Original subtitles

♪♪

[ Tires screech ]Captain Solomon: Ooh-up!

♪♪

[ Humming ]

Okay, time to open up.

[ Laughs ]

Open.

Yes.

Toffee doughnut is the king of all doughnuts?

I'm gonna have to disagree with that

seeing as I don't much care for toffee.

Not at all, I have to say.

You're welcome to try one of my many frostings.

I'll try the spiced-apple frosting.

Thank you. Appreciate it.

Spiced apple.

[ Chuckles ]

Thank you. Appreciate it.

Hmm. I don't care for apple on a doughnut, so sue me.

Appreciate it, though.

Thank you. Appreciate it. Mmm.

Mm, let's see what else there is.

Mm.

Banana almond.

That sounds kind of boring!

Thank you, though. Appreciate it.

I'm -- I'm sorry. What does that say?

Thank you. Appreciate it.

Cherry vanilla.

Oh, no, no, no. I'm sorry.

I do not like the vanilla.

Thank you. Appreciate it.

Uh, I'll try the quaffee lovers glaze.

Thank you. Appreciate it.

Quaffee lovers glaze.

Thank you. Appreciate it.

Thank you. Appreciate it.

What was that flavor again?

That's the quaffee lovers glaze.

Quaffee lovers glaze?

That's what I dubbed it.

Is that a joke? No.

It's kind of funny, right?No.

I actually have a song I composed about it.

♪ Bomb, bomb, bomb, b-bomb, b-bomb ♪

♪ Bomb, bomb, bomb, b-bomb, b-bomb ♪

Bomb --

That's my song, you cocksure asshole!

Madame, I am not a cocksure asshole.

I'm simply a lonely guy on vacation looking for love.

Thank you. Appreciate it.

Copy that.

Now, listen carefully, Ronald the Ringman.

What?

You see, I'm using a wild cranberry artisanal lip balm.

So whichever flavor frosting I choose

will need to complement that,

not compete with and/or overpower it.

I'm sure you appreciate me telling you that, though.

Thank you. Appreciate it.

Ah, stop. Wait.

Something calling my name.

It's whispering to my fingers,

which are being inexplicably drawn towards it.

And now I see it's a rub-a-dub-dub

with the witty moniker "pineapple fizz."

Thank you. Appreciate it.

Pineapple fizz.

Thank you. Appreciate it.

Mm-mm, mm-mm, mm!

Thank you for that tantalizingly tangy taste

of pineapple-icious ficious fizzy wizzy was a reno.

Pineapple fizz.

Fizz.

The word "fizz" implies that something will be,

uh -- what's the word?

Pineapple-y. No. No, no.

I guess the word I'm thinking of is --

wait for it, everyone -- fizzy, right?

[ Laughs ]

Pineapple fizz should be fizzy.

There is absolutely no fizz evident

in this pineapple-fizz frosting.

It's totally flat.

It's kind of gross, actually.

I hope it doesn't repeat on me.

You know when you do those little [burps] burps

and they turn to little sour teaspoons worth of vomit?

You know what I mean.[ Belches ]

I could feel the dreaded acid reflux becoming

a distinct possibility with this pineapple fizz.

Pineapple shizz is the more appropriate moniker.

But as always, Ronald, thank you for letting me try it.

Appreciate it.

Can you see my hips gyrating?

Such a beautiful day.

Hey, cocksure asshole,

some of us lining up here actually like doughnuts,

and we want to try the different frostings.

Thank you. Appreciate it.

Thank you, sir. Appreciate it, sir.

Thank you for not hurrying me, Ronald,

but I would like to assure everyone here

that I will take as long as I need

to choose the right frosting for the right doughnut,

and then -- listen closely now, Ronald the Ringman --

I will have a deluscious flavor combination.

Did you say a deluscious flavor combination?

Yes, I did. Mm.

Thank you for asking.

I will have little sharesies.

I will have a treat-filled mouthful

and then another treat-filled mouthful

and then another treat-filled mouthful.

[ Groans ]

I will do the munchy-munchy when I choose to.

Thank you. A-ppre-ci-ate it.

Thank you specifically, sir.

Now watch this.

I'm about to do the "I love doughnuts" dance.

You'll like this dance.

You'll appreciate it, and you'll thank me.

♪ I love doughnuts, I love doughnuts ♪

♪ I love doughnuts, I love doughnuts ♪

♪ I love doughnuts, I love doughnuts ♪

♪ I love doughnuts, I love doughnuts ♪

♪ I love doughnuts, I love doughnuts ♪

♪ I love doughnuts, I love doughnuts ♪

♪ I love doughnuts, I love doughnuts ♪

-♪ I love -- -Enough!

[ Groans ]

[ Spitting ]

Look.

[ Grunting ]

[ Spitting ]

[ Laughs ]

That's it. It's all got my saliva on it.

You want a taste now?

Huh? [ Spits ]

Huh? [ Spits ]

Huh?

No, okay? Game over.

Nattannyel is not gonna buy a doughnut now.

No, thank you. I do not appreciate that.

You know, this island's actually pretty gross.

This island's a real letdown.

Maybe Nattannyel will have to go on a tropical vacation

somewhere else next time, somewhere maybe Nattannyel

will find his soul mate, a soul mate with a nice ees!

That's how I say "ass." I say ees.

Everyone on this island has a square, flat ees.

I shall find another island,

an island filled with deluscious frostings of all kinds.

I want sumptuous ees.

I want little doughnut sharesies,

cutie with a fine ees.

I want it all!

Thank you. Appreciate it.

[ Groans ]

What's...?

What's going...?

What's going on?

What's going on with?

What's going on with that?

What's going on with that phone?

He's calling the tropical cops

on your cocksure ass, you cocksure asshole.

Tropical cops, I'm desperate.

I have a man dubbed Nattannyel...

-No! -...and he's tasting

all my frostings.

And now he's saying that he doesn't like our island.

Oh, there's going to be a tropical bundle.

You know, a rumble, a tumble,

a tropical bundle, I've dubbed it.

And it's going to be orchestrated by Cocky Rico.

Okay.

Ah.

And tropical bundle!

Aah!

[ Laughs ]

And kick.

[ All grunting ]

Punch.

[ Grunting continues ]

And bite.

[ Screaming ]

And, finally, the rainbow down below.

[ Groans ]

[ Panting ]

♪ Bomb, bomb, bomb, b-bomb, b-bomb ♪

And music.

[ Synth music playing ]

♪♪

And dance!

♪♪

[ Siren wails ]

♪♪

[ Handcuffs click ]

♪♪

[ Car doors close ]

[ Siren wails ]

♪♪

All: Thank you. Appreciate it.

♪♪

Okay, kill the music.

[ Song ends ]

It's time for you to meet my friend, Seedy Dave.

Look, that's him there.

I'm gonna tell a very rude story about him right now.

Everyone, listen.

I shall tell the story as he approaches.

Seedy Dave and I went island-hopping in Greece

the summer we left high school.

It was on that very first island --

Mykonos, I believe -- where Dave earned the moniker Seedy Dave.

What I wouldn't give to be back on those islands!

Seedy Dave would drink ice-cold beers all day long,

and then, through the night, he would move his body

in time to the lapping of the ocean waves,

grinding and rising and lolling and rolling

exotically and never alone.

You were never starved for company, were you, Seedy Dave?

What I wouldn't give

to be back on those islands!

Seedy Dave's undulating body became the pulse

of whichever island he happened to be on,

and a magnet, too, in a way.

A magnet for all the local, sexy, Greek ladies.

Lured, they were, by Seedy Dave's

unstoppable undulations, the sensuous undulations

of his lower half specifically.

Oh, such sweet motion, Seedy Dave.

Oh, the lessons you taught me.

What I wouldn't give

to be back on those islands!

He made extensive use of ropes, harnesses,

swings, and pulleys.

Gravity was defied on a nightly basis,

let me tell you.

[ Chuckles ]

What I wouldn't give

to be back on those islands!

I remember hooking that harness up between

two olive trees on the island of Folegandros,

and he used it all week long, didn't you, Seedy Dave?

He broke both those trees by doing this.

[ Grunting ]

[ Laughs ]

What I wouldn't give

to be back on those islands.

[ Both laugh ]

I know what you're all thinking,

and I'm here to confirm

with absolute unwavering confidence...

Ha! Yeah, it kind of is.

[ Both laugh ]

Thank you, Seedy Dave.

Appreciate it.