Original subtitles

Socrates…

STEP 1: FIND AN ISOLATED AREA

We're lost!

Shit, shit, shit! It's all your fucking fault, you illiterate.

- I said left curve. - It was a right curve.

- This says… - How dare you contradict me?

I was a five-time worldwide rally runner-up

when you were still the wet diaper runner-up!

Are you part of a plot to make me lose?

What?

Say: "I'm not an Illuminati."

- What? - You're one of them!

- I'm not an Illuminati! - Ok, ok.

I believe you. You're telling the truth.

Because your voice didn't quiver.

That's how I know someone's lying. I learned it in an online FBI course.

You should be proud. You did well under extreme pressure.

Like that girl being circumcised.

My stomach's killing me. It hurts when something's wrong.

She's insane, hitch-hiking out here. Ask her how to get back to civilization.

- No, no, don't stop. - You think it's an ambush?

I haven't spoken to a woman in over two years.

She's just a girl. Oh, you poor degenerate...

Fine, I'll do the talking.

Excuse me.

Ok, ok, you've convinced me. I'll take you anywhere you want.

I already lost anyway.

Watch it, boys.

What, you thought we were going to rape you?

Why is making love to me all women think about when they see me?

- Asshole! - Why's she insulting me

- if you were talking? - Don't piss her off.

It's your fault we'll miss out on a free good time.

Why wouldn't it work out between us?

So immature!

I'll get in just so you stop bugging me.

So, where will it be?

- You can't go where I'm going. - Is that a left or a right?

I can't give the exact address because nobody knows where it is.

It's not even on a map.

The legend says you can only arrive

after getting lost.

It's raining!

Shit!

Slow down!

What was that?

We're here.

Look at that.

There are Asians with asses.

I died in the accident and went to heaven.

I died too and now I'm in hell.

Wonderful, Miss. Wonderful.

Raise that chin, Rollergirl.

Your posture must be like a prayer.

Of course, He. You're such a tennis expert.

At last we meet, He.

Nobody knows anybody. Not even themselves.

And you are?

Jose. I follow you on Instagram.

No, you're Wonderbra and you've come to find happiness.

Any trouble finding us?

I got lost.

Yeah, we really need to get some signs.

Alright, Wonderbra.

Ask for L'Oreala, she'll show you to your bed.

Excuse me, what the hell is this place?

A scalene triangle!

The legend says that He can't tolerate ugliness.

If He sees an ugly person, his ear bleeds.

You, Lardo, get your ass…

Ass, ass!

…out of my "communitee".

If this is a "communitee"…

why are they all goddesses?

So now the guru can't choose what kind of community to create.

Go, He's bleeding out!

You're the worst thing to ever happen to me.

Don't mind us, we'll just be going.

Hurry up…

- This is a very dangerous cult! - A cult?

Community means conclave. Conclave means cult.

He called himself a guru.

Something might happen to her.

- We're abandoning her? - Yes.

What the hell kind of fucking joke is this?

Maybe I should drive?

Nené?

- Socrates? - Nené!

- De Bello? - Yes!

How did you find me?

Coinci... Destiny. I didn't know you were here.

I had a restraining order.

- But it expired. - You were 24, I was 12 and 3 months.

I was confused. My first girlfriend left me and I didn't calculate right.

It was your parents that turned you against me.

Hey, I didn't touch you. I promised I'd wait until you were 14.

I just ran my finger down your back.

Bad girl.

Nené! What are you doing here?

Nené! I still love you!

- Why did that ass call me ugly? - You know that tigress?

Oh, yeah. She was my second great love.

I read a magazine in Driver's Ed that said they're the worst. Well, are we going?

The blood will stain!

It's all that Lardo's fault.

Forget about that now. I'm right here.

That's all you need.

Perfection.

Symmetry.

Photoshop.

You're right. Thank you for answering my call.

You can go. But not too far, in case I...

In case Bonbon gets scared.

No more blood in your blessed ear.

- This won't work. - Shut up!

When I saw Nené with those shears,

I realized I would die for her.

I can't just leave her in the hands of that nut job with such bad taste.

Plus, I don't know how to get out.

So my only chance to free her is from the inside,

brainwashing her with cunnilingus.

I think it's going to sprinkle.

"It's just humidity from the pool." I feel my hair frizzing.

"Don't worry, my king, you're very sexy."

- Amen. - Hello!

Heart attack.

We are Sandy and Mandy. And our asses are always hanging out.

We've heard you can fix that, and we'd love to join your cul...

Community.

- Bastards! - You're jealous!

Lardo, He only accepts hot girls in his center.

The guy's smart, he's on to us.

Come on, if you accept me, you can do manly things with me.

Experiment.

And I won't tell the president of Spain

about your little setup and get it shut down!

I've seen the eyes and chests of your girls, they're radiant.

And I can only improve my figure

with your bloody ear reminding me who I am.

Alright, Lardo, let's see how far you're willing to go

to be a member of the center while we explain who we are.

And I dress you up.

He was actually a designer.

Some doorknob, right?

No, no, He was the enfant terrible of fashion.

There was no one like him. He threw the greatest parties.

One day, He was offered the chance to design large sizes

while making bank.

Being so generous and humble, He couldn't turn it down.

Go! But when He was fitting a model...

- A fatty. - …He ended up vomiting.

One night, trying to forget, He went too far with a spiritual leader

- and insulted a couple of… - Jews.

The fatty recorded everything

and caused quite the stir in the media, which crucified him.

Tired of that hypocritical society, He decided to turn his life around.

But He didn't know how.

That was when the it girl arrived at his agency.

Let's go.

At just 18, she was perfect, everything always matched.

Lardo, drop them.

- Right away. - Not those.

But she had just found out

her boyfriend was cheating on her and she had a breakdown.

- Lardo! - What?

Lower your glutes!

If not, they won't grow.

So one day, she told He

that she wanted sushi,

and then something that would change human history forever.

After that mess with my ex, getting a zit is just what I needed.

And He had a revelation.

He encouraged Miss to abandon the world,

forget about that off-white loser and go with him and other girls to a commune

to experience his revolutionary "theoree"

whose fundamental principle is that until we get over our internal trauma,

we won't radiate our full external "beautee"...

"Beautee"! "Beautee"!

...which is our main objective.

According to He's imagination,

20% of our beauty depends on genetics

and the remaining 80% on how happy we are.

Is that one of the new girls you mentioned?

What is Nené doing up to her eyeballs in shit here?

L'Oreala was a doctor and occasional model, as well as He's girlfriend.

He? But He is gay.

Isn't He gay?

He's just sensitive and effeminate.

She helped with all the logistics founding the center,

turning into his right hand. Left too.

Hey, how can you stand He making you repeat everything He says over and over?

Or always talking with his head turned? Well, when He remembers.

- You haven't realized? - What?

He's looking for his good side, the right.

It will be great for Wonderbra

when that zit disappears. What an embarrassing face.

So tell He your problem

and He'll tell you the "therapee" to follow

for it to disappear, Wonderbra.

Jose...

says it's from white chocolate. With cookies.

No, her voice quivered.

It's coming.

It's coming.

It came!

Wonderbra, you have a trauma

your brain forgot and it's making your life hell.

We'll help you remember it and overcome it.

Lady Gaga, Wonderbra is all yours.

Sounds like a blast.

One by one. Your turn, Co…

Where's the copilot?

I caught him trying to escape.

Petunias. I wanted to pick petunias in the field and…

Tie him up with the girl.

That way, if he misbehaves again, she can bite him.

You rat!

My copilot's problem is it's been more than two years

since he's talked to a woman.

It's coming. It's coming.

It came!

You, Copi, need a female friend without sex getting in the way.

I'll leave you with Miss,

the girl with the best areolas around here,

with regular supervision by my darling L'Oreala.

And to finish your "therapee",

an irremovable device that will keep you from running.

It's also a bomb that counts how long you talk to a woman.

If you don't talk for 3 minutes and 18 seconds in a week,

it will explode and we'll all die.

You're kidding, right?

I'm willing to climb in to the wheel of truth.

Since we're going to start with my therapy,

I just want to say I'm very happy.

I'm a five-time rally runner-up.

Today was my first competition after seven years.

I'm sure you've seen me on TV.

They were telling jokes about...

Copi!

Lardo, it hurts He's soul to have to tell you

that your problem is the opposite of everyone else.

You were born so ugly that your interior only affects 20%.

You're a mutant.

That's why I immediately decided

that Bonbon will try to make you an Adonis

with the help of aesthetics.

Does that mean I'm in?

That means that He

will only ask you this once.

Do you want to join my center?

Yes!

Do you want to join my center?

- Yes. - Do you want to join our center?

- Yes. - Do you want to join our center?

I said yes!

Do you want to leave our center?

- No! - Sorry, he didn't fall for it!

Do you want to join my center?

Yes.

Do you... want to... join my center?

Yes.

Alright, Lardo. Your wish is my command.

Now the three of you are officially welcome

in my Xanadu of the senses.

You are welcome to my technification center

for "beautee".

STEP 2: DISCOVER THE POSSIBILITIES OF YOUR SURROUNDINGS

I'm a renowned journalist, I shouldn't be covering sports!

Who cares if I didn't include the winner's name in my story?

He's Finnish and his last name is impossible to spell!

No, no, I'm the one firing you!

I thought I heard you're a journalist.

Are you from the competition here to offer me a job?

I accept. But I won't write obituaries!

No, I'm the number one fan of Socrates del Bello.

He's number two.

We wanted to say very strange things have happened in this rally.

Sounds like an exclusive. Spill, buddy.

Officially, they said he pulled out because of a puncture...

in his foot, but he didn't reach the end.

What else, asshole?

Before the rally, we got his autograph.

“S.O.S. Some Afro-Americans want to kidnap me."

I'd say he was playing a joke, but the president is right there.

Don't forget she and Socrates are cousins.

I think I'll destroy her, but first I'll make her sing.

Please stop whipping 180s on the track.

Sorry, sir, you can't come in here.

If your boss doesn't mind putting up with the cravings...

Sorry, I didn't know. The president's dealers.

- The president's dealers. - The president's dealers.

Your dealers.

- Finally. - Hey, smarty pants,

tell me right now why you're covering up your cousin's kidnapping

at the hands of an Afro-American terrorist group or I'll hang myself.

What?

What a scandal, the president's bodyguard is attacking

a renowned journalist!

Between you and me,

Socrates indeed never reached the finish line.

But believe me, I know my cousin,

and halfway through he may have decided to pick up hookers.

- What? - Exactly. To stop rumors from spreading

about his mental health, I chose to cover it up.

So forget about this ridiculous jungle bunny conspiracy.

- What? - What? I'm just talking like young people.

That way, I'll rise in the polls.

Or don't you colloquially say "beaners",

"chinks", "fucking towelheads"?

Fucking frogs.

It's because I'm saying it wrong, right, Right Hand?

- And that young man is recording it all. - Get that phone from that rat!

Posted!

Don't bother, like Anne Frank said.

He already told you it can't be removed.

Merci.

I've worked enough on the angle trisection problem for today.

So why don't we start your therapy? I have 12 free minutes.

Hooray!

Why don't we communicate in Rococo style?

I'll ask you a question and if you hit me once, it means yes.

If you hit me twice, it means no.

Alright, man.

Let's start. Have you been racing in rallies long?

No. Do you have other hobbies, like cockfights

or girls?

So have you ever had a girlfriend?

I mean after age eight.

Have you been in love, even with your mom?

I wasn't going to ask about virginity.

So you wanted to run away and abandon me here!

Stop, Lardo, that shampoo won't work for you!

Shit.

The temple soireé is starting.

You can't miss He in his element.

So blessed be those who pretend.

Always show your teeth, even if you're furious inside.

Beauty!

And be very careful with sincerity.

- Or would it be ok... - What's this?

- ...to tell your colleague... - You're looking chubby today!

Criticize them behind their backs when they can't hear you, never to their face.

Be fake!

Beauty!

Each one of you... Like those who say...

I don't like it from behind, it hurts.

The Grandson doesn't ask you eat through your sphincter,

only that you enjoy and let him enjoy!

Beauty!

Who is this grandson?

All the glands you'll exercise with the Greek god!

Beauty! Beauty! Beauty!

Because he is the ruler of the heavens for obedient girls,

lovely, lovely, which here on Earth

is our small and beautiful community.

He! He! He!

A pure satanic cult.

That asshole makes them take drugs that cloud their reasoning.

I'll sacrifice myself to see it first-hand.

In case we need proof.

Until you're 18, forget about it. Like you forgot about your trauma.

- What? - Go on, get lost.

Get lost.

Move over, move.

Drug addict and dealer.

Look what you've become thanks to this cult.

Don't you realize the only drug you need is Socrates del Bello…

Junior?

Sorry, honey.

Keep it up, Lardo.

The therapy is doing wonders for you.

You're cooler.

Still a moron, but cooler.

Confirmed.

Chasing the dragon. Top quality product from China.

A single hit can make you bipolar

and addicted to the cancan.

This is the best part.

There is a song.

A song written about something that may seem strange these days,

but something very idealistic and something I like.

It's a song written about fidelity.

Eternal fidelity at that.

It's a song that starts by saying…

There He goes!

I want to feel the heat of your skin

Never wake up

I want to live each second of you

- What's that asshole doing? - And enjoy

You're everything I imagined

I couldn't live without your love

You're the one to make me laugh

You're the one to make me glad

You'll come back, you'll come back, you'll come back

You'll come back to me and always be inside me

Our love will be a dream you'll never forget

I've always been faithful to the touch of your skin

Because I know you're mine

Mine and nothing else

You'll come back, you'll come back, you'll come back

Because I know you're mine

Mine and nothing else

- Here, here! - Me!

- Pick me! - Here, me!

Later.

Rave!

The orgy is about to begin, Copi.

I would love to mingle amongst them

and slyly touch their erogenous areas.

They couldn't tell my hands from theirs,

look at this manicure.

But I've got work to do.

I have to confirm a suspicion that will bring me closer to Nené.

If this goes well and turns into an orgy, my phone is on.

Don't leave me here alone!

Why were you looking at me?

Why were you… looking at me?

You're pathetic, here alone, drooling like a creep.

- At least dance. - No.

No like dancing.

Is this to make me feel inferior?

Then you'll ask me to dance so I'll think you really like me

and I'll blow you.

No way. Besides,

weren't you incapable of talking to a woman?

I'm talking to you because you still... a girl.

Maybe if I talk to you longer than three minutes...

Darn, I thought that was acid.

Dance with me, my sweaty little friend.

You don't have to talk to dance.

- No. - Yes!

Come on, use your wand.

He always speaks metaphorically.

L'Oreala said He used the Greek god to stimulate

our brain muscles using the classics.

- Greece. Capital: Athens. - Bonbon!

What do you want, little Lardo? I was learning.

I also want to learn more about the cult.

For example, if He slept with that Pipi Langstrum...

Right now I can only think metaphorically.

Tell me or I'll stop waxing my scrotum.

We'll see what you tell He.

Like He says, sex releases happiness "endorphimones".

Plus, each round burns 560 calories.

Gross, of course.

So, the grandson that prick was talking about...

He said his life would be the Third Testament.

If the New Testament, the second, was the son of God,

the third is about the grandson.

So that ass is cheating on Nené!

According to the Mayan calendar, identical to ours,

every 24 hours, He chooses a girl and gives her his gift.

But L'Oreala knows everything.

You'll come back to me

Things are getting messy.

He can choose two. What a pro!

STEP 3: FIND INSPIRATION FROM YOUR MUSE

Arabs and Latinos putting a price on my head

after my unfortunate remarks.

China threatening to organize bull fights for a euro.

And animal rights activists demanding my resignation

for using speciest language by calling that lizard a rat.

Those are who most worry me.

The polls confirm you've dropped 50%

among potential voters.

What can I do?

Apologize?

Well, maybe we can make them think

the recordings had cuts

and it was edited.

Edited?

Edited...

by the same people who kidnapped a national icon

like Socrates del Bello!

I'm not following, Madam President.

Which country would it be easiest to win a war against?

Costa Rica has no army.

- They have coconuts. - Andorra.

- I discount shop there. - Liechtenstein.

- That's not a country. - Ethiopia.

Bingo!

Come on, purify, get thin.

That's why today is the…

WEEKLY VOMIT DAY

Good, Copi, good.

Jihad, bring me some coffee to cover the taste of bile.

Any cream?

You don't think I can drink it black?

You're puking more than me. What will they think?

I don't understand why Nené lets He cheat on her.

That asshole has made them all his sex slaves.

How did He do it? I want that too.

According to you, the tigress is so good and trusting

that maybe she thinks the sex with the grandson is just a metaphor.

Was that you, Lardo?

I didn't know you could purify and get so thin.

The aesthetic no-operation was a success.

You finally have the fingers you've always wanted: even.

I think Copi has idealized women to such a point

that he's unable to get close to us because he thinks he's flawed.

Well, I'm no pinup girl.

If you only knew...

I'd better not tell you.

Come on, tell me. I'm your supervisor, you can tell me anything.

Like that time you spent three days crying because a man walked by

- and didn't look at your ass. - It was in Nepal. He was a Sherpa.

Alright.

I…

once re-wore a dress.

Your nose is growing, Miss.

I've never...

That's it! That's it!

Do it in front of everyone to look terrible and humiliatingly ridiculous.

You have to…

Sis!

I'd do anything for Copi… except that.

Plus, it was just a joke.

I'm funny, right?

- Sis! - What the hell are you doing here, shrimp?

What do you mean what am I doing?

I've traveled 100,000 kilometers with this Chinese guy I've never met

because I was worried about you!

Your friend Chollas told Dad that you were really weird one day

and decided to come here.

That day, this Chinese guy showed up at the house and thanks to Google Translate,

we realized he was looking for you.

Please, come home.

Since you left, Mom won't drink water.

And Dad won't paint landscapes, only bowler hats.

Maybe they'll help you figure out what happened and get over your trauma.

Jason was my son and today is his birthday.

If the four of us play a game, I swear on my clitoris I'll leave you alone.

The importance of smelling good…

They're all in the temple.

- Do we really have to do this? - Yes, Caviar.

There's no other solution.

What's this?

I don't get it, this should have knocked you out.

You should have lost consciousness!

And you still beat me in a fight?

I'll have to turn to hypnosis to get you in the car.

Happy?

I beat you. Now you and I are going to talk alone.

Friends, what you're going to experience is not for the faint of heart.

Those who are easily influenced,

you leave as well.

Alright.

I am only doing…

what L'Oreala told me to.

A giant chocolate cake!

Chocolate and foie gras.

Why would she show us a cake if she knows we can't eat it?

I've got it!

It's testing our commitment to the community and beauty.

That's it! My God, get that chalice of fine Swiss chocolate away from us!

- What the hell. I'm going to eat it. - What?

Me too, I'm starving.

I once got an abortion to maintain my figure.

And I'm not leaving a single crumb!

- Get back! - What's our idol doing?

I've got it again!

She's so perfect she doesn't want the girls to eat the cake and sin.

Good, Influencer, now rip out her eye!

Look, I'll eat half and you can have three fourths.

She's going to destroy it! That's it, down with temptation!

Make it disappear with the magic of your beauty!

She took it literally.

Miss…

Miss isn't perfect.

I'm sorry I resorted to violence to talk to you,

but you wouldn't agree if I got on my knees.

Like when you refused my marriage proposal, also on my knees.

- I was 12 and 3 months. - Yeah, but I wasn't.

Ok, I admit that you were the second biggest mistake in my life.

But we also had fun. We went to the fair, I taught you to play hockey.

And you got mad when I won.

Don't you get that that was all impure?

No, no. I know about doing impure things and that wasn't it.

I just ran my finger down your back.

Miss!

I don't know what you're doing here.

Is the outside world better,

with wars, savage capitalism, kids risking their lives on small boats?

I thought you'd say risking their lives on skates.

Let me go! It took years of therapy to forget your whispers!

- "Blossom." - I don't believe you forgot me.

Haven't you followed me on TV?

I heard about you being the runner-up.

I only saw one competition

and you made a tetraplegic lose 50,000 euros.

You and my stomach will be the end of me.

Go to the infirmary, I'll give you miraculous blue pills

recommended for assholes.

Ok, you've given me no choice, I'll just drop the bomb.

He's cheating with other girls.

I also let off steam with the other girls.

It's normal, I'm a model. That's my relationship with He.

You whore!

Let's see how you explain this to your happy world.

STEP 4: FIND FOLLOWERS AND AN OUTSIDE ENEMY THAT JOINS THE GROUP

Just an impartial host,

I didn't make such statements.

It was an Ethiopian.

If you don't believe me, I'll show you the video the intelligence agency

managed to uncover. Roll the tape!

Beaners, chinks, fucking towelheads.

Fucking frogs.

Chilling. And what might that mean?

It means my cousin was kidnapped by the Ethiopian government

to get a ransom from us.

To pressure me, they created this smear campaign.

They want 20 billion to release him.

I told them to find someone else

- to end hunger in their country. - As they should.

So listen closely, you savage Ethiopians:

you either release my cousin

or Spain,

Spain,

will go to war with you. Publicity!

Holy shit.

- That's horrible. - Yeah.

I'll never get used to my voice on tape.

But don't worry, I'm not mad about what you said. I'm a Buddhist.

I meant if we can just find Socrates,

the president will stop all this.

You don't buy her theory?

We were there talking to her, not an Ethiopian.

I didn't see it coming.

We have to comb the area where he disappeared

and figure out if he was really kidnapped or abducted.

Bullshit!

What we have to do is comb the area where he disappeared

and figure out if he was kidnapped…

or abducted. Right, Nancy?

Abducted by a couple Afro-American extraterrestrials.

That's it.

Don't try to talk.

It's a miracle you're alive. You were very lucky.

You call this luck?

The accident affected your face.

I saved what I could, like your nose,

but I can't guarantee what you'll look like.

Does she need mouth to mouth?

Although it deeply hurts He,

depending on how you look with the bandages off,

you can either stay at the center or c’est fini.

Someone please cover her back up before the off-white

destroys my eyes forever!

Poor Miss. It's the worst blow she could take.

No. Not knowing if she's disfigured or not gets me so hot.

When my punishment's lifted, I think I'll fuck her.

You...

Nené and I are on a break right now.

By the way, she knew He was cheating, but she's still hooked.

That's because He is using black magic.

To get her out of here,

I have to become the new He.

Nené will admire me and fall back in love with me. Brilliant, right?

Record. He's speechless. Stop.

Girls, Chinese dude, the game consists of spinning the bottle

and confessing to the person it lands on.

A secret.

This will help to uncover what's hidden in our subconscious.

- Where did you study psychology? - How about confessing lies?

- If there's no other option... - Sold.

Great! Making love to you is so quick.

Get up, get up, get up!

Strange, isn't it?

He sent you to me knowing you couldn't resist me.

If He loves you so much, why did He do it?

Maybe it was a bet?

And why would He insist that Miss is the perfect one

when you are much better, Bonbon?

- Because of euthanasia? - No.

Because of favoritism!

When He sings and looks at you, his face always changes,

as if you disgusted him.

He gives you more food to make you fat

to give him a reason to kick you to the curb.

Thanks.

- Hey, a gypsy! - A what?

Not just you, He'll kick all the girls out.

Because deep down, He set this up to fuck you over

because He hates pretty girls. He's a repressed gay

who learned his techniques from the worst gays:

Gorbachev, Sai Baba, Gandhi...

India. Capital: New Delhi.

And He makes you believe you're happy so later the fall will be harder.

- He's the worst son of a B there is. - Yes.

What He doesn't know is that with your help,

we'll be the ones fucking him over.

Give me a minute.

Come on, learn to communicate with each other.

It's the first step to contact an ET

that can use its advanced "technologee"

to delay our aging.

He, can I do telepathy with you?

Lardo only thinks about dirty things.

Fine.

But give me a hint what you'll be thinking.

I've got you.

What's that? You're a cryogenic Nazi...

What?

…who sold nuclear weapons to the Dalai Lama?

I think Bonbon has established telepathic contact with He's subconscious!

What? You'll soon be sending us home

and replacing us with transvestites?

Neither I nor my subconscious have ever thought that!

- Come back, Bonbon! - What's this about a dog and its nipple?

- A what's the melted cheese for? - Melted cheese?

He just hit a single woman!

No, I… I just wanted to wake her up.

Her telepathic connection must have been intercepted by a lying spirit!

What, nobody believes in lying spirits?

Or Kunta Kinte?

Forgive me, Bonbon.

Let's begin.

I…

I never fought with my dad on a daily basis.

So I never started going out with Lee, a Chinese guy,

to hurt him.

I never surprisingly fell in love with Lee

or lost my virginity and a coin purse to him.

But since I didn't manage to piss him off enough,

I never went and flirted with my Chinese boyfriend's Chinese dad.

And I never cheated on my boyfriend with this guy here,

who went nuts and wanted to eat his own hand

after what happened to his...

Lee never found out about me cheating.

That's why Lee…

never killed himself.

That reminds me of a story.

Quiet, shut up!

He never killed himself on the way to school,

without stopping at the ice-cream stand and getting hit by a school bus.

Then

it was an accident, not suicide.

It would have been if he'd stopped for ice-cream

like always. But if he didn't stop,

it means he wanted to jump in front of the bus ASAP!

That's why…

I never want to die.

Snot.

It's clear He's primitive essence is starting to come out.

I suspect that Grandson is actually

Satan himself.

Why are you on that podium?

Podium? Dodium? Lodium? Urbodium?

Nothing makes sense to me anymore.

It's the only place in the center

where you can't see your reflection in a mirror.

I came to see if you wanted to come with to light this candle for my grandfather

so he performs the miracle of maintaining your perfect face.

But here,

you are the only goddess. So...

I think He wants to perform a satanic ritual with Miss.

Goddess, I ask that you continue to be perfect

or my world will go to hell.

Amen.

Not being able to see your perfection has made me lose my balance.

Amen.

Perhaps my mistake was looking for beauty

in something fleeting like humans. Amen.

Perhaps true beauty is in objects

like that table... that's red.

Or in the flame of this candle. Shit, that's hot!

He's burning the commune! Run!

No, no, no!

Back you pyromaniac!

Take me, I'm yours!

Are you ok, Miss?

Did He harass you or masturbate in front of you?

You scum!

- No, she said no. - Exactly.

He normally masturbates when He's alone with us.

But now that she's a monster...

If this happens again, you're out of here, degenerate.

You can't kick me out of my own home.

Or do you all agree with Lardo?

Right now, yes. A while ago, no.

Who's telling us what to think now?

- Me! - This can't be.

Are you ok, Miss?

Should I masturbate?

Just to raise your self-esteem.

Poor girl's a mess.

He hit her with those hooked knuckles.

And He tried to burn the center, by day!

It's Miss… by day!

Miss… went to great lengths for you to get over your problem.

So she told me her secret.

She could never resist a chocolate and foie gras cake.

If you found out, you'd realize not all women are perfect.

But she couldn't tell you and I made sure you all found out to help you,

not because I was jealous of her.

Now something tells me you are the only one who can help her.

What?

Guys! I used to teach deaf-mutes.

Maybe I can understand you and translate.

Nope, no clue.

Hey, I also used to teach retards.

Maybe now.

This is ridiculous?

You got it!

Now I've seen it all... What did you want to tell me?

That I'm just some nobody.

But you can give her the love and understanding her housemates won't.

And will you give that idiot Socrates love and understanding?

For the fifth year, del Bello came up short for the world championship.

Some bad luck has once again kept him from winning,

making him the butt of rim jokes.

There he is!

What happened?

I was about to finish and a goat ran out.

That's the second time the same goat has run out on me.

- There are no goats in Copenhagen! - A lemming maybe?

It's a worldwide conspiracy to keep me from taking first.

Winning means being an opinion leader,

which means credibility to unmask

those controlling the sport!

But I beat them.

This time I killed the goat!

Tonight, we're having roasted goatfish.

That's actually just a fish, but anyway…

Any words for those who say so many near wins are affecting your head?

They're the crazy ones.

But I'll warn them

that I've trained,

I'll remember each of your faces.

I'll remember each of your license plates.

There are no goats in Copenhagen, dammit! There never have been!

Why would they put a goat in Copenhagen?

It cost a kidney's worth of witch doctors to get rid of the curse

in case that was why.

Those witch doctors, who were also seers,

told me I'd soon win back the second love of my life.

Is that true?

No.

So you didn't follow me, huh? You disconnected from me.

I have an alert every time a video of you pops up.

I was looking through them.

I got chills seeing what you did on that cooking show.

I didn't know you had Wi-Fi.

He banned computers so we aren't contaminated by the outside world.

But you know I'm a bad girl.

I'll fight for you.

Today, I planted the seed.

Tomorrow will be the final leg. I'm going to win this race, Nené.

I admit that despite everything, we had our moments.

But Jack the Ripper has a better chance with me than you do.

Your voice quivered.

What?

Nothing, it's just me.

STEP 5: COLLECTIVE CATHARSIS AND THE FINAL SACRIFICE

Where are you, Madam President?

Public opinion is going nuts with the war proclamation.

We're getting non-stop calls from Washington, Berlin, even your hairdresser.

I needed to get away from it all, so I'm in my usual spot.

What? Holy shit!

Since they know I always duck out,

no journalist will ever look for me here.

And definitely not my hairdresser. He never leaves the salon.

How are the polls?

Your lies won over the military

and the most patriotic sector. You're up five points.

But the rest of the country hates you even more.

Five points?

I bet if we win the war, my popularity will explode like champagne.

Do you really want to go to that extreme?

Millions of innocent people will die.

I have a wife and two neighbors.

Nobody is innocent in this life, Right Hand.

So if they haven't released Socrates by 12 p.m. today...

Boom.

How can they release him if they don't have him?

That's not my problem!

Madam President…

Boom.

Don't you want to see me?

I can at least talk a little.

Your therapy is working, Doctor Miss.

So not even you see me as a woman,

only an imperfect monster.

You know what?

To be perfect, it's best for the rest of your body to match.

What do you mean? Perfection is impossible!

It should be!

Then I wouldn't have dropped that spoon

and my boyfriend wouldn't have cheated on me!

Eyes to match!

Oh God, no!

Always remember they once called me Miss.

Can I tell you something not even the priest at catholic school knows?

Father Damian.

I...

inside this pitiful body…

also have a small flaw.

I, inside this pitiful body...

Thanks, but she understood me.

- I'm fired just when it gets good? - Out!

Ungrateful stutterer…

What's your flaw?

I, Copi...

have testicles that are disproportionately large for my legs.

I don't believe you,

you're just trying to make me feel better.

See? And it's fine.

Well…

I…

have one boob that's lower than the other.

I don't believe you, you're just trying to make me feel better.

It's true, you have one boob that's lower than the other.

But they're the most perfectly imperfect boobs

I've ever seen.

You asshole!

Go to hell, buddy. Take a right up there.

That's how you talk in rallies, right? Get lost, buddy.

Why does she hate me so much?

Copi, you still have a lot to learn about women!

Shit, I forgot about the device. There's 20 seconds left.

- How long have I been talking to you? - I don't know!

I told you about the secret no one knows,

then my pitiful body and my weird balls.

Thirty seconds.

We got naked, I saw your boobs.

One minute, ten seconds.

We hugged, I got hard, Wonderbra interrupted.

Oh, Wonderbra… Two minutes, five seconds.

Plus this time I've been talking.

Crap.

What the...

Don't tell me you bought my bomb metaphor.

You're dumb.

Then why did the alarm go off when I tried to run?

And why was it irremovable?

It must have coincided with the bell to go to temple.

The irremovable thing was all in your head. It's just an old lock.

It is indeed irremovable. You'll wear it to the grave.

In any case, congratulations. You're cured.

Now I'm the sick one.

I suppose I should be happy after all this.

What?

What?

Now, after

seeing you naked, I'm the one stuttering.

Do your muscles feel more relaxed for the final leg?

After tonight, He will wish He'd been born in an aquarium.

Aquarium, aquarium.

I've got a plan B anyway.

Where did you get that?

The center's black market. With luck, you can get off-season bikinis.

Control yourself or you'll screw up the plan.

- Massage me with your boobs. - With both of them?

Yes.

Oh, much better.

Wonderbra, I think there's a note for you!

"Wonderbra, I'll meet you in the art gallery at six.

Signed..."

God?

Why are you hiding there, He?

No! I'm Danonina!

Is this because of what happened yesterday with Bonbon and that silly fire?

I've failed them! What if I'm not actually the chosen one?

Or I'm only a little chosen.

Come on, He. No one can handle the pressure of dozens of girls

and two rally drivers with no sense of aesthetics

devoting their lives to you without any mistakes.

But you're still their beacon. They need you.

Sing "You'll come back" tonight like never before

and you'll regain their trust.

Do you really think that or are you laughing under your breath?

I still believe in you. You're handsome.

You're right.

You're right, you're right.

You'll come back!

I'll show them this beacon can still guide humanity

through its darkest nights.

But first, tell me…

Has my suffering given me a wrinkle on my bad side?

Your skin's still soft as a baby's bottom.

I love you too, L'Ore.

By the way, is such a kitsch Band-Aid legal?

I know.

Perhaps you have cancer and give yourself morphine injections for the pain

and then cover it up so we won't find out?

A ten for imagination.

It wouldn't be a stretch mark, would it?

A ten for sixth sense.

Why are you doing this to me?

- What's going wrong in your inner life? - Age is a cruel mistress.

I turn 35 today.

And it looks like there's no surprise party.

Can't you see you're forcing me to kick you to the curb?

Excuse me?

The rules are clear: girls in the community can't have stretch marks.

They aren't pretty. And they could become popular.

I might have to set an age limit.

The maximum will be 35.

I can't see myself rubbing cream on an old bag in my pool.

After everything we've been through together,

even that tax thing,

- that's your final word? - No! My final word is…

Fine. I'll take the bandages off Miss

and pack my bags so you can kick me to the curb.

No, no. Try to communicate telepathically with the stretch mark.

Disappear, disappear.

L'Ore! L'Ore, don't go!

Don't leave me like this, I'll have a heart attack!

It's coming, it's coming!

God?

Is this a good time or should I come back later?

I'm just giving you what you want.

Welcome to the gates of heaven.

I can't let you in until you're cleansed of all sins.

I am, however, offering you an opportunity.

Tell that ex of yours what you couldn't tell him in life

and earn his forgiveness as well as mine.

Is that you, Lee?

- Yes. - Jesus, you learned Spanish!

Well, I wanted to tell you that…

since you've been gone,

there isn't a moment I haven't thought about you

and the pirouettes you did on the tatami.

But you know what, selfish ass? You ruined my life by killing yourself.

Nothing justifies suicide! I would know...

because I thought about it many times.

Four times.

So besides asking your forgiveness…

I ask that you let me forgive myself too.

One more thing.

Do you know where I left my khaki pants?

The gates of heaven are open to you...

What?

…but it will be a long time before you enter, sis.

Yes!

Go to hell, you fucking bitch!

- Sis! - Get her off me! Get her off me!

“When making love, I'm too accommodating with my partner."

- That's right, isn't it? - Yes.

Until you break your arm and get a cast,

- you don't have room for more defects. - I bet you tell all the girls that, silly.

It's time, Miss.

It will be ok.

Just remember that if worse comes to worst,

some guys are more interesting with scars.

What about women?

Let's see.

I'm a monster, right?

You're... exactly the same. Not a single scar!

Huh?

I can see thousands.

And I'm fatter!

It's just... Lipoweski syndrome.

You spent so long thinking you'd have scars

that your subconscious makes you see them.

Don't worry, you'll soon see what you really look like.

You mean I'm being controlled, like Copi with his device?

Textbook Lipoweski!

It's impossible for you to have scars because the accident

never caused any damage.

Then why did you bandage me?

I had to prepare you for when you aren't young and beautiful.

I see you passed the tes...

You never read the science books?

Not even the mushroom ones? Honey...

I just memorized the title and number of pages.

Since all that matters... mattered in my world were appearances.

My happiness was a rhythmic hair flip.

Thanks for the lesson, bitch.

You're welcome, Lipoweski.

- She's coming... - Copi!

I'm so happy for you!

I'm talking to you and you're still the number one beauty!

I couldn't be happier. And now it's your turn to be happy too.

Right now? I left the stove on.

I'm finally free to accept

that I'm in love again, oh yeah.

In love with a guy a thousand times more imperfect than me.

These past few days by your side, I've discovered

that not all men are the same.

What do you mean? I'm the same as everyone else.

Come on, you're not alone anymore.

It's true, I'm in love... with Lady Gaga!

With L'Oreala!

With Caviar?

Bonbon, Socrates, Wonderbra.

I saw how you looked at Wonderbra.

- You did? - Yes.

So it's clear that I'm in love with that girl?

When it comes to love, she's light years ahead of you.

You don't need to constantly remind me.

What I don't get is why she was the only one

I could talk to.

Like He says, life isn't just cut and dry.

Well, that's not his best line.

So, do you think I should take a chance with Wonderbra?

Yes.

No?

So you and I…

Do you still have your M-A-R-K?

Don't think about that now. It's my final "You'll come back"

and I want to enjoy it.

Go, get out there and show them all who you are.

Ok.

There is a song.

A song written about something that may seem strange these days,

but something very idealistic

and something I like.

It's a song written about fidelity.

Eternal fidelity at that.

It's a song that starts by saying…

I want to feel the heat of your skin

Never wake up

I want to live each second of you

And enjoy

What?

I want to fly and for my mind to feel free...

Lardo's time has come.

I want to go back to that book I invaded, extracting its honesty…

Women are won over with humor.

Immortal…

He's insane.

No answer will shut me up

I can disappear, I can make them explode

Endure their truth

In my bag

There's a pair of balls and a cannon…

Socra…

What are you looking at, asshole?

I could ask the same about you, doodoodoo!

Of all the hot girls in the center,

why do I have to look at you, Wonderbra?

And I come to an all-girl commune so I don't fall in love again

and destroy anyone's life, but I fall in love at first sight.

Dammit, why am I so turned on by sweaty guys?

What do I do now?

Get involved with some girl who will try to dominate... and fuck me?

This ends here if I'm not behind the wheel and you're the Copi... lot.

You fall in love and finally grow a pair. I hate you so much, weirdo.

I hate you more, an... al.

There!

I don't want to meet your dad under any circumstances.

He's dead.

That's perfect.

- You bit me. - Get used to it.

My name is Socrates del Bello

and I've come to the cult to end you.

But why? We were happy!

You're right.

But I wasn't!

Now I am. You are all welcome to the new and improved cult

of Socrates del Bello, called…

Called...

Holy shit.

Beautylism!

Are you with me, beauties?

Call me "Me"!

What will you do when you realize that ridiculing He

and leading a cult still doesn't make you happy, Me?

Leave them with running mascara?

No. Me doesn't do those things.

You've run all your life,

racing cars at stoplights that didn't even know they were racing.

The problem wasn't that you had bad luck and couldn't win.

Let's not discuss that, dear.

Or that women only approached you because you're famous.

Got you!

I loved it, they screamed louder if they knew I was famous.

The problem has always been you.

That's why you stayed here, another in-demand girl.

And you've managed improvements here that I never thought you would.

Your smile is back, like the day at the zoo,

without riding a fucking dolphin.

You say “ha!” like you mean it.

And your stomach doesn't hurt.

That's true.

Ever since you gave me those blue pills for assholes.

A placebo more harmless than water.

But most importantly,

you made an effort, to the point of leading a commune just to please me.

And you did it for something you never thought you'd feel.

What was it?

Love!

I know you aren't cured, but as strange as it seems,

I know you will be.

That's because I…

I must be really sick.

Because I love you too, asshole.

I have since I met you at 12 years and 3 months old.

And although I've fought it my whole life…

I need you with me.

And even more now that I'm leaving.

Why?

I got a stretch mark and He can't have that here.

I'm getting old, Socrates.

But I promise not to leave a trail of Post-its to say "I love you".

Nené,

I…

I know I've made a lot of mistakes.

Like when I quit racing and started that brief wrestling career.

They called me "the Masked Bello".

Then I tried to kill myself.

My autobiography comes out this September.

I returned to racing for a distraction.

I know I'm not a damn sunset and

that I still wouldn't make you happy.

But... but

I can't be selfish and...

and ask that you and I…

L'Ore, no!

Kill yourself.

- That's impossible. - What?

You caused everything I just felt

with your cultish manipulation techniques!

- What? - Happiness doesn't exist for man!

Happiness means lies, lies mean abomination.

Happiness is an abomination.

- No! - You wanted me to join your tribe.

You tricked me, you don't love me! You bitch!

You bitch! You bitch!

Kill yourself.

Socrates!

Kill yourself.

Kill yourself.

Nobody loves you.

Nobody loves you.

Nobody loves you.

Kill yourself.

Nobody loves you.

- What are you doing? - Quick, before they kill us!

I'm staying.

How dare you contradict me, copilot?

I'm not your copilot anymore.

If you were smart, you'd take the tigress

and set up a commune branch somewhere else.

The whole world needs to experience this.

The cunnilingus of your brain is complete.

I can't do anything to save you.

Kill yourself.

Nobody loves you. Kill yourself.

My vengeance is underway.

If all goes well, humanity as we know it will be saved.

Now I must run.

Where the hell is he?

It's the sirens. I can't listen to their singing.

You really love him, right?

Not like you love me.

More than anything, He.

I love that paranoiac more than anything.

Socrates!

Socrates!

"Lady Gaga, add black market Peruvian broccoli

to the chasing the dragon. Signed: L'Oreala."

Nobody loves you. Kill yourself.

Kill yourself.

Socrates! Socrates!

Socrates!

Although it kills me

that you prefer him over me,

let me just say...

if it's true love, Lardo will come back.

Is that your sixth sense talking?

All the romantic comedies I've seen are telling me.

This isn't a romantic comedy. And cults never end well.

This is a technification center.

Anyway, you have to have a happy ending.

So tonight, I'm putting on the great show I've spent months

secretly planning.

So secretly that sometimes even I didn't know.

It's the best way to regain the girls' trust

and give you your goodbye.

He, I can't think about that, I'm worried about that asshole.

Don't talk back, I'm still your leader.

So repeat after me: Lardo will come back.

Lardo will come back.

Lardo...

Will come back.

We're finally free!

What are you doing here?

Go off with your cult!

As I was using you, I thought about making you my geisha,

but someone with that hair

is nothing but a giant bitch.

Why would you say that?

So I can hate you. Go on, get out, I'm stopping.

Close the door!

We've spent two days looking for Socrates

and found nothing.

We only have a few minutes!

Relax, Snoopy.

I'll be damned if there's not an alternative.

I called my aunt,

the best medium at the Vatican,

- to help us. - When is she coming?

Hello, miss medium.

How will she figure out Socrates' whereabouts?

Calling on spirits, going into a trance, screaming really loud?

Recent tire tracks.

It must be our guy. Let's follow them.

My aunt is a very realistic medium.

Shit, it's full. Let's see what I can erase.

Where the hell is he?

It's the sirens. I can't listen to their singing.

You really love him, right? Not like you love me.

More than anything, He.

I love that paranoiac more than anything.

I love that paranoiac more than anything.

More than anything.

Paranoiac, huh?

She said she loved me without knowing I was listening.

I have to go back before it's too late,

before she's gone forever.

When your cheeks catch a glimpse of me

I'm overcome by your smile

And I can't breathe

I always keep

Your scent in a paper bottle...

Back again, Satan?

You won't beat me this time, this is going to be my best time ever.

I have something to fight for now.

I beat you! I beat you! I humiliated you!

I just sent the shrimp home, along with Fu Manchu.

Careful he doesn't fuck her too.

Well, today you'll let me, right?

I smoked twice as much on nights out.

When you win the war, you need to be generous.

Did you notice your "tumor" is gone, Jose?

I prefer Wonderbra.

Go on!

You're more handsome than ever.

We'll have quite the three-way.

I always keep

Your scent in a paper bottle

Today, I remember your touch

Like petals that break when they fall

And the wind that carries them away

Returns the aromas that brush against my skin

I see you overcame your problem with off-white.

My darling,

you have been the true leader of this commune.

Let life smile upon you. You deserve it.

You deserve it, you deserve it.

Thank you, girls.

I've never seen so much "beautee".

Say it with me.

Amen.

Amen!

No!

No!

The lethal combination of chasing the dragon and Peruvian broccoli

I learned from YouTube and tried to kill myself with,

but was too scared to take,

worked this time. They're all dead.

Nené!

Nené!

No! No!

She's gone forever.

I'm late again.

Three…

I'll have to join the party.

Two…

Socrates del Bello?

One…

What the hell happened here?

Posted.

Zero…

Shit! No, we can't fuck here, it's taken.

By the way, your cousin Socrates del Bello was found alive.

- What? - So where are we going to fuck?

STEP 6: ACHIEVE IMMORTALITY

The judge finally lifted the block

to remove the bodies. It smells ripe in there.

Maybe that's why I couldn't get it up in there.

See anything we can swipe?

Besides those boobs?

Mamma mia.

Where do those models keep the coke?

If we don't take this...

If I give it to your sister, maybe she'll even blow me.

Look at this, Rico!

The teriyaki? Amazing. Yes, yes.

Are we rolling?

A cult, not Ethiopia.

And the five-time rally runner-up,

after 48 hours in a state of shock,

has finally shared details to clear up his strange disappearance…

…as well as the death of 44 beautiful women,

one with scars, and two men in the cult where he was held.

As corroborated by the journalist who found him,

a dangerous beauty-worshipping cult led

by former fashion enfant terrible Serafín Bubu, a.k.a. He,

captured him for being the most handsome man alive.

According to Socrates, seeing him and not measuring up

depressed them so much that they committed collective suicide

wearing special clothes for the occasion.

Thanks to the techniques learned at Mossad,

del Bello made them believe he had killed himself

though he only put his body in a catatonic state.

With this discovery, Spain is ending the war

it had planned against Ethiopia, and our detested president…

…who dined and ditched on me just the other day,

was forced to resign.

Socrates' first statements after recovering have been

that he wants to forget it all...

...and that next,

after winning the Nobel Peace Prize,

he will dedicate himself to what he does best: racing.

Fucking hero.

Can you believe that bitch?

After saying she loved me, turns out I was right.

It was all a lie.

When I was in the hospital, I played Nené's recording backwards

and I heard satanic phrases in foreign tongues

that said they just wanted to trick me to keep spreading

their cultish ideals across the Earth.

That's why I'm glad I killed them all.

This experience has made me stronger so I can become

the world rally champion.

I won't get lost, I just have to follow the applause

and the crowd's cheers at every corner to see me

and applaud me.

After a lifetime of searching, I've finally found my path.

My path, my path, my path.

Subtitle translation by: Megan Mundt