Original subtitles

...presents

You're a widow, mister!

Story and screenplay by

Merited artist

Featuring

and others

Assistant Director Cameraman

Deputy head of production Continuity

Costumes designed by Wardrobe by

Make-up Properties

Music by

Recorded by Lyrics to theme song by

Performed by

Film Editor Sound Editor

Sets designed by

Head of Production Team

Director of Photography

Directed by

Made at the Barrandov Film Studios

Processed at the Prague Film Laboratories

Your Highness, the plane

with His Highness Oscar XV is just landing.

- Do I give the impression that I'm blind?

You seem incapable of cutting out these monkey trick...

This impertinence mustn't get into the papers!

See to it, Steiner! - Yes, Sir.

Mind Out!

The kissing's over, now come the handshakes.

General Oatis.

- But the Prime Minister and I know each other.

- Gentlemen,...

But this is...

- Evelina Keletti and her husband, the tycoon.

- Yes, of course I know you, I saw your last film,

The Bath-Tub on the Terrace.

You played the title role, didn't you?

- Do you mean to maintain that Madame Keletti played the bath-tub,

dear Cousin?

You two are Cousins?

- All men are brothers,

and all Kings are Cousins, Madame Keletti.

- Oh, I see.

Present arms!

Sorry!

You and your monkey tricks!

This is the outcome...!

- Your Highness... - Silence!

I have a great idea. I shall abolish the army!

But Your Highness... - Silence!

You are a public danger!

Today you crippled a man and this is only a show.

What would you be up to if war broke out...

When did it happen?

- Seventeen minutes ago.

- I said size three and you hand me you... head-in-the-clouds!

Take care I don't make you unemployed!

- Professor! - Yes, Your Highness.

- Can one salute with this thing?

- Of course, and it even has one great advantage:

no nerves!

Even should a mule kick you, you wouldn't feel a thing!

- That's fine!

- Keep him amused!

The early morning edition, Your Highness.

- Rosebud IV is disbanding his army!

Oscar XV... and artificial hand made by Professor Somer!

It's in the papers already!

- That's quite normal, Your Highness.

The "Tempo" always knows in advance what's going to happen!

RUM

Stuart, the editor-in-chief wants a horoscope made out

for that new singer, is it ready yet?

- She's going to be terribly po... popular next year.

- Surely not! Is she such a talent then?

- No, but she'll be giving birth to sextuplets!

Come in.

Bobo!

I s... say, man, I haven't seen you f... for ages!

- Stuart, I got the sack.

- Well, ha... hacking off an arm...

- But I didn't do it on purpose!

- Wha... what can I do for you?

- Look here, please look into those charts of yours,

about what's going to happen to me, see. That's no problem for you, is it?!

- Well then, quick, your date of birth!

What have devised, Steiner?

- It's going to happen tomorrow afternoon.

The lift cable's going to snap, up on the fourth floor.

And the safety lock won't be working.

- There now, and no disbanding of the army!

- I have worked out the time table

for the festive ceremony to inaugurate the new government!

- We haven't won yet!

Some dreadful things have come out, Bobo! Ah, now I understand!

I'm to be killed! - And I?

- You're going to s... save my life!

- Me? - Yes.

You'll take up your trade again.

But I keep butting into the picture.

This has got me flummoxed!

We're probably jo... joining forces! - You and me? Together?

- Yeah. I'm to become a widow.

A widow twice over.

And then I'm to marry Molly.

- Molly Adams? You mean to say you love her?

- Yes. I'm to marry her

and... her husband too.

- You mean a sort of group-marriage? We wouldn't get the permit!

- The stars don't lie, Bobo!

- Stuart, you're to report at the Royal Palace immediately!

I don't believe in horoscope much, but you sure hit it off with that hand.

I'm really curious,l

after all, one doesn't abolish an army more than once in a lifetime,

so I hope there won't be any complications.

What will you have now, Mr. Hample?

Tea with rum.

Well, what have you worked out? - I say, don't keep interrupting him!

- Now then, that's enough!

I've had enough of your incessant rebukes!

What I really can't understand, Cousin, is that how a man of your disposition

wants to disband his army!

You have a contentious temperament!

- You'd do better to mind your own business! You hand's burning.

Damn it!

What do they make these things of?

- That's made of a foot. - A foot?

- I stepped onto a red-hot poker once and there was the same bad smell.

- Your Hi... Highness!

I've g... got it! But it's very dr... dreadful!

- You want to terrify me?

- A co... co... conspiracy! - Or put me to sleep?

- A co... conspiracy a... ...and an attempt on your life.

Some... something to do with the lift, and the f... fourth floor!

- A conspiracy? An attempt to be made on my life? And who's to make it?

Tel Oatis and that Steiner chap to come here!

Your tea! - Thank you.

- And how's it all going to end?

- We... well, un... unless they kill you.

- Original!

- General Oatis, Your Highness, and Major Steiner.

Oatis, there are preparations

under way for a conspiracy and an attempt on my life.

It's to take place in the lift, according to my information.

- That's impossible! Who told you, Your Highness?

- Mr. Hample, here.

The astrologer from the "Tempo"!

The s... stars don't lie, General!

- See that we don't become a laughing-stock!

I shall inform parliament, anyway.

You may go!

That astrologer guy must disappear!

That's task no.1! - Yes, Sir!

- No, John! Dear God, you mustn't die!

- I say, why the hysterics?

- You go and mind your cannon!

- Who's playing John?

- That slightly idiotic friend of yours, the stick-in-the-mud.

- Really, Gugenheim's not as bad as all that...

- They ought to mummify him so that he doesn't rot in that mud.

And do you know what's happening on the first night?

- Hm. A dress rehearsal.

- Mr. Steiner gets married to Miss Molly Adams!

- But I've told you that I don't want to get married!

- Oh you do, but you're too shy to say so.

We'll invite five to six people: Evelina, stage director Brant,

that Oatis of yours, my neighbour...

- Hample? That astrologer? - Yes.

He's a terribly nice man! He loves me, he mends my fuses

and he brings me fresh bread rolls...

Anyway, why, can't I ask whom I like?

- Yes, of course, and see you ask somebody who'll marry you!

- Oh but Robert... Now then, do you love me of don't you?!

- I'm really not in the mood today!

- Evelina!

- G... good afternoon.

I want to t... talk to you, if I may.

- Can't it wait, Mr. Hample?

- No... it's... it's about... ...about the wedding!

- So you know?

- The stars told me!

Ho... how do you know? - But what?

- That... we're going to get ma... married!

- What do you mean, we?! I'm marrying Mr. Steiner!

- Ah, I see, ye... yes, that's... That's correct.

We'd live together, all three of us!

- Can you please tell me

how you imagine that would work in practice?

- To tell you the truth, I thought it a bit odd too...

...but it's what the s... stars say and th... they don't lie!

- Per... perhaps we'll all get on well to... together.

Molly! Will you come and help these people,

they're looking for a certain Mr. Hample!

- Can I help you? - You're that fortune-teller guy?

Called Hample? - Ye... yes.

Our Colonel would like to know if his wife'll be having a boy

or a girl.

I'm sorry, I...

Is that him?

Sorry! But you s... said... ...that I'm to find out what...

what... what... what's to be born!

- Nothing's to be born, on the contrary, if you ask me!

Tie him up so he doesn't dodge about!

- So that was just a j... joke, about th... the baby?!

- I don't get it, he's so calm!

Like blooming calf!

You see I know that my fr... friend's co... coming, to save my li... life.

Sure thing...!

Some spares, Your Highness.

- Delightful. Thank you.

- Hope it keeps fine for you, Oscar!

- Couldn't you lend me that Hample bloke for a few days?

I'm preparing some proposals for parliament.

- The astrologer? Of course.

- I'm sorry, but that won't be possible, Your Highness.

Poor Hample passed on yesterday.

Something fell on his head.

- Hample is dead?

Don't do that in my presence, you know that I can't bear the sight of blood!

- Sorry!

- I want to say this:

I got you out of a hole...

...but under one condition! That it's kept under our hats!

- But Major, I'm a soldier, I know all about top secrets!

Steiner, see they bring that Hample's charts and maps to my flat -

I'm an antique collector.

- And have you verified it?

It's unbelievable! Thank you.

The Neurology Institute has just asked for the brain of that Hample chap!

- The brain of an astrologer of genius, General. -

They'll preserve it in alcohol. - Bravo! Gentlemen...

- Hample is dead and now nothing will stand in our way!

- Only after that prophecy of Hample's

not even a mouse can slip through to the King!

- I would take it upon me to propose a certain plan.

- Go on. - It has one disadvantage. -

It's too expensive! - Never mind.!

We have the State Treasury at our disposal...

- There is one person

who is received by the King at any time of the day or night.

Evelina Keletti.

- But she won't murder the King! - She will!

The permit to enter prison hospital.

- Ah yes, Mrs. Stubb! This way.

She got the noose, but she's damned lucky- she's dying - her liver!

About two more weeks and that's the end!

Here it is. She's just got a visitor.

Can't you give up! And you'll have to pay for that ball!

And this is what you would look like, Mrs. Stubb!

- Jesus! Crikey!

- Just a mo! I've seen that woman somewhere.

Show me! Damn you! - Don't you touch it!

Well, Mrs. Stubb? Hm...?

- Why ask? Of course I will!

- Well really, Fanny, surely I have something to say too!

Because if she's going to look like this bird,

then I'll be wanting my bit of fun!

- And what would you be wanting to do with me, you good-for-nothing!

- Hm... Just normal like...

- Poor fool.

- I don't want to deny you a thing, Mr. Bloom.

You can come any time you like.

Holy mackerel that dope gets on my nerves!

- Steiner... - But it's my own fault!

I botched it when I slit his throat.

- I beg your pardon? - Well, show the gent you scar!

- The one where you botched it when you tried to slit my throat.

- Yeah. Here.

And what about those other cases?

- My husband I bashed up with a frying pan.

- You're a widow? - Yeah. A widow.

And then there was the forest ranger,...

...the organist and the bartender.

Four murders in all, all sadistic.

I just said "Close your eyes, sweetie-pie!" and slit!

Blood, that's my hobby, and gold, too!

You also stole, Mrs. Stubb?

- Yeah! Like this.

Was it gold?! - It was.

- Just imagine, Mr. Strauss, that's how she pinched

a golden ladle this big, in one of the museums!

Boy, did we have a time trying to get it out afterwards.

I covered you that time, at the museum, what?

- What about popping out for a glass of rum Mr. Bloom?!

- Well, yeah, I could do that. And I'll bring back

a drop for you too, Fanny girl.

Mrs. Stubb, would you be capable of killing just anybody?

- If it's a man...

- It'll be a man, Mrs. Stubb! - It will it?

- And then you'll get a heap of money, a plane ticket to South America,

and you can live it high!

But one other thing!

They said you'd last another two weeks,

but can't wait that long, Mrs. Stubb!

Come here!

Stick these labels onto these two boxes.

On the left, that's the astrologer Hample, on the right the Stubb woman.

Send the left box to the neurology institute,

take the right hand box personally to Professor Somer's clinic.

There are brains inside those boxes, take care you don't mix them up!

- The left to the neurology institute, the right to Somer!

- To Professor Somer!

Right, the left to the neurology institute, the right to Somer!

- Are you Somer?

Well O.K., Professor then.

I've brought the brain, that Stubb woman's brain.

Would you please sign for it?

- I say, that's some brain!

You didn't get it mixed up with another one, or something?!

- Well, really...!

- Let's hope not...!

- Professor...

- You are a tormentor, Professor!

- One must suffer for the sake of beauty, madam.

- You certainly haven't suffered much in that respect, Professor!

It's setting! - Well, yes...

Would you kindly close your eyes?

- Yes.

We'll prise you out of your shell in a few minutes' time!

Didn't she find it fishy? - No. Thanks.

I told her it was a new face and body mask.

And the mould is complete.

But anyway, why all this secrecy?

- She's to shoot some dangerous sequences

and wants to do it herself, without a stand-in.

The King is naturally worried and has ordered a double to be made.

- Yes, I understand,

the sequences will just have to be filmed without her knowledge.

- Yeah.

- But if it's such a top secret, I can't very well ask for normal...

...that is to say human, material.

Is there any other possibility?

You can make your choice, the body can either be made up of veal or of pork.

So. What are you staring at?! A beauty parlour, see!

Who did the stomach?

- I did, Sir.

- I could have guessed!

What on earth made you put in a rumen, third stomach, and maw?!

She'd ruminate, you somnambulist!

Take care I don't make you unemployed!

Put it right!

She must have been really brainy, Professor!

Look at this, it's as big as a man's brain...

- Yes, I noticed that, too.

- And who was this Mrs. Stubb?

- I don't know, but in any case she must have been a woman

of quite unusual intelligence.

- Evidently had great acting talent.

- Well that doesn't signify great intelligence!

- If she's to play double to Evelina Keletti...

- I beg your pardon? There now. Finished!

Well, gentlemen...

I think that we can be satisfied, gentlemen!

Fantastic!

- Perfect job! Right down to the last freckle!

- Is she alive? - We left that job for you.

You're going to breathe life into the body, like God the Creator!

- I? - Yes.

Consider it a little mark of favour.

Just like mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

H... h... how d... dare you?!

- Just normal, a bit of shock, that's all. Look, how beautifully she stutters!

Who did the vocal chords?

- I did.

- Take care I don't make you unemployed!

Well, Mrs. Stubb, you're back on this earth!

- How come how come I've g... got this?

Where on earth did a chap like me get this?

Chap... Chap...

You're a woman and we don't expect much logic, but surely, Mrs. Stubb?

- Do... don't call me Mrs. Stubb!

And g... go away, how can you bother a chap in this st... state of undress!

- Chap? Come now, get hold of yourself.

Get used to it O.K.!

Never mind, you'll settle down in time.

- And what are you doing here, S... Steiner?

- There now, you know this gentleman, don't you? Your memory's coming back!

You've got some clothes for her. There's a spare wig over there.

It'll be better if we leave, she needs quiet.

Lots of luck, Mrs. Stubb.

- I'm no M... Mrs. Stubb.

They killed me, didn't they!

- They had meant to hang you,

but you died of your own accord at the prison hospital, Mrs. Stubb.

- Holy mackerel! Will you stop it!

And these w... will have to go t... too!

After all, I'm no woman!

- Oh yes you are, take a good look!

- But... But this is E... Evelina Keletti!

What is this supposed to mean, S... Steiner?!

- Well then I'll explain all over again.

You're Fanny Stubb, the widow of Ignatius Stubb...

- What?

A widow? I'm a wi... widow?

- But of course you're a widow!

- Well in that c... case ev... everything's O.K.

- That's fine then!

- If I'm a widow then I must h... have these too.

Widows do. Well, c... continue!

- And now, Mrs. Stubb, why have we given you back your life...

You are now going to undertake your fifth murder.

- Right. - What?

What? I'm to ki... kill somebody?

- But of course. The King!

You said: "As long as it's a man...!

B... - Never mind him, that's the cook.

What is it, Bobo? - Some man's waiting downstairs.

Such a...

- Just a moment, Mrs. Stubb!

Excuse me, Mrs. Stubb!

- One minute!

- Good evening.

- That's better! Well, I've come, that was our agreement...

- Ah yes. You're quick, aren't you!

Well, never mind. At least Mrs. Stubb won't be bored tonight...

This way.

Well now, isn't this a surprise, Mrs. Stubb?

Come, come, come, come!

- Christ, Fanny you're a sight for sore eyes!

Who's that? - Oh but you know him very well,

Mrs. Stubb. Just as soon as you remember!

I'll lend you a pair of pyjamas!

- What's that? - Pyjamas.

- Oh, I see.

- But I don't want to stay here w... with him!

- No wild orgies, mind, the chef's bedroom is below!

You can burn those pyjamas in the morning!

- G... go a... away!

- Stop stuttering and take off those glad rags!

I said take off those glad rags!

Did you hear, you so-and-so!

When you were an old nag I was good enough, what?

And now I'm not to touch you, what?

- St... stop pawing me about, you p... pig!

- You're so choosy all of a sudden!

Look... Well.

Look here! Got a pail?

- There's w... water in there. - Now then, come on!

Where's that pail then?!

Fanny, what's this hissing noise?

What sort of stupid joke is this? Cripes!

What son-of-a-bitch thought up this?

Ha, just look at the bright laddie - fresh out of Sing-Sing!

You... You damned old moll!

A cell all over again, or what?

You think you can get away with dousing decent people

and thingummy...

Open up, will you! Open up, I'm no chick,

I've got out of a different kind of cell in my time!

I'll show you...! - As you like - I don't feel anything.

Hm. Like a couple of animals!

We won't be getting much sleep tonight! - Let's hope

he doesn't break her or something!

- It's young, fresh veal.

- Now I'll show you who's master!

- How do you do, I'm H... Hample!

- Just a mo! Look here, you bitch, I'll tear you apart I will! You...

...you old duffer!

I'll set that new trap of yours back into shape, you...

Bobo!

Bobo!

- You're b... bats, B... Bobo! Stop it!

You've had one sp... spot of trouble with that s... sword already!

I'm S... Stuart!

Do you re... remember when I told you I'd become a wi... widow?

Well, h... here we are!

- Wha... what - Stuart? - I'll explain!

What goings-on!

That's no villa, that's a brothel!

- But Alfred, Steiner is a young man full of temperament...

And I'm to open negotiations with such rake about a real estate sale...!

You should warn that Molly of yours, so that she knows she's marrying!

- Love is love...

Bye-bye. - Bye-bye.

- Stop! What a bit of luck! - I beg your pardon...!

- Come here, I'll tear you apart and chop you up, I will!

- Alfred! - Alfred!

She's got an Alfred now...! - Alfred!!!

- What's going on here?!

- So you've got a new guy again?! Fast worker, you are!

- Away with you my man or I'll have you arrested this minute!

- You take care old chap,

I've got some right to this bird too!

For five years I rounded up all the fancy jobs for her,

and I sat in the clink in her place, too!

And she's suddenly gone hoity-toity on me!

- Police!

Police!!! - I'm coming, Mr. Keletti!

Get out, you scoundrel! There!

- You wait, Fanny, I'll beat up

that freckled fanny of yours for you! You...!

Freckled... You undressed in front of this man?

- Well, really, Alfred...!

- I can see that you haven't told me everything by far about your past!

- Don't be disgusting!

Where now, Mr. Keletti? - First to the bank

and then about that real estate to that...

...Steiner's! - Yes, Mr. Keletti.

- The sun has hidden its countenance behind the bulk of Mount Yve!

The hour of your death has arrived!

- Stop!

Stop! That's enough!

Christ, Gugenheim, what are there for?!

- Well really, I thought...

- Oh I see, you thought?

But you never think, so will you kindly not break that rule at least!

What are you doing after the rehearsal?

- I've got a date with the King.

- Listen, Evelina, be a dear and invite the King to my wedding, will you?

You see... - Why not ask him yourself?

I'll arrange a royal audience for you. - Well, shall we continue!

Start again from "Goodbye, friends!"!

- Goodbye, friends!

Long live good old England!

- Let not a drop of blood be wasted!

John! - Untie them!

- No! You will die too. And first!

Stop!

Who put the live ammo in there?! Props, here to me!

Listen, you, I'll have you arrested! Do you know what could have happened?!

How are you feeling, Madame? - Evelina!

- Are you all right?

- He... he cou... could have ki... killed me!

- Shock!

I think that means we've finished for today!

Damn it!

- He said you're not to get close to the window!

And not to out into the garden before nightfall.

I say, isn't this wrong or something?

Yes, that's better! That looks more like it.

- And wha... what do I do with this, B... Bobo?

- I don't know, I'm not a girl!

And I only studied at the Military Academy.

Got a s... safety-pin? - Yeah.

Doesn't that hurt?

- No. H... how do we work it t... tonight?

- As soon as Steiner locks everything up and goes into his bedroom,

I'll get a ladder up, you climb down and we'll disappear.

- You... you're running away wi... with me, Bobo?

- Yeah. I don't want to have anything more to do with Steiner.

- Bobo! - Lo... look here,

don't do that... get away from me!

- D... don't be idiotic! This is nothing

but a hun... hundredweight of v... veal!

- That's just the thing, and I'm a chef!

I'll brush it out for you!

Put that thing out! Quick!

My name is Keletti.

- Mr. Steiner is... not... - Show me those clothes!

- Oh no, you'd soil you hands, they're messy and crushed!

- Thank you, I've seen quite enough!

- Peggy! Peggy!

Just imagine Alfred, I made a great buy today!

Isn't it beautiful?

You gave the servants the day off? Why?

- Wait and you'll see why. Where have you been?

Ah, what a day this has been...

Nothing but excitements and thrills all day long!

- Really?! But I can see that your clothes are cleaned up!

The thrills you experienced on the floor or directly on the dung-heap?!

- What are you saying, Alfred?

- You tell me! Tell me of the fun you had with Steiner!

Who is better, that stinking tramp who knows all about your freckles,

of Steiner, who wipes his feet on you?!

I haven't been to Steiner's flat in my life!

- That you have! And naked!

- Why are you so offensive? You know that I'm incapable of lying!

- You...

You...

You... incapable of lying?! You snake-in-the-grass!

Ouch! - Alfred, did you hurt yourself?

My conscience is as pure as fallen snow!

- You unscrupulous monster!

You tramp's concubine!

What's the matter with him?

- Nothing. - Come along home!

- Don't do that, Mr. Keletti!

- You there, kick that chair away, will you!

Don't do it!

We should have that repaired, Mr. Keletti. It could kill somebody!

Take that chair away or you're fired without notice!

- But it's quite unnecessary, Mr. Keletti!

- I have killed my wife, I want to die!

- That woman looks the very image of your late wife...

- What do you mean by that?

- Well. If we manage to lure her in here, you'll be in the clear!

I've got a ladder ready, Mr. Keletti!

- A ladder? - You can depend on me!

Do you see the likeness?

- Stuart, listen, that's settled, right?

I'll come and get you through the window.

Damn it, stop smoking! - What if he walked in here...

- Hell!

Will you kindly not do this!

But its so ho... hot in here.

- You'll be paying a visit to the King tomorrow.

You'll be given your directions and the knife in the morning.

Good night!

- These damn si... silly tricks of yours, Bobo?! Bo... Bobo!

Stuart! Stuart!

Where are you, damn it all? Steiner's fast asleep.

Come along, we've got to go!

- ... men have more resistance.

But if you give a woman a good sniff,

she doesn't wake up until she's in kingdom come!

- What do you mean "kingdom come"?

- Obvious. We'll turn on the gas!

And in the morning the whole world will hear that you wife

committed SUICIDE...

And you'll be a widower, but not a murderer!

- Thank you. I'll never forget what you've done for me!

Where on earth did that Steiner find such a perfect duplicate?!

Poor girl! Now she'll find the corpse.

Is there anything wrong?

There must be - Madam wants her tea with rum!

Excuse me.

Do please have a little understanding for our jobs!

Please don't be angry, but the public wants to be kept informed.

Wants to know how Mrs. Keletti is feeling.

- After that shock she received yesterday at the theatre!

- Excuse me, gentlemen! Could I talk to her?

Impossible! My wife isn't... ...isn't quite herself this morning!

- I quite understand.

I was present when it happened at the theatre yesterday.

But... Please understand I must talk to her! The premiere's approaching!

I'm telling you for the last time that she's unconscious

and that I refuse to let you in!

Excuse me... - Madame for the "Tempo". - For the "Express"!

- Madam, don't forget the premiere!

She didn't even recognize me! - It's more serious than I thought.

She take my car!

- Follow her!

I heard that you have suffered a bad shock, madam.

- Th... that's not im... important just now!

- Of course. Of course.

Well, and what would you be willing

to pay for those maps? - A... anything.

- Surely not anything?!

Anything I may ask for? - Everything.

- But for a man of my temperament

that can mean but a single thing, madam...

This body of mine is not of fir... ...first-rate importance to me.

- But it is to me! I've been longing for you for years!

I dream of you!

- No... no kissing!

- My word, that's substantial underwear you're wearing my dear...!

How does one take them off? - I d... don't know!

And interesting model!

Who's the visitor? - Some reporter.

It's nothing but work, work, work at our place Gerti.

Ah...!

A bit of masochist, what?

Do y... you like ve... veal?

- Why? - Nothing. Just a question.

We'll talk later, O.K.?

I haven't experienced such a thrill for years, madam!

No, Gerti, that doesn't matter a bit, even if he is working!

Omar would never forgive you for not dropping in.

This way. - Oh!

- Ugh, Omar!

You should be ashamed of yourself! This is the end between you and me!

- Who's that?

- Don't you pretend that you don't know me, you... You slut!

- Here she is!

Come on in, quick!

- Dear God, Mary, we must be sensible!

- Sensible?!

- Couldn't you at least put on your clothes?

We must keep this quiet, Mary! My career's at stake!

- Keep it quiet you may,

but it means an end to my love!

- Keep it quiet you may, but it means an end to my love!

- ... an end to my love. - Oh!

- General! Words fail me...!

- What do you all want in here?! Out, immediately!!!

- Excuse me, but I've got a press card!

Your wife has just broken up my home!

- Oh madam, I wouldn't take it as hard as all that!

You know that these artists have a different sort of set of morals -

they are like birds.

- Bu... but the ma... maps are mine now, aren't they?

- How's that? How's that?

- But you... you un... undressed me!

- But you know that we didn't get as far as...

- Well then everybody go a... away, so that he can undress me!

- Oh! - This is unbelievable!

- You see Madame Keletti is an antiques collector

and she wanted... My maps.

- I wouldn't take it so hard! - Nor I!

- You know these collectors... They have a different set of morals -

like the worker-bee. Isn't that right?

- How could you make such shameless use of my wife's passionate nature?!

I'm no... no wife of y... yours!

He wanted to turn the ga... gas on me!

- Please don't forget that she has experienced a shock!

You must convince her that she's your wife! Otherwise - prison for you!

- But of course she's my wife!

This will mean a duel! - A duel! Oh!

- You overdid that!

- You see, Omar, a duel! Because of some maps...

- Well, do I get undressed or... - Christ, no!

Dear God, do understand my situation...

- Be quiet! This is the end between the two of us!

Gerti will be my witness at court!

- Mary,... - At court? Oh!

- Why take it to court, madam?!

Why break up a family, the very foundation of society?

Look here, why don't you two shake hands.

- I ne... need those ma... maps! Come on, let's go into the next room,

maybe we'll manage to get these things o... off if we join forces!

- Great God, that's enough! You can keep those damned maps,

and get out! Everybody out!

- We don't get out, it's you who gets out!

You lecher! The villa belongs to me!

After what has happened I assume you must realize

that this can end only in one way- catastrophe.

- We'll have to get rid of her- the sooner the better!

Let her have those charts or she'll tear the house down!

- We must set our plans very cleverly!

She's gone. Disappeared!

- This is a very dangerous situation!

- The woman's a notorious murderer!

If she kills someone, it'll be our end!

- They'll catch her and she'll blab!

- The King will disband the army day after tomorrow!

And then he'll have it out with us!

Leave it! Thank you, Steiner...!

- If he's dead he won't be able to have anything out with us...!

I am willing to lay down my life in this cause.

I shall break into his bedroom and...

- And, and, and, and... What?

- I know how this must be done!

I had been looking forward to my wedding very much indeed,

gentlemen, but I am willing to sacrifice anything for our cause!

My fianc�e Miss Molly Adams has been granted an audience

with the King toady at one o'clock.

- But that means that she would die to!

- There's nothing to be done about that! - Jesus Christ!

- That's the only possible solution.

- I... is that you, B... Bobo?

S... Stuart.

Wh... what's that you're saying? Molly Adams?

No... no I don't understand you!

Listen carefully, Stuart!

They want to do Molly in, do you understand?

The King and Molly!

I didn't hear the end. But you're an astrologer, aren't you...?

Hm.

Explosion, wardrobe department.

Wardrobe...

One o'clock, explosion...

Bring me an aspirin and a glass of water!

It'll be quite easy!

But how?

This is the way!

I'll be waiting downstairs and you'll ask her in here.

I'll call her to the window from the garden,

you'll have the kindness to step on that loose parquet and that's that!

Death by misadventure! - Let's hope it works out his time!

- We'll have to test the plan!

Hey, what are you doing there?!

Mr. Keletti! Mr. Keletti!

- What is it? - She's running away!

Just look up there, to your left! - Hold her back!

Mr. Keletti...

Come along in, I'm just having a bath! - Mo... Molly...

Come along into the bathroom, don't stand out there in the hall!

I phoned your house a few minutes ago and the secretary told me

that your husband had something wrong with his head. Just a migraine, maybe?

- Yeah. A migraine.

- Be a dear and scrub my back, will you? - Yeah.

- I'm to be at the palace in an hour and this is the state I'm still in...

I'm so nervous

that I'd much rather not go there at all.

- Don't go! Do... don't go! We... we'll stay here

and I... I'll gi... give you your b... bath.

- Are you mad?! I had a new dress made for the occasion...

Do you know what, why don't you go and have a look at it?

- And what about he... here.

- No, thanks. - And your t... tummy!

- That's enough!

Listen, what's wrong with you?!

- Go and take a look at that dress, you're keeping me!

How am I to address the King, - Your Highness or Your Royal Highness?

- You're no... not going to see any King!

- Yes, I'm walking, it's such a little way

it's not worth taking the car!

- No, I w... won't let you go!

- Why not? You arranged the audience for me yourself!

- You're st... staying put!

- What on earth has got into you today!

Surely you're not jealous now...?

Give me that key! - No... no I w... won't!

- Evelina! - There!

The jealous bitch!

Mind! Here they are!

Now!

Oh!

Can't you be more careful, man?!

Our apologies, madam!

We'll set this right this very minute.

The shoe!

When is it timed for... - In five minutes.

Go!

Taxi!

Taxi!

What's the hurry, Fanny! We've got something to settle first!

There now, now you won't run out on me, you...

You bitch! Wait! Wait!

Help! Help! - Sorry.

- N... nothing happened! Taxi! - Sorry!

I am quite exceptionally happy to meet you.

Madame Keletti has often been telling me about you.

She is as unusually wise and witty young lady.

And I have a great respect for her opi...

Don't you hear something ticking by any chance?

- Le... let go! Le... let go! Un... un... get undressed!

- I? - Molly!

- M... Molly, get un... undressed! Come here! Come here! Come here!

- Good heavens, Evelina... Have you gone mad, God, are you crazy?!

- Y... your dr... dress! Wait! - Leave me alone!

Madame Keletti...! - Don't take my dress!

- Now the, Mrs. Keletti,...! I know you want to please me.

But at such a price, surely...

The girl will catch cold!

- Dear God! Please turn round, Your Highness!

- M... Molly, come on! Come on! - Yes, of course.

Madame Keletti, really this just will not do...!

Do realize what would happen if the Prime Minister walked in...!

- Ouch! - Molly!

- Mrs. Keletti! That's enough!

Listen, you must have been drinking!

Come here and brea... - Excuse me!

Wh... whoops!

And what do I walk home in...? - You went a bit far, this time,

Mrs. Keletti!

This get-up gives rather a bad impression.

...you are our last hope!

The King will be disbanding the army the day after tomorrow.

Anyway, they do say that you're a better shot then actor!

- How dare you...! - But I'd be capable of making you

the first tragedian in the land, do you understand?! -

Othello, Hamlet, Romeo,...

...Picasso! Or manager of this theatre, or Minister of Culture - anything!

- But a King, that's no small matter...!

Regicide...

- It won't be you, it'll be the props man!

- What do you mean, the props man?

- You know what happened at the rehearsal!

There'll be "misadventure" again - a live bullet...!

Did you say theatre manager?

I thought she'd gone crazy! And just imagine,

in the end she climbed over the balcony in Mr. Hample's flat.

- Hample's flat? Hm.

But how could Mrs. Keletti have know what was afoot?

- She's rather queer nowadays altogether.

- What do you mean, queer?

- She keeps looking at me in such a moon-struck way...

And she stutters!

- What?! - Miss Molly onstage!

- She stutters?

- But the king was wonderful!

Just imagine, he accepted my invitation to attend our wedding!

Are you glad? Bye-bye.

Professor Somer? Steiner.

Would you be so kind as to borrow the brain of astrologer Hample

from the neurology institute?

I am of the opinion that the man's alive.

- You were right, some error must have been made.

This is definitely a woman's brain!

The Stubb woman. Fanny Stubb.

All right then, but where is Hample running around?

Don't you worry about that.

And that'll be the end of you, Stuart Hample!

It's veal! - Surely we won't throw it out...

Any way, do you know how much such a wedding feast comes to?

- All right! In that case let's put a veal joint on the menu...

And we can make soup of this.

- And what else?

- And then we could have some veal knuckles,

or ragout, or aspic... It's make a beautiful aspic!

Will you kindly step back, Major, or you'll get blood all over you!

- Wait! You know that I can't bear the sight of blood!

My God, your disposition, Man...

- Hurry, hurry, hurry! Well! O.K.!

- My dr... dress, B... Bobo!

- Take it! There's your dress, take it! Yeah.

Well. Wait - fasten this on!

As witness at the wedding you have to have it.

Bon appetit! - Thank you.

What a pity the King had to go away. I heard that veal knuckles

are his favourite speciality.

- You seem to be in a marvellous mood today, madam! Your health!

Hey!

Sorry.

- She's trying to forget the loss her husband!

- I'm just as badly off in that respect as you are, madam. There. -

All alone.

What do you say we both change our lives from the very foundations?

What do you say to that? - I... I'd sure need that...

...you don't know how! - Cheers!

I'm really thinking of getting married again!

I've made an appointment for you this afternoon with Professor Somer

about that stuttering of yours.

He says he'll put you right by the time the evening performance starts!

- Th... that makes me a h... happy woman!

I shall be watching your performance from the Royal box, dear Evelina!

- Maybe it would be better if you were to sit elsewhere...!

- W... why should you sit el... elsewhere?

- Oh that was just a little joke!

Do you remember what happened when General Stollwerk got married?

- I heard that he got married in a submarine

and that they ran out of air in the middle of the marriage ceremony!

An editor once got married in a balloon

and they le... left the I... load on.

When they were over the pond they began to sink

and they h... had to throw out the pri... priest!

You made that up, madam! - No! No! No!

That happened to one of o... our staff at the "Te... Tempo"!"

- You on the staff of the Tempo? I know it was a joke!

- All actresses like making up stories, don't they?

- Not only actresses! Opera singers, soubrettes...!

Listen, man, you must have killed

the real Mrs. Keletti for the wedding feast!

- Do you think so?

- This is the Hample guy!

- But then, in our line of business things are different,

one soldier with too much imagination

can cause the whole regiment to fall apart...!

- I personally do not have any great faith in dreamers either.

But I do appreciate a bit of imagination in women and in cooks.

You have an excellent chef, Madame!

The ve... veal is delectable!

The fork slides into it like butter!

- I had meat prepared in this fashion only once before in my life.

That was on Quadapulpo. - But they are cannibals!

- Perhaps you are a cannibal and don't even realize it!

Yes, Sir?

- You've got me into a fine mess, my man!

We've just eaten a famous actress, understand?!

And the General wanted to marry her! - But he had three helpings!

- We're cannibals and that's against the law!

- What do you mean to do?

- There's only one thing left for me to do!

- Where are you go... going?

- Why do you ask, Stuart Hample?

- W... why is Oa... Oatis to sit else... elsewhere?

What are you planning at the th... theatre?

Well that's one thing you won't get to know!

Bobo! B... Bobo!

- You scoundrel, it's all your fault that we ate up Mrs. Keletti!

- She's going to haunt you, all ch... chewed up as she is!

Swing at him!

- Swing at him!

Damn it, swing at him, will you!!!

Calm down, Madame! Professor Somer has managed greater miracles!

- Of course. But how did it happen?

- A bit of bad luck. He was combing his hair and...

- Hm, hm.

Can you save him?

- If he lived through this,

then certainly!

Will you please follow me, Madame,

this little stuttering trouble of yours will be set right by my first assistant.

He's an expert on vocal chords.

It is all a matter of just a few minutes, Madame.

Set the lights!

Vocal chords are no problem!

There is a total of fifteen in the human being,

the squirrel only has two

and that explains why there is such peace and quiet in a forest.

Excuse me.

You sure finished him off, you boffin...!

Take care I don't make you unemployed...!

- Poor little Molly, she'll go out of her mind for grief!

- This means the premiere's off

and I've got a ticket...! Take it away!

I th... think this could still be settled some w... way or other!

W... wouldn't it be a pity of Molly were to be done out of a hu... husband

and you out of your p... premiere! - And what do you suggest?

Si... simple - give my brain to S... Steiner

and put that o... one in he... here!

And what you would do in a man's body I can't imagine, Mrs. Keletti!

I'm n... not the Ke... Keletti woman at all!

It's me, S... Stuart Hample! And this is veal!

You'll sa... save yourself having to do another o... operation!

That lady is sure n... not to stutter!

Can you tell me, why is it taking so long?

- Three and a half hours isn't that long, Sir!

Finish this off! How are you doing?

- Practically finished.

- And now breathe life into her!

I don't want to get a slap for my trouble!

Don't you worry,

that was quite a different matter when Mr. Hample was waking up to life.

Here we can assume that this Mrs. Stubb was a lady,

and that she'll behave accordingly.

She'll be taken aback for a little while... We must be tactful!

Come here, you with glasses!

So you feel like having it out with the old Stubb girl?!

- Just you calm down, Mrs. Stubb! Calm down, please!

Help me please! Help me!

Do stop it, Mrs. Stubb!

He's a family man, has two children!

- No! No! No! No!

Pull yourself together!

Did you see that show of sexual temperament,

that insatiable personality?

That must have been some bird! - Is this possible?

- Just you calm down, Mrs. Stubb!

You have now become a young famous actress,

your name is Evelina Keletti and you're a widow.

- Evelina Ke... ...Evelina Keletti.

- Listen, do you have any stage experience?

- Yeah. - What sort of part?

- A toadstool. When I was at kindergarten.

- And say you were now to play the role of a Goddess

who slits people's throats in a Temple,

do you think you could manage?

- Close you eyes sweetie and slit!

- Well then, that's fine!

You can go and get dressed!

Open up the clamps! That's right!

Excellent work. - So we saved that young actress's

marriage.

- Yes. Only that now she'll have an astrologer

for a husband instead of a major.

- Won't she be surprised when she finds

that her husband knows a whole week in advance what's to be for lunch.

- Or with whom she'll be having an affair next year,

except that that'll be less pleasant to know!

- For him or for her?

- Stop rattling on and breathe life into the chap!

Finished! Yes.

Well laddie, let's have a look at you!

Mind! It's fresh!

Where's M... Molly?

Listen, Stuart Hample, I just realized

that you got yourself a really fine wife and scot free!

Well, Steiner, are you all right?

- Y... yes. - Excellent!

Mind you're at the theatre in time,

the King must disappear tonight at any cost!

- I beg your pardon?

- But the King... After all, it was your idea!

- General, Mrs...

...Keletti is perfectly all right again.

But now it's Mr. Ham... er... Steiner who's stuttering for a change.

- Never mind, Professor, the main thing is he's alive!

Thank you!

Dear Evelina!

I'd like to take you home to your villa now, if you'll permit me.

- Well knock me down with a feather! I've even got

a house!

And who are you supposed to be? Is this gold?

- The actress in you will out! - That voice, that elocution!

- Elocution! Elocution!

Listen, who was that Stubb woman actually?

Good gracious, that's some barn! - Barn!

Evelina, you're a treasure! A treasure!

How many hidden facets your talent has!

- What does this guy want? - Excuse me.

Before I leave the house as the very last member

of its former staff,

I would like to tell you one thing, General.

I know nothing of this woman -

but it is not she!

Your deceased husband's secretary was evidently crazy!

- What if some damned fool barges in on us again?

- No, no, no, my dearest!

We are alone at last!

- That's fine!

What about stretching out on the sofa? - I beg your pardon?

- Lie down! - Gladly! Evelina, gladly!

Come here, Evelina, last time it was so madly...

...so madly thrilling!

Come, my angel, we'll be in paradise in a minute!

- Sure thing!

Take that tie off so that I can get at your neck!

My neck! Ah, I adore that!

What's that - ticking?

Close you eyes, baby! - My beloved!

Thi... thi... this is Hample, Bobo!

Come to the th... theatre at once! There are c... conspirators there!

But hu... hurry!

What is it?! - How on earth are you driving?!

How on earth are you driving??!!

Ah, it's madam! - Where's there a theatre round here?

I don't want to miss my cue - I'm to slit some people's throats!

Show me! - You're right in front of the theatre!

- That?

- Hey! Hey!

Miss Molly... ...or I should say Mrs. Steiner,

your husband called - he's quite all right again, and he'll be coming!

- Thank you. - She'll be my ruin!

But when that Keletti comes I'll... - Here she is!

- Hell! Stinking hell!

- I was just saying that I was worried you wouldn't be coming!

- I'd have to be daft to miss such an opportunity!

Hey, don't touch!

No sign of the stutter!

But I think you have a slightly lower timbre.

So this is what I'm supposed to use to finish the people with?

- Listen, do hurry up or you'll come on late! You'll miss it!

- Your shoes! - Look, kitty, I'll miss you...

Joking apart, Evelina! And do hurry, we're starting in a minute! Right?

Where's Oatis? - I have no idea, Your Highness.

But he'll be sure to arrive for the performance,

he wouldn't miss Mrs. Keletti's performance for the world today!

They became engaged today!

- Engaged to Oatis, that idiot?

- That's how it is, Your Highness.

That woman belongs to the psychiatric ward

not on stage!

Where do I find this bird? - On stage.

- Just a tick! Where's that?

- Over there.

So what? - The column, it was there yesterday!

- Really, and where? - Here it is!

Come on, chaps! Come here!

In that place where you say "The hour of your death has arrived!"...

- Yeah! - ... draw out the pause, will you!

And what's the ticking noise?

- You'd do better to tell me whose throats I'm to slit!

Or doesn't it matter? - How can you be in the mood

for joking now? Really! Go on!

Madame... - Now?

You dare spit at me, you pig!

Let us turn to God, dear friends!

This is the end!

- I fear the worst,

I have a feeling that John is dead!

- No, John! Dear God, you mustn't die!

- Molly!

- If you are dead, I want to die with you!

- That John is evidently hidden inside that column!

My goodness, how naive!

- Quiet! Here they come!

The sun has hidden its countenance behind mount Yve!

- What? - The hour of your death has arrived!

You shall die! - Me? Bullshit!

Thirsty!

Now you're supposed to say "You shall die!", madam!

- Ah!

You shall die, Madame! - No!

- Ha, you wait and see! You're in for a eye - opener, Missy!

- An interesting conception... - Very informal.

- You mean to sacrifice us to your Gods...

- Curtain!

- Reconsider! - Enough!

Curtain!

- Stop screaming at me, you poor sap! - Great Ra,

the Sun God, thirsts for your blood.

- That's good! - He is also the God of Rainfall!

- What does he send down?

I see.

In return for your blood he will send down rain

to dampen our ever- thirsting land!

Stop gaping and get some beer!

I thought this takes place in Egypt!

- Maybe the stage director wanted to express some new thought this way!

- Hardly.

What did the tickets cost us?

- Nothing. - And a good job, too.

- Long live good old England! - Stop!

Goodbye, friends!

- Let us proudly stand and bear the thrust of the blade.

- Ah!

Not a drop of blood will be...

Wasted! - Hi!

- Hi! - Hi, Koko!

- You... chump!

You...! - Koko!

Come on, come on...! Don't be stupid! Don't be stupid!!!

Excuse us.

- Koko, come on climb out of that drum,...

- But then it's not so bad as a comedy.

- It's supposed to be a tragedy, Your Highness!

Out of the way! - John!

- What's up? - Untie her!

- Not blooming likely!

- You'll die too, and you'll be the first to die!

- Oh, that one? Come on, puss!

- Untie those ropes! - Come along!

Throw that stuff away!

There's a neck for you!

Oh! Maestro!

Close your eyes, sweetie! - But Mrs. Keletti,...

Good! But a bit naturalistic.

Didn't I say the woman is crazy?!

She slit his throat as if it were a chicken!

Gugenhaim's dead, start out on plan "B"!

Lights! Lights!

Where are we going chaps?

Your Highness is all right? - The King had disappeared!

- They've abducted him! - Don't panic!

Don't panic! - Let me go!

That old hen in the hole down there said he's to die first!

So why did you drag me down here in the first place?

You... goons! Are you all dumb or what?

Hey! - Just a moment, you are?

- The sixth infantry regiment from Ivancice.

The King is at the given spot!

- P... pardon? - Plan "B" has come off!

- What... what is "plan B" supposed to be? I've f... forgotten.

- But that was your idea! The King is now...

Where is the King?! - D... don't be a nut, Bobo!

I'm S... Stuart!

And I was ju... just about to be to... ...told where the Ki... King is!

- Sorry! But how was I to know

that you... er... moved again?

- I f... forgot to te... tell you!

- Robert!

Robert!

- Aren't you a lucky guy!

Listen, actually Molly has both Steiner and you now!

- The s... stars don't lie, Bobo!

- We're together at last! Ale you glad?

- Te... terribly glad! The only thing I'd still like to know is

"what plan "B" means!" - You're an astrologer, aren't you...!

An explosion, a bed!

An explosion...

A bed! This is terrible!

- But why is it terrible?

- But...

A b... bed! Do understand! - Darling!

What is it?

"- Plan "B"!"

"- What do you mean, plan "B", " these are somebody's feet!

There's a man in there! - Q... quick!

- Your Highness! - Your Highness!

- What idiot put me under the sheets? Am I a hot water bottle or something!

- Your Highness! Are you all right?

- I suppose this was some conspiracy again.

Are you involved in this, Steiner?!

- I... I'm not S... S... - Stop stuttering!

What's the time? We mustn't miss the fireworks!

- Wh... what fireworks?

- At midnight - to celebrate the disbanding of my army.

Flags, cannons banging, a hundred and twenty bands!

The money! And the pla... plane ticket for South America! You promised!

- Listen, Mrs. Keletti...

- Shut up and look here, if you don't mean to pay up

all I have to do is whistle! - Koko's waiting under the window!

- She escaped from a loony- bin!

- Come on then?! Well, how long do I have to wait?!

You said I was to fix one bloke, didn't you...

Well, I fixed two. - Two!

- Mrs. Keletti, you and I have finished!

- Leave me alone you old geezer!

- That's the Ki... King, Mrs. S... Stubb!

- Mrs. Stubb? Have you all gone mad?

Hush! There's something ticking in here again!

- Hush!

That's...

Koko! - Steiner!

- Robert! - Stuart!

- Robert!

I hope she had a parachute, Steiner!

Your Hi .. Highness, I'm no... not...

The fireworks!

You wait, you bitch, I'll pull you apart!

The end

Starring