Thank you.

Jonathan, I'm desperate.

My last director got hired
to do a Broadway musical.

I don't have a cast.

And the theater's in the red.
If this play isn't a hit,

I'm in big trouble.

Well, we've already got
some actors in mind.

Ah, I need somebody
with box office clout.

We've got to pull in
an audience.

What about Rhett Clark?

Rhett Clark?

The movie star?

The one who did
Poor Little Rich Kid?

That's the one,
what do you think?

Can you get him?

[Jonathan] All I can do is try.

If you could get Rhett Clark,
that would be incredible.

Tell her who you called
to play the father.

Jackie Clark.

Who's Jackie Clark?

He was a big name
before your time.

But he's also
Rhett Clark's father.

Well, if you can get
Rhett Clark,

I don't care
who plays the father.

[indistinct chatter]

Rhett, you
are the hottest young actor
in Hollywood.

Everybody wants
to do a movie with you.

Yeah, I know that, Gary.
I know.

You keep telling me.

So, what's next?

Well, international film corps

is waving big money
in front of us.

They want to sign you
to an exclusive
three-picture deal,

and I think you should do it.

Yeah, okay.
I'll think about it.

[Jonathan] Excuse me.

Rhett Clark?

Yeah.

Rhett, you know this guy?

Never saw him before.

My name's Jonathan Smith.

I'm directing a play,
here in Hollywood,

and I was hoping
you'd take a look
at the script.

Excuse me.

Mr. Clark accepts
script submissions
only through his agent.

Hey, you're Gary Sherman,
aren't you?

Uh, yeah. That's right.

Well, you're Rhett's agent,
so why don't you submit this
to your client?

He's sitting
at the table next to you.

Look, old man,
I'm booked solid right now.

I don't have time to do a play.

Sorry.

It'd only take you
a couple of hours to read it.

I think
it might change your mind.

Look, Rhett is extremely busy.

You'll have to excuse us.

Then I'm sorry
for interrupting you,

but this happens
to be a great part for Rhett.

It's a play about a man
and his son who never got
to know each other.

Look, Smith,
20 unknown hacks a day

barge in here trying
to shove scripts at Rhett.

Now, we're not interested.

It's a shame.

I was hoping to get your father
to act in the play with you.

My father?

Rhett, we're talking
a three-pic deal.

You can't even consider
doing a play.

Hang on a minute, Gary.

Did my father say
that he was interested
in doing this play?

No, not yet.
But I have a feeling he would
if you do it with him.

I'll take a look at it.

Okay.

I'll get back to you.

Rhett, are you crazy?

I've got a million-dollar deal
in the offering,

and you're thinking about
doing some play
at a rinky-dink theater?

Gary, this is my career.

I hire you to work for me.

You remember that.

Mr. Clark, if you have
any questions, you can reach me
at the center stage theater.

The number's right there
on the script.

You have a nice lunch.

Rhett.

Oh, Rhett?

[sighs]

When I was a kid,

you were never home.

I was working.

I had a family to feed.

You know,
it would have been nice

to sit down to dinner
like a family once in a while.

Sure, it would have been nice.

But there
wouldn't have been food
on the table

if I wasn't out there,
on the road, working.

Sure you were.

And what's
that supposed to mean?

It means you liked it
on the road.

You liked being
with your friends more
than you did your own family.

I did it because
that's what I had to do.

And I did it the best way.

Thank you very much, gentlemen.

We'll be in touch
as soon as we make a decision.

That's it. No more auditions
for today.

How you doing?

-Hey, Rhett, good to see you.
-Yeah.

Rhett, this is Margo Stevens,
artistic director
of the theater.

It is a pleasure to meet you.

[Rhett] Nice meeting you.

Get a chance to read the play?

Yeah. Yeah, I did.

It's great.

Reminds me a lot
of me and my old man.

Oh, please tell me
that you came here to say
that you'll do it.

Yeah. Yeah, I'll do it.

Only one thing.

[Margo] You name it.

I'm only gonna do the play
if my dad does it with me.

Oh, I'm afraid your father
turned the role down today.

Well, that's before he knew
I was gonna be in it.

I don't understand
why you turned down the play.

You read it, you liked it.

I can't do a play
in this town, Ben.

Why not?

Why not, he asks.

I do a play, and it looks like
I'm not working.

But you're not working.

Listen, Mr. brilliant Ben
who can't get me a job,

now all of sudden I show up
in a play in some theater

that looks like
a condemned building,

and everybody
in Hollywood's saying

"Jackie's Clark's career
is in the gutter."

Now, will you forget it?

Anything else, boys?

Yeah, Julie,
give my grandfather the check,

and me, your phone number.

You'll have to settle
for the check.

Jackie, it's work.

Ben, I don't want to work.

Why do you think
I became a comedian?

Okay. Goodbye.

No. Give me that.

-Jackie, I'm paying the check.
-No. No, you don't.

No. No,
we'll split the check in half.

You get the half
with the amount due.

Jackie, you're nuts.

You're crazy, bananas, nuts.

Never could do that trick.

[Ben laughs]

The lobby's full of people.

Go get a few more,
we'll play some cards.

Hi, dad.

Would you look at this? Rhett.

Would you look at this.

A year I haven't seen him,
and he gives me a handshake.

Give me a kiss on the lips.

What's the matter,
you're embarrassed?

Rhett, you know Ben Conrad.

Of course he knows me.
How are you, Rhett?

How is he?

Well, he's a star.
He takes after his old man.

I saw your last picture, Rhett.
You were terrific.

-Thanks, Ben.
-Oh, what's terrific?

That's not acting.
The kid's a looker.

The camera loves a pretty face.

-Takes after his mother.
-Oh, come on, dad.

Dad, I'd like you
to meet two friends of mine.

Jonathan Smith
and Mark Gordon.

Pleasure to meet you,
Mr. Clark.

One of your biggest fans.

Jonathan Smith, the director?

Yeah, I'm afraid that's me.

I figured Mr. Clark
could turn me down
on the phone,

but he wouldn't do it
in person.

You all know each other?

Sure, dad. I'm gonna be doing
a play down at center stage
with Jonathan and Mark.

You, in a play?

Yup. I figure it's time
to branch out.

You know I've been doing movies
for a while, and I'd like
to try some theater.

You mean, you and me almost was
in a play together?

Dad, we still can.

What do you say, pop, huh?

It'll be a gas.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, but I... no, I can't.

No, I'm booked into a big club.

Couldn't you
postpone the club date?

It's not a problem, Jackie.
I can reschedule it.

Sure would be something.

Two generations of the Clarks
on stage together, same time.

Come on, dad.
We're gonna knock 'em dead.

Well, I don't know.
This play's kinda serious.
There's not a lot of yuks.

Mr. Clark,
if you could do comedy,
you could do anything.

You'd be great in it,
believe me.

And the check's
in the mail, huh?

Of course,
how often does a father and son
get a chance

to work together
in this business?

So then you'll do it?

I'll do it.

Listen, dad,
I got to run right now,

but I'll see you
tomorrow afternoon
at rehearsal, okay?

I'll see you.

Probably got a hot date.

How are you feeling, dad?

If I was feeling any good,
would I be in here?

Dad, that's not the line.

What dad are you talking to,

the one in the play
or the real one?

Both.

Are you trying to tell me
how to say my lines?

Jackie. Rhett's right.
The line's not in the play.

Well, of course it's not
in the play. I ad-libbed it.

Well, you can't ad-lib
in a play.

Jackie Clark can't ad-lib?

I'm the greatest ad-lib guy
in the business.

You don't make it in comedy
if you don't ad-lib.

Dad, this isn't a comedy.
It's a drama.

Well, that's the problem.
It's not funny.

Look, Jackie, let's take it
from the top,

without the ad-libs, okay?

Okay. You're the director.

Hey, Mark.

When are we gonna
get the costumes?

I can't be dressed like this.

I mean,
what if people should laugh?

God forbid people
should chuckle.

Oh, listen now, Jackie,
we'll have the costumes today.

Okay, Jackie, come in.

Okay. Ready.

Did I ever tell you
about my husband?

Gilbert was a very jealous man.

He was jealous of my looks.

He figured anybody
who looked like this
had to stay faithful.

Oh, that's funny.

Jackie, come on,
what are you doing?

What am I doing?
I'm, Aunt Jackie.

She's the most
popular character in my act.

We're not doing your act, dad.

In case you haven't noticed,
we're doing a play here.

When people pay $20
to see Jackie Clark,

they want Aunt Jackie.

Hey, will you get it
through your head?

They're paying to see
somebody else besides you
up here.

Look, if you want to do it
with a dress and a wig?

Fine, but I'm out of here.

Kid has no sense of humor.

It's always been like this.

Couldn't get his own way,
he storms out of the room.

Then why don't we call it
a day?

We'll pick up again tomorrow
when everybody's fresh.

Okay.

[knock at door]

Hey, mind if we come in?

You're in, aren't you?

Your father here
is quite a character,
isn't he?

Yeah. He's a character,
all right.

Never been much of a father,

but he's a character.

You know,
when I was growing up,

we never had talks.
Dad just did his routines.

Mom and I watched.

If I had a problem,

I had to talk to Aunt Jackie,

never my father.

Come on,
that's all in the past.

In the past?

He's pulling the same garbage.

Come on, man.

You saw what he did.
You were there.

All right, I saw what he did.

Look, you're a successful actor
now, yourself.

I think it's a little hard
for your father to take.

Come on, why don't you
relax a little? Don't let him
get to you so much.

He gets to me.

What can I say? He's a clown.

Don't you think
you're being a little hard
on him?

Look, what are you in here
talking to me for?

Why aren't you
setting him straight?

Hey, I intend to talk to him.

He's just a little nervous now.
That's all.

Try obnoxious.

Come, on, look, it's the first
dramatic play your father's
ever been in.

It's just gonna take him
some time to get into it.

By putting on a dress?

I'll take care of your dad.
I promise you.

Meanwhile, I have to know
I can I count on you,

I got people lining up
to see this play. I want it
to be a great one.

You know why people
are lining up to see this show?

To see me, Rhett Clark,

not some washed-up old comedian
who dresses up like a woman.

No business like show business.

Come on in.

Have a seat.

Can I get you some coffee,
Ms. Stevens?

-No, thank you.
-Tea?

-No, nothing.
-I have herbal,

mandarin orange,
cinnamon spice.

I'm fine.

What was it you wanted
to talk to me about?

Well, I understand
that you're sold out
for the run of the show.

Oh, yes. Audiences
are very interested
in seeing Rhett.

Sure, they are. He's terrific.

And because it is Rhett
that's selling your tickets,

we've decided that we'd like
to change the billing

on all the TV, the radio,
and the print ads,
and on the marquee.

We want Rhett's name alone.

Above the title.

Well, you were the one
that insisted on equal billing
for your father.

It's not negotiable,
Ms. Stevens.

[Gary] I'm sorry, but if Rhett
doesn't get top billing,

he'll have no recourse
but to leave the show.

Here you go.

-Thank you, sir.
-You bet.

Ah, Jonathan, this is living.

Yeah, you like this, huh?

I like it. Are you kidding?
What's not to like?

Got room service, maid service,
wakeup service.

I mean, this is service.

What are we watching?

It's Rhett.

Oh, Jon, give me a break,
will you?

I mean, can't we watch
somebody else in something
for a change?

Let me just watch
this interview. He's supposed
to be on with Jackie.

He's gonna promote the play
a little bit.

I'm here with Rhett Clark,

one of the fastest rising stars
in Hollywood.

-Hi, Rhett.
-Hi, Katy.

Rhett, your last film
has been a tremendous success.

-Thank you.
-Now,

tell us about
your next project.

Well, Katy, I'm gonna be
doing a play down
at the center stage theater.

It's called Final Passage.

That's great.

And you're playing
the lead, correct?

That's right.

Now, I understand your father,

the comedian Jackie Clark,
is in the play, too.

Yeah, my dad's in it with me.

Well, we're sorry
that he couldn't come
with you on the show today.

Yeah. Me, too.

And I asked him to come,
but he couldn't make it.

I see.

I thought Jackie was supposed
to be on the show.

He was.

Rhett lied. He never told him
about the interview.

What are you doing?

I'm putting up a sign.
What does it look like
I'm doing?

I gave up Vegas
to be humiliated
like this?

What's the matter, Mr. Clark?

What's the matter she asks.
Somebody decided to put
my son's name above mine.

That's what's the matter.

-Yes, I did.
-Without consulting me first?

I'm afraid I hadn't
much of a choice.

Rhett and his agent insisted
that he get top billing.

It wasn't negotiable.

If I didn't give it to him,
he threatened
to leave the play.

Mr. Hotshot did this?

My own son?

Well, fine.
Let him have top billing.

Let him do the play by himself.

Don't be taking this thing on
any joyrides to impress
your girlfriend. Okay, pal?

Yeah, I'll try
and fight off the temptation.

Rhett, you've got
to work the room.

Work the room.
Everybody here wants
to do business with us.

Gary, I don't want to do
any business today.
I want to party.

Oh, come on, it's easy.
You smile, you say hello,

you pretend like
you're listening to everything
they're saying

and then you tell them,
"Talk to my agent."

Rhett!

I want to talk to you
for a minute, alone,
if you don't mind.

Jonathan, could we get back
to you?

Gary, old buddy,
why don't we get a bite
to eat together?

Why don't we go outside,
and then we'll talk.

Okay, Smith, what do you
want to talk about now?

I want to know
what you were trying to prove

by putting your name
over your father's
on the marquee.

Wasn't my idea,
it was my agent's.

Come on, you expect me
to believe that?

Gary works for you, remember?

I don't care
whether you believe it
or not.

Look, I'm bigger box office
than he is, right?

My name deserves to be
above the titles.

Yeah, what about your father,
doesn't he deserve
a little respect?

Respect's a two-way street.

Where's mine from him?

Come on,
your father respects you.

Get off it.
I get 50 letters a day
from my fan club.

I hear from him
maybe once a year.

And how many times
do you go to see him a year?

Come on, how many times
do you go see him?

You know, he told me
the only time he gets
to see you

is when you have a film opening
and then he pays his money
to see you.

Okay. So I'm busy.

Oh, I thought
it was a two-way street.

Yeah, well,
now he's gonna respect me,

'cause I got my name
up in lights over his.

Do you really believe
that having your name
in bright lights

is what makes people
respect you?

That's the name of the game
in this business.

We're not talking
about business. We're talking
about your father.

Well, now he'll respect me.

'Cause I'm more successful
than he is,

and he can't stand it.

What is all this
to you anyway, huh?

Your father said
he won't do the play
unless he gets equal billing,

and I don't blame him.

So? He'll go do his dumb act
in Vegas.

No great loss.

You really don't know him,
do you?

I know him...

inside and out.

Oh, no, you don't.

If you did, you'd know
there's no Las Vegas,

there's no Atlantic City,
there are no club dates.

Your father
hasn't had a job offer
in over six months.

What?

This play is the first work
that he's had in half a year,

a chance for him to do
what he loves the most,
be back on stage again.

God, don't take that away
from him.

What are you doing out here?

Come on. Syd Ross has a deal
you won't believe.

Hey! I am talking Syd Ross.
Come on, Rhett.

Hi, dad.

Aren't you too important
to be talking to me?

Listen...

I heard about the club dates
in Vegas.

I'm sorry.

Well, what about 'em?

You know
what I'm talking about.

Who told you, Ben?

No, dad. Ben didn't tell me.

Well, who?

It doesn't matter who told me.

You should've told me.

You never ask.

I ask, dad. Every time I ask,
you say everything is great.

You came in here
for the corned beef
or to argue?

Mr. Clark, I think there's been
a little misunderstanding.

I'm the one responsible
for Rhett's
getting top billing.

Rhett had nothing
to do with it.

-Is that the truth?
-As God as my witness.

But I just want to tell you
that everything
is cleared up now.

From now on, you and Rhett,
equal billing.

Now if you came here
to pity me, forget it.

Come on, dad.

It's over. It was a mistake.

Now, are we gonna
do this play together or not?

I'll have to think about it.

Dad...

hey, you're a trooper, right?

You always told me,
"The show must go on."

Okay.

Okay, I'll do it.

Well, you look nervous.

Yeah, well,
this is the first assignment
I've gotten from the boss

that's being reviewed
by the press.

Hey, don't worry about it.
Jackie and Rhett will be fine.

I hope so.

Come on. Let's get backstage.

[knock on door]

Places, Jackie.

How's the audience?

You got a full house.

The last time
I had a full house,

the guy sitting across from me
had a straight flush.

[Jonathan chuckles]

I lost everything.

I have a feeling
tonight's gonna be your night.

Yeah.

Well...

When I was a kid...

you were never home.

[Jackie] Well, I was working.

I had a family to feed.

And what are you going to say,

"I never had dinner with you"?

Well, it would've been nice,
you know,

if you came home to dinner,

like a family, once in a while.

Sure it would have been nice.

But there wouldn't have been
any food on the table

if I hadn't been out
on the road.

[Rhett] Who are you kidding?

[Jackie] What is that supposed
to mean?

[Rhett] You like being
on the road.

You like being
with your friends more
than with your own family.

I did what I do best.

Now I provided for you,
and all I get is abuse.

Yeah, well,
you never gave me credit
for anything.

The only credit you know
comes from credit cards,
and you don't mind using them.

I knew I shouldn't--

I should've never come here
to see you today.

[audience applauds]

That's not what they mean
by "Break a leg," kid.

Oh, that's funny.

Well, it's the only funny thing
so far tonight.

Did you look at that audience?
They were coughing, sleeping,
and leaving.

Not what
I would call engrossed.

Yeah, and whose fault is that?

Well, to be blunt, it's yours.

What the hell
are you talking about?

All right, what's the matter?

He's dying on me out there,
and blaming it on me.

Well, of course
I'm dying out there.
That's the role I'm playing.

I'm on my death bed.

The problem
is we're both dying,
and it's only act one.

Well, then, yelling
at each other isn't gonna
help matters any, is it?

Ah, he's right.

And I know audiences,
Mr. Movie star.

And we're losing them,
we gotta pick it up.

Why don't you
remember your lines?

It isn't easy when
I gotta say yours for you, too.

You're throwing me off.

Me? How many times
you been on stage in your life,

counting tonight,
what is it, once?

You just can't admit it,
can you?

-Admit what?
-Your timing's gone.

Why don't you admit it?
You're washed up.

Don't you ever say that
to me again.

You lost your stuff, dad.
Face it.

Come on, Jackie, stop it!

You've hurt each other enough
in your lives.
Isn't it time you stopped?

You're both supposed
to be professionals,
there's an audience out there

that paid good money
to see the show.

[Jackie mumbles]

Jonathan's right.
The show must go on.

I am so sick of that line.

I remember being
in the high school play,

while you were on the road
doing your act.

And you never showed up,

'cause the show had to go on.

In the hospital,
getting my appendix out,

I never saw you.

The show had to go on.

That's all that ever mattered
to you.

Doing your dumb act
in your dumb dress.

I embarrass him.

Oh, come on, he's just upset
because the play
is not going well.

-He'll get over it.
-No, I...

I saw it in his eyes.

I embarrass him.

I always embarrass him.

Maybe he's right.

Maybe I am all washed up.

Margo, darling, how are you?

Hello, Katy.

Enjoying the show?

[Katy purrs] That Rhett Clark's
a handsome boy, isn't he?

Oh, isn't he a good-looking
young man.

What do you think of the play?

I wish you hadn't asked.

If it doesn't pick up
in act two,
I'm not recommending it.

-Ooh!
-Excuse me.

Any progress?

Jackie's still really down
on himself. Jonathan's
with him right now.

Mark, the intermission's
almost over.

Are they doing act two?

Just give Jonathan
a couple of more minutes, okay?

You know,
I just figured it out.

My own son set me up.

What do you mean,
he set you up?

H set me up, exposed me
to public ridicule.

And how did he do that?

He wanted me to do this play
because he knew
I've seen better days.

He knew I'd make a fool
out of myself in front of
that audience tonight.

You know, blaming Rhett
isn't going to help you any.

I embarrass him, Jonathan.

He thinks
I'm a silly old clown.

All his life he's thought that.

Now tonight,
he's getting back at me.

You believe
what he said tonight,
don't you?

About you being washed up.

Well, it happens
to the best, Jonathan.

A few stay up
all their lives, but,

Well, it's Newton's law.

What goes up,
doesn't necessarily stay up.

So what are you gonna do,
give up? You've had
bad nights before.

Never as bad as this.

August 3rd, 1962,
The Friars club
in New York City,

you were going
right in the toilet.

How do you know about that?

I told you,
I've been following your career
for years.

[Jackie chuckles]
Was I bad that night.

But you pulled it out.

That's the night you introduced
Aunt Jackie to the audience.

Yeah. The audience
went bananas.

Oh, but this is different.
Half the audience
is already gone.

The critics
are gonna crucify me.

Tomorrow, the world will know
that Jackie Clark's a flop.

Will you stop it?

Now for your information,
the world wants
to give Jackie Clark

every chance to succeed.
It's Jackie Clark who won't
give himself a chance.

[knock on door]

Is there gonna be an act two?

If not, I have to go out
and make an announcement.

What do you say, Jackie?

Well...

I never missed a performance
in my life.

I'm not about to start now.

...coming here
to see you tomorrow, dad.

I'm going home.

Okay.

Well, I was hoping
maybe you and me could talk
before I go.

Fine. But don't talk too loud,

or I won't be able
to hear the TV.

[audience laughing]

This food is terrible.
Who caters this,
the salvation army?

[audience laughing]

Uh...

I don't know.

Look. Look at this apple,
there's a worm in here.

And he's wearing
a surgical mask.

[audience laughing]

Dad, what the hell
are you trying to do?

I'll tell you
what I'm not doing,

I'm not eating this food.

Seventeen hundred dollars a day
they charge me.

$200 a day for food I don't get
that I can't eat.

Ah, but hospitals,
they're smart.

Oh, they know
how to do repeat business.

They fix you up,
then they give you the bill

which gives you
another heart attack.

[audience laughing]

That's not in the play.

Yeah, I know.

I've heard of diets before,
but this is ridiculous.

The Scarsdale diet.

The no-diet diet.
Mine is the no-food diet.

[audience laughing]

The only other person I know
who's on this diet
besides me

was Mahatma Gandhi.

[audience laughing]

All I eat are pills.

Pills. Doctor gives me
these pills, these are
for my heart.

Nitroglycerin.

Smart. If I go over a bump
after I take one of these,

I blow up.

[exclaims]

[audience laughing]

No, dad, you can't.
Dad, don't do this.

You can't do this, dad!

Oh, yes, I can.

When I came into this hospital,
they said I might die.

They didn't say of starvation.

But I'm dying, all right.
I'm dying to get out.

Dad, you can't do this!

I'm not letting you
get away with this.

Try and stop me. I'm going
for a corned beef sandwich.

Dad, are you crazy?

Ooh, that's a good idea.

If I get caught, I'll say I'm
from the psychiatric ward.

Will you
just stop cracking jokes?

[audience laughing]

For once in your life,
will you just be yourself?

[audience goes quiet]

Well, this is me, son.
This is your father.

You're not my father.

You're a clown.

Yes.

I am.

Some people God put
on this Earth to be doctors,

others, lawyers.

The man upstairs took one look
at this kisser of mine,
and broke up laughing.

He said, "Clark...

you're a clown."

Is it wrong
to make people laugh?

They laughed.

They made fun of me.

All the kids at school
laughed at you.

Yeah, but they laughed.
That's what counts.

You know, I always thought
it was the parents

who couldn't accept
the children.

But not with you.

Oh, now with you, my boy,
it's the other way around.

Why can't you accept me
for the way I am?

Because...

Because what?

Because...

you were never home.

I know.

All I wanted, dad...

was to have a regular father.

Like all the other kids had.

I know.

They went to work at nine,
came home at five,
and wore pants.

Unlike your old man,

who went to work in January,
came home in June,
and wore dresses.

Don't you understand?

I...

I missed you.

What?

And I didn't miss you?

Why, every time I left home,
I felt awful.

I said--

I figured, "Don't let the boy
see you sad, Jackie.

Put on a happy face
in this life. The world
is sad enough as it is."

I wanted to be
like other fathers.

I couldn't help it.

I was just funnier.

Why are you crying?

I don't-- I don't know.

Yes, you do.

You're crying
because now we can be together
and we don't know how.

But we can try.

We could start all over
like we first met.

You want to try?

Yeah.

Okay.

Give me a kiss on the lips.

Dad, come on.

Are you embarrassed of me?

Your own mother?

No, but there's people here.

Oh, the hell with them.

Show 'em
you're not embarrassed.

Charlie, the curtain.

[audience cheering
and applauding]

I got to hand it to you.

You really saved the show.

You were cooking
at the end there yourself.

-Yeah?
-Yeah.

Well, do we take this show
on the road together or what?

Yeah, sure. Sounds like fun.

But no dress.

What do you mean, no dress?

I mean, dad,
the dress isn't negotiable.

Are you kidding?

The whole act's the dress.

They love the dress.

Okay. The dress stays.

[audience cheering
and applauding]

[theme song playing]