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[GULLS CAWING]

[BIRDS SQUAWKING]

[PHONE RINGING]

[MACHINE CLICKS]

You've reached The Auk.

We're currently only accepting reservations for large parties.

Please leave a message at the sound of the tone,

and someone will get back to you.

[MACHINE BEEPS]

WOMAN: I know you're there, David, pick up.

[SIGHS]

Well, then you have to call me.

There are some things that we have to talk about.

I mean you know that, and I get the impression that you're avoiding me.

Well, anyway, call me. We have to deal with this.

Bye.

I love you, too, Claire.

[SIGN HINGES SQUEAKING]

[SIGHING]

Judas Priest.

The pressure. [SIGHS]

Anyway, I did manage to clear the obstruction out of your outlet pipe.

We got a confit de canard in the oven here, Phonce.

The duck?

Oh, lovely.

You know, since I ate that here

I'd given thought to raising ducks.

I swear, Dave, that is the best duck that I've ever eaten in my entire life.

[EXCLAIMS]

Mmm! Oh, my God!

With grub like that on the menu,

they should be beating the doors down.

Mmm.

1961, Dave?

Well, now, a little grand for lunch, don't you think?

What

the hell.

So, any progress on the...

RS...

G?

RSV, Dave.

Yeah. I am very close.

Very close now.

I probably never should have mentioned to you in the first place.

I mean, it's strictly on a need to know basis, you know what I mean?

What you don't know won't hurt you kind of thing, the RSV.

I wouldn't breathe a word, you know, Phonce.

On my honor.

Dave, if anybody ever comes down to the restaurant

and they're asking unusual questions, right,

no matter how insignificant that might seem to you,

you call me up, all right?

Absolutely.

Strange radio traffic on the scanner last night, Dave.

Scanner?

Phonce.

What scanner?

[DAVE GRUNTING]

Phonce, can you slow up a bit?

[GRUNTING]

We're being watched, Dave.

Hold on.

See.

Hunters?No, heard no shots.

I see no shell casings.

Maybe it's the boys from Pushthrough, you know, casing my place.

No. If they were gonna knock you over I would have heard.

I suppose we should be

concerned.Concerned?

Concerned?

I knew it.

It's the Winnebagos.

They're after the RSV.

Help me with this one, Phonce.

Well, obviously you're involved now.

I am?

Look. Come to dinner tonight.

I'll explain everything.

All right, tonight.

Yeah. I'll go tell Deb you're coming.

Seven o'clock?

Seven is good.

Oh, and the sister-in-law is in town.

She's a bookish creature.

Dave, good to have you aboard.

Here, you know, for dinner.

Oh, I should open this up, right? Let him breathe.

Good idea.

It's quite messy out there.

Yeah. Yeah.

Here you go.

[FOOTSTEPS DESCENDING A STAIRCASE]

So, you are the famous Dave.

You ever tasted wine like that, Deb?

It is lovely, Dave.

Phonce is becoming a regular connoisseur.

DEB: Mmm-hmm.

It's just wine, they're all the same.

Oh, my, from the girl from Gull Tickle.

She been off to Montreal, and she knows all about wine now, doesn't she?

It is just wine after all,

but do you like it?

Deep, penetrating bouquet.

Ripe pinot fruit.

Balanced with some real terroir.

Earthiness, tar, bacon fat.

It's evocative. Recalling hardwood forests, losing one's cherry

at a price...

DEB: Alice.PHONCE: Don't bite her, Dave boy.

She's saucy by nature.

[CHUCKLES]

Seriously, Dave, it's beautiful.

I think it's just about the most beautiful thing I ever tasted.

So, you are a student

of...

I've applied to an architecture school.

Waiting to hear.

Oh.

So...Now.

To the business at hand and to other matters arising.

Sorry?

We're gonna talk about the RSV.

Of course.

Dave.

I would like to show you my shed.

Sure.

No, no. We're going to take the tunnel.

A tunnel?

This is something, Phonce.

Yeah, the Americans built it during the war.

It was convenience originally but now with the woods crawling with Winnebagos

it is an absolute necessity.

No, I meant...

I meant the lights.

Tsvetkov Illumination System.

Yury Tsvetkov, Dave, a partner of mine.

A Bulgarian guy, he defected at Gander in '89.

He boarded with us briefly.

Well, I always reckoned he headed out for California.

How do they work?

It's a mystery to me.

I'll tell you, Dave.

They actually break the energy equation.

That's right.

You can light the biggest kind of a room with a double A battery.

Yeah. Dave.

The strange thing is you can't read under it.

The words just float right off the page.

[CHUCKLES]

Okay, come on.

Oh, Dave.

Before we get down to business...[OPENING BOTTLE]

...I'd like to ask your opinion on something.

[POURING WINE]

You've been around, eh?

What do you mean?

I mean you're a man of the world.

Spent some time in the big city.

You hung around with the bohemian crowd.

I suppose.

I don't mean to imply anything.

Not about to suggest you had any intimate knowledge...

What's the question, Phonce?

Because... [GRUNTS]

I came across this.

I salvaged it, I guess you could say.

It's an operation being undertaken at sea.

There are at least 20 more like this one.

Yes?

And I was wondering...

...is this cocaine, Dave, or heroin?

Not that I am a drug addict or even planning on becoming one.

But...this must be worth a few dollars, eh?

Christ in heaven.

Then who's been watching you is the police.

No, no.

I recovered this over two years ago.

Jesus.

That must be...

Twenty-six pounds.

What do you want me to do?

Well, you tell me what it is, how much it's worth and where we can unload it.

I mean, have you ever tried cocaine?

No, no, no, no, never.

Once or twice.

Somebody I knew had some.

So?

For Christ's sake, Phonce, I am no expert. You can throw it in the bay.

People kill for this stuff.

Well, so, you don't think it's really cocaine?

I don't know.

I thought you horked it up your nose.

It's cocaine.

And you do put it up your nose.

So, is it any good?

Oh! Oh.

[INHALING NASALLY]

Wow.

[EXHALES]

It's good. It's good.

May I?

Oh, fill your boots.

[GRUNTS]

[EXHALES]

What I still don't understand, Phonce, is

what is an RSV and

why would these Winnebago people

be interested in this giant sack?

They're unrelated.

[LAUGHING]

They're totally unrelated, Dave.

Dave, Dave.

This

is my Recreational Submarine Vehicle.

Or RSV, for short.

Winnebago.

The recreational vehicle giant.

I think they mean to steal my plans.

DAVE: But, Phonce, do you think there's a market

for Recreational Submarine Vehicles?

Rose crested grebe, my friend.

Rose crested grebe.

So?Nature, old man.

People are going mental onto nature.

I mean, get geezers hiding in blinds all day

to get a snap of some bird that they're not even gonna eat.

The RSV, once we get a few windows in,

so people can see all the little fishies.

Looks a little cramped.

It's a prototype.

It's a two-man.

If you're interested in joining me on the sea trials?

Oh, I would.

In a heartbeat.

But I doubt I'll be around.

Why?

I am going to sell The Auk.

It's not working out.

People aren't coming.

I am going bust.

If there was anything I could do, you know, any choice I had, Phonce,

anything at all...Dave.

Though I got to say you're one of the best cooks

that I've ever come across in my life.

I feel I must observe that there have been some serious shortcomings

in the marketing department over at The Auk.

Maybe it is a little too far off the beaten track.

Nonsense.

It's the marketing.

And isolation's got nothing to do with it.

I mean, that should be part of the appeal.

Dave, look, look. People will fly here from halfway across the world

to gawk at a whale or to take a picture of a gannet.

Dave.

Dave. Dave, I got an idea.

Go on, go on. Go ahead, boy.

[COUGHS]

Dave.

It's so clear.

Now you promise me you'll give this a second chance.

Sure.

All right. Just do this one thing for me, all right?

Now, I mean, even if you got to sell The Auk

you'll be in a much better negotiating position

to be pitching a goin' concern, right?

Christ, Dave, they'll fleece you

for an empty restaurant, right?

All right, now listen to me.

I got a little plan.

[FOOTSTEPS CRUNCHING]

MAN 1 OVER RADIO: All right, we're in position.

MAN 2: Copy that.

[DAVE AND PHONCE LAUGHING]

To rose crested grebe.

To the call of The Auk.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[MIMICKING BIRD CAWING]

[ROMANTIC SONG PLAYING]

[SIGHS]

[EXCLAIMS SOFTLY]

[TIMEPIECE TICKING]

[GROANS]

[MUTTERS SOFTLY]

MAN: Dave.

Dave, old man.

Dave! [TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

Remember? Our little plan.

Hey, boys, look, it's Dave! Where'd you get the cool car, Dave?

Hey, Dave!

Dave.

Mmm?

I couldn't help noticing, last night at dinner you were somehow...

How can I say it?

Affected.

Yeah.

Affected by...

By Alice.

Alice? In what way?

These women from out there,

from Gull Tickle,

can have a powerful effect on a man.

I am married, Phonce.

I am.

Was.

I am.

Dave, I think I found what we're looking for.

Campbell's Dodger Bird.

Yes.

And it's from Vanuatu.

What would a bird from the South Pacific be doing here?

I suppose blown off course

during its annual migration from the steamy land of the coconuts.

But that's not the point, Dave.

If you read on, you'll notice that it is extremely rare.

If it's too wacky, no one will take it seriously.

Yeah. Perhaps you're right, Dave.

But still I feel that the bird must have a certain measure of sex appeal.

Marketing, Dave, marketing.

You poor old auk.

Another candidate then, Phonce?

No, Dave, this is the bird.

"Tasker's Sulphureous Duck.

"Aythya flagitius.

"Range: The Carolina's to the coastal waters of Newfoundland.

"Distinct from the common Sulphureous

"by its unusual yellow markings and white cheek spots.

"Now extremely rare.

"Last spotted by Dr. Hans Speidal near Fox Bite, Newfoundland

"in March 1985."

It's spot on, Dave.

It's spot on. Look, look. Look, it's a diver.

It's a salt water diving duck.

You just report having seen it on the bay by the restaurant,

and we are in business.

Yes. But I...You just watch, Dave.

They'll be tramping all over the place.

You'll be maggedy with bird watchers.

Look, one fellow will say, "Did you see that?"

And another fellow'll say, "Yeah, I think I seen something."

Mass hysteria, Dave.

Psychology of the mob.

All right, my son.

Oh, no.

Phonce. Phonce.

Dave.

There's a phone booth down by the baseball diamond.

Now, nobody will see you there. And it's nice and quiet.

Why can't we make the phone call from here?

Because we got to cover our backs.

They probably got some sort of a call-tracing mechanism down to the CBC.

Just in case some lunatic calls in.

Says he's planning on skull fucking the premier.

Come on, Dave, we're running behind.

Phonce, I have to use the washroom.

That's just nerves, Dave, come on.

Oh, no, I think I have to.

No, there's no time!

All right, well, here's the description of the bird.

Anatomical features and behavior.

What's it called again?

Perfect, Dave, perfect.

Now, remember, for this to work you want them to identify the bird.

Your ignorance is our trump card.

This is not gonna work.

It'll work like a charm. Now go on. Come on.

The show's about to start.

[OVER RADIO] Hello, everyone! Buster Bradlen here withAvian Week.

Our guest expert today is Dr. Jack Tomlinson.

Well, Dr. Tomlinson, that cold snap must've given our feathered friends a start.

Most regular visitors are prepared for this kind of thing,

and it was short-lived. There was probably some kill off.

Nature can be cruel, eh?

Well, I wouldn't characterize...

Our number, 576-5271.

Out-of-town callers dial 1800-767-bird.

And our first caller of today is from Cappahayden.

Go ahead, you're on the air.

MAN: Dr. Jack? Yeah?

I was in the woods the other day, right, and I saw this woodpecker

and I figured it was an hairy, but he had a yellow head...

A yellow cap.

Yeah.

Well, there are some rare aberrant, immature, hairy woodpeckers with the cap.

That would be exciting.

Are you sure it wasn't three-toed?

I couldn't get close enough to tell.

I took a shot at him, that I did.

But I missed.

Well, this might be a good time to bring something up,

the matter of people shooting at birds so as to get a closer look.

No. No.

And you know, while we're on

woodpeckers, Dr. Tomlinson,

I have often wondered what species was Woody?

Line 4, go ahead. You're on the air.

Line 4, you're on the air.

Well, seems we lost that one.

Oh, no. No, I'm here.

I am here on line 4.

All right, go ahead. You're with Buster Bradlen and Dr. Jack Tomlinson.

I've seen a...

I've seen a strange bird.

A duck, I think.

Yeah, yeah. Go ahead.

Could you offer us a little more than that?

Uh...

Well, it's a duck, I think, as I said.

Very colorful markings.

Yellow markings.

I see. And where did you see this bird?

And a white tuft.

Yes. And where did you see it?

Oh! On Push Cove right by Pushthrough.

Oh, saltwater. Hmm.

That's different.

Isn't that where that restaurant used to be?

Yeah. I think the restaurant is still there.

Did you see just the one?

Yes.

And did it dive for extended periods or come up near shore?

Dive, I didn't see it dive.

[STUTTERING] It was getting dark, it was very far away.

Well, it doesn't sound like anything I know.

Thank you, caller. All right, line 2...

Oh!

Shit.

[STARTS ENGINE]

I was wondering if a rose crested grebe has been seen since the storm?

[BANGING ON CAR] That's a...

Hey, why don't you get your head out of your ass?

You almost ran me over, shithead.

GIRL 2: Yeah, freak.

Huh!Get out of here!

[EXCLAIMS]

GIRL 1: You have to learn to drive!

Oh, my God.GIRL 2: Idiot!

[CHILDREN LAUGHING]

They saw me for sure. Oh, my God.

[SHOW CONTINUES OVER RADIO]

MALE CALLER: I saw that too, yeah.

She's like no duck I've ever seen.

Go down below the water and come back 40 or 50 feet away.

Yes.

They come up on the beach, too.

Never seen the like. It was...

It was walking around all confident, but in a wobbly sort of way.

My God!

We have two listeners describing what can only be

Tasker's Sulphureous Duck.

Phonce! Phonce!

[LAUGHING]

This changes the picture completely.

It was thought extinct until there was a sighting in Fairview...

Extinct? Thought extinct?

...by the noted ornithologist, Dr. Hans Speidal.

[HONKING]

Phonce! Are you home?

[HONKING]

Phonce!

Dave!Got to hide the car.

I've got to hide it, if those girls talk, Jesus, and they will, too.

Dave, calm down, man!

I crashed into the telephone booth, the whole thing obliterated.

Calm down!Those girls, they were watching me.

Calm down.Panicked, I guess.

Dave, it was perfect!

In the end, you come across as a proper simpleton!

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Why is that good?

Well, they would never suspect a scheme from such an asshole.

Now, you say that some girls saw you knock over a phone booth.

They'll call the police, they'll call the phone company.

Were they young girls?

Yeah, yeah.

They'll never say anything.

And everyone would automatically assume

that they had something to do with it, and you would just deny it.

I mean, what would you be doing up to the baseball diamond?

[WHISPERING] Calling the radio show!

[CHUCKLES] Dave...

Columbo lives in Los Angeles, which is on television.

Were you always gonna call?

Always have a plan B, Dave.

Always have a contingency.

Phonce, I'm going to shit something awful!

Go on. Go to the house, boy.

Yeah.

Hey, Dave!

Dave.

There's two kinds of people in the world!

Those whose assholes seize up during a crisis and those who shit themselves.

Winston Churchill during the Blitz for instance.

His sphincter locked with bulldog determination.

They say he never shit during the entire Battle of Britain.

[SIGHS]

[EXCLAIMS]

[EXCLAIMS]

Are you looking for Phonce? He's usually up and gone by now.

No, Phonce, no.

I'm just back seeing, you know?

Uh, the other night,

I thought I... I thought I left my...

Watch, so...

Dave.

Yeah.

Could... Can I get in the bathroom now?

Oh! Yeah, of course.

See you later.Yeah.

[DOOR CLOSING]

Mmm-hmm.

[GRUNTS]

[CLANGING]

Can I help you?

I come about the bird.

A bird, madam?

Oh, you've not heard then?

It was on the radio.

There's been quite a remarkable sighting down off the rocks.

No, well, I've...

I've heard of no bird.

But, uh...

I caution you about the rocks.

It's all so exciting.

The birding community is going to be very keen.

If it's fine with you, I've parked in your lot.

The lot is for customers.

I had no idea you were still open.

Well, perhaps lunch then?

If you have a table.

I'm sure I could squeeze you in.

At 1:00?

Yeah.

[CHUCKLES]

Good luck in your quest.

I'm sorry, I've nothing for lunch.

Supper...

Tomorrow is fine. Yeah.

Yes, it's filling up fast.

All right.

All right, good. All right, see you tomorrow.

You need provisions, don't you?

You should have got 'em right after the phone call!

I guess.

Right.

Give us a list.

Right-o.Phonce.

Phonce.

Jesus Murphy.

[HONKING]

Hey!

I wasn't sure about the haddock.

So I got this great-looking salmon.

Good, good.

How did this happen?

It's a crazy thing, a bird, evidently,

some rare specimen sighted in the area.

What kind of bird?

Uh...

Rare, Tasker's? What...

I could hardly say it. Sulphureous Duck.

[GRUNTING ANIMATEDLY]

[DOOR BELL JINGLES]

Shit!

WOMAN: Yoo-hoo!

They started arriving.

[SIGHS]

Dave, Dave.

You're covered in fish slime.

You stay and prep and I'll take care of the front of house.

Just temporarily.

Sure.

How do I look?

It's just about the best thing I ever saw, but...

Good.

Hello.WOMAN: Hello.

[TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

Salmon...Uh-huh.

...has asked for a French wine.

Oh![CHUCKLES]

The guy there.Oh-ho.

I have half bottles of the '88.

Does he want an appetizer?

The, um... The little, um...

Toast with the goat cheese and tomatoes.

Coulis of sun dried tomatoes.

[MOUTHING]

I'm gonna have to pay you to come back tomorrow.

We'll work something out.

I did well on tips.

[GROANS SOFTLY]

Shit, I'm tired.

I'll come back tomorrow.

But you run supplies.

Yeah, I'll do that, I'll take care of it.

And you need one other waitress.

Probably two.

Yes, of course, absolutely.

I got to go to bed, Dave.

Where's your wife?

Phonce said you were married.

She's in Washington DC.

She lives there now.

Hey, hey, hey! Hey!

Give us a cork here, Dave.

[BOYS LAUGHING]

Move my head.

Ooh!Tough guy!

[BOYS TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

Bette, don't keep Mr. Purcell waiting.

[SOFTLY] Retarded.

Retarded, retarded, retarded.

Of course, the poor creature hasn't had a day of work since you laid her off.

She's invaluable.

Isn't that right?

Queer things happening up your way, Mr. Purcell.

What do you mean?Oh.

People, snooping around in the night...

With equipment.

Those bird watchers.

Bird watchers.

I don't know now if that's the kind of thing we want going on around here,

bird watching.

What kind of birds are they watching, I wonder?

And why?

Oh, I know now they haven't got a lot of time to be wasting.

And they've probably got the biggest kind of government jobs, too.

Thanks.Phonce says Murphy, he's in with them.

Yeah. And what happened to his Romanian friend, Tsvetkov?

Bulgarian![DOOR CLOSING]

Oh, I don't mind foreigners personally. I don't mind them at all.

But that crowd up to the university...

I'm ready. Mr. Purcell,

[EXCLAIMS SOFTLY]

WOMAN: Madame, it was a lovely meal.

Thank you.

[TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

[SIGHS]

What's the word? Happy customers?

Positively giddy, Dave.

Though no sighting of the rare bird.

Amazing bit of luck for me, eh?

Quite.

Two lobsters, risotto fungi, lamb rosette.

[EXHALES]

[SNORTING]

[COUGHS]

[SNORTING]

I think we're good for wine.

Yeah, you're probably right. I don't know what I was thinking, eh.

You got company.

What?

Phonce is out there.

Yes, yes, a perfectly preserved fossil.

Jesus big jaw bone, it's a raptor of some sort.

Jeez, can cut a man in half with one bite.

How are we enjoying our dinner?

Oh, simply delightful.

Good, I see you've met Mr. Alphonse Murphy.

Yes, he's just been telling us the most extraordinary tale.

Perhaps, Mr. Murphy, we should speak in the kitchen?

Oh.

Of course, Mr. Purcell, of course.

Good.

Enjoy.Thank you.

Excuse us.Thank you.

Dinosaur bones, Phonce?Yeah.

It's a new project.

Very busy now, Phonce, what's up? What can I do?

I was just wondering if you had an opportunity to...

Get a price on the cocaine.

I'm really sorry, Phonce, but I've been swamped, you know?

Not to worry. Not to worry.

Just curious. There's no pressure, Dave, no pressure.

And you want to proceed very carefully.

Yeah.It's a delicate matter.

[BREATHING HEAVILY] Yeah.

If you need the money, because I could...

No, no, no.

If you need that money, I could...

Dave, it's fine.

I owe it to you.

Dave.

You do not owe it to me, I mean, what are friends for?

I mean, I expect no less from you.

So, I'm searching.

[TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

I'll say it for you, I'll tell him.

Talk to you later.Have a good night.

All right, Dave.Say hi to Deb.

I will, yeah.Yeah.

[PHONE RINGING]

The Auk.

WOMAN: Moira tells me business is booming.

Claire!

Something about a bird.

Well, thank you, darling, I'm fine, too.

So, it's a wonderful opportunity then?

In what way?

Well, we've talked about it already, for selling.

Yeah, we have.

I don't want to get into it right now, but I thought you could move on.

No, this is hardly the subject we should talk about over the telephone.

Well, I don't know.

With my schedule right now...

I'll be back very soon, David.

That sounds like a good Idea.

You know where you can find me.

Let's be civil, David.

I'm being civil. I meant it.

No, you were being sarcastic.

I mean, it's not like you come to Washington to see me.

I'll try.

As soon as I find someone to run the restaurant, I'll be on a plane.

That would be great!

I got to go.

Okay.

Goodbye, David.

[PHONE CLICKS]

[OPERA MUSIC PLAYING]

[WHISPERING] Dave.Yeah.

Table six.Mmm-hmm.

Porcini. Yeah.

Asking a lot of questions.

What kind of questions?

How long we've been open?

We always this busy?

Do you have a proper wine cellar?

Oh, yeah?

They didn't order any wine.

Can you show me?

DAVE: Mmm.

Stop. Stop. Move in to the side.

Yeah, over there.

MAN: One, two, three. Heave!

[INDISTINCT TALKING]

What's up?

Body in the water.

Up, she comes.

One of those bird watchers, apparently.

Imagine, died looking for a duck.

You takes your chances, gallivanting around on these rocks.

I dare say her head was not clear

since it was bouncing off on the cliff face on the way down.

Sure, yeah.

Coming through.

A woman, she drowned, Phonce. A birdwatcher, she drowned.

She was looking for the duck and she... She fell off a cliff.

Hmm, sorry to hear that.

Sorry? Fucking sorry? How about guilty, we killed that woman?

We're responsible for that woman's death.

We are not!

She died pursuing a lie that we fabricated.

We are morally, if not criminally responsible, we're going to jail!

Probably to hell.

Pull yourself together, boy.

Everybody takes their chances, Dave.

It was undoubtedly the woman's time.

I mean, if she hadn't fallen off the cliff,

she would have been struck by lightning or choked on a bone.

Perhaps in your restaurant, and that would be a pickle, wouldn't it?

[STUTTERING] Oh, Phonce, I'm worried.

We've got to put a stop to this.

Dave, this is just between us.

And we can trust one another.

I'm with you all the way on this, Dave. And you can count on me.

And I'd like to think that I can count on you.

Of course.

Good, 'cause we got sea trials tonight.

What?

Full moon, 0300 hours.

What are you gonna do with that?

We're taking her down to the water.

You're cracked!

How much does this thing weigh?

1,200 pounds.

It's ultra-light.

Now, we're gonna wheel her down the hill.

And that's where you come in, right, you're the brake man.

That thing isn't going anywhere.

Besides, I'm not sure I want to be party to you drowning yourself.

Dave, I have made the appropriate calculations.

Now, I'm not asking very much.

You've always been a very good neighbor

and I need your assistance on this one night.

After this, you can forget you ever knew me.

But, Dave, you are the only person that I can trust at this time.

So, uh...

Is there any movement on the cocaine?

I, um...

You know, I might have a lead.

A lead?Yeah.

Good. Good.

All right, I'll help you.

Good.

A drink then!

Kind of like a christening.

Here, help yourself, Dave.

There.Thank you.

I got a little present for you, Dave.

I was gonna give it to you later.

But...

[SIGHS]

Where there are risks, eh?

It's elemental.

Something to remember a great friendship by.

Beautiful, Phonce.

It's no simple duck, Dave.

That's Tasker's Sulphureous.

The rarest of birds.

I, uh,

haven't finished painting it yet.

Moves pretty well.Yeah.

You mind the brake now,

we don't want it getting away from us on the incline.

Phonce!

Alphonse.

Going really quick now.

Phonce!

Yes, what?Phonce!

Phonce!

I can't hold on.

[CLANGING]Phonce!

Phonce!

Come on, Dave.

I'm trying!

PHONCE: Jesus, in the dirt!

[CRASHING]

[LOUD SPLASH]

Phonce!

Dave!

Phonce!

Phonce!

Phonce!

[COUGHS]

Phonce!

[GASPING]

[CLANGS][GROANS]

Dave! Dave!

Dave, here!

I was shouting for you to stay ashore.

[COUGHING]

Thought you were drowning.

Very fucking dangerous, Dave.

We're drifting.

Stand back.

All right.

[EXCLAIMS]

It's a tight squeeze.

[WHIMPERS]

Help.

[DAVE AND PHONCE GRUNTING]

PHONCE: Jesus, Dave. [GRUNTING]

[BOTH SCUFFLING]

[WATER FALLS]

It's a little bit stuffy in here, don't you think, Phonce?

That's 'cause there's no oxygen, Dave.

Oh, is that all?

It's a good sign, proves she's tight.

Now, just

fire up the engines here.

God damn, Tsvetkov lamps!

[TOGGLING SWITCH]

Is that fuel low?

Right.

[GROANING]

These pumps kick in now, Dave old man, you'll have oxygen aplenty.

[FLICKS SWITCH]

[ENGINE STARTING]

[ACCELERATING]

Run silent.

Run deep.

Are we underwater now, Phonce?

You're smart, Dave.

Dive.

Dive!

Dive!

Phonce, excuse me, but how do you know where we're going?

Could be a simple matter of checking the sonar here.

Goddamn Tsvetkov lamps!

Is that 13 fathoms, is that 13?

No, no!

It's 18 fathoms.

18 fathoms.

Or is that 11?

Oh!

Thirty fathoms.

Judas priest, that is deep.

[RSV CREAKING]

What is that, Phonce?

[RSV CREAKING]

Thirty fathoms.

Must be the upper range of the hull's pressure tolerance.

[GRUNTING]

[EXCLAIMING]

All right.

Phonce, I'm having an anxiety attack.

Not uncommon, Dave.

Prospective submariners usually goes through

an incredible battery of psychological tests.

And the last thing you want is somebody cracking up in the submarine.

Guess, well, I'm saying I'm...

...cracking up.

Oh, no. I mean a full-fledged nut-out, you know, like...

Like, screaming and yelling, "Get me out, get me out."

[LOW HUMMING]

Okay, Dave.

Just one last thing.

[DEVICE WHIRRING]

Up periscope.

Okay, Dave, now.

Things should start to get interesting.

Oh, Jesus, Murphy it's so beautiful.

[QUACKING]

[DAVE EXCLAIMS]

Wait! Shit!

What? What?

There's three guys on the community wharf.

They were at the restaurant last night.

You know who they are, don't ya?

Goddamn Winnebagos.

Here, let me see that. Here, let me see.

Oh, yeah.

That man is obviously with the Winnebago corporation.

Industry is the new frontier of espionage.

All right.

Just gotta open her up here, Dave.

And get us home.

[RSV POWERING UP]

[DOOR CLOSING]

[GROANS SOFTLY]

Mmm-hmm.

[POURING]

Hey!

What's up?

Phonce is having lunch.

That's a look, Dave.

[ALICE CHUCKLES]

And your wife called.

She was kinda curt with me.

I think she suspects we're having an affair.

If only.

If only...

She wasn't so suspicious, you know.

[RADIO TURNS ON]

HOST: Today's special guest is noted ornithologist Dr. Hans Spiedal.

It's the bird man.

DAVE: What?The bird man is on the radio.

...doctor, the local birding community

certainly has gotten itself into a flap

over the sighting of this Tasker's Sulphureous.

Hey!

You know, as well as many other visitors like yourself from abroad,

given your particular part in the story, you must be very excited.

No.

A Tasker's Sulphureous has been known to rangers...

That's Spiedal, Hans Spiedal. First guy to spot the duck in the '80s.

...particular about the sighting.

The terrain, specifically the shoreline in Push Cove,

is all together too abrupt, it's too brutal.

Frankly, I'm amazed that humans choose to settle in that godforsaken place.

I'm afraid someone has made a mistake.

Oh!

Well, then.

Well, that's terrible, terrible to have you travel all this way

on a fool's errand, all the way from Germany.

What are we talking airfares here, Doctor?

I'm sure, I don't know, but, uh...

What does he know?

Everything, Phonce.

He's the most respected ornithologist in the whole world almost.

Besides...he's right.

[WHISPERING] There is no duck.

Remember?

Well, still only his opinion.

It's a shame I didn't put the place on the market

when we were doing such good business.

Dave, you're throwing in the towel again.

It's not over yet.

Plan B.

Time for plan B.

I thought we already employed plan B, Phonce?

Dave, there's no problem.

We go to plan C.

Always have a plan C, Dave.

Run silent, run deep.

[DOOR BELL JINGLES]

[DOOR CLOSING]

[DAVE SNORTING]

[DAVE COUGHS]

Duck's back.

Dougie, did you ever hear of the Loch Ness monster?

No.

The duck is like the Loch Ness monster.

Dismissed out of hand by serious-minded people.

Championed forever, by a loyal crowd of quacks.

No, boy, here's picture in the paper.

[DAVE COUGHING]

I'm surprised Buddy got such a good picture.

He must have the finest kind of gear.

They'll just keep studying the photo until they see something wrong.

They'll blow it up sections, until they see a flaw.

Who? Who's gonna blow up the photo?

The international bird police?

Inter-bird?

Everybody wants that bird to be out there, except you, Dave.

I want it to be there.

Of course, I do, it's just the real thing.

But, that is not possible, now, is it, Dave?

The bird is extinct.

Do me a favor and don't do it again.

Not to worry.

I lost a decoy during my last pass of the day.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[INAUDIBLE]

Come here.

Alice.

I'm ready.

I'll be right there, Bette.

[CHUCKLES]

There's something...

...about...

I got a call this morning.

A call?

An interview, in Montreal, for school.

And, you know, I gotta go.

Yes. Yes, of course, you do.

Alice, I...

Yes, certainly, like to reschedule, I'm sorry.

PHONCE: Lights out over at my place too.

There's no reason for trouble with the power lines.

I called light and power, they're flummoxed.

I'm gonna go and check the perimeter.

Have any dinner plans?

Why, no.

Eight?

Bon.

I'll make something special.

Too romantic?

Positively.

Iranian caviar, Dave.

You don't like caviar?

It's perfect.

You even have the mother of pearl spoons.

You're trying to get everything perfect, aren't you Dave?

[CHUCKLES]

Hmm.

I hope I don't get wound up on the vodka.

Probably good though, get a little loose.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, laugh, will you?

I can't believe it, I'm a nervous wreck.

Are you not nervous?

No, Alice, I'm a bag of nerves.

Dave, will we ever make it to dessert?

Who cares?

Shit, this is wrong.

No, it's not.

No, not us doing this.

I should have jumped your bones ages ago.

Shit, see, um...

When your wife called...

She's coming here.

As soon as possible, maybe even tomorrow.

It's supposed to be a surprise.

And it puts you in a difficult position.

It does.

But, Alice, my thought is that...

I should make matters worse.

I should work toward an emotional catastrophe.

I'm ready for it.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

[WHISPERING] Shit.

Oh, they'll go away.Yeah.

[KNOCKING CONTINUES]

He's not going anywhere.

MAN: Hello!

His car has been stolen.

You're kidding me.

MAN: You don't expect that kind of thing around here.

Can I use your phone? I gotta call my wife.

It's on the bar.

Taking it very well.

Ah, there it hardly seems to matter.

I have seen the duck, you see.

The duck?

Where?

Just off the beach.

If it hadn't gotten dark, I think, I would have got a snap.

It is so peaceful out there.

This phone isn't working.

[WHISPERING] Alice.

MAN: Hello?

Hello?

There is no duck.

I'm not terribly surprised, Dave.

But there is regrettably a decoy.

Just watch this guy for 15 minutes, please?

I'm gonna take care of this right now.

[WHISPERING] Fuck the damn duck.

Fucking, I'm gonna blow their brains.

[BOTH SCREAMING]

What the fuck are you doing here, Jack?

You have a gun?

Please. Please, please, please.

Please!

Winnebago?

No.

Is it harrier?

Is it harrier orange?

I don't know the response.

You move. Move over here.

[WHIMPERS]

Be still. Be still, right there.

Come on, run in the night.

Rise up the hill! Up the hill!

Go on, you, go on!

Go on!

Standing around in...

Have a heart attack! Who do you think you are anyway?

Phonce!

Come on. Come here.

Oh, excellent, Dave!

A hostage.

I found him, in the bushes behind The Auk.

He had a gun.

Let's just call the cops.

There's no phone, I'll keep him.

Go on, get here!

Go on, get here! Sit down!

You surprise me, Dave.

I didn't think you had it in you.

Well, you know...

Winnebago?

No, he doesn't know what that means.

How many of you are there?

Sixteen.

What?

You mean to tell me laddie-o,

[SHOUTING] that there are 15 more of you fuckers out there?

[FIRING THREE SHOTS]

Phonce!

Now...

Who are you with, son?

I'm with the R.C.B.

Mounties.

What in the Christ do they want?

The RSV. It makes perfect sense.

You after the RSV, huh?

Please! Please!

They want the lights, okay?

All I know is the lights. Don't shoot me.

[SOBBING]

DAVE: No one is going to shoot you.

I was never really considering shooting the fellow.

But as you can see, he's a lot more cooperative

when he imagines it's in the cards.

I want no part terrorizing in this guy. I've got no stomach for that.

Perhaps I should remind you, that you were the one who took the hostage.

Can't you just give him the lights?

They are not mine to give, are they?

It will be like a surrender, Dave.

This is no time for heroics!

It is now, Dave.

It's as good a time as any.

Why not? Just once.

Come on, Dave.

Okay, look, you're gonna have to stall, all right?

[GASPING][SHOUTING]

Oh!

Well, the first thought would be to fire the occasional round into the bushes, right?

Send a few over their heads, keep them pinned down.

No, I didn't think so.

Well, I guess, you'll have to talk to 'em then.

What you gonna do?

Always have a plan B, Phonce.

Dave, old man, that surely is the truth.

[WHIMPERING]

I'm really sorry about this.

Fuck you.

MAN OVER P.A.: Mr. Purcell, Mr. Murphy!

We know you're in there.

Now we're gonna settle with you, arsehole!

You're holding one of my men against his will.

You're not gonna settle anything with anybody,

I'm about to shoot you in a moment.

Mr. Purcell.

I know you're a reasonable man.

That's not true.

Get him out of here.

Constable, hold back!

[LAUGHING]

I guess you guys don't have a lot of opportunities like this one.

Speak to him, speak to him.

Right there.

Uh, David.

Claire?

David?

[SHOUTING] Claire?

Just do what he says and no one will get hurt.

She's right.

We know about the cocaine.

We know about the bird.

We'll forget that, just give us the Tsvetkov lights.

That seems reasonable, don't you think?

I'm coming down, I wanna speak to you.

Stop right there. Stay right there.

I'm coming out.

No.

We hope to keep you out of it Mr. Purcell.

We don't blame you for any of it.

Any of what?

Stealing the design for the lights.

Phonce didn't steal anything,

he was partners with Tsvetkov, Tsvetkov took off.

Just give me the lights.

What's so important about the lights?

I don't know. They didn't tell me.

They...

HOSTAGE: The other guy is gone.

The other one took off.

Fuck, sorry!

MAN: All right, go, go! Get in there! Get in there.

Somebody untie that guy.

Where is your friend? Where are the lights?

[MEN TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

David, I want a divorce.

Sure.

[LOUD EXPLOSION]

MAN: What the fuck was that?

MAN: Go, go, go, go, go!

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

[PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

[PANTING]

Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!

Fuck me!

Whoo!

Plan B, Dave.

Anything yet?

They won't find lights here.

So, Alice is off.

I'm just going up now.

Oh, yeah.

Say goodbye?

I'll see you soon.

I'll be up.

Find someone to mind the restaurant, I'll be on a plane.

[ENGINE STARTS]

[DOOR BELL JINGLES]

Finish the cod with truffle oil.

Just need someone to help trim the...

...lamb. It's not that complicated.

Just need someone to help

run the restaurant.

I'll be...

I'll be on a plane.

[SIGHING]

I'm ready,

Mr. Purcell.

MAN: Say it when you're ready.

[IRISH MUSIC PLAYING]