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J go down to record city j

j record city usa j

j you can dance to the beat j

j tap your feet j!

J shake your blues away j

j and the girls are always broody j

j down at record city j

j and you can boogy j

j boogy your way j

j boogie j

j boogie your way j

j you just jump on bump Avenue j

j truck on down turn right in a groove j

j rock to the beat and roll it to the west j

j don't forget to bring the money you love best j

j bring em down to record city j

j record city j

j usa j

j jump to the beat &

j shake your blues away j

j do wa diddy j

j you've got the real good degrade j

j and you can boogy j

j boogy your way j

j boogy j

j boogy your way j

j they like to shake that stuff &

j from Memphis to kalamazoo j

j they like to shake that stuff &

j California to the white house too j

j woooo j

j even the rhinestone cowboy j

j who shake yippee kio ki aye j

j I know he can dash

j the country and western j!

J but sometimes he steals away

j to go down to record city j

j record city usofa

j yo he can bang his feet &

j dance to the beat j

j shake his blues away j

johjt

j and the girls are always broody j

j down at record city j

j and you can boogy j

j boogy your way j

j boogy j

j boogy your way j

j come on down to record city &

j record city, usa j

j you can dance. J

come on, Danny, hurry it up will ya?

Get those albums out on the front rack

before the weekend rush sets in.

Yes, sir, I'm hurrying.

Tell what you that that crazy Gordon Kong holding

his damn talent contest here.

We're gonna have every creep who wants to be

in show business coming over here.

But hot, I'll handle it.

See, I've never been afraid to take responsibility

I mean that's how I got to be manager.

Get the door, will ya kid?

Show me a man who knows hot to sweat,

I'll show ya a winner.

Groovy foxes, ah.

Seen ya looking, especially that new chick

I put on the register, Lorraine.

You aint getting none of that Sonny boy,

that's all mine.

I'm gonna get her in my office and

bang the curl right outta her hair.

Hey.

Where's that idiot security guard, Doyle?

I don't see him out front.

I think he went to grab a pizza.

I'll grab his pizza.

What's the crazy hold up man, what's his name?

The chameleon, running through this whole damn neighborhood

while the cops are standing out in the street

just playing with themselves

and my security guard's out there stuffing his fat face.

Hi Lorraine.

Hello, Danny.

Sidewalk's probably just crawling with creeps

'cause Doyle ain't on duty.

Check it out.

Now.

Hi babe, what's happening?

I'm checking the receipts, Mr. Pierce.

I told ya to call me Eddie.

Sure missed a fabulous lunch today.

If you'd accepted my invitation

we'd a had a oh, nice little Martini first,

then some nice red wine, a little salad,

some clams, nice juicy stake.

Then she'd look at your face and throw up.

Hey, up yours.

There's nobody's taking to you, ya beast,

get back to your register.

Register this.

All right Harold, we'll just move along here.

Sounds like a fun place here, a little noisy.

Oh no, you mustn't, you mustn't.

Party honey, party.

Come along they're dangerous, Harold.

See let's give it to em.

One, two, three, four. - Harold.

Oh Harold, oh my goodness.

- Is he all right? - I knew that shirt was too

oh yes, he's all right, it always happens

when he eats Brussels sprouts.

Don't leave me now, Harold, we're going

to the track Saturday.

That sucker was dead

before he fell down. - Right on, sucker.

Don't I know you?

Oi, Jesus h. Christ.

Jesus Christ?

Jesus Christ, I know you.

Girl needs a guy with experience,

a stud with know how.

You know, I gave ya a job because I dig ya.

When I dig a woman, I want her to dig me back, ya dig?

I did say thank you.

Hey, I don't wanna hear any thanks yous,

I wanna feel em, you understand?

Now, you better come and see me soon

in my office like, before tomorrow night.

Right?

Aye.

Hey, it's bad Eddie. - You ready, Eddie?

All right that's it, wino creep, come on,

get outta here. - You got five dollars

for a cup of coffee. - Jesus, what do

ya mean coffee, man, you need some listerine.

Listerine that's terrific.

Yeah, sure, that's easy for you to say.

All right, that's it, Rex, I told you

to stay away from my store, you gutty fag.

Now you move off, or I'm gonna call

the fruit wagon and have them throw your ass

in jail with the rest of the fairies.

Promises, promises.

Aye. - Aye.

All right ugly hookers, get away from the store.

Who you calling ugly, Turkey

yeah. - Come back here

and say that again. Hey, what are you whores

doing over here anyway?

Gordon Kong invited us sucker.

Yeah, we gonna be in his big talent contest.

Oh yeah, well I wouldn't plan

on winning anything, the only prize for what you got

they give penicillin.

Even penicillin won't help you, sucker.

Yeah.

I tell ya, no wonder the country's in the toilet.

The bums, the fags and the hookers,

they got all the rights.

I'll tell ya, kid, if things keep going like this,

symbol of America won't be the eagle anymore,

it'll be a big asshole.

Can you do that with

your mouth?

Excuse me, do you have Beethoven's 5th?

What for, you gonna drink it?

Eh?

I said what do you want it for?

Come again. - What do you want it for?

The record?

Record?

What record?

Beethoven's 5th.

Beethoven's dumb 5th.

Beethoven's 5th, yes, I like that,

have you got it?

Now, stick it in your ear.

That's right, you didn't have it last year.

Aye, pokey, is that gorilla man

really gonna come here and run his talent contest?

Yeah, I'm gonna be on it.

Oh yeah, what kinda talent you got?

I play my head.

Oh, I was just getting a hamburger.

Na na na, you sound like a garbage disposal

you fat lump of lard, don't you know

there's a dangerous hold-up man walking the area?

Oh, you mean that grunt the cops call

the chameleon, the one with all the disguises, boss?

You don't gotta worry about that bum.

Why not, you planning to eat him?

Now get your can over to the police station

and you tell the captain he promised me

a man on standby and don't you come back

until he sends somebody, now move it, fast.

Right, right, right boss, I'm going.

Whoa. - Hey!

Long time no see, baby. How you you looking good?

How's tricks, eh? - Oh honey, they just

keep right on turning. Keep right on turning.

Always said you are a little piece of leather

but you are well put together.

- He is well put together. - If you look so nice

I'll pay you any price.

Stop honey. - I got a discount for you,

baby, like I said, if you wanna piece of heaven,

try this on. - And you got it all

right here.

Hey, wiz, where do I

stick tongue? - Say what?

Say tongue, I never heard of it.

Ah, let me put that into my affrotonic computer.

Tongue is a weird group

started by a weird cat known as kinky Friedman.

He is a cw group with a bunch of dudes known as

the the Texas jewboys.

Their main hit and first album was known as

I'm just a lasso from El Paso.

Hey wiz. - And here's Rupert.

Look what I found, isn't this exciting?

Hey man, what's so exciting about a tape recorder?

Listen, Rupert, have you been playing

yankee doodle with your dandy?

I don't do that anymore.

Hey, Rupert, what's so special about this tape machine?

It's Eddie's theme.

Every time he's making it with the chicks, he plays it.

Here, listen.

Hey man, that's some

funky music where did you find that?

Behind the loading dock.

I wonder who

he made it with.

At the restaurant, she really digs him.

She always slips him extra meat in his sukiyaki.

Yeah, I'll bet he slipped her a piece of meat too.

Give me that, I got an idea, you guys.

Hey, wait a minute.

Cool it.

Hey, now that's a real hot item.

That's moving right up on the charts and uh.

Hey listen, that's my balling music!

Some bastard's playing my theme.

Oh it is?

I thought it was another old cassette player.

Except for that funky music on the inside.

And these dune stars pasted on the outside.

Now I wonder what they mean.

I know what they mean.

Every time Eddie scores, he pastes another one

on the case.

Chill out, Rupert, now give me the cassette!

Eddie, hey hey hey, oh.

Oh you guys, you guys are the lowest.

From now, you keep your damn hands off

my personal property. - Eddie!

You said you never played that unless.

Hey, shut up, moshi.

It was a mistake, really, I'm not making it

with anybody else, it was just a mistake.

Tell her it was a mistake.

Really you know I'm faithful to you.

Would I lie to a working woman?

Edward.

I'll get you for this.

Boy, sure wish I was more like Eddie.

Say what?

- I said I sure wish. - I heard what you said

I just don't believe that you said it.

Well what I mean is, well Eddie's so good with the chicks.

Yeah, but he's got no class.

Yeah, but did you see all the stars

on that cassette machine?

Think, I've never even scored once.

Oh, Rupert my friend.

Let's see if we cannot help you with your problem.

Now we gotta find a woman for you

that knows where it's at, you know what I mean?

I mean a woman like Rita.

Ah, Rita, she not only knows where it's at,

she knows where it used to be.

Eh, I want you to go over there

and shoot your best shot.

Hey, I'm nothing like Eddie.

Eddie's a dynamite talker.

Rupert, you are a college man.

I mean you got a lotta interesting things to rap about.

Eh, now what did you study?

Tax accounting.

See, everybody wants to know about that tax jive.

Now listen, you go on over there

and you hit her with some of that, you know?

Then kinda ease the conversation on around to sex.

Hey, and then you are in, Jim.

I'm in, huh? - Yeah.

1'l do it.

Start out with taxes, ease around to sex?

What do you want?

Did you know that define benefits

may be used as a pension deduction

for corporations under the new tax law?

So what? - So you wanna make it

with me?

I don't think so.

It wouldn't be so good for your health.

Oh thank you.

It's no go.

She's got some kinda health problem.

Hey man, who's the dude with the pipe?

I don't know, what do you think

he's smoking in it?

Hey, what you got there, macho?

Record. - Oh ee, honey,

you can ring your barrette all the time.

I will too. - We all say that.

Woo.

Oh god, let's do it to him. - Go for it.

That's loco, whats' wrong with you?

Eh, look out man, outta the way.

You stupid sidewalk surfer son of a bitches.

I hope you fall and break your ass.

You think it's funny, eh, you don't mess with the macho.

Hey, woo. - Get outta here.

I'll teach you to mess with the macho, you punks.

See how funny it is when I drive

this car up your asses, eh?

You think it's funny, eh?

Who's faster,

come on, let's go.

He's coming, man, he's following us.

Nah nah.

Where you gonna go now suckers?

Get away from me now. - Faster, faster.

Look out. - Woo.

What the hell are you doing on the sidewalk?

- What you doing over here? - Hey, come on, you mess.

- Get this car off the road. - Lady, get it outta here.

Come on move your car, get this goddamn thing

outta here, will you pleas?

Move your car.

Now get in there and don't come back again.

Get outta here, come on, get in the car.

And don't come back again!

Okay, suckers, I'll get you one at a time!

Hey, you lost something.

Oh, Lorraine, Lorraine please,

may I speak with you for just a minute?

If I don't get this off my chest

I swear I will explode like a rotten cantaloupe.

What is wrong, Rex, I've never seen you

so mad before. - It is that swine,

Eddie Pierce.

If I wasn't a pacifist, I'd love to scratch his eyes out.

Do you know, he had the audacity

to humiliate me out front.

I mean, it was shameful.

Oh gee, Rex, that's terrible.

Eddie isn't very sensitive about people, I guess.

Eddie, sensitive?

Ha, I've seen paid toilets with more humanity.

But he won't get away with this,

I swear he won't.

He'll be sorry he trifled with Rex Hayworth.

Oh, man, that was so far out.

The gorilla man's got the shout.

I dug it the most, and talking about digging, baby,

dig this, you got the urge to merge yourself

with show business, huh?

You sing, dance, play a musical instrument

or just plain entertain?

Well then, make yourself pretty

and boogie on down to record city

779 oh oh, Rockland boulevard,

because from 5pm tonight, Friday till Saturday

when we pick a winner, the gorilla man's

gonna give one of you dudes or dudarinas

a chance to become the amateur star of the future

in our radio marathon talent contest

right here on ever loving kaka.

Kaw kaw.

Now here's a little number

that's climbing the charts right to your hearts.

So get down baby, this is for you.

You think anybody noticed me?

What you doing here, hitch?

I don't want nobody to find out we know each other.

Oh you won't be so mad at me

when you see what I got us.

Look.

Put that thing away, now.

Put your hat on and listen to me.

You are gonna get us busted.

You're gonna get us busted before we even

have a chance to rip this place off.

Well when we gonna do it, I'm tired of waiting, pokey.

Soon, now did I not tell you that me taking

a job here would be the perfect set up?

It was gonna work out okay.

Well I just heard the manager telling

the security guard to get a real cop

to track down this big time criminal to come in.

Oh, hey, that means the coast is clear.

Hot damn, let's do it now.

No, no, no, no, no.

Now here's the plan.

You see, you're gonna go round back,

come out through the stock room, all right

and when I signal I'll start

distracting those checkout girls there

then you do your thing, you got it?

I got it.

Oh shit. - What's wrong?

Well when I put the gun down my pants

it went down all the way.

Get down, you never gonna amount to nothing

you can't waving a gun around in a crowded store.

Come on. - Oh, oh.

Well hello there mr and Mrs.

Welcome to record city.

Don't look at them, Harold.

They're sissies.

Idiot.

Ah, got it.

Put that thing away before the whole store sees it.

Get out and come around back.

All right, you gonna be real proud of me.

Yeah. - Oh.

You coming in or what?

No, I'm just waiting for my brother.

Okay, wait.

I can't play this record, miss.

Why not?

No hole.

Hey wiz,

can you take care of this please?

I certainly can.

May I help you miss

her record, it has no hole.

Oh, ah, that's for sure.

Probably happened at the factory.

Listen, you're gonna have to take this to the manager,

now his office is right back there.

He handles all the holes around here.

Thank you.

Mm, mm.

Come on.

Moshi, darling, you've gotta learn to trust me.

I would never be unfaithful to you, I love you.

Yeah!

Just a minute.

Hi, the guy you front told me to see you about my hole.

Uh, yeah.

I'll call you back later.

Now what was that, miss?

My record, it doesn't have a hole in it.

Well you certainly came to the right place.

Now, where were we?

Hey, Lorraine, can I talk to you a minute?

Uh, okay, Danny, but I'm busy.

Danny, I have to get back

to my register.

No, it won't take up too much of your time,

I just wanted to talk to ya.

You know like talk.

Yeah.

You look terrific.

Thanks, I have to ask you something

if you don't mind, if it's okay.

Go ahead and ask.

Excuse me sir, can you tell me

where I can find them talking book records.

Oh, they're in specialties, aisle two.

Oh, I'll take you.

Just tell me whee to go, I'll get there.

Go straight ahead to the end of the counter

then turn right.

I'm blind not deaf.

Go right.

Sir, be careful.

Dammit, she said turn right didn't she?

I get tricked every time.

I'll get ya. - You wanted to ask

me something?

Yeah, Lorraine, would you, sir, sir please be careful!

Are you gonna ask me or not?

I want to, but. - I'm waiting.

Ah, ah.

You all right?

Lorraine, Lorraine, you really are gorgeous.

Lorraine, I wanna take you to a movie

and for a piece of pizza and if you don't like pizza

we'll go for tacos or something.

Oh Danny, you really are a sweet person,

nice, but I want something more

than you can give me, thanks anyway.

Hey look Vivian, I respect you.

I admire you for your mind, but I didn't touch you.

Yeah well, somebody sure did.

Yeah well it wasn't me, because if I wanna chick

I don't have to cop a feel.

There you go, treating women as sex objects again.

Hey man, I'm no chauvinist pig.

I think chicks are women.

Ask anybody.

Yeah, maybe so, but that still doesn't give you

the right to manhandle my body.

Hey I like you Vivian, I mean I even kinda

dig you sometimes, but I'd never touch you

unless you said it was cool.

Marty? - Yeah?

Hey shit.

Hey, what'd you do that for, man?

I said stay away from me!

You're crazy, Vivian, I never touched you, man.

Oh yeah, well somebody did!

And it sure as hell wasn't Mozart!

Listen I, I understand that you're shy.

I don't usually act this way, but you see

I'm a cancer, hey right there, cancer?

I really feel this great big giant magic between us.

Well you keep your magic away from me

and this place is too public.

No, no, you're wrong, you're wrong.

Look the shades are down, the music's playing.

I'm a great dancer, nobody can see or hear anything.

Told you this place wasn't private enough.

Don't worry, I'll get rid of whoever it is.

Then you'll have your private and I'll have my private

and then we'll put our privates together.

All right, just a damn minute.

What the hell do you want?

I despise you. - So what?

So this.

He mooned Eddie in mid hump.

Hey come back, what about your hole?

Hi mosh, just a customer see, she didn't have a hole

in her record.

Hey man, Eddie makes us look so good to himself.

I get he's so sexy, he's gonna shave off

his mustache, that's exactly what he needs to do.

Oh Olga, sweetheart, how are you?

Hey, what do you think Rex, too much?

You know, I don't wanna look cheap.

Well I think the color is absolutely super.

Especially with your hair.

But you know, I don't like what it does

to your cheek bones, you know, beauty

is all in the facial structure,

you know what I mean?

Now look.

See, see how my cheekbones catch the light and shadow?

Mm hmm. - Subtle, huh?

Yeah, yeah, good looks should be subtle.

Hey, you know Rex, maybe I could use

just a touch of eye liner and some Rouge

to bring out they bones, eh?

Honey, I would not touch your bones.

'Course, nothing goes too good with this outfit.

Yeah.

Oh god, I wish I had something maroon and frilly.

I mean, that would absolutely turn you around.

Hey look, what's that?

Oh, oh look at that.

J I'm the gorilla man j

j I come from Congo land j

j I got a bunch of bananas

j to trade for funky piano j

j I'll be your get down gorilla j

j I bang your keys with the beat yeah j

j see I trade my bananas j

j for funky piano j

j go go go gorilla j

j gogogogoyeah j

j get down get down j

j go go go gorilla j

j say look back, you gonna want me around j!

Jahj

j go-gorillaman j

j go-gorillaman j

j go go go gorilla j

j go-go-gorilla j

j go go go gorilla j

j you look like you gon want me around j

j yeah ah j

j I'm the gorilla man j

j I come from Congo land j

j I got a bunch of bananas

j to trade for funky piano j

j I'll be the get down gorilla j

j get down gorilla j

j I bang the keys with ease

j one man discotheque j

j it got to beat on my chest j

j I'm the gorilla man

j I come from Congo land j

j gorillaman j

j go go gorilla man j

j gorilla j

thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Woo, that is so swell, the gorilla man has gotta yell.

Ay, right on,

here I am you chicks and chiclets out there

in radio land, yeah, yours truly,

Gordon Kong, your gorilla man of song

coming to you from right here at nitty gritty record city,

that groovy patter shop where the heavy dudes stop.

Now let's hear a great big gorilla shout

oh oh oh oh, oh oh oh 'cause we gonna freak out

with my gigantic talent contest

ending with the prize presentation tomorrow at noon

oh, right here, oh, do you like my arm?

I've been doubling up on my hormone shots.

Oh come on, engineer.

Now a heavy selection from my music collection,

Dum dum dum dum.

Dum dum dum dum.

Dum dum.

Dum dum dum.

Dum dum dum dum.

Okay mister, this is a stick up.

Now don't try nothing stupid or yell

'cause I got a gun and I aint afraid to use it.

Now you reach in that pocket real slow with your left hand

and hand me that watch and that money.

I'll shoot buddy, now you hand me the money.

You say something young fella.

I got a gun and I want your money.

What?

This is a stick up, for Christ's sakes,

this is a stick up!

Don't you understand english, I want your cash,

I want your cash! - You want my ass?

Damn fairy.

Kids today.

Hey viv, what's the matter?

I warned you about treating me like a sex object

you male chauvinist insect!

What are you talking about?

Next time, you'll think twice.

Vivian!

What'd you do that for, man?

Oh god, ah

calm down, pal, I got another plan.

No, pokey, no more plans.

If we gonna Rob this place, let's Rob it.

I'm just gonna go out there and I'm gonna say

give me all your money and then I'm gonna

run like hell, you want in or don't ya?

'Course I want in.

Now didn't I case the place so we know what day

all the cash'd be here?

You bet your booties I want in.

Well then let's do it.

Whoa, wait a minute, sit down.

Now you cannot go out there with your face

all naked and exposed like that.

Hold on, I've got something.

Put this on first.

Yeah.

That's a good idea.

That way nobody'll be able to identify me.

Hey pokey, you one smart dude.

Yeah, it's all teamwork.

You're pretty good yourself there, pal.

You know it's real hard to see out of.

But it's better than getting recognized, wish me luck.

Now give me all your oh, ah.

Oh, ah.

Is that you pokey, oh, ah.

Something's got me.

Pokey!

Pokey!

Mamal

on.

I gotta get me

a new partner.

You're gonna have to shape up for the world of crime, boy.

Yeah yeah yeah, another fabulous impression hey ya

from Gordon Kong, your gorilla man of song

I have now transformed myself into Dr. Billy grits.

Play in the hips, a kaka, put thy hands together

and ye shall feel the other hand.

They had it yeah yeah.

Now.

I know it's here somewhere,

it fell right down through here.

Find it, dummy, find it.

I'm looking, hey here it is.

Gorilla man, I am sending you.

Right this, sergeant coznowski.

I saved myself.

Hello mr Doyle! - Oh, hiya pokey.

Right through here.

Dear Betty, what a front.

It's gorilla man. - That was close.

Too close, jerk.

Come on now, straighten up.

Sarge, sarge you wait right here,

I'll check the head, see nobody's in em.

Okay, sarge, all clear.

Ssh, ssh.

Thanks a lot, won't do any good having me stake out

the toilet if everybody knows I'm here.

Oh yeah.

Where can I watch the sales floor

through the ventilator?

Oh, right here in the first head.

Look, you gotta stand on the toilet.

No problem.

Kinda slippery. - Yeah, well,

watch yourself.

Oh yeah, this is perfect.

If the chameleon tries to hit this place

I'll see him coming.

Uh, that chameleon, he's quite a cookie, ay.

You got an mo on him?

I'll say.

He's knocked over more than a dozen joints

in the area already.

And every time he's in a different disguise.

So we don't know what he looks like.

But we'll nail him. - Right.

Just hang up that sign I gave ya, so I won't be disturbed.

Leave the rest to me.

Oh yeah, right sarge.

Oh ah, sarge, if you need any help

just holler, ah?

Oh if you get hungry, just give me a shout okay?

Oh thank you very much, you're very kind.

Ka ka, kaw kaw kaw.

Did you love it?

Did you love it?

It is time to get down because this is Gordon Kong

Like I was saying, it is show time!

Show time.

Will you shut up?

Don't ever touch me there again, you Turkey.

Oh yeah, kaw kaw kaw, it's time

for contestant numero uno.

None other than get down Gallagher, yeah!

Ta dal!

Ladies and gentleman it is now time

for a commercial word this time I'm speaking.

To everyone in the audience

ladies and gentlemen, the amazing mastajewel corporation

a subsidiary of fly by night industries

has the answer to your every kitchen need

in a single tool and don't you wanna know

how it works? - Yeah!

Well first, you get out an apple.

You place the apple between the patented pan.

Then what do you do, gang?

You reach for the tool that is not a slicer,

it's not a dicer, it's not a chopper and a hopper.

What could I possible be?

Yes it is, sledgeomatic.

Hey!

Apple sauce it is.

That's it.

Smear your face with lipstick and eyeshadow

and eyeliner and all that other sticky crap

that's meant to attract men and make them

wanna grope you and all the other helpless dolls

who give womanhood a bad name.

Watch out for little Dutch boys, Vivian,

they do nasty things to dykes.

Hey Rita, Rita, that's my shade.

Yeah yeah, persian love peach.

You know I've been looking all over for it.

Is that all you want out of life, Olga?

To be a sex object like Rita?

You bet your ass.

Women.

Now sledgeomatic will also teach

the dumbest dog to play dead.

It puts the cat out all night

keeps the neighbors kids in their own damn yard

and it'll save you money.

Gets that last of toothpaste slap outta the tube.

And hey kids, hollow it out, it makes

a hell of a hash pipe.

Hey thanks a lot, man, I couldn't have

done that by myself.

Ay no problem, Marty, no problem.

Hey uh, what the hell's wrong with Marty?

Looks like he's got a case of the galloping clap.

Vivian kneed him in his danger zone

because she thought he was coming on to her.

Hey stud, I hear you just started

the matinee performance of the nutcracker suite.

Yeah, it was bitching.

Vivian nailed ya, didn't she?

Yeah. - I'll tell ya look,

you let the old professor here

give you a few tips and you'll score with her.

I mean you know me, I never miss.

Like you respect her mind.

Respect her mind. - That's right,

respect her mind, then when she lets down her guard,

you reach over and you grab her.

Butter brain only kidding.

What's that, gotcha.

Jive ass.

Yeah, I'm gonna reup, I swear to god.

Hey pokey, you missed all the action.

Well I had a perfectly good reason for being here.

What?

Well I was psyching myself up in front

of this cut out of Gordon Kong to get ready

for the big contest, you know I'm gonna be in it,

I'm gonna do Dixie, Dixie on my cheeks.

Kinda Dixie cheek.

Maybe you prefer a ballad?

All right, ladies and gentlemen,

ay, pokey man, you gotta take it easy

on them cheeks, you know a couple of bars

of that disco music'll send you to the hospital.

He's gonna go on the gorilla contest

as the Isaac Hayes of cheek.

Well, better than you two are doing.

You're not even gonna give it a try.

I am so.

I thought I might do what I do best.

Which is, hey, dance.

Check it out.

Hold on to that, Rita.

Oh, chow chow, pow.

Cha cha.

Ohm mm mm.

Oh oh oh.

Uh-oh, boss.

Hello, mr Greenberg. - Hey Mr. g.

Good afternoon, Mr. Greenberg.

Look, the boss got no pants.

Dynamite.

Don't you know how to knock first you asshole.

Oh, hold it, g, just check the lp shipments,

got my messages, I'll see ya later.

Eddie, Eddie, please don't go.

Look, you gotta help me, I'm in terrible trouble.

Well sure chief, I mean whatever you say

but I mean what could be the trouble?

I mean a fine businessman and terrific person

like yourself, what could be wrong?

I'll show you, look.

You were never in the service, were you?

These aren't my clothes, you stupid,

they're my wife's.

She has exquisite taste.

Never mind that, look, the reason I'm dressed like this,

I was hiding in her closet, see.

They were looking for me so I put on

whatever I could to sneak out the window

but they're still after me.

Look, Eddie, I pay you a nice salary, right?

Right? - And I give you a nice

night thigh alloy bonuses, don't 1?

Well right. - Well then please,

you gotta help me, you gotta help me.

Mr. Greenberg, Manny baby, listen, this is Eddie,

you can count on me, my life is your life.

Oh that's good, god bless ya.

Hey, forget it, forget it.

Now who's after you?

They are.

We wanna talk with you a minute, Greenberg.

Greenberg, hey I didn't know

that was Greenberg, I mean I just came in

I thought it was father o'Flaherty's office.

Came in for some bing Crosby albums,

ran into this old queen.

Out. - Sure you got it.

Listen, I don't know nothing, I didn't see nothing,

I can't remember faces, you know?

Nice place you got here, Greenberg.

Oh it's nothing special, business really stinks

but I'll get you your money, I swear Mr. f.

I'll get ya every penny of it.

I ain't worried, Greenberg.

I always get paid what's owed me.

In your case, 4200 clams due tomorrow midnight.

See if somebody runs out on me,

I just give em to Gucci.

Meet my main man.

Gucci yamashito.

He's half Japanese, half Italian.

So.

Don't let him hurt me, I'll get ya the money

I swear I'll steal it, I'll borrow it,

I'll print it.

I'm sure you will, Greenberg.

You wouldn't wanna get Gucci mad at ya.

Show him gucc.

Midnight tomorrow, huh?

Ciao, baby.

Hello Goldie?

Hi sweetheart, it's me, Manny.

For god's sake would you forget about

your stupid nightgown!

Listen, they just wrecked my office.

I mean they broke every stick of furniture

and they're gonna murder me if I don't

come up with the money.

Will you stop it and just hang up the phone

and bring me some clothes down here.

Stupid woman is more interested

in her nightgown than her own husband.

Who is it?

Oh my goodness, well I'm so terribly sorry.

Well that was for Eddie.

Say Princess, you're adorable.

Hi rupe. - Ssh!

Hey man.

What you doing just standing here

watching that action?

Only thing you gonna get hard is your eyeballs.

Yeah you're right, I'm gonna go over

and talk to her right away.

What do I say?

The tax idea, it didn't work too well.

Why don't you take the straightforward approach?

Tell her that you were just standing here

watching all the action and got turned on by it.

And then you just go over there, Rupert,

and you go for it.

Lay it on her and go for it.

Right in, go for it.

Hi.

What do you want?

I was just watching you fix your hose

and I have to admit it really turned me on.

It did huh?

Oh did I give you hot pants?

You sure did, Rita.

You're gonna have to do something

about these hot pants of mine.

1 will.

Listen, he's gonna

get down with ya now.

A man that really gets down around the town

let's move and groove, here's the dude

you're gonna dig the most, come on

clap your feet and stomp your hands,

kitty St. Louis!

Jd Mr. feel good j

jd Mr. feel good j

j mr feel good j

j honey that's my name j

j I make ya feel good j

j get down that's NY name j

jd Mr. feel good j

j baby callon me j

j I make it real good &

j satisfied, you're guaranteed j

j up on the roof &

j I'm gonna climb, climb, climb j&

j we'll prance and dance j

j drink a little wine &

j climb through your chimney j

j I jump slick, slick, slick j

j they'll hear you screaming in the hall honey

j please don't quit &

jd Mr. feel good j

j baby call my name j

j I make it real good j

j get down that's my game j

j Mr. feel good j

j baby callon me j

j make it real good &

j satisfied, you're guaranteed j

j I hang the stockings girl &

j like one, two, three j

j you curl your toes j

j and I just twiddle it &

j I pity the creature j

j stirring up the house j

j you be my pussy cat j

j I'm gonna be the mouse j

j Mr. feel good j

j better call my name j

j make it real good &

j get down, that's my name j

j Mr. feel good j

j I'm dynamite j!

Jl love to rock and roll &

j I like to go all night &

jd Mr. feel good j

jd Mr. feel real good j

J Mr. feel good j

j that's my name j

j I make it real good j

j getting down that's my game j!

J Mr. feel good j

j honey call on me j

j make it real good &

j satisfied, you're guaranteed j

j whoa! J

yeah!

Oh lay it on me.

Another change of ouffit.

When are you gonna learn, Rita,

there's more to life than trying to impress men?

I think I've got just what you need, Vivian.

Here.

For you.

What am I supposed to do with these?

Stick em in your pants, honey.

I'm more woman than you'll ever be.

You hear me?

Marty! - Yeah, I didn't do

nothing to you, man.

Marty I didn't mean to scare ya.

You think I'm attractive don't ya?

I mean lots of guys say I've got a super body.

Yeah, well, I ain't grabbing nothing of yours,

you got that?

Wouldn't you like to kiss me, Marty?

Are you serious?

Here and now?

Here and now.

I'm a desirable woman, am I not?

Mama find nice dog dog music for little popo boy.

Let's go over here, precious. - Marty?

Yeah viv?

Let me hold this just for a second.

Oh man. J the time of day j

j gone everything seems wrong j'

all right Rupert, what is it?

Well, sir, I was watching the way you make out

and I have to admit, I really admire your technique.

Hey, listen baby, when you got it you got it

I mean, you know I can't take no credit for it.

Talent comes from god.

I'm sure you're right, sir, but

what about those of us who aren't equally blessed?

Blessed.

Oh, you meant you've been striking out

and you want the old salt and the shag

to steer you right, right?

Anything you can tell me, sir,

would be greatly appreciated.

Okay, well now, first thing you do

is you throw this away.

Second thing you do is you gotta loosen yourself up,

take your tie off, you look like

you've got a pole up your ass.

Come on, you gotta be sexy man.

Like me, like Eddie, sexy see, right.

Now, the third thing you gotta do is

if you want action you gotta stop thinking

and you gotta start letting your body do the talking.

Okay, now I want you to lower your jaw

just drop your jaw, now make your eyes,

close em, close em, soft and sexy.

Now when you talk, you gotta make em think

that you're feeling them up with every word, got it?

Okay, you say, hey baby cakes, I am a dream

you are a dream, together let's have a crazy nightmare.

Oh baby, oh mama, it's gonna feel so good.

Try it baby, try it.

I am a dream, you are a dream.

Oh geez, your voice is too high, lower it.

I am a dream, you are a dream, oh ah,

together let's have a nightmare ooh.

You really think this is gonna work?

Eh, sure babe, I mean just don't take no crap.

Now you just try it, see what I mean, okay?

Eh, don't try to thank me.

Who knows, maybe some day we can exchange

some hot phone numbers ah, yeah.

Hey baby cakes, you are a dream,

so am I, let's have a nightmare,

feels so good, how about it, eh?

I know it's good to hire the handicapped

but this poor sucker's so retarded, it is disgusting.

Manny, Manny, Manny.

You've got no guts.

My husband has the guts of a chicken.

A little threat on your life and you go all to pieces.

Stand up and fight, Manny.

It's only money.

Oh sure, Goldie, money is only money

and death is only death and what they did

to the furniture they could do to my face.

Cluck cluck cluck.

You sound like chicken little.

So what happened to the forceful man

who swept me off my feet?

You weren't so namby pamby

when you stole me away from Sheldon shecktor

the proctologist. - The proctologist.

Oh no, don't be afraid Manny.

Face the golden future now, darling.

It's all out waiting there for you to take charge.

Girls, come on.

I'll take it, you reel it in.

Wait out here, I'll see you in just a minute

I gotta get that.

Oh Harold, look, our kind of music.

Oh I wonder if they have that lovely song

mother Waldorf sang at our wedding.

What was the name of that?

Oh promise me, oh was it oh promise me, no

no cousin Milo yodeled that after he drank

the mosquito repellent, oh I could have killed him

if he hadn't been a veteran.

Did she sing only a Rose?

I think it had something to do with flowers.

Mother Waldorf always loved putting things

in the ground, roses and daffodils, Mr. Waldorf.

Oh Harold, look, here it is, our wedding serenade.

Pale hands I love beside the shalamar.

Oh. - Oh.

Doing the obligato and then when I went.

Harold, Harold what is it, help somebody, help!

Somebody call the paramedics!

Don't worry lady, my sister's a registered nurse.

Oh it was those Brussels sprouts.

Well I'll give him mouth to mouth resuscitation.

Somebody else wanna do this?

I know what he needs.

I'll just bet you do.

Now you stay away from my Harold, you hussy.

Oh Harold, Harold, don't leave me, don't go.

We've got a lot to do.

All right, I wanna get that damn Barry manilow record

that's kinky Friedman from tongue.

Rita, cover my register,

I'm gonna go meet him.

Lorraine, Lorraine!

Kinky, kinky Friedman!

Mr. Friedman, I have all your albums.

Oh yeah, well can I have one too.

Bring one up from my dressing room

and where some hip boots and a little prayer shawl

all right, be good, I'll show you where the rap album is,

baby, all right?

Gorilla man, yeah, we are moving on

to the bewitching hour here with the first day

of Gordon Kong's marathon amateur talent contest

on radio an television, kaka, kaw kaw kaw kaw kaw kaw.

J not there when I need you j

j right away j

j god I need ya j

j ohlivingon j

j god I need ya forgive me j

j oh my freedom for god j

all right.

How about flies?

That'd be a good one, that's real cute.

Well looky here, far out, it's John Denver.

John, you had a sex change look like.

I tell ya, that mountain altitude doing wonders

for your lungs, boy, real good.

Hey, we'll see ya boy, take it easy.

Don't go away, I'll be right back.

Psst Lorraine, I've been waiting for this, sweetheart.

It's time we're alone.

Not now, Eddie, I don't think it's right.

Hey come on now, who knows from right or wrong?

Come on, dal, don't you wanna find out

what life is all about?

Don't touch me there.

Just because I work for you doesn't mean I'm yours.

Look, I'm a passionate man, sweetheart

but I can't wait forever, and I won't.

Next time, baby.

Bye Edward.

Hello?

I know you're over there.

I don't mean to talk to you this way but

well, whenever I look at you and try to talk

I get all silly.

I don't think I could say this to your face but

I think you're a real fox and oh dammit

I know I'm not a rock star or anything much but

but I wanna make love to you.

Okay, but no kinky stuff.

Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute,

we'll do it kinky, wait a minute.

We'll do it kinky, wait just a minute!

Do we have a big welcome please

for razzle p. Willy

Hey viv.

Yeah, what do you want, twerp?

Where's your women's lib now, huh viv?

Thank you, thank you, woo!

I love you, mwah!

- This isn't too comfortable. - But it's the best we can do.

Oh baby, you gotta do better than that.

You come out for some fresh air too?

Nah, I just sort of wanted to look at the stars.

I wouldn't wish upon a star if I was you, Danny.

It doesn't work on people named Lorraine.

Hey I'm only kidding.

You're a nice guy and you'll find someone

who thinks so too.

Well why didn't she like me?

Lorraine? - Yeah.

She does.

But not the way you want.

So what, you keep on looking and she'll do the same.

It'll work itself out, it always does.

Yeah, I'm such a nice guy and all.

Don't say it like it was so terrible.

Well I mean maybe it is.

Maybe it's just the worst thing that could ever

happen to anybody, it's just to be plain nice.

Now listen, if you've got the talent.

Well at least you could say excuse me.

You'd think he'd know how to treat a lady, wouldn't ya?

He does, when he sees one.

Let's have it for the hooker sisters.

J here we are j

j we're stepping out j

j life's a heck j

j let's sing and shout j

j here we are j

j on solid ground j

j take your time and don't fall down

j step, step, stepping on out j

j step, step, stepping on out j

j step, step, stepping on out j

j step, step, stepping on out j

j dancing, dancing dancing to the speed of sound

j like to hear the sound of my feet on the ground j

j moving moving moving to the beat of my heart j

j ain't no use in stopping once this feeling starts &

j step, step, stepping on out j

j step, step, stepping on out j

j step, step, stepping on out j

j step, step, stepping on out j

j uh-huh j

j yeah yeah yeah j

j yeah yeah yeah j

j step, step, stepping on out. J

nice popo boy, mommy's gonna

take you home and buy you a steaky-wakey.

J step, step, stepping on out j

j step, step

j step, stepping on out

j stepping out yeah j!

Thank you very much, come back again.

Next please.

Give me all your money and don't try anything,

I'm the chameleon.

Geez, it's the chameleon!

J step, step, stepping on out. J

j step, step

j step, step, stepping on out j

j step, step I - come on, let's go.

Oh!

Ah. - Freeze and don't nobody

oh shit. - Give me that before

you hurt yourself.

Stay where you are!

What the hell's going on here?

I'll knock your ass!

Come on, ah!

J step, stepping on out

j stepping out j!

Oh. - You'll have a little

something to eat and everything will look brighter, Manny.

All right, Goldie, maybe you're right,

I'll have a little bit of salami

but only a nibble.

Of course my darling.

Bonasera.

Still got no money?

You get one more warning.

You leave my Manny alone, you warped jap, you.

Nobody screws with Goldie Greenberg

and another thing.

Manny!

Ah, so. - Ah so to you too.

Look, I know this great little Japanese restaurant

just down the street, I think we should go down

and check it out, don't you?

Oh.

He stole my gun.

I never did nothing to him.

Never mind the gun, we don't need it no more.

We don't?

No, we've gotta Rob this place scientific like.

Oh.

This box controls the electricity for the entire store.

Now, I'm gonna go out and play my head

in the talent contest. Oh yeah, I like that.

You like that, huh? - How do you do that?

1 do it since I was a kid, I kinda poke

I'll talk about that later

now, Kay, when you hear me finish,

I want you to cut the alarm wire

then pull the switch, now you got it?

Yeah, cut the, when you finish, I cut the wire

pull the switch. - Good.

Hey pokey?

What now?

What happens when I cut the wire and pull the switch?

Phew, boy this gonna be tough.

When you cut the wire, you will silence the alarm.

When you pull the switch, the lights will go out.

In the confusion, you go out and Rob the place

take the money and be feet, now you got it?

Yeah, I got it, I've got it, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Good. - It's gonna be a piece

of cake. - Good.

Wait pokey.

- What do you want now? - What are we gonna Rob?

Didn't that chameleon fella take all the money?

No, no, no.

I told ya, Eddie said he only got petty cash

which leaves he gravy for you and me, right?

Gravy, right right.

Yes, thick brown rich gravy. - Gravy.

Gravy! - 1 got it!

When he does his number, I cut the wire

and pull the switch.

Oh, I love being a felon.

I guess it didn't work. - Yeah.

Shut the door, will ya?

Come here.

Think we're gonna have to change your hairstyle.

Yeah, I think that'll fix ya up.

Get the door, will ya?

Kinky, I want ya to notice me.

Honey, I never noticed a gal in my whole life.

Does it require some kind of unusual position?

Well now I did take a course in sexual yoga one time

but my teacher screwed herself our of a job.

Yeehee, all right, my jokes have little wheels on em,

don't they, get get get, jitterbug.

Hey pokey's a real talent.

Cut the wire, pull the switch.

Cut the wire, pull the switch.

Cut the wire?

Honey, plug this bugger in for me, will ya please?

Kid, you're gonna be dynamite.

I had a hell of a good time,

thank ya very much.

Mr. Pierce?

Mr. Pierce?

You okay?

Mr. Pierce.

Take you out after work, show you a good time.

What have you done, boy?

Break it up, I'm coming home, mein shallal

goodnight, mama.

Darling, I think I love ya.

Oh pokey.

I don't think I'm cut out for this.

It's the Kong on the gong.

From the gorilla man of song, yeah.

Right here, kaka and it ain't gonna be long

before we find the lucky winner

in the gorilla man gigantic talent contest, whoa

because right now, we're moving into

the gigantic second day, baby

and listen, listen, finalists, are you steady ready?

Hey, take a break, kid.

Mr. Pierce, wow, you look like you're in shock.

Yeah, hey, what a ya got in the bag

a midget hooker?

No, no, but I realized where I went wrong.

It's so easy, I realized it when I saw kinky Friedman

chats to women, it's so simple.

You'll see sir, this is gonna me me irresistible.

Mmm.

J cluck cluck cluck cluck cluck cluck cluck j

j cluck cluck cluck cluck &

j cluck cluck cluck cluck cluck cluck j

j cluck cluck cluck cluck cluck &

Rita, you little bugger.

Rita, Rita, Rita stop running.

I want you to marry me.

Rita.

Rita, now wait a minute, hold on.

Listen to me, give me a chance.

No woman has ever done to me

what you done last night, I want you

to be my wife, you really fired my rocket.

I can still feel the tingle

hit it with a book, it'll quiet down.

Rita now wait a minute, hold on, listen here.

I promise you, we won't smoke any dope,

we'll go completely organic.

We'll only smoke lettuce.

Hey look, we'll make some beautiful music together.

I tell ya what, I get on and you and you me.

I tell ya what.

Hi Lorraine, I've been looking all over for you.

I can't remember why I've bene looking all over for you.

Oh leave me alone.

Oh Eddie.

Gucc and I have taken a lovely little apartment

in Beverly Hills.

We're going out to buy some furniture, but

before we go, I want to leave you with this parting gift.

Sayonara. - Ciao baby.

Come on, Gucci.

I gotcha, I saw that transformation!

You're under arrest, Mr. chameleon.

Chameleon, where?

Officer, what?

Marty - yeah, Vivian,

you wanna try again?

Wow man you look bitching.

Marty, I'm sorry I called ya a twerp.

That's cool.

So be positive Manny.

I'm positive, I'm positive Mr. F is gonna murder me,

that's what I'm positive oh, why can't I get a break?

All I ask is one lousy break please.

Of course, darling.

Come on. - Sister, sister,

could you tell him I'm innocent?

Oh bless you my son, less you

excuse this freak, sister,

he's out of his gourd on devil weed.

Bless you.

Oh sister, begging your holy pardon

but one of your shoelaces is hanging out,

you might trip on it.

Oh my shoe.

Excuse me, you dropped your shotgun too.

My shotgun, bless you both.

The chameleon. - Where?

Stop, I'm the police!

Oh please god, give me a break, it's all I ask,

one little shitty break.

Of course, Manny darling, you'll get a break.

Wait, stop, stop him, stop!

The police!

Stop, stop, stop!

Holy, the money. - Manny, the money.

Thank you, thank you, I'll never go near

a ham sandwich, I won't touch a chick or nothing.

Manny, Manny, will you buy me a tennis court?

Oh you can have a racquet, balls, everything oh.

It's mine.

Manny!

Come here.

Nobody move,

I've got my eye on this whole place.

Now back off, nice and easy.

Nobody moves, nobody gets hurt.

Nice and easy, come on.

Okay. - Come on, that's it.

That's it.

What's happening, Manny?

Manny!

Come back here, hey you.

Manny. - Hey, everybody let's run.

Stop him.

I'm through running.

I'm through running!

- What's happening? - You'll never take me alive!

What's going on, Manny?

Manny, so tell me what's happening.

Hey.

Oh Danny, you were absolutely fearless.

No I wasn't Lorraine, I'm just plain old Danny

a nice guy, same as I've always been.

And if it wasn't good enough for you before,

it's not good enough for you now.

But Danny, you saved my life.

I didn't know what you were really like until you did that.

I'm not really like that Lorraine, I'm just,

I mean I was scared to death when I clobbered that guy

and you might as well know it, I'm no hero.

I'm just Danny, maybe that's all I'll ever be.

Oh. - But if you wanna get

to know me for how I really am, well,

we could go for that pizza.

But if you're looking for some Superman, well, so long.

Danny.

Yeah, yeah, we got the folk.

On the radio folks, and we have come up

with the cat who knows where it's at.

I mean hey team, take it from gorilla man,

Gordon Kong, let's hear it for contestant

numero uno, number one winner, wiz!

J make way for the lover j

j make way for the lover j

j make way for the lover j

j girl, I'm gonna get your heart yeah j

j make way for the lover j

j I bet I'm gonna get what you got j

j I'm on my way to your town j

j your town usa j

j never parade my loving now j

j here's what you're gonna say j

j make way for the lover j

j make way for the lover j

j; Make way j

j; Make way j

j make way for the lover j

j make way for the lover j

j girl, I'm gonna get your heart j!

J yeah j

j make way for the lover j

j I bet I never miss my Mark j

j I know your med school's got you good

j but that don't bother me oh no j

j when I come knocking on your door girl &

j you better be ready to go j

j make way for the lover j

j make way for the lover j

j make way for the lover j

j make way for the lover &

j now check me out &

J; Make way j

j make way for the lover j

j yeah yeah j

j make way for the lover j

j girl I'm gonna get your heart yeah j

j make way for the lover girl &

j man I could get what you got

j yeah yeah yeah j

j make way for the lover j

j come on j

j make way j

j I'm a lover j

j gonna stay all the way j

j make way j

j make way for the lover j

j oh j

j make way j

j make way for the lover j

j come on, discover j

j; Make way j

j make way for the lover j

j for the lover j

j for the lover &

j for the lover, for the lover j

j come on j

j; Make way j

j come on j

j make way for the lover j

J come on down to record city &

j record city, usa j

j you can dance to the beat j

j pat your feet &

j shake your blues away j

j and the girls are always broody j

j down at record city j

j and you can boogie j

j boogie your way j

j boogie j

j boogie your way j

j you just jump on bump Avenue j

j truck on down to 90 degrees j

j rock into the beat and rolling to the west j

j don't forget to think of money you love best &

j bring it down to record city

j record city, usofa I!

J you can dance your feet j

j jump to the beat &

j shake your blues away j

j do ah diddy j

j you find the real good degrade j

j you can boogie mama j

j boogie your way j

j boogie j

j boogie your way j

j they like to shake that stuff &

j from Memphis to kalamazoo j

j they like to shake that stuff &

j California to the white house too j

js woo &

j even the rhinestone cowboy j

j singing yippee kio kyae j