All language subtitles for A Series Of Unfortunate Events S01E08

I've called every town,
business and bus stop

within 100 miles of Lake Lachrymose,
and no one has seen the Baudelaires.

I'm finished, Eleanora!

If I hadn't lost those orphans,
I'd be getting a promotion right now.

Mr. Tamerlane is gonna fire me
at any time.

That's him! Pick it up!
No, don't pick it up!

Answer it! Hang up!

No! Yes! No...

Get a hold of yourself!

Poe speaking.

Poe, this is Tamerlane.

I've received orders
that I can't let you go.

But if you don't find those orphans,
I'll make sure you end up

handing out cannoli to incontinent adults
on the new accounts desk.

- Am I clear?
- Yes, Mr. Tamerlane, yes.

Take it off.

- No.
- Take it off.

No!

No, please.

No, don't make... No.

Call me when you've found those orphans.

Leave it to me, Artie.

Before I was editor in chief
of the Daily Punctilio,

I cut my teeth
as an investigative journalist.

Oh.

It's time I got back to my roots.

"Seeing in black and white"

is a way of saying
that a person looks at the world

in a manner that is oversimplified
and often incorrect.

Like many newspapers, the Daily Punctilio
is printed in black and white,

and its look at the world
is oversimplified and often incorrect.

The death of noted scientist
Dr. Montgomery Montgomery

was not due to snake allergies.

The destruction
of Josephine Anwhistle's home

was not the work
of a cabal of real estate agents.

Lemony Snicket is not dead.

I am sorry to say
that there was not a terrible accident

at the Lucky Smells Lumbermill
during the Baudelaires' time there.

There were two.

It is my duty
to report these events correctly,

the way they actually happened.

But if you prefer to look at the world
in black and white,

then you should avert your eyes
or pick up a newspaper instead.

Because I know the shocking truth
behind the accidents

at the Lucky Smells Lumbermill,
and I can assure you...

it's better if you can't see.

- Thank you. I can see.
- Well, of course you can.

I'm an excellent optometrist,
no matter what the medical board says.

Well, hello, little girls.
What are your names?

You know our names, and that wig
and that lipstick don't fool us.

I don't know
what you're talking about.

I'm Dr. Orwell's receptionist.
My name is Shirley.

- You mean Shirley Count Olaf?
- Actually, my last name is St. Ives.

It says so on my name tag, see?

- What have you done to Klaus?
- You were right.

These children are horribly impolite.

They really should be more careful,
Dr. Orwell.

If they were to do something impolite
to me, like, for example,

call me by the wrong name,

I would have to do something
impolite to them,

like, for example,
tear their hair out with my bare hands.

Cookie?

What's all this?

I don't pay you in gum
to stand around gabbing!

Oh, hello, children.

I hope you're having a nice visit
with the optometrist.

Charles, you have to listen.
This woman is a notorious villain.

- And she's not a woman.
- Nonsense!

Dr. Orwell has provided free eye exams
to Lucky Smells employees for years.

And there's nothing villainous
about free healthcare.

Clearly she's a woman.
Look at her pantsuit.

I'm surprised at you, Baudelaires.

Women can be doctors
just as men can be receptionists.

I'm talking about the receptionist.

Hi, I'm Cookie. Shirley?

- I'm Shirley. Cookie?
- Don't mind if I do.

Did you consider our little proposal?

- What proposal?
- It doesn't concern you, Charles.

Doesn't concern me? I'm your partner.

I... I haven't seen you in my chair.

- I have excellent vision.
- Well, vision changes.

Just as I suspected. Cloudy, dull.

- What color is this newspaper?
- Hmm, black and white?

And color-blind, too.
You must come see me right away.

Can't have a cloudy, dull-eyed partner.
How would you make my omelets?

Now, ladies, would you like a ride?

Handsome and a gentleman.

Pleasure.

Let's go, Charles.

Hur-rah!

What a nice lady.

Lucky Smells visiting hours are over.

Get back to work!

Yes, sir.

Lucky boy,

would you like to turn on
the stamping machine?

Yes, sir.

Klaus?

I wish I knew.

There's nothing to worry about.

Your brother is smiling.

He would never operate a machine
without reading the manual first.

He's operating it perfectly.

You're doing great, Klaus!

Move as fast as you can
and then move faster!

Count Olaf and Dr. Orwell
did something to Klaus.

He's not himself.

One moment he's normal, and the next...
he's like a zombie.

I saw a scary movie like that once.

Was it Zombies in the Snow?

What? No.
It was Hypnotists in the Forest.

To be honest with you,
I didn't really get it.

But I loved the fact
that it was in black and white.

Focus, lumber minions!

Did you just say "hypnotists"?

Cheer up. I'm sure that if you look
on the bright side...

Look on your right side!

Get out of the way!

Code red! Code red!

Get out of the way!

Whoa!

Ah!

They won't stop coming, Dolores.

They're like zombies, only different.

I'm afraid they've been...

hypnotized.

Many people think hypnosis
is only in scary movies.

Dolores, avert your eyes!

But, Dolores, no!

Those people are wrong.

The Encyclopedia Hypnotica
tells of a woman who,

whenever she'd hear the word "omelet,"
would cluck like a chicken.

What are you doing?

And a man who,
upon hearing the word "Nero,"

could suddenly play an instrument
he'd never studied.

Dolores, put down that violin!

The Encyclopedia Hypnotica
does not mention the fatal accident

that happened during the Baudelaires' time
at Lucky Smells Lumbermill.

"Fatal" is a word here which means
"caused the death of one person who...

it is my solemn duty to inform you...

was not Phil."

- We're here for you, Phil.
- Come on.

- You're gonna be all right.
- Bear down now, Phil.

I'm okay!

Code red! Code red! Code red!

- Code red! Code red!
- What's going on out there?

Code red!

It's too heavy! It won't budge!

I was saving that for later.

- Oh!
- Oh, boy!

Half-price pedicures for life!

If somebody can help me up to my foot,

I'm pretty sure I'll be able
to get back to work.

You need to go to a hospital.

We earned those coupons last month.
50% off Ahab Memorial.

Uh, two of us will chip in.

- We'll get your leg fixed up.
- It can't be fixed.

Oh! I wouldn't say that.

I mean, Phil's leg
is going to need some...

eh... help.

But, uh, we're fortunate that, uh,
the damage wasn't worse.

Wasn't worse?
The debarker dispenser is destroyed.

- Who's responsible?
- Klaus Baudelaire caused the accident.

He said he knew
how to operate heavy machinery.

- That's not true.
- Well, now I know that.

I meant it was a mistake.

Excuses, excuses.
Just like your parents.

They burnt down the town,

and now you've come back
to finish the job.

Sir, be reasonable.

Perhaps we should reevaluate
our safety procedures.

Or perhaps we shouldn't let children
near dangerous machines.

I got a better solution.

One more mistake, Baudelaires,
and I'm gonna send you away

to a place where you'll learn
the value of discipline and child labor.

As it happens,
I have just the place in mind.

Now get back to work!

This mistake has cost me
an inordinate amount of money.

It was an accident.
Klaus didn't mean to hurt Phil. I know it.

I'm sorry. When Sir gets like this,
there's nothing I can do.

So you're just gonna do nothing?

If you can't speak up for us,
at least speak up for yourself.

You're right, my dear.
I've been a silent partner for too long.

And this mill...
it has too many secrets.

It's time you learnt one
about your parents.

Charles?

- Meet me after lunch in the library.
- You can't tell us now?

Well, I would,
but I've got an appointment.

I don't understand.

Everyone is staring at me
like I'm a pariah.

"Pariah" means "outcast."

Klaus, it's you.

- What happened to Phil?
- I'm okay.

We need to talk.

If the world ever feels confusing,

as if people are having secret meetings
to plot against you behind your back,

it's useful to know they are.

And the odd behavior of Klaus Baudelaire

could be traced to a secret meeting
that happened not long after

the Baudelaires arrived
at Lucky Smells Lumbermill.

Like most things from the past,
it's best seen...

in black and white.

We have a good deal, you and I.

You provide a steady stream of employees
for me to practice my craft,

and I send them back
after I've fixed how they see.

Frankly, I never thought weekly eye exams

would have such an impact
on employee morale.

Oops! I dropped a pen on the floor.
Would you mind helping me look for it?

Does he really not know
how you make his workers so compliant?

Doesn't know, doesn't want to know.

He gets free labor,
we split the profits 50-50.

You're terrible, and I love it.

Found it.

You said you had some business to discuss.

Actually, my receptionist
has a story to share.

It's okay, Shirley.

My name is Shirley.

I'm a poor receptionist
who lives all alone

and wants very much
to raise children of her own.

Alas, the helter-skelter life
of a working girl

has left me no time to find a partner,

and the cruel reality
of adoption economics

has left me unable to purchase
even the runtiest of orphans.

And so I wait and work...
and grow old dreaming of children.

Three of them to be precise.

A bucktoothed baby,
a smarty-pants little boy

and a girl with an enormous fortune.

Uh, uh... bank account. Uh, uh...

heart.

Thank you.

It's a moving story.

And frankly,
it's a coincident that defies belief.

But a trio of orphans
with those exact qualities

arrived at the mill just yesterday.

- I'll take them.
- Excuse me?

I mean, don't you want to see
those children in a loving home?

Absolutely not.

Beg your pardon?

They're an economic bonanza.

They do the work of an adult
for half the gum.

What kind of a businessman would I be
to part with them?

What would make you part with them?

I suppose if they became costly.

What might make them costly?

They made a...
costly mistake.

- Like a fatal accident?
- A bit drastic, but...

Deal! Oops! Dropped another pen.

Did you hear that?

All we have to do is get
one of those brats to murder someone.

Oh, they'll never do that.
They're total goody two-shoes.

You so underestimate me.

Hmm, I smell an evil plan.

Thank you so much
for your time, Sir.

I can't believe it.

It does sound like something
from a scary movie.

I believe that part.

I read the Encyclopedia Hypnotica
last year.

I can't believe I hurt Phil.

And I almost hurt you, Sunny.

I didn't mean to.

Charles will be back soon.
He wants to help us.

No.

If Dr. Orwell did something to my brain,
I have to fix it.

You can't go back there.
It's too dangerous.

I don't care. I have to know.

What if you get hurt?

What if I cause another accident
and hurt more people?

You're the one that wanted to stay here.

You wanted to find out
what our parents were doing in this town.

And I'm sorry I put us in danger.

I don't know why they blame our parents
for the fire, and I don't care anymore.

I just want you to be safe.
Count Olaf is here.

- We have to leave.
- And we will.

When I get back from Dr. Orwell's.

What's that thing Samuel Beckett said?

"I can't go on. I'll go on."

Let's go on. Together.

Was it fatal?

Just a leg?
Call me when there's a real maiming.

And don't take your eyes
off those orphans!

Well, this one's too easy.

There's just no challenge
when they love taking orders.

Those are covered in eye junk.
Order me a new box of gloves.

Do I look like your receptionist?

Yes, now act like one.

You wouldn't have the Baudelaires at all
if it weren't for me.

I don't have them.

You were supposed to hypnotize
the bookworm

into causing a fatal accident.

Don't blame me for that.
I'm running a business

while you're running around
wearing my clothes.

How quickly we fall into old routines.

Perhaps some old flames
are better snuffed out.

Oh, Georgina...

you little minx.

You have lipstick on your teeth.

Yes, it's part of my character.

I'm so sorry to keep you waiting.

Partner trouble.
But you'd know all about that, Charles.

Yes, sir.

She has Charles.

Now, Charles,
would you like to look at the screen

and tell me what you see?

- Orphans.
- Dangerous orphans.

Charles, don't you think
your partner and you

would be a lot happier
without these orphans around?

We could finally be happy
without those orphans around.

She's hypnotizing him.

You will awaken from your trance
when I say the word...

Charles...

would you like to do
your impersonation of a chicken?

I told you to wait in the waiting room.

- Did you? I must've forgot.
- Mmm.

Charles, would you like to stop?

- That's Shirley?
- We should go before she sees us.

Wait.

I really wanna practice
saying the secret words.

Why? So you could take over
and you wouldn't need me anymore?

- Someone has trust issues.
- Of course I do. I dated you!

Secret words?

According to the Encyclopedia Hypnotica,

a hypnotist chooses one word
to induce hypnotic suggestion,

like "Nero" or... or "omelet,"

and another one to break it.

Charles, would you tell Dr. Orwell
to please stop bringing up the past?

Stop bringing up the past.

Charles, would you tell Count Olaf
to stop talking in that voice?

Stop talking in that voice.

- You drank all of my wine.
- You poisoned my coffee.

- You tried to hypnotize me!
- It was the only way to shut you up!

What was that?

There's nothing up there.

If there's nothing up there,
then what was that noise?

Sorry about that.

We all have skeletons in our closet,
metaphorically,

meaning things from our past
we'd prefer not leave lying around

because they are painful or incriminating
or would create unnecessary clutter.

In my closet, I keep a 200-page book
written by the woman I loved,

explaining at great length
and in specific detail

the reason she could not marry me,

which, if I were to leave out in the open,
I would find myself reading over and over.

It would be as if my darling Beatrice

were bringing me bad news every day
and every night of my life.

Unless you are a murderer
or a taxidermist,

it is rare to have actual skeletons
in your closet,

as opposed to metaphorical ones.

But as Klaus had just discovered...

Dr. Orwell's closet...

had both.

Nothing to be frightened of.

I'm sure many doctors have skeletons
to study anatomy.

I suppose they could keep them in closets.

But Dr. Orwell's an eye doctor.
Skeletons don't even have eyes.

Look.

- What are those?
- Records.

Not that type of record, Sunny.
Medical records.

For employee eye exams.

I don't think Charles and I were
the only victims of Dr. Orwell's hypnosis.

I think it's the entire mill.

That's why they never leave

and why they're happy
to work for coupons and gum.

It's probably why they think
our parents started that fire.

We need to figure out the word
that breaks the trance.

- We can use the library.
- We might not need the library.

Are you sure you're not still hypnotized?

After Phil's accident,

do you remember the word
that brought me back to normal?

I can't remember.

We don't have to go back.
We can run away.

- What if Count Olaf finds us again?
- We'll protect each other.

How will we protect each other
if one of us is under a hypnotic trance?

And we'd be abandoning those workers.
They're victims of Dr. Orwell, too.

Our parents wanted us to be safe.

We don't know what they wanted.
Not anymore.

We don't know
why they were in Paltryville.

We don't know why there were
so many things they never told us.

But we do know
how we remember them.

And the parents I remember
would've wanted us to help.

Then we go back.

Trying to run away, are ya?

I'm not an idiot.

I've been trying to figure out
what to do with you

since you caused that accident
that crushed a man's debarker dispenser.

That glib attitude will get you nowhere.

Now, you wanna hear the good news
or the bad news first?

The... the bad news.

There's a local receptionist
who wants children of her own.

You make one more mistake,

and I'm gonna be forced to sack you
and send you to live with her.

I've interviewed her
about her parenting methods, and...

I can vouch for her fully.

You can't send us to live with Shirley.

And Klaus isn't responsible
for that accident.

He was hypno...

He was hyp...

He was hypnotized,
just like the rest of the workers here!

I don't care
what my employees do for a hobby.

Do you even know
what's going at this mill?

Are you aware of anything
outside that horrible cloud of smoke?

"Don't ask, don't tell." That's my motto.

Now is there anything else?

What's the good news?

It will build character.

I was willing to forgive the accident.

You three are an economic bonanza,
and I'm a softie at heart.

But my partner convinced me that
I need to be a little more inflexible.

Isn't that right, Charles?

We'll finally be happy
without those orphans around.

"It'll build character."

That's just something people say

when they're trying to make others
accept a miserable situation.

It is miserable.

If we can't find the word
to break your hypnosis,

you could cause another accident
and we'd be in the hands of Count Olaf.

You mean Shirley.

- He looks like Father...
- When he went...

To the masquerade ball.

I don't want you to go away again.

It seems darker in here
without Phil to find the bright side.

It seems darker 'cause it is.

Sir won't let us keep the lights on.

He says we need to cut corners
to pay for a new debarker dispenser.

I'm surprised they can show their faces
after what they did to Phil.

It's not your fault.

You're right. It's Count Olaf's.

They're a wretched pair of villains,
and they deserve each other.

They deserve to be locked away
for a very long time.

But for that to happen,

we have to find the word
that wakes everyone up.

So what do we do?

Say a bunch of words out loud
and hope one of them works?

Maybe this can help.

"Aardvark."

"Abacus."

Shh!

"Aberrant."

You're waking everyone up.

There has to be a better way.

Lucky boy...
would you like to get to work?

Things look bad.

Sometimes when things look bad,
they turn out to be worse.

There are fires all around us,
literally and figuratively.

Then it's time we mount
a vigorous fire defense.

Why do they keep talking about fire?

- I know, right?
- We can hear you back there.

If you'd gone to my school,
you would have flunked eavesdropping.

What kind of school teaches eavesdropping?

Come on, children. It's past your bedtime.

- We've got a big day tomorrow.
- What's tomorrow?

It's a secret.

You've been fortunate so far,
you little twerp.

But not anymore.

Yeah, you tell 'em, boss.

One more accident, and you're mine.

And this will be the worst accident
the lumbermill has ever seen.

Now, you lucky brat,

would you like to send that log
into that saw?

- Yes, sir.
- Klaus, don't do it!

Well, well, well.
If it isn't... the other two.

You're just in time to see the accident.

It's not an accident.
You're doing this on purpose!

Let's not split hairs. That's Klaus' job.

And you can shout as much as you want.
Your brother isn't here right now.

Poor little orphan.

Haven't you learned anything this year?

Week? Season?

Wherever you go, I will be waiting.

Wherever you hide, I will hunt you down.

I'm smarter. I'm pluckier.

I'm stronger.

Put some lower back into it!

I'm unstoppable!

Why do you hate us so much?

Because it's fun.

How are you doing back there, Charles?

Oh! Just peachy!

Wait till Sir finds out that his partner's
been turned into human boards.

I bet he won't even wait
until the morning to fire...

Where am I?

What's going on?

Oh, dear! Oh, dear!
Oh, dear! Oh, dear!

Fire! The secret word is "fire."

Klaus, fire! Turn off the machine!

Nice try.

But did you really think
we'd use the same word

on your bratty brother
that we used on the mill workers?

You will never find the word
to save your brother.

And you certainly won't find it
in time to save Charles.

Help me! Help me!

Sorry, Charlie.
No one's coming to help you now.

Help me!

Where did the girl go?

Perhaps you've been told
never to shout "fire" in a public place.

When you shout "fire" and there isn't one,
it can cause chaos.

Of course, when you shout "fire"
and there is one,

it can cause chaos but also save lives.

Still, there are times when shouting
"fire" can save lives

even when there isn't one.

For example, you may be trapped
in a motel room...

with your enemies waiting outside.

Shouting "fire"
will cause the kind of chaos

that will allow you to escape undetected.

Therefore, the life it saves
will be your own.

Fire! Fire!

- Fire! Fire!
- Where am I?

If you're in a town where
the workers have been warned

never to talk about a terrible fire,
not because it was too terrible...

Why does my mouth taste like gum?

because the word "fire"

would awaken them from a state
of complacency induced by hypnosis,

shouting "fire" would cause chaos
and save lives.

Of course, there is the single most
important time to shout "fire,"

and that is when there is one.

Sometimes, even shouting "fire"
cannot save every life.

Get 'em!

What have you done?

Shut the door!

Help me! Help me!

Open up! We want answers!

Thank you, thank you!

Lucky, would you like to cut
the log faster?

Lucky, would you like to reverse
the direction of the log?

- Lucky, push that lever forward!
- Lucky, pull the lever backward!

Lucky, push!

- Lucky, pull!
- Lucky!

Don't listen to your sister.

Hey, why didn't you think of that?

I just stopped by to see if everything
was running smoothly, and I'm glad I did.

- Because it wasn't.
- Ah!

How did you even get inside?
There's an angry mob at the door.

You're right.
I don't trust you with all my secrets.

Oh, oh, oh!

You know, they say holding a baby

can make all these deep,
primal parenting instincts kick in.

- I don't see it.
- Sunny!

Shh!

Lucky... would you like to send
that log into that saw?

Yes, sir.

We want fair wages!

You think you're so superior,

with your fancy optometry degree
and weird hypnosis thing.

Well, I don't need a partner.
I was better off alone,

where my plots were simple
and straightforward

and didn't involve any high-concept
science fiction gimmicks.

Are you breaking up with me again?

No, I'm breaking up with you...
again!

You're being insensitive.

- You're being inor...
- Oh, don't say the word!

- Inordinate.
- An inordinate...

Inordinate! Klaus, inordinate!

Now he's unhypnotized.

How in the world does a child
know a word like "inordinate"?

These brats know all kind of words.
They're book addicts.

But there is still time to cause
an accident and get their fortune!

Oh, no, you can't.

Now put my sister down.

Yes, you may have saved Charles,

but there will still be a fatal accident
at the lumbermill tonight.

Oh, there you are.

If you want our fortune, you can have it.
Just leave Sunny alone!

You think you're so clever,
but you only see in black and white.

Just like your parents.
They were shortsighted, too.

With their, "You can't hypnotize people!"
And, "What about free will?"

And, "We're going to kick you out
and have your license revoked,

and if we ever have children,

we're never gonna let you
anywhere near them!"

Well, I showed them!

I don't think I can hold them off
much longer, boss!

I'll show everyone!
It was never about the fortune.

- It's about...
- Ah!

Sometimes when we are startled
by a loud noise or an angry mob

looking to confront their hypnotist,
we take a step back.

Dr. Orwell was right.

There was a fatal accident
at the Lucky Smells Lumbermill that night.

How can anyone run in these things?

- Sorry about the doc, boss.
- Are you kidding? I'm a free man.

I am never taking a partner again.
From now on, Count Olaf works alone!

Can I get a boost?

Oh, careful, careful.

Come on!

You ripped my hem!

I don't recall assigning a night shift!

But I fully approve.

Keep this up and you'll earn
your dorm lights back in no time.

- What do we want?
- Freedom!

Hey. Hey, wait. Hey! Hey!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

That's it.

Oh, excuse me. Excuse me.

- Cheese.
- Oh!

Hypnosis, child labor,
Count Olaf in a dress!

You children
certainly have lively imaginations.

But a lumbermill is no substitute
for a proper guardian.

You're fortunate that my wife
is such a great investigative journalist.

How did she find us?

I heard there was an accident
at the lumbermill,

so I came right away.

So you found us by accident?

- Exactly.
- You're fantastic!

I had to! Trust your instincts.

- Every time. Every...
- Absolutely.

We never found out what caused that fire.

We know it wasn't our parents.

We don't know if Count Olaf
will turn up again.

We know Dr. Orwell won't.

We never solved the mystery
of this photograph.

Oh! Baudelaires...

I want to thank you for saving my life.

Because of your quick thinking,
I only have a small cut on my foot.

You certainly are clever children.

- Are you leaving Paltryville?
- I'm gonna search for Sir.

He may not have been a good partner,
or a good boss...

or a good person...

but someday you'll learn
things aren't always black and white.

Ooh, that reminds me.

I thought you should see this.

Well, tallyho!

"Chapter 12. The Paltryville Fire."

It's a page from Sir's book.

"The Baudelaires
were unequivocally responsible..."

"for putting out the fire and helping
the survivors get back on their feet."

Look on the bright side.

You're alive!

Officer.

I think you children
will have a good home here.

I hope so anyway,
because I've just received a promotion.

Vice President of Orphan Affairs.

Which means I'll be too busy
to check in on you orphans.

What's our new guardian's name?

Guardian? Oh, no. Good God, no.

I couldn't find a single one
willing to take you in.

Not after what happened
to the last three. Uh, two.

No, four.

Oh, no, children,
you're going to boarding school.

It's the end of the season,
um, semester,

so you're gonna have to work
very hard to catch up.

It won't be easy,
but I promise you it will build character.

Here's a fun bit of trivia.

The architect who built this school
was severely depressed.

I always wanted to go to boarding school.

Rules, traditions...

Why, I'd give every last suit
just to wear a uniform.

The office is over there.
You can wait on that bench.

You're not coming with us?

Oh, this has already taken up
much too long already.

Banking hours.

Um...

I do want you children to know...

I hope you find comfort here.

Um, this came to the bank for you.
I assume it's junk mail.

I can't imagine that you know
anyone in South America,

or why the return address
is from my secretary.

Um...

So long, Baudelaires.

The statue woman said she'd get it back.
Do you think she'll find us again?

Klaus... we're on our own.

In a world
both frightening and unlucky,

there are a few comforts.

One of them is making new friends.

Friends can make you feel the world
is smaller and safer than it really is,

because you know people
who have similar experiences.

When you meet people like that,

you may find your world
feels a little more complete.

Like the missing piece of a puzzle...

or two halves of a broken spyglass.

Click.

You may think that the Baudelaires
Ought to prevail

And be tucked some place
All safe and sound

Count Olaf captured
And rotting in jail

His henchpeople nowhere around

But there's no happy endings
Not here and not now

This tale is all sorrows and woes

You dream that justice
And peace win the day

But that's not how the story goes

You might think that two parents
Both brave and both true

Would live till a nice ripe old age

But I'm sad to say
I have bad news for you

The curtain rings down on the stage

Yes, there's no happy endings
Not here and not now

This tale is all sorrows and woes

You might dream that justice
And peace win the day

But that's not how the story goes

I once loved a girl
And she thought well of me

We thought we'd be happy together

But now I'm alone
As you can well see

And she's cold in her grave forever

There's no happy endings
Not here and not now

This tale is all sorrows and woes

You might dream that justice
And peace win the day

But that's not how the story goes

The world is a pair
Of ill-fitting pants

And other dire hideous clothes

You may think that three children
Would lead pleasant lives

But that's not how the story goes

Some people smile
At the end of the day

Some people laugh, I suppose

But to me there's nothing
But gloom and despair

That's just how the story goes

That's just how the story...

Mmm, that's nice.