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[GULLS CAWING]

[BIRDS SQUAWKING]

[PHONE RINGING]

[MACHINE CLICKS]

You've reached The Auk.

We're currently
only accepting reservations
for large parties.

Please leave a message
at the sound of the tone,

and someone
will get back to you.

[MACHINE BEEPS]

WOMAN:
I know you're there, David,
pick up.

[SIGHS]

Well, then you have
to call me.

There are some things
that we have to talk about.

I mean you know that,
and I get the impression
that you're avoiding me.

Well, anyway, call me.
We have to deal with this.

Bye.

I love you, too, Claire.

[SIGN HINGES SQUEAKING]

[SIGHING]

Judas Priest.

The pressure. [SIGHS]

Anyway, I did manage
to clear the obstruction
out of your outlet pipe.

We got a confit de canard
in the oven here, Phonce.

The duck?

Oh, lovely.

You know,
since I ate that here

I'd given thought
to raising ducks.

I swear, Dave, that is
the best duck that I've ever
eaten in my entire life.

[EXCLAIMS]

Mmm! Oh, my God!

With grub like that
on the menu,

they should be
beating the doors down.

Mmm.

1961, Dave?

Well, now,
a little grand for lunch,
don't you think?

What

the hell.

So, any progress on the...

RS...

G?

RSV, Dave.

Yeah. I am very close.

Very close now.

I probably never should
have mentioned to you
in the first place.

I mean, it's strictly
on a need to know basis,
you know what I mean?

What you don't know
won't hurt you kind of thing,
the RSV.

I wouldn't breathe a word,
you know, Phonce.

On my honor.

Dave, if anybody
ever comes down
to the restaurant

and they're asking
unusual questions, right,

no matter
how insignificant
that might seem to you,

you call me up,
all right?

Absolutely.

Strange radio traffic
on the scanner
last night, Dave.

Scanner?

Phonce.

What scanner?

[DAVE GRUNTING]

Phonce, can you
slow up a bit?

[GRUNTING]

We're being
watched, Dave.

Hold on.

See.

Hunters?No, heard no shots.

I see no shell casings.

Maybe it's the boys
from Pushthrough, you know,
casing my place.

No. If they were
gonna knock you over
I would have heard.

I suppose
we should be

concerned.Concerned?

Concerned?

I knew it.

It's the Winnebagos.

They're after the RSV.

Help me with this one, Phonce.

Well, obviously
you're involved now.

I am?

Look.
Come to dinner tonight.

I'll explain everything.

All right, tonight.

Yeah. I'll go tell Deb
you're coming.

Seven o'clock?

Seven is good.

Oh, and the sister-in-law
is in town.

She's a bookish creature.

Dave, good to
have you aboard.

Here, you know,
for dinner.

Oh, I should
open this up, right?
Let him breathe.

Good idea.

It's quite messy
out there.

Yeah. Yeah.

Here you go.

[FOOTSTEPS
DESCENDING A STAIRCASE]

So, you are
the famous Dave.

You ever tasted
wine like that, Deb?

It is lovely, Dave.

Phonce is becoming
a regular connoisseur.

DEB: Mmm-hmm.

It's just wine,
they're all the same.

Oh, my, from the girl
from Gull Tickle.

She been off to Montreal,
and she knows all about
wine now, doesn't she?

It is just wine
after all,

but do you like it?

Deep, penetrating bouquet.

Ripe pinot fruit.

Balanced with
some real terroir.

Earthiness, tar, bacon fat.

It's evocative.
Recalling hardwood forests,
losing one's cherry

at a price...

DEB: Alice.PHONCE:
Don't bite her, Dave boy.

She's saucy by nature.

[CHUCKLES]

Seriously, Dave,
it's beautiful.

I think it's just about
the most beautiful thing
I ever tasted.

So, you are a student

of...

I've applied to
an architecture school.

Waiting to hear.

Oh.

So...Now.

To the business at hand
and to other matters arising.

Sorry?

We're gonna
talk about the RSV.

Of course.

Dave.

I would like to
show you my shed.

Sure.

No, no. We're going to
take the tunnel.

A tunnel?

This is something, Phonce.

Yeah, the Americans
built it during the war.

It was convenience originally
but now with the woods
crawling with Winnebagos

it is
an absolute necessity.

No, I meant...

I meant the lights.

Tsvetkov
Illumination System.

Yury Tsvetkov, Dave,
a partner of mine.

A Bulgarian guy,
he defected at Gander in '89.

He boarded with us
briefly.

Well, I always reckoned
he headed out for California.

How do they work?

It's a mystery to me.

I'll tell you, Dave.

They actually
break the energy equation.

That's right.

You can light
the biggest kind of a room
with a double A battery.

Yeah. Dave.

The strange thing is
you can't read under it.

The words just
float right off the page.

[CHUCKLES]

Okay, come on.

Oh, Dave.

Before we get down
to business...[OPENING BOTTLE]

...I'd like to
ask your opinion
on something.

[POURING WINE]

You've been around, eh?

What do you mean?

I mean
you're a man of the world.

Spent some time
in the big city.

You hung around
with the bohemian crowd.

I suppose.

I don't mean
to imply anything.

Not about to suggest
you had
any intimate knowledge...

What's the question,
Phonce?

Because... [GRUNTS]

I came across this.

I salvaged it,
I guess you could say.

It's an operation
being undertaken at sea.

There are at least 20 more
like this one.

Yes?

And I was wondering...

...is this cocaine,
Dave, or heroin?

Not that I am a drug addict
or even planning on
becoming one.

But...this must be worth
a few dollars, eh?

Christ in heaven.

Then who's been watching you
is the police.

No, no.

I recovered this
over two years ago.

Jesus.

That must be...

Twenty-six pounds.

What do you
want me to do?

Well, you tell me what it is,
how much it's worth
and where we can unload it.

I mean, have you ever
tried cocaine?

No, no, no, no,
never.

Once or twice.

Somebody I knew
had some.

So?

For Christ's sake, Phonce,
I am no expert.
You can throw it in the bay.

People kill
for this stuff.

Well, so,
you don't think
it's really cocaine?

I don't know.

I thought you horked
it up your nose.

It's cocaine.

And you do
put it up your nose.

So, is it any good?

Oh! Oh.

[INHALING NASALLY]

Wow.

[EXHALES]

It's good.
It's good.

May I?

Oh, fill your boots.

[GRUNTS]

[EXHALES]

What I still
don't understand,
Phonce, is

what is an RSV and

why would these
Winnebago people

be interested
in this giant sack?

They're unrelated.

[LAUGHING]

They're totally
unrelated, Dave.

Dave, Dave.

This

is my Recreational
Submarine Vehicle.

Or RSV, for short.

Winnebago.

The recreational
vehicle giant.

I think they mean
to steal my plans.

DAVE: But, Phonce,
do you think
there's a market

for Recreational
Submarine Vehicles?

Rose crested grebe,
my friend.

Rose crested grebe.

So?Nature, old man.

People are going mental
onto nature.

I mean, get geezers
hiding in blinds all day

to get a snap of some bird
that they're not even
gonna eat.

The RSV, once we get
a few windows in,

so people can see
all the little fishies.

Looks a little cramped.

It's a prototype.

It's a two-man.

If you're interested
in joining me
on the sea trials?

Oh, I would.

In a heartbeat.

But I doubt I'll be around.

Why?

I am going to sell The Auk.

It's not working out.

People aren't coming.

I am going bust.

If there was anything
I could do, you know,
any choice I had, Phonce,

anything at all...Dave.

Though I got to say
you're one of the best cooks

that I've ever
come across in my life.

I feel I must observe
that there have been
some serious shortcomings

in the marketing department
over at The Auk.

Maybe it is
a little too far
off the beaten track.

Nonsense.

It's the marketing.

And isolation's got
nothing to do with it.

I mean, that should be
part of the appeal.

Dave, look, look.
People will fly here from
halfway across the world

to gawk at a whale
or to take a picture
of a gannet.

Dave.

Dave. Dave, I got an idea.

Go on, go on.
Go ahead, boy.

[COUGHS]

Dave.

It's so clear.

Now you promise me
you'll give this
a second chance.

Sure.

All right.
Just do this one thing
for me, all right?

Now, I mean,
even if you got
to sell The Auk

you'll be in a much better
negotiating position

to be pitching
a goin' concern, right?

Christ, Dave,
they'll fleece you

for an empty restaurant,
right?

All right,
now listen to me.

I got a little plan.

[FOOTSTEPS CRUNCHING]

MAN 1 OVER RADIO:
All right,
we're in position.

MAN 2: Copy that.

[DAVE AND PHONCE LAUGHING]

To rose crested grebe.

To the call of The Auk.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[MIMICKING BIRD CAWING]

[ROMANTIC SONG PLAYING]

[SIGHS]

[EXCLAIMS SOFTLY]

[TIMEPIECE TICKING]

[GROANS]

[MUTTERS SOFTLY]

MAN: Dave.

Dave, old man.

Dave!
[TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

Remember?
Our little plan.

Hey, boys, look, it's Dave!
Where'd you get
the cool car, Dave?

Hey, Dave!

Dave.

Mmm?

I couldn't help noticing,
last night at dinner
you were somehow...

How can I say it?

Affected.

Yeah.

Affected by...

By Alice.

Alice? In what way?

These women from out there,

from Gull Tickle,

can have
a powerful effect
on a man.

I am married,
Phonce.

I am.

Was.

I am.

Dave, I think I found
what we're looking for.

Campbell's Dodger Bird.

Yes.

And it's from Vanuatu.

What would a bird
from the South Pacific
be doing here?

I suppose
blown off course

during its annual migration
from the steamy land
of the coconuts.

But that's not
the point, Dave.

If you read on,
you'll notice
that it is extremely rare.

If it's too wacky,
no one will take it seriously.

Yeah. Perhaps
you're right, Dave.

But still I feel that
the bird must have a certain
measure of sex appeal.

Marketing, Dave,
marketing.

You poor old auk.

Another candidate then,
Phonce?

No, Dave,
this is the bird.

"Tasker's Sulphureous Duck.

"Aythya flagitius.

"Range: The Carolina's
to the coastal waters
of Newfoundland.

"Distinct from
the common Sulphureous

"by its unusual
yellow markings
and white cheek spots.

"Now extremely rare.

"Last spotted
by Dr. Hans Speidal
near Fox Bite, Newfoundland

"in March 1985."

It's spot on, Dave.

It's spot on.
Look, look.
Look, it's a diver.

It's a salt water
diving duck.

You just report
having seen it on the bay
by the restaurant,

and we are in business.

Yes. But I...You just watch, Dave.

They'll be tramping
all over the place.

You'll be maggedy
with bird watchers.

Look, one fellow will say,
"Did you see that?"

And another fellow'll say,
"Yeah, I think
I seen something."

Mass hysteria, Dave.

Psychology of the mob.

All right, my son.

Oh, no.

Phonce. Phonce.

Dave.

There's a phone booth
down by the baseball diamond.

Now, nobody
will see you there.
And it's nice and quiet.

Why can't we make
the phone call
from here?

Because we got to cover
our backs.

They probably got
some sort of a call-tracing
mechanism down to the CBC.

Just in case
some lunatic calls in.

Says he's planning on
skull fucking the premier.

Come on, Dave,
we're running behind.

Phonce, I have to
use the washroom.

That's just nerves,
Dave, come on.

Oh, no,
I think I have to.

No, there's no time!

All right, well,
here's the description
of the bird.

Anatomical features
and behavior.

What's it called again?

Perfect, Dave,
perfect.

Now, remember,
for this to work you want
them to identify the bird.

Your ignorance
is our trump card.

This is not
gonna work.

It'll work like a charm.
Now go on. Come on.

The show's
about to start.

[OVER RADIO] Hello, everyone!
Buster Bradlen here
withAvian Week.

Our guest expert today
is Dr. Jack Tomlinson.

Well, Dr. Tomlinson,
that cold snap must've given
our feathered friends a start.

Most regular visitors
are prepared
for this kind of thing,

and it was short-lived.
There was probably
some kill off.

Nature can be cruel, eh?

Well, I wouldn't
characterize...

Our number,
576-5271.

Out-of-town callers
dial 1800-767-bird.

And our first caller
of today is from Cappahayden.

Go ahead,
you're on the air.

MAN: Dr. Jack? Yeah?

I was in the woods
the other day, right,
and I saw this woodpecker

and I figured it was an hairy,
but he had a yellow head...

A yellow cap.

Yeah.

Well, there are some rare
aberrant, immature, hairy
woodpeckers with the cap.

That would be exciting.

Are you sure
it wasn't three-toed?

I couldn't get
close enough to tell.

I took a shot at him,
that I did.

But I missed.

Well, this might be
a good time
to bring something up,

the matter of
people shooting at birds
so as to get a closer look.

No. No.

And you know, while we're on

woodpeckers,
Dr. Tomlinson,

I have often wondered
what species was Woody?

Line 4, go ahead.
You're on the air.

Line 4, you're on the air.

Well, seems
we lost that one.

Oh, no. No, I'm here.

I am here on line 4.

All right, go ahead.
You're with Buster Bradlen
and Dr. Jack Tomlinson.

I've seen a...

I've seen a strange bird.

A duck, I think.

Yeah, yeah. Go ahead.

Could you offer us
a little more than that?

Uh...

Well, it's a duck, I think,
as I said.

Very colorful markings.

Yellow markings.

I see.
And where did
you see this bird?

And a white tuft.

Yes. And where
did you see it?

Oh! On Push Cove
right by Pushthrough.

Oh, saltwater. Hmm.

That's different.

Isn't that where
that restaurant used to be?

Yeah. I think
the restaurant
is still there.

Did you see just the one?

Yes.

And did it dive
for extended periods
or come up near shore?

Dive, I didn't see it dive.

[STUTTERING]
It was getting dark,
it was very far away.

Well, it doesn't sound
like anything I know.

Thank you, caller.
All right, line 2...

Oh!

Shit.

[STARTS ENGINE]

I was wondering if a
rose crested grebe has been
seen since the storm?

[BANGING ON CAR] That's a...

Hey, why don't
you get your head
out of your ass?

You almost
ran me over, shithead.

GIRL 2: Yeah, freak.

Huh!Get out of here!

[EXCLAIMS]

GIRL 1: You have to
learn to drive!

Oh, my God.GIRL 2: Idiot!

[CHILDREN LAUGHING]

They saw me for sure.
Oh, my God.

[SHOW CONTINUES OVER RADIO]

MALE CALLER:
I saw that too, yeah.

She's like no duck
I've ever seen.

Go down below the water
and come back
40 or 50 feet away.

Yes.

They come up
on the beach, too.

Never seen the like.
It was...

It was walking around
all confident, but
in a wobbly sort of way.

My God!

We have two listeners
describing
what can only be

Tasker's Sulphureous Duck.

Phonce! Phonce!

[LAUGHING]

This changes
the picture completely.

It was thought extinct
until there was a sighting
in Fairview...

Extinct? Thought extinct?

...by the noted
ornithologist,
Dr. Hans Speidal.

[HONKING]

Phonce! Are you home?

[HONKING]

Phonce!

Dave!Got to hide the car.

I've got to hide it,
if those girls talk, Jesus,
and they will, too.

Dave, calm down, man!

I crashed
into the telephone booth,
the whole thing obliterated.

Calm down!Those girls,
they were watching me.

Calm down.Panicked, I guess.

Dave, it was perfect!

In the end, you come across
as a proper simpleton!

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Why is that good?

Well, they would
never suspect a scheme
from such an asshole.

Now, you say
that some girls saw you
knock over a phone booth.

They'll call the police,
they'll call
the phone company.

Were they young girls?

Yeah, yeah.

They'll never say anything.

And everyone would
automatically assume

that they had
something to do with it,
and you would just deny it.

I mean, what would you
be doing up
to the baseball diamond?

[WHISPERING]
Calling the radio show!

[CHUCKLES] Dave...

Columbo lives in Los Angeles,
which is on television.

Were you
always gonna call?

Always have
a plan B, Dave.

Always have
a contingency.

Phonce, I'm going to
shit something awful!

Go on.
Go to the house, boy.

Yeah.

Hey, Dave!

Dave.

There's two kinds of people
in the world!

Those whose assholes
seize up during a crisis
and those who shit themselves.

Winston Churchill
during the Blitz
for instance.

His sphincter locked
with bulldog determination.

They say he never shit
during the entire
Battle of Britain.

[SIGHS]

[EXCLAIMS]

[EXCLAIMS]

Are you looking for Phonce?
He's usually
up and gone by now.

No, Phonce, no.

I'm just back seeing,
you know?

Uh, the other night,

I thought I...
I thought I left my...

Watch, so...

Dave.

Yeah.

Could... Can I get in
the bathroom now?

Oh! Yeah, of course.

See you later.Yeah.

[DOOR CLOSING]

Mmm-hmm.

[GRUNTS]

[CLANGING]

Can I help you?

I come about the bird.

A bird, madam?

Oh, you've not
heard then?

It was on the radio.

There's been quite
a remarkable sighting
down off the rocks.

No, well, I've...

I've heard of no bird.

But, uh...

I caution you
about the rocks.

It's all so exciting.

The birding community
is going to be very keen.

If it's fine with you,
I've parked in your lot.

The lot
is for customers.

I had no idea
you were still open.

Well, perhaps lunch then?

If you have a table.

I'm sure I could
squeeze you in.

At 1:00?

Yeah.

[CHUCKLES]

Good luck in your quest.

I'm sorry,
I've nothing for lunch.

Supper...

Tomorrow is fine.
Yeah.

Yes, it's filling up fast.

All right.

All right, good.
All right, see you tomorrow.

You need provisions,
don't you?

You should have got 'em
right after the phone call!

I guess.

Right.

Give us a list.

Right-o.Phonce.

Phonce.

Jesus Murphy.

[HONKING]

Hey!

I wasn't sure
about the haddock.

So I got this
great-looking salmon.

Good, good.

How did this happen?

It's a crazy thing,
a bird, evidently,

some rare specimen
sighted in the area.

What kind of bird?

Uh...

Rare, Tasker's?
What...

I could hardly say it.
Sulphureous Duck.

[GRUNTING ANIMATEDLY]

[DOOR BELL JINGLES]

Shit!

WOMAN: Yoo-hoo!

They started arriving.

[SIGHS]

Dave, Dave.

You're covered
in fish slime.

You stay and prep
and I'll take care
of the front of house.

Just temporarily.

Sure.

How do I look?

It's just about
the best thing
I ever saw, but...

Good.

Hello.WOMAN: Hello.

[TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

Salmon...Uh-huh.

...has asked
for a French wine.

Oh![CHUCKLES]

The guy there.Oh-ho.

I have half bottles
of the '88.

Does he want
an appetizer?

The, um...
The little, um...

Toast with
the goat cheese and tomatoes.

Coulis of sun dried tomatoes.

[MOUTHING]

I'm gonna have to pay you
to come back tomorrow.

We'll work
something out.

I did well on tips.

[GROANS SOFTLY]

Shit, I'm tired.

I'll come back tomorrow.

But you run supplies.

Yeah, I'll do that,
I'll take care of it.

And you need
one other waitress.

Probably two.

Yes, of course,
absolutely.

I got to go to bed, Dave.

Where's your wife?

Phonce said
you were married.

She's in Washington DC.

She lives there now.

Hey, hey, hey! Hey!

Give us a cork here, Dave.

[BOYS LAUGHING]

Move my head.

Ooh!Tough guy!

[BOYS TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

Bette, don't keep
Mr. Purcell waiting.

[SOFTLY] Retarded.

Retarded, retarded,
retarded.

Of course, the poor creature
hasn't had a day of work
since you laid her off.

She's invaluable.

Isn't that right?

Queer things happening
up your way, Mr. Purcell.

What do you mean?Oh.

People, snooping around
in the night...

With equipment.

Those bird watchers.

Bird watchers.

I don't know now if that's
the kind of thing we want
going on around here,

bird watching.

What kind of birds
are they watching, I wonder?

And why?

Oh, I know now they
haven't got a lot of time
to be wasting.

And they've probably got
the biggest kind of
government jobs, too.

Thanks.Phonce says
Murphy, he's in with them.

Yeah. And what happened
to his Romanian friend,
Tsvetkov?

Bulgarian![DOOR CLOSING]

Oh, I don't mind
foreigners personally.
I don't mind them at all.

But that crowd up to
the university...

I'm ready.
Mr. Purcell,

[EXCLAIMS SOFTLY]

WOMAN: Madame,
it was a lovely meal.

Thank you.

[TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

[SIGHS]

What's the word?
Happy customers?

Positively giddy, Dave.

Though no sighting
of the rare bird.

Amazing bit of luck
for me, eh?

Quite.

Two lobsters, risotto fungi,
lamb rosette.

[EXHALES]

[SNORTING]

[COUGHS]

[SNORTING]

I think
we're good for wine.

Yeah, you're probably right.
I don't know
what I was thinking, eh.

You got company.

What?

Phonce is out there.

Yes, yes, a perfectly
preserved fossil.

Jesus big jaw bone,
it's a raptor of some sort.

Jeez, can cut a man
in half with one bite.

How are we
enjoying our dinner?

Oh, simply delightful.

Good, I see you've met
Mr. Alphonse Murphy.

Yes, he's just been
telling us the most
extraordinary tale.

Perhaps, Mr. Murphy,
we should speak
in the kitchen?

Oh.

Of course, Mr. Purcell,
of course.

Good.

Enjoy.Thank you.

Excuse us.Thank you.

Dinosaur bones, Phonce?Yeah.

It's a new project.

Very busy now,
Phonce, what's up?
What can I do?

I was just wondering if you
had an opportunity to...

Get a price
on the cocaine.

I'm really sorry,
Phonce, but I've been
swamped, you know?

Not to worry.
Not to worry.

Just curious.
There's no pressure, Dave,
no pressure.

And you want to proceed
very carefully.

Yeah.It's a delicate matter.

[BREATHING HEAVILY] Yeah.

If you need the money,
because I could...

No, no, no.

If you need that money,
I could...

Dave, it's fine.

I owe it to you.

Dave.

You do not owe it to me,
I mean, what are friends for?

I mean,
I expect no less from you.

So, I'm searching.

[TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

I'll say it for you,
I'll tell him.

Talk to you later.Have a good night.

All right, Dave.Say hi to Deb.

I will, yeah.Yeah.

[PHONE RINGING]

The Auk.

WOMAN: Moira tells me
business is booming.

Claire!

Something about a bird.

Well, thank you, darling,
I'm fine, too.

So, it's a wonderful
opportunity then?

In what way?

Well, we've
talked about it already,
for selling.

Yeah, we have.

I don't want to get into it
right now, but I thought
you could move on.

No, this is hardly the subject
we should talk about
over the telephone.

Well, I don't know.

With my schedule
right now...

I'll be back
very soon, David.

That sounds like a good Idea.

You know where
you can find me.

Let's be civil, David.

I'm being civil.
I meant it.

No, you were
being sarcastic.

I mean, it's not like
you come to Washington
to see me.

I'll try.

As soon as I find someone
to run the restaurant,
I'll be on a plane.

That would be great!

I got to go.

Okay.

Goodbye, David.

[PHONE CLICKS]

[OPERA MUSIC PLAYING]

[WHISPERING] Dave.Yeah.

Table six.Mmm-hmm.

Porcini.
Yeah.

Asking a lot
of questions.

What kind
of questions?

How long
we've been open?

We always this busy?

Do you have a proper
wine cellar?

Oh, yeah?

They didn't order any wine.

Can you show me?

DAVE: Mmm.

Stop. Stop.
Move in to the side.

Yeah, over there.

MAN: One, two, three.
Heave!

[INDISTINCT TALKING]

What's up?

Body in the water.

Up, she comes.

One of those bird watchers,
apparently.

Imagine,
died looking for a duck.

You takes your chances,
gallivanting around
on these rocks.

I dare say her head
was not clear

since it was bouncing off
on the cliff face
on the way down.

Sure, yeah.

Coming through.

A woman, she drowned, Phonce.
A birdwatcher, she drowned.

She was looking for
the duck and she...
She fell off a cliff.

Hmm, sorry to hear that.

Sorry? Fucking sorry?
How about guilty,
we killed that woman?

We're responsible
for that woman's death.

We are not!

She died pursuing a lie
that we fabricated.

We are morally, if not
criminally responsible,
we're going to jail!

Probably to hell.

Pull yourself together, boy.

Everybody takes
their chances, Dave.

It was undoubtedly
the woman's time.

I mean, if she hadn't
fallen off the cliff,

she would have been
struck by lightning
or choked on a bone.

Perhaps in your restaurant,
and that would be
a pickle, wouldn't it?

[STUTTERING]
Oh, Phonce, I'm worried.

We've got to
put a stop to this.

Dave, this is
just between us.

And we can trust one another.

I'm with you all the way
on this, Dave.
And you can count on me.

And I'd like to think
that I can count on you.

Of course.

Good, 'cause we got
sea trials tonight.

What?

Full moon, 0300 hours.

What are you
gonna do with that?

We're taking her
down to the water.

You're cracked!

How much
does this thing weigh?

1,200 pounds.

It's ultra-light.

Now, we're gonna
wheel her down the hill.

And that's where
you come in, right,
you're the brake man.

That thing
isn't going anywhere.

Besides, I'm not sure
I want to be party
to you drowning yourself.

Dave, I have made
the appropriate calculations.

Now, I'm not asking
very much.

You've always been
a very good neighbor

and I need your assistance
on this one night.

After this, you can forget
you ever knew me.

But, Dave,
you are the only person
that I can trust at this time.

So, uh...

Is there any movement
on the cocaine?

I, um...

You know,
I might have a lead.

A lead?Yeah.

Good. Good.

All right,
I'll help you.

Good.

A drink then!

Kind of like
a christening.

Here, help yourself, Dave.

There.Thank you.

I got a little
present for you, Dave.

I was gonna
give it to you later.

But...

[SIGHS]

Where there are risks, eh?

It's elemental.

Something to remember
a great friendship by.

Beautiful, Phonce.

It's no simple duck, Dave.

That's Tasker's Sulphureous.

The rarest of birds.

I, uh,

haven't finished
painting it yet.

Moves pretty well.Yeah.

You mind the brake now,

we don't want it
getting away from us
on the incline.

Phonce!

Alphonse.

Going really quick now.

Phonce!

Yes, what?Phonce!

Phonce!

I can't hold on.

[CLANGING]Phonce!

Phonce!

Come on, Dave.

I'm trying!

PHONCE: Jesus, in the dirt!

[CRASHING]

[LOUD SPLASH]

Phonce!

Dave!

Phonce!

Phonce!

Phonce!

[COUGHS]

Phonce!

[GASPING]

[CLANGS][GROANS]

Dave! Dave!

Dave, here!

I was shouting for you
to stay ashore.

[COUGHING]

Thought you were drowning.

Very fucking dangerous, Dave.

We're drifting.

Stand back.

All right.

[EXCLAIMS]

It's a tight squeeze.

[WHIMPERS]

Help.

[DAVE AND PHONCE GRUNTING]

PHONCE: Jesus, Dave.
[GRUNTING]

[BOTH SCUFFLING]

[WATER FALLS]

It's a little bit
stuffy in here,
don't you think, Phonce?

That's 'cause
there's no oxygen, Dave.

Oh, is that all?

It's a good sign,
proves she's tight.

Now, just

fire up the engines here.

God damn,
Tsvetkov lamps!

[TOGGLING SWITCH]

Is that fuel low?

Right.

[GROANING]

These pumps kick in now,
Dave old man,
you'll have oxygen aplenty.

[FLICKS SWITCH]

[ENGINE STARTING]

[ACCELERATING]

Run silent.

Run deep.

Are we underwater
now, Phonce?

You're smart, Dave.

Dive.

Dive!

Dive!

Phonce, excuse me,
but how do you know
where we're going?

Could be a simple matter
of checking the sonar here.

Goddamn
Tsvetkov lamps!

Is that 13 fathoms,
is that 13?

No, no!

It's 18 fathoms.

18 fathoms.

Or is that 11?

Oh!

Thirty fathoms.

Judas priest, that is deep.

[RSV CREAKING]

What is that, Phonce?

[RSV CREAKING]

Thirty fathoms.

Must be the upper range
of the hull's
pressure tolerance.

[GRUNTING]

[EXCLAIMING]

All right.

Phonce, I'm having
an anxiety attack.

Not uncommon, Dave.

Prospective submariners
usually goes through

an incredible battery
of psychological tests.

And the last thing you want
is somebody cracking up
in the submarine.

Guess, well,
I'm saying I'm...

...cracking up.

Oh, no. I mean
a full-fledged nut-out,
you know, like...

Like, screaming and yelling,
"Get me out, get me out."

[LOW HUMMING]

Okay, Dave.

Just one last thing.

[DEVICE WHIRRING]

Up periscope.

Okay, Dave, now.

Things should start
to get interesting.

Oh, Jesus, Murphy
it's so beautiful.

[QUACKING]

[DAVE EXCLAIMS]

Wait! Shit!

What? What?

There's three guys
on the community wharf.

They were
at the restaurant
last night.

You know who they are,
don't ya?

Goddamn Winnebagos.

Here, let me see that.
Here, let me see.

Oh, yeah.

That man is obviously with the
Winnebago corporation.

Industry is
the new frontier of espionage.

All right.

Just gotta open
her up here, Dave.

And get us home.

[RSV POWERING UP]

[DOOR CLOSING]

[GROANS SOFTLY]

Mmm-hmm.

[POURING]

Hey!

What's up?

Phonce is having lunch.

That's a look, Dave.

[ALICE CHUCKLES]

And your wife called.

She was kinda curt with me.

I think she suspects
we're having an affair.

If only.

If only...

She wasn't so suspicious,
you know.

[RADIO TURNS ON]

HOST: Today's special guest
is noted ornithologist
Dr. Hans Spiedal.

It's the bird man.

DAVE: What?The bird man is on the radio.

...doctor,
the local birding community

certainly has gotten itself
into a flap

over the sighting
of this
Tasker's Sulphureous.

Hey!

You know, as well as
many other visitors
like yourself from abroad,

given your particular part
in the story,
you must be very excited.

No.

A Tasker's Sulphureous
has been known to rangers...

That's Spiedal, Hans Spiedal.
First guy to spot the duck
in the '80s.

...particular
about the sighting.

The terrain, specifically
the shoreline in Push Cove,

is all together too abrupt,
it's too brutal.

Frankly, I'm amazed
that humans choose to settle
in that godforsaken place.

I'm afraid someone has made
a mistake.

Oh!

Well, then.

Well, that's terrible,
terrible to have you
travel all this way

on a fool's errand,
all the way from Germany.

What are
we talking airfares
here, Doctor?

I'm sure,
I don't know, but, uh...

What does he know?

Everything, Phonce.

He's the most respected
ornithologist
in the whole world almost.

Besides...he's right.

[WHISPERING]
There is no duck.

Remember?

Well, still only
his opinion.

It's a shame I didn't
put the place on the market

when we were doing
such good business.

Dave, you're throwing in
the towel again.

It's not over yet.

Plan B.

Time for plan B.

I thought we already
employed plan B, Phonce?

Dave, there's no problem.

We go to plan C.

Always have a plan C, Dave.

Run silent, run deep.

[DOOR BELL JINGLES]

[DOOR CLOSING]

[DAVE SNORTING]

[DAVE COUGHS]

Duck's back.

Dougie, did you ever hear
of the Loch Ness monster?

No.

The duck is like
the Loch Ness monster.

Dismissed out of hand
by serious-minded people.

Championed forever,
by a loyal crowd of quacks.

No, boy, here's picture
in the paper.

[DAVE COUGHING]

I'm surprised Buddy
got such a good picture.

He must have
the finest kind of gear.

They'll just keep studying
the photo until they see
something wrong.

They'll blow it up sections,
until they see a flaw.

Who?
Who's gonna blow up
the photo?

The international bird police?

Inter-bird?

Everybody wants that bird
to be out there,
except you, Dave.

I want it to be there.

Of course, I do,
it's just the real thing.

But, that is not possible,
now, is it, Dave?

The bird is extinct.

Do me a favor
and don't do it again.

Not to worry.

I lost a decoy during
my last pass of the day.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[INAUDIBLE]

Come here.

Alice.

I'm ready.

I'll be
right there, Bette.

[CHUCKLES]

There's something...

...about...

I got a call
this morning.

A call?

An interview,
in Montreal,
for school.

And, you know,
I gotta go.

Yes. Yes, of course, you do.

Alice, I...

Yes, certainly,
like to reschedule,
I'm sorry.

PHONCE: Lights out
over at my place too.

There's no reason for trouble
with the power lines.

I called light and power,
they're flummoxed.

I'm gonna go and check
the perimeter.

Have any dinner plans?

Why, no.

Eight?

Bon.

I'll make
something special.

Too romantic?

Positively.

Iranian caviar, Dave.

You don't like caviar?

It's perfect.

You even have
the mother of pearl spoons.

You're trying to get
everything perfect,
aren't you Dave?

[CHUCKLES]

Hmm.

I hope I don't get
wound up on the vodka.

Probably good though,
get a little loose.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, laugh, will you?

I can't believe it,
I'm a nervous wreck.

Are you not nervous?

No, Alice,
I'm a bag of nerves.

Dave, will we ever
make it to dessert?

Who cares?

Shit, this is wrong.

No, it's not.

No, not us doing this.

I should have jumped
your bones ages ago.

Shit, see, um...

When your wife called...

She's coming here.

As soon as possible,
maybe even tomorrow.

It's supposed
to be a surprise.

And it puts you
in a difficult position.

It does.

But, Alice,
my thought is that...

I should make matters worse.

I should work toward
an emotional catastrophe.

I'm ready for it.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

[WHISPERING] Shit.

Oh, they'll go away.Yeah.

[KNOCKING CONTINUES]

He's not going anywhere.

MAN: Hello!

His car
has been stolen.

You're kidding me.

MAN:
You don't expect that
kind of thing around here.

Can I use your phone?
I gotta call my wife.

It's on the bar.

Taking it very well.

Ah, there it hardly seems
to matter.

I have seen the duck,
you see.

The duck?

Where?

Just off the beach.

If it hadn't gotten dark,
I think,
I would have got a snap.

It is so peaceful
out there.

This phone isn't working.

[WHISPERING] Alice.

MAN: Hello?

Hello?

There is no duck.

I'm not terribly
surprised, Dave.

But there is regrettably
a decoy.

Just watch this guy
for 15 minutes, please?

I'm gonna take care
of this right now.

[WHISPERING]
Fuck the damn duck.

Fucking, I'm gonna
blow their brains.

[BOTH SCREAMING]

What the fuck are you
doing here, Jack?

You have a gun?

Please.
Please, please, please.

Please!

Winnebago?

No.

Is it harrier?

Is it harrier orange?

I don't know
the response.

You move.
Move over here.

[WHIMPERS]

Be still.
Be still, right there.

Come on, run in the night.

Rise up the hill!
Up the hill!

Go on, you, go on!

Go on!

Standing around in...

Have a heart attack!
Who do you think
you are anyway?

Phonce!

Come on.
Come here.

Oh, excellent, Dave!

A hostage.

I found him, in the bushes
behind The Auk.

He had a gun.

Let's just call the cops.

There's no phone,
I'll keep him.

Go on, get here!

Go on, get here!
Sit down!

You surprise me, Dave.

I didn't think
you had it in you.

Well, you know...

Winnebago?

No, he doesn't know
what that means.

How many of you
are there?

Sixteen.

What?

You mean
to tell me laddie-o,

[SHOUTING] that there are
15 more of you fuckers
out there?

[FIRING THREE SHOTS]

Phonce!

Now...

Who are you with, son?

I'm with the R.C.B.

Mounties.

What in the Christ
do they want?

The RSV.
It makes perfect sense.

You after the RSV, huh?

Please! Please!

They want the lights, okay?

All I know is the lights.
Don't shoot me.

[SOBBING]

DAVE: No one
is going to shoot you.

I was never really
considering
shooting the fellow.

But as you can see,
he's a lot more
cooperative

when he imagines
it's in the cards.

I want no part terrorizing
in this guy. I've got
no stomach for that.

Perhaps I should remind you,
that you were the one
who took the hostage.

Can't you just give
him the lights?

They are not mine to give,
are they?

It will be like
a surrender, Dave.

This is no time for heroics!

It is now, Dave.

It's as good a time
as any.

Why not?
Just once.

Come on, Dave.

Okay, look, you're gonna
have to stall, all right?

[GASPING][SHOUTING]

Oh!

Well, the first thought would
be to fire the occasional
round into the bushes, right?

Send a few over their heads,
keep them pinned down.

No, I didn't think so.

Well, I guess,
you'll have to
talk to 'em then.

What you gonna do?

Always have a plan B, Phonce.

Dave, old man,
that surely is the truth.

[WHIMPERING]

I'm really sorry
about this.

Fuck you.

MAN OVER P.A.:
Mr. Purcell, Mr. Murphy!

We know you're in there.

Now we're gonna
settle with you, arsehole!

You're holding one of my men
against his will.

You're not gonna settle
anything with anybody,

I'm about to shoot you
in a moment.

Mr. Purcell.

I know you're
a reasonable man.

That's not true.

Get him out of here.

Constable, hold back!

[LAUGHING]

I guess you guys don't have
a lot of opportunities
like this one.

Speak to him,
speak to him.

Right there.

Uh, David.

Claire?

David?

[SHOUTING] Claire?

Just do what he says
and no one will get hurt.

She's right.

We know about the cocaine.

We know about the bird.

We'll forget that,
just give us
the Tsvetkov lights.

That seems reasonable,
don't you think?

I'm coming down,
I wanna speak to you.

Stop right there.
Stay right there.

I'm coming out.

No.

We hope to keep you
out of it Mr. Purcell.

We don't blame you
for any of it.

Any of what?

Stealing the design
for the lights.

Phonce didn't steal anything,

he was partners
with Tsvetkov,
Tsvetkov took off.

Just give me the lights.

What's so important
about the lights?

I don't know.
They didn't tell me.

They...

HOSTAGE:
The other guy is gone.

The other one took off.

Fuck, sorry!

MAN: All right, go, go!
Get in there! Get in there.

Somebody untie that guy.

Where is your friend?
Where are the lights?

[MEN TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

David, I want a divorce.

Sure.

[LOUD EXPLOSION]

MAN:
What the fuck was that?

MAN: Go, go, go, go, go!

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

[PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

[PANTING]

Whoo-hoo!
Whoo-hoo!

Fuck me!

Whoo!

Plan B, Dave.

Anything yet?

They won't find
lights here.

So, Alice is off.

I'm just going up now.

Oh, yeah.

Say goodbye?

I'll see you soon.

I'll be up.

Find someone to mind
the restaurant,
I'll be on a plane.

[ENGINE STARTS]

[DOOR BELL JINGLES]

Finish the cod
with truffle oil.

Just need someone
to help trim the...

...lamb.
It's not that complicated.

Just need someone to help

run the restaurant.

I'll be...

I'll be on a plane.

[SIGHING]

I'm ready,

Mr. Purcell.

MAN: Say it when you're ready.

[IRISH MUSIC PLAYING]