Original subtitles

[opening theme music playing]

[intercom buzzes]

Yeah?

Jackie Clark's here to see you, Mr. Conrad.

Send him right in.

Jackie, come in.

It's good to see you.

I got a joke for you, Ben.

Oh, you shouldn't smoke these. They're terrible for you.

Now, this guy from Buffalo,

he saves up his whole life so he can take the missus to Hawaii.

They fly to Oahu.

They lie in the sun, have some Mai Tais,

do the hula, grass skirts, the whole thing.

Time of their lives.

Now, the next thing you know,

this guy takes a dip,

has a heart attack, and drowns.

Finished. Kaput.

Now, the wife flies him back,

takes him to a funeral home.

The mortician dresses him up in his finest blue suit.

Now, at the funeral, the guy's best friend comes in,

takes a look at the open casket

and goes over to pay his respects to the missus.

He says, "Cecile, John looks terrific."

And she said, "He should.

He just got back from Hawaii."

That's a new one.

Why, of course it's new, I'm always working new things into the act.

Well, what's the scoop? Got any jobs?

Not yet, Jackie.

Well, of course,

helps to have an agent booking his acts,

so we can try in all this great new material.

I'm trying, Jackie, I'm on the phone all day for you.

I know that, Ben.

Have you called Vegas?

Ah, they're booked 18 months ahead.

I headlined at the Sans. Now I can't even get arrested there.

What about Atlantic City?

There's nothing right now, Jackie. I'm sorry.

Who wants to go to New Jersey?

The weather's terrible.

[Ben laughs]

What's the matter, Ben?

People don't want to laugh anymore?

You gotta hang in there, Jackie.

Things will turn around.

[intercom buzzes]

Yeah?

A Mr. Jonathan Smith on line two, Mr. Conrad.

Ben Conrad.

Of course he's still around.

He's standing right here, in front of me.

Tell them I'm available.

Yeah. Yeah, go ahead.

Yeah.

I've got it.

Right.

I'll give him the information.

Thank you, Mr. Smith.

When you said things would turn around, you weren't kidding.

The guy who called is a theater director named Jonathan Smith.

Smith? Never heard of him.

-Well, anyway-- -Ziegfeld, Minnelli,

-them I've worked with. -Jackie, will you listen to me for a second?

He's very interested in seeing you

for the lead role in a play he's directing down at center stage.

A play?

Oh, forget it.

Why?

Well, I'm a comedian, Ben. I'm not an actor.

Hey, George Burns was a comedian.

He won an Academy Award.

[Mark] I cannot believe you're directing a play.

I thought angels were people who invested in plays, not directed them.

[Jonathan] Well, first time for everything, Mark.

What's the name of the play, Heaven can wait?

[laughs heartily] That's cute.

-Miss Stevens? -Yes.

I'm Jonathan Smith.

Oh, thank God, you've arrived.

This is Mark Gordon, my set and costume designer.

How do you do? Nice to meet you. Why don't you have a seat?

Thank you.

Jonathan, I'm desperate.

My last director got hired to do a Broadway musical.

I don't have a cast.

And the theater's in the red. If this play isn't a hit,

I'm in big trouble.

Well, we've already got some actors in mind.

Ah, I need somebody with box office clout.

We've got to pull in an audience.

What about Rhett Clark?

Rhett Clark?

The movie star?

The one who did Poor Little Rich Kid?

That's the one, what do you think?

Can you get him?

[Jonathan] All I can do is try.

If you could get Rhett Clark, that would be incredible.

Tell her who you called to play the father.

Jackie Clark.

Who's Jackie Clark?

He was a big name before your time.

But he's also Rhett Clark's father.

Well, if you can get Rhett Clark,

I don't care who plays the father.

[indistinct chatter]

Rhett, you are the hottest young actor in Hollywood.

Everybody wants to do a movie with you.

Yeah, I know that, Gary. I know.

You keep telling me.

So, what's next?

Well, international film corps

is waving big money in front of us.

They want to sign you to an exclusive three-picture deal,

and I think you should do it.

Yeah, okay. I'll think about it.

[Jonathan] Excuse me.

Rhett Clark?

Yeah.

Rhett, you know this guy?

Never saw him before.

My name's Jonathan Smith.

I'm directing a play, here in Hollywood,

and I was hoping you'd take a look at the script.

Excuse me.

Mr. Clark accepts script submissions only through his agent.

Hey, you're Gary Sherman, aren't you?

Uh, yeah. That's right.

Well, you're Rhett's agent, so why don't you submit this to your client?

He's sitting at the table next to you.

Look, old man, I'm booked solid right now.

I don't have time to do a play.

Sorry.

It'd only take you a couple of hours to read it.

I think it might change your mind.

Look, Rhett is extremely busy.

You'll have to excuse us.

Then I'm sorry for interrupting you,

but this happens to be a great part for Rhett.

It's a play about a man and his son who never got to know each other.

Look, Smith, 20 unknown hacks a day

barge in here trying to shove scripts at Rhett.

Now, we're not interested.

It's a shame.

I was hoping to get your father to act in the play with you.

My father?

Rhett, we're talking a three-pic deal.

You can't even consider doing a play.

Hang on a minute, Gary.

Did my father say that he was interested in doing this play?

No, not yet. But I have a feeling he would if you do it with him.

I'll take a look at it.

Okay.

I'll get back to you.

Rhett, are you crazy?

I've got a million-dollar deal in the offering,

and you're thinking about doing some play at a rinky-dink theater?

Gary, this is my career.

I hire you to work for me.

You remember that.

Mr. Clark, if you have any questions, you can reach me at the center stage theater.

The number's right there on the script.

You have a nice lunch.

Rhett.

Oh, Rhett?

[sighs]

When I was a kid,

you were never home.

I was working.

I had a family to feed.

You know, it would have been nice

to sit down to dinner like a family once in a while.

Sure, it would have been nice.

But there wouldn't have been food on the table

if I wasn't out there, on the road, working.

Sure you were.

And what's that supposed to mean?

It means you liked it on the road.

You liked being with your friends more than you did your own family.

I did it because that's what I had to do.

And I did it the best way.

Thank you very much, gentlemen.

We'll be in touch as soon as we make a decision.

That's it. No more auditions for today.

How you doing?

-Hey, Rhett, good to see you. -Yeah.

Rhett, this is Margo Stevens, artistic director of the theater.

It is a pleasure to meet you.

[Rhett] Nice meeting you.

Get a chance to read the play?

Yeah. Yeah, I did.

It's great.

Reminds me a lot of me and my old man.

Oh, please tell me that you came here to say that you'll do it.

Yeah. Yeah, I'll do it.

Only one thing.

[Margo] You name it.

I'm only gonna do the play if my dad does it with me.

Oh, I'm afraid your father turned the role down today.

Well, that's before he knew I was gonna be in it.

I don't understand why you turned down the play.

You read it, you liked it.

I can't do a play in this town, Ben.

Why not?

Why not, he asks.

I do a play, and it looks like I'm not working.

But you're not working.

Listen, Mr. brilliant Ben who can't get me a job,

now all of sudden I show up in a play in some theater

that looks like a condemned building,

and everybody in Hollywood's saying

"Jackie's Clark's career is in the gutter."

Now, will you forget it?

Anything else, boys?

Yeah, Julie, give my grandfather the check,

and me, your phone number.

You'll have to settle for the check.

Jackie, it's work.

Ben, I don't want to work.

Why do you think I became a comedian?

Okay. Goodbye.

No. Give me that.

-Jackie, I'm paying the check. -No. No, you don't.

No. No, we'll split the check in half.

You get the half with the amount due.

Jackie, you're nuts.

You're crazy, bananas, nuts.

Never could do that trick.

[Ben laughs]

The lobby's full of people.

Go get a few more, we'll play some cards.

Hi, dad.

Would you look at this? Rhett.

Would you look at this.

A year I haven't seen him, and he gives me a handshake.

Give me a kiss on the lips.

What's the matter, you're embarrassed?

Rhett, you know Ben Conrad.

Of course he knows me. How are you, Rhett?

How is he?

Well, he's a star. He takes after his old man.

I saw your last picture, Rhett. You were terrific.

-Thanks, Ben. -Oh, what's terrific?

That's not acting. The kid's a looker.

The camera loves a pretty face.

-Takes after his mother. -Oh, come on, dad.

Dad, I'd like you to meet two friends of mine.

Jonathan Smith and Mark Gordon.

Pleasure to meet you, Mr. Clark.

One of your biggest fans.

Jonathan Smith, the director?

Yeah, I'm afraid that's me.

I figured Mr. Clark could turn me down on the phone,

but he wouldn't do it in person.

You all know each other?

Sure, dad. I'm gonna be doing a play down at center stage with Jonathan and Mark.

You, in a play?

Yup. I figure it's time to branch out.

You know I've been doing movies for a while, and I'd like to try some theater.

You mean, you and me almost was in a play together?

Dad, we still can.

What do you say, pop, huh?

It'll be a gas.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, but I... no, I can't.

No, I'm booked into a big club.

Couldn't you postpone the club date?

It's not a problem, Jackie. I can reschedule it.

Sure would be something.

Two generations of the Clarks on stage together, same time.

Come on, dad. We're gonna knock 'em dead.

Well, I don't know. This play's kinda serious. There's not a lot of yuks.

Mr. Clark, if you could do comedy, you could do anything.

You'd be great in it, believe me.

And the check's in the mail, huh?

Of course, how often does a father and son get a chance

to work together in this business?

So then you'll do it?

I'll do it.

Listen, dad, I got to run right now,

but I'll see you tomorrow afternoon at rehearsal, okay?

I'll see you.

Probably got a hot date.

How are you feeling, dad?

If I was feeling any good, would I be in here?

Dad, that's not the line.

What dad are you talking to,

the one in the play or the real one?

Both.

Are you trying to tell me how to say my lines?

Jackie. Rhett's right. The line's not in the play.

Well, of course it's not in the play. I ad-libbed it.

Well, you can't ad-lib in a play.

Jackie Clark can't ad-lib?

I'm the greatest ad-lib guy in the business.

You don't make it in comedy if you don't ad-lib.

Dad, this isn't a comedy. It's a drama.

Well, that's the problem. It's not funny.

Look, Jackie, let's take it from the top,

without the ad-libs, okay?

Okay. You're the director.

Hey, Mark.

When are we gonna get the costumes?

I can't be dressed like this.

I mean, what if people should laugh?

God forbid people should chuckle.

Oh, listen now, Jackie, we'll have the costumes today.

Okay, Jackie, come in.

Okay. Ready.

Did I ever tell you about my husband?

Gilbert was a very jealous man.

He was jealous of my looks.

He figured anybody who looked like this had to stay faithful.

Oh, that's funny.

Jackie, come on, what are you doing?

What am I doing? I'm, Aunt Jackie.

She's the most popular character in my act.

We're not doing your act, dad.

In case you haven't noticed, we're doing a play here.

When people pay $20 to see Jackie Clark,

they want Aunt Jackie.

Hey, will you get it through your head?

They're paying to see somebody else besides you up here.

Look, if you want to do it with a dress and a wig?

Fine, but I'm out of here.

Kid has no sense of humor.

It's always been like this.

Couldn't get his own way, he storms out of the room.

Then why don't we call it a day?

We'll pick up again tomorrow when everybody's fresh.

Okay.

[knock at door]

Hey, mind if we come in?

You're in, aren't you?

Your father here is quite a character, isn't he?

Yeah. He's a character, all right.

Never been much of a father,

but he's a character.

You know, when I was growing up,

we never had talks. Dad just did his routines.

Mom and I watched.

If I had a problem,

I had to talk to Aunt Jackie,

never my father.

Come on, that's all in the past.

In the past?

He's pulling the same garbage.

Come on, man.

You saw what he did. You were there.

All right, I saw what he did.

Look, you're a successful actor now, yourself.

I think it's a little hard for your father to take.

Come on, why don't you relax a little? Don't let him get to you so much.

He gets to me.

What can I say? He's a clown.

Don't you think you're being a little hard on him?

Look, what are you in here talking to me for?

Why aren't you setting him straight?

Hey, I intend to talk to him.

He's just a little nervous now. That's all.

Try obnoxious.

Come, on, look, it's the first dramatic play your father's ever been in.

It's just gonna take him some time to get into it.

By putting on a dress?

I'll take care of your dad. I promise you.

Meanwhile, I have to know I can I count on you,

I got people lining up to see this play. I want it to be a great one.

You know why people are lining up to see this show?

To see me, Rhett Clark,

not some washed-up old comedian who dresses up like a woman.

No business like show business.

Come on in.

Have a seat.

Can I get you some coffee, Ms. Stevens?

-No, thank you. -Tea?

-No, nothing. -I have herbal,

mandarin orange, cinnamon spice.

I'm fine.

What was it you wanted to talk to me about?

Well, I understand that you're sold out for the run of the show.

Oh, yes. Audiences are very interested in seeing Rhett.

Sure, they are. He's terrific.

And because it is Rhett that's selling your tickets,

we've decided that we'd like to change the billing

on all the TV, the radio, and the print ads, and on the marquee.

We want Rhett's name alone.

Above the title.

Well, you were the one that insisted on equal billing for your father.

It's not negotiable, Ms. Stevens.

[Gary] I'm sorry, but if Rhett doesn't get top billing,

he'll have no recourse but to leave the show.

Here you go.

-Thank you, sir. -You bet.

Ah, Jonathan, this is living.

Yeah, you like this, huh?

I like it. Are you kidding? What's not to like?

Got room service, maid service, wakeup service.

I mean, this is service.

What are we watching?

It's Rhett.

Oh, Jon, give me a break, will you?

I mean, can't we watch somebody else in something for a change?

Let me just watch this interview. He's supposed to be on with Jackie.

He's gonna promote the play a little bit.

I'm here with Rhett Clark,

one of the fastest rising stars in Hollywood.

-Hi, Rhett. -Hi, Katy.

Rhett, your last film has been a tremendous success.

-Thank you. -Now,

tell us about your next project.

Well, Katy, I'm gonna be doing a play down at the center stage theater.

It's called Final Passage.

That's great.

And you're playing the lead, correct?

That's right.

Now, I understand your father,

the comedian Jackie Clark, is in the play, too.

Yeah, my dad's in it with me.

Well, we're sorry that he couldn't come with you on the show today.

Yeah. Me, too.

And I asked him to come, but he couldn't make it.

I see.

I thought Jackie was supposed to be on the show.

He was.

Rhett lied. He never told him about the interview.

What are you doing?

I'm putting up a sign. What does it look like I'm doing?

I gave up Vegas to be humiliated like this?

What's the matter, Mr. Clark?

What's the matter she asks. Somebody decided to put my son's name above mine.

That's what's the matter.

-Yes, I did. -Without consulting me first?

I'm afraid I hadn't much of a choice.

Rhett and his agent insisted that he get top billing.

It wasn't negotiable.

If I didn't give it to him, he threatened to leave the play.

Mr. Hotshot did this?

My own son?

Well, fine. Let him have top billing.

Let him do the play by himself.

Don't be taking this thing on any joyrides to impress your girlfriend. Okay, pal?

Yeah, I'll try and fight off the temptation.

Rhett, you've got to work the room.

Work the room. Everybody here wants to do business with us.

Gary, I don't want to do any business today. I want to party.

Oh, come on, it's easy. You smile, you say hello,

you pretend like you're listening to everything they're saying

and then you tell them, "Talk to my agent."

Rhett!

I want to talk to you for a minute, alone, if you don't mind.

Jonathan, could we get back to you?

Gary, old buddy, why don't we get a bite to eat together?

Why don't we go outside, and then we'll talk.

Okay, Smith, what do you want to talk about now?

I want to know what you were trying to prove

by putting your name over your father's on the marquee.

Wasn't my idea, it was my agent's.

Come on, you expect me to believe that?

Gary works for you, remember?

I don't care whether you believe it or not.

Look, I'm bigger box office than he is, right?

My name deserves to be above the titles.

Yeah, what about your father, doesn't he deserve a little respect?

Respect's a two-way street.

Where's mine from him?

Come on, your father respects you.

Get off it. I get 50 letters a day from my fan club.

I hear from him maybe once a year.

And how many times do you go to see him a year?

Come on, how many times do you go see him?

You know, he told me the only time he gets to see you

is when you have a film opening and then he pays his money to see you.

Okay. So I'm busy.

Oh, I thought it was a two-way street.

Yeah, well, now he's gonna respect me,

'cause I got my name up in lights over his.

Do you really believe that having your name in bright lights

is what makes people respect you?

That's the name of the game in this business.

We're not talking about business. We're talking about your father.

Well, now he'll respect me.

'Cause I'm more successful than he is,

and he can't stand it.

What is all this to you anyway, huh?

Your father said he won't do the play unless he gets equal billing,

and I don't blame him.

So? He'll go do his dumb act in Vegas.

No great loss.

You really don't know him, do you?

I know him...

inside and out.

Oh, no, you don't.

If you did, you'd know there's no Las Vegas,

there's no Atlantic City, there are no club dates.

Your father hasn't had a job offer in over six months.

What?

This play is the first work that he's had in half a year,

a chance for him to do what he loves the most, be back on stage again.

God, don't take that away from him.

What are you doing out here?

Come on. Syd Ross has a deal you won't believe.

Hey! I am talking Syd Ross. Come on, Rhett.

Hi, dad.

Aren't you too important to be talking to me?

Listen...

I heard about the club dates in Vegas.

I'm sorry.

Well, what about 'em?

You know what I'm talking about.

Who told you, Ben?

No, dad. Ben didn't tell me.

Well, who?

It doesn't matter who told me.

You should've told me.

You never ask.

I ask, dad. Every time I ask, you say everything is great.

You came in here for the corned beef or to argue?

Mr. Clark, I think there's been a little misunderstanding.

I'm the one responsible for Rhett's getting top billing.

Rhett had nothing to do with it.

-Is that the truth? -As God as my witness.

But I just want to tell you that everything is cleared up now.

From now on, you and Rhett, equal billing.

Now if you came here to pity me, forget it.

Come on, dad.

It's over. It was a mistake.

Now, are we gonna do this play together or not?

I'll have to think about it.

Dad...

hey, you're a trooper, right?

You always told me, "The show must go on."

Okay.

Okay, I'll do it.

Well, you look nervous.

Yeah, well, this is the first assignment I've gotten from the boss

that's being reviewed by the press.

Hey, don't worry about it. Jackie and Rhett will be fine.

I hope so.

Come on. Let's get backstage.

[knock on door]

Places, Jackie.

How's the audience?

You got a full house.

The last time I had a full house,

the guy sitting across from me had a straight flush.

[Jonathan chuckles]

I lost everything.

I have a feeling tonight's gonna be your night.

Yeah.

Well...

When I was a kid...

you were never home.

[Jackie] Well, I was working.

I had a family to feed.

And what are you going to say,

"I never had dinner with you"?

Well, it would've been nice, you know,

if you came home to dinner,

like a family, once in a while.

Sure it would have been nice.

But there wouldn't have been any food on the table

if I hadn't been out on the road.

[Rhett] Who are you kidding?

[Jackie] What is that supposed to mean?

[Rhett] You like being on the road.

You like being with your friends more than with your own family.

I did what I do best.

Now I provided for you, and all I get is abuse.

Yeah, well, you never gave me credit for anything.

The only credit you know comes from credit cards, and you don't mind using them.

I knew I shouldn't--

I should've never come here to see you today.

[audience applauds]

That's not what they mean by "Break a leg," kid.

Oh, that's funny.

Well, it's the only funny thing so far tonight.

Did you look at that audience? They were coughing, sleeping, and leaving.

Not what I would call engrossed.

Yeah, and whose fault is that?

Well, to be blunt, it's yours.

What the hell are you talking about?

All right, what's the matter?

He's dying on me out there, and blaming it on me.

Well, of course I'm dying out there. That's the role I'm playing.

I'm on my death bed.

The problem is we're both dying, and it's only act one.

Well, then, yelling at each other isn't gonna help matters any, is it?

Ah, he's right.

And I know audiences, Mr. Movie star.

And we're losing them, we gotta pick it up.

Why don't you remember your lines?

It isn't easy when I gotta say yours for you, too.

You're throwing me off.

Me? How many times you been on stage in your life,

counting tonight, what is it, once?

You just can't admit it, can you?

-Admit what? -Your timing's gone.

Why don't you admit it? You're washed up.

Don't you ever say that to me again.

You lost your stuff, dad. Face it.

Come on, Jackie, stop it!

You've hurt each other enough in your lives. Isn't it time you stopped?

You're both supposed to be professionals, there's an audience out there

that paid good money to see the show.

[Jackie mumbles]

Jonathan's right. The show must go on.

I am so sick of that line.

I remember being in the high school play,

while you were on the road doing your act.

And you never showed up,

'cause the show had to go on.

In the hospital, getting my appendix out,

I never saw you.

The show had to go on.

That's all that ever mattered to you.

Doing your dumb act in your dumb dress.

I embarrass him.

Oh, come on, he's just upset because the play is not going well.

-He'll get over it. -No, I...

I saw it in his eyes.

I embarrass him.

I always embarrass him.

Maybe he's right.

Maybe I am all washed up.

Margo, darling, how are you?

Hello, Katy.

Enjoying the show?

[Katy purrs] That Rhett Clark's a handsome boy, isn't he?

Oh, isn't he a good-looking young man.

What do you think of the play?

I wish you hadn't asked.

If it doesn't pick up in act two, I'm not recommending it.

-Ooh! -Excuse me.

Any progress?

Jackie's still really down on himself. Jonathan's with him right now.

Mark, the intermission's almost over.

Are they doing act two?

Just give Jonathan a couple of more minutes, okay?

You know, I just figured it out.

My own son set me up.

What do you mean, he set you up?

H set me up, exposed me to public ridicule.

And how did he do that?

He wanted me to do this play because he knew I've seen better days.

He knew I'd make a fool out of myself in front of that audience tonight.

You know, blaming Rhett isn't going to help you any.

I embarrass him, Jonathan.

He thinks I'm a silly old clown.

All his life he's thought that.

Now tonight, he's getting back at me.

You believe what he said tonight, don't you?

About you being washed up.

Well, it happens to the best, Jonathan.

A few stay up all their lives, but,

Well, it's Newton's law.

What goes up, doesn't necessarily stay up.

So what are you gonna do, give up? You've had bad nights before.

Never as bad as this.

August 3rd, 1962, The Friars club in New York City,

you were going right in the toilet.

How do you know about that?

I told you, I've been following your career for years.

[Jackie chuckles] Was I bad that night.

But you pulled it out.

That's the night you introduced Aunt Jackie to the audience.

Yeah. The audience went bananas.

Oh, but this is different. Half the audience is already gone.

The critics are gonna crucify me.

Tomorrow, the world will know that Jackie Clark's a flop.

Will you stop it?

Now for your information, the world wants to give Jackie Clark

every chance to succeed. It's Jackie Clark who won't give himself a chance.

[knock on door]

Is there gonna be an act two?

If not, I have to go out and make an announcement.

What do you say, Jackie?

Well...

I never missed a performance in my life.

I'm not about to start now.

...coming here to see you tomorrow, dad.

I'm going home.

Okay.

Well, I was hoping maybe you and me could talk before I go.

Fine. But don't talk too loud,

or I won't be able to hear the TV.

[audience laughing]

This food is terrible. Who caters this, the salvation army?

[audience laughing]

Uh...

I don't know.

Look. Look at this apple, there's a worm in here.

And he's wearing a surgical mask.

[audience laughing]

Dad, what the hell are you trying to do?

I'll tell you what I'm not doing,

I'm not eating this food.

Seventeen hundred dollars a day they charge me.

$200 a day for food I don't get that I can't eat.

Ah, but hospitals, they're smart.

Oh, they know how to do repeat business.

They fix you up, then they give you the bill

which gives you another heart attack.

[audience laughing]

That's not in the play.

Yeah, I know.

I've heard of diets before, but this is ridiculous.

The Scarsdale diet.

The no-diet diet. Mine is the no-food diet.

[audience laughing]

The only other person I know who's on this diet besides me

was Mahatma Gandhi.

[audience laughing]

All I eat are pills.

Pills. Doctor gives me these pills, these are for my heart.

Nitroglycerin.

Smart. If I go over a bump after I take one of these,

I blow up.

[exclaims]

[audience laughing]

No, dad, you can't. Dad, don't do this.

You can't do this, dad!

Oh, yes, I can.

When I came into this hospital, they said I might die.

They didn't say of starvation.

But I'm dying, all right. I'm dying to get out.

Dad, you can't do this!

I'm not letting you get away with this.

Try and stop me. I'm going for a corned beef sandwich.

Dad, are you crazy?

Ooh, that's a good idea.

If I get caught, I'll say I'm from the psychiatric ward.

Will you just stop cracking jokes?

[audience laughing]

For once in your life, will you just be yourself?

[audience goes quiet]

Well, this is me, son. This is your father.

You're not my father.

You're a clown.

Yes.

I am.

Some people God put on this Earth to be doctors,

others, lawyers.

The man upstairs took one look at this kisser of mine, and broke up laughing.

He said, "Clark...

you're a clown."

Is it wrong to make people laugh?

They laughed.

They made fun of me.

All the kids at school laughed at you.

Yeah, but they laughed. That's what counts.

You know, I always thought it was the parents

who couldn't accept the children.

But not with you.

Oh, now with you, my boy, it's the other way around.

Why can't you accept me for the way I am?

Because...

Because what?

Because...

you were never home.

I know.

All I wanted, dad...

was to have a regular father.

Like all the other kids had.

I know.

They went to work at nine, came home at five, and wore pants.

Unlike your old man,

who went to work in January, came home in June, and wore dresses.

Don't you understand?

I...

I missed you.

What?

And I didn't miss you?

Why, every time I left home, I felt awful.

I said--

I figured, "Don't let the boy see you sad, Jackie.

Put on a happy face in this life. The world is sad enough as it is."

I wanted to be like other fathers.

I couldn't help it.

I was just funnier.

Why are you crying?

I don't-- I don't know.

Yes, you do.

You're crying because now we can be together and we don't know how.

But we can try.

We could start all over like we first met.

You want to try?

Yeah.

Okay.

Give me a kiss on the lips.

Dad, come on.

Are you embarrassed of me?

Your own mother?

No, but there's people here.

Oh, the hell with them.

Show 'em you're not embarrassed.

Charlie, the curtain.

[audience cheering and applauding]

I got to hand it to you.

You really saved the show.

You were cooking at the end there yourself.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

Well, do we take this show on the road together or what?

Yeah, sure. Sounds like fun.

But no dress.

What do you mean, no dress?

I mean, dad, the dress isn't negotiable.

Are you kidding?

The whole act's the dress.

They love the dress.

Okay. The dress stays.

[audience cheering and applauding]

[theme song playing]