All language subtitles for A Series Of Unfortunate Events S01E06

By the time you read this note,
my life will be at it's end.

My heart is as cold as Ike,
and I find my life inbearable.

I know your children may not understand
the sad life of a dowager,

or what would have lead...

lead...led me to this desperate act...

but please know
that I am much happier this way.

As my last will and testament,

I leave you three in the care
of Captain Sham,

a kind and honorable men.

Please think of me kindly,
even though I'd done this terrible thing.

Josephine Anwhistle."

- It can't be.
- Can't be.

When you lose someone important to you,

"it can't be" are often the words
that run through your saddened head.

It can't be that I've lost
someone so important.

It can't be that I will never
see them again.

It can't be, it can't be...

it can't be.

My name is Lemony Snicket,

and it is my job to report the history
of the Baudelaire orphans,

but it can't be that you have
nothing better to do.

The Baudelaires believed, incorrectly,

that they would never see
their Aunt Josephine again,

but it can't be that you are interested
in watching them suffer

as her last words echo again and again
throughout her empty and doomed house.

It can't be.

"As my last will and testament,

I leave you three in the care
of Captain Sham,

a kind and honorable men.

Please think of me kindly
even though I'd done this terrible thing."

Yes, yes.
I understand. I'll tell them.

Of course, I'll tell them.
I promise I'll tell them.

Goodbye.

Mr. Poe says we can always rely
on Mulctuary Money Management.

I just can't believe it.

It's all there in ink
and shaky handwriting.

Aunt Josephine is dead and she's left us
in the care of Count Olaf.

It's not right.
There's something funny about this note.

There's nothing funny about
a woman throwing herself out a window.

Not funny as in a funny joke.
Funny as in a funny... smell.

Let me show you.

In the very first sentence, she says,
"My life will be at it's end."

- And now it is.
- That's not what I mean.

She says "it's," I-T-apostrophe-S,
meaning "it is."

She means I-T-S.
That's a sizable grammatical error.

Who cares about grammatical errors
when she jumped out a window?

Aunt Josephine would've cared.

She said grammar
was the greatest joy in life.

That's not enough.

No matter how much she liked grammar,
she says she found her life unbearable.

That's another error. She didn't say she
found her life unbearable, with a U.

She said she found her life inbearable,
with an I.

That's not a word.

Our situation isn't inbearable.
It's unbearable.

Aunt Josephine left us
in the care of Captain Sham,

and I don't know what we can do about it.

I wish we'd never read Mr. Poe that note.

Then we could've torn it up
and forged a new one in her handwriting

that didn't mention... Captain Sham.

Wouldn't it be difficult
to imitate her handwriting?

Maybe it's not her handwriting at all.

Forgery? That's a very serious charge.

- Not as serious as murder.
- Which is what Count Olaf did.

He murdered Aunt Josephine
and forged a note.

Again with Count Olaf. I must say,

other than a gaping, middle-aged
woman-shaped hole in the window,

I can see no sign of a struggle
or a break-in.

We told you. Count Olaf didn't have
to break into Aunt Josephine's house.

He was in disguise and Aunt Josephine
fell for it, hook, line and sinker.

Please, there's no time for fishing jokes.

There's a very simple way
to tell who wrote this note.

We simply have to compare it
to your Aunt Josephine's handwriting.

That's... actually an excellent idea.

You are very intelligent children,

but even the most intelligent people
sometimes need the help of a banker.

Wait right here.

Here's Aunt Josephine's shopping list.
We can use this to compare.

Oh, look here.

Look at the V
in "Several gallons of Vinegar,"

and how it matches the V in "Violet"
she wrote in the note.

And look at the C
in "Cold Soup Ingredients,"

and how it matches
the C in "Captain Sham."

And look where she writes "I think
shopping is terribly dangerous"

and how it matches "think of me kindly,
even though I'd done this terrible thing."

It should be
"I've done this terrible thing."

Yes, it is a terrible thing,
and I'm sure it's very upsetting to read.

But once and for all,
we can see the note is not a forgery.

You're right.

But why would this Captain Sham person

go through so much trouble
just to place you under his care?

We've already told you,
Captain Sham is Count Olaf in disguise.

Now then, I know you three
have had some terrible experiences,

but you mustn't start letting
your imaginations get the best of you.

Remember when you were staying
with Uncle Monty?

You were convinced
that his assistant, Stephano,

was actually Count Olaf in disguise.

Stephano was actually
Count Olaf in disguise.

The point is that you can't
just start jumping to conclusions.

You've jumped to the conclusion
that this note was a forgery,

and now you're jumping to the conclusion

that a villainous man
who swore he'd stop at nothing

until he got ahold
of your parents' enormous fortune

is involved in some plot to get ahold
of your parents' enormous fortune.

You don't have to believe us.
See for yourself.

His troupe has been camped outside
all night keeping an eye on us.

Ah, I see an approaching hurricane,
but no theatrical troupe.

It's like I said, Baudelaires.

You're letting your imagination
get the best of you.

Imagination's all well and good

for children's books
or digital entertainment,

but this is real life.

Mr. Poe, you have to believe us

when we tell you that Captain Sham
is really Count Olaf.

Aunt Josephine's note
might not have been forged,

but there's something suspicious going on.

It's full of grammatical errors.

Children, disguises
and grammatical errors,

these are dire accusations,
but they're easily investigated.

We can settle the whole matter
over brunch.

Brunch?

Yes, it's a word for the combination
of breakfast and lunch.

We know what brunch means.

Oh, good, then you'll have
an easy time with the menu.

Captain Sham's invited us all
to a restaurant to talk this over.

You've already spoken with Captain Sham?

Yes, by some strange coincidence,
he called me accidentally,

trying to reach a knife store to buy
a surprise for some children he knows.

He was shocked to hear
about Josephine's death,

but overjoyed at the prospect
of raising you children.

What sailor wouldn't be?

We're not going to brunch
with that villain.

- We'll stay here and examine the note.
- Oh, no, no, Baudelaires.

I want to settle this matter
once and for all.

They tell me Hurricane Herman
is going to be so enormous and menacing

it'll most likely shut down
all electric power in the city.

So I want to settle this quickly,

put you in the hands of a sailor
I just met on the phone,

before returning safe and sound
to the city.

Children, I promise to investigate
this man Captain Sham

to the fullest extent
of my ability as a banker.

If he's in disguise as you claim,
the eyes of Poe will catch it immediately.

You probably know of a plant
called the Venus flytrap

which grows in the tropics

and in the apartments
of certain lonely people.

The top of the plant is shaped
like an open mouth

with toothlike spines around the edges.

When a fly
attracted to the smell of the flower

lands on the Venus flytrap,

the mouth of the plant begins to close,
trapping the terrified fly

who slowly, slowly, slowly...

dissolves into nothing.

As Violet, Klaus and Sunny arrived
at their brunch with Count Olaf,

a few minutes late
because Mr. Poe missed the turn...

they felt as helpless as a fly

as Count Olaf's evil scheme
closed around them.

Sadly, they would not learn
for a long time

that someone was there,
desperately trying to help them.

Uh, hello, I'm Larry, your waiter.
Welcome to the Anxious Clown Restaurant,

where everybody has a good time
whether they like it or not.

I can see we have a whole family
lunching together,

so allow me to recommend
the Extra Fun Special Family Appetizer.

It's a bunch of things fried up together
and served with a sauce.

Well, that sounds wonderful!

Extra Special Family Fun Appetizer
for an extra special family.

Mine.

I'll just have a glass of water,
thank you.

Same for me. And a glass of ice cubes
for my baby sister, please.

I'll have a cup of coffee
with nondairy creamer, please.

Oh, no, Poe. Let's, uh, share
a nice bottle of red wine.

Oh, no, thanks, Captain Sham.
I don't drink during banking hours.

Yeah, but it's a celebratory brunch.
We should drink a toast.

After all, it's not every day that
a man becomes a father of three children.

Please, Sham.
It's heartening to know that

you're glad to raise the children,
but you must understand,

the children lost their Aunt Josephine.
They're rather upset.

I'm upset, too. I'm...

I'm probably more upset.

Josephine was my, uh...

uh...

Josephine was my oldest
and dearest friend. Thank you.

You met her yesterday
at the town market and petting zoo.

It really does seem like yesterday,
but actually it was many years ago.

She and I met at cooking school.

We were oven partners
in the Advanced Baking Course.

You weren't oven partners.

Aunt Josephine was desperately afraid
of turning on an oven.

Soon we became fast friends,
and then one day she said to me,

"If I ever adopt some orphans
and then meet an untimely death,

promise me that you will raise them
as if they were your own."

Of course, I agreed, but I had no idea
I would have to keep that promise.

Josephine is dead?

Yes.

Josephine Anwhistle jumped
out of the window

of her own home late last night.

Didn't you hear?

I didn't realize this was a sad occasion.
In that case,

allow me to recommend
the Cheer-Up Cheeseburgers.

The pickles, mustard and ketchup make
a little smiley face on top of the burger,

which is guaranteed
to get ya smilin', too.

So make sure you look inside
before you eat it.

Well, that's a wonderful idea.

Cheer-Up Cheeseburgers
for everyone, Larry!

Odd service, here.

- It's the off-season.
- Ah.

Nice performance out there.

Stick to the script and we won't
throw you to the leeches.

Yeah, no funny business, clown.

It's Larry.
I told you my name is Larry.

- We don't care what your name is.
- Or what gender you are.

Or whether that hair is real.

- It's a clown wig.
- We don't care!

Make sure you don't blow this.

- So if you want to make it out of here...
- Alive.

- With both hands.
- you better do exactly what we say.

You're gonna fix a nice lunch
for everybody.

- With no tricks.
- No knockout drugs.

- No poison.
- And no secret messages written in...

- Ketchup.
- Mustard.

Or wasabi mayo
in the Cheer-Up Cheeseburgers!

You'll never defeat us.

You can surround us.
You can throw us out of windows.

You can threaten us
and make us cook for you...

Sorry to interrupt,
but what's the soup of the day?

I want to emphasize straightaway
that the Baudelaire fortune

will still be under my supervision
until Violet comes of age.

What fortune?
I don't know about any fortune.

MR.
- The Baudelaire parents, uh,

have left behind an enormous fortune

that the children will inherit
when Violet comes of age.

Oh, I have no interest in a fortune.

I've got my sailboats.

Mr. Poe, Sunny's right.
Surely you can finally see that this man...

Beverages!

- Coffee for the gentleman.
- Thank you.

A Fuzzy Navel for the sailor.

- What?
- A gift from someone in the kitchen.

- And water and ice for the Baudelaires.
- You know our names?

Of course I don't know your names.

I've completely forgotten what
we were saying. Don't you hate that?

We were saying that is Count Olaf.

- What, the waiter? He did seem odd.
- No, not the waiter. You!

You've done something terrible
to Aunt Josephine

and you're scheming to get our fortune.

Why would Captain Sham

do something terrible
to his closest friend?

Good point, Poe.

- He isn't Captain Sham.
- He's Count Olaf.

Baudelaires, I've been
more than patient with you.

I understand that losing your parents
and your home has had an emotional effect,

as I imagine it would have on many people.

I've done the best I can
to find a suitable home for you,

but nothing I do seems to be good enough.

And now, faced with a perfectly legal
last will and testament

that will place you in the care
of a sailor you met yesterday,

you start to spout these wild,
McCarthyesque accusations.

What he said.

But if you insist...

I will prove to you
that Captain Sham and Count Olaf

are two completely different people,
step by step,

as if you were babies.

Here are your Cheer-Up Cheeseburgers!

- Count Olaf has one long eyebrow.
- I meant to ask...

- While Captain Sham has one eyepatch.
- During damp weather, I can hardly wink.

if any of you had any food allergies...

Count Olaf has a tattoo
of an eye on his left ankle.

so I might've informed the chef...

While Captain Sham has half a broomstick
where his left ankle should've been.

We prefer the term "peg leg."

who certainly would not want anyone
to have an allergic reaction...

Count Olaf would have
just met Josephine...

that would force them
to leave the restaurant.

while Captain Sham
has known her for many years.

Along with her husband, what's-his-name.

Count Olaf is a murderous man who's only
interested in your parents' money,

while Captain Sham has expressed
great interest in raising you children

- without touching a single penny.
- We'll see.

- We're allergic to peppermints.
- What?

We'll see. Get me another navel!

So, can we all agree that Captain Sham
has none of the hallmarks,

- earmarks or benchmarks of Count Olaf?
- Agreed.

If we could just go back
to Aunt Josephine's house.

There's something strange about that note.

We've already been over the note,
Baudelaires. It's not a forgery.

And the grammatical mistakes
are merely the nervousness

of any woman who was
about to throw herself out a window.

Hear, hear.

Now, Captain Sham,
I have some papers in my briefcase

that I need you to sign.

And then the children will be mine?

You'll be caring for them, yes.

And there's nothing in the world
that can stop me?

Well, that...
A peculiar way of saying it, but, yes.

I brought the bill. Take your time.

I'm sure none of you are
in any particular hurry.

The banker's buying.

Oh, oh!
Well, okay, that... that's fine.

Uh, Sham, I need to have a few words
with you about the children's education.

Oh, I've always been a big supporter
of the school voucher system.

- Have you indeed? Tell me more.
- Yeah.

Everyone is allergic to something.

Whether it is gluten, injustice,
dark chocolate,

corruption, pollen... or common decency.

And you'll do all the dishes.

The Baudelaire orphans
were allergic to peppermint.

Their allergies were notoriously
quick-acting and powerful.

Of course, if you are allergic to a thing,

it is best not to put that thing
in your mouth,

particularly if the thing is cats.

But Violet, Klaus and Sunny
knew that this was an emergency.

The strange message they had received
seemed to indicate

there was more for the Baudelaires
to investigate,

but not until after they got away
from Count Olaf and his miserable lunch.

So while Mr. Poe began to tell
a very boring story...

That reminds me of a time
I bought a carton of milk.

Well, the clerk asked me
what kind of milk...

the children unwrapped
their peppermints...

and placed them into their mouths.

...almond milk, whole milk.
And so I said, "Low fat, please."

And then the clerk leads me
to the dairy section

where the milk is kept,
and then he said to me, proud as can be...

You look terrible!

We're having allergic reactions.

I feel... I feel quite terrible.

Goodness gracious, Violet, you have
huge, ugly, red patches on your skin.

Klaus, your tongue is swelling.

Sunny, both things are happening to you.

- I'm sure it's nothing.
- Nothing?

Violet has a hive on her face
the size of a hard-boiled egg.

They just need to take some deep breaths.

- I think we should go home and rest.
- An excellent idea.

Poe, it's in the middle of brunch.
Just lean back in your seat.

Captain Sham, the children are quite ill.

Let's pay the bill
and take the children home.

No, no. We can go home by ourselves.

I wouldn't dream of leaving you alone.

Well, there is the matter
of the paperwork to go over

to make the, uh, adoption official,

and, frankly, I would like
to take advantage

of the Fickle Ferry's, uh, prehurricane
special reduced ticket prices.

Yes, finish the paperwork

and have a relaxing lunch.

Captain Sham can come fetch us
at Aunt Josephine's house.

I'll see you very soon.

Save the fish heads!

Storm's comin'!

I can't understand what you're saying,

but I assume that you think
we ought to decode Aunt Josephine's note

before Count Olaf and Mr. Poe
finish the paperwork.

But how are we gonna get all the way
back up to Aunt Josephine's house?

Does anybody need a ride someplace
for a reasonable fee?

Believe me, I've had
this conversation a million times.

If you look at the white whale
in terms of postcolonialism...

Thank you, sir.

Call me Ishmael.

We don't have much time
before Hurricane Herman arrives.

- The library.
- Good idea. The library.

Got it. Sunny and I will take
baking soda baths to treat our hives,

while you begin your research.

Exactly. Nouns and verbs.

And those moneys
are locked into the tuition fund.

So the tuition fund cannot be spent,
for example,

on a pair of diamond cufflinks?

Just asking.

All you do is saute
garlic and onions in a pot,

then add onions, capers, anchovies,
diced parsley and tomatoes...

Stop being friendly to him!

Anxious Clown Restaurant.
This is Larry, your waiter.

Alive? Where?

Peru?

Secure for the moment,
but you need to know...

Who is this?

Hello?

Hello?

How does it work? Hello?

- The restaurant's been compromised.
- We can't wait for the weather to clear.

It's gonna take more than a hurricane
to keep us from our children.

- Hurricane?
- Buckle up, darling.

It's gonna be a bumpy flight.

You were right, Klaus. A baking soda bath
did wonders for our hives.

How's your swollen tongue?
And how's your research?

My tongue is improving.

- As for my research, see for yourselves.
- What is all this?

It's Aunt Josephine's note.

- Look, I-T-apostrophe-S.
- I remember.

Aunt Josephine wrote "it's" as in "it is,"

when she meant "its"
as in "belonging to it."

That was just to get our attention.
But look at the second sentence.

"My heart is as cold as Ike."

But Aunt Josephine said she liked
to think of her husband someplace hot.

"As cold as ice"
would make a lot more sense.

Exactly! Unless these aren't
grammatical mistakes at all.

They're a message. Aunt Josephine said
she and Ike developed secret codes.

C for "ice" instead of "Ike."

U for "unbearable"
instead of "inbearable."

- R-D...
- L-E-D.

Curdled Cave.

That's where I got, too.

But why would her last words
be about some cave?

Maybe they're not her last words.

What if she only wants
people to think that she's dead?

People who don't care about
grammatical errors.

- Like Count Olaf.
- Exactly.

What if she's alive
and wants us to know where she's hiding?

Curdled Cave.

We have to find her.

- How are we gonna get to the Curdled Cave?
- Look at the dotted line.

It looks like the Fickle Ferry
goes to the Lavender Lighthouse,

which is right next to the cave.

I saw the schedule
when we arrived at Damocles Dock.

The Fickle Ferry leaves every 17 minutes.

Let's gather everything we might need.

Klaus!

Klaus!

Klaus!

And, finally, there is still the matter
of Aunt Josephine's house to take care of.

- Right.
- Those forms

need to be filled out in quintuplicate.

Mmm!

sighs

And then we can treat ourselves

to my second favorite candy
when I was a boy, peppermints.

During tourist season at Lake Lachrymose,

the Fickle Ferry brings visitors
from all over the world

to enjoy sunshine...

fresh air...

smoked mackerel. Mmm.

The ferry leaves every 17 minutes
to the Lavender Lighthouse,

where tourists can walk to Curdled Cave

or they could bask in the lighthouse's
pale purple glow.

But that's only when the weather is warm.

During the off-season,
Lake Lachrymose has very few visitors,

which is why the ferry company
has added two words

to the bottom of their schedule
in fine print,

a phrase which here means

"you might miss reading it
until it was too late."

- "Weather permitting."
- What does that mean?

It means the Fickle Ferry isn't
running at all.

Then how are we gonna get to Curdled Cave?

There is also fine print attached
to this sad tale.

A number of concerned people are worried

that if you watch the Baudelaire orphans
steal a sailboat

and sail across Lake Lachrymose
in the middle of Hurricane Herman...

We're gonna steal a sailboat,

sail across Lake Lachrymose
in the middle of Hurricane Herman.

you might be tempted
to do such a thing yourself.

We're stealing these, too.

So allow me to offer you
a piece of advice,

even though
I don't know anything about you.

Do not take a sailboat
that does not belong to you.

We're just borrowing it.
We'll bring it back.

And nobody will even know
what we're doing.

And do not attempt to sail that sailboat
during a hurricane.

Especially if, like the Baudelaires,

you only have a vague idea
of how a sailboat works.

I've read some aquatic literature.

All we've got to do is use the sail
to catch the wind.

I've seen this lever in naval blueprints.

It's called the tiller.
It steers the ship.

Now all we have to do
is sail across Lake Lachrymose

in the middle of a hurricane.

Sailing across Lake Lachrymose
in a hurricane

offers a plethora of challenges.

"Plethora" is a word which here means
"too many to list," but I will try.

Your boat might be tossed
into the Wicked Whirlpool...

Mind the whirlpool!

or dashed to bits
on the Rancorous Rocks.

Watch out for the rocks!

And even if you were lucky enough

to spy the faint purple beam
of the Lavender Lighthouse...

It's the Lavender Lighthouse.

it would be an outright miracle
if your boat were not destroyed

at the craggy entrance of Curdled Cave.

Fortunately, the Baudelaires
were about to learn

what any local weatherperson can tell you.

All storms eventually break.

Even Hurricane Herman.

sighs

Lake Lachrymose is actually very pretty.

I never noticed it before.

I guess we got used to looking at it
through Aunt Josephine's eyes.

Curdled Cave is for sale.

Who would want to live
in such a phantasmagorical place?

What is that sound?

Just the wind... probably.

I read that when wind passes
through small spaces, like caves,

it can make strange noises.
It's nothing to be afraid of.

I'm afraid of it anyway.

Me, too.

Aunt Josephine?

Are you...

okay?

You figured it out!
I knew you could figure it out.

I knew you would decode my message.

- Klaus really did it.
- But Violet knew how to work the sailboat.

Without Violet,
we never would've made it here.

Sunny spotted the lighthouse.

Well, I am so glad to see all of you.

Just let me catch my breath
and I'll help you bring in your things.

- What things?
- Your luggage, of course.

I hope you brought food. I'm out.

- We didn't bring any food.
- No food?

How in the world did you expect
to live with me in this cave

if you didn't bring any food?

We didn't come here to live with you.

Then why did you come?

Whatever word that was, Sunny,
it was grammatically incorrect.

But maybe one of your siblings

will explain in correct English
why you're here.

Because Captain Sham
almost had us in his clutches.

Everyone thought you were dead,
and in your will and testament,

you wrote that we should be placed
in the care of Captain Sham.

He forced me to do that.

We were only halfway through
our fried-egg sandwiches

when Captain Sham told me
that he was really...

- Count Olaf.
- Count Olaf.

He said I had to write out a will saying
you children would be left in his care,

or he would drown me in the lake.

I was so frightened
that I agreed immediately,

but hid a secret message
I hoped you children would find.

Of course,
then I knew my life was truly in danger.

I waited for my opportunity...

Come on.

Here's Shammy!

And faked my own death.

Well, that... worked out.

It's a good thing
I remembered to put gas

in my recreational watercraft.

- Aunt Josephine?
- Aunt Josephine?

Why didn't you take us with you?

Why did you leave us
all alone by ourselves?

Why didn't you protect us
from Count Olaf?

Oh, Violet...

it is not grammatically correct
to say "leave us all alone by ourselves."

You can say "leave us all alone,"
or "leave us by ourselves,"

but not both. Do you understand?

That didn't sound grammatical either,
but we'll say no more about it.

We have all had a very trying day,

but I don't think Captain Sham
will ever find us here.

We can share Curdled Cave
for the rest of our lives.

We're not staying here.

We're taking the sailboat
back to the town,

and we're taking you with us.

No way, Jose.

I am too frightened of Count Olaf
to face him.

But if you tell Mr. Poe what happened,

then Count Olaf will be locked away
and we'll be safe, all of us.

You can tell him that if you want.
I am staying here.

He won't believe us unless you come along
and prove you're alive.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

I am too afraid.

We're all afraid.

We were afraid
when you brought home Count Olaf.

We were afraid when we thought
you had jumped out a window.

We were afraid to give ourselves
allergic reactions,

we were afraid to steal a sailboat,

and we were afraid to make our way
across Lake Lachrymose

in the middle of a hurricane.

But that didn't stop us!

I can't help it
if you are braver than I am.

I can't do it.

I am going to live here
for the rest of my life,

and there is nothing you can say
that will change my mind.

You know Curdled Cave is for sale.

So what?

Well, that just means that before long,

certain people are going to want
to look at it.

And some of those people...

will be real estate agents.

Okay, let's go.

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh.

Aunt Josephine, I really do wish
you'd stop saying that.

Hurricane Herman is over,
the sailboat is working perfectly

and we'll be back to Damocles Dock
by morning.

We're as safe as can possibly be expected.

Maybe...

maybe you could think back to a time

when you were a little more
fierce and formidable.

- Where did you find this?
- In the library.

I haven't seen this photograph in years.

Lucky Smells Lumbermill.
Ah, it's not far from here.

Oh, look at Ike.

Look how handsome he looks in that hat.

Oh, and look at Monty!

- And our parents.
- Yes.

And your parents.

Such brave and noble people.

- Oh, how I miss them.
- We miss them, too.

But we have questions about them.

They never told us about you.
They never told us about Uncle Monty.

I have a feeling there's lots of things
they never told us about.

Your parents, Baudelaires,
wanted to raise you in a quiet world,

far away from the fiery injustices
that were threatening all of us.

They were trying to keep you safe.

- It didn't work.
- No. No, it didn't.

Not long after this photograph was taken,

your parents and I had to make
a vastly frightening decision.

I remember that day so well, Klaus.

Your mother had just wrestled
one of our enemies to the ground,

when she turned to me and said...

- Uh-oh.
- What?

- Uh-oh. And I mean it this time.
- What's wrong?

We are now entering the territory
of the Lachrymose Leeches.

Oh, my poor Ike!

He always loved shredded beef tamales,
and they ended up sealing his doom.

I'm sure we'll be all right.

You said that the leeches
were usually harmless.

Unless you have recently eaten.

We haven't eaten anything since those
peppermints at the Anxious Clown.

That was brunch,
and it's almost morning now.

You didn't eat anything recently,
did you, Aunt Josephine?

Aunt Josephine?

Banana.

I ate a banana
just before you arrived.

- Uh-oh.
- I'm sure there's nothing to worry about.

Leeches are very small animals.

If we were in the water,
we might have reason to fear,

but I doubt they'd attack a sailboat.

Hurricane Herman might have even
scared them out of the territory.

Uh-oh.

You see? We're perfectly safe.

Yeah. Perfectly safe.
See? They're leaving.

Whoa!

We're gonna need to sail
much, much faster,

or this boat will be in pieces in no time.

But sailing relies on wind.
We can't make the wind go any faster.

Please don't throw me overboard!
I'm too frightened!

Nobody's gonna throw you overboard.

- Well, rowing's not gonna work.
- Rowing won't help anyway.

This boat is sinking. We need help.

How are we gonna get help
in the middle of a lake?

We just need a signal.

That's right, darling.
Close your eyes.

That's what I do when I'm afraid.

It always makes me feel better
to block out the fear.

Let's all close our eyes,

as if we're watching
some on-screen entertainment

that's too scary for people our age.

Violet's not blocking out anything.

That's how she concentrates.

Fire alarms.

- What?
- Fire alarms.

Oh, please don't say
any more scary things.

I'm frightened enough.

Fire alarms are an excellent way
to signal for assistance.

We need noise, we need light.

- We need to start a fire.
- Won't that get us in more danger?

If we start a fire for light
and hit the bucket for noise,

we can attract attention.

It'll be hard to start a fire.
Everything here is...

wet from the storm!

Not everything.
Aunt Josephine, I need your scarf.

No! I need it more.
I need it to protect my neck.

I don't have time to argue with you.
I'm trying to save each of our lives!

The expression is
"saving all of our lives"

not "saving each of our... "

Sit down!

Oh, my God! Oh! Oh!

How do we light this?

Well, there's friction, but that requires
technique, patience and dry conditions.

There has to be another way.

The scientific principle of the divergence
and refraction of light.

The scientific principle of the divergence
and refraction of light?

The scientific principle of the divergence
and refraction of light.

You know, when horrible people
use a magnifying glass to burn ants.

Olaf used to do that.

Theoretically, if I can catch
enough light from the lighthouse beam...

- That seems unlikely.
- Just try your best.

It doesn't matter if I try my best.
What matters is what happens.

It won't work! The angle's wrong.

The light just needs to refract off
of something else to reach us.

There is nothing else. We're all alone.

- I think I see something down there!
- If only we brought the spyglass.

These will have to do.

- You did it.
- We did it.

It's a plane.

Klaus, lower the sail.

Help!

Save me!

Save me!

- Help! Help!
- Save me!

It's a small boat in distress.

Why would anybody be on the lake
so soon after a hurricane?

Maybe they're trying
to reach their family, too.

- They'll never make it.
- Unless we help them.

I could fly low,
reduce our speed to 80 knots.

We need to find a way to extract them.

- I wish we had that grappling hook.
- Wait, ferry approaching.

- Can it make it?
- Pulling up now!

They'll be okay.

Which might be
more than I can say about us.

This might be a bit of a rough landing.
Brace yourself.

I always do.

We're saved!

We are saved!

Oh, my! Oh!

Oh, my goodness.
What a relief.

Oh!

We don't know how to thank you.

I can think of a way.

Oh, no!

You can stop faking your death
and running away and rescuing each other

and making me ferry around
this godforsaken lake searching for you.

Parenting is exhausting.

You're not our parent
and you never will be.

On the contrary,

Mr. Poe is putting the finishing touches
on your adoption papers this very moment.

In a few hours, you will be Violet,
Klaus and Sunny Sham.

When we explain that you forced
Aunt Josephine to write that note,

Mr. Poe will tear those adoption papers
into a thousand pieces.

And who is Mr. Poe going to believe?

The owner of a respectable
lakeside rental agency,

or three runaway pip-squeaks
who go around stealing boats?

We only stole that boat to retrieve
Aunt Josephine from her hiding spot

so she could tell everybody
about your terrible plan.

Is this true?

Uh-huh.

You were going to betray me?

- Mmm.
- After all the years we spent together?

After all of those picnics by the shore?

After all of those shredded beef tamales
I served to your husband?

After all the secrets we had shared?

Yes! I was going to betray you,

and these three children
gave me the courage to do so.

Ever since their parents were killed,
they have been so fierce and formidable,

again and again
escaping from your clutches.

And what have I done all these years?

Nothing but hide in my house.
Well, enough of that.

My house can topple off a cliff
for all I care.

Later.

I am ready to be fierce
and formidable again myself,

and to face you, Count Olaf!

I have had enough of your schemes!
I have had enough of your plots!

I have had enough
of your greed and your betrayal.

Listen to me, Olaf,
you villain, you wretch,

you vastly untalented actor!

Ooh.

I'm going to tell you something
I should've told you a long time ago.

And what might that be?

It's "have"!

What?

You said,
"After all the secrets we had shared."

You should have said,
"After all the secrets we have shared."

You made a serious grammatical error!

Let me make sure I understand.

You would not say,

"Josephine Anwhistle had been
thrown overboard to the leeches,"

because that would be incorrect.

But if you said, "Josephine Anwhistle
has been thrown overboard to the leeches,"

you would be all right with that?

Yes.

I mean...

No!

- I mean...
- I think I finally understand the lesson.

Aunt Josephine!

Fiends! All of you!

Aunt Josephine!

This does actually seem, like, a little...

Take the boat to Damocles Dock!
Our work here is done.

But Josephine?

Josephine, Schmosephine.

As I'm sure you know,
one way to demonstrate

you don't care about something
is to say the word

and then repeat the word
with the letters S-C-H-M

replacing the real first letters.

If you didn't care about
truth and justice, for example,

you might say "truth, schmuth"
or "justice, schmustice."

But as Count Olaf steered the Baudelaire
orphans away from the Lachrymose Leeches,

their feelings about Aunt Josephine
were far more complicated.

She had given them a home, even if it was
cold and not hurricane-proof.

She had tried to teach them, even if
it wasn't what they wanted to learn.

And like the Baudelaires,
she had experienced great loss.

And while that doesn't make
a good guardian,

it didn't make her a bad person.

For this reason, the Baudelaires
did not think, "Josephine, Schmosephine."

They thought...
"We hope Aunt Josephine is safe."

Everybody off!

- Klaus?
- Look.

Lucky Smells Lumbermill.

Aunt Josephine said it wasn't far.

Come on. We don't have all day.

What am I supposed to do with you?

You said you were going
to go home and rest,

but instead you steal a sailboat
and push Josephine's house down a hill?

I missed the prehurricane discount
tickets and had to spend the night

in a bed and breakfast
that uses powdered eggs!

I wouldn't be surprised if Captain Sham

was no longer interested
in serving as your guardian,

even though I filled out
these forms in triplicate

while he boated around Lake Lachrymose
looking for you on a hunch.

I don't have a hunch.

Well, I'll admit the children's behavior
did make me have second thoughts.

But then I also had third thoughts,

which are how empty
my wallet and my heart are.

I truly think that the Baudelaires can be

an enormous, enormous fortune in my life.

And so...
as I used to say to my dearest friend,

the late Josephine What's-her-name...

- get in the car.
- We're not going anywhere with you.

Mr. Poe, this man is really
Count Olaf in disguise.

He murdered Aunt Josephine in cold blood.

Uh, actually, cold water.

Klaus, we've been through this.
There's absolutely nothing at this point

that will convince me
that this man is actually Count Olaf.

And you have no evidence
to support these wild accusations,

and I cannot, on behalf
of Mulctuary Money Management,

merely take the word of a single child.

You don't have to take the word
of a single child.

You can take the word of all three of us.

Uh, actually, it's more like two.
The baby doesn't really count. I mean...

My leg!

My leg has grown back! It's amazing!

It's incredible!

It's wonderful! It's a medical miracle!

It's a mitzvah!

Oh, come now, that won't work.

Even a child can see
that peg leg was false.

A child did see
that the peg leg was false.

- Three children, in fact.
- But you didn't listen.

You never listen.

Well, perhaps the peg leg was false.

But I have never seen
this tattoo in my life.

Oh, come now, that won't work either.

You tried to hide the tattoo
with the peg leg.

Maybe the tattoo is real.

- But I am not this Count Olaf person.
- Look.

Lucky Smells Lumbermill.

- Let's go.
- My name is Captain Sham.

It says so on my business card.

Oh, oh, come now,
that won't work either again.

Business cards don't prove anything.

Anyone can go to a print shop and have
cards made up that say anything they like.

Well, maybe I'm not Captain Sham,
but the children still belong to me.

Josephine told me so.

Oh, come now,
that won't work for the final time.

Josephine left the children
to Captain Sham, not Count Olaf.

You are Count Olaf and not Captain Sham.

You are going to jail,

and the children will come with me and
we'll settle this once and for...

Baudelaires?

Baudelaires?

Baudelaire...

Baudelaires!

Baudelaires?

Baudelaire...

Baudelaires?
Well, I'll find them in a minute.

You will stay here, Count Olaf,
and I'll finally contact the...

Count Olaf!

Count Olaf!

I'm all alone.

What's that thing Haruki Murakami said?

"When you come out of the storm,

you won't be the same person
who walked in."

Before that part.

"You won't even be sure, in fact...

whether the storm is really over."

Do you think we made the right choice?

Doesn't matter
if we made the right choice.

What matters is what happens.