Original subtitles

Oh, get outta here!

That's it!

Good...

Check this out!

My precious little angels!

You be very careful!

Listen, daddy's leaving, all right?

You be good now and listen to mommy, all right?

-Where's my brother? -I'm right here.

Well, come on, already!

What the hell's wrong with it? I just fixed it!

Press harder.

When do we start painting it over?

Screw the paint job, I need to get air conditioning first.

-Well, you need to buy it first. -I will, when I get back.

-Bye, mommy, I love you. -Text me when you get there.

Don't worry.

Position two, batting.

Position one, the normal way, never!

Always position two. Because on position one, the cat gets out.

-You got that? -Yes.

Run a test, let me see you.

That's it! Never position one, go position two!

-Mrs. Gina? -Yes.

You never open the window again.

Yes.

Listen, daddy's leaving, but he's going to miss you, all right?

I'll bring you something pretty.

And you won't be here alone, all right?

You'll be left with Mrs. Gina, all right?

Yes...

That's right, baby.

Edi, love, tell me again.

Which bowl's for the water and which one is for the food?

-Whichever you want. -All right.

Stefan, get into the car this instant!

I won't leave without Umi.

I thought I was crystal clear. I will not haul the animal around!

Stefan, please get on the car.

You're the one who spoiled him like this.

Oh, all right, I'll go get it.

Call your mom, ask her to throw it out the window for you.

Want me to wake the whole building up at this hour?

But we're clear on this: I will not haul it around for you.

You'll carry it yourself, all right?

To the airport.

Dear, leave the damn computer already or you'll lose the plane!

OK, bye-bye.

See you.

Well, don't I get to see you off?

You know I hate farewells. I'll be back in a week.

Oh, come on, Miha. What the hell, are we kids here, or what?

I'll call you when I get there. Come on, please, bye.

Miha...

Enough already.

I'll call you when I get there. Bye.

Come on, already!

You guys are nuts?

What's with the animal, Titi?

It's Umi, he won't sleep without it, there's nothing I can do about it.

-Want some water? -Yes.

I called everyone. Nela's the only one who didn't answer.

What's up with you, dude? Only brought along spare underwear?

I lost it.

What did you lose?

The luggage.

Where?

I don't know.

Think back. Was it at home, on the bus, where?

-I don't know. -Cristi, do you have your passport?

I don't know.

It's here.

This stays with me.

We're the last ones to arrive again.

-Hello, there, Godmother! -There goes the Dynamite Duo.

-Long live the Godfather! -Come on, come on already.

-Hey. -Hey.

-Y'all got your passports? -Got 'em.

Yo, old man... I heard you're going to be traveling by plane.

Who told you?

Good one. Brilliant one. Let's go.

Everyone, let's check in. Grab that luggage.

-What about Nela? -We'll wait for her inside!

That is one big plane. Do you like it?

Fane, I swear, this sun is shining right down on me. I don't stand a chance.

He can go on the plane, too. What the hell?

Princess, those are some glasses you've got on.

You worried your fans are going to recognize you?

No, honey, I'm just ashamed with you lot.

Oh, man, my heart stings.

Well, if that's the case, I'm the one who ought to be ashamed,

because people know me.

I'm the only one in this joint who's made a commercial.

Like hell they know you.

You got lucky with the cat, that's why they chose you.

What are you laughing at?

Yo, Cristi, come on already.

Cristi, come on.

Come on, Cristi, what the hell are you doing?

I can't. I was up all night watching airline disasters.

I really can't do it.

Come on, Cristi, it's easy. Come on, please.

Listen, I'll hold your hand, all right? We'll go together.

Cristi, come on. Let go of the ...

Come on, we'll go together. Just a few more steps and that's it.

-No, I can't do it. I'm scared. -Cristi, come on.

I'm asking you nicely, all right. Don't do it for me.

-Cristi? -Yes?

We're representing Romania.

Please, I'm asking you nicely, don't pull this stunt on me now.

Boss, this guy's having a panic attack. I don't think he's going to board.

Mom, if the plane has an attack does that mean we won't leave anymore?

-Get your kid and board the plane. -Let's call a shrink.

Get on the damned plane already!

Well, why? The shrink thing might actually work.

Hi, I've got this friend who's having a panic attack

and won't board the plane, what am I supposed to do?

I've already drunk a whole bottle.

Anybody got some Xanax?

-Xanax? -Y'all got Xanax?

-I'll go ask around on the plane. -Thank you.

Cristi, honey, look at me.

You know I'm a believer and I fast all the time and I go to church.

Before we left, I said a special prayer. "The Travelers' Prayer".

The priest blessed us all and is praying for us right now.

Cristi, nothing wrong's going to happen to us, don't you get it?!

Are y'all sure you want to give him Xanax with whiskey?

He can black out, full on amnesia.

Give him the Xanax.

That's it.

Son, this is your chance to act abroad.

Think about how many actors dream of getting there.

This is a once in a lifetime opportunity. Cristi, come on, focus.

All right, that's it. Way to go, nice going, Titi.

Cristi. Focus on mine.

Do you know how much I sacrificed so we could all leave?

Mr. Director...

This is not about me, it's not about you either. Think of your friends.

Everyone's depending on you now.

We're a team.

A team! Get on that plane.

I've already called an ambulance. The plane needs to take off.

Are you getting on board or are you staying?

C'mon, get your bag and let's go.

Mom, look!

Stefan, you stay right here!

Yo, what's up, lovely?

Yo, did you see that. Animals can sense good people.

What's up with you, good lookin'?

-You're so modest! -What are you doing, daddy?

Doina, will you help me out?

You got food in your luggage?

Yeah, of course.

-Didn't you know that's not allowed? -No.

Did you declare that you have food in your luggage?

No.

Well, why didn't you declare it, you idiot?

I did what you did.

Well, I said I didn't have any food because I don't have any food.

Do you see what he's doing, man?

He's throwing all my food in the trash.

Ask him if I can eat it here, please.

Baldy, do you hear me? Translate that for him.

Ask him if I can eat my food here.

-Don't worry, I'll help you out. -Thanks.

Brilliant, as usual.

-I want some, too. -Sure, sonny, have some.

The Goddaughter made them.

Let me have one, too.

-No... -What do meatballs go with best?

Pickled cucumbers!

-Madam, do you want? -Yes.

Have some bread.

Boss, do you know what I have for you?

Sarmalute (stuffed cabbage rolls)!

Sandu, forgive me! I have to try some...

Can't wait to see you in a bowtie. Man, I'll be laughing my heart out.

It's easy to be a director like this.

You just stand on the sidelines, yell, tell people what to do.

But wait till I see you this time.

Run the planks with me right there,

looking you dead in the eye, out in the lion pit.

Buddy, you take a good look at me.

Give me three days and I'll knock you out.

I will be knocking your socks off.

You'll be the best, right after me.

And now, the star of the day.

Whoever guesses what it is, gets two pieces.

Cheese pies!

Who told you?

Oh, screw my diet!

I'm immensely happy I managed to fly you in earlier,

so you can get to see New York!

I would like to thank Mrs. Lidia Popescu.

I know how much effort she put in so we can get here, to New York.

Now, now, it wasn't really like that.

You all simply deserve to be here and I'm happy to have you here.

And I also have some surprises for you.

Monica, let me have that schedule for a second, please.

I thought of taking you to see the Statue of Liberty tomorrow.

Is that OK?

-Well, of course it is... -That's why he came here.

And, in the evening, we're all invited to an exhibition opening,

where there's...

The day after tomorrow

I thought it might be a good idea to visit the Metropolitan Museum.

And after that, I don't know...

Just a second, excuse me.

See that, Baldy?

Big ass consulate and they don't have air conditioning.

You said I was the only idiot who didn't have any.

And I'm an even bigger idiot, 'cause I gave you the money to buy A/C

and you up and got yourself another stove.

-What are you going to do with two? -Well, isn't my Magda worth another one?

You saw how good the food was.

Monica, please hand them those envelopes.

There's a symbolic daily allowance in there for you.

-Thank you! -And now I'll no longer keep you.

You must be anxious to see the city, right?

Sandu, please stay on, I do miss a bit of gossiping.

We'll run through the lot of them. Hold on a second.

Kids. I would like your attention for a second. Nela!

There's something I would like to ask of you.

Make sure that they don't scatter about, that they don't get lost.

Be back by 11, tops!

Tomorrow, at ten AM sharp, we'll be rehearsing here, in the lobby.

Come on, let's go back to that Vietnamese joint on the corner. What the hell?

I ain't eating no bugs and worms!

Let's find a fast food restaurant!

I didn't travel for 8,000 kilometers

to eat at McDonald's or have bugs, all right?

Let's find that Romanian restaurant.

We know what they serve there and we're all going to like it.

Hold on a second! Sunny Side, 4345.

Mom, look, there's the Romanian flag.

Hey, there it is...

Well done, kid!

Who's this gentleman?

Sammy, chill out. So what if the Maestro missed his flight?

We'll hand the peasants back their money and that'll be the end of that!

Yeah, man, easy for you to talk. You've have a full house.

How am I supposed to pay them back?

Man, I'll call those guys, Codarca.

They can play for you till the wee hours of the morning.

Let me see if they don't have a christening lined up.

Pops, chill. These folks paid to see Piersic, not Codarca.

You're going to have to put a rush on that order

because the show's about to start and we're going to stop serving.

Well, we know what we want.

Go ahead.

Eighteen meatballs, six sides of fries, three beers and three Pepsi.

-And water. -Right, water, too.

-Will that be all? -Yes.

-Thank you. -Please, make sure the water isn't cold.

Like hell would you have gotten to see Piersic at that Vietnamese joint.

You would've been eating larvae and snake's knee caps now.

Oh, come on.

Where do I know that guy in glasses down there?

Which one, man?

The guy in yellow at that big table down there.

Where do I know him from?

I don't know, man. Never seen him before in my life.

It's that guy in the cat commercial, man.

Yo, I don't know, but tell them something.

-I don't want them causing no ruckus. -Listen.

You're going to go over there

and bring me that guy in yellow with the glasses, down there. Please.

-Stefan, check this out a bit. -Look, that gate is from Maramures.

Get a load of what I bought.

Come on, we're going to make fools of ourselves.

-How do you turn these things off? -I don't know.

They turn themselves off.

Did you get them for the little ones?

For Magdita, so she can put them on her desk.

What desk, man? The one you got in between the two stoves?

The one where she puts the eggplants out to dry,

which she then chops up on her chest.

-Aren't you a wiseass? -Thank you!

Oh, man, that thing with the 150 bucks was something else.

I was flabbergasted when I opened that envelope.

Like hell am I going to get myself that A/C machine.

You will, man, you will. Easy does it, it's cold.

That was just for today. We'll get another envelope tomorrow.

-You think? -For real?

Yes, of course.

Well, didn't she say it was the daily allowance?

Well, you get a daily allowance every day, right?

There's going to be another envelope tomorrow.

Dream on.

No, he's right. They do the same thing at that festival in Focsani.

We got the daily allowance every day.

Man, the woman did say it was 'symbolic'.

So we won't be getting anything else.

What did you do?

Mr. Titi, don't get upset, don't freak out, but...

she did what she had to do.

Man, that is big!

Mom, you are the best mother ever. I love you!

My baby!

Oh, man, Doina. You're completely out of your mind.

-What are we going to do here? -Titi, cut it out.

Man, don't you get it? We're going to receive more money tomorrow.

-Like hell we are. -Come on, cheers. Enough of that.

Cheers.

Excuse me, sir. Would you come over there for a second?

Godfather, he is right.

It was the same when we went to Braila. We got the daily allowance every day.

Stefan, come on, film us, too. Are you filming me?

Yo, what's he doing over there, man?

Who are those guys?

No...

He doesn't get it.

It's the best he can do.

He doesn't know that these diaspora folks, they want elevated stuff.

More than just meatballs and beer and folk bands.

-Yes. -You drive me nuts, Red.

I'll be done in a second.

It's a folk song contest. It's the best he can do.

You should've told me about this thing. I would've taken good care of you.

Would've pulled a "D'ale Carnavalului" at the end, the Clejani orchestra,

Meatballs, beer, good cheer, some dulcimers,

and everyone would've been happy.

Very good. You actually could've used it.

Will you help me out?

Will you finish chopping up the vegetables?

The onions?

More prosecco?

I missed you.

I missed you, too.

Can't wait to team up with you.

Really?

OK.

Do you know I started counting the days?

Like they do in the army?

If we keep this up, we won't get to eat today,

or tomorrow, or the day after that.

Do you think he's leaving?

In September.

I did everything I could to bring you over.

I'll have you know I finished editing the text for my Faustus.

And I think it's going to come out totally insane.

Do you have some time to read it, these days?

-And tell me what you... -Oh, no, get this thing away from me.

-What, the onions? -Yes, you got some in my eye.

I'm working with that crazy Adriana on the costumes.

She told me she wants to make 100 costumes for me.

Do you realize this?

One hundred costumes?! She's totally mental.

But it will come out.

Listen, you know what?

If you're no longer interested,

you can just tell me, I'll stop fussing over this like some crazy woman.

What do you mean, no longer interested? I'm interested!

Then why won't you give up on this project?

Lidia, I've been working on this Faustus for three years.

I'm obsessed with it, don't you understand?

I can't give up on it now.

But aren't I what's obsessing you?

Yes, you are. Please, calm down.

Good evening, my dear fellow Romanians.

I know how anxious you all are to see the show.

Do, please excuse me, but...

for the delay, of course,

but tonight we've prepared an even bigger surprise for you.

Shut your pie hole, man. Piersic gets to talk now.

You're just wasting power for nothing.

Yo, daddy-os, what's cooking?

Is this the kind of welcome I get from you?

Give Piersic a hand.

Lovelies, I'm looking at you tonight,

and there's incredibly few of you here tonight.

You are wonderful.

That's Sammy, check out the agent's eyes he's got. Especially the left eye.

Sammy, go ahead tell us something, Sammy, my man.

Welcome, maestro.

Did y'all check out the conniving agent's laugh this guy's got?

Daddy-os, tonight I would like to introduce you

to a group of amazing actors.

But I won't let them talk for too long,

because these folks don't know any good jokes like I do, y'know?

Come on, Doina, get over here. Please give this actress a hand!

Yes.

No.

All right.

All right. I can't talk right now.

I'll talk to you a bit later. No.

Who was it?

Wrong number.

Why does she keep calling you, if the two of you have broken up?

Who's calling me?!

Listen, Lidia...

Do you really think you're fooling me with this Faustus business?

Come on, let's calm down a little, sit down, have a good meal...

All right? Come on, please. I'm asking you nicely. I'm starving.

Lidia, seriously, this is silly.

What in God's name...

I followed your advice with that abortion.

Pick it up.

Pick it up!

If you're not going to pick it up, I will.

Darling, if a woman really wants a child, she'll have it.

All right?

And back then, you were desperate to leave the country.

-That's what we're talking about here. -You are such a coward.

-Why am I a coward? -Unbelievable.

No, really, why am I a coward? Please, tell me.

I am not a coward, not in the least bit.

I am absolutely happy with not having children.

I don't even think I could be able to care for a baby, a child.

My shows are my children. That's the truth.

Undecided as usual.

I've had it with you messing up my plans, for years now.

Good night.

Florin kisses the living daylights out of you all!

See the kind of flair I've got? I'm the world's greatest actor dealer.

Man, you've got some luck!

Bravo, you guys rule! You rock, bravo!

Yo, bring the artists some food and crack open the good wine!

Here's the deal I've got for you...

this thing.

A tour.

Of the Romanian communities.

I've got everything down pat. The tickets have been sold.

If Piersic never showed up, tough luck for him, lucky for you.

So, what do you say? Are you guys in?

I'll have you know it's not really like that, Godfather.

What do you mean, it's not really like that?

You guys are out of your minds. You're irresponsible. You're nuts.

Why did we come over to the States, huh? We're here to represent Romania.

Not to put on two-bit shows.

Titi, please, I beg of you.

If you go on talking like Sandu,

I'm going to fling myself into this water.

Come on, let's talk this through a bit.

Let's all admit we need the money.

Or, in any event, I need it to buy air conditioning.

I'll be damned, it looks like I'm the only one who's got problems.

In any case, you've got to admit

I'm the reason y'all are fighting right now.

If it hadn't been for me and that commercial

because of which that guy recognized me,

you all would be fast asleep at this hour.

Here's what I say.

If we don't mess with the show on Friday, which I don't think we will,

it's worth doing this tour.

Think about it for a second. There are four shows.

Two, three, four hundred per person per show.

Twenty, thirty bucks a ticket.

Go ahead, run the numbers. Based on how many of us there are,

I don't know, that's a couple grand for each of us.

And we'd be doing our jobs, right?

We'd be doing our jobs, not making fools of ourselves.

Did you see how popular we were tonight?

I don't want to wait around, begging for Mrs. Popescu's mercy.

And if we don't have the guts to take on this madness,

then this means we deserve our fate.

In fact, why am I getting all worked up over this?

Sandu's not going to let you go anyway.

So who's Sandu, anyway?

Let me tell you lot something else.

You know what hit me today?

A revelation.

I feel poor and powerless in this awesome city.

-Did the mobster dump you? -No, man, I dumped him.

And when I realized I have nothing to do except for window shopping

and buying some shitty souvenirs, I burst into tears.

-He took your card away, too? -Yeah, so?

Kids, come on.

-We're here to represent Romania, kids. -Titi, I'm begging you, shut up.

I don't give a rat's ass about Mrs. Popescu's schedule.

Like, what, I'm going to fall all over myself

because I get to see some skyscrapers?

Like, what am I going to see at the Metropolitan Museum, man?

Contemporary art and all the world's miserable saps?

There's nobody out there more miserable than me.

I believe I can make money off my talent, too.

And I was given that opportunity tonight and I won't miss it for the world.

I, for one...

Want to go on tour.

Me, too.

Me, too.

Us, too.

Come on, it's going to be all right! What are you pouting for?

Get up! People who sleep don't get to make any memories!

How could you sleep in this hell hole of a room?

No, wait... I've got a surprise for you.

I've rented out a romantic little cottage in Long Island.

And while your lot visits museums, you and I are going to be making a baby.

Or two, to make up for lost time.

Enjoy your meal!

I need to go, because I've got a meeting. Catch you at lunch. Bye!

But, Lidia, weren't we supposed to go visit the statue?

I love you!

See, he's turned it off.

Man, you are putting me in a really shitty situation here.

-I'm going to walk in on him. -You're not going anywhere!

He's going to think we're all bailing out on him in secret, like thieves.

You called him, you've done your duty, that's it!

If he cared about us, he wouldn't have turned off his phone.

Oh, man, you're all worrying over nothing.

That guy's sleeping over at Lidia's. He's here to fuck.

He's happy to get rid of us.

Wait a second, hadn't he gotten back together with Mihaela?

This is Sandu we're talking about, right?

So, what are we going to do about the rehearsals?

Will you give me a break with your rehearsals?

We know that show by heart!

We'll rehearse once on Friday and that's it.

Yeah.

Man, would you get a load of that car.

Come on, everybody gather round for the picture.

Stefan, take a picture of us over here.

Let the folks back home see what we're traveling around New York in.

Come on. Come here.

Come here.

Come.

See how some people get treated?

Serves us right for not trying hard enough in school.

Come on, if this one didn't come out, maybe we can make it work with "cheese".

One, two, three... Cheese!

Look over here.

Did you take it? Come on, let's take another one.

Another one. Two, three...

Hurry up, I'm not allowed to stop here. Come on!

What can we do? It's a school bus.

Come on, Stefan!

Stop!

That's right, kids. Well done, nice.

Let the jerk who brought you here sleep through it.

You want to be the only ones who get to see the Statue of Liberty.

Well, we thought you didn't care.

We talked to Titi

and he said you'd come round in another car, with Mrs. Popescu.

Yeah, there was no point in all of us huddling up together.

We thought you'd ride in the same car with her.

Right, man. We said we'd all go together, you know, as a family. But, whatever.

If I'm in your way, then that's that.

C'mon, kids, what the hell? Would I let you go out on your own?

Could I do something like that?

The statue, an 1876 gift from France

to mark the one hundredth anniversary of the United States,

was created by the French sculptor Frédéric Auguste Bartholdi.

Fane!

Who worked on this project for 21 years.

Do you realize what that means?

Y'all, I get the feeling we...

I think we're going in the wrong direction.

Who brought you over to America, man? Was it me or this guy?

Who are you, lot, a bunch of Pinocchios?

That's it, he dangled some money in your face

and you up and took him up on the offer?

Where are you lot going?

-It's not really like that... -Not like that?

What do you mean, it's not like that?!

It's not enough that that moron got his hand stuck on the railing

and stood me up?

-Now you're going to do the same thing? -Boss, you're right.

I told them, but they've spent all their money.

What, do we get more daily allowances?

Come on, Titi, man, another allowance, man?

-It was for the whole week. -I told them.

So, then why cause this whole scandal? Isn't it better that we're leaving?

Sandu, if you don't want to, you don't have to join us, you know.

Right, man. What, you think we're out here in America on our own?

Like we're on a holiday paid for by the state, or what?

Man, did a single one of you stop to think for a second,

what I'm supposed to tell at the consulate?

I think Mrs. Popescu's going to understand.

She's a sweetheart.

It's Mihaela.

Yeah.

I lost it.

No kidding.

We're doing absolutely perfect, just peachy.

We're in New Jersey, on our way to doing two-bit shows in America.

No, honey, I'm kidding. Come on, I'm in rehearsal, can't talk right now.

I'll call you when we're done.

Get this thing away from me.

Yo, do you lot realize the pile of shit you've gotten me into?

How the hell are we going to rehearse until Friday?

Calm down, what are you getting all worked up for?

We can rehearse in the car.

If you want the show to come out well, you'll come with us and we'll rehearse.

My blood pressure's risen.

If not, you can go back to New York

and have Lidia show you the Statue of Liberty.

Or whatever else she's showing you there...

I am not feeling well at all.

Get a load of the stunt these people are trying to pull on me.

You do whatever you want, your business.

Godfather, what do we do?

I'm going back with him, just so you know.

Edi, it was just a bit much for him to handle.

Give him a break, man. He'll come back.

This guy's really sick.

Let's drive him with this bus to the emergency room.

No! I don't think moving him is a good idea.

Let's call an ambulance! What's the number here?

No, I think it would be best to...

What?

Have Nela... do mouth-to-mouth on me!

So! That's how you play out a crisis situation.

Bravo!

Onto the bus now, there are shows waiting for us.

Well done, you're the best, boss.

-See why we can't be managers, man? -Speak for yourself.

I did call you, I swear. Your phone was turned off.

I lost it. You have no idea what you got me out of.

I dodged a bullet with that crazy woman.

Come on, we'll talk. Come on!

-Yes, Lidia, I understand. -Who's in America now?

Sit down!

I want us to save the situation somehow.

Who's going to be making money in America?

Sit down!

Enough already!

Lidia, hear me out for a second.

We're all adults here, there will be no problems with the show.

We'll be back on Thursday night, rehearse on Friday morning

and put on the show on Friday evening without any problems. Of course.

Yes, please calm down, there's not...

I can't hear you, I'm losing the network.

No, there's no network service. Hello... Hello?

Hello...

Thanks.

Sammy, are we moving here, or what?

I get the feeling the other cars are driving past us like rockets.

Esmeralda is feeling great at this speed.

Who's Esmeralda?

This car.

Her name is Esmeralda, after my grandmother in Vaslui,

who used to be a teacher.

-Mr. manager? -Yes, sir?

Can we turn on that air conditioning?

What air conditioning?

I mean, back when Esmeralda was born, they hadn't invented air conditioning yet.

The windows are open! Can't you feel it?

Sammy, have you been hauling around all the artists in this thing?

Well, of course.

Esmeralda has not been pulled over by the police even once.

For twenty years, I've been hauling around the biggest troupes from Romania.

Out of all the great artists, not one of them complained.

I'd take them all over the border to Canada and they had no visas,

You dig me?

I'd take them across the border illegally.

Listen, what did Raymond just say?

He said that when all the great artists crossed the border illegally into Canada,

Sammy took them across the border,

they all drop to the floor in here, so that the cops wouldn't see them.

Like, if we get pulled over by the cops, I'll drop down on top of Nela.

-What do you mean? Like this? -Yes.

Aw, man, cue in the lame jokes.

Listen, Mister Sammy, what should we use in our shows?

-What does well with the audiences? -Well, the stuff they know best.

You know? Just make it from the heart!

The Romanians out here are torn up by their feelings of homesickness.

I'll give it some more thought.

Give it some more thought...

Please, I'm begging you, let me recite the poem Prayer for Parents.

-Oh, no. -No, please don't.

No, seriously, it actually touches me. Please let me do it.

All right, man. Do it.

If he's touched by it, maybe it's going to work out all right.

So, Fane. Prayer for Parents.

-"As long as we're alive..." -Not now!

Not now?

All right. Doina, you don't have to give it any more thought,

You know what you're going to do. You're going to sing. Come on.

Now?

No, next year... Now!

Come on.

Three months night, each evening

My honey passes by the station, leaving

My honey passes by in his cart

Because he now has a different sweetheart

On and on goes the wheel on the mill Click, clack, clack

My heart's in pain, going still Click, clack, clack

Mill keeper spins her tow Click, clack, clack

And the tow churns out her woe

Click, clack, clack.

Bravo!

Bravo!

Bravo, Baldy, this is some tour.

I belted out ballads for some of the blind guy's patients.

I told y'all we shouldn't go.

Can we try to get some sleep in here?

I like it, it's like summer camp.

Like, I can't believe Sandu's got a massage session now.

If that guy pulls some magnetic passes on him,

he's going to live to be a hundred.

He'll bury us all!

Stand to, the teacher's here.

Why aren't you kids sleeping?

Hey, which one's my mattress?

Boss, there's none available...

I thought you'd at least get a separate room.

They're painting the whole villa.

Ray and Sammy are sleeping over at some friend's, I don't know where.

What is it? What's wrong with you?

That's the tour life for you. Didn't you all want to go on tour?

This is it. You're all actors. Art requires some sacrifice.

But he did give you the money?

He'll pay us at the end, that's what he said.

So, anyway, where do I get to sleep?

On the bike.

You can do some spinning or something, if you like.

Or, better yet, I'll sacrifice my own comfort and sleep next to Nela.

You'll be left with the whole huge-ass mattress for yourself.

-Come on, get out of here. -No, seriously, get out of here.

Come on, please.

Oh, man, Doina, are they all this immature or are we simply unlucky?

Kiddo, pipe down.

Yeah, right. Good thing your billionaire was mature.

That's why you spent so much time with him, isn't it?

That's why you dumped him, 'cause he was boring you.

You dumped him for me, didn't you?

Yo, stop it, dude.

-Come on, you're suffocating me. -You, over there, go to sleep, now.

If we can't reason with each other, get over here.

Hey, leave the kid alone.

Come on, I'll throw you into the pool. Come here!

Are you going to behave?

Are you going to behave?

Why did you butt in, huh?

"Bring solace to your parents.

The earth is getting heavier,

The departure is getting harder

Farewell, my father!

Farewell... my mother!

My father,

my boy,

My mother,

my little girl!

Dearly beloved.

Let us thank these wonderful actors

and the director who directed this emotion-filled performance.

-Please. -No, Father, no.

We thank you.

I thank you!

I would like to make a very important announcement.

Maestro Florin Piersic and these amazing actors

have decided to donate all the money they've made until now

for the renovation of our church.

Dear actors, please, sit down to eat.

A bit of funeral cake and some wine like they have back home await!

Please, Mr. Director, sir, please!

Hold on a second.

Did anyone ask us if we want to donate anything to anyone?

The Father is friend with Maestro Piersic.

They'd agreed to donate everything to the church. I had no idea about it.

Come on, you two, you can't talk like this in front of a church.

-God will hear us. -Yeah, sure, God will hear us.

God's got more important business to take care of right now.

Titi, cut it out! That's blasphemy.

Right... now I'm being blasphemous, too.

You'll cover your losses tomorrow night, it's going to be a full house.

I sold everything!

Come on, Esmeralda is missing you. Come on.

Well... let's go.

Sorry, let me pass, please.

Will it be much longer?

I don't know.

So, what do we do if it doesn't start?

How do we get there for sure?

You were saying something about 500 seats. We can't miss that!

No shit? Like you're the only ones who'd be losing money?

Don't you think I would, too?

I haven't even made enough for gas until now.

So where's that Raymond guy? How come he isn't helping you out?

He had to leave, his wife's given birth. What was he supposed to do?

So, what do we do?

Esmeralda won't bail out on me through thick.

Hand me that phone, please.

"A".

Say "stop", man!

Stop.

"M".

Monkeys.

Keep it down, Stefan's fallen asleep.

Keyhole.

Pa...

Parrots.

Nela. Be.

Come on, you guys, what did I just tell you?

It's all right, he's sleeping.

Be.

Beast.

Ne.

Neatent (thoughtless).

That's an F for you, you fool!

Come on, Baldy... "A"...

-Aren't you playing with us anymore? -No, I'm going to go to sleep.

Yeah, that tall lamp. Right?

That's the one I want, too.

Of course I missed you.

Yes.

Yes, it's strange?

But, hold on, before I forget.

You mentioned some shoes you like.

What are they called?

What?

I don't understand...

No. Miha, text me.

Yes, text me because I don't understand.

All right, kisses.

I'll call you later. See you. Bye-bye.

I've been meaning to talk to you for a few days now,

but I never found a good moment for it.

I love you!

And I've got plans with you,

I mean with us.

I know you can't hear me now and can't answer me,

but I had to tell you this, I would've choked otherwise.

That's it.

And when we get to New York,

I want to buy you the most beautiful dress in all of Manhattan.

Will it be much longer?

I don't know.

How's the little guy doing?

He had a bit of a hard time falling asleep.

Are you cold?

A little.

Is this better?

Oh, you're so warm!

I think I'm going to fall asleep out here.

There, you're all taken care of now.

What's this?

How could I wear something like this?

It's a cheerful little number. Goes against your type cast.

Done!

Edy,

you can call this whatever you want, but it's no tour.

If I'd taken you on tour, we'd only be staying in five star hotels.

You're right.

But what do you expect us to do now?

Didn't you hear him? He sold 500 seats.

For at least twenty dollars a pop.

That's ten grand.

With what Sammy's going to keep for himself,

plus room, board, and transportation,

we'll be left with at least one grand per person.

You get to tell him what your share is.

What share, man?

You guys are the actors, you're on stage, you collect the money.

Yes?

You got yourself a bonus. A spray, this morning.

Boss, what do we do?

Boss.

Sandu.

Please talk to this Sammy guy.

We can't spend all night in a parking lot.

You, artists! Let's hit the motel.

I got you two rooms. That was all they had left.

Lights out, we've got a show tomorrow. Come on!

Girls, come on, we've got rooms!

Come on, Sammy, come on!

What's that guy doing, man?

Come on, man. What are you doing? Did you fix it?

He did fix it, but it won't start.

Meaning?

Meaning we need to give it a little push first and then it starts.

Girls, up and at 'em!

Come on, Fane, come on!

Come on, Fane, lend a hand!

Come on, Baldy, stop faking it!

Go!

-One, two ... Let's go! -Go!

And go, like they did on the battlefield!

Wait, it's working! Come on, wait, let's go.

But he's back after a week

Longing

Amid the flowers, ice in hand

Longing

Half snowed over

Half bluebell

As if cradled by a star

Longing

Longing

He who loves...

I loved you speechlessly,

Hopelessly.

He who loves...

Tormented by jealousy and diffidence...

-Let her be loved once more... -May God punish him...

-May God punish him... -So deeply...

-May God punish him... -Like I loved you.

Let's all immigrate to America

If you all knew

Bolshoi!

And how cold it is in Moscow...

Show's over. I pull the blinds.

If you liked this clown, y'all come back tomorrow night!

He says they've got no vacancies. Shall we try some other place, then?

No, thank you.

Meow?

No. Mi-a.

Mi-a.

-Placut. -Placut (I enjoyed it).

Perfect!

Maya!

Sammy!

And she's got a very big house!

A castle.

She loves artists a whole lot. She's a genuine Maecenas!

I'll steal this little one away from you for a little while.

You're coming with me, there's someone I need to introduce you to.

I'll bring her over to Maya's place later.

What are you doing, diva? Leaving us?

I'm letting you have her with an inventory number.

You make sure you bring her back in one piece.

You're not crazy enough to go, are you?

You're worried I might meet Scorsese and stay over to make movies around here.

I'm worried about your safety.

Relax, I can handle it.

Check this out, Fane.

Yes, I know, I need to get light sensors installed.

Spielberg, son! What are you doing? Sleeping?

Come on, kid, get up and film this place we just got to!

Oh, shut up already, he's sleeping.

Oh, great, now you've woken him up with your jokes.

Mom, when do we get to sleep?

Right away, can't you see we got there?

There, there, baby! You'll go to sleep any minute now.

Hello, there, Miss.

You idiot, get some at your place, to have your cucumbers watered.

Oh, man, are you nuts? I'm talking to myself.

Man, I could not live in a ginormous place like this one.

Do you realize what cleaning this place up must be like?

We're done for. She's got a pool.

And she doesn't have a yard, she's got a big ass park!

Baldy, check out the statue Cruella's got in here.

Man, that's freaky!

Dude, keep it down. Cruella's still Cruella, even in English!

That's her husband. He killed himself.

-Where are you going? -Upstairs!

She called us up to see our rooms.

Don't worry, I'll be right over!

Did she just say chicken?

-Are we going to eat chicken? -Yes.

Yes, lots of chicken!

She said kitchen, not chicken.

You relax a little, why don't you? We're not going to starve to death.

Hey, please, let's eat first and then shower.

Godmother, hold on, let me give you your bag.

-Come on, please! Come on. -Thanks!

Baldy, this kitchen is huge!

-Godmother, what are you looking for? -Cigarettes!

Hey, check this out, man! What do you think?

Man, you just won't stop until you break something, will you?

Cut it out!

I get her husband now. This is what killed him.

Shut up, man, don't embarrass us.

Well, I need to cover the rumbling in my stomach somehow, don't I?

Mom, I can't sleep without Umi.

The child is hungry...

That's a sort of fish, isn't it?

Pate.

Hand that over!

What's that?

What's that?

It's gotta be something big. She said "biggle".

Mom, I want some, too.

Stefan, you're not allowed any. That's a sort of gin.

I got the message. We get drunk and go to sleep.

It's a non-alcoholic drink.

-It's got fructose, corn syrup... -You cut it out over there!

No. Stefan first, and then we split up whatever's left.

Man, cut it out. You're worse than a baby. What's wrong with you?

We take a shower, put some perfume on, put on our good clothes,

the guys come back with the money and we go out to a restaurant.

What is it, gals? Are you lost?

Come on, lend me a hand, I'll drive you over to Maya's place!

Sammy,

you wanted to take us to that joint, I got it.

It didn't work out, nothin' to it.

-Give me some money! -What money?

Well, the actors' money. Let me at least have a part of it.

Didn't we agree I'd pay it all up in the end, once the tour is over?

-I've got insurance to pay, taxes. -Yeah, I know. That's true, you're right.

But at least let me have some of the money tonight, 'cause I need it, too.

Man, I can't. I need to pay for the motel, the gas.

What motel, man? That shitty motel?

You made a lot of money tonight.

Man, that shitty motel is for money.

Nothing over here in America's for free, you know?

Hold up, man!

I'm done here.

You give me the money for these first three shows and we're done.

No one's coming along with you anymore. Are we clear here?

You don't say!

You're making me cry!

All right, man. No one's coming along with me anymore.

How am I supposed you give you money, when I don't have any?

You give me the money or I'll beat you to death!

Go on!

Here's your damned money! You patented nobodies.

-What's this? -The money.

Did you see what the posters say? Florin Piersic.

Because if I'd put your names up on the posters,

not even my grandma in Focsani would've come see you.

You ought to thank me for getting to see America on my money.

You jackass, that's no way to talk about my actors.

You be careful, now. This is America. They've got laws here.

If you touch so much as a strand of hair on my head, you get to do time, you know?

-Oh, yeah? -Yeah.

We'll see about that!

-Hold up, man! Hold it! -I will kill you!

-Titi, get off me! -Hold up, man!

Open the door!

It won't work, you're right!

I've got a problem with the air conditioning.

-You broke something, didn't you? -I didn't, it's from the remote control.

I'll go over to Cruella, she's bound to have others.

Hold on, man, I'm sure this can be controlled from the knob, too.

Miss Maya?

Miss Maya,

I'm a serious man,

a married man, let's get this straight.

Look, here, to make you get the point easier,

I'll show you a picture.

I've got my kiddies here.

Luca.

The older boy, and Elena, the little girl.

We struggled a lot to have them.

My Magdita, the wife, mine, my wife,

she couldn't get pregnant the natural way.

No, she couldn't get pregnant the natural way.

So, then, we tried having them through vitro.

In vitro and sperm...

I can't mime these things for you.

So, we had to take it to the hospital.

So I put the sperm in a jar,

I put the sperm, the sperm in a jar

and we had to get to the hospital as soon as possible,

'cause the sperm would die if it didn't get there.

It had to be alive, so, then, I got into the car quickly,

I did, and out I went into the streets, like a madman, with the cops on my tail.

I wouldn't pull over or anything.

So I got to the hospital and the sperm, it was alive, it wasn't, I mean...

It wasn't dead. It was alive, you know what I mean? It wasn't, like, dead.

It was alive, so, then my wife sat herself down on the operation table,

the doctor took the sperm that was alive,

put it in all nice and snug and she had Luca.

Then, second, Elena

and that's how we had the two little angels.

It's Edy, he can't sleep without me.

I hurt my nose.

Go on, go look for something cold I could put over my nose,

so it doesn't swell up.

Go over to the fridge

and grab me something cold to put on this,

so I can stop the hemorrhage.

All right, never mind. I'll get it myself. I don't need you lot.

Some troupe we are.

We help each other out, we're like brothers.

Yeah, right!

Hand me some paper napkins to stuff up my nose.

Yo, I've got a nose bleed and you feel like laughing?

All right, forget it!

God damn you and your air conditioning!

Man, what are you yelling like this for?

Man, what happened to you?

Godmother, what's wrong?

What did you lot do?

I fell, 'cause I got up on that shitty night stand

so I could fix the air conditioning for you.

Go and bring me some ice from the fridge.

And put some cold water on that rag for me!

Like, bro, don't be mad, but I faint if I see blood!

All right, why don't you all faint and leave me for dead.

Serves me right!

Godmother?

Godmother?

Man, is she dead?

Godmother?

She's not dead, she fainted. Can't you see she's got hash?

Oh, God! Well, since when has godmother been stoning?

Slap her across the face a couple times, she'll wake up!

I can't, man, she's my godmother. I can't do it.

Bend her neck backward and rub her temples!

Easy!

Is that it? Is it good?

Better take her upstairs, we don't want Titi to find her like this,

'cause he'll beat the both of us up!

Easy does it, easy.

Give me a cigarette, will you?

Go ahead!

Well... Leave me alone!

Sandu, let's get out of here. This place is not for us.

We'll each grab a beer and go!

There's nothing wrong with you.

-Man, don't you lie to me! -I'm not lying, man!

-Neither on the left, nor on the right? -No.

I feel like... I mean...

You can pull off a Hamlet with a crooked nose,

but no more commercials for you!

Yo, why aren't those guys coming back already, man?

What, you think they ran off with the money?

You can never be sure with Sandu.

Call her. I say you call her anyway!

Man, I will not call on Lidia even if it kills me!

Go figure, I'm all out of ideas.

So, what do we tell them?

We'll just tell them the truth, and that's it!

Oh, man, I can't believe it!

I've been waiting for this moment all my life.

What moment?

This one.

I've been meaning to fuck a black chick all my life.

Poppycock.

What, man, don't you know what they say?

They've got something special.

Special? Man, you're serious about this.

Of course.

Man, I can't believe it, this killing me! Killing me!

You know I was dead close to rape?

-What? -Cruella wanted to rape me.

-When? -When I went to look for the remote.

-No way! -Yeah, she was levitating.

-She got the wrong guy. -Yeah.

If she had levitated for Sandu, he wouldn't have missed out for the world!

Man, get your hands off me! What do you want?

Titi, let's go!

-We need to pay for the beers. -Fuck the fucking beers!

-Wait for me to take Umi. -C'mon, before we get fucked by them!

Fucking thieves!

-What happened? -Would you shut up, already?

Wait? Wait up!

I took the broad to the other room.

Got her a cocktail, got a beer for myself,

She did an awesome lap dance for me,

I bought a condom, and as I was about to get to the action,

the pimp showed up and told me that if I wanted to get laid,

I had to pay him an extra hundred dollars.

Where was I going to get that kind of money?

Man, look at me.

This story is dead and buried.

-Yeah, man. -Right here, right now!

Should we take a dip?

Are you nuts? Now?

Not now, when we come back.

I'm going to go to bed, I can't wait to sleep!

Would you look who's here!

We got screwed over with the food here, we need to go to a restaurant!

-Is Nela here? -Not yet.

Come on, boss, get out the cash, my eyes need a reason for joy!

Sammy screwed us over.

I didn't see so much as a single dollar from him.

He's good.

Like, for a director, you're a pretty good actor.

You are very cute, but let's go, already, I'm starving here!

No, man, he's not kidding.

It really is true.

He screwed us over...

Hold on a second!

You two are a couple of idiots!

Why the hell didn't you stay back in New York?

What the hell did you come here for, to screw up our whole tour?

First off, you don't know how to talk to people,

that's why we've been left without money now.

Fane, don't worry,

We won't get on the bus tomorrow until that guy gives us the money.

I'll take care of Sammy.

Fane, let's go into the kitchen, I'll fix you something to eat!

Come on, move it already!

Come on, leave those losers alone!

Hold this!

Baldy, are you sure you're going to set things straight with the money?

Yeah, man, no problem!

Listen here, mister Edy.

Give me a bowl!

I would actually react to this whole drama you're causing,

if I didn't know you're a hysterical moron.

I'd rather be a hysterical moron,

than a ladder-climbing, talentless jerk like you!

Man, did you see what he did?

Titi, did you see what he did?

Man, did you all see what this moron did?

And that was just a warning!

If you don't calm down, I'll leave you for dead in a puddle of blood!

Edy... Cut it out!

This guy fought for us, for our money, out in that parking lot.

You'll be sorry!

Man, I will not be the least bit sorry.

Like, what do you mean, that he beat that guy up?

And brought us back the money? No.

'cause he was supposed to take the van.

If I had been in his shoes, that's what I would've done.

He went there and came back penniless. He's a jackass!

Sandu!

I will kick you out of the theater!

-I will kick you out of the theater! -Sandu?

What's gotten into you lot? Have you gone completely nuts?

Who you gonna kick out of the theater? What, is it your theater?

Did you inherit it from your old momma?

Man, you be careful, there's going to be a competition this autumn.

I'm going to be in it, too. I'll be the manager then

and I'll be the one who kicks you out of the theater.

You're keeping these idiots here, for no money at all,

but you made sure you got your envelope, that's what you do on all the tours.

Man, I'll kill you!

You've been doing shit like this for shows your whole life.

You think it's some amazing show.

Why do you think he's here? 'cause he's got connections?

-You came here for the fucking. -The fucking, yes, yes, the fucking.

That's one skill of mine you'll never have, you jerk-off!

-You fucking son of a bitch! -All right, you two, shut up!

Baldy, you're overdoing it.

This is a very good show

and, in any case, I played my part by the book.

Oh, sure!

You stinking bald man. I will slit your throat!

Well, I was in Ploiesti on Wednesday.

In Ploiesti?

Show me the ticket!

Show me the ticket!

Here's your ticket!

Shut up! We are rehearsing!

How are we going to find him?

I'll find him, don't you worry.

I know the cops' policies.

Our buddy's here for the ball.

Yes.

My Didina's here for the ball.

Yes.

Perhaps your Mita's here, too!

Yes?

Don't cry!

It's unbecoming!

A man of the law like yourself!

Go on!

To the ball.

Bravo, man!

Bravo, man!

Bravo, man!

-Bravo! -Brilliant!

Bravo, man!

-Bravo, man! -Bravo, man!

I'll be damned if you're not better than Cristi.

It's super-duper!

Super! Can I say something, too?

I would like to thank my colleagues, alongside whom I performed,

and I would like to let them know

that the Lincoln performance will be my last one with them.

Fate smiled down upon me tonight.

I'm moving to Los Angeles!

Are you out of your mind?

What are you going to do out there? Wait tables?

No, honey, I'm going to go in for an audition.

If it doesn't work out, I'll go back.

Well done, Nela!

If I were your age, I would do the same thing.

Don't become a miserable loser like me!

Godmother, you, a loser? You're the best actress I know!

Really?

But from a small town.

Think about it a little bit. The two of us, together!

Want us to end up like these two?

But how can you talk like that, girl?

Doina and I have done things with our lives.

All you ever did was act out, and act without talent!

Hold out for a couple more years,

wait till your youth expires, and then we'll see!

Well, that's exactly why I want to take advantage of it now!

Are you giving up on the tour, too?

Come on, Fane! What tour?

We've been playing for room and board.

No, you got it all wrong.

They're going to pay us at the end, when the tour is over. I'll see to it.

Look, I got that.

Sammy's already gone to New York, to bring Maestro Piersic over.

We've been standing in as a foul weather solution.

Meow...

-No. Mi-a. -Mi-a.

-Placut. -Placut.

Don't even worry about not making the show.

I made do without you lot.

-Sorry! -Monica!

I want to thank you for putting up with us, too.

We'll be better behaved next time. I promise!

I bet you will!

You've always been a man of your word.

All right. Let's go, kids! To the airport!

Old man, I heard you were in America.

Who told you?

A stupid joke!

This is no stupid joke, Mr. Manger, sir.

Watch out, Mrs. Lidia.

Fane, two, three, go!

What are you lot doing, man?

I heard you moved out past the field!

Who told you?

-Did it work? -Yes.

-Great! -Well done, pops, well done!

-Farewell and all the best! -We've all had a great time.

I found someone else for the position.

It was stupid of me to think you'd ever come here.

You never would have.

All right. Once you get over your anger, we'll talk.

No, don't worry, I won't get over it.

-We'll see. -Bye!

You don't get it. The plane only falls a single time for me.

OK. Bye!

Bye!

Yes, you know what I want to ask you?

I want the people back home to understand what show we're talking about,

what you performed out there.

We performed in "D'ale carnavalului", by Caragiale, at the Lincoln Center,

a thousand seats and then we toured America and other places.

I would like to make it clear that this was a definite success!

I'd like to expand on that and tell you that we were like a united family.

Let's also tell the folks back home that Nela, part of your family...

What are you looking at me like that for? She staid back there, in America, right?

Let's make this clear, too, we all got proposals from an agent.

But we took the advice of our manager and decided it was more important

to carry on with our projects back here, in the country.

She's already living in Beverly Hills

and she's got a place right next to that actress...

The one with a lot of surgeries... What's her name?

-Demi Moore? -No! The old one, who sings.

-Hold on, I believe you mean Cher? -That's right!

Good evening, you are now live. We're listening!

Hello, Mr. Maruta, can you hear me?

This is Georgiana, I'm calling you from Madrid.

Here's what I want to ask of you:

Please have these wonderful, talented actors tour Spain, too.

We also need wonderful shows with Romanians, like us.

So, Mr. Manager, let me hear what you have to say to this.

-We're coming, ma'am. -They will also go to Spain, very nice!

Well done, congratulations!