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Stepped off the plane got drenched in the rain

clocked a long, long, long, long... line to immigration

Add another man for the queue

Hey, what am I supposed to do?

Going crazy, think I'm gonna blow my fuse

They tell me it's a great place if you just got the right face

I'll be damned, if I know what they're saying...

American?

Well... uh... isn't that what the passport says... Look! Right up here.

On the cover, right up front, United States of America.

You Australian?

-That's right, mate. -You're English?

Nobody's perfect, huh?

-Your name? -Mistry... Xerxes.

Mister...

At least it was the last time I looked.

Looked where?

Place of birth?

It's in the form, Goa.

Why leave Goa for Australia?

My family immigrated when I was a kid.

Why for?

Why for... what?

Why for... are you here for the first time?

Why for.. so that after a 16 hour flight,

I could come here and make small talk with you.

To make music.

And to find myself, you know.

Well.. to search for my brother actually.

Where is he?

Don't know. Somewhere in Bombay I'm told.

Ahh... I'm coming here, why for... to become an actor.

-Hindi films? -No!

Yugoslavian!

-Guess what? -What?

I found you!

You're at the Bombay International airport.

Welcome to Bombay!

-Hey brother, where's the fare for? -Colaba.

-Uh... ah... -Ah...

-What the hell was that? -Dunno.

I reckon the... the other two drivers have gone back to get new fares.

They'll probably split the profits with this guy.

Hold it right there. How?

Well... see.

Mine's a pre-paid taxi. Um, is yours? Was yours?

-Supposed to be. -And yours? -Huh.

Right! You're going to Colaba?

-Yeah. -Same here

So this guy will drop all three of us,

while the other two have gone back to get new rides.

"Welcome to Bombay!" as he said back there. What better introduction?

Uh... G'day! Ricardo Fernandes...

Krishna Sahni, I'm from New York.

-Xerxes Mistry, London. -Hi. -Hi.

So... er... you two guys speak Hindi?

No, I... I don't speak Hindi.

A bit of Goan. Konkani that is. I could just about make out what they were saying.

We're gonna get ripped off every day you know.

Basically we're fucked!

Paying guest accommodations.

Now what is that?

Two fundamentally different concepts. You can't pay and be a guest.

Look!

Bombay has the most expensive real estate in the world.

-Five star slums... -Now they tell me! -Leave and licence.

Now what is that?

Basically leave!

Oh yeah! 35 thousand. Reckon?

-Too much! Too much! -Right!

Green card holders welcome.

Look what it says here.

Only persons of a wheatish complexion need apply.

What the hell is a wheatish complexion?

Yeah, it's this third world mentality.

And the heat...

...it's the heat that fucks their minds man!

Basically, we haven't found a flat yet.

Haah?

-An apartment Yankee boy. -Paying guest accommodations!

Mozzies!

Yeah, yeah... that's here.

Hi. Rent a flat?

We've come about the accommodation?

-I want... -No music!

...one lakh rupees deposit.

-Sorry, guys... -We don't rent this place to Indians.

-No boys... Okay? -Only females.

He said behind the public toilet...

-He's a cop! -Behind the public toilet. -He said...

He's a cop, right? He's a butt hole. They're full of shit!

I'm not an Indian. I'm totally American!

I've told you a thousand times,

don't bring these weird foreign hippies to my house.

Do you take traveller's checks?

You can stay here as long as you want

free of cost, provided...

you marry my three lovely daughters.

Hey, hey... where are you going?

So...

-Guys, guys... -If the East is there, then this is West...

Hello!

It's this way.

Let's spread out from tomorrow. We'll cover more ground that way.

Single room apartments, great view...

-...no girls. -Yes.

Well there's such a serious water shortage in Bombay

and girls are always washing their knickers.

-Know what I mean? -Yeah.

-Wow! -Hmm...

-What a view! -Hmm...

This isn't bad.

-So when can we move in? -Sorry?

-When can we move in? -We?

-Yeah, there's three of us. -Three?

-Boys? -Yes, two of my friends.

Oh, terrific. I could do two in here.

Three is too many. It's a tight little space. Uh...

I was thinking, maybe you'd like to move in with me?

I have a son in America. His room is spare.

It's just downstairs. Would be cheaper.

I'm a very good cook.

Best Parsi food this side of Persepolis!

-You're Parsi? -Hmm...

-Pesi Shroff. -Xerxes Mistry.

-Delighted. -Wicked. My Dad's Parsi.

-I don't believe it. -Yeah.

So...

...What do you say?

-You know what? -What?

I thought Bombay was gonna be cheaper than home.

The money these guys want, I could rent...

...Buckingham Palace!

Why is it so fucking expensive to get a place here?

That's because...

...in Bombay, sweets...

Possession is nine-tenths of the law.

Woah!

This is fuckin' A!

Yeah...

She'll be right!

What did you do to get this place man?

You don't wanna know. Trust me.

You don't wanna know.

Hello... Hello.

Is that five-five-five-six-seven... Will you just back off? Back off!

Hello... Hello... Ah... Could I speak to Mastana Mustafa please?

Okay I'll wait... I... I'll wait.

Back off man!

I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. Mastana? Hi, it's Krishna Sahni...

Yeah, that's right. Krishna Sahni from NYC.

-Xavier? -Yeah!

Xerxes... Mistry.

We spoke on the phone, yeah.

-Xerxes Mistry from London! -Yeah!

Welcome, welcome, welcome!

-Namaste. -Welcome to our...

-Danny... Sam... -Danny... how you doing buddy?

-That's charas our dog. -Namaste.

We are the Bombay Boys!

-The coolest... things since... uh... -Antarctica.

-The North Pole! -Antarctica man!

-Antarctica... Antarctica. -The North Pole...

The North Pole is cooler... The north pole is...

We decided!

Antarctica!

-Hi. -Brother...

What do you want?

Krishna Sahni. I have an appointment with Mr. Mustafa.

Hi. Ah... er... Are... you Peter Mascarenhas?

-Depends. -Depends?

-Depends on what? -Who wants to know?

Oh! Right. Well I'm Ricardo Fernandes from Australia.

Um... Actually I'm searching for my brother, Roger Fernandes.

The last address he gave me was this one.

Roger Fernandes.

Ah...

I think, ah... maybe I've come to the wrong place.

I was looking for Mastana Mustafa, the Hindi film producer.

What I look like? Criminal?

Mastana, right?

I am Mastana. Famous Hindi film producer.

I... already get your reference from New York...

...Yusuf bhai!

He says you are 'okay fellow.' Speak!

When I met you in New York, you were...

...you looked kind of different.

Cut the crap, okay?

What you want from me?

Nothing! Nothing really. I wanna go back to the States and work at Pizza Hut.

I made a mistake. I'm outta here. Nice... Nice meeting you guys.

Umm...

This is Dolly.

Say hello to Dolly.

Hello Dolly.

Now act!

Act?

Hey, screen test dude.

What country you're from?

You want to be hero and you don't know screen test?

Come on! Act!

But like... act what?

Usual crap... song-dance.

Boy, girl, villain, rape, fight...

Every film same story, you're not knowing?

Come on! Act!

Wow! You've done a lot of albums already.

Ah, yeah well...

those are just the album covers. We haven't made any albums yet.

-But... that's just a... That's just a... -Small technicality.

-How long you been together? -Uh...

-Four years... Four years! -Three years now.

Done some gigs, ya?

-Oh we're huge in Bangladesh. -Bangladesh man.

-Massive! -We're massive in Bangladesh.

-Sold out! -We're sold out man.

Yeah, yeah, yeah... I mean we're practically a house hold name.

Radio airplay, T.V. airplay, you name it man.

-We're huge man! -Rocking chicks in Bangladesh.

-Today Bangladesh. Tomorrow... the world. -The world man.

I mean, un-fucking believable Bangladeshi chicks.

-It's only a matter of time. -Hey, let's not forget about the chicks.

Yeah.

-Chicks. -Chicks.

I don't know a Roger Fernandes. Um...

Why are you looking for him?

Oh! He's my brother, that's why.

Funny thing, man. You all left your family to go over there.

Today you come back, trying desperately to look for them.

Why did you leave in the first place?

Grass was not so green on the other side now, was it?

There are a million Fernandes' in Bombay.

Why don't you try looking up the phone book.

You're the drum, I'm the cymbals

How can we play separately?

Let our heart-beats merge.

You're the iron, I'm the magnet.

How can you stay away from me?

Come, cling to me! Come on!

Oh, my little sweet-dish...

Why create such a fuss?

Never mind the pretense...

Let's make love openly.

I've thrown you the key to my heart.

Strung in a silver key-ring

Whether you pick it up or not

I won't let you go.

Curse me, if you wish...

...but love me anyway.

You're the drum, I'm the cymbals

How can we play separately

Let our heart beats merge!

If I make film with you, I will have to pay to public to see.

And still they will want money back...

...with interest!

Good! I mean like... I'm... I'm sorry... I did...

...like I did the best I could. May I go now?

So, what can I get ya?

Tea would be nice.

-Um... we don't have any tea. Do we Xav's? -Yeah.

Coffee.

Um, we don't have any coffee either, man.

Water is fine.

-Water is not happening. -No? -No, not at all.

So what do you drink then?

Vodka!

Rum.

Whiskey.

Yo, suck on this.

It's the middle of the afternoon, but hey...

Yeah we know we're little late today.

Yeah!

To the Bombay Boys!

-The coolest thing since Antarctica! -Yeah, yeah, we're the coolest thing man.

So when do I get to jam with you guys, huh?

-Anytime man. Call us on our mobile. -Anytime... cell phone.

Yeah, you know, because we just might get... 'the' call anytime!

Heh!

You guys, hmm...

...smoke this, yeah.

No man we... we gave that up a long time ago, man

-Been there, done that. -Shit I'm sorry, I just thought, since um.

And now we only smoke this!

Turn around.

Now...

...you are come to me for help.

How... I cannot help you? Huh?

What Yusuf bhai will say?

I tell you what I will do.

I produce Hindi picture because...

...I have lot of black money.

I want to make white, understood?

I want tax 'write-off' what you say in America.

Just now I want to 'loss' some money, understood?

I need hopeless actor like you to make bad film.

Such bad film that in front of it even...

...worst C grade Hindi picture look like...

..."Godfather."

You understand?

Can you get someone else?

Please?

Head or tail?

Call quickly, I will decide.

Heads, tails, I... I...

-...I mean... -Heads, I win, tail you lose!

Ah...

Aah... Tail!

You lose.

Mmm...

Personally I prefer tail.

If you get head, no fun. Head just fall off. Dead.

No action.

And we are "Show business" you and I, we need action!

Just like that tail over there.

Action.

No business like show business.

So... we make film together, you and I.

It's a deal, yes?

-Do I have a choice? -No!

Tonight, we celebrate.

My boys will pick you up, eight p.m. in evening.

Now go.

Umm...

So, so... uh, how did you get to know about us?

I have a cousin...

...in Bangladesh!

Yes. Hello, I'm... I'm looking for a Roger Fernandes.

Fernandes... right.

Ah... Thank you.

Hey, thanks for coming man.

I owe you guys big time.

He's the Don. I am screwed!

It's over. Over!

I loved my life and it's over.

Calm down, man!

-It's really not so bad. -Not so bad, huh?

A hole in the head is not so bad. Like... this is fucking terrible.

I spent a year in all the best acting schools in New York, right?

Only to come and work for Mr. Madman!

I'm gonna die a horrible death...

...dancing around trees with Dolly.

She's the don's moll. Check her out.

She's beautiful.

You reckon you could introduce me?

She's the Don's property.

Yeah. Hi. Um...

I... I'd... I'd...

I'd like to meet ah... Mastana.

Tsk...

Eh... Well.

Ah... like... like to meet her.

Yeah, come on!

Great! That's great! Thanks!

Guys.

Don't you have your own instruments?

This isn't your shop, is it?

-Ah, but that's just a small technicality. -Small technicality.

Ah, but we are working on it. I've... I've already got my own mouth organ.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Yeah, yeah

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Yeah, yeah

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Thanks for meeting me.

I didn't know how else to ask.

I hope you don't mind.

You're paying in dollars, no?

Dollars? For what?

I just wanna talk.

Hey, I don't want any hassles, okay?

If Mastana finds me here, I'm dead. Now you're paying or no?

Look I... I just wanna talk.

I really just wanna talk.

-Talk? -Yeah!

-Like... -Yeah!

-Double rate. -Double rate?

-Why? -Because it's more difficult.

Now you're paying or no? Or I'll get out.

Fine, I'll... I'll pay.

Good.

So...

...from Australia, huh?

Yeah!

-Where you from? -Me?

Ah... You know Matunga... Canossa Convent, right there.

-Matunga. -Hmm...

-Right. -But actually you know, ah... the truth...

...I'm Australian.

Really! See, see my blue eyes. See... Blue.

-Yeah... Yeah!. -Absolutely blue!

-Right... Right. -Want some?

Oh! Thanks!

So, Australia, it's a... big place?

Actually it's...

...like the armpit of the world.

I dunno whether to shave... or to use a stronger deodorant.

Yeah...

Yeah, yeah…

Yeah... Yeah... Yeah... Yeah...

Um... um... Whatcha doin' here?

I'm searching for my brother, Roger.

Roger Fernandes.

What happened to him?

Dunno...

See our parents died when he was nineteen.

I'm sorry. God bless their souls.

Thanks.

A while later he came here and never went back.

He stayed in touch over the months and...

...and one day, my letters began to come back unanswered.

Now I don't know where he is.

Or what trouble he's in.

Trouble?

Sounds like me, only.

Yeah... Yeah... Yeah... Yeaaaaah!

Yeah... Yeah... Yeah... Yeaaaaah!

We're the Bombay Boys!

Yeah!

So... What do you think?

That was...

...umm... Ah... The energy was...

...there are no words guys.

But what I did think was the... umm...

...the sixteenth 'Yeah' in the eighteenth line...

...yeah?

...was maybe a bit flat.

Do you guys have something else you're working on?

Something like I join in maybe?

Oh, yeah, lots and shit load of stuff.

But we haven't really worked out the lyrics as yet.

It's just that, this one we managed to get the words.

-Right guys? -Yeah!

There's... there's... there's like this other song we have...

...It's still a work in progress, but, uh...

...it's called uh, "Hey!"

-Hey! -Hey!

"Hey!" as in "Yeah!" huh?

-No man! This is... different. -No! this is completely different.

Yeah. It's called 'Hey!' that was...

...'Yeah!' This is 'Hey!' You know we're a completely minimalist band.

So... uh...

-...maybe you wanna have a listen? -No... umm.

Ok! Rehearsal over. Shall we light up?

What, here?

In the shop?

Dolly... How'd a...

...how'd a nice Christian girl like you end up like this?

What do you mean, like this?

Well... you know?

Tsk... Why anyone come to Bombay, huh?

To be a star. To act in the movies.

Casting couch, so!

I have a role in Mastana's next picture. Contract with him I have.

Rest I manage.

You ever read the Bible?

The Bible?

My story is much longer.

One day when you fall in love with me, na

and take me to Australia and marry me

I'll tell you the whole story. Okay.

So...

you sure you only want to talk, huh?

-I'm taking a look, okay? -Yeah, okay!

Just hold this.

-How is it? -Very nice!

-It's good? -How does it look?

It's good.

-Maybe it's too short. Isn't this short? -No, it's not short.

-I'll return it if it doesn't fit. -Okay.

-Yeah. Okay. Thank you! -Okay.

-Bye. -Money, Madam, hello? Money?

-Hello, money, Ma'am? -Dolly!

-Hello! -Do... Dolly!

-Yeah... How much? -100 Rupees.

-Thank you. -Welcome

Dolly!

Dolly!

Dolly!

What?

Oh! Come on!

Dolly!

Take it off!

Alright! Yeah...yeah!

That looks good!

Let's go home.

Hmm.

Ah... Ah... Ah... Ah...

You're the drum, I'm the cymbals

How can we play separately

Let our heart-beats merge.

Oh, my little sweet-dish.

Why create such a fuss?

Never mind the pretense

Let's make love openly.

I've thrown you the key to my heart.

Strung in a silver key-ring

Whether you pick it up or not

I won't let you go.

Curse me, if you wish

But love me anyway.

You're the drum, I'm the cymbals

How can we play separately

Let our heart-beats merge!

Sheesh...

How could you let this happen to me?

I hate you!

Listen... listen.

Very bad. Huh?

Very very bad.

That's an insult on my name.

How this can happen on Mastana's film set?

Huh? Where is director?

Hmm?

Hmm... You are director, huh? Hey!

You are director?

Give me loud speaker... Huh?

You are... director? Hmm?

Stand up. Stand up.

Stand up! Very bad!

Get up. Get up!

Hands off... Hands off...

Very bad, very bad, very bad.

Very bad.

Umm...

Ah!... Ah!...

-Ah!... Ah!... -Umm... Umm...

Tsk...

Take him outside and fire him.

Twice!

Tch... tch.. tch... tch...

Haa, alright now... who want to direct this picture?

You?

Yes, yes, you... Here.

That's all you need to direct picture... one loudspeaker!

Come on, direct!

Hmm... Hmm...

Sheesh!... Sheeeesh!

Come on, direct!

Pesi! They tell me you were married!

Was!

And they tell me you came to India to find out if you're straight or gay.

It's not exactly that blunt you know? I just came here to find myself.

Do you know why the English are the most sophisticated race on earth?

Because every time they want to speak the truth...

They talk about the weather instead!

Now...

Do you rather we spoke about the weather?

Indians have no tact!

Yeah.

Sure I came here to find out...

… but also for a change of pace. You know what I mean?

I've never been out of London all my life.

So I thought...

...what better place to find myself, than in India.

The place of my ancestry.

Now... it's a brand new world for me, man!

Mate, pint of lager!

-Brand new world, huh? -Yeah!

Culture, roots, man!

It's that kind of thing.

And has India lived up to your expectations?

To be honest man, I'm disappointed.

-Why? -Where are the Elephants and the Monkeys?

-Huh? -In the zoo I presume?

Where do you keep them in London?

No wonder, India has become the filthiest country in the world.

It's just an emotional dumping ground for all you foreigners!

You don't know if you're straight or gay...

...go to India, find out.

Don't know who you are, what you are...

...find out in India.

We're just...

...a cheap shrink to all the world's lunatics.

I'll tell you what your problem is...

You're much too lovely to be straight!

And much too scared to be gay. Maybe you don't know if you are AC or DC.

Nothing wrong with that I suppose. Bit indecisive if you ask me.

I knew I was gay when the doctor spanked my bottom.

But...

...my money says...

...that you're going to fall one way or another.

And if you're gonna to sit on the fence, all your life...

...you never fall straight.

Know what I mean sweetie?

-Right, thanks. Dolly! -Uh... Uh... Uh... Uh!

I'm telling you...

...this film is going to flop and then Mastana is going to launch me.

Oh! Come on!

Why you laughing? I'm telling you it's going to be a total flop.

You never know. I mean... Krishna is a trained actor.

-He might pull it off. -Trained actor?

-Yeah! -Can't dance, can't fight, can't sing!

-So? -Hey, I screen tested with him.

Thank God I don't have to be his heroine!

He's making a total C grade movie.

Mastana's only signed him because he wants to lose money.

Hmm...

I know he's your friend and all that. But he's not hero material.

-Hero material? -Hmm...

Right! Hero material.

-Yeah. -And that other friend of yours?

He's very slick and cute.

-You mean Xerxes? -Hmm...

He wants to be a musician.

He's learning how to play the violin.

Except he's really bad.

Didn't have the heart to tell him.

-You want me to tell him? -No!

No!

-Please don't! -Ohh...

Why are you laughing? What's so funny?

Ah... because...

...because you always speak with your mouth full.

You should never talk with food in your mouth.

Really.

Who says?

Don't give me any foreign crap.

Don't touch this. Don't look here.

I'll do whatever I want to do.

Understand?

Yeah.

Hey, that's my favourite song.

-Come on, let's dance! -Dolly!

I'm gay, I'm straight... I'm gay, I'm straight...

I'm gay, I'm straight...

I'm gay!

Oi!

I'm gay!

Hello?

What?

No! No!

This is not the Ganesh... M Das Superfast Express laundry.

Will you listen to me for one fucking minute?

This is not the Ganesh Yam Das, whatever the fuck it is laundry, okay?

I'm gay, I'm straight...

There you are!

I'm straight man!... I swear I'm...

-Hold, please. -Hang on.

Ready!

Strike a pose.

Yeah. Nice pose.

Keep your hand here...

-Hello! -Yeah, yeah.

-Are you ready now? -Ah, ready, ready, come on click.

Smile.

Hold please...

Okay... Okay.

Hmm...

-Hey, throw that damn thing away! -Oye!

Come closer.

Hey, this is not hanging garden, pal.

Hey, you take your pictures.

This is how I want it!

Dolly...

-You love me, don't you? -Ah... Ah!

Let go...

-Say it! -Ah!

-Say you love me... -Ah! Let go...

-Say it. -Let's take the picture.

-Say it! -Ah!

-Go on! Say it! -Yeah, yeah. Yes!

-I can't hear you. Say it again. -Yes... Yes.

-Tell me! You love me, don't you? -Let go! It hurts!

-Tell me! You love me, don't you? -Yeah, yeah.

-Yes, I do. Yes. -Then say it loudly. I can't hear you.

-I can't hear you! Louder... Louder... -Yes! Ah... Ah...

How many times have I told you... I love you, I do, I do!

I have to... I must!

I have no choice!

You want to do it here? Should I lie down here? Remove my clothes too?

Come on, remove. Let's do it right now! Right here!

Let's do it.

Can't I ever say "No"?

Hey, bugger off!

Okay. Let's take the picture.

Okay.

Okay.

Hey, back off!

Show.

Raja Babu, you've finished me off!

I've got nothing left.

Now, what more can I give you?

Give me? Heh?

I have got everything.

What can you give me?

Cars, bungalows, guns...

...I have it all.

-What will you give me? -That's what I'm asking.

I just have my gold teeth left. Shall I pull them out?

No!

If you want, I could pay you later.

No. Nothing later.

This is where we play...

...this is where we pay.

Win or lose...

...we settle it here.

It's the rule of the game, Mastana.

Your honour is at stake...

You gave me your word.

Hmm... You're right.

I gave you my word. Huh.

Rules are rules.

Let's ask her first.

-You have to ask her? -Huh...

Let's see what she says.

Dolly...

Will you go with him?

Huh?

She says no.

She says she won't!

She says "No!"

Dolly says "No!"

She says "No!" What can I do?

She doesn't want to go with you!

Dolly says "No!" Dolly says "No!" "No!"

She says "No!" She says "No!" "No!"

Every time I am forced to kill a man.

Little bit of myself also dies.

Tsk...

-I'd like to see Dolly, please. -Hmm...

Ugh...

I'd like to see Dolly, please.

Ah!

I'd like to see Dolly, please.

Ugh!

Yeaah!

I'd like... to see... Dolly, please.

She's not here, just now.

He's right. She's really not here.

-Right. -Sorry.

Go now. Please.

Thanks.

Dolly... Dolly

Dolly...

Dolly, where are you? It's me...

...Ricardo. Dolly!

Dolly! Dolly!

What happened?

Don't worry, Dolly. Don't worry. You'll be fine.

You'll be alright.

Okay, Dolly. You are okay.

It's gonna be just fine. Dolly... Dolly!

It'll be okay... Just fine. Uh.

-Uh... Ah... Dolly... Dolly... Dolly... -Uhh!

Uhh!

Oh God! What have they done to you?

I'm fine.

Look at your face.

-Oh God I'm telling you, they'll kill you. -Shh...

-Shh! -They'll kill you...

...they'll kill the doctor...

...they'll kill me!

-Can I tell you something? -Yeah.

-Don't get angry on me. -No.

What is it?

I think you're in love with me.

Hold it! Hold it! Hold it!

This is not happening guys.

There's something missing in this song. This is just not happening.

What's missing?

I mean, how can we call ourselves a respectable band?

A completely respectable gig, if we don't completely

thrash the fucking equipment after the show?

We don't have no instruments to thrash brother.

That's... That's just a small technicality, man.

Yeah, we can do a few more sold out concerts in Bangladesh.

Bangladesh?

Yeah. Today Bangladesh, tomorrow the world, remember?

I don't think the world is quite ready for the Bombay Boys.

Will you shut the fuck up?

What's up with you anyway, man?

I'm in love... That's what's up.

Congratulations! Send me a postcard when it's over.

I'll cry at your funeral.

I've got it!

I've got such a fool proof plan that will make us a lot of money in Bombay.

We can buy all the instruments we want. We can thrash them after every show.

If that'll make us look real cool.

We'll split the money with you of course.

After all, you guys look like you need the money more than us, anyway!

Xav's! Danny!

This might sound like a really dumb idea but, ah...

why don’t we just take this shit? Over here man, I mean this is...

We’ve played it so often... it's... it’s practically ours on a technicality.

So let's just... let’s just take it man.

Ladies!

Sweet Ladies!

Fasten your petticoats for Bombay’s naughtiest night out.

Let me have it please!

For your very own...

Bombay Boys!

With the beautiful singing sensation from Matunga!

Dolly!

And now... Sweet, sweet ladies...

All the way from London, Sydney and New York,

Not one. Not two.

But three of the most gorgeous boys you have ever seen.

The sexciting. Sexquisite.

Sextraordinary... Sexpats!

Slowly, slowly strip down

The intoxication of youth…

There’s a lot of it left now

Strip it down with your touch. Ooh! Yeah!

Magic... how its working on us

Yeah. Yeah. What all we get to see.

Yeah!

Look, Look.

The magic is working.

The swag, the style..

Everything’s for you.

Whatever you say…

we’ll do it..

Why to hesitate... the game is shown by

Money!

Money makes you dance…

And makes you roll..

Money makes you laugh..

Money makes you cry…

Yeah?

No ma’am.

This is not the Ghanshyam Das Superfast Express laundry.

Violin.

Where?

You know?

Hello?

Hello?

Is this residence of Bombay Boys?

Mr. Xavier? Mr. Danny?

Anyone awake here only?

Who the fuck are you?

Babarao Gatondkar at your service sir.

Head Clerk in the state collector’s office government of Maharashtra.

I’ve been asked to serve you notice...

on the change in the name and logo of your company from ‘Bombay Boys’...

...to ‘Mumbai Boys’.

Under the recent resolution passed by the state assembly,

and adopted by the department of finance and revenue and...

I think... ah... I’ll just be sticking this notice on to the wall.

Okay.

Thank you.

No ma’am, I don’t have any contacts in the laundry business.

Hey!

Can I come in?

Why not?

You got your sides for today’s shoot?

Sides?

What are sides?

Sides! Pages! Pages of the script the writer has just written.

You don’t have a copy?

You gotta be kidding!

We have a really important scene today.

It’s kinda complicated.

I’m supposed to be in... in love with you

and... and they just fixed up an arranged marriage...

..for you with some rich industrialist's son.

You’ve never even met him, right.

But tomorrow, you're gonna have to... you're gonna have to... marry him.

Now the problem is,

your father... Your father is dying.

So you don’t wanna hurt his feelings so you have to go through with the marriage.

You understand?

Hmm...

Ah!

But what you and your father don’t know is that the same guy you’re marrying...

raped your mother, killed your sister.

And he’s only marrying you to take over the family business, right.

So? How do you wanna play it?

Help me!

I mean we could do the usual melodramatic stuff you know,

big fake tears and all that shit.

I prefer it if we... underplayed it.

Subtle.

You know? Less is more.

Less is more! You know what I’m saying?

What do you say?

Yes? No? What?

You have such a cute nose.

But, I honestly think you should fix it.

...follow me a star

been there so far from here

so far from where you are

but I can't stop the searching

searching for the love

What you lookin at boy?

-can't stop the breakin' quakin'... -Nothing.

achin'... achin' for my love

Give me that... long round thing.

I need it more than you do.

Do you ah... wanna get out of here?

Don’t make any noise. You’ll wake up my parents.

Your parents?

Uh... that’s just to get my parents off my back.

And they'll totally freak out if they came to know.

So, tell me what you’re gonna have?

Red Label or Black Label?

Red or Black what?

Johnnie Walker man, where have you been?

Do you have any mineral water?

This isn’t London man. We don’t drink mineral water around here.

It’s just not hip.

Around here we drink Scotch.

So, what’s it gonna be? Red or Black?

Johnnie Walker Black in a hot water bottle.

Tsk...

My parents don’t drink, what to do?

Here you go.

Go ahead.

and everyday I hear you say, search for me my love

searchin' serpentine and pink star shine I'm looking for my love

every single day I hear you say search for me my love

I've been lyin' now and still somehow I'm looking for my love

He loves me. He loves me. He loves me.

I've been wakin'

breakin' like the sun

I've been waitin' to see what you have done

Now I'll come to you stardust in my hair

and I'll see you now a dragon in my lair

and everyday I hear you say, search for me my love

searchin' serpentine and pink star shine I'm looking for my love

every single day I hear you say search for me my love

I've been lyin' now and still somehow I'm looking for my love

Mumbai Banditos. Scene 35. Take 36.

O beautiful one..

…your love-sick admirer asks…

Who are you?

A star that lights up the skies?

Or the moon herself...

…wandering through the clouds?

Who… who…

Who are you?

A star that…

Can I talk to you for a minute?

Please? Sorry.

How can I get romantic with this... creature?

He’s just a stand in, buddy... and he’s 'off-camera' in any case.

See.

I happen to be aware of that.

But I’m not off-camera.

Right? I’m not off-camera!

How... how can you expect me to get motivated?

How can I possibly find my centre if you give me this travesty to work with?

You call this a stand in?

At least the heroine shaves her face!

These bloody foreign actors!

Motivation my foot!

My neck is in Mastana’s noose.

And this asshole wants motivation!

I’ll give him motivation!

-What... What... What... what? -Listen... either you do this..

Or you’re fired!

Really? You promise? Coz I’m going outta here.

Krishna.. Please man. Let’s do it, na.

Let’s do it please. Mastana’s men will fire us twice.

Please? Bang bang! Please hey boss!

Hey Sir, please!

-Let’s do it. -Okay. Okay. Okay.

Since you put it that way, c'mon let’s roll. C’mon let’s roll.

Much obliged.

I just wanna try it kind of different. Little bit more intimate.

Okay.

-Give me some time. -Okay. Okay.

Tea... coffee anyone?

You moron!

You’re not the spot-boy anymore.

You’re the fucking director!

That’s right. Quiet! Silence!

-Roll it. -Rolling.

Mumbai Banditos. Scene 35. Take 36.

Action!

Hmm..

O beautiful one…

…your love-sick admirer asks...

...Who are you?

A star that lights up the skies?

Or the Moon herself...

…wandering through the clouds?

Who...

Who…

I’m sorry I can’t do it.

-Ugh! Huh! -Oh!

Would it uh... help you if I shaved?

There’s a bright moon shining in the sky tonight...

…I wanna see your face in the light…

…And I know just what I’d do... if you won’t come on out,

girl you’re gonna hear me scream and shout…

…I’ve been buried, I’ve been bruised, trampled over and used...

…Mastana’s men, they’re not amused…

Yeah.. but since I met you Dolly, all I ever wanna do…

…is baby come... waltzing with you…

Waltzing Matunga, waltzing Matunga...

…I’ll give this heart of mine to you…

…waltzing Matunga…

Waltzing Matunga, waltzing Matunga...

…I’ll give this heart of mine to you…

…waltzing Matunga

Come close to me, baby…

…and whisper the words…

…I’m longing to hear in my heart…

…mysterious lady, suburban delight,…

…just waltz with me into the night, yeah…

Waltzing Matunga, waltzing Matunga...

…I’ll give this heart of mine to you…

...waltzing Matunga.

Waltzing Matunga, waltzing Matunga...

…I’ll give this heart of mine to you…

...waltzing Matunga...

Yeah!

Ghanshyam Das Superfast Express laundry, can I help you?

Okay,

Uh... Huh!

Dolly? What... What happened?

Nothing.

Okay. Yeah, I’ll send it right over.

Like... like right now.

Tell him that Dolly’s here. Go!

Go, tell the boss.

Got it.

Oh no you should have caught it.

Ah... come on, come on... come on.

-Who is it? -Some...

two paisa fellow with a four anna problem.

Out!

When he went missing?

Well, my letters started coming back about... 3 months ago?

What was his last address?

Bandra. But he wasn’t there.

-You have recent photograph? -Yeah.

How old is this?

Oh! Couple of years?

And you say he was your brother?

Yeah.

How come you not know where he went and have recent photograph?

Oh, I was... I was abroad, he was here.

So you forgot him?

Look... I don’t think this is any of your…

Fine, what would you plan to do now?

We have lodged your FIR.

Now we notify all police station in Mumbai with a missing person’s report.

But I don’t think you should expect too much.

Hey, everyone wants to live off me.

Why have you come here? Huh?

Who allowed you to come here?

I had something urgent to discuss…

-What are their names? -Whose?

Your children’s.

You come here to ask their names?

Are you out of your mind?

Huh? Get lost!

Tell me… what are their names?

Go!

You’ve got it all worked out.

Huh? Huh?

A nice wife, a nice house…

…nice kids…

and a nice mistress too.

But you’re a real bastard.

A real lucky bastard.

Very lucky. But still a bastard. Right?

This…

…missing person’s department.

You know... we have more than 15 million people in Bombay.

Yeah... I've heard.

Half of which don’t have a proper address.

How do you find someone here?

You know... why people go missing?

No.

I think these people were... forgotten. Not missing.

If I were you,

I would try newspaper, magazines and private agencies and if all fails...

start checking hospitals.

No!

Hey check it out.

Disgusting man... disgusting!

Didn’t you homos read the sign outside?

No dogs and no fags allowed in.

Its ok man, let’s cool it.

We’re out of here.

-Asif what's the problem man? We were just talking-You wanna know what the problem is

-Do you wanna know what the problem is? -Do you want to know the problem?

Shut up. Let's just get out of here.

-Why? -That's why, man!

Police!

Xerxes… Shit!

Officer...

There was a misunderstanding… I...

Tsk...

I didn’t even think... that...

Can we just um...

Forget about it.

Hmm?

You think you bloody foreign Indians from abroad...

...can just walk back into this country?

Buy anything you like?

Just like that?

Hmm?

If I were you,

I would keep this petty cash...

to see if it could buy you a good... Indian lawyer.

To get you out of jail.

Because you’re going to need one.

Come here…

Count the money and write a note…

"Attempt to bribe a police officer."

Hmm...

-Hey -Ha... ha... ha... ha...

Even your Gods...

...can’t save you now!

Kalia!

I'll free my beloved...

…from your

dirty clutches and vanish!

The public calls me “Cherry Blossom Kalia.”

Do you know why?

Because my heart is blacker…

…than the blackest shoe polish!

I swear by double-duty, extra-wax…

…full cream polish that…

…you will have to die.

You will die.

Or my name ain't “Cherry Blossom Kalia.”

Sir... Sir, please spare me!

I’ll lick the polish off your shoes.

Is that why you’re called “Cherry Blossom Kalia?”

Ha... Ha... ha…

Anyway, I only wear imported Nike's.

Ha... ha... ha..

Aaahh… Aaahhh…

Aaahhh…

Cut!

Wow! Wow! Wow! Wow! What sister-fucking... good acting!

So much first class acting! I have to fire you all!

Twice!

Hey Hero!

What?

You forgot what I told you huh? I want to make... 'bad' film.

I have to lose money! Assholes...

What is all this good acting business going on here?

Huh?

I want bad, bad… baaaad! Eh!

Do that much for me, brother, huh?

I'm asking too much? Huh?

Why? I'm asking too much?

Anyway... come here and meet co-sponsor.

Dolly!

Come here.

Dolly!

You also want loud speaker treatment? Huh?

Come here.

Come... Come.

This is Mr. White of Nike.

And Mr. Black of Cherry Blossom.

Bombay is a... crazy place.

Look at this house. This old rickety house…

Do you know it’s worth a million dollars?

And yet I have to keep a 'paying guest' to pay my electric bills.

My uh..

...first paying guest was Roger.

Roger? Ro...

When was this?

You tell your friends…

From next week your rent doubles until you've paid your bail amount.

You probably don’t know this, but in India it's still technically illegal.

They could have locked you away for good.

He didn’t stay for more than 3 months.

He just moved on.

He didn’t seem to have any… uh...

...relatives or anybody close to him.

No... He just got hold of the wrong thing.

Like drugs and stuff. I had to let him go.

He left for the next PG.

At least now we know on which side of the fence you sit.

Don’t we?

There’s hope for you yet.

Sweet dreams, pumpkin.

Yes?

Hi, I was given your address by aunt Francis Fernandes.

I’m told Roger Fernandes lived here briefly.

Hi.

-Who are you? -I’m Roger’s brother.

-From Australia. -You’re uh..

-Ricardo Fernandes? -Yeah. That’s right.

He talked a lot about you.

Where were you?

In Australia.

Why?

Well… ah...

He needed you... that’s why.

Do you uh.. where's he now?

Hey, I’m coming, I'm coming.

I'm taking a bath

-Why are you banging the door? -Let’s go.

-What’s the problem? -Mastana has called you. Let’s go.

He’ll kill us. Let’s go.

At least let me change... just a minute... please.

Okay...

-Okay. Get ready... And make it fast! -Quickly!

Or we’ll carry you off.

-He's here? -Hmm...

Right… fine. Then… I'll...

I’ll go look.

Thanks. Thank you.

Hey! Roger!

Roger!

Hey! Roger!

Roger!

Roger!

Mastana.

What happened?

Tell me…

Tell Dolly what’s the matter?

Have I done something?

No.. you haven’t done anything!

You haven’t… have you?

Dolly...

Tell me you haven’t done anything Dolly, and I’ll believe you. I swear!

You haven’t done it with that bloody kid in half-pants, have you?

That sister-fucking local-foreigner!

He dares touch my property!

People laugh behind my back.

And I know nothing!

Tell me, Dolly…

…he hasn’t done anything, has he?

Tell me, Dolly…

Did you give it to him?

Have you given it to him?

Speak up! Damn it!

Yes, I did.

Why? Huh?

Why? Why? Why?

After all these years… huh? After all these years… bloody, why now?

Dolly…

You won’t leave me, will you?

Huh?…

Don’t leave me! Don’t ever leave me!

I need you…

I need you…

Don’t ask me why… just don’t leave me.

Dolly...

Don’t leave me, Dolly. Don’t.

Don’t leave me and go, Dolly!

Enough… stop crying.

That’s enough.

I’m asking you one... last time.

Come… home… with me.

What?

What happened?

Who died?

I think... we just did.

Xerxes...

...Ricardo. Krishna. Xerxes. Ricardo. Krishna.

Xerxes. Ricardo. Krishna. Xerxes. Ricardo. Krishna. Xer...

So…

It is the...

...English man, Xerxes.

What did I do?

What did I do?

You’re dancing naked with my Dolly!

What other reason I need?

She was over there, I was here.

Oh...

Besides…

I'm gay!

Tch... tch... tch...

Ricardo...

Krishna…

Ricardo. Krishna. Ricardo. Krishna. Ricardo… Ricardo…

So…

You are the famous…

from Australia…

Your little… wiener...

...bloody Kangaroo jumping on my personal territory, without even getting visa.

Hey... In India also...

you fuck you friend’s girlfriend but at least you ask permission.

Isn’t that right?

What... I am to do with you?

Uhh!

Krishna..

Krishna..

Krishna... Krishna... Krishna... Krishna..

You have not done anything to me.

But they are your friends...

Are they not?

Now,

you three... shoot climax of my film Mumbai Banditos together.

3 Mumbai Banditos.

After climax is finished then... I will decide how I will finish you.

What they say in those old movies…

"Pleasure doing business with you."

Huh...

Mumbai Banditos. Scene 70. Shot 36. Take 4.

And... cut it!

Wow! Wow!

Very bad, very bad. I like it.

Well done! Well done! Hey Dolly!

Hey Dolly… hmm?

Huh...

Dolly… give me the gun.

-Give me my gun. -We made a deal Mastana.

You have to let them go.

These bloody local-foreigners!

Who they think they are...? Christopher Columbus? Sister-fuckers!

Planting their fucking flags on other people property.

Mastana! If you kill them, I go.

I'll let them go Dolly. I'll let them go.

Let go... let go of my hand.

Let go of my hand. I not kill them.

Everyone knows Mastana is a man of his word.

Everybody knows Mastana is a great.

Heh?

Now, you three idiots.

Sorry, sorry. Banditos!

Hmm?

I... give two choice.

1. You stay here, try to pick up my Dolly.

I shove my gun into your arse and shoot off your chupa-chups.

2… You fuck off from my face permanently.

Choice is yours, what you want?

Goodbye, baby!

Greetings. Thank you!

I love you!

Hey Dolly!

Your roadside Romeo looks so handsome, no?

Three heroes, horse riding off into 'The End' without girl.

Tch... tch... tch... tch... tch!

This picture definitely flop.

Welcome to Bombay.

Don’t breathe. Don’t eat the food. Don’t drink the water.

Don’t touch anything.

Specially the women.

It's life in extreme closeup.

Bollywood makes Hollywood look like film school.

You'll love to hate it.

Hate to love it.

It's like New York...

with Hindi subtitles.

It's an open air toilet.

Take that in.

Can you smell your lunch decomposing out there somewhere?

Uh... uh... uh...

Gotta move on guys.

It's killing me.

Literally.

-Gotta get out of here. -Definitely gotta go.

Oi! It's not over, moron!

Sweety, remove the wig quickly. I'm very tired today.

Mumbai is a totally dangerous place.

Where you survive... If you got the pace…

You gotta be fast, you got to be sharp You got to be smart to win the race,

small-small disputes become a police case,

whereas big-big cases vanish without a trace...

Don’t be scared, give it in the face…

What’s the saying?... Ah yes... when in Rome do as the Romans do.

Upon seeing a hot woman, The comb immediately comes out of the pocket

Be wary of indulging otherwise it may become a riot.

Some people look well to do while some look like beggars

Cannot judge anybody, are they honest or scoundrels?

Everything beyond Gangsterism is -'Nonsense!'

Whoever is under the boss is -'Fearless!'

Whoever trouble's the boss, he'll be screwed!

His blood will flow just like tomato sauce!

Oh my God…

Eating, drinking, dying, living

Walking, roaming, rising, falling

Don`t take tension, just ask the boss!

Wassup? I’m fine! I am Mumbhai!

Coming, going, dancing, singing, Bathing, washing, laughing, crying

Don't scream, just ask the boss, Wassup? I’m fine! I am Mumbhai!

Massage here... massage here...

Beer bar, dance bar Again and again and again

A great business for making loads of money

Whoever is seen at the boss` den even once,

stays put for good leaving his home and family.

Admission, election, telephone connection,

Construction permission, Illegal erection,

Money collection, paper correction, everything perfection

when Boss takes action.

If you go through the legal system it’ll take 20 years

Boss’ arms are longer than the arms of justice.

Leader, actor or be it any builder, all approach the boss for a murder contract

His power is such that that everybody bows down,

If he loses his cool then the entire Mumbai stops!

Tell that producer who is waiting outside...

...that I don`t have dates till the next year. Go!

Wassup? I’m fine! I am Mumbhai!

Coming, going, dancing, singing, Bathing, washing, laughing, crying

Don't scream, just ask the boss, Wassup? I’m fine! I am Mumbhai!

Eating, drinking, dying, living Walking, roaming, rising, falling

Don`t take tension, just ask the boss! Wassup? I’m fine! I am Mumbhai!

My name is Bhai ‘Mum-bhai’