All language subtitles for The Grand Tour S04E02

(ENGINE REVS)

(TRAIN WHISTLE)

(BROADCAST IN FRENCH)

(ACCORDION MUSIC)

Hello, and welcome to
what is very obviously
the South of France.

Except this isn't
the South of France

where there are carefully
designed topless swimsuits

and Russian billionaires
turn up on super yachts.

This isn't even
in the same hemisphere.

This is 5,700 miles south
of the South of France.

It's a tiny volcanic island
in the Indian Ocean
called Réunion.

It is weird, isn't it?
Cos this isn't like
a French protectorate.

It's actually France.

-You know the flight
from Paris to here?
-Yeah.

The longest internal flight
in the world.

Because it is an internal.
France to France.

And because of
the time difference,

this was the first place in
the world where a euro
exchange happened.

-Yes, and wasn't it
for, like, a bag of lychees?
-It was.

-Ooh, that was a bit good.
-Nice one, mate.

Did you just see that shot?

JEREMY: In order to blend
with the Côte d'Azur vibe,

I've come here with
a V8 Bentley Continental.

(ENGINE REVS)

Now, I'll admit that Bentley
forged its reputation many
years ago at Le Mans,

which is in the north
of France.

But it's changed since then.

Now it's the most South of
France brand of them all.

The recipe's
still the same, though.

It's a big, heavy suet
pudding of torque
and opulence.

Yeah. (LAUGHS)

This is the first time ever
on our adventures

when I've had a proper,
functioning, decent car.

Whatever Mr Wilman
has in mind,
this'll be... perfect.

RICHARD:
Yeah, but this is better.

(LAUGHS)

This is a Ford Focus RS,
the latest version.

350 brake horsepower
from a four-cylinder
turbo-charged engine.

It's light, 1500 kilos,
and it's clever.

It has torque vectoring. It
can send up to 70% of the
total power to the rear axle.

And it can divert 100%
of that to one wheel.

(CRACKLES AND BANGS)

I love those crackles
and bangs on the overrun.

(CRACKLES AND BANGS)

(LAUGHS)

It's just... Yeah, it brings
out the yobbo in me.

(CRACKLES AND BANGS)

Hello, viewers.

And as you would imagine,
I've done this properly.

I've come in this.

This is a Caterham.

It is a 310R, to be precise.

It is a bit of a faff
getting in, admittedly,
but once you are in,

the rewards are enormous

because this car
was born in the '50s,

designed by Colin Chapman
as a self-assembly
weekend racing car.

This is the sort of thing
that enthusiasts online
go on about.

You even have to put
the steering wheel on.

(CAR PULLS UP)

Then you just close the door,
clip it in place
and we'll be on our way.

-It's nice this, mate, innit?
-Bloody fabulous.

-I wonder why they fitted the
kill switch on the outside?
-(ENGINE CUTS OUT)

Oh...

I'll put it there
so you don't lose it.

Right, gotta get on.

-Don't be a cock, Hammond.
-(LAUGHS)

(SIGHS)

(ENGINE REVS)

JAMES: Leaving aside
the unfortunate position
of the kill switch,

I can think of no better car
for these fantastic roads.

If you like the sensations
of driving, you know,

like turning the wheel
and changing the gears
and pressing the pedals,

you want one of these.

(SQUEAL OF TYRES)

Doesn't have traction
control, doesn't have
brake assist,

doesn't have
adaptive suspension,

it doesn't have
flappy paddles.

It doesn't even
have air bags.

It's just a car.

Absolutely perfect.

JEREMY: Having introduced
our cars to this tropical
island, we all met up.

It's so nice to be back
in the EU, sun shining.

Beautiful views,
great coffee.

Oh, here comes ASBO boy!

(REVVING
AND CRACKLES AND BANGS)

(LAUGHS)

How's your ankle bracelet
in this heat?

Yeah, I just grew one
as soon as I sat down in it.
It just formed on my leg.

(CRACKLES AND BANGS)

Now this is the coast road
around the north, sort of
northwest of the island.

And there are
a lot of rockfalls on it.

They've tried to solve the
problem by dangling wire mesh
down the side of the cliffs,

but that hasn't
really worked.

So the solution they've come
up with is... pretty radical.

What the French
are building here
is a ring road in the sea.

Designed to cope with 30-foot
waves and win votes,

this engineering masterpiece

cost £112 million
per kilometre

and it's 12 kilometres long.

It is, then, the most
expensive piece of Tarmac
in the world.

RICHARD: I was just thinking
this incredibly expensive,

mind-bogglingly complicated
stretch of road

could serve a useful purpose.

Mm. Mm.

JEREMY: And so...

JAMES:
I don't really know how to
call this, to be honest.

I've got the least power but
I've got the least weight.

JEREMY: Hammond and I
both have turbo-charging
and four-wheel drive

and you don't want either of
those things in a drag race.

He, however,
has got launch control.

Not that he knows how it
works, I should imagine.

RICHARD:
Trip... I don't want trip.

Settings.

Driver assist.

Launch control.

So it's...
Oh, no, it's cut out. Wait.

Jeremy Clarkson's
actually got out of the car.

Driver assist.

Launch control.

Hammond's
launch control is...

-Really?
-Yes.

Launch control
is troublesome.

That's odd,
because he's so useful at...

-What's that do?
-Leave it.
-(ENGINE CUTS OUT)

-What is it?
-It's... You know what it is.

-I don't know what it is.
-Stop being an arse.

It's turned the engine...
Why is the ignition key
on the outside?

It's in case
you have a crash.

It's really annoying.
Mustn't lose that.

(LAUGHS)

JEREMY: When James
had reassembled his car

and Richard
had sorted out his tech,

we were ready to go.

This Frenchman
in the yellow vest...

is he going to start the
race, do you think, or
throw a petrol bomb at me?

(REVVING)

(MORE REVVING)

(REVVING)

Trois, deux, un!

-(SQUEAL OF TYRES)
-Bloody hell.

They got a better start.

Second, I'm rowing it through
as quickly as I can.
I am in front.

It's only 152 horsepower.

Now time to deploy
the speed and power...

Bit late on that shift.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Stay... Oh, goddamn it!

(LAUGHS)

JAMES: I'm losing.
I'm losing.

I'm the first person
to lose on this road.

JEREMY: Oooh!

The inaugural Réunion
coastal road drag race

was just ripped into
by the Bentley.

Is it the face?
Is it the face?

Yeah, it's the face.
It's the face.

JEREMY: After christening
the ring road with
our important drag race,

we received a text
from Mr Wilman.

And he was telling us
to report to a cemetery
in the town of Saint-Paul

where we would
receive further instructions.

JAMES: Chaps.
-What?

I have in my hand
a piece of paper.

-Is it from Neville?
-It is from Neville,
actually.

It says, "In 1730 on Réunion,
a man called La Buse..."

That's him in there.

"..was hanged for crimes
of piracy."

So this is La Buse. He was...

What was he?
He had a pirate fleet.

-You know about this man?
-Yes.

He was called The Buzzard.
Big nose he had as well.

There is more on Neville's
piece of paper if you could
just keep quiet for a moment.

It says, "On his way to the
scaffold he threw a coded
message into the crowd

that explained where
he had buried his treasure.

A copy of that message is
included in your pack."

Is that it?

That's it, yes.

-Well, it's just garbage.
-No, but here's the good bit.

"It's reckoned that his
treasure included
the Fiery Cross of Goa,

a 220-pound, seven-foot high
golden crucifix studded
with rubies

and that today the haul
would be worth £100 million."

-Wow.
-So?

"So it's your job to crack
the code and find the loot.

Your sincerely,
Neville Wilman."

Oh, we are hunting
for pirate treasure?

-Yes, we are.
-Oh, come on.

Do you believe in
all this pirate nonsense?

What do you mean, "believe"?

Yes. Pirates were pirates.

Pirates knock
on your door and say,

"I've got this
knocked-off copy of the
Avengers: Endgame.

Do you wanna buy it?
It's only five quid."
That's a pirate.

Yeah, pirate now.
Pirates then, they had style.
This one...

-So we've gotta crack that...
-Yes.

...and that'll tell us
where this, The Buzzard...
-Yes.

...buried his treasure?

Yes.

Well, how are you
gonna crack that?

This is so up his street.

What's happened here
is very straightforward.

He loves pirates, you...
what do you like doing?

-Cracking codes.
Doing Sudoku.
-Crosswords.

What do I do?

Well, you can have your...
We'll be pirates,
we'll split the treasure.

I'm not going to be a pirate.

Oh, so we won't
split the treasure?

If you want to share
in the £100 million,
and I suggest you do,

you could maybe
muck in a bit.

You can help digging.

I can't be doing
with pirates. It's all...

All right,
so you don't want any?

Well, I mean,
I'll have it if it's there.

Oh, will you?

JAMES: Back at the hotel,
I started on the code...

while Nick and Margaret
sat in the background,
being annoying.

Would it help if I built you
a machine made of brass
and copper and transistors?

I heard if you drink
a glass of water like that
whilst looking at it...

-Have you thought about,
A is one...
-That's clever.

-B is two...
-Oh, that's clever.

-No, wait, wait.
-What?

-I've already had
a breakthrough.
-What?

Why don't you two go away
and leave me alone
to work on it by myself?

It is a bit boring, this.

Not very piratey thus far.

JEREMY:
So Richard and I left James
Turing to get on with it.

So La Buse...

(MUTTERS)

It's a shame
we can't go swimming.

Why can't we?

It's against the law.

What, swimming's illegal?

No, it really is.

Because between
2011 and 2016,

there were 43 fatal shark
attacks around the world.

19 were in the waters
off Réunion.

-Out there?
-Yeah.

Well, look,
it's only shallow.

If a shark comes,
we can jump it.

I think we did that in 2013.

(CHUCKLING)

(TICKING)

JEREMY: Do you only read
pirate books?

If it's got a pirate ship
on it, you're gonna
read it, aren't you?

It's exciting. There was
derring-do and adventuring.

The Lioness of Brittany,
1330 thereabouts.

She had a fleet of five
or six black ships
called the Black Fleet.

She had them all painted
black with red flags.
How cool is that?

JEREMY:
On the third day, we were
running out of activities,

so we went to see
how Alan was getting on.

-Have you got anywhere?
-Yes.

Where?

After a two-headed dog...

you take some honey.

Three days and that's it?

"After a two-headed dog
you take honey"?

Yeah, but I'm starting
with nothing.

-Um, you do know that they
hung La Buse here in Réunion?
-Yeah.

But they arrested him
in Madagascar.

And he's hardly likely
to have said,

"Mind if I bring this
seven-foot gold cross
and all my treasure

on your police boat
to the gallows" is he?

So it makes sense
that the treasure
is buried in Madagascar.

How long have you known that?

Since I was ten.

Did you not think it might
have made sense to say that?

I had a thought
and I've done this before
and made a fool of myself

by rushing in with it
before it's ready,

so I had to let it mature and
develop before I thought,

"Yes, I'll present this
thought to them."

I mean, there might be a
place called Two Headed Dog
in Madagascar for all I know,

but I wasn't looking.
I've been looking at Réunion.

-Well, we've got to go
to Madagascar, then.
-Yeah.

-It's not far away.
-Is it not?

Yeah, but we can't take
those cars to Madagascar.

-Why?
-Might be fun.

Well, no, the roads
are terrible in Madagascar.

How do you know?

Cos I had a friend when I was
much younger called Mary

who went there
doing wildlife conservation

and she told me Madagascar
was the worst place she'd
ever tried to drive a car.

We've been
all over the world.

-We've seen a lot of
potholes, mate.
-We have.

Yeah, but she went all over
the world as well, all over
Africa, South America.

She says Madagascar's
got the worst roads.

All she ever talked to me
about was how bad
the roads were in Madagascar

-and how often she was stuck.
-Right.

For days.

-Better modify our cars,
then.
-I've got a Caterham.

We can modify that
very easily.

-What, into an airship?
-I don't know.

Use your imagination.

JEREMY:
So we found a workshop.

And as James began...

Right, to work...

...Richard and I
went to a shop to buy kit.

-Bonjour.
-Bonjour.

Bonjour.

Avez-vous...

...jump leads, um...

You see? (BARKS LIKE A DOG)

(BARKS)

(PANTING)

(CONTINUES BARKING)

Monsieur, avez-vous
batterie connecteur?

-Ah, no.
-Oh, merci.

What, jump leads
are called battery...?

They're battery connector...
Yes, that's what it is.

-Not...
-You don't have any?
-You mimed it in English.

Well, I just thought jump
leads, brilliant acting.

If you know the English
for jump leads.

JAMES:
With the kit bought and
the modifications finished,

we set sail for Madagascar,

arriving two days later
in the port of Tamatave.

Hello again, viewers.

What I've done is this.

My car is already very light,
which is ideal
for off-roading,

so I've put some
bigger wheels on it.

That's good for ground
clearance and grip.

That's it.

Clearly, Jeremy had done
rather more than that.

Let me talk you through
what I've done.
There's a fair bit.

Got a winch here mounted
on a steel platform

and I have amour-plated steel
running from the front
to the back on the underside.

Headlamps, they're now
from a motorcycle.

I needed the space ordinarily
taken up by the lights
for these snorkels,

which I've fitted so the car
can now wade through
about six feet of water.

Moving further back,

big chunky tyres but the
wheels are actually smaller.

Now, that meant the original
brakes wouldn't fit,
had to remove those,

replace them with the brakes
from a Golf GTI.

Then I moved the brake and
fuel lines inboard to give
them extra protection

and removed
the air suspension,

replaced it, in fact,
with long travel shocks
and steel coils.

-You did all that
in two days?
-Well, it was that workshop.

-I don't know,
it was just so well-equipped.
-It was well-equipped.

So I was able to do, I think,
a pretty thorough job.

I am genuinely impressed.

-I'll tell you what.
-What?

This is what life is like...
outside the EU.

We were in the EU on Réunion,
smooth roads.

BMWs. "Would you like
a glass of Chablis?"

-Here...
-Yeah! Oh, sorry.

Would you like
some food poisoning?

JEREMY:
As we discussed post-Brexit
life, our colleague arrived.

O-K.

Ha-ha!

Yep, the flag and...?

And a number of
other changes.

OK, I'll talk you through it.
I've painted it black,
skull and crossbones.

There is a flag, yes.

Full external roll cage and
if this isn't strong enough,

I've replaced the front
and rear crumple zones
with girders.

I've raised the suspension by
19 inches to give it 23 and a
half inches ground clearance.

And then if you look
closely...here, the corners.

-Oh, yes.
-You know what he's done?

It's genius is
what I've done. Look at it.

-He's uninvented the wheel.
-You have,
you've put triangles on.

JEREMY: Having sorted
all that out, we got back
to the main problem.

The code.

I'm presuming, May,
because you haven't done
very much with your car,

you've devoted
quite a lot of time

to working out where in
Madagascar this treasure is.

-This non-existent treasure
is buried.
-Indeed.

-Yes? And where is it?
-No idea.

-You still don't know?
-Not a clue.

It's still two-headed dogs
and lemons and parrots
and things.

You do know they
actually arrested La Buse
on Madagascar

in an area called Libertalia,

which is like
a pirate commune
where they lived

and they had rules
of society and everything.

So it stands to reason
that's probably where
he buried his treasure

when they arrested him.

Have you known that
since you were ten as well?

Er, yeah, yeah, I have.

Is there anything else you've
known since you were ten

which would be relevant to us
now that you ought to
tell us?

No, that's it.

-So this Libertalia?
-Yeah.

-Where is it?
-North of here.

-How far north of here?
-100 miles.

You actually know
where it is?

Yeah, north of here.

100 miles north of here.

But you didn't say that
three days ago.

Again, you have to take
your time with a thought,

make sure it's ready,
turn it around, look at it.

Don't wanna make
a fool of myself, rush in.

JEREMY: And so, armed with
Captain Jack Hammond's new
information, we set off.

(LAUGHS)

I've taken
one of the finest
performance cars of its time,

a scalpel, and turned it
into a chainsaw.

(LAUGHS)

"Oh-arr, oh-arr, Jim lad."

I just don't get pirates.

You tell Tom Hanks
that pirates are romantic
and interesting...

They're not. They're
just... floating burglars.

Got a light here telling me
that there's a fault
with my air suspension.

I know, I've removed it.

But why had I removed it?

Because contrary to
what James had said,
the roads were fine.

Yeah.

Not sure I needed to raise
my car much for this
very smooth Tarmac.

Er, James?

Yes, what's your point?

Because of you, I've prepared
my car for Armageddon

and you've brought me
to a tea party.

JEREMY:
All right, look at this.

Big test for the Bentley.

There it is.

Jeez, I feel like
Ranulph Fiennes here.

Look at me!

Look at what I've done.

Just because he befriended
some girl in a floaty skirt,
I've ruined my whole hatch.

We should have known that
a friend of James' wasn't
going to be an explorer.

The worst thing that happened
is a daffodil fell out of her
bicycle basket and she pan...

"Oh, this is terribly rough.
It's absolutely awful."

(SONG PLAYING)

RICHARD: As we headed out
into the countryside,

we hoped the roads
would get worse...

But no.

Hello. Bonjour.

They're all looking at me and
thinking, "What, is he mad?"

Look at that lovely road.

What were we thinking?

We took off-roading advice
from Jane Austen.

"Oh, James,
I went to Madagascar

and the roads were nothing
like they are in Devon."

Bonjour. Please,
stop building roads!

-(TOOTS OF HORN)
-No more road surface.

Oh, God.

We've completely overdone
our cars.

They look good.

But they're not necessary
and nor is the journey.

70% of
the Madagascan population

exists on
less than a dollar a day.

So if there were a seven-foot
golden cross studded with
rubies buried somewhere,

I'm fairly confident someone
would have found it by now.

Oh, and another thing:
buried treasure...
in all of human history,

not a single ounce of buried
treasure has ever been found,
ever.

As I complained about our
mission, the road did
suddenly get rougher.

Oh, yeah, that is a pothole.

That is a definitely
a pothole and that's
another one...Ooh.

O-K.

RICHARD: In the Ford tech...

I thought my mods would shine
in this new rough terrain.

Sadly, however...

Ow.

Slight hitch here.

I put my car on tracks,

but what I'm having trouble
with is the little wheels
inside the tracks

that keep...
Well, they're coming off

because we're driving on
a hard road

and these hard edges of
the potholes smash them off.

The simple fact is,
these tracks,
brilliant as they are,

are made for use on mud
and snow.

Off road. Not Tarmac.

(THUD)

RADIO: Hammo,
you've lost another one.

Oh, God.

JAMES: In the Caterham,
it wasn't just the potholes
that were annoying...

-(THUDS)
-Oh! Oh!

It was so dusty,
it felt like I was driving
in a hot Hoover bag.

(COUGHS) Ugh,
dust and stuff getting
in my eyes is appalling.

I'm gonna have to
find some goggles.

JEREMY: Life in the Bentley,
however, was fine.

I'm starting to really
like this car.

Now it's got a bit of mud
on it,

it's starting to look like
an MFB and in case
you don't know what MFB is,

it's what Samuel L Jackson
would call his Bentley
if he had one.

Properly pretty villages.

Melon shop.

Melons, melons, melons.

Numberplate shop.

That is a shop where you can
get numberplates made up.

Wasn't expecting that.

I also wasn't expecting to
find an agreeable
seaside hotel,

where, a bit later,
a dusty and grimy May chose
not to join me for lunch.

Great.

Now the pool's
got a muddy dog in it.

RICHARD: I, meanwhile,
was starting to worry
that in this heat on Tarmac,

my little plastic wheels
would be starting to warp.

So when I got to the hotel,
I also didn't join Jeremy
for lunch.

I need to find a way
of cooling them.

Build a cooling system
out here with nothing.

And what I do in situations
like this is think to myself,
"What would Bear Grylls do?"

Having scoured the shoreline
for nature's raw materials,
I set to work.

Well, fingers crossed.

Here's what I've done.

Luckily I've found these
completely full office
water cooler bottles

that had been washed up.

Along with this nylon rope
that had also been washed up.

And along with them
I found these lengths
of clear hose.

I've attached them
to the car,

some cable ties
had washed up.

And down here at the bottom
it can deliver a life-saving
trickle of cooling water.

It may not look pretty
but it'll work.

And as
Bear Grylls himself says,

"Improvise, adapt, survive."

JEREMY: Sadly,
Hammond's modifications
had taken so long,

it was too late in the day
to move on.

And anyway,
May was busy carpet-bombing
the code with his OCD.

Here's something very
interesting I learned today.

I was next to a shop watching
a man count his water melons

and we would count one, two,

three, four, five like that.

But he was going one,
two, three, four, five,

which is exactly
what appears on there.

So that might be a letter
but it might be two.

Some of those symbols might
be numbers, they might be
compass bearings,

they might be numbers
of paces from a tree,
something like that.

Some of the bits
that appear to be
gibberish...

JEREMY: The next day,
as the sun rose on this
little-known paradise,

we were back on the move.

So, May,
have you cracked the code?

Nope.

Predictable.

RICHARD: Still, at least my
cooling system was working.

Water delivered, life saved.

Thank you, Bear Grylls.

(LIVELY CHATTER)

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHS) My car is amusing.

Clearly, though,
it was the MFB that was
causing more of a stir.

(LAUGHS)

Then we came across something
that wasn't so cheerful.

(WOMAN SPEAKS LOCAL LANGUAGE)

JEREMY:
That woman is in the stocks.

She's actually got
wooden handcuffs on.

(HORN TOOTING)

RICHARD: Chaps, this Tarmac
road has finally run out.

But it's kind of run out
completely.

-What do you mean?
-There's no road at all.

This looks like a ferry.

Once on board,
I noticed Jeremy had got
himself a new number plate.

I just can't work it out,
"MFB".

Must Fondle Buttocks?

Middle Aged... Hm.

Hang on.

JEREMY: When the ferry
docked on the other bank...

...it was like we'd gone
back 200 years.

I'm going full goggles.

JEREMY: Bloody hell!

Yeah, this is quite bad now,
I'll admit.

RICHARD: Swim, swim, swim.

JEREMY: Finally,
the modifications
we'd made to our cars

were coming into their own.

The MFB is through!

Four-wheel drive rugging
me out of that one.

RICHARD:
Now, this is more like it.

This is what I built
my car for.

Tracks won't be getting
too hot. I'm cooling them
in the water.

JEREMY: How's it going
in the Sherman?

RICHARD: Honestly,
it's a walk in the park.
What about you?

It's a bit squeaky.
But it keeps going.

But what I'd love to know
is what's happening
in the Caterham.

(CHUCKLES)

JAMES: Oh, Jesus!

Urgh!

That is turds! Jesus!

Ohh, the water's like a bath
that someone's had
diarrhoea in.

Oh, Jesus!

Bollocks!

Aargh!

Argh!

Oh, shitty death.

I'll just adjust the
temperature down to...

22 degrees, I think,
would be better.

Adjust the lumbar support
using this button down here.

Meanwhile, in the Ford...

Motor's OK,
temperature's good.

I can't tell you
how easy this is on my car.

-(HEAVY THUD)
-Ooh!

Ohh, that's a big rock
at the bottom of that puddle.

JEREMY: Luckily for Hammond,
we were running alongside
a beach.

So I suggested
we use that instead.

Have we finally found
a terrain where
those tracks work?

(CHUCKLES)

Yeah, we're looking
good here.

It's gonna be brilliant,
this car.

These are teething problems.
I'm doing something new here.

I'm literally reinventing
the wheel, and, you know...

(HEAVY THUD)

Oh.

(HANDBRAKE ON)

Ohh.

Argh! (YELLS)

Oh, good. Here comes
a gloating orangutan.

JEREMY: What's happened?

Oh, I know!

Even I, with my
limited knowledge,
is able to work out

that's not right.

It's not, is it?

JEREMY:
To cheer Hammond up,

I decided to give him
a small present.

You've got a number plate
as well.

-"Fury" as in Fury?
-As in the tank.

-For my car? That is--
-Yes.

-So you can put "Fury" on it.
-Oh, I say!

-It doesn't actually mean
that here, exactly.
-What's it mean here?

Well, the Ygrec, the Y,
means "lady parts".

So what that actually says is
"Furry lady parts."

But, for you,
it means "fury".

You're Brad Pitt in a tank -
pirate tank.

At that moment,
Giorgio Armani arrived.

Look at the state of you.
Have you had a trouser
accident?

I was actually underwater
at one point.

JEREMY: Oh, that's
a disgusting place to sit.

Is that...
Can you not drive like that?

No. (CHUCKLES)

JAMES:
How did you do that?

It took me a lot of attempts
cos I wanted to do that.

JEREMY: Having wasted an
eternity watching Brad Pitt
do his repairs,

we finally got back
on the move.

I wonder why Formula 1 teams
don't use tracks, Hammond,

if you can change them
in just three hours?

(LAUGHS)

JEREMY: For James,
the misery continued.

How much more of this
is there?

Oh, Jesus!

JEREMY: Things were so bad,
that at the next ferry
crossing,

it looked like he was going
to try and make the far bank
without a boat.

(JEREMY LAUGHS)

-Wouldn't you?
-Yeah, I would.

If somebody said to me,
"Yes, there are sharks
in there,"

I'd still say,
"I don't care."

It's on!

JEREMY: As we left the ferry,
James was much happier
and cleaner.

I'm feeling pretty good now.

(ENGINE REVVING)

-(PEOPLE LAUGHING)
-Give me strength!

(LAUGHS)
Look at him!

Oh, it's the little things
in life that I treasure.

We thought at this point the
road couldn't get any worse.

And then...it did.

Right, so this terrain now
is soft sand.

And puddles.

I haven't tried this yet.

Maybe this is where
I will shine.

JEREMY:
Hammond was optimistic.

But in the three-ton Bentley,
I wasn't.

Jesus,
I'm gonna get stuck here.

Come on.

(HEAVY THUD)

Right,
I'm completely beached.

Your car not up to the job,
is that what you're saying?

JEREMY: Luckily
I could winch myself out,

using Brad and his pirate
tank as a ground anchor.

Why am I feeding out
his winch cable?

Why didn't...

-I'll just do your winch.
-Ready.

(WHIRRING)

Have you ever seen the like?

Yeah.

RICHARD: What's happening
here is, I'm moving to you.

That's not supposed
to happen, is it?

RICHARD:
You need to put it in drive.
-Oh, sorry.

(WHIRRING)

MFB...

Massive Fat...

(HEAVY THUD)

Can I just say...
my friend Mary...

-Yes?
-...was right.

Well, this isn't technically
a road, we're on a beach.

The roads were fine.

You said the worst roads
she'd ever seen.

I thought the roads
were fine.

What's happened is,
the roads have finished.

Chaps, are you interested
in treasure or not?

£100 million worth,
available this way.

How far is this place?

We don't know. Libertalia -
it doesn't exist, anyway.

-It does exist.
-It doesn't exist!

Well, it did.
They wrote about it.

Well, they wrote about
Narnia.
Doesn't mean it existed.

We continued our journey
on what is genuinely

Madagascar's equivalent
of the M1.

Oh, Christ!

Can't see a thing.

May can't be doing this
with only two-wheel drive,
it's not possible.

JAMES: But thanks
to its lightness,

the plucky little Caterham
was ploughing on.

Mind the grit. There it is.

Bonjour.

It was Hammond, though,
who had the most reason
to celebrate.

RICHARD: Finally, we've
found what it's good at.

(CACKLES)

This thing is unstoppable!

(HEAVY THUD)

Oh, my giddy aunt.

It looks like a wheelchair
that's fallen down
a flight of stairs.

Yeah, it's bad.

OK.

What would you like me
to do about that?

What are you in a position
to do about that?

JEREMY: Having thought
about it for a long time,

I decided the answer
was nothing.

So I left him to it...

This is the tensioner
assembly that sits
at the back of the track.

...and set off with James
into the night.

JAMES:
Oh, it's getting worse.

(HEAVY THUD)

Ohh, (BLEEP) me,
that was uncomfortable!

We were only 40 miles
from Libertalia,

this place that only exists
in Richard Hammond's
colouring-in books.

So we figured we'd just keep
on taking the punishment.

If you've just joined us,
James May is covered
in human excrement.

From behind,
your hair looks...

It's like
Trevor McDonald's hair.

It is actually a single
entity. It's a new type
of molecule.

(LAUGHS)

Would you like me
to give you a little push?

JAMES: Yeah, try it,
a little nudge.

Here I come. I shall try
to be gentle, James May.

(HEAVY THUD)

-(ENGINE REVVING)
-Oh, thanks!

JAMES: Jeremy and I
battled on for another
two brutal hours...

Please make it stop.

Just stop.

...until we arrived at
another ferry crossing.

Sadly, however...

Everything was as bad
as it could possibly be

and now it's worse.

The ferry's engine's broken.

But they have said that James
and I can pull it across.

I mean...

They obviously looked at us
and thought,
"Yeah, they're athletes."

-Oh, this is a nice rope.
-(GRUNTS) Isn't it?

God, heave!

Agh. Oh, my back!

(GROANS)

JAMES: As we pulled ourselves
along, I suddenly had
a thought about Hammond.

-If we go over there
and get off...
-Yeah?

...it's not gonna be on the
right side when he arrives.

Yeah, but that's
not our problem.

You're absolutely right
it isn't.

RICHARD: Several miles back,
having bodged a repair,

I was now back in the game.

Gingerly does not cover...

...how carefully
I'm driving this thing.

-(THUD)
-Ohh. Rock in there.

(CLATTERING)

It feels like it's tearing
itself to pieces.

JEREMY:
After 16 hours on the move,

James and I still had
a steely determination

to keep going
to journey's end.

Our willpower
was bulletproof.

We would not be distracted
from the job in hand.

Oh, a hotel. Hotel, look.

JAMES: Does it say "bar"?

"Hotel restaurant open."

That'll do.

Oh, my God.

That is deep.

Back in my world,
things were getting worse.

One of the crew cars had
provided a stark reminder

of what could happen
if you strayed even
slightly off the track.

-Oh! That's grim.
-(HEAVY THUD)

Oh.

And on top of that,
my car felt like it
was disintegrating.

-(RATTLING)
-That rattling noise.

Is that the bearing
on that side?

Oh! Oh, Lord.

Consequently, my nerves
were shot when, at three
in the morning...

I arrived at
the river crossing...

...to find the ferry
was on the other bank.

Oh, the (BLEEP) bastards!

-Oh!
-(CLATTERING)

I would therefore have
to row over to get it back.

This is shit!

Everything's shit!

And this (BLEEP) canoe
doesn't work!

(GRUNTS)

JEREMY: The next morning,
Richard Hammond was in
a bit of a mood.

Was it difficult?

JEREMY: I, on the other hand,
was very happy.

Because,
after a refreshing shave,

I noticed there was a marked
difference between my living
conditions in the Bentley...

Showroom fresh.

...and May's in the Caterham.

Your car looks like
Teddy Kennedy's car
after Chappaquiddick.

(HAIR TRIMMER BUZZES)

As I went back to my
grooming, the sulky Brummie
finally spoke.

I don't particularly want
to talk to either of you.

But here's to explain why
there may be another
opportunity to abandon me.

-You know I've got problems
at the front end?
-Yes.

I have significant problems
at the back.

Both of the rear
trailing arms are snapped.

Snapped?

Gone, broken.

JAMES:
It's well thought out, this.

Which means at any point,

the whole back end of my car
could collapse inward,

possibly firing one of these
under the car and throwing it
on its roof.

In fairness, we won't see
that cos we'll be at least
20 miles ahead.

(SNIGGERING)

I'd love to offer you a lift.

I only give lifts to people
who haven't pulled my battery
isolator switch out.

I'm very tempted to pull your
battery isolator switch off
your car and swallow it.

And then give it back to you
probably in ten minutes'
time.

You think I'd notice
on that car?

JEREMY: Mercifully,
the road that morning
was much smoother.

And we were surrounded
by Madagascar

at its absolute vibrant best.

I'm not really looking where
I'm going cos of that view.

That's green.

We don't have anything
that green in Europe.
Look at it.

Soon we arrived
at a much bigger ferry

that would take us on
a short hop up the coast.

JAMES: Slightly more
impressive boat
than last night.

This one appears
to have an engine.

-And be here.
-Ooh!

JEREMY: When we reached
our destination, however,
there was a problem.

(CLANKING)

Argh.

There was no way of driving
off the beach where we landed

until low tide.

So to kill the time, James
went back to codebreaking.

Hammond and I, meanwhile,
realised that in conditions
as harsh as these...

...survival would be tough.

We'd need food.

So he began with
a Bear Grylls hostile
environment classic -

the improvised beach oven.

When you've finished
digging your pit,

line it with some of
the rocks, about half.

And I'm gonna light a fire
on top of these rocks.

I could light a fire in any
one of a number of ways -

a piece of broken glass
from the sea, focused light
from the sun onto a leaf...

I'm gonna ask the crew
for a lighter.

There. It's working.

As Bear Grylls says,
three words in survival.

First-class travel and
five-star accommodation
or I won't do it.

JEREMY: The second basic
principle of survival is
hydration.

So I set about
finding fluids.

A lot of survivalists
will tell you...

that when you're thirsty, you
should drink your own piss.

But I say no to that.
I say...

Go into the jungle
and find fruit.

And drink that instead.

It tastes nicer
and it does you more good.

Look.

Coconuts.

This is a rotten one
that's fallen down.

I'm gonna try and get a fresh
one by throwing this at it.

Right, my rocks are hot.

Which means
we're ready to get cooking.

So, take your fish
that you caught earlier -

that bit's not difficult,
that's the sea.

You wrap the fish in leaves.

Tie it off and now transfer
the fish to your beach oven.

(WINCES) Hot, hot!

Bury the fish,

to contain all that heat
in our oven
that we built earlier.

Two hours from now,
that is gonna be...

...a cooked fish.

JEREMY: Having finally
hit a coconut...

Yes! Ho-ho-ho! Yes!

...I went in search
of bananas.

Oh, yeah. Yes, yes, yes.

Shit!

OK.

And eventually, our survival
rations came together.

-Banana daiquiri.
-Really?

Yeah, banana,
coconut milk and rum.

Fantastic! Where did you
get the rum from?

-Back of the Bentley.
-Oh, clever!

JEREMY: Mm.

You can survive surprisingly
well with a Bentley.

-This is very good,
by the way.
-Thank you.

I've said it before.
Just because
it's a survival situation,

doesn't mean
we have to eat like animals.

Standards.

That's not bad.

It's very good, well done.
That is survival.

JEREMY: Back on the boat,
there was more joy.

James was actually
getting somewhere.

Where are we?

Yes!

Yes, yes, yes!

Ohh.

What I've found is the name
of the place where the
treasure must be buried.

And it's on the map.
Let me tell you how I did it.

It's incredible.

La Buse was a pirate.
Two things:

he wouldn't write this and
tell you where the treasure
was in the first line.

He's gonna play with your
mind and tell you down here
somewhere.

So I started
down in the last four lines,

I thought, "That's
where it's gonna be."

And then I discovered a name
that was as clear as day.

And I thought, "That sounds
like the name of a place."

Seranambe - and there it is.

Look, it's very small.

Can you see it? I've
scribbled on it in my
excitement. Seranambe.

That's where it is.

All we have to do now is work
out where in Seranambe
to dig.

That's the best thing
that's ever happened to me.

JEREMY: So James
had cracked the code

and Hammond and I had
learned an important lesson

about surviving on nothing
but poached fish and several
banana daiquiris.

Remember...

adapt.

-You've forgotten.
-Improvise, yes.

-(LAUGHS)
-Improvise. I've remembered.

-Adopt.
-No.

Adapt.

-Improvise.
-Survive.

That's what we're gonna do.

RICHARD: The next day,
with the daiquiris out of
our system,

we drove off the beach to
find we were in Libertalia.

And tantalisingly close
to the village James
had identified.

We know where we're going.

And it's 15 miles away.

In 45 minutes, we will be
deep in pirate country,
digging for treasure.

We'll get there. You two go
and establish there's no
golden crucifix with rubies

and I'll find a dribble
of wi-fi and book
some flights home.

If you want to rule yourself
out of mind-blowing wealth,
fine.

There won't be any wealth.

You're in for a terrible
disappointment.

I'm in pirate country,
that's what I'm in.

(LAUGHTER)

You're all right.

James, you're
not even looking!

JEREMY: I had to admit
one thing about this
so-called Libertalia.

It wasn't bad-looking.

If pirates were here,
and it's possible...

They were here.

-I can see why
they'd choose it.
-It's gorgeous.

If you sail the world,
pulling in at places like...

JAMES: Southampton.

-Bristol.
-Southampton...

and then you go to Calais,

you'd go, "Do you know..."

Yeah, it's all right,
isn't it?

"I'll do some pirating here."

JEREMY: Everything is just
ridiculously perfect.

RICHARD: That was
a blissful interlude, that.

Travelling silently across...

No Ford key. Oh, no.

No, he hasn't?

He bloody has.

James May, have you done
what I think you've done?

He's taken the key.

James!

Damn it!

James!
Give me my key fob.

It's like a little magic
trick. You've got to find it
in the shop.

-You utter--
-It's in the shop.

Come on! Not another...

(LAUGHS)

Leaving Hammond
to look for his keys...

Why are we playing
parlour games now?

...James and I set off on the
short drive to the imaginary
treasure village.

(VILLAGERS CLAMOURING)

(LAUGHTER)

Again, it's the funniest car
in the world.

The road is smooth.

Gonna be there by 11:00.

Sadly, however,
the road had other ideas.

(ENGINE REVVING)

The Madagascans
call this the RN5.

JAMES: Christ, this is
proper rock crawl.

JEREMY:
But there's a better name.

Hell.

JAMES: Right, what do I do?

I can't decide.
I can't decide.
I'm gonna go that way.

-(HEAVY THUD)
-Oww!

Oww! Oww! Oww!

(THUDDING AND CLANKING)

The problem is,
I can't see the road ahead.

The bonnet is just
like a football pitch.

It's like a fat man
trying to look at his penis.

Ohh! Crike all bloody mighty!

RICHARD: Having found
my keys, I was now wishing
I hadn't.

Oh, my God.

What I'm gonna try and do
is get it up and out of
these ruts.

It might mean
some unusual angles at times.

Come on, little pirate.
Keep pushing.

(CLANKING)

Urgh!

Oh, shit.

I daren't look.

Aargh!

The track was
completely mangled.

And as a result...

Votre voiture,
c'est...là-bas, oui?

...I was now blocking
the road.

I think what's happening here
is people are getting
a bit cross.

I'm holding them all up,
there's obviously
a traffic jam building.

This is the Route Nationale,
it's the main road.

The mainest of main roads.

On the plus side,
silver lining and all that,
I met an actual pirate.

However, having chatted
to him for a bit...

Un petit plus lentement,
s'il vous plaît. Français...

...I realised I couldn't
have been more wrong.

I've discovered something.

This guy's getting
married today.

It's his wedding.
That's what all this is.

He's not dressed as a pirate.

He's a groom.

And I was holding up him
and his entire wedding party.

Oh, God!

Meanwhile, up ahead...

OK, I admit it. This is the
worst road in the world ever.

Mary was correct.

Mary will probably
turn out to be a prop forward

who drives a JCB for fun
at weekends.

(THUDDING AND CLANKING)

Gaargh,
that is a horrible noise!

JEREMY:
I think this is impossible.

I mean, we need some blasting
equipment to get through
here.

If you come round this way,
you can see from down here,

there's no way in hell you
can get a Bentley up that.

Sadly, James and I didn't
have any blasting equipment.

So we had to do
something radical.

Work together.

Tiny bit of left-hand down.
Now you'll have to go for it.

Please!

JAMES: Gently. There you go.

JEREMY: As we were
struggling with the terrain,

our colleague was having to
deal, in bad French, with his
held-up wedding party.

Je m'excuse.

Maintenant, je...aller...

Je vais... And you can do
the same. Sorry.

To speed things up,
I decided to ditch the tracks

and put the focus
back on wheels.

And because they wanted
to get to the church on time,

the groom and his mates
were more than happy to help.

More wedding people.

JEREMY: Up ahead,
our cars were still taking
the punishment.

(REVVING AND CLUNKING)

JEREMY: How in the bloody
hell is it doing this?

You are watching a Bentley
Continental coming up here.

Woo-hoo!

JAMES: However,
the big surprise of the day

was the two-wheel-drive
Caterham.

Get up there, car.
Come on. Go on.

Is that wheel up in the air?

Jesus, it did it.

Did you see that?
It did it.

This is a track car.
It's a racing car.

-(CLUNK)
-Can I just
remind you of that?

RICHARD: At this point,
I'd held up the wedding
party for two hours.

But, by using calmness
and patience...

...I'd been able
to get the wheels on...

Merci.

Sorry.

...get out of
everyone's way...

...and then get back
on the move.

Oh!

My big problem now,
ground clearance.
I haven't got any.

(SCRAPING)

It's basically
a standard Focus RS.

(CLUNKING)

Oh! (BLEEP)

JEREMY: Up ahead, the road's
surface hadn't changed,

but it had got narrower.

So I had to use an ingenious
traffic management solution

developed by the locals.

So your job, you run ahead
to stop the cars?

-Yes. Stop the cars.
Yes, that's my job.
-And that's your job.

(OVER RADIO)
I've just met a young guy

who's going to run
ahead of us

to stop cars coming
the other way.

What does he do if there are
cars coming the other way?

He stops them in a place where
we can get past, you mean?

Exactly.

He organises cars
to meet at the right place.

It worked. Running Boy,
as he called himself,

did a brilliant job
of managing the traffic.

Yes, what...
This is a service I like.

I'm going to give him
a lot of money because
he's bloody earned it.

My tight-fisted colleague,
however,

hadn't bothered to do a deal
with my new friend.

So he was encountering
oncoming traffic...

Jeez.

...in all the wrong places.

(HORN HONKING)

I can't go backwards.

I can't ba...
I can't reverse.

I'd have to reverse
for about four miles.

JEREMY:
James is a stubborn man

but in the face of
this much opposition,

he had to resort to
bad English and his winch.

Strap on the tree.

This... (WHOOSHES)

You drive.

Get out and help me.
(WHOOSHES)

JAMES: Higher.
Round the branch.

With the strap attached,
I winched away.

(WHIRRING)

Whoop!

Good?

-Good?
-(WHIRRING)

Can you get through?

Well done!

Oi!

(CLUNKING)

RICHARD: Several miles back,

the Ford, incredibly,
was still going.

Come on.

Gee! Bloody... (LAUGHS)

There we go. Good car.

But I was struggling.

I'd been on the go
for ten hours

and as I was heading
for another late night,

I decided to stop
and grab something to eat.

We've been given these
emergency ration packs.

So, what I do is,
take the top off there

and that's the food
which is, I don't know,
beans and sausages.

That goes in there.

And then I add
a little drop of water.

I presume this triggers some
sort of chemical reaction

with whatever it is
in the little bag of stuff.

I don't think that's working.

There's no heat. I'd get more
out of a hand warmer.

Oh, wait a minute,
it's inflating.

Oh! Oh, no! Oh, my God.

-Oh! No, there's...
-(STEAM HISSING)

Ahh! Ah!

Argh!

It's O... Oh!
Oh, that's so hot!

Ah! Burning my balls! Ow!

(CLUNKING)

JAMES: As Hammond
cooked his testicles,

we were still on the move.

Just.

We still have
about nine miles to go.

I could crawl it faster
than we're going.

(CLUNKING)

Yeah. Go...

Clarkson, stop. There's a man
here with parts of your car.

-(CLUNKING)
-Whoa.

Move. Come on, Bentley.
Come on, Bentley!

It's getting dark.
It's gonna go dark.

JEREMY: I can't believe it.
We're not going to make
this bloody town tonight.

How can we fail to do
15 miles in a day?

I can't drive like this.

There aren't enough
lights in the world
to illuminate this horror.

JAMES:
So, we stop to make camp,

leaving Hammond out there
with nothing but four wheels

and his scalded balls.

Go on, keep pushing. Go on.

RICHARD: Thanks to
the toughness of the Focus,

and a little help
from the locals,

I was amazingly
still in the game.

Oh, that was quite rugged.

The going was getting
tougher and tougher.

But I was determined
that the little Ford and I
would make it.

-(THUD)
-Oh, you (BLEEP).

(RICHARD GROANS)

Come on, clear that, go on.

Yeah.

But then...

(CLUNKING)

-(CLATTERING)
-Oh, shit. Hold on. Hold on.

Oh, shit.

My clutch has just gone.

Yep. I don't have a clutch.

Pedal's stuck down.

(EXHALES)

Fuck.

(BLEEP)

I'm done.

That's it. It's a clutch.
I can't mend the clutch.

The clutch is a clutch and I
haven't got a spare one.

It is finished. It ends.

It's dead.

This was the first time ever

we'd lost a car
on one of our adventures.

But, there was no time
to mourn

because as the sun rose
the next morning,

we were on the road early,

eager to cover the last
few miles to James's village.

I like walking,
but in the Lake District.

There's proper weather there.

All right, mate.

Have you seen how well
my car does this stuff?

JEREMY:
Once again, Running Boy
was out doing his thing.

-Oh, look at this.
-(HE LAUGHS)

Thank you so much. Thank you.

Merci bien. Merci.

And, once again, Captain
Stubborn hadn't paid him.

(HORN HONKING)

Can you back up a bit?

No, no, no, no.
If you just back up a bit.

JAMES: Oi!

Oi!

-(THUD)
-Oh!

JEREMY: Then,
as we inched our way along,

the big bruiser
finally stumbled.

Uh, temperature gauge
is climbing, climbing.

It's now in the red.
I'm gonna have to stop.

(HISSING)

The trouble is,
there are eight radiators
in this thing.

I can't even see.
I can't get at anything.

JAMES: While my colleague
tried to fix his engine
by staring at it,

I was arriving
at our destination,

the village of Seranambe...

(CHATTER AND LAUGHTER)

Hello.

...where I'd crack
the last part of the code

and find the treasure.

In the cryptogram,
there is an X.

It's obviously not
"X marks the spot".

That would be too obvious.

And, after it,
there are distances, which
I'm gonna assume are paces,

not miles or kilometres
or anything like that.

But I don't know what the...

I don't know
what the X means.

I mean, if he's talking
about buildings,
they'll have all gone.

The trees will
all be different.

Only geographical features
will be the same

and this is just flat.

JEREMY: Back at the Bentley,
the news was not good.

I removed the entire front
of the car and I found this.

It's a part of
the cooling system

and the end's come off.

The fact of the matter
is this.

If I can't get
that hose repaired,

it's game over for the MFB.

JAMES:
By contrast, in the village,
things were looking up.

Wait a minute.

No, wait a minute.

It's the church.

Churches are always built on
the same spot, aren't they?

So the "X" is actually
a badly-drawn cross.

So from X, the crucifix,
it turns out, that's there,

north, that'll be
magnetic north, 120 paces,

that's where the treasure is.

After I'd found the spot...

117, 118, 119, 120. There.

...Hammond arrived.

So we broke out the shovels
and he started to dig.

-So where do you think he is?
-Who?

Jeremy.

Well, he was behind me about
two kilometres up the hill

-outside the town.
-Yeah.

And then I sort of lost
radio contact with him.

And I haven't heard
from him since.

-(RATCHET CLICKING)
-This isn't...

Oh, this is never gonna work.

No, the end's come off.
The end's come off that now.

Why doesn't it...?
Why is everything breaking?

Oh, God-all-bloody-mighty.

JAMES: there are two reasons
why we don't need him.
-Yeah?

-One is, he doesn't believe
in buried treasure.
-Yeah.

And the other is, he's not
gonna do any digging, is he?

And the other is,
treasure goes a lot further
split two ways.

-Exactly.
-It's 50 million each.

It's 49 and a half million.
We'll have to leave
a bit for the crew.

JEREMY:
Sadly for James and Richard,

two hours later, they were
back to a three-way split.

What in the name of all
that's holy is going on here?

-It's not here, is it?
JAMES: How do you know?

-Because it isn't here.
-It's not here yet.

We'd have found it by now.
They didn't build
the Channel Tunnel, did they?

-Ahem.
-RICHARD: Oh, hello.

JAMES: Where the bloody
hell have you been?

I have been giving myself
dirty fingernails.

-Oh, dear.
-Why?

Well, I've been fitting my
bonnet with the Madagascar
pack, but never mind that.

Why have you two dug a hole

in the middle of this pretty
little town's football pitch?

Because this is where
the treasure is.

-Is the treasure buried here?
-No.

Right, well,
on that terrible,

but entirely predictable
disappointment,
it's time to...

-Um, actually...
-It's not time to end,
apparently. Why? What?

You know
that island down there?
We passed it yesterday.

Yeah?

Did you know it's actually
called Pirate Island?

And it makes sense,
if you think about it,

that he wouldn't have hid
the treasure on Madagascar,
where it could be found.

He'd have hidden it in secret
on Pirate Island.

So, that's probably where
it is, innit? Think about it.

How long have you known

that that island
was called Pirate Island?

(EXHALES) Always.

JEREMY: Fearing that
the village football team
might be a bit annoyed,

we decided
to get out of town, fast.

(REVVING)

Go on, get that up!

Come on!

Come on! Run it up!

TM-19032, this is James.
Your man is taking beer
off the boat.

The beer is supposed
to go on the boat.

JEREMY: Whilst Roger the
Cabin Boy and Seaman Staines
got ready to sail,

I paid Running Boy,
gave him some new shoes...

Yes? Bon?

...and then rushed
to the boat myself.

RICHARD: Finally.

Oh, good, they've ruined
the football pitch and now
they've ruined the beach.

Is this the same boat
we used the other day?

Yes, I've chartered it,
it's ours.

With the entire crew
loaded on board,
and May's booze lorries,

I decided
to give him a present

appropriate for someone
who'd just ruined the town's
only sports venue.

It's a number plate
and it's magic, OK?

JAMES: Is it?
-No, it is, it's magic.

To the ladies and gentlemen
at home, it's pixilated.

It's only visible
to the naked eye.

RICHARD: Ooh, that's
quite a strong message.

I mean, obviously you can't
read it, because as I say,
it's magic.

We can see exactly
what it says and it...

That's when it's stationary.
Does it still work
if it moves?

Let's test how good it is
as magic.

(RICHARD CHUCKLES)

But the editor
of the programme

says, "Please don't put it
on your car,"

cos he can't pixelate...
(LAUGHS)

Because we can't
afford to pixilate
the rest of the film.

-Yes, OK. Understood.
-But you can put it
on your office desk.

-Yes.
-Can we get this ramp up,
and get... Guys.

-Can we get the ramp up
and go?
-Yes.

-OK, ramp up, please.
-(BELL RINGS)

JEREMY: As we'd be
out at sea for a while,

Richard broke out
his research books.

And here we are.

Olivier Levasseur, La Buse.

There's the cross.
There it actually is.

A picture of the cross
on his ship.

JEREMY:
Meanwhile, May and I sat down

for a look back
at what we'd achieved.

Have you gone
fully Bear Grylls?

Is that your own urine?

No, no, no, no. It's Chablis.

(LAUGHS) Anyway...

In less than a week,

we have managed to cover
a staggering 139 miles.

And our cars...

Well, two of our cars
are still running.

Phenomenal achievement,
really.

That isn't even a car,
really.

That is a track-day toy.

-That's a racing car.
-It is.

And all I've done
is put some big tyres on it.

I'll tell you what driving
the Bentley's like off road.

It's just this sense
of immenseness.

It's like being at the birth
of a world in there.

There's a sense of
enormous power going on.

Of biblical happenings.

Whereas yours is just this
little insect hopping about.
Or a goat.

No, I'll tell you
what mine is like.

What it's like
being in the Caterham.

It's like being invited to
the football World Cup final

and they've given you
a special seat

and it's inside the ball.

(LAUGHS WHEEZILY)

I'd rather be
at the birth of a world.

In control of
the birth of a world.

You are not in control,
you're just inside a football
being kicked about.

Whereas I am in control.

Right, we're gonna have
a continent here

and we'll have
some tides on the moon.

You know, we'll get
that going around,
it'll be fantastic.

And then we'll have
some tectonic plates.

That's not really
what happens
at the birth of a world.

-Yes, it is.
-No, it isn't.

Somebody doesn't
sit there planning it.

But the fact is, your car,
it is disgusting, James.

I can see germs
coming out of it.

When you drove through
a lake of human effluent,
you were covered in it.

When I drove through
the human effluent,

my front window
went a bit brown momentarily

and then that was
the end of that.

I was back to my
air-conditioned splendour.

-That's why mine's better.
-Your car's not better.

I've got a spotless shirt on.

-But that's not
the objective.
-Yes, it is.

The objective
is not to be spotless,

it is to find treasure
in Madagascar.

-There isn't any treasure.
-You don't know that.

-I do know that. OK.
-How do you know that?

(CONVERSATION FADES)

I used to do this as a kid,
but that'd be my teacher
on the plank.

Now there's someone
even better.

Arr!

Arr. (CACKLES LIKE A PIRATE)

JEREMY: Soon Pirate Island
hoved into view

and we prepared to disembark.

Clarkson!

Where are my shoes?

JEREMY: Having reached land,
James and I experienced
a strange sensation.

Holy mother of God,
it's a road!

Nice, isn't it?
It's like coming back inside
and standing on the carpet.

Along with the Tarmac,
there was also
a mobile phone signal,

electricity and many shops.

That is an actual restaurant.

James and Richard
could go and dig a big hole

in the kitchen of
the restaurant, perhaps.

Put him out of business.

Why would you not do that?

Roger the Cabin Boy,
meanwhile,

had found some transport.

(HORN TOOTING)

Yep, I've ended up
in a tuk tuk

but it's no ordinary tuk tuk.
It's got a pirate on it.

-(THUDDING)
-Oh, yes.

It's a great ride as well.

As Hammond bought
stupid souvenirs...

It's a bit more "Arr",
a bit more piratey.

...I found a hotel

so May could get back
to code cracking.

And in the morning,
we set off with James
still believing

the locals were
laughing at his car...

not him.

(CHILDREN LAUGHING)

Now, I had a bit of
a breakthrough
last night, viewers.

The cryptograph,
La Buse's cryptograph,

mentions a Turkish dog,

which doesn't actually mean
a dog from Turkey.

It means a dog with no hair.

And when I looked at
the map of the island,

I realised it looks like
a hairless dog.

And its ear is a beach.
A very distinct beach.

That's where we're going.
That's where I think
the crucifix is buried.

I'm absolutely
convinced of it.

JEREMY: Soon we arrived at
the completely deserted beach

which looked nothing
like a dog's ear,

and immediately
my deluded colleagues
started to talk gibberish.

-So, is this it?
-Yeah, this is it.

-This is where it is?
-And it makes perfect sense,
actually.

-If you're in a cartoon.
-No.

If you're fleeing from
the Royal Navy

and you unload the treasure
and you quickly bury it
before they get to you.

The obvious place to bury it
is on the beach,
cos it's easy to dig.

So we could right now
be standing on it?

-You could be.
-It could be under our feet.

But it could be over there.
This is quite a big crescent,

so I would suggest
we divide it up into three,

make sure
we don't miss any of it.

-So, Hammond,
you take that third.
-Gladly.

I'll go in the middle.
You go down the far end.

Right. Come on, lads.
We've come a long way to do
this, let's get to work.

RICHARD:
Since we were looking for
a 220-pound gold cross,

the best tool for the job
was clearly a metal detector.

I should check it works.

See if it can find
my Swiss hill climb knee.

-(BEEPING AND SQUEALING)
-Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Wooh.

Yep, it definitely works.

It is possible that when
I find it, it'll be grizzly,

because pirates used to,

when they buried
their treasure,

bury a prisoner
on top of it...

...so the ghost
would protect the treasure.

JAMES: Meanwhile,
and as you'd expect,

I was doing things properly.

It's gonna take a long time
to do this beach,

so I'm gonna assemble
four metal detectors

on this rudimentary trailer
that I've put together,

and then I can detect four
times as much beach in one
pass and I can use the car.

JEREMY: Given that we'd be
conducting this fools' errand
in the blazing heat,

I decided my time
would be better spent

building some kind
of shelter.

(WHIRRING)

Excellent, excellent.

JAMES: By late morning, my
treasure-detecting solution
system was finally ready.

Let's do this
in a systematic way.

The great thing about this,
of course,

is that my wheel tracks
will show me which bits
I've already done.

It's a bit like
ploughing a field.

Bugger.

JAMES: Having turned
my treasure-detecting trailer

into a treasure-detecting
sledge, I set off once more.

50 mill.

There's no tax on it,
is there?

JEREMY: By mid-afternoon,

Roger and Seaman were
getting hot and bothered.

Just a beep. Come on, a beep.

But, luckily, my simple
shelter was now finished.

(TINKLING)

Couple of banana daiquiris
I've prepared for you.

RICHARD:
What the hell is this?

I told you I was building
some shelter and I--

-It's a bar.
-Oh, I'm sorry!

I'm sorry that
the bar-shaped shelter

doesn't meet with
your requirements.

-Thank you for the banana
daiquiri, it's excellent.
-Thank you.

But might you make
a bit of effort to help us
achieve our objective?

Which is to find
the Fiery Cross of Goa,

a seven-foot high golden
crucifix studded with rubies.

Shall I tell you exactly
where that is?

Same as every other piece
of looted treasure.

It's in the bowels
of the Vatican.

-No, it isn't.
-Hey, no, it isn't.

And, listen, it was real.
We know that.

The French government
offered La Buse

a pardon for his piracy

if he'd go back to France

and hand over
the fiery cross, and he...

Wait a minute.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.

The French government
did what?

The French government said,
"We'll give you, La Buse,
an amnesty as a pirate

if you'll bring specifically
the fiery cross
back to France."

And he said, "No,"
and hid it. Fact.

These aren't things from
Hammond's books.

These are cross-referenced
primary source pieces
of academic research.

We know it existed
and the evidence says
it's on this beach.

No pirate treasure...
You will agree with this.

No pirate treasure
has ever been found,
buried pirate treasure.

No, that's because
it's still lost.

Tutankhamun hadn't been found
for thousands of years.

-And then it was.
-Exactly.

There's a chance, then,
if I go down there,
I find this cross?

-There's a chance?
-Yes.

If I do a quick search, can I
come back to my shelter?

-Not too quick.
-You got to thorough search.

We've divided the beach up.

-If I do a thorough search,
can I come back to my--
-Yes, yes.

Of course.
If you do a thorough search
and we find it--

We'll celebrate in your bar.

Fair enough. Your arguments
have been persuasive.

We'll meet you
back in your bar.

Yes, in... 20 minutes.

-Nn...
-No, 20 minutes.

-It's a big job.
-I can cover that
in 20 minutes.

So, whilst Hammond and May
got back to finishing off
their sections,

I began on mine.

You do have to be a little
bit careful with this
if you're doing this at home,

trying to find something
in your garden.

Right, this is the fuse wire.

Put one end in there,
like that,

and I light the other end,
and then I have, I'm told,

three minutes to reach
minimum safe distance
in the MFB,

before the explosions begin.

OK.

-(FUSE FIZZING)
-Lovely.

That is not three minutes!
Shit.

Shit. Shit!

Begin!

Ah, I've turned it off!

Ah! Traction control.

-No, no, no!
-(EXPLOSIONS)

Oh, Jesus!

(WIND WHISTLING)

On the plus side, my work
had been extremely thorough.

On the minus side, however...

Find anything?

Not a thing. You?

Nothing. He's only got
that little bit to do.

So there's nothing there.
What about there?

And that's annoying because,
and I'm not making this up,

I have just had this email...

JAMES: Ohh.
-(JEREMY CHUCKLES)

-That's cruel.
-(DETECTOR WHINING)

RICHARD: Ah, chaps.
-What?

(DETECTOR WHINING)

Chaps, there's...

It's... Listen, it's there!

Shovel! Shovel!

-(RICHARD GASPS)
-There's something there.

There.

JEREMY: Jesus. What's that?

What is it?

(HEAVENLY MUSIC)

I think it's the Holy Grail.

JAMES: Oh, cock.

And on that terrible
disappointment,
it is time to end.

No more memories
from your childhood?

-No, I got nothing.
-OK, that is it.

Thank you so much
for watching.

Take care. See you soon.