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1
00:00:02,269 --> 00:00:05,404
The perfect Thanksgiving
leftover sandwich...
2
00:00:05,406 --> 00:00:09,274
turkey, cranberry sauce, pumpkin pie,
3
00:00:09,276 --> 00:00:11,476
Tuttle's famous baba ghanoush,
4
00:00:11,478 --> 00:00:15,681
and a nice, big splash
of the after-dinner sambuca.
5
00:00:19,753 --> 00:00:22,554
Thanksgiving is over, Francine.
6
00:00:22,556 --> 00:00:24,623
We can't live in the past.
7
00:00:24,625 --> 00:00:28,761
The Christmas season has now begun.
8
00:00:28,763 --> 00:00:30,362
The Smiths have only ever had
9
00:00:30,364 --> 00:00:32,831
very bad, very weird Christmases.
10
00:00:32,833 --> 00:00:35,434
So this year,
it's imperative that we finally have
11
00:00:35,436 --> 00:00:38,470
the perfect Norman
Rockwell holiday season.
12
00:00:40,441 --> 00:00:42,307
Oh, no, no. Th-This isn't right at all.
13
00:00:42,309 --> 00:00:45,109
Hayley, why aren't your cheeks rosier?
14
00:00:45,111 --> 00:00:46,845
Hey, cut it out!
15
00:00:46,847 --> 00:00:50,783
And, Steve, this sweater is
supposed to warm my icy heart?
16
00:00:50,785 --> 00:00:54,119
It's one of those ironic
ugly Christmas sweaters, see?
17
00:00:54,121 --> 00:00:55,988
It's kitschy. It's fun.
18
00:00:55,990 --> 00:00:57,990
Well, excuse me, John Waters,
19
00:00:57,992 --> 00:01:01,059
but there's no room for irony
in our perfect Christmas.
20
00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:02,527
Geez, okay,
21
00:01:02,529 --> 00:01:04,128
I'll dig into my Jaclyn Smiths.
22
00:01:04,130 --> 00:01:05,930
Why aren't all your shoes on?
23
00:01:05,932 --> 00:01:07,599
We need to be heading out for
the Christmas tree lighting
24
00:01:07,601 --> 00:01:09,001
at the Langley in like two minutes!
25
00:01:09,003 --> 00:01:10,068
What's the Langley?
26
00:01:10,070 --> 00:01:11,670
Oh, my God, tell me you're kidding!
27
00:01:11,672 --> 00:01:13,738
I'm crawling into the goddamn fire.
28
00:01:13,740 --> 00:01:17,075
The Langley is the upscale
outdoor mall they built
29
00:01:17,077 --> 00:01:18,343
where the stupid old,
30
00:01:18,345 --> 00:01:21,213
eh, public library used to be.
31
00:01:21,215 --> 00:01:23,748
The Langley? Super swank.
32
00:01:23,750 --> 00:01:26,551
Victoria Beckham bought a condo there,
but has never visited.
33
00:01:26,553 --> 00:01:29,421
Klaus, why aren't you warming
up the car like I told you?
34
00:01:29,423 --> 00:01:32,024
I'm texting with my brother
from another mother Jurgen
35
00:01:32,026 --> 00:01:34,159
right now, and he's freaking out.
36
00:01:34,161 --> 00:01:36,228
Some blackmailers hacked his webcam,
37
00:01:36,230 --> 00:01:38,963
and he didn't pay up,
so they sent a video of him
38
00:01:38,965 --> 00:01:41,966
cranking it to his entire contact list.
39
00:01:41,968 --> 00:01:44,903
Now everyone's calling him
Jerkin' Jurgen.
40
00:01:44,905 --> 00:01:46,438
This is not appropriate
41
00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:48,240
Norman Rockwell-like Christmas talk.
42
00:01:48,242 --> 00:01:51,043
I saw that video,
and I think it's actually
43
00:01:51,045 --> 00:01:52,244
gonna be good for him.
44
00:01:52,246 --> 00:01:54,046
Dude's got a monster hog.
45
00:01:54,048 --> 00:01:56,849
Yeah, but he's got
those tiny little balls.
46
00:01:56,851 --> 00:01:58,783
Hey, I got time
to blast a shit real quick?
47
00:01:58,785 --> 00:02:00,118
Norman Rockwell!
48
00:02:08,735 --> 00:02:12,064
Now, tell me, does this place
do Christmas right or what?
49
00:02:12,066 --> 00:02:14,399
And look, they even have
an actual polar bear
50
00:02:14,401 --> 00:02:15,534
at Santa's workshop.
51
00:02:18,805 --> 00:02:22,207
But lest we forget,
who's that special man
52
00:02:22,209 --> 00:02:23,675
the good Lord sent to Earth?
53
00:02:23,677 --> 00:02:25,009
Who's the reason we have all this
54
00:02:25,011 --> 00:02:26,745
Christmas splendor to enjoy?
55
00:02:26,747 --> 00:02:30,082
Visionary mall developer Vic Mancuso.
56
00:02:30,084 --> 00:02:31,216
That's right.
57
00:02:31,218 --> 00:02:32,417
And there he is now!
58
00:02:33,687 --> 00:02:36,755
An angel of a man in front
of a behemoth of a tree.
59
00:02:38,211 --> 00:02:40,759
Norway spruce, 163 feet tall,
60
00:02:40,761 --> 00:02:44,829
secured in place by over
6,000 total feet of 200K-PSI
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00:02:44,831 --> 00:02:46,698
reinforced steel tension wire.
62
00:02:46,700 --> 00:02:47,900
How do you know all that?
63
00:02:47,902 --> 00:02:49,434
Just eyeballin' it.
64
00:02:49,436 --> 00:02:51,570
Well, since we seem to
have found our spot here,
65
00:02:51,572 --> 00:02:53,572
I just have a quick errand
I need to take care of.
66
00:02:53,574 --> 00:02:54,907
Yeah, you do.
67
00:02:54,909 --> 00:02:56,575
Getting hot chocolates
for the whole family.
68
00:02:56,577 --> 00:02:57,576
What?! No, I really...
69
00:02:57,578 --> 00:02:58,843
"No" nothing.
70
00:02:58,845 --> 00:03:01,780
Four piping-hot cocoas
to hold like this...
71
00:03:01,782 --> 00:03:02,881
Mmmmm.
72
00:03:04,585 --> 00:03:06,985
Ahh! Tastes like Christmas.
73
00:03:06,987 --> 00:03:08,587
Well, I was actually hoping to...
74
00:03:08,589 --> 00:03:09,722
Get some caramel corn?
75
00:03:09,724 --> 00:03:11,256
Great! 'Cause that's what you're doing.
76
00:03:11,258 --> 00:03:13,525
And, Francine,
you're going to Santa's workshop
77
00:03:13,527 --> 00:03:15,460
to ask the Santa there
if he'd like to join us
78
00:03:15,462 --> 00:03:16,861
to watch the tree lighting.
79
00:03:16,863 --> 00:03:19,398
Long shot, maybe, but what if...
if he says yes?
80
00:03:19,400 --> 00:03:20,933
- Listen, Stan...
- No, you listen!
81
00:03:20,935 --> 00:03:23,802
Today is the kickoff to the
entire Christmas season,
82
00:03:23,804 --> 00:03:26,605
and we only have one chance
to make it absolutely perfect.
83
00:03:26,607 --> 00:03:29,274
So could you slap-dicks
just do one thing each
84
00:03:29,276 --> 00:03:30,777
to help me make that happen?
85
00:03:30,914 --> 00:03:32,120
Now go!
86
00:03:34,281 --> 00:03:36,348
You are tough but fair, Stan.
87
00:03:36,350 --> 00:03:37,682
Shut up, you idiot.
88
00:03:37,684 --> 00:03:39,952
You made me forget my phone
in the car, you idiot.
89
00:03:39,954 --> 00:03:41,486
Again, so fair.
90
00:03:41,488 --> 00:03:44,222
Save our spot.
91
00:03:44,747 --> 00:03:46,959
You can count on me, Stan. Aah!
92
00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:54,666
5:55.
93
00:03:54,668 --> 00:03:56,535
Okay, should still make
it back in plenty of time
94
00:03:56,537 --> 00:03:59,070
to see the surviving members
of Big Bad Voodoo Daddy
95
00:03:59,072 --> 00:04:01,272
play "God Rest Ye Swingin' Gentlemen."
96
00:04:03,076 --> 00:04:04,109
Aah!
97
00:04:05,278 --> 00:04:06,411
Careful, there!
98
00:04:06,413 --> 00:04:08,347
I've heard of catching a train,
99
00:04:08,349 --> 00:04:10,281
but not with your teeth!
100
00:04:13,286 --> 00:04:14,753
Got a minute, handsome?
101
00:04:14,755 --> 00:04:17,823
What if I told you the
black mud of the Dead Sea
102
00:04:17,825 --> 00:04:20,225
can offer you hope in
your battle with rosacea?
103
00:04:20,227 --> 00:04:21,893
I don't have rosacea.
104
00:04:21,895 --> 00:04:24,229
And now I'm gonna touch the
small of your back like this.
105
00:04:24,231 --> 00:04:26,297
Does it make you feel
like you can trust me?
106
00:04:26,299 --> 00:04:28,167
So, this is what you had to do
107
00:04:28,169 --> 00:04:30,502
instead of spending Tree-
Lighting Day with your family?
108
00:04:30,504 --> 00:04:31,703
Oh, hey, Stan!
109
00:04:31,705 --> 00:04:34,039
Look, I'm sorry,
but I got to move a lot of cream
110
00:04:34,041 --> 00:04:35,174
to make my year-end quota.
111
00:04:35,176 --> 00:04:36,575
But don't worry, I'll get there.
112
00:04:36,577 --> 00:04:38,777
It's as simple as A-B-C...
113
00:04:38,779 --> 00:04:41,246
T-T-C-A-T-E-T-H-R.
114
00:04:41,248 --> 00:04:43,582
"Always Be Constantly
Touching the Customer,
115
00:04:43,584 --> 00:04:45,250
And Tell Everyone They Have Rosacea."
116
00:04:45,252 --> 00:04:46,785
Matter of fact,
have you ever thought about trying
117
00:04:46,787 --> 00:04:48,520
to address your skin condition?
118
00:04:48,522 --> 00:04:49,721
What skin condition?
119
00:04:49,723 --> 00:04:51,456
May I place my hand like this
120
00:04:51,458 --> 00:04:52,658
underneath your armpit?
121
00:04:52,660 --> 00:04:55,194
Our cream is fast-working
and totally natural.
122
00:04:55,196 --> 00:04:56,662
You could eat it if you wanted to.
123
00:04:56,664 --> 00:04:58,730
I'm munching on the
stuff all day myself.
124
00:04:58,732 --> 00:05:00,732
So, how many jars
can I put you down for,
125
00:05:00,734 --> 00:05:02,734
you crimson-faced monster?
126
00:05:02,736 --> 00:05:03,935
10, 9...
127
00:05:03,937 --> 00:05:05,070
- What?!
- ...8...
128
00:05:05,072 --> 00:05:06,538
- It's only 6:00!
- ...7, 6...
129
00:05:06,540 --> 00:05:08,673
I thought the actual
lighting wasn't till 7:00!
130
00:05:08,675 --> 00:05:11,810
...4, 3, 2, 1!
131
00:05:20,888 --> 00:05:22,621
I warned you this would happen!
132
00:05:22,623 --> 00:05:25,424
It was too big, I said! And too dry!
133
00:05:25,426 --> 00:05:27,426
I still think it could've gone okay!
134
00:05:31,632 --> 00:05:34,433
Maxon! For God's sake, Maxon, run!
135
00:05:34,435 --> 00:05:36,101
I swore an oath!
136
00:05:37,520 --> 00:05:38,520
Francine!
137
00:05:38,522 --> 00:05:40,522
Hayley! Steve!
138
00:05:40,524 --> 00:05:41,791
Maxon!
139
00:05:50,134 --> 00:05:51,333
Stop! Stop!
140
00:05:51,335 --> 00:05:54,470
Can't you see this man
needs top-dollar skincare?
141
00:05:54,472 --> 00:05:56,137
Don't worry, this borage oil scrub
142
00:05:56,139 --> 00:05:58,073
both exfoliates and rejuvenates.
143
00:05:58,860 --> 00:06:01,010
Hm. A lot of your skin
is just comin' right off.
144
00:06:03,347 --> 00:06:06,682
Okay, Deganyah,
this might be your toughest sale ever.
145
00:06:07,084 --> 00:06:08,152
What if...
146
00:06:12,023 --> 00:06:14,490
They're all... dead.
147
00:06:20,779 --> 00:06:22,879
_
148
00:06:22,900 --> 00:06:24,366
Come on, Mr. S.
149
00:06:24,368 --> 00:06:27,236
Maybe opening presents
will make us feel better.
150
00:06:27,238 --> 00:06:28,437
How?
151
00:06:28,439 --> 00:06:31,106
I can never have the only
thing I really want...
152
00:06:31,108 --> 00:06:32,307
my family.
153
00:06:32,309 --> 00:06:34,976
All I have left of them
is what the rescue workers
154
00:06:34,978 --> 00:06:36,646
managed to find among the wreckage.
155
00:06:36,648 --> 00:06:38,648
Steve's glasses.
156
00:06:38,650 --> 00:06:40,449
Hayley's headband.
157
00:06:40,451 --> 00:06:43,519
Francine's famous no-show socks.
158
00:06:43,521 --> 00:06:45,787
It was supposed to be a perfect day,
159
00:06:45,789 --> 00:06:47,322
but it ended up going so wrong
160
00:06:47,324 --> 00:06:51,660
that it now ranks among some of
the very worst days of my life.
161
00:06:51,662 --> 00:06:53,262
I'm so sorry, Mr. S.
162
00:06:53,264 --> 00:06:54,663
Spare me!
163
00:06:54,665 --> 00:06:56,932
You have no idea what it
feels like to lose a wife.
164
00:06:56,934 --> 00:06:59,068
I... I lost Hayley.
165
00:06:59,070 --> 00:07:01,136
My Hayley!
166
00:07:01,138 --> 00:07:03,939
She died never finding happiness!
167
00:07:05,743 --> 00:07:08,678
Mr. S., you haven't eaten in days.
168
00:07:08,680 --> 00:07:10,812
At least have a fortune cookie.
169
00:07:10,814 --> 00:07:13,349
Fine. If you'll leave me alone.
170
00:07:13,351 --> 00:07:15,617
Merry Christmas, Mr. S.
171
00:07:15,619 --> 00:07:17,753
Merry Christmas.
172
00:07:21,092 --> 00:07:24,760
"You can make right
what once went wrong."
173
00:07:28,632 --> 00:07:30,299
Aah!
174
00:07:30,301 --> 00:07:31,433
Careful, there!
175
00:07:31,435 --> 00:07:33,835
I've heard of catching a train,
176
00:07:33,837 --> 00:07:35,571
but not with your teeth!
177
00:07:37,708 --> 00:07:38,840
What the...?!
178
00:07:38,842 --> 00:07:40,642
I'm back.
179
00:07:40,644 --> 00:07:41,843
I'm back!
180
00:07:41,845 --> 00:07:44,646
And I'm back, too, baby!
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00:07:44,648 --> 00:07:45,981
Guess who just got approved
182
00:07:45,983 --> 00:07:48,650
for a Banana Republic credit card
183
00:07:48,652 --> 00:07:50,720
despite three bankruptcies!
184
00:07:50,722 --> 00:07:52,454
Ba-boom!
185
00:07:52,456 --> 00:07:53,940
W-W-Whoo, whoo, whoo!
186
00:07:58,228 --> 00:07:59,761
How can this be?
187
00:07:59,763 --> 00:08:01,229
Am I dreaming?
188
00:08:01,231 --> 00:08:02,898
5:55.
189
00:08:02,900 --> 00:08:04,833
Got a minute, handsome?
190
00:08:04,835 --> 00:08:06,835
What if I told you the black mud...
191
00:08:06,837 --> 00:08:08,170
- Roger!
- Oh, hey, Stan.
192
00:08:08,172 --> 00:08:09,371
What the hell is happening?
193
00:08:09,373 --> 00:08:10,639
In a word... rosacea.
194
00:08:10,641 --> 00:08:12,975
It is a red tide on your face,
my friend.
195
00:08:12,977 --> 00:08:15,711
One minute ago,
I was on the couch, and then...
196
00:08:15,713 --> 00:08:17,579
Now, your girlfriend
must complain to you
197
00:08:17,581 --> 00:08:19,782
about your rough, bumpy skin, yes?
198
00:08:19,784 --> 00:08:21,383
When she's close like this?
199
00:08:21,385 --> 00:08:24,252
"You can make right
what once went wrong."
200
00:08:24,254 --> 00:08:26,522
I'm being given a chance
to save my family!
201
00:08:26,524 --> 00:08:29,792
You're being given a chance
to save your nasty-ass skin
202
00:08:29,794 --> 00:08:32,260
with our jojoba-infused mud mask.
203
00:08:32,262 --> 00:08:34,997
Hot chocolate, popcorn,
Santa's workshop.
204
00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:37,466
Jojoba!
205
00:08:37,769 --> 00:08:40,669
They don't make words like that anymore.
206
00:08:40,671 --> 00:08:42,538
Steve! Steve!
207
00:08:42,540 --> 00:08:44,140
Where is he? I need to get moving.
208
00:08:44,142 --> 00:08:46,608
Time is running out.
Barista, urgent question...
209
00:08:46,610 --> 00:08:48,010
What is a hug mug?
210
00:08:48,012 --> 00:08:50,746
It's a cozy,
rounded mug you hold like this,
211
00:08:50,748 --> 00:08:52,014
with two hands!
212
00:08:52,016 --> 00:08:54,282
Okay, lay one on me.
But I'm in a serious hurry,
213
00:08:54,284 --> 00:08:55,751
so let's put a rush on that, sister.
214
00:09:01,091 --> 00:09:02,158
What have I done?
215
00:09:02,160 --> 00:09:03,926
I've wasted my chance!
216
00:09:09,224 --> 00:09:11,500
Aah!
217
00:09:11,502 --> 00:09:12,634
Careful, there!
218
00:09:12,636 --> 00:09:14,837
I've heard of catching a train,
219
00:09:14,839 --> 00:09:16,705
but not with your teeth!
220
00:09:18,308 --> 00:09:20,709
I'm alive! And I'm back again!
221
00:09:20,711 --> 00:09:22,444
Okay, I'll get Francine and Hayley.
222
00:09:22,446 --> 00:09:23,846
Maybe they know where Steve is.
223
00:09:23,848 --> 00:09:25,781
There's not one second to spare.
224
00:09:25,783 --> 00:09:27,783
One large hug mug, name Big Stanno.
225
00:09:27,785 --> 00:09:30,419
I'll swing back to pick it
up after I collect my family!
226
00:09:31,856 --> 00:09:32,921
Hayley!
227
00:09:32,923 --> 00:09:34,322
Baby girl!
228
00:09:34,324 --> 00:09:35,658
Oh, sorry.
229
00:09:36,594 --> 00:09:38,994
You might want to talk
to my friend Daganyah...
230
00:09:38,996 --> 00:09:40,596
kiosk in front of the H&M.
231
00:09:41,932 --> 00:09:44,933
And no Francine either!
Where the hell could they be?
232
00:09:46,937 --> 00:09:48,537
Pleasure doing business with you.
233
00:09:48,539 --> 00:09:50,806
There was a time the word
"genius" was reserved
234
00:09:50,808 --> 00:09:52,541
for the likes of Isaac Newton
235
00:09:52,543 --> 00:09:54,676
and Zach Braff.
236
00:09:54,678 --> 00:09:57,279
Steve! My beautiful baby boy!
237
00:09:57,281 --> 00:09:59,347
Is it... Is it really you?
238
00:09:59,349 --> 00:10:00,682
Yeah?
239
00:10:00,684 --> 00:10:02,818
Oh, Steve, let's never fight again.
240
00:10:02,820 --> 00:10:04,486
After you tell me why
the hell you aren't
241
00:10:04,488 --> 00:10:05,821
getting us our hot chocolates!
242
00:10:05,823 --> 00:10:07,756
- And where's your mom and Hayley?
- I don't know!
243
00:10:07,758 --> 00:10:10,226
Okay, okay. I know where you are now.
244
00:10:11,429 --> 00:10:13,896
Aah! I never picked up my hug mug.
245
00:10:14,871 --> 00:10:16,765
Aah!
246
00:10:16,767 --> 00:10:17,900
Careful there!
247
00:10:17,902 --> 00:10:20,102
I've heard of catching a train,
but not with your teeth.
248
00:10:20,104 --> 00:10:21,237
Boop!
249
00:10:22,907 --> 00:10:24,172
Hayley? Francine?
250
00:10:27,541 --> 00:10:28,644
Aah!
251
00:10:28,646 --> 00:10:30,279
Hayley? Francine?
252
00:10:31,579 --> 00:10:32,581
Aah!
253
00:10:32,583 --> 00:10:33,849
Hayley? Francine?
254
00:10:36,454 --> 00:10:37,553
Hayley!
255
00:10:39,123 --> 00:10:40,923
Where's our caramel corn?
256
00:10:40,925 --> 00:10:42,792
And where the hell is your mother?
257
00:10:44,595 --> 00:10:48,063
You do rinse these things off
between each customer, right?
258
00:10:48,065 --> 00:10:51,267
Eh, if they get too bloody,
I give 'em a little lick.
259
00:10:51,269 --> 00:10:52,601
Here comes the poke!
260
00:10:52,603 --> 00:10:55,271
- Francine!
- Alright, Stan.
261
00:10:55,273 --> 00:10:57,339
You caught me. Fun's over.
262
00:10:57,341 --> 00:10:59,541
Psh-yeah, right.
The fun is just beginning!
263
00:10:59,543 --> 00:11:01,209
The fun of me yelling at you!
264
00:11:01,211 --> 00:11:02,945
Why is no one doing the Christmas chores
265
00:11:02,947 --> 00:11:04,146
we all agreed to?
266
00:11:04,148 --> 00:11:05,681
We didn't agree to anything!
267
00:11:05,683 --> 00:11:08,684
You've just been bossing us
around all day like a big jerk,
268
00:11:08,686 --> 00:11:12,220
so we decided to do some
stuff we wanted to do instead.
269
00:11:12,222 --> 00:11:14,090
And what you wanted to
do was turn yourself
270
00:11:14,092 --> 00:11:16,558
into some kind of Sideshow Susan,
271
00:11:16,560 --> 00:11:18,294
Lady of Many Holes?
272
00:11:18,296 --> 00:11:19,762
Oh, relax, Stan.
273
00:11:19,764 --> 00:11:21,830
I enjoy getting pierced, okay?
274
00:11:21,832 --> 00:11:25,233
I do it all the time and then
just let the holes close up.
275
00:11:25,235 --> 00:11:27,103
Except for the ones that don't.
276
00:11:27,105 --> 00:11:28,236
In the right breeze,
277
00:11:28,238 --> 00:11:31,239
my nipples can whistle "Camptown Races."
278
00:11:31,241 --> 00:11:33,842
And as everybody knows,
my interest in basketball
279
00:11:33,844 --> 00:11:35,844
has just gone into hyperdrive lately.
280
00:11:35,846 --> 00:11:37,913
I'm very disappointed
in the both of you.
281
00:11:37,915 --> 00:11:41,117
I'm gonna go shoot the shit
with Maxon till the fire comes.
282
00:11:47,855 --> 00:11:49,057
Aah!
283
00:11:49,059 --> 00:11:50,392
They're way too spread-out for me
284
00:11:50,394 --> 00:11:52,394
to be able to get them all out in time.
285
00:11:52,396 --> 00:11:54,997
I'll have to somehow
stop the disaster itself
286
00:11:54,999 --> 00:11:56,365
from ever happening.
287
00:11:58,136 --> 00:12:01,137
Mr. Mancuso, my liege,
in your infinite wisdom,
288
00:12:01,139 --> 00:12:03,405
I implore you to call off the lighting.
289
00:12:03,407 --> 00:12:05,141
Countless lives are at stake!
290
00:12:05,143 --> 00:12:06,675
Activate the snipers.
291
00:12:09,147 --> 00:12:11,880
- _
- Mancuso, you've done it again.
292
00:12:14,309 --> 00:12:16,284
Aah!
293
00:12:16,286 --> 00:12:17,553
Careful, there!
294
00:12:17,555 --> 00:12:19,155
- I've...
- Janitor! You have to help me.
295
00:12:19,157 --> 00:12:20,556
I need to find the main circuit breaker
296
00:12:20,558 --> 00:12:22,491
so I can cut power to the entire mall.
297
00:12:22,493 --> 00:12:23,826
Easy, buddy. Nice and...
298
00:12:23,828 --> 00:12:25,561
Please, Janitor, we have to hurry.
299
00:12:25,563 --> 00:12:27,563
Well, I'm already in a hurry.
300
00:12:27,565 --> 00:12:29,832
It's my wife Daisy's birthday tomorrow,
301
00:12:29,834 --> 00:12:32,300
and if I don't get her some
of those chocolate bonbons
302
00:12:32,302 --> 00:12:33,836
she loves, I'm gonna be pulling
303
00:12:33,838 --> 00:12:36,638
rolling-pin splinters
out of my backside.
304
00:12:37,908 --> 00:12:39,842
Janitors can get married?
305
00:12:41,855 --> 00:12:43,645
Aah!
306
00:12:43,647 --> 00:12:45,181
Listen! How could I know all this?
307
00:12:45,183 --> 00:12:47,649
Your wife's name is Daisy.
It's her birthday tomorrow.
308
00:12:47,651 --> 00:12:48,851
She loves chocolate bonbons...
309
00:12:48,853 --> 00:12:50,252
You been [BLEEP] my wife?!
310
00:12:51,242 --> 00:12:53,255
I'll kill you, you son of a bitch!
311
00:12:54,504 --> 00:12:57,181
Stop it! You've gone mad with rosacea!
312
00:12:57,809 --> 00:12:59,395
Aah!
313
00:12:59,397 --> 00:13:01,663
Look, I know this sounds crazy,
314
00:13:01,665 --> 00:13:03,532
but I'm in some kind of time loop.
315
00:13:03,534 --> 00:13:05,201
Say no more! What do you need?
316
00:13:05,203 --> 00:13:08,404
To... get to the main circuit breaker.
317
00:13:08,406 --> 00:13:09,605
Gotcha.
318
00:13:09,607 --> 00:13:11,673
These are the blueprints
to the whole mall.
319
00:13:11,675 --> 00:13:12,808
Now, how long's your loop?
320
00:13:12,810 --> 00:13:14,677
Uh, I... five minutes? Uh...
321
00:13:15,630 --> 00:13:16,745
Gonna be tight.
322
00:13:16,747 --> 00:13:18,280
We can find you a path there,
323
00:13:18,282 --> 00:13:20,416
but you're gonna have to do...
324
00:13:20,418 --> 00:13:22,684
The perfect five minutes.
325
00:13:24,365 --> 00:13:26,154
Aah!
326
00:13:26,156 --> 00:13:27,355
Slow down!
327
00:13:27,357 --> 00:13:30,026
What are you,
in a damn time loop or something?!
328
00:13:53,383 --> 00:13:55,718
- Hi! Can I...
- There's no time!
329
00:13:55,720 --> 00:13:57,453
Sweat-wicking Nulux leggings
330
00:13:57,455 --> 00:13:59,722
for optimally reduced wind resistance.
331
00:14:06,597 --> 00:14:08,597
Order for Big Stanno.
332
00:14:14,115 --> 00:14:15,137
Aah!
333
00:14:16,206 --> 00:14:17,539
No hot chocolate this time
334
00:14:17,541 --> 00:14:19,075
unless I save my family.
335
00:14:19,077 --> 00:14:20,443
That will be my reward.
336
00:14:22,012 --> 00:14:23,048
Can I help y...
337
00:14:23,147 --> 00:14:26,431
10, 9, 8, 7,
338
00:14:26,466 --> 00:14:28,951
6, 5, 4,
339
00:14:28,953 --> 00:14:32,088
3, 2, 1!
340
00:14:40,098 --> 00:14:42,732
Anyone want a hit of this skin cream?
341
00:14:44,568 --> 00:14:46,168
I did it.
342
00:14:46,170 --> 00:14:47,369
They're gonna live.
343
00:14:47,371 --> 00:14:49,371
I warned you this would happen!
344
00:14:49,373 --> 00:14:51,573
The power's gonna go out, I said!
345
00:14:51,575 --> 00:14:54,310
No tree makes a fool of Vic Mancuso!
346
00:15:11,929 --> 00:15:12,996
Mm?
347
00:15:23,741 --> 00:15:25,207
I got this.
348
00:15:25,209 --> 00:15:26,242
I got this.
349
00:15:27,345 --> 00:15:29,611
May I place my hand
underneath your armpit?
350
00:15:38,161 --> 00:15:39,688
Aah!
351
00:15:39,690 --> 00:15:40,889
Careful, there!
352
00:15:40,891 --> 00:15:42,358
How do I make it stop?!
353
00:15:42,360 --> 00:15:44,160
Nothing I do matters!
354
00:15:44,162 --> 00:15:46,628
I just want to die and stay dead!
355
00:15:46,630 --> 00:15:47,896
Whoooa, now!
356
00:15:47,898 --> 00:15:51,633
Sounds like someone's got a
case of the time-loop blues.
357
00:15:51,635 --> 00:15:55,303
"You can make right
what once went wrong."
358
00:15:55,305 --> 00:15:56,438
But I can't!
359
00:15:56,440 --> 00:15:59,375
No matter what I do or
how perfectly I do it,
360
00:15:59,377 --> 00:16:00,977
they always still die!
361
00:16:00,979 --> 00:16:02,978
The cookie's bullshit, Janitor!
362
00:16:02,980 --> 00:16:06,382
Well, maybe what you can "make right"
363
00:16:06,384 --> 00:16:07,983
isn't the disaster,
364
00:16:07,985 --> 00:16:10,652
but the way you treated your family?
365
00:16:10,654 --> 00:16:12,054
How? I only have
366
00:16:12,056 --> 00:16:14,991
these same 5 measly minutes
over and over again.
367
00:16:14,993 --> 00:16:16,592
Not over and over.
368
00:16:16,594 --> 00:16:18,794
See the lucky numbers
here on your fortune?
369
00:16:18,796 --> 00:16:21,197
Classic time-loop countdown.
370
00:16:21,199 --> 00:16:23,799
I'd say you only got three loops left.
371
00:16:24,486 --> 00:16:25,522
Wow.
372
00:16:25,557 --> 00:16:28,170
You are the wisest
janitor I've ever met.
373
00:16:28,222 --> 00:16:30,756
Well, next to the one at
Arby's who told me to check out
374
00:16:30,758 --> 00:16:32,357
"The Bastard Executioner."
375
00:16:32,359 --> 00:16:34,026
It did not disappoint.
376
00:16:34,028 --> 00:16:36,061
I watched the whole thing like this.
377
00:16:37,565 --> 00:16:38,964
Anyway...
378
00:16:38,966 --> 00:16:41,233
You can either waste your last few loops
379
00:16:41,235 --> 00:16:44,302
running around trying
to save your family,
380
00:16:44,304 --> 00:16:46,772
or you can spend them being with them.
381
00:16:46,774 --> 00:16:48,306
Your choice.
382
00:16:48,308 --> 00:16:50,175
Yep, they ain't ever easy,
383
00:16:50,177 --> 00:16:52,444
these magical time-loop situations.
384
00:16:52,446 --> 00:16:55,046
Body-switching vice-versas, same thing.
385
00:16:55,048 --> 00:16:57,382
I-I'm in one right now, matter of fact.
386
00:16:57,384 --> 00:16:59,918
I'm actually a little boy.
387
00:16:59,920 --> 00:17:01,519
That explains why you kept telling me
388
00:17:01,521 --> 00:17:03,455
how strong your dad was earlier.
389
00:17:03,457 --> 00:17:05,523
Which I still don't believe.
390
00:17:13,401 --> 00:17:15,133
So, let me get this straight.
391
00:17:15,135 --> 00:17:17,402
You're in a body-swap situation,
392
00:17:17,404 --> 00:17:19,805
and you're actually an 85-year-old
393
00:17:19,807 --> 00:17:21,473
French-Canadian bus driver?
394
00:17:21,475 --> 00:17:24,542
- Francine?
- Alright, Stan.
395
00:17:24,544 --> 00:17:25,744
You caught me.
396
00:17:25,746 --> 00:17:28,146
I'll head over to Santa's
workshop like you wanted.
397
00:17:28,148 --> 00:17:31,683
No! We're gonna do something
you want to do now.
398
00:17:31,685 --> 00:17:34,286
Garçon, give us both the works.
399
00:17:36,223 --> 00:17:38,756
I was so hung up on
making this a perfect day
400
00:17:38,758 --> 00:17:39,860
for the family...
401
00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:41,493
...that I lost sight of the fact that...
402
00:17:41,495 --> 00:17:42,694
Aah!
403
00:17:42,696 --> 00:17:44,362
...the day was already
perfect because...
404
00:17:44,364 --> 00:17:46,031
Mother[BLEEP]!
405
00:17:46,033 --> 00:17:47,433
...I was with my family.
406
00:17:47,435 --> 00:17:49,167
And I'm sorry for that.
407
00:17:49,169 --> 00:17:50,568
Oh, Stan!
408
00:17:50,570 --> 00:17:52,037
I'd kiss you if this chain
409
00:17:52,039 --> 00:17:54,906
weren't connecting my upper
lip to my belly button.
410
00:17:54,908 --> 00:17:57,309
I'm just glad we got to spend
some time together before
411
00:17:57,311 --> 00:18:00,512
we're consumed by a
bone-melting tsunami of fire.
412
00:18:00,514 --> 00:18:01,913
Aw, me too.
413
00:18:02,106 --> 00:18:03,515
Wait, what?!
414
00:18:04,985 --> 00:18:07,519
Do you have any balls
that feature Tweety Bird
415
00:18:07,521 --> 00:18:09,121
dressed up all street?
416
00:18:09,123 --> 00:18:10,522
Think fast!
417
00:18:10,524 --> 00:18:12,858
How about a little
one-on-one with your old man?
418
00:18:12,860 --> 00:18:13,992
Best to 11.
419
00:18:13,994 --> 00:18:15,593
Or whoever's ahead when we die.
420
00:18:15,595 --> 00:18:16,728
I'd like that.
421
00:18:16,730 --> 00:18:18,730
- Ohh!
- My ball!
422
00:18:18,732 --> 00:18:20,198
Michael Jordan!
423
00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:21,333
Larry Bird!
424
00:18:21,335 --> 00:18:24,402
- "Air Bud"!
- "Air Bud 2: Golden Receiver"!
425
00:18:24,404 --> 00:18:25,803
"For the Love of Benji"!
426
00:18:25,805 --> 00:18:27,139
"Turner and Hooch"!
427
00:18:27,141 --> 00:18:28,340
"Dog Day Afternoon"!
428
00:18:28,342 --> 00:18:31,076
"Beverly Hills Chihuahua"!
429
00:18:33,347 --> 00:18:36,014
That was a lot of fun. Thanks, Dad.
430
00:18:37,151 --> 00:18:39,151
And here comes the fireball.
431
00:18:40,954 --> 00:18:43,621
Let's just get this over with, shall we?
432
00:18:43,623 --> 00:18:46,892
Steve!
My first and now certainly only son!
433
00:18:46,894 --> 00:18:48,360
Let's bond.
434
00:18:48,362 --> 00:18:50,028
Uh, I'm kind of in the middle
of something right now.
435
00:18:50,030 --> 00:18:52,030
Okay, you're here. You love tech.
436
00:18:52,032 --> 00:18:53,431
Let's play computer together!
437
00:18:53,433 --> 00:18:55,633
Any of these things do
"Leisure Suit Larry"?
438
00:18:55,635 --> 00:18:56,835
Um, who is this guy?
439
00:18:56,837 --> 00:18:58,436
Don't worry about it, jerk.
440
00:18:58,438 --> 00:19:01,039
Who do you have such a
contentious relationship
441
00:19:01,041 --> 00:19:02,908
with this simple, hardworking genius?
442
00:19:02,910 --> 00:19:05,377
Because this genius hacked my computer,
443
00:19:05,379 --> 00:19:06,845
and if I don't pay him off right now,
444
00:19:06,847 --> 00:19:09,447
he's gonna put out a video
of me whacking it, okay?!
445
00:19:11,051 --> 00:19:13,385
I said come alone. Deal's off.
446
00:19:15,389 --> 00:19:16,922
Ugh, what a day!
447
00:19:18,125 --> 00:19:19,391
Time to relax
448
00:19:19,393 --> 00:19:21,727
with a little hand-to-gland combat.
449
00:19:24,998 --> 00:19:26,798
Hey! That's our lotion!
450
00:19:26,800 --> 00:19:28,600
Allison...
451
00:19:28,602 --> 00:19:29,935
Janney...
452
00:19:29,937 --> 00:19:32,738
SafeSearch off.
453
00:19:32,740 --> 00:19:34,940
Mm, very nice!
454
00:19:34,942 --> 00:19:36,608
Alright.
455
00:19:36,610 --> 00:19:38,009
Let's dig on in down here
456
00:19:38,011 --> 00:19:40,879
and really show this
little bastard who's boss.
457
00:19:44,352 --> 00:19:46,418
- Oh, no!
- Not what we're here to see!
458
00:19:46,420 --> 00:19:47,819
What is this?!
459
00:19:49,823 --> 00:19:51,757
Ladies and gentlemen, clearly,
460
00:19:51,759 --> 00:19:54,092
Christmas at the
Langley has been ruined.
461
00:19:54,094 --> 00:19:57,295
There will be no holiday
celebration this year.
462
00:19:57,297 --> 00:19:59,365
May God have mercy on our souls.
463
00:20:02,169 --> 00:20:04,102
They're taking it all down.
464
00:20:04,104 --> 00:20:05,371
It's over.
465
00:20:05,373 --> 00:20:08,039
Sorry I ruined our family's
big day, Dad.
466
00:20:08,041 --> 00:20:09,507
Are you kidding me?
467
00:20:09,509 --> 00:20:11,243
This is the perfect day,
468
00:20:11,245 --> 00:20:14,380
The perfect start to
a perfect Christmas.
469
00:20:14,382 --> 00:20:19,585
♪ Ohh, ohhhhhh, oh ♪
470
00:20:21,054 --> 00:20:23,922
♪ Rockin' around the Christmas tree ♪
471
00:20:23,924 --> 00:20:26,925
♪ At the Christmas party hop ♪
472
00:20:26,927 --> 00:20:28,961
Bye! Have a great time!
473
00:20:31,064 --> 00:20:32,731
- synced and corrected by sot26 -
www.addic7ed.com
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