Original subtitles

Margaret! Can't get away from each other

Oh, God, you've been spending some money Not on us I hope

Listen, no one comes for a meal at our place and goes hungry

If you can't push the boat out with your next-door neighbours, it's a poor do

By the way, I asked your husband if there's anything that upsets his stomach,

he said the TV commercial for Scottish Widows

Yes, that has been known to produce outbreaks of vomiting

Food-wise, Betty, I wouldn't worry You're talking about a black hole with tonsils

I've known plastic cutlery disappear down there before today

-So, look, we'll see you, what, about 7:00? -Oh, lovely

I don't want to be out too long, we've got a painter starting work this morning

and 1 0-to-1 Victor still won't be back in time

He only popped out to pick up a new answering machine

but, knowing him, anything could have happened

(INAUDIBLE)

(INAUDIBLE)

''To record an outgoing message on your

(STRUGGLING) ''Hukusuatsui answering machine,

''press 'ogum'

''and speak three inches from the microphone''

Ogum Ogum Ogum!

(BEEPING)

(SHOUTING) This is Victor Meldrew

To leave a message, please speak after the tone

Just hear that back now

(REPEATING IN JAPANESE)

Turned into bloody Japanese How the hell did that happen?

Bloody machines

Well, that's another classic, isn't it?

Even by the standards of this household

To my dying day I will never understand

Oh, you are back then

Sorry? Yes, I've been back for half an hour

I would've been back earlier but I got collared by a detective, if you please, coming out of the shop

Said I was just the right look for an identity parade they were carrying out

Some bloke's been exposing himself to elderly housewives

Then, after a lot of faffing about, it turned out they got the wrong man

Ah! Here we are English operation

Need to be ruddy Stephen Hawking now to understand these things

(ELECTRONIC VOICE) Please enter your ID code.

Talk of the devil

Did you manage to get your appointment at the optician's okay?

Yes, next Saturday morning No problem in that department

Number of messages received. 1 1.:09 p.m.

What's wrong with this bloody thing now?

You, er, came in the front just now, I take it

Yes, why?

Oh, because I think if you'd been out the back

Please enter your ID, enter your ID.

-You might just have -Your ID. Your ID.

-You might have noticed -(SPEEDING UP) ID. ID. ID. ID. ID. ID...

Will you shut that bloody thing off?

(VERY FAST) ID. ID. ID. ID. ID...

Pinky and Perky at Maplins

That young man you asked to come here today to paint our house?

What about him?

I think it might just be worth sticking your head out of the door to check on his progress

But why can't people be more specific?

He stuck his card through the door, I rang him up It all seemed perfectly straightforward

When is anything you do straightforward?

Like that business yesterday, nearly getting stabbed to death in your own staircase

You look for enemies all the while, you'll find them Sheer paranoia half the time

When two blokes ask if they can pop in to use your toilet,

you don't imagine they're gonna start dealing drugs

I mean, what have I got to do? Keep a sniffer dog in the downstairs lavatory now?

It's a very grubby world out there, Margaret, you just don't see it

The things that go on in broad daylight

Is it daylight? Very hard to tell with that great rusting hulk in the way

And I don't see why you've got such a problem on that score

Plenty of people buy caravans for their holidays without having to go to war over it

Holiday? Oh, you must be joking

It has all the charm of an iron lung

People across the road thought we'd left it out for the dustman

Just needs a bit of a spring clean, that's all Then, it'll be as good as

Oh, for the love of

Can you believe this? What it says on this box! I've only just noticed

That chap in the electrical shop, see what he scrawled all over the top here?

Look! ''Meldrew's a turd''

I'll knock his bloody block off!

''Meldrew's a turd''

''Meldrew Saturday To be collected''

Like I said, sheer paranoia

There's definitely a full stop after ''turd''!

Or, is it afly dropping?

Yes, I'm afraid it was all a pain in the A-R-S-E, really,

my first marriage, the way it worked out

She was a money-grabbing little S-O-D Took everything

-Left me, well -Without a P-O-T to piss in

In a word, Victor, in a word

I mean, it's not something you want to hear, really, is it?

That your wife's been going to bed with a windscreen wiper

One of those chaps,

who does your car at the traffic lights

Apparently, they'd been at it for months Getting up to all kinds of weird games

I never had a clue

Even the squeegee ruts in her bottom, I just took for cellulite

So that was that, I'm afraid

And, of course, all the strain of the divorce, I came out in this terrible nervous rash

You know that thing, where you're losing all your body heat

They had to rush me to hospital wrapped from head to foot in metal foil

Talk about ''oven-ready'', when I first met him

Touch wood, he's been fine since then, haven't you?

Since I eliminated all stress from my life, settled down into a job I really enjoy

And, yes, what is it you do exactly? I don't think you said

I'm a cartoonist Yes, didn't Betty tell you? I draw cartoons for magazines and newspapers

You know in the local, on the back page McVitie's View.

The little man who comments on the news every night

Oh, yes! That miserable old twerp who's always moaning about something

He's very funny So you're that McVitie

Where do you get your ideas from?

I don't suppose we'll be seeing much of him for the next couple of weeks

Derek and Betty are renting a cottage in Norfolk for a fortnight Doesn't that sound idyllic?

Yes How about you? You've got your caravan now

You gonna take it somewhere nice?

Well, I thought we might just pop down

Oh, yes, I think we better change the subject, if you don't mind

Well, anyway, I must say it's been a real treat having you over tonight Hasn't it?

It has Which only goes to show, you can't believe everything you read in books

No, that's absolutely Sorry?

A couple of weeks ago we found this

On the top shelf of the wardrobe Left behind, we assume, by our predecessor

Chap was clearly deranged Things he's written in there

Some tale about you trying to get him and his wife into bed with you one night

Oh, what was the one about the naked man swinging past the window like Tarzan?

Flesh-eating crabs in his underpants It was like something out of William Burroughs

What did he do? Go around sniffing fire extinguishers?

That was painless enough tonight, then Seemed very pleasant in the end

-What's this doing here? -Oh, that's got to go back It's got a faulty nozzle

When are you going back? Perhaps you haven't been pressing it properly

(EXCLAIMING)

What did I just say? You turn it upside down, it'll stop

Yes,

well, it's certainly nice to have neighbours that we get on with again

Who don't spell out rude messages with their socks on the washing line

When was this?

Day before they moved out With a glove at the end, giving two fingers

So, can we make a real effort, do you think, this time, to stay on the right side of them?

Build-up of greenhouse gases, I think that's what I've got

Like someone's been up your bottom with a bicycle pump

Old age, I suppose Everything going slack and seizing up

Very gurgly gut tonight Oh, hang on

It's on the move

Here we go Another blast from the past

(HAWAII FIVE-O THEME PLAYING)

(MUSIC STOPPING)

Too much fizzy water, that will be how

Must drink it still in the future See if that helps

(MARGARET SNORING)

(SNORING CONTINUES)

Morning, Mr Meldrew Hard at it?

Ah, yes, good morning

Been quite a while since you had an upright, so your wife was saying

I beg your pardon?

Oh! Yes Got it last week

Got very good suction to it

So, how are you these days?

Oh, yes, house still feels very empty without her

But, um, I was having a bit of clear out the other day, actually

Some of her old things and I thought you might like this

I'll have no use for it, obviously

Well, I suppose not

-Thank you very much -You're very welcome

Yes, yes, I should imagine this will look quite nice once you've finished

What're you gonna do? Get a priest in, or just not bother?

I'll

-What do you mean? -Sorry?

What do you mean, ''get a priest in''?

Oh, sorry, I naturally

You've not seen the front page of this week's Psychic News then?

Psychic News?

Yes, it gave me quite a turn when I first read it, I don't mind admitting

''Residents in Lichfield, Staffordshire breathed a sigh of relief last week

''when a mobile home,

''said to contain the spirit of Satan worshipper, Mrs Velda Bassett,

''finally left town

''after finding a surprise buyer in the home counties

''The vehicle, which has been dubbed 'the most haunted caravan in Britain',

''has been associated with bizarre paranormal activity,

''and there have been reports of Mrs Bassett,

''described as a cross between Gillian Shepherd and the late Jimmy Clitheroe,

''floating through the air and into neighbours' houses through the keyhole''

I wouldn't take any of it seriously Load of tommy-rot by the sound of it

Oh, and talking of vehicles, are you still okay for tomorrow?

-Sorry? -Action for the Elderly

You very kindly volunteered your services to do a bit of driving for us

Ah, yes, that's

Only, there's an old lady we'd like you pick up from the airport

Now, she's not entirely with it, I'm afraid, so

That's her name and address and our set of keys to her flat

If you could just settle her back in and make sure she's nice and secure

-Yes, I'll try and deal with that -It'll be much appreciated

And for goodness' sake, don't start worrying about this

You can always join Ghostbusters HomeStart

-Well, bye-bye to you, Mr Meldrew -Goodbye

There's a kind of green slime now oozing out from under the wheel

That's where Mrs Aylesbury's cat was sick on the pavement

You see, that's exactly how these stories get started

People let their imaginations run away with them

I told you there was something fishy about that advert, but, no

Didn't you even suspect when the bloke delivered it?

Who's being paranoid now, Margaret?

It's a perfectly nice, ordinary caravan that we can take down the coast for a few days

Down to Dorset or somewhere

The only place I would take that now

is Beachy Head and push the bloody thing off

So you can put that away And can we get off the subject please?

It gives me the shivers

How can a caravan be haunted? It doesn't make any sense of any kind

I said, can we drop it?

Can't believe the size of him now, you know, next door

Since his mother died

Gets any fatter, they'll have to wheel him around in a dolly

Terrible how people let themselves go over something like that

Oh, God, not like this character

Oh, yes, let's make bereavement glamorous

She's supposed to be mourning her husband

Looks more like one of those bimbos on Page 3 with a bootlace between their buttocks

It's just a trademark, it's not meant to be taken literally

It's everything that's wrong with the values of today, Margaret

Like I said before, you just can't see it

For me? You drive me?

Yes, how do you do? I'm Victor Did you have a good flight?

(SPEAKING IN HINDI)

Exhausted, I suppose, aren't you? Never mind, you can have a nice nap on the way back

Do you want to come with me? Here, let me take that

We've got a lady here we think is diabetic

If we could organise an ambulance, please, to go to the hospital

Here we are, back safe and sound

Wakey-wakey

This is where we have to get out, I'm afraid Come on

Mind your step as you go

Right

(SPEAKING IN HINDI)

Right Now, I'm going to have to leave you to it now, I'm afraid, Mrs Akhani

Be getting back for my lunch You've got your own keys, haven't you?

These are the ones that we keep to pop in and make sure you're okay

Now make sure that that front door is properly locked, all right?

There's a lot of nasty people around

Whoever it was that kidnapped Mrs Khan only minutes after she arrived in the country,

they were obviously very sophisticated operators.

As yet, we've received no actual ransom note or demands from those responsible.

But, in view of the fact that her son is one of the wealthiest businessmen in Britain,

I would imagine they'll be looking for a six-figure sum.

(PHONE RINGING)

...and see what the weather has in store for us.

Good evening to you. Well, it's fairly clear across the south

or, at least, it will be for a while.

Some mist and fog have been lingering all day in the Vale of York.

4291

Jean, how are you?

No, no, no, just outside

Oh, you know, trying to bring a few wilting specimens back to life

Uh-huh

I think I still have the number for that somewhere Could you just bear with me?

Oh, my God!

Don't tell me I've reached that stage now

Please!

Oh, you're welcome Yes, good luck with it anyway Bye

What's the matter with you?

Well, I don't like to say

I think I may have wet

Oh, yes, I gave you a bit of a sprinkle I thought it might wake you up

Gave me a bit of a

You did Well

Well, thank you very much for that, Margaret

You know I've got four pairs of trousers in the dry cleaners' at the moment

(EXCLAIMING)

(MUMBLING)

Anyone in?

Oh, afternoon, Mr Meldrew And how are youtoday?

Hello Yes, fine And you?

Fine, yes Thank you

Betty, how's things? Oh, thanks ever so much for the other evening,

-we really enjoyed ourselves -Oh, you're more than welcome

I was wondering if I could leave our front door key while we're away

and the code for the alarm just in case of emergencies

Of course, no problem Come on through, I'll make a cup of tea

Oh, wouldn't say no

Looking forward to your break, I bet

That's something I've never done, rented a cottage, but always fancied the sound of

Well, listen, if you're interested, we got ours from this woman someone recommended us to

I know she's got plenty more in her books, I could give her a ring if you like,

-see what else is still available -Well, if it's no trouble

Or, I'll tell you what I have got is a letter in here somewhere,

with her address and phone number on Do you want to contact her yourself?

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Thank you very much

-Oh Did -Oh, what the hell is it now?

-Is it It's gone! -What's gone?

I thought it was much lighter in the front room

Ring the police Ring Interpol

You bloody thieving yobs!

What have you done with my caravan?

Oh

Fine, I see You didn't waste much time then

Doing what?

''Dear Mrs M, I understand you and your husband are looking for a holiday home to rent

''from the 1 6th to the 30th inclusive,

''and have great pleasure in offering you Number 5, Laurel Park,

''which is a delightful two-bedroom cottage near Cromer''

Doesn't that sound idyllic?

(PHONE RINGING)

4291

-Speaking Ah, Stan, how are you? -''Delightful two-bedroom cottage''

-She must've rung her up straight away -Oh, you're not serious!

Well, we have been promising ourselves something this year

And what with your big idea falling through

Yes, I will, Stan, thanks very much I'll buy you a drink for this Cheers

Can you believe that? Stan, down the road, he's found it

Our caravan!

Only in Archie's scrap yard, if you please

Popped in there first thing for a part for his car, there it was as large as life

Hadn't stole it after all, whoever it was, just dumped it down there for devilment

Dump them for devilment if I ever find them

Who can you think of who'd want to do a thing like that?

Hello, my name is Meldrew

I believe you've got a caravan of mine down there

that some bastard towed away from my house yesterday afternoon

Like it back? Of course I bloody well would!

Well, as soon as What?

Well, I'll be in all morning

Sorry?

Ah!

He wants to speak to you for some reason

Hello, Archie

Yes, that was a spot of luck, wasn't it?

What can I say, Mrs Meldrew? I followed your instructions to the letter

I got it down here, no problem If it wasn't for that nosy parker neighbour

Now it's all gone tits-up, I'm afraid

I mean, I've got no choice He wants it back I'm gonna have to bring it

Yes, well, tell her I'm glad she's feeling better

And give her my love

Bye, Archie!

Well, I think I'll start on that painting this morning, out the back

You are?

Well, you cocked up the previous arrangement, so I thought I'd have a go at it myself

Well, be careful climbing ladders

Archie's scrap yard indeed Doesn't do my colon any good at all, all this

(HAWAII FIVE-O THEME PLAYING)

(DOORBELL RINGING)

ARCHIE: Brought your caravan back, Mr Meldrew

Oh, just a sec, I'll get some shoes on

What in the name of bloody hell!

-Oh, for the love of Mike! -Well, it had already gone in, Mr Meldrew

You can't be serious

Well, you did say you'd like it back I wasn't wrong

Well, I mean in the name of all that's holy, are you telling me

this is what Stan saw when he said he'd found it down in your

I mean, for God's sake!

What would I want with a bloody

I don't believe

No, no, I'm right

Fine Right You can take it away now, then Thank you very much

-Sorry, Mr Meldrew? -This isn't my caravan

-Come again? -This isn't my caravan!

Mine was white with a yellow streak This has got blue in it

Heh So if you'll be so kind, I'm afraid all this has been a case of mistaken identity

You're winding me up This is yours It's got to be yours

Come on, what are you playing at?

And, if I'm not mistaken, here comes the proof!

Ruddy Smith brothers from Canal Side Estate

Might have known they'd be behind it Family of gangsters

Nick anything that moves

Nailed a bloke's ear to a railway sleeper the other week

I don't envy the coppers that had to go round there

Well, it doesn't alter the fact

that you're not getting me to go away in that chamber of horrors, this year or ever

Oh, mind yourself on that paint, I've only just finished the undercoat

Oh, I suppose it's to be the cottage, is it?

As usual I've got to knuckle down and do as you want to do

Would it be that much of an ordeal?

Well, do you want to ring that woman up and tell her yes?

I already have

Left a message saying we'd pick the keys up from the neighbour

And I'll put a cheque in the post for the deposit

You'll enjoy it once you're there

It'll help you to relax Get rid of some of that tummy tension

Well, I'm going to go and have a nice, long soak for an hour

And light my aromatherapy candles

I'll give you a shout when your tea's ready

Oh, my God!

Would you mind not putting white spirits down this toilet in future?

Sorry?

COMMENTATOR ON TV: The Undertaker ready for business,

right back up at King Kong Bundy

Bundy, with a series of forearm...

Look at that, I set it for Verdi's Requiem, it's recorded American wrestling

Did you hear someone scream just then next door?

No Why, what's up?

No

You know how these stories prey on your mind about naked men outside the window

It's just that

I heard on the grapevine he'd been hauled in by the police the other day for indecent exposure

Well, probably, someone got the wrong end of the stick, I know

Only when I was round there yesterday

Spit it out

Well, he appeared to be having sex with a radiator

Stop it

Listen, if you were Mrs Blithery's parents, three doors along

-you'd have something to worry about -How's that?

Well, apparently they'd just stopped off on their way back from holiday

to visit their daughter

Parked outside here, spanking new caravan, someone nicked it, ended up in the crusher

-What's the mentality of people these days? -You tell me

Bloody machines!

What on earth! Don't tell me

You went out and forgot your keys

Oh, dear

(SPEAKING IN HINDI)

Been through that before once myself, when someone fitted new locks

But you've got to be careful You could have split your head

Right, in you come There we are

(SPEAKING IN HINDI)

Right What's this?

Please, telephone You telephone my son, Chaudhary Khan

I will, of course The minute I get back

(VIDEO GAME NOISES)

(EXCLAIMING IRRITABLY)

Where have you been? I thought we were going to try and get away just after lunch

We've got plenty of time I just called in at the garage,

got them to check all the electrics over and get that dodgy handbrake sorted out

And then I called in again on that old dear to make sure she was all right

And just as well I did

Now, I've just got a very quick phone call to make

Well, you won't make it on that contraption

The bloody thing's just committed hari-kiri The whole line's gone completely dead now

You're joking

I know what I can do

Where are you going now?

(BURGLAR ALARM RINGING)

Hello, I'd like to speak to Chaudhary Khan

Oh, it is? Right

You don't know me I carried out a little job yesterday

Collecting your mother from the airport

She's perfectly safe and well at the moment but she was rather anxious that I give you a

I beg your pardon?

Will you indeed?

I don't have to listen to this

Yeah, I don't know what your problem is but another time, I won't bother

I'm sorry

It was the sound of his voice I just

It's okay I think we got a trace Yup, that's it, lads, we're in business

MARGARET: Ten to three in the morning!

How can we go knocking up that neighbour at this hour?

VICTOR: No, look, she's left it open for us Bless her

VICTOR: We're in

Oh, I'm dead on my feet

Three and a half hours

stuck on that bloody hard shoulder,

while people just slowed down to laugh at us

''Checked all the electrics over''

Why you go back to that fly-by-night garage,

when one of them had to look up carburettor in the dictionary?

Well, at least the handbrake didn't pack up on us this time It could've been much worse

Oh Can we leave everything now till morning?

I'm going up those stairs, if my legs will carry me and just collapse

(MARGARET SNORING)

Sorry, did I wake you? Suddenly thought I'd forgotten to lock the back door

It's so hot, I just had to smoosh my face Night-night

DEREK: (YAWNING) Night

(FLOORBOARD CREAKING)

(BETTY EXCLAIMING)

I'm too sticky Do you mind if I read for a bit?

(DOOR CLOSING)

(BETTY SCREAMING)

MARGARET: I'm really sorry, Betty Have a nice holiday Bye

VICTOR: Yeah, bye BETTY: Bye

Bye

Well, no real damage done, I suppose

You see things like that in your sleep,

you don't know any more, what's nightmare and what's reality

Are you okay?

-Yes, I'm fine Absolutely fine -You can see exactly how it happened

I left our letter there for them with her address and phone number at the top

He picked it up thinking she'd written to them

And Oh, well,

it's all sorted now anyway

We've got the whole two weeks ahead of us,

of peace and quiet, to relax away all our troubles

Yes, you're right Of course, you're right

That's it No tricks No clever moves No funny business

Derek John McVitie, you're under arrest for the kidnapping of Mrs Sandithi Khan

5:45

I'll tell you what we could do now, if we got our act together

No! Before you even say it

What was I going to say?

I know what you were gonna say, and the answer is no

Well, we're all geared up for it now The thing is just sitting out there

We could be down the coast in three hours

Have a nice time and gradually head west into Devon and Cornwall

For some bizarre reason,

I am not in the mood!

I wonder why

Now if you want to take your hook with your hell home on wheels, fine!

Off you go, and good luck!

You're not still on about this haunted caravan, are you?

-I wish I'd never told you now -Oh, yes?

Like the other things you haven't told me about!

What's that supposed to mean?

Margaret!

Just what the hell's that supposed to mean?

You have me believe

that these things all just happen because that's the way the world is, but I don't see it

Do they, Victor, just happen? Or do you make them happen?

Make them Oh, yes, that was just the ticket, all that this morning

I mean, there's nothing I like better

than sprawling about on a glass roof without any clothes on terrorising innocent housewives

What?

What?

You don't

This surely isn't about the other day

When I was at the police

You don't seriously think it could be me?

That pervert they're after in the cap and the raincoat

You don't actually think

I could go out and do something like that to women in the street

Well, you certainly don't do it to me

I'm going down to Dorset for a couple of weeks in the caravan

Will you come with me?

Right

I'll see you then, Margaret

(DOOR CLOSING)

It's no problem, Mr McVitie

I'm a relatively young man and I'll sit here as long as it takes,

till you tell me where it is you've hidden that young gentleman's mother

-Is it cold in here? -Mr McVitie

Look, I'd like to make two formal requests please,

for a phone call to my solicitor,

and a large tube of hydrocortisone skin cream

(OWL HOOTING)

(CLANGING)

Oh! Bloody machines!

(DIALLING TONE)

Oh, hello Yes, my name's Margaret Meldrew

I had an appointment for this morning,

which I had to cancel, although I could make it now

And I was just wondering if you could

Oh, no, no 9:30 would be fine

Er, yes Dr Clarke

Thanks very much Bye

Any other problems, apart from that?

No Just reading really And anything close up

Threading a needle or whatever

Getting old, I suppose Everything withering up

Oh, I wouldn't say that's the case at all, Mrs Meldrew

Now then, eyes wide open, if you will

And look to your left

And to your right

And up

And now look down

Oh, my God

Well, at least the police have got him now, I suppose that's something to be grateful for

How're you feeling, Mrs Meldrew?

You're still reeling from the shock of it all, I should think

Funny, I can see it now

Yeah, well, if you don't dwell on it then surely it'll fade with time

No, no, no No, I mean, I do see it, what Victor was always on about

Well, it's not a pretty sight

I wonder how he's getting on down there with his ghosts and spirits

What do you think, Mr Swainey, about it all?

Is this all there is?

Oh, I don't know

You'd love to believe, wouldn't you, that those you cared about are still there somewhere?

Keeping a benevolent eye on us But

I think the best thing for me now is to keep on the go

You don't have a decent sized ladder I could borrow at all?

There are still some bits of paintwork upstairs I haven't quite managed to get to

Oh, God, is that the time? I've got to go

Oh, not just yet, Margaret Margaret, don't go just

MAN: Don't try anything on your own, sir You'll capsize the bugger!

Over here, boys! We need some muscle! Let's go!

No worries, sir We'll have this safe for you in no time at all!

MAN: Heave!

MAN: Bit more, bit more Good!

Very good

There you go then, sir You're all set

Thank you very much indeed For everything and

Oh, you're a trooper, sir It's not necessary, but cheers

Margaret!

Are you in?

Mr Meldrew Oh, God

What's the matter? What's wrong?

We've had messages out for you on Radio 4 and all sorts

Mrs Meldrew, she'd just gone up a ladder, outside here, to do some painting

I said, did she want me to do it?

She said, if I could just stand and hold the bottom, she'd be fine

Well, she'd done the bathroom and she just got started on the bedroom, and

Oh, I don't know I mean, the first thing I knew, I somehow half caught her

(STAMMERING) Her foot slipped?

They're saying it was a heart attack

(HEART MONITOR BEEPING)

(HEART MONITOR FLAT-LINING)

# Well, the river runs deep And the water is cold as ice

# The river runs deep And the water is cold as ice

# I go down there every chance I get

# It's where my baby She met her death

#And the river runs deep And the water is cold as ice

#Ain't no woman gonna make a fool out of me

#Ain't no woman gonna make a fool out of me

# Running 'round, that's what they said

# She's at the bottom of the river dead

#And the river runs deep And the water is cold as ice

# No cheating woman gonna get a good man down

# No cheating woman gonna get a good man down

# Running 'round like a silly fool

# You're gonna end up at the bottom of the pool

#And the river runs deep And the water is cold as ice #

(DOOR OPENING)

Bloody machines!

We've only had them a week

and already they're prone to malfunctions of this kind

There's a circuitry problem somewhere We're going to have to send them back

Actually,

she's picking up rather well, Mr Meldrew

I'm not nearly as concerned as I was

after that very scary moment in your garden

I don't know if Sister told you,

for a couple of seconds, at 1 0:37 this morning, she was technically dead

You've got a couple of very skilled paramedics to thank she's still with us

Probably an idea to get some rest yourself now

We'll let you know as soon as there's any change

(HEART MONITOR BEEPING)

(SNORING)

-You all right, Mr Meldrew? -Yes, it's just

1 0:37

Sorry?

That's what it said on our clock in that caravan this morning

I'd just been dreaming that she was there

She said it was time for her to go,

and I said, ''No, don't go just yet''

Oh, God, that is spooky In the caravan?

Oh, hello Look who it is, Mr Meldrew

-Wonder what she's doing here I hope she's okay -Yes, right

Should I know her?

It's Mrs Akhani, the lady you picked up the other day from the airport

The lady I picked up from

I'm sorry, I've never seen that woman before in my life

Well, if that's not Who on earth did you

Mind your backs please! We've got a collapsed nervous hysteric coming through

Just try and relax, Mr McVitie, while we get you down

Everybody calm Don't let him out of your sight

If this is some ruse to try and slip the net, he's not getting away

I'll tell you that now

(DOOR CLOSING)

Unbelievable! People on the roads today!

Have you noticed that going round a roundabout now is like Russian roulette

People don't ever bother to stop any more,

they just shoot straight on as if they didn't have a minute to live!

What did the doctor say? Does he think you need counselling for your stress?

That was another thing That locum, the one I saw first,

remember, the one who looks like Pee Wee Herman?

Do you know what he'd actually put in my notes on that computer screen?

He'd only mistyped ''analyst?'' as ''anal cyst''!

Honest to God truth, a ''C'' had crept in there somewhere

There I am, lying there with everything down, thinking, ''This can't be right''

He was about to stick this ruddy great chrome instrument

I'm sorry

Well, anyway, he gave me some more diazepam in the end

Three a day, as required

-And how are you today? -Ah, yes, surprisingly well

I went next door and had coffee with Betty

Says he's getting on fine since all that other was sorted out

More or less back to normal Apart from waking up screaming in the middle of the night

Of course, his right hand is still basically a claw But they reckon that'll ease off with time

Says he can just about grip a pencil with the help of an elastic band

Oh, and I think we found a buyer for the caravan

Woman who claimed to be the reincarnation of Richard Stilgoe

He's not dead, is he?

She made a good offer

And you're going to be all right, aren't you?

When I thought, for those couple of seconds the other week when that

Of course I'm going to be all right

You don't think I'd leave you, do you, to fend for yourself?

You wouldn't last five minutes

Stop worrying You'll be the first to go I promise

Well, I just took

-What do you mean? -Sorry?

What do you mean I'll be the first to go?

Well, it's always the man, isn't it, pops his clogs before the woman

How many husbands around here do you know who've lost their wives?

It's always the other way around

I suppose

Now, what shall we have for tea?

I suppose you still can't face a sausage?

Not with the lights on

-It'll have to be fish fingers then -I'll light the grill

# They say I might as well face the truth

# That I am just too long in the tooth

# I've started to deteriorate

#And now I've passed my own sell-by date

# Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true

# I have to pop my teeth in to chew

#And my old knees have started to knock

# I've just got too many miles on the clock

# So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways

# It's true that my body has seen better days

# But give me half a chance and I can still misbehave

# One foot in the grave

# One foot in the grave

# One foot in the grave #