All language subtitles for Last of the Red Hot Lovers.1972.EN

Get up.

Come on, get up.

I'm up, I'm up.

Some days, I don't even have
to look at my watch.

See that?

I have to piddle so badly.

I think I'll have French toast
for breakfast.

I used to love French toast
when I was a kid.

Can't get good bread anymore...
all that white, pasty crap.

I'll have eggs.

How can she sleep like that?

Look at her.

Well, she's got nothing
on her mind.

What does she care?

I could kick her...
she wouldn't wake up.

Watch.

Incredible.

Her skin feels nice...

smooth and warm.

43 years old...
she's still built pretty good.

Look at this... 8:00 in the
morning, I'm getting sexy.

A lot of good it'll do me.

Thelma?

Thelma, you feel romantic?

Huh?

I'll have oatmeal.

Haven't had oatmeal
in a long time.

Looks cold out.

Oh, God, I hate the winter.

All I need is snow today.

That'll really kill business.

Please, God, don't let it snow.

Thank you, God. Amen.

I look older than yesterday.

Tomorrow, I'll look older
than today.

Another few years, it's over.

Please, God,
don't let it be over yet.

Let something terrific happen...
anything, God...

just as long as it's something.
Amen.

That's it. Sit here.

Spend a whole life
sitting on the expressway.

Sorry!

What are you sorry for?

You're always the one
who's sorry.

"Blow it out your keester,
Charlie."

That's what I should've said.

That's pretty.

So many pretty girls today.

When I was a kid, there was
maybe six, seven pretty girls.

Today, they're all pretty.

Nothing... like I wasn't there.

If I was a football player,

she'd throw me her phone number
and pay my toll.

Sorry. Full up.

- Okay, it's me.
- Well, we're full up, mister.

What are you talking about?

I'm the guy from the restaurant.

- I always park here.
- Oh, yeah.

I didn't recognize
you, Mister, uh...

Cashman.
Barney Cashman.

Three years I been parking
in this place.

You don't recognize me yet?

I-I'm bad on names.

Uh, to me, you're just
a 1971 black Chrysler.

I'm not even a person anymore.

I'm a 1971 black Chrysler.

Look how they dress today:
purple suits.

Wonder how I'd look
in a purple suit.

I would look like a 45-year-old
idiot in a purple suit.

Hey!

What are you, crazy?
Almost killed me!

Sorry.
I didn't see you.

You didn't see me?!
I'm standing right here!

I got a hat and coat
and brown shoes on!

How can you miss me?

I missed you.
I didn't notice you.

I could rob a bank,
nobody would look up.

Oh, that's pretty.

That's gorgeous.

Standing next to me
is a gorgeous person.

Say something.

Tell her how beautiful she is.

What's she going to do,
call a cop?

Maybe she'll say thank you.

Maybe she's lonely, divorced,

doesn't know anybody
in New York.

You're the first person
who's talked to her.

Tell her quickly, idiot!
The light is changing!

- Excuse me.
- Yes?

Which way is Fifth Avenue?

Uh, that way.

God, what if somebody saw me.

I must be crazy.

I got a wife, a family,
a good business.

Forget it.
Thank you, God.

Thank you for saving me.
Amen.

Good morning, Mr. Cashman.

Cold enough for you?

Yes, Mickey,
it's cold enough for me.

The paper says snow.

Uh, be good weather
if you're a duck.

If you're a duck.

If you're a duck.
That's funny.

That's good, Mickey.

Go sweep in the corners.

Good morning, Mr. Cashman.

How many times
do I have to tell you

to tell Mickey
to put his teeth in?

This is a restaurant;
people eat here.

They get nauseous
if there's a man with no teeth.

I tell him, he doesn't hear.

The-the ladies' toilet
is stuffed up again.

Why do they wait to brush
their hair in my toilets?

Call the plumber.
What else?

Your mother called.

- What did she want?
- Sympathy.

She has a pain
in her right side.

Call her and tell her
I said, "Oh, my God.

That's terrible."

People are on planes
flying to Paris,

and I'm busy
with stuffed-up toilets.

I don't want to hear about
your broken delivery truck!

I don't have any clean linen!

I got... I got people here

with lemon and butter sauce
all over their fingers.

What are they supposed to wipe
their hands on, each other?

No, no, no, no,
don't tell me paper napkins!

I got a high-class
restaurant here!

Put 'em in a taxi.

What's the matter
with the clams?

- A man says they're sandy.
- The man's crazy.

We don't have sandy clams.

He's not crazy.
These clams are sandy.

Metz, wash the sand out
of the clams, for God's sake!

What is this, Rockaway Beach?

And the woman at 27
wants to see you.

What's the matter with 27?

She just wants to see you.

It's her again.
Fourth time this week.

What's a good-looking woman
like that

eating fish
four times a week for?

She likes fish, that's why.

What'd you think it was, you?

She finds you so attractive,
she can't stay away?

She's not looking for romance.

She's looking
for a nice lobster tail.

Still, it would be nice:
for one afternoon in your life

to get to know someone
like that...

to share a few
intimate moments.

Is that too much to ask
of life?

Yeah, it's too much.

Go on, smile at her.

Say, "Anything I can do
for you?"

She'll say,
"My clam chowder's cold." Watch.

Anything I can do for you?

I wouldn't be at all surprised.

Crazy. I must be crazy.

Why am I doing this?

I know why, and I'm crazy.

How much is that?

What'd you say?

- How much is that?
- Uh, $2.60.

Ten dollars?
I haven't got change.

Keep the change,
keep the change.

I'm Susan.
What's your name?

- What?
- What's your name?

- My name is George.
- George what?

What difference does it make?

I don't live in this building.

Come on, don't panic.

Your wife is never going
to meet that little girl.

Don't panic.

Ma, are you home?

Ma?

Hello, Harriet.
Mr. Cashman.

Everything all right?

Good, good.

Listen, I won't be in until 5:00

I'm at the dentist's office.

Yes, it's very, very,
very painful.

Listen, if my wife calls,

tell her I'm working
in the kitchen.

I don't want to worry her.

What's that, nurse?

The doctor's ready for me now?

Harriet, I'll talk to you.

I'll see you at 5:00.

I must be out of my mind.

My heart won't stop pounding.

I'm getting out.

Oh, God.

One minute!

Please, God, don't let me
humiliate myself. Amen.

Oh, hello.
I... I was in the kitchen.

I didn't hear
the doorbell ring.

Any chance of coming in?

Yes, yes, please.

How are you?

Very nice.

Aren't you staying?

Me? Yes, certainly.
Why-Why do you ask?

You've got your hat on.

Ah!

Are you cold
or is that a religious thing?

No, no.

I-I, uh, I didn't know
I had it on.

Uh, I... I wasn't sure
you were coming.

I wasn't sure, either.

But I came.

Anyway, hello.

I'm sorry, I-I forget your name.

You're forgiven.
Elaine Navazio.

Oh, really, really?

Don't tell me I'm wrong.

No, no,
you just don't look like

an "Elaine Navazio" to me,
that's all.

Oh, no?
What, then?

Well, you look more...
more of an Irene.

Irene? You think
I look like Irene?

No, I look like Elaine Navazio.

Uh, are you of Italian origin...
uh, Navazio?

No, I'm of Polish persuasion.

Aha.

Mr. Navazio was
of Italian origin.

Uh-huh, huh.

What, uh, what extraction
are you of?

Oh, a little Russian,
a little Lithuanian.

Uh, were your parents born
in this country?

I forget.

Would you like me to give them
a call and find out?

No, no, I was just
making conversation.

That's the kitchen.

I figured.

No bedroom.

No, no.

Well, the couch opens
up into a bed.

It's a convertible.

Yippee.

You like it quiet like this?

I mean, no talking?

I'm sorry, I just, uh, ran out

of conversation for a minute.

Are you nervous?

The truth? Yes.
Are you?

The truth? No.

Well, good, good.

There's no point
in both of us being nervous.

You-you mentioned Mr. Navazio.

So, uh...

so I assume you're married.

Mr. Navazio assumes I'm married.

I assume what I want.

Aha.
The reason I ask is, uh,

you see, I didn't see
any wedding ring.

Uh... I hope...

It's hard,
it's hard to know if...

Have you got a cigarette?

A cigarette? My God,

wouldn't you rather have
some water?

I can't smoke water.

You're not,
you're not sick, are you?

In what way?

In a, in a sick way.

I mean that's a terrible cough
you got there.

If it bothers you,
I won't do it again.

No, it doesn't bother me.
I thought it might bother you.

If it bothered me,
I wouldn't do it, would I?

You're not going to give me
that cigarette, are you?

Uh, I don't smoke.

Don't you keep something
in the apartment?

Oh, this isn't
my apartment.

This is my mother's apartment.

You're not actively serious,
are you?

Oh, yes, I am.

I'm very serious.

This is where my mother lives.

Is she going to join us?

No, no.
She works two days a week

for Mount Sinai Hospital,

but she doesn't
get home until 5:00.

Ten after 3:00.

This is going to be
a spine-tingler.

I didn't know
where else to come.

Would you like a drink?

Desperately.

I only have scotch.

Is that all right?

Fine.

You brought glasses, too.

Afraid if you dirtied
your mother's glasses

she'd know
someone was here.

Well, my mother's a very, very
meticulous woman,

and if anything
was to look different

when she came home,

it would be very,
very hard to explain.

I think you did the smart thing.

How many ice cubes
did you bring?

I didn't go quite that far.

Why, would you like ice?

I'll be very happy
to get you some ice.

Forget it. We'd spend
the rest of the afternoon

wiping fingerprints
off the trays.

You see, my mother remembers

exactly how high the pillows

were puffed when she was...
when she left.

I guess, I guess

I'm not very good
at all this, huh?

Forget it.

It's very sweet.

Thank you.

Listen, are you going to, uh,
keep talking soft all day?

Was I talking soft?

Mm-hmm.

Are you talking soft
because you think that's sexy?

'Cause I don't find it sexy.

I find it hard to hear.

No.

No, it's just that

these new buildings
have paper-thin walls,

and, uh, my mother's got
this high squeaky voice

and there's an old lady
that lives next door

who's home all day,

and if she were
to hear deep voices,

she'd begin to wonder.

So what's the plan?

You whisper
and I clean the house

in a high squeaky voice?

No, no.

We'll both just keep
talking naturally.

You got a pencil
and paper?

We could pass notes.

I-I never know when
you're kidding me.

I was just kidding you.

Don't pay
any attention to me.

I'm... I'm beginning
to feel very foolish.

I don't know what to say to you.

Say nice things.

You're an attractive woman.

- Yeah.
- That's it?

Okay, cheers.

Is that your wife
I see once in a while

in the restaurant:

tall blonde with a mink coat
and the space shoes?

Yes. My God,
how did you know that?

She's always got her hand
in the cash register.

Ah, ha, ah,
that's just on Fridays.

She, she goes to the bank
on Fridays.

You sure you don't
want some ice?

Positive.

You just did it again.

Did what?

Smelled your fingers.

That's the third time

you've smelled your fingers
since I'm here.

Did I do that?

I wasn't even conscious of it.

Is that an occupational hazard?

Owning a fish restaurant

and always wondering
how your fingers smell?

Well, see, I-I handle
a lot of fish every day.

And I've used soap, I've used
after-shave lotion,

I've use perfume, I've
even used turpentine.

All of it's all right
for a couple hours.

4:00 in the afternoon,

it comes back in
again like the tide.

I know it's, it's not the
suavest thing in the world

going around smelling
your fingers, right?

The smelly fingers
don't bother me

as much as that blue suit.

Don't you ever wear
anything else?

Oh, no, not in the restaurant.

My father told me
a businessman

must always wear
a dignified blue suit.

You never had a wild,

crazy desire
for a brown sport jacket?

Oh, I have
sports jackets.

I wear them
all the time.

I'm not as staid
as you think I am.

Yes, you are.
"Staid" is a very staid word.

You got a car?

Oh, yeah.

Four-door black sedan,
right?

How did you know that?

Goes with the blue suits.

You know, you're a very
unusual woman.

I mean, like coming
to my restaurant

four times
in one week.

Is that a special
high-protein diet?

I get cravings.

What kind of cravings?

To eat, to touch, to smell,
to see, to do.

A physical sensual pleasure

that can only be satisfied
at that particular moment.

Yes, yes, like after an hour
of handball,

a cold bottle of Pepsi.

I'm going to have trouble
with you, right?

I have a craving
for another scotch.

Coming right up.

Caught you again.

No, no, no, no.

I wasn't smelling my fingers,

I was looking at my watch.

Oh, is it time
to smell your fingers yet?

No, no, I was thinking
about my mother,

but we've got plenty of time.

What time is it?
3:15.

Quarter after 3:00.

Mount Sinai lets out at 5:00.

That's an hour and 45 minutes.

Okay, you want to make
the first move?

Okay, you want to make
the first move?

Boy, you're very open
about things, aren't you?

In other words, you're not going
to make the first move.

Yes, I am, certainly.

I thought we'd just finish
our drink.

It's your schedule.

You know, Mrs. Navazio,
you're...

If you're going to keep
calling me Mrs. Navazio,

you better get out
a deck of cards.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Irene.

- Elaine!
- Elaine.

Try Elaine, you'll get
a better response.

I don't know why
I called you Irene.

Is your wife Irene?

No, my wife is,
uh... Thelma.

Well, let her
worry about Irene.

Okay, the thing
is, Elaine...

Yes, Barney?

Barney, yes.
Please, please.

Call me Barney.

What else have
I got to do?

Yes, the thing is,

I, I find you
a very attractive woman.

We did that line.

Yes, well, you know,

I'm not
George Bernard Shaw.

You got to start
somewhere.

Not that I don't write
a little bit myself.

In fact, you've read
some of my stuff.

I have? Where?

Oh, yes.
In the menu.

Sweet savory
salmon saut�

swimming in salivary
succulence.

That's mine.

That's very catchy.
It has a nice beat.

Thank you. Uh, you know,
they call that "alliteration."

Or did you read the one:
flaming Florentine flounder.

I browsed through it.

What time is it now?

3:16.

That's another minute shot.

What is it going to be?

Boy, you really come
to the point, don't you?

Look, did you ask me up
here with the intentions

of having an affair
or not?

Well, in a manner of speaking...

Yes or no?

I thought
we'd talk for a while.

- Yes or no?
- Yes.

And that we have to be
out of here by 5:00?

I didn't put it
quite that bluntly.

What time do we have
to be out of here?

5:00.

Look, I don't deny my intentions
were romantic in nature.

Romantic?

In your mother's
clean apartment

with two glasses
from Bloomingdale's

and your rubbers dripping
on the newspapers?

It was my belief
that romance is inspired

by the participants and
not the accouterments.

Well, that's
beautifully worded.

You ought to use it on
the cherry stone clams.

What's the matter?

Is having an affair
a dirty expression?

Certainly not.

Having an affair,
what's wrong with that?

I may be staid,
but I'm not a prude.

The hell you're not.

I bet I could say
three words right now

that would turn that blue
suit into a glen plaid.

You're very silly,
Elaine.

I'm going to say it.
I'm going to say a word.

You want to put your
hands over your ears?

That's not funny.

I'm saying it: screw.

Asshole!
I can do that, too.

I mean, I don't understand
the point of all this.

The point is that
we have a time problem

and you're reading me
fish poetry.

I just thought you'd like to
know a little bit about me.

Besides,
hotels are dangerous.

People can see you there.

Forget it. Forget it.

You're very courageous.

I'm surprised you took a chance

giving me that extra shrimp
in the shrimp cocktail.

You intend
using that bottle again

or are you going
to turn it into a lamp?

You finished the
other one already?

I didn't finish it,
it evaporated.

Elaine...

can I ask you a very

personal question?

Yes, I've done this before.

You have?

I have.

If it'll help your vanity any,
you are the first

owner of a fish restaurant
I've ever been with.

In that sense,
I'm still a virgin.

Well, I would gather then

that you're not
too happy with Mr. Navazio.

What the hell
kind of question is that?

I didn't come up here
to get reformed.

It's bad enough you got me
to quit smoking.

Leave my sex life alone.

All right,
all right.

I'm, I'm very sorry,
I apologize.

It's none of my business.

Anyway, uh,
what I'm getting at is,

I know why
I asked you here.

Did you come up here
because...

Isn't that funny?
I...

find it difficult
to come out and say it.

Would you like me
to wait in the kitchen?

No, no.

Am I appealing to you?

Yes.

I am?

Now you appeal to me.

What do you mean "now"?

You mean possibly not tomorrow?

I mean possibly not
in 15 minutes.

I have a short span
of concentration.

Well, see,
I find that disturbing.

Do you really?

Yes, I do.

I find it disturbing
and a little sad

that your attitude towards
people is so detached.

Well, you'll get over it.

And if not, there are those
little pills you can take.

Look, I didn't
mean anything.

Don't get upset.

Who's upset?

I had a terrific time.

You're a great host,
Mr. Cashman.

You're a nice, soft talker,

you pour a small but
beautiful glass of scotch

and my compliments to your
mother's housekeeping.

Where are
you going?

Out in the street to look for
cigarette butts and then home.

But don't worry, no one will
notice me leaving the building.

I'll walk out backwards.

What'd I say?

Why are you so upset?

You've got some kind of nerve
getting me up here

in this furniture museum
and that shiny blue suit

with your thimble full of scotch

sitting there
smelling your fingers

and telling me
I give you the blues.

When did I say that?

I'm not depressed,
I'm not sad.

I'm very happy.

Listen, I don't have
any change.

Let me have 30 cents.

Maybe I'll get
luckier on the bus.

Please, don't run out.

Let me just
say something.

Say something?

You've already talked away
half of our allotted time.

Now you'll use the other half
to wipe my lip prints

off the glasses,
puff up the pillows

and get the hell out of here.

Just lower your voice.

Lower my voice?

Shh.

Mr. Cashman is using
his mother's apartment

to bang broads!

What's the sense of that?

Don't tell me I depress you,
you flaming Florentine flounder.

I ended up with
a goddamn leprechaun.

Elaine, Elaine, you're getting
yourself unduly upset.

Unduly upset?

I'm risking a silver
bullet between the eyes,

I can't even get
a lousy cigarette.

Water, I'll get you water.

Oh, God, what if she gets sick
and dies in the living room?

How am I going to explain

a dead Polish woman
to my mother?

Boy, your chest sounds
all congested.

Have you ever tried
sleeping with a vaporizer?

No, but don't worry,

I'll get around to everyone.

Well, I sure bungled this
whole thing, didn't I?

You want it straight?

I'm sorry I wasted your time.

I'm sure you could have found
something better to do

than sitting here
all afternoon with me.

All right, don't get choked up.

I can't stand a choked-up
44-year-old man.

Is that how old
I look to you, 44?

Cut right down
to the marrow, huh?

No, actually, you look
like a college kid.

21, 22.

Come on, Elaine.

It was your black socks
with the clocks on them

that threw me off.

Well, actually, I'm flattered,
because I'm 45.

Does that surprise you?

It's a good thing I was
sitting down when you told me.

You're still upset about what
I said before, aren't you?

I'm not upset.

I'm not angry, I'm not mad.

If you want the plain,
heartbreaking truth,

I'm a little bored.

No harm was done,
no one got hurt.

The worst that'll happen

is from now on I'll get
the same five shrimps

as everyone else.

It's been a glorious and
memorable 30 minutes.

Elaine, do you know what I wish?

I wish we could start

this whole thing over again
from the beginning.

Doesn't everyone, Barney?

Ciao.

Damn you, why didn't
you say something?

Why didn't you grab her?

Stupid.

Talk, talk, talk,
that's all you can do,

you dumb talking idiot.

I just happened to be
in the neighborhood.

I thought I'd drop by.

I wonder if I could please...

Oh, Christ!

You all right?

My goddamn lip is bleeding.

I'm sorry, Elaine.

If you wanted me on the sofa,

why didn't you just point to it?

I didn't want you on the sofa.

I'm sorry, Elaine.
Let me see your lip.

It's a bleeding lip.
You've seen them before.

Let me have your handkerchief.

Okay, here.
Stupid idiot.

I don't know why
I kissed you so hard.

It was a terrific kiss.

A little pointy, maybe,
but very nice.

- Help me up.
- Yeah.

It stopped.

Here, you better burn this.

Yeah.

How 'bout a little
more scotch?

How 'bout a lot more?

You packed the glasses already?

You didn't wax
the floors, too, did you?

Some klutz I am, huh?

World's champion
Olympic klutz.

Listen, it was the best
two minutes we've had.

I'm not one to knock
a little physical contact.

Boy, I never saw
anybody who could

change moods so quickly.

I don't think you're
as tough

as you like to sound.

Are we going to hold hands now?

I wish I could figure you out.

I wish I knew what was going on

in that brain of yours
right now.

Listen, we're not going
to get in one of those

talking things again are
we, without cigarettes?

What were you like
as a little girl?

Fat and pimply.

Don't you even smoke a pipe?

All I need is a couple of drags.

My God, is that the only
thing you can think of?

Is that the most important
thing in your life right now?

Isn't there anything else more
important to you than a lousy,

goddamn, mentholated,
filter-tip cigarette?

Well, what else are you offering
that's more enjoyable?

I'm trying to talk to you,
I'm trying

to get to know you
as a human being.

Is there anything
wrong with that?

No, not if we didn't

have to be out by 5:00.

If you wanted information,

I could've filled out
a form in the restaurant.

Tell me the truth.

Would you be a lot happier

if I started ripping
your clothes off

and jumping all over you?

Just a pure, physical,
animal act,

is that what you
would prefer?

Well, it would be a nice
way of breaking the ice.

Because if that's
what you would prefer,

I can certainly
accommodate you.

Okay, accommodate me.

Okay, come here.

No, I can't.

I just think that's crude.

I-I-I, I may not
know you very well,

but I thought we could start off
this relationship

with at least some mutual
respect for each other.

If you don't know me,
how could you respect me?

Because I respect you
as a human being, as a woman.

I-I-I do respect that,
yes, I do.

30,000 sexy guys
in New York City,

I get a guy that respects women.

Can I pour this myself?

I promise I won't
go past the pencil mark.

Is it possible that you're
actually as cold as you sound?

I need gloves
to take off my underwear.

Flippant, wise and cold.

You don't permit yourself

to be honest and open
for a minute, do you?

Barney, I'm going
to give you one free hint

so the afternoon
isn't a total write-off.

If you want undying love
and romance,

take a guitar and go to Spain.

I'm leaving, for good.

My peak has ebbed.

Cold, callous and unemotional.

Those are my attorneys.

You know where to get
in touch with them.

Forgive me for saying so,

but it's pretty frightening way
of going through life.

You're forgiven.

Frightening, sad and pitiful.

You soul-searching,
finger-smelling hypocrite.

Who are you to tell anybody
how to go through life?

What would you have done
if I came in here

all fluttery and blushing
and, "Oh, Mr. Cashman,

don't put your hand there,
I'm a married woman"?

Would you have told me how much
you admired me? Respect me?

And at the moment
of truth, even love me?

You know damn well, tomorrow
you'll be back behind

that counter opening your clams
and oysters and praying to God

I never come back
into your restaurant.

And you know something,
that's the way it should be.

Forgive me for the terrible,
sinful thing I'm about to say,

but I happen to like the pure,
physical act of making love.

It warms me, it stimulates me

and it makes me
feel like a woman.

But that's another ugly story.

That's what I came up here for,

and that's what you
were expecting.

I don't know about
your problems.

I don't care.

Keep your savory salmon
saut� stories to yourself.

Nobody really cares
about anything

or anyone in this world
except himself,

and there's only one way to get
through it with your sanity.

If you can't taste it,
touch it or smell it, forget it.

You want a copy of that speech,

send 25 cents and
a self-addressed envelope.

Please don't go yet.

Wait five more minutes.

It's getting late.

I have to feed
the lion at 6:00.

If I have to lock you in,
I'm going to lock you in.

You saw me opening clams, you
know I'm stronger than you.

Well, wouldn't you know it.

Quarter of 4:00 and you finally
show me some brute force.

Just sit there.

Don't talk, don't cough,
don't breathe.

Just sit there and shut up
until I tell you you can go.

If I get nothing else
from you this afternoon,

it's going to be your undivided
goddamned attention.

Excuse me.

I'm sure it will not be
a shock for you to find out

that you are my first attempt
at extramarital affair

in 22 years of marriage.

I got married at the age of 23,
after having gone steady

with the same girl
since I was 16 years old.

And how many experiences with
other women do you think I had

prior to getting married?

One.

I had one shot at it.

When I was 18, my brother
took me to an apartment

in Newark, New Jersey,
where I consorted with

a 44-year-old woman who greeted
me lying naked on a brass bed

reading a movie magazine.

It cost me $7.00
and I threw up all night long.

In the next three days,
I took 12 baths, nine showers,

and I didn't touch anybody
in my family for two months.

I don't smoke, I don't gamble,

and you've had more
to drink this afternoon

than I've had in my entire life.

I have never had a car accident.

I've never had a broken bone.

I have never had
a temperature over 102.

Life has not only
been very kind to me,

it goes out of its
way to ignore me.

I have three children
I'm very proud of.

I have a wife who's kind,
considerate, devoted to me

and who I happen to love!

So, why, after
22 years of marriage,

do I write my mother's address
on the back of a check,

buy a bottle of scotch
and two glasses

and pray to God
I never get caught?!

Why?!
I'll tell you why!

I don't know why!

I've never had
the urge before!

Well...

Well, that's not true.

I started getting the urge
about two years ago.

I'm 45 years old,

and for the first time in
my life, I think about dying.

I read the obituaries every day,

just for the satisfaction
of not seeing my name there.

I constantly think about it,
what it's going to be like,

how I'm going to bear up
under it.

You know, I even practice dying.

I lay there in bed at night,

and I try to feel myself
slipping away.

I let my head fall over
to one side,

then I let out my last breath.

Then I jump up
and rush to the bathroom

and take two sleeping pills,

because I'm up
the rest of the night

sacred out of my wits.

But it's inevitable,
it's going to happen.

And I say to myself, I say,

"Barney, have you
really enjoyed it?

Has it really been
a terrific life?"

And I answer, I say,
"Well, I wouldn't say terrific.

It's been nice."

The sum total
of my existence is "nice."

I shall go to my grave
having lived a nice life.

And they will bury me
in my nice blue suit.

And my wife will weep for me
and mourn for me

and maybe in six months marry
another nice fella,

maybe give him
my brown sports jacket.

And I-I wouldn't condemn her
for it.

It's inevitable.

It's the natural order
of things.

But while it's going on,
couldn't it be more than nice?!

Couldn't I just once
have something in my life

besides just opening
my restaurant

every morning at 11:00?

Couldn't I once give in

to my secret dreams,
my fantasies?

Experience things?

Stimulants, emotions
I've never experienced before?

I've wanted to see what it
was like with another woman.

Would I be successful?

Would she like me?
Would I like the touch of her?

A thousand questions
I've never been able to answer

if suddenly my name was on
that obituary tomorrow morning.

So, I started looking around...

but I promise you,

with all intentions
of having just one affair,

just one day of pleasure,
and that's all.

But if it was going to be
one day,

then I wanted it
to be something that would

last me the
rest of my life.

Not cheap, not sordid.

Then I'll go back
to opening the restaurant

every morning at 11:00,

but knowing that,
for one brief moment,

I had somehow changed
the pattern of my life.

And that for once,
I didn't just exist.

That I lived.

I was going to cry
in the middle,

but I didn't want to wet
your mother's carpet.

Well, I was hoping
you would understand,

but I didn't really expect it.

No, listen, it was
terrifically entertaining.

I really enjoyed it.

There's just one or two reasons,
though,

why I couldn't feel
too sympathetic for the hero.

In the first place,
there's a very good possibility

that that 44-year-old woman
in Newark, New Jersey,

was my mother.

That'll give you some idea
of my background.

And in the second place,

any man who expects to have
a memorable and enchanting day

of honest love with a woman
he picks up in a fish restaurant

is either sexually retarded
or a latent idiot.

And in the third place,

no one gives a good crap
about you dying,

because a lot of people
discovered it ahead of you.

We're all dying, Mr. Cashman.

I passed away
about six months ago, myself.

I'm just hanging around

to clean up
some business affairs.

Together, Barney, we blew

one of the very few
free afternoons

we have allotted to us
in this life.

I'm not putting
the blame on you.

Serves me right.
If I'd had a craving

for corned beef and cabbage
instead of halibut,

I'd be in some big
Irishman's apartment now,

having the time of my life.

C'est la vie.

Good luck, Barney, in your quest
for the impossible dream.

And please, God, let there be

a cigarette machine
in the lobby.

I will never, never,
never do that again.

I'm up.
I'm alive another day.

Thank you, God.
Amen.

Feels hot out.

God forbid the air conditioner
breaks down.

Can you believe a woman

has slept in that position
22 years?

Never turns.

Maybe it's not even her.

I'll look tomorrow.

Me again.

Always me.

I can't get a break.

Another beauty
to drive me crazy all day.

Who's she waving at?
Couldn't be me.

God doesn't like me that much.

All right, all right!

Don't get excited, Barney,
but maybe this is it!

Maybe this is it!

Hello, there.
Can I help you?

You've got a flat tire.

Pull it over, pull it over.

I have a flat!

Sorry.

Oh, hello, Mrs. Cashman.

I'm sorry,
I can't hear you very well.

It's a madhouse in here.

The air conditioner broke down.

No, Mr. Cashman just stepped out
for a little fresh air.

He wasn't feeling
very well today.

Flat tire and a broken air
conditioner in one day?

A man's entitled to an hour off.

Is anyone sitting here?

No, no, nobody's
sitting here.

Thank you.

It's empty, all empty.

Do you have the time?

Yes, I do.

Oh, the time.

Yes... uh, it's, uh, 20 after.

After what?

After what?

1:00! 20 after 1:00
is the time.

Thank you.

It's my complete pleasure.

Don't start in.

Remember the last time.

Beautiful day, isn't it?

You think so?

Oh, yes, I do.

I... I was just saying to myself

what a beautiful day this is.

Would you... would you care
for a fresh-roasted peanut?

That's very kind of you.
Thank you, no.

Are you waiting for anyone?

I thought I saw somebody
follow me into the park.

I didn't like his looks.

Oh, you have to be
so careful these days.

Especially somebody
that looks like you.

You sure you wouldn't care
for a peanut?

Well, maybe just one.

I wasn't sure what you
had in mind at first.

But you seem
all right to me.

Oh, I am.
I'm, uh, very nice.

I'm all right.

Are you... are you
in the theatrical profession?

How did you guess?

Oh, I don't know.

You're just built
very theatrically.

Bobbi Michele.
I'm a professional singer.

What time is it again?

20 after 1:00.

I've got an audition at
3:00 for a Broadway show.

Oh, that's wonderful.
Good luck.

Except I can't
audition without
an accompanist.

Only you can't get
a good accompanist

these days for less than $20.

Only I can't get my
hands on $20 before 3:00,

because my agent is in
Bermuda getting married.

I'm just out of luck, I guess.

Which is the way the breaks
have been going for me lately.

If you want to
believe that sad story.

Oh, I do, I do.

That's a... that's a shame.

Well, at least I've met
someone in New York

I'm not afraid to talk to.

Well, I've got to rustle up
$20 somewhere.

It was nice talking to you.

Yes, very nice to talk to you.

Thanks for the peanut.

Oh, you're-you're welcome.

Bye.

Bye.

You jerk!
You stupid, dumb jerk!

Why didn't you say something?!

You'll never have
a chance like that again

if you live to be a thousand!

- Excuse me?
- Oh, hello!

Nice to see you again.

Can I ask you a
personal question?

Yes, as personal
as you like.

We don't know each
other, is that right?

No... I... uh, no.

I mean, I've never
seen you before,

and you've never
seen me before.

No, no, I swear.

I-I've never seen you
or you me before.

So, what I'm going to
ask you may seem strange,

and I would not be offended
if you were to say no.

Well, I might not say no.
Why don't you ask me?

Well, this audition is
very important to me.

It's the lead in
a new, big musical.

Now, if you were to lend
me, a total stranger,

the $20 to get
the accompanist,

I promise you,
and I cross my heart...

I will come tomorrow to
your place of business

or wherever you live...

your house or your apartment...

and I will repay you
the $20, plus...

give you my undying gratitude

and express to you

my deepest
and sincerest appreciation.

What would you say to that?

Take $30.

You'll-you'll need cab fare.

Thank you.

Hmm.

Hello, Harriet?

Mr. Cashman.

I'm in the barbershop, Harriet.

My chair is ready, Harriet.

I'll speak to you later.

Amen.

Oh, thank God,
air conditioning.

You know, it's
130 degrees outside.

I almost passed out twice.

- Hi. Bobbi Michele.
- Hello.

We met in the park yesterday.

Yes, yes, certainly.
Come in, come in.

I was wandering up and down
the hall.

All these apartments
look alike.

Oh, this is nice.

I like this.

I wasn't sure
I'd be here on time.

I just got through
with my audition.

Oh, God, that's better.

I did get the
accompanist, and I...

I did get the
accompanist,

and I am here personally
to thank you for it.

But here I am
talking and talking

and I really haven't
even said hello yet.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Hello.
Remember me?

I certainly do.

God, I talk a lot
when I get nervous.

Have you noticed that?

Are you... are you nervous?

Oh, not about you.

I just had a terrible experience

with the cab driver.

Well, listen, I don't
want to go into it.

No, no, what happened?

He wanted to make it with me

under the Manhattan Bridge
during his lunch hour.

Well, can we just not
talk about it?

I must look awful.

No, not at all.
You look lovely.

Oh, I don't.

Give me three minutes,
I'll dazzle you.

Did you get shorter?

Shorter? Since yesterday?

Why do you look shorter?

I don't know, uh...

sometimes a blue suit.

- Flats.
- Flats?

I was wearing flats yesterday.

I put on heels
for the audition today.

You didn't get shorter,
I got taller.

I'm goofy today.

Must be the heat.

No, no, I think you're charming.

Oh, I know I'm charming,

but I'm also a goofball,

which I think is part
of my charm.

No, I think, you're...

I'm very open about things.

Open, open.

That's why I'm always
getting myself into trouble.

- I love that mustache.
- Thank you.

When did you grow that?

Oh, about four years ago.

Are you sure?

I didn't notice a
mustache yesterday.

Oh, yes, it was there.

It's always there.

Then who did I meet yesterday

without a mustache?

I don't really know.

Well, I can't
think straight.

Back in New York three days

and this is what happens.

Can I have a drink?

Yes.

What would you like,
vodka, scotch?

Can you imagine the nerve
of that cab driver?

I wrote his name down:
Max Shoenstein.

I was going to report
him to the police,

but he started to cry.

Tears pouring down his face.

I thought his cigar
would go out.

Then he pleaded with me.

He's married 27 years,
with a son in Vietnam,

and that he didn't
mean any harm.

And I felt sorry for him.

So I said I wouldn't
report him.

So he thanked me
and asked me to reconsider

going under
the Manhattan Bridge.

How do I look, better?

Marvelous.

Nothing for me, thanks.

It happens to me all the time.

Coming in on the plane
from California,

the man sitting next to me

kept feeling me up
all during the movie.

He was feeling you?

Well, he said he was looking
for the dial

to turn up the volume.

Oh, is this your terrace?

Why didn't you
say something to him?

Well, he was Chinese.

I didn't want to seem bigoted.

Then he has the nerve
to call me

in the middle of the night,
some strange Chinaman.

How'd he get your number?

I don't know.

I must've given it to him
or something.

Look, it's over.
Let's forget it.

Am I talking too much?

No, no, no.
Those are incredible stories.

Could I have
a drink please?

A drink...
what a good idea.

I don't know why
they single me out.

I'm always getting these
obscene telephone calls.

There's an awful lot
of that around.

So what'll it be?

I get these calls
wherever I go.

Once, I wasn't home,
they left an obscene message.

My goodness.

Ugh, I hate soft centers, mm.

What time is it?

I have to make a call.

May I?

I don't have one on me.

So what is it, vodka, scotch?

What do you do, anyway...
for a living?

Oh, uh, I'm a writer.

I write sea stories.

I knew a writer in California.

A registered weirdo.

He used to write
pornographic movies.

You know,
Sex Family Robinson.

Tom Swift and his
Incredible Thing.

I mean, even the perverts
were embarrassed.

I thought I was in love with him

until I found out
he was deranged.

The things he wanted me to do.

Like what?

She hears the phone.

She's just a lazy bitch.

I mean, like, what did
he want you to do?

Oh, I couldn't tell you.

I told my analyst, he
went into cardiac arrest.

No, no, I'm a mature person.

I understand these things.

So wha-what kind of thing
did he want you to do?

If I tell you this man
had his teeth sharpened,

you can fill in
the rest for yourself.

His teeth? My God.

Oh, isn't she adorable.

Who's the little girl?

That's me.

But, uh, did you... did you
ever do any of these things,

these things
he wanted you to?

Me? No, never.
Of course not.

You must be kidding.

Some... I-I ha-I had to do some,

because I was afraid
he was going to kill me.

I give her five more minutes.

No, uh, but... you mean he
forced you to do these things?

You don't play it
cool with a man

who just had
his teeth sharpened.

My God.

How'd you ever get hooked up
with a guy like that?

By sheer chance.

He was living with my roommate

and she moved out.

Oh, hey, did I tell you
about my audition?

No.

The roommate moved out.

I was fabulous.

I would've gotten the part

except they thought I was
just a little too young.

What was the part?

Queen Victoria.

Anyway, that brings us
to why I'm here.

I owe you $20.

Oh, there's no hurry.

What do you mean?

I promised to pay
you back today.

A promise is a promise.

Well, all right.

The thing is I don't
have the money.

I'm good for it, though.

If I don't get a show
in New York,

I may do a series of one-night
concerts in New Zealand.

I just wanted to show you
some stills

from this movie I was in.

That's me and my costar
on location.

It was a cute picture.

Maybe you saw it:
I Married an Ape.

No, I missed it.

I remember missing it.

It's the same basic
story as Wuthering Heights,

only they worked in the gorilla
and some surf riders.

Oh, what a good idea.

That's me in the bikini,
hee-hee-hee-hee.

And the gorilla's
a wonderful actor

named Sidney Sessman.

He just can't get
a break in better parts,

because he unfortunately
happens to be built that way.

I will always be
indebted to him though,

because he was so kind
to me when I had my accident.

What kind of an accident?

I was beaten up by some Mexican
in a motel.

How I got there or who the
Mexican was, I'll never know.

And the police
will never give you

any information.

My God, the things
that have happened to you!

Can you believe this?

Who you trying to call?

My answering service.

At least she promised
to take messages for me.

I have the worst
damn luck with roommates.

Are you living
with somebody now?

I can't afford
my own place yet,

so in the meantime, I'm living
with this Nazi vocal coach.

She's not just German,
she's actually a Nazi.

Wears brown shirts, boots,

combs her hair over
one eye like Hitler.

Is that right?

Great vocal coach, though,

if you don't mind
getting whipped.

You're not serious.

Oh, she's weird.

She has tiny little scars
all across her back

that spell out her name:
Wilhelmina.

I mean, a monogram would've
been enough, don't you think?

More than enough.

A real sicko.

Sleeps in a queen-size bed
in leather pajamas.

Oh, finally.

Hello, Willie?

Nowhere.
With a friend.

No, it's not another girl.

Did the Dick Cavett Show call?

Well, how would you know,

you're in the bunker all day.

I'll be home at 6:00.

Yes, for dinner.

Whip up something.

I have to be nice to her.

Get her angry,
she'll run you over

in the middle of the night
with her tank.

If she makes you
so uncomfortable

why do you stay with her?

You know, you're the second
person who's accused me

of being homosexual.

I never for a minute...

I mean, I sleep so far
away from her in that bed,

she'd have to take
a taxi to get near me.

No, I... I never...

The other one who accused me

was a wonderful married man
I was engaged to,

until I found out
he was a degenerate.

Do you mind terribly
if I smoke?

No, no, not at all.

I have all kinds
of cigarettes.

I have all kinds
of cigarettes.

Filters, menthol...
anything you like.

I have my own.
Thanks.

Promise me you won't ask me
about this married man,

because it's the one
episode of my life

I'd rather not discuss.

Certainly.
I understand.

He name was Arnold,
Arnold H.

I can't tell you
his last name.

Of course.

He lives in Palm Springs,
California,

and is in the hotel business.

Would you like
one of these?

No, I don't really smoke.

I don't either.
I mean, not cigarettes.

I met Mr. H about
two years ago in Arizona.

I was a houseguest

of this very short Hawaiian
movie producer, and...

Excuse me, I... I don't
mean to interrupt.

Is that?

I didn't catch the last word.

No, I-I don't want to say it
very loud.

There's an old lady next door

who listens to everything.

Is that marijuana?

Uh-huh.

Pot?

Mm-hmm. Change your mind?
You sure?

No, I'm trying
to cut down.

It's prescribed by my doctor
in Beverly Hills.

I take it as a tranquilizer,

because I have this
inability to swallow pills.

He prescribes it?
Isn't that illegal?

Oh, that's all right.

He's not allowed
to practice there anyway.

Are you sure?

No. Maybe later.

I love your smile.

You're a real basic person...

sincere, sweet.

You meet so damn few
in my business.

I don't know.
The people I run into...

What the world needs now

Is love, sweet love

That's the only thing

That there's just too little of.

That's what I'm going to sing
on the Dick Cavett Show.

If the beast of Berlin
ever takes my messages.

I like the color of these walls.

I am so sick of white walls.

Is the door locked?

The door?
Yes, is that all right?

I was just wondering.

I thought I saw somebody
following me outside.

Probably not.

Forget it.
I'm being silly.

Why don't you just
check the lock.

It's locked.

I checked.

You mean it's possible

somebody knows you're
here with me now?

Oh, that's sweet.

You're worried
some jealous nut

is going to rush in here
and blow our brains out.

Wouldn't that be a kick?

A regular bloodbath.

Oh, God.

Uh-oh, all gone.

Finished my pot
like a good little girl.

Don't forget to get rid of this.

Tear the paper,
scatter the ashes,

flush the toilet twice.

You can't imagine
the number of people

who are serving time today

because they only flushed once.

Flush twice.
That's a good idea.

It leaves a slight odor,
doesn't it?

Help me, God.

Don't let me get caught!

I don't want to go to jail
for just flushing once.

Listen, Bobbi, um,
I hope you understand

that the only reason I spoke
to you in the park yesterday

was because... Bobbi?!

Bobbi!

Where are you?!

Quick! Back against the wall.

- What is it?
- He'll see you. Get back.

Who will see me?

The man standing in front

of the building next door.

Have you ever seen him before?

All the time.
He's the doorman.

Oh, thank God!

I was just wondering.

Do you think I'm being silly?

No. Now, can we go
back inside now?

It's very windy out here.

Oh, God, I wish I could fly.

They'd never catch
me if I could fly!

No flying!
Don't fly today.

Today is not a good day
for flying.

Oh, God, please, God!

Don't be locked.

Hi!

No waving!

Open, you damn
stupid idiot door!

You could break the glass
and open it from the inside.

Break the glass?

I'm afraid to sit
on the cushions.

Open!
Listen, if 5:00 comes,

and a little old lady
with white hair

and a high, squeaky voice
opens this door,

please... let me do the talking.

Open up!

Why don't you try up?

Up?!

Instead of pulling down,
pull up.

You see? I'm not as crazy
as I look.

Why don't you get us a drink?

Listen, the things I could
tell you about the men I've met.

Someday, I'm going
to write a book,

naming names,
dates, and places

of every man I ever knew.

I wouldn't leave
a single man out.

Listen, I'm sure,
once in a while,

you must've met some nice man

who helped you out
when you were in trouble.

Oh, you wouldn't be in the book.

You're nice.

You have such
sensitive hands.

That's how I knew you
were nice in the park.

I can tell everything
about a person

just by looking at his hands.

You have such long,
delicate fingers.

Listen, why don't
we forget all...

What's it all about

Alfie?

Is it just for
the moment we live?

What's it all about?

I smell oysters.

What?!

Oysters or fish.

Yuck! What could that be?

I don't really know, uh...

Listen, I was wondering,

why don't we just
forget about...

This married man
I was telling you about...

well, he was insanely jealous.

He didn't even want me
to have a career.

He knows I'm
enormously talented,

and he's afraid of losing me.

I've got it.
I know that.

The talent's there,
it's just a question of time.

You know, he had me fired
from the show in Vegas,

because he was afraid
I'd get discovered.

Oh, that's terrible.

That's why I had
to leave the coast.

He blocked every move I made.

You know, he once tried

to have me committed
to a hospital.

I wonder why.

Obviously,
to keep tabs on me.

Actually, it was
my own fault.

I was faking
a nervous breakdown

so he'd leave me alone.

I made believe I went crazy

in a department store
one day,

and the police came
and took me away

in an ambulance.

They just held me
for observation.

And then sent you home?

In 12 weeks.

It wasn't too bad.

I wasn't working anyway.

Did you ever hear
of Battle Fatigue?

Is that what you had?

No, no, Battle Fatigue,

it's the name
of a rock group.

They want me to record
with them, but...

two years with those groups,

and your voice is shot.

Don't you think I'm better off

taking the Broadway show?

I thought they turned you down.

Where did you hear that?

You told me.

I didn't say
they turned me down.

I said they thought
I was too young.

But you didn't get the part.

What are you trying to say?

I'm not trying to say anything.

They thought I was fabulous.

You hear? Fabulous.

I know it.
Who told you?

You did. I remember.
You told me.

Well, I was,

but I turned 'em down.

You did the smart thing.

You're damn right I did.

Besides, I don't need
their stinking shows.

I'm more of a movie personality.

Barbra Streisand, Ali MacGraw,

that's the type I am.

God, it's hot in here...
or cold.

I can't make up my mind.

I'm turning on again.

Now, now, you think
that's a good idea?

I mean, it's getting
very late.

You want me to leave.

No, I don't want
you to leave.

But you'd be happier if I left.

Happier? No, not happier.

Don't worry, I'm not going
to try anything.

Try what? Like what?

Try what?
What would you try?

Nothing.
I thought you were

looking at the scars
on my wrists.

You're wrong about them.

No, no, I wasn't looking.

I didn't know you had them.

Look, your scars
are your business.

I was watering plants,

and the window
fell on my wrists.

Sure. That happens so often.

I know so many people whose
windows fell on their wrists.

Please forgive me.

I'm suspicious of everyone.

I really have to run.

Oh, that's a shame.

Just when we were
getting acquainted.

Well, if you
feel that way,

I'm going to stay
a few more minutes.

No, I don't feel that way.

If you have to go, I, uh,
don't worry about me.

Just have to take a few drags

before I face the world again.

Doctor's orders.

Well...

I wouldn't want you to go

without your medicine, but...

What?

You said you'd have one
with me later.

No, no, I said
maybe later.

Maybe. I said maybe.

I'm not going
unless you have one with me...

if I have to stay all night.

Two puffs.

Two puffs.

Two quick puffs and
I have to go to work.

Good?

Yeah, man, that's pot.

Should we turn on
some music?

No, no, I like my
pot very quiet.

You're letting it out
too quickly.

Let me see you hold it
in your lungs.

You don't want to see that...
a man with pot in his lungs.

You must've seen
that a hundred times.

Why won't you inhale it?

Okay, all right, all right,
all right, all right.

Swallow it.

Hmm?

Swallow it.

I...

Okay, now exhale.

Oh, my God.

It didn't come out.

It's still in there.

In a few moments,
your mouth will feel numb

and your toes
will get paralyzed.

Good, good.
I can hardly wait.

Do you hear anything funny?

Like what?

A ringing in the ears.

Oh, thank God.

I thought it was the doorbell.

Is your mouth getting dry?

Yeah, a little.

There it goes.

Drying now.

All dried up.

That's not
a permanent condition.

I mean, my mouth will open
later on in life, won't it?

This is quality grass.
You can tell.

Oh, yeah, it's worth
the few cents more.

How do your toes feel?

Dead.

Dead toes.
Eight dead, two dying.

Oh, my God.

What?

My tongue is frozen.

I don't have the use
of my tongue, uh...

I'll never talk again.

That's okay, baby.

Everything's slowing down.

Slower and slower.

Oh, it's 20 to 4:00.

It's always
going to be 20 to 4:00

for the rest of our lives.

Well, I love 20 to 4:00.

Oh, God! Oh!

What?

I can't feel my heart!

What the hell happened
to my heart, huh?!

Relax. Don't fight it,
honey.

I'm not fighting it.

I'm letting it do
whatever it wants.

Hang it out
for the world to see.

I'm hangin' out.
I'm hangin' out.

I'm going!

I don't know where
I'm going, but I'm going.

What?

Oh, did you hear that?

What?

I hear my eyes blinking.

Blinking... thumping,
thumping, thumping.

If you got it, baby,
flaunt it.

I'm flaunting it.
I'm flaunting it.

Oh, whee.
Whee, huh? Whee...

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

20 to 4:00.

God, the things
that've happened to me.

Oh, I heard, I heard.

I can't wait to
read the book.

Did I tell you about this man
in California?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

With the pointed teeth.

I was really in love with him.

You know about love, too.

- I can tell.
- Yeah.

You must've suffered
plenty, I'll bet.

M-M-Many years ago, I...

I was involved
with an older woman

in Newark, New Jersey.

I know that scene.

How long did it last?

Oh, about 20 minutes.

You got to make it alone
in this world.

All I need is one show.

The talent's there,
it's just a question of time.

20 to 4:00.
It's 20 to 4:00.

People don't want
to see you make good.

They're all jealous.

They're all rotten.

They're all vicious.

So many things I wanted to see.

I'll never see 'em.

So many things I wanted to do.

I'll never do 'em.

Trapped.
We're all trapped.

Help! Help!

What the world needs now

Is love, sweet love

That's the only thing

That there's just
too little of...

I will never, never,

never, never do that again.

You will never do what?

Ne... Never eat...
green peppers again.

Go to sleep, Thelma.

Don't get sick.

We're going to Mel and
Jeanette's for dinner tomorrow.

Barney, Thelma,
it's good to see you.

Barney, Thelma,
it's good to see you.

Come on in.

Barney, Thelma.

Thelma, Barney.

Listen, Thelma, believe me.

I know Jeanette.

She's my best friend.

And I'm telling you that she
and Mel are having trouble.

I can't believe it.
Jeanette and Mel?

Thelma, just because
you and Barney

are the perfect couple,

it doesn't mean
that everybody else is.

No, I feel wonderful.

I really do.

Mel and I were thinking

of going to Puerto
Rico this winter,

but Mel is so busy.

Well...

Oh, excuse me.

One-way street.

Well, everything
all right here?

Barney, can I get you anything:

a drink, a cigarette?

Nothing for me, Mel.

Well, what are you going to do,
the man has no vices?

Charlotte says the talk is Mel's
playing around with some dame.

Someone in this room,
as a matter of fact.

Mel?! Mel Fisher?!
I can't believe it.

You, the last man on earth

who still goes
to bed every night

with his own wife.

More coffee coming up
in a minute, fellas.

Barney, could you help me
with these?

I can't find Mel anywhere.

It's my fault for inviting

so many good-looking women.

Where do you want these,
Jeanette?

Close the door, Barney.

I know what
the gossip is, Barney.

I know what they're saying
about Mel and some woman.

Gee, I haven't heard
a thing, Jeanette.

I knew you'd say that,

because you're decent
and honorable,

not like other men.

Oh, I'm just a human being.

Do you find me
attractive, Barney?

Attractive?
Yes, yes, I do, Jeanette.

No, don't be polite.
This is important to me.

I mean attractive
in a sexual way.

Oh, well, uh...

I never really thought about you
like that before, Jeanette.

Well, think about me like that.

I'm thinking.

Yeah, I... I do,
Jeanette, I do.

Help me, Barney.
Help me.

Uh, how do you want me
to help you, Jeanette?

Times are changing, Barney.
For all of us.

- Help me.
- Okay.

- Help me.
- All right.

Listen, I'm going to...

I'm going to give
you an address

where I can help
you, Jeanette.

I don't need you today, God.

Jeanette, Jeanette,
you look wonderful.

Any trouble
finding the place?

It's not raining, is it?

Good, good.

You okay?

Come on in, sit down.

Is that better?

You look uncomfortable.

Let me have your pocketbook.

Look at me, Jeanette.

You sure you're okay?

Then relax.

Look...

I don't deny this is
a little awkward.

That's why I respect
you, Jeanette.

If you weren't nervous,

if you just barged in
here cold and callous

like some women or some
nut I met in the park,

that would be one thing.

But you're not, Jeanette.
That's why...

That's why...

that's why, the other night
in your kitchen,

when you asked me for help,
I was so happy, Jeanette.

We all need help
these days, Jeanette.

Jeanette, you're not going
to cry until 5:00, are you?

What's wrong, Jeanette?

I can't go through with it.

I'm sorry, Barney.

Oh, boy.
Can you pick 'em.

Can you pick 'em.

Jeanette... Jeanette...

Jeanette.

Jeanette.

Jeanette.

What's wrong
with you, Jeanette?

I don't understand.

Why did I come, Barney, why?!

Because you said we were going
to help each other, Jeanette.

Come back upstairs and
we'll help each other.

Not upstairs.

I'll have coffee with you.

How can I... how...

how can I help you
drinking coffee, Jeanette?

Jeanette, we're going to
have our cup of coffee

and then we're going to go back
upstairs and help each other.

There's something
you should know first, Barney.

Is it important,
Jeanette?

Yes. I don't find you
physically attractive.

Well, that's not
important, Jeanette.

It's only important

that I find you
physically attractive.

I think you're sweet.

I think you're basically
a good person.

I just do not find you
physically attractive.

Once is enough, Jeanette.
I get the point.

Can we get off this now?

I am attracted to you
emotionally and intellectually.

That's funny.

But not physically!

All right, we gonna

stay on that all day, Jeanette?

What about the part
where you need my help?

Can we have a check
over here, please?

Do you know I haven't slept
with Mel in eight months?

No, I didn't.
My God!

I know Mel had a bad back,
but I had no idea.

I've not slept with him
in eight months!

No wonder you need
help, Jeanette.

Can we have a check, please?

He's slept with me.

I haven't slept with him.

How-how does that
work out, Jeanette?

There's something else
you should know, Barney.

I don't particularly enjoy sex.

Oh, you don't?

Ever?

It was important
to me once.

It's not important anymore.

You're just tense.

I mean, eight months.

You're going through
a very dry period.

Before I go in,
I have to know one thing.

You would never tell anyone
about this, would you?

Me, Jeanette? Me?

I'm surprised you'd even
think of such a thing.

I won't have to worry
about my name coming up

at a cocktail party?

May God strike me dead.

May I never live to see

my oldest daughter
married if I ever did.

- Swear.
- I just swore.

May I become totally paralyzed
from my hips on down.

I'm not very good
at this sort of thing.

Who is, Jeanette?
Who is?

I don't even know
what I'm supposed to do.

You're supposed to
go inside, Jeanette.

As inexperienced as I am,

I know that nothing is
going to happen out here.

Where is this?

It's the same place we were
at before we ran out the door.

Relax. Just relax.

Give me your pocketbook.

You must promise that
whatever happens between us

it'll go no further
than these four walls.

May my restaurant
get destroyed by fire.

Relax! Give me your
pocketbook, Jeanette.

I don't know if we're
doing the right thing.

I'm so confused.
Reassure me, Barney.

I assure you.

You have all my assurance.

Try harder.
Reassure me more.

May, uh, I, uh...

may-may I get a pinched
nerve in my spinal column!

I don't know what
you want, Jeanette!

I'm going to go get
some champagne.

What do you think
about all this?

About all what, Jeanette?

About all this that's going on.

Nothing is going on, Jeanette!

I can't even get
your pocketbook.

You're not appalled
by the times we live in?

By the promiscuity
you find everywhere?

I don't find it anywhere!

I hear a lot about it,
but I haven't found any!

Well, I'm not going
to think about it.

I'm going to become
like everybody else

in this stinking world!

What is that?
What are you doing?

Digilene.
It's for depression.

You want some water?

I couldn't wait.

You couldn't wait for water?!

You're that depressed?

Hah.

Do you know
what melancholia is, Barney?

I'm beginning to think so.

I'll tell you because
I've had it for eight months.

It's total and complete despair.

It's waking up
each morning of your life

not wanting anything,

not caring, not hoping,
not needing.

All that's left is a quiet,
empty, bottomless, relentless,

infinite, eternal gloom.

That's melancholia.

We're in for some
terrific afternoon.

I'm sorry, Barney,
I'm too depressed.

I don't want to
spoil it for you.

Forgive me.

Good-bye, Barney.

Jeanette, don't run, I'm tired.
Jeanette!

Why me?

Why do I have to get
all the nuts?

Three crazy ladies in the world
and I get them all.

Jeanette!

Jeanette, wait!

Jeanette!

My stomach is gurgling

from all this coffee, Jeanette.

What do you want
with me, anyway?!

A good time?!

You're not going to have
a good time with me!

Well, I think we can have

an interesting afternoon,
Jeanette.

Got to stop the brooding

and the running and the coffee.

Barney?

Yes, Jeanette.

Has Mel ever mentioned
his being mixed up

with another woman?

Never, Jeanette.
I swear.

My God, you seem so different
from the other night!

It wasn't easy for me
to come here today.

I understand.

If anyone knew,
or even suspected...

May I become deformed
in all my vital organs!

Stop it already,
Jeanette!

Okay, I'm going to go
get the champagne.

See this table over here?

Good spot for your pocketbook.

She says another word,

I'm going to hit her
with the bottle.

Okay, we're going to have
a little champagne and...

What are you doing?

Mmm.
I was just wondering.

What do you think Mel's reaction
would be if I called him now

and told him what
was going on up here?

Big.

I think Mel's reaction
would be big,

with a lot of killing
and murder.

Jeanette, don't test him.

It's not good for a marriage
to test it too far.

You think death is
so terrible, Barney?

Death?

Yes, I do.
I think death is terrible.

I think violent death
is the worst.

Jeanette, I-I think we're
getting a little morbid here.

What makes life worth
living, Barney?

Name emotions for me, feelings,

itemize the good things
in life for me.

What do you mean, my favorite
things, like handball?

Or you mean like
love and family and children?

It's such a wide area
to cover, Jeanette.

Give me that goddamn pocketbook!

Nothing's going to happen to it!

I'm sorry, Jeanette,
I couldn't stand it anymore.

Oh, I feel so much better.

How much of life do you
actually enjoy, Barney?

What, are you still
on that, Jeanette, huh?

Give me a number,
a percentage.

Oh, 51%, 52%, 52.7%.

Is that a good number?

You know what
Dr. Margolis estimated

my percentage of
happiness is?

Oh, low.

I would, uh...
I would imagine it was low.

8.2 percent!

Ah, I was going to say
tops, a seven.

Jeanette,
I want you to trust me.

Watch this.

You know what that is, Jeanette?

That's a bed.

And we're not children,
Jeanette.

We both know why we're here.

I admit we're both
a little bit nervous about this,

but I have a suggestion,

a plan.

I think we've got to plunge in.

Now, I'm going to go
to the bathroom,

and I'm going to prepare myself.

You stay out here...
the shades are closed...

you prepare yourself.

And then
when we're both prepared,

I'll come out of the bathroom,
and we'll plunge right in.

Okay, Jeanette?

I really think
that's the only way

this is going
to work out, Jeanette.

Okay?

I'll see you
in a few minutes.

I'm prepared, Jeanette.

Are you prepared, Jeanette?

Jeanette?

I'm coming out.

Do you think people
are basically good, Barney?

Another question.

Do you, Barney... do you think
they're basically good?

Yes! Yes! They're good!
They're all good!

No more questions, Jeanette!

Do you think the whole world
is populated with decent,

gentle, loving human beings?

I don't know, Jeanette!

I haven't met the whole world!
I haven't met them!

Look! You notice anything
different about me, Jeanette?

In other words, you
think there are some.

- Some people are decent.
- Yes.

- Gentle.
- Right.

- Loving human beings.
- Right, right, right.

What are you, blind?!

Look! Look!

I'm in my underwear, Jeanette.

A man is standing
in front of you

in black socks and underwear.

Name some.

Name some decent, gentle,
loving people, Barney.

Name ten.

Name ten?!

Name five. If you can't
name five, name three.

Three people out
of the whole world!

That's ridiculous.

I could name 300 people.

I could name 3,000 people.

You want me
to take off my shorts, Jeanette?

You want me to answer
that question in my black socks?

Name three.

Living or dead?

Three people, Barney.

Three fellow

human beings who are loving,
gentle and decent.

I suddenly feel...

very embarrassed.

You know what this is, Jeanette?

This is my mother's bathrobe.

I'm standing in front of you

wearing the robe
of a 73-year-old mother.

At least take off a goddamn shoe
or something.

You can't name them, can you?

All right, all right.

I'll name them.

Let's see.

In the number one spot,

in the key position,
we have...

Albert Schweitzer.

That's one.

You accept Schweitzer.

I'll accept Schweitzer
if you do.

Certainly, I
accept Schweitzer.

Everybody accepts Schweitzer.

That's one, Jeanette.

Two more, and I'm in.

And I'm warning you
right now, Jeanette,

once I get those other two,

everything,
including the black socks,

are coming off.

So far you have Schweitzer.

Okay, all right,
I'm thinking, I'm thinking.

It's not easy to think
in your mother's bathrobe.

All right, number two,
and this may surprise you...

Thelma.

My wife Thelma.

Thelma is certainly a loving,
gentle woman.

That's two.

Don't rush me, don't rush me.

God, what an ugly woman
I would've made.

Schweitzer, Thelma.

Schweitzer, Thelma and...

Christ, I don't know.

Christ. Him.

That's three.

You did it, Barney.
I congratulate you.

It wasn't so hard.

I just picked the big three:

Schweitzer, Christ and Thelma.

I couldn't do it.

I couldn't pick three people.

Not in this world.

Sure you could.

What about Christ?

Do you mean to say

that you don't think
Christ was a decent, kind,

generous human being?

Or Albert Schweitzer?

Mention people I know.

All right. Thelma.

What about Thelma?

I told you before,

I consider Thelma a
loving and gentle woman.

All right, hold on.

That's the second time
you left out decent.

Why did you leave out decent?

Do you consider Thelma decent?

Thelma Cashman is
the most decent woman

on the face of the earth.

Are you making inferences

concerning the decency
of my wife Thelma?

I'm not making any inferences.

You indicated some doubt.

Doubt? Doubt? About Thelma?

I grew up with her.

I spent my whole life with her.

Thelma Cashman
is beyond reproach.

She's as totally incapable
of an act of deception

as you would be
or as I would be.

Oh!

Oh, my God.

So you have
Schweitzer and Christ.

You have one more pick.

It's not true.

Not Thelma.

Why are you doing this to me?!

Is there something you know
about Thelma that I don't know?!

I'll find out anyway,
so you might as well tell me.

Do you hear me, Jeanette?

I demand to hear about Thelma!

Thelma Cashman is the only
loving, decent

and gentle woman I've ever met,

and the fact
that you could doubt her

is an act of indecency
on your part.

You are not a decent
human being, Barney.

Neither am I,
because I'm here with you,

knowing what Thelma is.

Neither is Mel,
because it's his fault I'm here.

We're not decent people, Barney.

Only Thelma is.

But she thinks

you're the most
decent one of us all.

So that makes her
an idiot in my eyes.

The world is made up of
indecent people and idiots,

and that's what I
think about all day.

Is it any wonder
I take Digilene?

Well, I've never been
so depressed in my entire life.

I finally found out

who Mel's been having
an affair with.

Charlotte Korman,
my best friend.

You know who told me?

Who?

He did.

2:00 in the morning,
he leans over,

taps me on the
shoulder and says,

"I've had an affair
with Charlotte Korman."

Who asked him?

You know why he told me?

He explained we're living
in a new guiltless society.

You can do whatever you want

as long as you're honest
about it.

In the old days,
I would've gone to my grave

ignorant of the wonderful
and beautiful knowledge

that my husband
was spending his afternoons...

humping Charlotte Korman.

I estimate

going four times a week,

I should be through
with my analyst

in about a year,

and then,
when we both think I'm ready,

I'm going to get in my car

and drive off
the Verrazano Bridge.

In the meantime, Barney,

I'm very depressed.

Excuse me.

It's nothing personal,

but I don't think we're
going to have our affair.

I'm not indecent, Jeanette.

Tell me I'm not indecent.

It's important to me.

Don't start in, Barney.

I've got one Digilene left.

All right, all right,
we're no good!

Indecent, unfeeling,
unloving animals, all of us!

But you don't know
the half of it!

You don't know how filthy
and ugly I am deep down inside.

You think you're the first woman
I had up here?

Ha.

Want to hear about Elaine, huh?

A coughing woman
of Polish persuasion

who ate flounder four times
in one week, huh?

Want to hear about Bobbi?

A psycho nightclub singer

who-who's living and sleeping
with a Nazi vocal coach.

We sat here on this couch

and smoked a carton
of marijuana.

And you know what happened?

You know what happened,
Jeanette?

Nothing happened,
that's what happened,

because I was looking
for something beautiful

and something decent.

And then I invited you up here...

a woman who grabbed me

in her kitchen
last Thursday evening,

pinned me down on top
of her dishwashing machine.

I had mayonnaise stains
all over the back of my jacket

when I got home.

Then you come up here,
and what do you do?

You take depressing pills
and hang on to your pocketbook.

Again, nothing happened.

Why? Because I was looking
for something decent

and something beautiful.

But I'm not looking anymore,

'cause it doesn't exist,
Jeanette.

You were right.

There is no decency,
no love, no kindness.

No people like that anymore
in the world.

But if we're guilty,

then let's at least
commit the crime.

lf... if we're indecent,

let's have a couple
of terrific indecencies.

Come on, Jeanette!

Get off! Get off!

Who you do you think you're
fooling around with, huh?

Some kid, some amateur?
I'm a pro, baby!

- Barney...
- I know the ropes!

I do not think this is funny.

How about a little pot?!

Couple of puffs of pot?

A little joint
for Jeanettie, huh?

Barney, get away from me.

I am not kidding!

How about some words?
Let's hear language.

Screw! Assholes!

Come on, Jeanette!
Take charge here!

- Come on!
- I want to go!

Come on...

- Come on...
- I'm not kidding!

I'm not kidding, either!

You think I'm kidding?

I don't want to hear
your sad stories.

I don't want to hear
your heartbreak.

I want your flesh!

Barney, you must be
out of your head!

Barney, what's wrong with you?

Nothing's wrong with...

Nothing's wrong with me, baby!

I know the ropes!

I know where it's at.

I'm in.

Come on, come on.

Take off your sports ensemble,
I'll take off my robe.

Barney, please, I'm scared.

You're not like this!
I know you're not like this!

Okay, what am I like?
Tell me what I'm like.

You're quiet,
you're intelligent.

What else?!
I want to hear more.

You're not mean.

I've never seen you do
a mean thing in my life.

Barney, please,
I'm scared to death.

Quiet, intelligent.

I want to hear
another one, come on.

You're kind.

You're the kindest man
I ever met.

Barney, let me go.

I'm not going to let you go!

You're staying till
your pocketbook rots.

I want to hear more!

You're kind and good
and intelligent...

You said intelligent already!
I heard intelligent.

I want to hear another one
I haven't heard before.

- And decent.
- Decent!

That's the one
I wanted to hear.

Decent! You are!
You're decent.

Decent, and what
else, Jeanette?

- And loving!
- Decent, gentle and loving.

Yes! Yes!

But how can I be, Jeanette?

You said there's nobody decent

gentle and loving in the world.

Just you.
Only you, Barney.

- And Thelma?
- And Thelma!

Well, that's two, Jeanette.

If there's two, then there
must be somebody else.

Come on, Jeanette,
let's hear it.

No. I don't know,
I don't know!

Come on, I want to
hear one more person.

There are no more.
There... Mel!

I want Mel!

Why do you want Mel?

'Cause I-I-I... I... I...

I want him, I need him.

Because you love him?

Yes. Yes.

Well, how can you love anybody

that's not gentle,
kind and decent?

He is, he is.

I don't care what he's done.

I want Mel.

That's three.

I knew you could
come up with it.

What's happened to us, Barney?

What's happened to the world?

I can't keep up with it.

In London, I've read about it.

In New York, I heard about it.

I never expected it
in Great Neck.

You okay?

You want to
compose yourself?

lt'd take me
the rest of my life.

Good-bye.

Bye.

Swear to me

that you'll never
breathe a word of this

to a living soul.

May I have a coronary occlusion
in my doctor's office, Jeanette.

Say hello to Mel for me.

No, no!

Crazy!
What was I starting in for?

I'm a happily married man.

I will never do that again.

Never, never,
never, never, never.

Never, never.
Mm-mm.

Hello, Thelma.
How are you?

Yeah, you busy?

Listen, uh, honey,

why don't we meet
this afternoon?

We'll do something.

No, not at the restaurant.
At my mother's apartment.

No, she didn't invite us
for dinner.

I-I just want you
to meet me there, that's all.

No. Stop... stop being stubborn.

I just want you to meet me
at my mother's apartment.

No, why... why is that strange?

I don't think that's so strange.

I think it's strange of you
to think it's strange of me.