All language subtitles for My.Awkward.Sexual.Adventure.2012.1080p.BluRay.x264.AAC5.1-[YTS.MX]

Rach!

Rach...

Good morning!

Surprise!

Breakfast in bed.

Oh, how sweet... the mango
cut into little hearts!

Yup. And the moon apples and
the smiley face. Bacon smiley face.

I'm not coming to Niagara Falls.

Not funny cause... you know how
hard it was to get a jacuzzi room?

You know you have to
book that way in advance

and they don't give a
refund on the jacuzzi room.

Listen I'm... Jordan, I'm going
through something and...

I think that I need to...
that we need...

Okay, hold on.
Wait! Just wait.

No! Hey hey hey!
What are you doing?

Okay. This stuff is suppose to
happen till tomorrow night...

- So I'm jumping the gun here.
- No! Maybe no...

You... are the only girl that
I ever wanted to be with.

Rachel Stern, will you marry me?

I can't spend the rest of my life

having sex with just you.

We're breaking up!

Okay, okay. So, Rach ...

Okay love, I can get better!

What? I can! I can get better.

You just... you just tell me
what it is I'm doing wrong.

- I don't think that's a very good idea.
- I can take it okay! Come on.

Yeah?

All right.

- You have bad breath.
- Yeah, I can fix that.

You're sloppy kisser. You've no
idea what to do with my breasts.

Sometimes I think you're actually trying
to feed but you come way too fast.

- Your penis is just so ...
- Okay, I'm good, thanks.

- So you don't have to.
- ...to the side and then

you never go down on me.
You refer to sex as gentle time.

You are terrified of going
anywhere near my asshole.

- You won't consider a threesome.
- Why would I want to have a threesome!

Why, so I can disappoint
two people at the same time?

Well, it's a good point.

Okay, look, Rach. We can fix
this, right. We can fix this thing.

I can read a book.
No, I ... we can make some list.

We can fix this thing
together as a team.

Okay, but there are so much
that I haven't experienced.

And being with you this past year,
I just... I need to get out there.

We both do. We tried.
We really tried.

So I need to move on and...

- Hey I'm setting you free.
- But I don't want to be free.

- I wanna be with you.
- No, no! Just don't, don't.

No! No!
Take your week off.

Oh, go to Toronto, stay with
Dandak, have fun. Right?

When you get back, I'll move in
with my sister and we can...

Okay, woah. No!
Just hold on. Please.

Okay, alright. You made
your point, okay, I hear you.

- I'm a crappy lover, okay?
- Yup.

Alright, but look...
I checked this in.

I got you the window seat which
you love, okay. I'm in the aisle.

And you know, let's just go
and talk about it on vacation.

Gary's totally overworked.

And you better get to it chop, chop

since you're decking out early
for that lame-ass trip of yours.

- Yeah I know, Kelly, we...
- What you gonna cry?

- Need a tissue?
- No, I don't.

My God, you are crying.
You are actually...

- Hey Mom.
- Are you out of your mind?

- You waited years for her like a schmuck.
- What did she say to you? That's not...

You think she can do better?

You should be proposing to that
woman, not breaking up with her.

Woah. What...? No one's breaking
up with any one, Mom. Okay.

In fact, we're meeting at
the airport in like three hours

for a very special trip to a very...

I can't talk now.
I'm working out.

This is the final boarding
call for Flight 632 to Toronto.

All passengers must now get on board.

... paging Toronto
passenger Jordan Abrams.

Jordan Abrams,
please report to the gate.

I'm waiting for someone.

She's not coming.

- What is it, Jordan?
- Hey, are you through security yet?

- No, I'm not coming.
- Come on, you better hurry up honey.

- They're closing the gates here.
- No. I am not coming okay.

We need some space right now.

Okay, you know what?
I'm coming right home

and we'll just reschedule
the flight for tomorrow.

No, no, no! You're
not listening, Jordan.

I need this, I do.
I'll see you in a week.

You strike me as a kind of...
Hello!

You strike me as a kind of
guy people need a break from.

You're smothering her.

Get on the plane.

There he is.
Come here.

The next seven days
you observe my every move,

study my every gesture and
stay close to exactly as I say.

Watch, listen, be a sponge.

Life is a buffet, my friend. You
probably said that like a million times.

- I don't think so.
- Now, it's time for you
to eat off the buffet.

Now what's to consider if you agreed.
Shaved? I'm guessing not!

- That's alright, I have enough to...
- I'm sorry, man.

I have no intention of being
unfaithful to Rachel, okay.

Unfaithful?
She dumped you, dude.

Oh, that's very nice. That's
very compassionate and sensitive.

No, stop! That's not fair!

I've watched you pine for this
girl since you were 12 years old.

It took you 24 years to
convince her to give you a shot.

You took that shot. It didn't
work out. I'm sorry about that.

But it's time for you to move on.

And as your sexual mentor,
I need you to stay focused.

Excuse me. I'm sorry to bother you.
First of all, beautiful boots!

Can I ask you a question?
Is that alright?

My friend here, do we...?
Do you find him attractive?

Yeah, he's not bad, maybe a seven.

- 7 out of 20?
- No.

- Is that out of 10? Wow!
- Yeah, dude.

I was gonna say 5 or 6,
but you're in great shape.

- A 7 out of 10, for sure, right?
- 7.

- For sure?
- Yes!

Listen! We're throwing him a little
shindig tonight. He's new in town.

Why don't you, your beautiful boots,
some of your friends? Come on by.

Eightish, Apartment 4.
What do you say?

- Sure.
- Yes. Fantastic!

See, a little sexual
confidence goes a long way.

- It's not genetics. It's not tricks.
- Trust me on this man, okay.

I know Rachel better
than she knows herself.

By tonight she will have called me,

by tomorrow she'll be
on a plane here, alright.

There's still a chance, brother,

to take those shriveled little
raisins you call testicles

and put them back where they
belong inside your scrotum,

which, I reiterate
must be clearly shorten.

It's common courtesy.
Ladies expect it.

Oh, easy easy!

The less you struggle,
the less it will pinch.

Hey, wait wait wait!

No! No ...

No, no, no!

Oh God! Be gentle, please!

Thank you Renaldo.
Appreciate that. This is for you.

- Oh, for the love of God! Wait for me.
- Very well.

Squeeze!

- What the fuck you doing right here?
- I know, I know!

- Look look look look!
- I'm...

I know! I just have a question
first. I have a question.

What is the deal with half-naked
dude serving drinks?

Right right.
Yes, no...

He is here to make
sure that you get laid.

Yes, women are all wrapped up thinking
about some sexual nature and what not!

I don't understand how... why
don't they just have sex with him?

- He's very good looking.
- Herein lies the genius of my plans.

See, that gentleman enjoys the
company of other gay gentlemen.

Alright, so women
will have no choice but...

- Give me the phone, please.
- No, enough, enough! Listen. No.

Not until you talk
to one of these girls.

Alright, that's all I'm asking.
For me. Baby stuff, talk okay. Listen.

I know you're nervous,
but you're a solid 7.

- You're a solid 7.
- Alright, alright.

Well so... if you
could please direct me

to a lady with whom you're not
having of course, I will talk to her.

Rush up.
Not these two.

No, I've been inside that.

- There! Does bomb sex count?
- No, that's fine.

- Okay, then the brunette.
- Okay.

Just have bomb sex with the brunette.

- Hi! Hey.
- Hi.

Hi ...

- I'm Tanya.
- Tanya, Tanya...

- Jordan.
- Hello.

- Pleasure to meet you, Tanya.
- Hi.

So... what do you do?

- What do you do?
- Excuse me?

What you... How do you gig?
What is your gig?

I don't understand.

- Job. What do you do for work?
- Real Estate?

Oh yeah?
Real estate?

Homo... Home owner.
I am a home owner.

- Oh!
- It's cool, yeah. No, it's cool.

I mean it's...
You know it's cute... clute...

- Coo... coo coo...
- Are you okay?

I just... I really...
I miss my girlfriend a lot.

- Excuse me.
- Oh oh.

There, I talked, okay.
Made an ass of myself with it.

Hey dude. Where are you going?
What's with the costume?

Yeah, to ward off another one of
this strange marriage candidates.

Oh my God, your parents
are still setting you up.

Yes, very helpful in Hindu family GTA.

Sorry I got to step outside.
You are in charge whilst I'm gone.

Oh, I just need to grab my
phone of you for freedom.

You grab what now?

- Grab my phone.
- Is that what you want?

Let me check something here.
Let me see.

- As I suspected. Zero missed calls.
- Okay.

Why the hell would
she call you, dude?

Because ...

Because she is jealous.
No, no, because she is jealous.

Do you remember last year I
went to that convention in Calgary

and I posted that photo with that girl
with a red head and chain all around me,

and Rachel got like weird and jealous and
she called me like 15 times that night.

Do you remember that?
You remember that?

No, why the hell
would I remember that?

- God sake! Give me the phone.
- Well, take it!

- I'm trying...
- Why do I keep pointers. Exact same thing.

Hey, I don't think
this is a funny game!

- It's there. It's in the ceiling with God.
- It is?

That's funny!
You're very funny.

- Jordan.
- What?

Jordan, I think it's best
if we do not speak.

What? What honey, I can't hear you, man.
Dandak thrown this crazy party for me...

and it's hopping man, it's hopping.
And there's all these girls here...

Ah there's this one girl Tanya. She's
in real estate and she's all over my...

Hey Rach ... Is that a gentle time
playlist playing there. Are you...?

Are you with someone?

Look, I think we just wait
to talk until you get back.

- Okay?
- Great. Yeah, okay good.

Okay that's a good idea. Is there
somebody there in there with you?

You.. You're so bad.
Get down.

Hello?

Rach?

- Hello!
- Hi.

I was a bit weird before
and I'm sorry for that.

So now what?
You're cured?

Well, I'm feeling a lot
better than I was then.

So hoping we could maybe
start over you and I.

- Ah. Okay.
- Okay.

Thank you.
I'm Jordan. I'm an accountant.

- Tanya, real estate.
- Pleasure to meet you.

Tanya real estate.
Can I ask you a personal question?

Okay.

Could we take some
sexy photos together

so I can convince my
girlfriend to marry me?

Put your arm around me like this,
and I'm gonna take a photo.

Didi take quick photo!

"Beauty & the Beast"
GENTLEMEN'S CLUB

Excuse me!

Excuse me. Pardon me.
I'm sorry. I couldn't help...

These machines ...
the fees are astronomical.

I want chips.

Yeah, but they charge you a
fee here, a big one and then

your bank charges is like hidden double
fee and it's just like not reasonable.

Yeah, look man, when
a lady wants chips.

Here!

It's like a withdrawal
from the "Bank of Karma".

You keep it.

Oh no, seriously! Here you just
like pay it for or whatever.

Thanks.

Spike, I need the lock-cutters.

For fucks sake Julia, try
writing the combination down!

I did. I wrote it on a gum wrapper
and I put it in my purse.

But then I left that purse at home.

- Three drink minimum.
- Right. Yes.

- Don't give me the mean eye!
- Last time!

It'll never happen again.

See I think that's good one,
but I think we can do a better one.

Who's up?
Your turn, baby!

One. Here's one for you.
We'll do a double shall we?

Here we go. Here's your twenty.
One, two, three... Ahh!

You gonna eat that sandwich, Jules?

You guys still like to drink or what?

Oh wow, that is a very attractive one.
- Hey, handsome!

That's the chicken man. You got
extra. Extras, extras all around!

Would you like to do
one more with daddy?

You wanna dry hump?
I'm with...

I hate my job.

Oh please shut up.

I want my pants.

I want my pants...

Help...

Oh fuck you stupid "Karma Bank".

Do you know where your pants are?

- Is this your coat?
- Uh it's my coat...

Wait! wait.
No no. No!

- Where do you live?
- I miss my girlfriend.

God!

- I can't find a local address.
- No problem.

We can drive around, waste off from
gas, all night long, until he sobers up.

- No problem.
- What do you want me to do?

- I don't know, cigaretto.
- I'm not dragging him back out there.

- He's not mine.
- He's not mine.

Hey ... I'm gonna let
you sleep on the couch.

Oh God. But listen up.
I like to cook ...

So I have knives.
Sharp, dangerous knives.

And if you try
anything, I'll cut you.

- I will cut you in the face!
- You're a very good depressant. Thank you.

- Schooch!
- Alright, let's go.

New Balance $ 11,390.52

Hello.

Fuck.

You don't have to do that.

Sorry, I ...

Happen to know why I smell faintly
of urine or where my pants might be?

Great mystery!

I looked there ...

Here, you can keep 'em.

I should probably just clarify.

- I'm not real good with alcohol, I I...
- You don't say.

Thank you for taking me in.

That was very kind of you.
You didn't have to do that.

Ah, yeah, I did actually.

- Are you on vacation here or something?
- Yup, 10 days every year.

One of the many perks of being
an accountant at my firm.

- Would you care for some Biscardi?
- Oh, uh ...

Yeah, thank you.
My stomach is totally empty.

Wow. This is really...
Where did you get these?

I baked them, last night.

Here, you can have some for later.

- You made these?
- For the road.

Oh, no, no, no!
You don't want to get coffee on these.

You should really file these.
You should file all these.

I'm sorry, you probably don't want me
handling your private financial documents.

- Oh, I don't care.
- Really?

Because I couldn't help noticing, you
know when I was looking for my pants.

I took a quick peek and ...
Do you know how much trouble you're in?

This is what we would call in the
accounting world a "claustrofuck".

- Have you considered a line of credit?
- Right, ...

because banks love giving
money to strippers?

Oh, no! They won't care as long as you
have assets. Do you own anything of value?

Oh well! Like this condo.
It's my dad's inheritance.

Oh yeah! Any bank will
give you a line of credit, okay.

If you decide to pay off your debt.

Life is too short. I don't waste
time worrying about money.

- You're looking for... You have your coat?
- I was looking for my...

Thank you.

Oh, yeah!

Hey! Can I ask your professional
opinion about something?

Which of these women appears
to be the most attracted to me?

What are you trying to do exactly?

I proposed to my girlfriend
and... she dumped me.

So I thought I would make her jealous

by showing her how much fun
I was having in Toronto

and showing her that women find me
sexually attractive or something.

Oh my God.

- Okay, sit down.
- Thank you.

Don't have anyone to talk to. It has been
a very difficult time and I would like ...

Oh! What are you doing?

I'm going to give you a photo.

Gonna make your girlfriend so wet,
she's gonna get a yeast infection.

- Ahh.
- For the "Karma Bank".

Okay.

Make it... A little up more.

- Like this?
- Yeah.

- Okay, say "cheese".
- Cheese.

- I'm Julia, by the way.
- Oh hey, I'm Jordan.

Oh my God!

It's really good. Thank you.
Thank you for that.

And thank you for everything.
Really, my...

- Sure, no problem.
- Coffee, thank you for that

and thank you for this.
Really, really this is... wow!

Okay, I will go.

- Good luck!
- Bye. Thank you.

Okay, any... second now.

Kate you know ... hold on.
Sorry!

Here. You want to
just um... try this?

Thanks!

Oh, that's... Oh I'm sorry!
Wait. Hold on.

Got it right here.
Yup, that's me.

Fucking serious?

I need to call.

- Hey baby!
- Do you think that I'm an idiot? Huh?

Cause that girl's like super hot!

Oh great! So if I sent you a shot
of me having sex with an ugly girl

- then you would have bought that?
- Yeah, actually.

Is this your version
of leaving me alone?

Cause I don't get it.
What are you trying to proof?

No, I just wanted you to see how
much fun I'm having here in the big city

and the T dot O dot plan.

Did you actually hire a model
to try to make me jealous?

Oh my God, did you hire that girl in
Calgary dude? What's wrong with you?

I miss you and I
just want to start over.

This is so stupid. Let's just...

- I'll come back to Winnipeg. We'll go on a date.
- You want to come over... and then what huh?

Take me home, undress me
and put me to sleep?

No, thanks, I'm telling you.
Those days are over.

- Well, I can change, okay!
- Look, okay. Yeah. You want to change?

If you find some special potion that
magically makes you better in bed

then look me up
otherwise you know what?

Just leave me alone, okay?

Jesus! Yeah, you know what ...?

- Hey, buddy.
- So I met this stripper named Julia

and she took this like really sexy
photos of me. And I sent them to Rachel.

Rachel got really pissed off.
So, oh man you're right! You're right!

I need you to teach me
how to fuck real good! So...

Reshma, this is Jordan. He's obviously
got an unusual sense of humor, dude.

Nice to meet you, Jordan.

Listen. After several failed attempts
by my parents, they did it. They did it!

Rachel, she's never going to marry me.
She's not going to marry me.

She wants the most...
You teach me how to do sex stuff.

All the sex stuff. All of it.

What? How could I
ever help you with that?

What do you mean? How
could I ever help you with that?

- Duh! You said you'd be my sexual mentor.
- Spiritual... Spiritual mentor!

Not... not sexual.
Spiritual... You misheard.

- I need you to show me how to bang!
- I don't think so...

Excuse me, um...
I'm just going to freshen up.

- Okay.
- While you two talk.

Sure. Great!
Hey, listen to me.

- I'm gonna miss you.
- Not as much as I'll miss you.

Go.

- Why are you trying to ruin my life?
- What?

I'm sorry.
Not your fault, dude.

- I fell so hard last night. It's crazy.
- What? So hard. That's not possible.

You don't fall hard.
You're a man whore, man!

No, listen to me. I was... was a man
whore. This girl, I mean, we're like...

Sipped tea till like 3 in the morning. We
came back here, I bared my soul to her.

And then as the sun
came up, we made love.

You said you made love?

Yes, this morning we like lay
in each others arms, okay.

Follow me on this. My penis was not
inside her vagina. It was amazing.

- That's called "cudzealous"?
- Cuddling.

Right, wow man.
It was like...

you know, waking up from her long
nap, and eating crete scrambled eggs,

and being tucked in by your mom
and like peeing in the bath.

All at the same time and even better.
But here's what I want you to know.

Reshma is from a very, very,
very, very traditional family.

She can never know anything
about my dirty, weird, wild past.

You said you bared your soul to her.

Well, yes I did, except
for one tiny omission.

Technically thousands
of gigantic omissions...

No no no no no!
I need the old Dandak back, okay.

The old Dandak got to teach me his
tricks and go out and talk to girls for me

and have them sleep with
me so that I can get better ...

No, I have to
concentrate on this, okay.

You need to consider that
Dandak gone right now. Okay?

- No, I can do this by myself then.
- No you absolutely cannot...

do this by yourself, alright.
You need intensive training.

- You need like a Jedi master.
- Yes, yes, I need a Yoda!

Yes a Yoda.

Except more more *** things like, the
four quadrants of the clitoris or the ...

What's it for...? Quadrants?
What is that? What is that?

Okay listen to me. The human
female clitoris has four quadrants.

Fast forward okay. When one is stimulating
said clitoris manually or orally

one must focus one's attention
on the upper left quadrant.

- Say it back to me.
- The upper left quadrant.

How is that possible? The whole
thing is like microscopic to start with.

How do you then divide
into four then target...?

That's when you know.
You just know.

Oh! Hi.

Listen to me. You can never
go to the bathroom alone again.

I missed you way too much.

I won't.

There is a difference between
a stripper and a prostitute.

Okay, to be fair there's
a lot of girls in my work

who would have sex with you for
money, but it's just not my thing.

No no no no! Of course I
know you're not a prostitute.

Okay this morning when
I was here, I peeked in your ...

... your things.

Oh my God! You can't
even say "vibrator"!

Yes, I own a vibrator.

And I also have various lubricants.

I occasionally enjoy
watching some porn.

I mean, I don't know what
any of this has to do with...

Seriously.
This is exactly what I mean.

Look at you. You're just like
so comfortable with yourself.

And so confident you know. It's this
confidence that I... has eluded me.

I'm really sorry about your girlfriend
and your whole situation,

but the bottom-line is just that...
I don't need any help.

I... it's under control,
so... thanks anyways.

Julia, this is a "classic fuck".

They canceled my credit cards.

See?
See, this is what I'm saying.

Okay, we need to get this straight
now... before it gets even worse.

But it is not too late, because
I can help you right now, okay.

I can help you set up that line of
credit and consolidate your debts.

- Okay, okay fine. I'll be your sexiator.
- Really? You mean it?

Okay! This is great!
So I'm only here for five days.

Alright, I thought we could start maybe
with some pointers, right? Some tips.

- What are you doing?
- Taking out my ...

Oh, no. No that's not...

No you think that I'm ...
I didn't mean to imply ...

I was thinking it would be like
a class... like instructional right,

like teachers do and
mentor... it's like Yoda.

Yoda didn't fuck Luke Skywalker.

He rode around on his back and taught
him how to move things with his brain.

- So they kept their pants on, right?
- Yes, they kept their pants on.

Mm, let's figure out how to save my ass.
Tell me what the first step is.

Let's get that ball rolling and then
we can work on your problem.

Okay, first step. I'm meeting
with your bank manager.

I have a bank manager?

Yeah, I mean you have
a bank account, right?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, you have a bank manager.

Okay, if I can just like... I just
call him up and ask for a meeting?

Yeah, it's really easy. You just call the
number on the back of your card and...

- Really?
- Yes!

These are just a pair of labias.

Labi ... Labii ...

Labia. Big pink vibrator.

They gave me a meeting for tomorrow!

- Rub and tug!
- What?

That's a good idea!
Lesson 1. Let's go.

LESSON 1:
Rub and Tug.

- How I can I help you today?
- We today...

would like...

- A massage?
- Yes, a massage.

A sexual massage.

$ 40. Anything else is extra
and is discussed in the room.

Wait over there while
I take your boyfriend.

Okay, see you later.

Wait wait wait wait.
She's coming in with me.

Sorry, hon, more than 2 people
in the room, it's against the law.

That's against the law?

Well, I guess, this wasn't
meant to be. It's too bad.

Really?

Okay, whatever you say, boss. Let's
go back to my place and get to work.

Wait!

I don't understand how this is
supposed to make me better at sex?

Ok ok ok, I'm ready.

- Do not come.
- Excuse me?

These women, they are trained to make
you blow your wad as quickly as possible.

If you can hold your load with her,
you can hold your load with anyone.

Beware okay.
They will have tricks.

Powerful tricks.

Hey honey, I'm Sapphire.

That's not your real name. Alright.
You people don't use your real name.

I don't mean "you people".
I mean not a racist kind of way.

I'm Jordan... Kevin.
I'll be Kevin.

- Is this you first time, honey?
- No.

I had a hot stone massage
once in a resort hotel in Mexico.

And the hot stones were
very hot and burned my back.

You know what? I'm actually
feeling a bit nauseous.

Oh just relax, Kevin.
It's just gonna be great.

Yeah.

Is this table sanitary?

Yup, all of the soiled linen
are thrown right over there.

Okay.

Here we go.

- Oh, do you want to look at my tits?
- No, thanks, I'm good.

Okay... Oh she gonna climb.
Climb right out.

No.

No, no, no.

No! No, no, no.

Puke. Vomit.

Sick. Burnt victims.
People on fire.

Very bad skin. Faces are burned.

Their faces are very burned.

No ...

Alright baby, you got a real big
cock there. It's looking really good.

- Good job.
- Mom!

Come in my mouth, baby. Spray
your hot jizz all over my face.

No, no, no!

Need some help baby, you
want me to squeeze your balls?

No! Please no!

Oh my God, ouch!
My fucking eyes!

I'm sorry!

Violation in Room 3.

- That's your boyfriend.
- He's not my boyfriend.

- Are you okay?
- Oh my God. Break my nose!

- Oh my God, what are you doing?
- Nothing...

- Does it hurt?
- Ow!

Oh my God! You're
such a baby. You barely ...

Hey.

I'm afraid that we're not going
to be able to use the condo

as collateral on the line of credits.

- Why not?
- Our record show that in 2008,

Ms Bowe borrowed on her mortgage to make
a series of cash purchases that totaled

just over $ 70,000.

And you fail to mention this?
Why exactly?

You said, as long as I owned my condo,
that the bank would give me a loan.

Yes, but you left out a tiny detail
about borrowing against your...

I didn't even remember until just
now when this guy brought it up.

And... in fact what happened here was

that I called the number on the back of
my credit card to ask for more money

and there was a woman
on the phone who said:

Uh, you qualify for a
some mortgage thingy

- so I was like ok and signed some papers.
- You know what, no problem.

It's okay. Plan B.
Alright. No problem.

- We'd like to apply for a loan, please.
- Excellent. That is an excellent idea.

I like that. Let's...
We can do that!

I'll just get the paperwork
started here and...

Ms. Bowe can let me know who
she'd like to have as her co-signer...

About what now?

Well, seeing you have
tied up on your asset,

you need someone to co-sign for your loan
to assume equal liability as a guarantee

that the bank will get their money
back if you fail to make your payments.

- Standard.
- It can be anyone, really!

As long as they have
a good credit rating

and you've know them for
a minimum of five years.

Five.

Like, a parent is common.

Or sibling.

A friend, a friend will do.

They are strippers. So they have assets,
but not the kind you're talking about.

- I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!
- I knew this was a stupid idea.

- How much do you make in your job?
- I don't know.

- Last night I made...
- Oh my God!

- No, no, no. Ok, let's put it back in.
- Six hundred... ish.

- Six hundred dollars?
- It was a slow night.

We can get you straightened
out real quick, Julia.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I can take care of it.
I'll set you up on a budget.

I'll review your expense
or crunch the numbers.

We don't need a stupid bank, Julia.
Who needs... banks are for suckers, right?

You have to try this.

Come here. I got them from
the South Australian coast.

Oh no, I don't really like those!

- Have you ever tried oysters?
- No, I could just tell.

Come here.

- Oh my God.
- Okay, okay.

- What do I do, I just...
- That's... well done.

- Okay?
- Lemony.

- Oh come on.
- No, it's good!

- It's good.
- Right!

It's okay!

Sorry, I notice you don't seem to

subscribe to the whole
"clean as you cook" philosophy.

- It's not really priority for you.
- Uh mm.

Don't be afraid to get dirty.
Come here.

Oh, this is not bare
hands wash shrimp.

No, my... the Jewish people were not
technically allowed to handle shrimp

unless we're eating in
a Chinese restaurant.

- Okay, come on, get in there!
- I am orthodox.

- Get in there. Peel 'em off.
- Like this.

Okay now... try...
Can we have some dirty talk?

What?
I don't know if I can.

Come on, try.
One dirty word.

Moist?

- Are you serious?
- Yeah, like: Oh baby, I'm so moist.

- You're a guy, why are you moist?
- No, I'm not. Forget it. Fine. Hard?

- Used in a sentence.
- This is very hard for me.

Weak, try again.

- You making me so hard.
- I do?

No, no!
Not for real.

- Well, I'll be exactly as hard?
- My wiener. My dicky.

Try a "cock".
- My cock?

- What about your cock?
- My cock should be alright.

- What do you want to do with it?
- Mm, insert it...

- Tell me what you want to do with it?
- I want it near ...

Come on, tell me what you want
to do with your big hard cock?

Okay, I want to put my own cock...

Tell me what you want to
do with your big hard cock?

I'll slam it inside your pussy.

Yeah, that wasn't bad.
It's okay.

Delicious!
So good!

It's so good!
How do you do this?

I made sure the shrimps
are poached gently.

The curry has to be
spicy but not too spicy.

And the "Basmati".
That's the thing.

I have this guy who gets it shipped
in from the Himalayan foothills

which... that's the best 'Basmati' in the
world. So... that makes a difference.

Really?

This is literally the best cheesecake
I've ever tasted in my life.

I'm not kidding. I'm sorry I keep...
Everything you make is a...

Where did you train?
You must have trained.

Did you go to culinary school, or
you worked as a professional chef?

Well, you should. I mean have
you thought about that?

Have you considered
doing this as a career?

No.

- Oh my God! You have!
- I have this idea.

It's totally unrealistic,

but I came up with this
restaurant called the "Aphrodisiac".

Anise, dark chocolate,
with basil, honey, garlic.

Classic wine bar with essential twist.

- It's a great concept.
- Whatever! It's just an idea.

Hey. No!
It's really... It's a great concept.

I've looked around, ok. I've seen your
condo, seen all the stuff you collected.

You may say that your idea is unrealistic,

but I don't know,
it looks pretty realistic to me.

Whatever. As you can see
I'm not good with money

so, it's kind of a prerequisite
starting a restaurant won't you say?

You know, well, you know,
maybe it's a vicious circle.

Maybe you spend all this money on all
that stuff because you're unhappy

in your career and you're
trying like fill the hole in your life.

And you say you're bad with money,
because that gives you an out, you know,

from taking a risk and trying something
that will make you really happy.

Blah, blah, blah.
What do I...? Why am I even...?

Psycho babble, I don't
know what I'm talking about.

This is why I don't... drink.

I start...

I should probably get to work.
I got a lot of work to get through, okay.

- Yeah, I got to get ready for work.
- Okay.

- You're done with it.
- No, I'm going to hold on to this.

- Good night.
- Thank you for dinner.

Seriously.
Amazing dinner!

Oh my God!

Have you managed
to unfuck my "cluster"?

I'm working on it, it's not
going to be easy though.

With all your bills and your
credit card debts and your

unopened notices from "Skeets Rental".
What is that?

Oh I was told that if I rent my
furniture, I could write it off.

- Well, did you do it?
- Well, would have if they pay my taxes.

- Should I be worried?
- No, I'm going to handle all that.

You just need to worry about following
this... budget cause I made it for you

okay and making all
these quotas that work.

And for God's sake, woman,
stop spending so much money!

Okay, you can't spend $ 1,000
on white truffles from Tasmania.

That's not... No no more.
Okay you gotta save your money.

- Alright? Alright?
- Okay!

Look!

My money.

- Saved!
- Good! Okay.

So, we're gonna start with groceries.

Okay, no more fancy smanzy
organic foods for you.

Tomorrow morning you're going to
meet me at 10 am at "Extra Foods".

"Extra Foods"!

- You're serious.
- Yes

- Hey, Jules!
- Hey.

That's my neighbor - Naked Tom.

Yeah, I'm making scrambled
eggs, but I'm out of eggs.

A splash of cream.
Add just a splash.

Ah, Jordan - Tom.
Tom - Jordan.

- What's up Jordan?
- Hey, how is it going?
- Good.

- Is there something wrong?
- No.

You got a problem with
the naked male form?

No, I'm not. I don't... No.

Because you're avoiding direct
eye contact with my penis.

Oh no! I was just giving
you privacy, that's all.

I mean... It has been cool.
It get pretty cool.

Jordan, I don't mind you looking.
Go ahead.

- Tom's got a beautiful penis.
- Ummph?

Wow, it's a beautiful penis.

Take a good long look.

Superb.

Sexual insecurity is so unattractive.

What? I just saw your another one of
your penis for an hour. What's that?

A splash of cream, thanks.
Got it.

- He's got issues, Jules.
- How's that? I do not think I ...

Do I have issues?

Lesson 3:
Confronting Issues

It looks good.

Wow, this is crazy!

Hey, let's go out!

- You're in a dress.
- I know. But I'm thinking...

I don't know. If we're going
to do this. Let's do it right.

Let's experience it. Let's take
it outside like in the world.

And I'm only gonna do this once,
so why not go for it, right?

- Quick, before I loose my nerve.
- I'll get your purse.

I'm not even embarrassed!
Hi! I'm wearing panties.

I can't believe how good I feel. And I
really feel kind of neutral, you know?

Yeah. I mean it's like I'm
totally anonymous, you know?

Did you hear that? I think I just...
I think I just got objectified.

- And you loved it!
- I did love it! I loved it.

Hey, gorgeous!

Oh, she just touched my package!

- Say "horny"!
- Horny! What is that?

Oh, no no no! Excuse me,
I'm gonna need those photos.

Oh, you can download it off my Blog.

"Cock" slash @ blogspot,
double backslash dot CA.

- I'm uploading them right now.
- No, wait wait wait wait!

I'm not... I have
a girlfriend and she's...

I'm really sure that your girlfriend
doesn't read cock slash.

And besides you're anonymous.

- You're completely unrecognizable.
- I am ain't I?

Jordan?
Jordan Abrams.

Rabbi Finkelstein?
Wow. What are you ...?

Oh, Esther and I are in town
for the week, visiting Osley.

Yeah!

No! No!
I'm sorry!

I'm sorry.

Scrotum just slap on...
Slap!

...Married, had two boys and a little girl.
- Oh, how sweet.

This is Julia, she's my client.
I'm here on business.

- Right, right. Your accounting.
- Yeah, this is Rabbi Finkelstein.

He was my Hebrew teacher and
he officiated at my "Bar Mitzvah".

Right! Jordan sang so beautifully.

His voice had to change as he
was able to hit all those high notes.

Well, it's been really great seeing you
Rabbi, but we gotta get going so...

Shalom!

You're live on "CKND"
national television.

It is a brisk autumn night
here in the provincial capital

hundreds of men and women,

boys and girls of all ages from
enjoying a big night of debauchery...

Esther!
Look who it is!

Jordan.
Jordan Abrams!

Do you remember?
The accountant from Winnipeg.

Here on legendary Church Street
in downtown Toronto,

the gay, lesbians and
transgender community,

led by one of bank
accountant Jordan Abrams,

celebrates in grandeur style.
I'm currently standing...

- Hello?
- Yeah! It is you!

- What? Whatever do you mean?
- Are you wearing a dress?

No, I'm not.
I don't think so.

You're on live television and...

- What are you doing?
- Look, I can explain, okay.

No, Rachel I'm confronting
my sexual insecurities and I'm...

- Embracing your feminine quality.
- Embracing my feminine qualities.

Who's that girl?

What girl? There's
no girl. I don't know...

No, wait. Rachel!
Rachel!

Well, good night. Hope to see
you in... over the high holidays.

Don't worry, Jordan.
Your little secret's safe with me.

Thanks.

- He says you don't worry...
- Right.

Well, I gotta go home and kill
myself now. So, good night.

We're still on for tomorrow
morning, right? "Extra Foods"!

- Hi, Mom.
- Hello, sweetheart.

- How are you doing? Are you good?
- I am just fine.

Aside the fact that
my son is a fagalot!

Hey!

I thought you weren't coming.
I got the shitty cheese!

I'm going home to beg Rachel to
take me back before it's too late.

- What about your side of the deal?
- You know your budget, you gonna do great.

- Okay. Good luck!
- No no, I need you now! Just...

I called the agent this morning.
It is totally reasonable.

It's the perfect location,
it's move in ready.

- I can guess you'd take it, right?
- Yeah, I don't know.

If I were your accountant, I'd advise you
against it, till you pay off your debts.

You know, but I have
most of the furnishings

and most of the
equipment in my condo, right?

So, all I need is just like a crash
course, on just the basics,

because I have
to act fast for this...

No, I have a plane
I have to catch. Sorry.

So Rachel yells at you and you
scurry back on your hands and knees?

You're going home a bigger
pussy than when you left.

Oh, that's really nice.

What's gonna happen
when you have sex?

She's gonna be like fast asleep
before your ass hits the sheets.

Did Luke Skywalker
bail halfway through?

No, right. He went back to that swamp
place and he finished his training.

And what happened
to Luke Skywalker?

I don't know. Cried a lot,
he got his hand cut off...

He became next Jedi master, right?
Because he saw it through.

Shut up, Jordan! Just stop
frushing me and do what I say!

Ok, I'm sorry.

Seriously?
That was way too easy.

Hey ...

Oh my God, I know what you need.

- My place, tonight 8.
- I can't come.

- Be there!
- Okay.

Suck in your ...

There.

Yeah, it's difficult to
imagine this ending well.

Okay.

You need to stop letting
people walk all over you.

Tonight, you are the aggressor, okay?

Do you trust me?

Yeah.

This is why I want to die.

I wanna have our babies
right here on this couch.

Don't want our babies
to die on this couch.

I want this couch covered
with our then babies.

- Who is this?
- Doesn't he have a key?

- Yeah, I didn't give him the key.
- Why not?

Wait right here.

- What about Mr Dirty Santoz, huh?
- What are you doing here, Rach?

- Okay, where is he?
- I don't know.

- Maybe he's with that stripper!
- The girl from the photo she's a stripper?

Ah yes, she's a stripper but it
sounds we think she's Yoda.

Is Yoda?
What the fuck are you talking about?

Okay.
Where is the strip club?

- I don't know.
- Where is the strip club?

Tighten.
Do it bitch!

Okay now. Pretend I'm your boss. This is
your chance to finally get back at him.

Dear Kelly, I'd really appreciate it,

if you were nicer to me at work!
Thank you very much.

Screw you, Abrams! Okay.
You're an moron!

- Don't you want to whip me now?
- Ah, right.

Yeah, it's just that's not...
that's not really how she talks.

Actually she... she usually like...

usually she pretends likes I'm having
an emotional breakdown, you know...

What's the matter?

Well, are you leaking from your eyes
just a little baby going to cry?

Yeah, yes, sort of like that,
but she taunts me, okay.

She taunts me with like
feminine hygiene products.

Do you need a maxi pad?
Do you need a sanitary napkin?

Yeah, but that's not the term she uses.
- You need a fresh tampon for you...

Three whiskey sours.

- Excuse me. Sorry Julia around?
- Why? You want to lap dance?

- No, uh...
- Five bucks for breast massage.

Ten for fingers banging
and fifteen for clit play.

Clit. No! Would you mind if
I had Julia's address, please?

Gary is clearly making
personal calls on company time.

You're mean Kelly! Kelly, you're
a mean bully and I don't like you.

Okay, now.
Pretend I'm Rachel.

Rach, it's not fair that I'm not allowed
to have dairy products in the home

just because you are lactose intolerance.
How is that fair? I like yogurt!

Do you think you could maybe dig a
little deeper? Didn't this all hurt you?

Yeah, she hurt me
but it wasn't her fault.

Don't tell me, tell Rachel.

Rach's, it's not your fault that

you didn't develop romantic feelings
for me all those years.

Now I knew you cared about me.

Just not the way that I cared about you.
It's not your fault.

I chose to stay in your life,
you know, and be with you ...

Everyone I ever slept with, cut me loose.
Never talked to me again.

After a while, you...

start to think that maybe
you're... unlovable, I guess.

But you never bailed. Rach, you
never bailed in all those years.

That's gotta mean something, right?
I mean, that's gotta...

And so naturally, I figured,
you must be the one.

Until sex entered the picture.

- You're just like all the other girls...
- Well, I guess you're wrong about me.

Cause I'm not the one.

Shouldn't stop me from stringing
you along all these years, right?

No, no no. Don't say
that. That's not true.

Didn't I know that you're actually
in love with me that whole time?

Yeah, you knew but
what we suppose to do?

And it must have known that it was
hard for you and that it's painful.

And I suppose you didn't
have to share every detail

about every one of your boyfriends
with me all those years.

- I guess that wasn't necessary.
- I did, didn't I?

And even though I knew it
was really torturous for you.

You mean, like in 11th grade,
we're on a camping trip.

You know when there're
almost raccoons everywhere

and we were sharing
a tent together and...

you met that guy with the goatee who
was playing guitar on the next campsite.

You didn't have sex with the guy

when I was lying right there
sleeping next to you in the tent.

Especially considering you knew
that I was scared of raccoons

and that I can't sleep
when I'm anxious!

Thanks.

And then Trevor dumps you.
Trevor dumps you last year, right?

And you're feeling all like, bad about
yourself, and all heartbroken.

So, where did you go?

Good old Jordan. Good old Jordan.
He'll always be there. You know.

To use and take advantage of...

No matter how many
times you break his heart!

You selfish bitch!

You never listen to me!

You'll listen now!
Listen!

Are you ready to listen to this?
Listen to this!

I can't believe that I convinced
myself that you actually love me.

You are incapable of love, Rachel!

And when you are old, and alone
and fat and surrounded by cats

you're gonna realize
what a mistake you've made

what a massive mistake you've
made pushing me out of your life.

Just because you didn't
like the way that I did it.

Because no other guys are going to
put up with your crazy selfish bullshit,

you insensitive cunt!

Hey, Rach.

Rachel!

Rach!

Wait!
Where are you going?

This is the most romantic
thing you've ever done!

How could you? Do you really
think those things about me?

- You called me a cunt!
- No, I've been working on my dirty talk!

I asked you a question.
Is that how you really feel?

I need to know the truth right now.

No! No!
It was just an exercise!

Oh it's an exercise.
Yeah! An exercise in what?

I'm doing this all
for you, Rachel. For us.

- Dressing up like a woman!
- Shut up!

So you didn't mean it?

Selfish bitch thing.
Insensitive ...

- Cunt, the part of me being fat!
- God, no! No!

I didn't mean any of that.
All I ever wanted is you, Rach.

I need you.
Without you I am lost.

- You are? Do you mean it?
- Yeah.

Can we just go?

Yes, let's just go!
Let's get out of here!

Come on! Wait! I just gonna
run upstairs and untie Julia, ok.

Wait! No!
Forget about her. Let's go!

Yeah! She's bound and gagged, right.
So I'm just gonna run about 30 seconds.

No, wait!
I'm serious!

It's her or me.

Are you saying that if I go upstairs
to untie my friend for like 30 seconds

that you're going like
break up with me forever?

Yeah.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
You're right. Yeah.

Yeah, you have to choose.

Come on!
This week has been awful.

You're my best friend.
You are my anchor.

Fine, you're right, okay.
I made a mistake.

So ... come on!

Let's go home!

I can't do that. I'm not going to
leave her up there. So... I won't.

I hope that you'll be here in
30 seconds when I get back.

You little fucker.

You did mean those things.
I know, my God! I knew you did.

- Fuck you! Fuck you!
- Fine! So fuck you!

Oh! Fuck you harder.
You even know... fuck you!

You fucking motherfucker.
I'll fucking fuck you!

You are fucking fuck!
...Fuck you?

Hey! You know what? Fuck you
you foxtress. You fucking foxtress!

Go fuck yourself! You don't know how to
fuck anything, you fucking fuck fucker!

- You fuck so bad!
- Fuck yourself, you fuck!

- Fuck you!
- Fuck... you!

Wait! Wait! I didn't mean it.
Wait! I didn't mean it. Wait...

You're a fucking bitch!

Hey, what's happening?

Where were you?

They came and they took everything.
How can they do that?

- They took it all!
- They got a writ of seizure, okay.

It should have taken them months.
I don't know how they got it so quickly.

But they got one.
They got one.

So that means they can just...
Wait! Where are you going?

- I'm going after Rachel!
- You said you'll take care this.

Did you even read all their mail?

That's not fair. You can't
blame this on me, okay.

It's not my fault that you rented
everything from some guy named Skeet

and then you stopped paying them.

But I asked you.
You told me not to worry!

You told me from now everything,
except for my restaurant...

I can get this of...
How can I else go on?

I just told Rachel...
I said fuck you and sent her away...

If I don't go after her, I'm gonna lose
her, ok. I'm gonna lose her forever.

So I'm sorry, if I can't help you
anymore with your little restaurant.

I got to go.
Fuck!

I checked this morning and
they said there was a delay.

I just checked now and
they said it was on time.

So what is it?
Well, is it delayed or is it on time?

Please, I'm trying to get
on a flight since last night.

I'm on my way to
the airport right now.

Hold on a second. Hey, can
you pull over right here, please!

Hey just a...
Please wait here for 1 minute, please.

Yeah man, no problem.
I live to serve you.

Hey, are you still there?
Yeah, sorry about that.

I... on second thought I would like
to get on that 3.30 flight instead.

Thank you.

Here. Do me a favour.

Would you please make sure that
she gets this when she comes in.

Thank you very much.

- You gonna be okay, Jules.
- Yeah.

- How do you know?
- I've seen you dance.

You're an amazing dancer.

- Best stripper I've ever seen!
- Yeah.

Hey, I got but one bag...

I thought my co-signer had to
know me a minimum of 5 years.

- Yeah, I lied.
- An accountant lying to the bank?

Yeah, that's currently what we do.

But you were right about Skeet, ok.
I didn't open all those notices.

If I had, I could have, you know,
appealed them. So I co-signed your loan.

And you're good to go, right.

Oh! Don't worry, okay,
because legally Skeet

he only have the right to take back his
furniture, not all your restaurant stuff.

So, you know, you can just use
the rest of the loan money

to get yourself a lawyer
and get all that back.

Okay.
Thanks.

Wait wait wait.
Wait, I...

I know that I owe you a...

Last night, I was a classic dick!
Okay, I was a dick!

I know that. I knew it then too.
I almost came back inside. It's just...

I couldn't because I... was embarrassed.
I could not look you in the eye.

I don't deserve a friend like
you, Julia. I really don't.

I failed you. Old wise
green pointy haired one.

- So you going after her, huh?
- Yup.

- Can't learn it from a book, dumb-ass.
- What?

Yeah, well, I couldn't
exactly have her

falling asleep during
make-up sex now, could I?

Do you have any fruit?

Here rule number 1.
Don't worry about your hair.

- Okay, let's see what you got.
- Okay.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down.
No. Don't just pounce.

Introduce yourself. Slowly.
Just with you breath at first.

And then, very gently ...
No, not a blow. Lick more of her.

Like when you steam up
a window, you know, and then...

Yeah, and then very
gently with your tongue ...

No! Gently.
Almost imperceptibly. Yeah.

Okay, yeah, that's right.

Yeah...

- Is that good? Am I doing that right?
- Rule number 2: No talking.

Okay.

Okay, whatever you just did right
there, don't ever do that again.

Now...

try long strokes, bottom to top.

Consistent pressure.

Okay, and when you sense
that the cantaloupe is ready,

that means it's clitoris time.

- You do know what that is, right?
- Mm hm.

Up, up. Yeah, okay.

That actually looks pretty good.

Okay, work the sides.
The sides.

Hold off on direct contact.
Just flirt, tease.

Whoa whoa, no no no! No sucking!
It's not a Jolly Rancher.

Go back to what you were
doing before! Gentle pressure.

Yeah.

Okay.
Yeah, that's...

Yeah, you got it.

You know, if you wanted to
I suppose you could...

Really?
You'll be cool with that?

- I mean because I think that might really...
- Help with the lesson? Yeah! Me too.

- Okay?
- Okay, yeah.

- I really appreciate this. You know I...
- Instructional. Yeah, of course!

Oh, yes!

Yes, that's very good.

Okay now, increase the pressure.

Yeah! Okay don't stop doing that!

- Keep doing!
- Should I just flip my tongue...?

Rule number two!
Jesus! Oh!

Okay, yeah, you're a natural.

Yup.

Yeah! Oh fuck!

- Did you come?
- Oh! I burn!

- What did I do? What did I do?
- Are you chewing gum?

What? No! I.. I.. Yes!
I wanted to have fresh breath.

On my vagina?

Sorry! I was nervous!
What's going on?

Don't you know
I'm allergic to mint?

Allergic to mint? Sorry!
Here.. here some water.

- Shower! Shower!
- That way! That way!

- Are you all right? Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm okay.

You feel better?

I think you can kiss me.

Excuse me.

- Hey! ...?
- Sorry!

Come here!

What the hell are you doing up here?
Reshma wants to call the police!

Sorry something just happened
in the bathroom, with Julia.

Julia? I thought Rachel
who came back for you.

I thought you and she
were getting back together.

No no, she's gone.
She left.

Oh, for fuck sake.
How did you fuck that up?

It's a long story, okay.

Julia thought it was a good
idea if I tied her up and...

You know what? It doesn't look...
Why does it even matter?

You don't even want me to be
with Rachel in the first place.

Yes, I know, I know.
I said that. I just...

You know, I'm realizing
something here.

You and Rachel have weathered storms
together. That's really important.

This shit is just one more storm. Granted,
honestly, it seems like a giant hurricane.

But, I was in New Orleans in
February and it looks fine to me.

It sounds very insensitive.
When people of Louisiana wants to ...

Wait! I've gone through a lot.
Just stop for a second!

- Julia and I just had this moment...
- No, stop saying Julia! Stop saying Julia.

Julia is field cricket.
She's not for you

You have got to go
and get Rachel back.

You can't come in.

There is clearly
something going on in here.

And it's something that I never ...

You just have to tell me that you
feel it too and then I will let you in.

No, we need to pee.

- Sorry.
- No, it's alright.

- Julia.
- Yeah, Dandak.

Rach.

I'm sorry, Rach.
Sorry.

Too late.
Go away!

I really want to make things right.

I would like to ...

I love you, Rachel.

Those things you said, you were so mean.
That you don't love me.

You never loved me!

That's the receipt in the first time
we ever went for coffee together.

January 5, 1989.

You had the peppermint cocoa.
I had a herbal tea.

"Dear Jordan, you make me smile.

Thank you for being my friend.

You slipped that in my side textbook,
the day after your parents got divorced.

Remember?

And you laughed.

You remember in third year
you borrowed my dorm room

so you could have sex with with
that jockey guy in the army shirt?

Why did you keep that?

You woke up the next
morning and he was gone.

You cried in my arms for two days
straight. Just crying in my arms.

That's totally fucked up.

Just weird, sad, pathetic, it's twisted.

It's creepy.
That's really really creepy.

And it's sweet.

- While they were gone, I had sex.
- Yeah, I kind of figured. That's ok.

With so many people.

Are you ready?

- Back in bed, lover-boy!
- Goodness!

- Oh wow, thank you!
- You're welcome.

- Have a raspberry.
- I will.

Hang on a second here.

Where did you find it?
When? How this is ...

Yes! Yes!
Let's get married!

The engagement party is tonight.
I've been on the phone all morning

and almost everyone's confirmed.

- I love you!
- Oh my God.

- I love you!
- I love you!

- And I want more ...
- Okay!

- Ok, that's good.
- I'm gonna go up.

No, that's good! That's good!
Yeah, that's good.

All these years slipping birth
control pills into you coffee,

circulating memos about your
gender reassignment surgery

I had no idea it was
actually true, Jordana.

See what I did there?
Feminize your name by adding an "A".

Look. I don't care if you're gay,
bisexual or tritestical, whatever.

You still get the same work load.

Now that you see me as a woman,

you're actually more attracted
to me than you were before this.

That must be so confusing for you.

I'm not attracted to you.

The ring is beautiful!

How is anyone expected to eat
a piece of cheesecake this size.

It's way too big.
Get me your supervisor.

- Mom. Mom!
- Hurry. Quicker!

Can you keep fussing with that?
Don't make me resort to the safety pins.

- You remember the safety pins?
- I remember it!

Oh, no! Did you eat something like kiwi?
Okay, good. Stop, stop. Calm down!

Alright, this is your little speech.
You'll do fine.

Just say lovely things about me.
Right?

Listen up, folks!
It's speech time.

Everybody knows me as impulsive, fly by
the sea to my parents kind of gal. Right?

But marrying this guy is hardly
impulsive. It's just plain smart.

Ladies and gentlemen, family and
friends. Friedrich Nietzsche said:

"The best friend is likely
to acquire the best wife

because a good marriage is
based on a talent for friendship."

Rachel and I are have been friends,
best friends since we were 12. So...

I think Nietzsche must have
married his best friend.

Two. I also believed he got
syphilis and he went crazy.

I'm just choking! It's choking!
I'm choking. I'm choking!

Hello, I know you all saw
me on the national news.

I was wearing pink thong and being
sexually assaulted by a tranny blogger.

So, so weird that we're
not talking about it, right?

He's just dehydrated. Low blood
sugar. Could we get some nuts!

No, Mom! It's not time now.
It's honesty time now. Okay.

Here it is. So Rachel doesn't really
want to marry me. She never did.

She's confused because
yesterday I did this thing

to the upper left quadrant of her
clitoris, which sounds she had an orgasm.

She actually hasn't have
one, it's been like a year.

There hasn't been any of that since
she falls asleep every time we have sex.

Yeah, I know that sounds like crazy,
but I thought she had a bit of narcolepsy.

Let me explain, okay.

Rachel came to get me in Toronto and
I always thought that was really romantic,

but then I'm kind of realizing
that actually she wasn't...

she was feeling lonely and sort of
sad and insecure, and I get that.

I mean she gets like that
sometimes and we talked.

We talked that out.
I've always been there for her.

But the problem is, is that,

this isn't where you want
to start from for a marriage

and I know that she
doesn't really want to.

Rachel, I'm really sorry.
So, in conclusion ...

I'm out of here.
Thank you. Good night.

Ahh it's so wild.
How funny a book club.

Tell your grandparents
I can't wait to meet them.

Goodbye.

- Excuse me, excuse me.
- Dude. Well, you're back?

- Yeah, I just drop off my stuff here.
- Wait! What the hell?

- I thought you were getting married?
- Yeah, but... changed plans.

- And so where are you going right now?
- I'm going to the Strip Club.

- You want to come?
- No, no I can't do that.

- Please, come with me!
- No I can't do that. I can't be that guy.

I can't go to places like that.
I can't go to a places with like...

dancers and music like that and
a shot of vodka to ... your soul.

- Can't be that guy?
- Fuck! So stupid...

- Give me another second.
- Yeah, I just...

Could you just give me 5 seconds, please?
Just want to ask you something.

- Is that cool?
- Yeah, of course, yeah.

You're in like... in a
relationship, right,

and with somebody that you really wanna
be in that relationship with, right?

And you want to give yourself
over to it... like completely, right?

So... like how do you do that?

How do you do that and
not like lose part of himself?

- That's stupid?
- You are seriously cute.

This is the sweetest thing... No!
Honestly that's the sweetest thing.

Just shut up and go!

Wait, I'll tell you the
answer to that question okay!

What?

The Strip Club is like calling

- out to you tonight.
- No, I'm not going to go.

"Dandak, Dandak
come to the Strip Club"

- You're an ass. You're an ass to me.
- Let it come!

- You're an ass. So it's coming.
- Leave it come!

It's coming! It's coming! You're such an
asshole! You know what? I wanna go change.

Yeah! Thank you, I could really use your
help. Thank you. It's gonna be good.

Julia!

You don't have to work here
anymore. You got your loan now.

I like working here and
I rejected your stupid loan.

What? Why? Wait! Can you
hold on? I came back for you.

Hey!

- What happened to your book club?
- What?

What are you doing here?
What happened to your book club?

Can I talk to you?

I'm sorry okay. I'm sorry
that I left you in the shower!

I just... I got terrified
and so I bailed.

Fellow, you need to leave now,
because our little arrangement is over.

Hey, just wait a second!
Please.

- Guys don't touch, punk! Douche-bag.
- No, no no!

Hoy already threw him out once, Spike.
I don't know how he got in again.

- Don't do this
- Get rid of him.

I don't want to see
this douche-bag ever again.

Why am I a douche-bag
Why is everyone calling...? Ahh..

Julia!

I enjoy promiscuity sex.

Reshma, I'm...
I'm a slut.

I've done things that are like
illegal probably in most countries.

I'm a dirty, dirty, dirty boy...

Hey, it's only noon!
You got your coat already?

I hope you got some guys on me.

- No, I'm gonna eat breakfast in bed.
- Aren't you going to the buffet?

It's Ham Tuesdays.
It's fucking sweet!

APHRODISIAC

Technically the grand opening
is still a couple of weeks away

but I couldn't wait
anymore for you to see.

You stole my idea?

You said you won't
gonna do anymore of this.

- So, finders keepers, right?
- And my stuff. You stole my stuff?

No no, Skeet stole your
stuff, okay. I stole it back.

It's your stuff. You can do
whatever you want with it.

You know, I think it looks
pretty great in here.

So, how have you been?

I've been great.
And better than ever.

I miss you.
I miss you and...

I forced myself not to call,

because I wanted to give
you a space and all that stuff

but every day I picked up that phone,

I did that thing where you dial the first
like six numbers and then the hover...

This is all wrong.

People need to be comfortable, they need
plush couches and it has to love seats.

Couches here.

And my tables, they need to be
refinished. They're not finished.

Good idea.
Yes, absolutely you're right.

These colors are all wrong. They
need to be warmer, earthy tones.

Yeah, hey, guys.
Hold the work, okay.

What's with the colour here?
What are you doing with this color?

- What about the menu?
- Yeah, about that I...

I should probably get on that cause
I haven't actually found a chef yet.

It's... It's yours if you want it.

Just let me ...
I have so much that I feel like I...

You know, when you can ...

You have a... feeling inside you ...

You have this like... feeling...

You really really need
to work on your speech.

Yeah, I know ...
You see what I meant?

Thanks.

- Are you nervous?
- No. Why would I be nervous?

Well, you do have a history of putting
women to sleep when you fuck them, so...

I'm just gonna go
ahead and say it like that,

right, while I'm lying
here naked with you.

Thank you for bringing that up.

When you're ready, you
can enter at your leisure.

I'm ready! I'm ready.
Can you help me?

Almost there. Is that... is that it?
- Yeah.

- How do you feel?
- Yeah, it feels very good.

Wait wait wait! Stop stop stop!
What are you doing?

Nothing! What do you mean?

You ...!
After ten seconds!

- Isn't that's a compliment?
- How did Rachel trying to fall asleep?

I don't know.
- How did you tackle this
issue at the Rub & Tug?

Come on. I really rather
not go there right now.

I'm good, I'm good.
I'm cool, I'm good.

- I'm calm now.
- Ok, let's move together.

- Can you change the angle?
- Oh! That feels good!

- Yeah?
- Yeah!

That does it! Yeah, okay.
- Oop, sorry.

Oh yeah!

- What... what?
- Right, I stopping...

- I'm breathing, I'm breathing!
- No, no, no! Keep going.

I got a leg cramp!

Well, squeeze your toes, squeeze
your toes together, then relax...

Oh, that's better.

- Oh, where did it go?
- Yeah.

- Is that going to come out. Oh no no no.
- Okay.

- Sorry, it's slippery.
- This thing happens.

- Seems to be getting there! Oh, yeah!
- Oh, yeah!

I'm in zones. I'm in zones.
I can do this forever and ever.

- Are you near?
- No! No! No!

- Love it. Don't you think?
- Okay!

You are pretty!