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1
00:00:04,720 --> 00:00:08,610
- I said it was that way.
- THAT isn't a way, Mum!
2
00:00:08,660 --> 00:00:11,850
- What are you doing?
- Mum, just stay on your side of the car!
3
00:00:11,900 --> 00:00:15,300
- You're lurching me over!
- I can't see the road!
4
00:00:33,320 --> 00:00:34,130
Stand clear!
5
00:00:35,380 --> 00:00:39,650
- For God's sake!
- Don't snap at me! You missed the turning.
6
00:00:39,700 --> 00:00:42,330
Why aren't you driving? It's your car!
7
00:00:42,380 --> 00:00:44,410
I prefer to yell at you.
8
00:00:44,460 --> 00:00:47,730
And we go to cousin Pat's every birthday.
9
00:00:47,780 --> 00:00:50,050
How can you not know the way?
10
00:00:50,100 --> 00:00:52,980
I try to block it out, like
all of our time together.
11
00:00:54,780 --> 00:00:57,850
Now that I'm 70, which is the new 50,
12
00:00:57,900 --> 00:00:59,690
it suddenly hit me.
13
00:00:59,740 --> 00:01:01,730
Gefilte bhaji?
14
00:01:01,780 --> 00:01:04,010
I vomited before I came, thanks.
15
00:01:04,060 --> 00:01:06,650
Well, you've got to eat something.
16
00:01:06,700 --> 00:01:07,770
Bombay finger?
17
00:01:07,820 --> 00:01:12,050
Did you bring any
normal-sounding food at all?
18
00:01:12,100 --> 00:01:14,370
The big 7-0.
19
00:01:14,420 --> 00:01:16,530
And I finally see it!
20
00:01:16,580 --> 00:01:20,970
Life's not about the destination,
it's about the journey.
21
00:01:21,020 --> 00:01:23,410
You learn, you share...
22
00:01:23,460 --> 00:01:26,250
You needed to take THAT exit.
23
00:01:26,300 --> 00:01:28,010
Oh, fuck!
24
00:01:28,060 --> 00:01:32,170
Ha! Don't suppose you've
had one of those in a while?
25
00:01:32,220 --> 00:01:34,060
What happened to Big Jim?
26
00:01:35,140 --> 00:01:37,010
Oh, well, he died.
27
00:01:37,060 --> 00:01:39,540
There was an accident with a winch.
28
00:01:41,100 --> 00:01:42,970
Well, that's terrible.
29
00:01:43,020 --> 00:01:45,050
Still, plenty more fish.
30
00:01:45,100 --> 00:01:47,330
What? Wait! He wasn't my boyfriend!
31
00:01:47,380 --> 00:01:49,530
He was my 40st neighbour
32
00:01:49,580 --> 00:01:52,770
who had to be lifted out of
his flat by the fire brigade!
33
00:01:52,820 --> 00:01:54,490
God!
34
00:01:54,540 --> 00:01:57,410
So who's spelunking the
bat cave these days?
35
00:01:57,460 --> 00:01:59,170
Stop it. Stop it.
36
00:01:59,220 --> 00:02:02,570
Why won't you tell me? Unless...
37
00:02:04,620 --> 00:02:06,810
I did always wonder.
38
00:02:06,860 --> 00:02:10,170
What type are you? Lipstick? Chopstick?
39
00:02:10,220 --> 00:02:12,290
We're not having this conversation, OK?
40
00:02:12,340 --> 00:02:16,130
Why won't you tell me?
I'm a woman of the world!
41
00:02:16,180 --> 00:02:18,810
I've had my brushes with the clitterati.
42
00:02:18,860 --> 00:02:21,290
Brushes... AND feathers.
43
00:02:21,340 --> 00:02:23,810
OK, no conversation AT ALL!
44
00:02:23,860 --> 00:02:27,490
Like riding along with a Carmelite nun!
45
00:02:27,540 --> 00:02:29,090
♪ I love you, I hate you
46
00:02:29,140 --> 00:02:32,050
♪ I'm on the fence, it all
depends whether I'm up, I'm down
47
00:02:32,100 --> 00:02:34,650
♪ I'm on the mend
Transcending all reality... ♪
48
00:02:34,700 --> 00:02:37,410
Carpe diem ... seize the day.
49
00:02:37,460 --> 00:02:39,850
I was inspired by... what's her name?
50
00:02:39,900 --> 00:02:42,850
You know, that... that
cook on television. Erm...
51
00:02:42,900 --> 00:02:43,970
Delia Smith?
52
00:02:44,020 --> 00:02:47,330
Bowl hair cut. Caused
a run on omelette pans.
53
00:02:47,380 --> 00:02:49,330
Yeah, do you mean Delia Smith?
54
00:02:49,380 --> 00:02:51,010
I think she owned a football team.
55
00:02:51,060 --> 00:02:55,690
Became a noun in the OED.
Let's all do a... Delia!
56
00:02:55,740 --> 00:02:57,260
Delia Smith!
57
00:02:58,980 --> 00:03:00,330
And...?
58
00:03:00,380 --> 00:03:05,370
She said, "Don't count the
days, make the days count."
59
00:03:05,420 --> 00:03:07,650
That was Muhammad Ali.
60
00:03:07,700 --> 00:03:09,970
- What?
- No! Obviously, no!
61
00:03:11,340 --> 00:03:12,890
Uh-oh!
62
00:03:12,940 --> 00:03:14,690
I need to go again.
63
00:03:14,740 --> 00:03:16,570
What, again?
64
00:03:16,620 --> 00:03:19,090
What do you want me to
do, Franny, shit in a bag?
65
00:03:19,140 --> 00:03:22,260
OK! OK! Do not shit in any bag!
66
00:03:25,980 --> 00:03:27,850
One lump or two?
67
00:03:27,900 --> 00:03:29,970
Hands! Hands!
68
00:03:30,020 --> 00:03:31,780
- What...?!
- Honestly!
69
00:03:36,100 --> 00:03:37,650
Ah!
70
00:03:37,700 --> 00:03:39,770
- Sorry, Pat.
- No, no.
71
00:03:39,820 --> 00:03:41,410
We enjoy your little visits
72
00:03:41,460 --> 00:03:45,690
and we've some lovely leftovers
of Gemma's cake-tasting.
73
00:03:45,740 --> 00:03:49,330
Gem, darling. We're going
to need a bigger plate.
74
00:03:49,380 --> 00:03:53,570
I like the chocolate, but my
fiance Paul prefers the vanilla.
75
00:03:53,620 --> 00:03:56,010
I think we'll go traditional.
76
00:03:56,060 --> 00:04:00,970
Did I tell you that fiance
Paul has bought them a duplex?
77
00:04:01,020 --> 00:04:02,530
He paid cash.
78
00:04:02,580 --> 00:04:04,890
What's a duplex? Is it a condom?
79
00:04:04,940 --> 00:04:06,530
Stop it!
80
00:04:06,580 --> 00:04:09,410
Oh, did I tell you, Gemma's got a new job?
81
00:04:09,460 --> 00:04:10,970
Head of HR.
82
00:04:11,020 --> 00:04:13,050
Mm, Franny's had a promotion, too ...
83
00:04:13,100 --> 00:04:15,410
to be one of these super-duper teachers.
84
00:04:15,460 --> 00:04:17,570
- Aw.
- I haven't got it yet, Mum.
85
00:04:17,620 --> 00:04:20,090
Well, as we say in HR,
86
00:04:20,140 --> 00:04:23,130
there's no failure, only feedback.
87
00:04:23,180 --> 00:04:25,850
Ha! Tell that to the
passengers on the Titanic!
88
00:04:25,900 --> 00:04:28,130
Oh, Fran, you're not the Titanic.
89
00:04:28,180 --> 00:04:30,970
No. She's not going down on anyone!
90
00:04:34,820 --> 00:04:36,330
Hi, Mr Merdon.
91
00:04:36,380 --> 00:04:39,530
I just thought you might not
call cos you knew I was driving.
92
00:04:39,580 --> 00:04:42,860
Anyway, do let me know... about the job.
93
00:04:44,220 --> 00:04:45,970
It's Fran, by the way.
94
00:04:46,020 --> 00:04:48,380
OK, bye!
95
00:04:54,940 --> 00:04:57,890
I was just telling them
about my enormous bucket.
96
00:04:57,940 --> 00:04:59,690
Oh, God!
97
00:04:59,740 --> 00:05:01,730
Places to go, things to do.
98
00:05:01,780 --> 00:05:04,850
- Ah, you mean a list.
- I'll show you.
99
00:05:04,900 --> 00:05:09,050
No, I can imagine. Some horrific
odyssey of sordid antics.
100
00:05:09,100 --> 00:05:11,330
Or, as I prefer to call it, fun.
101
00:05:11,380 --> 00:05:15,370
Oh, talking of which, darling,
show them your engagement ring.
102
00:05:15,420 --> 00:05:19,570
I told fiance Paul he should
spend one month's salary.
103
00:05:19,620 --> 00:05:23,570
And how much should you spend on
a cousin's 70th birthday, Pat?
104
00:05:23,620 --> 00:05:24,810
Oh!
105
00:05:24,860 --> 00:05:27,930
Yes, yes, yes. I got
you a little something.
106
00:05:27,980 --> 00:05:29,980
But it's a big one, 70.
107
00:05:32,500 --> 00:05:35,490
All right, then, come upstairs.
108
00:05:35,540 --> 00:05:37,250
Yes!
109
00:05:37,300 --> 00:05:39,050
Ow!
110
00:05:40,580 --> 00:05:42,210
Moment of peace.
111
00:05:42,260 --> 00:05:44,730
All this wed-min Mum's got me doing, Fran,
112
00:05:44,780 --> 00:05:46,370
it's actually like hard work.
113
00:05:46,420 --> 00:05:48,650
Right. Is it?
114
00:05:48,700 --> 00:05:54,530
Now that I'm 70, which is the
new 30, I'm going for it, Pat!
115
00:05:54,580 --> 00:05:56,370
You should get a bucket.
116
00:05:56,420 --> 00:05:58,980
- Here you are, Mim.
- Erm...
117
00:06:03,260 --> 00:06:04,770
Can I have this one?
118
00:06:04,820 --> 00:06:06,930
Oh, all right.
119
00:06:06,980 --> 00:06:08,020
Thank you.
120
00:06:09,620 --> 00:06:12,610
That's the crap you
gave me last Christmas.
121
00:06:12,660 --> 00:06:17,130
We're using old photos of
everyone for place settings.
122
00:06:17,180 --> 00:06:18,570
Funny, isn't it?
123
00:06:18,620 --> 00:06:20,250
Oh, my God, look at your mum!
124
00:06:20,300 --> 00:06:22,810
Oh, I remember that holiday.
125
00:06:22,860 --> 00:06:24,810
Oh, Fran, is that you?
126
00:06:24,860 --> 00:06:26,730
Erm, no, I don't think so.
127
00:06:26,780 --> 00:06:30,010
- With your dad maybe?
- Then, no, definitely not.
128
00:06:30,060 --> 00:06:32,410
Oh, of course.
129
00:06:32,460 --> 00:06:35,210
Did your mum even know who it was?
130
00:06:35,260 --> 00:06:39,690
Erm, yes, but he died before
I was born. This is you.
131
00:06:39,740 --> 00:06:41,330
Yeah, must be.
132
00:06:41,380 --> 00:06:44,970
There are so many pictures of me,
but I can't even find one of you.
133
00:06:45,020 --> 00:06:48,060
No, well, you won't. Mum
says I crack the lens.
134
00:06:49,620 --> 00:06:52,540
- No, she just didn't take any.
- Oh!
135
00:06:53,660 --> 00:06:56,380
A joke, yeah. My fiance Paul does those.
136
00:06:59,220 --> 00:07:00,860
Wait a sec.
137
00:07:02,020 --> 00:07:03,060
Oh.
138
00:07:17,700 --> 00:07:19,650
- Well...
- Bon voyage!
139
00:07:19,700 --> 00:07:21,290
Have a wonderful time.
140
00:07:21,340 --> 00:07:22,730
We're only going home.
141
00:07:22,780 --> 00:07:24,770
But I told you about my bucket.
142
00:07:24,820 --> 00:07:28,490
- Well, what's that got to do
with me? - You're driving! - What?!
143
00:07:28,540 --> 00:07:31,250
"Ride bareback with the Navajo." Hm.
144
00:07:32,540 --> 00:07:34,450
"Kiss a frog on Lake Titicaca."
145
00:07:34,500 --> 00:07:36,810
This is ridiculous! You
can't do all of this.
146
00:07:36,860 --> 00:07:38,250
No, not all at once!
147
00:07:38,300 --> 00:07:40,890
First up is a special night away for us.
148
00:07:40,940 --> 00:07:43,810
Well, I'm sure you'll have fun,
but I have an Ocado coming.
149
00:07:43,860 --> 00:07:46,130
No, no, I'm not going
on any trip with her!
150
00:07:46,180 --> 00:07:48,900
I can't. I've got... plans.
151
00:07:53,100 --> 00:07:56,450
Just think, this is the
ultimate road trip.
152
00:07:56,500 --> 00:07:58,530
We'll be like Thelma and Louise.
153
00:07:58,580 --> 00:08:01,770
They killed themselves.
Now let's go... home!
154
00:08:01,820 --> 00:08:04,500
Actually, I do feel like driving today.
155
00:08:06,300 --> 00:08:07,300
OK, Mum, Mum, Mum!
156
00:08:07,350 --> 00:08:09,270
What's the matter, Franny?
157
00:08:09,820 --> 00:08:13,250
Is it Gemma? Her wedding?
Her duplex? Her job?
158
00:08:13,300 --> 00:08:18,090
- I don't even know what HR is.
- Human Resources... Mum, please!
159
00:08:18,140 --> 00:08:20,410
Mum! Mum!
160
00:08:20,460 --> 00:08:22,900
Slow down! Pull over!
161
00:08:24,500 --> 00:08:27,250
Just... No! No fucking way!
162
00:08:27,300 --> 00:08:31,210
- Franny, please!
- Mum, no! There is no way!
163
00:08:31,260 --> 00:08:35,530
Look, I might not always have been
the best mother in the world...
164
00:08:35,580 --> 00:08:38,330
Ha! Or the best mother in our house!
165
00:08:38,380 --> 00:08:40,570
Look, Franny, I'm 70.
166
00:08:40,620 --> 00:08:44,410
I've never seen the sun
set on the Taj Mahal.
167
00:08:44,460 --> 00:08:46,900
I've never made love in an elevator.
168
00:08:48,380 --> 00:08:49,850
Or have I?
169
00:08:49,900 --> 00:08:52,610
But my biggest regret is you!
170
00:08:52,660 --> 00:08:57,810
That's why I booked a special
night away, somewhere YOU'LL like.
171
00:08:57,860 --> 00:09:00,220
Please, it's the minibreak we never had.
172
00:09:01,620 --> 00:09:05,660
One night, one trip, but I'm driving!
173
00:09:07,260 --> 00:09:10,210
♪ I was born in the wagon
of a travellin' show
174
00:09:10,260 --> 00:09:13,050
♪ My mama used to dance
for the money they'd throw
175
00:09:13,100 --> 00:09:17,930
♪ Papa would do whatever he could
176
00:09:17,980 --> 00:09:21,010
♪ Preach a little gospel
177
00:09:21,060 --> 00:09:24,610
♪ Sell a couple bottles of Dr Good... ♪
178
00:09:24,660 --> 00:09:26,330
No, no more.
179
00:09:26,380 --> 00:09:28,290
But I love that song!
180
00:09:28,340 --> 00:09:31,490
"I was born in the wagon
of a travelling show."
181
00:09:33,940 --> 00:09:36,850
Did I ever tell you you were
nearly born in a minicab?
182
00:09:36,900 --> 00:09:38,580
Was I?
183
00:09:40,220 --> 00:09:42,370
The driver's name was Tahibo.
184
00:09:42,420 --> 00:09:45,570
He said I had the most luxuriant bush...
185
00:09:45,620 --> 00:09:48,170
OK, stop now, thank you very much.
186
00:09:48,220 --> 00:09:50,220
Never even gave him a tip.
187
00:09:51,980 --> 00:09:57,980
Maybe I should have called you
Tahibo. Still, what's done is done.
188
00:10:05,940 --> 00:10:08,250
OK.
189
00:10:08,300 --> 00:10:14,650
Which would you rather ... dry-hump
Ann Widdecombe or rim Donald Trump?
190
00:10:14,700 --> 00:10:16,530
No, Mum! A proper quiz, like,
191
00:10:16,580 --> 00:10:19,610
"Where was the Declaration of
American Independence signed?"
192
00:10:19,660 --> 00:10:21,810
- On the left! - If you're
not going to do it properly...
193
00:10:21,860 --> 00:10:24,570
Listen! Here, on the left.
194
00:10:24,620 --> 00:10:26,620
We've finally arrived!
195
00:10:33,340 --> 00:10:35,090
MiniWorld!
196
00:10:35,140 --> 00:10:37,690
Norfolk's answer to Disneyland.
197
00:10:37,740 --> 00:10:40,170
What the hell was the question?
198
00:10:40,220 --> 00:10:43,690
You were desperate to come here.
Went on and on about it one summer.
199
00:10:43,740 --> 00:10:46,770
- But we didn't.
- Well, it was the '80s.
200
00:10:46,820 --> 00:10:49,890
There were risks ... Chernobyl, Aids
201
00:10:49,940 --> 00:10:52,010
and that emu.
202
00:10:52,060 --> 00:10:54,610
Or was it the summer you disappeared off
203
00:10:54,660 --> 00:10:57,370
to rescue Nelson Mandela in Alicante(?)
204
00:10:57,420 --> 00:10:58,970
Or was it the summer
205
00:10:59,020 --> 00:11:01,770
you were in hiding from
the Baader-Meinhof Gang(?)
206
00:11:01,820 --> 00:11:03,530
I don't remember specifically.
207
00:11:03,580 --> 00:11:07,490
Or was it the summer you just
dumped me at Granny's house...
208
00:11:07,540 --> 00:11:10,970
who had died in April?
209
00:11:11,020 --> 00:11:13,330
- I came back.
- And we're going.
210
00:11:13,380 --> 00:11:17,690
No, I don't want to go home!
I want to do my bucket list!
211
00:11:17,740 --> 00:11:20,250
Because 70 is the new foetus?
212
00:11:20,300 --> 00:11:21,530
No,
213
00:11:21,580 --> 00:11:23,260
because I'm dying!
214
00:11:24,340 --> 00:11:25,660
What?
215
00:11:29,020 --> 00:11:31,210
But... no...
216
00:11:31,260 --> 00:11:33,250
You look OK.
217
00:11:33,300 --> 00:11:35,090
From a distance.
218
00:11:35,140 --> 00:11:37,530
I'm like a Seurat painting.
219
00:11:37,580 --> 00:11:41,170
Come closer, and there's a
million tiny dots multiplying.
220
00:11:41,220 --> 00:11:43,690
Oh, shit! Cancer?
221
00:11:43,740 --> 00:11:47,090
Eating away at me, and
not in a way I'd like!
222
00:11:47,140 --> 00:11:48,810
What are we doing here?
223
00:11:48,860 --> 00:11:50,970
Why aren't we at a hospital?
224
00:11:51,020 --> 00:11:54,290
Because that's the END of my story.
225
00:11:54,340 --> 00:11:57,140
And there's so many pages left to fill!
226
00:11:58,140 --> 00:11:59,660
Oh, Mum!
227
00:12:01,860 --> 00:12:03,820
God, I wish you'd wear a bra!
228
00:12:08,980 --> 00:12:12,290
Pre-paid one night, double room
on a Kids Go Free deal, yeah?
229
00:12:12,340 --> 00:12:14,850
Er... double room?
230
00:12:14,900 --> 00:12:17,010
And... I'm not a kid.
231
00:12:17,060 --> 00:12:18,370
You're my kid.
232
00:12:18,420 --> 00:12:20,090
I'm 35.
233
00:12:20,140 --> 00:12:22,540
One upgrade to adjoining rooms...
234
00:12:24,060 --> 00:12:26,580
Mini rate is £179.
235
00:12:27,700 --> 00:12:29,610
We'll have a pyjama party.
236
00:12:29,660 --> 00:12:31,730
Oh, what's the minibar like?
237
00:12:31,780 --> 00:12:34,970
Tiny. Right, you're in the Mini Lodge.
238
00:12:35,020 --> 00:12:37,730
You can walk it or take the Mini Train.
239
00:12:37,780 --> 00:12:39,940
Welcome to MiniWorld.
240
00:12:50,700 --> 00:12:53,300
Last one to the hotel's a paedo!
241
00:12:59,580 --> 00:13:02,650
Running with the bulls in Pamplona.
242
00:13:02,700 --> 00:13:04,740
Zorbing in Bedford.
243
00:13:06,180 --> 00:13:08,050
When are we going to talk about it?
244
00:13:08,100 --> 00:13:11,050
- What?
- The elephant in the room.
245
00:13:11,100 --> 00:13:14,050
Don't be so hard on yourself, Franny.
246
00:13:14,100 --> 00:13:16,490
I just want to get a handle on this.
247
00:13:16,540 --> 00:13:20,250
- It's coming! - Yeah, that's
why we HAVE to talk about it.
248
00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:22,660
- I told them, you see.
- What?
249
00:13:23,940 --> 00:13:28,490
♪ Happy birthday to you
250
00:13:28,540 --> 00:13:33,010
♪ Happy birthday to you
251
00:13:33,060 --> 00:13:38,330
♪ Happy birthday dear... Mim
252
00:13:38,380 --> 00:13:42,210
♪ Happy birthday to you. ♪
253
00:13:44,540 --> 00:13:46,970
- Whoo!
- Birthday conga time?
254
00:13:47,020 --> 00:13:48,380
Yeah!
255
00:13:49,660 --> 00:13:51,170
Hey-hey-hey!
256
00:13:54,980 --> 00:13:56,810
Hey!
257
00:13:56,860 --> 00:13:58,810
Hey!
258
00:13:58,860 --> 00:14:01,100
Hey! Hey!
259
00:14:02,740 --> 00:14:04,660
Hey! Hey!
260
00:14:06,060 --> 00:14:10,130
- Wire hangers! - Agh!
- I always need more of these!
261
00:14:10,180 --> 00:14:12,530
What is on your face?
262
00:14:12,580 --> 00:14:14,290
Beauty cream!
263
00:14:14,340 --> 00:14:16,370
I didn't just fellate a Smurf.
264
00:14:16,420 --> 00:14:19,650
- Ugh. - But did I ever tell
you about the time I did?
265
00:14:19,700 --> 00:14:22,730
- It was in Brussels, I...
- Please, don't give me nightmares.
266
00:14:22,780 --> 00:14:25,130
- Oh, you!
- Too late!
267
00:14:25,180 --> 00:14:30,570
I want to experience everything
before all I have are memories.
268
00:14:30,620 --> 00:14:32,570
Who are these children?
269
00:14:32,620 --> 00:14:34,610
Well, I haven't actually met them,
270
00:14:34,660 --> 00:14:37,610
but they're very
photogenic, don't you think?
271
00:14:37,660 --> 00:14:39,970
And you've got one of Gemma, I see.
272
00:14:40,020 --> 00:14:43,090
Oh, I don't want to argue.
273
00:14:43,140 --> 00:14:45,650
We should be bonding.
274
00:14:45,700 --> 00:14:48,290
Gossiping together, woman to woman.
275
00:14:48,340 --> 00:14:51,610
And, Fran, if that's
what you're into, it's...
276
00:14:51,660 --> 00:14:54,810
Ugh, Mum! I don't want to talk about that.
277
00:14:54,860 --> 00:14:58,010
- You're ill and...
- Well, I don't want to talk about that!
278
00:14:58,060 --> 00:14:59,940
I want quality time.
279
00:15:06,900 --> 00:15:08,770
Stick the telly on?
280
00:15:08,820 --> 00:15:11,420
Yeah. Cosy.
281
00:15:14,700 --> 00:15:18,610
Ah! We never do this. Why is that?
282
00:15:18,660 --> 00:15:21,450
'Unfortunately for the
singleton black bear cub,
283
00:15:21,500 --> 00:15:23,930
'the mother will often abandon it,
284
00:15:23,980 --> 00:15:27,820
'deciding that raising only one
baby just isn't worth her effort.'
285
00:15:35,020 --> 00:15:38,380
Maybe you were right, dear. Bedtime.
286
00:15:47,620 --> 00:15:52,250
Oi! Are you checking for
squirrels over there?
287
00:15:52,300 --> 00:15:54,770
- Am I what?
- Masturbating.
288
00:15:54,820 --> 00:15:58,250
When you were small, I had to
nearly tape up your knickers.
289
00:15:58,300 --> 00:15:59,700
Ugh!
290
00:16:01,500 --> 00:16:02,940
Go to sleep!
291
00:16:10,860 --> 00:16:16,090
Apparently, the models are an exact
1-12 replica of the nearby village.
292
00:16:16,140 --> 00:16:22,100
Huh! Church, pub, pet
shop and kebabery. Oh.
293
00:16:23,140 --> 00:16:27,290
"Et in Arcadia ego." Hm.
294
00:16:27,340 --> 00:16:30,940
- Ah. - No, not another
word. No morbid talk.
295
00:16:32,220 --> 00:16:34,610
"Life" is a doing word.
296
00:16:34,660 --> 00:16:39,650
Well, actually, it's a noun.
OK, Mum, MiniWorld here we come!
297
00:16:39,700 --> 00:16:41,300
Yes!
298
00:16:43,820 --> 00:16:46,860
♪ Climbed a mountain and I turned around
299
00:16:48,420 --> 00:16:54,770
♪ And I saw my reflection
in the snow-covered hills
300
00:16:54,820 --> 00:16:58,620
♪ Till the landslide brought it down
301
00:17:00,460 --> 00:17:03,250
♪ Oh, mirror in the sky
302
00:17:03,300 --> 00:17:06,330
♪ What is love?
303
00:17:06,380 --> 00:17:11,180
♪ Can the child within
my heart rise above?
304
00:17:12,380 --> 00:17:18,370
♪ Can I sail through the
changin' ocean tides?
305
00:17:18,420 --> 00:17:25,020
♪ Can I handle the seasons of my life? ♪
306
00:17:26,500 --> 00:17:28,060
Hey-hey!
307
00:17:29,900 --> 00:17:31,090
Oh.
308
00:17:34,580 --> 00:17:36,610
Are you sexting?
309
00:17:36,660 --> 00:17:38,970
It's a missed call from work.
310
00:17:39,020 --> 00:17:41,130
Oh, God, the promotion!
311
00:17:41,180 --> 00:17:43,010
I'll call back later.
312
00:17:43,060 --> 00:17:46,210
Fine, let's get out of
here. Go for a boozy lunch?
313
00:17:46,260 --> 00:17:48,020
But it's my putt!
314
00:17:53,380 --> 00:17:55,810
- How long have you had
that humped back? - Oh...
315
00:17:57,740 --> 00:18:02,170
That's nice ... affirmation, encouragement.
316
00:18:02,220 --> 00:18:04,250
You're not a child, Franny.
317
00:18:04,300 --> 00:18:05,820
I'm your child.
318
00:18:07,180 --> 00:18:10,730
Yes, it's funny, really. It's like
looking into a hall of mirrors.
319
00:18:10,780 --> 00:18:12,210
Agh!
320
00:18:12,260 --> 00:18:14,210
Always crap at sports.
321
00:18:14,260 --> 00:18:17,450
Maybe that's because you don't
like playing with balls.
322
00:18:17,500 --> 00:18:19,530
Stop, OK? You've got it wrong.
323
00:18:19,580 --> 00:18:21,770
How's wanting to talk getting it wrong?
324
00:18:21,820 --> 00:18:23,410
I am not gay, Mum!
325
00:18:23,460 --> 00:18:26,290
I don't care whether you're LBO or QTI.
326
00:18:26,340 --> 00:18:30,490
Everyone's gender liquid these days.
You can't hide from what's inside.
327
00:18:30,540 --> 00:18:32,650
Well, that's nothing.
328
00:18:32,700 --> 00:18:36,770
And there's never been
anything, inside or nearby.
329
00:18:36,820 --> 00:18:38,410
Really?
330
00:18:38,460 --> 00:18:41,450
You... you mean you've not...
331
00:18:41,500 --> 00:18:43,170
Not ever?
332
00:18:43,220 --> 00:18:45,610
Well, how can this be?
333
00:18:45,660 --> 00:18:49,450
Just... never happened for me, Mum.
334
00:18:49,500 --> 00:18:52,740
Oh, Franny, that's... that's...
335
00:18:54,460 --> 00:18:56,330
.. ridiculous!
336
00:18:56,380 --> 00:18:58,610
You're a virgin, you're 35!
337
00:18:59,660 --> 00:19:01,030
I mean, what...?
338
00:19:01,380 --> 00:19:03,370
Not now!
339
00:19:03,420 --> 00:19:05,770
Franny, I mean, seriously?
340
00:19:05,820 --> 00:19:11,810
Yes, I'm a virgin! A big,
fat 35-year-old virgin, OK?
341
00:19:11,860 --> 00:19:13,770
'Fran? Hello?
342
00:19:13,820 --> 00:19:16,770
- 'It's Nigel Merdon.' - Oh! - 'Hello?'
343
00:19:16,820 --> 00:19:20,010
- Oh, God! - 'Fran?' - Oh, shit!
344
00:19:20,060 --> 00:19:23,540
A virgin? I... I can't believe it!
345
00:19:25,500 --> 00:19:27,610
Well, of course YOU can't!
346
00:19:27,660 --> 00:19:30,530
You were the universal docking station!
347
00:19:30,580 --> 00:19:32,930
One size fits all!
348
00:19:32,980 --> 00:19:35,090
Are you saying this is my fault?
349
00:19:35,140 --> 00:19:36,530
If the Dutch cap fits!
350
00:19:36,580 --> 00:19:38,650
Well, it didn't, and
that's why you're here.
351
00:19:38,700 --> 00:19:40,730
What? I didn't ask to be born!
352
00:19:40,780 --> 00:19:42,490
Oh, that's right, blame the mother!
353
00:19:42,540 --> 00:19:45,090
Well, I can't do it, Mum! I can't!
354
00:19:45,140 --> 00:19:47,170
What are you saying?
355
00:19:47,220 --> 00:19:51,730
I can't do a trip down traumatic
memory lane. It's not fair!
356
00:19:51,780 --> 00:19:53,700
Life's not fair, Franny!
357
00:19:54,940 --> 00:19:58,570
It's so short, and there's
so much I want to do.
358
00:19:58,620 --> 00:20:01,450
It's always what you want to do!
359
00:20:01,500 --> 00:20:05,290
This is the first time you have
ever thought of me, and why?
360
00:20:05,340 --> 00:20:09,810
You want a chauffeur. You're
not even sorry, are you?
361
00:20:09,860 --> 00:20:11,650
You are never sorry!
362
00:20:11,700 --> 00:20:14,090
I'm sorry you've made a mess of things.
363
00:20:14,140 --> 00:20:16,090
You've ruined my career.
364
00:20:16,140 --> 00:20:17,570
You ruined my vagina!
365
00:20:17,620 --> 00:20:19,450
You ruined my life!
366
00:20:19,500 --> 00:20:21,690
You did that all by yourself.
367
00:20:21,740 --> 00:20:23,610
You can't putt,
368
00:20:23,660 --> 00:20:26,170
you can't fuck! What CAN you do?
369
00:20:26,220 --> 00:20:28,730
I can drive you to Dignitas!
370
00:20:28,780 --> 00:20:30,980
I... I didn't mean that! I...
371
00:20:56,460 --> 00:21:01,610
Oh, hi, it's Fran. Erm, someone
just briefly stole my phone.
372
00:21:01,660 --> 00:21:03,770
Don't know what you heard.
373
00:21:03,820 --> 00:21:08,140
Weird. Anyway, just wondering if
you had any news about the job.
374
00:21:09,380 --> 00:21:11,580
I-It's Fran, by the way. OK, bye.
375
00:21:13,300 --> 00:21:14,930
Oh...
376
00:21:14,980 --> 00:21:17,130
Which king died on the toilet?
377
00:21:17,180 --> 00:21:18,820
George II.
378
00:21:22,660 --> 00:21:24,610
You just won me a tenner!
379
00:21:24,660 --> 00:21:26,450
I should buy you a drink.
380
00:21:36,780 --> 00:21:39,210
Oh, OK, sure.
381
00:21:39,260 --> 00:21:41,010
Oh, I'm Dom, by the way.
382
00:21:41,060 --> 00:21:42,810
Aneurism.
383
00:21:42,860 --> 00:21:45,290
That's how George II died.
384
00:21:45,340 --> 00:21:47,300
I am called Fran.
385
00:21:49,300 --> 00:21:52,050
It's nice to talk to a
grown-up for a change.
386
00:21:52,100 --> 00:21:54,690
- Isn't it?
- I'm on me own with them, you see.
387
00:21:54,740 --> 00:21:56,410
God, me too!
388
00:21:56,460 --> 00:21:59,570
Why is it so difficult
just to communicate?
389
00:21:59,620 --> 00:22:01,810
Mm, they drive you mad sometimes.
390
00:22:01,860 --> 00:22:04,010
Why can't SHE be the adult for once?
391
00:22:04,060 --> 00:22:05,540
It gets easier.
392
00:22:07,180 --> 00:22:09,010
How old's yours, then?
393
00:22:09,060 --> 00:22:10,420
70.
394
00:22:13,180 --> 00:22:15,380
Mum, I shouldn't have s...
395
00:22:28,420 --> 00:22:30,050
Have you tried calling your mum?
396
00:22:30,100 --> 00:22:31,690
Yes, obviously.
397
00:22:31,740 --> 00:22:37,450
Look, OK, so she's this
tall and this wide.
398
00:22:37,500 --> 00:22:42,490
She's got curly hair, like mine but white.
399
00:22:42,540 --> 00:22:44,340
Erm, big eyes.
400
00:22:45,580 --> 00:22:48,930
Nose like this. Well,
you couldn't miss her.
401
00:22:48,980 --> 00:22:50,620
She's unique.
402
00:22:52,060 --> 00:22:54,490
Oh, that is actually quite good.
403
00:22:54,540 --> 00:22:57,260
Don't worry, we'll find her.
404
00:23:08,180 --> 00:23:10,410
'Fran Morganstein.
405
00:23:10,460 --> 00:23:13,300
'Fran Morganstein.
406
00:23:19,580 --> 00:23:22,330
Big enough gesture for you?
407
00:23:22,380 --> 00:23:24,170
Mum, where have you been?
408
00:23:24,220 --> 00:23:25,890
Village pub.
409
00:23:25,940 --> 00:23:31,050
I had a White Russian, a jumbo
sausage, and then I had an epiphany.
410
00:23:31,100 --> 00:23:33,410
Franny, I realised something.
411
00:23:33,460 --> 00:23:37,250
It's not that I CAN'T do it
without you, I don't WANT to.
412
00:23:37,300 --> 00:23:41,450
I know things haven't been
great between us but I can't
413
00:23:41,500 --> 00:23:44,570
change the last three
hours or the last 35 years.
414
00:23:44,620 --> 00:23:46,730
We can only go forward.
415
00:23:46,780 --> 00:23:49,770
Mum, I thought I'd lost you.
416
00:23:49,820 --> 00:23:52,170
I've got to make the days count.
417
00:23:52,220 --> 00:23:54,490
I want you to come with me, Franny.
418
00:23:54,540 --> 00:23:59,620
You're in a rut, dear, and I can't
die knowing you haven't lived.
419
00:24:00,620 --> 00:24:02,140
How did you get this?
420
00:24:04,180 --> 00:24:05,940
Payment in kind.
421
00:24:07,740 --> 00:24:10,770
- And I was very kind!
- Ugh!
422
00:24:12,300 --> 00:24:14,740
Oh. Oh, God!
423
00:24:16,500 --> 00:24:18,460
Hello? Yes.
424
00:24:20,940 --> 00:24:22,650
Oh, I see.
425
00:24:22,700 --> 00:24:24,890
External candidate. OK.
426
00:24:24,940 --> 00:24:26,860
Feedback?
427
00:24:29,340 --> 00:24:34,130
Actually, I can't. My mum's sick
and I need some personal time.
428
00:24:34,180 --> 00:24:37,780
- So I'll see you next term.
- And she won't be a virgin by then!
429
00:24:42,220 --> 00:24:45,130
We're intertwingled, you and I.
430
00:24:45,180 --> 00:24:48,420
After all, you came out
of my fanny, Franny.
431
00:25:00,540 --> 00:25:01,860
OK?
432
00:25:05,780 --> 00:25:10,860
So, no drugs, no brushes with
the law and no embarrassing me.
433
00:25:13,340 --> 00:25:15,930
Ha-ha! Woohoo!
434
00:25:15,980 --> 00:25:19,250
Carpe bloody diem!
435
00:25:19,300 --> 00:25:22,090
♪ Break another little bit
of my heart now, darling
436
00:25:22,140 --> 00:25:24,210
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
437
00:25:24,260 --> 00:25:29,890
♪ Have another little
piece of my heart now, baby
438
00:25:29,940 --> 00:25:35,300
♪ You know you got it, child
If it makes you feel good. ♪
31460
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