Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,304 --> 00:00:03,524
♪♪
2
00:00:03,654 --> 00:00:07,094
The perfect Thanksgiving
leftover sandwich --
3
00:00:07,224 --> 00:00:10,967
turkey, cranberry sauce,
pumpkin pie,
4
00:00:11,098 --> 00:00:13,055
Tuttle's famous baba ghanoush,
5
00:00:13,186 --> 00:00:17,146
and a nice, big splash
of the after-dinner sambuca.
6
00:00:18,147 --> 00:00:19,149
[squish]
7
00:00:20,498 --> 00:00:21,498
[grunting]
8
00:00:21,629 --> 00:00:24,024
Thanksgiving is over, Francine.
9
00:00:24,153 --> 00:00:26,329
We can't live in the past.
10
00:00:26,460 --> 00:00:29,332
The Christmas season
has now begun.
11
00:00:31,030 --> 00:00:32,380
The Smiths have only ever had
12
00:00:32,509 --> 00:00:35,034
very bad, very weird
Christmases.
13
00:00:35,164 --> 00:00:37,776
So this year, it's imperative
that we finally have
14
00:00:37,906 --> 00:00:41,215
the perfect Norman Rockwell
holiday season.
15
00:00:42,345 --> 00:00:44,521
Oh, no, no.
Th-This isn't right at all.
16
00:00:44,652 --> 00:00:47,176
Hayley, why aren't
your cheeks rosier?
17
00:00:47,307 --> 00:00:48,960
Hey, cut it out!
18
00:00:49,091 --> 00:00:53,401
And, Steve, this sweater is
supposed to warm my icy heart?
19
00:00:53,530 --> 00:00:56,838
It's one of those ironic
ugly Christmas sweaters, see?
20
00:00:56,969 --> 00:00:58,753
It's kitschy.
It's fun.
21
00:00:58,884 --> 00:01:00,843
Well, excuse me, John Waters,
22
00:01:00,972 --> 00:01:03,759
but there's no room for irony
in our perfect Christmas.
23
00:01:03,889 --> 00:01:05,064
Geez, okay,
24
00:01:05,194 --> 00:01:07,067
I'll dig into my Jaclyn Smiths.
25
00:01:07,197 --> 00:01:08,850
Why aren't all your shoes on?
26
00:01:08,980 --> 00:01:10,548
We need to be heading out
for the Christmas tree lighting
27
00:01:10,679 --> 00:01:12,072
at the Langley
in like two minutes!
28
00:01:12,201 --> 00:01:13,203
What's the Langley?
29
00:01:13,334 --> 00:01:14,944
Oh, my God,
tell me you're kidding!
30
00:01:15,075 --> 00:01:16,771
I'm crawling into
the goddamn fire.
31
00:01:16,902 --> 00:01:20,079
The Langley is the upscale
outdoor mall they built
32
00:01:20,210 --> 00:01:24,388
where the stupid old [nasally]
eh, public library used to be.
33
00:01:24,519 --> 00:01:27,216
The Langley?
Super swank.
34
00:01:27,347 --> 00:01:30,090
Victoria Beckham bought a condo
there but has never visited.
35
00:01:30,219 --> 00:01:33,004
Klaus, why aren't you warming upthe car like I told you?
36
00:01:33,135 --> 00:01:35,442
I'm texting with my brother
from another mother Jurgen
37
00:01:35,573 --> 00:01:37,793
right now,
and he's freaking out.
38
00:01:37,923 --> 00:01:40,099
Some blackmailers
hacked his webcam,
39
00:01:40,229 --> 00:01:42,667
and he didn't pay up,
so they sent a video of him
40
00:01:42,798 --> 00:01:45,801
cranking it
to his entire contact list.
41
00:01:45,930 --> 00:01:48,978
Now everyone's calling him
Jerkin' Jurgen.
42
00:01:49,109 --> 00:01:50,371
This is not appropriate
43
00:01:50,501 --> 00:01:52,415
Norman Rockwell-like
Christmas talk.
44
00:01:52,546 --> 00:01:55,245
I saw that video,
and I think it's actually
45
00:01:55,376 --> 00:01:56,246
gonna be good for him.
46
00:01:56,377 --> 00:01:58,378
Dude's got a monster hog.
47
00:01:58,509 --> 00:02:01,120
Yeah, but he's got
those tinylittle balls.
48
00:02:01,251 --> 00:02:03,209
Hey, I got time to blast
a shit real quick?
49
00:02:03,340 --> 00:02:04,385
Norman Rockwell!
50
00:02:04,515 --> 00:02:05,995
♪♪
51
00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:09,389
♪ Good morning, USA♪
52
00:02:09,520 --> 00:02:12,348
♪♪
53
00:02:12,479 --> 00:02:16,396
Now, tell me, does this place
do Christmas right or what?
54
00:02:16,526 --> 00:02:18,834
And look, they even have
an actual polar bear
55
00:02:18,963 --> 00:02:20,227
at Santa's workshop.
56
00:02:20,356 --> 00:02:23,490
[bear growling, baby screaming]
57
00:02:23,621 --> 00:02:27,234
But lest we forget,
who's that special man
58
00:02:27,364 --> 00:02:28,582
the good Lord sent to Earth?
59
00:02:28,712 --> 00:02:30,105
Who's the reason
we have all this
60
00:02:30,236 --> 00:02:31,933
Christmas splendor to enjoy?
61
00:02:32,108 --> 00:02:35,284
TOGETHER: Visionary
mall developer Vic Mancuso.
62
00:02:35,415 --> 00:02:36,286
That's right.
63
00:02:36,417 --> 00:02:37,461
And there he is now!
64
00:02:37,591 --> 00:02:38,810
[cheers and applause]
65
00:02:39,070 --> 00:02:42,162
An angel of a man in front
of a behemoth of a tree.
66
00:02:42,292 --> 00:02:46,252
[whistles]
Norway spruce, 163 feet tall,
67
00:02:46,383 --> 00:02:50,212
secured in place by over
6,000 total feet of 200K-PSI
68
00:02:50,343 --> 00:02:52,301
reinforced steel tension wire.
69
00:02:52,432 --> 00:02:53,477
How do you know all that?
70
00:02:53,608 --> 00:02:54,825
Just eyeballin' it.
71
00:02:55,043 --> 00:02:57,219
Well, since we seem to have
found our spot here,
72
00:02:57,350 --> 00:02:59,179
I just have a quick errand
I need to take care of.
73
00:02:59,308 --> 00:03:00,484
Yeah, you do.
74
00:03:00,657 --> 00:03:02,399
Getting hot chocolates
for the whole family.
75
00:03:02,530 --> 00:03:03,182
What?!
No, I really --
76
00:03:03,312 --> 00:03:04,532
"No" nothing.
77
00:03:04,662 --> 00:03:07,187
Four piping-hot cocoas
to hold like this --
78
00:03:07,317 --> 00:03:08,710
Mmmmm.
79
00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:10,625
[slurps, smacks lips]
80
00:03:10,754 --> 00:03:13,409
Ahh!
Tastes like Christmas.
81
00:03:13,540 --> 00:03:14,846
Well, I was actually
hoping to --
82
00:03:14,977 --> 00:03:16,151
Get some caramel corn?
83
00:03:16,283 --> 00:03:17,501
Great! 'Cause that's what
you're doing.
84
00:03:17,632 --> 00:03:19,981
And, Francine, you're going
to Santa's workshop
85
00:03:20,111 --> 00:03:21,896
to ask the Santa there
if he'd like to join us
86
00:03:22,026 --> 00:03:23,246
to watch the tree lighting.
87
00:03:23,377 --> 00:03:25,509
Long shot, maybe,
but what if -- if he says yes?
88
00:03:25,639 --> 00:03:27,641
-Listen, Stan --
-No, youlisten!
89
00:03:27,771 --> 00:03:30,296
Today is the kickoff to
the entire Christmas season,
90
00:03:30,426 --> 00:03:33,430
and we only have one chance
to make it absolutely perfect.
91
00:03:33,561 --> 00:03:35,911
So could you slap-dicks
just do one thing each
92
00:03:36,040 --> 00:03:36,998
to help me make that happen?
93
00:03:37,128 --> 00:03:38,174
Now go!
94
00:03:41,090 --> 00:03:43,310
You are tough but fair, Stan.
95
00:03:43,439 --> 00:03:44,223
Shut up, you idiot.
96
00:03:44,353 --> 00:03:46,921
You made me forget my phone
in the car, you idiot.
97
00:03:47,051 --> 00:03:48,314
Again, so fair.
98
00:03:48,444 --> 00:03:49,402
Save our spot.
99
00:03:51,448 --> 00:03:53,102
You can count on me, Stan.
100
00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:54,103
-Aah!
-[glass clatters]
101
00:03:54,234 --> 00:03:55,408
[squishing]
102
00:03:57,540 --> 00:04:01,152
♪♪
103
00:04:01,283 --> 00:04:02,329
STAN: 5:55.
104
00:04:02,459 --> 00:04:04,765
Okay, should still make it
back in plenty of time
105
00:04:04,895 --> 00:04:07,158
to see the surviving members
of Big Bad Voodoo Daddy
106
00:04:07,289 --> 00:04:08,986
play "God Rest Ye
Swingin' Gentlemen."
107
00:04:09,117 --> 00:04:11,032
[bell dinging]
108
00:04:11,163 --> 00:04:12,252
Aah!
109
00:04:13,556 --> 00:04:14,471
Careful, there!
110
00:04:14,602 --> 00:04:16,603
I've heard of catching a train,
111
00:04:16,733 --> 00:04:18,475
but not with your teeth!
112
00:04:18,605 --> 00:04:20,259
[laughs]
113
00:04:20,389 --> 00:04:21,564
[grumbles]
114
00:04:21,696 --> 00:04:23,350
ROGER:
Got a minute, handsome?
115
00:04:23,480 --> 00:04:26,266
What if I told you
the black mud of the Dead Sea
116
00:04:26,396 --> 00:04:28,702
can offer you hope
in your battle with rosacea?
117
00:04:28,832 --> 00:04:30,139
I don't have rosacea.
118
00:04:30,269 --> 00:04:32,968
And now I'm gonna touch the
small of your back like this.
119
00:04:33,098 --> 00:04:34,970
Does it make you feel
like you can trust me?
120
00:04:35,100 --> 00:04:37,146
So, thisis what you had to do
121
00:04:37,276 --> 00:04:39,408
instead of spending Tree-
Lighting Day with your family?
122
00:04:39,540 --> 00:04:40,322
Oh, hey, Stan!
123
00:04:40,454 --> 00:04:42,846
Look, I'm sorry,but I got to move a lot of cream
124
00:04:42,978 --> 00:04:44,283
to make my year-end quota.
125
00:04:44,413 --> 00:04:45,545
But don't worry, I'll get there.
126
00:04:45,675 --> 00:04:47,983
It's as simple as A-B-C...
127
00:04:48,112 --> 00:04:50,332
T-T-C-A-T-E-T-H-R.
128
00:04:50,463 --> 00:04:52,552
"Always Be Constantly
Touching the Customer,
129
00:04:52,682 --> 00:04:54,641
And Tell Everyone
They Have Rosacea."
130
00:04:54,771 --> 00:04:56,165
Matter of fact, have you
ever thought about trying
131
00:04:56,295 --> 00:04:57,862
to address yourskin condition?
132
00:04:57,992 --> 00:04:59,341
What skin condition?
133
00:04:59,560 --> 00:05:02,213
May I place my hand like this
underneath your armpit?
134
00:05:02,345 --> 00:05:04,651
Our cream is fast-working
and totally natural.
135
00:05:04,781 --> 00:05:06,435
You could eat it
if you wanted to.
136
00:05:06,567 --> 00:05:08,524
I'm munching on the stuff
all day myself.
137
00:05:08,656 --> 00:05:10,310
So, how many jars
can I put you down for,
138
00:05:10,439 --> 00:05:12,442
you crimson-faced monster?
139
00:05:12,572 --> 00:05:13,442
CROWD: 10, 9...
140
00:05:13,574 --> 00:05:14,531
-What?!
-...8...
141
00:05:14,661 --> 00:05:16,098
-It's only 6:00!
-...7, 6, 5...
142
00:05:16,228 --> 00:05:18,447
I thought the actual lighting
wasn't till 7:00!
143
00:05:18,579 --> 00:05:21,755
...4, 3, 2, 1!
144
00:05:21,886 --> 00:05:25,062
[cheers and applause]
145
00:05:25,194 --> 00:05:26,586
[bulb hissing]
146
00:05:29,545 --> 00:05:31,026
[gasping]
147
00:05:31,156 --> 00:05:32,896
I warned you this would happen!
148
00:05:33,028 --> 00:05:35,552
It was too big, I said!
And too dry!
149
00:05:35,682 --> 00:05:37,814
I still think
it could've gone okay!
150
00:05:37,946 --> 00:05:41,384
♪♪
151
00:05:41,514 --> 00:05:44,865
Maxon!
For God's sake, Maxon, run!
152
00:05:44,995 --> 00:05:46,346
I swore an oath!
153
00:05:48,259 --> 00:05:49,130
Francine!
154
00:05:49,261 --> 00:05:51,002
Hayley! Steve!
155
00:05:51,132 --> 00:05:51,915
Maxon!
156
00:05:52,047 --> 00:05:54,223
♪♪
157
00:05:54,353 --> 00:05:57,139
[explosion reverberates]
158
00:05:58,619 --> 00:06:01,230
[flames crackling,
man screaming]
159
00:06:01,360 --> 00:06:02,536
Stop! Stop!
160
00:06:02,665 --> 00:06:05,451
Can't you see this man needs
top-dollar skincare?
161
00:06:05,581 --> 00:06:07,497
Don't worry,
this borage oil scrub
162
00:06:07,627 --> 00:06:09,499
both exfoliates andrejuvenates.
163
00:06:09,629 --> 00:06:10,586
-[squishing]
-Hm.
164
00:06:10,718 --> 00:06:12,588
A lot of your skin
is just comin' right off.
165
00:06:12,720 --> 00:06:14,939
[chains rattling, bear growling]
166
00:06:15,069 --> 00:06:18,552
Okay, Daganyah, this might be
your toughest sale ever.
167
00:06:18,682 --> 00:06:20,509
-What if --
-[bear snarls]
168
00:06:23,644 --> 00:06:26,168
They're all...dead.
169
00:06:26,298 --> 00:06:28,300
[siren wailing]
170
00:06:28,430 --> 00:06:34,872
♪♪
171
00:06:35,002 --> 00:06:36,612
Come on, Mr. S.
172
00:06:36,744 --> 00:06:39,180
Maybe opening presents
will make us feel better.
173
00:06:39,310 --> 00:06:40,574
How?
174
00:06:40,747 --> 00:06:43,141
I can never have the only thing
I really want --
175
00:06:43,271 --> 00:06:44,665
my family.
176
00:06:44,795 --> 00:06:47,319
All I have left of them
is what the rescue workers
177
00:06:47,449 --> 00:06:49,146
managed to find
among the wreckage.
178
00:06:49,278 --> 00:06:51,279
Steve's glasses.
179
00:06:51,411 --> 00:06:52,846
Hayley's headband.
180
00:06:52,976 --> 00:06:56,153
Francine's famous no-show socks.
181
00:06:56,284 --> 00:06:58,199
It was supposed to be
a perfect day,
182
00:06:58,329 --> 00:07:00,158
but it ended up going so wrong
183
00:07:00,288 --> 00:07:03,858
that it now ranks among some of
the very worst days of my life.
184
00:07:03,987 --> 00:07:05,990
I'm so sorry, Mr. S.
185
00:07:06,120 --> 00:07:07,382
Spare me!
186
00:07:07,644 --> 00:07:09,471
You have no idea what
it feels like to lose a wife.
187
00:07:09,603 --> 00:07:11,908
[shakily]
I -- I lost Hayley.
188
00:07:12,040 --> 00:07:13,997
[sobbing] My Hayley!
189
00:07:14,129 --> 00:07:16,870
She died
never finding happiness!
190
00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:18,742
[sobs]
191
00:07:18,872 --> 00:07:21,788
Mr. S., you haven't eaten
in days.
192
00:07:21,918 --> 00:07:24,095
At least have a fortune cookie.
193
00:07:24,225 --> 00:07:26,488
Fine.
If you'll leave me alone.
194
00:07:26,620 --> 00:07:28,795
Merry Christmas, Mr. S.
195
00:07:28,925 --> 00:07:30,492
Merry Christmas.
196
00:07:34,540 --> 00:07:39,153
"You can make right
what once went wrong."
197
00:07:39,283 --> 00:07:40,807
[bell dinging]
198
00:07:42,244 --> 00:07:43,113
Aah!
199
00:07:43,245 --> 00:07:45,159
Careful, there!
200
00:07:45,290 --> 00:07:47,553
I've heard of catching a train,
201
00:07:47,683 --> 00:07:49,380
but not with your teeth!
202
00:07:49,512 --> 00:07:50,774
[laughs]
203
00:07:50,904 --> 00:07:52,601
What the...?!
204
00:07:52,733 --> 00:07:54,473
I'm back.
205
00:07:54,603 --> 00:07:55,735
I'm back!
206
00:07:55,865 --> 00:07:58,521
MAN:
And I'm back, too, baby!
207
00:07:58,651 --> 00:08:00,000
Guess who just got approved
208
00:08:00,130 --> 00:08:02,524
for a Banana Republic
credit card
209
00:08:02,656 --> 00:08:05,048
despitethree bankruptcies!
210
00:08:05,180 --> 00:08:06,702
Ba-boom!
211
00:08:06,834 --> 00:08:08,399
W-W-Whoo, whoo, whoo!
212
00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:13,404
♪♪
213
00:08:13,536 --> 00:08:14,711
How can this be?
214
00:08:14,841 --> 00:08:16,495
Am I dreaming?
215
00:08:16,625 --> 00:08:18,627
5:55.
216
00:08:18,759 --> 00:08:20,411
ROGER:
Got a minute, handsome?
217
00:08:20,543 --> 00:08:22,370
What if I told you
the black mud --
218
00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:23,502
-Roger!
-Oh, hey, Stan.
219
00:08:23,632 --> 00:08:26,375
-What the hell is happening?
-In a word -- rosacea.
220
00:08:26,505 --> 00:08:28,769
It is a red tide on your face,
my friend.
221
00:08:28,899 --> 00:08:31,511
One minute ago,
I was on the couch, and then...
222
00:08:31,641 --> 00:08:33,469
Now, your girlfriend
must complain to you
223
00:08:33,600 --> 00:08:35,514
about your rough,
bumpy skin, yes?
224
00:08:35,644 --> 00:08:37,211
When she's close like this?
225
00:08:37,341 --> 00:08:39,996
STAN: "You can make right
what once went wrong."
226
00:08:40,128 --> 00:08:42,609
I'm being given a chance
to save my family!
227
00:08:42,739 --> 00:08:45,654
You're being given a chance
to save your nasty-ass skin
228
00:08:45,786 --> 00:08:48,528
with our jojoba-infused
mud mask.
229
00:08:48,658 --> 00:08:51,618
Hot chocolate, popcorn,
Santa's workshop.
230
00:08:52,443 --> 00:08:53,576
Jojoba!
231
00:08:53,706 --> 00:08:56,710
[chuckling] They don't make
words like that anymore.
232
00:08:56,840 --> 00:08:58,625
Steve! Steve!
233
00:08:58,754 --> 00:09:00,626
Where is he?
I need to get moving.
234
00:09:00,756 --> 00:09:03,280
Time is running out.
Barista, urgent question --
235
00:09:03,412 --> 00:09:04,500
What is a hug mug?
236
00:09:04,630 --> 00:09:07,458
It's a cozy, rounded mug
you hold like this,
237
00:09:07,590 --> 00:09:08,808
with two hands!
238
00:09:08,938 --> 00:09:10,985
Okay, lay one on me.
But I'm in a serious hurry,
239
00:09:11,115 --> 00:09:12,552
so let's put a rush on that,
sister.
240
00:09:12,682 --> 00:09:15,250
[bell tolling]
241
00:09:15,379 --> 00:09:16,206
[flames roaring]
242
00:09:16,337 --> 00:09:17,774
[crowd screaming]
243
00:09:17,904 --> 00:09:19,036
What have I done?
244
00:09:19,167 --> 00:09:20,995
I've wasted my chance!
245
00:09:21,648 --> 00:09:25,433
[explosion reverberating]
246
00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:26,609
-[bell dinging]
-Aah!
247
00:09:28,784 --> 00:09:29,786
Careful, there!
248
00:09:29,917 --> 00:09:32,048
I've heard of catching a train,
249
00:09:32,179 --> 00:09:33,876
but not with your teeth!
250
00:09:34,008 --> 00:09:35,575
[laughs]
251
00:09:35,705 --> 00:09:38,142
I'm alive!
And I'm back again!
252
00:09:38,273 --> 00:09:39,665
Okay, I'll get
Francine and Hayley.
253
00:09:39,796 --> 00:09:41,450
Maybe they know where Steve is.
254
00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:43,451
There's not one second to spare.
255
00:09:43,582 --> 00:09:45,496
One large hug mug,
name Big Stanno.
256
00:09:45,628 --> 00:09:48,283
I'll swing back to pick it up
after I collect my family!
257
00:09:48,413 --> 00:09:49,893
Hayley!
258
00:09:49,937 --> 00:09:52,068
Baby girl!
259
00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:53,504
Oh, sorry.
260
00:09:54,549 --> 00:09:56,639
You might want to talk
to my friend Daganyah --
261
00:09:56,769 --> 00:09:59,250
kiosk in front of the H&M.
262
00:09:59,380 --> 00:10:01,470
And no Francine either!
263
00:10:01,600 --> 00:10:03,298
Where the hell could they be?
[gasps]
264
00:10:05,038 --> 00:10:06,779
Pleasure doing business
with you.
265
00:10:06,909 --> 00:10:08,869
There was a time the word
"genius" was reserved
266
00:10:08,999 --> 00:10:12,828
for the likes of Isaac Newton
and Zach Braff.
267
00:10:12,960 --> 00:10:15,831
Steve!
My beautiful baby boy!
268
00:10:15,962 --> 00:10:17,791
Is it -- Is it really you?
269
00:10:17,921 --> 00:10:18,792
Yeah?
270
00:10:18,922 --> 00:10:21,403
Oh, Steve,
let's never fight again.
271
00:10:21,533 --> 00:10:22,883
After you tell me
why the hell you aren't
272
00:10:23,013 --> 00:10:24,274
getting us our hot chocolates!
273
00:10:24,405 --> 00:10:25,363
And where's your mom and Hayley?
274
00:10:25,494 --> 00:10:26,364
I don't know!
275
00:10:26,495 --> 00:10:28,758
Okay, okay.
I know where you are now.
276
00:10:28,889 --> 00:10:30,106
[crowd screaming]
277
00:10:30,238 --> 00:10:32,543
Aah! I never picked up
my hug mug.
278
00:10:32,674 --> 00:10:33,588
[bell dinging]
279
00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:34,764
Aah!
280
00:10:34,894 --> 00:10:36,678
Careful, there!
281
00:10:36,809 --> 00:10:38,985
I've heard of catching a train,
but not with your teeth.
282
00:10:39,115 --> 00:10:40,856
Boop!
283
00:10:41,989 --> 00:10:43,424
Hayley? Francine?
284
00:10:43,554 --> 00:10:44,947
[bell tolling]
285
00:10:45,078 --> 00:10:46,384
[crowd screaming]
286
00:10:46,514 --> 00:10:47,777
-[bell dinging]
-Aah!
287
00:10:47,908 --> 00:10:49,561
Hayley? Francine?
288
00:10:50,779 --> 00:10:51,606
-[bell dinging]
-Aah!
289
00:10:51,738 --> 00:10:53,129
Hayley? Francine?
290
00:10:53,260 --> 00:10:55,524
♪♪
291
00:10:55,654 --> 00:10:56,567
Hayley!
292
00:10:58,745 --> 00:11:00,615
Where's our caramel corn?
293
00:11:00,746 --> 00:11:02,312
And where the hell
is your mother?
294
00:11:04,402 --> 00:11:07,667
You dorinse these things off
between each customer, right?
295
00:11:07,797 --> 00:11:10,886
Eh, if they get toobloody,
I give 'em a little lick.
296
00:11:11,018 --> 00:11:12,149
Here comes the poke!
297
00:11:12,279 --> 00:11:14,977
-STAN: Francine!
-[sighing] All right, Stan.
298
00:11:15,109 --> 00:11:17,024
You caught me.
Fun's over.
299
00:11:17,153 --> 00:11:19,548
Psh-yeah, right.
The fun is just beginning!
300
00:11:19,678 --> 00:11:21,028
The fun of me yelling at you!
301
00:11:21,158 --> 00:11:22,899
Why is no one doing
the Christmas chores
302
00:11:23,029 --> 00:11:24,118
we all agreed to?
303
00:11:24,248 --> 00:11:25,946
We didn't agree to anything!
304
00:11:26,076 --> 00:11:29,036
You've just been bossing us
around all day like a big jerk,
305
00:11:29,166 --> 00:11:32,474
so we decided to do some stuff
wewanted to do instead.
306
00:11:32,604 --> 00:11:34,649
And what youwanted to do
was turn yourself
307
00:11:34,780 --> 00:11:36,913
into some kind of
Sideshow Susan,
308
00:11:37,043 --> 00:11:38,697
Lady of Many Holes?
309
00:11:38,827 --> 00:11:40,134
Oh, relax, Stan.
310
00:11:40,264 --> 00:11:42,222
I enjoy getting pierced, okay?
311
00:11:42,352 --> 00:11:45,835
I do it all the time and then
just let the holes close up.
312
00:11:45,966 --> 00:11:47,793
Except for the ones that don't.
313
00:11:47,923 --> 00:11:48,924
In the right breeze,
314
00:11:49,056 --> 00:11:51,841
my nipples can whistle
"Camptown Races."
315
00:11:51,971 --> 00:11:54,713
And as everybody knows,
my interest in basketball
316
00:11:54,844 --> 00:11:56,846
has just gone
into hyperdrive lately.
317
00:11:56,976 --> 00:11:58,847
I'm very disappointed
in the both of you.
318
00:11:58,979 --> 00:12:02,373
I'm gonna go shoot the shit
with Maxon till the fire comes.
319
00:12:02,504 --> 00:12:04,288
[wind howling, whistling]
320
00:12:07,596 --> 00:12:08,423
[explosion reverberating]
321
00:12:08,552 --> 00:12:10,076
-[bell dinging]
-Aah!
322
00:12:10,206 --> 00:12:11,947
They're way too spread out
for me
323
00:12:12,078 --> 00:12:13,863
to be able to get them
all out in time.
324
00:12:13,994 --> 00:12:16,518
I'll have to somehow stop
the disaster itself
325
00:12:16,648 --> 00:12:18,215
from ever happening.
326
00:12:19,913 --> 00:12:22,916
Mr. Mancuso, my liege,
in your infinite wisdom,
327
00:12:23,046 --> 00:12:24,787
I implore you
to call off the lighting.
328
00:12:24,918 --> 00:12:26,745
Countless lives are at stake!
329
00:12:26,875 --> 00:12:27,963
Activate the snipers.
330
00:12:28,095 --> 00:12:30,750
[high-pitched buzzing]
331
00:12:30,879 --> 00:12:33,490
Mancuso, you've done it again.
332
00:12:33,621 --> 00:12:35,711
[gunfire]
333
00:12:35,841 --> 00:12:37,017
-[bell dinging]
-Aah!
334
00:12:38,105 --> 00:12:39,715
Careful, there!
I've --
335
00:12:39,846 --> 00:12:41,020
Janitor!
You have to help me.
336
00:12:41,150 --> 00:12:42,892
I need to find
the main circuit breaker
337
00:12:43,023 --> 00:12:44,546
so I can cut power
to the entire mall.
338
00:12:44,676 --> 00:12:45,894
Easy, buddy.
Nice and --
339
00:12:46,025 --> 00:12:47,941
Please, Janitor,
we have to hurry.
340
00:12:48,071 --> 00:12:49,899
Well, I'm already in a hurry.
341
00:12:50,029 --> 00:12:52,119
It's my wife Daisy's
birthday tomorrow,
342
00:12:52,249 --> 00:12:54,860
and if I don't get her
some of those chocolate bonbons
343
00:12:54,990 --> 00:12:56,036
she loves, I'm gonna be pulling
344
00:12:56,165 --> 00:12:58,865
rolling-pin splinters
out of my backside.
345
00:12:58,995 --> 00:13:00,475
[laughs]
346
00:13:00,605 --> 00:13:02,085
Janitors can get married?
347
00:13:03,086 --> 00:13:03,913
[explosion reverberating]
348
00:13:04,043 --> 00:13:05,480
-[bell dinging]
-Aah!
349
00:13:06,307 --> 00:13:07,830
Listen!
How could I know all this?
350
00:13:07,961 --> 00:13:10,354
Your wife's name is Daisy.
It's her birthday tomorrow.
351
00:13:10,485 --> 00:13:11,746
She loves chocolate bonbons --
352
00:13:11,878 --> 00:13:13,096
You been [bleep] my wife?!
353
00:13:13,226 --> 00:13:15,924
[grunts] I'll kill you,
you son of a bitch!
354
00:13:16,056 --> 00:13:18,014
-[grunting]
-Stop it!
355
00:13:18,144 --> 00:13:20,059
-You've gone mad with rosacea!
-[groans]
356
00:13:20,190 --> 00:13:21,931
-[bell dinging]
-Aah!
357
00:13:22,845 --> 00:13:24,759
Look, I know this sounds crazy,
358
00:13:24,890 --> 00:13:26,893
but I'm in
some kind of time loop.
359
00:13:27,023 --> 00:13:28,503
Say no more!
What do you need?
360
00:13:28,633 --> 00:13:31,679
To...get to the main
circuit breaker.
361
00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:32,855
Gotcha.
362
00:13:32,985 --> 00:13:34,988
These are the blueprints
to the whole mall.
363
00:13:35,118 --> 00:13:36,032
Now, how long's your loop?
364
00:13:36,163 --> 00:13:38,033
Uh, I...five minutes?
Uh...
365
00:13:38,164 --> 00:13:40,167
[whistles]
Gonna be tight.
366
00:13:40,297 --> 00:13:43,692
We can find you a path there,
but you're gonna have to do...
367
00:13:43,822 --> 00:13:46,129
The perfect five minutes.
368
00:13:46,259 --> 00:13:47,565
[explosion reverberating]
369
00:13:47,696 --> 00:13:48,914
-[bell dinging]
-Aah!
370
00:13:49,567 --> 00:13:50,873
Slow down!
371
00:13:51,004 --> 00:13:54,006
What are you, in a damn
time loop or something?!
372
00:13:54,136 --> 00:13:59,054
♪♪
373
00:13:59,186 --> 00:14:04,365
♪♪
374
00:14:04,495 --> 00:14:09,630
♪♪
375
00:14:09,760 --> 00:14:10,631
[coughs]
376
00:14:10,761 --> 00:14:17,552
♪♪
377
00:14:17,682 --> 00:14:18,552
Hi! Can I --
378
00:14:18,682 --> 00:14:20,120
There's no time!
379
00:14:20,250 --> 00:14:21,990
Sweat-wicking Nulux leggings
380
00:14:22,121 --> 00:14:24,384
for optimally reduced
wind resistance.
381
00:14:24,514 --> 00:14:31,217
♪♪
382
00:14:31,347 --> 00:14:33,350
Order for Big Stanno.
383
00:14:35,744 --> 00:14:36,962
[screaming]
384
00:14:37,092 --> 00:14:38,659
[glass shatters]
385
00:14:38,789 --> 00:14:40,009
-[bell dinging]
-Aah!
386
00:14:40,139 --> 00:14:41,140
[laughs]
387
00:14:41,270 --> 00:14:43,926
No hot chocolate this time
unless I save my family.
388
00:14:44,057 --> 00:14:45,536
That will be my reward.
389
00:14:47,190 --> 00:14:48,061
Can I help y--
[grunts]
390
00:14:48,191 --> 00:14:51,193
CROWD: 10, 9, 8, 7,
391
00:14:51,325 --> 00:14:54,240
6, 5, 4,
392
00:14:54,370 --> 00:14:57,461
3, 2, 1!
393
00:14:57,591 --> 00:14:59,158
[powering down]
394
00:15:04,206 --> 00:15:05,860
[crowd murmuring]
395
00:15:05,991 --> 00:15:08,341
Anyone want a hit
of this skin cream?
396
00:15:10,431 --> 00:15:11,866
I did it.
397
00:15:11,998 --> 00:15:13,129
They're gonna live.
398
00:15:13,259 --> 00:15:15,174
I warned you this would happen!
399
00:15:15,304 --> 00:15:17,611
The power's gonna go out,
I said!
400
00:15:17,741 --> 00:15:19,961
No tree makes a fool
of Vic Mancuso!
401
00:15:20,092 --> 00:15:21,006
[grunts]
402
00:15:23,139 --> 00:15:25,489
[creaking, rattling]
403
00:15:25,620 --> 00:15:26,837
[line whipping]
404
00:15:26,969 --> 00:15:32,582
♪♪
405
00:15:32,713 --> 00:15:37,937
♪♪
406
00:15:38,067 --> 00:15:40,025
Mm? [groans lightly]
407
00:15:41,288 --> 00:15:42,505
[all groaning quietly]
408
00:15:42,636 --> 00:15:47,859
♪♪
409
00:15:47,990 --> 00:15:49,251
[gasps]
410
00:15:50,600 --> 00:15:51,907
I got this.
411
00:15:52,038 --> 00:15:53,038
I got this.
412
00:15:54,388 --> 00:15:56,650
May I place my hand
underneath your armpit?
413
00:15:56,780 --> 00:15:58,870
[bear growls]
414
00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:00,046
[splat]
415
00:16:05,442 --> 00:16:07,182
-[bell dinging]
-Aah!
416
00:16:07,313 --> 00:16:08,923
Careful, there!
417
00:16:09,054 --> 00:16:10,664
How do I make it stop?!
418
00:16:10,794 --> 00:16:12,448
Nothing I do matters!
419
00:16:12,580 --> 00:16:14,929
I just want to die
and stay dead!
420
00:16:15,061 --> 00:16:16,105
Whoooa, now!
421
00:16:16,235 --> 00:16:20,109
Sounds like someone's got a caseof the time-loop blues.
422
00:16:20,240 --> 00:16:23,721
"You can make right
what once went wrong."
423
00:16:23,851 --> 00:16:25,027
But I can't!
424
00:16:25,158 --> 00:16:28,161
No matter what I do
or how perfectly I do it,
425
00:16:28,291 --> 00:16:30,076
they always still die!
426
00:16:30,206 --> 00:16:31,947
The cookie's bullshit, Janitor!
427
00:16:32,077 --> 00:16:36,951
Well, maybe what you can"make right" isn't the disaster,
428
00:16:37,082 --> 00:16:39,868
but the way you treated
your family?
429
00:16:39,999 --> 00:16:41,086
How? I only have
430
00:16:41,216 --> 00:16:44,046
these same 5 measly minutes
over and over again.
431
00:16:44,177 --> 00:16:45,917
Not over and over.
432
00:16:46,048 --> 00:16:48,136
See the lucky numbers
here on your fortune?
433
00:16:48,268 --> 00:16:50,096
Classic time-loop countdown.
434
00:16:50,225 --> 00:16:53,054
I'd say you only got
three loops left.
435
00:16:53,186 --> 00:16:54,490
Wow.
436
00:16:54,621 --> 00:16:57,058
You are the wisest janitor
I've ever met.
437
00:16:57,190 --> 00:16:59,931
Well, next to the one at Arby's
who told me to check out
438
00:17:00,062 --> 00:17:01,236
The Bastard Executioner.
439
00:17:01,368 --> 00:17:03,152
It did notdisappoint.
440
00:17:03,283 --> 00:17:05,980
I watched the whole thing
like this.
441
00:17:06,112 --> 00:17:08,375
Anyway...
442
00:17:08,505 --> 00:17:10,811
You can either waste
your last few loops
443
00:17:10,942 --> 00:17:14,032
running around
trying to save your family,
444
00:17:14,163 --> 00:17:16,383
or you can spend them
being withthem.
445
00:17:16,512 --> 00:17:18,037
Your choice.
446
00:17:18,166 --> 00:17:19,994
Yep, they ain't ever easy,
447
00:17:20,125 --> 00:17:22,345
these magical time-loop
situations.
448
00:17:22,476 --> 00:17:24,955
Body-switching vice-versas,
same thing.
449
00:17:25,086 --> 00:17:27,349
I-I'm in one right now,
matter of fact.
450
00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:29,830
[whispering]
I'm actually a little boy.
451
00:17:29,961 --> 00:17:31,310
That explains
why you kept telling me
452
00:17:31,441 --> 00:17:33,487
how strong your dad was earlier.
453
00:17:33,616 --> 00:17:35,576
Which I still don't believe.
454
00:17:35,705 --> 00:17:37,403
[explosion reverberating,
people screaming]
455
00:17:37,534 --> 00:17:38,491
[laughs]
456
00:17:43,932 --> 00:17:45,064
So, let me get this straight.
457
00:17:45,193 --> 00:17:47,805
You're in a body-swap situation,
458
00:17:47,935 --> 00:17:50,286
and you're actually
an 85-year-old
459
00:17:50,416 --> 00:17:51,982
French-Canadian bus driver?
460
00:17:52,114 --> 00:17:55,161
-STAN: Francine?
-[sighing] All right, Stan.
461
00:17:55,290 --> 00:17:56,509
You caught me.
462
00:17:56,727 --> 00:17:58,947
I'll head over to Santa's
workshop like you wanted.
463
00:17:59,077 --> 00:18:02,384
No! We're gonna do something
youwant to do now.
464
00:18:02,516 --> 00:18:04,996
Garçon, give us both the works.
465
00:18:05,126 --> 00:18:06,519
[whistles]
466
00:18:06,650 --> 00:18:09,522
I was so hung up on making this
a perfect day
467
00:18:09,653 --> 00:18:10,740
for the family...
468
00:18:11,133 --> 00:18:12,307
[groans] ...that I lost sight
of the fact that...
469
00:18:12,439 --> 00:18:13,830
Aah!
470
00:18:13,961 --> 00:18:15,310
...the day was already
perfect because...
471
00:18:15,442 --> 00:18:17,051
Mother[bleep]
472
00:18:17,182 --> 00:18:18,444
...I was with my family.
473
00:18:18,575 --> 00:18:20,229
And I'm sorry for that.
474
00:18:20,359 --> 00:18:21,403
Oh, Stan!
475
00:18:21,535 --> 00:18:23,318
I'd kiss you if this chain
476
00:18:23,450 --> 00:18:26,105
weren't connecting my upper lip
to my belly button.
477
00:18:26,234 --> 00:18:28,628
I'm just glad we got to spend
some time together before
478
00:18:28,759 --> 00:18:31,806
we're consumed by a bone-meltingtsunami of fire.
479
00:18:31,935 --> 00:18:33,415
Aw, me too.
480
00:18:33,547 --> 00:18:34,765
-[bell tolling]
-Wait, what?!
481
00:18:34,895 --> 00:18:36,549
[explosion reverberating,
people screaming]
482
00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:38,813
Do you have any balls
that feature Tweety Bird
483
00:18:38,942 --> 00:18:40,554
dressed up all street?
484
00:18:40,683 --> 00:18:42,295
STAN: Think fast!
485
00:18:42,424 --> 00:18:44,644
How about a little one-on-one
with your old man?
486
00:18:44,775 --> 00:18:45,819
Best to 11.
487
00:18:45,950 --> 00:18:47,386
Or whoever's ahead when we die.
488
00:18:47,517 --> 00:18:48,561
I'd like that.
489
00:18:48,692 --> 00:18:50,346
-Ohh!
-My ball!
490
00:18:50,477 --> 00:18:52,042
Michael Jordan!
491
00:18:52,086 --> 00:18:53,306
Larry Bird!
492
00:18:53,435 --> 00:18:54,262
Air Bud!
493
00:18:54,394 --> 00:18:56,395
Air Bud 2: Golden Receiver!
494
00:18:56,526 --> 00:18:57,919
For the Love of Benji!
495
00:18:58,048 --> 00:18:59,137
Turner & Hooch!
496
00:18:59,268 --> 00:19:00,442
Dog Day Afternoon!
497
00:19:00,574 --> 00:19:03,229
BOTH:
Beverly Hills Chihuahua!
498
00:19:03,358 --> 00:19:05,578
[both laughing]
499
00:19:05,709 --> 00:19:08,364
That was a lot of fun.
Thanks, Dad.
500
00:19:08,494 --> 00:19:09,409
[bell tolling]
501
00:19:09,538 --> 00:19:11,627
And here comes the fireball.
502
00:19:11,759 --> 00:19:13,455
[explosion reverberating,
people screaming]
503
00:19:13,586 --> 00:19:16,372
Let's just get this over with,
shall we?
504
00:19:16,502 --> 00:19:19,461
Steve! My first and now
certainly only son!
505
00:19:19,593 --> 00:19:20,984
Let's bond.
506
00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:22,596
Uh, I'm kind of in the middle
of something right now.
507
00:19:22,726 --> 00:19:24,815
Okay, you're here.
You love tech.
508
00:19:24,945 --> 00:19:26,382
Let's play computer together!
509
00:19:26,512 --> 00:19:28,297
Any of these things do
Leisure Suit Larry?
510
00:19:28,428 --> 00:19:29,864
Um, who is this guy?
511
00:19:29,993 --> 00:19:31,431
Don't worry about it, jerk.
512
00:19:31,560 --> 00:19:34,128
Who do you have such
a contentious relationship
513
00:19:34,259 --> 00:19:36,086
with this simple,
hardworking genius?
514
00:19:36,218 --> 00:19:38,438
Because this genius
hacked my computer,
515
00:19:38,567 --> 00:19:40,179
and if I don't pay him off
right now,
516
00:19:40,308 --> 00:19:42,702
he's gonna put out a video
of me whacking it, okay?!
517
00:19:42,833 --> 00:19:44,400
[gasps, murmurs]
518
00:19:44,530 --> 00:19:45,662
I said come alone.
519
00:19:45,792 --> 00:19:46,836
Deal's off.
520
00:19:46,968 --> 00:19:48,186
[click]
521
00:19:48,317 --> 00:19:50,276
Ugh, what a day!
522
00:19:50,405 --> 00:19:51,625
[gasps]
523
00:19:51,755 --> 00:19:55,193
Time to relax with a little
hand-to-gland combat.
524
00:19:55,324 --> 00:19:56,846
[chuckles]
525
00:19:56,978 --> 00:19:58,545
[crowd murmuring]
526
00:19:58,674 --> 00:20:00,460
Hey!
That's our lotion!
527
00:20:00,589 --> 00:20:02,330
Allison...
528
00:20:02,461 --> 00:20:03,897
Janney...
529
00:20:04,028 --> 00:20:06,682
SafeSearch off.
530
00:20:06,814 --> 00:20:09,076
[as Borat]
Mm, very nice!
531
00:20:09,208 --> 00:20:10,338
[normal voice]
All right.
532
00:20:10,470 --> 00:20:12,211
Let's dig on in down here
533
00:20:12,340 --> 00:20:14,951
and really show this little bastard who's boss.
534
00:20:15,997 --> 00:20:17,303
[zipper rasps, crowd gasps]
535
00:20:18,520 --> 00:20:20,435
-Oh, no!
-Not what we're here to see!
536
00:20:20,567 --> 00:20:22,307
WOMAN: What is this?!
537
00:20:22,438 --> 00:20:24,396
[tapping on mic,
feedback screeches]
538
00:20:24,527 --> 00:20:26,224
Ladies and gentlemen, clearly,
539
00:20:26,355 --> 00:20:28,488
Christmas at the Langley
has been ruined.
540
00:20:28,617 --> 00:20:31,577
There will be no holiday
celebration this year.
541
00:20:31,708 --> 00:20:34,102
May God have mercy on our souls.
542
00:20:34,232 --> 00:20:36,409
[vehicles whirring, beeping]
543
00:20:36,538 --> 00:20:38,801
They're taking it all down.
544
00:20:38,932 --> 00:20:40,413
[sighing] It's over.
545
00:20:40,542 --> 00:20:42,762
Sorry I ruined
our family's big day, Dad.
546
00:20:42,893 --> 00:20:44,373
Are you kidding me?
547
00:20:44,503 --> 00:20:46,201
This is the perfect day,
548
00:20:46,332 --> 00:20:49,464
the perfect start
to a perfect Christmas.
549
00:20:49,596 --> 00:20:54,730
♪ Ohh, ohhhhhh, oh♪
550
00:20:54,862 --> 00:20:56,342
♪♪
551
00:20:56,471 --> 00:20:59,039
♪ Rockin' around
the Christmas tree♪
552
00:20:59,170 --> 00:21:02,391
♪ At the Christmas party hop♪
553
00:21:02,521 --> 00:21:04,393
Bye!
Have a great time!
554
00:21:06,481 --> 00:21:08,396
--Captions by VITAC--
555
00:21:08,446 --> 00:21:12,996
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
38223
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Xhosa
